Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

Something, Something Something, Dark Side is a Family Guy special and a future episode of Season 8. It is the sequel to the Star Wars episode, Blue Harvest.

Dialogue

Han Solo/Peter Griffin: Well you've manage-to-keep-me-around-a-little-longer ness, it looks like you've managed to keep me around a little longer.

Princess Leia/Lois: I assure you, I had nothing to do with it.

Han Solo: Yeah right. I think you just can't stand to let a fat guy like me out of your sights.

Princess Leia: [angry] Why you stuck up, half witted, scruffy lookin' nerf herder!

[Han punches Leia in the face]

Han Solo: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

. . .

(Later, when the group is trying to escape from Hoth)

Princess Leia: This bucket of bolts will never make it past that blockade!

Han Solo: This bucket's got a few surprises left in her. Plus, me and Chewie are on it, ain't that right?

Chewbacca/Brian: Hell yeah! You my nerf herder!

Han Solo: You my nerf herder!

---

[Luke/Chris gets into his snow speeder]

Dak: Feeling okay, sir?

Luke/Chris: Just like new! How 'bout you?

Dak: I feel like I can take on the whole empire myself!

[Luke looks at Dak surprised]

Luke: That'd be awesome! [shouting] Hey everyone, Dak says he's got this one!

[the rebels all cheer and start landing their speeders]

Dak: You know it bitches!

[Dak takes off. In space, Dak flies up to the planet and stops, facing the imperial fleet]/

Dak: Hey imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dak!

[they shoot one laser blast at him blowing him up]

---

Leia: We're gonna be pulverized out here!

Han Solo: Look, we got four or five main characters on board this ship, I think we're gonna be fine.

---

C-3P0/Quagmire: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are TWO TO ONE!

Han Solo: Never tell me the...oh, well, those are actually pretty good. Yeah, let's keep going.

---

R2-D2/Cleveland: Who the hell are you?

Yoda/Carl: Well, I'm not Yoda. (pause) Okay, I'm Yoda.

Luke: You're Yoda? You're the one Obi-Wan sent me here to find! Will you teach me the ways of the Force?

Yoda: No, I will not teach you the ways of the Force. (pause) Okay, I'll teach you the ways of the Force.

---

[Han fires his blaster at a mynock. The ground shakes]

Han Solo: Wait a minute.

[Shoots the ground. It shakes again]

Han Solo: Hang on a second.

[Shoots the ground again]

Han Solo: What's going on here?

[Shoots again]

Han Solo: Something doesn't add up.

[Shoots again]

Han Solo: Just a minute.

[Shoots again]

Han Solo: Time out.

[Shoots again]

Han Solo: This ain't quite right.

[Shoots again]

Han Solo: Oh, now I get it. We should go.

---

[after the Millenium Falcon flies out of the Space Slug/Meg's mouth, she goes into her hole then comes back out]

Space Slug/Meg: How come I never have any lines in these things?

[the Millenium Falcon flies back to her]

Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.

[flies off]

---

[Darth Vader/Stewie is surveying a long line of bounty hunters, including Duane Chapman]

Darth Vader: Okay, nice bounty hunter turnout today. Let's see: we got Robot Guy (IG-88), Old timey deep-sea diver looking-Guy (Zuckuss), Lizard Guy who I think I saw get into a fight with Captain Kirk (Bossk), Boba Fett, of course, thanks for coming and...what are you supposed to be!?

Raggedy Andy: Raggedy Andy!

[pause]

Darth Vader: Get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting!

---

[Darth Vader/Stewie is in the Cloud City dining room, talking to two stormtroopers.]

Darth Vader: Okay, so they`re gonna come through that door and then you`re gonna come out with your guns ready. Or should it just be me? Yeah, yeah I like that better, okay just go away, go away.

[The rebels enter the dining room as the two stormtroopers leave.]

Darth Vader: Ah damn, I wasn`t ready! Uh, hi!

[Chewbacca/Brian growls and Han Solo/Peter shoots at Darth Vader, but Darth Vader deflects the lasers and uses the force to take Han`s gun.]

Darth Vader:[singing] Wonder Woman!

[Boba Fett/Giant Chicken and some stormtroopers enter]

Han Solo: Heh-heh! Look, the Giant Chicken`s Boba Fett!

---

[Han is about to be tortured by Darth Vader]

Darth Vader: Very well, Solo, if you won't talk, we have very effective means of torture!

Han Solo: Whoa! Well I don't wanna be tortured! All right, Luke's on Dagobah, there's a Rebel base of Kashyyykk and I'm the one who clogged the toilet on the 16th floor!

Darth Vader: URGH! That was disgusting! You know, because of that, I had to use the little pig people's bathroom! All right, start the torture!

---

Leia: I love you.

Han Solo: Fuck off.

---

[after Luke falls from a great distance while fighting Darth Vader/Stewie]

Luke:I would give my right hand for this day to just end.

---

Leia: Oh, no! They captured Han!

C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where they're taking him, we should rescue him in three years.

---

Darth Vader/Stewie:: No. I-oh, hang on. (to camera) Spoiler alert! (to Luke) No, I am your father!

Luke: Well, that's fine, but I don't see how that affects — Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

---

[Luke falls into a tube, a technician is working]

Luke: Hey, have you seen a hand down here?

[Technician looks innocent, as he has found the hand and has put it over his penis in his pants]

Technician: ....no.

---

Chewbacca: Is that him?

Leia: I'm not sure. Luke, if that's you wave your right hand... no your RIGHT hand!

Luke: IT'S ME, YOU FUCKERS!

---

[after Luke gets his hand replaced]

Luke: All right, is this thing good to go?

Medical Droid: Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

---

Luke: Wait a minute! This is how it ends!? There's so many questions left unanswered!

[a man from Western Union appears]

WU Man: Are you Luke Skywalker?

Luke: Yeah.

WU Man: I've got something for you...a letter!

[Luke opens the letter and reads it]

Luke: "Dear Luke, if my calculations are correct, you should receive this letter at the exact moment the Delorean vanished. I have been living happily for the past six months in the year 1885. The lightning bolt that...-" 1885!? THE DOC'S ALIVE! I mean, he's in the Old West, but he's alive!

[The theme from Back to the Future plays].

---

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.

Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job on that already, Dad.

Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.

Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you now that.

Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while, and I don't know that anyone else has.

Chris Griffin: I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.

Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? All 42 of them?

Chris Griffin: [sighes] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.

Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story then. It's called Without a Paddle.

Chris Griffin: FUCK YOU, DAD!