CSI: Miami (season 2)

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CSI: Miami (2002–2012) is a dramatic television series about the Forensics Crime Lab in Miami. It is a spin-off of the popular series CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

Blood Brothers (2.01)

Eric (To Speed, holding a dead rat): Hey! Check this out. How did that get from your apartment to there is what I want to know...

Speed: Yeah, that's funny.

Clavo Cruz: You're not gonna catch me floating around in international waters, Caine!

Horatio: But you know what? I'm gonna catch you doing something...

Clavo Cruz: You're threatening me, Caine?

Horatio: That's not a threat. That's a guarantee!

Dead Zone (2.02)

Speed: Are you a religious man?

Horatio: After a fashion.

Hard Time (2.03)

Eric: The Emergency Room is not the Medical Examiner!

Speed: You got Tourette's or something, man?

Calleigh: And the dead girl wasn't dead

Death Grip (2.04)

Horatio: I'm the fiber king, so what are you going to do?.

[Calleigh and Speed are watching a "hot" video tape, strictly for business purposes.]

Speed: Well, that's different.

Calleigh: Someone's been doing yoga.

Co-worker: You guys have a stapler?

Calleigh: No, but you are the third one to ask in the last 10 minutes. Do you want us to burn you a copy?

Jake Grant, a journalist: It's a list of names...

Horatio: Yes. In the last 12 months, Jake, 7 Hispanic girls and 5 black girls disappeared right here in Miami and not one of them made it to the front page.

Jake Grant: What's your point?

Horatio: What's my point? Make it your next story!

Calleigh: So I guess the kidnapper was driving a red sports car. It's not exactly subtle...

Speed: Neither is murder.

Eric: If you want any real attention in this world, you've got to have blond hair and blue eyes... no offense.

Calleigh: None taken, my eyes are green.

[Horatio walks out on Calleigh, without saying anything, after coming to a conclusion.]

Calleigh: Okay! Bye! Keep me posted!

The Best Defense (2.05)

Speed: Club where people come when the door guy turns you down everywhere else.

Eric: So this is your hangout, Speed.

Speed: You know, did you ever think about taking up stand-up comedy or something like that? Because you're really very funny.

Calleigh: Angelo's got nice taste in cars.

Speed: Hard to go wrong when you spend 80 grand.

Eric: According to the vic, this cowboy came through the front door, guns blazing.

Speed: I wonder if he tied up his horse.

Hagen: You know she stabbed him eight times?

Eric: Yeah, you've told me that eight times.

Hurricane Anthony (2.06)

Calleigh: Yeah, but you know, I was thinking. If he hadn't have stolen from the mob, then he never would have become a beach bum in Florida, and then he never would have got picked up by the hurricane. Then if he hadn't got picked up by the hurricane, he would have never hit Burton's car, and if it wasn't for hitting Burton's car, Burton would have gotten away with murder.

Eric: [smiling] Leave it to you, Calleigh, to find something good to come out of a hurricane.

Calleigh: [smiling] They do alleviate global warming.

Speed: [to Eric] She's way too cheerful.

Speed: [Carrying two heavy boxes.] You were supposed to meet me at the truck...

Eric: I figured you could use the exercise. It's good for you.

Speed: Thank you.

Speed: Well, assumption is the mother of disaster...

Delko: Got a category-2 hurricane and we get sent out to a traffic incident. What's up with Dispatch?

Speed: They're slammed with thousands of calls, so we take them one at a time till order's been restored.

Delko: I'd hate to see what a category-4 looks like.

Speed: So would Dispatch.

Horatio: So, God exhales and everything goes sideways, huh?

Horatio: ... We also found blood inside your car.

Suspect: [pause] You found blood?

Horatio: Yeah. Your blood. So either you're a hemophiliac - which I doubt - or you were up to no good on Hurricane Day.

Grand Prix (2.07)

Ernest Mansfield: [To Horatio.] What are you, a shoe salesman? Shoo, you're boring me!

