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Shrek

From Wikiquote

Shrek is a 2001 animated film about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King.

Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Written by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio. Story by William Steig (book)
The greatest fairy tale never told. (taglines)

Shrek

[edit]
Shrek
  • What are you doing in my swamp?
  • Fiona? Are you alright?

Donkey

[edit]
  • [gets cornered by Dragon] Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I-I-I-I...
  • [atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad] All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

Dialogue

[edit]
[First lines; a fairytale book appears]
Shrek: [narrating] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. [tears out a page from the book and shuts it; laughs] Like THAT's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[Flushes toilet and comes out of the outhouse. Smash Mouth music playing a song All Star]
Steve Harwell: [singing] Somebody once told me / The world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb / With her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead| Well, the years start coming / And they don't stop coming / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb| So much to do, so much to see / So what's wrong with taking the back streets? / You'll never know if you don't go / You'll never shine if you don't glow| Hey now, you're an all star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars break the mold| It's a cool place and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture| The ice we skate is getting pretty thin / The water's getting warm so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how about yours? / That's the way I like it and I never get bored| Hey now, you're an all star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars break the mold.
[Shrek belches and starts fire in hearth]
Villagers: Go! Go!
[Record scratching]
Steve Harwell: [singing] Hey now, you're an all star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars| Somebody once asked / "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept / I could use a little fuel myself" / And we could all use a little change| Well, the years start coming / And they don't stop coming / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb| So much to do, so much to see / So what's wrong with taking the back streets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow| Hey now, you're an all star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid| And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars break the mold / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars break the mold. [song fades. The angrily mob stops. Warily they parts the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]
Villager #1: [sotto] I think it's in here.
Villager #2: [sotto; intense] All right. Let's get it!
[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopping him]
Chris: Whoa! Hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? [A third villager pipes in]
Mike: [forboding] Yeah. It'll grind your bones for its bread.
[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]
Shrek: [brightly, laughing] Yes. Well, actually, that would be a giant.
[The villagers hear the new voice and spin around. Shrek is standing nonchalantly behind them, he advances on them as he speaks, getting more intense and terrifying as he does. They back away frightened]
Villagers: No!
Shrek: [starts nonchalant and build] Now ogres... Oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
[Villager James leaps forward bravely waving the torch in front of him]
James: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! [Shrek leans away, avoiding the torch and watching the man with casual indifference. When the Villager is done with waving, he holds the torch threateningly in front of him. Shrek moistens his thumb and forefinger and reaching forward, snuffs out the torch. The villagers stand stunned for a moment] Right.
[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the Villagers screw their eyes closed and screams in horror for all they're worth. The villagers huge long screams. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roar and Shrek ponders them for a moment and villagers stop screams.]
Shrek: [whispers] This is the part, where you runs away.
[They all run as fast as they can. We cut in close of Shrek as he watches them go. He chuckles to himself] And stay out! [Shrek suddenly notices a small flyer that the Villagers have left behind. He picks it up and reads it] "Wanted. Fairytale creatures." [He tosses it into the ground and heads back into his house]
[There is a line of fairytale creatures. The Captain of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairytale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs]
Guard: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
Captain of the Guard: Next!
Guard: [taking the witch's broom] Give me that! Your flying days are over. [breaks the broom in half]
Captain of the Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
Guard: Get up! Come on!
Captain of the Guard: Twenty pieces.
Little Bear: [crying] This cage is too small.
Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Old Lady: Oh, shut up. [jerks his rope]
Donkey: Oh!
Captain of the Guard: Next! What have you got?
Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. [his nose grows]
Captain of the Guard: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
[Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table]
Captain of the Guard: Next! What have you got?
Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Captain of the Guard: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.
[Donkey just looks up at her]
Captain of the Guard: Well?
Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just... he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
Captain of the Guard: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [pretends to be Donkey] I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.
