Will & Grace (season 4)

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Main

Will & Grace (1998-2006, 2017-) is a popular U.S. TV series. The main characters are: Will Truman, a gay attorney; his best friend, Grace Adler, a straight Jewish woman who runs her own interior design firm; Karen Walker, a very rich, alcoholic socialite; and Jack McFarland, an effeminate gay struggling actor. The show takes place in New York City.

The Third Wheel Gets the Grace [4.01][edit]

Karen: I've got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I haven't even opened yet!

Grace: You and I, we have to stay focused. You know how sharks are eating machines? We are shopping machines. That means all we do is shop and poop. Shop and poop. Got it? So, what are we going to do now?
Nathan: God, I hope it's shop.

Past and Presents [4.02][edit]

Grace: [Points at Karen's pin] I see they're finally giving out medals for evil.

Nathan: Ahh, there's nothing like hoppin' on your hog first thing in the morning and riding it 'til your butt gets tired.
Jack: You're preaching to the choir, okay?

Crouching Father, Hidden Husband [4.03][edit]

Will: Let me try to explain this in terms you'll understand. I'm tequila. [Will picks up small bottles on Karen's desk.]
Karen: Oh, I'm liking this story better already!
Will: These are my friends: gin, vodka, and scotch. [Scottish accent] Hello, Karen!
Karen: Hiya, kids.
Will: Now. You got an emergency. You want a Bloody Mary. You've poured yourself a thimble of tomato juice. Who you gonna call? Me? Tequila?
Karen: What is this crazy talk? I want my vodka!
Will: Exactly. So from now on, you only call tequila when you have a legal problem.
Karen: Okay, I get it now. You're comin' in loud and queer!

Nancy: So, your dad got up and danced in front of everyone in our grade.
Elliot: Yeah, thanks.
Nancy: Hey, at least he's good. How did he learn to do that?
Elliot: I dunno, maybe 'cause he's gay.
Nancy: One of my moms is gay!
Elliot: Really?
Nancy: Yeah, but she's not a good dancer. She built our house, though.

Prison Blues [4.04][edit]

Guard: Name, please?
Karen: Karen Walker. I'm Stanley Walker's wife.
Guard: Excuse me?
Karen: [shouts] I'm his bitch! Okay? Is that what you want to hear? I'm Stanley Walker's bitch! And I'm his one and only, just in case you pervs get any ideas during those lonely nights at lockdown—
Guard: Ma'am, I just couldn't hear what you said.
Karen: Oh, I'm Karen Walker. Oh my God, I have that same gun!

Jack: How sorry am I? "S" is for how very sad you make me feel. "O" is for, oh, how very bad you make me feel. "R" is for how wrong you make me feel.
Zandra: And the other "R" is for how rotten you are. Get off. Get off the stage! I don't want to even look at you any more.

Loose Lips Sink Relationships [4.05][edit]

Jack: Thrilled to be here. Love you. Love everything about you. Thinking about being you for Halloween.

Grace: Karen...I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.
Karen: Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad. Try me!
Grace: Okay. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?
Karen: No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!
Grace: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.
Karen: Oh, relax, honey. I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, okay?

Rules of Engagement [4.06][edit]

Karen: Listen, there is nothing wrong with listening to Nathan and Grace have sex. It's a victim-less crime. Like tax evasion or public indecency.
Jack: Yeah, or like when a bartender doesn't notice his tip, you can slide it in front of you and leave it as your own.
Karen: Oh great example honey! You are so quick! Like lightning.
Will: That's a terrible example.
Karen: Ohh, I think somebody's just mad because somebody didn't think of it first.

Karen: Oh, before I forget, I just wanted to give you a little extra sparkle. I had to Heimlich it out of Rosario's stomach right before I came over here.
Grace: Oh my God. I'm speechless. I don't know what to say, I'd say something if I weren't so speechless, but I'm speechless so I don't know what to say.
Karen: Oh zip it, it's a loan. Now listen to me. You got 250 on each ear, 500 G's on the wrist, and a cold 7 on the chest. It would take you, your mom and your grandma an entire lifetime of turning tricks at the plaza to get even halfway there. Lose even one and you're dead.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond [4.07][edit]

Will: Thank God she hasn't broken out the slides yet.
Jack: Ohh, thank God is right!
Will: You know about the slides?
Jack: No, I just assumed it had something to do with her womanity, so I thought we'd just skate right past it.
Will: No. Slides of Grace as a kid. Whenever she hits a real low point, she breaks out the slide projector and spends a few days trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
Jack: I'd say it was the day she became a gay man and fell in love with you.