John Leary: Like I said, accidents happen.

Horatio: That's quite true, but so... so does murder.

[Eric and Speed are searching for evidence]'

Eric Delko CART scrutineers hand out the pop-up valves...

Tim Speedle [cutting him off] What'd you say?

Eric Delko Scrutineers. That's what CART calls their tech inspectors.

Tim Speedle Well, they might, you shouldn't.

Big Brother (2.08)

Horatio: Killer just made his second mistake.

Yelina: What was his first?

Horatio: His first mistake was murder.

Horatio: [To Bob Keaton] The next time you want to take a swing at someone, start with me.

Horatio: You know what that is, Susie?

Susie: An antenna?

Horatio: That...is a gun barrel.

Bait (2.09)

Horatio: [To Eric about helping Frank] In the future, if you're gonna watch somebody's back, let me know about it so I can watch yours.

Alexx: An unplanned child.

Horatio: The child may have been unplanned, Alexx...but the murder wasn't.

Speed: I don't know, dude, but it uh, sounds like motive!

Suspect: She took my job away, took my family. That bitch left me with nothing!

Horatio: She left you with a motive to kill her.

Calleigh: I heard about our shark girl. Is this her?

Alexx: Shot, then eaten. That's a bad day in anyone's book, honey.

Calleigh: She was pretty.

Speed: Pretty girl with an ugly job.

Bruno Gomes: I just set the table, okay? They decide to eat and guess what: that's not my problem!

Speed: Well, guess what? You got a dead girl on your hands, so it is your problem!

Horatio: Alexx, was she bleeding before the attack?

Alexx: Let's see. [She pulls back the dead woman's clothing.] She was bleeding all right. Entrance wound, shot at close range. The shark must have finished what someone else started.

Horatio: So we have a different kind of shark. [He pauses, stands up, and places on his sunglasses.] The human kind.

Extreme (2.10)

Horatio: You say she married for love?

Calleigh: I know. Wonders never cease.

Speed: She looked him right in the eyes while he was killing her.

Horatio: And he looked back.

[About different types of acrylic nails.]

Speed: All right, I should have known that.

Calleigh: Well, I would be scared if you did.

Rhonda Weber: ...Adrenaline is the purest rush there is. That's what I give people.

Speed: You gave Nikki Wilcox a toe tag.

Alexx: Unreasonable acts are all I see.

Horatio: Amen to that.

Speed: So, who was supposed to rescue her?

Rhonda Weber: Her boyfriend, Tommy. The kidnapping was his gift to her.

Yelina: How thoughtful.

Horatio: But, Eric, as a rule of thumb, off-duty relationships, no matter how well intended, can be seen as a conflict of interest in court. You understand?

Eric: Yeah. But uh...how do you suggest I walk that line?

Horatio: Carefully.

Complications (2.11)

Alexx: He was strangled, then dangled.

Calleigh: Are you tied up?

Eric: Very cute.

Eric: [To Valera, about plastic surgery] Speed had this girlfriend a while back and she looked like she stood in a wind tunnel.

Doctor: You've never made a mistake, Lieutenant?

Horatio: Not one I was forced to bury.

Alexx: [Explaining to Calleigh how their vic got an adrenaline shot.] Uma Thurman, "Pulp Fiction."

Process Server: [Bringing a civil suit for the dead doctor, rings the bell] Dr. Carlos Garza?

Speed: He doesn't live here anymore.

Process Server: Where does he live?

Speed: He doesn't.

Horatio: You give somebody enough rope, they might hang themselves.

Witness To Murder (2.12)

Pete Tolson: Hey, I did that guy a favor! He was a retard!

Horatio: Okay, Eugene might have a few things to overcome, I'll give you that, but you know what, Pete? You know what? At the end of the day, he just put you away for life.

Alexx: Please don't tell me we just gave a body away to a complete stranger.

Speed: Alexx, we just gave the...

