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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 | Main | Film: Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh

Drake & Josh is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers.

Josh Runs Into Oprah

[edit]
[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]
Megan: Ta-da.
Josh: You made me a birthday cake?
Megan: Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. There!
Josh: Wow! This is really good! It’s full of poison, isn't it?
Megan: No!
Josh: No, what then, huh, huh, huh?! Hot sauce, some kind of extreme laxident?!
Megan: Oh, c'mon. I wouldn't let you eat a cake that made you sick on your birthday.
Josh: I'm sorry.
Megan: It's okay. Make a wish!
Josh: Alright!
[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake and it explodes and he turns around to Megan with cake pieces on his face]
Megan: I didn't say it wouldn't explode.
Josh: I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it.
Drake: Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! [Josh screams]
[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]
Woman: OPRAH!!! Oh, my God! Oprah! Somebody call for help!
Josh: I RAN OVER OPRAH!!!
[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath. His skin is now intensely orange, as if from a bad tan.]
Drake: Hey, man.
Josh: HEY, MAN?!
Drake: Hey... man?
Josh: You left me at hospital to be chemically bathed!
Drake: Oh, yeah, how'd it go?
Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!!
Drake: Kay, what up with the 'tude?
Josh: D'you know what its like to get an involuntary chemical bath? it stings...EVERYWHERE!
Drake: Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay?
Josh: No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress. You are never going to make up anything to me ever again.
Drake: Wait, do these sound okay to you? [Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves] Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
Josh: NOT REALLY! [slams the door]

Vicious Tiberius

[edit]
Walter: I'm gonna be here all night working out.
Drake: Ha!
Walter: [angrily] It's not funny!
[Drake and Josh found out that Walter did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]
Drake: Well?
Josh: No answer.
Drake: You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it--
Josh: No, I think I know our own number.
Drake: Dude, just let me try-- [he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet] Nice! [sees Josh's phone in the toilet]
Josh: It's your fault. Go get it.
Drake: I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees!
Josh: Probably doesn't even work anymore.
Drake: Yeah, well, let's see. [flushes Josh's phone away] It still works.
Josh: I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE!
Drake: Oh, well, that's gone.
Megan: [offscreen] Hello? Anybody home?
Josh: Who's that?
Drake: It sounds like Megan.
Megan: [offscreen] Drake? Josh?
Josh: That is Megan, how does she know? Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius!
Drake: Oh, he'll eat her alive!
Josh: C'mon! [tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door] Dude!
Drake: [blocks the door] Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to.
Josh: That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her!
Drake: Alright.
Josh: C'mon. [he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loud whispers] Megan! Run!
Megan: I don't wanna run.
Drake: [loud whisper] But he's vicious.
Megan: Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.
[Drake and Josh walk over to her]
Josh: I don't get it. Well, he's all calm.
Drake: Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense.
Megan: Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up two hours ago.
Josh: How'd you know we were here?
Megan: Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't.
Josh: We couldn't.
Drake: Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog.
Megan: What're you talking about?
Josh: When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us.
Megan: Really?
Drake and Josh: Yeah/Uh-huh.
Megan: [satisfied] See ya.
[after Megan leaves the house, Tiberius traps Drake and Josh in the bathroom again]
Animal control guy: What, you've never seen a man widdling on a toilet?
Drake: So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain Old Jersey?
Josh: I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn it to channel 5. I'm going to go grab a drink. [he goes in the kitchen to grab a drink]
[while a terrified Walter still gets chased by Tiberius, Josh grabs a drink from the kitchen]
Drake: So is there an Old Hampshire?

The Wedding

[edit]
[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]
Josh: So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine.
Drake: Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you.
Josh: She's almost 90 years old.
Drake: She's like 90,000 years old.
Josh: She's not nice!
Drake: She is mean. [moves closer to the screen] Mean to the bone!
Josh: Something's not right about Aunt Catherine.
Drake: She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well!
Josh: Oh, and get this.
Drake and Josh: Aunt Catherine's getting married!
Josh: I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old?
Drake: You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.
Josh: I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. [turns to Drake] Do ya?
Drake: Totally.
Craig: Who's getting married?
Drake: [disgruntled] Our Great Aunt Catherine.
Eric: Isn't she like 87?
Drake: 89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us.
Drake: Can we just go?
Josh: Why are you in such a hurry?
Drake: 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad.
Josh: Yeah, so do I.
Drake: Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake.
Josh: Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... [notices his laptop case gone] Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here.
Drake: Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric.
Josh: You-you what?!
Drake: They told me you said it was cool.
Josh: Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my laptop, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car!
Drake: Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back.
Josh: No, we can't. They don't have cell phones.
Drake: Why?
Josh: 'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it, and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores!
Drake: Craig does get a lot of ear sores.
Josh: Look, we cannot be late to this wedding!
Drake: Right, okay, um... Trevor!
Josh: What about Trevor?
Drake: We'll borrow his car.
Josh: His girlfriend sleeps in it.
Drake: No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now.
Josh: I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross.
Drake: So is Aunt Catherine.
Josh: Drake, if we--
Drake: Dude, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. [starts calling Trevor on the phone]
[Trevor's old car breaks down]
Drake: It won't start.
Josh: Oh, really?
[a cop car drives up behind Trevor's car and 2 cops get out of their car]
Cop #2: Looks like somebody parked here illegally.
Cop #1: I'll write 'em a ticket.
Cop #2: How come I've never met your wife?
Cop #1: Huh?
Cop #2: You know, we've been working together for like 3 years now, and I just think it's weird that you never let me meet your wife.
Cop #1: Oh, well, um... she's just uh, she's just shy.
Cop #2: You're not really married, are ya?
Cop #1: What?
[the other cop shrugs]
Cop #1: Of course I am! You can't just pretend to be married and not have a wife. I mean, come on. What're you talking about?
Cop #2: Let me meet her.
Cop #1: Alright, alright. I'm not married. There's no Marissa.
Cop #2: You made up Marissa?
Cop #1: Well, no. There was a Marissa in the 9th grade. I asked her to the school dance, and she just... she just laughed at me.
Cop #2: It's okay, buddy. I understand.
Cop #1: I feel so dumb.
[Drake notices the name tag on Leslie's uniform]
Drake: Leslie's Towing Company, huh?
Leslie: Yeah. Been in the towing business for 23 years.
Drake: So, who's Leslie, your wife?
Leslie: No. Leslie's my name.
[Drake laughs about what Leslie said]
Leslie: Something funny about that?
Drake: Well, yeah, I mean, Leslie's a girl's name.
Leslie: Oh, is that what you think?
Josh: Uh, what my brother meant to say was, we don't think Leslie's a girl's name. We think it's a guy's name, dude. A man's name, [imitates Leslie] a very man's name. Grr.
Drake: No, it's not. Leslie's totally--
Josh: Silence!
Leslie: [to Drake] Listen, boy. I was named after my father, he was named after his father, and they both fought in wars.
Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like five Leslies. All girls.
Leslie: Okay, uh, you know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.
Josh: No. No, no, no, please, wait, don't leave!
Leslie: [without turning around] ROT IN A SACK!
[drives away as Josh turns to Drake]
Josh: You had to make fun of the man's name?!

