Family Guy/Season 3
From Wikiquote
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
[edit] The Thin White Line
- Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
- Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
- Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
- Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
- Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.
[edit] Brian Does Hollywood
- Brian: Hey, y'know what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
- Bill Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
- Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
[edit] Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington
- [Peter gives Stewie a baseball]
- Stewie: [to a boy sitting next to him] I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat.
- Boy: Sure! [they trade, then Stewie whacks him with the bat. He takes his ball back]
- Stewie: What did you learn?
- Brian: Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising.
- [Cutaway to "Lassie" in black and white.]
- Woman: Timmy, where's Lassie?
- Timmy: She's out in the orchard, Mom. Peaches are coming in mighty early this year.
- [cut to Jerry]
- Jerry: SMOKE.
- [cut back to Mom and Timmy]
- Mom: You know what they say, Timmy: "Early peaches, long summers."
- [cut back to Jerry]
- Jerry: SMOKE.
- [cut back to a back view of Mom and Timmy. Lassie has just entered]
- Timmy: What's that, Lassie?
- [cut back to Jerry]
- Jerry: ARE YOU SMOKIN' YET?
[edit] One If By Clam, Two If By Sea
- Quagmire: [to lesbians] So, you ladies ever been penetrated?
- [in jail]
- Inmate 1: Hey, check out the new meat!
- Inmate 2: I like the fat one! More cushion for the pushin'!
- Peter: Thank you!
- Inmate 3: Hey, you and me gonna have a good time together!
- Peter: Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, y'know, I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but, wow!
[edit] And the Wiener is...
- Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
- Rudolph: Is it pixie dust, or-or Leprechaun tales?
- Doctor: No, it's a tumor.
- Rudolph: You mean, like a magical Christmas tumor?
- Doctor: No, a malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
- Rudolph: Oh...[pause] like a happy, special-
- Doctor: You're going to die.
- Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
- Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
- Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
- Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]
[edit] Death Lives
- Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
- Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
- Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on or you'll get frostbite!
- Death: I don't have skin!
- Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
[edit] Lethal Weapons
- Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
- Transvestite: [in deep voice] Sure.
- Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?
- Transvestite: Pre-op.
- Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off!
- Peter: You...you just hit me!
- Lois: That's right!
- [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor.]
- Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
- Peter: Sometimes I wonder.
[edit] The Kiss Seen Around the World
- Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose, it tickles my brain. [does so and laughs] Ow! Oh, now I don't know math.
- Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
- Peter: Who was that guy?
[edit] Mr. Saturday Knight
- Tom: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now, here's Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast. Ollie?
- Ollie: It's gon' rain!
- Tom: Thanks, Ollie.
- Black Knight: You see that there, kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
- Peter: [offscreen] Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! [Peter is shown dressed as a knight on his horse.] Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.
[edit] A Fish Out of Water
- Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
- Peter: Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
- [The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen outfits, talking very quickly.]
- Stewie: The port is quite good.
- Brian: Yes, quite good.
- Chris: Indeed.
- Peter: Most certainly.
- Brian: What year is it?
- Chris: '51.
- Brian: Ah.
- Peter: Delectable.
- Stewie: Indeed.
- Chris: Yes.
- Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
- Stewie: What is it?
- Peter: It appears I've spontaneously combusted.
- Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
- Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
- Stewie: Ah, very good then.
- Chris: For the best.
- Brian: Indeed.
- Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?
[edit] Emission Impossible
- Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
- Lois: What? What?!
- Peter: [holding a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
- Carol Pewterschmidt: Ooh, a baby girl. I'm so happy.
- Peter: [gasps] But she has a penis! Well, we'll have to do something about that! [grabs a scalpel]
- Lois: [taking the scalpel away] Peter, no! It's a boy!
- [Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
- Brian: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
- Peter: [chuckles] That's what...
- Brian: And if you say "that's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.
- Stewie: [Addressing himself in the mirror after wearing liptick] You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes, you're looking for someone to show you a bad time because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!
- [Brian catches Stewie wearing lipstick]
- Stewie: Make any joke you want, you know I look good.
