Murder, She Wrote (season 1)

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Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about mystery writer and amateur detective Jessica Fletcher.

The Murder of Sherlock Holmes

Kitty Donovan: It's a pleasure, Mrs. Fletcher. Grady's told me so much about you.

Jessica: Isn't that a coincidence? Grady has told me absolutely nothing about you.

Chief Roy Gunderson: Folks don't go around having half their heads blown off for no reason. I'm looking for motive.

Peter: For killing Caleb McCallum? Surely, you jest. Half the country had reason to kill him. The other half didn't know him.

Preston Giles: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] He insisted I meet him by the pool at 11:00. The subject was blackmail. I couldn't go through that, not after all these years. I was in a blind rage. I took a gun and shot him. When I realized how easily I could have been seen ... If anyone had been outside, they could have heard the shot. Many years ago, I was betrayed by three partners in a business venture. An apartment house we built collapsed. Several people were killed. Although I had nothing to do with the construction end, I was made the scapegoat. They got off free, and I was sentenced to fifteen years in prison. After two years, I managed to escape. Don't ask the details, but the police assumed I died in the attempt.

Jessica: Like the Count of Monte Cristo.

Preston Giles: As you well know, my favorite fictional character. Well, not everyone was convinced that I was dead. A hotshot detective, third-grade, had a hunch that I was still alive. He became even more positive when, over the next couple of years, like the Count of Monte Cristo, I financially destroyed my three ex-partners from a safe distance. Saturday was the first time I'd seen him in twenty-two years, and I didn't recognize him. But, obviously, he recognized me. He'd changed his name, as I had. But I knew that if the police ever started poking around his files, sooner or later, they'd come across me.

Jessica: Yes, the files. That's why you dressed Baxendale up in the Sherlock Holmes outfit. To make the police think that the killer had intended to kill Caleb. You had to divert attention away from Baxendale.

Preston Giles: Yes. He was a slimy blackmailer, Jess. He threatened to destroy my life. Morally, it was a case of self-defense.

Jessica: Preston, even if I could bring myself to believe that, there's no way that you can justify the murdering of Caleb McCallum. And you did kill him, for the same reason. To divert suspicion from yourself.

Preston Giles: Caleb wasn't much of a human being, either.

Jessica: Oh, but he didn't deserve killing. No one deserves killing. Oh, Preston! I'm so angry! I don't know whether to scream or cry. All the way to the railway station, I was thinking about you. Twice, I nearly turned around and came back. Then, when I realized, when I read that newspaper...

Preston Giles: I'm sorry, Jess. I truly am. Another time, a different place, we might have had something. I'm going to talk to Gunderson. Would you go with me?

Jessica: Yes. I'd like to very much.

Deadly Lady [1.1]

Sheriff Amos Tupper: A hundred million dollars is a whale of a motive!

Captain Ethan Cragg: Amos, you've been reading too many of Jessica's books.

Sheriff Amos Tupper: Well, that's how much you know, Ethan. I haven't read any of them.

Ralph: An empty head is almost as bad as an empty belly.

Maggie Earl: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] You're very clever, Mrs. Fletcher.

Jessica: Merely logical. You're the clever one, Maggie. Taking advantage of your father's plan, actually confessing to shooting him, knowing full well that the police investigation would exonerate you.

Maggie Earl: I hated him for what he did to me. My whole life was spent catering to that man, Mrs. Fletcher. Keeping the peace, running his home, and for what? Love? Appreciation? The only one that got any real love was Nan. And, yes, I hate her too. He should have loved me. I'm the one who gave him everything.

Birds of a Feather [1.2]

Lt. Floyd Novack: Would you mind doing me a great big favor?

Jessica: I'll do absolutely anything I can to help.

Lt. Floyd Novack: Would you please get out of here?

Howard Griffin: Mrs. Fletcher, do you know how hard it is to sit in someone's living room when they'd rather be watching television and tell them how rich they're gonna be after they're dead?

Freddy York: [after Jessica accuses him of committing the murder] It's my luck. It's my dumb luck. Half the people in this club wanted Drake dead, and your niece's boyfriend's gotta get tagged for it. I knew you were trouble as soon as I saw you. What was I gonna do? Spend the rest of my life workin' in this rinky-dink club? You ever try to tell jokes when someone's got their hands on your throat?

