User:Midasminus

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And now for something completely different.

Contents

[edit] Amigos

  • Good friends will help you move. A best friend will help you move the body.
  • A good friend will bail you out of jail and lecture you about how you screwed up. A best friend will be sitting right next to you laughing about it saying "We really screwed up!"
  • The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
--Homer
  • The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.
-- Aristotle
  • A true friend stabs you in the front.
-- Oscar Wilde
  • Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
--Elbert Hubbard
  • Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
-- Oscar Wilde
  • A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else.
--Len Wein
  • I think that in this life you're either an idiot, a madman or a genius. I don't know which kind of people are better, because I have friends of each one.

[edit] Anatomy

General: Right. Do you have this man's legs?
Tiger-suited guy 1: What, a wooden leg?
General: No, a real live flesh leg! This man was perfectly fine while he slept, when someone or something, came and stole his leg.
Tiger-suited guy 1: Without waking him up?
General: (pause) (awkwardly) Yes.
Tiger-suited guy 1: I don't believe you.

[edit] Atheism

If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time.

--(Russel's teapot)

God only exists if he is believed in. As long as people believe in him, he will exist. such as any god, in fact. He will only stop existing when no one at all believes in him, and even if he doesn't stop existing, no one will care anyway.

"I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing." "Oh," says Man, "but the Babel Fish is a dead give-away, isn't it? It proves you exist, and so therefore you don't." "Oh, I hadn't thought of that." says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. "Oh, that was easy" says Man, and for an encore he goes on to prove that black is white and gets killed on the next zebra crossing.

-- Douglas Adams

I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.

--Aleister Crowley

Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

-- Douglas Adams

[edit] Bars

Bartender: Do we serve water here?

Morgan: Ok, little chaps. I say "sake", you say "good", eh?
Goblins: SAKE!
Morgan: No, I say "sake". You say --
Goblins: SAKE!
Morgan: No. You say "good". "Good"! ... C'mon, "good"...
Goblins: SAKE!
Morgan: Ok, good sake. Whatever. Drink up me hearties, yo-ho. (drinks)
Goblins: SAKE!
Morgan: Oh, shut it.

Lando Calrissian: Barkeep! My friend and I would each like a glass of whatever that fellow who's passed out has been drinking.

[edit] Beauty

There are no ugly women, we just haven't drank enough yet.

Rouxinol Faduncho
(Baldrick is in a drag dress with very large fake breasts)
Blackadder: Baldrick, why are you dressed like that?
Baldrick: You want the long answer or the short answer?
Blackadder: Oh, the short answer, please.
Baldrick: Whim.
Blackadder: (pause) Whim. (pause) The short answer is 'whim'.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: Just out of curiosity, what was the long answer?
Baldrick: It was 'a whim'.

A great portrait is always more a portrait of the painter than of the painted.

Samuel Butler

If I were a better artist, I'd be a painter, and if I were a better writer, I'd write books-- --but I'm not, so I draw cartoons!

Charles Schultz

In these wonders and marvels, I want you to find joy, for in joy is your strength, and in your strength is their protection.

Carpe Chaos

A man who uses his hands is a laborer. One who uses his hands and mind is a craftsman. He who uses his hands, and his mind, and his heart is an artist.

St Francis
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
The Greeks

[edit] Books

(Harry Potter writing on Tom Riddle's Diary)

Harry: My name is Ron Weasley.
Diary: Hello. My name is Tom.
Harry: Haha I was kidding xD I'm actually Hermione Granger.
Diary: Oh. Ok. I'm still Tom Riddle. Anyway, wanna go into the past and see me talk to guys with beards?
Harry: Lol I'm not Hermione either, Lololololool! This is too good XDDD lol.
Diary: Wait... you're that prick Harry Potter, aren't you? You annoying little fuck! I am going to MURDER U!!! Smiley face. :)
Harry: ... Fuck you you're a fucking book.
Diary: No, don't leave! Are you still there? ... Harry? ... Well sod you then.

[edit] Bravo

Waldorf: That was wonderful.
Statler: Bravo!
Waldorf: I loved it.
Statler: That was great!
Waldorf: Well, it was pretty good.
Statler: Well, it wasn't bad.
Waldorf: Parts of it weren't very good, though.
Statler: It could have been a lot better.
Waldorf: I didn't really like it.
Statler: It was pretty terrible.
Waldorf: It was bad!
Statler: It was awful!
Waldorf: That was terrible!!
Statler: Booo!
Waldorf: BOOO GET OUT OF THE STAGE!
Reporter: You've done a lot of really inventive characters- -
Johnny Depp: You're saying I'm a weirdo?

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

-- Chris Rock

When you're born, you get a ticket to a freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

-- Unknown

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.

--Soren Kierkegaard

The little things? The little moments? They aren't little.

--Jon Kabat-Zinn

If your heart did not break now and then,... how would you know it is there?

--Bette Bao Lord

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

--Pablo Picasso
Charlie Chan, he was a hell of a man
Went back to China with his shit in his hand.
He had 5 women up against a wall,
I'll bet you 5 dollars that he fucked them all.
He fucked them hard, he fucked them long,
He fucked them all night until his shit got sore.
He went to the doctor, the doctor said,
I'm sorry Charlie, your dick is dead.
Doctor, doctor, that can't be true!
Yes it is, Charlie. Your balls are too.
Bernie Mac

[edit] Chaos

Belkar: (after getting a restraining order) OK. Well, this all seems in order, so I guess I'll- oh! Wait. You seem to have made a mistake right here.
Legal Counsellor: Aw man! What's the mistake?
Belkar: I'm Chaotic. (chases him)
The Order of the Stick
Belkar: Welcome to the deep end of the alignment pool, pal.
The Order of the Stick

Without shadow, light is irrelevant.

Midrock
Fletcher: Okay... please let me explain. While you're at work, I roll around in your bed naked. (Copernicus stares, horrified) I didn't say it was a good explanation.
Antics Comics

[edit] Clown choking

I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor. He told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well that explains a lot about the DC Universe."

--Neil Gaiman

[edit] Comedy

Foster: Dude, this guy wouldn’t see the meaning of a joke even if it grabbed a big knife, chopped his head off and started eating dog food.
Jester: You're not funny when you're hungry.
Midrock

I'm struck by how laughter connects you with people. It's almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you're just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy.

John Cleese

[edit] Conspiracy

Most secret societies have the urge to remain secret (and also the urge to remain societies, otherwise the whole thing becomes pointless). The Buccaneers, however, were so busy all the time trying to stay alive and relatively safe that secrecy didn't seem that much of an urgency to them, mainly because they got tired of so many secrets. They didn't carry large neon signs around saying they existed, but they'd probably tell you who they were and what they did if you happened to come across one and asked. Unlike most secret societies, the Buccaneers weren't that hard to find. They were, however, hard to lose.

-- (Mythorama)

Belkar: It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire."

The Order of the Stick

[edit] Country

John Cleese: (after being interrupted) What about my rustic monologue? (pause) I'm not sleeping with that producer again.

