Psych (TV series)

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Psych (2006–2014) is an American television series, airing on the USA Network, about a young police consultant whose eidetic memory and impressive detective skills lead people to believe that he's psychic. The series premiered in 2006.

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

[Shawn, while kissing a waitress, grabs the phone]
Waitress: What are you doing?
Shawn: I'm calling the police.
Waitress: Any particular reason?
Shawn: I think I just closed a case.
Waitress: You didn't tell me you're a cop!
Shawn: Oh no, no, no, definitely not a cop. Does that disappoint you?
Waitress: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: [grins] Oh, I have handcuffs.

Lassiter: You have a criminal record.
Shawn: I was 18.
Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out.

Lassiter: You solved all these crimes while - what was it - watching the local channel 8 news reports?
Shawn: I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch channel 5. I prefer channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.
Lassiter: So you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews?
Shawn: Can't you?
Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.

Shawn: I got the information because, I am psychic.
Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Shawn: Oh, boy! [Leans against the door, looks at Officer Allen] Your grandma would be so proud.
Allen: You spoke to her?
Shawn: I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Allen: The palm readers?
Shawn: The palm readers.
Barry: Okay, just to be clear, um, you're claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: [Moves his hands around until one is pointing at Lassiter and the other at Barry] How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1... [Turns to Officer McNab] When's the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd. Wait, how'd you know?
Shawn: I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception and you are getting good!
McNab: Wow. That's amazing!
Lassiter: Oh, come on, who is buying this?!
[Allen, McNab, and a guy in a nearby jail cell raise their hands]

Gus: Alright, whatever, who kidnapped him?
Shawn: Nobody.
Gus: [sarcastically] Nobody! Excellent! Call the chief at home, tell 'em the crime is solved. Because apparently, we just imagined the whole thing!

Shawn: This is a great plan! Camden McCallum deserves to be commended.
Gus: Maybe you should date him, too!
Shawn: Maybe I will!

Henry: When I was in the department there were two things I hated in this world: private investigators and psychics. Congratulations, kid, you just hit the disappointment trifecta.

Gus: You're dating a murderer!
Shawn: Not exclusively.

Gus: You named your fake detective agency "Psych"? Why don't you just call it "Hey, we're fooling you and the police department. Hope we don't make a mistake and someone dies because of it."
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long, it would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way you convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are!

Spellingg Bee [1.2]

Shawn: Actually, we'd like to start with the contestants still in the running. And let's start with the shifty-eyed ones!

Shawn: Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.

Shawn: I can't smell anything.
Gus: Well, you don't have the Super Smeller!
Shawn: Gus, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. You want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man! Call it the Tight-Bouncer or the Hexagon. Ladies are gonna dig that.

Shawn: Dude, what is your glitch?
Lassiter: You. You're my glitch.

Shawn: Banana.
Speller 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. Ba-NA-na.
Gus: [whispering] Banana, Shawn? It's the third round.
Shawn: [whispering] You could have helped me.
Gus: [whispering] This is a dead end, Shawn. We're leaving.
Speller 118: Definition, please.
Shawn: [to himself] What...?
Shawn: [into the microphone] A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
Speller 118: Sentence, please.
Shawn: Anna Banana would like to hear "Venus" by Bananarama. Banana!
Speller 118: B-A-N-A-N-A. Banana.

Shawn: Onion.
Gus: [shocked] Onion?!
Speller 46: Onion?
Judge: [To another judge] Onion? Even Dan Quayle could spell that!

Shawn: Mitchum.
[Audience and spellers laugh except for Speller 16]
Speller 16: [confused] Mitchum?
Shawn: Yes, when I go to Albertsons, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast... and Bananas!

Shawn: I'm kind of a slave to my visions. I'm a slave.

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Piece [1.3]

Gus: So now I have a cat?
Shawn: An orange tabby. Last year you made her a tiny Santa hat, it was adorable.
Gus: Fantastic, now I can't even have an imaginary boy cat.
Shawn: Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Gus: Yeah? Well, in a related issue, I'm blocking your number on all the phones in the office.

Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!
Shawn: Gus, it was probably some sort of interpretive...
Gus: No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze!

Shawn: Here, let me read your palm.
Juliet: How about just one finger?

[Lassiter grabs Shawn by the collar and leads him into the hall]
Shawn: You know, if this is some sort of hazing ritual and we're gonna end up naked in a field, I'll need to arrange for a ride first.
Lassiter: Spencer, if I see you anywhere near this case, I'll throw every book I can find at you.
Shawn: Oh yeah? And what if you find the Bible? Are you gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me don't you think?

Woman Seeking Dead Husband - Smokers Okay, No Pets [1.4]

Shawn: I'm not a mind reader.
Gus: No, that's just what you tell everybody.

[Shawn pretends to feel a spirit in the records room so he can look at a case file]
Shawn: Yes, I can feel her, alright. She's over by the W's.
Sgt. Allen: Why?
Shawn: No. W.

9 Lives [1.5]

Gus: How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?
Shawn: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

Shawn: The cat is not my new partner, Gus; don't be ridiculous.
Gus: Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun?

[Watching Tilden's cat lick itself]
Shawn: There is a witness. There's a cat. I want to talk to that cat as soon as he's done licking himself... wow, I'm jealous.

Shawn: Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. And he has more integrity in his furry little hand...
Gus: Paw.
Shawn: Paw. Than most people have in their whole appendages... Appendages?
Gus: What?
Shawn: All of. Than most people have in all of their appendages... combined.

[While looking at an apartment under the guise of a gay couple]
Shawn: Ooh, Gus! Good news, shower for two.

Weekend Warriors [1.6]

[Lassiter is wearing a fake beard]
Gus: Is that Lassiter?
Shawn: Yes, it is.
Gus: What died on his face?

[Shawn, Gus and Lassiter find one of the Civil War re-enactors with a very real bullet wound]
Shawn: Okay. Either that guy is a phenomenal actor... or he's dead.

Sally: [Gus is wearing his Civil War uniform and plume] I think you look dashing. Personally I always loved the marching band.

Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
Gus: Crunch?
[Shawn enters dressed in Civil War uniform]
Shawn: Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

[Setting the inscription of a watch for his son]
Henry: "Love Dad"? Why don't you just put "kissy kissy"?

Shawn: Why kill Sally? She's hot, they're friends.

Shawn: And by the way, Dad, my birthday wasn't yesterday. It was...four months ago!
Henry: Yeah, well, after you were born it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started tickin'.

Shawn: Oh relax, I did some checking on Nelson Poe, nobody liked him, ever! And second of all...
Gus: What?
Shawn: Dude, I don't have a "second of all"!

Who Ya Gonna Call? [1.7]

Shawn: Good morning, detectives! Are we collecting donations for the policeman's ball?
Lassiter: We don't have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.
Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
Shawn: Uhh... the case gets solved?

Gus: When I asked her her name, Shawn, she said, "My--"
[Shawn cuts in with a high pitched voice]
Shawn: "My name is Wilting Flower, I died without knowing love. Will you be my friend?"
Gus: H-how did you know that?! I never told that to anyone before!
Shawn: I was Wilting Flower! Gus! I can't believe you fell for that!

Amy Kessler: He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was-- get this-- Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? [Pause] Roy Scheider's character from Jaws?
Amy Kessler: Yes. How did you know?
Shawn: ...I've seen Jaws.

Gus: Don't touch that, it's blood.
Shawn: It's not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.

Gus: I have to get back to work.
Shawn: Gus? The plot is thickening!
Gus: Shawn, I've already missed two days this week.
Shawn: Oh, fine, fine, fine. I respect your wishes. Jerk chicken.
Gus: You know that's right.
[Shawn is now driving, and Gus is just waking up]
Shawn: There he is.
Gus: What time is it?
Shawn: Day time.
Gus: What happened?
Shawn: Uh... I might have dropped six allergy pills in your Frosty while you were peeing.

Shawn vs. The Red Phantom [1.8]

Juliet: You're not hired. I can't pay you. If it turns out there's something to it, I'll make sure you get put on the case. That's all I can do.
Shawn: Juliet, I'm quite sure we could work out some kind of services exchange. You see I like to do some sketching myself and sometimes I need a model.
Juliet: Huh! [gets up and walks from the room]
Shawn: Was that inappropriate? ...Felt OK.

Shawn: This place is trashed.
Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.
Shawn: I'm sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?

Juliet: I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answers to.
Shawn: Then never ask your boyfriend if he thinks your sister's hot.
Juliet: I don't have a sister.
Shawn: How about a boyfriend?

Shawn: Dude. Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.
Gus: [evasive] I don't know that guy.
Shawn: He looked right at you.
Gus: He was mistaken.
Shawn: He said "Hi, Gus." And then, another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.

Vick: My water just broke.
Lassiter: Are you sure?
Vick: No, Carlton, there's water spilling out of me for some other reason!
Lassiter: Oh, no... Oh, can you move my briefcase?

Shawn: Wait, was this the movie you dragged me to where the hero had big nipples on the outside of his costume?
Hiltz Kooler: [quietly] Damn those nipples!
Shawn: [chuckles] They were like big, angry marshmallows!

Gus: Let me get this straight. You pulled me out of work to investigate a case, which is not a case, in which we probably won't get paid?
Shawn: Who are you kidding? I pulled you out of a Starbucks where you were pretending to finish your route you actually finished yesterday, so we could do a small favor for Juliet, that will grant us much larger favors in the future! Preferably ones that can't be mentioned in the presence of nuns or men of the cloth.

Forget Me Not [1.9]

Shawn: Captain Conners, how are you sir?
Conners: [He has memory problems] Look at you fellas, all grown up. How long's it been?
Shawn: About a day.
Gus: Less, actually.

Shawn: Simba, I am your father.
Gus: I don't think Mufasa has ever said that
Shawn: Mufasa, Vader, I'm Not Rappaport, it's all James Earl Jones.

Shawn: [in a fake Swedish accent] He is very forgiving of others. For instance just the other day, I spilled the hot cocoa all over his genitals, and I say "I'm sorry," and it is fine.

Shawn: [in a fake Swedish accent] Maybe it's because all of California is on the diet. Yes? All the surfing boys and the model girls.

Gus: What are you doing? We don't know anything about delivering warthog babies.
Shawn: Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is, are you allergic to placenta?
[cut to another part of the zoo; Gus is running away from the warthog pen, hand over his face]
Gus: Oh God, my eyes!

From the Earth to Starbucks [1.10]

Lassiter: There is something I've got to get off my chest.
Shawn: Is it your shirt? Please say no.

Lassiter: Can I tell you a secret?
Shawn: I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Shawn: You OK?
Lassiter: Alright, I'll bite. What's the joke?
Shawn: Just want to make sure you got home alright last night.
Lassiter: From what?
Shawn: From the bar.
Lassiter: What bar?
Juliet: You were at a bar?
Lassiter: No, I wasn't at a bar! I don't drink.
Juliet: You don't drink?
Lassiter: Well, a bit of wine at weddings. An occasional snifter of brandy. Maybe a good single-malt scotch.
Gus: Sounds like drinking to me.
Lassiter: Spencer, why don't you stop making up stories, OK, that are obviously bogus?
Shawn: OK, so you were not at Tom Blair's Pub last night?
Lassiter: I don't even know who Tom Blair is.
Shawn: Mmmhmm. And how'd you get that sweet, uh, bruise on your forehead?
Lassiter: I had an altercation.
Shawn: Yes. With a table.

Shawn: I predict we will solve it Friday at 10:01 p.m. and then maybe watch some cable.

Gus: And while you were out drinking last night and taking on free cases, I was up half the night dreaming about whether gelcaps are more effective than the tablets.
Shawn: First of all, tablets. Always tablets, that's a given. Secondly, I've been having this re-occurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem. But, your dream is pretty interesting, too.

[Over PA system]
Shawn: The Jackal has arrived.

Gus: Heard about Pluto? That's messed up, right?

Shawn: Hello ladies and gentlemen, [dramatic music] I will be your narrator. My name is Aurora Borealis! There are over four hundred stars in our galaxy. Maybe more. No one knows for sure. Many have said that the universe is even larger than the Indian Ocean. And that is why it is called Infinitum Staroctopussium. [constellations come up] Ah, yes, our glorious constellations, take a look. Over here, we have one with a guy holding some sort of thing. Over here, our beloved Olympic rings, all seven of them. And here, here's one with a fish.
Vernon: You gotta name them.
Shawn: Notice straight, straight above you, the Hammer of Jeff. And over there in the south--
Vernon: North.
Shawn: --north, you will see Monkey with Rash. The Egyptians used to set their clocks by it. [comet crosses the sky] Oh, look, there goes an asteroid!
Vernon: Comet.
Shawn: Comet! It's what they named that cleaning solution after. I know it may stink if you leave it in the sink, but boy, oh, boy, does it clean.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead [1.11]

Lassiter: Do you think he gets his jollies by taking pictures of your ding dong?!

Shawn: What is that?
Henry: What?
Shawn: Exfoliating scrub, with pumice!
Henry: Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.
Shawn: That is the single most disturbing analogy I've ever heard in my entire life.

Shawn: Come on, Lassie. Show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. Come on! Go Simon Cowell! You've got the salt and pepper! IT'S NICE!

Lorraine: This is a speed dating first! [to Shawn and Juliet] You and you are a 100 percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love!
Juliet: I need a drink.
Shawn: I gotta pee.

Juliet: I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.
Shawn: Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, LEGO wants to sponsor me this year.
Juliet: Oh my, that's great.
Shawn: They also want me to wear shoes made out of LEGOs, so I'm torn.

Cloudy... With A Chance of Murder [1.12]

Gus: Look! They call her the "School Marm Murderer."
Shawn: OK, first of all, there's a question-mark at the end of that. They call her the "School Marm MURDERER?" Even the news people aren't convinced. And today at the courthouse, in the middle of the conversation, I saw her bend over, and picked up a piece of trash!
Gus: Oh I see, so she picked up somebody's Kit-Kat wrap-up means she didn't kill anybody? That makes sense.

Hornstock: My firm doesn't really believe in…
Shawn: Winning?
Hornstock: No.
Shawn: Mermaids?
Hornstock: No.
Shawn: The Minotaur?
Hornstock: No, me.

Shawn: [to Lassiter] Please tell me you're not one of those courtroom groupies that bounces from trial to trial…wait a second, was that you at the Michael Jackson hearing with the sequined glove and the shirt that said "Please free the man in the mirror"?

Shawn: Did he just say "absolutely" with a little half-smile? I'd like that printed out please, I’m thinking of shellacking it on a nice piece of maple. Maybe a little decoupage!

Shawn: Clouds don't kill people. People kill people.

Game, Set... Muuurder [1.13]

Gus: Wait a second! This is my Airwolf windbreaker! I've been looking for this for like five years now! Why did you take this? I never even saw you wear it.
Shawn: Of course I didn't wear it. I took it so you wouldn't. Don't put it on. Gus, nobody had an Airwolf jacket except Jan-Michael Vincent!

Shawn: We find the mystery lover, we find her.
Gus: Dude. Why don’t I ever get to say things like that?

Gus: I need face time with my boss; I already missed the pamper pole trust exercise.
Shawn: I'm uncomfortable with you even saying the words "pamper pole."

Shawn: Right, I'd never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program.
Gus: She wasn't lying, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.
Gus: You can't be sure of that.
Shawn: She was wearing a name tag, she had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding, and lying about hiding.

Lassiter: Scratch that, I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detectives do.
Shawn: Sweet. Just let us know when they arrive.

Poker? I Barely Know Her [1.14]

[About Shawn's private eye license]
Henry: What about your license?
Shawn: Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

Shawn: Why you dirty, filthy rascal with the suede, suede head.

