Frasier (season 9)
Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.
- 1 Don Juan in Hell (Part 1) [9.1]
- 2 Don Juan in Hell (Part 2) [9.2]
- 3 The First Temptation of Daphne [9.3]
- 4 The Return of Martin Crane [9.4]
- 5 Love Stinks [9.5]
- 6 Room Full of Heroes [9.6]
- 7 Bla-Z Boy [9.7]
- 8 The Two Hundredth [9.8]
- 9 Sharing Kirby [9.9]
- 10 Junior Agent [9.10]
- 11 Bully for Martin [9.11]
- 12 Mother Load (1) [9.12]
- 13 Mother Load (2) [9.13]
- 14 Juvenilia [9.14]
- 15 The Proposal [9.15]
- 16 Wheels of Fortune [9.16]
- 17 Three Blind Dates [9.17]
- 18 War of the Words [9.18]
- 19 Deathtrap [9.19]
- 20 The Love You Fake [9.20]
- 21 Cheerful Goodbyes (9.21)
- 22 The Guilt Trippers [9.23]
- 23 Moons Over Seattle [9.24]
Don Juan in Hell (Part 1) [9.1]
- Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet
- Bob: Have you been waiting here long?
- Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell.
- Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”
- Roz: I was never his lady.
- Kirby: Damn, baby, that’s cold!
- Kristi: She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
- Roz: Damn, baby, now that’s cold!
Don Juan in Hell (Part 2) [9.2]
- Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves
- Lana: You are a really good f...
- Frasier: Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
- Lana: (laughs) I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re friends!
- Diane: She tried to kill me once.
- Hester: Oh, not this paranoia again!
- Diane: You had a gun.
- The cricket in the apartment is driving Frasier insane
- Frasier: Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
- Martin: That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
- [Daphne knocks at the door of Niles's office]
- Niles: Well, this is an unexpected treat.
- Daphne: Niles, I have something to tell you.
- Niles: Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
- Daphne: No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.
The Return of Martin Crane [9.4]
Love Stinks [9.5]
- Frasier quotes an injurious limerick about himself to Niles
- Frasier: "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
- Niles: That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a lot to be desired…
- Frasier: Niles, you're missing the point!
- Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"
- Niles: Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
- Martin: Is it worse than Piles?
Room Full of Heroes [9.6]
- Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed
- Frasier: You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
- Niles: Like to a resort?
- Frasier: Like to live with you.
- Niles: Oh, yes. The last resort.
The Two Hundredth [9.8]
- Roz: It's time for another blooper.
- Frasier: Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain Producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
- Roz: [on tape] Now what the [beep] is this? You call this a [beep] paycheck? How the [beep] am I supposed to live on this [beep]? I'm gonna have a little word with that [beep]-damn Station Manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-[beep]-ing place!
- Kenny Daly: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
- [Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]
- Frasier: That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
- Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
- Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
- Niles: Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
- Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
- Niles: Not from where I'm sitting.
- [When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]
- Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
- Niles Crane: Zipper goes in front.
- [Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]
- Martin: See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.
Sharing Kirby [9.9]
- Kirby: It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!
Junior Agent [9.10]
- Frasier: And screw, may I add, you!
- Frasier: She took your pants, you know!
- Kenny Daley: I know!
Bully for Martin [9.11]
- Niles: [about Martin] You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
- Frasier: Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
- Niles: Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
- Frasier: Shut up.
Mother Load (1) [9.12]
- [Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing Cam Winston to park his Hummer in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]
- Cam Winston: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!
- Cam: You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
- Frasier: If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
- Cam: Bigger!
- Frasier: This land is rich with snow- covered mountains, sun-kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America! (a large American flag drapes over his window)
- Niles: How did you do that?
- Frasier: [enraged] Cam Winston!
Mother Load (2) [9.13]
- [Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]
- Simon: [to Frasier] Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?
- [Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]
- Daphne: Still awake, Doctor Crane?
- Frasier: Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.
The Proposal [9.15]
- [Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]
- Frasier: You knew?
- Niles: Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
- Frasier: Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
- Wolfgang Puck: [annoyed] Yes, Dr. Crane?
- Frasier: It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
- Wolfgang Puck: They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
- Frasier: I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
- Wolfgang Puck: They're Cajun!
- Niles: Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... [holds up the ring] Will you marry me?
- Daphne: Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.
Wheels of Fortune [9.16]
- Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability
- Daphne: Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
- Frasier: Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!
- Blaine: I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
- Frasier: What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.
Three Blind Dates [9.17]
- Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands
- Frasier: Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your lackey?
- Niles: No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of Nas-Car."
- After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles
- Frasier: You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!
War of the Words [9.18]
- John: Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
- Frasier: And you never shut up!
- Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a state school
- Niles: How DARE you! [to Frederick] Can you take him?
- Frederick: Yeah!
- Niles: Then spell his ass off!
- [Frasier and Niles find a skull]
- Niles: Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
- Frasier: Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
- Niles: Why not?
- Frasier: Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
- Niles: I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
- Frasier: Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
- Niles: It's pointier.
The Love You Fake [9.20]
- [The leak in Frasier's ceiling is traced to Cam Winston's laundry room in the unit above.]
- Frasier: Have you ever heard of anything more... fury-inspiring!
- Daphne: I certainly have not. Imagine the cheek of the man, installing an illegal washer-dryer!
- Joe: Oh, they're not illegal, a lot of the units have them. You guys have a hookup in that hall closet where you keep all those hats...
- [Daphne, in the middle of folding the latest load she's brought up from the basement laundry room, glares at Frasier.]
- Frasier: First of all, I had completely forgotten about the hookup. Second of all, I believe the homburg is poised for a comeback!
- [Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a washer-dryer. Frasier has discovered an odd sock.]
- Frasier: I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
- Daphne: [unperturbed] Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. [exits]
- Frasier: I don't have any pinks.
- Daphne: [from the kitchen] You will.
Cheerful Goodbyes (9.21)
- Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff
- Carla: (getting angrier and angrier as she talks) It sticks in my mouth like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
- Frasier: Carla...
- Carla: Knock off! I'm toasting! [to Cliff] The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're leaving, I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! [Noticing that everybody is shocked] Anyway...God bless.
The Guilt Trippers [9.23]
- [Frasier and Roz have slept together]
- Frasier: Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
- Martin: Your naked body?
- Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!
Moons Over Seattle [9.24]
- Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle
- Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
- Niles: [pauses] I insist!
- Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne
- Niles: I'll put you up in a hotel.
- Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
- Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
- Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
- Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
- Harry: But it's different for you! I mean, you've found the right person.
- Daphne: You barely know him.
- Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two.