Captain of the Guard: Get her outta my sight.
Old Lady: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
Donkey: (gasps) Oh! Hey! I can fly!
[after Shrek scares off the guards to save Donkey; he walks back home with Donkey following him]
Donkey: Can I say somethin’ to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!
Shrek: [looks back, but sees nothing] Are you talkin’ to... me?
Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I just tell you that you was really great back there? I mean, those guards. They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.
Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks away]
Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends, and I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick wit you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together, we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Shrek roars at Donkey.] Oh, wow! That was really scary. And if you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or somethin’, 'cause your breath stinks! [as Shrek continues walked, Donkey shows up again from the log on gap.] Man, you almost burned the hair out of my nose, just like the time... [Shrek muffles him] And then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had strong gases eekin’ out of my butt that day.
Shrek: [to Donkey] WHY are you following me?!
Donkey: I'll tell you why. [sings] Cause I'm all alone.
There's no one here beside me.
My problems have all gone.
There's no one to deride me.
But ya gotta have friends...
Shrek: [moans] STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?
Donkey: Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] Really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: [shakes his head happily] Nope.
Shrek: [surprised] Really?
Donkey: Really, really.
Shrek: Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]
Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right.
Donkey: [looks at a hovel] Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh, and it is lovely! Y'know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at a boulder] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. [eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, I do, too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint and they won't leave, then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay wit you?
Shrek: Uh, what?
Donkey: Can I stay wit you... please?
Shrek: [sarcastically] Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! [slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe ya do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!
Shrek: Okay! Okay. But one night only.
Donkey: Ah, thank you! [runs to the chair inside]
Shrek: Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!
Donkey: This is gon' be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', [pauses for a few 2nds] I'm makin' waffles!
Shrek: Drrr'ohh!
Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek: Outside!
Donkey: [pauses; shocked] Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarfs have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]
Shrek: Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!
Dwarf: Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!
Shrek: Huh?
[rushes over to his bed to find...]
Big Bad Wolf: What?
Shrek: [Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck angrily] I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?! Oh, no. Oh, no.
[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, angrily glares at Donkey]
Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!
Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
Shrek: What?
Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.
Shrek: By who?!
Little Pig: Lord Farquaad! He hoofed und he poofed und he signed an eviction notice.
Shrek: All right. Who knows where is Farquaad guy is?
Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.
Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Shrek: [in an announcement -- and to the fairytale creatures and villagers] OK, fine. Attention all, fairytale things. Don't get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from.
[The fairytale creatures and villagers cheer happily]
Shrek: [to Donkey] You! You're comin' with me.
[A Masked Man, Thelonius, is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in the Cow Milk Bottle of glass. Lord Farquaad enters, the torturer has his back to us]
Gingy: [off-screen] No!
Lord Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.
[Thelonius spins around revealing he has been torturing a Gingerbread Man. Close on the table, as Gingy is thrown down on a cooking tray. Gingy coughs and hacks. Farquaad strolls up to the executioner, revealing that he is only about four-and-a-half feet tall. He approaches a table in the center of the room, his hat just visible above the table. Farquaad laughing menacingly and clears throat. The table is lowered mechanically revealing Farquaad]
Lord Farquaad: "Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
Gingy: You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here! You are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. [evilly crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he shines a light on him] Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
Gingy: Eat me!
[He spits milk in Farquaad's face. Farquaad slowly wipes it off and growls]
Lord Farquaad: [through clenched teeth] I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me... or I'll…
[Farquaad leans over, reaching for Gingy's buttons.]
Gingy: No, no, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: All right, then, who's hiding them?
Gingy: [broken] Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingy: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes. I know the Muffin Man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?!
Gingy: [screams] THE MUFFIN MAN!!!!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man?
[The dungeon doors burst open suddenly and a guard approaches]
Captain of the Guard: My lord! We found it.
Lord Farquaad: [eagerly] Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]
