Drake & Josh/Season 3

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

The Drake & Josh Inn[edit]

[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling]
Megan: What?
Drake: [singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
Josh: [singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
Drake: [singing] Ha ha!
Josh: [singing] Ha-ha ha haa!
Megan: Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
Drake: We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.
Josh: Which means we are in charge of the house.
Drake: The refrigerator.
Josh: The TV set.
Drake: And, the you.
Megan: Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
Josh: Yeah, we are.
Drake: In fact, I've decided to change the channel. [changes the channel on TV]
Megan: I was watching something.
Josh: Um. We're.
Drake: Yeah, good one. [he and Josh fist pump]
Megan: [stands up] GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
Drake: [stands up] I don't think so Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- [Megan flips him]
Josh: [stands up] What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- [Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]

[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
Nikki: Hey, what's going on?
College Guy: The tools back up.
Drake: Everyone quiet please!
Josh: Okay we have an emergency!
Drake: Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
College Guy: Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
Josh: No! Alright there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
Drake: Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
Josh: So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
Helen: I don't believe 'em!
Nikki: Yeah! Come on let's party!
[everyone starts dancing again]
Drake: [to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
Megan: [in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers]
Josh: Oh no! Look! [points to the vent]
Drake: It's the monoxipuff gas!
[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them with the monoxipuff gas]
Josh: Now, lock it! Now hug me brother! [he and Drake hug themselves after everyone leaves the house]

Peruvian Puff Pepper[edit]

[Drake and Josh are at Megan's room]
Drake: Man, there's nothing in here. It just looks like a normal girl's room.
Josh: [hears electrical blurb] Oh, you think? [takes unicorn poster off wall to find a spy monitor behind it] Holy cheese! Look at all that equipment!
Drake: So this is how she always knows what we're doing! What do you think this button does? [presses button and it shocks Josh's butt]
Josh: So that's why that's been happening! [pause] I thought it was puberty.

[Drake and Josh are both disqualified when they reveal their secret, as Peruvian Puff Peppers are illegal in the United States, leaving Megan as the winner]
Megan: What you think I purposely got the Peruvian Puff Peppers knowing you'd steal them from me and use them in your own salsa? Just so I could point it out to the judges get you disqualified? And then walk away with the yatsubishi plasma screen TV for myself? Come on. I'm not that smart. [walks away while Drake and Josh look very disappointed]

We're Married[edit]

[Opening comments: Josh emailed his e-pal from a foreign country while Drake got so thirsty and pranked called Josh]
Josh: [looks up from a book] Have you ever been really good friends with someone you never even met before?
Drake: [looks up from a magazine] Have you ever been really thirsty, just didn't feel like getting up?
Josh: See, for over a year now, I've been e-mailing this girl from a foreign country. [telephone starts ringing] One sec. [picks up phone] Hello?
Drake: [on the phone in a bad accent] Yeah, this is Lieutenant Peterson with the San Diego Police Department.
Josh: [skeptical and aware that's actually Drake] Oh is it?
Drake: [still using the bad accent] Yeah, you're gonna need to get a can of soda upstairs to your brother, at code three.
Josh: [getting annoyed with Drake] Code this! [blows whistle into the phone receiver loudly as he and Drake hangs the phone up] Anyway, back to my e-pal, Yooka. It's kinda weird to be friends with someone you've never met or even talked to on the phone, but I— [telephone rings again and gets angry revealing that it's Walter on the phone thinking it's Drake] If you call me one more time, I will take an entire bottle of maple syrup and pour all over your underwear drawer, so for the next 90 days you could walk around with sticky butt!
Walter: [confused] Josh, it's your father.
Josh: Nice try, you big doof! [hangs up the phone] Man! If he's so thirsty, why can't he come downstairs, go in the kitchen and get himself— [looks and sees Drake sitting on the couch and realizes his mistake] Oh, jeez.

Crazy Steve: [to Josh] Well, that's going to be a little problem. See, when you asked me to find that movie for you, I spent five hours on the phone tracking it down, talking Helen into letting me screen it for you, so now that I've done all that, [screams] SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE WATCHING ICK GLOKMAH TONIGHT OR SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR BEFORE THEIR 17TH BIRTHDAY, JOSH NICHOLS!!!
Josh: [to Drake and Yooka] So, I'm gonna see Ick Glokmah.

