Murder, She Wrote (season 1)

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Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about mystery writer and amateur detective Jessica Fletcher.

The Murder of Sherlock Holmes

Kitty Donovan: It's a pleasure, Mrs. Fletcher. Grady's told me so much about you.

Jessica: Isn't that a coincidence? Grady has told me absolutely nothing about you.

Chief Roy Gunderson: Folks don't go around having half their heads blown off for no reason. I'm looking for motive.

Peter: For killing Caleb McCallum? Surely, you jest. Half the country had reason to kill him. The other half didn't know him.

Preston Giles: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] He insisted I meet him by the pool at 11:00. The subject was blackmail. I couldn't go through that, not after all these years. I was in a blind rage. I took a gun and shot him. When I realized how easily I could have been seen ... If anyone had been outside, they could have heard the shot. Many years ago, I was betrayed by three partners in a business venture. An apartment house we built collapsed. Several people were killed. Although I had nothing to do with the construction end, I was made the scapegoat. They got off free, and I was sentenced to 15 years in prison. After two years, I managed to escape. Don't ask the details, but the police assumed I died in the attempt.

Jessica: Like the Count of Monte Cristo.

Preston Giles: As you well know, my favorite fictional character. Well, not everyone was convinced that I was dead. A hotshot detective, third-grade, had a hunch that I was still alive. He became even more positive when, over the next couple of years, like the Count of Monte Cristo, I financially destroyed my three ex-partners from a safe distance. Saturday was the first time I'd seen him in 22 years, and I didn't recognize him. But, obviously, he recognized me. He'd changed his name, as I had, but I knew that if the police ever started poking around his files, sooner or later, they'd come across me.

Jessica: Yes, the files. That's why you dressed Baxendale up in the Sherlock Holmes outfit. To make the police think that the killer had intended to kill Caleb. You had to divert attention away from Baxendale.

Preston Giles: Yes. He was a slimy blackmailer, Jess. He threatened to destroy my life. Morally, it was a case of self-defense.

Jessica: Preston, even if I could bring myself to believe that, there's no way that you can justify the murdering of Caleb McCallum. And you did kill him, for the same reason. To divert suspicion from yourself.

Preston Giles: Caleb wasn't much of a human being either.

Jessica: Oh, but he didn't deserve killing. No one deserves killing. Oh, Preston! I'm so angry! I don't know whether to scream or cry. All the way to the railway station, I was thinking about you. Twice, I nearly turned around and came back. Then when I realized, when I read that newspaper...

Preston Giles: I'm sorry, Jess. I truly am. Another time, a different place, we might have had something.

Deadly Lady [1.1]

Ralph: Yes, ma'am, I've been hoboing for about as long as I can remember but you must understand I am not a bum. I work for what I get. [Picks up a book] Hey, I read this story. Good book. [Sees the author's photo] You wrote this!

Jessica: I did.

Ralph: Mrs. Fletcher, you astound me.

Jessica: Oh, Ralph. You're not astounded at all. As a matter of fact, you're full of clam dip. Now, sit down and eat.

Ralph: Ma'am, you misjudge me.

Jessica: No, sir, you misjudge me. That book is a pre-publication copy. It hasn't even been released yet. Secondly, your clothes may be faded but they are exquisitely tailored. And third, the term is "bo" and not "hoboing". And finally, on your wrist is an imprint where a watch used to be.

Sheriff Amos Tupper: I'm talking about foul play! A hundred million dollars is a whale of a motive!

Captain Ethan Cragg: Amos, you've been reading too many of Jessica's books.

Sheriff Tupper: Well, that's how much you know, Ethan. I haven't read any of them.

Jessica: Mozart?

Ralph: Food for the soul. An empty head is almost as bad as an empty belly.

[When Nancy Earl's ex-fiancée shows up just after her rich father dies]

Jessica: A relative?

Lisa Earl Shelby: No, but he sure would like to be.

Maggie Earl: You're very clever, Mrs. Fletcher.

Jessica: Merely logical.

Birds of a Feather [1.2]

Jessica: Lieutenant Novack, did you notice the small white feather on Mr. Drake's jacket?

Lt. Floyd Novack: Who are you?

Jessica: I'm Jessica Fletcher.

Lt. Novack: Did you see the murder?

Jessica: Well, actually, no. I was sitting out front watching the show.

Lt. Novack: Then, Ms. Fletcher, would you mind doing me a great big favor?

Jessica: I'll do absolutely anything I can to help.

Lt. Novack: Would you please get out of here?

Lt. Novack: You don't seem exactly broken up over Drake's death.

