Two and a Half Men (season 7)

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The following is a list of quotes from the seventh season Two and a Half Men.

818-jklpuzo [7.1][edit]

[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]
Charlie: I know, it's hard to believe I'm not banging her.
Operator: Then why are we here?
Charlie: She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.
Operator: You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

Whipped Unto the Third Generation [7.2][edit]

Mmm, Fish. Yum. [7.3][edit]

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator [7.4][edit]

For the Sake of the Child [7.5][edit]

Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.
Charlie: Judges?
Berta: Still funny.

[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]
Alan: You are a lush!
Charlie: You are a leech!
Alan: You are a misogynist!
Charlie: You are a mistake!
Alan: You are a...What are we up to?
Charlie: N.
Alan: Thank you. You are a...Necrophiliac!
Charlie: She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!
Alan: Fine. You are a narcissist.
Charlie: Better. You are a nancy-boy.
Alan: You are old!
Charlie: You are odd...ly shaped.
Alan: [Phone rings] Hang on.
Charlie: You are a parasite.
Alan: Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Hey Judith what's up?...What do you mean what happened with Jake, we had a nice weekend. Well we went driving, to the movies, uh ice cream.
Charlie: Quack, rectal, suckwad!
Alan: [To Charlie] I never got my P.
Charlie: All you do is pee.
Alan: [To Judith] Nothing, just a little word game, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!
Charlie: Turd burglar!
Alan: [To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend...Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.
Charlie: Really why?
Alan: I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple...of guys. [To Charlie] Right?
Charlie: Right. Ooh, ooh, ooh, you are a eunuch.
Alan: That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager, he'll get over it...Okay, okay, buh-bye. [hangs up] Well, I hope you're happy.
Charlie: I haven't been happy in seven years.
Alan: For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.
Charlie: Oh, good, circle the date on the calender so I'll know when to hang myself.
Alan: Ha ha, very funny. Because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.
Charlie: Great, let me know what I did so I can do it to you!
Alan: You are such a...What are we up to?
Charlie: V.
Alan: Varmint! You are a varmint.
Charlie: Yeah, well...you are a vagina!
Alan: You're calling me a vagina?
Charlie: No, no, that's too good for you. What you are is...vagina adjacent.

Give Me Your Thumb [7.6][edit]

Untainted by Filth [7.7][edit]

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. [7.8][edit]

Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair [7.9][edit]

That's Why They Call It Ball Room [7.10][edit]

Warning, It's Dirty [7.11][edit]

Fart Jokes, Pie, and Celeste [7.12][edit]

Charlie: So what's the plan?
Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.

Alan: You can't do this, Judith, you cannot keep us apart. Herb and I will find a way to be together.
Mailman: Hi.
Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
Mailman: Not at all. Herb is a very handsome man.

Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean, Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Yay, No Polyps [7.13][edit]

Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.