Mad (magazine)

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search
What, Me Worry?

Mad is an American humor magazine founded by editor Harvey Kurtzman and publisher William Gaines in 1952. Launched as a comic book before it became a magazine, it was widely imitated and influential, impacting not only satirical media but the entire cultural landscape of the 20th century. Its fictional mascot is Alfred E. Neuman, a gap-toothed, freckled kid who never worries, and has appeared on almost every MAD cover. Every issue has a "thought provoking" quote attributed fictionally to him.

Quotes[edit]

1950s[edit]

  • What, Me Worry? (#24 – 07/1955)

1960s[edit]

1970s[edit]

1980s[edit]

1990s[edit]

  • A born executive is a guy whose father owns the business. (#236 – 01/1983)
  • The trouble with learning from experience is that you get the test before the lesson. (#290 – 10/1989)
  • The distance between many people's ears is a block. (#314 – 10/1992)
  • Politicians are people who get sworn in an then cursed out. (#315 – 12/1992)
  • The problem with the ladder of success is that by the time you've climbed it, you're considered over the hill. (#316 – 01/1993)
  • The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them. (#317 – 03/1993)
  • If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows an three tellers? (#318 – 04/1993)
  • April 15th is a day that tests a person's power of deduction. (#319 – 06/1993)
  • It's a good idea to save your money. One day, it might be worth something again. (#320 – 07/1993)
  • How is it that people looking for a helping hand tend to overlook the one at the end of their own arm? (#321 – 09/1993)
  • English is a language where double negatives are a no-no. (#322 – 10/1993)
  • The reason most doctors don't believe in acupuncture is because they'd rather stick us with the bill. (#323 – 12/1993)
  • Most people don't act stupid; it's the real thing. (#324 – 01/1994)
  • These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbors. (#325 – 02/1994)
  • The reason many people are lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. (#326 – 02-03/1994)
  • Too often, people who want to offer sound advice give us more sound than advice. (#327 – 05/1994)
  • Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are? (#328 – 06/1994)
  • Nowadays, an after-dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check. (#329 – 07-08/1994)
  • Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but never to win the Lottery? (#330 – 09/1994)
  • America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign. (#331 – 10-11/1994)
  • A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course. (#332 – 12/1994)
  • Parents supporting their kids in college get poorer by degrees. (#333 – 01-02/1995)
  • Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and then selling your story on TV. (#334 – 03-04/1995)
  • A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose. (#335 – 05/1995)
  • The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard. (#336 – 06/1995)
  • Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade. (#337 – 07/1995)
  • You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train. (#338 – 08/1995)
  • Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it everyday! (#339 – 09/1995)
  • How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America? (#340 – 10-11/1995)
  • A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep. (#341 – 12/1995)
  • Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. (#342 – 01-02/1996)
  • Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every Ma Nugget weighs the same. (#343 – 03/1996)
  • It takes one to know one — and vice versa. (#344 – 04/1996)
  • How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? (#345 – 05/1996)
  • The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents were much cheaper. (#347 – 07/1996)
  • A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa. (#348 – 08/1996)
  • If opera is entertainmaent, then falling off a roof is transportation. (#349 – 09/1996)
  • Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement. (#350 – 10/1996)
  • In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsights is definitely overrated. (#351 – 11/1996)
  • Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many Americans' sleeping arrangements. (#352 – 12/1996)
  • Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life o crime. (#353 – 01/1997)
  • Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease. (#354 – 02/1997)
  • Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grands, he'll show you the door. (#355 – 03/1997)
  • Smoking helps you loose weight — one lung at a time. (#356 – 04/1997)
  • A call girl is a lady who isn't free for the night. (#357 – 05/1997)
  • A psychiatrist is someone who hopefully finds out what makes a person tick before they explode. (#358 – 06/1997)
  • A bore is somebody who interrupts your fifth story with one of his own. (#359 – 07/1997)
  • Most people who ask for a minute of your time have trouble timing a minute. (#360 – 08/1997)
  • In Hollywood these days, what's coming out isn't as interesting as who's coming out. (#361 – 09/1997)
  • Most doctors' gains are ill-gotten. (#362 – 10/1997)
  • The problem with our economy is that our budget is supposed to be balanced by people who aren't. (#363 – 11/1997)
  • The clearest digital signal is still flipping someone the bird. (#364 – 12/1997)
  • In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. There ar also very few archery contests. (#365 – 01/1998)
  • If medicine isn't an exact science, how come they always know how much to charge you? (#366 – 02/1998)
  • Remember — The Post Office will not deliver mail without postage. And sometimes, even with. (#367 – 03/1998)
  • A couch potato follows the path of least existence. (#369 – 05/1998)
  • Too many movies today have a beginning, a muddle and an end. (#370 – 06/1998)
  • There's more than one way to skin a cat, though you probably won't even need the one. (#372 – 08/1998)
  • Every dog has its day, but in dog years that's like a whole week. (#373 – 09/1998)
  • At one time or another, everybody plays the fool. But some people are typecast for life. (#374 – 10/1998)
  • The psychiatrist's office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean. (#375 – 11/1998)
  • Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to Traffic Court. (#376 – 12/1998)
  • You can't hurry love — but you can move up the wedding to accomodate the baby's arrival. (#377 – 01/1999)
  • Any dentist who says "This won't hurt a bit" is lying through your teeth. (#379 – 03/1999)
  • Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than reading them. (#380 – 04/1999)
  • When it comes to personal conduct, always set the bar high — it makes it much easier to sneak underneath. (#382 – 06/1999)
  • Most people don't mind a hard day's work — just as long as they're not in that day. (#383 – 07/1999)
  • On their deathbed, no one ever wished they had spent more time at the office — or on their deathbed, for that matter. (#384 – 08/1999)
  • Put 1,000 writers in a room for 1,000 days and one will come up with a story about monkeys writing Hamlet. (#385 – 09/1999)
  • Nepotism is when the corporate ladder is built from the lumber of your family tree. (#386 – 10/1999)
  • Parents treat their kids like teeth — they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done. (#387 – 11/1999)
  • If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they'd ask for it. (#388 – 12/1999)

