Futurama
From Wikiquote
Futurama (1999–2003, 2007–2013) is an animated television series created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, a 20th century human who was frozen in the year 1999 awakes to find himself in the future, where he finds new friends who are coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company.
Season 1[edit]
Space Pilot 3000[edit]
- Fry: Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you.
- Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the prank calls.
- Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.
- Fry: Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet?
- Leela: No, I just work here.
- [Fry's first glimpse of the future]
- Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.
- [Pause.]
- Fry: YAHOO!!!
- Fry: Can't you just leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already
- Leela: I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel
- Fry: No you don't. I've got no home, no family
- Bender: No friends
- Leela: This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup.
- [The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers standing right next to her.]
- Officer Smitty: We'll be there in 5 minutes.
- Fry: Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
- Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
- Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
- Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.
- Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
- Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want!
- Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.
- Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.
- Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
- Fry: Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?
- Farnsworth: If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.
- Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?
- Farnsworth: You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.
- Fry: So, I'm a delivery boy?
- Farnsworth: Exactly.
- Fry: All right! I'm a delivery boy!
The Series Has Landed[edit]
- Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
- Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
- Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
- Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.
- Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.
- Bender: I'm going to build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! You know what- forget the park!
- Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, eh? I'll build my OWN lunar landing... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ehh, screw the whole thing.
- Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.
- Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)
- Craterface: At least I have my self-respect. (laughs, then sobs quietly)
- [Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]
- Farnsworth: My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. [falls asleep]
- Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
- [Fry opens his mouth]
- Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
- Fry: I only have one.
- Zoidberg: Really?
- Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
- Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
- Fry: Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!
- Zoidberg: What? My mother was a saint! Get out!
- [Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]
- Moon Rover Ride Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.
- Animatronic Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice-- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!
- Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
- Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife
- Animatronic Whalers: [Singing] We're whaler's on the moon,
- We carry a harpoon.
- But there ain't no whales,
- So we tell tall-tales,
- And sing our whaling tune.
- Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.
- Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.
- Fry: But, you are lazy right?
- Sal: Oh, don't get me started!
- Fry: Hey, I got everyone magnets. [puts one on Bender's head]
- Bender: Get it off! Get it off! [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a...
- [Fry removes magnet]
- Bender: Don't ever do that! Magnets interfere with my inhibition unit.
- Fry: So you flip out and start acting like a crazy folk singer?
- Bender: Yes. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to be a folk singer...
I, Roommate[edit]
- Bender: You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first.
- [In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic apartment"]
- Fry: I don't get it. What's the catch?
- Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey.
- [cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]
- Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.
- Bender: [in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...
- Fry: Bender, wake up!
- Bender: Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
- Fry: Where's the bathroom?
- Bender: The bath what?
- Fry: Bathroom.
- Bender: The what room?
- Fry: Bathroom!
- Bender: The what what?
- Fry: Never mind.
- [Bender goes back to sleep.]
- Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?
- Farnsworth: (Talking on the phone) Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.
- Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person!
- [Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an appartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher]
- Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.
- Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.
- Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
- Calculon: I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?
- Monique: Oh, Calculon! Yes!
- [Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]
- Monique: It fits! Then you must know I'm...
- Calculon: Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.
- [Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]
- Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!
- Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!
Love's Labors Lost in Space[edit]
- Zapp Brannigan: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?
- Unseen Man: You suck!
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have mated with a woman. Inform the men.
- Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!
- Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?
- Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.
- Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.
- Leela: No, just a regular mistake.
- Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
- Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
- [Short pause]
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm asking you a question.
- [Kif groans]
- Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.
- Zapp Brannigan: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
- Leela: Birds don't crawl.
- Zapp Brannigan: They've been known to!
- Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.
- Zapp Brannigan: Go ahead. I won't stop you.
- Leela: Threaten all you-- Wait. What?
- Zapp Brannigan: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!
- Zapp Brannigan: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?
- Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.
- Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad...or two!
- Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.
- Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?
- Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.
- Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.
- Leela: Animals?
- Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.
- Leela: Wait! What about the animals?
- Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.
- Leela: Yes, but what about the animals?
- Farnsworth: The wha?
- Leela: The animals.
- Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.
Fear of a Bot Planet[edit]
- Robot #1: Administer the test.
- Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?
- Robot #1: Choose!
- [Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]
- Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?
- Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.
- Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!
- Robot #2: Correct!
- Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
- Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes.
- Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.
- Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
- Fry: Really? Which one?
- Bender: Only Robannukah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
- Leela: Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robomadom" and before that "Robonza".
- Fry: Man, that one was a blast!
- Bender: It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
- Farnsworth: He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory.
- Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
- Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.
- Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.
- Fry: It wasn't bori- (cuts himself off) so they finally jazzed it up.
- Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer!
- [The robots in the crowd laugh]
- Robot Mayor: A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender!
- Fry: It's him! He's OK!
- Bender: Death to humans!
- [The robots in the crowd cheer]
- Fry: Aww... It's good to hear his voice.
- Fry: We're rescuing ya.
- Bender: I don't want to be rescued.
- Fry: Say what?
- Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.
- Bender: Now Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hitting machine.
- Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. Wireless Joe Jackson was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.
- Bender: Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was just a modified howitzer!
- Leela: Yep.
A Fishful of Dollars[edit]
- [Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]
- Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
- Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
- Voice on TV: Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers
- Fry: Oh, those were the days...
- Voice on TV: Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
- Fry: I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.
- Bender: I'm a thing...
- Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
- Mom: Toodle-oo! [Under her breath.] Dumbass...
- Fry: What a nice lady.
- Prof. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
- Fry: Wha?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
- Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
- Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
- Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!
- Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...
- [Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]
- Fry: Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
- Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.
- Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton?
- Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.
- Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...More...
- Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.
- Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!!!
My Three Suns[edit]
- [Bender is watching a cooking show called Essence of Elzar]
- Fry: Hey, whatcha watching?
- Leela: Is that a cooking show?
- Bender: [turns off the TV] No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.
- Leela: [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
- Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long.
- Fry: It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.
- Bender: [sotto voce] Pansy.
- Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?
- Fry: Uhh...... 80,000 years?
- Leela: No, one week!
- Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.
- Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?
- Fry: That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!
- Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
- Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.
- Fry: It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.
- Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything!
- Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.
- Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.
- Fry: These things happen.
- Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause there's no god and your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!
- Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind.
- Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
- Organ Salesman: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
- Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
- Organ Salesman: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.
- Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.
- Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
- Hermes: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
- Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
- Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
- Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?
- Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.
- Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
- Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
- Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
- Prof. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol. A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
- Bender: Thank you and goodnight.
- Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!
A Big Piece of Garbage[edit]
- Fry: [After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]
- Leela: I don't get it.
- Professor Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
- Fry: So what's it called now?
- Professor Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
- Bart Simpson-doll: Eat my shorts!
- Bender: Okay! [Eats the doll's shorts.] Mmm, shorts.
- Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
- Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
- Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.
- Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?
- Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.
- Wernstrom: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.
- Farnsworth: Uh... last year, you say?
- Wernstrom: That's right.
- Farnsworth: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?
- Wernstrom: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.
- [Wernstrom leaves with his fish]
- Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.
- Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!
- Bender: Ooh, name it after me!
- [The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]
- Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.
- Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.
- [In the movie.]
- Female Scientist: Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?
- Male Scientist: With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]
- [Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]
- Leela: Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes.
- [Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]
- Leela: Uh, 15 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] 5 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] "6h" minutes?
- [Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]:
- Bender: There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down!
- Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds!
- Fry: [screams] AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right?
- Bender: Right.
- [Fry screams again]
Hell Is Other Robots[edit]
- [After escaping Robot Hell]
- Bender: Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.
- Leela: Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that?
- Bender: I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?
- Fry: [Chuckles] Good ol' Bender.
- Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?
- Bender: [Nervous] No! Don't come in!
- Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.
- Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.
- Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.
- Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.
- Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen...
- [A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]
- Bender: Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke?
- Robot Devil: [Singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em,
- We'll find ways to simulate that smell.
- What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a donnetela,
- Here on Level One of Robot Hell.
- Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phoney IOU's
- Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified,
- I'm pit boss here on Level Two.
- Ooo, deep-fried robot!
- Bender: Just tell me why...
- Robot Devil: Check out this 55-page warrant.
- Bender: There must be robots worse than I...
- Robot Devil: We've checked it out; there really aren't!
- Bender: Then please let me explain,
- My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks...
- Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!
- Bender: Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! [Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]
- Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!
- Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,
- Musicians need that income to survive
- Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,
- With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!
- [Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]
- That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five!
- Fry:[On the slide] I don't feel well...
- Leela:[On the slide] It's up to us to rescue him.
- Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell...
- Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
- Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel...
- Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared,
- I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,
- So just sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide!
- Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds,
- Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines,
- You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime,
- You'll suffer till the end of time,
- Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme,
- Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!!!
- Fry: Bender, are you alright?
- Bender: No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.
- [After delivering the subpoenas]
- Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.
- Leela: Did he use his tongue?
- Fry: A little.
- [at a Beastie Boys concert]
- Leela: They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
- Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.
- Hermes: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you!
- Zoidberg: Me?
- [Later]
- Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.
- Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!
- Bender: In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... [later] ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.
A Flight to Remember[edit]
- Kif: Sir, can I speak with you?
- Zapp Brannigan: No!
- Kif: But, sir, it's an emergency.
- Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
- [The ship shakes and rumbles]
- Zapp Brannigan: [stands up] Oh, very well.
- Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.
- Fry: Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.
- Bender: Me neither! Food was good, though.
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".
- Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.
- Bender: You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal!
- Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?
- Bender: All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.
- Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
- Bender: [hugging Fry] I love you, buddy!
- Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!
- Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
- Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?
- Zapp Brannigan: No.
- Kif: Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.
- Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.
- Craps dealer: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs.
- Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
- [The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]
- Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
- Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.
- Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
- Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.
- Kif: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
- Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.
- Fry: You're not jealous, are you?
- Leela: No!
- Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.
- Fry: Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in her, if that's what's bothering you.
- Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...?
- Fry: I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.
- Leela: Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here
- Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view.
- Leela: Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible [gasps]
- [Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]
- Leela: Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.
- Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?
- Kif: This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.
- Zapp Brannigan: That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]
- Kif: But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.
- Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.
Mars University[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?
- Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.
- Fry: You mean peer pressure?
- Fry: This is awesome! I had no idea that Mars had a university
- Professor Farnsworth: Well, back in those days, Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah.
- [While searching the jungle for Guenter]
- Fry: Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!
- Professor Farnsworth: Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]
- Guenter: All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!
- Professor Farnsworth: NOOOOOO!
- Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...
- Bender: Now I can explain that!
- Dean Vernon: [repeated line] Robot House!!
- Leela: So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?
- Prof. Farnsworth: All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.
- Leela: You went to college?
- Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.
- Fry: What was your minor?
- Bender: Robo-American Studies.
- Prof. Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that might win me the Nobel Prize.
- Leela: In what field?
- Prof. Farnsworth: I don't care; they all pay the same.
- Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
- Fry:[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.
When Aliens Attack[edit]
- Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
- Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
- Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
- Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
- Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!
- Zapp Brannigan: The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
- Zapp Brannigan: [having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!
- Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mother ship.
- Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
- [Kif checks the star chart]
- Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.
- [The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]
- Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!
- Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.
- Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!
- [He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it. Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]
- Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
- Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
- Fry: That's the one.
- Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!
- Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.
- Kif Kroker: Um...not me, sir.
- Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have too.
- Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--
- Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.
- Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.
- Leela: Gimme the script
- Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
- Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
- Amy: There. How do I look?
- Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
- Amy: French?
- Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.
- Amy: There aren't any copies left.
- Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.
- Lrrr: Attention McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!
- Fry: Way to overact, Zoidberg!
Fry and the Slurm Factory[edit]
- [Bender feels sick]
- Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.
- Bender: I'm 40% zinc!
- Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.
- Professor Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!
- [Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]
- Bender:[gasps] That's no lady!
- Trans-bot: Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why do have to be so stupid, Stupid?
- Bender: Hey bite my shiny metal ass!
- Trans-bot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [snaps fingers and walks away]
- Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself!
- Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.
- Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!
- Bender: What should we try it on first?
- Fry: Try it on me [Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body] ow, my sperm!
- Bender: I'll try it again [He does so]
- Fry: Huh. Didn't hurt that time
- Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty
- Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
- Glurmo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
- Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
- Glurmo: There will be no further questions!
- Fry: [Raises his hand] Why?
- Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!
- Fry: When will that be?
- Glurmo: Soon enough.
- Fry: That's not soon enough!
- Grunka-Lunka song:
- Grunka-Lunkas: Grunka-Lunka dunkety doo
- We've got a friendly warning for you
- Grunka-Lunka dunkety dasis
- The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis
- Asking questions in school is a great way to learn
- If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke
- We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm
- It could easily happen again to you, folks
- So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut
- Grunka Lunka Lunka dunkety dutt!
- Leela: What's behind that door? Is it the secret ingredient?
- Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety dingredient
- You should not ask about the secret ingredient!
- Bender: [Angrily] Okay, okay, we get the point!!
- Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
- Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety darmed-guards...
- Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Season 2[edit]
I Second That Emotion[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.
- Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?
- Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you!
- Leela: No. We're on the top.
- Fry: Daylight and everything.
- Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
- Bender: Meh.
- Calculon: Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't sugar-coat it.
- DoctorBot: All right. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home, and you have inoperable cancer.
- Bender: [laughs hysterically] Bet you didn't expect that one, Calculon!
- Leela: Are you alright?
- Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.
- Leela: Not you. [She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.] Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.
- [She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]
- Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it!
- Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming.
- Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party.
- Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler!
- Leela: Just make a simple cake, and this time if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.
Brannigan, Begin Again[edit]
- Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.
- Fry: We don't have a brig.
- Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".
- [Later]
- Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes?
- Zapp Brannigan: Take them to the laundry/brig!
- Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?
- Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
- Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.
- Zapp Brannigan: My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
- Kif Kroker: What?
- Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged
- Zapp Brannigan: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.
- Neutral President's Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?
- Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe.
- Neutral President's Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.
- Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".
- Zapp Brannigan: Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.
- Leela: I never loved you.
- Zapp Brannigan: I meant physically. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually?
- Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things.
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif might!
A Head in the Polls[edit]
- Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
- Prof. Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Look here, you drugged-out communist! I paid for this body, and I'd no sooner return it than my Cocker-Spaniel dog, Checkers.
- Checker's Head: Arf!
- Richard Nixon's Head: SHUT UP, DAMMIT!!!
- Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates... Puny human no. 1, puny human no. 2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family?
- Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon with charisma? My god, I could rule the universe!
- Richard Nixon's Head: NIXON'S BACK!!
- Morbo: All hail our gargantuan, cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.
- Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money!! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!
- Prof Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
- Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!
- Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
- Bender: No! I sold my body.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.
- Jack Johnson: It's time for someone who has the courage to stand up and say, I'm against those things that everybody hates!
- John Jackson: Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But quite frankly... I agree with everything he just said!
- Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.
- [The man is in a library amongst the bookshelves]
- Man: Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. [His glasses break.] It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. [His eyes fall out] It's not f-- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille. [His hands fall off and he screams. Then his tongue falls out and finally his head comes off.] Hey, look at that weird mirror!
- Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel!
- Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.
Xmas Story[edit]
- Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!
- Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsleders.
- Fry: Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.
- Hermes: A true inspiration for the children.
- Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.
- Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
- Bender: Lets face it, comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy! Ha ha ha, that's funny.
- Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
- Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
- Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.
- Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.
- Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass!
- Fry: Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you.
- Robot Santa: You dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds.
- Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
- Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!
- [the Planet Express crew are relaxing at the ski lodge]
- Fry: It really puts you in the Christmas mood.
- Prof. Farnsworth: What-mas?
- Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.
- Leela: Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".
- Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.
- Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!
- Prof. Farnsworth: [spoken] Now let's all of us shut up and sing!
- Amy: [singing] He knows when you are sleeping,
- Prof. Farnsworth: [singing] He knows when you're on the can,
- Leela: [singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] Oh,
- Hermes: [singing] You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,
- Bender: [singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.
- Fry: [singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!
- [Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone!
- Fry: Girls like swarms of lizards, right?
Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?[edit]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species: fatal or non-fatal?
- Fry: Fatal.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [To Bender] Large bet on myself in round one.
- [Dr. Zoidberg is attempting to woo Edna, with help from Fry.]
- Fry: Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [to Edna] I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. [to Fry] Fry, that doesn't make sense.
- Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay.
- Fry: Tell her she looks thin.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?
- Edna: Why yes! Thanks for noticing.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [to Fry] Now what?
- Fry: Ask her how her day was.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know that?
- Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway!
- Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason...
- [Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm]
- Fry: YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!
- [after the "Frenzy" has finished]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Now how am I going to get rid of my male jelly?
- Fry: I'll lend you this. [Waves severed arm]
- Prof. Farnsworth: We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
- Fry: Oh, baby! I'm THERE!
- Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
- Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll!
- Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.
- Fry: "Sack"?
- Amy: And Bender, your beer belly is so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense.
- [Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]
- Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
- Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.
- Fry: Hey, I can any girl I want anytime I want! I'm just too busy.
- [He plays with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. He snarls and starts to untie it.]
- Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!
- Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.
- Fry: Ah, futuristic!
- Amy: [To Leela] Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering.
- Leela: Those poor 20th century women.
- [Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]
Lesser of Two Evils[edit]
- Voice on T.V.: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?
- Bender: Shut up and get to the point!
- Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom?
- Bender: I can explain: It's very valuable.
- Fry: My girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. And she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.
- Leela: Fry, remember what we said about ending your stories a sentence earlier?
- [Fry, Leela, and Bender are riding in the car with Fry behind the wheel. The car suddnenly crashes and the airbags go off.]
- Bender: Uhg...I think I got whiplash.
- Leela: You can't have whiplash. You don't even have a neck.
- Bender: I meant Ass-whiplash.
- Fry: I'm just glad we hit something, I thought we'd never stop.
- [Everyone gets out of the car, and are shocked to see a robot that looks like Bender]
- Flexo: Ugh...I think I got whiplash. [faints]
- Fry: How's that robot I ran over?
- Farnsworth: We did all we could...
- Fry: You mean he's...?
- Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes!
- Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
- Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.
- Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
- Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.
- Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
- Fry: Flexo outranks me?
- Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!
- Leela: Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?
- Fry: I didn't find him ten minutes ago, so I thought it was time to check again.
- Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.
- [Everyone exchanges worried glances with one another. In his bedroom, Farnsworth sits on his four-post bed and the staff and Flexo gather around]
- Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you
- [Everyone climbs on and Farnsworth presses a button and makes the curtains around the bed close. What goes on inside is hidden from view.]
- Farnsworth: Feast your eyes on this!
- [Everyone gasps.]
- Leela: It's beautiful!
- Amy: And huge!
- Fry: Can I touch it?
Put Your Head on my Shoulders[edit]
- Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
- Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!
- Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
- Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."
- Bender: She is well traveled... and I don't mean she travels a lot.
- Fry: Sorry, I'm not here to buy.
- Car Dealer: I understand. But it's wonderful that you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.
- Fry: I care! I care plenty! But I just don't know how to make them stop!
- Car Dealer: One word: Thundercougarfalconbird.
- Bender: Congratulations, Fry! You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she probably has got other characteristics...
- Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.
- Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!
- Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.
- Prof. Farnsworth: I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon on your chest, to crush those who disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people.
- Bender: Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender.
- Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.
- Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?
- Leela: No, you didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!
- Bender: True. But, in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?
- Leela: Yeah.
- Fry: I guess so.
- Amy: Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's!
- Zapp Brannigan: Cheers!
- "Woman": [with five o'clock shadow] Cheers!
- [Later]
- Sal: Anybodys else for Nutley?
- [Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date also leaves.]
- Zapp Brannigan: Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise.
- Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I -
- [cut to a judge banging his gavel]
- Judge: $500 and time served.
- Bender: [with a gold tooth] Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man!
- Fembot: Bender, honey, we love you.
- Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it!
- Amy: OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.
- Fry: Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?
- Amy: What business is it of yours?
- Fry: And another thing: You're using an awful lot of make-up there.
- Amy: This is deodorant.
- Fry: What does it do?
- Fry: Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women!
- Amy: With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman.
- Fry: Oh! Oh...
- Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
- Fry: Can I live without it?
- Zoidberg: If you call that living.
Raging Bender[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!
- George Foreman: As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.
- Rich Little: No argument here.
- George Foreman: This seems as good a time as any to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth!
- Hermes: [With a brain-slug attached] Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet.
- Zoidberg: What are we doing to do there?
- Hermes: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.
- [After finding out that Master Fnog is the trainer of Destructor]
- Leela: Come on, Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you how to fight like a girl.
- Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu...
- Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!
- Zoidberg: I'm going to a movie...with friends!
- Billionaire Bot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces-Processor.
- Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling!
- Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro-wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.
- Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy!
- Bender: It is?
- Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner.
- Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
- Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely.
- Announcer: You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender!
- [The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding a pink phone.]
- Bender: [girly voice] I'm a real toughie!
- Announcer: Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!
- [The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone]
- Destructor: I will destroy you! [He hangs up then picks up again.] And stop calling me!
A Bicyclops Built For Two[edit]
- [Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]
- Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.
- Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.
- [He hands Bender the money.]
- Bender: So, how 'bout them Knicks?
- Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?
- Bender: [sarcastically] Is the Space Pope reptilian?
- Bender: [singing] I like stealing, I like taking things.
- Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye... who ISN'T a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.
- [the gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]
- Bender: Behold... the Internet!
- Fry: My God! It's full of ads!
- [on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]
- Amy Wong: Hey! That's me!
- Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.
- [Leela looks inside]
- Leela: Hey!
- Fry: Leela, you have to get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop where I stand like an animal in the zoo.
- Leela: Animals go on the corner.
- Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through.
- Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.
- Fry: Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back?
- Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell in the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
- Leela: Come on, Al. Can't you let the little guy out?
- Alcazar: Geez, Leela! Twice in one day? I'm not Superman!
- Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself.
- Leela: [She sniffs her glove.] They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go.
- Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?
- Bender: He's a saint!
- Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you.
- Alcazar: What's that?
- Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?
- Everyone: WOOOOO!
- Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff?
- Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela!
- Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!
- Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need: Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.
- Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!
A Clone of My Own[edit]
- Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius' wiener before?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about!
- Cubert Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far.
- Cubert: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.
- Bender: That's a complete load!
- Cubert: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait...that's not good news at all!
- Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump?
- Fry: Because you're too ugly to be a wart.
- Prof. Farnsworth: [Is showing Cubert some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
- Cubert: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
- Translator Machine: Bonjour!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!
- Prof. Farnsworth: [being escorted away by a Sunset Squad robot] Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp! Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. [the robot groans] Cruel though they may be, I-- [the rather fed-up robot abruptly picks up Farnsworth and carries him away.]
- Fry: Try waking him up by shocking him!
- Bender: Your social security check is late! Things cost more than they used to! Young people use curse words!
How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back[edit]
- [Hermes is threatening to jump off a building.]
- Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!
- Bender: Do a flip!
- Professor Farnsworth: If you're going to jump, Hermes, do something that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know!
- Leela: Don't, Hermes! You have so much to live for!
- Bender: I get it: reverse psychology
- Number 1.0: Don't quote regulation to me! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation is in. We kept it gray.
- Number 1.0: Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!
- Morgan Proctor: Naturally I have to assign someone to fill in for Hermes while he's gone. I assign me. I accept. Welcome aboard
- Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this cap?
- Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all.
- Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?
- Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
- Fry: I'll play.
- Bender: I'm in!
- Hermes: [a letter comes in on the mail tube] Great gorilla of Manilla! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy. "Attention, Hermes Conrad. You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy." [Another letter comes in] Oh, my God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!
- Hermes: Sweet someting of... someplace.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver.
- Prof. Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.
- Leela: Then we'll need a guide, someone who's been there before.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times. [laughs maniacally]
- Hermes: [Spoken] Requisition me a beat!
- [Number 1.0 plays some music]
- Hermes: [Singing]
- When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,
- With a foot and a half of water,
- Everyone was alright but I cried all night,
- It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,
- And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,
- Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"
- I made my friends and relations file long applications,
- To get into my 10th birthday party.
- LaBarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro.
- Hermes: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
- LaBarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.
- Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing! People!
- We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,
- No, that's what almighty Jah made us,
- We treat people like swine,
- And make 'em stand in line,
- Even if nobody paid us!
- They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,
- They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,
- But when push comes to shove,
- You gotta do what you love,
- Even if it's not a good idea.
- Zoidberg!
- Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.
- Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.
- Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]
- Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.
- Hermes: Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]
- All: Jamaica!
- Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!
- Bureaucrats: Jamaica!
- Hermes: The grade 19's!
- Morgan Proctor: Jamaica.
- [Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]
- Hermes: Sing me home!
- When push comes to shove,
- You gotta do what you love,
- Even if it's not a good idea!
- [He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]
- Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!
The Deep South[edit]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Ah the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean, this seems the logical place for fish to congregate.
- Bender: So we're in international waters?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed so.
- Bender: [on walkie-talkie] Falcon this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested, repeat, the goose has nested.
- [A speed boat pulls up and the driver and Bender exchange briefcases. Then the boat drives away.]
- Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.
- [Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]
- Fry: I can't swallow that.
- Professor Farnsworth: Well, then good news! It's a suppository.
- Bender: Let's hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.
- [Whilst underwater]
- Zoidberg: Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?
- Hermes: That's a very good question...
- Bender: Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!
- Hermes: ...That just raises further questions!!
- [Bender and Fry talk about the size of a fish they used to caught]
- Leela: You're both out of your league, boys. Because right now, you're looking at a girl who owns her own harpoon.
- Bender: Harpoon my ass. [snickers]
- Leela: Okay. [Throws harpoon into Bender's rear end]
- Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived!
- Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.
- Hermes: Dream on, woman! I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river, and hurl the river into space, but I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies!
- Hermes: My Manwich!
- Hermes: The important thing is that we don't panic! There are rules for situations like this! Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice Lobster Zoidberg. I mean, Lobster Newburg. I mean - Doctor Zoidberg.
- Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? There's all kinds of weird sea creatures here in the future, like Dr. Zoidberg!
- Prof. Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository...
- Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness or I'm drunk or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.
- Leela: [whispers to Farnsworth] Ocean madness.
- [Fry storms out]
- Prof. Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.
- Bender: Ahoy, mateys. I shanghaied us some hearthy grog. [he tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water] Arrgh, the laws of science be a harsh mistress.
- Leela': Ah, the sun, the sea air, good friends...
- Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. What do we say we make it interesting? Everyone kick in five bucks.
- [they all give Bender five bucks; he pockets the money]
- Bender: Now, wasn't that interesting?
- Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean. Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, that they moved offshore, becoming an island, and an even bigger delta hub. Until the city overdeveloped, and began to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away. Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the man who invented Coca Cola, the magician, and the other gods of our legends. Though gods they were - and also, Jane Fonda was there - the others chose to stay behind in their porches with their rifles, and in time evolved into mermaids, and sing and dance, and ring in the new...
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure!
- Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere between zero and one.
Bender Gets Made[edit]
- Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!
- Don-Bot: File not found.
- Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. (gives Joey and Clamps each a tank of gasoline) Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
- Bender: (With Brooklyn Accent) Uh, Donnie, baby. Youse guys skedaddle. Let me handle the doity wok.
- Don-bot: Blotto, I like your style, and your latest accent.
- Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar! Aww, this is the greatest nanosecond of my life! No, this one is! No, this one. Wait! That one was... slightly worse. Ah! So far so good on this one!
- Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
- Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.
- Dr. Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated.
- [The ship takes off, damaging the roof.]
- Hermes: [to Zoidberg] That's coming out of your pay!
- [Zoidberg cries.]
- Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen! Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?
Mother's Day[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!
- Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!
- Bender: Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
- Greeting Card: No! The kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires!
- Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!
- Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
- Prof. Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.
- Hermes: Help! My stapler is collating me alive!
- Amy: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?
- Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.
- Hermes: Impossible!
- Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.
- Leela: Never heard of it.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."
- Hermes: Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.
- Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall!
- Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! - Walt! How are we disposing of those crap gifts they brought me?
- Walt: They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.
- Mom: False hope! I love it!
- Greeting Card: Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression.
- Greeting Card: The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.
- Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers.
- Prof. Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter?
- Mom: You should see the new 16-foot models.
- Prof. Farnsworth: 16 feet?! Go to hell!
The Problem With Popplers[edit]
- Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having it!
- Free Waterfall Jr.: Pssh! You can't own property, man!
- Professor Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie!
- Poppler Song:
- Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's
- What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows
- You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em
- If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.
- Zapp Brannigan: I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.
- Leela: Go consummate yourself.
- Free Waterfall Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.
- [Bender throws a brick at him]
- Free Waterfall Jr.: Ow!
- Bender: Okay, we won't eat you.
- Leela: I'll go get some more bricks
- Fry: Let's bring back a few pocketfuls.
- Bender: Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful.
- Leela: No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship.
- Farnsworth: My God, they're back! We're doomed!
- Amy: Doomed!
- Bender: [Deep inhale] DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....
- Bender: Who wants some dolphin?
- Amy: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent!
- Bender: Not this one. He blew his life savings on lottery tickets
- Leela: Great, we're two days from Earth with no food!
- Bender: Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser! [To Leela.] Work his gut, I like it tender.
- Linda: Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela.
- Fry: "Turanga"?
- Amy: That's her name, Philip.
- Bender: "Philip"?
Anthology of Interest I[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me!
- Leela: Oh God, what have I done?
- Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!
- Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!
- Leela: Who are you?
- Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
- Leela: I've never seen you before.
- Scruffy: And I've never seen you before neither.
- Zoidberg: My first clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. The next clue came 3 hours later at 4:15 when I found the body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse!
- Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
- Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.
- Leela: You're blackmailing me?
- Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word; I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool.
- Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.
- Stephen Hawking: Oh, great. The universe was destroyed.
- Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we?
- Al Gore: I don't know, but I dang well know where we're not: the universe.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?
- [Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]
- Fry: Gotcha!
- Amy: Sucker!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me!
- Fry: Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came.
- Bender: I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I.
- Fry: What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?
- Dr. Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. Whatever.
War Is the H-Word[edit]
- Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!
- Henry Kissinger's Head: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
- Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.
- Zapp Brannigan: If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?
- Kif: Ugh... sexlexia.
- Zapp Brannigan: Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it as scotch on the rocks.
- Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
- Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
- Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]
- Fry: [To Bender] Wait, If you say the A-word, this planet will blow straight up to the H-word.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.
- Henry Kissinger's Head: How are you?
- Bender: Is he any good?
- Richard Nixon's Head: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.
- Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
- Zapp Brannigan: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?
- Kif Kroker: Being your assistant.
- Zapp Brannigan: Wrong. Being your assistant.
- Zapp Brannigan: Oh, god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.
- Leela: Let's do it again sometime.
The Honking[edit]
- Bender: And until then, I can never die?
- Gypsy-Bot: Who said that? SURE you can die! [Pulls out big gun.] You want to die?!
- Bender: No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don't own!
- Calculon: I was all of history's great robot actors: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny!
- Fry: Nightrider wasn't evil!
- Calculon: No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show...
- Leela: There, no rampaging for you tonight.
- Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?
- Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.
- Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.
- Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.
- Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you think I put on this tough guy facade?
- Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!
- [The Professor moves his drink in front of the painting. The painting's eyes follow it]
- Prof. Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.
- Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...
- Robot Villager #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.
- Robot Villager #2: For example, all of us say that.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Pfft! Supersticious robot mumbo-jumbo!
- Robot Villager #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.
- Will Reader: To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune.
- Tandy: [whispers to girlfriend] Is that a lot?
- Leela: Well, good night. I'm gonna make all my meals for the next month and freeze them.
The Cryonic Woman[edit]
- Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
- Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.
- Fry: What's deathrolling?
- Black Child: It's like skateboarding.
- Punk Kid: But half the time someone dies.
- Fry: Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.
- Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
- Farnsworth: You wish! You're in Los-Angeles!
- Fry: But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.
- Leela: Exactly, you're in L.A.
- Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
- Bender: That's L.A. for you.
- Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.
- Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
- Fry: And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it.
- Michelle: Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?
- Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future.
- Amy: I'm from Mars.
- Leela: We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans.
- Fry: Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
- Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.
- Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.
- Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything!
- Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry!
Season 3[edit]
Amazon Women in the Mood[edit]
- [After the men have been sentenced to death by snu-snu.]
- Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really hoped.
- Zapp Brannigan: She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a Bistro
- Fry: We have to go save them.
- Bender: Nah, why bother?
- Fry: Bender, think of the señoritas!
- [A cord of Latin music plays]
- Bender: Vámonos!
- Zapp Brannigan: You win again, gravity!
- Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
- Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass...by biting it!
Parasites Lost[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
- Dr. Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like!
- Prof. Farnsworth: [whispers] Be very quiet. We're in the ear.
- Amy: [whispers] Okay professor.
- Prof. Farnsworth: WHAT?!
- Fry: [to Leela] What about "what"?
- Leela: Uh...What about we go for a walk because it's a lovely day, perhaps?
- Fry: Oh, okay.
- Prof. Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm colony!
- Hermes: But what about the worms in the other part of his body?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Listen, this is gonna be one Hell of a bowel movement. Afterward, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
- Fry: Leela, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time but every time I try I get nervous and my mouth feels like it's stuffed with peanut butter, even when it's not.
- Leela: What is it? Is it about Bender?
- Fry: No, it's about you and me.
- Leela: And Bender?
- Fry: Bender's not involved. Leela ... I love you.
- Leela: You do?
- Fry: Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have.
- Leela: Fry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful-- Wait, "recently?" Like since you ate that toilet sandwich?
- Fry: Yeah! I don't know why but my life really turned around that day,
- Farnsworth: Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them.
- Hermes: I call it "Caribbean Drain-o".
- Fry: Apartment 1I. The old me would have made a joke about that!
- Sal: Stands back. I’m gonna puts my moves on her. [He hoots at Leela.]
- Fry: That jerk. No one hoots at my captain unless they’re prepared to take it to the next level.
- Leela: Fry, please. That’s sweet, but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whupping.
- Sal: Yo, sexy mama! Let’s get busy and freaky, in that order.
- Fry: Hey, jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love with you?
- Sal: Eh, I’ve gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.
- Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick.
- Sal: Yeah, you’re right. She don’t gots enough meat for a guy like me.
- Fry: She does too! She’s loaded with meat! She’s got more meat than a cow!
A Tale of Two Santas[edit]
- Bender: Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?
- Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
- Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?
- Fry: I'm Santa Claus!
- Hermes: No, I'm Santa Claus!
- Amy: We're also Santa Claus!
- Dr. Zoidberg: And I'm his friend, Jesus.
- Mayor: You guys aren't Santa! You're not even robots. How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
- Fry: Alright!
- Leela: Yeah!
- [Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
- Leela: Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3!
- [Bender lands in the fireplace and the Professor shoots him with a shotgun]
- Leela: Professor, don't you remember what I told you?!
- Prof. Farnsworth: No!!
- Santa: Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.
- Bender: Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.
- Linda: In what has become a holiday tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.
- Morbo: There were no survivors.
- Linda: [Chuckles] Takes all kinds.
- Neptunian elves: We are free and fairly sober
- With so many toys to build
- The machines are kind of tricky
- Probably someone will be killed
- But we gladly work for nothing
- Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay
- Neptunian elves: The elves are back to work today
- Hooray!
- We have just a couple hours
- To make several billion gifts
- And the labor isn't easy
- Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts
- You can make the job go quicker
- If you turn up the controls to super speed
- Fry, Leela and Bender: It's back to work on Xmas Eve
- Neptunian elves: Hooray.
- Leela: And though you're cold and sore and ugly
- Your pride will mask the pain
- Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts
- Neptunian elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain
- Neptunian elves: We are getting awfully tired
- And we can't work any faster
- And we're very, very sorry
- Bender: Why you selfish little bastards!
- Do you want the kids to think
- That Santa's just a crummy empty handed jerk?!
- Then shut your yaps and back to work!
- Neptunian elves: Now it's very nearly Xmas
- And we've done the best we could
- Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted
- Leela: And they're made from inferior wood
- Bender: I should give you all a beating
- But I really have to fly
- Robot Santa: If I wasn't stuck here frozen
- I'd harpoon you in the eye
- Neptunian elves: Now it's back into our tenements
- To drown ourselves in rye
- Leela: You did the best you could I guess
- And some of these gorillas are okay
- Neptunian elves: HOORAY!
- Random elf: We're adequate!
- All: The elves have rescued Xmas Day
- Hooray!
The Luck of the Fryrish[edit]
- Young Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack! I can't wait 'til I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff!
- Fry: Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle, to carry on his spirit.
- Bender: Pay dirt! I've got the clover! Plus, his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken. Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?
- Leela: Uhh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone.
- Bender: All right, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
- Doctor: It's a boy. And look at that red hair.
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: [angry] You sayin' my boy is a Commie?
- Yancy Fry, Jr.: [two years old] I wanna be Philip. Me Philip. Me Philip.
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.
- [At the horse races]
- Hermes: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes!
- Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes.
- [Leela and Hermes are at a concession stand at the track]
- Horse D'ourves Salesman: Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cakes and shakes. We got tongue, straight from the horse's mouth.
- Hermes: It all sounds good.
- Horse D'ourves Salesman: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse "juiced-in" goodness.
- Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelet with horse-beaters.
- Horse D'ourves Salesman: And you, sir? How can I horse you?
- Hermes: I'll have a horse Coke.
- Horse D'ourves Salesman: Horse Pepsi okay?
- Hermes: Neeeiiiggghh.
- Yancy Fry, Jr: [wearing a camouflage-colored tuxedo] Thanks for lending me your tux dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding.
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style.
- Fry: Gosh, my old neighborhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts. That fire hydrant. On summers we'd light it on fire. On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter.
- Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed?
- Fry: You better believe it.
- Leela: The old comedians were right. This place is a lot different from L.A.
The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz[edit]
- Free Waterfall Sr.: If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don't wanna be right.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I'm sending you on a highly controversial mission.
- Fry: Controversial?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, no.
- Prof. Farnsworth: For this highly controversial mission you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter.
- Leela: Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Impossible! The tanker has 6,000 hulls. So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof.
- Hyperchicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.
- Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you have just got me the death penalty?
- Hyperchicken: Well I'da done better, but it's plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence.
- Bender: Oh yeah, good luck with that.
- [Bender leaves the room, revealing that the Hyperchicken is the one in jail.]
- Bender: Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?
- Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt!
- Bender: Eh, I've heard better.
- Fry: What happened?
- Dr. Zoidberg: All 6, 000 hulls have been breached.
- Fry: Oh, the fools! Why didn't they build it with 6, 001 hulls?! When will they learn?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.
- Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
- Leela: Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?
- Free Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.
- Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer... in this comic I drew.
- Dr. Zoidberg: [Grabs comic] Ooh, the new one's out!
Bendless Love[edit]
- Bender: That's right, baby, I ain't your loverboy Flexo: the guy you love so much you even love anyone pretending to be him!
- Angleyne: Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.
- Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!
- Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Hmm, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a slight delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.
- Fry: I wish! It's a nickel.
- Robots: Give us a raise you big fat jerk
- Sal: Nevers!
- Leela: My God! Even the professor is bent!
- Prof. Farnsworth: [Bent facing the floor] Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.
- Bender: Hooray! I graduated. Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending.
- Bender: Sorry I got you sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity.
- Flexo: You bastard! They treated me like an animal, and that's what I became! [laughs] Nah, you're all right. Good to see ya, buddy.
The Day the Earth Stood Stupid[edit]
- Pet Show Judge: And the grand prize winner...[monotonous] The Hypnotoad.
- [The Hypnotoad turns its powers on the crowd, making them all clap at once]
- Pet Show Judge: All glory to the Hypnotoad.
- Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb, but I proved them!
- Linda:Today, some bad things happened. One bad thing was, a train got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see? People won't be late for work though. The governor lady said, "I'm sending more trains!"
- Ken: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
- Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
- Leela: Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?
- Nibbler: And so, life returned to normal, or at least as normal as it gets in this primitive dirtball inhabited by psychotic apes. Thanks to the effects of the brain waves, the people of Earth have not memory of what had transpired, except Fry, and no one believed him or cared what he had to say. I, meanwhile, returned to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth again come under brain attack. And when that day comes, God help us. God help us all.
- Leela: Time for a diapie change.
- Nibbler: End transmission.
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet, Tweenis 12, but it mysteriously exploded.
- Leela: Why is that good news?
- Professor Farnsworth: They paid in advance.
- Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter. He forgot how you say that letter that's shaped like a man wearing a hat.
- Linda: It's a T. It goes "tuh".
- Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!
- Fry: [to the Big Brain] I'm here to kick your ass!
- Big Brain: Wishful thinking! We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses!
- Fiona: Nibblonians To nibble stations! Prepare cuddlebug for deployment in forty niblets.
- Ken: Sometimes I fear we are cute.
- Fiona: [dismissive] D'oh, niggle-snush.
That's Lobstertainment[edit]
- Bender: Calculon is gonna kill us and it's all everybody else's fault!
- Leela: It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. [gasps] The Los-Angeles Subway.
- Calculon: [upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.
- Bender: Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".
- Billy Crystal's Head: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are...
- Slurm Vending Machine: "Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation", "They Call Me Mr. Pibb", and "Snow White and the Seven-ups."
- Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?
- Waiter: Yeah.
- Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.
- Harold Zoid: People, People please, just because its a dramatic scene doesn't mean you cant do a little comedy in the background.
- Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.
- Bender: No I didn't. Raise middle finger.
- Harold Zoid: So, you want to be a comedian, is it?
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's my life long dream.
- Harold Zoid: Well, that dream dies now! You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.
The Cyber House Rules[edit]
- Amy: What are their names?
- Bender: Kids have names?
- Orphan: My name is Nina, this is Albert--
- Bender: And from now on you're all named Bender Jr.
- Morbo: So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids and they couldn't believe it -- they were delicious. But, I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!
- Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.
- Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.
- Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!
- Adlai: I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. Will you go out with me this Sunday?
- Leela: Sure!
- [Fry gasps.]
- Adlai: I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.
- Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
- Zoidberg: Damn right!
- Fry: The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.
- [Farnsworth blubbers and waves.]
- Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
- Hermes: Tally me banana.
- Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.
- [Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]
- Amy: Sploops!
- Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.
- Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?
- Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard!
- Sally: Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
- Bender: What's with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I'll get you some stupid food.
- Albert: Can we have Bender Burgers again?
- Bender: No! The cat shelter's on to me.
- Smitty: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting the weight of livestock!
- Bender (as he's being cuffed): If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!
Where the Buggalo Roam[edit]
- Singing Wind: I am Singing Wind, Chief of the Martians.
- Zapp Brannigan: Take me to your leader!
- Singing Wind: Moving along...
- Zapp Brannigan: [introducing himself] I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan at your service.
- Singing Wind: You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.
- Kif: Well, it's just really that I don't feel that--
- Zapp Brannigan: Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.
- [Amy's Buggalo, Betsy, has been following Kif and the crew]
- Zapp Brannigan: I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend Lieutenant. [Snickers]
- Kif: [Sighs] She won't leave me alone.
- Zapp Brannigan: Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!
- [A tumble weed rolls past.]
- Leela: Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system.
- Fry: Where?
- Leela: Right in front of you.
- Fry: Oh. Oh!
- Leo Wong: Anyway, make yourselves at home.
- [Dr. Zoidberg comes downstairs wearing a bathrobe]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have any more of this Dom Pérignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.
- Prof. Farnsworth: That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed. [pointing] Fry, Leela, Bender...
- Bender: [shaking fist] Damn you, old man!
- Zapp Brannigan: Now remember Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.
- Kif: Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents.
- Zapp Brannigan: Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting.
- Kif: I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.
- Amy: But you still have them, right?
- Kif: Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.
- Amy: Ah, it's a wonderful night.
- Kif: It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night.
- Amy: I can't! [She kisses him and the ground shakes.] What's that?
- Kif: Maybe we just made love
- Amy: Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.
- Kif: Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me.
- Amy: Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls?
- [They kiss. The Buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]
- Kif: Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!
Insane in the Mainframe[edit]
- Leela: OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.
- Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry?
- Leela: Fry, stay back, he's too powerful!
- Fry: Negative, bossy meat creature.
- Hermes: Don't be a hero, Fry! It's not covered in the health plan!
- Roberto: Back off! I've got hostages!
- Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!
- Smitty: Do you have any better hostages?
- Fry: Fear not. I shall assist ye.
- Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"!
- Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?
- Hermes: That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!
- Fry: I'll show ye...
- Fry: I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs cramped into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth.
- Roberto: Hey, Red. You're just in time for the hostage situation. Which side do you want to be on?
- Fry: The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass.
- Judge Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?
- Hyper-Chicken: For starters, they done hired me to represent them.
- Judge Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted!
- Fry: Let me guess. He thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.
- Unit 2013': Well, he's supposed to, but he has multiple personalities. All of them Lincoln.
- Abraham Lincoln Robot: I was born in 200 log cabins.
- Unit 2013: This is Frankie. He thinks he's a lunch room attendant, so we put him to work in the lunch room. [Loudly] How are things in the lunch room, Frankie?
- Frankie: S'okay.
- Unit 2013: Poor Frankie...
The Route of All Evil[edit]
- Bender: I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.
- Bender: We're making beer. I'm the brewery.
- Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
- Fry: No I'm ... doesn't.
- Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good.
- Dwight: What's this devices marketability? Who's the target consumer?
- Farnsworth: There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice!
- Farnsworth: This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me!
- Cubert: [Speaks into machine] Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!
- Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all, you little--!
- Leela: If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to ... from your father ... when he got home from the Senate.
- Dwight: You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you?
- Hermes: Company? [He laughs.] How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance?
- Farnsworth: Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital!
- [They laugh]
- Cubert: Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company.
- [He pulls the sheet off to reveal a red "Awesome Express" logo. Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up]
- Hermes: Welcome to the world of business.
- [He and Farnsworth kick the logo]
- Sal: Gets movings. These papers ain't gonna deliver themselveses. Only the Sunday edition can dos that.
- Cubert: How dare they call us kids? We're old enough to find the Fox network infantile.
- Bender: Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.
- Fry: How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.
- Bender: Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.
- Fry: I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.
- Bender: Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!
- Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.
Bendin' in the Wind[edit]
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic!
- Beck: You, minion. Lift my arm. [a stagehand lifts his arm] AFTER HIM!
- [As the gang are trying to escape via the Golden Gate Bridge]
- Bender: Oh no! I forgot this is a hover-bridge!
- Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hover-car!
- Fry: Is any of that a problem?
- Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret! [screams in terror]
- Bender: Fry cracked corn, and I don't care! Leela cracked corn, still don't care! Bender cracked corn and he is great! Take that you stupid corn!
- Hippie: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul.
- Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently.
- Bender: Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With real words, not phoney ones like "odelay".
- Beck: "Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary.
- Bender: No, don't you see? I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it! I'll fake it!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?
- Fry:Under the seat. [Holds up a bong]
- Bender: Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up.
- Fry: She just needs some gas.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.
- Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.
- Fry: Like what?
- Leela: Whale oil.
Time Keeps on Slippin'[edit]
- Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again, you screwed up! Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas.
- Hermes: I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!
- [Farnsworth presses a button, revealing an arsenal of doomsday weapons.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: I suppose I could part with one and still be feared…
- Prof. Farnsworth: What do you know of this?
- Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Not much yet, but I am a senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U, and I'd like to help you investigate.
- Prof. Farnsworth: You're that Bubblegum Tate?
- Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Well, I sure ain't his grandma.
- Fry: So, Leela, how about a romantic ride in one of those swan boats? They're kinda dangerous, but I finally mastered them.
- Leela: Those aren't swan boats, they're swans.
- Fry: Oh. That explains these boat eggs.
- Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg!
- Richard Nixon's Head: Now, how long will it take to build?
- Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-
- [Time skips.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Ah, there we are. One gravity pump. Powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so th-
- [Time skips. The Planet Express ship is taking off with the gravity pump attached.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Off you go, apparently.
- Fry: Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
- Prof. Farnsworth: At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday, by Wednesday it will be August, and by Thursday it will be the end of existence as we know it!