Mindy's Back[edit]

Mindy: Oh, Josh. Don't you ever learn that I can outsmart you at anytime I want?
Josh: Oh yeah?
Mindy: Yeah. Say fort.
Josh: Fort.
Mindy: Say fort three times.
Josh: Fort, fort, fort.
Mindy: Spell it twice.
Josh: F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.
Mindy: Say it two more times.
Josh: Fort, fort.
Mindy: Now, what do you eat soup with?
Josh: With a fork! Ha!
Mindy: Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.
Drake: Yeah, cause if you eat soup with a fork, all the liquid would just fall down from the-
Josh: [screaming] I KNOW!

Drake: Hey! Get your hands off my sister's shoulder. I don't want her clothes infested with Mindy germs.
Mindy: Wow, Drake. I'm just impressed you knew the word "infested" and used it properly in a sentence.
Drake: Let's go, Megan. To burn your shirt.

The Affair[edit]

[Drake and Josh run out of the kitchen while Walter is choking from cumin from his waffle]
Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffle!
Josh: I said cinnamon. CINNAMON!
Drake: What's the difference?
Josh: Everything! Cinnamon is sweet and delicious, cumin is a Mexican spice. You were flavoring a waffle, not a CHIMICHANGA!
Drake: Oh, so I made a little mistake.
Josh: A HUGE mistake. All right, Dad's allergic to cumin and he's probably dying right now. [pause] DAD!!!

Walter: You think I was dating that woman?
Drake: Yeah.
Walter: Boys, that "skunk bag" just so happens to be the senior producer of Good Morning Today and she was talking to me about being the weatherman...on the number one [angrily] NATIONAL MORNING SHOW IN AMERICA!
Josh: Well, that's different.
Drake: Yeah.
Josh: We're gotta go. Bye. [he and Drake leave but Walter stops them]
Walter: No, you're not. You're gonna do something else.
Josh: Right.
Drake: No problem.
Josh: Now?
[as retribution for messing up the lunch and costing him the job, Walter makes Drake and Josh dump food on themselves]

Playing the Field[edit]

Drake: Tori.
Josh: [in a very girly voice] What is it, Drake?
Drake: Okay, I can't going do this if he's gonna talk like that.
Josh: I'm being a girl.
Drake: What girl has a mustache other than your grandmother?
Josh: [angrily] THAT TEARS IT!

Josh: There are more important things in life than kissing girls.
Drake: Name two.
Josh: I can't!

Helen's Surgery[edit]

Drake: Not just any candy. These are Super Power Mega Sours. The hottest and the sourest candy in the galaxy. [takes out one] And there it is.
Josh: Pretty big day for you isn't it?
Drake: The biggest! [puts the candy in his mouth]
Josh: So how is it?
Drake: It's pretty sour and it's pretty hot, I just expected it to be more. [makes sour face] OH MY GOD! OH it hurts! Oh my tongue! [runs in circles around kitchen]
Josh: So spit it out!
Drake: No! I wuv it!

Drake: [while wandering around the room] Man, Helen, you got a groove machine? And a hot tub? Man, this place cost you like, a billion dollars.
Josh: Yeah, how do you afford all this?
Helen: Is that some of your business?
Drake: How do you afford it?
Helen: Well, I'll tell you, Drake. I still get money from Happy Times.
Josh: Happy Times, wasn't that like a TV show back in the 70s?
Helen: That's the one.
Drake: Whoa, you played the little sister on Happy Times?
Helen: Yes, I was little Georgia.
Drake: Awesome.
Josh: So cool.
Helen: Well you know, I don't like to brag about it you know. You want to watch the episode? The tapes on top of the VCR and Josh you help me take self again.
Josh: Alright.
[Drake turns on the TV while Josh and Helen sit on the sofa]
Helen: Just put it on auxiliary one and press play.
Josh: Auxiliary one and play.

Paging Dr. Drake[edit]

[Walter, Audrey, Megan, and Josh yells at Josh's badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake]
Drake: Looks like mom's meatloaf! Which tastes SO good!
Audrey: How this happened?
Drake: He dropped a barbell on it.
Josh: Yeah, after you shot me with a potato!
Audrey: A potato?
Drake: It's a long story.
Walter: Why didn't you tell us about this?
Josh: 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, all right?
Walter: Oh, come on!
Audrey: Do you know how serious this could be?
Walter: [after discovering Josh's foot] YOU COULD LOSE THAT FOOT!
Josh: [whining] But I love this foot!
Audrey: Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
Megan: If they have to remove this foot, can I have it?
Walter and Audrey: NO!