Jessica: Surely murder isn't the answer.

Freddy York: Yeah, well, you call it murder. I call it a career move. Look at me. What do you see? I'm not just another comedian. I'm Freddy York. I'm the first guy that did his own rim shots. I'm like the Edison of comedy. I'm Robert Fulton on the drums. So Al Drake sees me one Sunday night. He says, "Kid, you're good. Here's a long-term contract. It's your shot, your big break." He broke my spirit. That man broke my heart. I couldn't let him do that. I'm a creative genius. Fair is fair. He gave me a shot. I gave him a shot. Ba-dum-bum. Should've shoved you under that stage light.

Lt. Floyd Novack: Why did you rig that?

Freddy York: Why don't you ask her?

Jessica: I think that Mr. York was afraid that the charges against Howard would be dropped. They weren't strong enough. So he thought perhaps another murder attempt, particularly against himself, would point to someone else.

Freddy York: Boy, you are good. I mean, you are really, really good. You ever think of taking your act on the road? You should play Vegas. That reminds me. I better cancel my tickets. Doesn't look like I'm gonna be going. It's too bad. I could've knocked 'em dead.

Jessica: I'm sure you would have.

Hooray for Homicide [1.3]

Jerry Lydecker: Nudity is necessary for the story. It reveals Jenny's true character.

Jessica: In my story, Jenny was Jonny, the 10-year-old son of a Presbyterian minister. And he didn't take off his shirt in 200 pages.

Allan Gebhart: In this town, Mrs. Fletcher, we have two kinds of people. Those who are working and those in development. The ones in development spend a lot of time in the unemployment office.

Eve Crystal: [after confessing to the murder] You know, it's funny. I never wanted to be a movie star. It was all Jerry's idea. I would've done anything for him. Jerry. Scott. I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I, Mrs. Fletcher?

It's a Dog's Life [1.4]

Tom Cassidy: It's an honour to meet a world famous writer.

Jessica: Oh, but an infamous writer, I'm afraid.

Lovers and Other Killers [1.5]

Dr. Edmund Gerard: You're a very famous person these days.

Jessica: Oh, no, Edmund. Elizabeth Taylor, now that is famous. Me, I still have to take a number at Hoopers Bakery, same as ever.

Jack Kowalski: You ask a lot of questions.

Jessica: I'm nosy.

Amelia Brown: [after Jessica accuses her of comitting the murder] I went to see Lila Tuesday evening. To confront her. As I pulled up, she was just leaving. Her actions seemed strange, so I followed her. I wanted to see what she was up to. I was afraid she might have been meeting Edmund. I followed her into the warehouse. She saw me. She knew why I was there. She laughed. She threatened to tell Edmund. And I just lost my temper. I reached for the longshoreman's hook, and I just lashed at her! I ran! I...

Dr. Edmund Gerard: Amelia, for God's sake, why?

Amelia Brown: Because I love you.

Dr. Edmund Gerard: I had no idea.

Amelia Brown: No. None at all. Even after all these years, even after Gwen died. And then when you started up with...

Dr. Edmund Gerard: Amelia, Lila didn't mean anything to me. That was a passing thing. I could have handled it.

Amelia Brown: Are you sure?

David Tolliver: Send me a copy of the book when it's finished?

Jessica: I may do better. You may end up being a character.

David Tolliver: What would I be? A victim, a suspect, a killer?

Jessica: I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Hit, Run and Homicide [1.6]

Tony Holiday: Ms. Fletcher, anything new on the investigation?

Jessica: Sheriff Tupper is exploring several possibilities.

Daniel O'Brien: Got out his own Ouija board, huh?

Daniel O'Brienː May I offer a toast to the two ladies in my life? To the one who just saved my life and to the other who's been saving it for years, only I was too preoccupied to notice.

We're Off to Kill the Wizard [1.7]

Jessica: A good guest is like Halley's Comet. Seen and enjoyed, seldom and briefly.

Horatio Baldwin: Come, come, dear lady. Why this moral outrage? I read your books. We're in the same business.

Jessica: No, Mr. Baldwin. I write for people who read. You apparently stage your bloodbaths for tots who have not yet learned to differentiate the difference between your sordid charades and the real world. There's quite a difference.

Jessica: Since Mr. Gardner risked bringing me here at the point of a gun, I assume he feels a very strong attachment to you.