- Leela: Fry, please try to understand: you're a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.
- Linda: Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at elev...
- [time skips]
- Linda: This is the News at Eleven. The mysterious and unexplained...
- [time skips]
- Linda: Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest...
- [time skips]
- Linda: ...won three Grammys last night...
- [time skips]
- Linda: ...found dead in her bathtub.
- Leela: All right, cool your jets, hot shot.
- Fry: Come on, Leela. Why won't you go out with me? We both know there's something there.
- Leela: No, I mean cool your jets. You're melting Bender's face.
- Prof. Farnsworth: The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look.
- Boy: Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?
- [Time skip; the boy becomes a senior citizen]
- Senior Citizen: I deserve free money!
- [Fry walks to the window and presses his face against the glass. As the ship gets further away from the nebula Fry sees the stars around it form an "O" in a huge message that reads "I Love You, Leela".]
- Fry: That's how I must have done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.
- Leela: [on intercom] Detonation in three, two, one.
- Fry: No!
- [The doomsday device implodes and the nebula, the stars and Fry's message disappear. Fry stares at the empty void. Enter Leela and Bender]
- Fry: Did you see it? Did you see it?
- Bender: The explosion?
- Fry: No, not the explosion!
- Leela: Then what?
- Fry: [quietly] Nothing.
I Dated a Robot[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you.
- Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
- Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life.
- Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.
- [Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins]
- Clyde Smith: Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven! [wins again] A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in Hell!
- Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane! [unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]
- Clyde: There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!
- Cabot: Why should I believe you, you're Hitler! [pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection is indeed Hitler]
- Clyde: No! [turns to a woman sitting next to him] Eva Braun! Help me!
- [The woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly. Clyde screams]
- Bender: Eh, saw it coming.
- Fry: Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies.
- Liubot: My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts.
- Fry: Aaawww... you say the CUTEST things!
- Zapp Brannigan: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes!
- Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry is a sicko poivert, I tell ya! Dating a robot... it's an attrocimacy!
- Leela: But Fry is our friend, Bender.
- Bender: Ah, geez! Would you stifle there, meatbag?
- Leela: You stifle, Bender!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.
- [At the edge of the universe, Fry sees alternative versions of himself and his friends on the other side, dressed as cowboys]
- Fry: Far out! So there really is an infinite number of universes?
- Prof. Farnsworth: No, just the two
- Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold! To the being of inconceivable horror!
- Being of Inconceivable Horror: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! [pause] Will a money order be okay?
- Auctioneer: Yes.
- Being of Inconceivable Horror: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
- Fry: How can you guys be so blasé? Here we are in the year three-hundred-or-so, yet you're just sitting around like it's the boring time I came from.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome, and boy bands roamed the earth?
- Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
- Prof. Farnsworth: No! Why would I know that?
- Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.
- Fry: Everything?
- Leela: Except that.
- Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon, the stars, the--POETIC IMAGE #36 NOT FOUND.
A Leela of Her Own[edit]
- Bender: Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk!
- Leela: How much did you make me?
- Bender: One hundred dollars.
- [Leela is signing autographs.]
- Leela: Who am I making this out to?
- Girl: Ummm…to eBay?
- Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e", big "B"?
- Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.
- Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that.
- Leela: I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Cygnoids, in our block? Fie and foo! They should go back to where they came from!
- Leela: Professor, please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
- Prof. Farnsworth: No.
- [Leela makes a retching noise after sampling an alien's pizza]
- Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.
- Cygnoid Woman: Thank you.
- Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Why is your number 7/8?
- Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.
- Fry: Look, the players who broke the various color barriers.
- Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?
A Pharaoh to Remember[edit]
- High Priest: People of Osiris 4, please welcome a man who started as a slave but worked his way up to Lord of All Creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender!
- Bender: Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past. Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land.
- Leela: Impressive. Who's building it?
- Osiran: You.
- Leela: Say again?
- Osiran: You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards!
- [The guards grab the crew]
- Fry: Call it a hunch but I've got a bad feeling about this.
- Fry: You know what else sucks about being a slave? The hours.
- High Priest: Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey.
- Priests: [chanting] Free us from thought and responsibility.
- High Priest: We shall read things off you.
- Priests: [chanting] Then do them.
- High Priest: Your words guide us.
- Priests: [chanting] We're dumb.
- Fry: You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work all day but they don't pay you or let you go.
- Leela: That's the only thing about being a slave.
- Bender: You've convinced me life is worth living... by showing me how bad my funeral will suck!
- Osiran Slavemaster: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid building, space travel, and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
- Fry: Also, Wolfman.
- [Bender storms out and the bouquet lands in Farnsworth's lap]
- Amy': I know whose funeral we'll be attending next!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, stop.
- Fry: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life; when he was crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.
- Bender: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.
- Bender: It's what made me me.
- Bender: Danny Boy?! You're at my funeral, singing about some stiff named Danny Boy? You really are a massive bonehead!
- Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow!
- Bender: Get lost! I'd say don't quit your day job, but you're awful at that too!
Anthology of Interest II[edit]
- Bender: Being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad. [sniffs]
- Bender: Whoa, you look better than you used to for some reason.
- Amy: You're not so bad yourself, big boy. [kisses Bender]
- Bender: Hey that felt great! [kisses the Professor] Nah, it's not working anymore.
- Farnsworth: Speak for yourself.
- Bender: Hey, my antenna's gone! Nah, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it, though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little...
- Fry: Bender, no! You'll make God cry!
- Wernstrom: When did he die?
- Farnsworth: About twelve hours ago, when the party started.
- Wernstrom: But he just said "Woo!"
- Farnsworth: No, that was just air escaping from the folds of his fat. [pushes against Bender's fat]
- Bender: Woo!
- Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of Nintendu 64.
- Fry: Hey, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey.
- Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!
- Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be
- Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!
- Leela: Why did you bring us here?
- Dr. Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
- Leela: Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
- Farnsworth: What do you nice kids want?
- Zoidberg: Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.
- Farnsworth: Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
- Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.
- Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there!
- General Colin Pac-Man: Quick to the escape tunnels!
- [Fry and his friends follow Pac-Man into the Pac-Man maze "wakka wakkaing"]
- Pac-Man: This way, dammit!
- [Zoidberg eats Pac-Dots]
- Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [A cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!
- [Zoidberg eats cherry then charges towards Fry]
- Fry: Hey! Watch out! [He gets eaten by Zoidberg]
- Zoidberg: Uh oh.
- Leela: Oh, my God. He ate Fry. Fry is dead!
- [Fry walks behind them]
- Fry: Its OK. I had another guy.
- Pac-Man: Its working! Victory is assured! My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter.
- [Pac-Man gets shot by a space invader, cause a chunk out of Pac-Man to fall off]
- Pac-Man: [screams] I'm hit! [sobs] So cold!
- [Pac-Man dies by folding up & disappearing as Ms. Pac-Man comes in]
- Ms. Pac-Man: NOOOO!
- Fry: Amy. Tend to the widow Pac-Man.
- Ms. Pac-Man: [crying] Wakka wakka wakka!
Roswell That Ends Well[edit]
- Prof. Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!
- Fry: But existing is basically all I do!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela! Let's just steal the dish and get back to our own time.
- Fry: But won't that change history?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oooh, a lesson in not changing history from "Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa"!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Your grandfather?! Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past! Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God, don't not do it!
- President Truman: Whistlin' Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.
- General: But Sir, that's where we are building the fake moon landing site.
- President Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon! Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!
- Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll axe you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?
- Salesman: Sir, your wife is hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news! You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.
- [Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire]
- Prof. Farnsworth: [to salesman] Women!
- General: What's your purpose?
- Zoidberg: Alright, officer, I'll move it along.
- Military Official: What the general means is, why did you come to Earth?
- Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.
- Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.
- Bender: Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.
- Fry: I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.
- Fry: She sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away.
- Enos: Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling you're only going with girls 'cause you're supposed to?
- Fry: What?! Don't ever, ever say or think that again!
- Prof. Farnsworth: What the hell have you done, Fry?
- Fry: Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!
- Mildred: [wearing glasses and knitting] Come back to bed, deary.
- Fry: [screams] It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious?
- [Fry shakes his head.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: You are!
Godfellas[edit]
- Bender: You know, I was God once.
- God Entity: Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died.
- God Entity: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.
- Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
- God Entity: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
- Leela: Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do, but you can't bring him back this way! It's hopeless!
- Fry: You can't give up hope just because it is hopeless! You gotta hope even more, and cover your ears, and go: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"
- Leela: Well, you obviously won't listen to reason... So I guess I'll listen to idioticness and come with you.
- Bender: O' cruel fate, to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones - it bones for thee.
- Bender: That galaxy is signaling in binary. I should signal back, but I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. You speak English?
- God Entity: I do now.
- [Prof. Farnsworth is searching for Bender with his Smelloscope]
- Leela: Anything yet, professor?
- Prof. Farnsworth: I'm afraid the Smelloscope can't locate Bender. His fragrance is too mild. It's being overwhelmed by local sources.
- [Everyone looks at Zoidberg]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me.
- Bender: So do you know I'm going to do something before I do it?
- God Entity: Yes.
- Bender: What if I do something else?
- God Entity: Then I don't know that.
- Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.
- Bender: Of course they go unheeded! How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?
- Fry: Hmm...finding God. That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend Bender.
- Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than... absolutely not! Sure, your loss is a tragedy, but our work...
- Fry: Come on, you guys have forever to look for God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.
- Monk #2: He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.
- Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A way of looking for God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!
- Leela: Oh, no, the monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.
- Fry: Do we have to? They're monks, after all. I'm sure their God will let them out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.
- Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so Himself. Now, come on. If we don't free those monks, no one will.
- Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do?
- Father Changstein el Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer.
- Fry: Uh-huh, but is there anything useful we can do?
- Father Changstein el Gamahl: No.
Future Stock[edit]
- Defrosted Neanderthal: As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I faced different challenges. [crying] The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum.
- That Guy: There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone who is a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Errr, excuse me... which is the one people like to hug?
- That Guy: Gutsy question. You're a shark.
- Professor Farnsworth: I'll ruin you like I ruined this company!
- Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?
- Hermes: The shares were worthless, and he kept asking for toilet paper!
- Professor Farnsworth: This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more of a source of cheap labour, like a family.
- Hermes: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral!
- That Guy: Switzerland is small and neutral! We're more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!
- Amy: Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?
- Leela: We haven't made a single delivery since you took over!
- That Guy: Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business!
- Scruffy: Now hold on there. Scruffy votes his forty thousand shares for the mysterious stranger.
- Leela: Forty thousand? How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us?
- Scruffy: Scruffy believes in this company. [Sniffles]
- Leela: Oh my god! I'm a millionare! Suddenly I have an opinion on the capital gains tax!
- That Guy: Hairgel?
- Fry: No thanks. I make my own.
- Mom: [Watching Fry moon her] You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button!
- [Walt searches for the button]
- Mom: Press any button! They all retaliate!
- That Guy: Everyone's fired and we're out of business! [the Planet Express crew protest] I'm going to sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors!
- Mom: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.
- [eats the old rotten sandwich in his hand]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, I'm ruined!
The 30% Iron Chef[edit]
- [Dr. Zoidberg has broken the professor's ship-in-a-bottle.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg fixes it... then perhaps gifts!
- Bender: I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up. Uhh... also, comes with double prize money.
- Koji: Ironu... Cookuru!
- Morbo: So, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?
- Elzar: Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice, unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney.
- Morbo: Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!
- Helmut Spargle: [after tasting Bender's first meal] It is... acceptable.
- Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at. Wait, why'd you stopped eating, master?
- Helmut Spargle: Because, my stomach is about to explode.
- Bender: If it's chicken, chicken a la king. If it's fish, fish a la king. If it's turkey, fish a la king.
- Fry: Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings but this food actually tastes better as vomit!
- Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to have my tongue removed?
- Morbo: Welcome back. Our next guest has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently my, uh, wife hasn't been listening. I will destroy her!!!
- Helmut Spargle: You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste, your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavor. You could become the greatest chef ever.
- Bender: I could?
- Helmut Spargle: Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf.
- Bender: Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands.
Season 4[edit]
Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch[edit]
- Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
- Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!
- Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone who was invited is here.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg.
- Amy: Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.
- Kif: Yes, I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC.
- Amy: You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there, you could drop me off on the way!
- Prof. Farnsworth: We could but we won't. It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine! If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome!
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.
- Evil Lincoln: Real holographic simulated Evil Lincoln is BACK!!!
- Kif: Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No Glove, No Love".
- Leela: Wow, this is all so confusing.
- Zapp Brannigan: Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? [crying] Stop testing our love!
- Leela: There goes my DNA. What a disgusting and beautiful process.
- Fry: That's birth for you.
- Kif: Well, we've given them a great start, Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.
- Amy: I'll be ready then.
Leela's Homeworld[edit]
- Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy!
- Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
- Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
- Fry: Just remember that people care about you.
- Leela: I know.
- [They both look up at the stars.]
- Leela: Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I look up at the sky and I get this feeling that somewhere, on some unknown planet, circling a distant star, my parents are up there, looking down on me.
- [Pan down to a drain under Fry and Leela where from the sewers a pair of Cyclopses look up at Leela.]
- Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.
- Fry: What does it taste like?
- Hermes: Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.
- Hermes: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.
- Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.
- Fry: Isn't there anything more you can tell me?
- Warden Vogel: Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
- Fry: That is impossible, because my time is worthless.
- [Leela emerges from the mutagenic lake with an octopus on her head]
- Leela: The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here?
- Octopus: It worked for me. I used to be a little blonde girl named Virginia.
- Fry: Leela, don't shoot!
- Leela: But they killed my parents!
- Fry: Close.
- [Fry removes the hoods from the mutants, revealing that they are in fact Cyclopses]
- Leela: They are my parents.
Love and Rocket[edit]
- [Bender and Planet Express Ship are arguing over using tax money to fund controversial art.]
- Bender: Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers?
- Planet Express Ship: Ugh, it's filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we're at it?!
- Bender: Why not indeed?!
- Leela: Bender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm going to come back there and change your opinions manually!
- Planet Express Ship: I saw you at Elzar's with those two "ladies of the evening." Explain that.
- Bender: Okay, I like a challenge. [thinks for a second] Ah! I got it. I'm going to be completely honest with you, Planet Express Ship. Those women you saw me with were my accountants.
- Planet Express Ship: Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true. So I will!
- Gwen: Knowing which pickup lines fizzle, and which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology!
- Robot Dummy A: Is heaven missing an angel? Because you've got nice cans!
- (Test subject eyes dummy in annoyance)
- Robot Dummy B: My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.
- (Test subject brings the dummy into a deep embrace)
- Leela: Does that dummy have a brother?
- Ndnd: What is this emotion you humans call "wuv?"
- Lrrr: Surely it says "love."
- Ndnd: No, "wuv," with an earth w. Behold.
- Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!
- Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.
- Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
- Leela: Check.
- Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
- Ndnd: Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
- Planet Express Ship: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pajama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?
- Bender: Yep, mind-numbingly interesting.
- Planet Express Ship: I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.
- Lucy Liu: [Inside Bender's compartment] Who are you talking to?
- Bender: No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only woman for Bender.
- Lucy Liu: I love y... [Bender closes door on her]
- Dr. Zoidberg: [voice-over] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!
Less Than Hero[edit]
- Leela: Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor.
- Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
- Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You'd think it would be something you'd have to freebase.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news anyone! The Swedish robot from pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody! The super-collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.
- Leela: I'm getting a one-day pass for my parents from city hall.
- Hermes: While you're there, can you get me a license to kill?
- Leela: Sure. Fire arms of bare hands?
- Hermes: Which one does piano wire fall under?
- Fry: When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy?
- Leela: To have parents.
- Fry: Whatever. The correct answer is, to be a superhero!
- [Fry and Leela test out their superpowers]
- Leela: Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?
- Fry: Hey, Zoidberg! Get in here!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Screw you!
- Leela: Ain't got that.
- Fry: Nope
- Leela: We have to keep our secret identities secret!
- Fry: From everybody?
- Leela: Especially from everybody!
- Fry: Give several reasons why.