Mindy Loves Josh

[edit]
Josh: What do you want?
Megan: There's a couple of guys outside stealing your bike.
Josh: Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! [runs outside] Hey!
Mindy: Maybe, I should have call the police.
Megan: Nah, no ones stealing his bike.
Mindy: What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing.
Megan: Yeah.
Megan: What are you eating?
Drake: Big cookie.
Megan: That was my big cookie!
Josh: Mindy just told me she loves me!
Drake: [accidentally hits him] WHAT?!
Josh: Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… [Drake runs in, panicked by his green hands after Megan sprayed them]
Drake: JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!!
Josh: What's wrong, what happened? [Drake shows him his green hands] WHOA!!!!! W-Why are your hands green!?
Drake: I-I dunno! I woke up, went to the bathroom, and my hands were green!
Josh: Well, did ya try washin' 'em!?
Drake: Yeah, for 10 minutes, man! I even used soap.
[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]
Drake: Oh, it's you. Close the door!
Megan: [closes the door and walks up to Drake] What's going on?
Drake: Swear not to tell mom and dad?
Megan: Swear.
Drake: Well, I have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis.
Megan: [gasps] Oh my god! Are you okay?
Drake: I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee.
Megan: Or you know there is another cure.
Drake: What?
Megan: Next time, don't eat my big cookie.
Drake: What are you saying?
Megan: I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying.
Drake: Megan!
Megan: You have a little somethin' on your upper lip.
[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]
Drake: Wait!
Megan: What?
Drake: Is it gone?
[Megan leaves the room]

Who's Got Game?

[edit]
Carly: [walks up to Drake] Help you find something?
Drake: Oh no, I got- [turns to see her] No, I got it.
Carly: Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton".
Drake: No way, I was there.
Carly: Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening.
Drake: Yeah, that was me!
Carly: I was kidding.
Drake: Me, too.
Carly: Come on, I'll ring you up.
Drake: Okay.
[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]
Drake: You have bad taste in music! And you, your head's shaped like a lemon! And you, you smell weird.
Man: The city shut off my water.
Carly: Ok, that was pathetic.
Josh: [walks up to Drake] Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed.
Drake: What? [turns around to Josh]
Josh: Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one.
Drake: Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win.
Josh: I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! [laughs] JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! [flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment] See you guys at home. [walks away]

The Great Doheny

[edit]
Josh: Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. [runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]
Megan: Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician?
Henry: Hmmm. [pretends to think] Why don't you, reach into, [points to trash can and Megan looks at it] that decorative trash can and tell me.
Megan: [looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps] A bunny!
Henry: Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose.
Megan: [puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs] Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her?
Henry: I insist!
Megan: Thanks! You’re so cute. [goes to her room, admiring Cookie]
Henry: [To Drake] Pick a card!
Drake: Fine. [picks a card] Now what?
Henry: Now, put it back. [Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket] Very good.
Drake: [looks at Doheny with a weird gaze] So what's my card?
Henry: Cough. [Drake coughs out a card] Now, open it. [Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking] Is that your card?
Drake: Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body?


Walter: [looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald] Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. [leaving the room] Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald!
Henry: Henry Dohney is back from the death!

