Frasier (season 10)
Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.
The Ring Cycle [10.1]
- Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
- Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
- Gertrude: [to Roz] You should talk to your daughter. [exits]
- Roz: [to Alice] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
- [Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union]
- Frasier: For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
- Gertrude: No, He lives at the church!
Enemy at the Gate [10.2]
- [Niles and Daphne have named their pet lovebirds after themselves]
- Niles: This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"
- Frasier: Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.
- [An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]
- Frasier: My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
- Niles: Yes. [to the driver] I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
Proxy, Prexy [10.3]
- Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him
- Frasier: We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
- Martin: [annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.
Kissing Cousin [10.4]
- Frasier: (about Roz's cousin) She told me that my show was bourgeois. I then argued that anything that has mass appeal could be called bourgeois. She then said that my argument was bourgeois...which I happened to find jejune.
- Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father
- Niles: Are you proud of yourselves?
- Frasier: We didn't ask her to do anything!
- Martin: She offered!
- Niles: Then why is no one looking me in the eye?
Tales from the Crypt [10.5]
- [Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]
- Frasier: [wailing] My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!
- [Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]
- Martin: This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
- Frasier: Like when?
- Martin: Like the last time we went to the beach!
- [Jason’s parents call round to Niles's apartment to sort things out]
- Beverly White: It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
- Niles: You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter. [gestures to Gertrude]
Star Mitzvah [10.6]
- Noel: The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
- Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
- Noel: Oh, I would! But William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a real phaser.
- Frasier: Star Trek is just a TV show.
- Noel: So was Brideshead Revisited!
- Frasier: You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!
Bristle While You Work [10.7]
- [Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]
- Frasier: Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... [closes the door] of never!
- [Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the Sonics]
- Trish: I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
- Martin: Not everybody. Or his brother.
- Martin: Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... [closes the door] asteroid hits Earth!
Room with a View (10.8)
- Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles's operation
- Dr. Schaeffer: Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
- Frasier: And my expert opinion says otherwise.
- Dr. Schaeffer: [calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.
- Frasier: Maybe I will.
- Niles: [whining] Dad...
- Martin: [sternly] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
- Frasier: According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
- Martin: How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
- Frasier: Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.
We Two Kings [10.10]
- [Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]
- Roz: Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
- Frasier: It's just so egregious!
- Roz: Smaller words.
- Niles: Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
- Frasier: Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: Copernicus called, and you are not the center of the universe!
Door Jam [10.11]
- Niles is determined to find out what lies beyond the "Platinum" door at the day spa
- Attendant: I'm sorry. Sir? You're not allowed through there. Please remain in the relaxation grotto.
- As the attendent leaves, Fraiser becomes peevish
- Frasier: Please remain... in the relaxation grotto?
- Niles appears distraught
- Frasier: Have crueler words ever been spoken?
- Fraiser carries Niles to the the "Platinum" door
- Frasier: Niles! Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium!
- Niles: Goodbye sweet and edible facials, hello radiant life-giving sun!
- Frasier carries Niles through the "Platinum" door which then closes behind them. Beside them is a dumpster and piles of trash
- Niles: It's beautiful, it's beautiful!
- Frasier: Yes! This is where we belong!
Lilith Needs a Favor [10.13]
- Albert: My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn off white.
- Lilith: I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper.
- Frasier: Would we sleep together?
- Lilith: I was thinking we could freeze your sperm.
- Frasier: Is that a "yes" or "no"?
Daphne Does Dinner [10.14]
- Frasier: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
- Martin: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
- [Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]
- Daphne: You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
Trophy Girlfriend [10.15]
- Chelsea and Frasier celebrate their mixed doubles win. Frasier cannot resist gloating in front of his brother
- Chelsea: There's no 'i' in team.
- Frasier: Like there is in Niles!
- Martin: Well, I'm proud of you two. Squash may not be the toughest sport, but it's still technically a sport.
- Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough! (Martin scoffs) Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.
- Martin: (surprised) That's the game you guys play?
- Niles: (fighting nausea) Hell, yeah!
- Frasier: (reading a note in Chelsea's office) Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a... "delibitating" disease. Nice try, Ruby.
- Roz and Julia find a way to be friends: by insulting each other
- Julia: You know there's a place down the street that's open all night.
- Roz: Just like your mouth?
- Julia: Just like your legs?
Fraternal Schwinns [10.16]
- [Frasier and Niles are in a bicycle shop]
- Frasier: Is there anything else we need?
- Niles: Hmm, let me see. Oh yes, I know: we need to know how to ride them!
- Frasier: If a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
- Niles: That's what we said when we were six!
- Fraiser and Niles are try to act knowledgeable about bikes as another customer passes by
- Niles: Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.
- Fraiser: Two bouncy tires and a taut chain. That's good ridin'
- The customer walks away
- Niles Where did you learn all of that? That was really good!
- Fraiser: It's all a matter of confidence, Niles.
Kenny on the Couch [10.17]
- Frasier: Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.
- Martin: What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?
- [Niles learns of Frasier's new patient]
- Frasier: Very challenging case. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses and a phobia or two.
- Niles: Sounds to me like you’ve hit the crackpot!
Roe to Perdition [10.18]
- [Frasier tries to think of a solution to the shortage of caviar.]
- Frasier: What was the name of the boat...?
- Niles: HMS Bounty!
- Frasier: This isn’t Trivial Pursuit. Let me finish!
- [Martin, still frustrated at the amount of red tape he faces at the bank, takes a phone call in Frasier’s absence]
- Martin: No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn’t here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! [hangs up]
Some Assembly Required [10.19]
- Frasier: In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.
Farewell, Nervosa [10.20]
- Martin: Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?
- Frasier: Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?
- [Evelyn takes a phone call from her children’s nanny, then hangs up.]
- Evelyn: Sorry about that. Susie got stuck in the laundry chute again.
- Daphne: Aww, poor thing. How old is she?
- Evelyn: What's the difference? After tomorrow, she’s not our nanny any more.
The Devil and Dr. Phil [10.21]
- Frasier has confided in Niles of how Bebe is trying to lure him back
- Niles: I think I’ve figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.
- Frasier: I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakeable thirst…
- Frasier & Niles: [unison] …for Crane.
Fathers and Sons [10.22]
- [Niles and Daphne are discussing names for a baby]
- Niles: How about Desmond?
- Daphne: Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?
- Niles: 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together — Jackrane — or you face the dreaded glottal stop. Jack—Crane. Jack—Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.
- Daphne: This conversation’s unpleasant for the throat.
- [Frasier, Niles, and Leland are singing the Major-General's song. Martin tries to fit in.]
- Leland: About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
- All: With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse—
- Martin: With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus!
- Leland: [pause] What a wonderfully musical family you are.
Analyzed Kiss [10.23]
- Frasier joins Daphne in a very busy Nervosa
- Frasier: I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?
- Daphne: It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.
- Martin has gone to the shooting range with Niles
- Frasier: He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...(pause for effect) Niles's calibre. (chuckles to himself) I'm in rare form today.
- Daphne: (smiles, unamused) You should see this place when they know you're not coming.
A New Position for Roz [10.24]
- [Worn out by Alice's energetic games, Niles and Daphne place her in front of the TV.]
- Niles: Should we really be popping her in front of the tube?
- Daphne: It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more Jung for Youngsters?
- [Frasier is talking about one of his favorite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]
- Frasier: It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.
- Roz: I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?
- [Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]
- Gil: Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.
- All: [Sounds of concurrence and chants of Hear, hear!]
- Gil: Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. [with obvious fervor] She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! [Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]