[edit] To Love and Die in Dixie
- Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second, y'know, I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
- Meg: This is our house?
- Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.
[edit] Screwed the Pooch
- Carter: You know, Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight, and I just want to say: I'm glad you married my daughter.
- Peter: Oh, thank you, Jesus!
- [Scene cuts to heaven]
- Jesus: Oh, actually, it wasn't me, it was-
- Vishnu: No, it's okay, I'm used to it.
- Tricia: This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Seabreeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. [Tom Tucker comes out in his boxers with a bag of beer bottles] Ah, I see my colleague, Tom Tucker, is already on the scene.
- Prostitute: Who's that, baby?
- Tom: [quickly shoves her back inside] Hello, this is Tom Tucker...'s evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.
[edit] Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?
- Dennis Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
- Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
- [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
- Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing?
- Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.
- Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
[edit] Ready, Willing, and Disabled
- Tom Tucker: Coming up in this half hour, our undercover exposé on conveniently-placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. [Peter trips over a skateboard]
- Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel
- [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
- Prosecuter: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
- Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
- Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!
[edit] A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas
- Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
- Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
- Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
- Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
- Lois: Hey, why don't you take Joe along?
- Peter: Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
- Lois: What?
- Peter: What?
[edit] Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
- Dr. Goodman: Oh, it's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
- Chris: [laughs] Rump.
- Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
- Pearl Burton: Now go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!
- Brian: That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag! You're just a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and DROP DEAD?! [tries to leave. He undos the locks on the door, but has trouble with the last one] Uh, this last one won't open...
- Pearl: Oh, you gotta jiggle it a little bit.
- Brian: Like this?
- Pearl: No, here, let me get it. [undos the lock]
- Brian: Oh, thanks. And, uh... and, you know. Drop dead. [leaves]
[edit] From Method to Madness
- Jeff Campbell: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
- Dave Campbell: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
- Dottie Campbell: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
- Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
- Dave Campbell: Hey!
- Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
- Chris: BOOBIES!
- Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
- Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
- Chris: BOOBIES!
- Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
- Meg: I don't know what the big deal was. I thought they were nice.
- Chris: BOOBIES!
- Lois: Peter?
- Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neuralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
- Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
- Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!
[edit] Stuck Together, Torn Apart
- [Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
- Lois: Look at that handsome man.
- Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]
- Police officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
- Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
- Brian: Shut up!
- Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
- Girl:Help me!
- Stewie:It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
[edit] Road to Europe
- Stewie: (comes across a smoking Mother Maggie) Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's terribly wrong!
- Maggie: (in a heavier English accent than on T.V.) Whose stinky brat is this?
- Stewie: Wha-- Why, that's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
- Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanka!
- (she kicks Stewie out of the way and resumes smoking)
- Stewie: (after realizing that Jolly Farm Revue is all a fraud) I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
- Brian: Hey, come on. You wan' get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? (Stewie shakes his head no) You wanna get some McDonald's? (Stewie shakes his head no again) You wan' take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? (Stewie nods his head yes) Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
[edit] Family Guy Viewer Mail #1
No Bones About It
[Peter has no bones and is working as a human stunt bag for Hollywood movie productions. A doctor approaches him at a soiree]
- Doctor: Excuse me. Aren't you Peter the Human Stunt Bag?
- Peter: That depends on who's asking.
- Doctor: I'm a doctor about to conduct an experimental procedure to give bones to a jellyfish, but I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested?
- Peter: [reluctantly] I don't know...
- Doctor: Interested?
- Peter: Didn't you just say that?
- Doctor: Yes.
- Peter: I'll do it!
Supergriffins
- Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
- Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
- Mayor Adam West: Oh, my...
- Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
- Mayor Adam West: I see...
- Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
- Mayor Adam West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
- Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
- Mayor Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...
[edit] When You Wish Upon a Weinstein
- Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.
- Meg: You wear glasses.
- Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
- Peter: Wait a second. Rosenblatt? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?
- Cleveland: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.
- Peter: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones, but--but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!
