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Ted and Audrey

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Ted and Audrey is a 2001 CGI-animated 3D musical comedy film about a 12-year-old boy who searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world.

Directed by Stephen Chow. Co-directed by Kyle Balda. Written by Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio, based on Ted and Audrey at Works by William Steig.
Meet the original force of nature.

Ted

[edit]
  • Enough talk, let's fight!
  • I LOVE KUNG FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
  • Skadoosh!
  • Dumpling is the only way to sort out problems.
  • [looking at the Sword of Heroes while looking around in the Sacred Hall of Warriors] The Sword of Heroes! Said to be so sharp you can cut yourself just by looking… Ow!
  • [as Shifu pinches his finger and lifts up his pinky] The Wuxi Finger Hold. Not the Wuxi Finger Hold! [Shifu: Oh, you know this hold?] Developed by Master Wuxi in the Third Dynasty.
  • [meeting the Furious Five for the first time in person] The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except you, Mantis. You're about the same.
  • I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!
  • I thought you said acupuncture would make me feel better.
  • [impersonating Shifu] You'll never be the Dragon Warrior unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth! What is that noise you're making? Laughter? I never heard of it! Work hard, panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine.
  • They're five masters. I'm just one me. [Shifu: But you will have the one thing that no one else does.]
  • There is no secret ingredient.
  • I'm not a big, fat panda. I'm the big, fat panda.

Shifu

[edit]
  • [first lines; to the Furious Five] Well done, students… if you were trying to disappoint me. [points his flute at the Five, all bowing respectfully as he mentions their name] Tigress, you need more ferocity! Monkey, greater speed. Crane, height. Viper, subtlety. Mantis... [Zeng: Master Shifu.] What?! [points his flute at Zeng] [Zeng: It's Master Oogway. He wants to see you.]
  • That is impossible! He is in prison!
  • Zeng! Fly to Chorh-Gom Prison and tell them to double the guards, double their weapons, double everything! Tai Lung does not leave that prison!
  • Who is worthy to be trusted with the secret to limitless power? To become... the Dragon Warrior?
  • Citizens of the Valley of Peace, it's my great honor to present you, Tigress, Viper, Crane, Monkey and Mantis! The Furious Five!
  • [to Oogway after Po is unexpectedly chosen as the Dragon Warrior] Master Oogway, wait! That flabby panda can't possibly be the answer to our problem. You were about to point at Tigress and that thing fell in front of her! That was just an accident!
  • No. If the panda has not quit by morning, then I will have failed you.
  • Go ahead, panda. Show us what you can do.
  • This will be easier than I thought.
  • There is now a level zero.
  • The only souvenirs we collect here are bloody knuckles and broken bones.
  • Would whoever is making that flapping sound quiet down?
  • Master, your vision. Your vision was right! Tai Lung has broken out of prison! He's on his way!
  • But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung!
  • You think this is funny? Tai Lung has escaped from prison and you're acting like children! [Po: What?] He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! [to Po] And you are the only one who can stop him!
  • Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior. [Tigress: The panda?] Yes, the panda!
  • [to Po] Do you want to learn kung fu? [Po: Yeah!] Then I am your master!
  • [looks away from the Dragon Scroll when Po tries to show him] No, I am forbidden to look upon... [takes the scroll out of Po's hands and looks for himself; astonished] Blank. I don't… I don't understand.
  • This is no longer your home. And I am no longer your master.
  • Obeying your master is not weakness!
  • You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior! That was not my fault!
  • It was never my decision to make!
  • The Dragon Warrior has taken the scroll halfway across China by now. You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! Never!
  • I'm not dying, you idiot!

Tai Lung

[edit]
  • [to Zeng, after busting out of prison] I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Fly back there and tell them the real Dragon Warrior is coming home.
  • Where's the Dragon Warrior?
  • You think I'm a fool? I know you're not the Dragon Warrior. None of you! I heard how he fell out of the sky in a ball of fire, that he's a warrior unlike anything the world has ever seen.
  • So, that is his name. Po. Finally, a worthy opponent! Our battle will be legendary! [raises his fist into the air]
  • Shifu taught you well. [hits Monkey with his nerve attack, blocking his chi] But he didn't teach you everything.
  • I have come home, master.
  • Yes. You have a new favorite. So, where is this Po? Did I scare him off?
  • I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness!
  • You knew I was the Dragon Warrior! You always knew. But, when Oogway said otherwise, what did you do? What did you do?! Nothing!
  • Who filled my head with dreams?! Who drove me to train until my bones cracked?! Who denied me my DESTINY?!?
  • Give... me... the scroll!
  • All I ever did, I did to make you proud! Tell me how proud you are, Shifu! Tell me! TELL ME!!!
  • [while fighting with Po down the steps for the Dragon Scroll] That scroll is MINE!
  • [sees Po climbing to the Dragon Scroll] The scroll has given him power! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
  • Finally! Oh, yes. The power of the Dragon Scroll is... mine! [opens the Dragon Scroll and only finds nothing but the golden reflection] It's nothing!
  • [after being battered by Po; weakly, but determined] You…can't defeat me. You… You're just a big…fat…panda!
  • [last and final words before Po defeats him with the Wuxi Finger Hold] You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that.