In fact, I wanted to be John Cleese and it took some time to realize the job was in fact taken.

--Douglas Adams

Patriotism, that's some messed up stuff. All of them people, especially Americans, saying they love their country. I figure that by "country" they either mean its culture and people or the land itself; but you can't love everyone in a whole country, and if you love the land you can as easily love anyone else's land. A country is just something humans make up so they can have something in common with the people who live close to them. America was created by Americans so they wouldn't have to be Canadians.

-- Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen
Crixus: Oh, he's slow, this one, isn't he?
Barca: What'd you expect, from a Thracian? Smells like fresh shit.
Crixus: Oh, they all do. Except for their women. They smell like... piss and shit.
Spartacus: What are you, then?
Crixus: ... I'm a Gaul, little man. The greatest of my kind. Crixus, the Undefeated!
Spartacus: A Gaul. (smirks) That explains why you smell like a woman.
Spartacus - Blood and Sand

[edit] Courage

Hogsqueal Fly all you can, griffin! I just ate an ogre whole. You could be next!

We must fight... to run away!

Captain Jack Sparrow

You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it.

Samuel Butler

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: (shouting as one would say "Attack!") MUFFIIIIIIINS!!!

Strength of numbers is the delight of the timid. The valiant in spirit glory in fighting alone.

Mahatma Gandhi

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen: A true courageous man does his best not to waste all his courage at once.

Midrock

Rincewind: If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.

Discworld
Miko: Hiding in a storeroom, halfling?? Come out here and face me!
Belkar: An interesting proposal. Let me consider it... No.
Miko: Coward!
Belkar: I prefer the term, "still alive".
The Order of the Stick

The upside to not thinking about the consequences is that you'll always surprise those who do.

Magic the Gathering
The Doctor: There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom, and consolation to the soul in times of need.
Alien: What's that, then?
The Doctor: ALLONS-Y!
Doctor Who

You coward! You should have ran away like me!

Medabots

[edit] Creativity

There's a fine line between inspiration and duplication, and it is the same line between genius and hack.

From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other.

--Sherlock Holmes

Doc: My pickel'd eggs... He took mah pickel'd eggs. Now who steals pickel'd eggs??

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen: You know how they say everyone lies in shitholes in the ground, and only the succesful ones can get out? Shit, nobody can get out of the holes. Not even the gods can get out of their holes. All we can do is stick our heads out and see who else got a hole better than ours.

'We've strayed into a zone with a high magical index,' he said. 'Don't ask me how. Once upon a time a really powerful magic field must have been generated here, and we're feeling the after-effects.'
'Precisely,' said a passing bush.

-- Discworld

[edit] Critique

Waldorf: How do they do it?
Statler: How do we watch it?
Waldorf: Why do we watch it?
Both: (to the audience) Why do you watch it?!
The creature laughed scornfully. "I," it said, "am frightened of nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing," it said.
Charlie said, "Are you extremely frightened of nothing?"
"Absolutely terrified of it," admitted the Dragon.
"You know," said Charlie, "I have nothing in my pockets. Would you like to see it?"
"No," said the dragon uncomfortably, "I most definitely would not."
There was a flapping of wings like sails, and Charlie was alone on the beach. "That," he said, "was much too easy."
Anansi Boys

My mother would never hire someone she thought was irresponsable. But irresponsable people never tell you they're irrensponsable. Because they irresponsable!

Everybody Hates Chris

Dear Points of View: Can I complain about the gratutious fucking swearing every fucking week on Mock The Fucking Week?

Mock The Week
Interviewer: This is a questions that asks... if you have a favourite character in the series.
George R.R. Martin: Tyrion.
Interviewer: Tyrion. And why?
George R.R. Martin: Because he's fun. (smiles)

[1]

[edit] Cthulhu

Dare you to fuck without Cthulhu!

It must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Samuel Butler
Wife: There's a man at the door, with a moustache.
Husband: Tell him I already got one.
Monty Python

Everything was fine with our system until the power grid got shut off by dickless here.

Ghostbusters

[edit] Death

Every man lives for the day he dies.

News announcer: Shocking evidence that the majority of deaths occur to people who are alive.

Comedy Inc.
Tim The Enchanter: For Death awaits you all... with nasty big pointy teeth!
Arthur: What an eccentric performance.
Monty Python
  • To die completely, a person must not only forget but be forgotten, and he who is not forgotten is not dead.
  • There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death.
  • When I am dead I would rather people thought me better than I was instead of worse; but if they think me worse, I cannot help it and, if it matters at all, it will matter more to them than to me.
Samuel Butler

Does dying hurt? No more than living, I suppose.

Capt. Morgan Monkeyzen

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

Chris Rock

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

Chris Rock on McCain
Crowley: We seem to have survived. Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we'd been at all competent.
Good Omens

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Groucho Marx

And if anything can be learned from this high school massacre, it sure is: don't mess with Goths. They're fucking mental.

Frankie Boyle
Durkon: How will I finally be returnin' ta me beloved dwarven homelands?
The Oracle: Posthumously.
Vaarsuvius: How will I achieve complete and total ultimate arcane power?
The Oracle: By saying the right four words to the right being at the right time for all the wrong reasons.
Haley: (gibberish)
The Oracle: When the gift horse comes calling, don't look it in the mouth.
Elan: Will this story have a happy ending?
The Oracle: Yes - for you, at least.
Belkar: Do I get to cause the death of any of the following: Miko, Miko's stupid horse, Roy, Vaarsuvius, or you?
The Oracle: Yes.
Belkar: Sweet! Which one?
The Oracle: Next!
The Order of the Stick
Miko: Wait... did you say, "Xykon"?
Xykon: That's me, in the flesh! Except, you know, not.
The Order of the Stick
Ridcully: Ogg? Ogg? Name rings a bell. Any relation to Sobriety Ogg?
Shawn Ogg: He was my dad, sir.
Ridcully: Good grief. Old Sobriety's son? How is the old devil?
Shawn Ogg: Dunno, sir, what with him being dead.
Lords and Ladies
Doctor McNinja: I'm a doctor okay, I know my arteries didn't get hit.
Death: And I'm Death. And I know you are dead.
Doctor McNinja
Sherlock: (examining the body) The knife was removed to alleviate the victim's pain. The knife was then re-inserted in an attempt to stem the bleeding. This second insertion was the cause of death.
Watson: God lord, Holmes, how on Earth could you tell that?
Sherlock: I was watching you from the doorway, and frankly I couldn't believe my eyes.

[edit] Development

I wish I had an origin story for you. When I was four, I was bitten by a radioactive myth.

