Family Guy/Season 6

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor it's parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or it's parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.

Contents

[edit] Blue Harvest

[Opening Dialogue for "Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope"]
It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.
There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out until the next episode.
And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss, which is kinda messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie "Gia". She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest...
Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...
[At the Death Star meeting]
Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Darth Vader (Stewie): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So, no weaknesses at all?
Admiral Motti: ...N-no.
Darth Vader (Stewie): You...you hesitated there for a moment. Is there something I should know?
Admiral Motti: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%
Darth Vader (Stewie): Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Admiral Motti: Well, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.
Admiral Motti: Nah, it's nothing. I mean, it's only two meters wide.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West): Why, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Admiral Motti: Exactly. And to get within range, you have to skim down this whole trench, it's no big deal.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Well, can't we board it up? I mean, put some plywood over it?
Admiral Motti: Well that would look terrible. We've got to think about resale.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Resale? What are you talking about?! This property's right above Sunset, the value's only going to go up!
Admiral Motti: Lord Vader, your inside references on the Los Angeles real estate market have not helped you to turn around a profit on that condo in Glendale. Or given you clairvoyance to obtain... [Stewie force chokes Motti]
Darth Vader (Stewie): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown...
Admiral Motti: [gasping] There's...nothing to do...downtown!
Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West): Enough of this! Vader, release him!
Darth Vader (Stewie): As you wish. [releases Motti] So, are we going to plug up that hole?
Imperial Officer: Yeah. We can do it tomorrow if price is no object.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Uhhhhh...
Imperial Officer: We'll get estimates.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Yeah, estimates, yeah.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?
Han Solo (Peter): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
Han Solo (Peter): [stammers] Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! Alright, let's go.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womprats in my T-16.
C-3PO (Quagmire): My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!
[Last lines]
Meg: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris: I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define decent.
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? You knows?
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.
Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.
Chris: Oh, so you do know the show?
Peter: I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.
Chris: [angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!
[After Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black after the last notes]

[edit] Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

Lois: So, Meg, any luck finding another job?
Meg: No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.
[Cutaway to Meg on the couch, on the phone]
Meg: What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and...we could watch House?
[Cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, reavealing he's the caller]
Peter: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]
Announcer: This tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime Original movie.
Valerie Bertinelli: You know, Doctor, you said you were gonna cure my cancer. But all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.
Doctor: Well you're right...about the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still have the cancer.
[Valerie then cries]
Announcer: Valerie Bertinelli in : Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime

[edit] Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air

Dr. Hartman: So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?
Joe: Doc, I can't take it anymore. I wanna walk again. I'll do whatever it takes!
Dr. Hartman: Well, there is a highly expirimental new procedure. It's essentially a leg transplant. If you'd be willing to sign a waiver, I think I may be able to help you.
Peter: You know, when you talk, you sound alot like my father-in-law, Carter Pewterschmidt.
Dr. Hartman: Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine! [Carter walks into the scene holding a cup]
Carter: [sounds exactly like Dr. Hartman] Here's my urine sample. Doctor.
Dr. Hartman: Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Oh, hi, Peter.
Dr. Hartman: You know, Peter says we sound alike.
Carter: Really, I don't hear it.
Dr. Hartman: Actually, I think I do hear it now.
Carter: Really?
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interactions, so I've never noticed it.
Carter: Hey, I think I hear it, too!
Dr. Hartman: Seems lazy, doesn't it?
Carter: Well, there's only so many voices in the world. Some of them are bound to be similar.
[Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]
Joe: Wow, I never felt so alive. Come on ladies kick your high heels off and get moving, you guys are a disgrace!
Quagmire: Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
Cleveland: Yeah, I'm afraid I might- [Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall] Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.
Peter: Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
Spider-Man: Bingo! [He shoots another web and flies away.]
Peter: I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to Peter at a grocery store with Jackée Harry]
Peter: A pallette? Am I reading this right? You need a pallette of chocolate covered pretzels? Where the hell am I supposed to... And what is this? A drum of grape jam? What, is that like a drum that they ship oil in? And look at this one! A desk of Cheez-Its. A desk? Where are you getting these units of measurement from?
Jackée: Mary!
Peter: [Laughs] That is still funny! Ok, you stay right here big funny gal! I'll be right back with... A hammock of cake.