Walter: Pardon me, nurse.
Nurse: Yes?
Walter: Could you tell me what time my son's surgery is suppose to start? His name is Josh Nichols.
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry. He passed away.
Walter: What?
Nurse: Oh, wait. Josh Nichols. His surgery doesn't start for a couple hours.
Walter: Thanks.
Nurse: Sure. [she walks away]

Foam Finger[edit]

[in Josh's recollection]
Little Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
Little Drake: Um, could you not talk to me?
Little Josh: Ha-ha! You're funny. Wanna be friends?
Little Drake: If I say yes, will you stop talking to me?
Little Josh: Um, pardon me, but I think you're next in line.
Little Drake: Yeah, I know. Hey girls? Why don't you cut in you can all buy foam fingers.
[A group of little girls whoop while cutting and get in line to buy all the foam fingers]
Little Josh: Hey, no cutsies! Um, I was in line! [the little girls leave after buying almost all of the foam fingers] Ladies!
Little Drake: Got any foam fingers left?
Lenny: Just one.
Little Drake: Good. I'll buy it. So he can't have it!
Little Josh: Heh!?
Lenny: Here you go, the last foam finger.
Little Drake: Ha-ha! I got the last foam finger!
Little Josh: Daddy! [little Drake hits him] You thumped me!
Little Drake: Did not.
Little Josh: Daddy!
[Little Drake tackles Little Josh, causing a fight for the last foam finger]
Lenny: Cops! Cops!
[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Josh's recollection ends]
Josh: And then the cops had to come break it up!

[in Lenny's recollection]
Little Josh: Hey.
Little Drake: Hey.
Little Josh: I'm Josh.
Little Drake: Drake.
Little Josh: I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
Little Drake: Me too.
Little Josh: Cool.
Lenny: Next in line.
Little Josh: Hey, you're up.
[two little girls walk up behind the boys]
Little Girl: Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
Little Drake: Cool with you?
Little Josh: Sure.
Little Drake: Go ahead.
Little Josh: You know, my dad's a weatherman.
Little Drake: My mom loves weathermen.
Little Girl: Thanks. Bye. [She and the other little girl leave]
Little Drake: One foam finger, please.
Lenny: O... kay, it looks like you got the last one.
Little Josh: Aw, that's the last foam finger?
Little Drake: I'm really sorry.
Little Josh: Daddy! [little Megan throws the cookie at Josh's head] Aaah! You thumped me.
Little Drake: No, I didn't.
[they both start fighting again for the last foam finger]
Lenny: Cops! Cops!
[they continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends]
Josh: So... it was Megan who started the fight.
Lenny: That's right. She threw the cookie.
Megan: Wow. I was even cool then!

Girl Power[edit]

Drake: I was thinking how could I date a girl who's tougher than me? But Josh told me I was just being dumb.
Lucy: Yeah. So now you're cool with it?
Drake: Cool with what?
Lucy: Dating a girl that's tougher than you.
Drake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay you are not tougher than me, that football player just caught me off guard.
Lucy: [laughing] Okay, whatever you say.

Josh: [incredibly furious] You see what you do? One night. One night I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
Drake: Josh.
Josh: [incredibly furious] I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I spent like two days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
Drake: You spent $100 on ice? [Josh attacks him]

Sheep Thrills[edit]

Josh: Where did you get sheep named Bob?
Megan: His name isn't Bob, it's Baaab!
Drake: Did you heard that? His name isn't Bob, it's Baaaab. [Josh stares at him]
Josh: I have ears.

Dr. Glazer: Yes, well. I am not a vet, but if you want my diagnosis, I'd say that Baaab was pregnant. Was. Pregnant. Not anymore. That's $100.
Megan: Aww, look at the baby! Aww.
Drake: All right, we'll pay you 100 bucks, but can you do us a favor and-
Josh: Not mention this to our parents?
Dr. Glazer: Fine. 150. [Drake and Josh give him their money and heads out] Thank you.