--Neil Gaiman, on how did he start liking Mythology.
Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, (House looks tired) but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. House: Lift up your arms.
(She does so)
Dr. House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
(She lies back, and still has her hands up)
Dr. House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
(He starts to ultrasound her abdomen)
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. House: (shows her the ultrasound) It has your eyes.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

--Charlie Chaplin
Shadow: Aren't you afraid of lung cancer?
Czernobog: I am lung cancer.
American Gods
Captain Morgan Monkeyzen had been, although he preferred to dismiss that fact, a human being once, although only as much a human being as you can rationally be. He liked to think that evolution had done an especially good job by turning cells into fish, fish into lizards, lizards into rats, rats into monkeys, monkeys into humans and a human into Morgan Monkeyzen, and his basic purpose in life was to stick around to see what came after him. (Mythorama)
Elan: Hey, V - if you translate, do you think I could talk to one of the camels? Y'know, since you're half-camel?
Vaarsuvius: You are a bottomless pit of self-reference, are you not?
The Order of the Stick
Elan's Dad: My ninth wife, Penelope, recently passed away. We held a state funeral for her last week.
Elan: Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry. What was the cause of death?
Elan's Dad: "Mysterious Circumstances".
Elan: Not another one! When will they find a cure?!?
The Order of the Stick
Xykon: One for all and all for one, right?
Redcloak: I can't help but notice that your sense of team spirit is inversely proportionate to your number of functioning appendages, sir.
Demonroach: He shoots, he scores!
Xykon: Cute. Did you actually grow a spine there, Redcloak?
Redcloak: Perhaps I just got hit with a piece of yours when you exploded, sir.
The Order of the Stick

Only the extremely ignorant or the extremely intelligent can resist change.

Socrates

[edit] Education

With all due respect, she is the worst teacher since Yoda decided to start teaching English.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.

Oscar Wilde

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Douglas Adams

A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Chris Rock (about George Bush)

You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it.

Neil Gaiman
Hugo: Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
Manfred: (to Sid) Okay, you. Check for poop.
Sid: Hey, why am I the poop-checker?
Manfred: Because returning the runt was YOUR idea, because you're small and insignificant, and because I'll pummel you if you don't.
Sid: Why else?
Manfred: NOW, SID!
Humans are hairless mammals that wear clothes because of their lack of fur everywhere in their ugly bodies except the head, the shagging area and in some cases, the rear end. Humans populate the earth and use her resources like there's no tomorrow, which, if they keep doing it, will actually not be.
They eat whatever the hell you serve them on a plate, a wrapping papper or a carton box, and do not have any necessity of carbone dioxyde other than the one of breathing it out. For some godly mistake, humans have lost the ability to talk with the other species of animal, and because of being only capable of speaking with other humans, most lead boring and suicide-leading lifes. Ultimately, this lack of intelligence has for some reason led them to believe that no one else is trying to use this planet but them, and that they can damnage it for no apparent reason and murder any other lifeform that gets in the way (just as the ones that don't get in the way). Finally, they seem to have changed the planet's climate into mixing up the tides and winds, melting the poles, making temperatures go desert-high in some points and Ice Age-low in others.
The Python's Orachle says that the Faerie Revolution will reduce the human population to about an eigth, and only a tenth of that number will survive the next Ice Age and the evolving fauna that will surely be wanting to get their revenge.
So far, humans have managed to make all faeries in the world go either into hiding or extinction, and have extincted a shitload of animals that didn't know any better. They now regret having murdered these animals while they go on murdering other ones.
The Buccaneer's Guide to Faerie, entry on Human
  • Ankh-Morpork! Pearl of cities! This is not a completely accurate description, of course — it was not round and shiny — but even its worst enemies would agree that if you had to liken Ankh-Morpork to anything, then it might as well be a piece of rubbish covered with the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc.
  • "[...]Can't you read, Esk?"
    The astonishment in his voice stung her.
    "I expect so," she said defiantly. "I've never tried."
Discworld

Jesus was born in a stable. So in many years later, when he left the door opened and people asked "Were you born in a barn?", he could say "Yes, I was, actually".

Mock the Week
Belkar: (after Roy is given a magic belt) No one ever hands me a major magic item, you know.
Durkon: Tha's 'cause yer a horrible lil miscreant.
Belkar: Yeah, but I'm pretending not to be. Trying! Trying not to be.
The Order of the Stick
Yoda: Stubborn and hard is your head. Soften it we will.
Luke: I stood on my head to soften it?
Yoda: Mysterious are the ways of the Force.
Luke: Did you just make me stand on my head for two hours because I was annoying you?
Yoda: Very mysterious.
Star Wars
You gotta know when to hold them
Know when to fold them
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the deal is done.
Kenny Rogers
Joffrey: The King can do as he likes!
Tyrion: The Mad King did as he liked. Has your uncle Jamie ever told you what happened to him?
Ser Meryn: No-one threatens His Grace in the presence of the King's Guard!
Tyrion: I'm not threatening the King, sir, I'm educating my nephew. (to Bron) Bron, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. (Bron grins) (to Ser Meryn) That was a threat. See the difference?
Game of Thrones (TV)

[edit] Evolution

There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of manmade evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf...

-- Good Omens
Morgan: One small step for a satyr... (falls into a hole)
Rad: ...One Epic Fail for all satyrkind.
Kazumi Kato: I'm a goddamn baby-making, life-taking MACHINE! Why should I care how many people I have to kill? I can just make more in my TUMMY!
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Faith

Roy: I cannot believe you sent all of our equipment away, leaving us defenseless!
Elan: Really? Because I can totally believe I did something like that.
The Order of the Stick
Haley: Celia, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Belkar didn't do anything wrong.
Belkar: I didn't? Huh.
The Order of the Stick
Belkar: Screw her and her "morals"! Let's make a break for it while she's distracted!
Haley: Appealing as that sounds, let me ask you this: would I be travelling with a horrid little bastard like you if I didn't need all the help I could get?
Belkar: Oh, right. Good point.
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Finances

Foster: What makes you think that by all the Universe’s fatal forces will allow you, humans, to command the most mythical mythological ship in the history of the sea?
Davy Jones: He gave me money, mate.
Foster: I see.

Words are like money; there is nothing so useless, unless when in actual use.

--Samuel Butler

John Silver: My father used to say money is like the wind. Without it, we stay on land, but with it we can roam wildly to the sea.

Ikkie: It's just a bunch of penguins.
Metabee: Your point?
Ikkie: Who in their right mind would pay to see that?
Metabee: Me! But since I don't have any money, you!
Medabots

[edit] French

(after Blackadder kills the Scarlett Pimpinell)
Baldrick: Yaay, it's the Scarlett Pimpinell!
Blackadder: So he is.
Baldrick: And you killed him!
Blackadder: So I did.

Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.

Dave Barry

[edit] Gastronomy

Giselle: (after the boys try her potion) How do you feel?
John: Disgusted.
Giselle: And?...
John: And disgusted.
Giselle: What about you?
Foster: I’m just disgusted.

Always eat grapes downwards - that is, always eat the best grape first; in this way there will be none better left on the bunch, and each grape will seem good down to the last.

Samuel Butler

To merfolk, pirates are a nuisance. To pirates, merfolk are a threat. To the Kraken, they're both appetizers.

Magic the Gathering
House: Put it on Dr. Wilson's tab.
Cashier: I don't know who Dr. Wilson is. And we don't have tabs.
House: Do you know who I am?
Cashier: No.
House: Good. (leaves)
Taub: I trust you had a wonderful Thanksgiving?
Chase: I don't remember. So I guess I did.

