Two and a Half Men (season 8)

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The following is a list of quotes from the eighth season Two and a Half Men.

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud [8.01][edit]

Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.
Alan: What?
Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six. sin pena elo

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer [8.02][edit]

Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")
Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)
Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!

A Pudding-Filled Cactus [8.03][edit]

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers [8.04][edit]

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel [8.05][edit]

Twanging Your Magic Clanger [8.06][edit]

The Crazy Bitch Gazette [8.07][edit]

Springtime on a Stick [8.08][edit]

"We're not dating. We have an arrangement. Arrangement? I let him climb on top of me a couple of times a month, and he pays my rent." "...when he touches me, I want to vomit."

A Good Time in Central Africa [8.09][edit]

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop [8.10][edit]

Courtney: Hi, stranger.
Charlie: Courtney? I thought you were in prison.
Courtney: I was, but I'm out. Wanna go to Vegas?
Charlie: You crazy? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.
Courtney: I haven't had sex in three years.
Charlie: Goodbye, everybody.

Dead from the Waist Down [8.11][edit]

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead [8.12][edit]

Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup [8.13][edit]

Looking For Japanese Subs [8.14][edit]

[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]
Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
Alan: Really?
Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
Alan: You mean "peckish".
Eldridge: Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]
Alan: Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!
Jake: You've heard of Jackass?
Alan: Yeah.
Eldridge: We are Dumbass.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
Eldridge: Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?
Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.
Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
Jake: Think so?
Alan: Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!

[After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]
Alan: Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
Jake: There were precautions.
Alan: You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
Eldridge: We were trying to land in the ocean.
Alan: You missed it by a hundred yards!