Brandon Peterson: I screwed up on my own, I'm going to face him on my own.
Shawn: That's very Cameron Frye of you.
Brandon: Cameron who?
Shawn: Wow, are we that much older than you?

Shawn: Pack it in, pull the plug, shut it down, leave the dead meat in the freezer, and put on your Sunday best ‘cause its Arbor Day, baby!

[holding a poker chip to each ear]
Shawn: Shh... I can't hear them if you're talking, Berger.

Shawn: The chips say you're a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!

Henry: Oh well. Hooray for loopholes!

Scary Sherry: Bianca's Toast [1.15]

Shawn: I see a man... He's driving your car... You don't know him... He's a valet, at a mall! Wait, I see a shoe store, your father's gold card, a Jamba Juice may have been involved.
Bianca: Oh, my God, I totally went shopping today! And I passed a Jamba on State Street! You are amazing.

Bianca: Ok, here goes. This is so scary. I was lying in bed watching "One Tree Hill," my favorite show. Chad Michael Murray is so hot. And I had this cute little kitty alarm clock, it meows and blinks its eyes every half hour. So, all of a sudden, they just start blinking over and over and over, and then, it just stopped! And then, it let out this half meow: Mmmmraaa—! And then its tail fell off, and then... it exploded!
Shawn: Wow. Uhhh, slow build. Uhh, half meow? Unexpected. Didn't see the end coming at all. How 'bout you, Gus?
Gus: Uh, what? No, I can't say that I did.

Alice Bundy: And so now, on behalf of the entire suit of the broken hearts, Alice will now lop off the queen's head! [She pauses and laughs a bit] That sounded so much better out loud than it did in my head!

Gus: Dude, we actually started an urban legend!
Shawn: That's dope! [They bump fists]

Lassiter: Spencer, you realize you are the second to last person I want to be speaking to right now.

Season 2

Shawn: I'm Shawn Spenstar and this is my partner, Gus "T.T" Showbiz.
Gus: The extra T is for extra talent.

Juliet: Well, I did go to cheerleader camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.
Gus: Kicked out?
Juliet: Yeah, it's a long story. Suffice to say I don't like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head.

Lassiter: You missed something. We found prints.
Shawn: Was he in a little red corvette?
Gus: Under a cherry moon?
Lassiter: FINGER-prints!

Lassiter: I'm gonna crack her like a bad back!
Chief Vick: Please don't.

Nigel St. Nigel: I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry....This car makes me want to weep and then die.

Nigel St. Nigel: [arriving at Henry's house] Good Lord! Who lives here, the Boringtons?
Shawn: There's a better than decent chance this goes poorly.

Nigel St. Nigel: Nose hair trimmer. Invest.
Henry: Can you even remember what it felt like to be able to move the muscles in your face?
Nigel St. Nigel: Who decorated this place? Kris Kristofferson?
Henry: I built that table.
Nigel St. Nigel: Really? I'm pretty sure if I were to build a table, I would start by using wood that had never drifted.
Henry: Alright. You know... that's it.
Nigel St. Nigel: Already? I'm just getting started. I've got a sonnet for each piece of fish paraphernalia.
Henry: Oh, yeah? Well, I've got an ice-cold can of whoop-ass just sitting in that fridge!
Shawn: Actually, it's diet whoop-ass.

Nigel St. Nigel: I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy.

Sixty-Five Million Years Off [2.2]

Shawn: Is she still mad about me requisitioning the Segway?
Juliet: You did that?
Shawn: No...

Juliet: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire.
Shawn: What kind of fire are we talking about? Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial fire, or misusing the word "literally" fire?

Shawn: Where'd you get that suit, the toilet store?

Shawn: Gus, don't be a giant snapping turtle.

Shawn: You're mad.
Gus: No, I'm not mad. I'm happy. I'm thrilled. I love looking like an idiot.
Shawn: That explains your shoes.

Shawn: Don't panic. Those bites are consistent with a tyranasaurus bite.
Gus: You know that?
Shawn: Yes, I know that. [shows picture of himself in the mouth of a T-Rex skeleton] I was canned from the Wyoming National Museum for that shot. The bruises didn't go away for a year, but totally worth it. It was my best screensaver ever!

Shawn: I can play six degrees of dinosaur with you right now. [pause] You've never been in a movie with Kevin Bacon or a dilophosaurus, have you?
Gus: How about you play six degrees of kiss my ass?
Shawn: First of all, that sounds like a totally disturbing game.

Shawn: Well, look who's Mr. On Board and acting like a whacked wombat!

Shawn: [sees Lassiter and Chief Vick outside] He really is on fire! Literally.

[Gus accidentally shines a bright flashlight in Shawn's face.]
Shawn: Ah! Gus! That thing is brighter than the sun! I think you just gave me glaucoma!
Gus: You can't give someone glaucoma, Shawn.

Shawn: Doodles are the windows to the soul, Gus.

Henry Spencer: Shawn, I've been worried about you since you turned three and started eating your own toenails.

Shawn: Zippy the dinosaur! Discovered by paleo-sleuth Shawn Spencer!

Psy vs. Psy [2.3]

Lindsay Leiken: That's ridiculous.
Shawn: Is it? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume.

Shawn: I've heard of this. It's spontaneous psychic Krav Maga!

Chief Vick: Lassiter, ease up. We're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body.

Agent Ewing: If I had learned how to laugh as a child I would right now.

Shawn: I'm getting more... like five hundred thousand, which could last a whole lifetime.
Linsay Leiken: That's not possible.
Shawn: It is if you live in one of the Baltic states.

Shawn: [while making something in an Easy-Bake Oven] That depends. Are you a fan of delicious flavor?

Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds [2.4]

Buzz McNab: [obviously trying to avoid mentioning the fact that Gus is black, as the guy they're chasing after is black] Just so you know, Mauler barks at all cars, not just... blue ones.

Gus: What are we looking for anyway?
Shawn: Anything that points to criminal activity. You know... a white cloth sack with a green dollar sign. A red barrel labeled "TNT." An anvil. Anything.
Gus: [picking up a rim] Check this out!
Shawn: What, you have something? The point of those examples was to imply it wouldn't be so obvious.

Henry: Stop trying to figure it out!
Shawn: [jumping up and down] I can't help it!
Henry: Shawn, don't you dare learn a wrong lesson while I'm trying to teach you a right lesson!

Gus: I wrote the location down.
Shawn: This says "In the middle of a field". Why did you have to write that down?
Gus: The address is on the back.

And Down the Stretch Comes Murder [2.5]

Gus: Are you crazy?!
Shawn: I wouldn't say crazy... maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Shawn: [about Juliet] She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde riddle.

Juliet: Shawn, how do you know this?
Shawn: The same way that I know that as a child Lassie wanted nothing more than a pony.
[They all look at Lassiter]
Lassiter: Oh, come on. Who didn't?
Gus: Anyone who wasn't an 8 year-old girl.

Shawn: I think your shirt and his shirt should get together and go bowling.

Shawn: [about Henry's shirt] It's like a genocide of color... somewhere a rainbow is weeping.

Shawn: [Shawn walks out Henry's front door while unwillingly wearing one of Henry's ugly shirts, then comes back a few seconds later] A little girl outside just started crying when she saw this shirt.

Henry: It's a good thing we wore our lucky shirts.
Shawn: I'm just worried someone is going to stare directly at the pattern and have a seizure.

Shawn: Don't you "ehh" me. I broke up a highly intricate race fixing syndicate while wearing a shirt designed by a monkey coming off a three day sugar binge.

Meat is Murder, but Murder is Also Murder [2.6]

Henry: Oh, Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?
Young Shawn: Don't hide Gus in the pantry?
Henry: That lies always lead to more lies. Now, go to your room.
Young Shawn: I don't know where that is.
Henry: SHAWN!!!
Young Shawn: Who's Shawn?

Chief Vick: Is there something wrong with you, Mr. Spencer?
Lassiter: You picked today to ask him that question?

Chef Antonio: We just had a surprise inspection a few days ago. Is there something wrong?
Shawn: Yes, you weren't surprised enough.

Japanese Chef: You know what he called my miso? "Me so disappointed!"

Lassiter: Where is the restaurant manager?
Shawn: Probably inside managing the restaurant.

[Shawn taps his finger to his nose then points it towards Gus.]
Gus: That's what killed... That's what killed HIS NOSE!!!
Uncle Burton: What?

Gus: Shawn, your horoscopes suck. Yours are all way too specific.
Shawn: Maybe I wrote them with specific people in mind.

Juliet: "Aries: Calcium is especially important to you right now, Mr.Salt-and-Pepper-Hair-with-a-Maroon-Car. There may also be a promotion in your future. Try walking backwards through doorways for good luck."

Henry: "Sagittarius: Please return the BB gun you confiscated from your son in the second grade. P.S. You are a cranky-pants."

If You're So Smart, then Why Are You Dead? [2.7]

Young Shawn: Okay, I'm going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey guy.
Henry: [pointing to the knight] Stop! What is this piece called?
Young Shawn: I call him Dwight!
Henry: [pointing to the bishop] What is this one called?
Young Shawn: B.A. Baracus.

Shawn: It's a chance to go undercover in high school, a la 21 Jump Street? Obviously, I'm Johnny Depp; sadly, you can only pass for Holly Robinson.

Shawn: [sees Lassiter and gasps] It's a miracle!
Gus: Thank God you're alright!
Shawn: We heard a cop named Lassie died. Jules, tell me you got the flowers.
Lassiter: Lassie III was a retired police dog.
Gus: From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common: strong, dedicated, loyal.
Shawn: Bouts with ringworm, expressive eyes, goes like this after he poops. [theatrically wipes his feet on the ground]

Shockley: We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try to hit. Don't show any fear.
Goddard: Don't split any infinitives.
Shockley: Don't dangle your participles.
Gus: At least not in public.

Shawn: First the stick, then the carrot.
Gus: You don't even know what that means.
Shawn: Leave me alone.

Lassiter: [after Shawn wipes makeup off of the suspect's forehead] He's wearing makeup!
Shockley: Is he gay?
Shawn: No! Um, maybe. [pause] Look, I--I don't know.

Rob-A-Bye Baby [2.8]

Shawn: Do you realize what this means? She said Big and Top Secret! That's two of our favorite '80s movies!

Shawn: Sweet black licorice!

Henry: Well, that's a stupid house to rob.
Shawn: Does anyone live up to your expectations? Maybe we should get the robber's phone number so you can call and tell him how disappointed you are.

Henry: Nannies are criminally underpaid.
Shawn: Right, 'cause our children are our most precious resources.
Henry: Because children are maddening hellions. A great nanny can make all the difference in the world.

Shawn: Look, Jules, you've got to take your chi back, take it back! And that means doing something big, something risky. Something that will help you blow this case wide open. [gets down on one knee] Marry me, Juliet.

Shawn: I'd say that's pretty ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones in a Bond movie, but still.

Bounty Hunters! [2.9]

Lassiter: Just so we're clear, [he holds his hand high] Cops are here. [he holds up his other hand, much further down] Bounty hunters are here. [he moves the first hand directly on top of the second] And psychics are here.
Gus: Dude, we beat out bounty hunters!
Lassiter: By a knuckle.
Shawn: Where are orthodontists on this list?

Shawn: [on the phone with Juliet] Admit it, you're a little turned on by the whole bounty hunter thing, aren't you? Come on, Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. I mean, I know the psychic thing is sexy, I mean, that's a given; it's a sexy thing, but... Shawn Spencer, Bounty Hunter. It's hot. It's hot!

Shawn: Duck, it's Byrd!

Shawn: I like to call it very close talking.

Gus' Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy [2.10]

Shawn: The Christmas spirits told me to give this to you.
Buzz: Oh my goodness, a Daisy Red Ryder! I had one of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.
Shawn: Well, Merry Christmas, from me and Gus.
Buzz: Thanks, guys.
Gus: He's gonna shoot his eye out.
Shawn: Yes he is.
Gus: That was amazing. How did you know that?
Shawn: Uh, the room where I take naps shares a vent with the room where they do the psychological evals. Lassie!
Lassiter: I-I hate snow globes.
Shawn: Well, that's strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off. Merry Christmas from me and Gus! [turns to Juliet] Mr. Mittens says it felt just like going to sleep and he doesn't hold it against you at all. Kitty heaven? It's just like East Beach.
Juliet: That is the best news ever.
Gus: Merry Christmas, from both Shawn and--
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, this is a very special gift that's clearly just from me. Don't appropriate. Not at Christmastime.
Lassiter: Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?!

Shawn: We went almost three hours without having an argument.
Henry: It's our best holiday in years.

Shawn: Ah, Mr. Mitchell.
Mr. Mitchell: Yes.
Shawn: My name is Shawn Spencer--
Mr. Mitchell: I'm not interested in any fake vacation packages, I'm not giving you my social security number so I can gain the grand prize, and I'm not paying for any damn subscriptions for magazines that I know I'll never see! [slams door closed]
Shawn: I am the head psychic of the Santa Barabara Police Department!
Mr. Mitchell: [door opens again] Oh. Come on in, then!

Shawn: My name is Shawn. This is my partner, Scoony "U-Turn" Singleton
[Gus draws an uppercase "U" with his fingers]

Shawn: We call that a Sammy Floyd's Treehouse Shortcut Ambush.

There's Something About Mira [2.11]

Shawn: [annoyed] Your best man was a goat? Gus! I was supposed to be that goat!

Shawn: Just call me the suck-stopper. No, wait. Don't ever call me that.

Mrs. Gafne: I like my wine the same way I like my men. White, and hairy.
Shawn: That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness!

Mira: [to Gus] You are so sweet.
Shawn: Yep, he's sweet, alright. His head is like a chocolate covered honeydew.

Gus: Are you trying to tell me you went skydiving with a rabbi?

The Old and the Restless [2.12]

Henry: What the hell are you guys doing here.
Gus: This is the part where you get blindsided with Plan B. It's kinda fun when it's not happening to me!

Security Guard: How the hell did you two get in here? You're coming with me.
Gus: I don't think so!
Shawn: [flashing badge] BAM! Say it with me: VIS-I-TORS BAAAADGE!
Gus: Do something. I dare you!
Security Guard: I'll be watching you.
Shawn: We'll be gettin' watched!

Gus: You can't get Indian blood from working in a casino, Shawn.
Shawn: Maybe you can't.

Shawn: Dude! That rock is sprayed with arterial red!
Gus: Maybe it's roadkill. Taste it.
Shawn: Dude, what is up with that? Every time I cut myself you were like "taste it, lick it, it'll make it feel better."
Gus: It will. Taste it.

Old Lady: [in a dance-ready pose with Gus, but standing still] Spin me! [neither moves] Marvelous!

Shawn: Well, at least that gives us the "how". Now we just gotta figure out the "why", which reminds me, Gus, will you please get us those tickets for The Who?
Gus: Where?
[They point to each other]

Lights, Camera, Homicidio [2.13]

Gus: He was a Hollywood guy. Used to write on Blossom. Decided Spanish soap operas were a better reflection of the human condition.
Shawn: Obviously, he didn't write the Blossom where she adopted a chimp and hit the road in an eighteen-wheeler.

Gamalobos: She beat me up.
Gus: I hardly think there's a woman capable of that!
Shawn: Bea Arthur?
Gus: I stand corrected.

Quintessa Gabriel: When you're done upstairs, can you go in the garage and get my nail gun?
Shawn: ...QUE?

Gus: [about Shawn's acting in the telenovela] Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but... I think it lacks some passion.
Shawn: Passion...?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Do you have any idea how many pages we shot today? Eighty-three! And I'm getting by with the Spanish I learned from Charo on Love Boat.

