Two and a Half Men (season 7)
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Two and a Half Men (2003–2015) is a TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.
- [While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
- Charlie: I know, it's hard to believe I'm not banging her.
- Operator: Then why are we here?
- Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
- Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.
Whipped Unto the Third Generation [7.2]
Mmm, Fish. Yum. [7.3]
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator [7.4]
For the Sake of the Child [7.5]
- Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
- Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
- Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
- Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.
- Charlie: Judges?
- Berta: Still funny.
- [Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]
- Alan: You are a lush!
- Charlie: You are a leech!
- Alan: You are a misogynist!
- Charlie: You are a mistake!
- Alan: You are a...What are we up to?
- Charlie: N.
- Alan: Thank you. You are a...Necrophiliac!
- Charlie: She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!
- Alan: Fine. You are a narcissist.
- Charlie: Better. You are a nancy-boy.
- Alan: You are old!
- Charlie: You are odd...ly shaped.
- Alan: [Phone rings] Hang on.
- Charlie: You are a parasite.
- Alan: Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Hey Judith what's up?...What do you mean what happened with Jake, we had a nice weekend. Well we went driving, to the movies, uh ice cream.
- Charlie: Quack, rectal, suckwad!
- Alan: [To Charlie] I never got my P.
- Charlie: All you do is pee.
- Alan: [To Judith] Nothing, just a little word game, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!
- Charlie: Turd burglar!
- Alan: [To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend...Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.
- Charlie: Really why?
- Alan: I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple...of guys. [To Charlie] Right?
- Charlie: Right. Ooh, ooh, ooh, you are a eunuch.
- Alan: That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager, he'll get over it...Okay, okay, buh-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.
- Charlie: I haven't been happy in seven years.
- Alan: For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.
- Charlie: Oh, good, circle the date on the calender so I'll know when to hang myself.
- Alan: Ha ha, very funny. Because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.
- Charlie: Great, let me know what I did so I can do it to you!
- Alan: You are such a...What are we up to?
- Charlie: V.
- Alan: Varmint! You are a varmint.
- Charlie: Yeah, well...you are a vagina!
- Alan: You're calling me a vagina?
- Charlie: No, no, that's too good for you. What you are is...vagina adjacent.
Give Me Your Thumb [7.6]
Untainted by Filth [7.7]
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. [7.8]
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair [7.9]
That's Why They Call It Ball Room [7.10]
Warning, It's Dirty [7.11]
Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste [7.12]
- Charlie: So what's the plan?
- Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
- Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
- Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
- Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.
- Alan: You can't do this, Judith, you cannot keep us apart. Herb and I will find a way to be together.
- Mailman: Hi.
- Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
- Mailman: Not at all. Herb is a very handsome man.
- Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
- Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.
- Jake: I miss Celeste.
- Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
- Alan: I miss Herb... I mean, Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
- Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.
Yay, No Polyps [7.13]
- Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
- Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.