Drake & Josh/Season 4

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

Josh Runs Into Oprah[edit]

[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]
Josh: You made me a birthday cake?
Megan: Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There.
Josh: Wow! This is really full of poison, isn't it?
Megan: No!
Josh: No, what then, huh, huh, huh, hot sauce some kind of extreme laxident?
Megan: Oh, c'mon! I wouldn't let you eat a cake that make you sick on your birthday.
Josh: I'm sorry.
Megan: It's okay. Make a wish. [Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake as it exploded and he turns around to Megan as he had cake pieces on his face when she pranked him] I didn't say it wouldn't explode!
Josh: I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.

[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath]
Drake: Hey, man.
Josh: HEY, MAN?!
Drake: Hey... man?
Josh: You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed!
Drake: Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
Josh: Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
Drake: Kay, what up with the 'tude?
Josh: D'you know what it's like to have an involuntary chemical bath? It stings...EVERYWHERE!
Drake: Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
Josh: No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never going to make up anything to me ever again!
Drake: Wait, do these sound okay to you? [Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves] Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
Josh: NOT REALLY! [slams the door]

Vicious Tiberius[edit]

Drake: Oh, how are we gonna get out of here?
Josh: We've gotta get help. Oh, I'll call dad.
Drake: Oh, great. Oh, great! [when Josh gets out his phone and calls dad, the phone rings at home while Walter is working out and singing Highway to Nowhere] Well?
Josh: No answer.
Drake: You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
Josh: No, I think I know our own number.
Drake: Dude, just let me try-- [he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toliet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toliet]
Josh: It's your fault. Go get it.
Drake: I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
Josh: Probably doesn't even work anymore.
Drake: Yeah, well, let's see. [toilet flushes] It still works.
Josh: I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
Drake: Oh, well, that's gone.

Megan: [offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?
Josh: Who's that?
Drake: It sounds like Megan.
Megan: [offscreen] Drake? Josh?
Josh: That is Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
Drake: Oh, he'll eat her alive!
Josh: C'mon! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!
Drake: [blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
Josh: That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
Drake: Alright.
Josh: C'mon. [he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room with Tiberius behaving and loud whispers] Megan! Run!
Megan: I don't want to run.
Josh: [loud whisper] But he's vicious.
Megan: Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
[Drake and Josh walk by to her]
Josh: I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
Drake: Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
Megan: Where have you 2 been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago.
Josh: How'd you know we were here?
Megan: Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
Josh: We couldn't.
Drake: Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
Megan: What're you talking about?
Josh: When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
Megan: Really?
Drake and Josh: Yeah/Uh-huh.
Megan: See ya.
[when Megan leaves the house, she made Drake and Josh suffer against Tiberius because she's satisfied about that and doesn't care since they told her everything about Tiberius]

The Wedding[edit]

[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]
Josh: So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
Drake: Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
Josh: She's almost 90 years old.
Drake: She's like 90,000 years old.
Josh: She's not nice!
Drake: She is mean. [gets closer to the viewers] Mean to the bone!
Josh: Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
Drake: She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
Josh: Oh, and get this.
Drake and Josh: Aunt Catherine's getting married!
Josh: I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
Drake: You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
Josh: I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. [turns to Drake] Do ya?
Drake: Totally.

Craig: Knock, knock! It's Craig and Eric!
Audrey: Sorry, boys, can't talk. Going to a wedding.
Eric: Oh, we're just here to pick up something from Josh.
Megan: Josh! Your geeks are here!
Josh: [from upstairs] I'll be down in a minute!
Audrey: [gasps, her earring is broken] Oh, my earring broke!
Drake: Super glue's in the kitchen.
Audrey: [takes Megan by the wrist as they go to the kitchen to glue the earring] Come on. Help me glue it.
Megan: Okay!
Craig: Who's getting married?
Drake: [disgruntled] Our Great Aunt Catherine.
Eric: Isn't she like, 87?
Drake: 89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us.

