King of the Hill (season 7)

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King of the Hill (1997-2010) is an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

Get Your Freak Off [7.1]

Hank Hill: (Referring to Bobby's dancing at a concert) They weren't dancing like you and I dance. They were...enjoying it.

Hank Hill: In heaven… Hey, that's Todd!

The Fat and the Furious [7.2]

Hank Hill: (bringing over hotdogs) Okay everybody, 'dogs are up! Now Bill's in a rush, so he gets first crack.
Bill Dautrieve: I'll be speedy! (starts to eat)
Hank Hill: Hey, we've got ketchup, mustard, relish over there... (notices Bill eating all of the hotdogs) Jesus!
Bobby Hill: Woah, look at him go.
Hank Hill: Bill, Bill! Those 'dogs are for everyone!
Bill Dautrieve: (finishes eating all the hotdogs, and belches) That should do it. (leaves)
Bobby Hill: Wow! If there were thirteen more 'dogs on that platter, Mr. Dautrieve would be in the Guinness Book of World Records!

Dale Gribble: Hail the conquering fat-ass! A lonely pig gorging himself on the lips and anuses of his brothers.
Bill Dautrieve: Dale, why don't you shut your skinny little no-hot-dog-eating mouth?

Nozawa:: You don't know who you're messing with!

Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do [7.3]

Tid Pao: You brought it here!? God, you are one dumbass pig-farmer.

Bobby Hill: Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.

Goodbye Normal Jeans [7.4]

  • Teacher: (sees bubbles approaching) Bobby, what are you doing?
    Bobby Hill: I'm ironing underwater. (makes blooping sounds)
    Teacher: (wipes her glasses) Don't test me, young man.

Hank Hill: (Upon Hank finding Bobby holding a Cheerleader uniform) There better be a naked cheerleader under your bed.

Hank- "If bobby Learns to cook and clean for himself whats his motivation to ever get married."

Hank Hill: Wow. Boy, that cheese. Mm.

Dances with Dogs [7.5]

  • Bill Dauterive: Rex, just move your paw. (screams)

The Son Also Roses [7.6]

  • Stoner: We need more of this dude!

The Texas Skillsaw Massacre [7.7]

Dale Gribble: Hank Rutherford Hill, you are within one hundred feet of me, and much as I like to scoff at the law, I also like to arbitrarily enforce it. Skedaddle, boy. We got a tunnel to dig under the alley!
Hank Hill: What?
Bill: Yep. It's gonna go from Dale's house, my house to Boomhauer's house!
Dale Gribble: A little 3 way friendship tube and you ain't invited!
Bill: The only rules are no spitting and no cutting other people's fingers off. You probably wouldn't like them down there, Hank.
Boomhauer: Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no dang ol' psychos allowed, man.
Hank Hill: Good God, you're serious?! The alley is city property. As block captain I will come down on you with the full authority of my office. And who the hell are you?
Dale Gribble: Hank, you know Octavio. He's my gal Friday. Does anything I want. Now you, scoot. 100 feet. Move it.
[This made Hank furious. Hank points at Dale.]
Hank Hill: You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!
Big Jim: Ha ha, that's telling him.
Hank Hill: 'Felt good, too.
Dale Gribble: Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.
Octavio: Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?
Dale Gribble: You heard him.
Big Jim: Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?
Hank Hill: No, I don't.
Big Jim: No you don't, that's right! What are you looking at, sport? Don't you eyeball me! Don't you eyeball a JUNKYARD DOG! [Everyone is looking scared, even Hank] ARF! ARF! ARF! NOW YOU GOT THE DOG BARKING! YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT IT! ARF! ARF!
[yells, bellows, suddenly grabs his chest and keels over]

Hank Hill: I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

Bill Dauterive: You cut Dale's finger off for building a tunnel. I once made a vest out of your wife's underpants. I can't imagine what you'd do to me.

Police Officer (thinking it's a domestic abuse situation): It always happens to the younger, prettier ones.

Dale Gribble: (Yelling at Hank) If it were up to you, you would have filled my buddy tunnel with cement, so no one else could use it! (Note the sexual innuendo/double entendre, based on context of scene).

Didi Hill: Hank has always been angry. When we were in kindergarten, and the other children would use the finger paints, he would pinch them.
Hank Hill: (enraged) You are a bold-faced liar!
Cotton Hill: Amen!

Hank Hill(To Dale): It's gonna take a lot of hard work to repair this floor, and since this is all your fault, Mister, I'm not gonna let you help me.
Bobby Hill: Can I help?
Hank Hill: Yes, Bobby.

