Frasier (season 8)
Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.
And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1) [8.1]
[edit]- Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him
- Frasier: Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a lawsuit!
- Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public
- Niles: Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
- Martin: Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.
And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2) [8.2]
[edit]- Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception
- Frasier: Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
- Martin: How about you and Lilith?
- Frasier: It was a rhetorical question!
- When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever
- Photographer: How about a kiss?
- Niles: All right! I hardly know you, but…
The Great Crane Robbery [8.4]
[edit]- Frasier is just leaving Café Nervosa when Mel arrives to see Niles
- Frasier: Ah, Mel.
- Mel: (icily) Frasier. You're looking...
- Frasier: (hastily) And you. We must do this again. (exits)
- Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture
- Daphne: Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
- Frasier: Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
- Daphne: Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)
Taking Liberties [8.5]
[edit]- Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out
- Niles: Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at my apartment. Not only that; she's going in my car, in my back seat, under a pile of my coats and blankets!
- Ferguson: Manchester, right?
- Daphne: Is it that obvious?
- Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
- Daphne: Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!
Legal Tender Love and Care [8.6]
[edit]- Martin: Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Abby: I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
- Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad.
- Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm
- Frasier: I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
- Martin: Don't worry; you are.
- Abby: I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
- [Throws him out of her office.]
- Frasier: You still can!
The New Friend [8.7]
[edit]- Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke
- Roz: Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
- Frasier: No, I do not deserve your friendship.
- Niles: I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)
- Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving
- Frasier: Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I am available for that concert…
- Niles: No, you're not.
Mary Christmas [8.8]
[edit]- Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband
- Frasier: She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a cue card girl.
- Roz: How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?
- Now that Ballantine has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas
- Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
- Niles: Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
- Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.
Frasier's Edge [8.9]
[edit]- Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist
- Tewkesbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
- Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
- Tewkesbury: No.
- Frasier: (stuttering) Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
- It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived
- Niles: He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
- Kenny: Stall? (beat) Stall?!
- Niles: Yes, like that.
Motor Skills [8.11]
[edit]- Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat
- Chelsea: Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
- Daphne: Why, you've never been bored before?
- Niles realizes that students who coast through class are simply frustrated
- Frasier: So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at Pythagoras.
- Niles: Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
The Show Must Go Off [8.12]
[edit]- Niles: It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
- Frasier: He has no instincts. He just stinks.
Sliding Frasiers [8.13]
[edit]- Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz
- Frasier: Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.
Hungry Heart [8.14]
[edit]- Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them
- Frasier: Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
- Enter Kenny
- Kenny: Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)
- Martin: (pause) Pretty.
- Daphne has tripped over
- Martin: What happened?
- Niles: Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.
- Martin: Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.
- Niles: Oh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)
- Daphne: It's the other one!
- Martin: Here, let me give you a hand.
- Daphne: Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
- Martin: All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.
- Daphne: Kill me!
- Frasier: (enters) Good lord, what happened?
- Niles: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
- Martin: Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)
- Daphne: Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!
- (Doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it, while Niles helps Daphne to her room)
- Martin: Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!
Hooping Cranes [8.15]
[edit]- Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given
- Roz: I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
- Frasier: So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
- Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory
- Frasier: The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane accidentally made a basket. The End!
DocuDrama [8.15]
[edit]- During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out
- Frasier: Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
- Roz: Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
- Frasier: Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
- Roz: Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
- Frasier: Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)
- Frasier: If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!
It Takes Two to Tangle [8.17]
[edit]- Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy
- Niles: I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
- William: Okay, which one?
- Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.
Forgotten But Not Gone [8.18]
[edit]- After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman
- Roz: Aww, do you really believe that?
- Frasier: Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to myself ten minutes ago!
- Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion
- Frasier: You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
- Martin: I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.
- Wine-tasting at the wine club
- Niles: I'm getting oak with plummy overtones.
- Endicott: I'm getting screwed on alimony.
- Martin: (Walks in) Niles, I want to talk to you.
- Niles: Dad! What happened, is there something wrong?
- Martin: You're damn right there is, it's about you and Frasier! (notices) Good God, you wear a sash?!
- Niles: Frasier sent you down here, didn't he?
- Frasier: (o.s. from above) No!
- Martin: Frasier, get in here now!
- Frasier shuffles in beside Niles. The following scene looks like a father dressing down two toddlers — a spectacle that both Frasier and Niles are desperate to avoid
- Frasier: Dad, this isn't necessary.
- Niles: Yeah, we-we can talk about this some other time.
- Martin: Zip it up, both of you! I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up. Niles, let your brother play.
- Niles: Dad, this is not a game, this is a club, and Frasier broke the rules!
- Frasier: Technically, I-
- Martin: Hold it! (To Niles) Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.
- Frasier: First, I want an apology-
- Martin: I said zip it!
- Niles: He did, I heard him!
- Martin: Don't get smart! Now, are you gonna let your brother play?
- Niles: Dad-
- Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
- Niles: Why-
- Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
- Niles: I-
- Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
- Niles: (Gives in) Fine.
- Martin: Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two?
- Frasier/Niles: (Humbly) No.
- Martin: No, what?
- Frasier/Niles: No, sir.
- Martin: Good. Now shake hands. (They do) That's more like it. Now if you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gewürzplatzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it. (Leaves)
- Niles: Uh, well, [chuckles] let's get back to the wine, shall we?
- Reynolds: You got yelled at by your dad. (All the members laugh)
- Niles: Well, be that as it may-
- Endicott: Zip it! (Everyone laughs louder)
Daphne Returns [8.19]
[edit]- In the midst of the argument
- Niles: I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
- Daphne: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
- Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
- Daphne: Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!
- Niles: What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?
- Daphne: You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!
- Niles: Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself! (Storms out of the apartment)
- Daphne: Well, good! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking! (Heads back for her room)
- Niles: (Hurries back in through the door, Daphne turns back) I am so sorry! I love you so much! (Runs into Daphne's arms, they embrace) I didn't mean any of those things!
- Daphne: Yes you did. And I did too. You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.
- Niles: YOU NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.
- Daphne: And you're a clean freak.
- Niles: Well...I hate your unicorn collection.
- Daphne: And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!
- Niles: Well...you're too tall!
- Daphne: You're too short. (They kiss passionately)
The Wizard and Roz [8.20]
[edit]- Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic
- Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
- Roz: No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
- Tewkesbury: Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, he's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
- At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test
- Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
- Morey: It's OK. Eddie told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
- Niles and Daphne look taken aback
- Morey: I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.
A Passing Fancy [8.22]
[edit]- Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz
- Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
- Frasier: Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
- Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out
- Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
- Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
- Kirby: The Boss!
- Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.
A Day in May [8.23]
[edit]- Niles: I'd hardly call this a dog park. (looks around) It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose beagles are those?
- Daphne: Don't stare. It only encourages them.
Cranes Go Caribbean [8.24]
[edit]- Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to Belize after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
- Niles: Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
- Frasier: Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
- Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight
- Frasier: At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.