Gingy: Ohhh...
Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror.
Gingy: Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops him in the trash can] No!
Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius?
[Thelonius the executioner smashes a small looking glass] You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] I mean you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord Farquaad: Go on.
Magic Mirror: ?
[arriving at Duloc]
Shrek: [observing a giant building] So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...
Donkey: Uh-huh, that's the place.
Shrek: Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?
[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord Farquaad: What is that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice. [gestures to Donkey] It's just a donkey.
[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]
Donkey: Okay, let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek: Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Y'know, throttle him! Lay siege to his fortress! Grind his bones to make your bread! The whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drank their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? OK, uh... ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun and they start turnin' brown and start sproutin' little white hairs...
Shrek: [peels an onion] No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers! [frustratingly heaves a sighed and then angrily walks off]
Donkey: Oh! You both have layers! You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person and said, "Hey! Let's get some parfaits!” And they said, "Hell no! I don't like no parfaits!"? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Shrek: Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.
Donkey: Do you have a tissue or somethin'? I'm makin' a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin'. [begins to "I'm On My Away" by The Proclaimers]
[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]
Shrek: Just keep moving and don’t look down.
Donkey: Don't look down, keep on movin', don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin', don't look down... [a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey] Shrek, I'm lookin' down! [screams] Oh!
Donkey: [screams] Don't do that!
Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? [rocks the bridge]
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it? Okay. [continues rocking]
Donkey: [screams] No, Shrek! I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna died! [By Shrek shaking the bridge and walking towards him, it forces Donkey backwards towards the end] Oh.
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
[Shrek and Donkey move through the spooky keep. Shrek's wary. Donkey's very nervous]
Donkey: [whispers; nervous] You afraid?
Shrek: [not whispering] No, but... Shh.
[Shrek walks away, Donkey suddenly notices he's gone and runs to catch up]
Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [gasps]
[Donkey catches up then hears a noise off-screen]
Donkey: 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
[Donkey falls suddenly into a pile of knight bones and armor. Donkey gasps. A helmet falls onto Donkey's head. Shrek removes the helmet and puts it on himself]
Shrek: Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut... up. [points] Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.
[Shrek walks away]
Donkey: Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!
[Shrek moves away, down a corridor. Donkey watches him go, then heads the other way]
Donkey: Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [walks off]
[Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room]
Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
[On Shrek at other end of the corridor. Through a window, he can see a slender tower wrapped in a staircase and connected to the keep by a bridge]
Shrek: [to himself] Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the--?
[On Donkey, who finds himself eyeball to eyeball with the dragon. Donkey runs away]
Donkey: DRAGON! [screams and dodging Dragon's tail]
[Shrek turns to see Donkey headed for him at a gallop, a fireball right behind him. Donkey races past. Shrek follows]
Shrek: Donkey, look out!
[Donkey screams. Shrek grabs Donkey and jumps out of the fireball's way, saving Donkey. They run into the tall tower. A beat. They shoot out again, Donkey leading the way, another fireball chasing them. Shrek leaps to one side and lets the fireball rocket past, Donkey runs onto the bridge then flattens himself. The fireball passes over him, singeing the tuft of tail. On the Dragon roaring. It takes off after Donkey. Shrek leaps from the tower, landing on the dragon's huge tail]
Shrek: Got ya! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[The dragon whips its tail, sending Shrek hurtling right through the wall of the tower. Shrek crashes through the stone wall and lands outside a bed chamber, semiconscious]
Princess Fiona: Where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek: [going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.
Princess Fiona: [shocked] What kind of knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.
[Shrek looks up to where the chain is jammed and starts shaking it to try and free the pulley. The dragon purses her lips and comes in for a kiss... suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek falls, landing directly on Donkey and popping him through the dragon's coils. Shrek takes the kiss right on his butt. Surprised Shrek lets go of the chain which immediately reels upwards as the candelabra comes down. The dragon is even more surprised and rears up - pissed - just as the candelabra falls, collaring her. Shrek grabs Donkey and runs. The dragon takes chase with the chain unreeling behind her. As Shrek passes the Princess he picks her up too, while the dragon blasts fireballs behind them. Donkey looks up at the Princess. Princess gasps]
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona: [to Donkey] It talks!
Shrek: [good natured] Yeah, it's gettin' him to shut up that's the trick!
