Family Guy/Season 4

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Contents

North by North Quahog

Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
Tom: In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?
Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie.

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think can do better. What do you see here, Chris? [holds up Chris' failed homework in front of her chest]
Chris: Two Ds and an F.
[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]
Lois: No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
[Cutaway to prisoners singing in the shower]
Prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,
Whether you're white or bronze
A man can wash another man
In the merry old land of Oz!

Blind Ambition

Brian: [sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
Brian: What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
Peter: Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
[Cutaway to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]
Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]
Peter: Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.
God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. [makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]
Woman: Wow!
God: Yep, magic fingers. [God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes] Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ: What?
God: Get the Escalade. We're outta here!

Don't Make Me Over

Peter: Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
[Cutaway to hospital]
Peter: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
Man: Oh, my God.
Peter: [laughs] No no no, I'm just kidding. She's dead.
Peter: Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the tin man found out he was gay.
[Cutaway to a scene from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]
Tin Man: Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Brian: So, they revoked your CPR card, huh?
Peter: Yeah. I tell you, this is worse than that time they took away my library card for reading while intoxicated.
[Cutaway to the library]
Peter: [reading, intoxicated] Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain. You still live in exciting times. [a police officer shows up] Aw, crap!
Police officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter: [reading and running as the officer follows him] The life of a silversmith's apprentice was not an easy one! Aaahh! [runs into the bookshelf, knocking it and a bunch of books over, then cries]
Quagmire: Yeah, uh, Cleveland, this is Quagmire. Uh, listen, I feel awful. Why don't you come on over and we can try to get things back to the way they used to be? Remember how it was?
[Cutaway to Cleveland and Quagmire wearing hip 70's clothes, brown caps and medallions, walking around doing fancy movements with their fingers]
Cleveland: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] Perhaps here there are many unsuspecting foxes to have sex with us.
Quagmire: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] That is why we wear tight pants to show our bulges.
Cleveland: [in psuedo-Czech ascent] We are...
Both: Two wild and crazy guys! [Peter walks in, with a hamper full of clothes, looking like a conehead ]
Peter: You guys look stupid.

Petarded

Lois: Well, now that the mess is all cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room, it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit.
Peter: Oh, man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. It always makes me feel so stupid.
Brian: More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car?
[Cutaway showing Peter sitting in his car]:
Peter: Damn it. H-hey, hey! Somebody! Hey! [a man walks by the car] Hey, s-sir! Sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir? Sir-oh, screw you! [shifts a bent piece of a hanger out of the window. He manages to hook his keys onto it, but the hanger falls off and out of the car; Peter cries]
Judge: In fact, If I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?
Judge: Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs the gavel]
Peter: Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
Judge: Aw, I already banged the hammer.

Brian the Bachelor

[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]
Stewie: Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.
Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!
Mrs. Quagmire: That's old food! [Mittens meows]
Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
Mrs. Quagmire: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Stewie: You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, um, you know, that's something to think ab- [burps] Oop, just burped.
Liddane: (in tears) I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!
Stewie: He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just-- Lemme just hold you for a while.
(the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie)
Liddane: Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no. No!
Stewie: But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... (wails like a real baby)
Liddane: No more T.V.!
Stewie: Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian: Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.
[Cutaway to Peter in a hospital with about four kids in beds]
Peter: Hi there, how 'yall doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uhh...um, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning. Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?
Kid: Dying hurts!
Peter: Tell me about it. So anyway, who hates flying?

Model Misbehavior

Peter: So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.
Carter: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just-I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on-on-on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].
Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cockapoopoopeepeeshire.

Peter's Got Woods

Stewie: [reading The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger suprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
[Cutaway to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!
Stewie: Yes, I see you, fat man.
Peter: [gasps] Where's daddy? [covers eyes]
Stewie: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see...well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
Peter: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
Stewie: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