I Love Sushi

[edit]
Josh: [presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video] Dear pump my room, this is our living room.
Drake: A room, in which we live.
Josh: Um, we really hope we win this makeover.
Drake: But not for us.
Josh: For our parents.
Drake: We call them, "Mom and Dad".
Josh: You see, my dad married his mom almost 5 years ago.
Drake: I am still in shock.
Josh: And soon, it'll be their 5th anniversary.
Drake: [sheepishly] Still in shock.
Josh: Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy.
Drake: So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us.
Josh: Eh, our parents.
Drake: For the special gift, of a room makeover. [desperately] Please.
Josh: [desperately] Please. [Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]
Josh: Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes.
Drake: Who's ready to go inside?
Audrey: What is up with you guys?
Walter: Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city.
Drake: Get ready. [he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]
Drake and Josh: HAPPY ANNIVERS- [they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen] -[lamely] sery.
Walter: Drake?
Audrey: Josh!
Walter: Where's our stuff?
Josh: We've been robbed!
Drake: [curious] Surprise!
[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]
[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]
Sergeant Doty: Hey! [walks up to Drake and Josh] Do you think eggs are funny? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer?
Drake: We didn't throw an egg at you.
Josh: We don't have any eggs on us.
Sergeant Doty: [picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter] Then whose are these? The egg fairies?
Josh: We don't even know where those came from.
Sergeant Doty: [satisfied] 50 pushups.
Josh: But you can't make us do-
Sergeant Doty: [angrily] PUSHUPS!
[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while Megan and Tyler are both satisfied that Drake and Josh did it instead of them]
Drake and Josh: Oh!
Drake: 1.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 2.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 3.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 4.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 5.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 6.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 7.
Josh: Ow.
Drake: 8. 9.
Mr. Nadel: Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. [Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office] What do you want?
Josh: We understand that you give people temporary jobs?
Mr. Nadel: So?
Josh: And we'd like one.
Mr. Nadel: And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
Drake: [Sarcastically] Yeah, well good luck with that.
Mr. Nadel: Ok, what are your skills?
Drake: I play guitar and date girls.
Josh: Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was voted most polite child-
Mr. Nadel: [yells] NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! [in a normal voice] Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo?
Drake: [Sarcastically] Wow, they all sound so wonderful.
Josh: Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive?
Drake: Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot.
Mr. Nadel: Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date.
Josh: You already said that.
Mr. Nadel: [yelling] WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
Drake: We just want jobs.
Mr. Nadel: Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you?
Josh: Well, what would we have to do?
Mr. Nadel: You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each.
Josh: Yeah, we'll take it.
Mr. Nadel: Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00.
Drake: 8:00?
Josh: We'll be there.
Mr. Nadel: Yeah, yeah.
[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]
Phone: The number you have reached has been disconnected
Mr. Nadel: [bangs on desk] EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! [knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]
Drake: Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else...
[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]
Josh: The Furniture's back!
Drake: We did it!
Josh: We didn't do anything!
Audrey: Howdy, boys.
Walter: Surprised?
Josh: Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back?
Audrey: The police found the robbers moving van.
Walter: It was broken down about a half a mile up the street.
Drake: And they found everything?
Walter: Yep.
Audrey: It's all here. [smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh] Do I smell rotting sushi?
Drake: Yeah, it's a long story.
Josh: Uh see we...
Walter: [cuts Josh off at mid sentence] We don't want to know.

The Storm

[edit]
[after Drake and his band were rehearsing for their concert]
Julio: Pretty tight.
Gary: Yep.
Drake: Uh, no. We were not tight, alright? That was loose. We were weak.
Gary: Oh, come on, man.
Julio: What's the problem?
Drake: The problem? Man, you were two beats behind the whole song. [to the other guitarist] You were playing an A minor, not an A7. [to Gary] And you? Dude, you're wearing a woman's shirt.
Gary: It's called a blouse. [Drake looks at him with a questioning look] It's my sister's, okay? All my clothes were dirty.
Drake: Well, why would you wear your sister's clothes?
[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy, one of his ex-girlfriends]
Eric: Ow.
Drake: That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend?
Eric: Well, yeah. When we were going over the guest list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends.
Drake: Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--?
[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]
Eric: Ow!
Drake: Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here?
Eric: Just those two, I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery!
Walter: Hey, I'm a professional weatherman.
Drake: [after being on the phone with Josh] That was Josh.
Julio: They cancelled the concert?
Drake: The whole stage is underwater.
Gary: My uncle's got a boat!
Drake: That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and SAIL OFF TO MORON ISLAND?!!!
Crazy Steve: C'MON, DORA!!!

My Dinner with Bobo

[edit]
[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]
Megan: [looking at a car with tattooed flowers] Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one!
Drake: Shall we harmonize?
Josh: Let's.
Drake and Josh: [singing] No!
Megan: Dad said I can help pick out the car.
Drake: Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one.
Megan: Don't push me.
Stan the Car Man: [appears and gets out of his cart] Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car.
Josh: Hey, you're Stan the Car Man.
Stan the Car Man: The very same.
Josh: I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man!
Drake: Who also sells trucks and vans.
Stan the Car Man: I don't like it when people imitate me.
Josh: I'm sorry.
Drake: I'm also sorry. [points at a monkey] Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! [picks up Bobo]
Stan the Car Man: He seems to have taken a liking to you too!
Drake: Aw, he's awesome.
Megan: Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math.
Stan the Car Man: How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle?
Drake: About $2400.
Stan the Car Man: $2400. About what car did you had in mind?
Josh: Something safe.
Drake: Something fast.
Josh: Gets good mileage.
Drake: It's gotta have satellite radio.
Josh: Heated seats would be nice.
Stan the Car Man: Huh?
Josh: I get cold down there.
Megan: Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems.
Josh: Dr. Fish bum is.
Drake: Look, can you just show us something we can afford?
Stan the Car Man: Well, I surely can. Right over there!
Josh: Alright.
Drake: Come on. [he and Josh walk away]
Stan the Car Man: Butt temperature problems?
Megan: He's a mess. [she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]
[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]
Dr. Favershim: Come in.
Drake: We are in.
Josh: Yeah. And we want Bobo back.
Dr. Favershim: I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends.
Drake: Yeah, well deal's off.
Josh: So just take your check back and give us Bobo.
Dr. Favershim: Are you sure?
Drake: Yes.
Josh: Absolutely.
Dr. Favershim: Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him.
Josh: Back of the closet?
Dr. Favershim: Good.
Josh: Come on dude, let's go get him.
Drake: Whoa? Is he in here?
Josh: Perhaps.
Drake: In the coat, where is he?
[when Dr. Favershim locked Drake and Josh in the closet so he could eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]
Dr. Favershim: I'm sorry, boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. [takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage] Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste.
Josh: [inside the closet] You open the door or we're gonna call the cops!
Drake: [inside the closet] Yeah, we have a cellphone in here!
Dr. Favershim: You have no cellphone.
Josh: [inside the closet] Do, too!
Dr. Favershim: Prove it.
Josh: [inside the closet] How?
Dr. Favershim: Play me a ringtone.
[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]
Drake: [inside the closet] See? I told ya we got a cellphone!
Dr. Favershim: Does it have Bluetooth?
Josh: [inside the closet] What?!?!
Dr. Favershim: Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth?
Josh: [inside the closet] Ya, dude, it has Bluetooth.
Dr. Favershim: I don't believe you. Show me.
Josh: [inside the closet] Fine! Then, open the door! [Dr. Favershim opens door] See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! [Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again] What?! Oh, man!
Drake: [inside the closet] Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth!
Josh: [inside the closet] Don't start with me! [Josh slaps Drake off-screen]
Drake: [inside the closet] Ow!
[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]

