Frasier (season 7)
Frasier was an American TV situation comedy, a spin-off of the television show Cheers, which aired from 1993–2004. It follows the life of a psychiatrist who has returned to his home town of Seattle to reconnect with his father and brother following his divorce and rebuild his life as a talk radio host and high society socialite.
Momma Mia [7.1]
- Martin has just met Mia, and is shocked at how much she resembles his late wife. She seems to like the cabin
- Mia: I feel like I'm in Heaven.
- Martin: I'm starting to feel that way myself.
- Frasier: Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
- Niles: It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!
Father of the Bride [7.2]
- Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
- Frasier: I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
- Niles: [about his date] She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles's birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his surprise birthday party!
Radio Wars [7.3]
- Frasier is not happy that Martin found the prank phonecall so amusing
- Martin: D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?
- Frasier: What on Earth for?
- Martin: How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?
- Frasier: (glares at him) I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!
- Martin has pointed out to his sons that bullies have always targeted them because they acted like they were above everyone else
- Frasier: Daphne, tell me: do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
- Daphne: That's it! I'm getting me door soundproofed!
Everyone's a Critic [7.4]
- Roz has arrived in Café Nervosa, and seen Poppy at another table with some other KACL workers
- Roz: I see Poppy's having a little party.
- Frasier: That is not a party; that's a hostage situation.
- The news about Frasier's prospective new arts show starts an argument with Niles
- Niles: You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
- Frasier: I do not have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!
- Niles: Oh well, at least my audience can read!
- Frasier: How dare you review my audience!
The Dog That Rocks the Cradle [7.5]
- Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
- Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
- Frasier: We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
- [Someone knocks at the door.]
- Frasier: Would you get that?
- Niles: I most certainly will not.
- Regan has admitted that her name is from a treacherous daughter in King Lear, which makes it less than flattering
- Regan: I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.
- Enter Martin, who is trying to match them up
- Martin: Excuse me again.
- Frasier: I have no idea what that would be like!
- Roz is trying to persuade Frasier to buy tickets for a charity ball
- Roz: Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.
- Enter Poppy
- Poppy: Hi, partners!
- Frasier: How soon can they get here?
A Tsar is Born [7.7]
- Frasier has just realized that the "game show" Martin wants to watch is The Antiques Roadshow, which he and Niles planned to watch
- Niles: I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
- Dr. Myshkin has arrived to examine the clock, and Frasier asks Daphne to bring in the caviar
- Daphne: Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into Caviar Time!
The Late Dr. Crane [7.8]
- After a minor car accident
- Niles: Are you alright?
- Frasier: Yes. Thank Heaven your fist softened the blow of the airbag!
- Niles and Mel are heading out to dinner
- Frasier: Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles: nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.
- Mel: Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do!
The Apparent Trap [7.9]
- Frasier urges Niles and Lilith to behave as they used to towards each other: by trading insults
- Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice cream headache.
- Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!
- Frasier: Was that so hard?
- Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
- Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.
Back Talk [7.10]
- Frasier: No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...[winces in pain] God Almighty!
- Niles: [sarcastically] Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!
- This is a pivotal moment
- Daphne, relieved that she misunderstood Frasier's musings earlier, is giving him a massage. He is very drowsy after taking the tranquilisers
- Daphne: When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
- Frasier: (half-asleep) Oh, that…he meant Niles.
- Daphne: [shocked] What?!
- Frasier: Niles…he's crazy about you.
The Fight Before Christmas [7.11]
- Daphne: [about Niles's longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
- Roz: [sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?
- Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off
- Niles: (to Frasier) Anything else in the box, Pandora?!
Frasier and Roz exchange New Year greetings in Nervosa
- Roz: I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
- Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
- Roz: Thank you.
- Frasier: (on the phone) Niles! Where are you calling from?
- Niles: (triumphantly) From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.
- Frasier: But I'm in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!
They're Playing Our Song [7.13]
- Daphne has a new and very powerful vacuum cleaner, but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion
- Frasier: Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt Pile 1957."
- Niles questions whether Frasier needs as many musicians as he has
- Niles: Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
- Frasier: Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!
Big Crane on Campus [7.14]
- Roz is in Café Nervosa when Frasier runs into Lorna
- Roz: So, are you going to ask her out?
- Frasier: Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!
- Frasier: Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-
- Martin: No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."
- Frasier: That was Noël Coward!
Out With Dad [7.15]
- Daphne is complaining that even being engaged doesn't guarantee a date on Valentine's Day
- Daphne: Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.
- Martin: What'd she do this time?
- Daphne: She died.
- Frasier is embarrassed that Emily just kissed him and is now about to leave.
- Niles: You're embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!
Something About Dr. Mary [7.16]
- Frasier does not want Chuck Ranberg to stand in for Roz, on account of his amusing speech impediment
- Roz: Hey, Chuck. How's it going?
- Chuck: Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
- Martin has suggested that Frasier refuses to restrain Mary because she is black; Frasier denies it
- Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
- Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother!
Whine Club [7.17]
- Frasier: We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."
- Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
- [Wine Club members address Niles, the new corkmaster, to the tune of Rule, Britannia.]
- Hail, corkmaster,
- The master of the cork,
- He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!
Hot Pursuit [7.18]
- [Niles is asking where Martin is.]
- Daphne: He's with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
- Niles: (as though understanding) Oh...
- (gives her a questioning look)
- Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
- Niles: (as though understanding) Oh...
- (gives her another questioning look)
- Daphne: The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"
- Frasier: Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.
- Niles: She's dating French circus folk?
- Frasier: Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.
Morning Becomes Entertainment [7.19]
- Frasier: Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?
- Daphne: No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.
- Frasier: I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
- Bebe: You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
- Frasier: Uh-huh.
- Bebe: They haven't come up to it yet.
- Frasier: Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
- Bebe: Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
- Niles: Have you tried turning into a bat?
- Bebe: I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.
To Thine Old Self Be True [7.20]
- Niles is showing Frasier and Roz a rotund woman eating bear claws outside Café Nervosa
- Roz: Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.
- Frasier: It's childish.
- Niles: It's Maris!
The Three Faces of Frasier [7.21]
- Frasier is still complaining about the caricature on the way home from the restaurant
- Frasier: Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic?!
- Martin: So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.
- Frasier: It makes me look like I discovered fire!
- Niles and Frasier take their seats at Stefano's, underneath the new portrait
- Frasier: Well, there it is. Frasier Cranium!
The Dark Side of the Moon [7.22]
- Frasier is very cross at the State of his kitchen after Simon used it
- Daphne: Yes, I guess they got some take-out.
- Frasier: It looked like a Kung Pao bomb went off!
- He then erupts when he discovers a nude Simon in his bed
- Martin: Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the jet lag. Couple of days and he'll be on our time.
- Frasier: A couple more days, he'll be on our sidewalk!
- Roz is not keen on Frasier's suggestion that he accompany her to Daphne's wedding
- Roz: Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
- Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! *pause* Our dates got sick, and we went stag!
- Niles: In retrospect- yes, we should've canceled the carriage, but hindsight is 20/20!
- [Daphne has told Frasier that she found out about Niles' long-time attraction to her.]
- Frasier: [furious] Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?
- Daphne: You.
- Frasier: What?
- [Daphne has passionately kissed Niles.]
- Niles: I think you can call me "Niles" now.