Mindy Loves Josh[edit]

[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about their old friend from school]
Josh: Ok, women. Sometimes can be tricky.
Drake: Girls are so easy to figure out.
Josh: Like when I was in the 4th grade, this girl named Becky Hummus said she had a crush on me.
Drake: Like last year, this girl Alison Fletcher, asked me out.
Josh: But Becky didn't really like me,
Drake: But Alison wasn't really into me.
Josh: She just knew that every day in my sack lunch I brought doodle cakes.
Drake: She was just trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous.
Josh: I was being used.
Drake: I was being used.
Josh: That semester, she ate almost every doodle cake I brought to school.
Drake: Then she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.
Josh: By the end of 4th grade, she weighed over 200 pounds.
Drake: I kinda missed Alison, so I started making out with her sister.
Josh: Now, Becky Hummus wears gigantic pants.
Drake: I think her sister kisses even better.
Josh: You know, they make fat free doodle cakes now.
Drake: I wonder if they have a third sister?
Josh: But it's too late for Becky.

Drake: 2 for 2.
Josh: [runs in] Drake!
Drake: [pulling back the sling] Not now. I'm busy.
Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!
Drake: [shocked, accidentally releases his sling and hits Josh's eye] What?!
Josh: OH! [falls down to the ground]
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman so if I just... (Drake runs in panicking and screaming after finding out that his hands are green)

Who's Got Game?[edit]

Carly: [walks up to Drake] Help you find something?
Drake: Oh no, I got- [turns to see her] No, I got it.
Carly: Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton".
Drake: No way, I was there.
Carly: Oh yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
Drake: Yeah, that was me!
Carly: I was kidding.
Drake: Me too.
Carly: Come on, I'll ring you up.
Drake: Okay.
[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]

Josh: [walks up to Drake] Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
Drake: What? [turns around to Josh]
Josh: Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
Drake: Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. All right, you win.
Josh: I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! [laughs] JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! [flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment] See you guys at home. [walks away]

The Great Doheny[edit]

Josh: Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make you a sandwich with some crinko cup fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]
Megan: Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician.
Henry Doheny: Hmmm. [pretends to think] Why don't you, reach into, [points to trash can and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.
Megan: [looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps] A bunny!
Henry Doheny: Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
Megan: [puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
Henry Doheny: I insist!
Megan: Thanks! [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]
Henry Doheny: [To Drake] Pick a card!
Drake: [picks a card] Now what?
Henry Doheny: Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]
Drake: [looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] What's my card?
Henry Doheny: Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Open it. [Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking] Is that your card?
Drake: Yeah. Please do me a favor and don't make things come outta my body.

Walter: [looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald] Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. [leaving the room] Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!

I Love Sushi[edit]

Sergeant Doty: So let me see if I got this straight.
Josh: Shoot.
Drake: Go ahead.
Sergeant Doty: You two supposedly won a home makeover from some TV show you never heard of?
Josh: That's right.
Drake: Yeah.
Sergeant Doty: And at their request you made sure that no one was home today for six hours?
Josh: Right.
Drake: That's pretty much it.
Josh: So, what do you guys think?
Sergeant Doty: I think you're idiots.
Megan: We know they're idiots.

Mr. Nadel: Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. [Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office] What do you want?
Josh: We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
Mr. Nadel: So?
Josh: And we'd like one.
Mr. Nadel: And I'd like to meet with another woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
Drake: Yeah, well good luck with that.
Mr. Nadel: Ok, what are your skills?
Drake: I play guitar and date girls.
Josh: Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was vote most polite child-
Mr. Nadel: [yells] NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! [in a normal voice] Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
Drake: Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
Josh: Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
Drake: Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
Mr. Nadel: Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
Josh: You already said that.
Drake: We just want jobs.
Mr. Nadel: Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. Not glamorous enough for you?
Josh: Well, what would we have to do?
Mr. Nadel: You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
Josh: Yeah, we'll take it.
Mr. Nadel: Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
Drake: 8:00?
Josh: We'll be there.
Mr. Nadel: Yeah, yeah.
[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]
Phone: The number you have reached has been disconnected
Mr. Nadel: [bangs on desk] EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! [knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]

The Storm[edit]

[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy]
Eric: Ow.
Drake: That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
Eric: Well, yeah. When we were going over the gas list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
Drake: Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? [hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]
Eric: Ow!
Drake: Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
Eric: Just those two. I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!

Drake: [after being on the phone with Josh] That was Josh.
Julio: They cancelled the concert?
Drake: The whole stage is underwater.
Gary: My uncle's got a boat!
Drake: That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!!

