Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker

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Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker is a 2000 film, a spinoff of the animated series Batman Beyond.

Batman (Terry McGinnis)[edit]

  • (to the Jokerz) It's a school night, boys and girls. I'm gonna have to call your folks.
  • (after the Jokerz's vehicle crashes) That ain’t coming out of my allowance.
  • I hate to say it, but I think your little Robin's turned into a bitter old crow.
  • " (to Ace) Good Bat Dog

The Joker[edit]

  • Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it...
-Changed to "yutzes" in the edited cut
  • You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away. New Gotham, new rules... even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again!
  • Hello, Gotham. Joker's back in town! (Trademark laugh)
  • (meeting the new Batman) Ah, the new boy. The ears are too long, and I miss the cape, but it's not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
  • (to Bruce) Hello, Batman.
  • This is one of Uncle Sam's orbiting defense satellites. Hyperion-class, laser armed. Handy little gadget for shooting down unfriendly missiles, or giving somebody a world-class hotfoot! [simulation of the satellite firing down on Gotham] Think of it as urban tagging on a grand scale, reminding all and sundry that this is Joker territory!
  • (preparing to fire the satellite laser) So where should I make ground zero? Gotham General, where our hero's dear little Dana is recuperating? Or here, in the happy garden of Mrs. Mary McGinnis? I always think it adds a little resonance to a hero's mission to have some defining element of tragedy in his background, don't you?
  • [after shocking Ace] End of the line, Snoopy!
  • Adios, Brucie. I suppose I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts.

Timothy Drake[edit]

  • (working on a communications array, not looking up) You might as well show yourself. I heard you coming a mile away. [Batman decloaks] I'm no Boy Wonder anymore, but that old training never goes away, even at my age.
  • Me and the others gave everything, but it just wasn't enough for the old man. I used to think, if I went on long enough, someday he'd retire and I'd... ah, the heck with it. Capes, costumes, bad guys - it was kid's stuff! Bruce probably did me a favor. By the end, I was so sick of it I never wanted to see that stupid Robin suit again...! [turns around; Batman is gone] Some things never change.

Bruce Wayne[edit]

  • Terry. I've been thinking about something you once told me. And you were wrong. It's not Batman that makes you worthwhile; it's the other way around. Never tell yourself anything different.
  • (After hitting a target with a batarang) Still got it.

Dee-Dee Twins[edit]

  • (Each speaking one line at a time) Well if it isn't old mister Wayne. So debonair. So dapper. (one knees him) So decrepit.

Dialogue[edit]

Chucko: Batman showed up and we had to ditch, but we were able to save this: the console's memory board. [Chucko slides the board to Joker, who is sitting across the table. Joker catches it.] I know it's not much, but-
Joker: "It's not much"? It's nothing! [smashes the memory board] Losers, all of you. A disgrace to the name "Joker". Why, in my day--
Bonk: "In your day"?! Ever since you conned your way into this gang it's been "in your day" this, "in your day" that!
Chucko: [uneasily] Bonk...
Bonk: Your day is over, old man, even if you are who you say you are; and personally, I think you're a fake!
Joker: Ah, brave new world... that has such putzes in it.
Bonk: He's got us running around, ripping out a lot of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, even if he has one! I want out!
Joker: [Amused, the Joker pulls out a gun.] If you insist... [the other Jokerz gasp]
Bonk: [scared] Hey, man, take it easy! I-I was, I was just kidding!
[The Joker fires, but a flag with the word BANG! pops out of the end of the gun.]
Joker: So was I! [The Joker chuckles and waves the gun, then shoots the flag into Bonk's chest.] Oops! No I wasn't! That's also how we did it in my day. You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this town a wedgie again! I have to know you're with me. Will you say it for me one time?
Jokerz: [Terrified.] We're with you!
Joker: A little louder.
Jokerz: [Louder.] We're with you!
Joker: Dee-Dee?
The Dee-Dee Twins: We're with you!
Joker: Boys?
Chucko and Ghoul: We're with you!
Joker: Bonk? ... Oh, right. Dead. [pauses and grins brightly] Dee-Dee, be a lamb and sweep out the trash. There's a good girls! [Dee-Dee Twins manage to get Bonk off of the table] Your renewed faith puts a smile in my heart! Let's say we forget about tonight's mishap and start over?
Chucko: Great, Boss!
Joker: Ghoul, m'boy, we're gonna need a new systems scanner; who's got one that they'd be willing to donate?
Ghoul: Checking... What we're after is cutting edge. It's the only other place we can find one.
Joker: [Reading off a list.] Hmmm... Nope. Nuh-uh. Nope. [Finally finding a candidate.] Ah!
Ghoul: What? There? Security's gonna be tight.
Joker: Oh, yes! But think of the fun!

Terry: So... The Joker, huh? Must be spry for a guy who's like... mid-eighties? Any theories on that? Clone? Robot? Suspended animation after being frozen in a block of ice?
Bruce: Shut up and drive.
Terry: Yes, sir.