2000s[edit]

  • The reason most people talk to themselves is because they're often the only ones who will listen. (#389 – 01/2000) [1]
  • Whoever said "Talk is cheap" never dialed a 1-900 number. (#390 – 02/2000)
  • People who live in glass houses should look like Sharon Stone. (#391 – 03/2000)
  • All lawyers are cut from the same cloth — fleece. (#392 – 04/2000)
  • Too many people think the best way to get ul leg up on their finances is to look for a hand out. (#393 – 05/2000)
  • Americans are the only people looking for a short cut to the quick fix. (#394 – 06/2000)
  • The problem with our economy is that our budget is balanced by people who aren't. (#395 – 07/2000) [2]
  • If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning. (#396 – 08/2000)
  • Many a good egg ends up getting beaten. (#397 – 09/2000)
  • Most wives are like ventriloquists — they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking. (#398 – 10/2000)
  • With current divorce rates, it seems that often times the honeymoon is over before the honeymoon is over. (#399 – 11/2000)
  • Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake. (#400 – 12/2000)
  • A sherperd with no flock falls asleep counting creditors. (#401 – 01/2001)
  • Men who will eat their mother's cooking have an edible complex. (#402 – 02/2001)
  • Be wary of anyone who gives you advice beginning with "Be wary of". (#403 – 03/2001)
  • Success is achieved only by those who are more or less confident, kind of specific and take a relatively firm stand. (#404 – 04/2001)
  • A judge is nothing more than a lawyer who's been benched. (#405 – 05/2001)
  • Parents work so they can give their children abetter life than they had — and then complain about how easy they've got it. (#406 – 06/2001)
  • You can't go home again. At least that's what your parents will tell you on Graduation Day. (#407 – 07/2001)
  • Understatement is a zillion times more effective than exaggeration. (#408 – 08/2001)
  • Every dog has its day — but that day still consists largely of sniffing butts. (#410 – 10/2001)
  • The most troublesome side effect of many prescription drugs is that they make you feel well enough to go back to work. (#411 – 11/2001)
  • It's not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work — it's the pay. (#412 – 12/2001)
  • People who live in glass houses are a Reality TV producer's dream come true. (#413 – 01/2002)
  • Those who don't learn from history ar doomed to repeat it. And the same is true for all your other classes. (#414 – 02/2002)
  • If you lend someone your ear, don't expect to be repaid with interest. (#415 – 03/2002)
  • The problem with instant gratification is that it often takes too long. (#416 – 04/2002)
  • Why is it that when someone's fighting to get in the last word, it's never "Sorry"? (#417 – 05/2002)
  • For some, following in their parents' footsteps is more like a forced march. (#418 – 06/2002)
  • Most people are so concerned about getting in the last word, they ignore all the previous ones. (#420 – 08/2002)
  • Most bosses never lift a finger at work — unless it's to point out something you did wrong. (#421 – 09/2002)
  • Many an election is won by the candidate who can fake sincerity better. (#422 – 10/2002)
  • You can avoid many a close shave by not working yourself up into a lather. (#423 – 11/2002)
  • Just because you put your foot down doesn't mean it won't end up in your mouth. (#424 – 12/2002)
  • Parents are the ones who are there when you want to be alone with a date and nowhere to be found when you need five bucks. (#425 – 01/2003)
  • It used to be that after years of service, your company would give you a gold watch. Now you're lucky if they give you the time of day. (#426 – 02/2003)
  • Money can't buy happiness — but it can rent it repeatedly. (#427 – 03/2003)
  • Before you buy a new mattress, you should probably sleep on it. (#428 – 04/2003)
  • Plenty of people believe in energy conservation — mainly their own. (#429 – 05/2003)
