Two and a Half Men (season 11)
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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.
- [As a girl walks up the stairs, Jenny Harper, Charlie's long-lost daughter, stops Walden in his tracks]
- Jenny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
- Walden: Up to show her.
- Jenny: Oh, you thought...? Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. Next time, I'll get two.
- [Jenny walks upstairs]
- Walden: What just happened?
- Evelyn: Charlie's back.
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball [11.02]
- Walden: Hey, you're welcome to crash here anytime you need a break from Evelyn and 91-and-a-half shades of grey.
- Jenny: Seriously?
- Walden: Yeah. You know, I was thinking about putting in a home gym, but big deal. I'd rather have a Jenny than a gym.
- Jenny: You and me both.
- Alyssa: [to Jenny] Mackenzie, you lying bitch!
- Jenny: [running away] Uh-oh.
- Alyssa: Congo, my ass! Don't run! You don't want to run!
- [Jenny leaps over the railing, and Alyssa follows her]
- Berta: Yeah, it feels like home again!
This Unblessed Biscuit [11.03]
- Walden: Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?
- Alan: Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges to make the tree look bigger? Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.
- Walden: Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, that's not gonna be good for any of us.
- Alan: Neither is a drawer full of pot.
- Walden: That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank [11.04]
- Jenny: Don’t worry, nothing could have happened, I’m gay.
- Walden: [relieved] Ah, that's right. You're gay. Wait, how gay? Like, 1 being "Yay, it’s college!" Or 10 being "I’m going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie."
- Jenny: I'm closer to a nine. I mean, I make my own soap, but I don’t sell it at the Lilith Fair.
- Jenny: I have a motto for situations like this. What happens in Jenny, stays in Jenny.
- Berta: Are we gonna talk about the orgy we had last night?
- Walden: What...?
- Jenny: You were there?
- Berta: Hell yeah. I banged James Franco.
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 [11.05]
- Walden: Where do you see yourself in five years?
- Jenny: A little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
- Walden: Kate Upton’s straight.
- Jenny: Give me two weeks.
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants [11.06]
- Jenny: Well I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.
- Robin: Well aren't you sweet? He's single, you know.
- Jenny: I know, are you? [Walden hastily gets his mother out of the house and turns to Jenny]
- Walden: Really?!
- Jenny: Hey, just 'cause you came out of it, doesn't mean I don't want to get into it!
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie [11.07]
- Jenny: It's not that complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse, you pretty much know.
- Alan and Walden: Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room [11.08]
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer [11.09]
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! [11.10]
- Walden: 'Twas the night before Christmas when all down the beach
- Not a creature was stirring, not even a leech.
- Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed
- While visions of lesbians danced in his head.
- Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap
- Surrounded by bottles with nary a cap.
- Jenny was nervous and frightened, but took a big chance.
- She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants.
- While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie
- Had just baked our brains out with a big Christmas fatty.
- We started to doze, we hadn't a care.
- Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.
Tazed in the Lady Nuts [11.11]
- Barry: I've got great news. Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven. They'll be ready at 5.
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. [11.12]
Bite Me, Supreme Court [11.13]
Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe [11.14]
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin [11.15]
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper [11.16]
- Walden: Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.
- Nicole: Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
Welcome Home, Jake [11.17]
West Side Story [11.18]
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang [11.19]
- Walden: [to the urn holding Charlie's ashes] Hey, Charlie. It's me, Walden. We...never met, but I'm the guy who took your place. Thanks for giving up your house. I guess you didn't really give it up, you died. You'd have to be on crack to give up all this.
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia [11.20]
Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT [11.21]
Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead [11.22]
- Walden: Can you believe it? We're still together, three years later.
- Alan: I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.
- Walden: Thank God I showed up.