[Terry and Dana are dancing, while Terry is falling asleep, Dana tries to keep him awake by talking...it doesn't work, so...]
Dana: Terry, my head's on fire.
Terry: [takes the hand of another girl, his eyes are closed] You look good.
Dana: [angry] MCGINNIS!!
[Other girl giggles and walks away]
Terry: Sorry, babe. Guess the day was longer than I thought.

Terry McGinnis: It's funny. I know about all your other major enemies, but you never mention him. He was the biggest, wasn't he?
Bruce Wayne: It wasn't a popularity contest. He was a psychopath. A monster.
Terry McGinnis: So how is it possible he could still be around after all this time?
Bruce Wayne: It's not possible. He died years ago.
Terry McGinnis: You're sure?
Bruce: [shortly] I was there.
[Bruce gets up starts walking away. There's a beat of silence]
Terry [softy]: You killed him... didn't you? [Wayne stops and hangs his head, but still doesn't look at him] He was gonna do something so terrible that you had no other choice. That was it, wasn't it?

Terry McGinnis: Where's the Joker?
Timothy Drake: Joker?
Terry McGinnis: Drop the act. I know you are working for him.
Timothy Drake: No. Joker's gone. I don't know where he is. Really.
Bruce Wayne: The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.
Timothy Drake: I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kid's stuff. That's all it was.
Terry McGinnis: He may be telling the truth but he's still whack.
Timothy Drake: Fun and games. Boy wonder playing hero. Fighting off bad guys and no one ever gets... oh god. I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget. But I still hear the shot. Still see the dead smile. Every night the dreams get stronger... he's there when I sleep. Whispering! Laughing! Telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same! :[In the edited cut, "killed him" was replaced with "did it," "his scream" replaced "the shot," and "frozen" replaced "dead."]
Terry McGinnis: I'm calling an ambulance.
Timothy Drake: No. I'm all right. Forgive me, Terry, old nasty memories twist inside me like bad oysters. Nothing, really. I'm perfectly fine now.
Terry McGinnis: How do you know my name?
Timothy Drake: There's nothing about you I don't know, Batfake.
[Timothy throws the steel ball he's holding, which turns into an electric claw and grabs Terry by the arm, Terry collapses to the ground, immobilized.]
Bruce Wayne: Terry!
Timothy Drake: Have a time out, kid. Can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Bruce, I'm sure you have got your monkey boy wired somehow. That's just peachy. Because I want you to see every minute of this. It's a killer. :[line was "It's a doozy" in the edited cut]
[Laughs hysterically, holding his head, and after a while, becomes the Joker]
Bruce Wayne: My God!
Joker: [Takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath] Oh, I never get tired of that!
Terry McGinnis: Drake?! You're the Joker?!
Joker: That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a timeshare! Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment. Using cutting-edge genetics technology which I pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA in a microchip and set it in Bird-Boy's birdbrain. [points to a dot on the back of his neck] Here. Everything that was me has been sleepin' all comfy and cozy inside Tim Drake's subconscious. At first, I had to limit the time I spent in Drake's body. He's not aware of what I do... chalking up lingering memories to bad dreams. If his family misses him, I simply call wifey and tell her, [Imitating Drake's voice] "I'm working late, honey." [Goes back to his own voice] The changes come at will, now. And soon, I'll be strong enough to live in this body permanently. MR. J'S ON THE REBOUND, BABY! MY COMEBACK PARTY'S GONNA SET THE WHOLE TOWN ON FIRE!

Joker: [after targeting Wayne Manor] Adios, Brucie. I suppose I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts. [blows a raspberry at Bruce, then turns to Terry] How about you, kid? Any last words for the old Bat-fart? [referring to Bruce] ["Bat-fart" becomes "Bat-coot" in the edited version]
Batman: Yeah. Sic 'im!
[Ace arrives on cue and attacks the Joker]

Joker: [Notices the Satellite laser is heading for the abandoned candy factory] Oh, look, the beam's headed here now! Now I'm gonna have to start all over again. Thanks for wrecking everything kid. [Turns to leave] See ya round.
Batman: Hold it! [Grabs Joker's wrist]
Joker: Wise up, junior, GAME'S OVER!
Batman: I'm taking you in!
Joker: Oh, are you? [punches Batman several times and throws him onto table, which breaks under his weight] You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peak.
Batman: Maybe. But you don't know a thing about me.
Joker: YOU?! What's to know?! You're a punk! A rank amateur! A costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man. Still, if it's a whupping you're a-wantin'...
[He rolls up his sleeves, and Terry runs to the door]
Joker: That's right. Better run and save yourself... it's about your speed. [Terry closes the door, then breaks the switch to prevent escape]
Batman: Let's dance, bozo.
[As they fight, Joker gets the upper hand]
Batman: [To Bruce, through comlink] He's tough. Any suggestions, boss?
Bruce Wayne: Joker's vain and likes to talk. He'll try to distract you, but don't listen. Block it out and power on through.
Batman: Wait... I like to talk too...
[They fight, and Terry knees the Joker in the gut]
Joker: What're you doing?
Batman: Fighting dirty.
Joker: The REAL Batman would never-- [Terry pushes the knee in further]
Batman: Told you ya didn't know me.
Joker: Funny guy...
Batman: Can't say the same for you. [shoves the Joker so that his gut hits a table]
Joker: Impudent brat. Who do you think you're talking to?
Batman: Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
Joker: [draws a laser pistol] Shut your mouth! [fires at Batman]
Batman: [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him. [tosses a batarang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand]
Joker: Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
Batman: Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. [hits the lights with a batarang, turning them off] The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
Joker: I'm not hearing this...
Batman: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
Joker: [really getting angry] Shut up... Shut up!!
Batman: I mean, joy buzzers, squirting flowers? Lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
Joker: Show yourself!
Batman: You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic. [mimics the Joker's laugh]
Joker: Stop that!
Batman: So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What, you couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown? [laughs mockingly]
Joker: [grabs some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
Batman: [laughs harder] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
Joker: [throwing grenades] YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!!!