Megan's New Teacher[edit]

Adam: [while having a college textbook on his desk] This is a college textbook!
Josh: I know
Megan: Yo, boob.
Josh: Excuse me, Megan, I'm your teacher!
Megan: Sorry, Mr. Boob. This stuff is way to hard for us.
[the kids mumble]
Josh: Sh! All right, look, I believe that kids are way more capable then your giving credit for.
Boy: Kevin's eating glue!
Josh: [takes the glue away from Kevin] Don't you know your not supposed to eat glue!?
[Kevin mumbles with his mouth full of glue]

Josh: [with German accent] All right, I am a very famous person. Who am I?
Katie: A hobo?
Josh: No. Hobos aren't famous. Now, here's the hint. I am a famous scientist.
Neil: Harry Potter.
Josh: No. Harry Potter is a wizard. Think. I am a German scientist.
Adam: A hobo!
Josh: [in his normal accent] Dude, I'm Albert Einstein! You should know this from your homework last night.
Megan: I told you, we weren't doing it.
Josh: Wait a minute. None of you did your homework?
Katie: I tried to, but I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my mom to help me.
Josh: And?
Katie: She couldn't figure it out, either. So, she asked my dad, and then he got mad and went to a motel.

Little Sibling[edit]

Mrs. Hayfer: Good morning, adulessons. Please take your seats. Taylor, take off your headphones or else I'll sell them on the internet. [looks at the empty seat] We have an empty seat, who's not here?
Becca: [runs up to Mrs. Hayfer] Mrs. Hayfer, the lunch ladies are fighting again.
Mrs. Hayfer: What is it about sloppy joe day that makes those women so violent? [as she leaves] Helga? Helga?!
Josh: So what are the lunch ladies fighting about?
Becca: Oh, they're not fighting.
Josh: Why'd you tell Mrs. Hayfer they were fighting?
Drake: [walks in] Thank you, Becca.
Josh: Of course.
Drake: And how could I ever repay you?
Becca: I think you can guess. [Drake and Becca kiss on the lips] Let me know if you need more help.
Drake: Let me know if you need more Drake. [Becca walks away] Oh, and Josh, you left your ointment at home.
Josh: Is nothing personal?
Mrs. Hayfer: Well, the lunch ladies were not fighting and I don't know why those girls called- [sees Drake sitting down] Drake Parker, were you here when I left?
Drake: Oh, oh, yeah, totally. You probably didn't see me because I got my face buried in this book.
Mrs. Hayfer: Are you lying to me Drake?
Drake: Would I lie to you?
Mrs. Hayfer: Let me think, yes. But I know someone who never lies. [walks over to Josh] Josh? Was Drake on time to my class today?
Josh: Um, you know, what is time? When you think about it because Einstein theorized that time actually-
Mrs. Hayfer: JOSH!
Josh: [whines] No, he was here on time.
Drake: JOSH!
Josh: [whines] Tell that girl to come in here and Drake you have to leave or you have to sneak into class. I'm sorry, I can't lie. If you murder me in my seat tonight I appreciate you doing it in a way that's not painful. [whines] IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? [ends up getting a scary emotion]

Drake: [enters the Premiere and walks up to Sammy] Sammy, what are you doing? I'm thirsty here. Oh, and guess who just walked in. Two 9's and a 10.
Sammy: Who cares about girls?
Drake: [Gasps] Sammy, don't ever say that. [grabs Sammy] Come on, we have a lot to do.
Sammy: No, unless they're here with Josh!
Drake: What?
Sammy: I want him to be my big sibling!
[Josh coughs as Mrs. Hayfer walks over]
Mrs. Hayfer: Very, very, interesting.
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing out in public?
Mrs. Hayfer: Apparently, watching you, fail miserably. Josh, would you take Sammy to the nurse for a moment?
Josh: There's no nurse here-
Mrs. Hayfer: TO THE NURSE!
Josh: Come on, Sammy! [he and Sammy run off]
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, I can explain.
Mrs. Hayfer: Drake, we had a deal. You stay out of remedial English as long as your Sammy's big sibling but if Sammy prefers Josh, well I think we know what will happen to you.
[Drake has a dream sequence of a class with lack of discipline that includes poorly behaved students, a vicious dog named Cuddles that's controlled by a mean kid, and 2 Gothic love starved Bartleby sisters trying to kiss him]
Drake: Okay, okay, just give me one day and I promise Sammy will love me.
Mrs. Hayfer: Make sure it happens. [walks away but stops for a little bit to talk to Drake] Oh, and Drake. Guess what?
Drake: What?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.

