Drake & Josh/Season 2

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

The Bet[edit]

[Drake and Josh both got grounded by their mom for not picking up Megan from her friend's house during a heavy rainstorm]
Drake: You do realize this is your fault.
Josh: No, I do not realize that!
Drake: You couldn't stop playing your video games for ten minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?
Josh: Hey, number one, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!
Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh. You're addicted to video games.
Josh: I am not addicted to them! [smiling] I am in love with them!
Drake: How sad.
Josh: Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?
Drake: [throws bag of Cheese Balls and picks up video game controller] Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!
Josh: [stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth] Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls! [shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]
Drake: Which you're allergic to. [Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls, uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs] Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value.
Josh: Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have cat-like reflexes.
Drake: [throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head] Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes.
Josh: I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food!
Drake: Oh, really? You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me.
Josh: No, I smell [sniffs] you losing a bet!
Drake: Okay, hot pants is on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses.
Josh: Okay, what happens when you lose?!
Drake: When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink.
Josh: Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink.
Drake: Starting right now?
Josh: Yeah, we're starting right now! [they tried to start but they changed their mind] Or we could start in the morning.
Drake: Morning works.

Drake: [comes in his and Josh's room] Why is it dark in here? [he turns on the light and Josh pranks him when he decorated the room filled with junk food] Josh, what did you do?
Josh: What do you mean, Drake?
Drake: It's all candy and junk food.
Josh: [matter-of-factly] Yeah. I suppose it is!
Drake: [points to a pink pillow] Pillow?
Josh: Cotton candy.
Drake: But, Josh, how did you all this-
Josh: [raises a big candy cane in front of Drake] Shh. Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.

Guitar[edit]

Drake: [comes in his and Josh's room] Where's the guitar?
Megan: See ya. [walks out from Drake and Josh's room]
Drake: Josh?
Josh: I uh, I uh, I put it away.
Drake: Why?
Josh: You wanna leave it out and let it get all dusty and gross. Have you heard of mildew?
Drake: So where'd you put the guitar?
Josh: Uh, in the case. In the guitar case. Why you hassling me?
Drake: Who's hassling you? [he walks up to his guitar case and finds it locked by Josh] It's locked.
Josh: Yes, some people care about safety.
Drake: Just calm down and give me the key?
Josh: WHAT FOR?
Drake: FOR TO OPEN THE LOCK. Why are you acting all freakish?
Josh: Uh. Uh, dude, I lost the key bro. [snaps his finger]
Drake: YOU LOST the key?
Josh: Uh. Don't worry. All right. I'll get you a new one. I-I have a locksmith.
Drake: You have a locksmith?
Josh: Yes. I-I have a lot of locks that, you know, need smithing.
Drake: And you're sure you don't know where the original key is?
Josh: [mumbles] Uh, that key, yeah, that key's all gone.
Kid: [from outside] Look, mommy! A key on the sidewalk!
Josh: [yelling out the window] KEEP IT DOWN, WOULD YA?! THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPING IN HERE!! [closes the window and stares at Drake with his arms crossed]

[Josh slams the guitar case on Devin's hands]
Manager: Are you hurt?
Devin: Yes.
Manager: Is it your hand?
Devin: [annoyed] Yes!
Manager: [holds up the middle finger] How many fingers am I holding up?
Devin: I don't care!
Manager: Give me a doctor! Somebody give me a doctor!
Josh: [to a security guard, sarcastically, guilt-ridden] Would you mind taking me into the back alley and beating me until I lose consciousness?

Movie Job[edit]

Helen: [walks up to Josh] Hey, do you work for me?
Josh: No.
Helen: Where did you get that vest?
Josh: Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, uh so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit.
Helen: You made Crazy Steve quit?
Josh: You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?
Helen: Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so-
Josh: Crazy?
Helen: Mm-hmm. Let me, uh, ask you something. Do you have a job?
Josh: No.
Helen: Are you, uh, all right in the head?
Josh: I think so.
Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.
Josh: What?!
Helen: Get to work! [walks away]

[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]
Helen: [appears] Uh, Drake? [Drake walks up to Helen] Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?
Josh: Busted.
Drake: Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why.
Helen: Why?
Drake: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian.
Josh: What?!
Helen: It means they're from Norway!
Drake: Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system.
Helen: Of course.
Drake: So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9.
Helen: Yeah, I know. Metrics.
Drake: So I didn't want to start an international incident.
Helen: Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager?
Josh: Huh?
Drake: All right.
Helen: Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. [leaves]
Drake: Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. [walks up to Josh]
Josh: [yells] EVIL!

