King of the Hill (season 6)

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King of the Hill (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

Bobby Goes Nuts [6.1]

Bobby: That's my purse! I don't know you!

[Bobby talks about his new penchant for kicking people in the groin.]

Bobby: Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.

Bill: I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.

[Dale suddenly kicks Bill in the groin]

Dale: Be careful what you wish for.

Bobby: I kicked my dad in the crotch.
Connie: You kicked your father? We all have those feelings, Bobby. But, we never act on them.
Kahn: (Talking to Bobby) I heard what you did to Chane Wassonasong -- unforgivable! But then I hear what you did to your father -- very funny. So I'm conflicted.

Peggy: Uh-huh, That's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Where's your secret weapon now, huh?
Kahn: She bluffing! Finish her!

Bobby: Um, alright guys. The girls aren't here, you don't have to pretend to be tough. Oh! [Chane pushes him to the ground] Come on. Uh, I live next door. All I have to do is scream and my dad will be on you like flies on pie.
Chane Wassonasong: If you eat some dirt, then maybe I'll leave you alone.
Bobby: But, I don't want to eat any dirt. Well, maybe just a little. (He pretends to eat dirt) Yum, that's good dirt.
Chane Wassonasong: You didn't eat any.
Bobby: DAD! DAD!

Bobby: I'm sorry, Mom. It was a reflex. [Peggy jumps on him, then noogies him] Mom, okay! I said I was sorry! [groaning]

Soldier of Misfortune [6.2]

Dale Gribble: If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say "aye."

Dale Gribble: (holding a plate of macaroons, small macaroons on one side, large macaroons on the other side) Macaroon? I've got entrance wound size, and exit wound size. (The small macaroons are called "entrance wound size", and the large macaroons are called "exit wound size".)

Dale Gribble: Pocket sand! Sh-sh-sha! (tosses sand in the eyes of his attacker)

Hank, Boomhauer, and Bill are tied to chairs when Hank decided to try and call for help using his nose to poke the phone on the front of Boomhauer's belt. When Mad Dog walks in, he sees it from an unfortunate angle.

Mad Dog: Oh, my God, what the hell are you doing?!
Hank Hill: Nothing! I swear! I was just calling for help!

Dale is on the phone with Hank who has been kidnapped.

Bobby Hill: Is that my dad [on the phone]? Ask him if he's gonna be late if I can have his pork chop.
Dale Gribble: Bobby, you'll be eating your father's pork chop every night for the rest of your life. Wait. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Retraction! Bobby, you will not be having your father's pork chop tonight, or any other night! You hear me Hank?! Bobby's not eating your pork chop!

Lupe's Revenge [6.3]


Peggy is giving her testimony to a Mexican court, in Spanish.

Peggy Hill: (subtitled): Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.

Dooley: My chicken's the star of the show.

Hank is trying to choose a Christmas ornament.

Hank Hill: How about this one?
Cotton Hill: Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it? Besides, we're a Joy family.
Hank Hill: Dad, it's Jesus peace, not Hippie peace...

Didi Hill: I'm lucky. Cotton is so easy to shop for. Either he likes what I get him, and he's happy, or he hates it, and he shoots it, and he's happy.

I'm With Cupid [6.6]

Bobby: "I'm sweet on you, Connie! I'm your little candy man!"
Bobby: (When Connie referred to Bobby as 'just a friend) "Don't use the 'f' word on me, not me; This is your cuddle monster talking."
Stuart Dooley: (To Bobby) "You shot her in the eye."
Connie: "Oh, gross! You licked it!" (runs off, Joseph puts down his drink)
Joseph: (to Bobby) "What are you doing? You're ruining my party." (takes Bobby's toy bow)
Bobby: (to Joseph) "What?! You wouldn't even be having this party if it wasn't for me. You'd just be sitting alone going, 'Dude, like, eh... I'm so bleah."
Joseph: "Come on. Get..." (tries to push Bobby out)
Bobby: "Watch it. You're pulling off the wings! Let go! I'm not leaving! I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me." (Bobby now gets in, trying to hold his grip onto the couch.)
Joseph:(as he and the boys grab Bobby) "Come on. One, two, three. Get him. Get him." (Clark Peters lifts his fingers, carry him, and throw him over the fence, cheering. Bobby grunts)

The Bluegrass is Always Greener [6.9]


Bobby's "In Soviet Russia..." joke:

Bobby: "In America, you put "In God We Trust" on your money. In Russia, we have no money!"

Unfortunate Son [6.11]

Dale: Falcon, bring us back a vole. Sh-sh-sha!

[The falcon immediately attacks Bill.]


[Bill runs off.]