Others

[edit]
Master Oogway: I have had a vision: Tai Lung will return.
Commander Vachir: [to Tai Lung] Hey, tough guy, did you hear? Oogway's finally going to give someone the Dragon Scroll and it's not gonna be you.
Mantis: [while putting Po under acupuncture] Who am I to judge a warrior based on his size? I mean, look at me. I'm over here.

Dialogue

[edit]
[Film starts in a 2D-style animation]
Po (narrating): Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose kung-fu skills were the stuff of legend. He traveled the land in search of worthy foes. [gets confronted by a group of criminals]
Bull criminal: I see you like to chew. Maybe you should chew… ON MY FIST! [slams his fist on the table]
Po (narrating): The warrior said nothing for his mouth was full. Then he swallowed, and then he spoke.
Po: Enough talk, let's fight! SHA-BAA-BOOOEEEE!
[po kicks the criminals away]
Po as a narrator of his dream: He was so deadly, in fact, his enemies would go blind from over exposure to pure awesomeness!
Leopard criminal: MY EYES!
Crocodile criminal: HE'S TOO AWESOME!
Female bunny: And attractive.
Male bunny: How can we repay you?
Po: There's no charge for awesomeness. Or attractiveness.
Female bunny: [Giggles]
Po: KABLOOEYY!
[The roof explodes and the warrior with a cloud of ninjas erupts into the sky. Like a tornado, the warrior twists and kicks them away rapidly.]
Po (narrating): It mattered not how many foes he faced. They were no match for his bodacity.
Po: KIAI!
Po (narrating): NEVER BEFORE had a panda been so feared, and so loved. Even the most heroic heroes in all of China, THE FURIOUS FIVE. Bowed in respect to this great master.
Monkey: We should hang out.
Po: Agreed.
Po (narrating): But hanging out would have to wait. Because when you're facing the 10,000 demons of Demon Mountain, there's only one thing that matters and that's...
[Po's dream is interrupted by Mr. Ping]
Mr. Ping: Po.
Mr. Ping as Monkey: Get up.
Mr. Ping as Tigress: You'll be late for work.
Po: Huh? [falls out of his dream, lands on the floor in his room and wakes up in 3D-style animation]
Mr. Ping: Po, what are you doing up there?
Po: Uh, nothing.
Po: [dazed from falling] Oh. What's going on? Where? [sees Oogway pointing his finger at him] What are you pointing…? Oh! Okay. Sorry, I just wanted to see who the Dragon Warrior was.
Oogway: How interesting.
Tigress: Master, are you pointing at me?
Oogway: Him.
Po: Who? [moves around as Oogway's finger follows him, still pointing at him]
Oogway: You.
Po: Me?
Oogway: [lifts Po's arm up with his staff] The universe has brought us the Dragon Warrior!
Po: What?
Furious Five: What?!
Shifu: What?!
Mr. Ping: What?!
Po: Uh, yeah. It's just...maybe we can find something more suited to my level...
Shifu: And what level is that?
Po: Well, you know, I'm not a master, but, uh, Let's just start at 0. Level 0.
Shifu: Oh, no. There is no such thing as Level 0.
Po: [spotted the training dummy] Hey! Maybe I can start on that!
Shifu: That? We use that for training children, and for propping the door open when it's hot. But, if you insist...
Po: [sees and meets the Furious Five up close for the first time, watching him with curious expressions] Whoa! The Furious Five! You're so much bigger than your action figures. Except for you, Mantis. You're about the same.
[Mantis glares at Po as one of his antennae twitches]
Shifu: Go ahead, Panda. Show us what you can do.
Po: [hesitates; uneasily] Uh, are they gonna watch, or should I just wait until they get back to work or somethin'?
Shifu: Hit it.
Po: [stalling] Yeah, well, I just ate, so I'm still digesting, so my Kung Fu may not be as good as... later on.
Shifu: Just hit it.
Po: Uh, OK. [looks over at the training dummy] What'cha got? You got nothing, cause I got it right here. You pickin' on my friends? [quickly shuffles his feet] Get ready to feel the thunder, I'm comin' at you with the crazy feet. What'cha gonna do about crazy feet? Come on. I'm a blur, I'm a blur. You've never seen bear style, you've only seen praying mantis. Or monkey-style. [starts chattering like a monkey. Monkey raises an eyebrow] Or snickety-snake-alike?
Shifu: [angrily] Would you hit it?!
Po: [stops, annoyed] Alright. [gives the dummy a little tap with his fist, making it lean back]
Shifu: Why don't you try again? A little harder.
Po: [punches the dummy, sending it hurtling backwards] How's that? [the dummy swings back, knocking his tooth out and sending him flying into the training hall's obstacle course. The Furious 5 starts forward, but Shifu holds up his hand to stop them. Po accidentally does a split on the moving ropes] Oh, that hurts! [A spiked pendulum swings towards him and hits him square in the face, knocking him into Crane's tilting bowl, hitting his head several times]
Shifu: [very amused] This'll be easier than I thought.