The Perfect Castaway

Tom: In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul, which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the Black-u-Weather report. Ollie?
Ollie: [on the coast] It's rainin' sideways!
Tom: Sounds rough, Ollie. Do you have an umbrella?
Ollie: Had one!
Tom: Where is it?
Ollie: Inside out, 2 miles away!
Tom: Is there anything we can do for you?
Ollie: Bring me some soup!
Tom: What kind?
Ollie: CHUNKY!
Tom: All right. We'll get on that. Coming up next, a pig who refuses to eat Jews? After this.
Lois: Okay, I'm going out.
Brian: Where are you going?
Lois: To my...uh...uh, garden club.
Brian: It's 10:30 at night. And you have a saddle.
Lois: Well... it's a... I... um... [extracts a ball] What's this? What's this, Brian, huh? What's this, huh?
Brian: It's a ball.
Lois: Oh, is this your ball? You want it? Huh? You want this? Huh?
Brian: Yes, I would like-I would like it, please, yes.
Lois: Yeah, you want this? Huh? You want the ball?!
Brian: Yes, I would like to have it very much.
Lois: You want it? Huh? You want the ball?!
Brian: Yes-yes, I would enjoy having it, yes. Give it to me.
Lois: GO GET IT! [pretends to throw the ball, and Brian runs after it, then returns]
Brian: I-I'm sorry, Lois. I was mistaken. I thought you threw the ball in there, but I can see now you still have it.
Lois: [throws the ball; Brian runs after it] Go get the ball! [runs out the door; Brian returns again]

Jungle Love

Unemployer: Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.
Peter: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.
[Cutaway to two doctors in a small window]
Doctor: Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]
Peter: I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...
Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.
[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]
Meg: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?
Peter: [drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?

PTV

Peter: [on the FCC's censorship] What the hell? They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot!
Brian: East of Eden? So, you pretty much do whatever Oprah tells you to, huh?
Stewie: You know, this book's been around for fifty years. It's a classic.
Brian: But you just got it last week. And there's a giant Oprah sticker on the front.
Stewie: Oh, oh, is that what that is? Oh, let me just peel that right off.
Brian: So, uh, what are you going to read after that?
Stewie: Well, she hasn't told us yet - Damn!

Brian Goes Back To College

[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]
Chris: Hi, Dad!
Peter: Go to your room.
Chris: Okay. [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]
Peter: You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

The Courtship of Stewie's Father

Tom: We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
Ollie: Everybody looks like ants!
Tom: Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Stewie: Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
[Lois angrily comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
Peter: Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?
Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.
Peter: Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.
Brian: Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]
It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Where he at?!
Now, there he go!
There he go!
There he go!
There he go!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peter: Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]
Brian: [continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

The Fat Guy Strangler

[Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]
Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
Jennifer: Um... $675, Bob.
Barker: $675. Stephen?
Stephen: Uh, $780.
Barker: $780. Tammy?
Tammy: What was the last bid?
Barker: $780.
Tammy: $781.
Stephen: (bleep) You!
[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
Stewie: Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
Brian: Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Stewie: Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
[both laugh]
Brian: I don't know, man. It's his wife.
Stewie: You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
Brian: [laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. [laughs]
Stewie: You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.
[both laugh]
Stewie: If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.
[both laugh, harder]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

Chris: I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus.
Announcer: And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island".
(in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water)
Mark: You think we should be this far out?
Other Man: Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.
Jaws: [sounds like Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

Brian Sings and Swings

[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]
Bruce: I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.
Cashier: That's fine.
Bruce: No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay; I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]
Stewie: [after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
Brian: I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Cause life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Stewie: Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
Brian: You mean, the way...the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something is really, really funny?
[Cutaway to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith, with Stewie laughing differently than usual]
Stewie: Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time. [runs off]

Patriot Games

Peter: All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do. By taking steroids.
Tom: Diane didn't your first your husband blow his brains out?
Diane: Oh, God! (cries uncontrollably)
Tom: Coming up: America's hottest new curse word "Kleeman", We'll tell you what it means after this.

I Take Thee Quagmire

[scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]
Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.
Peter: Thanks, Regis.
Sajak: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.
Peter: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.
Sajak: Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.
Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]
Sajak: (in the state of shock) I... don't... believe it!
Peter: Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!
Peter: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
Sajak: That's you.
Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
[at home]
Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!
Brian: I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".
[Cutaway to "Jeopardy!"]
Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [Adam reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." AAAAGH!!! [disappears]
Adam: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Sibling Rivalry

[Suddenly, a throwing star comes out of nowhere and misses him by inches. Stewie is seen having just entered the tent, brandishing a sword]
Bertram: Stewie! You're alive!
Stewie: Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated.
Bertram: You have an annoying habit of turning up when you're not welcome!
Stewie: Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate Y.
[Cutaway to a business meeting with A, E, I, O, and U.]
A: If you'll turn to page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, [Y enters, talking on his cell phone] which I can tell are...
Y: Okay, okay. Yeah, alright. Okay, you know what, I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back. [hangs up]
E: Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.
Y: So, what are we talking about here?
U: Well, before you- [Y's phone rings]
Y: Oh, I'm sorry. [answers] F! What's up? No, no, I can talk.
Dr. Hartman: (after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.
Lois: Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Lois: Chris, we all love your hat.
Chris: Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?
Dr. Hartman: Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]
Peter: Uhhhh, it's exactly what it looks like.