Dale: Bill's a vole.

[Hank and Cotton are forced to the edge of a cliff in the forest while being pursued by Vietnam veterans who are berserk from PTSD]

Hank: [sighs] I'm sorry dad. It was a bad idea to try to get everyone together. I guess I just...
Cotton: GOT...DANG IT Hank! Don't apologize! You did everything right... I screwed up. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose, it ain't your fault. You gave it everything you had, that's all I ever asked of my men. Thanks for trying soldier.

[both men smile at each other, the Vietnam vets snap out of it and start crying]

One-armed Vet: That's all we ever wanted to hear; 'You did your best [sniffles] thanks for trying.'
Cotton: Well I gotta say I'm surprised you fellas are as good as you is. [pause] Shoot, you captured Cotton Hill, the whole Nazzy army couldn't do that. As commanding officer of the local VFW Post, I would be honored to have you fellas join our organization. On the one condition; that you stop all this GOT DANG BAWLING!
One-armed Vet: We'll uh... we'll do our best colonel.

[Cotton salutes the vets which they promptly return]

Cotton: You ever get shot?
Vietnam vet: I got a metal plate in my head.
Cotton: No kidding?! I got no shins!

Tankin' It To The Streets [6.13]


[Kahn tries to drive his SUV in his garage, but it's to big to fit inside.]

Hank: Where are you going to keep it, smart guy? It doesn't even fit inside your garage.
Kahn: Uh, Maybe I keep garage inside SUV! (laughs) Kiss my ass!

Dale: What are you asking Bill for? The army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placebo drug. No wonder he's an ignor-anus.
Bill: What did you say?
Dale: "Ignor-anus." It means "stupid," you moron.
Hank: Dale, you said "placebo."
Dale: Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him: "Placebo." I think it's made by "Puh-fizer."

Dale: Gentlemen, the crap has literally been scared out of me.

[Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer see the tank Bill was in, destroyed and in flames after being hit by an artillery shell]

Hank: He's...he's gone! Bill's dead!
Boomhauer: [Crying] Oh, dang 'ol, dang 'ol Bill, man!
Dale: [Taking his hat off in tribute] Bill was a good friend. He gave his life to save ours. I can safely say I would not have done the same for him.
Hank: [Sighs] The last thing I told him was he had bad breath. I wish I would've told him that he was a brave man...honest...sweet...[starts tearing up] a...big old stuffed teddy bear...[The otherwise-stoic Hank breaks down sobbing.] Oh God...I'm gonna miss him...
[Hank, Boomhauer and Dale begin crying inconsolably at the death of their friend Bill...including Bill himself. Hearing his voice, they stop crying, and look around to find the source of the sound. Bill is seen partly visible behind some shrubbery.]
Hank: Bill?!
[The three rush over to Bill, who is alive, but bruised and covered in dirt.]
Hank: [relieved] You're alive! You made it out in time!
Bill: Somehow I got blowed out by the asplosion...that hurt. Ow. Hey look, my- my carpal tunnel is gone.
[Bill lifts his right hand, which is horrifically mangled. His friends cringe.]
Dale: That is gross.
Bill: I heard what you guys said though - that I was brave and honest and a good friend. Do you still think that, now that I'm not dead?
Hank: Yup.
Dale: Yup.
Boomhauer: Mm-hmm.
[Satisfied with this response, Bill passes out with a smile on his face.]

Of Mice and Little Green Men [6.14]


Dale is talking to Joseph.

Dale Gribble: You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.

Both he and his father believing he's an alien, Joseph explains to Bobby why Dale suddenly buys him a new large TV

Joseph Gribble: He's just being nice to me so my real dad won't freeze him in carbonite and trade him for spice.

A Man Without a Country Club [6.15]

Dale Gribble: What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm going to play it.
Hank Hill: Dang it, Dale. It already happened once. What are the odds of it happening again?

Bill Dauterive: I've never had a caddy before. I'm gonna treat him like crap.

Kahn has distracted Hank in front of the membership chairman. Ted Wassanasong goes to speak to Khan in private
Ted Wassanasong: Damn it, Kahn, do you want to join Nine Rivers?
Khan: Oh yes! Thank you, Ted!
Ted: Welp, you can forget it!
Kahn frowns
Ted: ...Unless you can show Mr. Ho that Hank Hill would be the perfect Nine Rivers member.
Kahn Souphanousinphone: What do you want with that chicken-fried loser?
Ted: The PGA has refused to have their tournament at Nine Rivers unless we attract at least one non-Asian member. You deliver me Hank, I will put you up for junior membership.
Kahn: You will offer me full membership!
Ted: Associate membership?
Kahn: Full membership!
Ted{meekly}: Done!