Erica Baldwin: For the past two years, Horatio chose a celibate life, Mrs. Fletcher. With Michael's co-operation, I didn't.

Death Takes a Curtain Call [1.8]

Irina Katsa: [after confessing to the murder] Well, it makes no difference anymore. Take me back.

Jessica: Child, Major Karzoff has no jurisdiction here. Amos. Be gentle with her, please.

Sheriff Amos Tupper: Yes, ma'am. I sure will.

Major Anatole Karzof: Farewell, my dear Jessica. I look forward to your next novel.

Jessica: I'd like to send you a signed copy if it won't compromise you in the Kremlin.

Major Anatole Karzof: Sometimes, a man likes to be compromised, eh?

Death Casts a Spell [1.9]

Jessica: Good morning, Mr. Michaels.

Bud Michaels: Is it? I didn't notice.

Andrew Townsend: [after Jessica accuses him of committing the murder] No wonder you're a writer. You've got one hell of an imagination.

Jessica: Lieutenant Bergkamp confirmed that you bought your earplugs in the gift shop. And your reference to the elevator as a lift suggested that you had spent some time in England. And I'm sure that some digging around will turn up a connection with Cagliostro.

Andrew Townsend: I'll save you the trouble. My father was Bud Michaels's bureau chief, and as such, he okayed the article that Cagliostro tricked Michaels into writing. So when Cagliostro sued Michaels, my father was named too. And when Michaels's career was destroyed, my father's was destroyed along with it. He just couldn't face starting over again, so he killed himself. I wanted to get Cagliostro for years, but I just could never figure out how. But when this thing dropped into my lap, the whole plan came to me just like that.

Capital Offense [1.10]

Det. Lt. Avery Mendelsohn: Maybe you should have been a cop.

Jessica: I am a cop. When I'm at the typewriter.

Jessica: Excuse me, Mr. Chairman. Would it be possible for me to say a few words?

Committee Chairman: I would hope, Mrs. Fletcher, that they will be considerably fewer than those voiced by your colleague from New York.

Jessica: I have studied this bill very carefully. And heaven knows this cannery would certainly bring a lot of new jobs to my district. And if that were the only consideration, I would vote for it without any hesitation. However, I've discovered that there are seven abandoned canneries in my state. Can you imagine? Seven. No longer working, no longer employing people. And why? Because the owners walked away from them rather than spend money to modernize their operations. [to Ray Dixon, who is sitting in the gallery] Now, I believe two of them are your companies, Mr. Dixon. [to the committee] Now, I realize that there is expense involved in updating equipment and perhaps those locations are no longer as convenient as McHenry's Point. But, you know, I'm very upset by this notion that we can just dispose of buildings or people when they become a little troublesome or unprofitable. Almost five thousand people used to work at those abandoned canneries. Now, that's truly disgraceful, to put people out of work, to abandon perfectly good buildings because our tax laws make it financially advantageous. Well, I'm sorry, but I think that sort of attitude is not only preposterous, but it's inhuman. Now, the Pendrake Corporation doesn't need a new cannery. They need to put the canneries they already own back into operation. [to Ray Dixon] Now, Mr. Dixon, you and your fellow canners have been taking a lot out of the state of Maine and I think it's high time you started putting something back.

Joe Blinn: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] I'm no different than anyone else in this town, Mrs. Fletcher. You buy and you sell. People, legislation and influence. There's a price tag on everything and everyone. And I was doing real well, too. Until Martha got just a little too big for her pantyhose.

Jessica: And did you think you were the only one to play the game of buy and sell?

Broadway Malady [1.11]

Rita Bristol: Funny thing about having your name in lights. When the power fails, you learn a lot about yourself and your friends.

Barry Bristol: Do you have any idea what it was like to be Rita Bristol's little boy? To have a self-involved, washed-up, penny-pinching lush for a mother? She never gave a damn about me. She hardly even admitted that I was alive.

Jessica: I felt she cared a great deal about you.

Barry Bristol: No. See, that's what she wanted people to believe. No, it was all for my sister. It was "Patti this" and "darling Patti that," as if I didn't exist. Yes, I wanted her money. She certainly wasn't about to give it to me. All those years I could have used it, all those chances I had, here and in Hollywood. But she always knew better. "Get it from other people," she'd say. "We Bristols supply the talent." Answers. She had 'em, every lousy minute of my life.