Donkey: Shrek!
[Shrek laughs as they begin to slide down the column. They hit a break in the column. Fiona screams]
Shrek: Oh!
[They land and run into the entrance hall. Shrek starts weaving in and out of the pillars as the dragon chases, causing the chain to weave a cat's cradle behind her. Shrek stops and puts Fiona and Donkey down]
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit!
[Shrek grabs a sword from a nearby knight skeleton and looks determined]
Shrek: I'll take care of the dragon.
[Fiona and Donkey take off, leaving Shrek to face the dragon. As the chain passes by Shrek jams the sword through the links... and runs. Fiona and Donkey are waiting by the exit as Shrek rounds the corner]
Shrek: RUUUUUUUUUN!
[They all run across the bridge as a fireball sweeps after them, burning the bridge behind them as they cross. The bridge swings away to the other side and Fiona and Shrek hang on. Donkey can't get a grip and falls, Shrek catching him just in time. Suddenly the dragon bursts through the flames flying straight at them. They all scream but just then Shrek's plan kicks in, the chain pulls tight and she snaps back and out of sight. Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey all take a deep breath and start the climb to the top of the bridge which now resembles a rope ladder]
Princess Fiona: The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!
Donkey: Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in short supply. [chortles, washes his face]
Donkey: Yeah! There are those who think little of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
Princess Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer.
Princess Fiona: But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest.
Princess Fiona: [furiously screaming] I NEED TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO CAMP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Donkey: Say, Shrek, what're we gonna do with our swamp, anyway?
Shrek: OUR swamp?
Donkey: Y'know, when we're through rescuin' the princess and all that...!
Shrek: Donkey...!? There's no "we", no "our". There's just ME and MY swamp! And once I get my swamp back, I am gonna build a 10-foot wall around my land!
[As Shrek says this, he says that he is building a ten-foot wall around his land when he gets it back. That is, so Donkey can never come back to his swamp ever again. Because Shrek wants to be rid of Donkey for good.]
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now... Y'know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out!
Shrek: [sarcastic] No! Ya think?
Donkey: Are you hidin' somethin'?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.
Donkey: Why won't you talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it?
Donkey: Why are you blockin’?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Oh, yes, you are.
Shrek: Donkey, I'm warnin' you.
Donkey: Who are you tryna keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek: Everyone, OK?!
Donkey: Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!
Donkey: Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?
Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go, "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...
Donkey: Y'know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood's Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]
Princess Fiona: Oh, oh, this is all my fault...
Donkey: Why, what's wrong?
Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt!
Donkey: Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay!
Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?
Princess Fiona: Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. OK, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!
Both: Donkey!
Donkey: Oh, yeah! Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
Shrek: What are the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.
Shrek: Ah.
Princess Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
[Fiona gives the arrow a little yank]
Shrek: [jumps away] Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
Princess Fiona : I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
Shrek: No, it's tender.
Princess Fiona: Now, hold on.
Shrek: What you're doing is the opposite of help.
Princess Fiona: Don't move.
Shrek: Look, time out.
Princess Fiona: OK. What do you propose we do?
[Elsewhere]
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Shrek: [distantly] OW!
Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin’!
[Donkey bites off a blue flower with red thorns from a bush. Meanwhile, with Shrek]
Shrek: Ow! Not good.
Princess Fiona: Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. [Grunts] It's just about...
Shrek: Ow! Ohh!
Donkey: [he sees Fiona on top of Shrek] Ahem.
Shrek: Nothing happened.
[Fiona falls off]
Shrek: We were just, uh-
Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. OK?
Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just trying to help.
[Fiona yanks the arrow out]
Shrek: Ugh!
[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]
Shrek: [hoarsely] Ow!
Donkey: Hey, what's that? [nervous chuckle] Is that blood?
[Donkey faints]
Donkey: Man, isn't this romanic? Just look at that sunset.
Donkey: [goes into the old windmill] Princess! Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
[early dawn while Donkey sleeps, Fiona stays in the windmill and picks a sunflower's petals one by one, decides weather or not to tell Shrek about her secret curse]
Princess Fiona: I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. [signs] I tell him. [goes outside] Shrek! Shrek? There's something I want...
[Fiona doesn't see Shrek around, then notices the sun rise. She shuts her eyes from the sunlight, as she transforms back to her human self]
[after Fiona rides with Farquaad and his knights back to Duloc]
Donkey: Shrek, what are you doin'? You're lettin' her get away!
Shrek: Yeah, so what?
Donkey: Shrek, there's somethin' about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, she's...
Shrek: I know you talked to her last night! You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why didn't you follow her home?!
