Murder, She Wrote

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Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996) is an American television mystery series starring Angela Lansbury as mystery writer and amateur detective Jessica Fletcher. It is one of the most successful and longest-running television shows in history, averaging close to 26 million viewers per week in its prime, and was a staple of the CBS Sunday night lineup for a decade. In syndication, the series is still highly successful throughout the world.

Lansbury was nominated for a total of ten Golden Globes, and 12 Emmy Awards for her work on Murder, She Wrote. She holds the record for the most Golden Globe nominations and wins for Best Actress in a television drama series and the most Emmy nominations for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for Murder, She Wrote, with those nominations netting her four Golden Globe awards. The series received three nominations but no wins in the Outstanding Drama Series category at the Emmys. It was nominated for a Golden Globe in the same category six times and won twice.

Pilot TV Movie[edit]

The Murder of Sherlock Holmes [0.1][edit]

Jessica: [picking up the phone] Hello.
Grady Fletcher: It's Grady, Aunt Jess!
Jessica: Grady?! What's the matter?
Grady: Nothing's the matter, Aunt Jess. Everything is terrific.
Jessica: Nothing's terrific at 6.30 in the morning.

Kitty Donovan: It's a pleasure, Mrs. Fletcher. Grady's told me so much about you.
Jessica: Isn't that a coincidence? Grady has told me absolutely nothing about you.

Jessica: Well, actually, I never suspected that my book would be published. I really wrote it for my enjoyment, I guess, like needlepoint, paint...
TV Book Critic: Ah, then you have no pretensions to creating literature. How refreshing in an era dedicated to the beautification of the trivial and the canonization of the mundane.
Jessica: Well, on the other hand, people seem to enjoy it.
TV Book Critic: The people, yes. Well, of course, we both know, dear lady, it takes very little to please the folks from Dubuque. How else do you explain television?
Jessica: Oh, I couldn't. Television is your business, not mine.

[At a book signing]
Jessica: Oh my goodness, 8 copies! You must be a real book lover. To whom shall I inscribe them?
Man: Just sign your name and the date, honey. This is just an investment. If you ever become somebody, they might be worth something.

Jessica: These last few days I have been insulted, browbeaten and patronized and I say no thank you! Back in Cabot Cove, the only thing with claws are the lobsters and we eat them.

Preston Giles: The party tonight. We're all coming tonight as our favorite fictional character. I know, I know. You don't have a thing to wear.
Jennifer: [with a wink] Well, I can always come as Lady Godiva.

Peter Brill: Alas, Preston, madam wishes to hear a potpourri of Rodgers and Hart.
Guest dressed as Peter Pan: Hammerstein
Peter: Even worse.

Chief Roy Gunderson: Folks don't go around having half their heads blown off for no reason. I'm looking for motive.
Peter: For killing Caleb McCallum? Surely you jest. Half the country had reason to kill him. The other half didn't know him.

Chief Gunderson: I read your book.
Jessica: Oh, you did? How nice!
Chief Gunderson: Didn't say I liked it. Said I read it.

Jessica: [about romantic relationships] Back home, we have a saying. Flowers that bloom too quickly are fair game for a late frost.

Captain Caleb McCallum: Ashley had an alibi that night, which is more than I can say for your nephew.
Jessica: Grady was with Kit Donovan.
Captain McCallum: That's like Bonnie Parker alibiing Clyde Barrow.

Jessica: Excuse me, do you have four quarters for a dollar?
Bag Lady: No, but I've got three quarters for a dollar.
Jessica: You must do quite well.
Bag Lady: Beats the hell out of welfare, sweetie.

Peter: [To an agent after an audition] Marvin, your client's talent is exceeded only by her monumental capacity of flatulation of the treble clef. Yes, I've heard all I need to hear. Thank you so much, Ms. Devine.
Devine: That means I stink, right? Hey, well, listen, buddy, you don't play so hot either!
Peter: Yes, but you see, I've only had two hours sleep. Whereas with you, sweet thing, the oblivion of Morpheus seems to be a perpetual state of mind.

Chief Gunderson: You boys know anything about sailing?
Policeman: Sure, a little bit.
Chief Gunderson: Belay that winch. Let's hoist that mainsail. [Policeman looks at him quizzically] Turn the crank.

Season 1[edit]

Deadly Lady [1.1][edit]

Ralph: Yes, ma'am, I've been hoboing for about as long as I can remember but you must understand I am not a bum. I work for what I get. [Picks up a book] Hey, I read this story. Good book. [Sees the author's photo] You wrote this!
Jessica: I did.
Ralph: Mrs. Fletcher, you astound me.
Jessica: Oh, Ralph. You're not astounded at all. As a matter of fact, you're full of clam dip. Now, sit down and eat.
Ralph: Ma'am, you misjudge me.
Jessica: No, sir, you misjudge me. That book is a pre-publication copy. It hasn't even been released yet. Secondly, your clothes may be faded but they are exquisitely tailored. And third, the term is "bo" and not "hoboing". And finally, on your wrist is an imprint where a watch used to be.

Sheriff Amos Tupper: I'm talking about foul play! A hundred million dollars is a whale of a motive!
Captain Ethan Cragg: Amos, you've been reading too many of Jessica's books.
Sheriff Tupper: Well, that's how much you know, Ethan. I haven't read any of them.

Jessica: Mozart?
Ralph: Food for the soul. An empty head is almost as bad as an empty belly.

[When Nancy Earl's ex-fiancée shows up just after her rich father dies]
Jessica: A relative?
Lisa Earl Shelby: No, but he sure would like to be.

Maggie Earl: You're very clever, Mrs. Fletcher.
Jessica: Merely logical.

Birds of a Feather [1.2][edit]

Jessica: Lieutenant Novack, did you notice the small white feather on Mr. Drake's jacket?
Lt. Floyd Novack: Who are you?
Jessica: I'm Jessica Fletcher.
Lt. Novack: Did you see the murder?
Jessica: Well, actually, no. I was sitting out front watching the show.
Lt. Novack: Then, Ms. Fletcher, would you mind doing me a great big favor?
Jessica: I'll do absolutely anything I can to help.
Lt. Novack: Would you please get out of here?

Lt. Novack: You don't seem exactly broken up over Drake's death.
Freddy York: I'll tell you what, I'll split a bouquet with you. Pick whatever kind of flowers you want.

Howard Griffin: [about his former insurance job] Mrs. Fletcher, do you know how hard it is to sit in someone's living room when they'd rather be watching television and tell them how rich they're gonna be after they're dead?

Jessica: We've only had one killer in our family. 1777, I believe, and the Redcoats shot first.

Jessica: Now, look, I've got the name of a very good lawyer. Is there anything else you need?
Howard: How about a pair of pants?

Hooray for Homicide [1.3][edit]

Jerry Lydecker: Nudity is necessary for the story. It reveals Jenny's true character.
Jessica: In my story, Jenny was Jonny, the 10 year old son of a Presbyterian minister. And he didn't take off his shirt in 200 pages.

Marta Quintessa: By the way, Lieutenant, sorry to bring this up but shouldn't someone tell our star that her star-maker has gone to his Maker?

Allan Gebhart: [About Hollywood] In this town, Mrs. Fletcher, we have two kinds of people. Those who are working and those in development. The ones in development spend a lot of time in the unemployment office.

Jessica: Such a shame about Mr. Lydecker. I'm sure he was a great help to you in your career.
Scott Bennett: Like a pair of combat boots at a track meet.

Allan: [Giving a toast] To the Corpse Danced At Midnight, the film that died at noon.

It's a Dog's Life [1.4][edit]

Trish Langley: My little niece here is into electronic music: Tweeters, woofers, heavy metal. Still sounds like cats in heat.
Echo Cramer: And so do you, Aunt Trish.

Tom Cassidy: Abby's told me a lot about you, Mrs. Fletcher. It's an honour to meet a world famous writer.
Jessica: Oh, but an infamous writer, I'm afraid.

Abby Benton Freestone: Around here, some of the real beasts walk on two legs.

Marcus Boswell: Hello again, Echo. I'm sorry we have to meet under such sad circumstances.
Echo: Funny. That's what the undertaker said.

Jessica: Just as I suspected. When under stress, the English always head for the teapot.

Lovers and Other Killers [1.5][edit]

Dr. Edmund Gerard: You're a very famous person these days.
Jessica: Oh, Edmund! Elizabeth Taylor, now that is famous! Me, I still have to take a number at Hoopers Bakery, same as ever.

Jessica: Starving students should not joke about money with successful writers.

Jessica: Oh, Amelia, for heaven's sake! Only a blind person would misread your feelings for Edmund, who it seems is in desperate need of a very good optometrist.

Jack Kowalski: You ask a lot of questions.
Jessica: I'm nosy.

David Tolliver: I was enjoying your writing. Send me a copy of the book when it's finished?
Jessica: I may do better. You may end up being a character.
David: And what would I be? A victim, a suspect, a killer?
Jessica: I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Hit, Run and Homicide [1.6][edit]

Jessica: [About her speech for Founder's Day] Well, how does this sound? "Captain Joshua Wade: A free-spirited adventurer who seized opportunities wherever he could find them."
Lois: Jessica, he was a pirate.
Jessica: Well, I'm trying to state that as delicately as I can.

Daniel O'Brien: A whirlwind courtship. Better nail her down fast.
Katie Simmons: Well, that sure is interesting advice, especially coming from the country's original confirmed bachelor.

Tony Holiday: Ms. Fletcher, anything new on the investigation?
Jessica: Sheriff Tupper is exploring several possibilities.
Daniel: Got out his own Ouija board, huh?

Tonyː [About a psychiatric evaluation for an insanity plea] I know you hate the idea that Uncle Daniel might be unbalanced but what I do know is that neither of us want to see him end up in jail.
Jessicaː No, we don't. Whatever happened to the notion "Innocent until proven guilty"?

Danielː May I offer a toast to the two ladies in my life? To the one who just saved my life and to the other who's been saving it for years, only I was too preoccupied to notice.

We're off to Kill the Wizard [1.7][edit]

Jessicaː A good guest is like Halley's Comet, seen and enjoyed, seldom and briefly. Right after my lecture, I go straight back to Cabot Cove.
Carol Donovanː I'll miss you.
Jessicaː Good. Then you'll invite me back again.

Jessicaː Mr. Baldwin, have you lured me here to offer me some sort of job?
Horatioː Please, Mrs. Fletcher, permit me the seduction before you cry rape.

Horatioː Horatio Baldwin presents J.B. Fletcher's Mansion of Murder and Mayhem! A panoply of blood and gore! Chills and thrills! Screaming Mimis in three octavesǃ The kids will love it!
Jessicaː The kids?
Horatioː Who do you think pays to see this stuff? Don't you go to the movies?
Jessicaː When Cary Grant bowed out, so did I.
Horatio: Violence! That's what pays, Mrs. Fletcher. That's money in the bank.
Jessica: No, that's disgraceful!
Horatio: Come, come, dear lady. Why this moral outrage? I read your books. We're in the same business.
Jessica: No, Mr. Baldwin. I write for people who read. You apparently stage your bloodbaths for tots who have not yet learned to differentiate the difference between your sordid charades and the real world. There's quite a difference.
Horatio: I'm not used to being refused.
Jessica: They do say a new experience broadens the mind.

Phillip: [About Horatio Baldwin] Face it, Mrs. Fletcher. Beneath the Santa Claus smile beat the heart of a sewer rat.

Jessica: Since Mr. Gardner risked bringing me here at the point of a gun, I assume he feels a very strong attachment to you.
Erica Baldwin: For the past two years, Horatio chose a celibate life, Mrs. Fletcher. With Michael's co-operation, I didn't.

Death Takes a Curtain Call [1.8][edit]

Major Anatole Karzof: Major Anatole Karzof, Committee of State Security.
Jessica: KGB.
Major Karzof: Oh well, if you prefer.

Major Karzof: Radicals! So vociferous on camera but quiet as church mice after interrogation.

Major Karzof: You're not being very helpful, Sheriff. I want to find them and now!
Sheriff Tupper: Major, there's no call to raise your voice. I'm doing my best.
Major Karzof: I'm becoming very aware of that.

Skip Fleming: Well, if no one objects, I'll just get the hell out of here.
Jessica: I was about to suggest the same thing, Mr. Fleming. Good night.

Major Karzof: Farewell, my dear Jessica. I look forward to your next novel.
Jessica: I'd like to send you a signed copy if it won't compromise you in the Kremlin.
Major Karzof: Sometimes, a man likes to be compromised, eh?

Death Casts a Spell [1.9][edit]

[About attending a hypnosis session]
Andy Townsend: I managed to scare up a few of the local reporters but having you in the group would give it a real touch of class.
Jessica: Thanks but I'm headed for my bed. I'm going to go to sleep the old-fashioned way.

Jessica: Good morning, Mr. Michaels.
Bud Michaels: Is it? I didn't notice.

Jessica: An unfaithful mate is the oldest motive in the world.

Jessica: That's the puzzle. Those who were inside didn't have motives and those with motives couldn't get inside.

Capital Offense [1.10][edit]

Jessica: Doesn't sound very honest to me.
Joe Blinn: In this city, that is a word for which there is no clear definition.

Det. Lt. Avery Mendelsohn: Maybe you should have been a cop.
Jessica: I am a cop... when I'm at the typewriter.

Kaye Sheppard: Mrs. Fletcher, how delightful you could join me.
Jennifer: I could hardly refuse your urgent invitation, Mrs... or is it Miss Sheppard?
Kaye: Miss. Permanently. Irrevocably.

Jessica: Amazing. You didn't choke and you hardly blinked an eyelash.
Ray Dixon: What?
Jessica: Lying is a very difficult art, Mr. Dixon, but you have mastered it beautifully.

Murderer: I'm no different than anyone else in this town, Mrs. Fletcher. You buy and you sell people, legislation and influence. There's a price tag on everything and everyone. And I was doing real well too until Martha got just a little too big for her pantyhose.
Jessica: And did you think you were the only one to play the game of buy and sell?

Broadway Malady [1.11][edit]

Rita Bristol: We'll knock their shoes off!
Barry Bristol: Socks.
Rita: Those too!

Rita: [About Jessica Fletcher] This lady happens to write the most delicious mysteries this side of Conan Doyle.

Rita: Funny thing about having your name in lights. When the power fails, you learn a lot about yourself and your "friends".

Murder to a Jazz Beat [1.12][edit]

Lafayette Duquesne: I always say that whatever time a man's got spending it with good food, good friends, good music and good conversation, man can't die no ways but happy.

Jonathan Hawley: In New Orleans! It's a Cajun paradise! The cradle of jazz, oozing the warmth of provincial France, boasting the most succulent culinary delights this side of Paris, tastes and smells worthy of kings and their consorts!

Jonathan: Cops. That's the one thing about New Orleans that's no different from the rest of the country.

Jessica: I see. You're a patron of the arts.
Dr. Aaron Kramer: No, that's someone with class. I'm just a talent broker with a tin ear.

Jonathan: You'd have thrived very nicely in the old West, Detective Kershaw. You have a fine talent for hip-shooting.

My Johnny Lies Over the Ocean [1.13][edit]

Carla Raymond: I'll feel much better after I get my hair done!
Phoebe Carroll: You had your hair done!
Carla: That was yesterday!

Jessica: The truth is that you can be married to someone and think you know them intimately. And then... Well, it's hard to know yourself, let alone another person.

Captain Daniels: If she's insane, then I am too.
Jessica: That's precisely what the Bordens said about their daughter Lizzie.

Phoebe: All right, Ms. Pig Out. Don't ask to borrow my bathing suit. No way!
Carla: [scarfing down cake] Listen, Phoebe! Stuff it, will ya?
Phoebe: That's cute. I like that. Look who's talking?
Carla: I happen to be the victim of a very tragic love affair.
Phoebe: You talking about the king of the cowboys? He was a jerk, Carla!
Carla: He was cute! And he was single.
Phoebe: There's a very good reason for that.

Paint Me a Murder [1.14][edit]

Willard Kaufmann: First rule of eavesdropping: Never complain if you don't like what you hear.

Margo Santana: [Indicating Willard and Belle] I don't suppose you'd like to play peacemaker. There's a minor war breaking out over there.
Insp. Henry Kyle: Yes, Diego's taste in old friends is so egomaniacal it's a wonder any of them speak the same language. I'll see what I can do but charming snakes has always been one of my minor talents.

Henry: [Deadpan] J.B. Fletcher. I can hardly wait.
Diego Santana: Oh, you know her?
Henry: Only by reputation.
Diego: You'll have a treat in store, Henry.
Henry: I find most women author to be cold fish, particularly the mystery writers. All this nonsense about bodies buried in rose gardens.

Belle: I looked over at Margo and I thought the way she was looking at Diego was the same way I used to look at him. I'm sorry, Elaine. I've been trying very hard for the last three days but I guess I'm not sophisticated enough to play the charade, that's all.

Sir John Landry: The art business is very volatile, subject to the whims of a tasteless public.

Tough Guys Don't Die [1.15][edit]

Harry McGraw: It took a lot of guts to face me down in here, not knowing who I was.
Jessica: Didn't take any guts at all, Mr. McGraw. While I was out, I phoned the Sheriff.

Harry: Look, Mrs. Fletcher, why don't you take some advice? Why don't you devote that boundless energy of yours to needlepoint or bridge club?
Jessica: I tried that and that's precisely the reason I wrote my first book. I was bored out of my mind.
Harry: Well, I read your first book and I was bored out of my mind.
Jessica: It's your privilege.

Det. Lt. Starkey: Archie Miles was like a father to us. We didn't just like the guy. We loved him, all of us. So believe me, we want to see his killer go down. Permanently. And that's why we're all gonna stay out of Harry McGraw's way.
Jessica: So Mr. McGraw can try, sentence and execute him?
Det. Starkey: Naturally, we'd prefer he turn him over to us first.
Jessica: And if he doesn't?
Det. Starkey: Then at least, we won't have to worry about the possibility of some slick lawyer getting the dirt bag off on a technicality.