Tree House

[edit]
[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse while they're trying to rebuild it]
Josh: [worried] Drake…?
Drake: What?
Josh: Where's the door hole?
Drake: It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker.
Josh: You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw!
Drake: Dude, I'm gonna!
Josh: Oh, really?
Drake: Yes!
Josh: So go get the power saw.
Drake: Okay, I will! [tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is] I see the problem….
Josh: [angrily] Oh, do ya?!
Josh: Cone!
Drake: Whatever!
[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]
Megan: [walks to Drake with a snow cone] Hey boob.
Drake: Where you've been?
Megan: I told you I was going to get a snow cone.
Drake: Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here?
Megan: Let me think, no!
Drake: Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those 2 hot identical twins, I swear- [Josh grabs him]
Josh: Hey!
Drake: What?
Josh: We don't need that power saw!
Drake: Then how are we gonna get out of here?
Josh: [grabs the power screwdriver] Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out!
Drake: Do it brother!
Josh: Okay. [he power screws the door but realized it's dead] Set this baby to reverse.
Drake: Why'd it stop?
Josh: I don't know. The screwdriver- [looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it] MEGAN!
Megan: [satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver] Yes, can I help you?
[while Megan is grilling burgers on the grill]
Josh: Hey. Hey, you forgot one thing, Megan.
Megan: No. [holds up a pack of buns] I got buns right here.
Josh: I meant we're gonna tell Mom and Dad, and then you're gonna be in huge trouble.
Megan: Well, you're gonna have to wait, 'cause Mom and Dad went out to have dinner and see a movie with the Schneiders.
Josh: Stupid Schneiders.
Drake: 1, 2, hit it!

Josh Is Done

[edit]
Drake: C'mon, let's play ping-pong!
Josh: Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping.
Drake: And the battle begins! [rings bell] Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong?
Josh: Wahahaha. I am prepared, Young Szechwan. Your pong is no match for my ping!
Drake: Ahh, do your worst! [he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh's horror] You have smashed the window of transparency!
Josh: [runs to the broken window] Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me!
Drake: Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game.
Josh: I don't have a paddle!
Drake: Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec.
Josh: We can't be late for this-
Drake: I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. [gives Josh the book and leaves the room]
Josh: I don't think it leaves us enough- [opens the book and reads a page] What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. [yells]
Josh: [All sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door] PLEASE! PLEASE, LET ME IN!! I'M SORRY I'M LATE! [Drake looks at him from his desk]
Mr. Roland: [Opens the door] Mr. Nichols, you know the rule.
Josh: B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to-
Mr. Roland: I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcome in my class.
Josh: Uh, b-but w-what about the exam?
Mr. Roland: You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade!
Josh: [Very upset and despairing] Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! [Points at Drake angrily] YOU!
Drake: [Defensively] What?
Josh: [Yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares] COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!!
Mr. Roland: [enraged] Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW!
Josh: But I-
Mr. Roland: NOW!
Josh: I just-
Mr. Roland: NOW!
Josh: [defeated] Now...? [Leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case] Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! [Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]
Mr. Roland: As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. [Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.] You will use a #2 pencil.
Josh: [Sobbing] I work so hard!
Mr. Roland: [Closes first blind] Not #1, not #3.
Josh: [Still sobbing] So unbelievably hard!
Mr. Roland: [Closes second blind] If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them!
Josh: [Still sobbing] I really do, I give everything a hundred…
Mr. Roland: [Closes last blind] I want silence in this classroom!Silence is golden.
Josh: [Freaks out] Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!
Drake: [Gets home after the exam, (which he failed most likely), and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together. Josh is instead smiling] Hey, Josh. What goes on?
Josh: [strangely happy] Just readin' my book.
Drake: [signs] Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat.
Josh: [Knowing that Drake's apology is fake] Yes, yes. She's very pretty.
Drake: Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! [Josh says nothing] Sit-n-bounce!
Josh: No, thanks.
Megan: Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that?
Drake: [sarcastically] No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. [plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]
Josh: Can you please move?
Drake: [stop bouncing] Come On, dude, I said I was sorry.
Josh: Yeah, I heard you.
Drake: Well, stop being mad at me.
Josh: I'm not mad at you. I'm done.
Drake: What's that supposed to mean?
Josh: I don't want anything to do with you anymore.
Drake: So what, are you gonna move out?
Josh: No, this is a house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. [walks away, leaving Drake concerned]
Megan: Whoa!
Drake: What?
Megan: You really did it this time.
Drake: Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been furious with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it.
Megan: I dunno, he sounded pretty serious.
Drake: Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up-
Robbie: [walks in] I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! [kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]
[A few days later at the Premiere, Josh, Craig, Eric, and Leah are hanging out laughing listening to a funny story from Eric and Craig]
Eric: And so me and Craig are in the swimming pool, we're halfway through a game of Marco Polo.
Craig: I look down and realize he still has his socks on!
[Everyone laughs]
[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]
Drake: [arrives at the Premiere] Hello, Josh.
Josh: Hi, Drake.
Craig: Why are you all sweaty?
Drake: I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car!
Josh: It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas.
Drake: You always fill up the car!
Josh: Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself.
Drake: Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING!
Leah: Movie tickets here are $11.
Drake: What?
Eric: And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7.
Drake: D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! [yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]
Josh: [clears throat, grabs the communicator] Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. [beeps] So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich?
Steve: I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold.
Craig: No, I think it's the other way around.
Eric: Okay, but what's a grinder?
Leah: Same thing as a hoagie.
Drake: [getting dragged by the security guards] Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him.
Security Guard: Is this guy a friend of yours?
[pause]
Josh: [satisfied] No, he's not.
Drake: [frustrated] Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!!
Josh: So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh?
Leah, Steve, Eric, & Craig: [All talking at once in agreement] Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah.
Steve: All in the sandwich family.
Drake: [After being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand] Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling!
Craig: Chemical emergency! [Turns on the alarm]
Mr. Roland: Let's get him in the power-shower! [Grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]
Drake: Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? [Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water] What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! [Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]
Mr. Roland: Drake, are you alright?
Drake: Hey! What is this water!? Ow! [Continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]
Mr. Roland: [turns off the water] Drake, you may come out now. [Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning] Sit down, Drake. [Drake ignores him, walks towards the door] Drake, sit down!
Drake: No!
Mr. Roland: Drake!
Drake: Josh!
Josh: What?
Drake: Look, I'm sorry.
Josh: Well--
Drake: Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.
Josh: What do you mean?
Drake: I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you way more than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. [tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]
Mr. Roland: Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake?
Josh: [realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way] No. No, sir.
Mr. Roland: Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments.
[As Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]
Josh: Hoaw! We have unfinished business, Young Szechuan.
Drake: Josh….
Josh: Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Monguku. [Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]
Drake: Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak!
Josh: Your foolishness, Young Szechuan, has sealed your fate!
Drake: Aw, destiny is mine! [They both play ping-pong ball together with kung-fu yells at every swing and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]

