User:Midasminus
From Wikiquote
Please, trolls, bug off - I'm a gnome. And now for something completely different:
[edit] Anatomy
- General: Right. Do you have this man's legs?
- Tiger-suited guy 1: What, a wooden leg?
- General: No, a real live flesh leg! This man was perfectly fine while he slept, when someone or something, came and stole his legs.
- Tiger-suited guy 1: Without waking him up?
- General: (pause) (awkwardly) Yes.
- Tiger-suited guy 1: I don't believe you.
[edit] Bars
Bartender: Do we serve water here?
[edit] Beauty
There aren't ugly women. We just haven't drank enough.
- (Baldrick is in a drag dress with very large fake breasts)
- Blackadder: Baldrick, why are you dressed like that?
- Baldrick: You want the long answer or the short answer?
- Blackadder: Oh, the short answer, please.
- Baldrick: Whim.
- Blackadder: (pause) Whim. (pause) The short answer is 'whim'.
- Baldrick: Yes.
- Blackadder: Just out of curiosity, what was the long answer?
- Baldrick: It was 'a whim'.
[edit] Bravo
- Waldorf: That was wonderful.
- Statler: Bravo!
- Waldorf: I loved it.
- Statler: That was great!
- Waldorf: Well, it was pretty good.
- Statler: Well, it wasn't bad.
- Waldorf: Parts of it weren't very good, though.
- Statler: It could have been a lot better.
- Waldorf: I didn't really like it.
- Statler: It was pretty terrible.
- Waldorf: It was bad!
- Statler: It was awful!
- Waldorf: That was terrible!!
- Statler: Booo!
- Waldorf: BOOO GET OUT OF THE STAGE!
- Reporter: You've done a lot of really inventive characters- -
- Johnny Depp: You're saying I'm a weirdo?
[edit] Comedy
Foster: Dude, this guy wouldn’t see the meaning of a joke even if it grabbed a big knife, chopped his head off and started eating dog food.
[edit] Country
John Cleese: (after being interrupted) What about my rustic monologue? (pause) I'm not sleeping with that producer again.
[edit] Courage
Hogsqueal: That's right griffin, fly all you want! I just ate a whole ogre by myself, and you're coming next!
Jack Sparrow: We must fight... to run away!
[edit] Creativity
There's a fine line between inspiration and duplication, and it is the same line between genius and hack.
[edit] Critique
- Waldorf: How do they do it?
- Statler: How do we watch it?
- Waldorf: Why do we watch it?
- Both: (to the audience) Why do you watch it?!
[edit] Cthulhu
Dare you to fuck without Cthulhu!
[edit] Death
Every man lives for the day he dies.
News announcer: Shocking evidence that the majority of deaths occur to people who are alive.
- Tim The Enchanter: For Death awaits you all... with nasty big pointy teeth!
- Arthur: What an odd behaviour.
[edit] Education
With all due respect, she is the worst teacher since Yoda decided to start teaching English.
[edit] Finances
- Foster: What makes you think that by all the Universe’s fatal forces will allow you, humans, to command the most mythical mythological ship in the history of the sea?
- Davy Jones: He gave me money, mate.
- Foster: I see.
[edit] French
- (after Blackadder kills the Scarlett Pimpinell)
- Baldrick: Yaay, it's the Scarlett Pimpinell!
- Blackadder: So he is.
- Baldrick: And you killed him!
- Blackadder: So I did.
[edit] Gastronomy
- Giselle: This tastes like old weasel.
- John: I know that. It’s good, isn’t it?
- Giselle: (after the boys try her potion) How do you feel?
- John: Disgusted.
- Giselle: And?...
- John: And disgusted.
- Giselle: What about you?
- Foster: I’m just disgusted.
[edit] God Quotes
*The quotes of this said 'God' are in fact of the Yoruba creator deity Olorun, who will destroy you painfully if you dare mock them*
- People think I'm against masturbation. That's ridiculous! I masturbate myself! What the hell do you think snow is?
- Wait... Adam and Eve were the only two humans... so that means that to create the human race their children must have... like, with each other or with their parents... I.... EWWWWWW! Inbreeding! Well, no wonder.
- Dude, I'm hungry! Why can't you be like the Aztecs?!
- Excuse me, Jesus who?
- No, my children, you cannot have cheezburger.
[edit] Hell
The Devil's a white guy on a suit. And his servants are 666 hobgoblins doing the Macarena.
That's in the Bible.
[edit] Honesty
- Statler: I think honesty is always the best policy.
- Waldorf: You believe that?
- Statler: No, I was lying.
Stick man from the right: Dude, I'm not having sex with you.
- (the doorbell rings)
- Judy: Can somebody get that?
- Brian: Busy!
- Tina: Busy!
- Bill: Lazy!
[edit] Individualism
I second that individualism!
You are unique; just like everybody else.
[edit] Infinity
Albert Einstein: There are only two infinite things: the Universe and human stupidity.
[edit] Inquisition
Barbossa: What are you doing?