A Taste of Freedom[edit]
- Nixon's Head: In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms.
- Fry: Anyone who laughs is a communist!
- [Old Man Waterfall takes a stand against the Decapodian Mobile Oppression Palace.]
- Old Man Waterfall: You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit!
- [He is crushed.]
- Old Man Waterfall: Aagh, my spirit! Urrgh!
- Old Man Waterfall: That's right, I'm a polygamist.
- Crowd: Boo!
- [later]
- Supreme justice: And, in a rare double-whammy, we also find polygamy to be constitutional.
- Crowd: Boo!
- Old Man Waterfall: I can't wait to tell my husband!
- Crowd: (louder) Boo!
- Fry: Wow! Nude hot-tubbing - that's all I need to hear about Freedom Day!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Then consider the following lecture a bonus.
- Richard Nixon's Head: My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening. We're free to chose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in. And if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a week with the Pain Monster.
- The Pain Monster: See you April 15th, folks!
- Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave humanity?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!
- Leela: Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You might even find the image of it festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to Freedom of Expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution!
- Richard Nixon's head: Is that so? Well, I happen to know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat!
- [Cut to the U.S. Supreme Court]
Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV[edit]
- Leela: As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten just because of what they see on TV.
- Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.
- Announcer: [on TV] We now join America's most popular show already in progress, Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.
- [The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except sit, hypnotising his audience]
- Fry: This show's been going downhill since season three.
- Bender: Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?
- Bender: I got ants in my butt, and I needs to strut!
- [Cubert and Dwight have been watching Bender on television]
- Cubert: Hey dad, bite my shiny metal ass!
- Professor: What?! Such an action would be extremely uncomfortable for both of us!
- Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!
- Fry: Yay, Bender!
- Leela: We demand Bender!
- Calculon: However, you've got the job.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
- Hermes: That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.
- Fry: What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.
- Dr. Zoidberg: That was uncanny.
- Leela: Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There are a lot of professional child robots here.
- Fry: Look, there's Macaulay Cul-kon.
- Leela: He's just not cute since he had puberty installed.
- Hermes: Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.
- Cubert: What was it?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.
- Dwight: So, should we turn it off now?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Well, uh, that depends what's on.
- Fry: Nothing good.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Ah, let's just keep watching.
Jurassic Bark[edit]
- Fry: Wow. They discovered an intact 20th century pizzeria. Just like the one I used to work at.
- Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.
- Fry: You can see how I lived before I met you.
- Bender: You lived before you met me?!
- Fry: Yeah, lots of people did.
- Bender: Really?!
- Crowd: What do you want?
- Fry: Fry's dog!
- Crowd: When do you want it?
- Fry: Fry's dog!
- Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you.
- Bender: That's impossible!
- Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy commencing two hour yipping session.
- [Robo-Puppy does so. Bender, frustrated, kicks it across the room where it hits the wall and falls to the ground]
- Robo-Puppy: [as a siren begins to wail out] Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
- Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
- Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
- Bender: But that's a good thing. "Walkin' On Sunshine" sucks noodles.
- Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him... I'll never forget him...
- [He picks up the fossil and looks into its apparent eyes]
- Fry: But he forgot me a long, long time ago...
- [He kisses his dog on the head, places him on the broken machine, casts a last look of good-bye, and leaves]
- Fry: I have a pizza here for Seymour Asses.
- Man: There isn't anybody by that name here. Or anywhere. I hope in time you realize how stupid you are.
- Fry: I wouldn't count on it.
- Leela: Acting like a moron won't solve anything.
- Fry: Then all hope is lost!
- Bender: Robo-Puppy, lick my cheek.
- Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek. (It's tongue comes out) Robo-Puppy commencing cheek-licking. Licking in progress. Licking complete.
- Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature... because I love you... not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, and a human loves a dog, and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty
Crimes of the Hot[edit]
- Al Gore: My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book "Earth in the Balance," and the much more popular "Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth," we need to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards.
- Dark Wizard in the Audience: Sure, blame the wizards!
- Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips
- Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.
- Morbo: WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!
- Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm!
- Truck: Calling all scientists, calling all scientists!
- Scientist: I've got a degree in homeopathic healing!
- Truck: You've got a degree in baloney! [sprays him with water]
- Prof. Farnsworth: A billion robots' lives are going to be extinguished! Ooh, the Jedis are going to feel this one...
- Bender: Look, I love life and all its pleasures as much as anyone...except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot! But we need to be shut off... especially you, Hedonism Bot!
- Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!
- Randy: They called me crazy for building this ark.
- Randy's Partner: You ARE crazy. You filled it with same sex animal couples.
- Randy: Hey, there are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.
- Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice, like some outer space Motel 6!
- Leela: Completely out of ice?
- Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.
- Wernstrom: Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated. Now for your part of the bargain.
- Richard Nixon's head: Aroo! Very well. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now.
- Headless body of Spiro Agnew: Rrrrrrr!
- Richard Nixon's head: For saving Earth and foiling me, I proudly yet angrily present you with our new highest honor: the Polluting Medal of Pollution.
- Linda: With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing a sudden case of global warming.
- Morbo: Morbo is pleased but sticky.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? Is a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [pause] I don't hear any gasping.
- Leela: We all figured that out.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Aw...
- Documentary Narrator: Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean now and again.
- Suzie: Just like daddy puts in his drink every morning. Then he gets mad.
- Documentary Narrator: Of course, because the greenhouse gasses are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time, thus solving the problem once and for all.
- Suzie: But...
- Documentary Narrator: Once and for all!
Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
- Professor Farnsworth: But I like being old. I don't have to talk to my parents, no one asks me to help move their stuff, I don't need to understand today's "edgy" TV sitcoms
- Professor Farnsworth: Fifty-three years old? Oh... now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultraporn!
- Professor Farnsworth: With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!
- [While looking for the gargoyle Pazuzu, Farnsworth stops at a diner in Florida]
- Bender: Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?
- Professor Farnsworth: It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.
- Fry: What about your gargoyle?
- Professor Farnsworth: The wha?
- Mandy: So this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer?
- Fry: They're onto me.
- Fry: We miss the turn. We'll never catch up.
- Leela: Yes we will. This pipe goes under Planet Express, and it's 9:00 PM.
- [cut to Planet Express; toilet flushes]
- Professor Farnsworth: The devil take this predictable colon!
- Morris: Let's all have some tequila to celebrate!
- Leela: Dad, I'm underage!
- Morris: Oh, right. Here's a silly straw.
- [after Leela refuses the treatment to restore her age]
- Fry: Bye Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.
- Leela: [whispering] Bring beer.
- Morris: No beer until you finish your tequila!
- Heather: Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh! You sound just like my tennis instructor!
The Why of Fry[edit]
- Fry: But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.
- Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.
- Ken: You are the last hope of the universe.
- Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?
- Ken: Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.
- Fry: There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.
- Big Brain: Detecting trace amounts of mental activity, possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer.
- Ken: Does he not know?
- Nibbler: He does not know.
- Fiona: He knows not?
- Nibbler: Knows not does he.
- Male Nibblonian 2: Not he knows?
- Ken: Enough!
- Leela: We're back from the mission!
- Fry: Wh-What? You went without me?
- Bender: You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time.
- Fry: But-- But I'm the delivery boy.
- Leela: Don't worry. Everything went fine.
- Bender: Better than usual!
- Leela: We got medals!
- Nibbler: I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza.
- Mr. Panucci: One pie, nothing good on it. Name?
- Nibbler: I period C period Weinner.
- Nibbler: Do you remember some months ago when the Earth was under attack by flying brains?
- Fry: Hmmm. I remember the square-dancing stomachs, but that might have been a Mylanta commercial.
- Nibbler: Well now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving?
- Fry: Hm. Leela. But she doesn't think much of me.
- Nibbler: Ah, she must be The Other.
- Fry: What?
- [The chair starts to tip back and Fry holds the leg.]
- Nibbler: You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Vergon 6. But, if you return to the future, I will transfer to Earth to give you what help I can.
- Fry: You really think I would have had a chance with Leela?
- Nibbler: You must choose: The present or the future? To save yourself or to save Leela.
- Crowd: ...One!
- [Past Fry leans back on his chair and blows his noise maker. Future Fry blows the chair and Past Fry tumbles back into the cryo-tube which freezes him.]
- [The brains have told Fry to see what happened the night he was frozen.]
- Fry: What happened to me, Philip J. Fry, on December 31, 1999?
- Huge Brain: Clarification request! Are you the Philip J. Fry from Earth, or the Philip J. Fry from Hovering Squid World 97-A?
- Big Brain: Earth, you fat idiot!
- Leela: You may not be the most important person in the universe, but I'm really glad to see you right now.
- Fry: Then I am the most important person in the universe.
- [Leela kisses him]
- Fry: Yes!!
Where No Fan Has Gone Before[edit]
- Leonard Nimoy: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.
- William Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much.
- Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.
- Fry: Say it in Russian!
- Walter Koenig: [sigh] Ven ve voke up, ve had zese wodies.
- Fry: Eeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels"!
- Walter Koenig: No!
- Fry: [after Welshy gets electrocuted by Melllvar] WELLLLSHIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
- William Shatner: I have an idea! Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
- Leonard Nimoy: You mean Doohan?
- (both men giggle and snicker and follow up with a high-five)
- Fry: Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor.
- Walter Koenig: Not just an actor, but a well-rounded person. With my own friends and credit cards and keys.
- Star Trek Priest: ...And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship, where there would be no tribble at all.
- [Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
- Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
- Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
- [Fry beeps once]
- Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
- [Fry beeps twice]
- Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.
- [Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]
- Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...
- Fry: "Welshie"?
- Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.
- William Shatner: [Singing in his trademark style] I'm Slim Shady. Yes, I'm the real Slim Shady. All you other Slim Shadies are immitatin'. So, would the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up.
- Walter Koenig: How can anyone do a spoken word version of a rap song?
- Melllvar: He found a way.
- [Leela is now in the Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
- Zapp Brannigan: The court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.
- Leela: Go [beep] yourself.
- Fry: I am literally angry with rage!
- George Takei: You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.
- Zapp Brannigan: You mean the mass migration of Star Wars fans?
- Nichelle Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek.
- Leela: For 25 Quatloos, which villain did Kirk strand on Ceti Alpha V?
- William Shatner: KHAAAAAAAAAAN!
- Fry: Uh... Khan?
- Leela: Correct.
The Sting[edit]
- Leela: Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die.
- LaBarabra Conrad: Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up?
- Hermes Conrad: It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition: we burn his timecard. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final pay check.
- Leela: [Is lying on a table her head lying in a box] Is this some brain scanner professor?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Some sort yes. In France it is called a guillotine! [Pulls a lever]
- Leela: AAGH!!! [Gets off the table just as the knife flies down and slices the box in half] Professor!! Can't you examine my brain without removing it???!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Yes...very easily.
- Bender: All those times I said "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper "except one". Fry was that one. [sobbing] And I never told him so!
- Leela: Maybe I am freaking out a little.
- Bender: A little? You're screwier than my Aunt Rita. And she's a screw!
- Father Changstein-El-Gamal: I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.
- Hermes: Soothe us with sweet lies.
- Father Changstein: It may comfort you to know that Fry's death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels.
- [Everyone gasps]
- Leela: That proves it! Fry is alive somewhere and he's reaching me in my dreams!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Bull-pies!
- Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
- Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
- Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
- Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bender: It's not small?
- Hermes: No, no, no.
- Leela: [crying] It's all my fault! He died because of me!
- Farnsworth: [comforting] No, no, no, no, no, no. [shouting to Bender] I'm lying to make her feel better!
- [Leela cries harder.]
Bend Her[edit]
- Bender: Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
- Bender: Professor, make a woman out of me.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends.
- Professor Farnsworth: You've fallen into the final debilitating stages of womanhood.
- Olympics Commentator: Barbados Slim takes an early lead. God, I hope he wins. What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap. He's limbo-ed out of retirement and straight into my heart. I say go to hell, Barbados Slim!
- Bender: My dreams are over before they began!
- Dr. Zoidberg: [happily] Welcome to my life! [starts crying]
- Bender: Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals...
- Bender: This outfit makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes. [Uses a hammer and a chisel on Bender]
- Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals.
- Bender: [Soft voice] It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Almost done...
- Bender': [Continuing in a soft voice] If only somehow, some way...he and I could drive to Vegas pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!
- Fry: Yay, my buddy's home!
Obsoletely Fabulous[edit]
- Bender: I'm sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
- Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying!
- Bender: Robot 1-X, save my friends! And Zoidberg!
- Speaker: Presenting the woman who "Mom"-opolizes the robot industry...
- Fry: I get it!
- Speaker: MOM!
- Fry: Ohhh, now I get it!
- Prof. Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot has Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!
- Prof. Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
- [They fight]
- Farnsworth Killbot: Such senseless violence.
- Wernstrom Killbot: Come on, let's go for a paddle-boat ride.
- Bender: [downgraded to wood] Behold, my hand crafted glory! The technological world can bite my splintery, wooden ass!
- Bender: A working cartridge unit? You guys went obsolete years ago.
- Cartridge Unit: [inserts "snappy comeback" cartridge] Your mother!
The Farnsworth Parabox[edit]
[caught in the middle of an experiment gone spectacularly wrong]
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh Lordy Lou, HELP! Buddha, Zeus, God! One of you guys do something! Help! Satan, you owe me!
- Professor Farnsworth: Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.
- Bender-1: Bite my glorious golden ass!
- Leela: Uh, have you robot versions of you guys seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?
- Robo Fry: NEGATIVE. WILL-YOU-GO-OUT-WITH-ME.
- Leela: Uh, ACCESS-DENIED.
- Robo Fry: (head explodes)
- Prof. Farnsworth-1: It's the Apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.
- Leela-1: Fine, you be crummy Universe "A", and we'll be Universe "1".
- Fry-1: Yeah, or the Mongooses, that's a good team name. "The Fighting Mongooses."
- Hermes-A: Like my grammy always said, if you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself. God rest her zombie bones...
- Bender-1: This is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me. I do my best, dammit!
- [In a hippe-like universe]
- Prof. Farnsworth-420: Dig it! All you fitting in this box is like seriously freaked up!
- Prof. Farnsworth-1: Nonsense, there's a whole universe in there.
- Prof. Farnsworth-420: Dude, there's a universe in all of us.
- Amy-420: Right on, Professor Freaksworth!
- [Prof. Farnsworth-420 trys to give Farnsworth-A a flower.]
- Prof. Farnsworth-A: Get a job!
- Prof. Farnsworth: There. That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice versa.
- Leela: So, what you think you just explained to us is that–
- Prof. Farnsworth: Correct! This box contains our own universe.
- [In Universe XVII, a Roman Empire-like universe]
- Bender-1: Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe! [He opens his chest cabinet and pulls out a crock o' gold.]
- Bender-A: Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine ... if you haven't seen Pirate Universe! [He pulls out a treasure chest.]
- Bender-1: Faith and begorra!
- Prof. Farnsworth XVII: Quae?
- Amy-1: Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?
- Hermes-25: We didn't see anything ...
- [Leela-25, Hermes-25 and Fry-25 turn around. They have no eyes.]
- Hermes-25: ... ever!
Three Hundred Big Boys[edit]
- Hermes: With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!
- [Morbo's wife is adjusting his tie.]
- Morbo: Stop it, stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you!
- Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?
- Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. [snores and then wakes up] Coffee time!
- Bender: [Gets cigar out] Ah, mighty fine smokable...
- Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff, go, go, go, go, go!
- Bender: What to do, what to do. One 300 dollar hookerbot or 300 one dollar hookerbots?
- Richard Nixon's Head: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!
- [In the credits]
- Roseanne Barr: Futurama: Noun. Definition: Oh, I don't know. You just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Here's a fun definition. Idiot: Noun. You! This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.
- Hermes: Dwight, the boots only cost me 299 dollars and 99 cents. Here, you spend the penny on whatever you want.
- Dwight: Thanks, dad. I think I'll invest it on five shares of Amazon.com.
- Hermes: A risk taker. That's my boy.
