Drake & Josh

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Drake & Josh, is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider. It stars Drake Bell and Josh Peck. The series debuted in 2004 and ended in 2007.

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4
Pilot The Bet The Drake and Josh Inn Josh Runs Into Oprah
Dune Buggy Guitar Peruvian Puff Pepper Vicious Tiberius
Believe Me, Brother Movie Job We're Married The Wedding
Two Idiots And A Baby Football Mindy's Back Mindy Loves Josh
First Crush Pool Shark The Affair Who's Got Game
Grammy Smart Girl Playing the Field I Love Sushi
Little Diva Helen's Surgery The Storm
Blues Brothers Paging Dr. Drake My Dinner with Bobo
Driver's License Foam Finger Tree House
#1 Fan Theatre Thug Josh is Done
Mean Teacher The Demonator Eric Punches Drake
The Gary Grill Alien Invasion Megan's Revenge
Drew and Jerry Megan's New Teacher Steered Straight
Honor Council Megan's First Kiss
The Battle of the Panther


Josh: You're the best, you know that?
Drake: Well...yes.

Josh: [talking about a bird] They're one of the most intelligent--
[Bird runs into helicopter]
Pilot of Helicopter: Yeah, that bird was real intelligent.

Josh: [waiting for surgery] Oh, they're going to carve me up like a Christmas ham!

Walter: [talking to Josh] I just don't understand why you don't like hospitals?
[Doctor goes by with patient on gurney]
Doctor: We're losing him, we're losing him!!!
Nurse: What's wrong with him???
Doctor: I DON'T KNOW???
Josh: See ya!! (rolls away in wheelchair)

Megan: [referring to Josh] Such a small brain in such a big head.

Drake: You hear that? It's saying, [holds 2 $100 bills like a hand puppet] "Spend me, Josh. Won't you spend me?"
Josh: [steals it from him] Money's not a puppet!

Drake: Hey Josh, come here.
Josh: [walks over] Yeah?
Drake: Check out this family picture.
Josh: What about it?
Drake: I look good.

Botanist: I've got a big date tonight.
Megan: Dinner with your moma?
Botanist: ...Yes.

Helen: Drake Parker, I love you like the son I never wanted.

Josh: I needed to ask Drake about our homework.
Drake: I don't do homework.

Sammy: You can help me with my homework.
Drake: Yeah, I don't even do my own homework!

[Drake and Josh find monitors in Megan's room]
Drake: I wonder what this button does. [presses a button; Josh gets shocked by a buzzer hidden in his trousers]
Josh: So THAT'S why that's been happening! I thought it was puberty.

Megan: See? It's fun to use your brain.

Josh: Have you ever been in Megan's room before?
Drake: Once, when she was five.
Josh: And?
Drake: She pushed me out the window and told Mom I fell.

Josh: [takes the phone from Megan and shoves it down his pants] Now, you may have the phone back after we're done talking to you.
Megan: I wouldn't want that phone back if I were dying on the kitchen floor.

Helen: Josh! Why aren't you working?!
Josh: It's my day off.
Helen: Oh, and so you think that's an excuse not to be working?!
Drake: Hi, Helen.
Helen: WHAT IS IT?!

Josh: You know I have a spastic tongue.
Drake: How many spastic parts can one person have?
Josh: Seven.

Josh: Look, we had $200, alright? ...Which you promptly threw away on bubblegum, a wristwatch, a telescope, and a Mexican robot!
Drake: Aw, come on, man, this is cool! [presses a button]
Robot: Me llamo Roberto Roboto.
Josh: Okay, that is pretty cool.
Robot: Gracias.

Drake: Josh, I'm in serious trouble!
Josh: Whose girlfriend did you hit on now?

Drake: You're kind of a girl, right?
Mindy: Well, if not I've been buying the wrong underwear.

Josh: I'm not much of an actor.
Jeff: Neither is Jennifer Lopez.
Josh: True that.

Drake: What's acting? You show up, you say some stuff, you go home.

[Drake and Josh are frantically searching for Megan, thinking she's up to something]
Drake: See her anywhere?
Josh: No, but that's when she's most dangerous!

Helen: [to Josh] You have upset me in ways I can't even understand, boy!!

Mindy: You can't end a relationship with a phone call.
Drake: Duh, I'm gonna text message her.

Mindy:(Referring to Tori) You got jealous when you saw her with other guys, so to make her jealous, you...
Drake: Put a stinkbomb in her backpack!!!
Mindy: Do I have to spell this out for you?
Drake: Would you?
Drake: Right. Then, where do I put the bomb?
Mindy: I'll tell you where to put it!
Josh: Mindy!