Karen: Finally, you're here!
Rosario: You know, if you're gonna leave me in the limo for five hours, the least you could do is crack a window.
Karen: What, and let you start yapping out at all the other maids so that they can come over and jump on the car? I don't think so.
Rosario: You better watch it, lady, because the next time you take a bath it'll be rub-a-dub-dub, I drop the blender in the tub.

Star-Spangled Banter [4.08][edit]

Jack: I'm auditioning for "corpse on a slab"!
Will: I don't know what that means, but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response.

Grace: I'm sorry I said you weren't really gay. You are plenty gay. If you were any gayer, you'd be Elton John's fanny pack.
Will: Thanks. And, sweetie, if I implied that you are anything less than a big Jew, I'm really, really sorry.

Moveable Feast Pt. 1 [4.09][edit]

Karen: So, how'd you hurt your back? Running away from good taste?

Will: I'm hungry.
Grace: I'm thirsty.
Karen: I could hump a tree.

Moveable Feast Pt. 2 [4.10][edit]

[The gang is going to Will's parents house for Thanksgiving]
Will: Now, brace yourself for real dysfunction: WASP dysfunction. You can't see it, you can't talk about it, but you know it's there.
Grace: Like a fart in church. [Everyone stares at Grace] Just tell them about the code.
Will: Ah yes, the code. "Business trip" means my father going away for the weekend with his mistress, also known as "associate" or "client".
Grace: I learned that the hard way last year when I said I was taking on three clients at the same time.

Grace: Did you mean what you said? Are you thinking of having sex with someone else?
Karen: Stop fishing, you big lez! It's not going to be with you!
Grace: Aw shucks, and I made myself all purdy.

Stakin' Care of Business [4.11][edit]

Karen: Oh, honey. You have a dream. You know, I had a dream too. To be rich and beautiful and have a great body. Oh, look, my dream came true!

Jack: I couldn't help overhearing...because I was standing here listening.

Jingle Balls [4.12][edit]

Grace: So I repeated the joke. When you discovered "Hold me closer, Tony Danza," you rode that till the wheels fell off.

Dorleen: It's dark. It's glam. It's sad. It's Christmas.

Whoa, Nelly! [4.13][edit]

Will: Fixing up my dad's girlfriend? Nice. What's next, a cruise with the Korean woman my uncle fathered a child with during the war?

Jack: Lamar is...well, he's like me, Kare.
Karen: Not allowed to step within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?

Grace in the Hole [4.14][edit]

Will: Jack, this isn't like the pound, where you can take home the one that wags his tail at you...Or some gay bar where you can...take home the one that wags his tail at you.

Will: Oh, Grace. You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?
Grace: He's not a convict. He is just some guy who did some white-collar real-estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson.
Will: Oh. Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he?

Dyeing Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard [4.15][edit]

Karen: Knock-knock. Anybody homo?
Jack: I am, I am!

Jack: You're not a lesbian...say something lesbionic.
Bonnie: Home Depot.
Jack: k.d. lang, you are a lesbian!

A Chorus Lie [4.16][edit]

Jack: Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live..."Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Okay?"
Owen: Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."

[Jack is trying to find out whether his new singing partner, Owen, is really gay]
Jack: Why don't we start with some vocal exercises. What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs? And who have we slept with in common?
Owen: I work out at home. I'm allergic to smoke. And I'm in a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend.
Jack: Name?
Owen: Ben.
Jack: I know him.
Owen: No, you don't.
Jack: How do you know?
Owen: He told me you don't.

Someone Old, Someplace New [4.17][edit]

Jack: I met Karen's mother. She's not dead. She's a cocktail waitress. It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini, cute little pills. Ah-ha-ha. Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot until Lois met a man, a ne'er-do-well named Bernie. Or was it Todd? I don't know. I can't remember, 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar. Oh, his name was Todd. That's right. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Anyway, what did I do with his number? Actually, when Karen was 16, her and her mother had some big falling-out, and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was; but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts. All this is in my movie. I smell sequel.
[Will pushes Jack out the door.]
Grace: Wow. Karen has a mother?

