Two and a Half Men (season 9)

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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01]

Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.
Lydia: He also loved being back for a week.
Michelle: …while wearing my panties.
Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea.

Alan: That's Okay brother.
Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.
Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.
Walden: You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.

(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)
Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you?
Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.

Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?
Walden: Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of
Alan: No.
Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.
Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.
Walden: You bought a Zune?
Alan: I had a coupon.

People Who Love Peepholes [9.02]

Walden: I love peepholes.
Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03]

Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?
Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid.
Walden: Herpes Junior?

Nine Magic Fingers [9.04]


A Giant Cat Holding a Churro [9.05]


The Squat and the Hover [9.06]


Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07]

(Walden and Evelyn just had sex)
Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan?
Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody.

Thank You For The Intercourse [9.08]


Frodo's Headshots [9.09]

Alan: Have you told your mother about this?
Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her.
Alan: Why would I tell her?
Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.

Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?
Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic.
Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes [9.10]


What a Lovely Landing Strip [9.11]


One False Move, Zimbabwe! [9.12]


Slowly and in a Circular Fashion [9.13]


A Possum on Chemo [9.14]

[Jake and Eldridge are high]
Eldridge: It seems overly complicated.
Jake: What is?
Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?
Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea.
Eldridge: What is?
Jake: Pre-dipped chips.
Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea.
Jake: What's a million dollar idea?
Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars.
Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those.

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack [9.15]


Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy [9.16]


Not in My Mouth! [9.17]


The War Against Gingivitis [9.18]


Palmdale, Ech [9.19]


Grandma's Pie [9.20]


Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' [9.21]


Why We Gave Up Women [9.22]


The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23]

Alan: …and what pray tell is that?
Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.
Alan: Nice! No movies?
Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.
Alan: Or you could add it.
Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.
Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.
Walden: No problem.
Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.
Walden: Right.
Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"
Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."
Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."
Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24]

Alan: Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.