Eric Punches Drake

[edit]
Mr. Roland: Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry textbooks just arrived. They're in my classroom.
Mindy: No way!
Josh: Oh, come on!
Craig: Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream?
Eric: Remember? One does not forget the woo-choo fist of silence. [Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process] Oh, my God!
Craig: Drake, are you alright!?
Josh: Hey, Craig.
Craig: Evenin'.
Josh: Where's Eric?
Craig: Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye.
Josh: He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you?
Drake: Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me.
Craig: I'M Craig!
Drake: [scoffs] It matters.
[door bell rings]
Josh: Yo, Drake, get that!
Drake: Got it. [opens the door and finds Mindy there] Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch?
Mindy: Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts.
Drake: You shebeast!
Mindy: Microbrain!
Drake: Weirdface!
Mindy: Ignoramus!
Drake: [beat] What?
Mindy: Exactly!
Chad: Hey.
Mindy: Oh, hey.
Chad: Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill.
Mindy: Oh, no problem. Step aside. [both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]
Drake: JOSH!
Josh: [jumps, accidentally flips the projector] Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance!
Drake: No, I need to talk to you! [to Craig] Get out. [Craig walks out]
Josh: What?
Drake: Mindy's here.
Josh: I know, I invited her.
Drake: Did you invite him? [turns Josh's head around towards Chad]
Josh: Who's him?
Drake: Her date.
Josh: [shudders] I don't care.
Drake: Yes, you do!
Drake: Hey, Clayton.
Clayton: [mumbling] Hi.
[Drake sips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]
Drake: Hello?
Boy: [sees Drake's black eye] It's true!
Drake: Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident.
Boy: That's not what we heard.
Drake: And what did you hear?
Boy: That you were making fun of Eric's sister.
Girl: Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd.
Drake: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!
Crazy Steve: Excuse me, Josh.
Josh: What!?
Crazy Steve: I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way.
Josh: I AM angry! Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face.
Craig: [pops up from the trash can] Hello.
Drake: [screams] Craig?
Craig: Are you alone?
Drake: Yeah, I'm alone.
Craig: Good. [holds out a bag of pork rinds] Pork rind?
Drake: Sure. [takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it] So you're the one that sent the blimp?
Craig: That's right.
Drake: [concerned] Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend.
Craig: WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me!
Drake: Rat's hat?
Craig: [furious] He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old! THAT I'M THE ONE WHO DRIED HIS TEARS WHEN HIS IGUANA GOT DIABETES! THAT I--
Drake: [He interrupts Craig] OKAY, OKAY, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him.
Craig: Ok, but first you have to promise me something.
Drake: What?
Craig: I love to sing.
Drake: [confused, steps aside] And?
Craig: And you're like a professional singer.
Drake: [still confused] You wanna sing a song with me?
Craig: I've wanted this for a long time!
Drake: Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me.
Craig: Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist.
Drake: I thought he was Jewish.
Craig: A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight.
Drake: Okay...
Craig: So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you!
Drake: Uh-huh!
Craig: And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me! And don't forget our song.
Drake: I won't forget the song.
Craig: Good, I'll start practicing.
[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]
Drake: [he stops the argument about stacks of cards] Okay, you know what?! You know what?! Enough with the cards, alright?! I got big problems!
Josh: What, that Eric thing?
Drake: Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what?
Josh: What?
Drake: I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head!
Josh: You don't want to do that! [grabs him]
Drake: Then give me a one good reason.
Josh: 'Cause it's not gonna help you! Alright? It's just gonna make you look worse or you're gonna handle these things maturely.
Drake: Kinda like you do with Mindy?!
Josh: DIFFERENT!!! [crosses his arms]
Drake: It's not different?
Josh: Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage, OUTRAGE!!!
Drake: And Eric wrecking my life isn't?!
Josh: I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- [the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]
Clayton: [worried, mumbling] Why?
[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]
Chad: Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale?
Josh: Oh, you want some ginger ale, do you!? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale!! Oh, no! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad!!! Why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth!? So Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!!