There never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

Good Omens

Nanny Ogg would try anything once. Some things she'd try several thousand times.

Witches Abroad

Keep watching only for the giants and you'll be eaten by the ants.

Magic the Gathering

[edit] Gods

Ray, if someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!

Ghostbusters

[edit] History

The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.

Oscar Wilde

It came a time in the entrails of History when Buccaneers thought it'd be easier for them to pass vital information between themselves if they just put it all in a book, made copies for each Buccaneer and updated it every year or so with the discoveries that they made in the meantime. For the first edition, the Alzar nominated the experts on each of the faery species to write extensive texts on the appearance, behaviour, distribution and aproach of each of their subjects. The entry on "Stymphalian Birds" happened to be attributed to an ancestor of Rhog Kironoko, who had spent several years living near a flock of these birds, breeding them, eating their flesh and eggs, he spoke their tongue and had his wife, children and best friends all killed by them in their mating season. While other experts made very long texts for the entries of the creatures they spent their lives with (which have proved useful for following generations of Buccaneers), to this day, the entry on the Stymphalian Birds says simply "Fuck them".

-- (Mythorama)
Squirrel: Oh, mighty Shphinx, tell me, have you lived here all your life?
Shphinx Mooch: Not yet.
Mutts

[edit] Honesty

Statler: I think honesty is always the best policy.
Waldorf: You believe that?
Statler: No, I was lying.
(The doorbell rings)
Judy: Can somebody get that?
Brian: Busy!
Tina: Busy!
Bill: Lazy!

Captain Jack Sparrow: Me, I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you gotta watch out for, 'cause you never know when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.

Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear lest she should catch cold on over-exposure.

--Samuel Butler

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

--Samuel Butler

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

--Samuel Butler

There is no sacrifice greater than someone else's.

-- Skipper

Why do I have this imagination? It's the only one I've got!

-- Neil Gaiman

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

--Dr. Seuss

Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

Oscar Wilde

Hard work may pay off in the long run, but laziness always pays off right now!

The Order of the Stick

A lie is simply a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

Barney Stintson

"I just don't trust you enough to believe that you lied."

The Order of the Stick (Belkar to Roy, later Roy to Lord Shojo)
Roy: You'll have to check prostitutes for both genders.
Belkar: Fine, but don't say I don't ever make sacrifices for the team.
Roy: You don't ever make sacrifices for the team.
Belkar: ...True.
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Humanity

I love mankind - it's people I can't stand.

Charles Schultz

You know a generation fails epicly when their vampires sparkle.

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: Animals know since they're born what they need to do to be happy in life, and they do it if you'll let'em. Humans don't have a tiny-ass clue, so they ruin it for everybody trying to find out.

Granny Weatherwax: Magic's far too important to be used for rulin' people.

Witches Abroad
  • His plan was simple - not because Angelo was a man of simple tastes, but because he was himself a simple man. Simple plans were all the plans he knew how to do.
  • In the world there were, to Ogyte's understanding, four types of person: there were those who said "Let's stay home and make dinner" and there were those who said "Let's go to the moon". To the latter, there were those who replied with "Don't be foolish, that's impossible" and there were those who replied with "How?"
  • Whenever Zofia had to refer to something which she knew had happened in the past but wasn't quite sure on which point of the past this was, she always said that it happened a million years ago. At least this way people realized she was joking, except for Ogyte, who believed her and never learnt to count to one million.
Midrock

If a man would get hold of the public era, he must pay, marry, or fight.

Samuel Butler

Ethics is something dumb people invented to keep smart people from doing stuff.

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen

[edit] Hunger

Chris Rock:

  • People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat … if you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!
  • We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Stretching his hand out to catch the stars, he forgets the flowers at his feet.

-- Jeremy Bentham

[edit] Individualism

I second that individualism!

You are unique; just like everybody else.

Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. "I'm conservative", "I'm liberal", "I'm conservative". Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!

--Chris Rock

There's only two things that dragons hate: non-dragons and everybody else.

Mythorama

If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you're doing.

X-Men

[edit] Infinity

Albert Einstein: There are only two infinite things: the Universe and human stupidity.

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

--Samuel Butler

[edit] Inquisition

Barbossa: What are you doing?

[edit] Inquisition of inquisition

Captain Jack Sparrow: What are you doing?

[edit] Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition

Barbossa: No, what are you doing?!

[edit] Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition

Captain Jack Sparrow: What are YOU doing?!

[edit] Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition

Barbossa: No, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Han: You repair droids?
Owner: We do. We have cleverly concealed that information on the sign outside, the blinking apparatus that reads NINGAL'S DROID REPAIR.
--Star Wars

[edit] Intelligence

Roy: I hired you to be the party tracker!!
Belkar: And don't you feel stupid now?!?
Roy: No, Belkar, I don't think it's physically possible for me to feel stupid after talking to you.
Miko: Perhaps we should compare our respective Wisdom modifiers?
Belkar: ... I'll be in the back.
The Order of the Stick
  • A mind is like a parachute. It only works when it's opened.
  • If you can't change your mind, how can you be sure you have one?

Professor Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them they think they're smarter than me.

Futurama
Albert: Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?
Mort: No, what?
(pause)
Albert: Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right.
Mort
Human: How could you get on board without knowing where you are?
Doctor: Look at me. I'm stupid!
Doctor Who

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Hogfather

[edit] Invisibility

Thimbletack: You don't see us -- now you do. But only if we want you to.

When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Futurama

Myra: If we're goin' in there we'll require stealth and subtlety. Where's my chainsaw?

Skin Deep

[edit] Italy

Vai a fare in culo, stronzo.

It was a small village, and wouldn't have shown up on a map of the mountains. It barely showed up on a map of the village.

Discworld

[edit] Kunami

No. With all due respect, your wife is a whore.

Gato Fedorento

[edit] Latin

  • Reductio ad Absurdum
    • (Reduction to the Absurd - the principle of BUCCA)
  • Malo periculosam libertatem quam quietum servitium
    • (I prefer liberty with danger to peace with slavery)
  • Malum Discordiae
    • (Apple of Discord)
  • Mater facit!
    • (Mother does it/ Mother fuck it!)
  • Mea navis aëricumbens anguillis abundat
  • Melita, domi adsum!
    • (Honey, I'm home!)
  • Risuum causa
    • (For the sake of the laughs - For the Lulz)
  • Magister dixit!
    • (The teacher has said it!)
  • Mortui vivos docent
    • (Let the dead teach the living)
  • Ave Caesar, morituri te salutant.
    • (Ave Caesar, those who are about to die salute you.)
  • Ave Caesar, morituri nolumus mori.
    • (Ave Caesar, we who are about to die... don't want to.)
  • Mors tua vita mea
    • (Your death, my life)
  • Mors certa, hora incerta
    • (Death is certain, its hour is uncertain)
  • Mulgere hircum
    • (To milk a male goat - to attempt the impossible)
  • Vade metro, Satana!
    • (Go by subway, Satan!)
  • Vel non.
    • (Or not.)
  • Veni, vidi, pwni.
    • (I came, I saw, I pwned)
  • Vero possumus!
    • (Yes, We Can!)
  • Post hoc ergo propter hoc
    • (After this, therefore because of this)
  • Sodomy non sapiens
    • (Buggered if I know - from Discworld)
  • Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides
    • (Now you see it, now you don't - from Discworld)

This page ends here. Vel non.