  • More people would think for themselves if someone just told them to. (#430 – 06/2003)
  • To avoid repeating the mistakes of your father, start by not marrying your mother. (#431 – 07/2003)
  • A monkey dressed like a man is still a monkey. But a man dressed like a monkey is a horse's ass. (#432 – 08/2003)
  • If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, it must be a very short walk. (#433 – 09/2003)
  • A gambler who thinks he has a "can't lose" system for winning at blackjack isn't playing with a full deck. (#434 – 10/2003)
  • Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it. (#435 – 11/2003)
  • Youth is like money — it's only after it's gone that you finally realize how you should have spent it. (#436 – 12/2003)
  • Sometimes it seems like only masochists do unto others as they would have done unto themselves. (#437 – 01/2004)
  • Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place. (#438 – 02/2004)
  • The only time most people ar modest is in describing their own faults. (#439 – 03/2004)
  • Most parents' idea of "sound advice" is suggesting that you shut up. (#440 – 04/2004)
  • Most people still believe in a hard day's work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two. (#441 – 05/2004)
  • Whoever said "fighting never solves anything" obviously never won a fight. (#442 – 06/2004)
  • More Americans would speak out on the obesity problem — but it's impolite to talk with your mouth full. (#443 – 07/2004)
  • If ignorance is bliss, you'd think people would be happier when you pointed out what morons they are. (#444 – 08/2004)
  • It's true that school prepares you for job — in both, you sit behind a desk being bored all day. (#445 – 09/2004)
  • When you put someone on a pedestal, it just makes it easier for them to look down on you. (#446 – 10/2004)
  • Quitting smoking is easy... compared to a former smoker talk about quitting. (#447 – 11/2004)
  • Whoever said "Charity begins at home" obviously never asked for a raise in allowance. (#448 – 12/2004)
  • Your parents are right when they say they won't always be there to fight your battles for you — that's because they'll be the ones you're fighting against. (#450 – 02/2005)
  • Parents who complain that you're not going anywhere in life are the same ones who refuse to give you a lift to the mall. (#451 – 03/2005)
  • Nowadays, it seems like the biggest difference between a man's wife and his boss is that when the government comes looking for a handout, the honeymoon is really over. (#452 – 04/2005)
  • People who swear they'll stick to their diet usually end up eating their words. (#453 – 05/2005)
  • Whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" obviously never cut class. (#454 – 06/2005)
  • Parents are the ones who never listen to a word you say — until you mutter something under your breath. (#455 – 07/2005)
  • The problem with being smart is that most people are too stupid to notice. (#456 – 08/2005)
  • Politicians only display creative thinking when making excuses after they get caught doing something illegal. (#457 – 09/2005)
  • Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job. (#458 – 10/2005)
  • If you repeat the same grade once, you're a dummy — if you do it 20 times, you're a teacher. (#459 – 11/2005)
  • Talk is cheap — but say the wrong thing to your parents and it'll cost you. (#460 – 12/2005)
  • Most siblings won't share anything — except embarrassing stories about you. (#461 – 01/2006)
  • It's funny how no one is ever so busy that they can't find the time to complain about how busy they are. (#462 – 02/2006)
  • Many long-time smokers end up having a coffin fit. (#463 – 03/2006)
  • Too many people consider themselves open-minded when they're really just empty-headed. (#464 – 04/2006)
  • How come the same parents who assure you that "it's what's inside that counts" whine endlessly about the way you dress? (#465 – 05/2006)