Harry: You are trouble.
Jessica: Thank you.

Jessica: Mr. McGraw, may I make a suggestion?
Harry: Why should you stop now?

Gavin Daniels: I'm gonna tell you a secret, Jessica. I'm still in love with the woman, always will be. That's why we've enjoyed such a marvelous divorce.

Det. Starkey: Harry, don't do something stupid.
Harry: Is that official or just a piece of friendly advice?
Det. Starkey: Both.
Harry: You know me, Starkey. I never shot a rattlesnake that didn't bite me first.

Harry: [Confronting the killer] You better pray you get convicted 'cause that's the only way you're gonna see your next birthday.

Harry: Life's a circus, do you understand? Now some people, they just see the tents and they drive by. Other people are in there walking on the high-wire. That's me. All I'm saying is don't sit back and watch. Jump in.
Jessica: Harry, I do believe you are offering me a job!
Harry: McGraw & Fletcher. Your brains, my knuckles.

Sudden Death [1.16][edit]

Phil Kreuger: This is Web McCord, my associate. He's the one that collects Leopards.
Jessica: Not the wild variety, I hope.
Web McCord: No, but some of these animals belong in cages.

Brad Lockwood: Phil died intestate.
Mavis Kreuger: How awful! I never knew that about Phil.
Brad: Mavis, that means he didn't leave a will.

Coach Pat Patillo: Mrs. Fletcher, I think you just put my defensive captain on the injured reserve.
Jessica: Does that mean he's not dead?
Coach Patillo: Not quite.

Web: Mrs. Fletcher is something of an amateur detective.
Jessica: No, I'm just trying to help a friend.

Grover Dillon: Be careful, Mrs. Fletcher. People who get hurt by football aren't always on the field.
Jessica: I think someone was just trying to scare me off.
Grover: Looks like you don't scare easily.
Jessica: I scare all right, but at least it proves I'm on the right track.

Tank Mason: I've been watching you and you've got pretty good wind for an old broad... I'm sorry. I bet you're very well-preserved... No, what I mean is-
Jessica: [Laughs] I know what you mean, Tank. And thanks for the compliment.

Footnote to Murder [1.17][edit]

Jessica: Are we going to that reception?
Horace Lynchfield: With free drinks, that is a rhetorical question.

Tiffany Harrow: You know, it's too bad you're not up for an award this year, Mr. Post.
Hemsley Post: Well, even the mighty oak must let a little sunshine on the rising saplings.

Hemsley: Why don't you come back after the party? Have a drink?
Alexis Post: Thank you. I'd rather remember things the way they were.

Lucinda Lark: Isn't it exciting? Everyone's reading "Woman Unleashed"!
Adrian Winslow: Well, that sort of thing has always sold well over and under the counter.

Tiffany: I'm not a writer. By and large, writers starve. The power of money is in publishing.

Frank Lapinski: I've read a couple of your books. Lightweight, but kind of fun.
Jessica: Thank you very much. I never planned to be Dostoevsky.

Adrian: I suppose you're going to steal Hemsley's murder for a book?
Jessica: Well, good plots are hard to come by. But of course, this one doesn't have an ending.

Jessica: At the risk of sounding like a nag horse, you're gonna have to do something about your drinking.
Horace: Are you saying to cut back? That's like depriving a race car of its gasoline.

Murder Takes the Bus [1.18][edit]

Miriam Radford: I think you're a wonderful writer. In fact, you're in my top ten most stolen list.
Jessica: Your what?
Miriam: Most stolen. I'm a librarian. We have had to replace copies of your books a dozen times over the last couple of years. People check them out and absolutely will not return them.

Miriam: As you can see, my husband's mind is cluttered with all sorts of interesting trivia.
Prof. Kent Radford: Better a little cluttered than a empty attic.

Sheriff Tupper: After his speech, they had a drawing for the big TV set. I knew we should have been there.
Jessica: Oh, Amos, I'm so sorry. But as nice as that TV set might have been, I'm sure you can live without it.
Sheriff Tupper: But it wasn't my name they drew, Ms. Fletcher. It was yours.

Armed Response [1.19][edit]

Milton Porter: Gross negligence, open-handed! We're looking at $50,000 here minimum
Jessica: Oh, that's ridiculous!
Milton: You're right. We'll make it $100,000!

Dr. Samuel Garver: Ms. Wells, I'm very familiar with Mr. Ogden's complaints. Now, there's nothing wrong with that man.
Nurse Jennie Wells: No, sir. Nothing that would show up on a chart.
Dr. Sam: How nice that we agree. Bye now.

Jessica: (Your cast) looks very uncomfortable. How did you do it?
Sadie Winthrope: Got mine trying to take a shortcut on the Texas two-step.

Nurse Marge Horton: Maine can be beautiful this time of year, Mrs. Fletcher.
Jessica: Maine is beautiful any time of the year, Ms. Horton. Though I must confess I don't miss those 10 foot snowdrifts.

Lt. Ray Jenkins: I just got transferred here from a real rough neighborhood. Now to me, a murder is when a guy in a bar kills another guy in a bar.

Jessica: Of course it's the murder weapon! Whoever heard of framing anyone with the wrong gun?!

Milton: Mrs. Fletcher, is that all you've got to say to me after all we've been through?
Jessica: There is one other thing. See you in court.

Murder at the Oasis [1.20][edit]

Peggy Shannon: Forget it, Jess. I'm not ready for romance.
Jessica: But it's been years since your divorce from Johnny!
Peggy: I survived the divorce. I'm not sure I survived the marriage.

Peggy: Mickey, what do you know about last night?
Mickey Shannon: We both know. Johnny Shannon wasn't loved by his loved ones.

Buster Bailey: [About Mickey] He hates guns. When all the kids were playing Cops and Robbers, he was playing Agents and Accountants.

Peggy: Once, he even took a girl away from Buster Bailey.
Jessica: Buster must have resented that.
Peggy: It broke his heart. Until he made a joke about it.

Det. Sgt. Barnes: I remember rumors of Johnny having mob connections. But why would they want to have him iced?
Jessica: Suppose he had a falling out with Milo Valentine?
Det. Barnes: That wouldn't be a falling out. That'd be a plunge in Lake Michigan with concrete booties on.

Terry Shannon: [Seeing a video recording of her father flirting with a showgirl] That guy on the screen is some stranger. My daddy is the man is this picture with Mickey and me.

Buster: You don't think I would stoop to listening in at keyholes? [Jessica gives him a look] Okay, okay, so I happened to drop a cigar and my ear chanced to rub the door as I went to pick the cigar up.

Murderer: [Surrendering the murder weapon] You really do take the prize.
Jessica: This means a great deal to me.
Murderer: As a trophy of your victory?
Jessica: No, as the only real evidence I have that you killed Johnny Shannon.

Funeral at Fifty-Mile [1.21][edit]

Sally Mestin: What's on your alleged mind, honey?
Mary Carver: You are, ma'am! You are on my mind, you are in my hair and you're on my nerves!

Season 2[edit]

Widow, Weep for Me [2.1][edit]

Jessica: [Posing as a rich spoiled widow] My wire specified your largest finest suite.
Desk Clerk: I'm afraid, madam, that the King Louie is already occupied but I'm sure you'll find the Bonaparte quite acceptable.
Jessica: Young woman, I have never found that little Corsican even barely tolerable.

Myrna Montclair LeRoy: Well, I do hope you enjoy your stay.
Jessica: I'm sure I will, Ms. Montclair, or it will be a short one.

Chief Inspector Claude Rensselaer: Madame, do you realize that your assumed identity and all this gaudy jewelry makes you a target for the thief?
Jessica: Well, I certainly hope so.

Jessica: It's a pity you're so shy.
Michael Hagarty: God cursed me with a natural gift of the gab and an unnatural interest in my fellow man.

Sheldon Greenberg: I've been thinking about what you said about Eric Brahm.
Chief Inspector Rensselaer: Your employer?
Sheldon: Hey, my loyalty stops at two dead bodies.

Michael Hagarty: You know, I'm a bit annoyed with you.
Jessica: That's nothing compared to what I feel for you, Mr. Hagarty. You gave me a very nasty scare earlier today and now I feel merely angry.
Michael: But no longer frightened. That makes you either very brave or very foolish.

Myrna: Eric had nothing with those murders!
Eric Brahm: Myrna, be quiet.
Myrna: So you can be crucified on the cross of innuendo? My god, the whispers can be heard clear to the States.

Michael: What's this I've always heard about crusty New Englanders?
Jessica: It's just a rumor started by our forefathers to keep out the tourists.
Michael: I see. And if someday I should show up at your doorstep?
Jessica: An exception might be made.
Michael: Then in that case, the question is no longer if but when.

Joshua Peabody Died Here... Possibly [2.2][edit]

Harry Pierce: This isn't some bird sanctuary that you're trying to save. This could get ugly.
David Marsh: It already has.

Del Scott: I'm here covering Henderson Wheatley's latest controversial enterprise. I would like your opinion
Jessica: My opinion? Why?
Del: You're Cabot Cove's most famous citizen.
Jessica: For my books, not my opinions.

Henderson Wheatley: What kind of a jerkwater town is this?
Jessica: A town that knows how to take care of itself, Mr. Wheatley.

Sheriff Tupper: David, you have the right to remain silent.
Jessica: And I think that would be a good idea.

FBI Agt. Fred Keller: A man must be pretty special to have people willing to stand up before an agent of the United States Department of Justice and each one willing to risk charges of perjury, obstruction of justice and harboring a fugitive. Not many men have friends like that.

Murder in the Afternoon [2.3][edit]

Herbert Upton: A woman is ne'er a woman 'til time does line her face,
For it's time that gives her beauty and charm and quiet grace.
Bibi Hartman: Robert Burns.
Herbert: Herbert Upton.

Julian Tenley: C'mon now, you two. Don't let a long day and frazzled nerves make you say things that you don't really mean.
Joyce Holleran: Julian, if you don't mind-
Julian: Anger left standing only festers.

Lt. Antonelli: Mrs. Fletcher, let me be frank. Your kind of writing is not my kind of reading.
Jessica: Well, Lieutenant, let me be even franker. Anyone who is capable of imagining that my niece can commit murder is being grossly overpaid for taking up valuable space in this office.

Jessica: Look, lieutenant. We're both looking for the same thing. Cooperation is the only way!
Lt. Antonelli: I've stopped looking.

School for Scandal [2.4][edit]

Beryl Hayward: Jessica, I am so looking forward to hearing your commencement address.
Jessica: Well, I'm still rewriting. Books are easy compared to speeches.

Daphne Clover: You remember Nick, mother?
Dr. Jocelyn Laird: I'm afraid I do.

Dr. Jocelyn: Daphne, I don't want to be rude.
Daphne Clover: But you're going to try.

Daphne: Art is where it's at. My business manager just bought me a few impressionists. You know what they say: "Keep your money where you can see it", right? I hear Picasso is really hot.
Jessica: Well, his pictures may be hot but I hear that Picasso is dead.

Jessica: Chief, excuse me, but I'm not sure-
Police Chief E. Griffin: I am, Mrs. Fletcher.

Dr. Jocelyn Laird: Do you know how much I made for that Walt Whitman biography? Barely enough to pay for a second-hand car. Then I heard how much one of those trash merchants were paid recently. Sordid sex, that's what they wanted. And I was a proper pauper in the literary world while hacks with a third-rate vocabulary were living like royalty!

Sing a Song of Murder [2.5][edit]

Oliver Trumbull: A bloke never gets in trouble chasing women. It's after they're caught the trouble begins.

Emma McGill: You know, if this weather weren't so ghastly, I think we'd have done much better.
Bridget O'Hara: Right. That and have the powerman black out the telly.
Emma: Oh, for pity's sake! Television can't compare with the sort of live entertainment that we provide.
Bridget: Well, you're right about that. But nothing goes on forever. Even ol' Queen Victoria found that out, she did.
Emma: If you're hinting that I should retire-
Bridget: Oh, no, ma'am. I've passed by hinting around six years ago.

Jessica: Emma, you've set me up.
Emma: Oh, no, luv! I've merely put you in a position to learn something.

Bridget: His wife, Violet? Now there's one who would make Lady Macbeth seem like a flower girl.

Reflections of the Mind [2.6][edit]

Francesca Lodge: I thought I was alone. I heard noises. I guess I overreacted.
Jessica: That's enough to frighten anyone. Believe me, I'm an expert on the subject. In my books, of course.

[Sheriff Bodine has learned that a murder was done due to drugs and not mechanical trouble]
Sheriff Bodine: You know I got grease all over my best uniform?
Jessica: It could have been the brake line.
Sheriff Bodine: That's all right, ma'am. If it wasn't for you, we could still be saying it was nothing but an accident.

Jessica: Margaret, did you clear away the cocktail things yesterday?
Margaret: Yes. Are the glasses clean?
Jessica: Yes, they're absolutely spotless. But this is a new unopened bottle.
Margaret: Yes, ma'am.
Jessica: But when Mr. Lodge made the drinks yesterday, he opened a new bottle and there should be a good part of that one left.
Margaret: In all my years, I've never been accused of dipping into the household liquor!
Jessica: No, that isn't what I meant.
Margaret: I know what you meant, ma'am! But if you're looking for somebody with a dry mouth and a shifty eye, you should talk to that no-account gardener Carl.
Jessica: No, you misunderstood. What I'm saying is that the gin in that bottle could be very dangerous.
Margaret: You can say that again. It was gin that carried off my brother Arnold, may he rest in peace. That's why I never touch the stuff.

Jessica: What is it about a death that makes people have second thoughts about what they've written down on paper?

Jessica: Well, at least keep an open mind.
Sheriff Bodine: Funny. I was about to offer you the same suggestion.

Jessica: I heard something last night. Someone was in this room.
Sheriff Bodine: Well then, he was wearing a red suit and left his reindeer on the roof because even the windows are nailed shut.

Jessica: Even ghosts disturb dust when they move vases.

A Lady in the Lake [2.7][edit]

Grace Overholtz: Your job is to look after the boats, not the female guests!
Jack Turney: She made the moves on me. I had to be polite.
Grace: She is married!
Jack: I think she knows that. Anything else, boss lady?
Grace: Jack, don't look for trouble.
Jack: That's not what I was looking for.

Howard Crane: [About one of her books] The cover showed some babe in a sexy nightgown. I never got to the good stuff.
Jessica: I sometimes have a little difficulty living up to my covers.

Sheriff Tupper: As soon as I have Crane's statement, I'll have this case all wrapped up.
Jessica: You sound awfully sure of that.
Sheriff Tupper: I wish they were all this easy. They don't always an unimpeachable eyewitness like you, Mrs. Fletcher.

Sheriff Tupper: This is gonna look real good to the grand jury. The prosecution's star witness trying to prove that the accused is innocent of the crime that she saw him commit!

[About Joanna's habit of running naked in the woods]
Jessica: Isn't that an unusually beautiful robe? But then I gathered that you are a very unusual young lady.
Joanna Benson: You saw me in the woods this morning.
Jessica: Barely.

Murderer: It wasn't fair!
Jessica: And what you did to Carolyn Clare, was that fair?

Dead Heat [2.8][edit]

Vince Shackman: You like surprises, Bowen? So do I, except I like to do the surprising.

Jessica: I'm not much of a better.
Ernie: That's what I used to say before my brother Ron dragged me to the races so now I put my dollar in my money belt under my shorts. That way, I gotta undress to get to my cash.
Jessica: That's one way to hold on to your money.
Ernie: Are you kiddin'? If I had a hot one, I'd go to the window in my birthday suit!

Tracy McGill: Dad was here last week. He doesn't think much of having a jockey in the family.
Jessica: Give him time to get used to the idea. Remember the time he swore he'd never use unleaded gas?

Christine Carpenter: Jessica has given me my first winner of the day.
Jessica: Something about the color of my scarf. I hope the horse knows.

Jessica: I'm delighted to help.
Lt. Misko: You will be more help than I'll need.
Jessica: Believe me, lieutenant, I have no intention of butting into your case.
Lt. Misko: My gut tells me different. Maybe it's indigestion.

Jessica: By the way, there is one little thing that has been bothering me.
Pat Phillips: Only one? Glad to hear it.

Vince: Now to you, I may look like a bad guy. But I'm a normal person, just like you. I own a house with a mortgage, I drive a nice car, my wife is a kvetch but I love her, my eldest is going to dental school, my daughter is heavily into ballet. But this Bowen thing is messing everything up.
Jessica: And it's messing up my niece Tracy as well.
Vince: If I thought she iced the guy, I'd give her a bunch of roses and a good lawyer.
Jessica: She didn't!
Vince: She must know something about the race! Anything! Because if she doesn't, in the next couple of days, my wife may be heavily into mourning and grieving.

Lt. Misko: You see, the last two years, I've been keeping track of my bets in this little black book. Not using real money, mind you, because with real money, I'd be, what, 350,000 dollars in the hole. But I figure that's how much I may have had with therapy.
Jessica: But every once in a while, a big winner comes and spoils your fun.

Cabbie: Where'd you get your license from, the Braille Institute?!
Guzman: How'd you like to wear that steering wheel for a bowtie?!

Jessica Behind Bars [2.9][edit]

Mary Stamm: I used to always dream of being a writer.
Jessica: It's never too late to start. Look at me. I'm living proof.
Mary: You didn't have to fight your way past the parole board.
Jessica: I can't believe you'll ever have a difficult time. Why? What are you in for?
Mary: I murdered my husband.

Jessica: Ms. Tug, I thought your story was quite delightful.
Tug: Say what?
Jessica: I particularly liked the way the gas station bandit was caught, having the getaway car shift into reverse by mistake and crash into the police car. Now that showed a great deal of imagination.
Tug: Not exactly. That's the way it happened.