Hank: Can I ask you something? What and what accessories do I sell for a living?
Ted: Tractors?
Dale: To be fair, Hank, you used to sell tractors.
Hank: Yeah, well, he didn't know that.

Beer and Loathing [6.16]

Hank Hill: They're temporarily diverting beer down to Mexico. Alamo will be back on the shelves in five days.
Bill: Five days? We can wait that long.

At a market near the Mexico/US border
Dale Gribble: I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.
Bill: Oooh, tacos! Can I buy one?
Hank: No!
Bill: How about some pig's feet? They look clean.
Hank: No! No food! You're going to get sick and this isn't some two-mile ride home from a pie-eating contest.
Bill: How about a banana? It comes in it's own wrapper.
Hank{sighing}: Fine.
Bill grabs bushels of bananas then proceeds to go pay for them. Hank sees shopkeeper sweeping
Hank: Uhh.. ¿Por favor? ¿Cervezas Alamo?
Shopkeeper points to a display of a Mexican cowgirl enticing customers to buy Alamo
Bill, Boomhauer & Dale{in unison}: Whoa!
Outside the Mexican market. The guys enjoy a long-awaited Alamo Beer, except Bill, who eats a banana
Hank: Yup.
Dale: Yup.
Boomhauer: Yup.
Bill: One beer's not going to hurt my driving. Look how fat I am!
Hank: Sorry, Bill. That's what you get for having a mouth full of banana when we all said "Not It."
Returning to Arlen. Bill is driving Dale's van
Hank: Dang those bananas!
Dale Gribble: Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

Dale Gribble: (vomits) Damn that filthy Mexican banana!
Bill Dautrieve: Don't blame the bananas! I had more than anyone, peels included, and I didn't get sick until hours after you guys did.

Fun with Jane and Jane [6.17]

Hank Hill: No, you are not tripping, that is an emu.

Luanne and other girls enter Omega House. One member takes Luanne's luggage but a van pulls up and two men grab her and force her inside
Mother: Oh Lisa, my baby! These men are here to get you back to normal.
Lisa: Who is Lisa? My name is Jane.
Deprogrammer #1: Do not worry young lady, all will be OK. Thank God we got her.
Deprogrammer #2: Yeah, it was a lucky break. This cult has lawyers up the ying-yang.
Van drives off. Luanne enters Omega House
Luanne: Omega House, party, woo hoo!

Head Jane: Omega House appreciates a mother as dedicated as you.
Peggy{chuckling}: I am too young to be Luanne's mother. I am her aunt.
Head Jane: You sound like an amazing person, I would love to get in your head. I bet you have many friends.
Peggy: Actually, no.
Head Jane: Well, people are often intimidated by those of high intellect. But you are a smart woman, no matter what your husband has told you.
Peggy{thinking about Hank}: No, I can't say he ever did that.
Head Jane: Father?
Peggy{thinking about Doc Platter}: No, not in particular.
Head Jane{grasping at straws}: Mother?
Peggy{recalling Maddy Platter's abrasive attitude}: How did you know?!

My Own Private Rodeo [6.18]


[Dale confronts his father.]

Dale Gribble: Prepare to be beaten by the deadliest form of martial arts. Monkey style! Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh!

[Dale believes his father is hitting on his wife. Thus, he throws a knife and hits a mannequin near them.]

Dale Gribble: Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.

[Dale talks to the audience at a gay rodeo.]

Dale Gribble: Attention homosexuals and so called "bi"-sexuals.

Nancy Gribble: This is supposed to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God punishin' me? (looks up with her arms in the air) Why, sug?!

Bug Gribble: Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?
Hank Hill: What?! No! I sell propane!

Nancy Gribble: So, are you really okay with your dad being gay?
Dale Gribble: Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn's gay, and I've been friends with him for years!

Sug Night [6.19]

Hank: Hey, John Redcorn.
John Redcorn: Hank.
Hank: Uh, yeah, John Redcorn, I had a dream last night. You got a minute?
John Redcorn: Come in. I'll brew some chamomile tea.
Hank: ...and the woman in my dreams, the one without the clothing, was not my wife. And needless to say that is not a dream I intended to have.
John Redcorn: My people believe that dreams of the unconscious mind trying to solve a problem with the conscious mind cannot. Is there anything unusual going on with you?
Hank: Nope. Everything's the same as it's always been for as long as I can remember. Yep, same old, same old.
John Redcorn: Is it possible that after 20 years of marriage, you're a little tired of your wife?
Hank: What?! That's crazy! Our romantic life is as good as the day we were married. It hasn't changed a bit. Yep, we've got a great routine. If I were bored of Peggy, I'd be having dreams in which I was bored of Peggy, not grilling naked with the neighbor's wife.
John Redcorn: (laughs) Minh.
Hank: Uh, no.
John Redcorn: It's Nancy? My Nancy? You're having dirty dreams about my sweet Nan-Nan?
Hank: Say, is that a new suede vest?
John Redcorn: Nancy used to like it when I kept the vest on during sex. Do you want it?
Hank: Oh, God!
John Redcorn: Here, take it! Take it all!
Hank: Bah!
John Redcorn: (crying)

