Drake & Josh/Season 2

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.


The Bet[edit]

[Drake and Josh are in their room]
Drake: You do realize this is your fault.
Josh: No, I do not realize that!
Drake: You couldn't stop playing your video games for ten minutes to take her the stupid umbrella?
Josh: Hey, number one, that umbrella is not stupid. My uncle bought it for me at SeaWorld!
Drake: Oh, just face it, Josh: You're addicted to video games.
Josh: I am not addicted to them! [smiling] I am in love with them!
Drake: How sad.
Josh: Not as sad as being addicted to junk food, which ya are. Man, do ya know how bad that stuff is for you?
Drake: [throws bag of Cheese Balls, and picks up video game controller.] [mockingly] Ooh, look at me, I'm Josh! I play video games all day long! Girls? No, thank you, ma'am! I got me a video game!
Josh: [stuffs a fistful of Cheese Balls into his mouth.] [mockingly] Ooh, I'm Drake! Nutrition? Not for me! I'm just gonna eat me a big ol' bag of Cheese Balls! [shoves more Cheese Balls into his mouth]
Drake: [dryly] Which you're allergic to. [Josh frantically spits out the Cheese Balls and uses a Dustbuster on his tongue, and spits out the Cheese Ball crumbs.] Besides, food is a necessity. Video games have no value.
Josh: Video games teach hand-eye coordination, which is why I now have cat-like reflexes.
[Drake throws a baseball which hits Josh on his head.]
Drake: Yeah. Dead cat-like reflexes.
Josh: I wasn't ready! Besides, I can quit video games a lot easier than you can quit junk food!
Drake: Oh, really? You smell that, Josh? It smells like a bet to me.
Josh: No, I smell [sniffs] you losing a bet!
Drake: Okay, hot pants is on. You give up video games, I give up junk food. First one to cave loses.
Josh: Okay, what happens when you lose?!
Drake: When you lose, you have to, uh, dye your hair pink.
Josh: Okay, loser has to dye his hair pink.
Drake: Starting right now?
Josh: Yeah, we're starting right now! [They tried to start but they changed their mind thanks to Josh] Or we could start in the morning.
Drake: Morning works.

Drake: Why is it dark in here? [Drake turns on the light, later he is shocked that Josh decorated the room filled with junk food] Josh, what did you do?
Josh: What do you mean, Drake?
Drake: It's all candy and junk food.
Josh: [matter-of-factly] Yes. I suppose it is!
Drake: [points to a pink pillow] Pillow?
Josh: Cotton Candy.
Drake: But, Josh, how did you all this--?
Josh: [raises a big candy cane in front of Drake] Shh. Don't ask. [eats a piece of candy] Just enjoy.


[Josh just accidentally broke Devin's hand]
Manager: Are you hurt?
Devin: Yes.
Manager: Is it your hand?
Devin: [annoyed] Yes!
Manager: How many fingers am I holding up?
Devin: I don't care!

Drake: Hey, I gotta hit the bathroom. Will you, uh, stare at her for me while I'm gone?
Josh: You want me to stare at your guitar...for you...while you pee?
Drake: I could pee in here.
Josh: I'll stare.

Movie Job[edit]

Helen: Drake, did I just see you sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?
Josh: Busted.
Drake: Yes, yes I did Helen. And I'll tell you why.
Helen: Tell me why?
Drake: Well, those four kids. They're Norwegian.
Josh: Heh?!
Helen: It means, they're from Norway!
Drake: And as I'm sure you know Norway is on the metric system. So in Norway, PG-13 is really PG-9.
Helen: Yeah, i know. Metrics.
Drake: So I didn't want to start an international incident.
Helen: Nice. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake.

Helen: Do you have a job?
Josh: No.
Helen: Are you, uh, all right in the head?
Josh: I think so.
Helen: Congratulations. You're hired.
Josh: What?!
Helen: Get to work!.


[Josh arrives home looking very beat up]
Drake: What happened to you?
Josh: Football happened to me. First I got tackled, then I was trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Drake: So...you didn't make the team.
Josh: Oh, I made the team.
Drake: Really?! That's so cool!
Josh: Yeah! My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's brand-new... [holds up a jersey] e-quipment manager! [Drake stares at Josh] ...E-quipment manager!

Josh: Did you do something to my brownies?
Drake: Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
Football Player: Coach, you better Check on Witherspoon, he looks really bad!
Josh: How many brownies did you eat?
Witherspoon: 17. [gags] Ooh, an' I think your about to see them again.
Coach: Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!
Josh: Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!
Coach: Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!
Josh: Aw, come on, coach Davis, we can't forfeit!
Coach: Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!
Drake: Josh will play Center!
Josh: Josh who?!
Drake: Josh you! You'll be great and cool!
Josh: And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state; they're animals... animals!
Coach: Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!
Drake: Yes!
Josh: No! [Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet] Awww!