Jessica: Why would the cook come running to the doctor's office?
Bertha: Maybe she ate some of her own cooking.

Jessica: If this is navarin printanier, I'm afraid both the lamb and the vegetables died of old age. I suggest you give it a decent burial.

Jessica: What about Mary? She had a parole hearing coming up?
Warden Elizabeth Gates: She still does.
Jessica: Perhaps I should warn you. I intend to do everything in my power to help with that hearing.
Warden Gates: Don't worry, Jessica. So do I.

Sticks and Stones [2.10][edit]

Jessica: Er... Michael, about this series of books that you are writing -
Michael Digby: -all dealing with undiscovered pockets of Americana rich in heritage.
Jessica: Yes, well, uh-
Michael: I hope this won't sound vain but I'm going to put Cabot Cove on the map.
Jessica: If I'm not mistaken, it already is.
Michael: I mean everybody's map! And the last place I covered has really boomed! A new golf course, artist condos, a marina.
Jessica: But what happened to the heart of the town?
Michael: They turned it into a shopping mall.

Elvira Tree: I do not have to submit to these insults. I will have you off my property, Mr. Hoffman!
Friedrich Hoffman: You forget my lease!
Elvira: You, sir, forget your manners!

Amos Tupper: My peacekeeping days are behind me... Of course, nothing to say I couldn't help out, especially for an old friend like Harry.

Jessica: I'm just thinking about what's happening to this town.
Michael: You mean my book? I know you don't think much of it-
Jessica: Oh no no, I was referring to some unpleasant undercurrents, not to mention electrical currents.

Sheriff Harry Pierce: One thing is sure. I've got the killer behind bars. Now I just have to figure out which one it is.

Michael: This is one town I'd like to remember the way it was before I got here.

Murder Digs Deep [2.11][edit]

Jessica: [Fanning herself] Is the weather always like this?
Dr. Seth Hazlitt: Nope! It starts to get hot in a couple of hours. Jess, when I suggested you write a book called "Murder at the Dig", I never dreamed you'd come meandering out to a place like this.
Jessica: Suggested? As I recall, it was more like a dare!
Dr. Hazlitt: Now that I don't recall. In any case, when you leave here, you'll have one hell of a book or one hell of a suntan. Maybe even both.

Jessica: Well, I've met the resident egomaniac, the ingenue and the juvenile.
Dr. Hazlitt: Not to mention the mysterious Indian and the crusty Yankee doctor.
Jessica: At this rate, I'll have enough characters for a trilogy.

Dr. Stan Garfield: So will you be working with us in the pit?
Jessica: Wherever the action is!
Dr. Hazlitt: I hope you enjoy digging a six-foot trench with a teaspoon.

Jessica: How do you do?
Cynthia Armstrong: Don't ask.

Dr. Hazlitt: Karen and Steve. They've been sniping at each other since I got here.
Jessica: Well, it's either a case of heat rash or... something else.
Dr. Hazlitt: What, you mean romance?! C'mon, you've seen too many Gable Harlow movies!
Jessica: Seth, the trouble with you is you haven't seen enough.

Dr. Hazlitt: That Armstrong fella is amazing. He could fall into a pig sty and come up president of the hogs.

Dr. Benton: Archaeology is a harsh mistress, Mrs. Fletcher. I remember an expedition in the wilds of Kenya that was positively life-threatening! Weeks of incredible rain! I lost two Louis Vuitton bags.
Jessica: You must have been devastated.
Dr. Benton: One endures.

Jessica: Mr. Armstrong, at the risk of aggravating your already short-tempered disposition, may I remind you that there are laws regarding kidnapping even in New Mexico?
Gideon Armstrong: You're not a prisoner, Mrs. Fletcher. Feel free to leave anytime you want, but not in one of my vehicles. I would remind you that there are laws regarding grand theft in New Mexico.
Jessica: Not to mention murder.

Dr. Hazlitt: The next time I invite you to a place like this, kick me.
'Jessica: Well, the next time I accept, kick me.

Murder by Appointment Only [2.12][edit]

Jessica: I'm looking for Grady Fletcher.
Glenda Vandevere: Sorry, I've never heard of him.
Jessica: But he works in the Lila Lee company.
Glenda: God help him.

Norman Amberson: A good secretary learns to forge her boss' signature.
Glenda: I'm saving that for something really big.

Jessica: Are you so sure it's a robbery? Or did the killer just want it to look that way?
Lieutenant Varick: Maybe it was a robbery because it looked that way. This is New York, Mrs. Fletcher. This kind of self-employment is a way of life for some people.

Fiona Keeler: [To Jessica] If you're an example of what the Vice Squad is sending out these days, our taxpayer dollars are well spent.

Jessica: It's so unlike the girl I remember. I mean when did she change? Why?
Fiona: I'm so glad you're without sin, Mrs. Fletcher.
Jessica: I'm not casting stones, Ms. Keeler. I'm just trying to understand. Why did she feel that way? She wasn't underprivileged, she had a good background...
Fiona: None of my girls came up from the street.
Jessica: I'm sorry. It's... it's absolutely senseless!
Fiona: Was her life more senseless than her death?

Fiona: Most men are fairly unpredictable. But a few aren't. Those are the dangerous ones.

Trial by Error [2.13][edit]

Frank Lord: This jury has just been hung by this gentleman with the open mind!
Josh Corbin: More like an open cavity if you ask me!

Thornton Bentley: [About the defendant] And I'll tell you something else, Callahan. Mr. Moneybags is not what he seems.
Ally Collins: Moneybags?
Thornton:Yeah. Rich and got it all! Used to havin' everything his own way!
Frank: Hey hey hey! He isn't rich. His wife had the money!
Thornton: He's got it now.
Jessica: Mr. Bentley, Mark Reynolds is on trial, not his lifestyle.

Frank: Lady, this is a very simple case of a one-night stand being marred by a tragic coincidence.
Jessica: Interesting that you should say coincidence.
Ally: And every whodunit's gotta have a few, right?

Prosecutor Tom Casselli: [To a motel owner] Mr. Harris, do you recognize anyone in the courtroom?
Fenton Harris: In my business, it's good practice never to recognize the customers.

Frank: Suppose this and suppose that. Now, you gotta stop this, Mrs. Fletcher. You can't turn this into one of your make-believe murder mysteries.

Prosecutor Casselli:Had you known the deceased long?
Willie Patchecki: Oh, yeah. We fished together, oh, five or six years. He was livin' with me for eight months.
Prosecutor Casselli: Would you say he had a temper?
Willie:Temper? [Laughs] Does week-old fish bait stink?

Jackie MacKay: Mrs. Fletcher has made a lot of sense so far. Why can't we just keep talking and listening, huh? I mean, we're 12 reasonably intelligent people here. We oughta be able to sort this thing out. Damn it! That's what we're here for, isn't it?
Gerald Richards: Well, she is right. Why don't we just keep at it?
Drew Narramore: Okay, Mrs. Fletcher, you have the floor.
Jessica: Oh, dear. I wish I could be a little bit more sure about what I'm doing with it.

Keep the Home Fries Burning [2.14][edit]

Dr. Hazlitt: Breakfast time.
Jessica:But I've had breakfast.
Dr. Hazlitt: Ha! I know what you had: Dry toast and a cup of tea. That's mere food. This an experience!

Jessica: My goodness, Cornelia. I didn't know you'd left Dixon's Diner.
Cornelia: All my customers started coming here, so I thought I might as well join them.
Dr. Hazlitt: At least in the diner you didn't have to dress up as Betsy Ross.
Jessica: Doctors who make their rounds in hip boots hardly qualify as fashion experts.

Betty Fiddler: [About the Joshua Peabody diner] Guess what! They don't have bathrooms. They have Adam's rooms. You get a choice: The John or the Abigail.

Margo Perry: [Chuckles as she analyses a mass food poisoning report] Baffling.
Jessica:You seem pleased.
Margo: Oh, I'm always pleased, Mrs. Fletcher, when I might be on to something new. Half the time, we never do discover what we're dealing with anyway. So any additional challenge is... enticing.

Margo: Sheriff, you'll alert the media?
Sheriff Tupper: The media, ma'am? Oh! You mean Phil up the radio station?
Margo: Don't you have a TV station?
Sheriff Tupper: Lots. None of them local.

Margo: Perhaps running tests might be a more effective use of your time, Dr. Hazlitt, instead of developing useless speculations with a crisis hound.
Jessica: A what?
Margo: Oh, there's one in every town, Mrs. Fletcher. Some amateur who gloms on to a crisis and tries to turn an incident that has a perfectly normal scientific solution into a Byzantine plot.

Dr. Hazlitt: "Red as a beet, mad as a hatter." These are the symptoms of atropine poisoning.

Sheriff Tupper: Then it isn't food poisoning. It's-It's poison in the food, and that means...
Jessica: It was murder.

Sheriff Tupper: But, well, you know what they say: "As Sheriff Tupper goes, so goes Cabot Cove."
Dr. Hazlitt: Who says that?
Sheriff Tupper: Everybody, when it comes to food.

Margo: Preliminary tests show negative results for all substances.
Jessica: What is that in English?
Margo: In English? Pfft.

Jessica: He's just not a real chef.
Alan Dupree: Why? Because I flunked out of Cordon Bleu and because then I was fired by my father and my grandfather, and now the final ignominy, to be humiliated by the Julia Child of Cabot Cove?

Sheriff Tupper:A mysterious stranger, huh? I've heard better stories from a poacher with a trap in one hand and a rabbit in the other.

Harrison Fraser III: Suppose we cut to the bottom line. It's my word against his. I have a great deal of influence in this part of New England.
Jessica: I'm sure you do, but connections won't help you to evade a simple answer to a simple question.

Margo: Well, Mrs. Fletcher, I guess this is good-bye.
Jessica: Oh, you're leaving before the case is solved?
Margo: My job is bad food, not murder.

Powder Keg [2.15][edit]

Prof. Ames Caulfield: Ah, to be famous and adored instead of merely brilliant.

Prof. Caulfield: [When his car leaves him stranded] Obviously, the good Lord created this machine to keep me humble.

Mr. Bonner: Son, you want to keep that badge, you better learn your job real quick. Folks hereabouts know how the law's supposed to operate, and they're gonna make damn sure it does.

Jessica: Linda, I must tell you, I find this town, the atmosphere terrifying. It feels as if it's going to explode.

Mr. Bonner: Are you an expert in killing, missus?
Jessica:No, but I think I know something about people.

Jessica: I understand last night that you were prevented from stopping the fight by that young man from the service station.
Pat Kelso: Billy Willetts? Yeah, he stuck a knife in my back just as I was going for the old peacemaker there.
Jessica: What kind of knife was that, Mr. Kelso?
Pat: Sharp, ma'am.

Murder in the Electric Cathedral [2.16][edit]

Carrie McKittrick: At my age, 30 years seem like last month. It's last month I have trouble remembering.

Rev. Willie John Fargo: Ms. Jessica, surely you cannot believe I had anything to do with that dear woman's death?
Jessica: At the moment, I don't quite know what to believe.

District Atty. Fred Whittaker: Look, we have a very sensitive situation here.
Jessica:I realize that you have to be circumspect, but certainly the police-
District Atty. Whittaker: The police? The chief and half his staff just went on sick leave. Seven county judges applied for vacation yesterday!
Jessica: Oh, yes, I see. Leaving you-
District Atty. Whittaker: ...leaving me holding a sackful of diamondback rattlers.

Jessica: what puzzles me most is that a massive dose of insulin would almost certainly be fatal to someone who'd had a heart attack.
District Atty. Whittaker: Are you a doctor or something?
Jessica: Writing murder mysteries almost qualifies me, believe me.

Earl Fargo: [About the reverend] Either he's the smartest Okie in the state or the dumbest millionaire west of the Ozarks.

Rev. Fargo: Ruth, why didn't you tell me?
Sister Ruth Fargo: I did, Willie John, every day in a hundred different ways. But you were always too busy to hear.

One Good Bid Deserves a Murder [2.17][edit]

Jessica: Well, you know that Cabot Cove bus. It is not a model of punctuality.

William Readford: It is Mrs. Fletcher, isn't it? J.B. Fletcher?
Jessica: Why yes, but-
William:I'm an avid reader of the Sunday book review. William Readford.
Jessica:I know. I'm a sometimes reader of the society pages.

William: You wish to inspect the diary, Doctor, not speed-read its contents.
Dr. Sylvia Dunn: How am I supposed to bid on it if I don't know what's in it?
William: You're in it, Doctor. That's all you have to know.

Sal Domino: The last movie of yours, Sheila? Dynamite.
Sheila Saxon: I'm glad you liked it, Sal.
Sal: Actually, I thought it stunk. But you have always had a real talent for turning organic fertilizer into greenbacks.

Sal: That is so beautiful, baby. When they start to hand out the Oscars for Best Performance by a Hustler, you're gonna get my vote.

William:Lieutenant, this is absurd. You can't just arbitrarily close down this auction.
Lt. Casey: Excuse me, sir, but the body of a famous movie star tumbles out of a piece of furniture. It's not exactly business as usual.
William: Your superiors will hear of this.
Lt. Casey: They usually do.

Lt. Casey: McGraw, I'm giving you five seconds to get out that door before I throw you out.
Harry McGraw: Yeah, you do, Casey, and I'll go right to my pals on the Morning Bulletin and tell them how this Boston flatfoot with baked beans for brains just put himself in line for a foot patrol beat in Brockton.

Harry: I don't think it was such a hot idea leaving that million-dollar check with him.
Jessica:there's no possible way he could cash it, even if he wanted to.
Harry: Yeah, you don't know Boston cops

Harry: One thing I like about you, Jessica, you got a real sense of propriety. You'd make a lousy private eye.

Lt. Casey: If I find you near another body, I'm gonna book you. If murder were a disease, you'd be contagious.

Harry: Yeah, well, uh, listen. I'm gonna be a little tied up tonight.
'Jessica':You've got a date, Harry? Oh, that's nice.
Harry: Well, you know, all work and no fooling around, uh, ain't exactly living.

Harry: Yeah, you're a real fairy godmother, aren't you? You know, I never hit a dame in my life, but you're just begging to be number one.

Jessica: [Hearing McGraw's first name for the first time] Harlan?!!
Harry: Well, Jessica.
Jessica: Harlan...
Lt. Casey:Probably thought Harry sounded tougher. Well, it ain't!
Harry: Harry, Harlan, Harrison. Get off my back, will ya? What's the difference?

Jessica: Harry, I know that was very difficult for you. But now that you've put that diary to rest, honestly, don't you feel better?
Harry: Honestly? Jessica, you must be nuts.

If a Body Meet a Body [2.18][edit]

Connie Vernon: Henry had been seeing Phyllis for several months. I found out. Henry told me that it was all over between them.
Jessica: Well, maybe Henry just forgot to tell Phyllis that it was all over.

Dr. Hazlitt: Amos, someday you're gonna break an ankle jumping to a conclusion.

Ned Olson: I just hate to see you get mixed-up with some hippie berry picker.
Christy Olson: He is a berry grower, Dad, and he's just going through a phase.
Ned: Dropping out of Harvard Business School to grow blueberries is no damn phase.

Phyllis Walters: Sheriff, I swear to you, I had nothing to do with any of this.
Sheriff Amos: Nobody said you did yet.

Sheriff Tupper: What is going on here?! First a missing man is dead, and then a dead man is missing!
Deputy: Sheriff? Sheriff, we just found Stew Bennett's van over on Ben Shipley's farm.
Dr. Hazlitt: Well, Amos, win one, lose one.

Dr. Hazlitt: You ever thought of becoming a writer?
Sheriff Tupper: No, sir. Me and Mrs. Fletcher have got ourselves an understanding about that.
Jessica: We do?
Sheriff Tupper: I don't write any books, and she don't give out any traffic tickets.

Christopher Bundy - Died on Sunday [2.19][edit]

Jessica: Literary Lines Monthly! Now there is a misnomer. Anatomical, maybe. Literary? Never!

[Upon seeing a bikini model after vowing never to fall in love at first sight again]
Grady: Wow....
Jessica: Well, I see your new resolution hasn't dimmed your eyesight any, Grady.

Jessica: Your children? I keep reading that your husband's the country's most eligible bachelor.
Rachel D'Argento: My husband? Oh, no, no. I'm Christopher's sister. I'm afraid I do all the marrying in this family. Two marriages, two children.
Antonio D'Argento: My uncle's much too busy to raise a family of his own, so he settles for us.

Vanessa D'Argento:So, is it true that writers come up with their ideas by watching the world around them?
Jessica: Well, some do.
Vanessa: Well, keep your eyes open. There's a great book in this family, Mrs. Fletcher, like something out of Eugene O'Neill. You could call it Long Day's Journey into Oblivion.

Christopher Bundy: This should interest you- the complete works of Conan Doyle. All first editions, priceless.
Jessica: You must read a great deal.
Christopher: No. Who has time? I collect.

Christopher: You are incensed at the idea of one of your stories appearing in a magazine sprinkled with photos of unclothed young ladies. Am I close?
Jessica: Dead on target.
Christopher: [Laughing] Mrs. Fletcher, over the past 10 years, my various magazines have featured most of America's prize-winning authors. Bundy Publications represent exposure.
Jessica: They certainly do.

Christopher: You're not afraid, are you? That you might get to know me, that I might destroy all those stereotypical notions buzzing around in that pretty head of yours.

Chester Harrison: What would Hemingway do? He'd offer no compromise. That's what.

Jessica: I told him not to quit. You know, to fight for his company no matter what. That's the part that frightens me: The "no matter what" part.

Bert Yardley: Me and Harrison had a little talk the other night. I suggested he wise up and cooperate before he lost everything. It was a very constructive meeting.
Jessica: You mean threatening.

Chester: [Sighs] Lord, I feel like a character right out of Dostoyevsky.
Jessica: It's a little early to be wallowing around in Russian angst.

