CSI: Miami (season 1)

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CSI: Miami (2002–2012) is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Miami. It is a spin-off of the popular series CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

Golden Parachute (1.01)[edit]

Megan: Nice thing about hair, it grows at an even rate, about a half-an-inch a month.
Speed: Gives us a nice time line.
Megan: Yeah, she'd been using antidepressants for the past year, Prozac and Zoloft. Six months ago, she smoked some pot.
Speed: And they say blondes have more fun.

Jim Tigerfish: What the hell is this?
Speed: That's a warrant to search the premises.
Jim Tigerfish: For what?
Speed: For items looted from an air-crash site. What'd you think, you were going to sell them on eBay?

Horatio: ...But that's not what brought the plane down.
Eric: No... mmm... actually, the shoe hit the fan. I found a piece of leather in the N°2 engine.
Megan: Let me guess: red suede, $450 a pair, right?

[Alexx is going over the bodies.]
Alexx: How are we doing on survivors?
Horatio: Not good. How many have you got in here?
Alexx: Four or five, depending on what pieces match.

Calleigh: Is it as bad as it looks?
Horatio: It's actually worse than it looks.

Horatio: No friction burn, right? Means no seat belt.
Eric: So he might be our shooter?
Horatio: Yes. The question then becomes: Why would you shoot your own pilot?

Horatio: Calleigh, the bullet?
Calleigh: There was no bullet.
Horatio: Well how did the pilot get shot?
Calleigh: He didn't.

NTSB guy: Oh, I've heard of you, you're the, uh, Bullet Girl, right?
Calleigh: And what does that make you, Airplane Boy?

Speed: Okay, so black boxes - understand that they're really orange.

Losing Face (1.02)[edit]

Horatio: I didn’t know they made body armour in triple extra large.
Humphries: They also make jock straps in that size, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, either!

Calleigh: He was probably taken unawares during Letterman.
Speed: Top ten ways to get your head blown off!

Calleigh: That smells good.
Eric: A little Café Cubano? (Grins) Puts some hair on your chest.
Calleigh: Don't you just say the sweetest things.

Horatio: We are still missing a component: the Action Switch isn't here.
Speed: We covered that scene on our hands and knees, we covered it all.
Horatio: [Giving Speed a serious stare] Let me say it again: it's not here!

Horatio: There are no other crime scenes in Miami today.

Horatio: The victims were decoys, he's after the Bomb Squad.

Megan: You miss it, don't you? Being on the front lines.
Horatio: The simple answer is no.
Megan: I saw you out there. Why leave something you're good at?
Horatio: You ever bet on a horse race?
Megan: Life's enough of a gamble.
Horatio: Some horses run better in a harness--and the science is my discipline.

Megan: Horatio, what are you doing?
Horatio: I'm giving Al's wife his wedding ring back.
Megan: That's evidence.
Horatio: I know that.
Megan: You can't just give it away!
Horatio: I'm not giving it away. I'm givin' it back.

Calleigh: French lace. From the window at the Moreno house. It's also used in high-end toupees. Gives a more natural look to the hair line.
Speed: Lace on a rug?
Calleigh: Mmm-hmm.
Speed: Well, shoot me if it comes to that.

Wet Foot/Dry Foot (1.03)[edit]

Coast Guard: What kind of boat are you looking for?
Speed: The kind that has blood in it!

Horatio: Speed!
Speed: Yeah!
Horatio: What does it say on the stern?
Speed: Luna Nueva. Moon New.
Eric: It's "New Moon."

Calleigh: [To Eric.] ...And no midnight tiptoe.

Calleigh: Why didn’t he just sand the number all the way down?
Speed: I dunno, maybe it’s a guy thing.
Calleigh: What, they’ll add-on or cover up but they won’t mess with the chassis?
Speed: You know what, you’re scaring me.

Eric: Like Capone’s vault… empty.
Horatio: Those are your eyes talking. Look harder.
Eric: Kind of like going to the bathroom... You can never wipe enough.