Donkey: Shrek, I... I wanna go wit you.
Shrek: Hey, I told you, didn't I?! You're not comin' home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! Me! Nobody else, understand?! NOBODY!!! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!!!!!
Donkey: But... I thought...
Shrek: [while storming off] Yeah, well, you know what?! You thought wrong!
Donkey: [visibly hurt by what Shrek said, close to tears] Shrek...
Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?
Donkey: [gathering branches] I would think you of all people would recognize a wall when you see one!
Shrek: Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it!
Donkey: It is around your swamp! That's your half and this is my half!
Shrek: Oh, your half! Hmmm.
Donkey: My half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!
[Shrek angrily removes the stick and Donkey stops him from moving]
Shrek: Back off!
Donkey: No! You back off!
Shrek: This is my swamp!
Donkey: Our swamp!
Shrek: Let go, Donkey!
Donkey: You let go!
Shrek: Stubborn jackass!
Donkey: Smelly ogre!
Shrek: Fine!
Donkey: Hey, hey, hey, come back here! I'm not through with you yet!
Shrek: Well, I'm through with you! (And I am, period!)
Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you, it's always "me, me, me". Well, guess what?! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushin' me around or pushin' me away!
Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do! THEY FORGIVE EACH OTHER!!!!!!
Shrek: [in a fake friendly tone] Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you. [then in a real, mean voice] FOR STABBIN' ME IN THE BACK!!!!!!!!!!
[Shrek enters his outhouse and slams the door behind Donkey in rage.]
Donkey: [groans in exasperation] You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelin's!
Shrek: [from inside his outhouse] Go away!
Donkey: See? There you are, doin' it again just like you did to Fiona, and all she ever did was like you. Maybe even love you.
Shrek: [from inside his outhouse] Love me?! She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!
Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about... er, somebody else.
Shrek: [comes out of his outhouse] She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about?
Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't sayin' anything. You don't wanna listen to me, right? Right?!
Shrek: [tries to talk to Donkey] Donkey?
Donkey: [enraged] No!
Shrek: OK, look. I'm sorry, all right? [Donkey just lets out a soft hmph as if to say, "Not buying it. Try again."] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
Shrek: Right. Friends?
Donkey: Friends.
[He and Donkey shake hands]
Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
Donkey: What are you askin' me for? Why don't you go ask her?
Shrek: [remembers, in shock] The wedding! We'll never make it in time!
Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. [whistles]
[Dragon enters the swamp, flying]
Shrek: Donkey?!
Donkey: I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
Shrek: Aw, come here, you.
Donkey: Alright, alright. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. Alright, hop on and hold on tight. [Dragon gets Shrek on her back] I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
[They all fly off back to Duloc]
Princess Fiona: [Shrek interrupts her and Farquaad's wedding] What are you doing here?
Lord Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Princesss Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...
Shrek: [stopping Fiona from marrying Farquaad and confesses his feelings to her] But you can't marry him.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.
Lord Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
Shrek: He's not your true love.
Princess Fiona: And what do you know about true love?
Shrek: Well, I... uh... I mean...
Lord Farquaad: Oh, this is precious.[chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [signaling his guards, Thelonius holds up a cue card reading "Laugh", and the attendees roar with laughter] An ogre and a princess!
Princess Fiona: Shrek, is this true?
Lord Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after. Now kiss me! [Farquaad puckers up for a kiss]
[Fiona notices the sunset]
Princess Fiona: "By day one way, by night another." [to Shrek] I wanted to show you before.
[Fiona walks backwards towards the window, smiles sheepishly before closing her eyes. She then transforms back into an ogre, whispering: "True love's kiss, and then take love's true form." When she reveals her ogre form, the audiences gasps and one faints. Fiona opens her eyes and smiles to Shrek]
Shrek: [surprised, but amused] Well, uh… that explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad: [enraged] Urgh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get them out of my sight! Now! Get them! Get them both!
[Fiona looks at herself, and sees she is still an ogre]
Princess Fiona: Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
Princess Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really.
Donkey: I was hopin' this would be a happy endin'.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss; the song begins "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth]

Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party

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TBA

See also

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Taglines

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  • The greatest fairy tale never told.
  • The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again.

Cast

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
  Feature films     Shrek  (2001) · Shrek 2  (2004) · Shrek 3  (2007) · Shrek 4  (2010) · Puss in Boots  (2011) · Puss in Boots: The Last Wish  (2022) 
  Short films     Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party  (2001) · Shrek 4D  (2003) · Thriller Night  (2011) · Puss in Boots: the Three Diablos  (2012)  
  Television specials     Far Far Away Idol  (2004) · Shrek the Halls  (2007) · Scared Shrekless  (2010)
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