Po: [spills out of the tilting bowl, and wanders to the moving arm guard section] Feeling a little nauseous. [pushes one arm, starting a chain reaction that causes him to get hit repeatedly in the face, belly, legs, arms…] Ow! Oh, those are hard! […then his crotch] Ooh-hoo-hoo! [drops to knees, rises and covers his crotch] OOH My tenders! [in pain, he rests one hand on a moving arm, starting the whole chain reaction over again, and smacking him into the fire floor area] Uh-oh. [cut back to Shifu and the Furious 5 who wince and look away as we hear fire burning and Po screaming. He slumps over next to Shifu, burnt, charred, and weakly] How did I do?
Shifu: [chuckles] There is now... a Level 0. [snuffs out a flame on top of Po's head]
Mantis: There's no words.
Crane: No denying that.
Viper: I don't understand what Master Oogway was thinking. The poor guy's just gonna get himself killed.
Crane: [mocking Po's lack of skills; sarcastically] He is so mighty! The Dragon Warrior - fell out of the sky in a ball of fire!
Mantis: When he walks, the very ground shakes.
[the Furious Five laugh, except Tigress]
Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
Crane: Yeah, or could be at least touch his toes.
Monkey: Or even see his toes.
[The Furious Five laugh again]
[ the camera turns to Po, reveling that he is hearing them insult him]
[Trying to get to his room without waking up the Five, Po tiptoes through the hallway, only to trip and walk into Crane's room]
Po: Oh, hey. Hi, you're, uh...you're up.
Crane: Am now.
Po: I was just...Some day, huh? That Kung Fu stuff is hard work, right? Your biceps sore?
Crane: [looks at his arms awkwardly] Uh...I've had a long and rather disappointing day. So, yeah. I should probably get to sleep now.
Po: Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Crane: OK, thanks.
Po: It's just-Man, I'm such a big fan! You guys were totally amazing at the Battle of the Weeping River. Outnumbered 1001, but you didn't stop. And you just- [tries Kung Fu, only to accidentally kick a hole in the wall, leading to Monkey's room; Po peaks into the hole to see Monkey, who is now glaring at him] Oh, sorry about that.
Crane: Uh, look, you don't belong here.
Po: [sighs in disappointment] I know. I know. You're right. I don't have-I just-my whole life, I've dreamed of-
Crane: No, no, no. I meant you don't belong here. I mean, in this room. This is my room. [softly taps his bed with his foot] Property of Crane.
Po: Okay. Right, right. So, yeah, you wanna get to sleep and I'm keeping you up. We get big things tomorrow. All right. You are awesome. Last thing I wanna say. Bye-bye. [leaves, but remains outside the door]
Crane: [sighs in annoyance].
Po: [peeks his head in] What was that?
Crane: I didn't say anything.
Po: Okay. All right. Good night. Sleep well. [closes the door and Crane puts his foot on his head] Seemed a bit awkward. [tries to get to his room despite the creaking noise; Tigress opens her doors annoyed] Master Tigress. Didn't mean to wake you. Just, uh-
Tigress: You don't belong here.
Po: Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. This is your room.
Tigress: I mean, you don't belong in the Jade Palace. You're a disgrace to Kung Fu, and if you have any respect for who we are and what we do, you will be gone by morning. [slams her doors closed]
[Po, clearly hurt by her words, gropes for a response]
Po: [weakly] Big fan.
[The scene switches to Po standing near a peach tree outside the Jade Palace; Oogway walks up to him]
Oogway: I see you have found the Sacred Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom.
Po: [turns around, holding a bunch of peaches in his arms and mouth] Oh, is that what this is? I am so sorry! I thought it was just a regular peach tree.
Oogway: I understand. You eat when you are upset.
Po: [spits out the peaches] Upset? I'm not upset. Why--What makes you think I'm upset?
Oogway: So, why are you upset?
Po: [sighs] I probably sucked more today than anyone in the history of kung fu, in the history of China, in the history of sucking.
Oogway: Probably.
Po: And the Five! Man, you should have seen them! They totally hate me.
Oogway: Totally.
Po: How is Shifu ever going to turn me into the Dragon Warrior? I mean, I'm not like the Five. I've got no claws, no wings, no venom. Even Mantis has those... thingies. [sighs] Maybe I should just quit and go back to making noodles.
Oogway: [pauses out] Quit, don't quit. Noodles, no noodles. You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There's a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present." [taps the peach tree with his staff, making a peach fall into Po's hand, and leaves]
[Po looks at the peach before looking back at Oogway, and smiles. Meanwhile, back at Chorh-Gom Prison, Tai Lung is using the feather he picked up with his tail to unlock the shell holding him down. His ears start perking up, too. The dragon heads start loosening as the shell is unlocked. Tai Lung starts breathing and his claws come out. The dragon heads of the shell come off and the shell loosens, before Tai-lung breaks free from the shell and completely destroys it, alerting Commander Vachir, Zeng and everyone else in the prison.]
Vachir: OH, NO!
Zeng: What's happening?!
[He looks down at the scene below, and gasps in horror upon seeing Tai Lung trying to break himself free from his restraints.]
Chorh-Gom Prison Guards: To your battle stations! Go! Go! Go!