  • It's funny how whenever your parents tell you to "think about what you did wrong", your answer is always the same — you got caught. (#466 – 06/2006)
  • Everyday is a gift — but good luck exchanging it if you don'tlike it. (#467 – 07/2006)
  • Vegetarians who go back to meat have to start by eating crow. (#468 – 08/2006)
  • The problem with parents putting in their two cents is that they expect change. (#470 – 10/2006)
  • How is it that a well-rounded diet consists of three square meals? (#471 – 11/2006)
  • To be a member of the upper crust you need a lot of dough. (#472 – 12/2006)
  • Why is it that when it comes to doing something about global warming, most politicians get cold feet? (#473 – 01/2007)
  • Why doesn't time ever fly when you're stuck in an airplane? (#474 – 02/2007)
  • An arrested drunk is someone who got nailed for getting hammered. (#475 – 03/2007)
  • If we don't do something to stop global warming, pretty soon we'll all be in hot water. (#476 – 04/2007)
  • In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Also, there's lots of competition for handicapped parking. (#477 – 05/2007)
  • Nowadays, at many airlines, the only thing "up in the air" is whether the plane will ever take off. (#478 – 06/2007)
  • Most people's definition of a dumb person is someone who doesn't recognize their brilliance. (#479 – 07/2007)
  • The stupid person says, "It's impossible". The smart person says, "It's possible, if we can get enough stupid people to do it." (#480 – 08/2007)
  • Haste makes waste, but at least it does so quickly. (#481 – 09/2007)
  • It's said a picture is worth a thousand words, but try telling that to a teacher who assigned you a thousand-word essay. (#482 – 10/2007)
  • Just because you wear the pants in your family doesn't mean it'll be your hands in the pockets. (#483 – 11/2007)
  • Parents say that anything worth doing is worth doing right. Luckily, whatever they ask you to do is never worth doing. (#484 – 12/2007)
  • A watch without hands tells no time, but neither does a digital watch with no batteries. (#485 – 01/2008)
  • Whoever said nothing is gained by cheating never cheated on a diet. (#486 – 02/2008)
  • Getting homework after a full day of school is like being forced to take home a doggy bag from a lousy restaurant. (#487 – 03/2008)
  • When it comes to the lack of cleanliness at public urinals, it's amazing what some guys will stand for. (#489 – 05/2008)
  • Presidents are like diapers — just because you've changed the old one doesn't mean the new one's not going to end up being full of crap, too. (#490 – 06/2008)
  • The problem with talking in circles is that it's impossible to find a point. (#491 – 07/2008)
  • Once you've learned to ride a bike, you'll never forget — too bad the same's not true about the combination lock you chained it up with. (#492 – 08/2008)
  • It's funny how the dumbest son and shrillest daughter-in-law never fail to produce the smartest, sweetest grandchildren on the planet. (#493 – 09/2008)
  • People who don't vote are electing to stay out of it. (#495 – 11/2008)
  • When most people think about their problems, the only thing they figure out is that they're too dumb to fix them. (#496 – 12/2008)
  • Many students believe originality means being the first to plagiarize an author's work. (#497 – 01/2009)
  • There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two kinds of people and those who don't. (#498 – 02/2009)
  • Hybrid SUV's are like adult diapers — they don't really solve anything, but they make people feel better about the mess they're making. (#499 – 04/2009)
  • Having a smoking section in a restaurant makes about as much sense as having a peeing section in a swimming pool. (#500 – 06/2009)
  • Trying to enjoy the last few days of summer, knowing school is about to start, is like trying to enjoy the last few minutes of an in-flight movie, knowing your plane is about to crash. (#501 – 10/2009)