Jessica: Well, Mr. Jensen, I see that photography is one of your many talents.
Mr. Jensen: Uh, Mrs. Fletcher, this is not exactly what it seems.
Jessica: Then you won't mind telling Lieutenant Greco exactly what it is.

Jessica: I'm sorry your good luck carried such an expensive price tag.

Jessica: And another thing, Grady. I've been, uh, meaning to talk to you about your, uh, choice of employers.

Menace, Anyone? [2.20][edit]

Jessica: As I have been asked to restrict my speech to four words: "Let the games begin!"

Carol McDermott: I still can't believe I fell on my fanny in front of all those people.
Jessica: [Laughs] That's why they call it an exhibition. But, you know, I still see flashes of that old form that won you the state championship for Cabot Cove High.
Carol: Lord! That was 10 years ago.
Jessica: Oh, don't remind me.
Carol':I thought I was gonna be the next Chris Evert. I soon realized Chris had nothing to worry about.

Carol: Oh, no! This is earth-shattering! Jessica, please forgive me. [Leaves]
Jessica: Yes... Earth-shattering.
Brian East: Yeah. She says things like that. But I love her anyway.

Cissy Barnes: Listen, Doris darling, we all know what an expert you are on male tennis players. You've helped so many of them score.

Jessica:I can remember when tennis was a gentleman's game.
Carol: You've got a terrific memory.

Jessica: Well, I'm not sure what you said, but if it was a book, I'd copyright it.

Mitch Mercer: What are you trying to do, make a monkey out of my client in front of his fans?
Carol: Only God can make a monkey, Mitch.

Carol: That is Mitch Mercer, Donny's personal manager. I would have introduced you, but he didn't deserve the honor.

Jessica: She's a very charming young woman.
Elliot Robinson: Not always, but she's all I have left. You get to be more tolerant when the loneliness of old age starts fogging you in.

Cissy: What do you think?
Elliot: Well, it's highly original.
Cissy: [To Jessica] That means he hates it. It's a sure sign I'm on the right track.

Carol: Look, I'm sorry about our run-in this afternoon.
Cissy: What? Backing up? I had no idea your gear box included reverse.
Carol: Anyway, I do apologize. Let's be friends.
Cissy: Let's not. I'd rather cozy up to a virus infection.

The Perfect Foil [2.21][edit]

Jessica: Lieutenant, I certainly don't want to intrude on your investigation, but...Well, with everybody moving around the room, they might be erased.
Lt. Edmund Cavette: What?
Jessica: The furnidents.
Lt. Cavette: I beg your pardon?
Jessica: The furnidents. You know, the dents that the furniture makes on the carpet.

Lt. Cavette: A picture just flashed through my mind. Two years ago, on a Sunday morning talk show, a charming guest was deftly carving up a pompous book critic. J.B. Fletcher, I presume?
Jessica: [Laughs] Guilty.

Congressman Brad Gardner: I don't think you should go pokin' around that club.
Rosalind Gardner: I was about to offer the same advice to you, darlin'.

[After Cal gets off the phone with his aunt telling her he was in the Amazon]
Jessica: Cal, have you ever considered a career in fiction?
Calhoun Fetcher: Well, she doesn't get a whole lot of excitement in her life.
Jessica: You don't have to create any artificial excitement for my benefit. You've already provided enough.

Lt. Cavette: Jessica, you're a warm, attractive woman, but you are also stubborn, pigheaded and mulish.

Lt. Cavette: Are you quite ready, Mrs. Fletcher?
Jesssica: Actually, Lieutenant Cavette, it's- it's only a theory. But I'm ready if you are.
Lt. Cavette: I wouldn't deprive you of the pleasure of making a fool of yourself for only me.

If the Frame Fits [2.22][edit]

Lloyd Marcus: Someday, Jessica, you and I will have a long talk about the joys of parenthood. In terms of gratification, it ranks right up there with molar extraction.

Police Chief Cooper: Still safer than New York. They kill you for cab fare.
Jessica: Oh, you worked for the New York Police Department, Chief Cooper?
Chief Cooper: Seventeen years, till the pressure on my arches got to me.
Jessica: Must be much quieter here.
Chief Cooper:Uh, not enough for the wife. She hates late night calls, wants me to go into plumbing with her brother.
Jessica: Plumbers get late night calls too.
Chief Cooper: At 24 bucks an hour, so the wife keeps remindin' me.

Jessica: Mayor? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were in insurance, Mr. Tilley.
Frank Tilley: Yeah, well, maybe not for long, the way things are going. Home office is holding the bag, and when they're holding the bag, I'm holding the bag.

Julia Granger: Isn't Donald here yet?
Mildred Tilley: Lose him again, dear? I always know where my husband is.
Julia: Of course you do, Mildred. If you ever let dear Frank out of your sight, no telling what he'd be up to.

Julia: You must think I'm awful, but ever since those two people came here two years ago from New York, Cedar Heights has not been the same.
Jessica: Well, sometimes it takes people a while to adapt.
Julia: The dinosaurs never learned.

Lloyd: So how was the game?
Binky Holborn: Lloyd, my dear friend, I amazed this young thing with my flawless form and my superb follow-through. Unfortunately, for 18 holes the club-head and the balls never did get properly introduced to one another.

Binky: [After having his invitations for dinner refused by a few guests] It's just gonna be the three of us then. The servants are going to be crushed. They so rarely get the exercise.

Mildred: My, what a lovely outfit.
Ellen: Oh, well, thank you.
Mildred: I suppose if you're going fishing, it pays to have attractive-looking bait.

Mildred: You're hot on the trail of Julia Granger's killer! But I thought they had arrested Donald?
Jessica: They have. But, um -
Mildred: But you don't believe it. Oh, fascinating! I agree. Jessica, I have three words for you: Cherchez la femme.

Ellen: Donald and I, we happened to run into one another. I wouldn't try to read any more into that if I were you, Mrs. Fletcher.Or it might prove embarrassing.
Jessica: Embarrassing to whom?

Jessica: Golf is certainly good exercise.
Binky: Oh, my dear lady, this is not exercise. This is a test of one's capacity for total humiliation.

Frank: You're the chief of police, Cooper, not a plumber.
Chief Cooper: Not yet. The way the wife's been bustin' chops, you may have my badge back by suppertime.

Ellen: If you have something to say, Mrs. Fletcher, why don't you just say it?
Jessica: I'd rather hear it from you.
Ellen: You mean, were Donald and I having an affair? This is the '80s, Mrs. Fletcher. Promiscuity is not exactly page one news.

Binky: My aged mama and papa spent far too much of it before they passed on. And it's not as if they educated me to make a living, just to enjoy the finer things, I'm afraid.

Season 3[edit]

Death Stalks the Big Top [3.1 & 3.2][edit]

Constance Fletcher: [About Carol's wedding dress] I'll reserve my judgment until the final fitting on Thursday.
Alex Cord: But, Mrs. Fletcher, this is the final fitting.
Constance: Thursday, 10 o' clock.
Carol Bannister: Grandmother?
Constance: Carol, this gentleman was your choice. Now let me salvage what I can.

Jessica: My goodness, you look wonderful!
Howard Bannister: [Laughs] I look dreadful but, uh, thanks for the insincerity.

Maylene Sutter: Nobody can fault your taste, tomcat. I can't say the same for the way you sniff around back alleys.
Hank Sutter: Get off my back, Maylene.
Maylene: Let me know if you're coming home tonight. I'd hate to shoot you coming through the door.

Daniella Morgana Carmody: Listen to me, Sutter! You caught me when I was hurting. Okay, I'm not proud of myself, but it's over.
Hank: Mrs. Carmody, there's over and then there's over.

Mayor Powers: Should've known better than to let myself be talked into permittin' these lowlife grifters near my town.
Sheriff Lynn Childs: Well, now, folks have been gettin' a lot of pleasure out of the circus.
Mayor Powers: The Good Book's got its say on the subject of pleasure.

Mayor Powers: If you've got no connection with these fly-by-nights, just what were you doin' here?
Jessica: I thought someone I once knew was with the circus.
Mayor Powers: And?
Jessica: Well, everyone I talked to assured me that he wasn't.
Mayor Powers: And just maybe he was the dead foreman. Why were you lookin'for him?
Jessica: Well, I wasn't looking for him.
Mayor Powers: And how do I know that?
Jessica: Because I just told you.
Mayor Powers: And there'll be a lot more you'll be tellin' me before this investigation's over.

Mayor Powers: You stay out of police business!
Jessica: You could benefit from the same advice, Mr. Mayor.
Mayor Powers: Lady, you're on thin ice!
Jessica: If you think I'm gonna stand by while you railroad a perfectly innocent man for a crime that he did not commit, you are very sadly mistaken!

Katie McCallum: My husband was killed in a high-wire fall last year, and Charlie's just trying to be the man of the family.
Jessica: Oh, my. That is such a big job at his age.

Preston Bartholomew: [About Hank Sutter] A green kid with cotton for brains and a disposition like cactus juice. The years didn't improve either one.

Sheriff Childs: You heard Mayor Powers. The case is closed. He'd have my head if I kept snoopin' around.
Jessica: Fortunately, Sheriff, I am under no such threat of decapitation.

Jessica: I'm sorry, but you have about as much right to conduct a police investigation as Jack the Ripper.
Mayor Powers: Sheriff, you lock up this Yankee busybody right now.
Sheriff Childs: Mayor, I can't just-
Jessica: On what charge?
Mayor Powers: Obstruction of justice! Impeding a police investigation! Flagrant disrespect of the office of mayor!
Jessica: It's not the office that's earning my contempt.

Edgar Carmody: Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?
Raymond Carmody: Being sold off like a piece of equipment is what's wrong!

Unfinished Business [3.3][edit]

Barney Kale: [About reopening an old murder case] I'm calling to tell you, Miss Tate, that I'm headed for Juniper Lake. I thought you might be interested.
Cynthia Tate: No, not really. If you catch any wild geese, let me know.

Cynthia: I finally got it all, Seth.
Dr. Hazlitt: Yeah?
Cynthia: Everything I ever wanted. My own business, money, security, a big new house. You know what it all is? Garbage.

Murderer: Dixon was a very religious man, always talking about getting to heaven. And I just simply helped him on his way.

One White Rose for Death [3.4][edit]

Michael Hagarty: Who do you think it is, woman?
Jessica: Michael! Or is it Dennis?
Michael: Dennis this week. And I'll thank you to remember it. I'm not yet ready to be interred in the family plot.
Jessica: Then it's a good thing that you opened your mouth in that restaurant before I put my foot in it.
Michael: Yes, I could see you were about to make a terrible fool out of one of us. Oh, Jessica, you're as lovely as ever.
Jessica: And you're as devious as ever.

Michael: Tomorrow evening then, we'll rekindle the embers over dinner at a lovely restaurant I found in Alexandria. After which, I trust, we will both be on our worst behavior.

Andrew Wyckham: The girl was wonderful. Simply marvelous.
Jessica: Oh, Andrew, there's nothing simple about what she does with a violin.

Michael: That's why Jack Kendall and I liberated Franz and his sister just before the interval at the concert hall.
Jessica: Liberated? At gunpoint? With shots fired?
Michael: [Chuckles] Lucky for us that the "1812 Overture" was playing. Nobody heard them.

Michael: In our trade, Jessica, you don't wear a badge that says "Spy". Anonymity is what saves your skin, being able to pass yourself off as a tradesman or... whatever.

Franz Mueller: Greta, listen to me. They will give us both political asylum, I am sure-
Greta Mueller: No!
Franz: ...and soon we will be able to arrange for Mama and Papa.
Greta: Nein! Don't you understand? I don't want asylum! I am not political! I am a musician!

Jessica: Michael, you are going to help her, aren't you?
Michael: A sweet young thing like that, Jessica? We're already working on it.

Corned Beef and Carnage [3.5][edit]

Jessica: "Francoise". I read about that place in The New Yorker. Apparently half the advertising deals on Madison Avenue are cooked up at the tables over lunch.
Howard Griffin: Yeah, three martinis, a salad, and your name in Advertising Age for dessert.

Aubrey Thornton: [About Victoria's career in advertising] She's got everything to go the distance in this racket: Brains, youth, good looks and a very high threshold for humiliation.

Christine Clifford: 50 million dollars a year in advertising billing. Leland, that isn't chopped liver.
Leland Biddle: Another 50 million, even chopped corn beef would look very good on the balance sheet, Christine, especially when I take Biddle Advertising public next year.
Christine: The account can be had.
Leland: There's a $100,000 bonus in it for you if you can bring that account into the office.
Christine: Did I hear you say vice-president?
Leland: If you deliver.
Christine: To the corner office.

Victoria Griffin: Mr. Kinkaid, you may own this agency, but you don't own me. You're the one who accepts all the fancy awards, but it's people like me and Aubrey and Phil Conklin, God rest his soul, who have always ground it out for you!

Aubrey: At least you don't have to worry about Larry stabbing you in the back. He always gives it to you right in the chest.

Jessica: You know, Miss Clifford, I find the advertising business just fascinating. It's so competitive, and yet, it's so chummy.

Lt. Spoletti: Why is it I always figure gorgeous blondes are lying to me?
Jessica: Adolescent trauma, Lieutenant.

Howard: I can always get my old job back at the insurance company.
Victoria: What about your (acting) career?
Howard: All I ever really wanted was you.
Jessica: Mr. Ingram, what did the deliveryman look like?
Jim Ingram: Like a deliveryman. I mean, all these meatballs. They all look alike, you know? :Jessica: Well, please try and remember. It could be very important.
Jim: Ah... he was wearing a gray coat, carrying a Styrofoam cooler...
Lt. Spoletti: Oh, that sure narrows it down!

Murderer: You think you've got it all planned, every little detail, and then you get suckered by one little mistake.

Murderer: And, you know, killing him with the award? That wasn't improvisation. That was part of the plan. Nice touch, don't you think?

Dead Man's Gold [3.6][edit]

Dr. Wylie Graham: And, please, call me Wylie. For the past 30 years, it's either been Doc or Commander, or a whole lot worse.

Dr. Hazlitt: Amos, that piece of paper you're puttin' under my windshield wiper better be an invitation to a clambake.
Sheriff Tupper: No, it's a parking ticket.
Dr. Hazlitt: And that is an M.D. license plate.
Sheriff Tupper: And that is a fire hydrant. The law is the law.
Dr. Hazlitt: Wait until your sciatica starts acting up again.

Ross Barber: Oh, Gregory, when will I ever learn? Never put your trust in a sure thing.

Larry Gaynes: I've seen your typewriter. It's prehistoric.
Jessica: We work at the same speed.
Larry: I can get you a state-of-the-art computer, complete with word processing at the factory price. And with a new piece of software called Novelrite.
Jessica: Novelrite?
Larry: Yeah. Five hundred and five best-selling plots, from Shakespeare to Sidney Sheldon. Takes the work out of being creative.

Jessica: I've got a perfectly good guest room that hasn't been slept in for months.
David Everett: Oh, no, I would not think of imposing.
Jessica: Don't be silly!
David: The neighbors are liable to start talking.
Jessica: Do you really think so? Good. They think I lead a very dull life, chained to my typewriter.

Sheriff Tupper: You see something?
Jessica: It's what I don't see.

David: I remember that expression. Jessie MacGill in her reverie.

Dr. Hazlitt: Jessica, don't confuse Amos by bringing logic to bear.

Dr. Hazlitt: Jess, I want you to get a real perspective on this thing. Now we are talking about a man who has spent his entire adult life traipsing all over the globe looking for the pot of gold. He was obsessed with it!
Jessica: Seth, you don't know the first thing about him.
Dr. Hazlitt: You are thinking with your funny bone and not with your head. This old friend of yours could turn out to be a cold-blooded killer.
Jessica: Seth, I have known David Everett for the past 35 years.
Dr. Hazlitt: Correction: You knew him 35 years ago.

David: You know, Jessica, I've often lain awake, thinking about, uh, the road not taken and the word not spoken. Things might have been different for us. But then, they didn't turn out that way, did they? But believe me, with Frank, you got by far the best of it.

David: Jessie MacGill, good-bye.

Deadline for Murder [3.7][edit]

Billy Simms: I don't care that she's a dipso with 33 cats and hasn't bathed in four months. What I wanna read about is she's a sweet old widowed grandmother whose greedy landlord kicked her out.

Lamar Bennett: This is a morning paper, Mr. Drake. And I feel a certain responsibility to avoid sending our readers back to sleep.

Stan Lassiter: His game plan isn't pretty, but the guy knows how to put points on the scoreboard.
Jessica: Yes, and like so many others you continue to play for him, right?
Stan: Sports writing's all I know, Mrs. Fletcher. Besides, integrity doesn't buy a whole lotta pastrami.

Walter Revere: We're supposed to be showing our bright happy faces here. Sober, I'm not sure I can manage.

Kay: He and Bennett go back a long way.
Stan: Oh, yeah, way back! Clear back to when Billy was just a hatchet boy.
Kay: It's just unbelievable.
Stan: Yeah, kinda makes you wonder where you turn next for your aggravation quota.

Lt. Caruso: The medical examiner thinks Lamar Bennett may have been murdered.
Jessica: Really? The newspaper says nothing-
Lt. Caruso: That makes two of you.

Haskell Drake: Excuse me, but I mean a man with his rotten disposition, God would get him.
Jessica: Well, God may have gotten a little help.

Haskell: You remember that summer you worked for the wire service, and you did some research for me? That empty oil tank storage swindle?
Jessica: You had me running all over New England.
Haskell: Yeah, and your head was all cluttered with hearts and flowers and Frank Fletcher, huh? You wanted to be a teacher? Ah, what the hell! Forget it, forget it! You weren't much help then anyway.
Jessica: Are you kidding? I was terrific! You said so yourself! I would've made a first-rate reporter.
Haskell: Uh, yeah, maybe.
Jessica: Maybe? On my worst day, I was the best legman you ever had!
Haskell: [Mock laughter] That's the way you remember it!
Jessica: Haskell Drake, you- you are impossible! You're ornery and deceitful and devious!
Haskell: Not to mention manipulative.