Theater Thug[edit]

Josh: Drake, what are you doing here?
Drake: You told me you'll need a ride.
Josh: Yeah, but at 6 pm. And now is like 4 pm.
Drake: So take the bus.
Josh: No, Drake. Please, wait here for me.
Drake: What am I gonna do during 2 hours in a movie theater?
Josh: [sarcastic] Uh, I don't know?
Drake: Hey, I could see a movie.
Josh: Genius!
Drake: I want to see The Eye of the Mummy. But with someone.
Josh: Drake, the movie starts at 4:10. You just have 2 minutes left. You really think you can find someone?
Drake: Watch me. [he is going to meet with Hazel] Hey, I'm Drake.
Hazel: Hi.
Drake: You wanna see a movie with me?
Hazel: Sure. [she and Drake head together to see the movie]
Drake: So, what's your name?
Hazel: Hazel.
Drake: Oh, like the nut.
Hazel: Yeah.

[Megan and Josh enters Drake and Josh's room]
Megan: I so don't want to do this!
Josh: Come on! Just work with me for ten minutes!
Drake: What are you guys doing?
Megan: He wants me to help him rehearse his lines for FBI's Most Wanted.
Drake: [to Josh] Dude, you are taking this acting thing way too seriously!
Josh: I just want to be good, alright?
Drake: It's acting, you show up, you say some stuff, you go home, anyone could do it.
Josh: Okay Megan, when I walk through the door, just react naturally to what I say. [he leaves the room] Megan, you ready?
Megan: Wait, let me go over my line. [looks at her script] What? Okay, I'm ready!
Josh: Drake, yell action!
Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?
Megan: What?
Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing! [Megan giggles] Oh come on! You can't giggle!
Megan: You said to react naturally. You tried to act tough so naturally I laughed.
Josh: Okay, don't react naturally, act the way you would if I was a big scary robber. [leaves the room] Drake!
Drake: [unenthusiastically, while playing some notes on his guitar] Action.
Josh: [walks through the door] Where's the money?
Megan: What?
Josh: Where's the money? You give me the money, I ain't playing!
Megan: There's a cop behind you.
Josh: [turns around] What cop? [Megan pushes him through the door and locks it] Megan! Open this door! Alright, fine! I'll just bust it down! [tries to get in, but he falls to the floor] Never mind...
[Drake and Megan laugh]

Drake: Come on.
Josh: I feel like an idiot.
Drake: You look fine.
Josh: [he walks out, wearing a hippie disguise] I look so stupid.
Drake: So, at least you're not gettin' beat up or arrested.
Josh: I guess. What it ease? People are staring at me.
Drake: So, just ignore 'em. at least it's working.
Man: Hey, it's the Theater Thug!
Josh: No, no, no!
Man: And he's wearing a hippie disguise!
Josh: No, no! See, my name is Antoine. How are you...
Old Lady: Don't let him get away!
Josh: [being crowded] I'm--no, I'm not the guy! hey, It's not me! I'm...
[whistles blows]
Josh: Wait, wait! [dragged by the police] I'm not the guy! You've got the--No! [sputtering] I'm not--I'm not the guy! No! tell him I'm not the guy! He went that way! He went--[dragged by the police again] I'm not the guy!

The Demonator[edit]

[Drake and Josh get ready to ride The Demonator as they leave the house]
Josh: Hi, parents.
Drake: Bye, parents.
Walter: [stops the boys from leaving] Woah, woah, woah, woah. Where do you boys think you're going?
Drake: Uh, to make history.
Josh: We're going to ride The Demonator.
Audrey: No, you promised that you'd stay here and watch Papa Nichols.
Drake: Ugh, fine. Here, come on, he can come with us. Come on, Josh, grab his feet.
Josh: Why do I always have to grab the feet?
[Drake lifts Papa Nichols' shoulders while Josh lifts his feet]
Walter: Guys, you can't take your great-grandfather to ride The Demonator.
Josh: Sure we can.
Drake: Yeah, you only have to be this tall. [he puts his hand about yay high]
Walter: The man just had surgery, and he's heavily medicated.
Drake: Oh, come on, he fought in World War II.
Josh: The Demonator is nothing for a man who's seen combat!
Audrey: Okay, listen to my words. You boys are going to stay here and take care of Papa Nichols, are we clear?
Josh: Yes.
Drake: Fine.

