CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (season 12)

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (2000–2015), usually referred to as CSI, is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Las Vegas.

73 Seconds [12.1][edit]

Morgan: (to Greg) Good to put a face with the name. You don't look like a history nerd.
Greg: Neither do you. I mean the nerd part. Not that you are a nerd or that there's anything wrong with being a nerd.
Catherine (to Nick): There are no more under-the-table deals, no more going rogue, no more personal vendettas, no more L.A.
Nick: Now, what does this have to do with L.A.? I wouldn't change anything about what I did there.
Catherine: I would! I'm not in charge anymore, because this is our problem. We lead with our hearts instead of our heads and then we justify it after the fact.
Nick: Why you so pissed off?
Catherine: I got demoted, Nick! I got demoted!

Tell-Tale Hearts [12.2][edit]

D.B.: There is no perfect crime, but if you create enough reasonable doubt, you might just have the perfect defense.

Bittersweet [12.3][edit]

Catherine (to D.B.): I know why Ecklie brought you in. Clearly, as a supervisor, I was too close to my team. I allowed one of them to walk into a house with a serial killer.
D.B.: Right. Wh-what are you saying?
Catherine: I'm saying that you can't let Sara walk through that same door. You are the supervisor now. You've gotta protect the team.

Maid Man [12.4][edit]

D.B. (to Oscar): So, this is a bullet-proof suit. Guess it comes with a lifetime guarantee?
Oscar: Yeah. You get shot and they fix it for free.
Morgan (to Nick): What do you gotta do to pull the primo cases?
Nick: Well, if you ask me, they're all primo. And hey, look at the bright side, you get to work with me.
Morgan: That's the bright side?
Nick: (laughs) Oh...

CSI Down [12.5][edit]

Morgan: I'm not saying I don't like Vegas. I'm just saying L.A. clearly owns it in a number of key categories. Vegas has no heart, no history...
Greg: No history?
D.B.: No taxes ought to quiet your complaint.
Morgan: No ocean.
Greg: All right, Morgan, I'll give you the ocean.
Morgan: And the weather and the Lakers. And the ability to walk down the street without being handed full-frontal business cards.
Greg: Okay, but if you think L.A. beats Vegas at night, you need professional help.
Morgan: Oh! You offering your services?

Freaks & Geeks [12.6][edit]

D.B.: (to Catherine about how his wife was his first and only love and experience): Yeah, somethings are simple like that.

Brain Doe [12.7][edit]

D.B.: What color is the horse? (nobody answers) Really? No, it's a famous story. A traffic accident near a ranch, right? Several cars and a horse are involved. The horse is severely injured and the officer at the scene wants to put him out of his misery with his .357. Unfortunately, the bullet ricochets off the horse's skull and hits an officer standing nearby. Kills him dead as a doornail. And when this is all reported to the chief, the only question he asks, "What color's the horse?" There were seasoned investigators all over that scene for hours, taking notes, gathering evidence, but nobody noted the color of the horse.
Nick: If you miss one small detail, then who knows what else you've missed. 'Cause you never know what's important.
D.B.: Cool story, huh?
Hodges: That is a good story.

Crime After Crime [12.8][edit]

Greg: Messy stabbing, messy scene, clean getaway. Like the killer just vanished.
Morgan: Bloody Mary.
Greg: Well, yeah, there's an empty bottle of vodka on the bed.
Morgan: No, not the drink, the ghost. You stand in front of a mirror, lights out, you say your name three times and she bursts through the glass and kills you.
Greg: Are we at a crime scene or a 7th grade sleepover?
D.B. (to Greg): Hey, how did swab-a-palooza go?
Greg: Uh, 200 party guests, all swabbed, printed and checked for spatter. All clean.
D.B.: Well, maybe you'll have more luck at your next case. I want you to restock your kit and go meet Morgan at the park motel. (Greg walks away smiling) It's a scene, not a date, you wacky kid.

Zippered [12.9][edit]

D.B.: I tell my daughter every morning; if he wears a badge he's wrong for you.
Catherine: And what if your wife's father had said the same thing?
D.B.: Actually, he did..

D.B.: Like a CB Radio on steroids.
Agent Pratt: What's a CB Radio?
D.B.: [glares]
Agent Pratt: Gotcha!

D.B.: Find anything
Hodges: Afraid not..
D.B.: OK
Hodges: no, no, no... a frayed knot.. a piece of string tied into a knot hung in the magazine and well... it was frayed.

D.B: Those are the stolen supplies you're talking about?
Agent Pratt: That's the problem we are here to fix
D.B.: How many are we talking about? Give me a number.
Agent Pratt: 144
D.B.: 144 of these!! That's not a problem, that's a war zone.

Catherine: We know he was shot in the kitchen, wrapped in a shower curtain and brought here.
Agent McQuad: Where he was shot again... and again..

Hodges: I think your wrong on that one.
Morgan: I'm sorry?
Hodges: Oh, don't be sorry, just be wrong.

Catherine: No body, no suspects, but if you're in the market for a murder weapon.. pick one

Genetic Disorder [12.10][edit]

Doc Robbins: I'm sorry for not believing you,
Judy: I'm sorry for keeping secrets, I wanted it to be a surprise.
Doc Robbins: You certainly did that.

Greg: I have the motive for murder. Queue the banjo music.

Judy: Al, we need to talk.
Doc Robbins: Judy, I need to believe in you, in us. And if we talk and I'm not convinced, it will be gone.

Hodges: I'm just saying when I play "Sexual Healing" its foreplay.
Greg: Playing it for yourself doesn't count.

Brass: You've got to prepare yourself; it's only going to get worse.
Doc Robbins: You need to prepare yourself to be wrong. You past is clouding your judgment and I expect more than that from you.