[edit] Inquisition of inquisition
Jack Sparrow: What are you doing?
[edit] Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition
Barbossa: No, what are you doing?!
[edit] Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition
Jack Sparrow: What are YOU doing?!
[edit] Inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition of inquisition
Barbossa: No, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?
[edit] Invisibility
The greatest proof that there is invisible intelligent creatures out there is that they continue to remain invisible.
[edit] Italy
Vai a fare in culo, stronzo.
[edit] Judeophobia
- Borat: Is this dog trained?
- Dog Pound Owner: I don't think so.
- Borat: Can I see if she is trained?
- Dog Pound Owner: Go ahead.
- Borat: Ok, you stand there please, put your fingers on head and say "Shalom".
- Dog Pound Owner: Shalom.
- Borat puts the dog on the floor
- Borat: (to dog) Attack! Attack the Jew!
- The dog does nothing
- Borat: No, it is not trained.
(Note: This user is not in any way antisemitic. This user simply likes this quote.)
[edit] Kunami
No. With all due respect, your wife is a whore, mate.
[edit] Love
So, where are those tits?
Lol, 69.
- Foster: How many boyfriends did you have?
- Kizzy: (shows him a bottle full of human eyes) This many.
[edit] Botany
- Roses are red,
- Violets are blue,
- Sugar is sweet
- And so are you...
- ...But the roses are wilting,
- The violets are dead,
- The sugarbowl's empty
- And so is your head
- Roses are red
- Violets are blue
- WHO CARES? I'M BORED!
- Something something canoe
- Roses are red
- Violets are blue
- In Soviet Russia
- Poem writes you
- Roses are Red
- Violets are Blue
- I like to play Zork
- But I get eaten by a Grue
- Roses are red
- Violets are blue
- I cannot rhyme
- And bananas are yellow
- Roses are red
- Violets are blue
- In Soviet Russia,
- Google finds YOU!!
- Lemons are yellow
- Violets are blue
- I'm a dirty fellow
- And so are you.
[edit] Madness
THIS IS SPARTA!
- John: What is this?
- Foster: This would be Sparta.
- Beckett: You're mad.
- Sparrow: Well, thank goodness for that, because if I wasn't, this would probably never work!
Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpetting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying "this is a large crisis". A large crisis requires a large plan. Now get me two pencils and a pair of underpants. (http://finchley.deviantart.com/art/Blackadder-Tribute-53086771)
[edit] Marriage
I now condemn you husband and wife. Please kiss.
By the power invested in me by His Noodly Appendage, I marry you to a cabbage.
When I buy my wife, at first she cook good, her vagine worked well, she strong on plow, but 3 years later when she was 15, she receive hair on her chest, her voice become deep, "Borat, Borat", and her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard.
[edit] Mortality
The Sun is born, and it doesn't last more then a day.
Morgan Monkeypen: You know, the great part of being a mortal is that every one of our problems have a quick solution.
[edit] Natural Life
You know a great color? The color of the running donkey.
[edit] Obituary
- Foster: They're trying to get human babies and trade them as wizards and enchanters so they can help us.
- Midas: Is it working?
- Foster: Not really... some of them can't let go their human instincts. Many of them have quite horrible fates, actually.
- Midas: Like what?
- Foster: (takes off a list and starts to go through it) Among the many fates, the most popular of the 2006 voting were:
- Eaten by a sphinx
- turned into a cat
- crushed by a 16-tons weight
- turned into a pebble
- burnt by a dragon
- turned into stone by a Gorgon
- turned into stone by a basilisk
- eaten by a basilisk
- raped by a basilisk
- eaten by a manticore
- eaten by a troll
- raped by giant koala bears
- killed by a Mayan god
- buried alive
- kidnapped by mermaids
- impriosoned in a tree
- turned into a tree
- eaten by a flying ferret
- eaten by Cthulhu
- ate an Avalon's apple
- turned into an eyeball
- married to a sphynx
- attacked by a Siamese bat
- eaten by Lilith
- burnt to death by Raiden
- crushed by a giant
- killed by a lemur
- eaten by a saber-toothed tiger
- turned into a dodo
- imprisoned by the elves
- killed by hearing a banshee
- agressed by goblins
- raped by a shapeshifter
- victim of car crash
- annoyed the flower faeries
- killed by a camel watcher
- crushed by a giant foot
- turned into a tea-kettle
- fucked by Cthulhu
- heard Monty Python's Deadly Joke.
- laughed his/her ass off
- offended the gods
- offended by the gods
- killed by a stick figure
- raped by a stick figure
- married a giant koala bear
- swallowed microscopic octupus eggs then gave birth to an octupus
- raped by a Kraken (lol tentacle rape)
- joined the Scouts.
[edit] Pacifism
Bender: I'm a pacifist. You know, a coward.
- Midas: Screw them Christians. Screw them ninjas too. Actually, get everyone who's not a pacifist and dump them in a hole with lions, so i can watch them fight each other.