[edit] Leonine

The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.
Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!"
Police Officer: So, the giant bear is...
Julia: Evil.
Police Officer: And the giant dwarf is...
Julia: An oxymoron.
Police Officer: Cute.
The Order of the Stick

Using metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu — was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it.

Lords And Ladies

[edit] Love

So, where are those tits?

Lol, 69.

Foster: How many boyfriends did you have?
Kizzy: (shows him a bottle full of human eyes) This many.

Luís de Camões: Pelos céus, que coincidência! Também eu quero fazer sexo com essa mulher!

Dr. House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

Groucho Marx
Xykon: I have an idea.
Redcloak: Please don't recruit the hobgoblins, Lord Xykon.
Xykon: Hey, I need new minions. I'm down to my last goblin, and it's only a matter of time before you kick the bucket.
Redcloak: I love you too, sir.
The Order of the Stick

Xykon: I think I just had an evilgasm.

The Order of the Stick

Doctor: Oh, this is how it all ends. Pond flirting with herself. True love at last.

Doctor Who

[edit] Botany

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet
And so are you...
...But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugarbowl's empty
And so is your head
Roses are red
Violets are blue
WHO CARES? I'M BORED!
Something something canoe
Roses are red
Violets are blue
In Soviet Russia
Poem writes you
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I like to play Zork
But I get eaten by a Grue
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I cannot rhyme
And bananas are yellow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
In Soviet Russia,
Google finds YOU!!
Lemons are yellow
Violets are blue
I'm a dirty fellow
And so are you.
Roeses has a red,
violetz has a blu,
i nom nom dem bof,
an thro up purpul goo.
--(Ceiling Cat) [2]
Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I've got something nasty
And now so do you.
Mock the Week
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
This one doesn't.

[edit] Madness

THIS IS SPARTA!

Foster: What is this?
Jester:This would be Sparta.
Beckett: You're mad.
Captain Jack Sparrow: Well, thank goodness for that, because if I wasn't, this would probably never work!

Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpetting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying "this is a large crisis". A large crisis requires a large plan. Now get me two pencils and a pair of underpants. (http://finchley.deviantart.com/art/Blackadder-Tribute-53086771)

If a man sees something that isn't there, he's called mad. If a bunch of people see something that isn't there, it's called a religion.

Salvador Dali:

  • I don't do drugs. I am drugs.
  • Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
  • Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings.
  • There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
  • What is an elegant woman? An elegant woman is a woman who despises you and who has no hair under her arms.
  • It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.
  • Drawing is the honesty of the art. There is no possibility of cheating. It is either good or bad.
  • The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot.

Of course I'm sane, when trees start talking to me, I don't talk back.

--Discworld

Madness and genius are separated only by a degree of success.

--Einstein
Miko: Clearly, this is your yearly tithe to your deity.
Roy: No.
Miko: Then it is a generous donation to a local orphanage.
Roy: No.
Miko: A gift to a home for the aged, then?
Roy: No.
Miko: Hospital?
Roy: No.
Miko: Sanitarium?
Roy: No. Though if I knew one that would take them, I'd consider it.
The Order of the Stick

Of course I'm sure I've gone mad. The little man who crawled out of my eye was quite clear on this.

Magic the Gathering

[edit] Marriage

I now condemn you husband and wife. Please kiss.

By the power invested in me by His Noodly Appendage, I marry you to a cabbage.

When I buy my wife, at first she cook good, her vagine worked well, she strong on plow, but 3 years later when she was 15, she receive hair on her chest, her voice become deep, "Borat, Borat", and her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard.

When you have given everything, then you have everything to gain.

Magic the Gathering

We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?!

-- Chris Rock
Barney: (talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale) I can’t go, I’ve got this thing…
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis.
How I Met Your Mother

By all means marry; if you get a good wife you'll become happy; if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

[edit] Mortality

The Sun is born, and it doesn't last more then a day.

Morgan Monkeyzen: You know, the great part of being a mortal is that every one of our problems has a quick solution.

Jeff: Greetings to everyone at Amazon.com. I'm Jeff Dunham, here with Achmed, the Dead Terrorist. Say hi, Achmed.
Achmed: Oh, good evening. I kill you.
Jeff: What was that?
Achmed: Nothing, I was just saying hello to all the infidels out there. Hello, infidels. Your time will come.
Jeff: Wha-what is that supposed to mean?
Achmed: Oh, nothing! Please continue.
Jeff: Right. Anyway, we appreciate you stopping by Amazon.com, don't we, Achmed?
Achmed: More than anything... I kill you.
Jeff: ... And a special thanks to all our fans who already bought our DVDs.
Achmed: Yes, thank you. We are so very grateful... I kill you, and your mothers...
Jeff: Wha-- did you say anything?
Achmed: What?
Jeff: What did you say?
Achmed: Oh, nothing, nothing...
Jeff: I thought you said something after "we are so very grateful".
Achmed: Wasn't me! Someone else over here perhaps, maybe there's a ventriloquist around, I don't know. I kill you.
Jeff: You know, our latest DVD, "Spark of Insanity", has all your favourite characters, like Walter...
Achmed: I kill him.
Jeff: ...Peanut...
Achmed: I kill him!
Jeff: ... and, of course, Achmed.
Achmed: Now that is one funny guy. He should get paid more, don't you think?
Jeff: We had no idea, when we made "Spark", that it would go on to be one of the best-selling comedy DVDs of all time.
Achmed: No idea! Who knew?! I kill you.
Jeff: What?
Achmed: Huh?
Jeff: Well, anyway, we wanna thank Amazon.com for their help. Right, Achmed?
Achmed: Yes. A million thanks to Amazon.com.
Jeff: Right.
Achmed: Blow them up.
Jeff: What?
Achmed: Nothing. I kill you.
Jeff: I heard that.
Achmed: You heard what?
Jeff: You said "I kill you".
Achmed: Who, me?!
Jeff: Yeah, you.
Achmed: Oh, that. That was just a joke. (fake laugh)
Jeff: What kind of joke is it to say "I kill you"?
Achmed: Trust me, if you're a terrorist, that's funny stuff.
Jeff: Okay. Yes, huh... (Achmed's foot falls)
Achmed: It's terrorrist humour. Fix my foot.
Jeff: Sorry. (fixes foot)
Achmed: It's very dark. If you--(Achmed's other foot falls) Fix my other foot.
Jeff: Sorry. (fixes foot and drops the first one)
Achmed: If you were a-- fix my other freakin' foot!
Jeff: I'm sorry.
Achmed: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!
Jeff: Sorry, just... fix the feet. (fixes feet) Got it.
Achmed: Okay! Okay! It's very dark humour.
Jeff: Yeah.
Achmed: If you were a terrorist, you'd be laughing your buttocks off. See, I don't have any buttocks.
Jeff: I got it. Now, we're trying to make a nice videoclip for Amazon.
Achmed: I'm sorry. I will behave.
Jeff: Promise?
Achmed: Yes.
Jeff: Now, where was I?
Achmed: Hey, what's that over there?!
Jeff: What?
Achmed: I kill you. (both his feet fall)
Jeff: Thank you. Thank you.
Achmed: No, thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Jeff: For what?
Achmed: For buying our DVD.
Jeff: Right.
Achmed: Fix my foot.
Jeff: Ok. (fixes feet)
Achmed: Nice. Was that a cut?
Jeff: I don't know.
Achmed: Can I kill you now?
Jeff: Sure.
Achmed: Screw you.