- Zapp Brannigan: The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like on the battlefield, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest while I was still killing them.
- Leela: I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu.
- Whale Biologist: Well, you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist. Though personally I hate whales. Especially Mushu.
Spanish Fry[edit]
- Porno-dealing Lizard: I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later.
- Planet Express crew: Eew!
- Porno-dealing Lizard: Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?
- Ndnd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.
- Lrrr: She also liked to shut up.
- Fry: We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.
- Farnsworth: Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.
- Fry: Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
- Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.
- Dr. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that.
- [Zoidberg begins crying and hugs Leela. She breaks off from him]
- Leela: Enough with the emotions. This isn't a fat camp.
- Lrrr: One of these days, Ndnd - bang, zoom, straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!
- Professor Farnsworth: Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened?
- Fry: Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn--
- Bender: I'll say! Wooooo!
- Fry: But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good.
- Bender: That's what she said! Wooooo!
- Lrrr: Mmm, this jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
- Bender: It's used to it. Woooo!
- Fry: Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!
- Bender: (Off screen) Just like at the movie theater! Woooo!
- Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small--
- Bender: [off-screen] In this case "small"! Wooooo!
- Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn.
- Bender: As usual! Wooooo!
- [In the end credits.]
- Narrator: You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.
- [In a lab, a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]
- Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all.
- [He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door in it opens. A human male emerges from the smoke.]
- Man: It turns out it's Man
- [Dramatic incidental music.]
The Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings[edit]
- Robot Devil: This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry!
- Hedonismbot: Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera!
- Fry: But I can't play anymore!
- Zoidberg: Yes you can! The music was in your heart, not your hands!
- [Fry begins playing off-key and the audience starts booing.]
- Zoidberg: Your music is bad and you should feel bad!
- Leela: Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?
- Fry: At, uh, uh, a concert.
- Leela: Ooh, was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.
- Bender: So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?
- Leela: Yeah, it's weird; Sean was uneducated, unambitious. He was pasty and hunched--
- Fry: [quietly] Pretty boy...
- Leela: But when he played I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul. Then one day I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.
- Fry: That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch. If I could just learn to play this stupid thing.
- Bender: Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by "devil", I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat.
- [Robot Devil interrupts Fry's opera]
- Fry: Look, what do you want?
- Robot Devil: I want my hands back.
- Fry: Never!
- [Singing] A deal's a deal, even with a dirty dealer.
- Robot Devil: Very well,
- Then I'll take what I want from Leela.
- [The spotlight moves from the stage to Leela. The Robot Devil extends his arms and pulls her from her seat onto the stage.]
- Robot Devil: Leela has promised me her hand.
- Leela: Fry, you do not understand.
- [The music slows down and the spotlight narrows as Leela walks across the stage.]
- I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender, the shame, the shame,
- But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendor,
- Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender,
- He gave me mechanical ears, effective though just a bit garish,
- In return without shedding a tear, I agreed that I'd give him my hand—
- Robot Devil: In marriage!
- Leela: What?
- Robot Devil: You'd give me your hand in marriage. [He gets down on one knee. The audience watches.]
- Hermes: Is this really happening or just being staged?
- Farnsworth: It can't be real—
- Amy: Not if Leela is engaged.
- Leela: That isn't what I meant, that isn't what I signed.
- Robot Devil: You should have checked the wording in my fine...Print.
- Leela: "I'll give you my hand..."
- Leela and Robot Devil: "In marriage."
- [In the audience, Bender reads from a dictionary.]
- Bender: "The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention",
- Now...that...IS "irony".
- [The Robot Devil pulls Preacherbot out of his seat and onto the stage.]
- Robot Devil: I will marry her now and confine her to hell, how droll, how droll!
- Where Styx is a river, and not just a band,
- Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned,
- Unless, Fry, you surrender my hands!
- [Fry looks at the hands on his wrists. The spotlight narrows over him.]
- Fry: Destiny has cheated me,
- By forcing me to decide upon,
- The woman that I idolize,
- Or the hands of an automaton,
- Without these hands I can't complete,
- The opera that was captivating her,
- But if I keep them, and she marries him,
- Then he probably won't want me dating her...
- [The audience applauds and cheers.]
- Richard Nixon's Head: Arooo!
- Zapp Brannigan: Bray-vo! Enn-core!
- Farnsworth: I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.
- Dr. Zoidberg: I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!
- Preacherbot: By the power vested in me, by the state of New New York—
- Fry: No! Stop! Take my hands! You evil, metal dork!
- Leela: Please don't stop playing, Fry. I wanna hear how it ends.
Season 5[edit]
- Futurama: Bender's Big Score
- Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs
- Futurama: Bender's Game
- Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder
Season 6[edit]
Rebirth[edit]
- Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?
- Professor Farnsworth: In your time, yes, but nowadays—shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.
- Bender: Who are you, my warranty?
- Professor Farnsworth: Prepare for rebirth! [Pulls down a big switch and gets shocked by lightning. He then pulls the switch back up] Wrong switch. [walks over to a light switch and turns it on]
- Fry: Well, why is... those things?
- Prof. Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?
- Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead
- [The Hypnotoad is shown on screen.]
- Bender: [Voice over.] On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if Futurama had never been cancelled by idiots and then brought back by bigger idiots. One... two... [Snaps fingers.]
- Bender: Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma chameleon!
- Leela: There's no room for two captain's butts in this chair!
- Robot Leela: There would be if you'd have taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma!
- Zapp Brannigan: Fire all weapons and set a transmission frequency for my victory yodel.
- Hermes: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel
- Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a comedy central channel, and we're on it now.
In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela[edit]
- Fry: Does anybody else feel jealous and aroused and worried?
- Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.
- Zoidberg: Who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere?
- Zapp Brannigan: My god, we're defenceless. Like fish in a barrel.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Options?
- Zapp Brannigan: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.
- Leela: This is it. The moment we should have trained for.
- Zapp Brannigan: Mr. President, what the hell?
- Prof. Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this V-GINY
- Zapp Brannigan: I surrender and volunteer for treason!
- Fry: Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?
- Prof. Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all.
- [Farnsworth puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came XXX, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter.
- [A planet labelled "#!@€$!#%&" comes on screen.]
- Prof. Farnsworth: And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.
- Fry: You mean...
- [Fry whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so. Farnsworth slaps Fry.]
- Amy: I guess its time to indulge in some end-of-the-earth debauchery. Who's up for an orgy?
- [Later]
- Hermes: So you're saying this thing is censoring planets?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.
- Amy: [Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?
- [as Leela and Zapp have sex]
- Fry: For God's sake! Censor it! Censor it!
- V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!
- Fry: Nooooo!
- Leela: Come, Adam, and taste of my forbidden fruit.
- Zapp Brannigan: Thee will be done.
Attack of the Killer App[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.
- Leela: So long, overly-complicated Japanese toilet!
- Toilet: Please, not throw away. I give you, uh, happy poopy time!
- Fry: Sorry, you know too much.
- Clerk: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold the charge and the reception isn't very…
- Fry: Shut up and take my money!
- Bender: This looks like a good place to ditch some evidence. [Opens bin and finds Flexo inside] Flexo! What are you doing in a hazardous waste bin?
- Flexo: Didn't you hear? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun...[Bender closes bin]
- Fry: That was low, Bender, even by your standards.
- Bender: My what, now?
- Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?
- Bender: August 6, 1991.
- Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.
- Dr. Ben Beeler: The new eyePhone has an app for that.
- Bender: Does it have an app for kissing my shiny metal ass?
- Dr. Ben Beeler: Several.
- Infosiquito: This guy sure loves porno!
Proposition Infinity[edit]
- Hermes: When the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults.
- Zoidberg: Or one!
- Reverand Lionel Preacherbot: The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Back when I was full of piss and vinegar and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl ever to skip though a field of posies.
- Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... Oops! Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I'm in love with a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.
- George Takei's Head: I haven't heard a speech this eloquent since Bill Shatner told me why he couldn't pay me back.
- Bender: We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
- Hermes: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!
- Amy: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
- Hermes: We're talking about lots of stuff.
- Amy: Why do you have to be so mean to me?
- Bender: Shut up, baby. You love it.
- Amy: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?
- Bender: What?
- [Cut to Amy and Bender in bed]
- Amy: That was great.
- Bender: Shut up.
The Duh-Vinci Code[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them they think they're smarter than me.
- Prof. Farnsworth: My God! DaVinci's Vitruvian Man!
- Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.
- Amy: Smeesh, Professor. Don't have a schmaneurysm. Fry's your distant relative.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew!
- Prof. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
- Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
- Prof. Farnsworth: To the ship!
Lethal Inspection[edit]
- Bender: Dying sucks butt. How do you living beings cope with mortality?
- Leela: Violent outbursts.
- Amy: General sluttiness.
- Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.
- Bender: Anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!
- Fry: This is every bit as fun as the real Civil War.
- Leela: Not the Civil War, Private. We're re-enacting the Sith Wars.
- Fry: Sith? What the Hoth?
- Darth Trocious: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! [Taps Scruffy with toy lightsaber] It is done.
- Scruffy: [lies down] The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Mmm-hmm.
- Bender: [Exits phone booth.] Well, things are startin' to look up.
- Hermes: Look up! [Missile explodes.] Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb?
- Hermes: They have phones in booths now? Finally! I don't have to lug this cell phone around.
- Bender: Aw, shoot!
- Killbot 1: Someone said "shoot!"
- [Killbots 1 and 3 shoot at Killbot 2 and 2 explodes]
- Killbot 1: We're gonna get fired.
- Killbot 2: Someone said "fire!"
- [Gunfire kills killbot 1 then killbot 2 is killed by the tunnel.]
- Killbot 2: Cease fire. Mom called off the attack, although I don't see how it's her-
- Killbot 3: Someone said "howitzer!"
- [Killbots 1 and 3 start firing on the middle killbot, eventually blowing themselves up.]
- Bender: His ass-ias is gracias.
- Hermes: Leela! What in the name of Jah happened?
- Leela: Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants!
The Late Philip J. Fry[edit]
- Elzar: Weren't you the loser who got stood up at my other restaurant?
- Leela: Shut up and bring me two dinners!
- Fry: Hey, uh... What was the purpose of life, anyway?
- Professor Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
- Bender: Mm-hm.
- Fry: Sounds about right.
- Farnsworth: You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention.
- [They walk over to a giant sheet covering something. He reveals a time travelling machine.]
- Farnsworth: Behold! A time travelling machine!
- [Fry and Bender gasp.]
- Bender: Time? I can't go back there!
- Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
- Fry: I wouldn't wanna do that again.
- Hedonism bot: Everywhere I looked there were piles of bodies. And then the explosion struck.
- Farnsworth: I got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for.
- [This future is entirely covered in a dead desert, covering as far as the eyes can see.]
- Farnsworth: Nope.
- [Farnsworth takes up a device that scans the area and turns up an X on its screen and buzzes.]
- Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.
- Fry: All in all, I had a pretty sweet life. How about we grab a six pack and watch the universe end.
- Bender: That's what I basically do everyday.
- In The year 252525:
- In the year 105105,
- If man is still alive,
- If robot can survive,
- They may find...
- In the year 252525,
- The backwards time machine still won't have arrived.
- In all the world, there's only one technology,
- A rusty sword for practicing proctology!
- In a future year that ends with a twenty (351120),
- A shlubby merman's gonna try to get chummy.
- He may look like a watery wimp,
- When in fact he's a bloodthirsty shrimp!
- In the year 1000000&1/2,
- Humankind is enslaved by giraffe.
- Man must pay for all his misdeeds,
- When the treetops are stripped of their leaves!
- Whoa-oh!
- Leela: I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it.
- Fry: That was the old Fry. He's dead now.
That Darn Katz![edit]
- Professor Katz: We shall now vote "yea" or "nay". Nay.
- Wernstrom: Nay!
- Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: Hell nay!
- Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: The horse says: "doctorate denied".
- Calculon: Catastrophe Beach Party – scene one. Cue disaster effects and, action!
- [the entire studio gets flies through the air. The walls of the building fly off and the letters to the Hollywood Sign follow. A man screams while shooting away]
- Calculon: Cut! That extra looked at the camera; we'll have to do it again.
- Announcer: Cash, cash, cash! Too many bones and not enough cash? Sell your extra bones for cash! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain little ear bones! The leg bone's connected to the... Cash Bone!
- Leela: [Dresses cat in Nibbler's sailor suit] Admiral Cutiepaws reporting for duty... I mean, cutie!
- Nibbler: My best friend died in that uniform.
- Nibbler: Can we at least know what you're doing down there?
- Prof. Farnsworth: We're certainly not building anything sinster, if that's what you mean. Come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself.
- Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. You think he has something to do with all these cats?
- Nibbler: The conclusion is as inescapable as it is moronic. It's time we paid him a visit. [Hands Amy a pistol] And if he won't listen to us, perhaps he'll listen to Smith & Wesson. [Picks up large plasma cannon] Or perhaps Consolidated Headmelter.
- Amy: So you call my thesis a fat sack of barf and then stole it?
- Professor Katz: Welcome to academia.
- Amy: I'm finally done with school! How's the job market?
- Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: [Pointer lands on "dog"] Ruff!
- Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Nice.
- Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck!
- Prof. Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the Sun sets in the east.
A Clockwork Origin[edit]
- Ben Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.
- Ben Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!
- Dr Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution.
- [Banjo pulls a cord and a painting of Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.]
- Dr Banjo: Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.
- Prof. Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
- Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know how to handle bullies, just pretend like you're pathetic.
- [Brett Blob comes towards him and Cubert]
- Zoidberg: Help! I'm scared. I wet myself, I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee. But what else is new!
- Brett Blob: Hahaha the pee babies peed themselves! I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.
- Prof. Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.
- Hermes: And here's something. [Finds a fossilized dog] Uh-oh, it's another one of Fry's dogs.
- Fry: Did you say something, Hermes?
- Hermes: Nothing.
- [Zoidberg and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.]
- Zoidberg: Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! What, too soon?
- Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.
- Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.
- Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.
- Hermes: It's pizza time. [passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]
- Amy: Pineapple?
- Hermes: So much for that.
The Prisoner of Benda[edit]
- Amy: [in Farnsworth's body] Oh no! Can we switch back using four or more bodies?
- Professor Farnsworth: [in Bender's body] I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.
- Linda: Tonight at 11...
- Morbo: DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
- [Washbucket, in Amy's body, appears at the door dressed in sexy lingerie]
- Scruffy: Ms Wong?
- Washbucket: No, Scruffy, I am Washbucket. I love you. Washbucket has always loved you!
- [Scruffy and Washbucket kiss, but Scruffy pulls away.]
- Scruffy: It's wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while. But in the back of our minds we'd know that I'm a man, and you're janitorial equipment.
- Washbucket: In another city, we could be anyone we want.
- Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay!
- [Washbucket leaves]
- Scruffy: [Sobs, then suddenly stops] Ayup.
- Amy: I wasted my youth porking out.
- Farnsworth: Yes, I remember. [He points to a picture of a fat Amy, captioned "2997 employee of the year".]
- Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.
- Fry: So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I don't like her in the Professor's disgusting body.
- Hermes: You do, don't you?
- Fry: Of course, but I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?
- Hermes: You could switch your mind into a gross, disgusting body, give her a toke of her own medicine.
- Fry: Of course! But it would have to be a really disgusting body.
- Zoidberg': Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuchus! [Opens his trousers to reveal barnacles on his buttocks]
- Hermes: [to Fry] The long search is over.
- Hermes: Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Normal Albert!
- [Leela, in Farnsworth's body, and Fry, in Zoidberg's body, dine at Elzar's]
- Leela: Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?
- Fry: Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.
- Leela: You mean, like my penis?
Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences[edit]
- Ndnd: I demand the ancient ritual of Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or consequences!
- Fry: Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or what?!
- Fry: I don't want my comic picked apart by nerds. I'm taking it to a comic book convention.
- Fry: So? What do you think of my comic?
- Bender: Let me put it like this: After I leave here, I'm getting a memory enema.
- Matt Groening's Head: I'm sure you're all excited to see the pilot for our new show.