Megan's Revenge

[edit]
[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]
Drake: Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out.
Josh: Yeah, me, too. [looks at Megan's hamster] Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face.
Drake: Look, let's just get out of here.
Josh: Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him.
Drake: Well, hurry.
Josh: Okay! Smile, Hervay.
[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]
Drake: Awww. He's playing dead.
Josh: I think he really is dead!
Drake: Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us!
Josh: W-W-What can I do about it?
Drake: I don't know you watch o.r.! Fix him.
Josh: Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone.
Drake: Just give him CPR!
Josh: [whining] Oh Alright! [takes out Hervay from his cage] Stay with me buddy, stay with me!
Drake: Okay.
Josh: [blows on Hervay's mouth] 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! [blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails] That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it!
Drake: NO! [runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]
Josh: [gaves Drake backwards] HE'S GONE!
Drake: Josh, Megan is going to kill us!
Josh: Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand.
Drake: Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON!
Josh: WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!
[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his cage and spins his running wheel as they leave Megan's room fast]
Drake: She got us, by not getting us.
Josh: Genius.
[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]
Megan: Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned. He's fine, see? [shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]
Drake and Josh: MEGAN!

Steered Straight

[edit]
Josh: Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.
Drake: You are, Mr... [pulls out fake ID] Yakitori!
Josh: [takes fake ID and looks at it] What's this?
Drake: Fake ID, here, check mine out. [takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]
Josh: [reads the name on Drake's fake ID] Jefferson Steelflex?
Drake: [laughs] Yeah, made it up.
Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... [reads the names on the IDs again] Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori?
Drake: Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure...
Josh: It's illegal to use fake IDs!
Drake: Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!
Josh: Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!
Blaze: What's this?
Josh: That's a grapefruit.
Blaze: [eats the grapefruit] It's a little sour. Good thing I always carry around a little sugar with me. [puts sugar on the grapefruit]
[after Blaze has gone]
Josh: Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs?
Drake: Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home.
Josh: Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back.
Drake: Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Josh: Okay.
Drake: Uh...
Josh: Uh, alright. [pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police] Alright, work together. Teamwork.
Drake: Okay.
Josh: Teamwork.
Drake: Alright.
Josh: To the left.
Drake: Ow!
Josh: To the--
Drake: Grab it.
Josh: Alright. [the phone slides away from him and Drake] Teamworking.
Drake: Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man.
Josh: Oh, this isn't gonna work.
Drake: Alright. Fine, fine, here. [puts it behind him] I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose.
Josh: I'm not sticking my nose down there.
Drake: Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal?
Josh: I think so.
Drake: Oh, just dial the number.
Josh: Alright. [presses the 9 button with his nose] 9. [then the 1 button] 1.
[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]
Drake: Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm.
Josh: It is allergy season.
Blaze: What was that?
Criminal #1: It sounded like a car door.
Criminal #2: It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt.
Drake and Josh: Dad.

Megan's First Kiss

[edit]

(After he taps a jar of pickles with a knife and glass goes everywhere)

Josh: Thanks for the tip, dad!
Megan: Um, what are you doing this Saturday night?
Drake: Going to a concert at the Mega Dome.
Josh: Why?
Drake: 'Cause we bought tickets.
Josh: [to Drake] Not you! [to Megan] Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night?
Megan: I don't care what you're doing.
Drake: But you just asked us.
Megan: Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... [Megan leaves the room smiling]
Drake: Okay I wanna know what her deal is!
Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something!
Drake: Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody.
Josh: Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans.
Drake: Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that.
Josh: Really, you're not a smart boy.
[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]
Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!
Josh: I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.
Drake: I don't even know what accent to talk with.
Josh: Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.
Helen: Can I help you gentlemen find something?
Josh: [Irish accent] Top of the mornin to ya, how are ya? Potata!
Helen: Potato?
Drake: [Irish accent] Come along, Pontiac.
Josh: Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!
Drake: Pip pip da doodly-doo!
Helen: Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin that.
Lady: That's them, those 2 men from Ireland!
Helen: Stop the film!
Crazy Steve: WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?!
Corey: These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend!
Megan: [happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks] I love you guys.
Drake: [injured] Dude, you're crying.
Josh: [injured] He kicked me in the throat.

The Battle of Panthatar

[edit]
[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask the viewers random questions]
Drake: (happily) Hello, what's your name?
Josh: (happily) Hi! Who are you?
Drake: What is your favorite thing to eat?
Josh: What games do you like to play?
Drake and Josh: (happily) Me, too!
Drake: Hey, do you like me?
Josh: Do you wanna be my friend? (Smiles creepily)
Drake: Aw, thank you!
Josh: (offended) What is that supposed to mean?
Drake: You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!
Josh: (outraged) What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go get your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!
Drake: A present? For me?
Josh: Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!
Drake: [holding a handed plate of cookies] A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!
Josh: I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --[offscreen boy spits in his eye]... did you just... you spit in my eye!
Drake: Mmm... these are my favorite!
Josh: Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!
Drake: I'm so mad!
Josh: Yes, I can tell by your violent banana-chewing.
Thornton: What's up, Nicholas?
Thronton: [finds Maria and Drake kissing each other; enraged] MARIA!!!
Maria: Thronton!
Josh: Free popcorn???
Thronton: What are you doing, Parker!?
Drake: Kissin' a girl, what are you doin'?
Thronton: You were kissing my girlfriend!
Drake: Oh, ya know, that reminds me of a funny story-
Thronton: What's the matter with you!?
Maria: I'm sorry! He's just an awesome kisser.
Josh: Ah, no, he's not, no, he's not! Thronton, you're way better! Kiss 'em, kiss 'em right now!
Thronton: Not a chance! We are over!
Drake: Aw, c'mon, Thronton!
Thronton: And you, you are uninvited to my birthday party!
Drake: Wha- Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I didn't know she was your girlfriend!
Josh: Yeah, he didn't know she was your girlfriend!
Thronton: You, too! Uninvited!
Josh: [sobs]
Crazy Steve: Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area.
Lady: [taps Steve's shoulder] Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom?
Crazy Steve: I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!!!
Thornton: UNINVITED!!!! [storms away]
[Drake enters his and Josh's room]
Drake: Hey.
Josh: Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?
Drake: Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.
Josh: Well, perfect, and?
Drake: He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.
Josh: [groans] I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?
Drake: Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.
Josh: I don't wanna get even. [whining] I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!
Drake: Bro, Thornton hates us.
Josh: Well, let's make him love us again.
Drake: I tried.
Josh: Well, maybe we can... [notices Drake's autographed Beatles Abbey Road album] Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?
Drake: Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. [hides it in his arms] Don't even think about it.
Josh: I'm telling you, if we give him that album--
Drake: Absolutely not.
Josh: I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.
Drake: Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.
Josh: Dude.
Drake: Okay, but I love this album a lot.
Thornton: Hey, what are they doing here? They're not invited.
Guard: Yes, sir. I was just telling them that.
Thornton: Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here!
Drake: (angrily) No! (Grabs a lightsaber prop) Not until I get my Beatles album back!
[after giving Drake's Beatles album as a birthday present to Thornton, but being denied entry to his party, Drake glares at Josh]
Josh: Will you quit looking at me like that?!
Drake: No! I'm gonna continue looking at you like this for several more minutes. [Drake angrily widens his eyes and glares at Josh harder]