Alexx: Timmy, I know.

Calleigh: People might play nicer with a fender bender if they knew 3 out 10 people stash a gun in their car.

Alexx: Is that true?

Calleigh: Yeah.

Alexx: Then I'll think a little harder next time before I flip someone the bird.

Blood Moon (2.13)

Calleigh: What is that? Some kind of lotion?

Speed: Looks like skin moisturizer.

Calleigh: Great! Well that narrows it down to everyone in the state of Florida, plus the tourists.

Slow Burn (2.14)

Horatio: [To a suspect] Dale. Dale? Are you a sexual predator?

Horatio: Dale, the problem with sexual predators is that they don't get satisfied by the kill, they get turned on by it.

Eric: Pattern marks on the stock, don't know how I could have missed them.

Calleigh: I know, your eyes were cooked.

[Eric's eyes hurt after surviving a flash fire.]

Tripp: Eric, worst thing you can do is rub it.

Eric: Yeah, I know, Frank. You know, when you get caught in a flash over, then tell me that.

[After surviving a flash fire.]

Alexx: Thought I was going to end up wearing a toe-tag on my own table.

Alexx: Yeah, you ranger boys love scaring us SoBe people, don't you?

Eric: Everybody's a comedian!

Horatio: So you're saying that you left her alone, running for her life?

Dale Stahl: Yeah.

Horatio: And they say that chivalry is dead.

Stalkerazzi (2.15)

[Horatio has just cracked the case.]

Danny Cato (a movie star): I'm still one big hurdle ahead of you.

Horatio: What would that be?

Danny Cato: The jury. I'm a star, kimosabe, I can convince 12 people of anything.

Horatio: You haven't convinced me, my friend, and that's not a good start.

Speed: How about a little time sitting in a jail cell? Might refresh your memory.

Patrol Officer: Celebrity's part of the job, that's the difference between a patrol officer and a glorified trash collector.

Horatio: Is it part of your job tampering with a crime scene?

Horatio: What else did you take?

Patrol Officer: I took a hat, but that's it.

Horatio: I need that hat.

[The patrol officer hands Horatio the hat, it has some blood stains.]

Patrol Officer: Hey, it's just a hat.

Horatio: And that's why you're just a patrol cop.

Magazine Editor: Murders sell magazines, Officer. Celebrity murders sell millions of magazines.

Speed: Now why would anyone steal pictures of action hero Brad and a girl? You think the girl's married?

Calleigh: I think it's something else...look at the legs; they're long and muscled.

Speed: So she's a swimmer.

Calleigh: Not for the girls' team, she isn't.

Officer: The guy who called this in?

Horatio: Yep. Our Good Samaritan just became a murderer.

Calleigh: [Holding a plastic bottle full of urine.] Okay, I'm going to give you two guesses what this is. And it's not Mountain Dew.

Invasion (2.16)

Horatio: That's an interesting shovel you have there, did you do some digging lately?

Steve: I planted a tree, Detective.

Horatio: Did you use a dead body as fertilizer, Steve?

Eric: You'd be surprised how many criminals stop to pick up their supplies on their way to the crimes.

Calleigh: And we're very good at giving testimony.

Horatio: So Joe, two words: Murder...One.

Eric: So that means you have his name and address?

Clerk: In the system...

[Long pause.]

Eric: Well, could you show it to me...please?

Money For Nothing (2.17)

Calleigh: Well, when we get close to tool marks and ink processing, I'll call you.

Peter Elliott: If you don't, you'll be hearing from my boss down at the Homeland Security Office.

Calleigh: Well. I've got goosebumps.

[A robber is about to draw a gun on Horatio.]

Horatio: Don't do it! Don't do it!

[The robber draws the gun, and Horatio shoots him.]

Horatio: They never listen.

[Calleigh and Speed are trying to find a counterfeiter's hideout.]

Calleigh: Didn't you use to date a girl at the Department of Water and Power?