Jessica: Well, for starters, how would you rate Lamar Bennett as a newspaperman?
Kay: A very narrow sense of story. A flair for the dramatic but no real feel for human interest.

Clyde Thorson: Mrs. Fletcher, I don't wanna talk to you because I heard what you and Mr. Drake are tryin' to do to Mr. Bennett, makin' him a bad person.
Jessica: Mr. Thorson, if that were true, I'd only question people who disliked him.

Haskell: Whoa, whoa, hold it, hold it! Where's your lead paragraph?
Jessica: Well, I'm coming to that.
Haskell: Before you do, they'll be reading the vitamin content off their cereal boxes.

Haskell: [Chuckling after talking to a society editor] A couple of more minutes and I'd have enough to blackmail half the people in Tulsa.

Lt. Caruso: [About being a woman in the police force] Some ex-jock can hang a dead fish on the wall or maybe what's left of a moose who didn't move fast enough. That's okay. But when I bring in a few geraniums, you can hear the snickers all the way to Brockton.

Lt. Caruso: You type a nice report, Officer. Anybody ever read this stuff?
Policewoman: Not that I know of, ma'am. I think it goes straight to the files.

Nurse Phillips: Mr. Drake, French fries are not a part of your diet.
Haskell: Don't you dare! No, but you'd rather poison me with chipped beef and tapioca pudding, right?

Jessica: I understand how you feel, how much you loved the good things about him, but admitting the truth doesn't mean you can't keep those memories.

Haskell: I have been offered a big overseas assignment in Hong Kong, Singapore and Bangkok. By Newsmonth, no less.
Jessica: Haskell, that's marvelous! When? :Haskell: Oh! Well, um, as soon as you hand me my trousers.

Magnum on Ice [3.8][edit]

Capt. Frank Browning: Don't hold your breath waiting for the bail hearing. Sometimes the paperwork gets misplaced. Sometimes we even lose prisoners.

Jason Bryan: I don't know what you want, Mrs. Fletcher, but I can't help you.
Jessica: Oh, you already have, Mr. Bryan.

Jessica: Captain, I wouldn't dream of asking you to bend your personal policy for me but a friend of mine in Washington asked me to call the governor while I was here, just a friendly chat. And I intend to compliment the governor on the personal attention that you give to police department policy. The name is Browning, isn't it?

Jessica: Well, I'll have to have a chat with him.
Thomas Magnum:I'm not so sure that's a good idea. We don't know anything about this guy. He could be dangerous. You could get hurt.
Jessica: As a professional, if you were out, what would you do?
Magnum: I'd talk to Arthur Houston and get some answers.
Jessica: Well, Mr. Magnum, since you can't, I will.

Pamela Bates: I only wanted to return her cookbook. The one she bought and wrapped so prettily for her Aunt Grace? She wanted me to keep it for her, but l-
Jessica: Oh, what pretty paper. It's very light for a book. Maybe it was for dieters.

Amy Salyer: I'll thank you to return my property, please.
Pamela: Amy, dear. I think you owe us some kind of an explanation.
Amy: On the contrary, I think you owe me one. When I give you a package to keep for me, I don't expect you to open it.

Victor Salyer: Look, I know that I'm not the easiest person to live with, but you see, I love her very much. I just want her to know that I'll forgive her anything if only she'll come back to me.
Joan Fulton: Love, honor and forgive? They ought to change the vows!

Jessica: I'm not sure that the diamonds have got anything to do with it. Amy told me that the diamonds were left to her by her grandmother.
Magnum: And you believed her?
Jonathan Higgins: Magnum.
Magnum: Well, uh... Come to think of it, I-I can see how you might, uh... It's kind of like the plots of one of your novels, right? Uh, which one? Was it, uh- No, it's not that one. Yeah, I remember.
Higgins: Magnum, it's the only one I sent you. Do you mean you actually read it?
Magnum: Of course, I read it. At least most of it.
Jessica: You didn't finish it?
Magnum: Oh, no, I'm going to finish it. But, uh, I already kind of figured out that your killer's the psychiatrist.
Jessica: Actually, it was the lawyer.

Joan: You're going to tell me I have to stop flirting with every man on the island. Jessica, when it comes to grieving, I already gave.

'[When Magnum got into Jessica's hotel room by picking the lock]
Jessica: You could've knocked!
Magnum: Well, I did. I guess you didn't hear me with the water running.
Jessica: Oh, I see. So you just let yourself in? How do you propose to conduct your little conference? With me in the tub?

Magnum: I, uh, finished your book, Jessica. Now I would've thought Dashiell Hammett was more my style, but I really like the way your mind works.

Victor: [Holding a crowbar] This was very effective in opening the door. I'll bet it's just as good at opening a head.

Joan: Men always underestimate me. The secret of my success.

Joan: If I hadn't gotten Houston, he would have sent someone else. Call it self-preservation. It's one of those economic principles they don't teach you at business school.

Magnum: So, Jessica, what do you say we make a deal? If you don't take out a private investigator's license, I won't buy a typewriter.

Obituary for a Dead Anchor [3.9][edit]

Kevin Keats: You could have suggested they give the job to a newsman.
Nick Brody: Hear hear!
Paula Roman: "Newsperson," please.

Kevin: I'm prepping part two of the Ron Ross expos.
Doug Helman: Uh, well... There's not going to be a part two. The legal department killed it.
Kevin: That stinks, Doug.
Nick Brody: The sweet smell of sup-press.

Kevin: Don't you worry about your Cabot Cove gig. I have no intention of drowning in the backwaters of Maine.
Doug: Check your contracts. You have a choice. Either take the assignment or go off salary.
Kevin: On the other hand, I've always loved the smell of sea air. I hope the tide's in.

Jessica: I just got a few things.
Dr. Graham: Uh-huh. Including a new outfit to wear on television? It's one of the symptoms.
Jessica: Oh, is it going around?
Dr. Graham: Lots of foolishness. Everything shined up, everybody's wearin' their Easter duds. I even saw Nils Anderson slappin' on a fresh coat of paint.
Jessica: Well, I don't see anything foolish about that.
Dr. Graham: How nice does a live bait stand have to look?

Kevin: Is this the way you always look?
Jessica: Why? Is there anything wrong with the way I look?
Kevin: No, it's just that my image of you is more homespun.

Kevin: Is it always this quiet?
Jessica: On a good day, you can hear the wind, the ocean and the seagulls.
Kevin: [Seeing Sheriff Tupper] And which is that?

Judith Keats: I know what you're up to.
Kevin: It's not your business anymore, Judith. Don't intrude in my life.
Judith: You really should learn the difference between an intrusion and a warning.

Kevin: Scrutiny's a hit for one reason, and you're lookin' at him. They toss out producers like so many empty beer cans, but I keep rolling along.

Jessica: Like the rest of America, I've been a fan of Nick Brody and the news.
Nick: You're very kind. I guess I am kind of an institution. Something like the Staten Island Ferry.

Patti: Oh, Nick, you're beginning to sound like a producer.
Nick: It's worse than that. I'm beginning to think like one.

Commentator: Perhaps the greatest tragedy is where Kevin Keats met his end. Urbane, hard-nosed, a legend in his own time, a man who faced death a hundred times in hot spots all around the world, Keats was blown to bits in a jerkwater village where even the crickets die of boredom, where the part-time mayor conducts town business from a 5x5 room in the back of his office, and the sheriff is responsible for supplying the boat that caused his death.

Richard Abbott: In Televisionland, when the canoe springs a leak, one doesn't bail water. One just looks for a new canoe.

Dr. Graham: I guess I'm not in the same class as Seth.
Jessica: Or the class he thinks he's in.

Nick: I'm a newsman. I'm not a performer. I tried to tell Doug that. But whatever he started out believing, in the end, he bought the idea that the wrapping paper - the wrapping paper - was more important than the package.

Stage Struck [3.10][edit]

1st Reporter: Ms. Tarrow, was your stay in the Arizona Health Clinic a success?
Maggie Tarrow: Well, the weather was dry and so am I.
2nd Reporter: Does this mean The Battling Lords are rekindling their romance?
Maggie: I'm not sure. Bonfires can be dangerous.

1st Reporter: So we can add acting to your list of credits, Ms. Fletcher?
Jessica: Certainly not, no. But I was Applewood's 2nd best set painter. And in case you haven't guessed, there were only two.

Maggie: [After catching Larry and Pru together] Larry, may I suggest that you save your performance such as it is for the stage? And Pru, darling, remind me! You are the resident stage manager, yes? Not the resident bedspread?!

Chief Merton P. Drock: What's my motivation in this scene?
Alexander Preston: You're a butler. Your motivation is to buttle.

[When Julian learns that Barbara may replace Maggie]
Julian Lord: You have a personal services contract with Barbara Bennington.
Nicky Saperstein: That has nothing to do with this!
Julian: Which no doubt includes other kinds of services as well!
Nicky: Will you get your mind out of your pants?
Julian: Stop trying to run this show from yours!

Jessica: Chief, the first rule: Be thorough. Explore every possibility.

Jessica: I've been watching you, and frankly, you're far more interested in the lives of Julian and Maggie.
T.J.Holt: And I've been watching you nosing around. And frankly, ma'am, forgive me, but you are something of a busybody.
Jessica: Well, call it professional curiosity.

Alexander Preston: Just what is it you're looking for, Jessica?
Jessica: Vital statistics.
Alexander Preston: If you're looking for accuracy in an actor's resume, my dear, you're looking in the wrong place.

Julian: Jessica, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong.
Jessica: You don't know how much I wish that were true.

Night of the Headless Horseman [3.11][edit]

Jessica: My goodness, look at you. You've lost a lot of weight.
Dorian Beecher: Cafeteria food. Thousands for bridles and bits but not one penny for a decent steak.

Dorian: Her name is Sarah. Sarah Dupont. Soft, angelic, a prelude by Liszt, a painting by Renoir.
Jessica: She sounds lovely.
Dorian: Her father, on the other hand, Edwin Dupont, is my employer at the academy. A dirge by Berlioz. A bad dream by Dalí.

[Jessica is put on the spot when she is obliged to act as Dorian Beecher's mother]
Edwin Dupont: Mrs. Beecher, aren't you a bit young to have a son Dorian's age?
Jessica: Well, actually, becoming Dorian's mother was one of the biggest surprises of my life.

Charlotte Newcastle: I want you to stay away from Edwin's daughter. Satisfy your needs elsewhere.
Nate Findley: Is that an order or an offer?

Bobbie: Dorian, she is exactly the way you described her. Elegant as a duchess, soft as a kitten, with eyes that smile with a child's laughter.
Jessica: Dorian, did you say that about me?
Dorian: Well, yes, I suppose I did.
Bobbie: I'm not sure he remembers, Mrs. Beecher. He was totally polluted at the time. Can I get you something?
Dorian: Yeah, I'll have a very dry martini. Make that a double.
Jessica: Dorian, make that a single, dear. I don't want you polluted with me.

Edwin Dupont: Now, Mrs. Fletcher, it is my considered opinion that your friend Dorian Beecher is a cold-blooded killer. But in the unlikely event that you prove otherwise, give him a message for me. He is never again to see my daughter, or there could very likely be another killing in this town.

Charlotte: It is Mrs. Fletcher, isn't it? News travels fast. I just got off the phone with Edwin Dupont. Dorian has good taste in mothers even if they are stand-ins.

Dentist Penn "Doc" Walker: You loosened a cap, but I can recement it for you.
Dorian: Is it gonna hurt?
Doc: With all that vodka you're been drinking?

The Corpse Flew First Class [3.12][edit]

Blanton: We're delighted you're flying with us, Miss Greer. If I may be of any service-
Sonny Greer: Be sure the food's hot, and the drinks are cold. We'll get along famously.

Dr. Cliff Strayhorn: [Referring to his career as a plastic surgeon] Sonny, I'd starve if the world were filled with such ageless beauties as you.
Sonny: Chin up, in 20 years when it all starts to fall.

Sonny: [When Jessica inadvertently was pushed by a member of the paparazzi] I'm so sorry. But with Madonna out of the country, someone has to be shot.

Gunnar Globle: Level with me. Are you anybody?
Jessica: I'm a writer.
Gunnar: A writer? Thank you, God! Even for me, you listen up.

Jessica: Well, I think we're all very grateful that you're on board, Inspector.
Errol Pogson: Correction. All of us but one.

Otto Hardwick: Charles Lindbergh had less hassle soloing across the Atlantic than I've been subjected to.
Errol: Then next time, why don't you do what he did? Fly alone.

Jessica: Mr. Globle! Here's your script. You know, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the sophisticated imagery and the poetic wit. I see it as a cross between cinema verité and-
Gunnar: Imagery and cinema verité?
Jessica: Yes, I think if you change the title, it might do very well in those quaint little, uh, art theaters.
Customs Man: Anything to declare, sir?
Gunnar: Yes. This is a dud.

Crossed Up [3.13][edit]

Jessica: Thanks, Grady, but that breakfast you fixed for me this morning? I mean it really stuck to my ribs.
Grady Fletcher: You mean my famous tuna omelet?
Jessica: Mm-hmm.
Grady: Well, wait till you see this. Tuna surprise!
Jessica: Oh, darling, you've been surprising me all week.

Mona: And don't let that break in the storm fool you. Hurricane Ida is dancin' her way up the coast, and before you know it, she'll be tangoin' in Cabot Cove.

Dr. Hazlitt: Well, Amos. Got a good recipe for crow, have you? 'Cause that's what we're gonna be eatin' when we tell Jessica about this murder.

Sheriff Tupper: Morgan said he located you at the beach house, Adam. Is that where you were last night around 10:00?
Adam Morgan: Yes, I invited a young lady up to go sailing. Ah, Miss, um-what is her name?
Sheriff Tupper: In a hurricane?
Adam: Well, Sheriff, since sailing was out of the question, we decided on something else that we both enjoyed.

Adam: [About Dody Rogers] Frankly, Sheriff, if she treated Gordon with the same affection she shows that pampered little puss, their marriage would look a whole lot less like a rerun of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Sheriff Tupper: Adam was in the family beach house with a lady from Portland except the lady's no lady. She's got an arrest sheet as long as a chorus girl's legs.

Jessica: Do you ever get the feeling that you've overlooked something obvious? That you've done something wrong?
Dr. Hazlitt: Yeah. Every time I vote for Amos.

Murder in a Minor Key [3.14][edit]

Jessica: Did you ever try to argue with a computer? It is impossible. It's like trying to talk sense to Amos Tupper once he's made up his mind about something.

Chad: What am I supposed to do? Join the public defender's office? Terrific. Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, your guilty.
Mike: That is cynical!
Jenny: And sick!
Chad: But accurate.

Danny Young: Where's Chad?
Jenny: Home studying. He's having trouble with his torts.
Danny: You know, I hear they can cure that these days.

Chad: It's like my Uncle Jack always said: "Findin' a fox in the henhouse don't necessarily mean nothin', unless, of course, he's pickin' feathers out of his teeth".

Jenny: Mike didn't kill anyone.
Chad: And all we have to do is prove it.
Jenny: Is that the royal we, or am I included in this mess?
Chad: It was my bright theory the system always worked, remember?
Jenny: So who says you're always so bright?

Christine Stoneham: Are you married, Mr. Singer?
Chad: No, I'm not, but I hope to be as soon as I pass the bar.
Christine: It's not a step to be taken lightly. These days, people don't seem to care very much about commitment.

Chad: I brought in a pizza.
Jenny: You eat. I popped a button on my jeans this morning. I'm fasting till Yom Kippur.

Max Hellinger: You think I killed him? What for? I needed his music.
Chad: Maybe he was holdin' out on you. Maybe he was hittin' you up for more money.
Max: Maybe. Maybe you need something stronger to drink than that beer you're nursing.

Chad: Everyone but the pope is at the college that night, and Michael's the one they find standin' over the body. Forgive me, I'm-I'm O.D.-ing on frustration here.

The Bottom Line is Murder [3.15][edit]

Dr. Jayne Honig: I can sum up the problem in two words: Kenneth Chambers. Steve produces his program.
Jessica: Chambers? Oh, yes, I remember, you wrote me about him. A compulsive egomaniac suffering from delusions of grandeur?
Jayne: That was last month. These days he's even worse.

Lynette Bryant: Kenneth, there isn't a South American coup that can match the one I just pulled off. The Hammet Cheese tapes. They're all we need to throw Hammet into the fondue as it were.

Jessica: As I remember, you were the life of the party, Mr. Warren.
Robert Warren: Oh, well, forgive me, Mrs. Fletcher. What wasn't a blur is a complete blank.
Jessica: That's very convenient.
Robert: [Laughs] But when one's best friend steals the love of his life from under his nose, it's either "Laugh, Clown, Laugh" or slit your wrists and I didn't have the blood to spare.

Robert: Jayne and I had years of pillow talk. Of course, I was the only one with my head on the pillow. She was taking notes.

Jessica: I'm a very good listener with a very short memory.

Jessica: I am a writer. Crime is my beat. Murder my specialty.

Lt. Lou Flannigan: Ma'am, you're just an observer here.
Jessica: Yes, and what I've observed is a complete lack of common sense!

Jessica: Ms. Bryant, forgive me, but it all looks very much as if The Bottom Line isn't quite as dead as Kenneth Chambers.

Jessica: I understand that you threatened him.
Joe Rinaldi: Threaten? I don't threaten. I negotiate.

Jessica: Why was he sitting with his back to the door?
Lt. Flannigan: [Laughing] To the untrained eye, it must seem strange, but if you'll notice, there's a TV and a VCR behind the desk on that shelf there. He was watching TV.
Jessica: Uh, Lieutenant, with due respect for your trained eye, that is impossible. I was in Mr. Chambers's office and, uh, his television was broken.
Lt. Flannigan: Broken?
Jessica: Broken. Which makes me wonder what he was doing sitting in that odd position.
Lt. Flannigan: Well, obviously...
Jessica: Yes?
Lt. Flannigan: Obviously, uh, this is gonna take some thought.