[after his father Henry berates him for his evil deeds on the telenovela]
Shawn: I'm Shawn. Those are things that my character, Chad, did. I play him on TV. It's Shawn. Shawny. Look into your boy's eyes: it's me, Papa. [puts his hand on Henry's shoulder]
Henry Spencer: [pushes Shawn's hand away] Don't be an idiot. I'm not one of your fans. I barely even like you.

Dis-Lodged [2.14]

Young Gus: I don't need you and your misplaced prepositions!

Shawn: My dad is a lying liar from Liarsburg!

Shawn: Look, this is the lodge radar. And look! This is me, flying under it. Ca-Caw Ca-Caw! And look! This is Gus. He can't fly.

Gus: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?
Shawn: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
Gus: That was Tom Hanks in The Terminal!
Shawn: Same difference.

Shawn: My God! Did you see who that was?
Gus: It's hard to see anything with someone's knee in your eye!
Shawn: It's your own knee!

Black & Tan: A Crime of Fashion [2.15]

Security Guard: I'm sorry. I can't let you guys in.
Shawn: We're on the VIP list. Perhaps you recognize us as the modeling team Black and Tan.
Security Guard: Last names?
Shawn: No last names. One of us is Black and one of us is Tan. Just check the list.
Security Guard: Wow. It's really you. Right this way, Tan.
Shawn: Excuse me? I'm Black. He's Tan. I can't believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.

Lassiter: I'd rather shower with a bear.

Henry: Should I take her to Crab Shack Willy's or The Third Wharf?
Shawn: Those can't possibly be real places.

Shawn: Let's crash a funeral.

Gus: Do not get up there and start winging it! That's not how we operate.
Shawn: Dude, where have you been for the last two years?

Shawn: You said it was important. [surveying Henry's tight black turtleneck] Clearly, you're about to shoot an Old Spice commercial.

Shawn: Remember Dad, you treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again.

Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead [2.16]

Shawn: Queen Nerfertitty.
Juliet: Nefertiti.
Shawn: I've heard it both ways.

Gus: Paleo-Sleuth Shawn Spencer?
Shawn: I know.
Gus: I dug that thing up too!
Shawn: Gus, believe me, I was appalled by myself for a second, really, but then I noticed, look, they didn't forget you completely!
Gus: Where?
Shawn: There! Right there! At the "photo by" section.
Gus: That is "photo by BRUTON GASTER"!
Shawn: Well, I gave 'em the info when I was driving through a tunnel so that probably played a role.

Gus: You can talk all you want, but facts and logic will win out this time.
Shawn: Facts and logic are in the corner of the guy who thinks he's going to get his face melted off?

Gus: [mocking Shawn after his phone is muted] Look at me, look at me, I love my hair! I can make obscure ’80s references that nobody understands. Laugh at me, ha ha ha! Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it!

Shawn: What is wrong with this flag?
Gus: Everything.
Shawn: Besides that.

Gus: The sign says "Do not touch", Shawn.
Shawn: [while taking off the sign] Not anymore!

Henry: I've been leaving messages on your phone.
Shawn: Yeah, I sort of dropped my phone.
Henry: Well, what'd I tell you about taking care of your stuff?
Shawn: You know what, you're right. First my tricycle out in the yard, now this--I see a pattern developing here.

Shawn: Dude, he took that van!
Film Girl: The mummy?
Gus: Great, now we got a mummy on the loose and the son of a bitch knows how to drive a stick?

Shawn: I don't think anybody's here.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: Fairly to pretty damn.

Season 3

Ghosts [3.1]

[1995: At the Santa Barbara Police Station, Henry is seen forcefully escorting Shawn inside. Shawn is handcuffed.]
Shawn: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for that "World's Greatest Dad" mug back.

Gus: Shawn? What the hell are you doing here?
Shawn: I should ask you the same question.
Gus: I work here!
Shawn: I should ask you a different question.

Shawn: Oh, my God. This isn't a joke. You're really quitting Psych?
Gus: I am so sorry, Shawn.
Shawn: In a text message, no less?!

Shawn: Is that hot chocolate?
Haversham: It's Dutch cocoa. Hadewych makes a pot for me each night before she leaves.
Shawn: I see. Mr. Haversham, in order to fully understand the connection that you have with this ghost, I will need to see what you see. Wear what you wear. Drink what you drink.
Haversham: You're saying you'd like some hot chocolate?
Shawn: With marshmallows, please.

Shawn: Mr. Haversham, it is my belief that we have done all there is to do here tonight.
[Lights in Haversham's House flicker rapidly]
Shawn: Tomorrow we will look into the history of the house, see if there's anything there that can help us.
[Lights malfunction again]
Shawn: Just don't have any leads at this point.
[Lights malfunction a third time]
Shawn: So, I think we should all pat each other on the backs for a job well done so far. Reconvene first thing here in the morning for a nice farmer's breakfast.
[Lights malfunction again]
Shawn: I have dinner plans with my mother.
[All lights turn off.]

Shawn: [after Haversham's dog jumps on the window] That dog is kind of an A-hole.
Gus: I think he sees something.
Shawn: Yeah, urine stains on my pants!

Murder?...Anyone?...Anyone?...Bueller? [3.2]

Lassiter: [about his date] We met at the Santa Barbara Bowl at the Ravi Shankar concert last week, and she asked me out on a date.
Gus: Who goes to someone else's reunion when they barely even know them?
Shawn: Who goes to a Ravi Shankar concert?

Juliet: If Chief Vick knew I was running names for you guys, I'd lose my ass.
Shawn: We definitely don't want that to happen.

Shawn: Good talk, Dad. I gotta run. Actually, there is one more thing. Do you think I could borrow your underpants? Just for ten minutes.
Henry: ...What?
Shawn: Oh, come on! These are iconic film references I'm making, here!

Shawn: Mindy, it's official: you've won bitchiest banana.

Shawn: If I were just some average guy with no super powers I'd say [muttering dumbly] "I dunno; why are you asking me?" But as the head psychic for the Santa Barbara Police Department I say "I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

Daredevils! [3.3]

[Carlton is talking to a woman in his car during a stakeout]
Juliet: What are you doing?
Lassiter: Oh, I'm just talking to your friend Blair here. She... she's great. We have so much in common.
Juliet: She's not my friend.
Lassiter: What do you mean? You didn't send her down here to meet me?
Juliet: No. I don't invite friends to dangerous stakeouts. But I know her. She's a professional.
Lassiter: [to Blair] Please tell me you're a hit-man.

Gus: Excuse me, what happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well, we can't talk about it for legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said that, "It ain't decapitation if the head don't come off all the way."

Shawn: Life insurance policy?
Gus: It doesn't make any sense.
Shawn: Tell me about it. ...Dude, seriously, tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.
Gus: You never could understand legalese.
Shawn: Oh, really? Remind me who it was who set up our Psych 401(k)s?
Gus: Oh, you mean our 601(k)s? Because India doesn't have 401(k)s.
Shawn: It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made, like, 500 rupee.
Gus: That's thirteen dollars.

Shawn: They call this a motorcycle show? There's like four motorcycles here. They don't even have the bike from Blue Thunder.
Gus: That was a helicopter.

Shawn: ...[Dutch] jumped Springfield Gorge.
Gus: That was Homer Simpson.

The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable [3.4]

[in the interrogation room]
Henry: We didn't do anything wrong; we didn't break any laws. Oh, no! Oh, no! What-- What did you do Shawn?
Shawn: Nothing. It's just that laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all. For example, did you know that it is now illegal to give a possum a perm?

[In the interrogation room]
Shawn: Don't I get a phone call or something?
Lassiter: No.
Shawn: Fine. How about a text message? I'll be quick, I just need to respond "OMG LOL." Here's a question: how do you make a face that's winking with the tongue coming out one side?

Vick: Let me be frank.
Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
Gus: Why do I always have to be Sammy?
Shawn: Fine, he's Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? You want to be Joey Bishop?
Juliet: SHAWN!
Shawn: Jules, how often does someone set you up with "Let me be Frank"?
Juliet: Shawn, don't forget that you are in a lot of trouble here and I am probably the only person in this room who cares to see you get out of it. Now it's 2:30 in the morning; we've been here for hours. Enough with the jokes; stop delaying and tell us what we want to hear!
Shawn: [turns to Gus stunned] Oh, my God, that was so hot.

Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer—
Henry/Shawn: [together] Yes?
Vick: Oh, I meant the older... Sorry, not old... less...
Shawn: Handsome? Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose...

Shawn: This is the best shake on the planet. One part ice cream, two parts awesome!

Disco Didn't Die. It Was Murdered! [3.5]

Shawn: I got roped into doing a silly interview with The Independent. They've been calling me, begging, for weeks, and I finally relented.
Reporter: You called me.
Shawn: And you called me back, which means we're both right.

Shawn: The important thing is that you got your cover story.
Reporter: Actually, it's page 64.
Shawn: It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?

Chief: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
Chief: No! And frankly, I could care less.
Gus: Now that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say "I could care less" when they really mean "I couldn't care less"?
Chief: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
Gus: You split an infinitive.
Shawn: Good catch, Gus!
Chief: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
Gus: That was perfectly elocuted.

Henry: I'm a tax-paying, voting citizen, therefore I have a right to speak to any elected official, such as the DA, I please.
Shawn: You don't have to be a... tax-paying voting citizen, do you?

Derek Ford: You're sure your father doesn't want to come inside?
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. He's clinically insane. And a biter.

Lassiter: Spencer, I'd appreciate in the future if you'd just play with your life.
Shawn: Oh, come on, Lassie. If Derek hadn't caved, I would have just deactivated [the bomb] myself. It's very easy, you just clip the red wire and the green wire at the same time.
Juliet: Uh, Shawn, there is no green wire.
Shawn: Really? Well in that case, we all would have died.

There Might Be Blood [3.6]

Young Shawn: Hey, Dad. We're prospecting for oil. How was your day?

Gus: I can't get over it. After all this time the chief never said she had a sister.
Shawn: Strange.
Lassiter: And such an alluring sister at that.
Shawn: Creepy.

Shawn: Gus, don't be a myopic chihuahua. I have a full-proof plan that not only solves the case, but gives the chief all the credit.
Gus: What is it?
Shawn: Actually, all I have is the phrase "I have a full-proof plan." Beyond that, I'm wide open.

Shawn: Don't you see what's happening here, Gus? We are merely pawns in a bitter sibling feud.
Gus: I'm nobody's pawn, Shawn. I'm a queen.

Shawn: I have an idea, but we'll need cool names.

Gus: What part of "stay put" is confusing to you?!
Shawn: The "put" part. "Stay put"? I wasn't put in the first place, Gus! The expression is a complete disaster!

Barb: OK, enough, the painfully cute mugging is starting to get on my nerves.
Gus: What are you, Entertainment Weekly?

Talk Derby to Me [3.7]

Chief Vick: Oh, and this is a typo, right? $800 for skates?
Juliet: Would it help if I told you the other pairs weren't cute at all?

Shawn: They stole a DVD of Spanglish, clearly they were not after the merchandise.
Gus: That's not exactly hard evidence, Shawn.
Shawn: Thank you, Professor No Help.
Gus: What?
Shawn: I'm sorry, did you miss that? Maybe I should have said "MC No Help" or "Doctor Do Nothing" because you're bringing nothing to the table!

Gus: I never thought I would hear you say that.
Shawn: Even more than "sinkhole sissy-feet flapjack go-go boots"?

Shawn: You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You’ll get picked up for mopery.
Gus: Mopery?
Shawn: With intent to creep. Trust me, it’ll kick a big hole in your future.

Shawn: My name is Shawn Spencer; this is my partner... I can't believe I'm blanking, I've done this a million times.

Shawn: Oh, thank God!
Gus: Thank God? It's a dead person!
Shawn: Yeah, but it's not Juliet.
Gus: It's still a human being, Shawn; it's Westwood. What's the matter with you?
Shawn: You're saying you'd rather it be someone we knew and care about? Fine, next time I see Jules, I'll just tell her you wish she was dead.

Gus Walks into a Bank [3.8]

Gus: You're not coming in? You're gonna make me stand in that deposit line all by myself?
Shawn: Nope, buddy, I will be with you in spirit. Like a tiny wood nymph. Besides, what's your glitch with the ATM machine anyway?
Gus: It's a people thing Shawn. Business should always be done face to face.
Shawn: Well, if you remember, I'm holding a bit of a grudge against this particular banking institution.
Gus: Why? Because they turned you down for a small business loan last year?
Shawn: Yes, because they turned me down for a small business loan! That was completely legitimate, Gus.
Gus: Shawn, it was for a zip line pulley system to transport snacks from the kitchen to your desk.
Shawn: Or the reception area. What's your point?
Gus: Part of running a business together, Shawn, is sharing in the responsibilities of the business side of the business. Like making deposits.
Shawn: What about the "bidness" side? Because I feel like I'm more of a "bidness" man. Who's covering that?
Gus: You know what? Fine. I'll do it myself.

Shawn: And... cut! Great, dripping with swagger! Let's go again though, and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile just a bit.

Shawn: Eight pies, four of them are vegetable. [Turns back from the bank]
Luntz: Is this guy for real?
Shawn: No pepperoni?! Really?! Plus the blatant disregard and utter criminal lack of ham and pineapple. What kind of a good faith negotiation is this? I mean, this is a hostage negotiation!
Luntz: Well, I don't care if you're not happy with the ingredients. Put the pizzas down and walk away!

Gus: We're in a hostage situation, Shawn. You don't get that?
Shawn: I do get it. What I don't get is the bulletproof vest over the shirt. What is that?

Shawn: You know I'm not really a regular person, right, Phil?
Phil: What does that mean?
Shawn: 'Cause I tried once and failed. I'm just too unique and interesting. The French call it "du fromage," which, roughly translated, means "of cheese."

Christmas Joy [3.9]

Shawn: Told you so. Touché.
Gus: You can't touché yourself.
Shawn: Sure I can. Your bad.
Gus: It's not my bad. You can't "my bad" for someone else.
Shawn: Yeah, but you ain't mad at it, though. Know what you saying?

Henry: Well, fooling around with your best friend's sister certainly wasn't your most brilliant idea.
Shawn: No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle. [pause] I think I peaked too soon.

Six Feet Under the Sea [3.10]

Gus: Are you wearing sweat pants?
Shawn: These are my sneaking around pants. Don't be jealous, I got you a matching pair.
Gus: You're dressing up for her.
Shawn: Dressing up? Dude, I'm wearing sweats and this ridiculous lime-green jacket.
Gus: That's my lime-green jacket, Shawn. And it's only for players.

Shawn: [spelling] T-H-E...S-E-A...L-I-O-N.
Lassiter: Thesealion? Is that French?
Gus: Pinniped.

Lassiter: I'm gonna kill you, Spencer.
Shawn: I never told you that the victim wasn't a sea lion.

Shawn: Gus, don't be exactly half of an eleven-pound Black Forest ham!

Shawn: Ahoy, there! Um, yes. Right. Um, my name is Shawn Spencer. This is my first mate, Hummingbird Saltalamacchia.

Boat Guy: What are you guys doing out here?
Shawn: Oh, you know. Just, uh, hiding from sharks. You know, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on so we kicked ours off.
Boat Guy: Uh, that's not how sharks work at all.
Shawn: Regular sharks. Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically-altered, shark-like beasts here, in this area of the water. They can smell the light.
Gus: They also type.
Shawn: True. Not well, but they're sharks, with fins... so it's still impressive.

Shawn: You wanna be hawk-eye or crow's nest?

Shawn: And I've been doing something I liked to call "stalling". And Rutger Hauer calls "schtalling".
Jack: Why?
Gus: Because he's Dutch.

Lassie Did A Bad, Bad Thing [3.11]

[Henry wraps a tie around Shawn's eyes]
Young Shawn: Did you get me a piñata?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Pepsi challenge?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Am I being executed?

Shawn: It's just stupid, that's all. I mean, if he didn't have any hair then no one had any business calling him Fuzzy Wuzzy."
Gus: They were being ironic, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah, but he wasn't fuzzy, was he?!
Gus: No, he wasn't! Irony, Shawn!
Shawn: My point precisely!

Gus: I'm still not convinced, Shawn. How can you be absolutely certain that Lassiter didn't shoot Chavez?
Shawn: It's relatively easy, Gus. I decided to be and therefore I am. Socrates said that.
Gus: No, that was Descartes.
Shawn: That was the cologne we wore in high school.
Gus: That was Drakkar Noir.
Shawn: No, that is a wine.
Gus: That's pinot noir.

Shawn: What are you, the Great Gatsby? Going to do a little swan-watching with Daisy Buchanan later?
Gus: Wow, how did you come up with that one?
Shawn: Eighth grade summer reading, whaaaat.

Lassiter: Are you gonna help me or not?!
Shawn: Of course we are. You're like our brother.
Gus: [winces] Eh.
Shawn: Stepbrother?
Gus: [winces] Eh.
Shawn: Weird kid who lives down the street and eats nothing but mayonnaise on Saltines?

Gus: Before we get started we always like to ask a few preliminary questions. Standard stuff.
Lassiter: Okay, fire away.
Gus: Okay, um. Let's see, one: Did you kill that guy?

Shawn: Lassie, good news: we got you a grape one.
Lassiter: I told you, I don't want a Popsicle.
Shawn: Ah, I guess we'll have to share this one.
Gus: How do you share a Popsicle?
Shawn: I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick, you take a lick, I take a lick--
Gus: It's yours.

Shawn: Looks like it's stealth mode for us, partner.
Gus: Stealth mode? Hit The Jackal switch!

Gus: Did you know that before he stabbed a guy, he was a life coach?
Shawn: Who would hire him as a life coach?
Gus: The guy he stabbed!

Shawn: I can't believe you actually thought that text was from me. It lacked all nuance, my signature mocking tone, and was utterly devoid of emoticons.

Earth, Wind and... Wait For It... [3.12]

Henry: Can you even name a famous fireman?
Young Shawn: Smokey the Bear?
Henry: First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he's not real. Number three, HE'S A BEAR! He takes his poops in the woods, is that what you want?

Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
Shawn: Irrelevant! And, immaterial.
Lassiter: Chief, you're not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
Vick: Mr. Spencer...
Shawn: He's making a mockery of these proceedings! All I'm saying is that she's making a very compelling argument.
Morgan Conrad: You're an idiot.
Shawn: That's less compelling. Move to strike.
Morgan Conrad: Please remove him.
Lassiter: Gladly.

Lassiter: A dead body changes things.
Shawn: That's his email signature.

Shawn: Guys, please. Can we come up a term that covers both a killer AND an arsonist? How about "arsassin"?
. . .
Lassiter: I want our killer--
Shawn: Arsassin! Or karsonist?
Gus: Arsassin.
. . .
Shawn: We have found our arsonurderer.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Firearsman.
Gus: Uh-uh.
Shawn: Señor pantalones del fuego?
. . .
Lassiter: This could be our killer.
Shawn: Furderer.
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: Fire murderer...furderer.

Gus: Do you see a bruise on my chest from all that CPR?
Shawn: All I see is chocolate with hair on it.

Gus: And they don't even have a dalmatian here, Shawn.
Shawn: Would you stop with the dalmatians already?
Gus: I'm just saying. It would be nice to see one in its natural habitat.
Shawn: They're not indigenous to firehouses, Gus.

Shawn: It's harvest season, Pa. And Jeb can't work the plow. You know he ain't been right since he come down with the consumption!

Shawn: So, kiddies, always remember to put out your cigarettes when you're finished smoking them.
Teacher: Excuse me!
Shawn: Uh, I mean, uh, don't smoke, uh, in bed. Or in restaurants. Or in caves.
Teacher: No smoking, absolutely no smoking.
Gus: And don't listen to anyone who says that a pipe is cool, because I'm telling you it is not.
Fire Chief Dan: Get out, get out, get out!

Shawn: I accidentally mixed up Fire Chief Dan’s phone with mine. They're similar shapes and my hand was in his jacket pocket.
Gus: You stole his phone?
Shawn: He was throwing us out! Gus, I plead the third.
Gus: The third amendment is no soldier can live in your house against your will. You mean the fifth.
Shawn: Yeah, I've heard it both ways.

Gus: I plead the Fifth.
Shawn: Mmm, element, dimension, Beatle?
Gus: You can't plead Billy Preston.

Morgan Conrad: Are you sure?
Shawn: I'm Al B. Sure watching Diane Schuur apply Sure roll-on while viewing The Sure Thing.
Morgan Conrad: That's pretty sure.
Shawn: That's all-day sure.

Henry: I warned you, Shawn, fire fighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off of the pole!
Shawn: And you succeeded, Dad, in every conceivable way.

Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central [3.13]

Juliet: Google "missing foot"? That was your plan?
Lassiter: Well, not all of it.

Shawn: How do I look, Jules?
Juliet: Like my 11-year-old nephew in his Peyton Manning pajamas.
Shawn: Your 11-year-old nephew is ruggedly sexy? That's weird.

Shawn: How do I look?
Gus: Like an idiot.
Shawn: Sweet.

Gus: You know what they do on those massage tables? They massage men. Big, hairy men. Let me be very clear: these hands are not touching anybody. I only use these hands to touch myself. ...Uh, let me rephrase that.
Shawn: Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.

Truer Lies [3.14]

Shawn: How can you tell that someone's a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming their pants aren't on fire.

Shawn: Does this ring a bell? "No, Shawn, I have not had any naughty dreams about you." And, "Yes, Shawn, I do wish Gus was never born so that I could be your partner."
Gus: What?
Shawn: True story.
Gus: That's messed up.
Juliet: I never said that, Gus.

Ryan: The night before I went to this restaurant to get a basket of these things called "fries quatro quesos dos fritos"; you know, the ones where they inject potatoes with a four-cheese mixture, fry them three quarters of the way, pull them out, batter them, fry them again, and then serve them with bacon and a nacho chili sour cream? Anyway, as I was sitting there, a car speeds right through the storefront across the street. It makes such a loud noise I had to turn my head and look and that is when I overheard the guys with the curlicues on his face tell the other guy in the corner table about the assassination plot.
Shawn: Can that be true?
Gus: No way.
Shawn: I mean, is that even possible?
Gus: I couldn't imagine it!
Shawn: There's no way they could prepare a fry like that; that'd be way too much for the... for the human palate to manage!
Gus: It would be a flavor seizure.
Chief Vick: Gentlemen, please, don't be ridiculous.
Shawn: The Chief's right; let's just, just take a minute here to think this through. [pauses] They must be parboiling the potato first.

Gus: Is this about pride?
Shawn: I got these jeans at a garage, not a garage sale, a garage. Clearly pride is not an issue for me.

Ryan: I don't know if it's enough, but I did overhear a time a place and a name.
Gus: Come again.
Ryan: I know who, what and where.
Shawn: Ryan, that... that's everything we need to know. That's all of it. Why didn't you just say that in the first place?
Ryan: Because no one would let me.
Shawn: That's true, Gus, that's very true.
Gus: Yeah, I got that, Shawn. Just go ahead Ryan.
Ryan: The time was 10:00.
Shawn: 10:00.
Ryan: To 4:30.
Shawn: 10:00 to 4:30.
Ryan: Yeah.
Gus: A six hour window? What do your killers work at the cable company?
Shawn: It's okay. What's the place?
Ryan: 420... 420 something. I didn't get a street name or an apartment number, but the address definitely has a 420 in it.
Shawn: Hmm.
Ryan: But the name I have.
Shawn: Perfect, what is it?
Ryan: Tom.
Shawn: Tom?
Gus: You wouldn't happen to have a last name, would you?
Ryan: Come on, guys! I can’t do everything for you.

Shawn: Gus, don't be this crevice in my arm.

Juliet: Are you alright?
Shawn: Yeah, of course I am, why?
Juliet: Well, we got the message that you were at the hospital. Something about life and death.
Shawn: Oh, right, that. Well, we are in a hospital and, as it happens, it's filled with both life and death.
Gus: I knew I should have left that message.

Shawn: What about Ryan's assassins?
Lassiter: You should call either the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. If you get in trouble, I'm sure they'd be happy to help.
Shawn: First of all, Bigfoot and I haven't spoken in five years. Six if you don't count his cousin's wedding, which was literally like, "Hey, B!" "Blerrrgh."

Gus: Where's Leiber?
Juliet: Gone. Looks like he's on the lam.
Shawn: If he's on a lamb, he won't get far. Alpaca, different story. Those things really fly.

Tuesday the 17th [3.15]

[Shawn's piñata has been nailed to the door with a noose around it]
Shawn: What are you thinking man, children walk by here every day, carrying their hopes and dreams.

Clive: Hi, I'm Clive. I'm hilarious and I have no girlfriend.
Juliet: Hi, I'm Juliet and I'm a cop.
Clive: Nice rejection. Very clean.

Shawn: You two are officially my least favorite tag team of all time!
Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table?
Shawn: Wow! You just made that reference!

[During a game of strip cribbage]
Gus: You still have your shoes and socks on! Do you even know how this game works?
Shawn: Oh!
Juliet: Wow.
Shawn: Boy, Billy, I will give you everything in Gus' wallet if you put your pants back on.
[Lights go out and Billy stands up]
Gus: Dude, please cover your junk.
Shawn: Allow me to introduce yourself. Jetta girl, maybe green, backseat loaded with empty Pinkberry cups.
Waitress: Wrong! I drive a Jeep. A black Jeep. But you're dead on with the Pinkberry.

Shawn: What's your point, man?
Gus: My point is you're going to be eighty years old and still shamelessly hitting on waitresses. Is that what you want?
Shawn: Is that a trick question?

Gus: I want some pancakes. Who wants pancakes? Whipped butter, maple syrup-- what?!

Gus: Hey, everybody! Look how big I am compared to this airplane!

Shawn: Gus, don't be the last of the international playboys.

Mary: [upon being asked why he's a guy named Mary] My father's name was Mary and his father before him was named Mary and his father before him was named Craig.

Juliet: I am clearly not as good with words as you are, and I know that things between us have been...a little complicated...and that there have probably been some mixed signals, mostly from me, with regards to the time we spend together outside of the line of duty.
Shawn: Look, Jules, y--
Juliet: [interrupting him] Just, please, let me finish stumbling through this, I'm almost done. I promise. What I'm saying, is that I think maybe the best things, the...richest things, aren't supposed to come easily, and that sometimes the moments that make the most sense happen when everything else doesn't, and, well, I-- [pauses] I think you deserve more than popcorn tonight.
[long pause]
Juliet: So why don't you let me take you to dinner?
Shawn: Detective O'Hara, are you asking me out on a date?
Juliet: I am. [pause] A proper one.
Shawn: [exhales] Wow. [laughs in disbelief] I cannot believe this. All this time, and... your timing is just awful.
Juliet: It is?
Shawn: Yeah, just dreadful.
Juliet: [confused] What?
Shawn: I can't go to dinner with you, Jules, I'm already on a date.
Juliet: What, here?
Shawn: Yeah, right now. It's w-- [stutters] It's weird, it's a little weird, but, uh...yeah. With Abigail.
Juliet: The one that got away.
Shawn: Yeah.
Juliet: [kisses him on the cheek] Get out there. She's not gonna wait forever.

Season 4

Extradition: British Columbia [4.1]

Lassiter: Are you in my apartment?
Shawn: Please. I haven't snuck into your apartment in weeks. Which reminds me, you're all out of peanut butter.

Shawn: The thing is this: I am a psychic.
Gus: We work for the Santa Barbara Police Department. We've solved over forty-seven cases. I'm also a pharmaceutical rep, if that means anything to you.
Shawn: You've seen The Mentalist, right?
Robert: Yes.
Shawn: It's like that.
Gus: Except that guy's a fake.
Shawn: Right. If I was a fake psychic, it would be eerily similar.
Gus: Exactly the same.
Shawn: A virtual carbon copy.

Lassiter: Can you believe that? A high-ranking member of U.S. law enforcement not being allowed to carry his weapon on him?
Juliet: Did you really think it wouldn't set off the metal detector?
Lassiter: I've got to get my hands on a gun, O'Hara. I have enemies everywhere. Maybe I can pick one up at the hotel.
Juliet: Oh, absolutely, right downstairs in the gift shop. They have Kleenex, mixed nuts, and 9-millimeter Lugers.

Shawn: [writing list on napkin] Okay, here's what I'm going to do. First, I'm going to get me some of that maple candy that everyone seems to be raving about. Then, I'm going to purchase myself a walking stick. Preferably something with a ram's head carved into the handle. And finally, we're going to catch ourselves an international art thief. I'm not saying I'm sure it's going to be you, but right now, you're the top of the list.

Shawn: I'm so sorry about this; my assistant makes all my reservations but she's been under heavy medication. She was recently diagnosed with parvo.
Hotel Clerk: Isn't that a dog's disease?
Shawn: Yes, yes, it is. My assistant is a Golden Retriever, adorable but dim. Her whole keyboard is just three big buttons. She has very large paws. I should have fired her years ago, but she's a rescue and I just didn't have the heart.

Shawn: I want to see your book.
Robert: My book?
Shawn: Yeah, the one with things that Despereaux might steal.
Robert: But nobody ever wants to see my book.
Shawn: I do; I want to see the book. I'm also going to eat these waffles.

Shawn: Man, I thought you were so cool. But you're just here to look the part. This whole time I'm thinking, This guy is Thomas Crown. You're barely Remington Steele.

He Dead [4.2]

Shawn: [talking about the ATVs] Note to self: Get one of those for the office.
Gus: I hope you have a plan as to how we're gonna find this crashed plane. And I hope that plan doesn't end up with us being eaten by a bear.
Shawn: Don't worry, Gus. We have a secret weapon.
Gus: A larger bear-eating bear?

Shawn: No, no, Mr. Clayton! Open your eyes!
Gus: Watch out, Shawn! I know what to do. Mr. Clayton! Mr. Clayton! What interesting sectors do you see outperforming the market this year?

Shawn: Mrs. Clayton, I'm receiving a psychic transmission from your husband. It's really more of a voice mail, if I'm being honest. A status update. Perhaps a Twitter.
Gus: I believe it's called a tweet.
Shawn: There's no way I'm saying that.

Mrs. Clayton: No wait, I'm really quite shocked.
Lassieter: You are?
Mrs. Clayton: Yes, it just doesn't show on my face because of years of Botox.

Gus: Shawn that is revisionist history and you know it.
Shawn: I guess you had to be there.
Gus: I was there.
Abigail Lytar: It's OK, Gus. When he embellishes--
Gus: Lies.
Shawn: Clarifies!
Abigail: --it lets me know that he cares.

Nyna Clayton: You believe in karma, don't you?
Shawn: Yes, but that's only because we are karma chameleons.
Gus: We come and go.

High Noon(ish) [4.3]

Sheriff Hank Mendel: Hell, I wasn't even gonna call you out here but Binky insisted.
Gus: Binky?
Hank: Oh. You don't call him Binky?
Shawn: We do now!
Lassiter: Sheriff Hank, why don't you tell the boys what the problem's been here.
Hank: Well, it started out as simple vandalism. Somebody's been stealing our wood from sidewalks, buildings, fence posts.
Shawn: Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers, but I'm not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler elves.

Shawn: Have you ever seen this vandal?
Hank: I've felt them.
Shawn: Was that in an appropriate way?

Gus: [grabbing his cell phone] I'm out of here. I'm calling a cab.
Hank: Well, those things don't work out here. We got no TVs, no radio, no refrigerators.
Gus: Sounds like prison. Except they have all those things.

Shawn: I'm just saying, technology is way overrated.
Gus: That's interesting. Just yesterday you told me you intend on having your wedding in space.
Shawn: And that hasn't changed!

Lassiter: What the hell is going on here?
Shawn: This is called 19-card stud.
Gus: Regular poker is too complicated. It makes it easier to get pairs.
Shawn: Plus anything with a picture is wild.
Lassiter: Why aren't you two out interviewing suspects, or feeling the walls, or whatever the hell it is you do? At least do something!
Shawn: Man, I tried. I did. These people are kind of mean. It's a tough racket being sheriff, Lassie. Besides, I gotta go gun down that Stinky Feet fellow in about 20 minutes.
Gus: Stinky Pete.
Shawn: You wouldn't understand; you've never killed a man.
Lassiter: Yes, I have.
Shawn: Yeah, but you've never pretend killed one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.
Gus: Two times now.
Shawn: Yep, both times.
Lassiter: Well, while you two were sitting here playing Cowboys and Indians...
Shawn: Uh, uh, just Cowboys, Lassie.
Gus: Playing Injuns is offensive.
Lassiter: I didn't say Injuns, Guster.
Gus: That's what I heard.
Shawn: Me too.

Shawn: There's got to be a logical explanation for where that horse and rider disappeared to.
Gus: I got one for you. The next dimension
Shawn: Really, Winston Zeddemore? That's what you believe?

Shawn: I think I broke my back, and my neck, and my arm.
Gus: That's nothing, I just bruised my coccyx.
Shawn: Say what?
Gus: You know what I mean.
Shawn: I certainly do not.
Gus: When I get home I'm definitely going to have to rub oil on my coccyx.
Shawn: Gus, please, that is disgusting.
Gus: What? A deep tissue massage is definitely what my coccyx needs.
Shawn: Would you stop saying that word?!
Gus: Coccyx? That's what it's called Shawn!

The Devil's in the Details (And the Upstairs Bedroom) [4.4]

Shawn: Burton Guster, you randy little spaniel!

Lassiter: Kiss my sweet... [nun walks by] biscuits.
Gus: I don't know if you made that any less offensive.

Shawn: I look up to Brett Favre, doesn't mean I believe everything he says. [pauses] Alright, that's a bad example. It's those tearful press conferences, man. They get me every time.

Mary: Do you think it could be PTSD?
Shawn: I'm afraid this is far more serious than a mere menstrual issue.

Shawn: What are you saying? That he has a hunch based on unverifiable information?
Gus: That's what you use to solve every case!
Shawn: Okay, that stings. It's true, though.

Shawn: What else did he say?
Gus: He did say he's been getting strength through a particular proverb...
Shawn: Alright, fine, let's do a quick list: 'You can't teach an old dogs new tricks', 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush', 'If it's brown flush it down...'

Shawn: [in confession] I've been stealing food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Oniniña.
Gus: [listening from outside] I knew it, I knew it!

Shawn has the Yips [4.5]

Shawn: I don't lose things. I place things in locations which later elude me.
Gus: That's the same thing as losing it.
Shawn: Maybe to those without the nuance chromosome.

[Lassie has been confined to the conference room]
Shawn: Hey, Lassie, the frozen yogurt guy's out front, did you want to go get one? Oh, wait, you can't.
[Lassiter takes off his shoe, and throws it at Shawn and Gus as they run off]

Henry: I saw the shooting on television, I've been trying to call your cell phone. It keeps going to voice mail. I've been worried to death.
Shawn: I... forgot to turn on my phone.
Henry: Gus, let me ask you something. What was the very first thing you did right after the shooting?
Gus: I called my folks to tell them I was okay.
Henry: And what's the first thing he did?
Gus: He ate a banana.
Henry: [to Shawn] You ate a banana.
Shawn: I sure did. You know why? Because it makes me think of you, because you're my big old papa monkey.

Bollywood Homicide [4.6]

Shawn: Gus, don't be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan.
Gus: It's Azkaban.
Shawn: I've heard it both ways.

Shawn: I'm sorry, but was this chicken seasoned with molten lava?
. . .
Shawn: I can't see out of my left eye.
Gus: I see dead people.
. . .
Shawn: Even the water's spicy!
Gus: Who does that?!
. . .
Shawn: Alright, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's stupid that you people eat food this hot.
[Everyone stares at him]
Shawn: [aside to Abigail] I said "no offense", right?

Shawn: I solve a case every week. And usually one around Christmas.

High Top Fade Out [4.7]

Gus: How do you not have a black suit? What kind of grown man doesn't own a black suit?
Shawn: Besides me, the Joker, Colonel Sanders, Matthew McConaughey--
Gus: McConaughey doesn't count, he doesn't own a shirt.
Shawn: He doesn't need a shirt!
Gus: You know that's right.

Shawn: Man, I wish I could have known you when you were black.

Joon: Oh man, he is not even hearin' it, much less feelin' it!
Shawn: Gus, I think it's clear to the three of us that you're neither hearing it nor feeling it; what I can't discern is: are you mad at it?

Shawn: Don't be the American adaptation of the British Gus.

Tony: Because that's what they do!
Joon: Who's they?
Tony: Them!

Joon: He shoulda just played dead, man. I always said that's what I would do if someone was tryin' to kill me. Just play dead! I mean they'd be like, "We're gonna kill you!" and then I'd be like, "Dead." Then they'd be like, "Oh, he's dead, let's go kill somebody else," and then they would leave.

Shawn: [looking through a carefully-placed gap in some books on a desk, which show a woman bending over the copier] Your boy liked big butts and I cannot lie.

Let's Get Hairy [4.8]

Shawn: Jules.
Juliet: Sorry, Shawn, no time for your tomfoolery and silliness.
Shawn: Actually we were just--
Juliet: That also goes for your nonsense, malarkey, and shenanigans.

Shawn: Gus, don't be the third Thompson twin with the dreads.

Shawn: Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing?

Juliet: We're just trying to figure out what we're dealing with here. Two men are dead and tonight's another full moon. [look of disbelief] I can't believe I just said that.

Gus: Yeah, and Skip here has romantic dreams about firemen that look like Dolph Lundgren.
Shawn: [laughing] What?! I... you cheeky screwball. What'd I tell you? He's wacko.
Gus: No. You said it was late and you were in the firehouse and you slid down this large pole...
Shawn: Why? Why?

Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark [4.9]

Henry: How do you escape when you're locked in the trunk of a car?
Young Shawn: "When"? Don't you mean "if" as in like maybe never?
Henry: Not today, kid; your survival training begins right now. [throws Shawn into trunk of his car as their neighbor walks by and looks scandalized]

Lassiter: Have at it. Who knows, maybe you'll solve the great ice cream crime caper of the century?
Shawn: Crime of the century, huh? Still have 91 years to solve that one. Gus and I are gonna pace ourselves. We accept.

Bad Guy: But know this: one stupid move, and I've got more than enough plastic bags for your body parts.
Shawn: Note to self: call Hefty with commercial idea.

Henry: Think you can pick up the pace, Mr. Viability?
Lassiter: There's an excellent chance I was bitten by a tick back there. I could be going through the beginning stages of Lyme disease.
Henry: Man up, Detective
Lassiter: What is it? Steroids, right? You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it.

Shawn: Look at you, buddy! You're like Vin Diesel!
Gus: That makes Jules Michelle Rodriguez, and you Paul Walker!
Shawn: This is no good!
Gus: Don't worry, Shawn, you're gonna be alright!
Shawn: I know I'll be fine. I just really don't wanna be Paul Walker, not even for one day.
Gus: You could be Lucas Black from Tokyo Drift, but then we wouldn't be in the movie with you!
Shawn: That's weird. I--I'll just be Walker.

Shawn: Look man, I have been shot! I am jumping on somebody's car!

Lassiter: [to Henry] Spencer, what the hell are you doing?!
Shawn: Which Spencer are you talking to?!
Lassiter: Doesn't matter, you're the same person!
Shawn: AM NOT!

Lassiter: [to Shawn] Nice shooting, Detective.
Shawn: Did you just call me detective?
Lassiter: No.

You Can't Handle This Episode [4.10]

Henry: [about an army commercial] Look at everything they're getting done while you're laying here slacking off. What does that make you want to do when you grow up?
Young Shawn: Hmm. Go into advertising? That's a really catchy jingle. Seriously, I can't get it out of my head.

Lassiter: Did you bring a date to the crime scene?
Shawn: It was either this or ice skating.

Shawn: Major General.
Major General Felts: Yes?
Shawn: Oh, I got nothing. I just like saying that. Those two words in sequence. "Major General". Try it, Gus.
Gus: I don't want to, Shawn.
Shawn: Just say it!
Gus: I don't want to!
Shawn: Dude, say it.
Gus: Major General! [smiles]

Major General Felts: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated on my base!
Shawn: Is there another type of idiocy that you would be more comfortable with?

Shawn: Ew, how many men would you say you've killed?
Jules: Shawn!
Shawn: Of the four of us, your brother is the only one who's probably killed a man, unless we're counting accidental deaths, in which case Gus would be in running.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: You don't have to defend yourself.

Shawn: What is this?
Ewan O'Hara: That is an anti-tank weapon, and you're pointing it at yourself.

Thrill Seekers & Hell Raisers [4.11]

Gus: The thing is, I have something big to tell you.
Shawn: You know you can say anything to me, Gus. We've known each other forever and there's absolutely nothing that could dent our impenetrable bond.
Gus: I have a secret girlfriend.
Shawn: You're dead to me.

Shawn: Gus, don't be the new Meshach Taylor.

A Very Juliet Episode [4.12]

Chief Vick: I don't mean to sound like a hard ass.
Juliet: You didn't!
Chief Vick: I did.
Juliet: I didn't get that at all.
Chief Vick: Actually I was trying to sound like a hard ass.
Juliet: Mission accomplished!

Shawn: Oh, my God. Are you in the vault of secrets right now?
Gus: No.
Shawn: You are! It's settled, I'm helping.
Gus: You're not helping. Period. Suck it!

Lassiter: Okay, so here are my findings. Turns out Juliet's boyfriend was working for a company owned by the infamous J.T. Waring.
Gus: Who?
Shawn: Come on, Gus, she wrote all the "Harry Potter"s.
Gus: That's J.K. Rowling, Shawn.

Shawn: Gus, don't be the "iiiiiiiit" in "wait for iiiiiiiit".

[Shawn and Gus are visiting a mobster in prison]
Shawn: My name is Shawn Spencer, well-known psychic detective, and this is my associate, Burton Guster.
Gus: Now you use my real name?!

J.T. Waring: Do you understand about honor, Mr. Spencer?
Shawn: Of course I do. I have a bootleg copy of Saving Private Ryan at home.

Death is in the Air [4.13]

Shawn: I also put my favorite piece of art back on the wall.
Gus: It's not art, Shawn. It's a poster of a hot blonde laying on a Corvette that says "Haulin' Ass."
Shawn: Well if it's not art, why did I insure it for half a million dollars?
Gus: Because you're an idiot.

Lassiter: I'm not big on nude handshakes.

Shawn: Speaking of disasters, doctor, what is your opinion on Detective Lassiter's hair?
Doctor: Well, scientifically, if he were to grew it, his ears wouldn't stick out as much.

Shawn: I can't reach my back pocket. You'll have to punch me in the ass.
Gus: You must be out of your mind.
Shawn: Sock me in the butt.
Gus: No, Shawn.

Gus: I still smell like stinky nuts!
Shawn: Gus, we don't have four hours to riff on that.

Think Tank [4.14]

Shawn: My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner--
Snoden: Burton Guster! Or should I say "Gee Buttersnaps" or "Lavender Goons" or "Clementine Woolysocks" perhaps?
Shawn: Wow! You are a fan!
Gus: Or a crazy stalker. "Gee Buttersnaps" was said on a secure military base with no one else around.

Shawn: Independent contractor, does that mean she was a...
Gus: A hit-woman? Yes.
Shawn: So I probably shouldn't...
Gus: Yes, don't even think about it.

Gus: If it's any consolation all of his ideas stank.
Shawn: Stunk.
Gus: Stank!
Shawn: Stinkaded?

The Head, The Tail, The Whole Damn Episode [4.15]

Shawn: Really, Buzz? This is the thanks I get for giving you a cat and finding a guy to remove your Baha Men tattoo?

Gus: I've seen it all.
Shawn: You've seen it all though the cracks in your fingers while you were hiding your eyes.
Gus: I want you to call me "Guts".
Shawn: We all call you that.
Gus: No, Guts, Shawn.
Shawn: What? What are you saying?
Gus: Guts.
Shawn: You're saying "guts"?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: That's too close to "Gus".
Gus: Never mind; call me "Old Ironside".
Shawn: Michael Ironside?
Gus: Old Iron Stomach, that's me.

Juliet: Carlton, you can't solve a case in four minutes.
Lassiter: Can't I? I think I can. I've seen it done.
Juliet: Not by you.
Lassiter: Thanks for that.

Lassiter: There is a piercing in the skin.
Juliet: There are lots of them. It's a shark attack.

[Lassiter is upset over a newspaper article]
Juliet: It's The Courier. It's not even a real newspaper and besides, nobody reads the paper these days anyway.
Lassiter: Why didn't you stop me?
Juliet: I don't know, I guess I was busy RSVP'ing my invitation to shut it.
Lassiter: Sorry about that.

Gus: Don't you watch the news?
Shawn: I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.

Juliet: [referring to a missing person] We found his car.
Lassiter: Wow! Nice! I'm still kind of talking to the sea trash.
Juliet: It's in the parking lot!
Lassiter: This parking lot?
Juliet: Yes!

Shawn: Gus wants to know if your boat has cable. It's the season finale of Leverage and his TiVo's on the fritz.

Shawn: I believe it's uh, it is a harem of seals.
Tanner: Haaaaaah, I've heard it both ways!

Juliet: Look at this letter I found in The Courier from last month.
Lassiter: The Courier? No. I would rather French kiss a hobo than read anything in that rag.
Juliet: Wow. A simple "I don't like the writing" would have made your point.
Lassiter: I'm sorry O'Hara. That paper is not allowed in this station.
Juliet: So you are going to ignore a clue because you don’t like a reporter?
Lassiter: Hate! Hate is the word, O'Hara. And yes. No good can be found in that paper, except maybe the obituary of reporter Chad Gorsuch.
Juliet: Really?
Lassiter: An untimely death. Self-inflicted and painful, later to be referred to as "gorsuching yourself." No! He's on a respirator and dying slowly. Wow, that was very therapeutic. I actually feel quite better. What do you got?
Mary Lightly: Don't go, Shawn. You will regret it.
Shawn: Good luck with the Creepy Arm Grab Awards this year, Mary; I think you have a real shot at winning.

Shawn: We're here to ask you one simple question.
Yang: The answer is yes, Shawn, they do allow conjugal visits, but I think we'd have to get married first.
Mary: I am a fully ordained minister.
Gus: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

Gus: So there really is a Yin to her Yang.
Yang: If you think I'm sick, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Lassiter: (After almost being run over by a plane) Arrest that fat kid!

Mary: I wanted to be heroic.
Shawn: Oh, Mary, with a flare gun?

Season 5

Romeo and Juliet and Juliet [5.1]

Shawn: My results speak for themselves; you just hold me to a different standard!
Henry: I do not!
Shawn: You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.
Henry: And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.
Shawn: Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered with bricks and broken glass!
Henry: That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you!
Shawn: It took me three weeks to "close the egg investigation." I was eight!
Henry: Yeah, well, just so you know, there are still two eggs you haven't found.
Shawn: You're sick!

Lassiter: You are free to believe what you want.
Shawn: Please don't say that to Gus. Now he'll just tell you that Michael Jackson isn't dead.
Gus: He learned how to fake his death from Lisa Marie.
Shawn: Which implies that Elvis is still alive.
Gus: Elvis died two years ago. Is there no end to your gullibility? I told you that two years ago. He was a cashier in the shoe shop, Shawn.

Gus: We need information on counterfeiting Hong Kong coins.
Shawn: And Chinese mafia.
Gus: And we need you to explain the ending of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to us.
Ken: What? What, you think that 'cause I'm Asian, I'm supposed to know all this stuff? That's borderline racist, man.
Shawn: Racist? No, I don't think so. Inappropriate?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Insulting?
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Stereotyping?
Gus: Sure.
Shawn: Not racist.
Gus: Maybe a little racist.
Shawn: Gus, please. Now, Ken? How many Triads do you know, and/or are you one of them?
Ken: Wow.
Gus: Okay, that definitely crossed the line.
Shawn: Just tell us what you know and we will get out of your parents' house.

Gus: New rule. From now on, any cover story or fake I.D. must be run past me and approved.
Shawn: Approved.
Gus: In writing, three days in advance.
Shawn: Gus, you're kidding, right?
Gus: No, Shawn; I need the proper amount of time to concoct my alter ego that best complements yours in a situation.
Shawn: I don't know where I'm going to be living in three days.
Gus: That's the deal, Shawn. Take it or leave it.
Shawn: [introducing Gus to a stranger] So, he is a pharmaceutical salesman who moonlights at his psychic detective agency.... Look, if this was Saturday, I would have a much better story.

Shawn: Holy crap, are you checking your email?
Gus: I get productive when I'm nervous.

Juliet: What now, guys?
Shawn: You know Romeo and Juliet, right? DiCaprio and Danes?
Juliet: It's a play, too.
Shawn: Sure it is. What if I said Bekki Chiang got mixed up with the Triads - the Golden ones - and fell in love with a Dragon? She didn't get kidnapped; she's out there making kissyface with her guypal!

Feet Don't Kill Me Now [5.2]

Gun: I believe that people who carry guns should do what their therapists say.

Juliet: I am itching to get back out into the field, even if it means babysitting Shawn.
Shawn: Babysit? Really, Jules? Come on.
Juliet: Shawn, what have you done today?
Shawn: Well, let's see. I watched some Phineas and Ferb, took a nap, had a snack. I'm a little tired.
Juliet: Exactly.
Shawn: I just want to beat Lassie and Gus!
Juliet: And catch the killer.
Shawn: Sure, yeah if that's what it takes.

Shawn: Gus, get with the times. It's 2008.
Gus: It's 2010.
Shawn: Heh. Nice try. That would mean we're at war with the machines!

Shawn: Your negativity is clogging up my psychic signals. Do you mind keeping [the incredibly flirty receptionist Tanya] busy while I attempt to unclog them?
Juliet: And how am I supposed to do that?
Shawn: Gus would turn into Smooth Gus and try to pick her up.
Juliet: I am not hitting on a girl!
Shawn: Why, does that scare you? Or does that not scare you? And does that scare you?

Lassiter: Guster, you gotta grow up. People have sex and they kill each other. That's the real world. Not some magical "feelings" place.

Juliet: Whoever said work was supposed to be fun?
Shawn: Ron Jeremy, for starters.

Shawn: Woody, in your professional opinion, how do I die?
Woody: Murder. Gangland-style execution, we never find your head.
Shawn: That's a shame.
Woody: [to Gus] You slip in a tub.

Shawn: [Speaking to Tanya] These are cops, this [pointing to Gus] is Deon Richmond--
Gus: No, I'm not.
Shawn: I'm a psychic. I see things and I feel things.
Tanya: Do you wanna feel what you see?
Shawn: I can't lose with this girl.

Not Even Close ... Encounters [5.3]

Juliet: You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry.
Lassiter: Better him than the neighbor's cat. [lets Henry out of the locked police car]
Henry: I coulda suffocated in there!
Lassiter: Please, I cracked a window!
Henry: I'm glad Shawn peanut buttered your phone the other day!
Lassiter: I knew that was him!
Juliet: GUYS!
Lassiter: I still have Jiff in my ear.

Shawn: Roy... May I call you Phil?
Roy: I'd rather you didn't.
Shawn: Fair enough.

Roy: What are you guys, UFO chasers?
Shawn: Nothing as ridiculous as that. We're psychic detectives.

Shawn: The only thing that we were blinded by was--
Gus: Science!
Shawn: Never gets old.
Gus: Nope.

Dennis: Why did he just tilt his head and squint?
Gus: It's his I-got-a-clue face.

Shawn: [to Gus] Have you been seeing clues this whole time?!

Gus: We want to know what you found in his stomach.
Woody: The object was a flash drive.
Gus: Now when you say flash drive, is that coroner code for an alien embryo that hatches in people's ear?
Woody: No, that's the word starfish.
Shawn: Thanks, Woody. You stay creepy.
Woody: You know I will.

Shawn: Guess who is now the proud owner of this home, along with the 700 similar ones that make up this tiny town.
Gus: Shawn, if you say us, I'm gonna punch you in the face.

Shawn: What is the world's coolest truck doing here?
Gus: Whatever it is I highly suggest we do not touch it. [Hears truck start and looks up to see Shawn in the driver's seat.] Shawn!
Shawn: Gus, the keys were already in the ignition. What was I supposed to do?
Gus: Not start it.
Shawn: Well, it's not that easy.
Gus: Actually it is.

Chivalry Is Not Dead ... But Someone Is [5.4]

Lassiter: Come on, chief, let me run with this one.
Henry: [seated in a corner] What if we let them work together? Separately, but together?
Shawn: [pointing at Henry] That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.
Gus: Am I the only person that's freaked out he's been sitting there the whole time?

Henry: You're not afraid of the competition, are you Shawn?
Shawn: Of course not. As long as it doesn't involve people trying to best each other.

Prescott: May I ask you a personal question?
Shawn: Sure.
Prescott: Have you ever been tested for idiocy?

Lassiter: What the hell are you wearing, Spencer?
Shawn: [disguised] I ain't Spencer; I'm Soupcan Sam.

Lassiter: She's obviously meeting a new boy toy. Maybe one even younger than the last.
Gus: Younger? Who do you think she's meeting with, Justin Bieber?

Shawn: Look at that Gus, he's literally taking her to the bank.
Gus: What's the next stop, the cleaners?

[Shawn slams a jar of pennies on the counter to get Prescott's attention]
Prescott: What are you gentlemen doing here?
Shawn: I'm here to see my money. They keep it in a special room in the back, with a trampoline. I'm gonna roll around in it for a while, maybe make it rain. Sort of like that movie Indecent Proposal. Except no sex. Maybe sex!

Shawn: You just pressed my competitive button and now it's on.
Prescott: I'd be frightened, if you were wearing any buttons.

Prescott: [reading a letter] "...signed Shown Spencer." You misspelled your name.
Shawn: I did that on purpose.
Prescott: No you didn't.
Shawn: You're right, I was in a hurry and I didn't have spell check.
Prescott: You need spell check for your own name?

Shawn: The truth is, I want to change, I need to change.
Prescott: You got that right.
Shawn: I want my father, on his deathbed, four, or five years from now, to look at me and say, 'That, that is the man that I raised.' And I want him to be pointing at some other guy, because that means that maybe, just maybe, I am not his biological son.

Shawn and Gus in Drag (Racing) [5.5]

Lassiter: You're not going anywhere on this, Spencer, because you're not on this case.
Shawn: Understood. DAAAAAD!
Henry: They're on the case.
Lassiter: Henry!

Lassiter: What do you even know about street racing anyway?
Shawn: Only what we learned from The Fast and The Furious. Soooo, everything.

Lassiter: I don't collect dolls.
Paget: You look like the kind of guy who does.

Shawn: I'm Shawn, and this is my associate, M. C. Clap Your Handz. [Gus claps his hands.]
Gus: With a Z.

Tommy: Is this your ride? [Henry's pickup truck] Seriously?
Shawn: She may look like hell, she may sound like hell, she may run like hell, she may smell like hell--
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: But she is fast as HELL.

Gus: Are we dead?
Shawn: I'm not. But if you are, can I have the $6,218 that are in your rainy day money market account?
Gus: How do you know exactly how much money I have in there?
Shawn: Wild guess.

Gus: Why are you singing Lassiter's danger music?
Shawn: It's catchy.

Viagra Falls [5.6]

Shawn: I'm having a clear vision on a cloudy day.

Shawn: I'm a psychic, not a palm reader.
Boone: What you are is 172 pounds of we don't give a damn.

Shawn: Gus and I never know when to throw in the towel.
Gus: We're always ready for the next round.
Shawn: Ring the bell.
Gus: Ding, ding.

Peters: How did you know she was lying?
Shawn: I'm a psychic, Peters.
Gus: How did you know she was lying?
Peters and Boone: [in unison] She's a woman.

Ferry Tale [5.7]

Shawn: [in a hostage situation] Why don't you let the women, and children, and men, go?

Shawn: We gotta do something to let them know they can trust us. Gus, give him the nod!
Gus: Shawn, the nod only works when it's me giving it to a brother behind the counter at Jamba Juice, not to an armed convict!

Shawn: [Craig tells them about thief Percy Dunn] Percy Dunn the lightning thief!
Gus: No, that's Percy Jackson, Shawn.

Craig: Now, let us go forth and kick much ass. Craig 1:1.

Shawn 2.0 [5.8]

Shawn: Look, there's a reason those books have sold almost 30 million copies, Gus.
Gus: Mostly to teenage girls.
Shawn: And adult males who enjoy reading stories about vampire doctors and their dysfunctional dating lives. You're one to talk, Mister "I bought Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! on DVD."
Gus: There were 15 deleted scenes, Shawn. Fifteen!

Shawn: Who the gug is that guy?

Shawn: Criminal profile, huh? Sounds like one of those job titles that only exist in cheesy TV shows.
Declan Rand: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I'm a psychic detective.

Juliet: Are you asking me out next to a dead person?
Shawn: Yes. But I thought it would be okay, since it doesn't really smell.

Juliet: Shawn, hey!
Shawn: Heeeeeeeey! Jules!
Juliet Why are you talking like that?
Gus: Sometimes he over-enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.
Shawn: [over-enunciating] I do not.

Henry: Check out his resume.
Gus: He has a masters in psychology and criminology from Harvard? AND an MBA?!
Shawn: Get outta here. He's got a Monkey Basketball League?

Shawn: Let's go have a conversation with our favorite weirdo.

One, Maybe Two, Ways Out [5.9]

Gus: I told you that newspaper thing was a dumb idea.
Shawn: Are you at all serious? We just captured a dangerous international spy and you're hung up on the newspaper bit?
Gus: No. I'm hung up on the fact that you've been obsessed with this woman this whole time, she makes the ultimate move on you, and you shut her down. That makes no sense! Are you crazy?
Shawn: I know it doesn't make any sense. Maybe I am crazy. All I can tell you is that... just now, in that moment, all I could think about was Jules. I just can't wrap myself around the fact she's dating Declan. Actually, it's actually killing me.
Gus: Shawn, that is not fair.
Shawn: I know. I know it's not fair. And you're right. She likes this guy, who am I to stand in the way?
Gus: Exactly.
Shawn: You think I don't want her to be happy? I want her to be happy. But-- serious Shawn moment here-- I want to be happy too, and for some reason I can't imagine that happening without Juliet.

Shawn: Take lots of pictures. Not of sights. Don't take pictures of buildings. Take pictures of moments, because that's what matters.

Extradition Part II: The Actual Extradition Part [5.10]

Shawn: Gus, don't be both Ashlee Simpson albums.
Gus: There were three Ashlee Simpson albums.
Shawn: That can't possibly be true.
Gus: Autobiography, Bittersweet
Shawn: I will not do this with you right now!

Gus: I will eat you in manageable, bite-sized pieces.

Pierre Despereaux: Have you guys ever seen those Batman movies? [takes out a grappling hook gun, shoots it in the air onto the roof, and disappears] Toodle-oo!

Shawn: Can I just say what I came here to say? I have a motorcycle.
Juliet: Yes, you do.
Shawn: And you know what? It is the purest form of freedom that I have ever experienced. You zip through traffic, park anywhere, you certainly don't have to help anyone move. Easily the best purchase I have ever made and I have never regretted it, not for one minute.
Juliet: I get it, you love your motorcycle. Is there a point to this?
Shawn: Yes there's point. Point is, since I've met you (pause) I've been thinking about getting a car.
Juliet: You're not thinking something practical, or sensible....
Shawn: No, I'm not throwing in the towel altogether. (Shawn and Juliet in sweeping romantic kiss)

[Shawn and Juliet are making out in the rental car and a cop taps the window]
Juliet: You know what? Maybe now's not the time; I have a flight in an hour.
Shawn: Wait a minute, I have a room! A really nice one. Paid for by a convicted criminal.
Juliet: Why do you tell me these things?
Shawn: Full disclosure!

In Plain Fright [5.11]

Shawn: Okay, just go with me here for a second. I know this is gonna sound crazy but what I'm thinking is we don't go to opening night of Scare Fest. We go next week maybe sometime in the afternoon when its not crowded at all.
Gus: Are you kidding? I spent the entire week finishing my route early. I took a vacation day.
Shawn: Oh, no, Gus, why would you do that?
Gus: You asked me to.
Shawn: When?
Gus: The day they announced that they having Scare Fest again.
Shawn: I don't recall that.
Gus: I have your speech as a video file on my Blackberry, Shawn.
Shawn: Alright, okay, enough with all the technology. Look, the truth is it's my horoscope: it says I should avoid places with urinal troughs and I just don't feel I can take the risk right now. I'm sure you understand. [Gus sobs quietly]
Shawn: Are you crying?
Gus: I'm disappointed, Shawn.
Shawn: God. [Gus continues to sob]

Shawn: Ken!
Ken: No way.
Shawn: Yes way. In a big way. Can I have your keys?
Ken: What?
Shawn: I just saw a guy get killed.
Ken: Where?
Shawn: In the murder room at the haunted house.
Ken: Isn't that what's supposed to happen?
Shawn: Real guy, real murder.
Ken: Did you tell anyone?
Shawn: We told Carol. But she was so busy texting with Bad Grammar Todd that she didn't care.
Gus: Will you let that go?
Shawn: "Bitchin'", Gus. "Bit-Chin." It's the only word I insist people get right. Otherwise, you're saying it's bichin which is Chinese for "too much face." Isn't that right, Ken?
Ken: Seriously, dude. I already told you last time: six words. Now why don't you just go tell somebody else?
Shawn: We're telling you, Ken, and you wanna know why? Because it's high time that we got the team back together, man. This is the type of big money case that will allow us to hire back our best Asian assistant ever. 3 Ninjas, Mega Mountain, reunited and it feels so good.
Ken: I like that song.

Shawn: Are you in?
Ken: I'm out.
Gus: So am I.
Shawn: I didn't ask you.

Shawn: Gus, don't be the only black lead on a major cable network.

Eve Asher: When I heard two boys snuck onto a ride, I wasn't expecting this.
Shawn: Why, because he's black?
Gus: What are you doing?!
Shawn: I'm playing the race card.
Gus: Even if that was OK for you, you're playing it wrong.
Shawn: I doubled down.

Gus: Wait a second, you're mad at me for not being mad?
Shawn: I'm shocked at you for not being shocked!
Gus: That owl is made entirely out of cinnamon!
Shawn: Which means it is both wise and delicious.

Shawn: Oh, Sheriff. Didn't expect to see you here.
Sheriff Andrew Jackson: I live here. What do you mean?
Shawn: Of course you do. You're Randy's father. Yes, wow. You guys have Bob Barker, Doc Gooden, and Randy Jackson, all living in the same inlet town with no cars, cell phones, or internet.
Gus: Shawn, we need to pitch this to Mark Burnett!

Maudette Hornsby: Isn't cherry the best?
Gus: The best what?
Maudette: Everything, silly.

Shawn: We're not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn't been.
Gus: No.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Gus: Always.

Shawn: Labradoodle!
Gus: Where? [turns the other direction to look]
Shawn: [kisses Juliet]
Shawn: [to Gus] We should go.
Gus: I didn't see any Labradoodle, Shawn.
Shawn: You weren't looking very hard.

We'd Like to Thank the Academy [5.13]

Shawn: And injury-free since June, when Gus broke his finger flipping the injury countdown calendar.

Gus: [to Lassiter, after pulling him over] Have you been drinking, sir?
Lassiter: That's it!
Shawn: Sir, if you don't calm down I will be forced to tase you in the face.
Lassiter: You don't have a taser.

Lassiter: I have an educated guess, that's 100% accurate. Officer Conforth here froze like the North Pole, because when some men look danger in the eye they blink. Repeatedly. Like they're staring into the sun.

Juliet: [teaching the PIT maneuver] Mr. Spencer, a word.
Gus: I think you might be in trouble with the teacher.
Shawn: I sure hope so.

[After Juliet locks Shawn and Gus in the back of the police car]
Shawn: That's why she let us come along, so she could keep tabs. That crafty little doodle pumpkin.

Gus: [wearing a police uniform, selecting doughnuts in a store] I don't know if it's this uniform, but I've never craved doughnuts more.

Chief Vick: Okay, where is Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Chief, I'm afraid that what we may be dealing with is an, um, I.B.S. situation. I don't know if you've seen the commercials.
Chief Vick: I've seen the commercials.
Shawn: Well, then you know it can be spotty--
Chief Vick: Oh, God, please, stop talking!

Shawn: Well, I'm tight with Chris, and [Gus] loves Dickie.
Gus: What?!


Shawn: You do realize this is the ending to True Romance?
Gus: That was a massacre, Shawn. Everybody died!
Shawn: That's not true. Christian Slater and Patty Arquette made it out alright.
Dickie: And Michael Rappaport!
Shawn: Good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.

The Polarizing Express [5.14]

Lassiter: If I weren't a cop, I would shoot him in a dark alley and leave evidence suggesting certain people were behind it... And when I say I, I mean a fake, imaginary detective to be played by Powers Boothe.

Shawn: Oh, God. Oh, Dude, it reeks in here!
Tony Cox: Like Bigfoot's ass.

Tony Cox: Wait for iiiitttt!

[after waking up from a dream]
Shawn: Oh, brown snowman Gus... I think I'll miss you most of all.

Shawn: I loved you in Y Tu Mamá También.
Juan Lava: I'm a Cuban American in my thirties. Those guys were Mexican teenagers. Played by guys in their twenties.

Shawn: I'm just getting started, you giant cockroach. You know what? That was out of line. I apologize to cockroaches everywhere, especially Jiminy Cricket. Although for the first time in over thirty years, it occurs to me, he might be a cricket.
Gus: Of course he's a cricket.

Dead Bear Walking [5.15]

Shawn: [to Lassiter's sister] Hello! I'm Shawn Spencer. This is my partner Radio Star. I'm afraid your video will kill him.

[Shawn is hiding a bear which is accused of murder]
Juliet: Where's the bear, Shawn?
Shawn: What would possibly make you believe I have any idea where this bear is?
Juliet: Well, um, first off, someone called in a tip about a tiny blue car driving an enormous trailer down Mariposa. Secondly, I am dating you and I know when you're lying. And third, there are like three hundred packets of tartar sauce on the doorstep.
Shawn: I appreciate your concern. I'm gonna start watching my cholesterol.

Juliet: Just so you know, if you go to prison, Shawn, I will not wait for you!
Shawn: You won't have to, I'll escape; we both know that.

Shawn: I'm the cream in a crying sandwich.
Shawn: If I had to choose, I would die execution style, by firing squad.
Gus: First of all, no one's asking you to choose. And secondly, why that? It's brutal and violent.
Shawn: I know. But I would select all my shooters personally. George Carlin. Abott, or Costello, or whoever the fat one was. Richard Pryor, Adam Brody, all the comedy greats. How funny would that be?
Gus: It wouldn't be. You'd be dead.
Shawn: Why do you gotta take it to a dark place?

Shawn: Meat Is Murder by The Smiths; 1984, Van Halen; both missing.
Juliet: Are you sure?
Shawn: Of course I'm sure; they're clearly in order.
Juliet: Tears for Fears, Depeche Mode, Thompson Twins. What order were you using?
Shawn: Sweetness.
Juliet: Men Without Hats is sweeter than Echo & the Bunnymen?
Mr. Yang: More importantly, where are Devo and Talking Heads in all of this?

Gus: Uh, what is going inside the syringe?
Shawn: Gus, do you really want to know?
Gus: Yes, Shawn. I'm very particular about what goes into my body.
Shawn: It's probably safe to assume it's something lethal. Is that accurate?
Yin: A box of Mars Bars to you, Shawn.
Yin: Now to answer your question, Burton, what we have here is a little concoction I affectionately coined, The Last Kiss. One part cyanide, one part strychnine, two parts atropine, and just a shake--not stirred--of boat cleaner. And it's all for you.
Shawn: That's not gonna work. I can't watch him die, you'll have to kill me first.
Gus: You must be outta your damn mind if you think I'm gonna sit here and die after watching you die with some ridiculous grin on your face because you're thinking of sopapillas, or that stupid scene from Summer School where the students all pretend to be dead. [to Yin] And do you have just the one needle? Do you plan on sterilizing in between uses?
Shawn: Surely you can't be serious.
Gus: I don't know where all you've been, Shawn!
Yin: Only Burton gets the needle. I have something far more colorful in mind for you, Shawn.
Shawn: Firing squad? Please say firing squad.

Shawn: Why did you pick me in the first place?
Yin: Because you were pretty good. And you were interesting. You had a black sidekick and that felt fun.

Yin: I never loved you.
Yang: I know.

Shawn: I'm trying to tell you that I would protect you.
Juliet: And I would protect you right back.

Season 6

Shawn Rescues Darth Vader [6.01]

Shawn: Sorry, I was too busy James Bonding it up in here.

Shawn: This kid has Matel Electronics Football 2! The one where you can throw passes! Suck it hyphens!

Gus: What happened?
Shawn: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Gus: What do you think?
Shawn: [imitating Darth Vader] I am not your mother.
Gus: He didn't say that, Shawn. What's the bad news?
Shawn: DRIVE!!

Lassiter: Partners do not lie to each other, because partners put their lives in each other's hands.

Shawn: Dude, I just got us diplomatic immunity. What do you wanna steal?

[Lassiter hooks up Shawn to a polygraph machine]
Lassiter: First question. What is your name?
Shawn: There is a murderer on the loose.
Lassiter: That is not your name.

Shawn: Alright. Can I get out of here? I've just about solved this case.
Lassiter: ONE question.
Shawn: If it will make you happy.
Lassiter: I think it will. [Pause] Are you psychic?
Shawn: Excuse me?
Lassiter: Are you, Shawn Spencer, psychic?
[Everybody is silent, Shawn looks up toward his father for help.]
Henry: You're gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

Last Night Gus [6.02]

Shawn: Please explain to me again what we're doing here. As opposed to doing anything else in the world.
Gus: We're paying respects to a man who dedicated his life's work the police department, Shawn.
Shawn: Oh, please! You don't know Jim.

Shawn: Oh, my gosh! You disgust me! You make me sick to my face.

Gus: What happened last night?
Shawn: Strangely, I have no idea.

Lassiter: Oh, dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.
Woody: Calm down, Peaches. Come back to bed.

Shawn: [pointing to Lassiter's gun in the fish tank] Uh-oh!
Lassiter: MY BABY!! [picks up gun and pauses for a minute] It's missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight.

Chief Vick: Detective Lassiter, why are you wearing sunglasses at an autopsy?
Shawn: Chief, if I may. Lassie spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all autopsies moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Gus refused because he has no value for human life.

Lassie: I think I'm gonna turn myself in.
Shawn: What, for spooning with Woody?!
Woody: We did nothing wrong.

Shawn: What about me fellas? I'm not having any psychic visions, or flashbacks, or recreation flashbacks OR recreation flashbacks with new psychic visions. Imagine you weren't just a bland, gangly average human, huh? That you could wink at someone and-and-and light up their world! That you could make a child think you have given them an ice cream cone without giving them the cone! And then watch them skip off into a beautiful meadow licking nothing but AIR! Imagine that! Imagine that you have a special gift, a sixth sense and someone or something comes along and RIPS it away from you! IMAGINE THAT, JACK! And do you see me giving up?
Lassiter: Okay, Shawn. Okay. Damn it, I cannot believe I'm saying this, but men, we are in this together!

Woody: Guster, your cholesterol is really high.
Shawn: Man, I told you eating something called "stick of butter in a bun" was a bad idea!
Gus: I can't help it, Shawn, my body craves buttery goodness.
Shawn: You're buttery.
Gus: You know that's right.

Chief Vick: Does someone want to explain to me what happened last night?
Lassiter: Okay, I just want to go on record and say I was on that couch first.
Chief Vick: I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.

Chief Vick: ...and Henry Spencer, where are your pants?
Henry: I'm not entirely sure, Karen.

This Episode Sucks [6.03]

Gus: Sookie is mine!

[Shawn and Gus have just appeared dressed as vampires]
Shawn: I can't help being a gorgeous fiend. It's just the card I drew.
Juliet: What. In the hell. Are you wearing?

Shawn: Look around. You're the fish out of the water here.
Juliet: Because they're all pretending to be dead, Shawn.
Shawn: Or perhaps it is us who pretend to be alive.

Gus: Charlatan!
Thorn: Look who's talking. Count Chocula over here; please.
Gus: Count Chocula? You must be out of your damn mind.
Shawn: What did I tell you? No one remembers Blacula except for us and Quentin Tarantino.

Shawn: I'm dangerous in a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.

Shawn: Are you sure this water is holy?
Gus: Yes! I had Father Wesley bless it over the phone!
Shawn: Over the phone?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: I don't think it works like that.

Juliet: Wow, you guys are actually devolving.

Juliet: I used to be a detective; now I'm a babysitter.
Shawn: Which makes you Elisabeth Shue and Gus is Keith Coogan
Gus: You're Coogan.
Shawn: You're Coogan.
Gus: Your mamma's Coogan.

Shawn: Shoot... the... glass.

Marlowe: It's just a crazy coincidence. These nails were made popular by Jersey Shore.
Gus: Nice try, Queen of the Damned.
Henry: JWoww does wear those nails when they go out clubbing.
[Everyone looks at him]
Henry: What? I'm not saying I'm buying her story.

Shawn: Come on, let's hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather learn to play the harp.

Henry: How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?
Shawn: It was just a small stream. It wasn't like the end of Carrie or the beginning of Carrie.

Shawn: It's a gift that I bust out on rare occasions and almost all the time.

Lassiter: I have slowly, methodically, been building up a tolerance to chloroform over the last fifteen years.
Shawn: Dear God, why?
Lassiter: For a night like this, Spencer.
Gus: I don't believe it. It must have been some other kind of chemical.
[Gus picks up a handkerchief, sniffs it, and immediately passes out]
Juliet: Oh, great. Now we have to carry two guys out of here!

The Amazing Psych-Man and Tap Man, Issue #2 [6.04]

Juliet: You have to admit, he's done a better job than we have of slowing down the Caminos, and he's just one guy!
Shawn: I'm just one guy! And I've solved more crimes than I can count. Because I have solved a lot of crimes, not just because I can't count very high.
Juliet: Yes, but you have a supernatural psychic gift. The Mantis is solving crimes using his natural instincts and sharply honed abilities.
Gus: She's right Shawn. I mean, if you were a regular guy solving these crimes, that'd really be impressive. But everyone knows that you're psychic. I mean, it's really an unfair advantage.

Shawn: Everyone stop what you're doing and only pay attention to me!

[Shawn gets caught telling a lie to Juliet.]
Shawn: I know you know I'm not telling the truth. I know... you know...

Shawn: Nobody steals on The Catch.

Dead Man's Curveball [6.05]

Shawn: I am something that you never were. I am a bona fide star in the class C municipal Santa Barbara Co-Ed Softball League, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Gus: I'm not dressing up as that mascot again. That was humiliating.
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. You killed it, man. Didn't you hear the crowd go nuts when you did The Worm?
Gus: That wasn't The Worm.
Shawn: I'm sorry, The Centipede.
Gus: It wasn't The Centipede either. I was dealing with an itch on my stomach. I think that suit has fleas.

[Shawn has just accidentally ingested speed]
Gus: Why are you talking so fast?
Shawn: Why are you hearing so slow?

Izzy Jackson: Listen, Shawn, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm on a bit of a hot streak of late. I don't want you coming in, messing with my swing. Because I have a tendency to over think things.
Shawn: That surprises me.

[Gus is on the phone. Shawn is driving Gus's car, dressed in the Seabirds mascot costume]
Gus: Shawn, where are you, and where's my car?
Shawn: I'll explain it all when I see you! I'm only a couple of minutes away.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Driving around for a bit to make sure no one's following me. Your left blinker's out, by the way. Get this; I have some good news, and some bad news, and some good news. Here's the good: I know who killed Izzy.
Gus: What was the bad?
Shawn: The killer may know I'm onto him.
Gus: And what was the other good?
Shawn: He may think that me is actually you.
Gus: Wh- How is that good news?!
Shawn: I meant good for me!
[Gus realizes someone is standing behind him, pointing a gun at him]

Shawn Interrupted [6.06]

Gus: [Laughing] Doctor! Burton Guster, Central Coast Pharmaceuticals. I'd love to talk to you about your psychotropic needs. Oh, my gosh. Are those Laker tickets in your pocket?

Shawn: They tell me I got something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But, uh, the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I'm a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies, such as outrageous intelligence syndrome. And a little obsessive successful disorder.
Lavender McElroy: Goodness. I've never encountered a patient who suffers from so many diseases that don't exist.
Shawn: Well, they, uh they exist where I come from.
Lavender McElroy: And where is that?
Shawn: The future.

Shawn: I'm plenty sick, Wendell! Pill time, everybody! It's pill time! Pills, Come get your pills!
Lavender McElroy: Orderly, restrain the patient.
Gus: Yes, ma'am.
Shawn: You can't catch me, McElroy! I'm gonna keep doing this! I'm gonna keep drivin' around in circles until I get hungry! And then I'm gonna eat that fountain! I'm like the ice cream man except I have barbiturates! Ha!

Shawn: Besides, the Doc said I could take these [mittens] off an hour ago.
Juliet: Then why are you still wearing them?
Shawn: The inner lining is so soft. I think it's Alpaca. Maybe baby muskrat. You gotta check this out.
Gus: I don't want to, Shawn.
Shawn: You're gonna be sorry.
Gus: Fine. Wow, they are supple. Try it, Lassie.
Lassiter: Enough with the stupid mittens! They are quite soft...