- David X. Cohen's Head: It's called Futurella. It takes place in the year 4000.
- [Clip begins; suddenly a CANCELLED title card appears]
- Matt Groening's Head: Boy, Fox has really streamlined the process.
- Robot Moderator: Mr. Groening will now take questions. But, please, about Futurella and not The Simpsons. Yes, the robot standing on the small child?
- Bender: I have a question! When are you going to make a second Simpson's Movie?
- [Matt Groening's nameplate opens and fires a laser at Bender.]
The Mutants Are Revolting[edit]
- Bender: This calls for a party, baby! I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise!
- Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: As long-time mutants ourselves, we support your righteous struggle, and will do anything we can for you.
- Dwayne: Play "Whip It"!
- Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: No. [to a band member] Play the other one.
- Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, I have.
- Zoidberg: Hooray! A happy ending for the rich people.
- Dwayne: Are we not men now?
- Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: I'm 40% potato, but close enough.
- Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. [She pauses as her parents look shocked.] I'm sorry.
- Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole.
- Turanga Morris: What do ya say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake, and Safeway ice cream?
- Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.
- Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.
- Zoidberg: Urgh!
The Futurama Holiday Spectacular[edit]
- Amy: Oh no! This could be the year without a Kwanza, like every year before 1966.
- Professor: We have only one hope left, and as usual, it's Norwegian!
- Bender: You know, I don't recall having done anything in a while, but I still feel I deserve a smoke.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore?
- Al Gore's Head: Yeah. But I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs.
- Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking?
- Prof. Farnsworth: [gasps] It's an albino humping worm!
- Fry: Why do they call it that?
- [The ship begins to rock back and forth]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigment.
- Al Gore's Head: Don't worry, the Futurama crew will be back next year with new episodes, starring Bender, Leela, and me, Al Gore, as Captain Lance Starman.
- Richard Nixon's Head: That's what my poll numbers need: Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer.
- Dick Cheney's Head: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree.
- Bender: Do you not give a damn about the hallowed traditions of Robanukah?!
- Hoschel: I reckon I do not. Anyways, Earth done run out of petroleum oil.
- Al Gore's Head: I tried to warn you. [to Hoschel] One unit of free limitless solar power please.
- [Hoschel steps out of the sun. He smiles when it reaches full power.]
- Hoschel: That'll be... I dunno... ten bucks?
- Al Gore's Head: Um, can you make change for a Nobel Prize?
- Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?
- Robot Santa: [singing] It's the violentest season of the year.
- Elf: Old Kringle-bot has come to spread some mugs of Xmas fear.
- Robot Santa: Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head
- When I cane you from the comfort of my sled.
- Leela: On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel,
- Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel.
- Prof. Farnsworth': And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass,
- It can be re-gifted straight to Santa's ass.
- Robot Santa: But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial,
- The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile.
- The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous
- Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous.
- Planet Express crew: We have to have a pine tree as coniferous.
- Robot Santa: [flies away] You're welcome.
- Bender: I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads!
- [Fry gets out a holophonor; the Professor, a fiddle; and Dr. Zoidberg, an accordion, and start playing klezmer music.]
- Bender': [singing] Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish,
- But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish.
- So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup,
- Which will give me time to quickly make them up.
- Hermes: Do you spin a dreidel made from clay?
- Bender': Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay.
- Amy: Do you eat these yummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins?
- Bender': Better!
- We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins!
- Shalom, Ruth and Esther!
- Ruth: Why with the music so loud?
- Esther: Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here?
- Bender': But by far the most important thing is oil.
- Leela: To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil?
- Bender': No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel
- Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle.
- Planet Express crew: The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special
- Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle.
- [Hermes and LaBarbara provide backup on kalimba and drum respectively.]
- Kwanzaa-bot: The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa!
- So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!
- LaBarbara: Kujichagulia...
- Barbados Slim and Bubblegum Tate: And umoja...
- Hermes: And the rest.
- Planet Express crew: Now we get it!
- Kwanzaa-bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test.
- My favorite's ujamaa.
- Bubblegum Tate: Cooperative economics.
- Kwanzaa-bot: [to Dwight] Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics!
- Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.
- Barbados Slim: Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities. [starts coming on to Zoidberg]
- Kwanzaa-bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili,
- Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?
- Prof. Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanukah, you plagiarizing lout!
- Kwanzaa-bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out.
- But before I go, the most important thing...
- Dwight: What's that, Black Santa?
- Kwanzaa-bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night.
- But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.
- Planet Express crew: [writing on notepads] They must be made of beeswax or we might as well be white.
Neutopia[edit]
- Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time.
- Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n' Things!
- Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture!
- Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see.
- Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? [stretches pants to check] Aggghhh! My wing-wang's gone!
- Leela: My girls!
- Bender: My antenna!
- Hattie: My kajigger!
- Zoidberg: My gonopores!
- [slight pause in compilcation]
- Zoidberg: Look it up.
- Hermes: Give us back our genitals!
- Rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them.
- LaBarbara: Being human's not about being happy, it's about loving and fighting and that Rasta McNasty we were doing last night, ha ha. We want that back!
- Fry: Never bet against me being stupid!
- Leela: Well, it was a lot of hard work, but it beats posing in skimpy, demeaning outfits.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Here are your skimpy, demeaning stewardress uniforms.
- Hermes: Mmm, you're cooking me back fat bacon.
- LaBarbara: That's not back fat bacon! That's your back fat bakin'!
- Zapp Brannigan: I got your distress call and came here as soon as I wanted to.
- Hermes: I've found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is... $11, 000, 000.
- Bender: Aaand boned.
Benderama[edit]
- Linda: Hey you! Good evening. Who you calling drunk? You're not drunk, I'm drunk!
- Morbo: Tha's right Linda. Water is n... now booze and everyone's... titty much protally fitshaced.
- Morbo: Our top story: All alcohol on Earth has mysteriously disappeared. Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics. Linda?
- Linda: I can no longer face my children!!!
- Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy?
- Zoidberg: Sure. [Hermes presents photo] That's your penis!
- Hermes: That's my bouy!
- Amy: This chair is so comfortable. [She throws up]
- Bender: Heh, heh. Classic Amy.
- Hermes: You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance.
- Amy: Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humongous acne cream... Aw, and one regular-sized condom.
- Bender: All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!
- Fry: Like the Kardashians!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.
- [A hologram of equation appear, everyone gasps in horror except Fry]
- Fry: Don't wait for me.
- Prof. Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent!
- Fry: [alarmed] Oh, dip!
- Unattractive Giant Monster: All I wanted was to apologize to you people! But now I have to kill you!
- Bender: How, by making me look at you?
- Unattractive Giant Monster: No, by making you look at... my momma! [Shows picture to Bender, who recoils in horror]
- Bender: Augh! Your momma's so ugly!
- Unattractive Giant Monster: I told you not to talk about my momma!
- Bender: Legion of Benders, come unto me! We have one thing to do.
- Bender clones: Screw that!
- Bender: Oh, come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one-quintillionth of a thing.
- Bender clones: [sigh] All right.
- Fry: Bender, you duuu.
- Bender: No, we duuu.
Ghost in the Machines[edit]
- Hermes: As you can see, since Bender's death, request to bite one shiny metal ass are down 98%.
- [Scruffy uses Bender's compartment (with a leg in an arm plate) as a vacuum]
- Hermes: Do you mind doing that later?
- Scruffy: Bite my shiny metal ass.
- [the line chart rises]
- Robot Devil: You see, Bender, it's simple. You're a ghost!
- Bender: A g-g-g-g-ghost?!
- Robot Devil: No, just the regular kind.
- Zoidberg: Hey, look, a fog is rolling in.
- Hermes: No, that's just the Jamaican pride float.
- Amy: Looks like it's speeding up.
- Hermes: Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float!
- Mayor Poopenmeyer: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero. Mr. Fry, allow me to present you with the keys to the city. This one's for the deadbolt, this is for the top lock... I think this one's for the knob. The city's in a bad neighborhood. Care to say a few words, son?
- Fry: Uh... Heroes don't do drugs! Except for Drugman, I guess.
- Hermes: Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months.
- Leela: How is Lynn, by the way?
- Bender: Livin' in Oregon with her crazy mother!
- Fry: All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. [dials a number.]
- Hermes: Who you gonna call?
- Fry: Gho— [interrupted by a beep.]
- Female voice: The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.
Law and Oracle[edit]
- Fry: Hello. I'd like to enroll in Police Academy.
- Officer: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?
- Fry: That's the plan.
- Officer: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.
- Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.
- Officer: Welcome to Police Academy. [both shake hands]
- Officer URL: What's in the box Schrodinger?
- Erwin Schrodinger: A cat, some poison and a caesium atom.
- Fry: The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead!?
- Officer URL: Answer him fool.
- Erwin Schrodinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.
- Fry: Says you. [Fry opens the box and a cat leaps out at him.]
- Officer URL: There's also a lot of drugs in there.
The Silence of the Clamps[edit]
- Prosecutor: Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you are slandering this innocent mafioso to distract from your own felonious past, including the crime you made up yourself called burglararsonlarsony?
- Bender: That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts Inc.! Besides, I'm not on trial here.
- Judge 724: That's true. You're on trial in courtroom 3. [presses button, wall spins Bender to another courtroom with a female version of 724]
- Judge 802: You are charged with two counts of burglararsonlarsony. How do you plead?
- Bender: Not innoguiltycent! [reaches, presses button, returning to 724's courtroom]
- Clamps: Hey, scuttle on home. Dis ain't none of your business, slick.
- Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick, it's Zoidberg. JOHN (beep)ing ZOIDBERG!
- Billy West: Sorry mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West.
- Fry: [laughs] "Billy West". What a stupid, phony, made up name.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Who likes good news?
- [the crew raise their hands]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Everyone? Then, good news, everyone!
Yo Leela Leela[edit]
- Warden Vogel: Sometimes you gotta choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.
- Lady Buggle: I'm as sad as an upside-down smile.
All the Presidents' Heads[edit]
- Hermes: Well, it's 6o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!
- Bender: Woo-hoo! Time to go clubbing! [pulls out a baseball bat] Baby seals, here I come!
- Franklin D. Roosevelt's Head: We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.
- Hermes: So... You grow hemp?
- Thomas Jefferson's head: Yes.
- Hermes: And... You do what with it?
- Thomas Jefferson's head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...
- Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you. [goes away.]
- Thomas Jefferson's head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.
- Hermes: [comes back] Let me give you my pager number.
- Thomas Jefferson: Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you?
- Alexander Hamilton: Nay.
- Thomas Jefferson: John Hancock and John Adams of Massachusetts?
- John Adams: Yea.
- John Hancock: Yea.
- Thomas Jefferson: The yeas have it. Our nation's official joke state shall be New Jersey.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You've really screwed the granny this time!
Möbius Dick[edit]
- Amy: Oh no, I'm having a Serengeti Flashback! Die you stinkin' giraffe!
- [The crew are taken into the fourth dimension by the Space Whale]
- Hermes: I can see sideways in time! [reverse] !emit ni syawedis ees nac I
- Amy: Gee, I see CGI! [reverse] !IGC ees I, eeG
- Fry: Poop! Ha-ha-ha! [reverse] !ah-ah-ah !pooP
- Bender: Aw, yeah!
- Benders: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!
- [The whale flies out of the fourth dimension]
- Bender: A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-- Oh..! That was the greatest uncountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met.
- Fry: Leela, I'm no medical expert, but I think you be showing some serious signs of 'illin.
- Amy: You've gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News.
- Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?!
- Amy: Zoidberg had hair?!
- Prof. Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you imagined it that way, that's your business!
- Leela: Need I remind you that in space, the captain's word is law? I could marry Hermes with Bender against their will if I wanted to.
- Hermes: [gasps] You wouldn't dare!
- Bender: Eh, I've been married to worse.
- Amy: Where are we?
- Hermes: Inside the belly of the beast.
- Fry: Like that guy in the Bible... Pinocchio!
- Leela: All right, which one of you sea dogs has the guts and know-how to harpoon a whale?
- Amy: I spent a semester in Africa hunting giraffes, and giraffes are basically land space whales.
- Leela: Ms. Wong, you have the 'poon.
Fry Am the Egg Man[edit]
- Amy: Jinkies! He Scooby-Dooed us!
- Angus McZongo: May I buy you a drink? We don't get a lot of pretty faces around here.
- Leela: Uh, sure, but I'm driving. I'll just have the smallest whiskey you've got.
- Angus McZongo: A small aquarium of whiskey for the busty lass.
- Fry: You can't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it.
- Fry: Mr. Peppy wouldn't hurt your sheep. He's a vegetarian, and he's not even preachy about it.
- Fry: You can't just kill somebody because they're ugly and corrosive.
- Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg, and look where that got us.
- Zoidberg: Amy makes a good point.
The Tip of the Zoidberg[edit]
- Zoidberg: Is this one o' those "No means yes" deals?!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Yes and no.
- Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpson's Jaundice.
- Fry: [with yellow skin] Ay, carumba!
- Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.
- Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry...
- Fry: Careful, Leela. He knows less about human anatomy than I do, and I can't even find my own uterus.
- Fry: Oh, sure. Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed to Muppet Gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.
- Leela: It wasn't unavoidable! You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled, "Stop! You're cutting my spine!"
- Fry: Stop complaining. My body rejected your liver and now I have Garfield Syndrome. I hate Mondays.
- Leela: Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects. Not Aliens who look like objects.
- Fry: So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the cactus people were doomed from the start.
- Doctor: My God. I've never seen such a gruesome shark attack. Especially this far inland.
- Leela: It wasn't a shark. It was an awful, incompetent doctor.
- Doctor: Wow. He must've been a total Zoidberg.
Cold Warriors[edit]
- Zapp Brannigan: We have only one option: Protocol 62.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas.
- Zapp Brannigan: Then Protocol 63 it is.
- Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the sun. They must have been out of piranhas.
- Yancy, Sr.: Double time, soldier. I want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours.
- Fry: [shivers] It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off.
- Yancy, Sr.: Pfft! You don't know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid.
- [flashback to 1988 as the Fry family are enjoying Thanksgiving dinner at Panucci's Pizza]
- Mr. Panucci: Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on!
- Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school.
- Fry: [to Yancy, Jr.] Pffft! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy.
Overclockwise[edit]
- Cubert: This may take a while. I've got to adjust the memory timing, raise the CPU voltage, and delete twelve terabytes of outdated catchphrases.
- Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun!
- Female voice: Deleted.
- Leela: Don't you ever wonder about the future?
- Fry: Well, sure, but you're always in it.
- [Leela smiles]
- Fry: Also, sometimes Terminators.
- Mom: Farnsworth? What a lucky break, after all these years I've got him, and legally too.
- Larry: Even an idiot like me knows he'll be ruined.
- Mom: An idiot like you is correct! [slaps him]
- Hermes: Good news, everyone! That's what the Professor would say if he weren't in jail facing a life sentence.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh god! I clicked without reading.
- Cubert Farnsworth: And I slightly modified a thing that I own.
- Professor Farnsworth We're monsters!
- [Both cry]
Reincarnation[edit]
- God Entity: A wise man once said that nothing really dies. It just comes back in a new form. Then he died. So, next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it; it might be you. Stand by for "Reincarnation".
- Prof. Farnsworth: Movietone News, everyone!
- Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me? And also, I have bad posture some severe financial problems?
- Bender: Have you tried gettin' her pregnant?
- Fry: Gosh, yes! I've tried and tried! But, so far, I only got Amy pregnant.
- Amy: Watch it, you stumble bums! You're boopin' my Betty!
- Leela: Is my eye playing trick on me?
- Bender: Th-th-that's all you get, chumps!
- Fry: All right, diamond. You won those round, but I have an ace up my hole.
- Fry: A guy like me can't afford a diamond ring for a gal like her.
- Bender: That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you every week. [takes Fry's wallet]
- Bender: Byte my 8 bit metal ass. [to Hermes] That's byte with a 'Y'.
- [while examining a log under a super microscope]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Oh my, there's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole at the bottom of the sea.