My Dinner with Bobo[edit]

Drake: [points at a monkey] Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! [picks up Bobo]
Stan: He seems to take a liking to you too!
Drake: Aw, he's awesome.
Megan: Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.

Josh: You better let us out or we're gonna call the cops!
Drake: Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
Dr. Favershim: You have no cellphone.
Josh: Do too!
Dr. Favershim: Fine. Then play me a ringtone.
Josh: What?!?!
Dr. Favershim: Play me a ringtone.
[Josh plays a ringtone]
Drake: See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
Dr. Favershim: Does it have Bluetooth?
Josh: What?!?!
Dr. Favershim: Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
Josh: Ya, dude it has Bluetooth.
Dr. Favershim: I don't believe you. Show me.
Josh: Fine! Open the door! [Dr. Favershim opens door] See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! [Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again] What?! Oh, man!
Drake: Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
Josh: Don't start with me! [Josh slaps Drake off-screen]
Drake: Ow!

Tree House[edit]

Audrey: It's okay, Robbie. I promise you, Drake and Josh are gonna build you a brand new treehouse.
Drake: What?
Josh: Say what now?
Walter: You heard her.
Greg: Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Could you boys rebuild it... tomorrow?
Drake: Tomorrow?
Josh: No, that won't work.
Audrey: Of course they can.
Josh: But we have dates tomorrow.
Drake: With hot twins.
Walter: Tough squash.
Drake: Squash?
Josh: I don't know, he says things. I really... I don't know.
Audrey: You can go on your dates after the 3 of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse.
Megan: Whoa, whoa. By the 3 of us, I hope you mean Drake, Josh and Josh's imaginary friend.
Josh: Hey.
Megan: Mom.
Walter: Drake and Josh said you were helping them with the rocket when it flew through the window.
Drake: She was.
Audrey: So you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow.
Megan: But I'll miss Janie's birthday party. Tell them it wasn't my fault.
Drake: Ooh, sorry.
Josh: Too bad, little girl.

[Drake and Josh are trapped inside the treehouse]
Josh: Drake.
Drake: What?
Josh: Where's the door hole?
Drake: It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
Josh: You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
Drake: Dude, I'm gonna!
Josh: Oh really?
Drake: Yes!
Josh: So go get the power saw.
Drake: Okay, I will! [tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is] I see the problem.
Josh: Oh, do ya?!

Josh is Done[edit]

Drake: C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
Josh: Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
Drake: And the battle begins! [rings bell] Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
Josh: Wahahaha. I am prepared, young sedgewan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
Drake: Ahh, do your worst! [he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window] You have smashed the window of transparency!

Drake: Look, dude, I said I was sorry.
Josh: Oh, I heard you.
Drake: Well, stop being mad at me.
Josh: I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
Drake: What’s that supposed to mean?
Josh: I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
Drake: So what, are you gonna move out?
Josh: No, this is a house where I live and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college, but that's all we'll be is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away]
Megan: [After hearing their conversation] Whoa.
Drake: What?
Megan: You really did it this time.
Drake: Come on, you know how many times Josh has been "furious" with me, and you know, he'll pout for a day or two and then get over it.
Megan: I don't know. He sounds pretty serious.
Drake: Trust me, alright? I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna-
Robbie: [angrily comes in] I knew it! I knew you took my "sit and bounce"! [kicks Drake's leg]
Drake: Ow!
[as Robbie leaves and jumps on his sit and bounce, Megan looks shocked]

Eric Punches Drake[edit]

Craig: [pops up from the trash can] Hello.
Drake: [screams] Craig?
Craig: Are you alone?
Drake: Yeah, I'm alone.
Craig: Good, [holds out a bag of pork rinds] pork rind?
Drake: Sure. [takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it] So you're the one that sent the blimp?
Craig: That's right.
Drake: [concerned] Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
Craig: WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
Drake: Rat's hat?
Craig: [furious] He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--
Drake: [He interrupts Craig] OKAY, OKAY, I get it get it get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
Craig: Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
Drake: What?
Craig: I love to sing.
Drake: [confused, steps aside] And?
Craig: And you are like a professional singer.
Drake: [still confused] You wanna sing a song with me?
Craig: I've wanted this for a long time!
Drake: Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar you can sing a song with me.
Craig: Excellent. Now listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
Drake: I thought he was Jewish.
Craig: A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
Drake: Okay...
Craig: So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
Drake: Uh-huh!
Craig: And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
Drake: I won't forget the song.
Craig: Good, I'll start practicing.
[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]