Murder to a Jazz Beat [1.12]

Lafayette Duquesne: I always say that whatever time a man's got spending it with good food, good friends, good music and good conversation, man can't die no ways but happy.

Jessica: You're a patron of the arts.

Dr. Aaron Kramer: No, that's someone with class. I'm just a talent broker with a tin ear.

Eddie Walters: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] Ben was the best friend I ever had. He wasn't nice to a whole lot of people. But he wasn't never not nice to me. Not never. He was my friend, and he took real good care of me. A long time ago, Ben, Joey and me, we done somethin' bad. Real bad. Callie told the police we were with her so they wouldn't arrest us. Now, she did that 'cause she loved Ben. And Ben and me, we love her right back. Then Ben didn't love her no more. He said he wasn't gonna let her go to Las Vegas with us. That if she found out, she'd tell the police she'd lied, and we'd go to jail. When we were in that place, South America, Ben told me he was gonna kill Callie. He even went out and got the poison to do it. Now, I couldn't, I couldn't just let him do that. I told him, I said, "Ben, Callie would never do anything to hurt us." But he wouldn't listen to me. He wouldn't believe me! And when I tried to tell Callie, Callie didn't believe me either! So I couldn't just let him kill her. 'Cause he didn't love her no more. But I did. But I did. I did, I did, I did!

My Johnny Lies Over the Ocean [1.13]

Carla Raymond: I'll feel much better after I get my hair done!

Phoebe Carroll: You had your hair done!

Carla Raymond: That was yesterday!

Jessica: The truth is that you can be married to someone and think you know them intimately. And then... Well, it's hard to know yourself, let alone another person.

Captain Daniels: If she's insane, then I am too.

Jessica: That's precisely what the Bordens said about their daughter Lizzie.

Paint Me a Murder [1.14]

Willard Kaufmann: First rule of eavesdropping: Never complain if you don't like what you hear.

Margo Santana: [after Jessica exposes the murderer] He was your friend. He loved you.

Sir John Landry: But I loved him too, Margo. But you see, Willard was not the only one who was broke. The art business is very volatile. Subject to the whims of a tasteless public. I was in grave danger of losing everything. Everything. You do see my problem, don't you?

Tough Guys Don't Die [1.15]

Harry McGraw: It took a lot of guts to face me down in here, not knowing who I was.

Jessica: Didn't take any guts at all, Mr. McGraw. While I was out, I phoned the Sheriff.

Harry: Look, Mrs. Fletcher, why don't you take some advice? Why don't you devote that boundless energy of yours to needlepoint or bridge club?

Jessica: I tried that and that's precisely the reason I wrote my first book. I was bored out of my mind.

Harry: Well, I read your first book and I was bored out of my mind.

Jessica: It's your privilege.

Det. Lt. Starkey: Archie Miles was like a father to us. We didn't just like the guy. We loved him, all of us. So believe me, we want to see his killer go down. Permanently. And that's why we're all gonna stay out of Harry McGraw's way.

Jessica: So Mr. McGraw can try, sentence and execute him?

Det. Starkey: Naturally, we'd prefer he turn him over to us first.

Jessica: And if he doesn't?

Det. Starkey: Then at least, we won't have to worry about the possibility of some slick lawyer getting the dirt bag off on a technicality.

Harry: You are trouble.

Jessica: Thank you.

Jessica: Mr. McGraw, may I make a suggestion?

Harry: Why should you stop now?

Gavin Daniels: I'm gonna tell you a secret, Jessica. I'm still in love with the woman, always will be. That's why we've enjoyed such a marvelous divorce.

Det. Starkey: Harry, don't do something stupid.

Harry: Is that official or just a piece of friendly advice?

Det. Starkey: Both.

Harry: You know me, Starkey. I never shot a rattlesnake that didn't bite me first.

Harry: [Confronting the killer] You better pray you get convicted 'cause that's the only way you're gonna see your next birthday.

Harry: Life's a circus, do you understand? Now some people, they just see the tents and they drive by. Other people are in there walking on the high-wire. That's me. All I'm saying is don't sit back and watch. Jump in.

Jessica: Harry, I do believe you are offering me a job!

Harry: McGraw & Fletcher. Your brains, my knuckles.