Will: So, Karen, on this, the centennial of your birth, Jack wants me to wish you a happy birthday. I hope all your wishes come true. And when you do become Satan's mistress, don't you forget the little people.

Something Borrowed, Someone's Due [4.18][edit]

Grace: Bill just said 2002 was the last palindrome year of our lifetime, and I laughed, and he looked at me weird. A palindrome is some kind of elephant, right?

Karen: The last town we lived in, I fell in love with a boy. He had long blond hair, delicate features, soft skin...At least, I think it was a boy. Well, anyway, I was in love. And he or she loved me. Until my mom scammed her, too. Then he left me!

Cheatin' Trouble Blues [4.19][edit]

George: Oh, by the way, Will, that guy that just made partner at my firm — Brian. He's gay.
Will: Really? The Canadian guy?
George: Oh, jeez, that was it: Canadian. He's gonna call ya anyway.

Karen: I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly...The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and...Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out. [cries.]
Jack: Karen, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of Speed!
Karen: Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus? Wh— ?

Went to a Garden Potty [4.20][edit]

Jack: Oh, look! My ride's here, and it's a huff! I believe I'll leave in it!

Zandra: This better be good. You're taking time away from my slow, agonizing march toward death.

He Shoots, They Snore [4.21][edit]

Jack: Okay, here's the scoop, Jackson. Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend. All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen is making me do inventory. So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday. Please just say yes. I promise I won't ask for anything else again!
Will: Okay.
Jack: Damn you, Will! Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips!
Will: Hey, lord of the ring-dings, I said I'd do it.
Jack: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't listening.

Karen: Hi, what's going on? What's happening? What's the emergency?
Grace: I think I'm in trouble.
Karen: Well, you came to the right place. Here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna change your name, get you a new face and ship you out of the country. Here's your passport.
Grace: [reading passport] "Rosario Salazar." This is your maid's.
Karen: She don't need it. She ain't going anywhere.

Wedding Balls [4.22][edit]

[Karen is showing Jack a card trick.]
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up a card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: No.
Karen: Is this your card? [Holds up another card]
Jack: I can't remember.
Karen: [takes off the cover] Ta-Daa!!
Jack: That is so freaky, Karen. How did you do that?
Karen: Oh, sorry, honey. A magician, like a prostitute, never reveals her tricks.

Rita: Maybe you could be a little more specific in your analysis.
Jack: Oh, don't try to confuse us by speaking French.

Fagel Attraction [4.23][edit]

Gavin: You got a set of eyes like two inviting pools of chocolate pudding.

Will: Hey, that guy looks suspicious. He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony.

Hocus Focus [4.24][edit]

Karen: Honey, you say potato, I say vodka.

Jack: You don't get to have ideas. This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."
Karen: Oh! Old? Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago. Besides, I was just trying to help.
Jack: You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant...and let's not forget where that word comes from — Latin, meaning "ass of an ant." So keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it? [ leaves the room]
Karen: I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

A Buncha White Chicks Sittin' Around Talkin' [4.25][edit]

Grace: What's up with the wine?
Will: Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me. It's actually a wonderful story. She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion, but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion." [pause] I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.
Karen: You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.
Will: You know, we should do this. We should save that wine for a special occasion. You know, something where-- where the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of. You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to... Ah, screw it, open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.
Grace: One step ahead of you. I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.

Grace: I wanna travel the world. Anywhere. Everywhere. You know, as long as it's clean and they speak English and it's safe.
Will: You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver.

A.I.: Artificial Insemination Pt.1 [4.26][edit]

Karen: Wow. So you and Will are having a baby.
Grace: Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like, "he's gay," and, "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed", you should know that we are very serious about this.
Karen: Well, of course you are. [chuckling] "Breast feed." I'm funny.

Lionel: [offers his hand] Lionel Banks. Lionel like the train, Banks like money. And you are?
Karen: Anastasia Beaverhausen. Anastasia like Russian royalty, Beaverhausen like...where the beaver live.

A.I. Artificial Insemination Pt.2 [4.27][edit]

Lionel: Miss Beaverhausen, I came as soon as you called.
Karen: Well, that's really none of my business, but thank you for sharing.

Cher: You know, don't talk to me about rejection, okay? I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck.
Jack: But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!
Cher: And don't you forget it.