Drake: [he stops the argument about stacks of cards] Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards all right?! I got big problems!
Josh: What, that Eric thing?
Drake: Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just make himself popular. But you know what?
Josh: What?
Drake: I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
Josh: You don't want to do that! [grabs him]
Drake: Then give me a one good reason.
Josh: 'Cause it's not gonna help you! All right? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
Drake: Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
Josh: DIFFERENT!!! [crosses his arms]
Drake: It's not different?
Josh: Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
Drake: And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
Josh: I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- [the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]
Clayton: [worried] Why?
[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake locks the door as he and Josh cool off]

Megan's Revenge[edit]

[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]
Drake: Now put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
Josh: Yeah, me too. [looks at Megan's hamster] Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
Drake: Look, let's just get out of here.
Josh: Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
Drake: Well, hurry.
Josh: Okay! Smile Hervay.
[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]
Drake: Awww. He's playing dead.
Josh: I think he really is dead!
Drake: That hamster can't be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan is going to kill us!

Josh: Why do you want me to take a nap, Drake?
Drake: Because I'm worried about you man.
Josh: You're not on this with Megan aren't ya?
Drake: Josh!
Josh: You're in cahoots!
Drake: You're insane!
Josh: Cahooter!
Drake: Why would I be in cahoots with Megan?
Josh: 'Cause, You're the one who told her that I took the picture that killed Hervay to save your own butt.

Steered Straight[edit]

Josh: Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.
Drake: You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!
Josh: [takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?
Drake: Fake ID, here check mine out. [pulls out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]
Josh: [reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?
Drake: [laughs] Yeah, made it up.
Josh: [sarcastically] Oh REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
Drake: Yep. And hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
Josh: It's illegal to use fake IDs!
Drake: Yeah well it's illegal to rob banks but people do it!
Josh: Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!

[after Blaze has gone]
Josh: Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
Drake: Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
Josh: Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
Drake: Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Josh: Okay.
Drake: Uh...
Josh: Uh, alright. [pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police] Alright, work together. Teamwork.
Drake: Okay.
Josh: Teamwork.
Drake: Alright.
Josh: To the left.
Drake: Ow!
Josh: To the--
Drake: Grab it.
Josh: Alright. [the phone slides away from him and Drake] Teamworking.
Drake: Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
Josh: Oh, this isn't gonna work.
Drake: Alright. Fine, fine, here. [puts it behind him] I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
Josh: I'm not sticking my nose down there.
Drake: Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
Josh: I think so.
Drake: Oh, just dial the number.
Josh: Alright. [presses the 9 button with his nose] 9. [then the 1 button] 1.
[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]
Drake: Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
Josh: It is allergy season.

Megan's First Kiss[edit]

Megan: Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
Drake: Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
Josh: Why?
Drake: 'Cause we bought tickets.
Josh: [to Drake] Not you! [to Megan] Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
Megan: I don't care what you're doing.
Drake: But you just asked us.
Megan: Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... [Megan leaves the room smiling]
Drake: Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
Drake: Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
Josh: Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
Drake: Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
Josh: Really, you're not a smart boy.

[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews.]
Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
Josh: I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
Drake: I don't even know what accent to talk with.
Josh: Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
Helen: Can I help you gentlemen find something?
Josh: [Irish accent] Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
Helen: Potato?
Drake: [Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.
Josh: Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
Drake: Pip pip da doodly-doo!
Helen: Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that.

The Battle of Panthatar[edit]

[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask themselves random questions]
Drake: Hello, what's your name?
Josh: Hi! Who are you?
Drake: What is your favorite thing to eat?
Josh: What games do you like to play?
Drake and Josh: Me too!
Drake: Hey, do you like me?
Josh: Do you wanna be my friend?
Drake: Aw, thank you!
Josh: ... What is that supposed to mean?
Drake: You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
Josh: What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Don't fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
Drake: A present? For me?
Josh: Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
Drake: [holding a handed a plate of cookies] A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
Josh: I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --[boy spits in his eye]... did you just... you spit in my eye!
Drake: Mmm... these are my favorite!
Josh: Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

[Drake enters his and Josh's room]
Drake: Hey.
Josh: Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
Drake: Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
Josh: Well, perfect, and?
Drake: He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
Josh: [groans] I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
Drake: Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
Josh: I don't wanna get even. [whining] I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
Drake: Bro, Thornton hates us.
Josh: Well, let's make him love us again.
Drake: I tried.
Josh: Well, maybe we can... [notices Drake's autographed Beatles Abbey Road album] Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
Drake: Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- Oh, no, no. No way. [hides it in his arms] Don't even think about it.
Josh: I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
Drake: Absolutely not.
Josh: I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
Drake: Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
Josh: Dude.
Drake: Okay, but I love this album a lot.

