Deadpool (film)

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Deadpool is a black comedy superhero 2016 film based on the comic book series of the same name. After a horrible incident that scarred his physical appearance and granted him an accelerated healing factor, fast-talking mercenary Wade Wilson hunts the man responsible for his transformation.

Directed by Tim Miller. Screenplay by Rhett Reese and Paul Bernick.

Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool[edit]

  • [while singing along to Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa, he notices the camera] What–oh! Oh hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Pulverine." And let me tell you, [In an Australian accent] he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. [normally] Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and–oh! Bad guys to kill!
  • [to Vanessa, who is grabbing the testicles of a man who made a pass at her] Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas.
  • Maximum effort!
  • [in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?
  • [after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
  • [losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! Fuck! 8! Shit-fuck!
  • You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns.
  • [Tries to shoot a motorcycle-riding goon, and fails] Bad Deadpool. [casually] 7. [shoots a wounded goon dead] Good Deadpool.
  • A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's, like, sixteen walls!
  • [Walks by Blind Al and farts] Hashtag, "#driveby."
  • And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!
  • [to Vanessa] Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair" shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me.
  • I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
  • [before a montage where he asks Ajax's henchpeople where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!
  • You're about to be killed... by a Zamboni!
  • [when entering a taxi cab] And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up.
  • [to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [cocks his pistol] blurry!
  • TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!
  • [puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow.
  • You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants.
  • [after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…
  • [after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
  • [to Colossus] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
  • All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex! [after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms]
  • You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]
  • [before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas!
  • Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
  • [after realizing he forgot his guns; he tries calling the cab driver, but gets his voicemail instead] [angrily] Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music.
  • [Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.
  • [after landing, Angel Dust toward Deadpool] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex.
  • [voiceover; while he and Vanessa kiss passionately] See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ♪ I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you. Oh-oh-oh. ♪
  • [in a post-credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What were you expecting? Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. [He walks away. Credits resume. Cut back to Deadpool] Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley; she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. [walks away, pops his head back in] Chicka chi-kaah! [End of film]

Vanessa[edit]

  • [From trailer] I've played a lot of roles. "Damsel-in-distress" ain't one of them!
  • [after Wade's diagnosis] I just realized something: You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
  • [seeing Deadpool's scarred face for the first time] After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face…I'd be happy to sit on.

Francis Freeman/Ajax[edit]

  • I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything.
  • This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die.
  • You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You, a dishonorable discharge, hip-deep in hookers? You're nothing. Little secret, Wade: this workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters... maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
  • [repeated line] What's my name?
  • Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut?
  • You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug!
  • Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same.

Weasel[edit]

  • Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you. Real "Grim Reaper" type. I dunno, might further the plot.
  • Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
  • [To Ajax and Angel Dust, when they leave his bar] You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Enjoy your midnight showing of Blade II.
  • Wade, we have a fucking problem, and by "we", I mean "you".
  • [When Deadpool leaves for the climatic fight] I'd go with you...but I don't want to.
  • [To Blind Al, after Deadpool leaves, saying he hid a stash of cocaine] Wanna get fucked up?

Other[edit]

  • Weapon X recruiter ("Agent Smith"): Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "fuck it"!
  • Strip club DJ (Stan Lee): You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!

Dialogue[edit]

Francis: Jeez, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
Deadpool: Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it? [wiggles his katana] Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. [raises his fist to punch Francis, but is stopped by a loud clang, and feels something metallic, which is Colossus' crotch] [confused] Dad?

Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Wade Wilson: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh... [checking his Adventure Time themed watch] fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Wade: This shit... [lifts his mask, showing his scarred face] Boo!

Wade: Do you happen to know a Meghan "Orflowsky"- gettin' that right? "Orflasky"? "Orlovsy"? [Jeremy nods] Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
Jeremy: [nervously] I'm, uh–
Wade: A stalker. [points his knife at Jeremy] Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?
Jeremy: Yes– Yes, sir.
Wade: Then we're done. [puts the knife away]
Jeremy: Wait, we... we are?
Wade: Yeah, totally done! [to Merchant, as they both start laughing] You should have seen your face!
Merchant: I didn't know what to do. I was so scared!
Wade: Soft spot, remember? [suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall] You even look in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. [pauses for a moment] That came out wrong. Or did it? [kisses Jeremy on the cheek as he whimpers]

Wade: I've been traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then–
Weasel: Killing them, I know. I saw your Instagram. What was special forces doing in Jacksonville anyways?
Wade: That's classified. [whispering] They have a wonderful T.G.I. Friday's.

Vanessa: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade: Merchandise, huh? So, you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?
Vanessa: Yup.
Wade: Rough childhood?
Vanessa: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade: Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade: Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa: I was molested.
Wade: Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa: Uncles. They took turns.
Wade: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be my–
Vanessa: Your bedroom. Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade: [gasps] You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn.
Vanessa: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?
Wade: Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, [looks at his wallet] uh, $275 and a... Yogurtland rewards card?
Vanessa: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. [takes the rewards card, sticks it in Wade's mouth] And a low-fat dessert.