Speed: I did, a long time ago, she hates me, why?

Calleigh: Well, it's just that it takes an awful lot of juice to run an offset printer, and the electrical bill of our counterfeit house would be...spiking...It's not that tough to ask...even if she hates you.

Suspect: Hey! So what happens to me?

Horatio: 20 years to life.

Suspect: 20 years for stealing counterfeit cash? The money isn't even real.

Horatio: Killing somebody was.

Speed: This is all he left behind. [Points to a machine gun.]

Horatio: Because his hands were filled with 3.2 million dollars.

Speed: So why would a guy who just robbed an armored truck be parked like a sitting duck?

Horatio: Maybe because I put two in his gas tank.

Suzie: Horatio...I told you, just because I slept with your brother, does not make us your problem.

Horatio: No, but it makes you my family.

Horatio: Paul, in my business, I don't have that luxury of believing anyone.

Yelina: It’s funny what people will do and think we’ll never figure it out.

Wannabe (2.18)

Alexx: His name is Avi Golan, Israeli citizen and look what's listed under occupation.

Horatio: "Import/Export," how organized crime.

Horatio: I'm going to get some love from the Feds, they owe me a favor.

Alexx: Brutal murder, broad daylight, in the middle of the Grove, thought I'd seen it all.

Horatio: Doesn't make sense if we're dealing with an amateur... [Stands and puts on sunglasses.] But we are looking for a pro.

Wally Shmagin: Be careful with that!

Officer Everhart: Is that really Lizzy Borden's axe?

Wally Shmagin: That's right. Cost me fifteen grand.

Speed: Well, you should get your money back, because the real axe doesn't have a handle on it. It's on display in Fall River, Massachusetts.

Carrie Delgado: Tim! Tell me you're kidding. Fifty blood stains?

Speed: Sorry. The next time, I'll ask the victim to die in one spot.

Speed: I mean, that's like having brush guards on your SUV.

Officer Everhart: I have brush guards on my SUV.

Speed: And how many times have you gone off-road? Exactly. It's for appearance.

Deadline (2.19)

Horatio: Speed.

Speed: These mints were curiously strong, they have the same chemical makeup as the residues from the baggies at the scene... opioid analgesic.

Horatio: Painkillers? What about a brand?

Speed: Oxycodin, it's hillbilly heroin.

Horatio: Revelations on Mike Griffith, Alexx.

Alexx: Yeah, the human body wasn't made to withstand bullets.

Horatio: You know, Josh, the truth...has this funny, mysterious way of finding daylight... Book him!

Horatio: You know, Alexx, there is nothing and then there is nothing! I'm gonna get this to trace!

The Oath (2.20)

Horatio: [To Stetler.] You're ahead of the curve. That's sexy.

[Horatio inquires about a prostitute witness.]

Horatio: What's her name?

Gary: Like they give you the real one.

Speed: We'll take a fake one and a location.

Speed: Somebody left DNA?

Valera: 3 "Somebodies."

Speed: You're kidding me.

Valera: First donor was female: saliva, she's a gum chewer.

Speed: Are there any CODIS hits?

Valera: Nada!

Speed: Right, how about the other two "somebodies"?

Valera: Not saliva, not female.

Speed: I guess we weren't the only one who got lucky.

Valera: You shouldn't say that, male sample got trapped inside the gum, I'm guessing she chewed it... mmm after.

Speed: Right, she's living dangerously.

Horatio: Wow!

Yelina: Me and Stetler huh?

Horatio: When did that happen?

Yelina: He asked me out, I said yes, that's usually how it works.

Calleigh: Do you know her friend's name?

Fred Rutter: Uhh, Maria, Maria something, they're always jabbering in Spanish.

Calleigh: A woman named Maria in Miami... That narrows it down!

[A police officer is gunned down.]

Horatio: Let's call in all shifts. If they hit one of us, they hit us all.

Not Landing (2.21)

Speed: You need some help?