Dale Gribble: Objection, Conjecture, Object-ure!
Hank Hill: That's not a word!

Hank Hill: [realizing it's no time to keep his temper, he turns violently angry and furious] Get out! Get out! GET OUT! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THAT GOT-DANG RAT HOLE NOW, I'LL GET MY CIRCULAR SAW, COME DOWN THERE, CUT OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES! NOW MOVE! MOVE!! MOVE!!!

(Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are terrified and race out of the hole just as the garbage truck crushes down and flattens the tunnel).

Dale Gribble: ...Now that we're up here, what is so damn important?

Full Metal Dust Jacket [7.08]

Hank Hill: Clea: Huntress of--I told you to get an adventure book.
Bobby Hill: But it is adventure.
Hank Hill: (reading it) "The Elf-Lord Fylfendell knelt upon the bed of dandelions. 'Young wanderer,' quoth he, 'I have woven you a magic breastplate'"-- Bobby, television.

Hank Hill: Dang it, Bobby! (snatches the book) No more elves at the table.

Hank Hill: I've come to take the local bookseller to lunch! (realizes Peggy isn't here) Peggy? (hears gunshots) What the hell? (goes to the basement) Peggy? (finds Cotton Hill shooting the book) Dad!
Cotton Hill: Well, look who's here! Shopping for my birthday? Get me something that shoots like that! (finishes shooting the book and drops it on the floor)
Dale Gribble: Excellent grouping, Colonel. Plus, those hollow points penetrated Shakespeare all the way into the so-called "Joyous Comedies". As you like it? Well, I like it plenty.
Hank Hill: Dang it, Dale! Where is my wife?
Dale Gribble: Probably one of her smoking breaks. I try not too keep her too tight of a leash.

(Dale Gribble shoots the book into a big gunshot. Dale blows the puff of smoke inside the gun.)

Dale Gribble: And so, a farewell to A Farewell to Arms!

Peggy Hill: Take your apple-
Dale Gribble: It's a Braeburn!
Peggy Hill: -And get out!

Pigmalion [7.09]

Peggy: What are you doing? That is not a proper way to interview!

Mega Lo Dale [7.10]

Hank Hill: Hey Boomhauer, you any closer to getting married?
Boomhauer: Dang ol'...huh?

Dale Gribble: I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that'd be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy's health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I'm paying for it.

Dale Gribble: You still think it's rats. Well, don't beat yourself up, Hank, I did too until the evidence pointed to baboon.
Hank Hill: Baboon? Dale, don't tell Glidewell there's a baboon. It's not a baboon.
Dale Gribble: I know that. I won't bore you with the details, but bottom line: it's Chuck Mangione!

Hank Hill: Dale's losing it at Mega Lo Mart, Nancy. We need some traps for the rat, and a tranquilizer gun for... uh... also for the rat.

Dale Gribble: Well, that's the calculated risk you take when you release a mongoose.

:(Dale and Chuck Mangione argue who's crazier)

Chuck Mangione: You let a mongoose out in the store.
Dale Gribble: You're living in a T.P. fort.
Chuck Mangione: Let's agree to disagree.

Boomhauer (In disbelief): Chuck Mangione. He's probably out there in Hollywood, you know, sticking his horn to dang ole Minnie Driver.

Hank Hill: That's where the culottes are.

Boxing Luanne [7.11]

Luanne Platter: I closed my eyes and I was thinking of those stupid guys in my math class... oh, and the guy in the parking lot... and that volunteer pool cleaner who always comes by when I'm swimming.
Angela: Tell me about it. I once fell for a free breast examination in a bar.

Luanne Platter: Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you. Every time I get hooted at I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.
Hank Hill: "Tae Bo", is that that new oriental way of moving your couch around?

Hank Hill: (after Luanne explains Tae-Bo): Oh, it's dancing.
Bobby Hill: Hmm. That sounds --
Hank Hill: No.

Luanne Platter: Guess who I ran into at the gym... Buck Strickland! He watched me do Tae Bo and he thinks I'd be a great boxer!
Hank Hill: Look, Luanne, I fought at the Y and trust me, you are no boxer.
Luanne Platter: Yea-huh. Friday at midnight in the bathroom at Sugarfoots, and I am going to stand up and fight and be respected just like you said.
Hank Hill: Luanne, the kind of women that box don't have 50 stuffed animals on their bed. Why don't you spend Friday night watching one of those movies you like, where the people fall in love and then one of them dies?