Deep Throats

Brian: Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
Kermit the Frog: [hides in the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows, my identity will be safest if you never see my face.
Brian: Uh... okay.
Kermit: Mayor West hasn't slept at home for 3 nights.
Brian: Kermit the Frog?
Kermit: [gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Stewie: What's his appeal?
Meg: I have to tell you something, Adam.
West: You're an alien. I know.

Peterotica

Kool-Aid Man: [after a car crashes into his house] Wow. You know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.
White: Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Chris: She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.
Classmate: What? Kick them around?
Chris: Um, wait...yes.
[Peter enters the mayor's office during Brian's stand-off with the Mayor]
Peter: Hey, whass-a happ-a wit-chu? [canned laughter]
Brian: What the hell was that?
Peter: My catchphrase.
Brian: You don't have a catchphrase.
Peter: Why you gotta say-a like-a dat? [canned laughter]

Petergeist

Bruce: [as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!
Peter: I'll tell you what's not safe: Going hunting with Dick Cheney.
[Cutaway to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]
Peter: So, y'all set to go hunting? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]
Cheney: Sorry, I thought you were a deer.
Herbert: [after the Griffins' house disappears] So no hard feelings?
Tree: Nah, nah, let's just put it all behind us.
Herbert: Wanna come over for some tea and cookies?
Tree: Sure.
Herbert: Are you a giving tree, or a receiving tree?

Untitled Griffin Family History

[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]
Lois: Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?
[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]
Peter: They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.
[Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]
Peter: What the hell is this? This is a tank of Tony Danza's breath! Who the hell would want this?
[Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]
Light: [with a life-sized hay-stuffed doll with Tony Danza's face on it] Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. [kisses the doll, inhales] Hey!

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Pre-Movie

Tricia: Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup...no, I take that one back. I'm going to hold on to that one.

Stewie B. Goode

Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks! It's much faster than a horse! (the station manager hands him a note) Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer workin' here, let me tell you somethin': You know what really grinds my gears? YOU, America! (points at camera) FUCK YOU!! Diane? (security takes him away)

Bango Was His Name Oh!

Lois: Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls! So I'll ask you again. What are the names of the women on Sex and the City? [camera zooms out to reveal Chris standing in a tub of water with his hands tied above him]
Chris: Uh...Carrie...Miranda...uh, Samantha...and...uh...Scrappy-Doo?
Lois: Hit him, Endo! [a man takes 2 sponges attached to electrical wire and touches them to Chris]
Chris: AH! AH! Uh, Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? AH! AHH-AH!
[Stewie is on an elevator. A man gets on]
Man in Elevator: [on the phone] Hey, yeah, I just checked in. Yeah, I might lose you, I just got in the elevator. Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower. Did-did you guys eat yet? No-no...no, I'll just take a cab. You got your car? Do you wanna pick me up? D-do you wan...do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up?
[the elevator stops at a floor. Stewie walks out whistling. We see blood smeared on the elevator wall and the man's legs flailing around]

Stu and Stewie's Excellent Adventure

Stewie: [to Stu] You listen to me, Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and... [reading from The Joy of Sex ] "insert your phall-us* into her vag-in-a." Go!

*Changed to "pen-is" on the televised version.

Post-Movie

Tricia: Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Peter: Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[Cutaway to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Cleveland: Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Peter: Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Cleveland: Look, if you want me to fuck this chick I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit. You're showing a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in wearing a tribal skirt and a drum]
Stewie: Did I miss my cue?
[in the bar]
Peter: Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[Cutaway to Lois sitting on the couch. Chris walks in]
Chris: [nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
Lois: [in a shakey voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
Brian: [in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table everytime he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!
Tricia: Peter, is there anything else you want to say?
Peter: Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts. Everyone laughs]
Lois: [laughs] Oh, Peter.
Peter: Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffin's living room, where the scene is shown on TV]
Peter: That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again. Peter farts once more]

External links

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