Two and a Half Men (season 9)

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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt [9.01]

Alan: I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.

Lydia: He also loved being back for a week.

Michelle: …while wearing my panties.

Miss Pasternak: He used my panties to make tea.

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Alan: That's Okay brother.

Walden: Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.

Alan: That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.

Walden: You know what, I'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone.

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(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)

Walden: Why did she (Judith) leave you?

Alan: Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.

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Alan: So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?

Walden: Well, it's pretty simple, really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?

Alan: No.

Walden: You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.

Alan: Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.

Walden: You bought a Zune?

Alan: I had a coupon.

People Who Love Peepholes [9.02]

Walden: I love peepholes.

Alan: You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

Big Girls Don't Throw Food [9.03]

Walden: Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?

Berta: Herpes (Alan) has a kid.

Walden: Herpes Junior?

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets [9.07]

(Walden and Evelyn just had sex)

Walden: Promise you won't tell Alan?

Evelyn: I gonna tell everybody.

Frodo's Headshots [9.09]

Alan: Have you told your mother about this?

Jake: No, I was hoping you'd tell her.

Alan: Why would I tell her?

Jake: Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.

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Alan: How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?

Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic.

Alan: EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So, I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

A Possum on Chemo [9.14]

[Jake and Eldridge are high]

Eldridge: It seems overly complicated.

Jake: What is?

Eldridge: Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?

Jake: Dude, that's a million dollar idea.

Eldridge: What is?

Jake: Pre-dipped chips.

Eldridge: Hey, that's a million dollar idea.

Jake: What's a million dollar idea?

Eldridge: It's an idea worth a million dollars.

Jake: Boy, I wish I had one of those.

The Straw In My Donut Hole [9.23]

Alan: …and what pray tell is that?

Walden: That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.

Alan: Nice! No movies?

Walden: No, we could switch it to a movie package.

Alan: Or you could add it.

Walden: Oh, okay, we'll add it.

Alan: And don't forget the adult channels.

Walden: No problem.

Alan: You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.

Walden: Right.

[...]

Lyndsey: "You got any porn on this thing?"

Alan: "Uh, gee, I, I don't know."

Lyndsey: "Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."

Alan: "Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! [9.24]

Alan: Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.