Death Takes a Dive [3.16][edit]

Harry: A few months ago, I take a job from this guy, Benny Falcone, to chase down his daughter, who's run off with some saxophone player. He gives me 5,000, and off I go. Only a week later, the daughter and the sax player show up on his doorstep and move in with him. Now, not only is Falcone steamed at his kid, but he's not too thrilled with me. And he wants his five thou back, which I can't give him, because I no longer have it.
Jessica: But he can't do that!
Harry: So I explained. Except he suddenly developed a loss of hearing and threatened osteopathic damage to my legs unless I cough up.

Pam Collins: You ever heard of freedom of the press, fella?
Cosmo Ponzini: Oh, yeah. And I also heard of private property, which this is!

Cosmo: You try to take down the fight business, and a roof might just fall in on your head, you understand?
Reporter Dave Robinson: Was that a threat?
Cosmo: Well, if it isn't, I must've said it wrong!

Wade Talmadge: You an expert on the manly art of pugilism, darling?
Lois Ames: No, darling, just the manly art.

Wade: Good evening, McGraw. Mind if I come in?
Harry: Hey, listen, if the cockroaches don't care, why should I?

Lt. Casey: Wade Talmadge had more enemies than there are beans in Boston.

Lois: Got a light?
Harry: Sorry, doll face, I'm fresh out.
Lois: Funny. You strike me as the type that plays with matches.
Harry: Not me. I don't like gettin' burned.
Lois: You only get burned when you're careless. Me, I'm very careful.
Harry: Honey, whatever it is you're sellin', you better peddle it someplace else. Right now, I'm interested in only one thing: Self-preservation.

Harry: You know, when you're rollin' sevens, you don't ask to see the dice.

Dave: That's the first thing they taught me at the Scranton School of Journalism: Murder makes a great headline!

Jessica: [Chuckles] If you're worried about me, Doc, I can go on like this forever.
Doc: Yeah, if forever comes tomorrow morning.

Jessica: You know, when they found the body, he was wearing a pair of slacks and a plain white shirt.
Pam: No. No, that doesn't sound like Talmadge. Dave and I bird-dogged him for months. He wouldn't be caught dead lookin' like that.
Jessica: Yeah, but that's just the point. He was caught dead looking like that.

Dennis McConnell: Still tryin' to make sense of the ponies, Doc?
Doc: Everybody needs a hobby.
Dennis: Expensive.
Doc: So's women and booze. I tried 'em both. Horses don't talk back, and they don't give you a hangover.

Harry: I made a deal with the TV people.
Jessica: But the fight has been canceled!
Harry: I know. But I sold them something even better. The inside story of a tough, resourceful private eye, who single-handedly broke open one of the largest murder cases of the decade.
Jessica: Single-handedly?
Harry: So I exaggerated a little. What's a little white lie between friends?

Simon Says, Color Me Dead [3.17][edit]

Eleanor Thane: Left to his own devices, Simon wouldn't see anyone, which is a situation I intend to correct.

Felix Casslaw: This absolutely scruffy fellow comes off Fifth Avenue and into my gallery. I thought he'd been sleeping in Central Park.
Eleanor: [Laughs] He probably came in to get out of the cold.
Felix: Well, I'd already buzzed security when he had picked out six of Simon's seascapes and wrote me a check in seven figures.
Carol Selby: I know! He found somebody's checkbook!
George Selby: More likely mugged someone.
Felix: Naturally, I don't waste time on people of that ilk. I'd already refused his check and had him hustled out.
Jessica: Is it just instinct or is there a little twist to this story?
Felix: Your instincts do not fail you, Jessica. The next morning, I just happened to be glancing at the Times, and there was this gentleman's picture. He was giving a rock concert at Madison Square Garden.
Simon Thane: So you see, you can't always judge a man by his clothes.
Eleanor: Seven figures. I feel a deep sense of loss, Felix.
Felix: Not to mention my commission.

Carol: You know, George and I have three Simon Thane's.
George: Best investment we ever made. Makes the Dow Jones look sick.

Felix: A pinch of mystery always adds luster to an artist's aura, not to mention value.

George: I was gonna have another brandy.
Carol: Well, George, you've had enough to open your own monastery.

Jessica: One of the hardest things about losing a husband is all the little things he leaves behind. Sooner or later, when the pain subsides, you have to put them away.

Sheriff Tupper: Has all the earmarks of a crime of passion.
Jessica: Passion?
Sheriff Tupper: I know that Simon Thane is somethin' of an institution around here. But just because there's a little snow on the roof, don't mean that there's no fire in the hearth, if you get my drift.
Jessica: I get your drift, Amos. I just think your anchor is slipping.

Jessica: You've got (Simon's) signature down very well.
Felix: Well, you see, Jessica, uh, since these are unquestionably Thane paintings, the signature is merely a technicality.
Jessica: And a signed Simon Thane is technically more valuable than an unsigned one.

Felix: There's no doubt in your mind, is there? That Irene Rutledge killed Simon?
Jessica: Until everything is brought out into the open, there's always some doubt.

No Laughing Murder [3.18][edit]

[About attending his son's wedding to his old enemy's daughter]
Mack Howard: Honey, I'm not gonna be able to go to that thing tonight. Sorry but I got a very important writers' meeting after the taping.
Trudy Howard: The car's downstairs, darling. I found your favorite old tweed jacket. It's going to be perfect for you up in the mountains.
Mack: Honey, I don't think you quite understand. This is a very important week. The ratings are coming out and- I know that you can explain to Kip and Corrie. They'll understand.
Trudy: Oh, of course I will, darling. And by the way, I do happen to have a locksmith standing by. Because if you don't come, don't bother coming back to the apartment.

Norma Lewis: [About Murray] Phil, don't you know aggravation is his life?
Murray Gruen: [About Norma] That's right. That's why I keep her around.

Norma: The way I figure it, either you pay the painter or the plumber or the electrician. What it totals out to is if you want this place to look good, use the toilet or see what you're doing.

Jessica: I'm afraid it's a somewhat less festive group than we'd hoped for.
Phil Rinker: There's always the chance that it'll look better through a brandy glass.

Chief Ledbetter: Acting Chief Wylie B. Ledbetter, ma'am.
Jessica: And what do your friends call you?
Chief Ledbetter: Acting Chief Wylie B. Ledbetter, ma'am.

Jessica: [Reading a lab report] "Exhibit B: the knife Murray was stabbed with. Traces of dried white household enamel embedded in wooden handle grip."
Chief Ledbetter: I figured somebody used it to scrape paint.
Jessica: With a handle?

Trudy: I just hope that Corrie and Kip and I will never let their fathers get within 50 miles of each other ever again.
Jessica: If only because of their diets. They're both eating as if it's going out of style.
Norma: Don't knock it, Jessica. With their mouths full, they can't talk to each other.

Trudy: So, what we're left with is that one of us is a killer. [Sigh] And lucky us. We all get to spend another night together.

No Accounting for Murder [3.19][edit]

Ralph Whitman: We're very pleased with your progress, both Mr. Carlisle and myself. We feel you've, uh... you've earned this added responsibility.
Grady: Thank you, sir.
Ralph: Forget the sir. It's Ralph.
Grady: Ralph, right. Thank you, Sir Ralph. I mean, just Ralph...sir. Thank you.

Mrs. Ellis: I hear your aunt is coming for a visit. That's nice. You show her a good time. You know, aunts are very neglected these days.
Grady: Not this one.

Mrs. Ellis: Are you sure? Tax troubles I don't need.
Grady: Believe me, government agents won't be banging down your door with a warrant.
Mrs. Ellis: Ha-ha, that's what Nixon thought.

Paul Carlisle: Oh, Mrs. Fletcher, how delightful to meet you at last!
Jessica: Why, thank you.
Paul: I can see where Grady gets his sharp mind from. I've been a fan of your books for 20 years.
Jessica: Oh...? Yes... Well, thank you very much.
Paul: I always say there's nothing like a good, old-fashioned love story to help you forget your cares.
Grady:Well, actually, sir, she, uh-
Jessica: Oh, I quite agree with you, Mr. Carlisle. I mean, where would we be without Barbara Cartland?

Lester Grinshaw: I've been trying to interface with you now for several days.
Ralph: Look, it's nearly 6:30. Can't this wait?
Lester: The Internal Revenue Service does not wait, Whitman. We act quickly and decisively... with compassion and understanding, of course.
Ralph: Of course. You know the way, Mr. Grimshaw.
Lester: Excuse me.
Ralph: [To Jessica and Grady, with a sigh] Well, have a nice dinner. I have a feeling mine's going to be a bowl of cereal at midnight.

Jessica: Grady, the only things that go bump in the night in this city are the taxicabs, believe me.

Jessica: (Grady) told me that he had reported the crime.
Lt. Timothy Hanratty: That he did.
Jessica: So obviously he didn't kill Mr. Whitman.
Lt. Hanratty: Well, it's unlikely.
Jessica: Unlikely?!!
Lt. Hanratty: Now, now, Mrs. Fletcher. Let's not be giving ourselves a bellyache until after we've tasted the stew.

Lester: Bottom line, Fletcher. You've got 48 hours to come up with the figures.
Grady: Figures? What figures?
Lester: [Laughs] Don't play dumb with me, pal. It's been tried by experts, believe me, some of whom are doing three-to-five in Leavenworth.
Grady: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lester: Neptune Ventures. Whitman said you're the engine driving that crummy tax dodge.
Grady: Me?!
Lester: Save the dumb look. All I want is one thing. Facts, figures, names, dates, places, the whole megillah.

Lt. Hanratty: I took the liberty of pullin' a small file we have on your activities, mum. The young lady murdered by that cosmetic executive, your very own publisher sent away because of your ingenuity. I'm surprised the department hasn't given you a gold badge.
Jessica: Well, it's, uh, just a quirk of mind, really. The way I see things, you know.

Connie: Sorry, Mrs. Ellis. Mr. Fletcher's going to be a little late.
Mrs. Ellis: So I'll wait. I've had plenty of practice.

Lt. Hanratty: Look, son, between you and me and these walls, I also am having a bit of trouble believing you're involved. But the commissioner-
Jessica: Oh, Timothy, hang the commissioner. Since when is an Irishman intimidated by a bureaucrat?

Marty: Lady, I got no time!
Jessica': Make time, Mr. Giles, or would you rather do it?

The Cemetery Vote [3.20][edit]

Sheriff Orville Yates: Folks around here know better than to make threats against the sheriff.
Jessica: Where I come from, folks don't have to make threats. The sheriff upholds the law.

Linda Stevens: Jim said there's a rumor he won his first election by the cemetery vote.
Jessica: The what?
Linda: Oh, you know, copying names off tombstones to cast extra votes on election day. Yates was a heavy favorite with the R.I.P. crowd.

Jessica: I feel as though that truck ran over me a few times.
Linda: And I thought soaking in a hot tub would help take away some of the pain from your bruises. You were in the tub for an hour.
Jessica: Well, I soaked for ten minutes. But it took me the rest of the time to get in and out.

Kate Gunnerson: Orville's not a big gambler like his deputy.
Sheriff Yates: Yeah, Wayne ain't exactly cautious.
Kate: He's willing to take chances to better himself. That's how you play the game.
Sheriff Yates: What game is that, Kate? :Kate: There's only one game. It has different names.
Sheriff Yates: You talking about politics?
Kate: That's one name. Another is Gettin' Rich. In case you hadn't noticed, I play to win.

David Carroll: After I got off the phone with you, I wasn't sure I had the time correctly. I mean, nobody meets at city hall at this hour.
Jessica: Forgive me. I'm a writer. We work at all hours.

The Days Dwindle Down [3.21][edit]

Jessica: Seth, I know this sounds just terrible, but it's just too nice to work here. And they keep sending up these baskets. I've got more spoiling fruit than a zoo.

Jessica: You know, Rod, maybe the reason that you couldn't prove that it was suicide was because it wasn't.
Rod Wilson: I thought you believed Pop.
Jessica': I do. But there may be a third possibility that nobody's considered. Mr. Jarvis could have been murdered by somebody else.

Jessica: Thank you for taking time to see me on such short notice, Ms. Davis.
Dorothy Hearn Davis: I have a confession to make, actually I prefer Mrs.
Jessica: So do I.

Lt. Sharp: Look, ma'am, Lieutenant Webb put this one to bed a long time ago.
Jessica: Excuse me, to bed but not to rest.

Dorothy: You don't know the first thing about my grandfather! How dare you come waltzing in here and make accusations against him like this! Get out! Get out of my office!
Jessica: If you'll forgive me, Mrs. Davis, it appears to me that you suspect your grandfather more than anyone.

Rod: Jessica, you agree with me, don't you? Justice has to be served!
Jessica: [Sighs] Justice is always imperfect, Rod. Besides, sometimes there's a difference between serving the ideal of justice and doing what's best.

Sam Wilson: I don't know how to thank you.
Jessica: Just be happy.

Murder, She Spoke [3.22][edit]

[At a recording session]
Al Parker: Gold! Pure gold, guys!
Stoney Carmichael: Heck, Al, you'd say the Partridge Family was platinum if it'd get us out of here. Play it back for us.
Al: Stoney, my man, we gotta get that retake in tonight if we're gonna deliver this album on time.
Stoney: Al, my man, I got all the time in the world.

Greg Dalton: By the way, I'm also very sorry, Mrs. Fletcher, about this evening session but it's the only time we seem to be able to get this studio.
Jessica: Oh, I think that mystery stories should be read in the dark of the night, don't you?
Greg: [Referencing his own blindness] You know, it's interesting. It's always the dark of the night to me.

Sally Ann Carmichael: Stoney, quit treatin' me like a kid!
Stoney: Honey, you are a kid.
Sally: I gotta learn about this business if I'm gonna be a singer.
Stoney: Okay, first rule is, take care of your band. Go get these boys some sodas.

Randy Witworth: You want out of this contract, all you have to do is say so.
Stoney: Oh, sure, and repay all your expenses plus 50% of any future contract I come up with.
Randy: Nobody held a gun to your head to sign the contract when I found you in that dive in Waco.
Stoney: Well, somebody got me mighty drunk.

Nancy Dalton: Just a note of insincerity.
Jessica: A note? Sounded more like a full-blown symphony to me.

Lt. Faraday: I think writing is a real good hobby for a woman. You can cook up some supper. You can chat on the phone. Then pop over to the old typewriter now and then for a few minutes.
Jessica: Yes, when I'm not too busy beating the laundry against the rocks in the river?

Greg: Sunny Spain and the black hole of Calcutta are the same to me, Lieutenant. I'm blind.

Greg: Nancy, I am happy. I have a wonderful wife, a good life... until I ended up here.
Nancy: Why do you have to be so damn happy? So nice to Randy in front of me? Didn't you ever just wanna bash his face in?!
Greg: Stop it! Just stop it! How do you know what I feel? You know what it's like to wake up every morning and open these eyes? Of course I hate it! And I hate him! But hating isn't gonna get me anywhere. Isn't that right, Jessica?
Jessica: It's certainly very destructive.
Nancy: But you have to acknowledge it! You have to deal with it! You can't just push it down, or it's gonna well up inside.
Greg: You think I killed him, don't you?
Nancy: I don't know you anymore, Greg. You don't confide in me. You don't let me do things for you. You have cut me off. Now all I am to you is your chauffeur.

Jessica: Just like that power failure could have been caused by something else. I mean, we don't know that it was the master switch.
Lt. Faraday: Ma'am, I'm getting just a little bit nervous about this "we" business.

Lt. Faraday: Please, ma'am, please. You're smarter than this. Don't act like an irrational-
Jessica: Please, Lieutenant, please. Preserve what respect I have for you, and don't say "irrational woman".
Lt. Faraday: ...irrational outsider. Now, ma'am, I really, really don't wanna see you coming around here anymore unless you're with some man here to arrange bail for Greg Dalton.
Jessica: Lieutenant Faraday, believe it or not, there are women who can arrange bail. And besides that, you're the one behaving irrationally by failing to pursue all the leads in this case.

Margaret Witworth: There's nothing clandestine about coming to see your husband at the office, is there?
Jessica: Oh, of course not. I just can't help but wonder why you felt it was so important to make me believe that you didn't.
Lt. Faraday: You really did help us wrap this whole thing up.
Jessica: Well, thank you, Lieutenant. That's very nice of you.
Lt. Faraday: And you've taught me something. As long as I live, I will never again...
Jessica: Yes, Lieutenant?
Lt. Faraday: ...underestimate the power of women's intuition.

Season 4[edit]

A Fashionable Way to Die [4.1][edit]

Valerie Bechet: Maxim, you suck. i hate you and want to end our relationship. she stabs him.

Eva Taylor: How was your flight across the (English) Channel?
Jessica: You know, I am such a diplomat. I switched from tea to Perrier halfway across.

Jessica: If that man extorted money from you, there are laws. But there's no law that says that I can't help you out.

[When all involved in the fashion show testify to Eva Taylor's presence]
Inspector Panassic: What a remarkable woman to have such loyal employees with such acute powers of observation.

Inspector Panassic: I have boiled the ragout down to the simple meat and potatoes you Americans can understand. A maid identifies Eva's coat. Eva's button is found in the victim's room. And Eva's motive is the second oldest one in the book.

Peter Appleyard: Mrs. Fletcher, do you realize what you're suggesting?
Jessica: Not suggesting, Peter. Considering.