Joker: [as he takes off Batman's mask and strangles him, he laughs] C'mon, McGinnis! Laugh it up now, you miserable little punk! LAUGH! [in a sing-song tone] I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Terry: Ha... ha. [jabs joybuzzer into the back of Joker's neck, frying the microchip and killing him before Terry puts his mask back on]

Flashback[edit]

A significant portion of the movie is dedicated to the final battle between the original Batman and Joker; quotes from this segment are separated here.

The Joker: You know, Bats, we've been doing this little runaround of ours for years. It's been loads of laughs, but sad fact is, none of us are getting any younger.
Harley Quinn: That old clock's a'tickin'!
The Joker: Quite right, poo. And Harley and I thought it was time to start a family. Add a "Joker Junior" to our merry brood.
Harley Quinn: But rather than go through all the joys of childbirth, [makes disgusted face] we decided to adopt.
The Joker: We couldn't do it legally, but then we remembered that you always have a few spare kids lying around — so we borrowed one.
[Joker and Harley open the curtain, revealing a shadowed figure strapped to a table.]
Batman: No...
Batgirl: My God!
The Joker: He needed a little moulding, of course; what kid doesn't? But, in time, we came to love him as our own. Say hello, J.J.!:
[Robin appears fom the shadows, mutilated to look like the Joker and laughing mindlessly]

Harley Quinn: Sweetie, get mommy's bazooka!

The Joker: What's the matter, Batman? No witty comeback? No threat? Then I'll provide the narration... [the screen flickers to life, showing "Our Family Memories"] I'll begin with how I peeled back the layers of the boy's mind. [In the edited version, he says, "I'll begin with how I affected young Robin's makeover."] Oh, he bravely tried to fight it at first. You would've been proud to see him so strong - but all too soon, the serums and the shocks took their toll... and the dear lad began to share such secrets with me. [In the edited cut, "the serums and the shocks took their toll... and" was cut] Secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true, Batsy! I know everything. And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the sturm and batarang, you're just a little boy in a playsuit, crying for mommy and daddy! It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic. [pause] Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway! HA HA HA HA HA HAA!

The Joker: If you don't like the movie, I've got slides.

Batman: I'll break you in two...
The Joker: Oh, Batman, if you had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago. I on the other hand... [The Joker produces a knife from his sleeve, cuts Batman across the chest and stabs it in above his knee, or in the edited cut, he just punches him; in either case, he jumps down to the wounded Batman] You've lost, Batman. Robin is mine. The last sound you'll hear will be our laughter.

[Edited version]
The Joker: [tosses laughing gas gun to Tim] Here you go, sonny boy! [Tim grabs the gun] Make him one of us!
[Tim aims the gun at Batman]
Batman: Tim...
[Tim lowers the gun, then puts it away and tackles the Joker into the next room with tanks of water near electrical wiring, where he crashes into one and tries going after Tim but slips and turns on the electrical wiring; scene cuts to far away from the room, where the Joker's horrific death scream is heard]

[Uncut version]
The Joker: [tosses the bang flag spear gun to Tim] Here you go, sonny boy! [Tim grabs the gun] Make daddy proud: deliver the punchline.
[Tim aims the gun at Batman, then pulls the trigger and a "Bang!" flag pops up harmlessly]
Batman: Tim...
[Tim pauses a bit, still laughing]
The Joker: DO IT!
[Tim laughs for a bit, but slowly breaks out of the brainwashing effect, then turns around and fires the gun at the Joker instead, where the flag spear pierces his heart, and he gets flown and knocked into giant building blocks]
The Joker: [dying] That's not funny... that's not...
[gets choked up in blood, then falls to the floor, dead]

Commissioner Barbara Gordon: [ends the flashback] We buried the Joker deep beneath Arkham. The only other person who knew what happened that night was my father, the first Commissioner Gordon. He promised to keep our secret. [In the edited version, the line, "We buried the Joker deep beneath Arkham," was removed before the next line "The only other person who knew what happened that night..."] In his last act of cruelty, the Joker tainted us all with compromise and deception. [turns to Terry] I suppose he had the last laugh after all.

External links[edit]