Horatio: Are you going to rebut everything I say?
Diaz: Yes.
Horatio: Excellent.

Just One Kiss (1.04)[edit]

Hamilton: You said our entire genetic make-up is in one cell... how do we escape that?
Horatio: Your family? You stop procreating.

Megan: Thin epidermis, lots of blood vessels and the sebaceous glands are separate from the hair follicles. We're talking penis-- tore off.
Speed: Ouch.
Megan: You might want to get a good hold of yourself.
Speed: Why?
Megan: Still have to chop it up; confirm it's Paul's.
Speed: Oh...


Ashes To Ashes (1.05)[edit]

Speed: The last time I was in church was when Kurt Cobain died.

Speed: What d'you got?
Eric: A car explosion, burn victim, checking for cognac used as an accelerant. Beat that?
Speed: Yeah. I got a priest shot with a rifle, dead, in a church.
Eric: Not bad.
Speed: Not bad?
Eric: Not bad.
Speed: It's at least a draw, you're not gonna beat me with a burned-out car.
Megan: Boys and their measuring sticks.

Horatio: Here is what we're gonna do. Go to this address, with a photograph of Douglas and ask Artie if he has recently sold any strawberry-scented rubber teddies.
Eric: Artie's Adult Playground?
Horatio: You know Artie?
Eric: Do you know Artie?
Horatio: Just go to the address, Eric.

Megan: Who would want to kill a priest?
Horatio: Nowadays...anyone.

Horatio: [To Jeffrey Douglas] Before you go...I wanted to...show you...a photograph. Take a look at that. Do you know who that is? That's your daughter. This is what she would have looked like on her second birthday, had you not killed her and her mother. Know this, my friend. Every year on this child's birthday, I am going to haunt you. I am going to be all over you till I get what I need to put you in jail. Understand? [Douglas stares at Horatio and says nothing] Do you understand what I'm saying?

Horatio: Okay, I can tell you that this was done with an excimer laser and its inscription point was no more than three microns in diameter.
Eric: [Chuckles.] Okay, how do you know that, though? Were you a jewel thief in another life or what?
Horatio: Well, in another life, I incarcerated many a jewel thief.

Delko: What is it?
Horatio: More importantly, what was it?

Broken (1.06)[edit]

Law Student: Excuse me.
Speed: Yeah, can I help you?
Law Student: Look, I'm a third-year law student from U. of M.
Speed: Congratulations.
Law Student: And I know that it's illegal for you guys to keep us here.
Eric: You know what? You're right, actually, but as a human being, I think you have an obligation to cooperate like everyone else. So why don't you get back in line for me, okay? Thank you.

[About the playground for children the murder occurred at.]
Horatio: This place is a buffet for these creeps.

[To an impatient man about him being allowed to leave the scene]
Speed: No, no, you can't. You know why? Because now you're a suspect, so go ahead and get comfortable. Legally. [Man walks away] (To himself) Jackass.

Calleigh: That's our last lifter!
Horatio: (impatiently) There are more in the van!
Calliegh: (shuffling on her knees to look at the print) Now that's juciy!
Horatio: Yes it is!

Horatio: (softly as not to startle her) Calleigh?
Calleigh: (wakes up suddenly) Oh My God I'm so sorry! I closed my eyes for just a second!
Horatio: (smiles) Don't worry about it! You're a morning person!
Calleigh: (panicking about looking weak in front of her boss) Horatio, I don't know what happened!
Horatio: You're fine!