Brass: A cheating wife and her dead lover, do you see something I don't?
Greg: Yeah, a crime scene that has yet to be processed.

Ms. Willows Regrets [12.11][edit]

'Nick: (about the beetles) It's amazing. They picked it clean in less than an hour.
Greg: Yeah, they eat even faster than you.

Willows In The Wind [12.12][edit]

D.B. (to Catherine): How you doing? You all right?
Catherine: Well, considering I've been shot in my side and cauterized by a hooker's curling iron, yeah, I guess so.
Nick (to Catherine): What are you saying?
Catherine: That I've been offered another job. With the FBI. I've decided to take it.
Sara: When?
Catherine: Well, it's effective immediately. I tendered my resignation. For real this time. You are all family which is why this is the hardest decision I've ever made. I mean, how could I leave this place? How could I leave all of you? But not only are you in great hands... but you... are a rock-solid, bad-ass team of criminalists and don't ever forget it.
Nick: We all just love you, Catherine and, you know, even though you're leaving, you'll always be here with us, always.

Tresses To Kill [12.13][edit]

Hodges: You ever see that Japanese movie "The Ring" about that creepy girl who lives in a well and vomits hair?
Sara: I thought the only Japanese culture that you knew about was octopus porn.
Brass: He took her eyes. That sick bastard. Why?
D.B.: Hell with why. I want to know who.

Seeing Red [12.14][edit]

Finn (to D.B.): I want to have some ground rules.
D.B.: Okay.
Finn: All right, number one, you are not to call me Jules in front of other people. It is Finn.
D.B.: Finn.
Finn: Number two, we are never going to talk about the past.
D.B.: Sounds to me like you want to live in the moment.
Finn: And when that Zen crap starts, we need to have a safe word.
D.B.: Pick one.
Finn: Uhm. "Stop." Would that work?
D.B.: You got it.

Stealing Home [12.15][edit]

Specialist: (to Finn while she's doing the polygraph test) Do you have any criminal history?
Finn: I was married twice. Did my time.
Specialist: Have you ever had sex with an animal?
Finn: (laughs) Oh, my... really?
D.B.: Oh, God.
Specialist: Yes or no?
Finn: Well, my first ex-husband was a bit of a dog and my second, a pig. Does that count?
Finn (to D.B.): Well, I've been walking around this place the last couple days, trying to find the problem. This place is like a family. You've got the best of the best.
D.B.: That's true.
Finn: So why... why'd you bring me here?
D.B.: Best of the best can always get better.

CSI Unplugged [12.16][edit]

Finn (to D.B.): How do you do it?
D.B.: Do what?
Finn: Never lose faith.
D.B.: Some things I hide better than you do.

Trends With Benefits [12.17][edit]

D.B. (to Professor Laudner): So, Pete was in your office last night, and the two of you got into a fight.
Professor Laudner: Yeah. That's none of your business.
D.B.: You're pulling the privacy card. Wow. After you made a career out of exposing everyone else's business. That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?
Professor Laudner: (sarcastically) Guilty.

Malice in Wonderland [12.18][edit]

Ecklie (to Morgan): If you think about it, a wedding's a pretty good place to rob, huh?
Morgan: You'd be the wedding expert, I guess.
Ecklie: Your mom's a multiple offender too, you know.
Morgan: But her second one stuck.
Finn (to Ecklie & D.B.): I, uh, found some other stolen things in the ambulance, and if it's okay with you two, I'd like to return one tiny piece of evidence.
Ecklie: On what grounds?
Finn: It has sentimental value.
D.B.: I didn't know you had sentiments.
Finn: I didn't say they were mine.

Split Decisions [12.19][edit]

Nick (to Archie): Earning your money on this one, huh, Arch?
Archie: Oh, man, I am so sick of looking for this face.
Nick: Well, look at the bright side.
Archie: Oh, we still know who we're looking for. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, man, I am tired of that joke and I am getting really tired here.
Sara (to Brass): You think she's lying? You think she knew Kiel?
Brass: I think she's more than lying. I think we're looking at a modern Ma Barker here. You know, Ma Barker had four sons. Herman, Lloyd, Arthur and Fred. Masterminded her own Little Crime House on the Prairie.
Morgan: Wow. You're like a World Book of Crime.

Altered Stakes [12.20][edit]

Morgan (to Hodges): I didn't know you spoke Italian.
Hodges: Si, Italiano è la lingua dell'amore.
Morgan: Oh, I always thought the language of love was français.
Hodges: Only to the French.
Morgan: Touché.

Dune and Gloom [12.21][edit]

Nick: Live fast, die young.
David: Not me. The wife's pushing for a minivan. Bugging me about safety ratings and car seat compatibility.
Nick: So, do you have some news to share?
David: No, no, it's still hypothetical. But hypothetically, I don't want my kid's first impression of his dad to be some minivan-driving geek.
Nick: What are you worried about? Your kid's still gonna think you're the coolest guy on the planet. That is till Uncle Nicky comes over and picks him up in a GT500.
David: Thanks, man.
Nick: You're welcome.
D.B. (to Sara): Can you imagine? The whole world seems upside down to you, enemies in every shadow, never knowing for sure what's real and what's not, and then you finally meet two friends? People you have a dream in common with.
Sara: For once, you fit?
D.B.: Yeah. Like three gears, three damaged gears that are finally meshing, and they're working, they're racing, they're not just dreaming.
Sara: Until it all goes up in flames, because there really was someone lurking in the shadows.
D.B.: Crazy, isn't it?

Homecoming [12.22][edit]

Moreno (to Finn): All right, what's going on with you tonight?
Finn: It's complicated.
Moreno: Yeah? You ever think that maybe you're the one that's a little bit complicated, hmm?
Finn: You know what? It's so much hotter when you don't talk.