[Tai Lung stands up and roars at Vachir, making Zeng shiver in fear.]
Vachir: Fire, crossbows!
Crossbow Guard #1: [fires an arrow at Tai-Lung] Fire!
[Tai Lung dodges the arrows fired by the crossbow guards by moving left to right, then glares at another guard.]
Crossbow Guard #2: Fire!
[He fires at Tai Lung, only for the snow leopard to not only dodge it, but also makes it break off the restraint on his right hand. The guards look on in horror at what he just did. Tai Lung then breaks off the restraint on his left hand with a grunt, and he is now completely free, bent on taking revenge against Shifu and the entire Valley of Peace for denying him the Dragon Scroll and becoming the Dragon Warrior 20 years ago.]
Zeng: Tai Lung is free! I must warn Shifu!
[He goes to warn Shifu about Tai Lung breaking free, but gets grabbed by the overconfident Vachir.]
Vachir: You're not going anywhere, neither is he!
Zeng: Let go of me!
Vachir: Bring it up!
[The guards bring up a small platform.]
Guard: Wait! Bring it back!
[He and another guard try to jump up to the platform, but miss. Meanwhile, Tai Lung notices another crossbow firing another arrow at him. He deflects it with his right paw, then kicks it back towards the guards, who dodge it. He then flings four more arrows into the wall, then cracks his neck and launches himself using the sixth arrow and begins his escape from prison.]
Zeng: [scared] He's coming this way!
Vachir: He won't get far. Archers!
[The guards fire archer arrows at Tai Lung, who launches himself from the last arrow to grab onto the platform before the archers kill him. Another guard with an axe slices off the chain to stop Tai Lung from proceeding any further, causing the platform to crash land into the ground below. The two axe guards laugh and do an axe type high five, thinking they stopped Tai Lung, but get knocked out by the snow leopard. He then uses a chain to swing himself onto another bridge and battles more guards. With a heavy punch, he destroys a guard's weapon as he gets knocked backwards into the other guards, knocking them all out and others falling into the darkness below. He continues to break his way out of prison, but two guards try to lock him out to stop him. He busts the door down, knocking the two guards out and he takes out another two guards, leaving them dizzy. He steals another guard's spike-ball weapon and knocks him out before attacking three guards with the stolen weapon, before placing it into a fourth guard's mouth, and sending him flying as he sends more guards falling into the dark chasm at the bottom of the prison and knocking the guard he sent flying into another guard through the doorway, the latter guard letting out a Wilhelm scream. Eventually, Tai Lung reaches the entrance to the prison, where Vachir and the guards are blocking his way and readying their weapons. Vachir and Tai Lung growl at each other with deep hatred towards each other, while Zeng squawks in fear. Tai Lung then prepares himself to take on Vachir and the remaining guards.]
Zeng: We're dead. So, very, very dead.
Vachir: [laughs] Not yet, we're not. [to another guard] Now!
[The guard fires a fire arrow at a bomb, causing a chain reaction of three explosions. Tai Lung looks up and sees pillars falling towards him, then they make contact with the bridge, causing it to crumble. Tai Lung makes his way towards the entrance by dodging the falling pillars and makes a giant leap towards Vachir and the others, but misses his mark and lands on a falling pillar. Vachir laughs and waves at Tai-Lung, tauntingly. Tai Lung then sees one bomb that hasn't exploded yet and climbs his way towards it. In slow motion, he climbs up a giant pillar and jumps onto the last pillar. In regular speed, he climbs up and grabs the bomb and dives down towards Vachir and the others, the former of whom realizes there is nothing he and the other guards can do to stop him now.]
Zeng: [terrified] Can we run now?
Vachir: [terrified] Yes.
[But it is way too late. Tai Lung throws the bomb at Vachir, Zeng and the other guards and the bomb explodes, destroying the door and sending everyone flying out of Chorh-Gom Prison, knocking them all out, except Zeng. Vachir's golden nose lands next to him, but it is unknown if he was killed or was badly injured from the blast. Tai Lung then grabs Zeng by his neck and lifts him up, who gulps in fear while looking at the snow leopard, the latter of whom having successfully broken out of Chorh-Gom Prison.]
Tai Lung: [sighs and rubs Zeng's forehead] I'm glad Shifu sent you. I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten. Fly back there and tell them the real Dragon Warrior is coming home.
[Zeng nods and Tai Lung releases him. Zeng then flies back to the Jade Palace. The next morning, at the Jade Palace, the Furious Five wakes up to meet Shifu.]
Furious Five: Good morning, Master!
Viper: What do we do now, Master, with the panda gone? Who will be the Dragon Warrior?
Shifu: All we can do is resume our training and trust that in time, the true Dragon Warrior will be revealed. [opens the training courtyard doors, only to find himself face-to-face with Po, spreading out his legs wide apart on two training horses] What are you doing here?!