Alexx: Nah. I could undress a dead man in my sleep.

Speed: Leaving that one alone.

Horatio: He took your idea, and then you took his life.

Heddy: You can't prove that.

Horatio: A word to the wise: this is where you deny the accusation.

Heddy: Am I under arrest?

Horatio: Mmm... not yet.

[Eric is going over a "peeping Tom's" videos.]

Calleigh: Reality TV, can I watch?

Eric: Yeah, have a seat.

Calleigh: Tell me when I have to look away.

Eric: That's the thing, you never have to.

Calleigh: What are you telling me?

Eric: That Jeff Lathan should probably see a doctor about the little blue pill.

Calleigh: Oh! That explains why he didn't want us to watch the tape.

Speed: Do you realize that you blew up your own cell phone, by putting explosives in it?

Aaron: Yeah, in the battery compartment.

Speed: So what are you, crazy?

Aaron: Hey look some guys like to keep alcohol in their cars, video games... I like to go to the Everglades, blow things up... it's a sport.

[Alexx survived a booby trap bomb.]

Speed: Figured you'd take a sick day.

Alexx: A little excitement doesn't mean life stops... or death.

Eric: Looks like the autopilot was engaged.

NTSB Tech: Plane flies itself until it's told otherwise.

Calleigh: Why did it stop flying?

NTSB Tech: Could have flown into a rain cloud, wings could have iced up.

Eric: Ice changes the shape of the wing, disrupts the airflow.

Calleigh: That's ironic: who could've guessed that ice could kill you in Miami.

NTSB Tech: A good pilot could've regained control before it hit the beach.

Eric: Yeah, not a dead one.

[Eric inspects the plane wreckage.]

Eric: I've got a scrape here.

Speed: Yeah, you're going to have a few scrapes, the plane crashed.

Horatio: I think this one has been helped along.

Yelina: You mean sabotage?

Horatio: Nope, I mean murder.

Rap Sheet (2.22)

Speed: If Veronica's so innocent, why did she try to dump the body?

Eric: If the evidence is equivocal, we've got to go with the only witness.

Speed: Yeah, the other one's dead, that helps.

Speed: Amnesia, huh? That's pretty convenient...maybe she's got an evil twin we can interrogate.

Eric: Look, she has a concussion, memory loss is common.

Speed: It'll all come back to her once she gets an attorney.

[Frank and Calleigh reenact a concert shooting.]

Calleigh: Can you be my bodyguard?

Tripp: Only if I can call you Whitney.

10-Large: [checking Calleigh out.] Damn! Nice cake!

Calleigh: Oh!...Charming!

[One of the bodies in a morgue freezer comes back to life.]

Alexx: It's Alexx, are there any Rescue Units in the building? I need a crew in the autopsy theater immediately, I've got a live one.

Thugg-G: Yeah, you know, I did some major dirt back in the day, but it's in the past, you know, I did my time.

Horatio: And you're about to do some more.

Tripp: I'm pretty sure you're aware "10-Large" has a restraining order against you, Mr. G, and you violated it.

Horatio: Welcome home.

[Speed and Eric discuss a rap magazine.]

Eric: ...Yeah, but he's just talking trash; in the business, it's all about the streets.

Speed: Right, you've got to keep your pimp hand strong.

[Speed and Eric are collecting the crowd's cell phones.]

Crowd Girl: Don't you need a warrant or something?

Speed: Yeah, if you want it locked in evidence for 3 years.

Eric: Or you can just give it to us for 3 hours, your choice.

[The girls hands over her phone.]

Crowd Girl: OK, but what am I supposed to do for 3 hours?

Speed: I don't know, stop talking?

Horatio: I notice there's, hmmm... blood on your jacket.

Bodyguard: It's a busy afternoon.

Tripp: Yeah, your client got shot, nice work.

Horatio: Is Mr. Large talking?

Tripp: Not to the cops.

Horatio: OK, but the press is fine.