Megan: I'm studding astronomy.
Drake: Ah. The study of stars and planets.
Josh: [sarcastically] Yes. It's exciting to know things!

Drake: I wonder what ketchup would taste like on a foot.

Drake: [carrying a skeleton] Where do you want the dead dude?

Megan: [about Drake and Josh] I am going to do SUCH illegal things to them!

Josh: [seeing Drake kissing a girl] Drake?
Drake: Yeah?
Josh: You just met her and you're already kissing?
Drake: I gave her a soda.

Megan: So when are the lobsters gonna be done?
Drake: Yeah, I'm starving.
Josh: I do not control the speed at which lobsters die!

Megan: Listen to me. If either of you get on one of my nerves this weekend, you'll both wake up tomorrow very confused...in Cuba.

Megan: Wanna help me with something?
Drake: I can't, I'm doing my homework.
Megan: You're watching Big Bang Theory.
Drake: Oh, well that explains why I'm failing math, doesn't it?

Josh: [referring to Drake] He pees...near the toilet!

Josh: [on Helicopter] What kind of help are you going to bring back- a dive team to locate my corpse?

Josh: [to Drake]Why are you wearing that parachute?
Drake:To re-tard my fall!

Josh: Okay, I'll call Mom and Dad.
Drake: No!
Josh: Why not?!
Drake: 'Cause if they know I'm up in the helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded!
Josh: Okay, if we don't get help, we are gonna become PART of the ground!

Drake: I'm not going to risk getting grounded again. Do you know what it's like going two weeks without girls?
Josh: [shakily] ...Yes...Yes I do.
Drake: ...Oh, that's right. Sorry. But I'm not used to it.

[Megan asks Drake to help with aiming a paintball gun disguised as a radio that she supposedly was going to use on Josh. Drake stands right where Megan asks him to, but gets a whole clip of paintballs to the chest. Josh walks in.]
Josh: What just happened?
Drake: You said you were gonna get Josh!
Josh: Heh?

Drake & Josh Go Hollywood[edit]

Josh: Can I ask your opinion on something serious?
Megan: Is this about your rash?
Josh: No!

Audrey: [on why she won't go on a cruise] Boats sink.
Walter: It's not a boat, it's a ship. And ships don't sink.
Audrey: Tiiiiiiiiiiitanic.
Walter: That was just a movie.
Audrey: Based on a true story!
Walter: ...For real?

Josh: Where have you been?
Drake: I told you, I went to go get a corn dog.
Josh: It took you over an hour just to get one corn dog?!
Drake: I also had a drink.

Megan: Do you ever clean this car? It's full of trash.
Drake: Hey, everything in this car is very important to me!
Megan: [holding up a dead bird] Like this dead bird?
Drake: Aw, Tweeter died!

[after airport security had detained Drake and Josh]
Head of Security: I hope you boys learned a very important lesson on how seriously we take airport security.
Drake: Oh, we learned... Especially during that strip search.
Josh: ...Which was shockingly thorough.
Head of Security: We do our best. Have a nice day. [to Josh] And good luck with that rash.
Josh: [angrily] Yeah, thanks.

Megan: Excuse me? I think the pilot made a mistake. This plane is going to Denver, right?
Attendant: No, we're in route to Los Angeles.
Megan: Los Angeles?
Attendant: Yes.
Megan: ...Not Denver?
Attendant: No.
Megan: ...Those dumb boobs.
[The flight attendant looks down her shirt in confusion]

Drake: Okay, let's go and get Megan!
Josh: Okay, but first...
Drake: What?
Josh: I gotta pee really bad.
Drake: Well, can't you hold it?
Josh: Yeah, I... [strained] No!

Josh: I can't believe that we're in Los Angeles driving a stolen car!
Drake: It's not stolen.
Josh: STOLEN!!!!
Drake: We borrowed it. Which is a perfectly reitable choice when you're trying to avoid being attacked by two maniacs.

Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh[edit]

Judge: But! I have a but (butt)!
Drake: [chuckles] He said he had a butt.
Josh: Shut up.

Steve: The cow goes moo! I was trapped in a refrigerator! I take special vitamins!

Little Boy: When is Santa going to be here?
Steve: Well, I don't know, but I'll bet you old Saint Nick's going to be here real soon.
Woman: Excuse me, I distinctly ordered a diet root beer, and this tastes like sh-

Drake: Yeah, positively.

(last scene of the series)
Drake: So?
Josh: So?
Drake: Yes or no? Is this the best Christmas you ever had?
Josh: It will be, after THIS! (throws snow at Drake)
Drake: I'm gonna get you, Nichols!
Josh: Bring it, Parker! (the two chase each other around)
Drake: santas not looking for a relationship right now
Fat girl: I want what that other girl was getting


External links[edit]

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