Po: [sees Shifu and the Five staring at him] Hi! Good morning, Master! I just thought I'd warm up a little.
Shifu: You're stuck.
Po: Stuck? Nah. What? Stuck? Nah. This is one of my... Yeah, I'm stuck.
Shifu: [to Crane] Help him.
Crane: Oh, dear.
Po: I know Master Shifu's trying to inspire me and all, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was trying to get rid of me. [chuckles awkwardly]
Mantis: [Unpause] I know he can seem kind of heartless… [jabs another acupuncture needle in Po] but he wasn't always like that.
Viper: According to legend, there was once a time when Master Shifu actually used to smile.
[Tigress walks down the bunkhouse hall and stops outside of Po's room when she overhears Po, Viper, and Mantis talking]
Po: No.
Mantis: Yes.
Viper: But that was before.
Po: Before what?
Tigress: [enters] Before Tai Lung.
Crane: Uh, yeah, we're not really supposed to talk about him.
Tigress: Well, if he's going to stay here, he should know.
Po: Guys, guys, I know about Tai Lung. He was a student. The first ever to master the thousand scrolls of kung fu. [nervously as Tigress stares piercingly at him] And then he turned bad, and now he's in jail.
Tigress: He wasn't just a student. [flashback begins to a younger Shifu stepping out of the training hall courtyard and finds baby Tai Lung, wrapped in cloth; voiceover] Shifu found him as a cub… and he raised him as his son. And when the boy showed talent in kung fu… Shifu trained him. He believed in him. He told him he was destined for greatness. It was never enough for Tai Lung. He wanted the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway saw darkness in his heart and refused. [Tai Lung rampages] Outraged, Tai Lung laid waste to the valley. [Tai Lung crashes through the doors into the Hall of Warriors] He tried to take the scroll by force. And Shifu had to destroy what he had created. [Shifu leaps at Tai Lung to give him a kick but remembers him as a baby at the last second] But how could he? [Tai Lung strikes Shifu and he crashes to the ground with a broken leg, then leaps for the Dragon Scroll, but Oogway intercepts and strikes his pressure points, making him fall to the ground in a heap; Shifu stares in sadness and disbelief, then crawls over to Tai Lung but is unable to touch him] Shifu loved Tai Lung like he had never loved anyone before. Or since. [back to the present; everyone is quietest] And now, he has a chance to make things right, to train the true Dragon Warrior. And he's stuck with you. A big, fat panda who treats it like a joke. [Po makes a weird sound and a face; angrily] Oh, that is it! [raises her paw, intending to strike Po]
Mantis: [Stops tigress] WAIT! My fault! I accidentally tweaked his facial nerve! [Po falls over and reveals hundreds of acupuncture needles in his back and one on his neck] And may have also stopped his heart. [taps Po twice with no response]
Shifu: [running up to the peach tree to meet with Oogway] Master! Master!
Oogway: Hmm?
Shifu: I have very bad news.
Oogway: Aah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad.
Shifu: Master, your vision was right. Tai Lung has broken out of prison, and he's on his way!
[Oogway looks shocked]
Oogway: That is bad news. If you do not believe that the Dragon Warrior can stop him.
Shifu: The panda? Master, that panda is not the Dragon Warrior. He wasn't even meant to be here! It was an accident!
Oogway: There are no accidents.
Shifu: [sighs] Yes, I know. You've said that already... Twice.
Oogway: Well, that was no accident either.
Shifu: Thrice.
Oogway: My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control.
Shifu: Illusion?
Oogway: Yes. [gestures to the Peach Tree of Heavenly Wisdom] Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before it's time.
Shifu: But there are things we can control. [kicks the tree causing several peaches to fall] I can control when the fruit will fall. [one hits him on the head and he grumbles] And I can control... [tosses the peach in the air and chops it in half] Where to plant the seed. [punches a hole in the ground and catches the seed] That is no illusion, Master. [throws the seed into the hole]
Oogway: Ah, yes, but no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Shifu: But a peach can't defeat Tai Lung!
Oogway: Maybe it can... [covers the seed in dirt] ...If you are willing to guide it, to nurture it. To believe in it.
Shifu: But how? How? I need your help, master.
Oogway: No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu. Promise me you will believe.
Shifu: I...I will try.
Oogway: Good. [sees petals floating around him] My time has come. You must continue your journey without me. [hands Shifu his staff]
Shifu: What?...What are you...? [Oogway backs into the swirling petals] Master, you can't leave me!
Oogway: [last words as he starts to vanish] You must believe.
Shifu: Master!
[Oogway disappears, and Shifu stares sadly after him]
Po: [making dinner for The Furious Five] So, I'm like "Fine. You may be a wolf. You may be the scariest bandit in the Hajin Province, but you're a lousy tipper!"