When Thieves Fall Out [4.2][edit]

Andrew Durbin: It's nice to see things haven't changed much.
Jessica: Oh, then you've been to Cabot Cove before.
Andrew: Years ago. Matter of fact, I stayed a bit longer than I'd planned.
Jessica: Well then, this should be quite a nostalgic vacation for you. Or are you here on business?
Andrew: A little of both. But mostly just to soak up a lot of sunshine and good, clean salt air.
Jessica: [Laughs] You sound to me like someone with a raging case of cabin fever.
Andrew: Mrs. Fletcher, you are a master of understatement.

Coach Kevin Cauldwell: I fell head over heels for this woman my first day at the school. But for some unfathomable reason, she wouldn't leave her husband. [All laughing] Then I met Frank Fletcher, and I gave up the chase. Best friends a man could hope for.

Perry Sillman: Maybe I'd better go see if Dan's okay.
Tara Sillman: Let Coach handle it.
Perry': Tara, I-
Tara: Perry, you can't help him. School's out.

Jessica: I'm sorry, but what you did was totally reprehensible.
Andrew: Even though your friend was guilty of murder?
Jessica: That was a matter for the courts.
Andrew: Was it? You mean the same courts that sent me away to prison? That robbed me of 20 precious years? That locked me away in an 8-by-10 cell like an animal for a crime I didn't commit? While Bill Hampton and his confederate were free to enjoy a life I never had and never will have! You have a bizarre definition of justice, Mrs. Fletcher.

Andrew:I came to say good-bye and to thank you.
Jessica: I'd rather you didn't.
Andrew: But I was telling you the truth, and I did spend 20 years in prison unjustly.
Jessica: Yes. And I'm sorry. But you knew when you came here what would happen.
Andrew: I wasn't sure, but I did warn you I was after justice.
Jessica: I can't help but think that justice could have been served in a better way.
Andrew: Oh? Well, you give it some thought, Mrs. Fletcher. And when you figure out what could have been, you let me know.

Witness for the Defense [4.3][edit]

Jim Harlan: My wife's lovely ex-roommate suddenly appears out of the blue and then steals away before I've had a chance to pump her about old college romances.
Patricia Harlan: He'd probably change the names and put 'em in his book.
Jessica: Well, I'm afraid writers are accused of that, you know.

Attorney Oliver Quayle: What an excellent witness you're going to make. "Mrs. Fletcher, national reputation, no notoriety, Cabot Cove, Maine." The jury is going to love that rustic... Do you have a hat? An old straw with some violets?
Jessica': I've never owned a hat like that in my life.
Attorney Quayle: Well, never mind. Barnaby will get you one. And an umbrella! Yes, an umbrella will be a nice touch.
Jessica: Mr. Quayle, I'm sorry, but I am not going to play a countrified character for you or for anyone else.

Attorney Quayle: A few simple questions to clarify the excellent presentation so competently elicited by Mrs. Pirage. Or is it Miss?
Annette Pirage: Miss.
Attorney Quayle: Thank you, Miss Pirage. I'm a man who likes to be precise about small things, and I would hate to get off to a bad start by giving you a husband if you don't have one.
Annette: When I decide I want one, I'll remember your generous offer, Mr. Quayle.

Jessica: It's just a matter of common sense. I mean, it must have taken quite some time for the escaping gas from the basement to have reached the open flame in the kitchen. If Patricia were alive or conscious, she would have smelled the gas, don't you think?
Attorney Quayle: The Crown must prove that she didn't die in that fire.
Jessica: It's not a matter of proof. It's a matter of logic.

Annette: It's like being mugged.
Jessica: Is that kind of character assassination legal?
Annette: Not very, but it's what Oliver Quayle does best.
Jessica: I'm no expert, but I thought I noticed you landing one or two low blows yourself.
Annette: When a girl steps into the alley to duke it out with the great Oliver Quayle, she better have a set of brass knuckles in her glove.

Barnaby Friar: Sometimes, when things aren't going well, (Quayle) forgets his manners.
Jessica: When the jury brings in a verdict, you'd better have a muzzle handy.

Jessica: How many ex-wives does Mr. Quayle have?
Secretary: Three. [Smiles] All originally his secretaries.

Old Habits Die Hard [4.4][edit]

Reverend Mother Claire: Don't patronize me, Jess. We are growing the scrawniest tomatoes east of the Mississippi.
Jessica: [Laughs] Well, let's just say they're a little underdeveloped.
Rev. M. Claire: [Laughs] I've tried everything. Fertilizer, prayer. I even considered doing a rain dance, but I was afraid the bishop might catch me at it.
Jessica: Claire, I hate to remind you, but your thumb is anything but green. Do you remember that little flower patch that we started behind the Kappa Delta house?
Rev. M. Claire: Do I remember! While you were knee-deep in marigolds, my zinnias just quit before they even started to bud.

Jessica: You know, the last time I saw Nellie, she was trying to organize a rafting excursion down the Snake River in Idaho.
Rev. M. Claire: [Laughing] Oh, dear Nellie. She couldn't open a can of peas without cutting a finger. I hope she survived.
Jessica: Oh, yes. She even sent me photos from her hospital bed.

Jessica: I hope I didn't make her feel uncomfortable.
Rev. M. Claire: You? The girl who managed to charm Dean Franklin out of a three-day suspension?
Jessica: You could have to if you had only stopped climbing that flagpole when he told you to.
Rev. M. Claire: What, and lose the bet?

[After discussing Sister Emily's death]
Rev. M. Claire: Ridiculous or not, it's obvious we'll have to postpone today's dedication.
Bishop Patrick Shea: Mother Superior, one moment. The parish has been rocked to the core by all of this with tremors reaching up to the cardinal himself, who agrees that the sooner we put this behind us, the better it'll be for everyone.
Rev. M. Claire: Surely you can't mean-
Bishop Shea: Case closed. Requiem aeternum pacem.

Bishop Shea: Mrs. Fletcher, with all due respect to that writer's imagination of yours, you are forgetting one fact. The convent was locked from dinner until the police arrived, which was after Sister Emily died. Now, how could Mike Phelps, Nancy Bates, or anybody else for that matter have broken in without leaving a trace?
Jessica: I admit I can't answer that.
Bishop Shea: No, I didn't think you could.
Jessica: Yet.

Jessica: I knew that there had to be another way into the convent. But what puzzled me was that none of the other sisters seem to know anything about it.
Nancy Bates: Easy. It was sealed right after the Civil War. Only a couple of wards found out about it in the '60s and they had it reopened without the sisters ever finding out. It's kinda been our little secret since. You know, a kind of matter of honor among the wards.
Jessica: Unfortunately, I'm afraid it's become a matter of murder.

Jessica: I must be overlooking something.
Rev. M. Claire: I'm afraid there's not much here to overlook. We lead a pretty austere life here.

Bishop Shea: [Mentioning Reverend Mother Claire] Try to impress on your dear old friend here the obligation of obedience. She is a troublemaker, you know.
Jessica: Bishop, I'm afraid that is your problem, and a delightful one you're going to have to deal with for a long, long time.

The Way to Dusty Death [4.5][edit]

Duncan Barnett: I love nothing better than a good argument. Except winning.

Lydia Barnett; Mr. Osborne, we've been expecting you. And Miss, uh...
Serena: Serena. Just Serena. Only one name like Ann-Margret.

Anne Hathaway: Vice Presidents are expected to look good, especially when they lose which, in my case, will be no problem at all.

Kate Dutton: The price we pay to help our husbands scale the ladder.
Jessica: I guess I was lucky. My husband Frank sold real estate and the only person he ever tried to butter up was my mother.

Virginia McCormack: Who the hell does he think he is?!
Morgan McCormack: He's the guy that runs the game, Ginny.
Virgina: My God. You act like you don't even care that that dinosaur refuses to become extinct!
Morgan: Even the dinosaurs died, Ginny. Time's on our side. The law of nature.
Virginia: Maybe we should give nature a little push.
Morgan: Let's go to bed, Ginny.
Virginia: Morgan. We're talking about your future! Our future. With him in control, how are you going to get to the top? He's only going to keep on playing you like a little lapdog.
Morgan: There are other companies. I mean, you just don't-
Virginia: Starting over? Morgan, is that what you want? Besides, everybody thought he was gonna die last year anyway. He's living on borrowed time as it is.
Morgan: There's a house full of people, Ginny.
Virginia: Exactly. A house full of suspects.

Tom Dutton: Believe me, Mrs. Fletcher. I only want what's best for this company.
Jessica: That seems to be what everybody says that they want.

Virginia: Jessica? I do hope you're not accusing my husband of murder. Because if you are, I think you ought to know that we have an excellent attorney whose only unattractive quality is his penchant for winning lawsuits.

It Runs in the Family [4.6][edit]

Pru: Ever think about goin' back up on the stage yourself, Em?
Emma McGill: Me? Sing again? Oh, this voice isn't what it used to be. It's got more cracks than an old teapot.

Lord Geoffrey Constable: It's me, Emma. Not quite so, uh, so sprightly, perhaps?
Jessica: Oh, I wouldn't say that. I think it's me the parade's passed by, love.

Johnny Constable: Are you here, Humphrey? What happened? Somebody die?
Humphrey Defoe: Happily, John, your uncle is reasonably well today.

Dr. Blandings: I've just examined your uncle, and... Well, I can't explain it, actually. His blood pressure's normal, his heartbeat regular, his eyes clear-
Emma: Oh, thank the Lord!
Dr. Blandings: Well, that's one explanation.

Emma: Oh, my old dad would rap me over the knuckles properly, would he. He'd say to me, "Emma darlin'," he'd say. "It's unlikely you'll ever become a lady, but there's no reason you shouldn't behave like one."

Inspector Frost: Where money is concerned or a title for the taking, the human race is capable of practically anything.

Inspector Frost: I think justice will best be served if Mr. Constable here comes with me down to the station.
Johnny: Like bloody hell I will.
Inspector Frost: I'm putting that in the form of a request, sir. If you prefer, I'll place you under arrest.

Sybil Constable: There's a 4:45 to London, Miss MacGill. Do hurry. I wouldn't want you to miss it.
Emma: Oh, on that we agree.

Inspector Frost: Have you ever considered becoming a detective?
Emma: Me? [Laughs] Oh, go on with you!
Inspector Frost: No, really. You have a knack for it.
Emmma: Do I? Well, let's just say it runs in the family.

If It's Thursday, It Must Be Beverly [4.7][edit]

Ideal Molloy: Oh, look, Eve! Here's a recipe for low-cal popcorn balls. And they're decorated to look like clocks.
Eve Simpson: How convenient. Next time you throw a cocktail party, your guests can gag and know what time it is.

Ideal: I must say, I feel like I'm going to get lucky today.
Eve: Oh, Ideal, you haven't gotten lucky since your husband left you.

Jessica: You know, I've never been very lucky at gambling. Once Frank and I went to Las Vegas, and I lost at roulette playing on both the black and the red at the same time.

Sheriff Tupper: What is it?
Jessica: Calamari.
Sheriff Tupper: Oh! [Chuckles] What's that? Some kind of fancy chicken?

Jessica: Something just doesn't add up though.
Sheriff Tupper: Oh, now, I've been waitin' for that, Mrs. Fletcher. You're gonna tell me there's no suicide note. But you know as well as I do, they don't always leave notes.
Jessica: I know, but what really bothers me is that women don't usually shoot themselves, Amos. I mean, they're more likely to take pills, which were certainly at Audrey's disposal.

Jessica: Look, it wasn't your fault that by the time we got back, the squid was a little rubbery.
Dr. Hazlitt: A little rubbery? We could have turned them into snow tires.

Jessica: Doesn't it seem a little strange to you that Eve also called in about her cat on Tuesday, last Tuesday and...
Sheriff Tupper: ...the Tuesday before that.
Jessica: You know, Phyllis Grant said something about Eve Simpson suddenly wanting two airline tickets yesterday, instead of one.
Sheriff Tupper: Makes you kinda wonder if it was the cat Jonathan was attending to or the canary.

Dr. Hazlitt: Where's my New Hampshire Weekly? I didn't get it this week.
George Tibbits: Should have come in yesterday.
Dr. Hazlitt: Well, yes, it should have come in yesterday, George, but it didn't.
George: Never got mine either, come to think of it. Maybe they just never got on the truck. Well, no news from New Hampshire that can't wait. [Laughing]
Dr. Hazlitt: It's a wonder anybody from this town ever got their draft notices from World War II.

Sheriff Tupper: Well, Doc, seems your nurse was one of Jonathan's regulars.
Dr. Hazlitt: Beverly?! Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in all my life!!
Sheriff Tupper: According to the logbook, if it's Thursday, it must be Beverly.

Steal Me a Story [4.8][edit]

[Acting out a scene as Dr. Balliard]
Gary Patterson: "Which means he was the one who hid in the alley waiting for Agatha Baxendale's chauffeur to respond to the blackmail note that had been sent to Agatha's brother-in-law Sidney the night before Naomi Randall's elopement with-" Ran off with who?
Script Prompter: Siegfried Perlmutter.
Gary: Siegfried? Perlmutter? Naomi? Who comes up with these names anyway?

Jessica: This Mr. Stone sounds like a very dishonest person.
Gayle Yamada: He's a television producer.

Gayle: Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Stone, but in good conscience, I-
Avery Stone: Yeah, honey, do yourself a favor. That conscience of yours? Lose it.

Sid Sharkey: Sweetheart, listen to me. Forget features. Forget Perlman. You're a TV star making big bucks.
Brenda Blake: I'm warning you. I'll walk.
Sid: You do, and you'll be slingin' hash at Dinty Moore's the rest of your life. We've got a contract, you and me, remember? Now it may be a trap, but it's lined with mink, so like they say, lay back and enjoy it.

Frieda Schmidt: I have your message for Mr. Sharkey right here. I'm sure he'll return your call as soon as possible.
Jessica: Yes, well, I have a great deal to say to him, and given a choice, I'd rather say it in person.

Gayle: Mrs. Fletcher, I haven't been here in Hollywoodland for very long, but one thing I have learned: Protect your fanny at all costs.

Frieda: I'm so sorry we couldn't get you something better but they give all the really good offices to the movie people.
Jessica: I think this is lovely.
Frieda: You should see what the genius in the corner office has. His last two pictures lost 30 million bucks. His fridge is stuffed with beluga caviar. Us they send Beer Nuts.

Trouble in Eden [4.9][edit]

Jessica: I don't believe in coincidences, especially when they involve murder or attempted murder.

Lewis Framm: Doesn't it bother you that Charlotte probably died in this room?
Jessica: No, the only thing that bothers me is unanswered questions.

Lewis: I think I'm overdressed for the county recorder's office. I need bib overalls and a shovel for that filing mess.

Jessica: What's your offer?
C.J. Dobbs: $100,000, lock, stock and barrel.
Jessica: Well, I can speak for the lock and the barrel but the stock will have to speak for themselves.
C.J.: Ma'am?
Jessica: Before I can reply to your offer, my lawyer and I will have to look over Charlotte's books.

Jessica: Hurry! Take me to a telephone. I just lied about the sheriff, and I have to let him in on it.

Indian Giver [4.10][edit]

George Longbow: Donna, look, my people have been bowing and scraping to the white man for centuries, and what did it ever get us? Indignation, humiliation and reservations. Not to mention several dozen diseases imported from Europe.

Donna Crenshaw: I understand where you're coming from, but these people feel threatened. It doesn't take a whole lot of fear to turn a crowd into a mob.

Professor Harold Crenshaw: Donna, I'm sorry. You think we can go inside, sit down, have lunch? We can make it a table for three.
Donna: Come on, George. I think we're about to negotiate a peace treaty.

Doom with a View [4.11][edit]

Jessica: The Montaigne Plaza? Oh, my goodness. That hotel has more stars than the sidewalks in Hollywood.

Mark Havlin: If I let you know all the wonderful things I do around here, you'd have to give me a raise.

Garrett Harper: (Cornelia)'s the consummate workaholic. Rumor has it that she once took out time for dinner in 1965. But it's just a rumor.

Jessica: You know, if I read one more paragraph tonight, this manuscript is gonna start looking like one big typo.

Inspector Donald Matheney: You do have a writer's imagination, Mrs. Fletcher.
Jessica: Thank you.
Inspector Matheney: I didn't quite mean that as a-
Jessica: I know what you meant, Inspector.

Grady: I really appreciate all the trouble you went to, Aunt Jess.
Jessica: Good. Then maybe in gratitude you can tell me why you did something so... so...
Grady: Dumb?

Jessica: Look, Grady, the day that you and I can't have a good old-fashioned argument, I'm gonna start wondering where I went wrong.
Jessica: Good word.

Garrett: Hey, pal, now that Havlin's confessed, how'd you like to be my best man?
Grady: Aw, gee, I'd really like to, but I'm gonna be busy that day.
Garrett: I haven't told you the day.
Grady: I know.

Who Threw the Barbitals in Mrs. Fletcher's Chowder? [4.12][edit]

Dr. Hazlitt: Well, look, perhaps you could take some time off, have a bit of lunch.
Sheriff Tupper: If I could take time off, I'd go to the bathroom.

Winnie Tupper Banner: It's hard to love a person when you don't know what they're gonna do next.

Dr. Hazlitt: His sister? My, my, my! [Chuckle] Well, I had always thought of Amos as one of a kind. Here, let me have a look at you. No, I'm afraid I don't see any family resemblance. And that, my dear, is all to your credit.

Jessica: Seth, look, I feel sorry for Winnie.
Dr. Hazlitt: Winnie?! What about me?!!
Jessica: Look, if she'd come to me, I would've taken her in. But she didn't, Seth, she came to you for help.
Dr. Hazlitt: Because I'm closer! Closer, woman! I'm a victim of geography!

Flo Oakes: Do you mean he died without ever wakin' up?
Dr. Hazlitt: Near the end, he did open his eyes for a brief period.
Kenny Oakes: Did he say anything?
Dr. Hazlitt: Elmo uttered exactly one word.
Sheriff Tupper: Somebody's name?
Dr. Hazlitt: No. It was an obscenity.