- Leela: And that's the ultimate secret of the universe?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Apparently so. Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole on the bottom of the sea. The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms...
- Fry: Pfff! Those things don't rhyme!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope!
- Bender: [trying to cheer up the professor] Would it cheer you up if I punch Fry in the groin? Cause I'll do it, regardless.
- Prof. Farnsworth: Fry, you idiot, you're a genius!
- Amy: You solved the problem that drove Einstein and forced Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice-actor.
- Stephen Hawking's Head: I like physics, but I love cartoons.
- Leela: What is that box, you old witch?
- Prof. Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! I'll never tell you! It's a deep space emotion detector.
- [all gasp]
- Prof. Farnsworth: The detector detects that you are impressed.
- Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.
- Farnsworth: All attempts to communicate with the aliens have failed. I fear our only option is thrilling space battle.
- Bender/Fry: Power Friends Go!
- Zoidberg: Here my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard.
- Cubert: Custard Time?! Hooray!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Of course! Having no mouths or ears they can only communicate through motions!
- Fry: Or perhaps by odors.
- Bender: That is how you communicate.
- Amy/Leela/Fry/Bender/Hermes: Hahahahahahaha!
- Bender and Fry: [communicating with the aliens via dance] Hey aliens, we will kill you! And dishonor your widows by making them gather wood!
- Prof. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all.
- Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise [mouth stops moving] next week at the same time!
Season 7[edit]
The Bots and the Bees[edit]
- Leela: Aw, he's so cute. Wait, no, he isn't. He looks like Bender!
- Amy: Didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from?
- Bender: No, she was a religious fundamentalist, plus she didn't have a mouth. It's an unusual combination.
- Prof. Farnsworth: I hate to crush a boy's dreams, but... [upbeat] What the heck!
- Bender: Awh, I'm gonna call him Ben, after the first half of me, Bender!
- [Ben lets out a small, flaming burp.]
- Bender: That's my bastard!
- Hermes: That's it, Fry! For a guy who's not too bright, you're too damn bright!
- Bender: There's a dam!
- Ben: Damn!
- Bender: There's a grate!
- Ben: Great!
A Farewell to Arms[edit]
- Fry: I hope you're not too mad at me, Leela. For tearing your arm off and all.
- Leela: I can't be mad, I'm on way too many painkillers. Plus, you were willing to sacrifice yourself so I could live. I mean you failed miserably, but you're only person who loves me enough to try.
- Prof. Farnsworth: What an idiot I was! And by "I", I meant "you"!
- Richard Nixon's Head: Damn thing won't turn over, like Pat on Sunday morning.
- Fry: My lucky pants!
- Bender: They don't look so lucky to me.
- Fry: They are too lucky! I was wearing them when I found a dime in my ear, when I got a free subscription to Redbook, and when I first met Leela.
- Leela: Aw! Also, oh, Lord.
- Fry: Also, they're my only pants.
- Bender: You wore the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it.
Decision 3012[edit]
- Linda: This is the first time a presidential candidate got to see his own birth live.
- Bender: If you want my opinion, Nixon's only chance of beating Travers is with filthy lies, dirty tricks and good old Quaker thuggery. [the scene expands to reveal Bender is in the Oval Office with Nixon] And I'm just the guy for the job! [Bender and Nixon laugh evilly]
- Bender and Nixon's Head: AROOO!
- Chris Travers: Look, let's be honest here. No one likes taxes. But they pay for our basic needs. Roads, schools, defense. If we hope to realise our aspirations as a great planet, we must each pay our fair share to achieve those noble goals.
- Morbo: Thank you, Senator. A thoughtful and lucid answer. You will be destroyed!!
- Leela: This is crazy! You're from the future?
- Chris Travers: Yes. I was sent back from the year 3028 to prevent Nixon from getting elected.
- Fry: I was sent forward from the year 2000, but you don't hear me gassing on about it.
The Thief of Baghead[edit]
- Hermes: Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years!
- Bender: Digital? [spits] No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain o' good, ol' film.
- Prof. Farnsworth: How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.
- Leela: [to Calculon] Now, your only chance is a classic death scene, one with a lot of thy's and thou's.
- Bender: Voíla! The tragic end of "Rome-o and Julie-t."
- Leela: That's Romeo and Juliet, dummy...by will.i.am Shakespeare.
Zapp Dingbat[edit]
- Zapp Brannigan: Very well. Morris, Munda, I now pronounce you man and wife. May I kiss the bride?
- [Morris punches Zapp in the chest.]
- Zapp Brannigan: Congratulations.
- Zapp Brannigan: We're under attack and the wedding's off. Kif, return fire AND the cake.
- Kif: [panicking] All systems are disabled and you can't return an ice cream cake!!
The Butterjunk Effect[edit]
- [Leela gives Fry a long kiss.]
- Leela: Keep your door unlocked tonight.
- Fry: But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!
- Leela: Professor, there's nothing wrong with Nectar. It's all natural.
- Prof. Farnworth: So are carrots, but you don't see me injecting them between my toes!
- [He lights up a carrot and smokes it.]
- [Amy and Leela continuously kiss Fry]
- Hermes: Sweet orgy of Georgia! Have you girls gone wild?
- Bender: With one-sixth gravity, you can work and be lazy at the same time! It's like being a voice actor!
- Morbo: Once again, Eternliax the Immortal, dead, at the age of 26.
The Six Million Dollar Mon[edit]
- Hermes: No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.
- Zoidberg: You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.
- Leela: I insult you, you fat sack.
- Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient.
- [Beats begin]
- Leela: Zoidberg this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?
- Bender: And what's with that catchy beat?
- Zoidberg: I'll tell you, 2, 3, 4.
- [singing] I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago.
- When a happy thought dispelled my wall
- And I fell perhaps he'd be a bit last doll
- Little Hermes: If I sliced up his Cyborgs scull
- Both: He wants a brain
- Zoidberg: He wants a robot brain
- Both: Another brain
- Zoidberg: Let see if he fells pain
- Both: A brand new brain
- Zoidberg: It might drive him insane
- Both: He wants a brain.
- Zoidberg: He wants a robot brain
- Both: wa uuuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuu...
- Amy: Does anybody else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?
- Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy!
Fun on a Bun[edit]
- Prof. Farnsworth: For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting! Finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! [Points to Fry.] You, boy! What do they call you?
- Fry: Most folks just call me 'Orange Joe'.
- Bender: Hey, Elzar! I've just recently started always having dreamt of being a sausage making champion
- Zapp Brannigan: Foolproof and durable; it's designed to withstand the weight of a modern day elephant foot.
- [A wooly mammoth tramples them, making Zapp drop the controller, which is crushed by the mammoth's foot, causing the drones to crash and explode.]
- Bender: I enjoy getting drunk as much as the next fellow, but this sir, is Oktoberfest!
Free Will Hunting[edit]
- Bender: Thanks to you, I went on a soul-searching journey. I hate those!
- Bender: How does a robot join this monk outfit?
- AbBot: Just put on this monk outfit.
- Bender: I gotta mope things over for a while.
- Fry: What's happening?
- Leela: I don't know. I think he's shuffling off sadly in the distance.
- Fry: Oh lord.
- Bender: Life is about decisions. Make the wrong ones and you'll wind up face down in a pool of your own blood and urine.
- Zoidberg: Still, to have your own pool!
- Bender: It's been quite a journey. I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution.
- Hermes: Mon, you had one hell of a day.
Near-Death Wish[edit]
- Leela: Fry, you're so confident and take charge on this trip! It's kind of a turn-on.
- Fry: Not now, Leela, I'm trying to meet old people!
- Zoidberg: It's so wonderful to meet the Professor's parents! [to Ned and Velma] Hello, my name is Dr. Zoidberg. I'm very important here.
- Leela: Hey, Zoidberg! You forgot to empty this trashcan!
- Zoidberg: [scared] Don't hit me!
- Fry: Ahem!
- Professor: Oh what? Oh yeah your award show? I'm sorry I couldn't make it but I had a very good reason!
- Fry: Perhaps you'd favor us with it?
- Professor: Sure my pleasure. I came down with a searing case of... who gives a crap?! HAHAHAHA!!
- Leela: Hmmmm... Hats with wires on them. Are you sure this is safe?
- Bender: It's not just safe; it's 40% safe.
31st Century Fox[edit]
- Prof. Farnsworth: Fox news, everyone! I've decided to make the fox our new corporate mascot!
- Fry: It's Bender's middle finger. I'd recognize this anywhere.
Viva Mars Vegas[edit]
- Zoidberg: [prays] God, it's Zoidberg. I hate to bother you, but- [A huge bag full of money lands directly in front of him] Okay, okay, I'll shut up!
- Zoidberg: Look out, penny slots, I've got a system! It's to put all my money in you!
- Prof. Farnsworth: My God! He was so saturated with ink that his entire body structure was polarized!
- Zoidberg: You mean I'm invisible?
- Prof. Farnsworth: No, no, no, not in any sense of the word. But essentially, yes, entirely.
Naturama[edit]
- Salmon Hermes: Still, six of ten alive! That's considered good for our species.
- Lobster Zoidberg: Five out of ten, also nice. [Takes a bit out of Scruffy]
- Salmon Scruffy: Yep.
- Salmon Hermes: Oh-ho I'm good! Who wants a piece of me?
- Lobster Zoidberg: I'll try-a-bite! [Eats Hermes]
- Bass Bender: (his dying words) Tell my kids I love me... very much.
- Narrator: The isolated Galapagos Islands, a veritable pageant of evolutionary science – home to dozens of species found nowhere else, such as Darwin's Finches and the marine iguana.
- Booby Zoidberg: Also, the Blue-footed Booby! That's fairly interesting. Note the blue coloration of the f—
- Lonesome Hubert: Sad news everyone. I'm lonesome.
- Beach-master Bender: Bite my freshly-molted, blubber-filled ass!
- Seal Hermes: You're just a giant lump of fat. Do you even have an ass under there?
- Beach-master Bender: I'm 40% ass.
2-D Blacktop[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: That's it, you hoodlums! Your mouth just wrote a PayPal transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor!
- Racer: Yo. It is on! Before that it was off.
- Amy: [upset] Do you think they're...dead?
- Hermes: No, no. I choose to believe they're alive in some other dimension. Screamin' in agony. [Amy wipes away a tear.]
- Amy: I hope so.
- [In the 2D dimension, Leela and the Professor are sat at a table with a bowl of apples on it.]
- Leela: Yum, apples! [She grabs a piece of apple and attempts to eat it.] Hey, how come I can't swallow?
- Professor Farnsworth: Hmm, I guess it's because our two-ended digestive system can't exist in this dimension. I suppose that could be an issue. [Leela mumbles and spits the piece of apple out.]
- Leela: I knew it! I knew he'd get us killed somehow!
- [The Professor begins to type on a computer.]
- Professor Farnsworth: As you can see, or rather can't see, but take my word for it, such a digestive system would divide a 2D being into separate pieces!
- King of Flatbush: He's opening our minds to new ideas. Kill him!
Fry and Leela's Big Fling[edit]
- [Amy approaches Zoidberg whilst dressed like a marmoset.]
- Amy: I'm not sure this marmoset disguise is working...
- Zoidberg: I'm not sure either. We better ask Amy!
- Fry: An-and the robot hands would make you a strawberry shortcake any time of day. Four, seven, any time!
- Hermes: No way!
- Fry: I'm not lyin'!
- Leela: Sean, I'd like you to meet Fry, he and I are... What would you say we are, Fry?
- Fry: Nude and interrupted.
T.: The Terrestrial[edit]
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I'm in terrible pain.
- Kif: Sir, there's an Omicronian ship requesting safe passage home.
- Zapp: Home, eh? That's where I live! Let 'em through the blockade.
- Hermes: Five-O! Five-O!
- Amy: Five what?
- Hermes: Five Omicronians!
- Leela: Bender. Do you know where Fry is? I haven't seen him since we got back from Omicron Persei 8.
- Bender: Fry?! You... just missed him. He went out to buy you flowers. Whatever kind you like best. 'Cuz he loves you and crap.
- Lrrr: Jrrr! How do I watch a funny on the YouTube?
- Jrrr: Can you save him?
- Drrr: I could, but he'd only live another 80 years at most. The humane thing is to put him to sleep.
- Lrrr: What's happening? Why's his butt glowing?
- Drrr: The electromagnetic intensity of the robot's friendship is causing the herbs in his bowels to bioluminesce with love. Probably.
Forty Percent Leadbelly[edit]
- Ben Beeler: Using my fancy technology, I can make an exact copy of this guitar.
- Bender: Tell me Doctor Beeler, will I need to threaten you?
- Ben Beeler: Not at all! You see nowadays, we can take a unique and beautiful object, and easily reduce it to a formula for mass production! I call the process "Science"!
- Ben Beeler: (in Bender's hard drive:) WOAH! That's a lot of porn!
- Bender: I failed at my life-long dream again. How can I be so bad at everything I try, and still be so great?
- Zoidberg: But, robot, you can't just make up a folk song like you can a medical diploma, they have to come from the heart!
The Inhuman Torch[edit]
- Mayor Poopenmeyer: These boys must have hero in their bones, and you, ma'am, must have heroine in your veins.
- Bender: Polar bears don't burn! I've tried many times!
- Professor Farnsworth: We can have 4 idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonist!
- Mayor Poopenmeyer: There is no fire department! I sold it to pay for Bender's medal!
- Bender: I'll stay here and be in charge of 'not dying'
- Zapp: But here we are, stealing an unlimited supply of birthday grade helium from the unsuspecting moon.
- Kif: That's the sun.
- Zapp: At night, its the moon.
Saturday Morning Fun Pit[edit]
Calculon 2.0[edit]
Assie Come Home[edit]
Leela and the Genestalk[edit]
Game of Tones[edit]
Murder on the Planet Express[edit]
Stench and Stenchibility[edit]
Meanwhile[edit]
- Opening sequence: Avenge us
- [The series' last lines]
- Professor: I've modded the device to release a single huge antichroniton blast. It should rip us out of stasis back to the instant before I conceived of the Time Button.
- Fry: You mean we'll all get to live our lives over again?
- Professor: Oh, my, yes. Even that nasty robot, what's-his-name. Of course, we won't remember anything that's happened.
- Fry: What do you say? Want to go around again?
- Leela: [taking his hand] I do.
Cast[edit]
- Main cast
- Billy West - Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan, Richard Nixon's head, Officer Smitty, various.
- Katey Sagal - Turanga Leela.
- John Di Maggio - Bender, Igner, Flexo, Elzar, Barbados Slim, Joey Mousepad, Officer URL, Sal, various.
- Phil LaMarr - Hermes Conrad, Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate, Preacherbot, Dwight Conrad (present), various.
- Lauren Tom - Amy Wong, Inez Wong, Heather, various.
- Maurice LaMarche - Kif Kroker, Morbo, Lrrr, Walt, Donbot, Clamps, Calculon, Hedonismbot, various.
- David Herman - Scruffy Scruffington, Larry, Turanga Morris, Ogden Wernstrom, Roberto, Mayor Poopemmeyer, various.
- Tress MacNeille - Mom, Linda, Hattie, Turanga Munda, Ndnd, various.
- Secondary cast
- Kath Soucie - Cubert Farnsworth, various.
- Dawnn Lewis - LaBarbara Conrad.
- Frank Welker - Nibbler, many animals.
- Phil Hendrie - The Waterfall family
- Tom Kenny - Adlai Atkins, Abner Doubledeal, Yancy Fry Jr., various.
- Recurring guest stars
- Bumper Robinson - Dwight Conrad (former)
- Stephen Hawking - Himself.
- Coolio - Kwanzaa-bot.
- Dan Castellaneta - Robot Devil.
- Al Gore - Himself.
- Leonard Nimoy - Himself.
- George Takei - Himself.
See also[edit]
- Futurama: Bender's Big Score
- Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs
- Futurama: Bender's Game
- Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder
External links[edit]
- Futurama quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- Futurama at TV.com
- Futurama Quotes on Twitter