Crane: Really, so how'd you get out of there alive?
Po: I mean, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it...in...in my mind. If he could read my mind, he would've been like "What?". Order up! [passes out bowls of soup to four of the Five] Hope you like it. [watches patiently]
Mantis: This is really good!
Po: [sitting down] Nah, c'mon, you should try my dad's secret ingredient soup. He actually knows the secret ingredient.
Viper: What are you talking about? This is amazing!
Crane: Wow, you're a really good cook!
[Po looks a bit sheepish, wondering if his old life really could influence his new]
Mantis: I wish my mouth was bigger!
Monkey: Tigress, you've got to try this.
Tigress: Hmmm. [picking up a cube of tofu with her chopsticks, the only one of the five without noodles] It is said that the Dragon Warrior can survive for months at a time on nothing, but the dew of a single Ginko leaf and the energy of the universe.
Po: I guess my body doesn't know it's the Dragon Warrior yet. [chuckles] I'm gonna need a lot more than dew, and...uh, universe juice. [slurps his noodles, with one hanging over his nose like mustache; Mantis snickers] What?
Mantis: Oh, nothing..."Master Shifu".
[Everyone, except Tigress, begin to chuckle]
Po: [gets an idea, and starts impersonating Master Shifu] "You will never be the Dragon Warrior, unless you lose 500 pounds and brush your teeth!" [the Five, except Tigress, laughs] "What is that noise you're making, laughter? I have never heard of it! Work hard, Panda, and maybe someday, you will have ears like mine." [brings two bowls up to his head to mimic ears; the Five laugh, then immediately stop, with shocked expressions, to see the real Shifu, with Oogway's staff, standing in the doorway] Ears. It's not working for ya? I thought they're pretty good.
Monkey: [whispering] It's Shifu!
Po: Of course it's Shifu. Who do you think I'm doing? [the Five stare at Po shockingly; Monkey points at the door. Po looks and sees Shifu] Oh, Master Shifu! Uh… [slurps the noodle and presses the bowls to his chest like he has pecs. The Five, except Tigress, snicker]
Shifu: [annoyed] You think this is funny?! Tai Lung has escaped from prison, and you're acting like children!
Po: What?
Shifu: He is coming for the Dragon Scroll! [to Po] And you are the only one who can stop him!
Po: [as the bowls fall to the floor, then laughs] And here I am saying you got no sense of humor! [Shifu looks at him deadly serious] I'm gonna... stop Tai Lung. [realizing] What, you're serious, and I have to...? Uh, Master Oogway will stop him. He did it before, he'll do it again.
Shifu: Oogway cannot! [his face softens and he stares sadly at his master's staff] Not anymore. [the Five gasp in shock, realizing Oogway is gone] Our only hope is the Dragon Warrior.
Tigress: The panda?
Shifu: Yes, the panda!
Tigress: Master, please! [pushes her chair out] Let us stop Tai Lung. This is what you've trained us for!
Shifu: No! It is not your destiny to defeat Tai Lung, it is his! [points at Po, but finds him gone] Where'd he go?! [Po is seen running away, screaming in panic, realizing he has to fight Tai Lung; stops him from leaving when he reaches the stairs] You cannot leave! A real warrior never quits!
Po: Watch me! [tries to run past Shifu, but was pushed away] Come on! How am I supposed to defeat Tai Lung? I can't even beat you to the stairs.
Shifu: You will beat him because you are the Dragon Warrior! [pokes Po in the stomach]
Po: Ow! You don't believe that! [Shifu swings his arm around] You never believed that! From the first moment I got here, you've been trying to get rid of me! [tries to run past Shifu, but gets pushed away again]
Shifu: Yes, I was! But now I ask you to trust in your master as I have come to trust in mine.
Po: You're not my master. [shoves the staff away from his face] And I'm not the Dragon Warrior.
Shifu: Then why didn't you quit?! You knew I was trying to get rid of you, yet you stayed.
Po: Yeah, I stayed. [stands up] I stayed because every time you threw a brick at my head or said I smelled. It hurt, but it could never hurt more than it did every day of my life just being me. [Pauses. Shifu is in a stunned silence] I stayed because I thought if anyone could change me... could make me... not me, it was you, the greatest kung fu teacher in all of China!
Shifu: But I can change you! I can turn you into the Dragon Warrior, and I will!
Po: Oh, come on! Tai Lung is on his way here right now, and even if it takes him 100 years to get here, how are you gonna change this into the Dragon Warrior?! Huh? [Shifu is speechless] How?! How?! HOW?!
Shifu: [snaps and yells in frustration] I don't know! [calms down a bit, then he sighs deeply, realizing what he means] I don't know.
Po: [sadness] That's what I thought.
[Next morning, Shifu is by himself and hears Po making karate sounds. He goes inside, looking for Po and happens to see him in the kitchen, having just punched through a wood cupboard and is currently eating its contents]