Pool Shark[edit]

Drake: I think we should go easy on these guys.
Josh: How come?
Drake: It's Eric.
Josh: What's up?
Drake: His mom, is in the hospital.
Josh: Oh, God. What happened?
Drake: It's her tongue; it´s like 10 times bigger than the normal... yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like [pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting] Yeah, very sad.
Josh: Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.
Drake: Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.

Josh: I'm so excited.
Drake: I'm so annoyed.
Josh: My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.
Drake: My mom's trying to get me to hang out more. with Josh.
Josh: I'm really psyched about it.
Drake: Kill me.

Smart Girl[edit]

[Josh paces in the Janitor's closet then Drake barges open the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]
Josh: OW! Thank you for the butt bruise!
Drake: Are you ready? You know what to do, right?
Josh: Yeah. Cheat.
Drake: I told you, its not cheating.
Josh: Beg to differ.
Drake: Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.
Josh: No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.
Drake: Come on, Josh. Please?
Announcer: [From the other room] Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.
Drake: Well?
Josh: Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.
Drake: Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me your piece. [Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece] Thanks Brother.
Josh: You better love me for this! [Drake kisses Josh on his cheek] Not that kind of love! [Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]

Drake: What are you doing?!
Josh: What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.
Drake: Well you're not doing a very good job.
Josh: Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!
Drake: Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?
Josh: Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!
Drake: Listen to me...
Josh: No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! Goodbye! [leaves the Janitor's closet]
Drake: Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing!

Little Diva[edit]

Drake: Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Josh: Who's Ethan LaRoche?
Drake: I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
Josh: Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Drake: Who's that?
Josh: I don't know!

Woman: Ashley, how do you feel to have played an 11 year old president?
Drake and Josh: Ahhh..uhhmmm...
[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]
Drake: Uhhh.. she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
Reporters: Oowwww!
Man: I have a question for the gentlemen who answered for her.
Drake: Yes?
Man: Why are you answering for her?
Josh: She has laringitis!
Drake: She lost her voice singing in-
Josh: -the asylum!
Drake: So, that's why the press conference is over!
[they drop Ashley and run out of there]

Blues Brothers[edit]

Drake: [to Josh] Looks like your twitching days are over.
Josh: And it looks like you just won the talent contest for the second year in a row.
Fan Girl: Actually, it's three years! It's a three-peat just like I predicted!
Drake & Josh: WHO ARE YOU?!
Fan Girl: I love you. Bye! [runs away]
Josh: [to Drake] It's gotta be fun being you.
Drake: Yeah...

Megan: I'd be nervous if I knew a million people were watching me.
Josh: I'm not nervous at all.
Megan: Ok. Unless, of course, your twitch comes back. Remember the fourth grade, Josh, the twitch.
Josh: Who told you I twitched?
Megan: Dad.
Josh: Dad!

Josh: Oh, why'd you have to tell her about the twitch?!

Driver's License[edit]

Drake: Okay, I thought a little beef reward for oh, I dunno, helping you keep your license.
Josh: Okay, that's it, stop dropping guilt bombs on me. Look, I understand you did me a favor. I appreciate it, and you taking a advantage of it, and I wouldn't have it, you hear.
Drake: Oh yeah, I hear you, and then dad's gonna wanna hear how you ran a stop and got a pretty little ticket. What you say to that?
Josh: I say [pauses] it's taco time!
Drake: Are you gonna open the door?
Josh: [mumbles angrily] You're pushing it.

[After being pulled over because of a tail light being out]
Police Officer: So, you we're the one driving this car?
Josh: Yeah...
Police Officer: Afraid I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, son.
Josh: No sir, you're going to have to give me two tickets.
Police Officer: What for?
Josh: Well, one for the faulty tail light... And one for this! [attacks Drake]

#1 Fan[edit]

[Josh and the Campfire Kids arrive at the Premiere]
Wendy: So what movie are we seeing?
Josh: We're not seeing a movie. We're here to learn about the wilderness of navigation.
[All the Campfire Kids groan]
Pete: You're the worst!
Josh: [sarcastically] Thank you, Pete. Okay, so what would you do if someone dropped you of in the middle of the road?
Megan: I'd call Mom on my cellphone.
Josh: Say you didn't have a cellphone.
Megan: I always have my cellphone.
Josh: The battery's dead.
Megan: I always carry a car charger.
Josh: It's broken, it fell in the lake, a bear ate it; the point is you're lost! And all you have is a compass and a topographical map.
Megan: So I have a compass and a topographical map, but I don't have my cellphone?
Josh: That tears it, we're seeing a movie!
[the Campfire Kids cheer]

[Drake angrily arrives home from school]
Wendy: Hey, Drake!
Wendy: Baby, what's wrong?
Wendy: They just don't understand our relationship.