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

--Samuel Butler

Over the piano was printed a notice: Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

-- Oscar Wilde
Morgan: You know we is like the mafia, right?
Jester: Mafia of Nature.
Morgan: And if you ever hurt our little girl... we gonna be your longterm poltergeists.
Foster: Yeah.
Jester: Huhuh.
Foster: When you're happy, we'll be there to ruin it.
Jester: When you're sad, we'll be there to make it worse.
Foster: When you're showering, we will be there.
Morgan: When you get another woman, we'll be there to scare her off.
Jester: When you're calm we'll be there.
Foster: When you not so calm we'll be there.
Morgan: Even when you think we can't possibly be there...
Foster: Hehe.
Jester: We'll be there.
Morgan: Sawy?

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

--Discworld

[edit] Natural Life

  • Animals and plants cannot understand our business, so we have denied that they can understand their own. What we call inorganic matter cannot understand the animals’ and plants’ business, we have therefore denied that it can understand anything whatever.
  • All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
--Samuel Butler

What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.

--Douglas Adams

"The Buccaneer's Guide to Faerie" is a 21st century-written book of the authory of the Buccaneer wizard biologist Captain Morgan Monkeypen, its title giving alusion to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The book teaches several ways for human beings to find and distinguish the species of supernatural beings that populate the Earth, how to protect oneself from them and, ultimately, how to become one. Since its first publishing in 2056, it has become widely popular amongst Mythology-lovers and Neopagans, often used as a grimoire, and has been an essential instrument upon the Faerie Revolution of the Third Millenium. Despite several more unfortunate circumstances which had eventually led to bloody wars, "The Buccaneer's Guide to Faerie" has proved itself to be of interest even to the faery world, becoming one of the top five best-selling post-Renaissance books for faeries and witches of all the world, along with titles such as "100 Ways to Cook Water-Nixie", "Touristic Spots of Atlantis", "Fifty Reasons Why Kidnapping Children Stops Global Warming", and "Twilight".

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're upside down.

Life is wasted on the living.

Douglas Adams
They say it's just a waste of time,
But they don't realize
That worry is nothing but a crime,
We are creatures worldly wise
Hakuna Matata

Dear Points of View: Watching "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" made me think that if I made gay friends, they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fuck me.

Frankie Boyle
Luke: Master Yoda, are you content? You've been alone for so long...
Yoda: Alone? No. Always the past to keep me company. The creatures on the planet, and the Force. And now you. Annoying though you may be.
Star Wars

Look, men fight wars. Women just end them.

Midrock

Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge.

Carl Sagan
Marcus: And it's not like you lot never do anything wrong ever, is it? I mean, how come I got to know Will in the first place?
Will: Because you threw a bloody great baguette at a duck's head and killed it, basically.
About A Boy
Fanboy: What would happen if Ranma got pregnant as a girl, then changed back to a boy?
Rumiko Takahashi: I don't think about that, and neither should you.

[edit] Obituary

Foster: They're trying to get human babies and trade them as wizards and enchanters so they can help us.
Midas: Is it working?
Foster: Not really... some of them can't let go their human instincts. Many of them have quite horrible fates, actually.
Midas: Like what?
Foster: (takes off a list and starts to go through it) Among the many fates, the most popular of the 2006 voting were:
  • Eaten by a sphinx
  • turned into a cat
  • crushed by a 16-tons weight
  • turned into a pebble
  • burnt by a dragon
  • turned into stone by a Gorgon
  • turned into stone by a basilisk
  • eaten by a basilisk
  • raped by a basilisk
  • eaten by a manticore
  • eaten by a troll
  • raped by giant koala bears
  • killed by a Mayan god
  • buried alive
  • kidnapped by mermaids
  • impriosoned in a tree
  • turned into a tree
  • eaten by a flying ferret
  • eaten by Cthulhu
  • ate an Avalon's apple
  • turned into an eyeball
  • married to a sphynx
  • attacked by a Siamese bat
  • eaten by Lilith
  • burnt to death by Raiden
  • crushed by a giant
  • killed by a lemur
  • eaten by a saber-toothed tiger
  • turned into a dodo
  • imprisoned by the elves
  • killed by hearing a banshee
  • agressed by goblins
  • raped by a shapeshifter
  • victim of car crash
  • annoyed the flower faeries
  • killed by a camel watcher
  • crushed by a giant foot
  • turned into a tea-kettle
  • fucked by Cthulhu
  • heard Monty Python's Deadly Joke.
  • laughed his/her ass off
  • offended the gods
  • offended by the gods
  • killed by a stick figure
  • raped by a stick figure
  • married a giant koala bear
  • swallowed microscopic octupus eggs then gave birth to an octupus
  • raped by a Kraken (lol tentacle rape)
  • joined the Scouts.

[edit] Ocean

Morgan: Hi. We're looking for a fish.
Mermaid: Oh, that's a shame. We only have a few trillion left.
Midrock
Amy: Why did you just do that, with the water?
Doctor: I don't know. I think a lot, it's hard to keep track.
Doctor Who

Investigation: I, Huun Cuuda of Ardorspawn, saw you leap off the building. It appeared as if you were going to attack Ambassador Tan. Judgement: you probably intended to hurt him. Guilty as charged. Punishment: you're dead.

Carpe Chaos

[edit] Pacifism

Bender: I'm a pacifist. You know, a coward.

Midas: Screw them Christians. Screw them ninjas too. Actually, get everyone who's not a pacifist and dump them in a hole with lions, so I can watch them fight each other.
Gaston: (pause) ... Dude.

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs!

-- Chris Rock

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

-- Good Omens
Belkar: (after blowing up) The horse first. You? A close second.
Vaarsuvius: I rest easy knowing that your revenge requires you to first outsmart someone's mount.
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Paganism

Monotheism is, to me, a great simplification. I mean the Qabalah has a great multiplicity of gods, but at the very top of the Qabalic Tree of Life, you have this one sphere that is absolute God, the monad, something which is indivisible. All of the other gods, and indeed everything else in the universe, is a kind of emanation of that God. Now, that’s fine, but it's when you suggest that there is only that one God, at this kind of unreachable height above humanity, and there is nothing in between, you’re limiting and simplifying the thing. I tend to think of Paganism as a kind of alphabet, as a language, it's like all of the gods are letters in that language. They express nuances, shades of meaning or certain subtleties of ideas, whereas monotheism tends to just be one vowel and it's just something like 'oooooooo'. It's a monkey sound.