Po: [sees Shifu and stops; Shifu look around the kitchen, where shelves are broken, cupboards have holes in them, and Po’s still got food in his hands] What? [annoyed] I eat when I'm upset, okay?
Shifu: Oh, no need to explain. [start to turn away, then turn back] I just thought you might be Monkey, he hides his almond cookies on the top shelf. [pretends to walk off and instead leans against the wall beside the doorway, hearing a bit scuffling. When he looks in, Po is ten feet above the ground, doing a perfect split to keep himself airborne and currently shoveling Monkey’s almond cookies into his face. With a mixture of surprise and realization, Shifu examines Po. After a minute, Po sees Shifu]
Po: [with the cookies in his mouth] Don't tell Monkey.
Shifu: [in astonishment] Look at you.
Po: Yeah, I know, I disgust you.
Shifu: No, no, I mean, how did you get up there?
Po: [taking a few more cookies] I don't know. I just- I don't know. I was getting a cookie.
Shifu: And yet, you are ten feet off the ground, and have done a perfect split.
Po: No. This is just an... [the shelf trembles under his weight] ...accident. [the shelf breaks; falls to the floor]
Shifu: [smiles, as a cookie rolls to him] There are no accidents. Come with me.
Crane: [to Shifu; exhausted and out of breath from carrying the others back after their fight with Tai Lung] We were no match for his nerve attack.
Shifu: He has gotten stronger. [presses some pressure points on Mantis' chest, reviving him]
Po: Who? Tai Lung? Stronger? [gets punched in the face by Monkey after Shifu revives him]
Monkey: He's too fast! Sorry, Po.
Tigress: [as Shifu revives her; ashamed] I thought we could stop him.
Shifu: He could have killed you.
Mantis: Why didn't he?
Shifu: [while reviving Viper] So you could come back here and strike fear into our hearts. But it won't work.
Po: Uh… It might. I mean, a little. I'm pretty scared.
Shifu: You can defeat him, panda!
Po: Are you kidding? If they can't? They're five masters. I'm just one me.
Shifu: But you will have the one thing that no one else does.
Po: Okay, here goes. It's blank.
Shifu: What?
Po: Here look.
Shifu: No I forbid to look upon… Blank I don't… I don't understand.
Po: Okay. So, like, Oogway was just a crazy old turtle, after all.
Shifu: No. Oogway was wiser than us all.
Po: Oh, come on! Face it, he picked me by accident. Of course I'm not the Dragon Warrior. [sits on the floor; disappointed] Who am I kidding?
Tigress: But who will stop Tai Lung?
Crane: He'll destroy everything and everyone.
Shifu: No. Evacuate the valley. You must protect the villagers from Tai Lung's rage.
Tigress: What about you, Master?
Shifu: I will fight him.
Po: What?
Shifu: I can hold him off long enough for everyone to escape.
Po: But, Shifu, he'll kill you.
Shifu: Then I will finally have paid for my mistake. Listen to me, all of you. It is time for you to continue your journey without me. I am very proud to have been your master. [salutes Po and The Five and they salute in return]
Mr. Ping: Po, I'm going to tell you something I should've told you long ago. I'm about to tell you the secret ingredient of my Secret Ingredient Soup! Come here. The secret ingredient is...nothing!
Ted: Huh?
Ted's Mom: You heard me. Nothing! There is no secret Engredient!
Po: Wait, wait. It's just plain old noodle soup? You don't add some kind of special sauce or something?
Mr. Ping: Don't have to. To make something special, you just have to believe it is special.
Po: [finally understands the Dragon Scroll's secret] There is no secret ingredient.
[Shifu waits and closes his eyes. Thunder roars and lightning flashes as Shifu opens his eyes, seeing that Tai Lung is standing in front of him at the top of the stairs of the Palace.]
Tai Lung: I have come home, Master.
Shifu: This is no longer your home, and I am no longer your master.
Tai Lung: Yes. You have a new favorite. So where is this "Po"? [chuckles a bit] Did I scare him off?
Shifu: This battle is between you and me.
Tai Lung: So, this is how it's going to be.
Shifu: That is how it must be.
[Shifu and Tai Lung fight.]
Tai Lung: I rotted in jail for 20 years because of your weakness!
Shifu: Obeying your master is not weakness!
Tai Lung: You knew I was the Dragon Warrior! [flashback ensues; 20 years ago, in the exact same spot in the Hall of Warriors; Tai Lung awaits Shifu and Oogway's evaluation] You always knew. But when Oogway said otherwise... [Oogway turns to Shifu and shakes his head in refusal and walks away] What did you do? [Shifu is about to say something, but remains silent out of respect for his master] What did you do?! [return to the present; furious] NOTHING! (YOU DID NOTHING!!)
Shifu: You were not meant to be the Dragon Warrior! That was not my fault!
Tai Lung: NOT YOUR FAULT?! [knocks down Master Flying Rhino's armor] Who filled my head with dreams?! [starts throwing weapons at Shifu, which he dodges] Who drove me to train until my bones cracked?! WHO DENIED ME MY DESTINY?! [launches a volley of blades at Shifu, who deflects all of them]
Shifu: [driving last blade into the ground] It was never my decision to make!
[Tai Lung growls and leaps to Oogway's shrine. He picks up the deceased master's staff]