Vanessa: [After playing skee-ball with Wade] Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.
Wade: Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? [Hands her the Voltron ring he won] FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so...
Vanessa: Five mini-lion bots?! [Deadpan] Three minutes.
Wade: Deal. What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?
Vanessa: ...Cuddle?

Wade: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sound's suspiciously made up. What is it, really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? [speaks in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty?
Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.
Wade: We'll see about that.
Ajax: I suppose we will. [turns to Angel] He's all yours. [leaves]
Wade: Oh, come on! You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
[Angel punches Wade, knocking him out]

[Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead set out to apprehend Deadpool]
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us, but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Negasonic: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. [gives Negasonic an energy bar] Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.

Deadpool: Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
Colossus: You know I can hear you?
Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them!

Deadpool: And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage wwwWHAT THE SHIT?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
Colossus: No, trainee.
Deadpool: Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, shit detail?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: What does that make you?
Deadpool: Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Can we go?
Deadpool: "Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences!" So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [deadpan] You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: AH-HA!

Colossus: [handcuffing Deadpool] Let us go talk to the Professor.
Wade: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. [groans as Colossus drags him along] "Dead or alive, you are coming with me!"
Colossus: You'll recover, Wade. You always do.

[Seeing Wade's mutation for the first time]
Weasel: You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade: And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory, and he's... gone! Poof!
Weasel: Well, you gotta do something to remedy this, 'cause as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: [at the same time as Wade] Star in horror films.
Wade: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Wade: Here's what I'm actually gonna do: I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain-hole.
Weasel: I don't wanna see that, or think of it... again. But, the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Wade: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I'm sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake.
Wade: [getting annoyed] That'll do!

Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade: Let's recap! The cockthistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. [Looks at his bloody stump of a left hand] Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. [walks out while holding a toy unicorn and farting on Blind Al] Hashtag, #driveby.

[As Wade's hand regenerates]
Blind Al: Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
Wade: About the size of a KFC spork.
Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Wade: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
Wade: Looks are everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
Wade: No. You're blind.
Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Wade: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. [ushering her out] Go, go, go, go, go...

Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Wade: [to himself, frustrated] Fuck me...!!
Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.

Vanessa: [after Angel Dust rips the tape off her mouth] Thanks, dickless. [to Ajax] And I mean you.
Ajax: Wow, you're a talker, too. You and Wade.
Vanessa: I've been trying to tell you assholes, you got the wrong girl! My old boyfriend, he's dead.
Ajax: See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.

Deadpool: [on Negasonic Teenage Warhead's shaved head] Ripley, from Alien 3!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
Deadpool: HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [from inside the X-Mansion] Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? Big house. It's funny that we only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead looks both annoyed and confused]

Dopinder: Who brought this twinkly man?
Deadpool: Twinkly... but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.
Colossus: Is not boy-band!
Deadpool: Sure it's not.

Deadpool: Finish fucking her the fuck up!
Colossus: [annoyed] Language, please!
Deadpool: [angrily] Suck a cock!

Ajax: Wade Wilson! What's my name?!
Deadpool: [To himself] Oh, I'm gonna fucking spell it out for ya!
[Later]
Deadpool: Yoo-hoo!
[Ajax looks down and sees that "FRANCIS" is spelled out by all the dead henchmen Deadpool has killed]

Deadpool: Well, I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve - 'cause I'mma go lookin'!
Ajax: I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow you back.
Deadpool: Good one. [to camera] Yup, that was a good one. [to Ajax] Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other!

[Deadpool notices Colossus and Negasonic still watching him and Vanessa]
Deadpool: Wh-what are you still doing–?! Get out of here, go make yourself useful! [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone and tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. [to Negasonic] And you, chicken-noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990, sorry.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: That's all right. You're cool.
Deadpool: [gasps] What in the ass?! That was not mean! I'm proud of you!
Colossus: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
Deadpool: Y'know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion-robots coming together to form one super-robot!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: There's the stupid.
Deadpool: Yeah...

Taglines[edit]

  • With great power comes great irresponsibility.
  • Witness the beginning of a happy ending
  • Bad ass. Smart ass. Great ass.
  • A new class of superhero.
  • Sit on this
  • Wait 'til you get a load of me
  • Size matters
  • Feel the love this Valentine's Day
  • Justice has a new face

Cast[edit]

Ryan ReynoldsWade Wilson/Deadpool
Morena BaccarinVanessa
Ed SkreinFrancis Freeman/Ajax
T. J. MillerWeasel
Gina CaranoAngel Dust
Leslie UggamsBlind Al
Stefan KapičićColossus
Brianna HildebrandNegasonic Teenage Warhead
Karan Soni – Dopinder
Jed Rees – Weapon X recruiter ("Agent Smith")
Randal Reeder – Buck
Isaac C. Singleton Jr. – Boothe
Stan Lee – Strip club DJ

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

Wikipedia
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