Alan Moore

[edit] Piratage

Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: Being a pirate's not about knowing how to swordfight. It's about knowing how to avoid swordfighting.

There are only two rules of tactics: never be without a plan, and never rely on it.

Magic the Gathering

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

The Colour of Magic

[edit] Jerry the Frog Productions

Captain Jack: I don't mean to alarm you, but you have a starfish growing out of your face.
Bootstrap: I don't mean to alarm you, but Davy Jones is gonna have your soul on a silver platter.
Captain Jack: Alarmed? Ha! I swagger in the face of danger.
Bootstrap: Oh, and Davy Jones told me to give you this black spot. Make sure you feed and water it every day.
Captain Jack: Okay, now I'm alarmed.
Captain Jack: What valuable skills can you offer our team?
Norrington: I can puke and offer skepticism.
Tia Dalma: I have something that will make it all better!
Elizabeth: What's that?
Tia Dalma: Resurrected characters for the purpose of screwing with fans' heads!
Barbossa: Yo.
Captain Jack: Wow, lucky I had these bridges, trees and hard ground to cushion my thousand-foot fall.

[edit] Poetry

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

-- Oscar Wilde

[edit] Police

I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like "Damn, maybe I did!".

--Chris Rock

You mean to tell me you could find Saddam Hussein in a fucking hole, but you can't tell me who shot Tupac?? Shit. They found Saddam Hussein in fucking Iraq... Tupac got shot in Vegas!! In fucking Vegas!

-- Chris Rock
Haley: Wait, are you saying you don't kill?
Celia: Yeah, uh, MOST people don't kill, Haley! That's why there are laws against murder. It's really only adventurers who think "Hmm, how can I solve this problem? Oh, right, bloodshed!"
Belkar: That's not true. We run away a lot, too.
The Order of the Stick
Troll: I means, do you have any beer, spirits, wines, liquors, hallucinogenic herbage or books of a lewd or licentious nature?
Ridcully: No.
Troll: No?
Ridcully: No.
Troll: Sure?
Ridcully: Yes.
Troll: Would you like some?
Bursar: We haven't even got any billygoats.
There are some people that would whistle 'Yankee Doodle' in a crowded bar in Atlanta. Even these people would consider it tactless to mention the word 'billygoat' to a troll.

(...)

Troll: Oh-ho. Dwarf smuggling, eh?
Ridcully: Don't be ridiculous, man, there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling.
Troll: Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?
Casanunda: I'm a giant.
Troll: Giants are a lot bigger.
Casanunda: I've been ill.
Lords and Ladies

[edit] Politics

Ghillie-Dhu: ALL HEIL THE GHILLIE-DHU!

I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

-- Chris Rock

You know, the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. "Mr President, what about the war, when's it gonna end?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know, how's it going, yeah!" "Mr President, what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?" "Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying, all right!" "Mr President, what about gay marriage?" "Fuck them faggots!"

-- Chris Rock

George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? George Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one. "Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!" "Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck...psych!"

-- Chris Rock
Vaarsuvius: Fine. But let the record show that I consider this an utter waste of my prodigious magical talent.
Roy: I'll inform our stenographer.
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Propaganda

Pop a Poppler in your mouth
When you come to Fishy Joe's.
What they're made of is a mystery
Where they come from no one knows,
You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em.
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.

... And now, backwards:

Explore Neepa-Noopa's snippers
Sue us if that snarb ekay mikkets
If we moosh, miffy licka, lick me murka
If we saw another Noofa in a wheelchair,
Mr. Rayanetto sauce!
He shaved the monkey love farm in your roof.
Hop-a-Hop!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn3aYvHbvx4&feature=channel_page

[edit] Racism

Mr. Wong: Remember, black people run very fast. But problem run faster.
Norbit: ...That's kinda racist.
Mr. Wong: Yes, Wong very racist. Don't like black. Don't like Jew either. But black and Jew love Chinese food. Go figure.

I hate niggas! I hate em! I'd join the Ku Klux Klan if they'd let me! --Chris Rock (an African American)

Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

--Chris Rock
Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: Pardo. In Brazil, means someone whose parents are of different races.
Giselle: It means that?
Captain Morgan Monkeyzen: Yeah. It used to mean just a person whose parents were Indian and European, then just African and European, but in Brazil, where there’s plenty of guaraná to get you drunk enough to even shag a jaguar, people all started to intercourse with each other. There was black people on top of white people, white people on top of Indian people, Indian people on top of them jaguars, pardos on top of everyone, and after some years even the Japanese started to go there to escape from Hiroshima, but with all those sex-maniac pardos and jaguars, they only got with an even worst bomb on top of them, if you know what I mean!
Giselle: You’re disgusting.
  • Being racist on Earth is much different from being racist on the cosmopolitan ports of the Galaxy. Here, the choices are endless.
  • You look at them insectoids and you think they're disgusting. Well, the insectoids look at us and think humanoids are disgusting. The difference is, they don't care.
Captain Drever

It goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead, and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real.

Neil Gaiman

Why do I choose to hate these people whom I see everyday, but I choose to love God who I've never met?

DeStorm Power

[edit] Religion

The gods are about to get pissed.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!

George Carlin: I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

  • Christianity demands the crucifixion of the intellect.
  • What a dangerous objection it would be against Christianity, therefore, if Paganism had a definition of sin which Christianity had to acknowledge was correct.
Søren Kierkegaard
Child: Are the gods not just?
Master: Oh no, child. What would become of us if they were?
C.S. Lewis

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Jacob knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, “There's just something about you that pisses me off."

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Pagan motto: Harm ye none, live as ye will.

I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously.

Douglas Adams

On the Disc, the gods are not so much worshipped as blamed.

Discworld

"I don't see what's so t'riffic about creating people as people and then gettin' upset 'cos they act like people," said Adam severely. "Anyway, if you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive."

Good Omens

You can't make things right by magic. You can only stop making them wrong.

Witches Abroad

Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.

Oscar Wilde

Raja: It's not my fault if she thinks dressing in a robe and shutting up a little makes her a Muslim!

I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

Mohandas Gandhi
Granny Weatherwax: Once you start paddlin' with the occult you start believing in spirits, and when you start believing in spirits you start believing in demons, and then before you know where you are you're believing in gods. And then you're in trouble.
Nanny Ogg: But all them things exist!
Granny Weatherwax: That's no call to go around believing in them. It only encourages'em.
Lords and Ladies

Respect ghosts and gods, but keep away from them.

Confucius

[edit] Sadism

What I see here is a dozen people, all trying to make each other miserable. You disgust me, but it's also faintly amusing. Carry on.