Tai Lung: [holding the staff out to Shifu] It is now. [Shifu charges Tai Lung; Tai Lung uses the curved end of Oogway's staff to pin him to the ground.] Give... me... the scroll!
Shifu: I would rather die!
[Tai Lung tries to kill Shifu with Oogway's staff. Shifu pushes against it, and the staff breaks. They fight, until Tai Lung eventually gains the upper hand with flaming blue paws that Shifu struggles to block]
Tai Lung: [furiously pummeling Shifu] ALL I EVER DID, I DID TO MAKE YOU PROUD! TELL ME HOW PROUD YOU ARE, Shifu! Tell me! TELL ME!!! [his final blow sends Shifu flying across the room. He lands in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Tai Lung extinguishes the blue flames of his paws]
Shifu: [tired, solemn, and sad] I have always been proud of you. From the first moment, I've been proud of you. And it was my pride, that blinded me; I loved you too much to see what you were becoming...what I was turning you into. I'm...I'm sorry.
Tai Lung: [taken aback for a moment, but angrily recovers and seizes Shifu by the throat] I don't want your apology! I want my scroll! [looks up at the ceiling and sees the Dragon Scroll is missing; shocked] What?! [enraged] WHERE IS IT?! [furiously slams Shifu to the floor]
Shifu: [trying his best to escape Tai Lung's grip around his neck] The Dragon Warrior has taken the scroll halfway across China by now. [coughs] You will never see that scroll, Tai Lung! [Tai Lung draws his claws, ready to kill Shifu] Never! [weakly] N-Never.
Po: [offscreen] HEY! [Tai Lung stops and turns. He sees Po at the entrance, panting for breath] Ugh, stairs. Ugh. Ugh.
Fliqpy: Who are you?
Ted: [catching his breath] Buddy... I... am the Dragon Warrior. [gasps one last time to catch his breath]
Fliqpy: [disbelievingly] You? [laughs; to Shifu:] Him? He's a boy. [to Po] You're a boy. [sarcastically] What are you gonna do, big guy? sit on me? [chuckles]
Ted: Don't tempt me. [laughs] Now I'm gonna use this. [holds up the Dragon Scroll and chuckles] You want it? Come and get it.
[Tai Lung attacks Po with a punch and steals the Dragon Scroll from him.]
Fliqpy: Finally!
[Po bounces off a wall and strikes Tai Lung, and takes the Scroll back. Tai Lung kicks Po into a building roof and a tree, the latter Po uses to smack Tai Lung backwards onto another building. He then attacks Po with a round-house kick, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs.]
Fliqpy: That scroll is MINE!
[Ted and Fliqpy scuffle for the scroll as they bounce down the stairs and exchange blows at each other. In slow-motion, Po sits on Tai Lung's head, then in regular speed, he is sent crashing through the roof of the gate entrance to the Jade Palace and landing on a pan full of noodles, covering him.]
Fliqpy: Finally! Oh, yes. The power of the Dragon Scroll is... mine! [opens the Dragon Scroll, but finds only nothing but the golden reflection] It's nothing!
Ted: [getting up] It's okay. I didn't get it the first time, either.
Fliqpy: [confused] What?
Ted: There is no secret ingredient. [Tai Lung throws the Dragon Scroll to the ground in frustration] It's just you. [looks down at the golden reflection and smiles]
[After a long fight, Tai Lung is severely battered]
Flippy: [weakly] You...can't defeat me. [He comes out panting in exhaustion, having suffered bent whiskers and a black eye. He still refuses to give up.] You... You're just a big...fat...panda!
Ted: [pinches Tai Lung's finger] I'm not a big fat panda. I'm the big fat panda. [lifts up his pinky finger]
Ted: [gasps in horror] The Wuxi Finger Hold!
Ted: Oh, you know this hold?
Flippy: [to Po] You're bluffing. You're bluffing! Shifu didn't teach you that.
Ted: Nope. I figured it out. [flexes his pinky finger] Skadoosh. [Tai Lung disappears in a rippling wave of light]
[Po rushes up the stairs to the Jade Palace to check on Shifu, whom he finds unconscious]
Ted: Master! Shifu! Shifu, are you okay?
Audrey: [coughs; weakly] Po, you're alive...[sadly] or we're both dead.
Belle: No, Master, I didn't died. I defeated Tai Lung.
Beast: You did? [Po nods yes] Wow. It is just as Oogway...foretold. You are the Dragon Warrior. [Po's smile disappears] You have brought peace...to this valley. And...and to me. Thank you. [sighs again] Thank you, Po. Thank you. Thank you. [lies down]
Belle: [looks disbelievingly at his master] No! Master! No, no, no, don't died, Shifu, please!
Beast: [opens his eyes in annoyance] I'm not dying, you idiot- Uh, Dragon Warrior. [relaxes and folds his hands over his chest] I am simply at peace. Finally.
Beast: Ohhh. So, um, I should stop talking?
Shifu: [smiling] If you can.
Po: [lies down beside him, fidgeting; then speaks:] You want to get something to eat?
Shifu: [wakes up] Yeah.

Taglines

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  • Prepare For Awesomeness.
  • Experience The Pandamonium In IMAX.
  • Summertime Is Pandatime.

Giant Panda

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  • Ranpha Franboise — Pepper Mildred Clark

See also

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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