Frasier (season 11)
Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.
No Sex Please, We're Skittish [11.01]
- Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously
- Frasier: I seem to recall hearing the term “stallion-like”
- Roz: I never said that
- Frasier: Well, one of us did!
- Daphne and Niles have just read the pregnancy test
- Niles: But my slow sperm...
- Daphne: I must have fast eggs!
A Man, A Plan, A Gal: Julia [11.02]
- Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern
- Frasier: I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!
- Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired
- Frasier: I am going to call Julia, and I will not take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!
- Niles: [grinning] You said Flasier.
- Frasier: I did not!
The Doctor Is Out [11.03]
- Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa
- Frasier: He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!
- Niles: His productions are brilliant! He staged a Philip Glass opera last year and no one left.
- Martin: Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!
- Alistair Burke: Frasier, this apartment is stunning.
- Frasier: Thank you.
- Alistair Burke: The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious.
The Babysitter [11.04]
Frasier finds Ronee in the middle of her musical entertainment at the Wellington
- Ronee: I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.
Both Martin and Frasier are trying to humiliate each other in a bid for Ronee's attention
- Frasier: Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. [to Ronee] You know, at his age, one slip and it's the ICU and then it's I-see-ya later.
- Martin: Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. [everyone laughs] Of course, that was just last Christmas.
The Placeholder [11.05]
- Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz
- Frasier: I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
- Roz: Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr Mothball.
- Frasier is just about to part company with Ann
- Ann: Well, here we are. The awkward part.
- Frasier: Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. (hands over money and runs)
Maris Returns [11.07]
- Frasier: Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
- [He says this first to the temp receptionist, then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]
- [Niles is having a panic attack in the kitchen during the baby shower]
- Martin: Calm down, Niles.
- Niles: I can’t! I’m telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
- Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It’s called marriage!
Murder Most Maris [11.08]
- Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in Café Nervosa
- Waiter: I’m calling the cops!
- Roz: The hell you are! This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you’ll ever smoke!
- Frasier:It's as if you'd forgotten that not three days ago I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.
- He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.
- Frasier: Thank you!
Guns N' Neuroses [11.09]
- Frasier: I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.
- Daphne: An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.
- Frasier checks his messages
- Voice on the answering machine: Hello, it's Lilith.
- Frasier, Martin and Daphne: [with sudden realization] Oh, well.
Frasier’s doorbell rings in his absence. Lilith is expected
- Niles: Shouldn’t you get the door?
- Martin: You’re closer.
- Niles: I don’t live here.
- Martin: Doesn’t matter. You’re family.
- Niles: So’s Daph…
- Daphne: [interrupts] Oh no, you don’t!
- Lilith: [from outside] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.
Seabea Jeebies [11.10]
- Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister
- Denise: Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.
- Roz: (to a waiter) Two Bloody Marys, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.
High Holidays [11.11]
- [Frasier has just seen Frederick’s goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]
- Niles: Well, at least he’s not dating outside the faith.
- [Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]
- Frasier: What?!
- Niles: I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.
- A caller on Frasier’s radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument
- Morrie’s daughter: I’m running away from home!
- Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!
- Frasier: [calmly] And neither is this conversation. [cuts them off]
- Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television
- Presenter: Ouch! 1lb heavier, Fras’!
- Frasier: That can’t be! I’ve added a salad to every meal!
The Ann Who Came to Dinner [11.13]
- Martin: I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!
- Frasier: Dear God! Which sponge?
- A policeman uncovers a boudoir portrait of Niles
- Policeman: What the hell is that?
- Niles: (embarrassed) It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery, and fornication.
- Daphne: (smiling) That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.
Freudian Sleep [11.14]
- Niles arrives at Frasier’s place. He has had a very bad day
- Niles: I need a sherry.
- Frasier: Brace yourself!
- Niles: [sees the empty bottle] You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.
- Martin takes charge
- Martin: [to Daphne] You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. [to Frasier] You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. [to Niles] You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! [to all three] Now just clam up and go to bed!
Caught in the Act [11.15]
Frasier covers Alice's ears during his conversation with Roz
- Frasier: If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros.
- Roz: Next time you say something like that, cover my ears.
Nanette is in Frasier's house and she tries to explain her disdain for carrying on her role as Nanny G
- Nanette: Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!
- [Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father’s heart attack.]
- Niles: (to Frasier) Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.
- Frasier: That’s make-up, you idiot!
- Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin
- Frasier: Now, I can’t imagine life without him.
- Niles: It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.
- Frasier: Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.
Coots and Ladders [11.17]
- Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier’s criminal activity
- Frasier: Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. (hands Niles the stolen item)
- Niles: What for?
- Frasier: [grabs it back] Now your prints are on it too, you have to help me!
- Niles: Fiend!
- Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds
- Frasier: You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the arachno-acro-agoraphobe!
Match Game [11.18]
- [Daphne’s doula insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]
- Harvest: A natural childbirth needn’t be painful.
- Roz: It needn’t be, but it be!
- [Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]
- Daphne: I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!
Miss Right Now [11.19]
- Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced
- Daphne: I guess he's got the fast food bug.
- Frasier: And which one would that be? E. coli?
And Frasier Makes Three [11.20]
- Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over
- Frasier: I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.
- Niles: Ah, so you’re going to be not rugged and not handsome. Interesting.
- Frasier: No…
- Niles: You could also be not passionate and not committed.
- Frasier: Very funny.
- Niles: Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…
- Frasier: Niles!
- [Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]
- Frasier: [to Niles] You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
- Niles: I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.
Frasier offers to drive Charlotte to the station
- Frasier: I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.
- Charlotte: With a romantic dip.
- Frasier: Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.
- Charlotte: (leans back) Dip. Dip.
- Frasier: I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would’ve been a disaster.
- Charlotte: With somebody else, I would’ve been in Portland.
Crock Tales [11.22]
- Frasier: Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
- Niles: Ooh, a lady friend?
- Frasier: [sarcastic] No, we’re going to form a jazz trio, Niles.
- [Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]
- Roz: Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
- Niles: I’m right behind her!
Goodnight, Seattle [11.23-24]
- Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier
- Charlotte: We’re such a cliché: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…
- Frasier: [interrupts] Oh, the hollandaise is breaking!
- Frasier: I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
- After spending time with Daphne’s brothers, Niles is worried about his child
- Niles: The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
- Frasier: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.
- Niles: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!
- Frasier: [Last lines on his KACL talk show] For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.
- Flight Attendant: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago...”
- Frasier:[Last Lines, to Anne] Wish me luck. [Fades to black]