Tripp: Yeah, no doubt this little incident will push his release to number one.

Horatio: Yes, number one... with a bullet.

Horatio: Dispatch said there were two victims...

Alexx: More, if you count the guy's ego.

Horatio: Craig, fingerprints are like old habits... they die hard!

MIA/NYC NonStop (2.23)

Alexx: The guy's a monster. Or he doesn't know his own strength.

Horatio: Well, he's about...to know ours.

Horatio: Trail ends here... I want first bite at prosecution, as you know, Florida has the death penalty.

Mac: So does New York.

Horatio: Yes, but you haven't executed...since '76.

Mac: Politics.

Horatio: My name is Caine, Miami, CSI, I'm investigating a double-murder case.

Mac: Detective Mac Taylor, Crime Scene Unit, First Grade, I'm listening.

Mac: She's reason enough a guy'd want Dad outta the way.

Horatio: And that is motive. In any state.

Stella: Davey Penrod, how'd she get that?

Mac: It's New York. You think and it's news.

Stella: Okay, fire code says there is a backdoor here, I can't seem to find it.

Doorman: [Turning and pointing.] Uh yeah...it's hidden.

Stella: [Smiling] Why don't you try unhiding it?

Horatio: Mac, I have a 16-year-old girl who is suddenly without parents. I have promised her peace of mind.

Mac: I've got an officer's widow who'd like some answers. You got a deal.

Speed: Call New York Homicide. They'll pick him up.

Horatio: New York Homicide didn't make a promise to Laura Spelman.

Innocent (2.24)

Suspect Lawyer: Don't you just hate it when the truth doesn't suit you?

Horatio: Not yet it doesn't...Not yet.

[Calleigh and Speed go through a pornstar's apartment.]

Speed: She's got to have her own aisle at the video store.

Calleigh: You know, Valera said she's famous.

Speed: Well, Valera would know.

[Horatio interrogates an adult film company owner.]

Jeffers' Lawyer: My client is a prominent businessman with strong ties to the community, he has a family and 3 little girls.

Horatio: Will they be appearing in your films, Mr. Jeffers, when they grow up? Just out of curiosity.

Yelina: Ashley attended your party at this very office last night, she had champagne, ate caviar... And got strangled.

Eric: Thing is, a lot of people knew Ashley Anders, she had one of the top selling DVD's of the adult market. [Alexx gives Eric a look.] ...I've heard.

Patrol Officer: Yeah, she's a porn star.

Horatio: She is also someone's daughter...and that is what we'll focus on.

[Calleigh and Valera talk about the victim, who is a porn star.]

Valera: Have you seen Ashley Anders' movies?

Calleigh: Me? Where do I see them?

Valera: Oh, clubs, parties.... You know, out.

Calleigh: No, I don't think you and I are going to the same places, Valera.

Valera: Porn's the new Martini, no one's hiding their vices anymore.

Stetler: I suppose I owe you an apology.

Horatio (to Stetler): The man you owe an apology to... [Whispers.] ...just left the room.

Speed: [To men harassing Cookie Devine.] Hey, why don't you guys take a walk.

1st Guy: What are you, her boyfriend? Lucky man.

2nd Guy: Yeh, buddy, hey, hey. How about you let us tap some of that... ha ha ha.

Speed: I'm serious. Get out o' here.

1st Guy: Why don't I kick your ass instead?

Speed: [Showing his gun and badge] How about I arrest you? For harassing this young lady. And interfering with a murder investigation. How about that?

1st Guy: No problem. We didn't mean anything, sir.

2nd Guy: Sorry, Officer.

Speed: Get lost.

Cookie Devine: Can I have your job? I got into the wrong business.

Stetler: Congratulations, you bagged the porn king, his lawyer and the killer, it's not a bad week's work.

Horatio: I guess it's not good for you, Rick, unless you've arrested any police officers.

Stetler: It isn't my job to be liked.

Horatio: Mission accomplished.