Sudden Death [1.16]

Phil Kreuger: This is Web McCord, my associate. He's the one that collects Leopards.

Jessica: Not the wild variety, I hope.

Web McCord: No, but some of these animals belong in cages.

Brad Lockwood: Phil died intestate.

Mavis Kreuger: How awful! I never knew that about Phil.

Brad: Mavis, that means he didn't leave a will.

Coach Pat Patillo: Mrs. Fletcher, I think you just put my defensive captain on the injured reserve.

Jessica: Does that mean he's not dead?

Coach Patillo: Not quite.

Web: Mrs. Fletcher is something of an amateur detective.

Jessica: No, I'm just trying to help a friend.

Grover Dillon: Be careful, Mrs. Fletcher. People who get hurt by football aren't always on the field.

Jessica: I think someone was just trying to scare me off.

Grover: Looks like you don't scare easily.

Jessica: I scare all right, but at least it proves I'm on the right track.

Tank Mason: I've been watching you and you've got pretty good wind for an old broad... I'm sorry. I bet you're very well-preserved... No, what I mean is-

Jessica: [Laughs] I know what you mean, Tank. And thanks for the compliment.

Footnote to Murder [1.17]

Tiffany Harrow: You know, it's too bad you're not up for an award this year, Mr. Post.

Hemsley Post: Well, even the mighty oak must let a little sunshine on the rising saplings.

Frank Lapinski: I've read a couple of your books. Lightweight but kind of fun.

Jessica: Thank you very much. I never planned to be Dostoevsky.

Murder Takes the Bus [1.18]

Miriam Radford: We have had to replace copies of your books a dozen times over the last couple of years. People check them out and absolutely will not return them.

Jessica: Well, I'm very flattered. I think.

Ben Gibbons: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] I didn't start out to kill him. I really didn't. I just wanted him to know how much hurt he had caused. Everybody had got off the bus except Stoner and the young guy. I was working around the engine, just stalling, waiting for Stoner to be alone. He was mean, cold-mean. He said he didn't give a damn about some dumb kid that just happened to get in the way. He had done his time, and there was nothing anybody could do. "Dumb kid." The sweetest little girl you ever saw in your life. Well, all of a sudden, I just went crazy. I couldn't think about anything but killing him. When I got off the bus, I was shaking so hard, I thought I was going to pass out. I realized what I'd done. I had killed a man. I was no better than he had been. Just then, I saw the captain come out of the diner and get on the bus. I thought I was a goner. But when I looked in the window, the captain was going through Stoner's pockets. Then he grabbed the suitcase and took off. I just, I just stood there for a few minutes. Trying to figure out what to do. That's when I knew I had to stab him in the neck with the screwdriver.

Sheriff Amos Tupper: But why?

Ben Gibbons: Guess you know the answer to that.

Jessica: You knew the coroner would figure out that Stoner died of strangulation and not a stab wound. By confessing to killing Stoner with a screwdriver, no one would figure you were the original killer. As Mr. Downing said a few moments ago, the police would check backgrounds, prior relationships. Downing thought he'd be a key, perhaps the only suspect. You thought the only way to escape arrest for Mr. Stoner's murder was to confess it.

Armed Response [1.19]

Nurse Marge Horton: Maine can be beautiful this time of year, Mrs. Fletcher.

Jessica: Maine is beautiful any time of the year, Ms. Horton. Though I must confess, I don't miss those 10-foot snowdrifts.

Murder at the Oasis [1.20]

Peggy Shannon: Forget it, Jess. I'm not ready for romance.

Jessica: But it's been years since your divorce from Johnny!

Peggy Shannon: I survived the divorce. I'm not sure I survived the marriage.

Det. Sgt. Barnes: I remember rumors of Johnny having mob connections. But why would they want to have him iced?

Jessica: Suppose he had a falling out with Milo Valentine?

Det. Sgt. Barnes: That wouldn't be a falling out. That'd be a plunge in Lake Michigan with concrete booties on.

Funeral at Fifty-Mile [1.21]

Sam Breen: [after he and his accomplices confess to the murder] We'll go to the sheriff, tell him what happened, stand trial. I don't know what a jury will say. We'll even go to jail if it comes to that. But there's no way on God's green earth Mary will ever know the reason why, not from any of us.

Jessica: Nor from me, Sam. She's been hurt enough already.