Horatio: What do you want in your coffee?
Calleigh: (looks away from him blushing) Sugar!
Horatio: (laughs from down the hall)
Calleigh: She's talking to someone but whoever it is stayed off camera! Where are you?
Horatio: I'm walking past the bowling display where the toys are mounted onto the wall!
Calleigh: Ok, I don't see you! Hello, Handsome! I see your hand!
Horatio: How far was she from the wall?
Calleigh: About three feet!
Calleigh: What about the guy in the Acapulco t-shirt? He give prints?
Eric: No but do you think we can arrest him based on the fact that it's a little too creepy to be in one of these places without a kid?
Calleigh: Do you have any ridge builder lotion?
Eric: In my kit.
Calleigh: Can you hold my shoe prints?
Eric: Yeah!
Calleigh: (takes her hair down then puts ridge builder lotion over her hands) Hi, I'm Calleigh Dusquene!
Bob Repin: Bo Repkin!
Calleigh: Your last name is Repkin?
Bob Repkin: Yeah!
Eric: (claps as she passes him her clip board)
Calleigh: There you go!
Eric: Thank you!
Calleigh: Can you take my shoe prints pack to the lab?
Eric: Yes!

Breathless (1.07)[edit]

Speed: Hey, Megan, did you miss me?
Eric: She actually forgot your name.

Calleigh: Do you believe her story?
Horatio: I don't know... I guess that depends on how you like seeing men dress up in your underwear.
Calleigh: Personally, leather chaps, nothing else. [Pauses, looks at Horatio's expression] That was a joke.
Horatio: I know.

Eric: So we have a murder weapon and a suspect. What have you got?
Speed: [Holding up a pair of large purple panties.] I have a murder weapon of a different sort.

Alexx: Nicotine was introduced through the penile tissue... Gives a whole new meaning to the term "Members only."


Slaughterhouse (1.08)[edit]

Horatio: Your average adult has been clocked at two-and-a-half to three miles per hour, but to my knowledge, no toddler has ever been road-tested.

Tim: You know, my parents always wanted me gone but at least they stopped short of taking me out.
Delko: How short? Just short or miles away?

Horatio: You used boiled noodles.
Calleigh: For brain spatter it’s either that or oysters.

Kill Zone (1.09)[edit]

Horatio: So what do you get when a six-foot-tall man lays down with a three-foot-long rifle?
Calleigh: Hot flashes... but that's just me.

Horatio: Nice work. Have you considered a transfer to SWAT?
Calleigh: I don't look good in all black.
Horatio: I beg to differ.

Horatio: Boom. Boom. Boom. And that's called the Kill Zone.
Calleigh: No messing around, just clean and deadly.

Sniper: Don't you wanna know why?
Horatio: You just killed four innocent people. You're evil. You enjoy death. I hope you enjoy your own.

A Horrible Mind (1.10)[edit]

Speed: Why anyone needs to prove that evil exists is beyond me.

Teresa: Had I known that it was all a test, that he never meant the things he said, I would never have snapped…but I’m glad he’s dead.
Horatio: After 6 hours of torture, I’ll bet he is, too.

Camp Fear (1.11)[edit]

Horatio: A present for you, from Alexx.
Calleigh: Nasal mucus. And it isn't even my birthday.

Calleigh: Leech saliva...
Alexx: Medical marvel, you know. It contains enzymes that expand your blood vessels.
Calleigh: Kind of like Viagra...
Alexx: Well, not quite. Unlike Viagra, it contains a mild anesthetic so you don't feel the bite...

Entrance Wound (1.12)[edit]

Calleigh: You know, it's bad enough when you're in that awkward stage between boy and cold-blooded killer, but it's even worse when Grandma's kiss links you to the scene!

Eric: The average person's reaction time from sensation, perception through response is 1.5 seconds.
Calleigh: How do you know that?
Delko: Auto insurance studies.

Horatio: Let me ask you a question. How many things do you think we'll overlook in a career?
Speed: You? Less than anyone I know. Me? Fewer because of it.

Bunk (1.13)[edit]

Old Guy (Mr. Reins): Betty and I had a very healthy sexual relationship. She was not afraid to try new things.
Calleigh: ...Back to the question, Mr. Reins.

Calleigh: And those guys gave up their clothes way too easily...
Eric: Yeah, that's never good...