Football[edit]

[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from school]
Drake: What happened to you?
Josh: Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Drake: Alright, so you didn't make the team. Well, just find another way to make it cool.
Josh: Oh, I made the team.
Drake: You did?
Josh: Yeah! Check it out!
Drake: No way, that's so cool.
Josh: Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-quipment manager! [pause] E-quipment manager!

[Josh is in the locker room pumping up footballs as Drake walks by to him]
Drake: Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting his car, want to ride home or not?
Josh: In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up those footballs and-
Coach Davis: [angrily comes in] NICHOLS!
Josh: Yeah, coach Davis? What-ca need me to do?
Coach Davis: What did you do?
Josh: What? What you're talking about?
Coach Davis: Your brownies.
[a group of football players come in and get grossed out after Megan pranked them with flower dirt on Josh's brownies]
Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?
Drake: Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
Football Player: Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad!
Coach Davis: Witherspoon, you all right?
Josh: How many brownies did you eat?
Witherspoon: 17. [gags] Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again.
Coach Davis: Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!
Josh: Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!
Coach Davis: Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!
[the football players gasp in shock]
Josh: Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit!
Coach Davis: Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!
Drake: Josh will play center!
Josh: Josh who?!
Drake: Josh you! You'll be great and cool!
Josh: And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals! ANIMALS!
Coach Davis: Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!
Drake: Yes!
Josh: No! [Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet] Awww!

Pool Shark[edit]

[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]
Josh: I'm so excited.
Drake: I'm so annoyed.
Josh: My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.
Drake: My mom's trying to get me to hang out more. with Josh.
Josh: I'm really psyched about it.
Drake: Kill me.
Josh: Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together.
Drake: Please kill me.
Josh: And Drake just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do.
Drake: Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there.
Josh: Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. [shouting] Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together?
Drake: [in a high-pitched voice] Sorry! Drake moved to Australia.
Josh: That's not even an Australian accent.
Drake: [in a high-pitched voice] Yes, is it. Fromage!
Josh: That's French!

Drake: I think we should go easy on these guys.
Josh: How come?
Drake: It's Eric.
Josh: What's up?
Drake: His mom, is in the hospital.
Josh: Oh, God. What happened?
Drake: It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than the normal. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- [pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting] Yeah, very sad.
Josh: Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.
Drake: Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.

Smart Girl[edit]

[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]
Josh: Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise!
Drake: Are you ready? You know what to do, right?
Josh: Yeah. Cheat.
Drake: I told you, its not cheating.
Josh: Beg to differ.
Drake: Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.
Josh: No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.
Drake: Come on, Josh. Please?
Announcer: [from the other room] Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.
Drake: Well?
Josh: Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.
Drake: Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me your piece. [Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece] Thanks brother.
Josh: You better love me for this! [Drake kisses Josh on his cheek] Not that kind of love! [Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]

Drake: What are you doing?!
Josh: What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.
Drake: Well you're not doing a very good job.
Josh: Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!
Drake: Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?
Josh: Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!
Drake: Listen to me.
Josh: No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! [leaves the janitor's closet]
Drake: Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing!

Little Diva[edit]

Drake: Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Josh: Who's Ethan LaRoche?
Drake: I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
[later]
Josh: Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Drake: Who's that?
Josh: I don't know!

Woman: Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11-year-old president?
Drake and Josh: Ah, um.
[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]
Drake: Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
Reporters: Ow!
Man: My question is for the gentlemen who answered for her.
Drake: Yes?
Man: Why are you answering for her?
Josh: She has laringitis!
Drake: She lost her voice singing in-
Josh: -the asylum!
Drake: So, that's why the press conference is over!
[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]

Blues Brothers[edit]

Drake: [to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.
Josh: And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
Jackie: Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
Drake & Josh: WHO ARE YOU?!
Jackie: I love you. Bye! [runs away]
Josh: [to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.
Drake: Yeah...

Megan: I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me.
Josh: I'm not nervous at all.
Megan: Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the fourth grade, Josh, the twitch.
Josh: Who told you I twitched?
Megan: Dad.
Josh: Dad!

Drake: We gotta rehearse now
Theater Goer #1: Hey! Will you tell him that I’m doing the twitch right?
Theater Goer #2: That’s not how he did it. He did it like this
Josh: (Groans and crouches down under the counter)

Driver's License[edit]

[Drake woke Josh up in the middle of the night using his guitar]
Drake: Oh good, you're up. Here, let's go get some tacos, you drive.
Josh: What? [looks at the clock] It's 3 am. [rolls under his blanket]
Drake: Yeah, I like to call it the taco hour.
Josh: Go make some. We have taco stuff in the kitchen.
Drake: Yeah, but Chez Taco's only a few miles away. Come on, just give me a ride.
Josh: No, I will not drive into the night in some Mexican adventure.
Drake: Okay, I thought that a corn shell full of beef and cheese would be a small reward for, I don't know, helping you keep your driver's license.
Josh: Okay, that's it. Stop dropping guilt bombs on me. You did me a favor, and I appreciate it. But now you're trying to take advantage of me, and I won't have it, you hear me?
Drake: Oh, I hear you, and maybe dad's gonna hear me when I tell him that you ran a stop sign and got a pretty little ticket. What do you say to that?
Josh: I say [pauses] it's taco time! [he and Drake both leave the room]

[Josh got pulled over because of a tail light being out]
Police Officer: So, you have a tail light out.
Josh: Yes, stick a doom copper.
Police Officer: May I see your driver's license please?
Drake: Uh, yeah, about that.
Josh: Tell them Drake. Tell them you don't have a driver's license.
Denise Woods: You don't have your license?
Josh: No, he doesn't. That's way I had to drive you around all night.
Police Officer: Wait. So, you were driving this car?
Josh: Yeah. Why?
Police Officer: You have a tail light out. Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
Josh: No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.
Police Officer: What for?
Josh: Well, one for the faulty tail light. And one FOR THIS! [angrily attacks Drake]

#1 Fan[edit]

[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]
Josh: All right, Campfire Kids, huddle up.
Wendy: So what movie are we seeing?
Josh: We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about wilderness navigation.
[all the Campfire Kids groan]
Pete: You're the worst!
Josh: [sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Now, what would you do if someone dropped you off in the middle of nowhere?
Megan: I'd call Mom on my phone.
Josh: Say you didn't have your phone.
Megan: I always have my phone.
Josh: The battery's dead.
Megan: I always carry a-
Josh: It's broken! It fell in the lake, a bear ate it, the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map of the region.
Megan: So, I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cell phone?
Josh: That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
[the Campfire Kids cheer]

[Drake angrily arrives home from school]
Wendy: Hey, Drake!
Drake: DON'T TALK, JUST LISTEN!
Wendy: Baby, what's wrong?
Drake: YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOUR LITTLE FLYERS CAUSED ME? EVERYONE IN MY ENTIRE SCHOOL MADE FUN OF ME TODAY BECAUSE OF YOU!
Wendy: Those guys just don't understand our relationship.
Drake: WE DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP! YOU GOT IT? I'M NOT GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU, AND I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND! SO, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! [walks away]

Mean Teacher[edit]

Mrs. Hayfer: Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey were originally written in what language? Drake!
Drake: Uh, Greek.
Mrs. Hayfer: Wrong! Todd?
Todd: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: Correct!
[Drake looks at Josh after Mrs. Hayfer pranked him with the wrong answer]

[Drake is standing outside of Mrs. Hayfer and Kelly's house]
Drake: Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy. Circus?
Mrs. Hayfer: [answers the door] Who's out here?
Drake: Hey, is Kelly- [he gets pranked by Mrs. Hayfer when she comes out of her house] HOLY SNOT!
Mrs. Hayfer: What a charming sentiment.
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?
Mrs. Hayfer: Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch?
Drake: Isn't this Kelly's address?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wait. You're the boy who's been dating my daughter?
Drake: You're Kelly's mom?
Mrs. Hayfer: I'm going to be sick.
Drake: Oh, right there with you.
Kelly: [comes out] Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. [laughs]
Drake: Yeah, I was expecting my English teacher to be your mom.
Kelly: Are you one of my mom's students?
Mrs. Hayfer: If you use the term student loosely.
Drake: Well, I better get going. [he leaves but Kelly grabs him]
Kelly: Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?
Drake: Um.
Kelly: Why do you take me to play miniature golf?
Drake: Oh, you know I-
Kelly: Oh, I'll get my platter. [goes inside the house]
Drake: So, nice night, huh?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.