- Gaston: (pause) ... dude.
[edit] Piratage
- Drama teacher: Okay, everyone who is part of the ship come up!
- This guy and Bootstrap: PART OF THE CREW!
[edit] Politics
Ghillie-Dhu: ALL HEIL THE GHILLIE-DHU!
[edit] Portugal
- At the tune of Borat's "In My Country There is Problem"
- In my country there is problem,
- And that problem is hospitals.
- There are very very few
- And our Portugal is big.
- Throw Socrates down the well (repeat line)
- So my country can be free (repeat line)
- We must make healing easy (repeat line)
- Then we'll have a big party (repeat line)
- In my country there is problem
- And that problem is the christian
- They take all money to church
- And they never give it back
- Throw the christians down the well (repeat line)
- So my country can be free (repeat line)
- For those who actually have brains (repeat line)
- Then we have a big party (repeat line)
- If you see the christian coming
- You must throw stones to his bordalo
- You must grab him by his khram
- And I tell you what to do
- Throw the christians down the well (repeat line)
- So my country can be free (repeat line)
- For those who actually have brains (repeat line)
- Then we have a big party (repeat line)
[edit] Questões Filosóficas (Portuguese, grab a dictionary)
- Quantos anjos conseguem dançar na ponta de um alfinete?
- Oh, Valéria, quem és tu? Será que tens bigode?
- Será que uma pessoa pode ter mais que um bordalo?
- O que se ´passará no segundo e terceiro volumes da triologia do "Para Além das Crónicas de Spiderwick"?
[edit] Racism
- Mr. Wong: Remember, black people run very fast. But problem run faster.
- Norbit: ...That's kinda racist.
- Mr. Wong: Yes, Wong very racist. Don't like black. Don't like Jew either. But black and Jew love Chinese food. Go figure.
[edit] Religion
The gods are about to get pissed.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
George Carlin: I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Søren Kierkegaard: Christianity demands the crucifixion of the intellect.
- Child: Are the gods not just?
- Master: Oh no, child. What would become of us if they were?
(C.S. Lewis)
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Jacob knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, “There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Damn it's cold in here. Bring me a Bible, would ya?
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
[edit] Safe Sex
- Foster: So... wait, if you wear those things when you’re fornicating, you don’t have babies?
- Giselle: Yeah, pretty much.
- John: Dude, we’ve been doing it wrong for years.
When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: do not have sex with the authorities. (Matt Groening)
[edit] Shit
It's better to have shit coming out of your mouth then entering it!
[edit] Shiver Me Timbers
- Shiver my timbers, shiver my soul
- Yo oh heave ho
- There are men whose hearts are as black as coal
- Yo oh heave ho
- And they sailed their ship cross the ocean's blue
- A blood-thirsty captain and a cut-throat crew
- It's as dark a tale as was ever told
- Of the lust for treasure and the love of gold
- Shiver my timbers, shiver my sides
- Yo oh heave ho
- There are hungers as strong as the wind and tides
- Yo oh heave ho
- And those buccaneers drowned their sins in rum
- The devil himself would have to call them scum
- Every man aboard would have killed his mate
- For a bag of guineas or a piece of eight
- A piece of eight
- A piece of eight
- Five, six, seven, eight
- Hulla wacka hulla wacka something not right
- Many wicked icky things gonna happen tonight
- Hulla wacka hulla wacka sailor man beware
- When the money in the ground there's murder in the air
- Murder in the air
- One more time now
- Shiver my timbers, shiver my bones
- Yo oh heave ho
- There are secrets that sleep with old Davy Jones
- Yo oh heave ho
- When the mainsail's set and the anchor's weighed
- There's no turning back from any quest that's laid
- And when greed and villainy sail the sea
- You can bet your boots there'll be treachery
- Shiver my timbers, shiver my sails
- Dead men tell no tales
[edit] Spanish Inquisition
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPA-- Oh, bugger.
[edit] Technology
- Foster: (after Giselle explains him how an MP3 works) So, people put that in their ears?
- Giselle: Yeah.
- Foster: Then how do they hear?
- Giselle: They don’t.
- Foster: Oh. That’s intelligent.
- John: Why don’t they have one of those for their eyes too?
- Giselle: They do. It’s called TV.
[edit] What in...
What in the infernal name of Iblis's shaggiest Y-fronts is that?
What in the name of Merlin's left nut was that?
What in the name of the Prophet's wrinkled nutbag is that?
What in the name of the same gods that taught the Antlanters how not to swim is that?
What in Anne Bonny's voluptuous uncovered breasts is that?
What in the name of Hermes the creator of Caturday is that?
What in Adamastor's wrinkled lower storm clouds is that, bicho imundo?
[edit] When Life Gives You Lemons
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a paper cut.
When life gives you lemons, save the receipt.
When life gives you lemons, say thank you, you ungrateful bastards.
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and watch the world try to figure how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, check the rating and READ ON!
Who the hell posted this in here? I´m calling the authorities.