Dang Ol' Love [6.20]

Marlene: I'm going to be honest with you -- I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off.

Peggy: Bill is picking on Boomhauer? He hasn't done that since he had hair.

Luanne: She's not coming back, honey.
Bobby: 'Course she is. She's Mr. Boomhauer's girlfriend.
Luanne: Let's see, how can I explain this...? You know how you can be happy eating vanilla ice cream day after day after day? Well, Mr. Boomhauer isn't just like that. See, he likes to try different flavors.
Bobby: But he can have a new flavor every day! He's dating the ice cream lady!
Luanne: Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady, and now he's dumped her. You're never gonna have ice cream again, Bobby.

Dale: We gotta do something. The alley was balanced before. A cool single guy, and a cool married guy. A loser single guy, and a loser married guy. Now it's me and three losers!

Peggy: If you think for one second that I'm gonna stand by while you go on a floozy hunt for Boomhauer, I...
Hank: Peggy, do you want another "Bill" on your hands?
Peggy: (giving in) Take my car. It's a chick magnet.

Bill: (To Boomhauer) I know how dark it is for you right now; curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, because there's a train comin' at you, carryin' a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: all you can do is let it hit you. And then try to find your legs. I know, I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me Boomhauer, I'm fat, and I'm old, and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley every day. I'm out there diggin' holes, fallin' into them, climbin' out, tryin' again, and tomorrow, I'm gonna hang outside at a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years? Is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive you better believe it. You gotta get right back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight t-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!

Bill is waiting outside a women's prison, in a suit, tie, and with a bouquet. A very butch looking woman walks up to him.
Bill: Welcome back to society! May I offer you a ride home?
Ex-con: (very deep, surly voice) I'm driving.
Bill give her his car keys, which she promptly snatches.
Bill: So, what were you in for?
Ex-con: Killed my boyfriend.
Bill: (optimistically) Does that mean you're single?

Returning Japanese [6.21/6.22]

Dale: Ah, Memorial Day. A day when our war heroes are honored by even the most liberal of media. Cheers, Colonel!

[Hank meets his Japanese half-brother, who looks astonishingly like him, for the first time.]
Hank: Bwah!!!
Junichiro: (In unison with hank) Hwah!!!

Junichiro: I kick-a your ass!!!

Bobby: Good God! That is the biggest Hello Kitty store I've ever seen!

Junichiro: (To Hank) With all respect and honor, I would not be saddened if both you and your father went to Hell!

[After receiving a message with information about rampaging Cotton's whereabouts.]
Junichiro: It is one of the businessmen I exchanged cards with! See? Japanese politeness is surprisingly effective! He just saw shinless stranger boarding at train station. He say he buy train ticket and... dishonor pay toilet.

[After discarding Japanese politeness in favor of American ass-kicking.]
Junichiro: Look at me! Here come Ronald Reagan, Mike Tyson!

[Reading letter to Luanne.]
Hank: Hi, my name is Ladybird. I like long walks, my arthritis medication, and two cups of kibble a day. I'll try to outsmart you and get three cups, but I know you're too clever for that, Ms. Platter. (Giggles)
Luanne: I don't know, Uncle Hank. She did write this letter, and everything.
Hank: Trip's off!

Michiko (Junichiro's mother): This arrangement offered me many opportunities for difficulty.

[Junichiro buys him and Hank cans of beer]
Hank: So, how long have you been in the robot game?
Junichiro: There was not a time where I was not fascinated by robot. Robots are clean, efficient, reliable...
Hank: Huh, that sounds like propane. I wonder if they ever made a robot that runs on propane.
Junichiro: No. [Hank looks disappointed] But, they could.
[Hank and Junichiro sip their beers]
Hank: Yup.
Junichiro: Hai.

[Hank and Junichiro have just watch Cotton depart from the train station.]
Junichiro: He will be proud of me. I was abrupt with an elderly woman.
Hank: [sighs] We're too late. Our dad's on his way to spit in the emperor's face.
Junichiro: Hwah!!!
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