The Gary Grill[edit]

FBI Man: [comes in] Hey, excuse us. You don't mean to interrupt your money fight, but a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman grills.
Josh: Your friend is why?
Drake: So, how many do you want?
FBI Man: Well, tell you what, we'll take them all.
Drake: Wait, you want all of them?
FBI Man: That's right. [shows them the badge]
Josh: Sorry, we only accept cash.
FBI Man: These are badges. [show them the badge]
Drake: Dude, cash only.
FBI Man: I don't think you understand. Drake Parker and Josh Nichols?
Drake and Josh: Yes?
FBI Man: You're under arrest possession and sale of stolen property.
Drake: Stolen the grills?
FBI Man: That's right.
Josh: We we're just selling them for these two guys.
Drake: Yeah, we didn't know they were stolen.
FBI Man: Right. Sure, come with us please. [handcuffs Drake and Josh]
Josh: Drake!
Drake: Yeah?
Josh: I read about prison.
Drake: And?
Josh: IT AIN'T FUN!
[the FBI take Drake and Josh away from the Premiere]

[Drake and Josh are sent to jail]
Josh: Wait, wait, wait, you can't lock me in here. I'M ON THE HONOR ROLL! [the police lock the bars] Drake, do something!
Drake: Yeah, what do you want me to do?
Josh: Tell them we didn't steal those grills!
Drake: I did, they don't believe us!
Josh: Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! [other prisoners glare at him] Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and [grabs the bars] OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!! [Drake grabs him]
Drake: Don't freak out, right? We'll figure a way out of this but until then just be cool. Okay? These kids are tough.
Josh: Right.

Criminal #1: Hey! Give me your shoes
Gary Coleman: Back off man!
Criminal #1: Sorry!

Drew & Jerry[edit]

[Drake bought a dog to his and Josh's room to prank and wake up Josh]
Josh: Oprah? Oh, Oprah. [screams and wakes up after the dog licks his face] Who's dog is this?
Drake: I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.
Josh: So you let him lick my face?
Drake: Get dressed, we're late.
Josh: Late for what?
Drake: Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.
Josh: 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.
Drake: You're hanging out with Drew today?
Josh: He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.
Drake: So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?
Josh: But now, you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. [leaves]
Drake: Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. [the trash dog leaves] Hey, I have garbage! [picks up the trash can]

[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]
Megan: Alright, Drake. What's bugging you?
Drake: Nothing. [Megan leans back] Josh bummed me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.
Megan: Ooh, somebody's jealous.
Drake: I'm not jealous.
Megan: Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.
Drake: You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.
Megan: You should.
Drake: I will. [silence] So, 9 1/2?
Megan: I'm outta here. [she leaves the table]

Honor Council[edit]

Mrs. Hayfer: Alright, now we know that Romeo was not allowed to snuggle Juliet, not even on the weekends and... where'd that jacket come from?
Bud: It was in your trunk.
Josh: Hey, Drake, it's your jacket.
Drake: Yeah, it was stolen out of my locker a couple days ago.
Mrs. Hayfer: Or did you leave it in the trunk last night when you were parking my car in this classroom?
Drake: I told you, Mrs. Hayfer, I didn't do this.
Mrs. Hayfer: You are suspended, Drake Parker.
Drake: What?
Mrs. Hayfer: Suspended!
Drake: Come on, now you have...
Mrs. Hayfer: TO THE NURSE!

Drake: What's your grade point average?
Mindy: I have a 4.0.
Josh: So you're saying you have all A's?
Mindy: That's what I'm saying!
Drake and Josh: Reeeaally?
Josh: Cause we happen to have a copy of your transcript.
Drake: And your grades.
Josh: That's what transcript means!
Drake: Oh.

External links[edit]

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