Family Guy/Season 1

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Contents

[edit] Death Has a Shadow

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!
[Stewie approaches Lois, who is sitting at the kitchen table]
Stewie: Hello, Mother.
Lois: Well, hi there, sweetie!
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of...active grenades!
[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]
Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.
[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]
Stewie: Yes, well...victory is mine!
[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device. A second later, the grenades detonate.]
Stewie: AHHH! DAMN YOU ALL!

[edit] I Never Met the Dead Man

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style."]
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

[edit] Chitty Chitty Death Bang

[in Lois' womb]
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.
Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

[edit] Mind Over Murder

[Lois is daydreaming while washing the dishes, Stewie throws his bottle at her.]
Stewie: Blast you, woman, awake from your damnable reverie!
Lois: [sighs] Honey, I'm doing the dishes.
Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but, you see, I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!
Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?
Stewie: No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me, shake me like a British nanny!
Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens; inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone; he finally picks up]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked; to Ernie] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. [he puts on his pants, drinks out of a beer bottle, and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
[Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]

[edit] A Hero Sits Next Door

[Stewie is reading Machiavelli's The Prince]
Stewie: Oh Machiavelli, you've taught me nothing I don't already know! [he tosses the book aside and picks up another] Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War!
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies. [gathers them up and turns on the TV] Here, watch The Teletubbies.
Stewie: How DARE you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind--Ooh, fuzzy! [the Teletubbies on TV giggle] God, the more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away!
Teletubbies: Again, again!
Stewie: [excitedly] Yes, yes, again, again, oh dear God, please, once more!
[Peter comes in and changes the channel.]
Peter: Sorry Stewie, A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham!.
Stewie: I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! [turns to Peter] Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh, I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

[edit] The Son Also Draws

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
Meg: Okay, look. Dad is really easy. All you have to do is sit on his lap, give him a big kiss on the cheek, look him right in the eye, and he's butter.
[Living room. Peter is on the couch. Chris walks in and jumps on his lap.]
Peter: What the hell?
Chris: Dad, the Scouts are no fun, and I... Oh, wait a minute. [kisses Peter on the cheek; Peter has a horrified look on his face]
Peter: [in shock] Chris, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we will never speak of this again. [does so]

[edit] Brian: Portrait of a Dog

Peter: C'mon, everyone, that Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start! [all of the family rushes to the television]
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his room, sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich.
Nancy Bradford: [laughs] Oh, Dad, that's your solution to everything!
[Tom becomes visibly angry and slaps Nancy out of her chair, striking her eight times. Mary runs back into the room and grabs his hand.]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: WHAT?!
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough! [Tom snaps out of it and starts to laugh. Mary and Nancy start to laugh as well.]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love you girls! [shot switches to the Griffin family, all of their mouths agape, except Stewie, who's smiling]
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're...hogging up all the ugly!

[edit] External links

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