Speed: Crisis averted.
Horatio: Tell that to his widow.

Alexx: 93 degrees-- puts her time of death at about 2AM.
Calleigh: Blood pools indicate time of attack was earlier.
Alexx: Your job, honey. Mine begins with death.

Speed: But didn't we already do that with the print in the glove?
Horatio: Yes, we did. But like my old man says: "You don't have a backup, you don't have a plan."
Speed: Smart guy.


Forced Entry (1.14)[edit]

Detective Bernstein: No signs of forced entry.
Horatio Caine: Oh...I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Dead Woman Walking (1.15)[edit]

Eric: I heard radioactivity can cause temporary infertility.
Speed: So, you and your girlfriend are temporarily in luck...
Eric: Yeah, or permanently screwed!

Belle King: Did you know Horatio was the first CSI?
Horatio: He was... the what?
Belle King: In Hamlet. When Hamlet was poisoned and dying, he asked his best friend Horatio to tell the world who murdered him.


Evidence Of Things Unseen (1.16)[edit]

Horatio: I've one more question for you. Do you have a life insurance policy on your wife?
Suspect: Are you kidding? I don't even have health insurance.

Horatio: You see, I think if we connect these two cases, we'll have a shot at probable cause.
Tripp: The probable cause is that she's a stripper, she's a junkie, and she's a whore.
Horatio: She's also a human being.
Tripp: And now she's a corpse.

Horatio: The husband is dead... the wife is dead...
Tripp: The Russian's dead.
Horatio: Yes. Let's go talk to the other Russian, the cousin, before he chokes on a Twizzler.


Simple Man (1.17)[edit]

Hagen: [About Horatio] I'm just saying, it's a hell of a lonely road he's walking.
Calleigh: Well, that's why I'm walking it with him.

Calleigh: [Walking into the Gun Vault, with a sigh.] Be still, my heart.


Dispo Day (1.18)[edit]

Horatio: How do you feel?
Calleigh: Like a hummingbird on six cups of coffee.

Horatio: This cocaine did not come from Haiti.
Speed: Not unless Haiti is in the middle of our crime lab.

Horatio: [About the polygraph test.] They ask about your girlfriend?
Eric: H, you know I don't have a girlfriend.
Horatio: No girlfriend this week?

Eric: The car is stolen.
Calleigh: Based on?
Eric: Based on the screwdriver in the ignition.

Horatio: Hey, Jack. You miss being a real cop?
Jack Seeger: You're just full of 'em today, aren't you?
Horatio: You have no idea.

Calleigh: So, you gonna shave before you go to IAB?
Speedle: It's a polygraph test, not a portrait.

Paul Tomassi: [Watching Delko smash expensive tile.] Do you have any idea how much one of those costs?
Horatio: About half as much as two.

Reporter Enrique Rayas: You're the investigator in the dispo case that resulted in two tragic deaths. You mind if I ask you a few questions for our viewers?
Tripp: Yeah.

Tripp: Saw your friend out front. Guy thinks he's Tom Brokaw.
Horatio: If he's Tom Brokaw, I'm Elliot Ness.

Jack Seeger: Duquesne, you're up.
Calleigh: I've got one more knock-and-talk and then I'm all yours.
Jack Seeger: Don't make me call Lieutenant Caine.
Calleigh: I wouldn't make my Lieutenant take a call from you.

Double Cap (1.19)[edit]

Eric: Hey, there's no way you're getting out of processing this hotel room with me.
Speed: Why would I try to do that? I love hotel rooms. Body fluids everywhere.

Speed: Got some porn here...
Eric: Get out of here. A girl that hot? Guy had to be a Viagra case.
Speed: So the suspect is probably over forty.

Calleigh: Sometimes it's difficult to have family.
Horatio: Sometimes it's more difficult not to.

Jimmy Fukes: You're not going to be able to prove a thing.
Horatio Caine: That is a very dumb thing to say to a CSI.