2010s[edit]

  • There's a lot to be said for brevity. (#502 – 01/2010)
  • Everyone wants politicians that are just like them — then they're upset when they are. (#503 – 05/2010)
  • People who favor racial profiling should be sent back to where they came from. (#504 – 08/2010)
  • Ask not what your country can do for you — you're just going to be disappointed with the answer. (#505 – 10/2010)
  • Naysayers have it all wrong. (#506 – 12/2010)
  • Too often, the helping hand you're being offered ends up in your pocket. (#507 – 02/2011)
  • Nowadays, a loner is someone who only has 400 friends on Facebook. (#508 – 04/2011)
  • Why is it that people who want government to be small always have the biggest mouths? (#509 – 06/2011)
  • The only thing more depressing than another presidential election is what's likely to result from it. (#510 – 08/2011)
  • If you always see your glass as half empty, try getting a smaller glass. (#512 – 12/2011)
  • America is still the greatest country in the world... but only because all the other countries are collapsing even faster than we are. (#513 – 02/2012)
  • No one's doing anything about the growing apathy in this country. (#514 – 04/2012)
  • "Don't ask, don't tell" was a terrible policy for the military, but a great one for Internet search histories. (#515 – 06/2012)
  • Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#516 – 08/2012)
  • You can't judge a book by its cover — and the user reviews on Amazon are usually just as worthless. (#517 – 10/2012)
  • For most people, being reflective means spending hours in front of a mirror. (#518 – 12/2012)
  • We can fix America's plummeting test scores in math if we all just give 110 percent. (#519 – 02/2013)
  • Yoga is great practice for marriage — all you do is bend over backwards when someone tells you to. (#520 – 04/2013) [3]
  • No matter how sensible gun legislation is, it always seems to get shotdown. (#521 – 06/2013)
  • The sooner you figure out that looks can only get you so far in life, the uglier you probably are. (#522 – 09/2013)
  • If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (#523 – 10/2013)
  • Most people simply repeat whatever they hear. You can quote me on that. (#524 – 12/2013)
  • Constantly looking at your smartphone can really make you look stupid. (#525 – 01/2014)
  • Whoever said times heals all wounds was probably never beheaded. (#526 – 04/2014)
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away — but only if you throw it really hard. (#527 – 06/2014)
  • Skinny jeans should only be worn by people with skinny genes. (#528 – 08/2014)
  • These days, you'd have to be crazy to run for political office — and that pretty much explains everything. (#529 – 10/2014)
  • People try to throw money at all of their problems — except their debts. (#530 – 12/2014)
  • Nowadays, "junk" mail refers to when some guy sends you an unwanted sext. (#531 – 02/2015)
  • Flattery can get you far in life — but you're so smart, you probably already knew that. (#532 – 04/2015)
  • Lawyers spend three years trying to pass the bar — and the rest of their careers lowering it. (#533 – 06/2015)
  • Cheating on your diet is a piece of cake — and vice versa. (#534 – 08/2015)
  • Even though America has a two-party system, it's still nothing to celebrate. (#535 – 10/2015)
  • Our country's colleges are making sure that jobs stay in America — one loan officer at a time. (#536 – 12/2015)
  • When people get a taste of their own medicine, it usualy makes them sick. (#537 – 02/2016)
  • Too many skinny dippers concentrate only on the dipping, and not enough on the skinny. (#538 – 04/2016)
  • Most of the talk around the water cooler is about how it's the only water that's safe to drink. (#539 – 06/2016)
  • Just because someone has a trophy wife doesn't mean they're not a loser. (#540 – 08/2016)
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away — especially if you nailhim in the solar plexus. (#541 – 10/2016)
  • Throwing in your two cents may end up costing you. (#542 – 12/2016)
  • There's no "I" in "team" — but how many athletes these days can even spell? (#543 – 02/2017)
  • Most people who say "it's always darker before the dawn" never explain what they're doing up that early. (#544 – 04/2017)
  • Nothing beats the satisfaction of a job well done — especially if you weren't the one who had to do it. (#545 – 06/2017)
  • Whoever said "it's lonely at the top" was probably talking to himself. (#546 – 08/2017)
  • "Watch out for your fellowman" is good advice, no matter how you interpret it. (#547 – 10/2017)
  • On their deathbed, no one wishes they'd spent more time at work... but plenty of people at work wish they were on their deathbed instead. (#548 – 12/2017)
  • One good thing about World War 3: at least there won't be any more sequels. (#549 – 02/2018)
  • Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life... because you'll be unemployed. (#550 – 04/2018)
  • A first issue of a magazine is like a first flower in spring. Except we actually had to murder plants to make this. (#1 – 06/2018) [4]
  • You can't teach an old man to fish, but you can teach him to microwave some tuna and make everyoneelse at the retirement home really angry. (#3 – 10/2018)
  • Disney sets painfully unrealistic expectations. No dogs will eat my spaghetti. (#4 – 12/2018)
  • I have a face that only a mother could love, which is why I'm dating your mom. (#5 – 02/2019)
  • Nothing is certain except for death and taxes, unless you're rich, then just death. (#6 – 04/2019)
  • The end of a vacation is like a thirsty stick: it sucks. Unless the vacation ws full of ticks. (#7 – 06/2019 p. 5)
  • Mythical is just mystical spoken with a lisp. (#7 – p. 6)
  • Baby changing stations should be outlawed. Babies are fine just the way they are! (#7 – p. 35)
  • The word boobs is so scary until you get to the second b. (#7 – p. 44)
  • Make your life a little sillier by assuming glock is short for glockenspiel in rap songs. (#8 – 08/2019)

References[edit]

  1. On the cover ; January 1900 on page 1.
  2. Cf. #363 – 11/1997.
  3. Same as #516 – 08/2012
  4. New series.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: