[singing to Shrek and Fiona] Good morning... good morning... to you... and you... and you!
[After pulling the covers off and seeing Shrek naked] Aaaahh!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
[after seeing the villains, with Captain Hook on a piano] Look out! They got a piano!
[at the end of Shrek's dream sequence, with an ogre baby head] Dada.
(in Puss in Boots' body) Whoa. Man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college! What, is there somethin' in my teeth? [gasps] What the...? Oh, my God! I've been abra-ca-dabra'ed into a fancy-feastin', second-rate sidekick! Yeah, and you should think about gettin' yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty!
[He and Puss have just switched bodies] How in the name of Hans Christian Anderson am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?!
Snow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?
Doris: I know he's a jerk and all but I gotta admit that Charming makes me hotter than July.
Snow White: I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me!
Sleeping Beauty: [while being carried by Doris] Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow.
Snow White: Well, maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land!
Rapunzel: You mean in that rigged election?
Snow White: Oh, give me a break. [dreamy voice] "Rapunzel, Rapunzel!" [sarcastic voice] "Let down thy golden extensions."
Queen Lillian: Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.
[Rapunzel has betrayed the princesses in order to be with Prince Charming]
Fiona: Charming, let go of her!
Charming: But why would I want to do that?
Fiona: [anonymous] What?
Charming: Say hello to the new queen of Far Far Away!
Cinderella: Yay! [claps] (Sorry.)
Fiona: Rapunzel, how could you?
Rapunzel: Jealous much?
Arthur "Artie" Pendragon: This is lame.
Merlin: [whacks him] You're lame.
Snow White: Right! Ladies, assume the position!
[As Shrek stands in front of the group of ogre babies naked wearing a graduation cap, all of the ogre babies laugh at him]
Shrek: [screams, stands up, groans] Donkey? Donkey, wake up! [It turns out Donkey has an ogre baby head, making him terrified.]
Donkey: [with ogre baby voice] Dada.
Shrek: [screams, stands up][It was daytime. Donkey and Puss in Boots are wide awake.]
Donkey: [normal voice] Shrek, are you okay?
Shrek: Ohhh…I can't believe I'm gonna be a father! How did this happen?
Puss in Boots: Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him.
Donkey: [Referring to his Dronkeys] They grow up so fast.
Shrek: [Annoyed by their intrusion] Not fast enough.
[Sleeping Beauty falls asleep, Snow White lies down in her coffin pose, and Cinderella seats herself on the floor gazing dreamily into space.]
Princess Fiona: What are you doing?
Sleeping Beauty: [snaps awake] Waiting to be rescued. [falls back asleep]
Shrek: [looking at Artie talking with princesses] See, what'd I tell ya? The kid's gonna make a great king.
Fiona: For what it's worth, you would have too.
Shrek: [rubs Fiona's stomach] I have something much more important in mind.
Captain Hook: [looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook] Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan!
Boy's Mother: His name's not Peter!
Captain Hook: Shut it, Wendy!
Donkey: Wor-ces-ter-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy!
Shrek : It's "Worcestershire".
Donkey: Like the sauce? It's spicy!
Arthur Pendragon: [to Shrek] Please, don't eat me. [Students and Teacher(s) chanting "Eat him"]
Shrek: I'm not here to eat him!
Students and Teacher: [groaning] Aww...
Shrek: It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new king of Far Far Away.
Arthur "Artie" Pendragon: What?
Gingy: I hate dinner theatre!
Pinocchio: Me too. [nose grows]
Rapunzel: But, Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them.
Prince Charming: Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later.
Prince Charming: You! [to Pinocchio] You can't lie. So tell me, puppet. Where is Shrek?
Pinocchio: Uh. Hmm, well, uh... I don't know where he's not.
Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?
Pinocchio: It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.
Charming: So you do know where he is!
Pinocchio: On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably...
Charming: Stop it!
Pinocchio: ...Do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't at where I knew he was, that'd mean I'd really have to know where he wasn't... [Gingy still singing]
Arthur: [after guards try to kill them, Artie comes up with a plan] Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!
Shrek: [playing along, acting like a spoiled celebrity] Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.
Artie Pendragon: He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.
Shrek: I'm gonna lose it! [before continuing trying to keep his cool]
Artie: I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?
Donkey [in Puss in Boots' body]: [playing along] Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño homey butter, 'cause our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño honey butter!
Shrek: I just lost it. [Puss turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]
Guard: Perhaps we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.
Puss in Boots [in Donkey's body]: Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!
Shrek: [confronts Prince Charming in the dressing room] Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
King Charming: Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses the button as Shrek grabs him]
Shrek: Where's Fiona?
Charming: Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. [grins evilly]
[The guards burst in and holds Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down]
Charming: [walking up to Artie] Let me guess. Arthur.
Charming: This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.
Shrek: Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.
Artie: Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?
Shrek: You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was.
Artie: But you said the king asked for me personally.
Shrek: Not exactly.
Artie: What does that mean?
Shrek: I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill, so just go!
Artie: [hurt and angry] You were playing me the whole time.
Shrek: You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. [Donkey (in Puss' body) tries to reason with Artie, but Puss (in Donkey's body) stopped him]
Artie: You know, for a minute... I actually thought–
Charming: What, that he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? [Artie breaks free from the guards and looks at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] You really do have a way with children, Shrek. [The guards forced Shrek out of the room]
Donkey [in Puss' body]: Alright people, Let's do this thing. Go, Team Dynamite!
Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super Cool.
Gingy: As I recall, it was Team Awesome!
Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.
Donkey [in Puss' body]: Alright, alright, alright! From henceforth, we shall be known as Team Alpha Super-Awesome-Cool Dynamite Wolf-Squadron.
Puss: [talking to a female cat] It's out of my hands, señorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. [Another female cat meowing. Very quickly] I gotta go.
Donkey: [normal voice] I'm me again!
Puss in Boots: [normal voice] And I'm not you.
Donkey: All right! [he and Puss walk away]
Merlin: Oops. [realizes that Puss' and Donkey's tails were swapped, then walks away] Ah, never mind.