Grave Young Men (1.20)[edit]

Horatio: It's not important what people say about us. It's only important what we know to be true about ourselves.

Allison: People get smothered by pillows...accidentally.

Allison: Yes, I pressed the pillow against his face. No, I didn't kill him. He did, however, have an orgasm.


Spring Break (1.21)[edit]

Calleigh: [Flashing her badge] Is this hot enough for you or do you want to see my weapons permit?

[Speed is processing a crime scene at the beach]]

Speed: Sir, can you read the yellow tape there? It says 'Crime Scene.'
Ted: Hey, I got a permit to be here.
Speed: Ohhhhh, you've got a permit!
Ted: Yeah, that's right. From Parks and Rec.
Speed: [Getting out cellphone] Well, I'm going to let you tell that to the parents of the girl who got murdered here last night.
Ted: Woah, wait a minute--
Speed: I'm going to let you tell them that we can't process this crime scene because you have a permit for a party.
Ted: You misunderstood me.
Speed: Then I'm going to arrest your cheap, tequila-pushing ass, and have you spend the night in lockup, with all the drunk-and-disorderlies, and you can smell the vomit of the fraternity boys.
Ted: You know what, man, maybe I should just ah, wait, until you're finished.
Speed: That's a capital idea, Ted.

[Eric and Calleigh at hotel; Eric has just pulled out a victim]

Eric: Cute girls.
Calleigh: Yeah, they thought you were cute, too.
Eric: Yeah, What did they say?
Calleigh: They wanted to know if you had a younger brother.

Horatio: Jon, this guy stinks.
Dr. Jon Grizel: Well, maybe, Horatio - but the courts only care how the evidence smells.

Tinder Box (1.22)[edit]

Quentin Haid: The club was grandfathered in--built pre-code.
Horatio Caine: Yeah, I bet you those chained exit doors were grandfathered in, too, huh?
Quentin Haid: What'd you expect me to do? People were sneaking in.
Horatio Caine: And dying to get out.


Freaks And Tweaks (1.23)[edit]

Eric: Two disposable cameras. More pictures…
Speed: More porn!
Eric: I won't be taking this to one-hour photo!

Calleigh: Aren't you supposed to be off this case?
Alexx: Joan's got the report. Can't help it if I can read upside-down.

Alexx: You're not even going to ask me why she slipped Dennis eye drops?
Calleigh: I'm a lawyer's daughter. I don't ask a question I have the answer to.

Horatio: [To the tweakers.] Everybody take their left hand and stick it out, please. Left hand.
Tripp: [To one of the tweakers.] Your other left hand, Scruffy.


Body Count (1.24)[edit]

Hank Kerner: This ain't over, bitch. I'll be seeing you.
Calleigh: Well, you know what the thing is, Hank, it doesn't really matter if you do, because even if you get rid of me, someone will step in my place, and if you silence me, the evidence has its own voice and it keeps saying over and over, "you." You and your bullets. You know what, and by the way, where you're going, I think you're going to be the bitch.

Hagen: You know Hank Kerner, our fugitive.
Calleigh: Yeah. We've been through two hung juries together, it's not like we're picking out china.

Calleigh: [As she holds a gun to Hank Kerner's head, just like he's done to all his victims] How does it feel?

Hagen: Will you stay with Speedle tonight? Or Delko?
Calleigh: Actually, I'm gonna stay here.
Hagen: Then I'm gonna stay with you.
Calleigh: OK. So long as we're clear you're doing it for you and not for me.
Hagen: Crystal-clear.

Stewart Otis: I will get out. It's my nature.
Horatio: And I'll be waiting. That's my nature.

Speed: One man's family album is another man's porn.

Speed: Where were you? I called you three times.
Eric: Had my phone on vibrate, I was, uh...a little busy.
Speed: Yeah?
Eric: Didn't want to be interrupted.
Speed: Busy with the left hand?
Eric: Funny.

Speed: One minute, you're running the world, and the next, you're in a six-by-six.