Mean Teacher[edit]

Mrs. Hayfer: [comes in] Morning, class. I graded your essays. Josh, you write a wonderful story. I Cried When the Leprechaun Gave Birth. A+ [hands essay to Josh]
Josh: Thank you, Mrs. Hayfer. Glad you liked it.
Mrs. Hayfer: Loved it, in fact you did so good, you can skip today's pop quiz.
Josh: Wow, A+, and no quiz. Today's my lucky day.
Mrs. Hayfer: Yes, it is. There's your essay, Drake. [hands essay to Drake]
Drake: D-? What's wrong with it?
Mrs. Hayfer: I don't know, just write another one.
Drake: Dude, she is so mean. Why does she have it in for me?
Josh: Mrs. Hayfer? She's the nicest teacher in the whole school. It's all in your head.
Mrs. Hayfer: Alright class, let's begin. The Iliad and The Odyssey originally written in what language? Drake!
Drake: Uh... Greek.
Mrs. Hayfer: WRONG! Todd.
Todd: Greek?
Mrs. Hayfer: CORRECT!
[Drake looks at Josh after Todd gets the right answer]

[Drake is waiting outside of Mrs. Hayfer's house]
Drake: Kelly, you're a really nice girl, I just don't think this is going to work out. Oh no. Kelly, I'm joining the army. Navy... Circus?
Mrs. Hayfer: [answers the door] Who's out here?
Drake: Hey, is Kelly- [sees Mrs. Hayfer coming out of the house] HOLY SNOT!
Mrs. Hayfer: What a charming sentiment.
Drake: Mrs. Hayfer, what are you doing here?
Mrs. Hayfer: Watching OR, and I'm missing Madelyn's colonoscopy. What are you doing on my porch?
Drake: Wait. Isn't this Kelly's address?
Mrs. Hayfer: Wait... you're the boy who's been dating my daughter?
Drake: You're Kelly's mom!?
Mrs. Hayfer: I'm going to be sick.
Drake: Oh, right there with you.
Kelly: [comes out] Drake, I wasn't expecting you tonight. [laughs]
Drake: Yeah, I was expecting my English teacher to be your mom.
Kelly: Are you one of my mom's students?
Mrs. Hayfer: If you use the term student loosely.
Drake: Well, I better get going. [he leaves but Kelly grabs him]
Kelly: Oh no, no, no, no. You came all the way out here. So, what do you want?
Drake: Um.
Kelly: Why do you take me to play miniature golf?
Drake: Oh, you know I-
Kelly: Oh, I'll get my platter. [goes inside the house]
Drake: So, nice night, huh?
Mrs. Hayfer: I hate you.
Drake: I know.

The Gary Grill[edit]

FBI Man 2: Drake Parker and Josh Nichols?
Josh: Yes.
FBI Man: We understand you are selling these Gary Grills.
Josh: Yep. How many do you want?
FBI Man 2: We want them all.
Josh: Great, over there please.
Drake: Only cash, please.
FBI Man: I think you don't understand. FBI [shows them the badge]
Drake: Dude, cash only.

Josh: Drake, do something!
Drake: Yeah, what do you want me to do?
Josh: Tell them we didn't steal those grills!
Drake: I did, they don't believe us!
Josh: Well, I don't belong in prison! Prison is for scum! And lowlifes! [other prisoners glare at him] Except for you guys. I'm sure you're all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and [grabs the bars] OH, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I HAVE A PIANO LESSON!!!

Drew & Jerry[edit]

[Drake finds a trash dog outside and takes it to him and Josh's room]
Josh: Oprah? Oh, Oprah. [screams and wakes up after the dog licks his face] Who's dog is this?
Drake: I just found him rooting through the garbage outside.
Josh: So you let him lick my face?
Drake: Get dressed, we're late.
Josh: Late for what?
Drake: Dude, it's Saturday morning. Cheerleader car wash at the Hexaco Station. Come on, it's already 10:00.
Josh: 10:00? Oh, no, I'm late. I'm supposed to be at Drew's.
Drake:You're hanging out with Drew today?
Josh: He's got a virtual reality snowboarding game with a real snow machine and everything.
Drake: So, what, you're just gonna be gone all day?
Josh: But now you can have more Drake time. Everybody wins. See you. [leaves]
Drake: Well, trash dog, it looks like it's just you and me. [the dog leaves] Hey, I have garbage! [picks up the trash can]

[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]
Megan: Alright, Drake. What's bugging you?
Drake: Nothing. [Megan leans back] Josh bummed me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.
Megan: Ooh, somebody's jealous.
Drake: I'm not jealous.
Megan: Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.
Drake: You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.
Megan: You should.
Drake: I will. [silence] So, 9 1/2?
Megan: I'm outta here. [she leaves the table]

Honor Council[edit]

Walter: You have been known to 'act out'.
Drake: Like when?
Walter: You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
Drake: By accident!
Audrey: You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Drake: To make money!
Walter: Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Drake: Oh, come on, even you hate your sister!

Drake: What's your grade point average?
Mindy: I have a 4.0.
Josh: So you're saying you have all A's?
Mindy: That's what I'm saying!
Drake and Josh: Reeeaally?
Josh: Cause we happen to have a copy of your transcript.
Drake: And your grades.
Josh: That's what transcript means!
Drake: Oh…

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