Jessica: Mr. Bellamy, did you ever see Elmo take pills?
Ed Bellamy: All the time. Like peanuts. Sometimes he was so high the only way you could see him was on radar.

Dr. Hazlitt: One thing about Amos's in-laws: They explain a lot about Amos.

Harbinger of Death [4.13][edit]

Fay Hewitt: If you finally find this comet...
Leonard Palmer: When, not if.
Fay: ...they'll probably name it for you, posthumously. "Here lies Leonard Palmer, asleep at last."

Dr. Thor Lundquist: I'm a pragmatist, my friend, unlike my colleague Leonard Palmer who scans the night skies trying to discover the undiscoverable. If the government is interested in financing my lifestyle, I'll gladly furnish the government with anything it wishes.

Jessica: Dr. Palmer is on the verge of finding a comet.
Sgt. Kettler: I didn't know one was missing.

Jessica: Perhaps someone moved the telescope after Dr. Palmer left. Perhaps someone else wanted to know what was going on. Perhaps someone wanted to incriminate Dr. Palmer.
Sgt. Kettler: That's an awful lot of perhapses, ma'am.

Curse of the Daanav [4.14][edit]

Richard Hazlitt: What's the point of having money if you don't spend it? Besides, all I want is a measly thou. You can call it an advance on my inheritance.
Carolyn Hazlitt: [Sighs] Carolyn, honey, these advances are becoming an all-out major assault.

Jessica: Seth Hazlitt, you are a monument to mulishness.

Carolyn: Oh, Uncle Seth! Having fun at Daddy's little soiree?
Mark Hazlitt: Don't be absurd, Carolyn. No one has fun. One simply survives from one drink to the next.

Richard: Remember that time when we got bombed on some of Dad's best Irish whiskey and tried to join the marines?
Dr. Hazlitt: The recruiting officer took one look at our faces, said, "All right, boys. Come back when you're sober and when you're at least 17."

Dr. Hazlitt: And here we sit. Two of the biggest fools that ever drew breath. What do you say we stop wasting it?
Richard: To us.
Dr. Hazlitt: You said it, Brother.

Lt. Steven Ames: Mrs. Fletcher, just between the two of us, which one are you with?
Jessica: I beg your pardon?
Lt. Ames: Well, I first suspected after our talk in the garage, but that bit about Muslims and Hindus? Dead giveaway. So which is it? FBI, CIA, NSC?
Jessica: Lieutenant Ames, I don't know who or what you think I am, but I assure you, I'm simply a mystery writer from Cabot Cove, Maine.
Lt. Ames: Cabot Cove. Nice touch.

Mark: Lawyers. Can't live with them, can't die without them.

Lt. Ames: I'd advise you not to plan any sudden vacations, Mr. Singh.
Vikram Singh: Only a man with something to hide runs away.

Mourning Among the Wisterias [4.15][edit]

Eugene McClenden: If they want happy endings, let 'em go to the movies. It's art, Jessica. It has to end badly.

Crystal Wendle: Oh, Uncle Eugene, you know what the doctor said.
Eugene: That man's a sadist. He only knows about needles, scalpels and disgusting intrusions into the body.

Arnold Goldman: Eugene, it sure is nice to be working with you again. You trimmed down since the last time I saw you.
Ola Mae: He doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive.
Eugene: Wages of sin, Arnold. And the price of great art.

Eugene: You know the life I've lived. Could be my liver's pickled, kidney's turned to stone, malignant cells multiplying feverishly in my stomach...
Jessica: But surely there must be something that can be done.
Eugene: Exploratory surgery? You keep the old vegetable alive for another six months just to watch him twitch? No. John Barleycorn will see me across the River Styx.

Crystal: Jessica, I think I owe you an explanation about last night.
Jessica: Only if it'll make you feel better.
Crystal: It's very important that Todd be a success in his new position in Jonathan's firm, and apparently, Jonathan misunderstood my interest in advancing Todd's career.
Jessica: Jonathan tried to exchange one advance for another?

Arnold: Trust? That's rarely the basis of a sound business arrangement.

Murder Through the Looking Glass [4.16][edit]

Sgt. Cooper: So, Mrs. Fletcher, sorry. Seems like you were right. Mr. Cosgrove has turned up on a cold slab in the morgue.
Jessica: He's also in a warm bed in Farmington. I met him right after he'd been shot in the head and the heart and dumped into the Connecticut River and he seemed to have taken it very well.

Father Patrick Francis: I'm being perfectly honest with you. And since you penetrated my cover, you're going to have to trust me.
Jessica: Why?
Father Francis: Well, now, that's a good question. How about because I work for the government?
Jessica: Do you trust everyone who works for the government?

Father Francis: Okay, when this is over, you remind me and whatever you don't like, I'll just pluck out of the file and it will be as if it never happened. Jessica, I want you to find out what's going on in that safe house, and I want you to share it with me.
Jessica: In other words, you want me to spy on others so that you can fill their files? My answer to that is, no, thank you.

A Very Good Year for Murder [4.17][edit]

Jessica: Seventy-five is a milestone. It's not the end of the road.

Ben Skyler: But my real ambition is to write a novel. Are there any tips you could give me?
Jessica: Oh, read, read and read some more.

Police Chief Thaddeus Kyle: So, Mrs. Fletcher, are you enjoying the party?
Jessica: Oh, yes, although I shudder at the thought of all these calories. But they smell so wonderful.

Jessica: Stella told me that Salvatore has been under great pressure from an eastern conglomerate to sell.

Kansatronics... something like that.

Chief Kyle: Well, now you're telling me that a Fortune 500 is hiring mob muscle to negotiate their contracts?
Jessica: Maybe this company isn't even in the Fortune 5,000.

Salvatore Gambini: Everybody dies. It's what you do before you die that's important.

Benedict Arnold Slipped Here [4.18][edit]

Jessica: Poor Tillie. She was forgotten before she was gone.
Dr. Hazlitt: I've seen larger crowds at the drive-in theater waiting in line for mosquito spray.

Wilton Tibbles: Benny, whatever it is, I'm not interested.
Benny Tibbles: Well, you should be interested, little brother, because I am perfectly willing to cut you in on something very big.
Wilton: Ah. How big? About the size of a white elephant?

Jessica: How does it look?
Eve Simpson: Ah, where to start? The building is ancient and dilapidated, the plumbing needs to be ripped out and replaced, the wiring is a joke, the roof is shot, the building has dry rot and will never pass a termite inspection, the septic tank is inadequate, the trees are dying, the fence is falling down, the backyard is a dump.

Eve: The word is the new owner's in town.
Jessica: I can see that the beauty parlor for communication system is working in good order.

Benny: I wouldn't let you handle this stuff if you were the last antique dealer in the world.
Wilton: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Benny: You know, I've heard that all my life, and I still don't know what it means.
Wilton: Be careful. You might find out.

Eve: Mr. Andrews is thinking of buying this house.
Alastair Andrews: If so, I shall have the house dismantled and shipped back to England.
Sheriff Tupper: England? What for?
Alastair: To have it reassembled, as a shrine to Benedict Arnold.
Sheriff Tupper: A shrine?!
Jessica: Uh, Amos, uh, don't you think you should get the tape out of your car to seal off the den?
Sheriff Tupper: Next thing you know we'll be celebratin' Mussolini's birthday.

Jessica: I stopped by the lawyer's office. He said that you haven't furnished him with any identification.
Liza Adams: Well, like, I burned my birth certificate and my passport in 1970 when I declared myself a citizen of the universe.
Jessica: Do you have a driver's license?
Liza: I burned that in 1972. It was an anti-pollution rally.
Jessica: Any credit cards?
Liza: Ha! You gotta be kidding. Oh, so I got no I.D. Does that make me a non-person?
Jessica: No, it doesn't. But it may make it difficult for you to establish a legal claim to your legacy.

Eve: I would get down on my knees and beg, but this is my last good pair of panty hose!

Jessica: Mr. Andrews is in the den, getting the feel of 1780.
Sheriff Tupper: Doesn't he know his side lost the war?

Just Another Fish Story [4.19][edit]

Harry Finlay: The more you abuse the nouveau riche, the better they tip.

Harry: Mimi, I want you to meet a real writer. This is Jessica Fletcher, mystery novelist. Mimi Harcourt, gossip.
Mimi Harcourt: Not gossip, Harry. Trends.
Jessica: You're a columnist? Oh, I've always thought that must be the hardest job.
Mimi: Well, I'm afraid I haven't read you either, Jennifer. But, of course, my readers aren't into fiction, they're more into making their own scene.

Grady: (Asking Jessica her impression of his fiancée) She's, uh- She's pretty okay, isn't she?
Jessica: Mm-hmm. Donna gives new meaning to "Okay", believe me.

Mimi: The food biz is all theater. Part of the excitement is watching the changing cast of characters.

Lt. Ralph Rupp: You and your brother live together, ma'am?
Alice Brooke: This is New York. We own a restaurant, Lieutenant, not Rockefeller Center.
Lt. Rupp: My youngest wants to leave the house and go out on her own. I told her I got other plans for my pension.

Mimi: Look, this gig is about as permanent as origami tofu. They have gone through six journalists here in the last two years.

Jessica: Donna, people who love each other want to help each other.

Grady: I already met your father, and he fired me.
Donna: Oh, that's okay. I mean, he fires everybody. He probably won't even remember it.
Grady: Really? You think?
Donna: Oh, he fired me once too.

Showdown in Saskatchewan [4.20][edit]

Jessica: Well, if (Marty)'s as good with horses as he is with visiting aunts from Maine, I'd say that (his rival) Mr. Talbot was in for a lot of trouble.

Wally Bryce: Guess we all knew that smokin' would get Doc someday, huh? Never figured it like that.

Jill Morton: I called you first thing at the motel.
Jessica:What time was that?
Jill: 8.30.
Jessica: First thing is around 7.00 for me.

Luke Purdue: You're sayin' somebody tried to kill me? That's crazy!
RCMP Inspector Roger McCabe: A man without enemies? You're a rare species, Mr. Purdue.

Jessica: Tenacity is an admirable virtue.
Carla Talbot: Until it turns into thick-headed stubbornness.

Jessica: Now, if you have any doubts about your future with Marty Reed, I suggest that you talk to him about it. Don't be afraid to ask him the hard question. If he doesn't give you the good answer, well, that's your answer. Remember one thing: You're the one who's gonna make up your mind about all this. Not me. Not your mother. But you.

Inspector McCabe: (When uncovering a clue) Strange.
Jessica: No, not strange at all.

Jill: It's Mom. She's gonna kill me when I get home.
Jessica: Well, if she does, it will be from asphyxiation due to excessive hugging.

Deadpan [4.21][edit]

Eliot Easterbrook: Do you know that it has been said that the theater is a temple? If so, it is a temple which has frequently worshipped false gods. Only time and astute critical judgment will tell if Mainely Murder, which opens here tomorrow night, will honor the gods or yet again, profane them.

Jessica: Mr. Easterbrook, I am here to attend the opening night and to bask in Walter's success.
Eliot: Bask? Is that a prediction, Mrs. Fletcher, or just hype?
Jessica: Isn't it true that the only thing you can predict about the theater is that it is unpredictable?
Eliot: Oh, bravo, Mrs. Fletcher. You must have stayed up all night thinking that one up.
Jessica: No, actually. Molière did it for me about 200 years ago.

Shayne Grant: Curtain going up, darling!
Eliot: I hope you don't think by inviting me to your postprandial party, you'll color my reaction to your little play.
Shayne: Of course not, darling, but missing the first scene might.
Barney Mapost: [After he leaves the lobby] Finally I get it! He likes being late! He's only comfortable in the dark!
Shayne: Like all creatures who prey off the living.

Lt. Aloyius Jarvis: (About Eliot) The guy gets paid for being insulting. My cousin Marvin spent his lifetime doing that for free.

Lt. Jarvis: Oh, I don't know, Mrs. Fletcher. Finding him with the murder weapon in his hand? It's just too good to ignore.
Jessica: Exactly! It's too good.

Jessica: Mr. Easterbrook, doesn't it get tiring, being the voice of disdain?
Eliot: I never tire of putting people in their place.
Jessica: I can't help but wonder what interests are served when critics make destructive remarks simply to be, well, amusing.

Walter Knapf: Look, it isn't the way it seems.
Jessica: Well, maybe you can tell us the way it was.

The Body Politic [4.22][edit]

Kathleen Lane: Mr. Hall, I don't want to talk about rumors. It demeans both our professions.
Edmund Hall: But five years ago, when you were mayor of your home town, stories persisted that you had an affair with a married man.
Kathleen: Forgive me, Mr. Hall. What should be put to bed in this campaign is gossip, not me.

Kathleen: The fact is, if it isn't a presidential election, the public interest is on a par with Saturday night wrestling.

Bud Johnson: (Reviewing one of Kathleen's upcoming speeches) It's good. Though you might want to soft pedAl this reference to day care for working mothers.
Jessica: But in a speech Kathleen gave last week, she came out for day care.
Bud: Yeah, well, that was at a day care center. The speech you're working on is for a couple hundred ladies at a country club, and they already have day care. They call her the maid.

Jessica: Have you considered that somebody else may have killed Mr. Johnson and framed Mrs. Lane for the express purpose of destroying her candidacy?
Lt. Gowans: It's crossed my mind.
Jessica: Next time it starts crossing, Lieutenant, please stop it halfway and give it some attention.

Edmund: The public loves a peek into a candidate's personal file.
Jessica: You know, at times it seems that's all they are interested in.

Lt. Gowan: I just heard on the radio that a new poll from the Daily Post says Mrs.Lane just fell 12 points behind you.
C.W. Butterfield: You can't say you're surprised.
Lt. Gowan: Surprised? Nothing about politics surprises me.

Edmund: The political beat puts people to sleep. It's dry, it's boring. They want to see Dallas, Knots Landing.

Kathleen: I've learned the hard way that a candidate is worth two angles to the media. When I was 20 points behind in the polls, they tried to build me up with those heart-rending stories about the gutsy underdog.
Jessica: But after molding you into David versus Goliath, they wanted a new angle for the morning edition.

Kathleen: If a candidate's character becomes the issue of the campaign, and the bedroom becomes the ballot box, then the candidate can no longer speak on the vital ideas and programs that should be addressed.

Season 5[edit]

J.B. as in Jailbird [5.1][edit]

Lancaster: In two day's time, Leonard Matoso arrives here from Africa to give a speech at Berkeley.
Randy Travis: Oh, yes. A highly publicized, politically orchestrated event engineered to embarrass the entrenched regime in his own country.
Michael Hagarty:Matoso is a can of petrol looking for a match.

(Jessica talks to a hooker in jail)
Veronica: What ya in for, honey?
Jessica: Oh! Uh... it's all a misunderstanding.
Veronica: Yeah, I know what you mean. With me it was political.
Jessica: Political?
Veronica: Well, how was I to know he was the state senator?

Jessica: Michael, what have you done to me?
Michael: (Southern accent) Michael? Why, no, ma'am. Derek Dawson, of Peabody, Perkins and Proctor, at your service. And my professional advice is that you give no statement to the police. (Normal voice) I suspect they wouldn't believe you anyway.
Jessica: Well, they certainly don't. And I'm sure I have you to thank for it.

Veronica: Gee, honey, I had you figured for shoplifting or maybe kiting checks. But murder? Jessica, I knew you had class.

A Little Night Work [5.2][edit]

Axel Weingard: The thieves here tonight are into stealing elections, not diamonds.

Miles Hatcher: It's quite a soirée Mrs. Darrow is hosting here.
Dennis Stanton: Yes. Yes. All the candidates lined up to kiss the lady's ring. Should be quite an evening.
Miles: I didn't realize you were into politics, Dennis.
Dennis: I'm not, Mr. Hatcher. I'm into parties.

Dennis: Tell me, do you think the words of a truly good writer reflect her innermost fantasies?
Jessica: You mean, do I ever feel overwhelmed by an urge to dispatch my enemies with the nearest available weapon? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I abhor violence.
Dennis: Oh, me too. So messy.

NYPD Lt. Bert Alffano: Look, lady, it's not much of a career, but it's the only one I got, and the last cop who bumped heads against City Hall is patrolling junkyards in Astoria.
Jessica: And if it comes out that you are protecting a killer, where do you think you will end up?
Lt. Alffano: You don't give a guy much room, do you?

Mr. Penroy's Vacation [5.3][edit]

(Covering for Penroy's death)
Helen Appletree: We thought of calling off the (birthday) party, but he said he wanted everybody to come and enjoy themselves, didn't he, Lillian?
Lilian Appletree: Yes. Those were his last words.

Jessica: Sheriff, perhaps the ladies might give a little more information if you were a little more gentle.
Sheriff Mort Metzger: Oh...You mean, less iron fist and more velvet glove.

Sheriff Metzger: One thing you learn on the streets of New York: You can't judge by appearances.

Sheriff Metzger: I've had years of experience dealing with slimeballs like them. Faced with a murder-one rap, they'll cough up the location of that money like a baby with the colic.

(When they discover the money stash)
Helen: They're all so new. They're brand new!
Lilian: Oh, that's all right. We'll run it through the washing machine like the gangsters do on television.

Snow White, Blood Red [5.4][edit]

Jessica: (Talking about a crossbow) Oh, my! That is a nasty-looking item. I never noticed it before.
Anne Lowery: We use it on beginners who clog up the expert course.

Anne: How could you humiliate me like that?
Mike Lowery: That's very funny, darling. I've been meaning to ask you the same question for a week!

Pamela Leeds: The business world can be very treacherous, like a downhill course laced with rocks.

Ed McMasters: Well, you're welcome to join us, if you don't mind eating with a cop.
Jessica: Oh, not at all! They're some of my favorite people.

Dr. Lewis: This is absurd, Mrs. Fletcher! I am not a coroner, I'm a gynecologist!
Jessica: I'm afraid, Doctor, that necessity creates strange bedfellows.


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