Really Big Shrimp

[edit]

Note: This episode was an hour long.

[Drake and Josh reintroduce themselves from the pilot episode]
Drake: My name's Drake Parker.
Josh: I'm Josh Nichols.
Drake: I should probably be doing my homework.
Josh: I'm just doing a little homework here.
Drake: You know there's an old song by the stones it you can't always get what you want.
Josh: Drake always get what he wants.
Drake: But I usually what I want.
Josh: I guess Drake's one of those guys who has a lucky star.
Drake: Josh may think I'm a lucky one but I bet you things start going his way. The one thing that I can always count on.
Josh: But one thing I know for sure.
Drake: Whenever I hang out with Josh.
Josh: Whenever I get mixed up with Drake.
Drake and Josh: Things always turn out.
Drake: Unusual.
Josh: Okay.
Crazy Steve: [looks at his watch] It's time! [he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh] You ate my enchilada!
Josh: There was no note!
Crazy Steve: You ate my enchilada!
Josh: There was no note!
Crazy Steve: You ate my enchilada!
Josh: I thought we settled this!
Audrey: [hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, she's here.
Walter: Ooh. [walks before the front door]
Drake: Who's here?
Audrey: Helen, with her grandmother.
[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]
Walter: Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]
Lula: Where's the bathroom?!
Audrey: Did you just break our door in?!
Lula: I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what I supposed to do?
Josh: Maybe ring the bell again.
Lula: [to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]
Megan: What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?
Helen: Lula That's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...[forgets who Walter is]
Walter: Walter!
Audrey: And uh, what do we call you?
Lula: Lula where's the bathroom?!
Audrey: Right there through that door.
Lula: Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]
Audrey: Is she always so--?
Helen: Buh-bye! [goes away]
Megan: I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.
Walter: She's not, she's staying in your room.
Megan: What?!
Audrey: You're gonna stay in the boys' room.
Drake, Josh and Megan: What?!
Josh: This is an outrage!
Drake: Where are we gonna stay?
Walter: [to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.
Megan: Aw, this is horrible.
Walter: It's not that bad.
[Alan Kirm plays his auto-tuned made version of Drake's song after tricking Josh into signing away creative rights, the boys are displeased]
Alan: What d'you think?
Josh: Uh, well....
Drake: I hate it!
Alan: [stops the songs playing] You hate it?
Drake: Yeah, that's not even my song. What'd you do to it?
Alan: Uh, we just had our best mixers and producers work on it 6 days straight. It's great.
Josh: But it's not the song you said you like.
Alan: Yeah, it is. It's just been improved.
Drake: No, it's been ruined!
Josh: Drake...
Drake: Look, don't "Drake" me! They can't do that to my song!
Alan: Sure, we can. We have a signed contract that gives us complete creative control.
Drake: Look, no, you don't! I didn't sign any contract.
Alan: Your manager did.
Drake: [turns to Josh, who realizes his mistake] You signed a contract?
Josh: [meekly, feeling bad and nervous] Uh...
Alan: We'll let you guys discuss this privately.
[Alan and the others leave the room, while an enraged Drake gives a nervous Josh a bitter look]
[The boys sleep on the mattress; Drake wakes up to find himself hugging Josh's foot against his face. He yells, and Josh wakes up in alarm]
Josh: Why are you screaming?
Drake: 'Cause there was a big, hairy foot in my face!
Megan: Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute.
Megan's Friends: Eww!
[Josh walks out of the room]
Molly: Call me!!
Megan's Friends: Eww!
[Josh peeks his head back through the door]
Josh: Stupid big shrimp. This is all your fault! [take 1 shrimp in his mouth, and spits it out] Tell your friends!
[Drake arrives home]
Audrey: Super Bowl's on.
Drake: I don't care.
Josh: Come on, the commercial's up in about 2 minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.
Drake: It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.
Josh: Why?
Drake: Because you're not there. [walks away]
Josh: Drake! [runs after to Drake]
Josh: Like you said, bro. Sometimes, when people play dirty, you gotta play dirty back!
Mindy: [yells; panicked after crazy Steve goes insane] Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk!
Josh & Helen: Crazy Steve!?
Mindy: WHO ELSE!?
Josh: But it's Monday, you can't schedule crazy Steve to work on a Monday!
Helen: Monday's his bad day!
Mindy: Well, no-one TOLD me that!
Crazy Steve: COCK-CA-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!!
[after Josh successfully calms crazy Steve down]
Mindy: You handled that really well, better than I did.
Nick Mateo: Drake Parker, I think you're about to have yourself a #1 hit.
Alan: Okay, wait a second. These guys just totally scammed us, and you're gonna reward them for it?
Nick: They had to scam us, 'cause you tried to ruined a very good song. Which is why you're fired!
Alan: What!? [Drake and Josh smile] You can't fire me! Our wives play golf together.
Nick: Your wife cheats. Now, get out! [Alan storms away]
Crazy Steve: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...
Lula: [annoyed] I know how to breathe!
Crazy Steve: [screaming] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Lula: [scared] Okay.
Eric: What did you do!?
Craig: I just plugged in the 5-K!
Helen: I'll PLUG IN YOUR 5-K!!! [grabs Craig's head]
Craig: [screams] She's got my head! She's got my head! She's got my head! [others takes Helen off of him]
Drake: Alright, this song is for Helen and Buzz, and my manager, Josh Nichols.
[ending from The Amanda Show]
Drake: I want the shrimp.
Josh: I want it.
Drake: [snatches the shrimp] I want it!