A lawyer in an actual Dutch court
Vaarsuvius: Every living creature that directly shares your bloodline is dead. Every living creature that is directly related to any of those creatures is also dead. Anyone who could possibly make a claim to be part of your family is gone now. Given your kind's low rate of reproduction, I estimate that I have eliminated approximately one-quarter of the black dragons on the planet.
ABD: You... you MONSTER!
Vaarsuvius: We are all in the Monster Manual somewhere, are we not? My entry lies between Elemental and Ethereal Filcher.
The Order of the Stick
Right-Eye: I don't know why you let Xykon still call you that, much less all the other goblins. (...) It's demeaning.
Redcloak: Maybe, but I really don't want to go through the trouble of correcting Xykon at this late stage. With his memory, we're lucky he remembers "Redcloak" and "Right-Eye", to be frank. Actually, we're lucky he remembers "Xykon".
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Safe Sex

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: do not have sex with the authorities. (Matt Groening)

Ladies: Just because he came, don't mean you made him come! (Chris Rock)

He went on to associate Nick with several other unsavory items, the least offensive being the outcome of an improbable romantic liaison between a Hutt and a Wookiee.

Star Wars

Toast? No one can suck my cock after toast!

Frankie Boyle

[edit] Shit

It's better to have shit coming out of your mouth then entering it!

But then again, Morgan didn’t trust anybody. He didn’t trust faeries because they weren’t human. He didn’t trust humans because they were human.

-- Mythorama

[edit] Shiver Me Timbers

Shiver my timbers, shiver my soul
Yo oh heave ho
There are men whose hearts are as black as coal
Yo oh heave ho
And they sailed their ship cross the ocean's blue
A blood-thirsty captain and a cut-throat crew
It's as dark a tale as was ever told
Of the lust for treasure and the love of gold
Shiver my timbers, shiver my sides
Yo oh heave ho
There are hungers as strong as the wind and tides
Yo oh heave ho
And those buccaneers drowned their sins in rum
The devil himself would have to call them scum
Every man aboard would have killed his mate
For a bag of guineas or a piece of eight
A piece of eight
A piece of eight
Five, six, seven, eight
Hulla wacka hulla wacka something not right
Many wicked icky things gonna happen tonight
Hulla wacka hulla wacka sailor man beware
When the money in the ground there's murder in the air
Murder in the air
One more time now
Shiver my timbers, shiver my bones
Yo oh heave ho
There are secrets that sleep with old Davy Jones
Yo oh heave ho
When the mainsail's set and the anchor's weighed
There's no turning back from any quest that's laid
And when greed and villainy sail the sea
You can bet your boots there'll be treachery
Shiver my timbers, shiver my sails
Dead men tell no tales

[edit] Spanish Inquisition

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPA-- Oh, bugger.

Close enough is good enough.

Vaarsuvius

[edit] Tatooine

Ahsoka: So this is your home.
Anakin: No.
Ahsoka: Tell me about it.
Anakin: No.
Star Wars

I like my villains how I like my coffee: dark and Lawful. And I like my heroes how I like my women: Chaotic and determinated.

Midrock
Xykon: (to Miko) I sense much anger in you.
Redcloak: Wow, your mystic senses are perfectly attuned to what she JUST said out loud.
Xykon: Shush, I'm on a tangent here. I get how it makes it easier to get out of bed if you hold yourself all high and mighty above us, but you're really not better than us. You just have a class with tougher alignment restrictions. Remember, paladin: Anger leads to hate, hate leads to... fear? Or is it suffering? I can never remember how this goes.
Redcloak: No, no, it's fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the Dark Side.
Xykon: Are you sure? Because I really thought "hate" was in there someplace.
Redcloak: Hmm, maybe you're right, that does sorta sound familiar...
Monster: Doesn't something lead to "gluttony"?
Redcloak: No, that's something else.
Xykon: Look, the point is, it's a net gain for Team Us.
Miko: I'm guessing "stupidity" also has a place in that progression.
Redcloak: You have no idea. (the Demon Cockroaches play with lightsabres)
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Time

Morgan: Say love, will I ever--
Fate: Yes.
Morgan: Yes what?
Fate: What you were going to ask.
Morgan: How did you know what I was going to ask?
Fate: I know everything.
Morgan: Of course.
Fate: Past, present and future.
Morgan: Wait, how did you know what I was gonna ask if I didn't even get a chance to ask it?
Fate: ... I knew I would say yes.
Morgan: Without knowing the question?
Fate: It was fate!
Morgan: And what if that's the wrong answer to the question I didn't even got around to ask?
Fate: If you didn't ask it, it doesn't have an answer. If it doesn't have an answer, why should it be a wrong one?
Morgan: I hate time travelling.
Mythorama
Redcloak: Good morning, this is your requested wake-up call. The time is now half past reasonable.
The Order of the Stick

I don't want to talk to me, I scare me.

Hiro Nakamura
Ando: Why do you want to be different?
Hiro: Why do you want to be the same?
Heroes
  • This is my timey wimey detector. It goes "ding" when there's stuff.
  • People assume that time is a straight progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective view point, it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey... stuff.
The Doctor

[edit] Undeath

Lord Xykon: I tell you, it's the little day-to-day surprises that make unlife worth unliving. Have fun!
The Order of the Stick

[edit] Universe

  • In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
  • It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
--Douglas Adams

[edit] Violence

You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.

--Chris Rock

You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, "Damn, he must have did something." Niggas will say "you motherfucker, I'd kill you if I could afford it! I'm gonna get a second job, I'm gonna take a mortgage out on my house, and then you're a fucking dead man!" And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

--Chris Rock

It was already growling, and the growl was a low, rumbling snarl of spring-coiled menace, the sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat and ends up in someone else's.

-- Good Omens
Recruiting Major: Admiral – there have to be standards—
Ackbar: Major, ask yourself how many of the everyday heroes of the Rebellion – not just the names everyone knows – would have qualified to fight for their freedom under your rules, and then ask yourself if that answer doesn't make you look just a bit like a dewback's cloaca.
Star Wars

Violence is never the answer, unless the question is "what is never the answer?", in which case you could answer, "violence", but you'd be wrong, because violence is never the answer.

Dan: I will smack you so hard your grandchildren will be mentally disabled.
Doctor McNinja
Vaarsuvius: I may be in error, but I believe the appropriate proclamation is "Sneak Attack, bitch."
The Order of the Stick

[edit] What in...

What in the infernal name of Iblis's shaggiest Y-fronts is that?

What in the name of Merlin's left nut was that?

What in the name of the Prophet's wrinkled nutbag is that?

What in the name of the same gods that taught the Antlanters how not to swim is that?

What in Anne Bonny's voluptuous uncovered breasts is that?

What in the name of Hermes the creator of Caturday is that?

What in Adamastor's wrinkled lower storm clouds is that, bicho imundo?

What in the work of Samuel Butler, the Oscar Wilde of Venezuelan Beaver Cheese is that?

What in the full randomness of /b/ is that?

[edit] When Life Gives You Lemons

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

When life gives you lemons, save the receipt.

When life gives you lemons, say thank you, you ungrateful bastards.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and watch the world try to figure how you did it.

Who the hell posted this in here? I´m calling the authorities.


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