Two and a Half Men (season 9)
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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01]
- Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.
- Lydia: He also loved being spanked.
- Michelle: …while wearing my panties.
- Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea.
- Alan: [looking at the ashes on the floor] That's my dead brother.
- Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.
- Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.
- Walden: You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.
- (Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
- Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you?
- Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.
- Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
- Walden: Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?
- Alan: No.
- Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
- Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
- Walden: You bought a Zune?
- Alan: I had a coupon.
People Who Love Peepholes [9.02]
- Walden: I love peepholes.
- Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."
Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03]
- Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?
- Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid.
- Walden: Herpes Junior?
Nine Magic Fingers [9.04]
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro [9.05]
The Squat and the Hover [9.06]
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07]
- (Walden and Evelyn just had sex)
- Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan?
- Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody.
Thank You For The Intercourse [9.08]
Frodo's Headshots [9.09]
- Alan: Have you told your mother about this?
- Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her.
- Alan: Why would I tell her?
- Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.
- Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?
- Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic.
- Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes [9.10]
What a Lovely Landing Strip [9.11]
One False Move, Zimbabwe! [9.12]
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion [9.13]
A Possum on Chemo [9.14]
- [Jake and Eldridge are high]
- Eldridge: It seems overly complicated.
- Jake: What is?
- Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?
- Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea.
- Eldridge: What is?
- Jake: Pre-dipped chips.
- Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea.
- Jake: What's a million dollar idea?
- Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars.
- Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those.
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack [9.15]
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy [9.16]
Not in My Mouth! [9.17]
The War Against Gingivitis [9.18]
Palmdale, Ech [9.19]
Grandma's Pie [9.20]
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' [9.21]
Why We Gave Up Women [9.22]
The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23]
- Alan: …and what pray tell is that?
- Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
- Alan: Nice! No movies?
- Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.
- Alan: Or you could add it.
- Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.
- Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.
- Walden: No problem.
- Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
- Walden: Right.
- Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"
- Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
- Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
- Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24]
- Alan: Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.