[edit] 100th Episode Celebration

Seth MacFarlane: Hello America! I'm Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy, here to talk to you about some of the amazing work that's going on at the Dana-Farber Center for Cancer Research. [smiles] Oh, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Tonight we're gonna watch some of my favorite clips from Family Guy as we celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.
Seth MacFarlane: At the heart of any successful TV family comedy is the family itself. Let's take a stroll down Spooner Street and relive some memorable moments from the family that helped make me, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, into a Caucasian Hollywood millionaire.
Seth MacFarlane: Sure, Family Guy is a half hour of laughter, but it's also a half hour of learning. Let's take a look back at some Family Guy history lessons that have kept America's high schoolers out of college.
Seth MacFarlane: Welcome back to the Family Guy 100th Episode Celebration. Aren't you glad this isn't the Dharma & Greg clip show? Because by now, you would have already seen the Dharma clips and you'd be stuck watching the Greg clips. God, what an awful, awful show. [10 second pause] Well, now let's check in once again with some of our biggest fans!
Seth MacFarlane: You know, some of my favorite moments on Family Guy over the years have been the musical numbers. They're the moments that keep us just one gay step ahead of the competition. So lighten those loafers and get ready for us to suck your funny bone with some Family Guy-style show stoppers.
Seth MacFarlane: Hahahaha! I forgot how funny I am!
Seth MacFarlane: I hope you've liked what you've seen so far, and I know you're gonna enjoy the rest. [starts to toss a baseball into his gloved hand repeatedly, playing catch with himself] And after it's over, what do you say you and I head out back and have a game of catch? We can talk about the trouble you've been having at school and why girls are so interesting all of a sudden.
Seth MacFarlane: You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing". Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.
Seth MacFarlane: You know, through the years, Peter Griffin has had more jobs than you can shake a stick at. [smiling] You know, I never got that phrase, "shake a stick at". Did people in the old days shake sticks at things in large groups? [Seth and people behind the camera laugh] See, I'm the engine that drives a lot of the comedy on the show. Let's look at some of Peter's jobs.
Seth MacFarlane: We'll be right back with more Cold Case. [more to himself than to anyone else] Another awful show. And it's very tough to look at, the whole thing is just drab. And it's like it's all shot with a blue filter, and it makes everything look really gray and unappealing. And Medium, I hate Medium. Come on, everybody!
Seth MacFarlane: Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!

[edit] Stewie Kills Lois

[Stewie aims a gun at Lois]
Lois: What are you-- Wha-what are you doing with a gun?
Stewie: Something I should have done a very long time ago. [shoots rapidly at Lois until she falls into the water with blood on her chest] I DID IT! I DID IT! SHE'S DEAD! [laughs evilishly until he trips and cries] Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommmy! Oh, yeah, that's right.
Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Mr. Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree!
Peter: Oh, no!
Bruce: Oh, no!
Brian: Oh, no!
Meg: Oh, no!
Chris: Oh, no!
[The Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]
Kool-Aid-Man: OH, YEAH!! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]
Judge: Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.

[edit] Lois Kills Stewie

[the family returns home]
Brian: Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise we're all gonna be-
[a gun cocks, camera cuts to Stewie]
Stewie: So, it's all out in the open now, isn't it?
Peter: Stewie, uh, how long you been all messed up and evil like this?
Stewie: Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn!
Peter: That was an owl?
Stewie: Yes, and now we're going to look at it again. [hits Peter in the knees, knocking him down, and drags him screaming over to the picture. Stewie begins yelling while holding a gun to Peter's head] LOOK, LOOK! DO YOU LIKE IT?!
Peter: [fearful] Yes.
Stewie: WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT IT SPECIFICALLY?!
Peter: I don't know...
Stewie: PICK SOMETHING OR I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!
Peter: I like... how it looks like an owl?
Stewie: THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENT!! [Stewie walks away; Peter curls in a ball and starts sobbing]
[After Peter shoots Stewie in the head]
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It...it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's...better?

[edit] Padre de Familia

Brian: Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?!
Peter: Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!
Brian: He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!
Peter: Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.
Brian: Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.
Peter: They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!
[Peter is offered a citizenship deal by Carter]
Gerardo: Peter, you must go. We will find our own way. [Peter gives him a good-bye hug]
Peter: I'll never forget you, Gerardo.
[Cut to the Griffins' living room]
Peter: Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo.
[Commenting on a 4th of Juli parade]
Tom Tucker: And here comes wakadoo film director, Oliver Stone. Oliver is here to promote his new movie, Born on the 4th of Juli 2 - Born on the 5th of Juli, which he promises will be even Julier then the original...a dangerously insane human being.'

[edit] Peter's Daughter

[Stewie and Brian are renovating a broken-down house]
Stewie: All right, Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie; I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay. [Stewie leaves with the wire and a walkie-talkie]
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you finish talking. Over.
Brian: [sighs] What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: No...what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why'd you ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: [pause] Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said, why'd you ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it? Over.
Stewie: Oh, that's better, I can hear you now. Over. You see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You gotta finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it. My sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- Wait a minute, I have to say "over" even if the sentence ends with the word "over"?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over. [the wire finally comes down from the wall]
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian: [grabs the wire and pulls hard] OVER! [Stewie comes crashing down]
[Chris is working as an usher.]
Neil: Hello.
Chris: Hi. Name, please.
Neil: Neil Goldman.
Chris: [checks his list] Goldman, Goldman. Sorry, no Neil Goldman.
Neil: Oh, I beg your pardon. I meant to say Chris Griffin.
Chris: [checks his list] Griffin, Griffin. Oh, here it is. Says you're supposed to be an usher. [hands his list and pen to Neil] Well, you'll need this.
Neil: Name, please.
Chris: Chris Griffin.
Neil: [checks his list] Griffin, Griffin, hmm. I'm sorry, sir, Chris Griffin has already checked in.
Chris: Well, that's impossible!

[edit] McStroke

[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]
Stewie: Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.
[Cutaway to Will Smith recording a rap song]
Will Smith: Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,
I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum,
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready,
Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what!
Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job,
So you can help pay for school supplies,
A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house,
Someone just cleaned that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!
[Peter just crashed his car]
Man in a canoe: STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!
Peter: Stop mocking me!

[edit] Back to the Woods

Stewie: Okay. I just hope I don't get distracted. I am a baby after all. [walks away] Ooh, a brightly colored dish towel! What did I come in here for?
[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]
David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods!
Peter: Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
James Woods: [at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I-I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?
Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September, 11th 2000-Fun!
[The studio audience gasps]
James Woods: No! No, no, no, no!
David Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter: Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on!" You know, it-it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like-it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear any more about this.
Peter: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade, that...dwarf, that...skinny chickenshit!

[edit] Play it Again, Brian

TV: Now we return to "Damn Nature, You Scary" on BET.
Announcer: [a cheetah is running] Damn, look at that sumbitch go. He hauling ass. That thing come to my house I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That little rat-looking thing just got ate! DAMN NATURE, YOU SCARY!
Herbert: [reading Peter and the Wolf to Chris as a bedtime story] "... and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf. But he didn't listen to them..." 'Cause he's his own man. And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun! Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter... [whistles the theme to "Peter and the Wolf"]
Chris: Are you a pedophile?

[edit] The Former Life of Brian

[Brian and Stewie are at Joel's 2nd birthday]
Brian: Hey, Stewie. You ready to go home?
Stewie: About an hour ago! This party sucks!
Brian: What happened to your face?
Stewie: I'm a kitty cat. Stupid face-painter's apparently never heard of Darth Maul. This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.
[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]
Stewie: Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Saw me in half.
Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

[edit] Long John Peter

[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]
Peter: Hey, guys, what is going on?
Joe: No way!
Quagmire: Cool!
Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?
Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.
Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch!
Peter: Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
Parrot: I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle? [Peter laughs] I had a gay experience at camp!
Peter: [laughs nervously] Oh, we, we had the radio on, and, they were talking about some goofy stuff- So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?
[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Lois: What?!
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, what you said first was w...well, I mean, w-when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.
Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor it's parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or it's parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.

[edit] External links

Wikipedia has an article about:
Family Guy.
Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference proposes only. Wikiquote, nor it's parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, has no affiliation to 20th Century FOX, or it's parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.
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