Angela: Men are never going to respect us. That's why we've got to use what God or the surgeon gave us to get what they got: Money.
Luanne Platter: So you'd do anything for money?
Angela: Or a car.

Vision Quest [7.12]

John Redcorn: Hank, this is an important ritual among my people. Don't half-ass it.

Dale Gribble: I see the buffalo! I see the Indian! I... am the Indian!

(the guys in the alley are standing around drinking as always, but Dale is in Native American garb--who yells in a Native American chant cry)

Bill Dautrieve: Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Dale--something seems different about you.
Dale Gribble: Something IS different, Bill. I had a vision. I'm an Indian now.
Bill Dautrieve: Oh.
Dale Gribble: I've always wondered why I hated the federal government or loved tobacco with such passion. But now it all makes sense!
Hank Hill: Okay Time Out, Sitting Jackass! Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are the God-dang whitest person I've ever seen!
Dale Gribble: I AM THE ALBINO BUFFALO! Deal with it!

Dale Gribble: I see the Buffalo, I see the Indian! (slows down) I am the Indian. (snoring)
Hank Hill: (groans) Dang it.

(Joseph is sitting by the campfire as he's supposed to have a vision. The others are away)

Joseph Gribble: Dad, where the Hell are you? DAD!

(John Redcorn watches from a tree looking very sad and wishing Joseph was calling to him, biting his lip)

Bobby Hill: Your dad's not coming. He's rolling around on the ground and eating bark and my dad is screaming, "Dang it!" a lot.
Joseph Gribble: This trip is so... SUCKS! You know what the land is tell me? WRECK STUFF!

(He gets up and throws a sleeping bag into the campfire)

Joseph Gribble: HA! HA! LOOK AT IT BURN!

(John looks away, disheartened)

Queasy Rider [7.13]

Hank Hill: Dang it, Boomhauer. Just because the Cowboys have a bad season or two or five doesn't give you the right to abandon them. Right, guys?

Drunk Biker: Barstool coming through! (bumps into the back of Hank, making his glasses come loose)

Board Games [7.14]

Peggy: It's for the freakin' children!

An Officer and a Gentle Boy [7.15]

Cotton Hill: In my day, the principal was the meanest sum-bitch God ever put on one leg. He'd lean on a desk with both hands, and swing his leg at ya! Then, when you were standing there shocked that a one-legged man had kicked ya...he'd bite ya!

Bobby Hill: The clock radio smells like my Game Boy, but it tastes like my library card. I wonder if it smells different when it's on...

A Racist Dawg [7.20]

Reverend Karen Stroup is giving a sermon to the congregation's children (and their parents) on racial inclusion, using crayons in a box as a metaphor
Rev. Stroup: Can anyone tell me what color this is?
Children: (together) White.
Rev. Stroup: How 'bout this one?
Children: (together) Black.
Rev. Stroup: (cheerfully) Very good. Did you know that God created all the colors and loves them all equally? That's why he puts them in the same box.
Children: Yeah/Mm-hmm.
Rev. Stroup: (sternly) Unfortunately, there are some people in this world who would prefer to keep white crayons in their own box, separate from the other crayons.

Night and Deity [7.21]

Dale Gribble: Look at all those pests out there. I wonder if we'll ever win this war.
Sheila: Don't you just find the mating habits of animals fascinating? When a pigeon wants to mate, it makes this noise. Coo. Coo.
Dale Gribble: Interesting. When cockroaches want to mate, they flush all the air out their book gloves. It sounds kinda like (wheeze).
Sheila: Coo. Coo.
Dale Gribble: (wheeze)
Sheila: Well, it's getting late. You want to go downstairs. I got us a room, I'm warming up some brandy in the coffeemaker.
Dale Gribble: Wait a second. Are you attempting to... know me?
Sheila: Dale, you're one of the sweetest, gentlest, funniest men I've ever met.
Dale Gribble: True, but Sheila, I'm married.
Sheila: It's just us tonight. (She tries to kiss Dale)
Dale Gribble: Oh no, Missy. There are 3 people here tonight. You, me, and my wife. I've taken two oaths in my life: One to the NRA, and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble. Nay, Nancy Hicks. I stood in front of God and all my friends, swearing to be an honorable and truthful man. So I'm not going to lie, I, I have felt a very small, insect-like attraction for you. But my wife is the greatest woman there ever was! I think you should go. (Sheila leaves) (pigeons cooing) Jeez, woman, take a hint. (turns to see the pigeon cooing. believing the pigeon is propositioning him) You heard me. I love my wife.
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