Shawn: Guys, I am getting some very strong psychic vibrations that we need to at least consider the possibility that Bernie is legitimately insane.
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: [shakes his head]
Juliet: Are you sensing something else?
Shawn: No, no, just some water stuck in my ear from this morning's free swim.

[Kenny G.'s "Songbird" plays]
Bernie: No! No!
Bernie's Brother: Bernie, shut up. Shut up!
Bernie: Make it stop! No!
Bernie's Brother: Would you shut up?
Bernie: Make him stop! Make him stop!
Gus: Don't move!
Bernie: Turn it off!
Shawn: All right, Bernie, all right.
Gus: Wait, wait, wait. Not yet, Shawn. My favorite part is coming up.
Shawn: What? What are you telling me? That you're a Kenny G. fan?
Gus: A little bit, yes. This song.
Shawn: I gotta be honest, I've never minded this song either.
Gus: So you know that's right.
Shawn: It's really, really smooth.
Gus: Groove to it, Shawn.
Shawn: I don't know about grooving, Gus.
Bernie: Make it stop! Ah! Turn it off!
Gus: Ooh, ooh.
Shawn: Oh, yeah.

Shawn: Spoiler alert! I'm making you a wallet.
Juliet: Oh, my God. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.

In For A Penny [6.07]

Frank: So Burton, how long you been a single man?
Gus: How do you know I'm single?
Frank: How much time you got?

Shawn: Your father's coming to your birthday! I arranged the whole thing!
Gus: We.
Shawn: We arranged the whole thing!
Juliet: You did what?!
Gus: HE arranged the whole thing.

Shawn: I know I'm in the doghouse.
Juliet: Oh, you're not in the doghouse.
Shawn: I'm not?
Juliet: No, you're going to have to work really hard to make it in to the doghouse.
Shawn: OK, so I'm in the yard, which is still an enclosed area. [sees Juliet's expression] Unless I'm in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound?! Where's Gus? Is Gus with me?
Gus: Why do I have to be in the pound?
Shawn: So we can get adopted together like two inseparable weenie dogs.

Juliet: I can't believe you hired my father!
Gus: For the record, I did not hire your father.
Juliet: Oh, you're in this, Gus. You're in deep. You're an accomplice. In fact, if this were a crime, you would be in cuffs right now.

Juliet: Where are you off to, Frank?
Frank: Ah, nowhere! Just... Thought maybe you could handle things from here.
Juliet: You know, it's funny. After Mom kicked you out and changed all the locks on the doors, I always wondered how you would sneak into my room, and leave little gifts on my nightstand. And eventually, I just figured out that you are really good at taking apart a window and putting it back together. In an out. Like a ghost.
Frank: I don't know what you mean, Jules.
Juliet: God, you are such a coward.
Frank: There's no need for that.
Juliet: Actually, there's a long overdue need for it. Your life has been so starved of honesty, that the second you feel it creeping around the corner, you are out the nearest door.
Frank: I'm sorry you feel that way.
Juliet: It's not a feeling, Frank. It's the truth. [Frank turns to walk away.] I'm not done. [Frank stops and turns back toward Juliet.] Look, I don't know if you've realized this, but I'm not a kid anymore. And I am not going to sit around and waste my time, and my tears, on missed recitals and birthdays, but what really breaks my heart... Is that you won't be there for all the moments to come.
Frank: We don't know that, Juliet.
Juliet: Yes, I do. Because that's my choice. And I don't want you there.
Frank: You don't mean that.
Juliet: Sadly, I mean every word. Because I feel cheated. I feel robbed. So congratulations, Frank. Your longest con of all was on your own daughter.

The Tao of Gus [6.08]

Shawn: We got serious business to attend to.
Henry: Serious business? You're going to an opening of a new cupcake store.
Gus: No, we're going to a closing of an old cupcake store.
Shawn: And then we're going to the opening of a new cupcake store.
Henry: Bring me back a red velvet.

Shawn: Gus, we may have a Children of the Corn situation happening here....Gus, drive, drive!
Gus: There're people around.
Shawn: Plow through them!
Gus: They're smiling.
Shawn: Fine, they'll die happy! Floor it!

Shawn: We're so far off the grid I think we may be back on the grid.

Lassiter: [about a fleeing Eli] Should I shoot him in the leg?
Shawn: Nah. Dot's got mad wheels. [Dot grabs Eli by the neck and tackles him to the ground. Milosh then runs up and begins to hit Eli with his shoe. Shawn and Lassiter wince.]

Neil Simon's Lovers' Retreat [6.09]

Shawn: Okay. Make sure you water my plants thrice daily, but do not talk to them, because once they get started, they will not stop. Especially Jim.
Gus: Jim's the ficus?
Shawn: He is indeed.

Shawn: Why do we need new friends? I have Gus. You have...whoever your friends are.
Juliet: Shawn, you're embarrassing me.

Juliet: You're acting like a child, Shawn.

Shawn: [Shawn answers his phone call with Gus] Well, it is about time!
Gus: Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you paid for on my credit card!
Shawn: How are my plants?

Gus: Is that her second slab?
Lassiter: I have never seen a woman eat ribs like that in my life except in caveman drawings.

Gus: Chelsea, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai to kill my best friend in the world.
Lassiter: And I need to help him bury the body.

Gus: A paper trail of deceit.
Shawn: Look, I was a victim here, too, man.
Gus: Shawn you robbed me. As far as I'm concerned, you're no different then the thieves who robbed you of the thing you robbed.

Gus: We take our hand-held entertainment very seriously.

Indiana Shawn and The Temple of the Kind of Crappy, Rusty Dagger [6.10]

Jacqueline: I've worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double-agents, and yet no one's behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.
Shawn: Thank you.
Jacqueline: It's not a compliment.
Shawn: Well, it depends on your definition of 'confusing', doesn't it?

Despereaux: Don't you just hate people that kill you?

Heeeeere's Lassie [6.11]

[sitting in front of Lassie's "haunted" hotel after he tried to kill Gus]
Juliet: Is there anything I can get you?
Lassiter: [pause] I wouldn't say no to a Sloppy Joe.

[After Lassiter tells Shawn and Guss about strange things occurring in his new apartment]
Shawn: [excited] YOU PLACE IS HAUNTED!
[Shawn and Gus begin happily jumping and dancing around the room]

Shawn and the Real Girl [6.12]

Juliet: You kiss her, you die.
Shawn: Duly noted.

Let's Doo-Wop It Again [6.13]

[Gus leaves Tony and Drake on a street corner so he can go take a picture of a gang leader/suspect]
Tony: If he not back in five minutes, we go get the BB guns.
Drake: Oh, you know that's right.

Tony: Let's hope she doesn't have enough bullets in that to shoot all of us.
Tina: This gun holds ten rounds.
Drake: Well, let's hope she shoots Gus ten times.

Tina: Get in the closet.
Tony: Oh, hell, no. You ain't gonna be talking me crazy, alright. We don't stuff ourselves in any tiny spaces, alright? That's where I draw the line!
[Drake points directly at Gus]
Drake: Yeah, that's right! You're gonna have to shoot this man with all ten bullets if you want us to go in some damn closet!
Gus: Are you crazy, Drake?!

Autopsy Turvy [6.14]

Woody: I cannot thank you enough for believing in me!
Vick: I didn't. I believed in your colleague who turned out to be a homicidal maniac.

True Grits [6.15]

Lassiter: How many "get out of jail free" cards does a guy get?
Shawn: Two, duh. One in Chance, one in Community Chest.

Shawn: Well, much like Lady Gaga, I was born this way.

Shawn: Just because you put syrup on something don't make it pancakes.

Juliet: I don't take it personally that Shawn took on Thane's case. Even though I'm fairly certain that he is guilty.
Shawn: And I don't take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn't be "wronger".
Lassiter: [smiles] You two are so breaking up over this. And Spencer, remember, all convicts say they're innocent or they're framed or stop choking me. But at the end of the day, Thane Woodson is guilty of something.
Shawn: Not according to the Innocence Project.
Lassiter: Which is why they're high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICAF and Lance Bass. [Juliet and Shawn look at him] Don't ask.

Lassiter: So when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I met the perfect person.
Juliet: That means that person is in prison... and is a woman.
Lassiter: Which one of those is the problem?

Santabarbaratown [6.16]

[At a crime scene]
Gus: Who's the big scary dude?
Shawn: Gus, that's Carlton Lassiter. You should know this by now.

Gus: So do we go with Lassie or your dad?
Shawn: Worst. Options. Ever.

Shawn: Shawn Spencer. That is my partner Sh'Dynasty. It is spelled S-H, comma-to-the-top, dynasty.
Jordan: "Comma-to-the-top"?
Gus: That's God's comma.

Shawn: Know this, Jordan. I'm on to you. Like fat... on a fat person.

Shawn: Well, the plot, unlike your hair, continues to thicken.

Season 7

Santabarbaratown 2 [7.01]

Shawn: Alright, just stay calm, OK? I'm pretty sure like 90 percent of gunshot wounds are psychological. Here's the good news: the body's actually designed for this sort of thing!
Doctor: Uh, no it's not.
Shawn: I'm just saying, it's important for him to keep moving, you know? Maybe walk it off. This isn't serious. This isn't like having appendicitis!
Doctor: We're taking him to surgery.
Shawn: OK, great! That's great! Where do I stand? Do I need to wash up? My hands are crazy clean. Look! I had one of those Dorrito tacos from Taco Bell about an hour--What are you telling me? I stay here? OK, good call! I'll man--I'll man the hallway. YOU GOTTA SAVE 'IM, THAT'S MY DAD!

Woody: I came as soon as I heard, I am so sorry. I brought a six-footer. [opens a body bag]
Shawn: Woody, what are you, whoa, look! [points to the monitor indicating that Henry is alive]
Woody: Oh. Awkward. I'll come back, uh, later.

Gus: Shawn, when we were thrown out of here, what part of "banned for life" did you misinterpret?
Shawn: All of it.

Juliet Takes a Luvvah [7.02]

Shawn: You made out with a serial killer.
Juliet: You made out with Lassiter.
Shawn: OK, I guess that makes us even.

Shawn: I'm gonna go get some snacks. Who'd like snacks?
Rachel: I'd love an apple, thanks.
Shawn: I said snacks.

Lassie Jerky [7.03]

Gus: Come on. Hug it out. Hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather spend all day at the mall with McNab.

No Country for Two Old Men [7.04]

100 Clues [7.05]

Cirque Du Soul [7.06]

Deez Nups [7.07]

Shawn: Falling in love with you was never part of the plan, OK? This whole thing started because my ass was on the line. Self-preservation Jules, you gotta understand that; I didn't have a choice. And then, we sort of found a groove. And by the time you showed up, it was so much fun. We put away like over a hundred criminals. Most of them were murderers. I'm good at what I do. And what I do is good. Isn't it?
Juliet: What are you talking about? Are you telling me this is all a lie?
Shawn: Please don't make me answer that.

Right Turn or Left for Dead [7.08]

Gus: Dude, what happened?
Shawn: She knows.
Gus: You told her?
Shawn: It's worse. I didn't.

Gus: Dude, how're you doing?
Shawn: Well, they say I might have a mild concussion. And I wasn't able to go pick up Lassie's new dog from the rescue this morning. Oh, and get this, I might have a mild concussion.
Gus: Do you know who she is?
Shawn: No, she had no ID when I brought her in.
Gus: Spoke to Juliet yet?
Shawn: Huh. She must have her phone turned off, man. But you know, after a good night's sleep, I'm sure she's going to be over this whole breaking up with me thing. I know I am. I was thinking I would go, uh, Costanza on her, just pretend like it never happened.
Gus: That didn't even work for George Costanza.
Shawn: C'mon son, you know Georgie doesn't have what I've got.
Gus: A mild concussion?
Shawn: Hey, how did you hear about that?
Gus: Dude, you know I'm allergic to gold dust! Remember in grammar school, I had to sit at the gold-dust-free table?!
Shawn: I don't really remember grammar school, Gus. Ugh, my head hurts for some reason.

Juliet Wears the Pantsuit [7.09]

Gus: If that's true, then she's a hall-of-famer nut job.
Shawn: First ballot. In fact, I'm surprised you haven't dated her.

Gus: She's an identity thief!
Juliet: With a key to my house.
Shawn: Our house! In the middle of our street!

Santa Barbarian Candidate [7.10]

Gus: I can't believe we are in Santa Barbara's corridors of power....I could have made it all the way to the White House.
Shawn: Yeah, maybe as an aide.
Gus: Of course.
Shawn: Say, "Yes, Mr. President."
Gus: "Yes, Mr. President."
Shawn: Sorry, Charlie.

Shawn: It's the same motive of the biblical tale of the very first murder. Brother kills brother over multi-use retail and residential space.
Gus: What version of the Bible are you reading?
Shawn: The New Rick James Version.

Lassiter: Are you saying that Spencer might actually win this thing? Oh my God, the Mayans were right.
Henry: That's it. I'm gonna have to move. There's no other solution.

Shawn: We should probably ease up on the reins a bit. You know, come up with a way to suddenly throw this thing.
Gus: I can fix that.
Shawn: Great! Gus, you are rehired as my solo campaign manager. You'll have to figure out a way to make me seem less desirable, which won't be easy.
Gus: I can fix that.

Office Space [7.11]

Leslie Sally: So you don't work here? Do you have a pass? Did you sign in? Hit the bricks pal!
Gus: Oh, no, he's my best friend. And he's white.
Shawn: I'm white.
Gus: Today was Bring Your White Best Friend to Work Day. Did you not get the memo?
Leslie Sally: I didn't get the memo. And even if I did, I don't have a white best friend.
Shawn: That makes two of us.
Leslie Sally: Though I am an avid camper.

Juliet: Please tell me things haven't gotten further out of control.
Shawn: They have not.
Juliet: Are you being honest?
Shawn: Nope.

Juliet: You do realize how insane this is, right?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: You call it insane, we call it Tuesday.
Gus: It's Thursday.

Lassiter: O'Hara, you can tell me, are you carrying Spencer's unborn demon seed?

Dead Air [7.12]

Nip and Suck It [7.13]

Lassiter: She's guilty as Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

Shawn: These must be from my publisher.
Gus: You don't have a publisher. You sent pages to a printer. And it wasn't even a real printer. It was Dr. Ted.
Shawn: Gotta admit, his copywork was spot on. Top flight.
Dr. Joan Diamond: He wrote a book?
Gus: We wrote a book.
Henry: Define wrote.
Shawn: Psych's Guide to Crime Fighting for the Totally Unqualified. I'm reading excerpts at Barnes & Noble next week. It's not official. I'm just going to start reading in the middle of the store and draw a crowd.

No Trout About It [7.14]

Gus: Silences make me uncomfortable.
Shawn: It's alright Gus. I'm sure you'll be just... [goes quiet]
Gus: Don't do that Shawn!

Shawn: He asked us to sprinkle those ashes off Stern's Wharf. It's the only Jewish wharf in all of Santa Barbara, so it felt like the very least we could do.
Trout: OK. So you stopped your investigation to do this.
Shawn: Of course not, that would have been completely irresponsible.
Gus: But we put it in the back of my car. We were planning on...doing it later.
Shawn: That's right. But then...something happened.
Juliet: Don't even tell me--
Lassiter: No!
Juliet: You said it was cake mix!
Shawn: No I never said that.
Juliet: Yes you did you said you and Gus were gonna go home and you were gonna make homemade Twinkies!
Shawn: OK, now you're just making stuff up, sweetie.
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