Really Big Shrimp[edit]

[Crazy Steve looks at watch]
Crazy Steve: It's time! [he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh] You ate my enchilada!
Josh: There was no note!
Crazy Steve: You eat my enchilada!
Josh: There was no note!

Audrey: [hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, they're here.
Walter: Ooh. [walks before the front door]
Megan: Dad, are you sure about this?
Walter: Yes. And we are doing a very nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]
Lula: Where's the bathroom?!
Audrey: Did you just break our door in?!
Lula: I rang the doorbell, waited 25 seconds, no one answered, what I supposed to do?
Josh: You could've rang the doorbell, again.
Lula: [to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]
Megan: What, am I going to pretend that wasn't funny?
Helen: That's Josh, [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, that's Audrey, and this is...[forgets who Walter is]
Walter: Walter!
Lula: Great, now where's the bathroom?!
Audrey: Right through that door.
Lula: Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]
Audrey: Is she always so--
Helen: Buh-bye! [goes away]
Megan: I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
Walter: No, she's staying in your room.
Megan: What?!
Audrey: You'll be staying in the boys' room.
Drake, Josh and Megan: What?!
Josh: This is an outrage!
Drake: What are we gonna stay?
Walter: [to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
Megan: Aw, this is horrible.
Walter: It's not that bad.

Megan: Fine I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
Megan's Friends: Eww!
[Josh walks out of the room]
Molly: Call me!!
Megan's Friends: Eww!
[Josh peeks his head back through the door]

[Drake arrives home]
Audrey: Super Bowl's on.
Drake: I don't care.
Josh: Come on, the commercial's up in about two minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
Drake: It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
Josh: Why?
Drake: Because you're not there. [walks away]
Josh: Drake! [runs off to Drake]

Crazy Steve: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in...
Lula: [annoyed] I know how to breathe!
Crazy Steve: [screaming] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Lula: [scared] Okay.


[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince]
Josh: Hey, hey. He's awake.
Drake: You're awake!
Vince: [wakes up] Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
Drake: About 10 minutes.
Vince: Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. [holds his head] Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
Josh: This fire extinguisher.
Vince: Oh.
Josh: See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- [he sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher and Vince screams outside after he pranked him]
Drake: [angrily] Do you know what you just did?!
Josh: I extinguished our pilot?
Drake: No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!

[Vince angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house]
Vince: You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
Drake & Josh: Wha-- shh!
Drake: Not in front of our parents.
Audrey: Who is it?
Drake & Josh: Uh..
Drake: Some, crazy, guy.
[Josh whistles]
Walter: [to Audrey] I'll handle this. [he walks over to Vince] How can I help you?
Vince: Are you their father?
Walter: Yes. [Vince angrily gives him a bill] What's this?
Vince: A bill. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
Walter: What? [Looks at the bill Vince gave him] $400,000?
[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]
Drake: [as Walter] Boys, you're both grounded.
Josh: [worried] But, Dad--
Drake: [as Walter] Grounded. 2 weeks.
Josh: [worried] But it wasn't our fault!
Drake: [as Walter] Upstairs.
Josh: [worried] Yes, sir.
Drake: [as Walter] Night.
Josh: [worried] Night.
[Drake and Josh head upstairs and ground themselves for two weeks as Walter needs to pay $400,000 for Vince's new helicopter]

Dance Contest[edit]

Eric: So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
Drake: Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

Dance Contest Host: Now welcome the pair of Drake Parker and Emily... [a girl runs out from backstage and hands the host a card] I'm sorry. There's been a change. Please welcome the pair of Drake Parker and Josh Nichols.
Megan and Audrey: [in unison] Oh, my God!

External links[edit]

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