[Craig and Eric are at home watching Papa Nichols]
Craig: Drake said he'd be asleep all night.
Papa Nichols: [wakes up] Oh, where am I? What's happened?
Eric: He's disoriented.
Papa Nichols: What did you call me?
Eric: Oh. Uh, nothing, sir. I was just uhh...
Papa Nichols: What have you done with the rest of my unit?
Craig: What does he mean, his unit?
[Papa Nichols picks up his slipper]
Eric: I guess he thinks he's back in World War II.
Papa Nichols: [uses his slipper as a walkie-talkie] General Patton, sir. It's Sergeant Nichols. I've just been captured by two German nerds!
Eric: Oh. No, no, sir. We're not Germans.
Papa Nichols: That's just what a German would say!
Eric: No, no, no. You don't understand...
Papa Nichols: No, no. You will not capture me. [bonks Eric in the head] Ever!
Craig: Eric!
Papa Nichols: [mumbling] Get outta here! [Craig screams as Papa Nichols throws him over the couch] USA! USA! USA! [starts running off] USA! USA! USA! USA!
[after Papa Nichols leaves, Craig and Eric are sitting on the floor feeling themselves in pain]

Alien Invasion[edit]

[Drake turns on the radio while Josh is doing homework]
Josh: Hey! Hey!
Drake: Oh, hey. Want some sandwich?
Josh: No! I'm trying to do my homework. Could you turn that off?!
Drake: [takes out his guitar and starts singing in blues] Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky. [Josh brakes his pencil] And now he brakes things. Somebody could call to the pencil repayment.
Josh: Would you please stop that improvisation of blues tune? Don't you have homework to do?
Drake: My homework's already been taken care of. [gives his note to Josh]
Josh: [reading Drake fake doctor's note] Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to read, write, or bathe. Yours truly, the doctor.
Drake: Wrote it myself!
Josh: Shouldn't the doctor have a name?
Drake: Oh, yes. Here, gimme that. Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". Yeah?
Josh: Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!
Drake: Cool!

Josh: Hey, she out there?
Drake: Yep, she keeps looking up in the sky wondering where the aliens are.
Josh: Perfect, alright. Come here, now this is the ham radio.
Drake: Mmm, ham radio.
Josh: Now we just talk into this mic and we sound like aliens.
Drake: Oh cool gimme it. Bonjour Si' te plait. [Josh takes the mic]
Josh: We're supposed to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!
Drake: You know there's a way to correct people nicely.

Dr. Phyllis Show[edit]

[Megan comes in Drake and Josh's room while Drake and Josh are still arguing together]
Megan: Hey! Hey! HEY!
Josh: What?
Megan: It is 11:45 PM. And I am a little girl. Little girls are suppose to be asleep by 11:45 PM. Now, this is the third night in a row that you clowns kept me up in a fight. [Drake and Josh began fighting] HEY! Here! [gives Drake and Josh tickets]
Josh: What are these?
Megan: Tickets to the Dr. Phyllis Show. You guys are both going tomorrow after school. The topic is Bickering Brothers. Now, I don't want to go back to sleep and I don't want to hear another sound from this room. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]

[after all of Drake and Josh's flashbacks we're shown]
Dr. Phyllis: Unbelievable!
Drake and Josh: I know.
Dr. Phyllis: Bickering is one thing, but you two should be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to escalate to physical confutations.
Josh: No! I will not share the blame here. I am the victim of this relationship.
Drake: How are you the victim?
Josh: You always take advantage of me.
Drake: Ha!
Dr. Phyllis: Drake, come on honestly. Do you ever take advantage of Josh just a little bit?
Josh: Well, but not just me. He takes advantage of everyone.
Drake: Oh, name one time.
Josh: Okay, uhh. That girl Liza.
Drake: Hot Liza?
Josh: Yeah, you totally dated her just to get your old girlfriend back.
Drake: That's an exasperation!
Josh: Exaggeration, read a book would ya!
Drake: No!
Dr. Phyllis: Josh, tell me a little bit more about Drake and this girl hot Liza.
Josh: I'm glad too. See, Drake could have just broken up with this girl Tori. But he wanted her back. So, he thought to make her jealous by making out with this hot girl Liza.
Dr. Phyliss: Drake, is this story true?
Drake: Yeah, but I totally learned my lesson. Let me tell ya, Liza Tupper, worst kisser ever!
Josh: I have heard that.
Dr. Phyllis: Liza Tupper?
Drake: Yeah, and she's not the smartest won-ton on the poo-poo platter either if you know what I'm saying!
Dr. Phyllis: You're saying she's dumb?
Drake: And a bad kisser!
Dr. Phyllis: [anger rising] Liza Tupper happens to be my daughter!
Drake: [gets up] Oh, this is awkward.
[Dr. Phyllis gets up and gets mad at Drake as she attacks him, then attacks Josh when he tries to stop her]

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