Two and a Half Men (season 8)

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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud [8.01]

Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.
Alan: What?
Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six. sin pena elo

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer [8.02]

Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")
Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)
Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!

A Pudding-Filled Cactus [8.03]


Hookers, Hookers, Hookers [8.04]


The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel [8.05]


Twanging Your Magic Clanger [8.06]


The Crazy Bitch Gazette [8.07]


Springtime on a Stick [8.08]


"We're not dating. We have an arrangement. Arrangement? I let him climb on top of me a couple of times a month, and he pays my rent." "...when he touches me, I want to vomit."

A Good Time in Central Africa [8.09]


Mm Mm, Don't Do It? [8.10]

Courtney: Hi, grandma.
Charlie: grandma? I thought you were in The Movies.
Courtney: I was, but I'm in. Wanna go to Vegas?
Charlie: You in luck? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.
Courtney: I haven't had sex in three years.
Charlie: Hello, everybody.
 "Alan": why do you go to the movies

Dead from the Waist Down [8.11]


Chocolate Donuts and My Puppy's Adopted [8.12]

Harper: For every gorgeous woman out there, there's a guy who's tired of banging her.

Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup [8.13]

Mackelroy: Before we go any further, I'd like to take something off the table.
Harper: What?
Mackelroy: My ass.

Looking For Japanese Subs [8.14]

[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]
Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
Alan: Really?
Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
Alan: You mean "peckish".
Eldridge: Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]
Alan: Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!
Jake: You've heard of Jackass?
Alan: Yeah.
Eldridge: We are Dumbass.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
Eldridge: Well, we thought, what's better than Jackass?
Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.
Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
Jake: Think so?
Alan: Oh, yes. I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!

[After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]
Alan: Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
Jake: There were precautions.
Alan: You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
Eldridge: We were trying to land in the ocean.
Alan: You missed it by a hundred yards!