Helicopter

[edit]
Drake: Uh, who is this guy?
Dave: Who?
Josh: You!
Dave: I'm Dave.
Vince: That's S.P.L.A.T..
Drake: That's spelled splat.
Vince: Oh, man.
[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince after he was knocked unconscious by a fire extinguisher]
Josh: Hey, hey. He's awake.
Drake: You're awake!
Vince: [wakes up] Oh, what happened? How long I been out?
Drake: About 10 minutes.
Vince: Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. [holds his head] Oh, what'd I hit my head on?
Josh: This fire extinguisher.
Vince: Oh.
Josh: See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- [accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher; Vince screams outside]
Drake: [angrily] Do you know what you just did?!
Josh: [worried] I extinguished our pilot?
Drake: [angrily] No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us!
Josh: I'll call Mom and Dad.
Drake: No!
Josh: Why not?
Drake: Well, because if they know I'm up in this helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded.
Josh: Okay, if we don't get help, we are gonna become PART OF THE GROUND!
Drake: Well, can't you call the fire department?
Josh: Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking they don't have a 7,000-foot LADDER!
Drake: It's the fuel gauge! We're on E.
Josh: Well, maybe E means extra fuel! TELL ME E MEANS EXTRA FUEL!
Drake: E means empty, dude; we're out of fuel!
Josh: AUUGGGHHH! [gets in praying position] Dear Savior, I am sorry about the time I was 5 years old and stole that piece of bubblegum. I am sorry about the time I watched that pretty lady's laundry spin in the dryer at the laundromat. I'm sorry--
Drake: Will you stop that? We're gonna get out of this!
Josh: HEY NOW, HEY NOW. DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER!
Drake: Would you stop it?
Josh: What are you looking for?
Drake: Uh! Hey! Parachute!
Josh: Oh, a parachute. But, there's only one.
Drake: Okay. I'll take it and bring back help.
Josh: What? What kind of help are you gonna bring back, a dive team to locate my corpse? Okay, we'll jump together.
Drake: What?
Josh: [putting the parachute on] Yeah, okay? I'll put this on, you hold onto me, and we jump, alright?
Drake: Uh... [looks down 7,000 feet to the ocean]
Josh: Drake, you ready?
Drake: Uh, no, no. I'm not jumping with you, Josh.
Josh: Yeah, you are.
Drake: No, I'm not.
Josh: Why not?
Drake: Look, just jump, okay? Go.
Josh: What's wrong with you?
Drake: I'm-- I'm afraid, alright?
Josh: You were just about to jump out by yourself.
Drake: I know, but then I looked down, saw how high we are, peed a little bit, and I ain't jumping, Josh!
Josh: You're going, alright?
Drake: No, I'm not. Look, look, we're on E, okay? Just jump out!
Josh: Oh, I'm going, and you're coming with me! [hooks the parachute to one of Drake's straps, they scream and jump out of the helicopter all the way down the ocean as Josh pulls the cord of the parachute and it opens up] It opened! Ha-ha!
Drake: You're touching my butt.
Josh: Oh, sorry.
Megan: [while playing with dominos at home] Great present, Walter. [Drake and Josh come home and confront her] What?
Josh: You hung up on us.
Drake: When we were in a helicopter alone, running out of fuel.
Megan: What's your point?
Josh: We had to jump back.
Drake: With one parachute.
Josh: We barely made it.
Drake: We had to swim 2 miles,
Josh: We were rescued by a tuna boat.
Megan: Did you bring me some tuna?
Josh: Come over here! [Megan screams as Audrey and Walter come home] Come here!
Megan: Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice.
Audrey: Hi, baby.
Walter: Hey, Megan. So how was the water park?
Drake: Oh, you know, fun, wet.
Josh: I had a churro.
[Vince doorbells and angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house]
Drake: I'll get it!
Josh: I call knob!
[Drake and Josh are shocked that Vince stopped by the house, much to their horror]
Vince: You blasted me out of my own helicopter.
Drake & Josh: Wha-- Shh!
Drake: Not in front of our parents.
Audrey: Who is it?
Drake & Josh: Uh--
Drake: Some, crazy, guy.
[Josh whistles]
Walter: [to Audrey] I'll handle this. [he walks over to Vince] How can I help you?
Vince: Are you their father?
Walter: Yes. [Vince angrily gives him a bill] What's this?
Vince: [angrily] A BILL. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter.
Walter: What? [looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter] $400,000?!
[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]
Drake: [as Walter] Boys, you're both grounded.
Josh: But Dad--
Drake: [as Walter] Grounded, 2 weeks.
Josh: But it wasn't our fault!
Drake: [as Walter] Upstairs.
Josh: [defeated] Yes, sir.
Drake: Night.
Josh: Night.
[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for 2 weeks as the episode ends]

Dance Contest

[edit]
Eric: So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party.
Drake: Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us.
Drake: Mom, you're alive!
Stage director: STOP IT! [multiple times] Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out!
Drake and Josh: [last lines, shocked] Who is she?
[edit]
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