Two and a Half Men (season 8)
Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud [8.01]
- Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.
- Alan: What?
- Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six. sin pena elo
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer [8.02]
- Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.
- (Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")
- Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
- (Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)
- Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!
A Pudding-Filled Cactus [8.03]
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers [8.04]
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel [8.05]
Twanging Your Magic Clanger [8.06]
The Crazy Bitch Gazette [8.07]
Springtime on a Stick [8.08]
"We're not dating. We have an arrangement. Arrangement? I let him climb on top of me a couple of times a month, and he pays my rent." "...when he touches me, I want to vomit."
A Good Time in Central Africa [8.09]
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop [8.10]
- Courtney: Hi, stranger.
- Charlie: Courtney? I thought you were in prison.
- Courtney: I was, but I'm out. Wanna go to Vegas?
- Charlie: You crazy? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.
- Courtney: I haven't had sex in three years.
- Charlie: Goodbye, everybody.
Dead from the Waist Down [8.11]
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead [8.12]
- Harper: For every gorgeous woman out there, there's a guy who's tired of banging her.
Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup [8.13]
- Mackelroy: Before we go any further, I'd like to take something off the table.
- Harper: What?
- Mackelroy: My ass.
Looking For Japanese Subs [8.14]
- [Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]
- Alan: What are you doing?
- Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
- Alan: Really?
- Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
- Alan: You mean "peckish".
- Eldridge: Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]
- [Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]
- Alan: Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!
- Jake: You've heard of Jackass?
- Alan: Yeah.
- Eldridge: We are Dumbass.
- Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
- Eldridge: Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?
- Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.
- Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
- Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
- Jake: Think so?
- Alan: Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!
- [After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]
- Alan: Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
- Jake: There were precautions.
- Alan: You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
- Eldridge: We were trying to land in the ocean.
- Alan: You missed it by a hundred yards!