Family Guy/Season 2

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Contents

[edit] Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.
Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.
Maids and Butlers [M&B]: We only live to kiss your ass
Butler: Kiss it? Oh, we'll even wipe it for you.
M&B: From here on in it's easy street
Peter: Any bars on that street?
Butler: 24 happy-hours a day.
Peter: Oh, boy!
M&B: We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate [one man comes up to the gates]
Guard: Can I see that phamphlet, sir? [smacks him with it]
Peter: My God, this house is freakin' sweet!

[edit] Holy Crap

Peter: (returns home) Lois, put the coffee on!
Lois: Careful! I just cleaned the floor.
Peter: Good thing. Huh? (laughs)
(the Pope kisses the floor, smacks his lips, and smiles)
Pope: Lemony!
(Lois, shocked at the sight of his Holiness, drops a dish)
Lois: Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!
Francis: (shocked at the sight of the Pope) Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! (kneels before his Holiness) I am not worthy.

[edit] Da Boom

Chicken Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
Peter: Nooooo! [runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Chicken Man] I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Brian: ...besides, this place is paradise.
Old Man: Sure is, except for Randy Newman.
Peter: Randy Newman?
Old Man: Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.
Randy Newman: [singing and playing a piano, describing what he sees] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!
Lois: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
Randy Newman: [singing] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bit, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!
Lois: [whispering] Let's get the hell out of here.
Randy Newman: [singing] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

[edit] Brian in Love

Bob Barker: Join us tomorrow for more "Price is Right". This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die already.

[edit] Love Thy Trophy

Indian Child: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian Child: Li, would your people really do this?
Stewie: Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who will in turn sell them to Yuri's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you understand, yes? You all hate each other.
[all the other children start crying]
Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!

[edit] Death is a Bitch

Dr. Hartman: This doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all...
Lois: Oh!
Dr. Hartman: [shows a child-like drawing of himself] My-my Nephew drew my portrait; it doesn't look a thing like me. I mean, look at the nose, it's all-
Lois: WILL YOU JUST TELL US ABOUT PETER'S TESTS?!
Dr. Hartman: Okay, okay. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: Fatty corpuscle? Wait a minute, how the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter: I'm fine? What, are you coming on to me now?
Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Dr. Hartman: ...Can't it be both?

(Peter answers the door, and looks scared)

Peter: Wh-who are you?
Death: I'm Clarista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death! Which one you is Peter Griffin?
Peter: Uh, he is [points at Chris.]

[edit] The King is Dead

Lois: Stewie, do you want to try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie: [he takes his blankie and stuffs it in his back] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York. And all the-"
Lois: Why don't you sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
Stewie: How DARE you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois: Oh, sing "Baa-Baa Black Sheep"!
Stewie: You know, mother, as First Lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said, "I'm going to kill you!"
Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
Peter: That's not true! I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities.
Lois: No you didn't.
Peter: ...You win this round, Lois.
Lois: You're not being creative, you're just destroying a wonderful show.
Peter: Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9 AM.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 AM is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] Oh, ha, ha. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

[edit] I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar

Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.
Woman 2: Sure is hot. [removes her top]
Woman 1: And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois. Not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Lois: [mocks] "We'll take the box." You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
Peter: Come on Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I've ever done something stupid. Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat?
[Cutaway to 10 minutes ago]
Peter: A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we've wanted one of those!
Lois: Then let's just...
Peter: We'll take the box.
[Cut back to Peter and Lois 10 minutes after]
Lois: Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago.

[edit] If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

Peter: Wow! I look like a freakin' Emmy! [laughs, then looks at the camera] Hint hint.
Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian: You want an explanation? [while slapping Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

[edit] Running Mates

Peter: [coming outside in his underwear] Hey, Lois, you seen my pants? [audience laughs; Peter looks at a group of people on the other side of the street sitting in bleachers] Boy, will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Lois: Peter, we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
Peter: Oh, yeah. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire! [looks at the sign] Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Brian: Uh, you guys, Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. [audience oohs]
Peter: Oh, that's it, I'm calling the cops!
[Stewie walks into the room and disappears from view under Brian's newspaper]
Stewie: Oh my! Look where my hand is! I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place. [Brian puts the newspaper down and Stewie is shown with his finger up his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Stewie: Look! I'm writing profanity on the wall! [Brian puts newspaper down with the word "Poppycock" written on the wall]
Brian: Water soluble.
Stewie: [Frustrated] Come on, discipline me! If Lois was here, she'd prove to be a worthy adversary!

[edit] A Picture Is Worth a 1,000 Bucks

[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]
Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
[We see he is actually driving blind]
Lois: Then at least let me drive!
Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] Hehehehehe, that's adorable.
Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.
Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

[edit] Fifteen Minutes of Shame

Fisherman: (after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank) Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!
Peter: Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?
Chris: (lividly) NO WAY!!
(he throws his last ball at the target, and it hits, sending the fisherman into the shark-infested tank)
Fisherman: Oh, for the love of Pete!
Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!!
[Cutaway to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the Camera.]
Stewie: Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. I-it wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I-I-I do. I have no problem...it's just, there's always a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her...it's just...I-I just want her, not to be alive, anymore. Uh, I-I sometimes wonder if-if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

[edit] Road to Rhode Island

Man in Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
Stewie: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]
Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Two-Tone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

[edit] Let's Go To The Hop

Lois: Now don't pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.
Chris: What about the time she strangled my other sister?
Lois: [nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.
Chris: But I remember it so clear-
Peter and Lois: [loudly] It was a dream!
Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal.
Child on television: Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?
[jail door closes]
Voiceover: Just one.

[edit] Dammit Janet

Brian: [eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."
Brian: Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
Stewie: AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!
Brian: AHA! Thank you for proving my point.
Stewie: DAMN!
Janet: Hi! Cookie?
Stewie: No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

[edit] There's Something About Paulie

Peter: Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell getting around. I actually had to rent a mustang.
[Cutaway to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]
Peter: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

[edit] He's Too Sexy For His Fat

[Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie: My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.
Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris: Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.
Meg: Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!
Chris: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg: I don't have a mustache...do I?
Lois: Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.
Meg: But, Mom!
Lois: Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.
[Cutaway to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]
Stewie: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in hell... [falls asleep]

[edit] E. Peterbus Unum

[while Lois is home-schooling the kids, Chris passes a note to Meg]
Lois: Chris, is that a note?
Chris: No.
Lois: Yes it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?
Chris: ...No!
Meg: Just read it, lardo.
Chris: [reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.
Lois: Go to your room.
Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]
Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

[edit] The Story on Page One

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?
West: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]
Meg: Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...
West: My God! Somebody's stealing my water!
Meg: It just went down the drain.
West: They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!
Meg: You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]
West: Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

[edit] Wasted Talent

Lois: You're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

[edit] Fore Father

Quagmire: The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is...well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!
Stripper: How old are you?
Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore.

[edit] External links

Wikipedia has an article about:
Family Guy.
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