Freddy York: I'll tell you what, I'll split a bouquet with you. Pick whatever kind of flowers you want.

Howard Griffin: [about his former insurance job] Mrs. Fletcher, do you know how hard it is to sit in someone's living room when they'd rather be watching television and tell them how rich they're gonna be after they're dead?

Jessica: We've only had one killer in our family. 1777, I believe, and the Redcoats shot first.

Jessica: Now, look, I've got the name of a very good lawyer. Is there anything else you need?

Howard: How about a pair of pants?

Hooray for Homicide [1.3]

Jerry Lydecker: Nudity is necessary for the story. It reveals Jenny's true character.

Jessica: In my story, Jenny was Jonny, the 10-year-old son of a Presbyterian minister. And he didn't take off his shirt in 200 pages.

Allan Gebhart: In this town, Mrs. Fletcher, we have two kinds of people. Those who are working and those in development. The ones in development spend a lot of time in the unemployment office.

Eve Crystal: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] You know, it's, it's funny. I never wanted to be a movie star. It was all Jerry's idea. I would've done anything for him. Jerry. Scott. I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I, Mrs. Fletcher?

It's a Dog's Life [1.4]

Trish Langley: My little niece here is into electronic music: Tweeters, woofers, heavy metal. Still sounds like cats in heat.

Echo Cramer: And so do you, Aunt Trish.

Tom Cassidy: Abby's told me a lot about you, Mrs. Fletcher. It's an honour to meet a world famous writer.

Jessica: Oh, but an infamous writer, I'm afraid.

Abby Benton Freestone: Around here, some of the real beasts walk on two legs.

Marcus Boswell: Hello again, Echo. I'm sorry we have to meet under such sad circumstances.

Echo: Funny. That's what the undertaker said.

Jessica: Just as I suspected. When under stress, the English always head for the teapot.

Lovers and Other Killers [1.5]

Dr. Edmund Gerard: You're a very famous person these days.

Jessica: Oh, Edmund! Elizabeth Taylor, now that is famous! Me, I still have to take a number at Hoopers Bakery, same as ever.

Jessica: Starving students should not joke about money with successful writers.

Jessica: Oh, Amelia, for heaven's sake! Only a blind person would misread your feelings for Edmund, who it seems is in desperate need of a very good optometrist.

Jack Kowalski: You ask a lot of questions.

Jessica: I'm nosy.

David Tolliver: I was enjoying your writing. Send me a copy of the book when it's finished?

Jessica: I may do better. You may end up being a character.

David: And what would I be? A victim, a suspect, a killer?

Jessica: I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Hit, Run and Homicide [1.6]

Jessica: [About her speech for Founder's Day] Well, how does this sound? "Captain Joshua Wade: A free-spirited adventurer who seized opportunities wherever he could find them."

Lois: Jessica, he was a pirate.

Jessica: Well, I'm trying to state that as delicately as I can.

Daniel O'Brien: A whirlwind courtship. Better nail her down fast.

Katie Simmons: Well, that sure is interesting advice, especially coming from the country's original confirmed bachelor.

Tony Holiday: Ms. Fletcher, anything new on the investigation?

Jessica: Sheriff Tupper is exploring several possibilities.

Daniel: Got out his own Ouija board, huh?

Tonyː [About a psychiatric evaluation for an insanity plea] I know you hate the idea that Uncle Daniel might be unbalanced but what I do know is that neither of us want to see him end up in jail.

Jessicaː No, we don't. Whatever happened to the notion "Innocent until proven guilty"?

Danielː May I offer a toast to the two ladies in my life? To the one who just saved my life and to the other who's been saving it for years, only I was too preoccupied to notice.

We're off to Kill the Wizard [1.7]

Jessicaː A good guest is like Halley's Comet, seen and enjoyed, seldom and briefly. Right after my lecture, I go straight back to Cabot Cove.

Carol Donovanː I'll miss you.

Jessicaː Good. Then you'll invite me back again.

Jessicaː Mr. Baldwin, have you lured me here to offer me some sort of job?

Horatioː Please, Mrs. Fletcher, permit me the seduction before you cry rape.

Horatioː Horatio Baldwin presents J.B. Fletcher's Mansion of Murder and Mayhem! A panoply of blood and gore! Chills and thrills! Screaming Mimis in three octavesǃ The kids will love it!

Jessicaː The kids?

Horatioː Who do you think pays to see this stuff? Don't you go to the movies?

Jessicaː When Cary Grant bowed out, so did I.

Horatio: Violence! That's what pays, Mrs. Fletcher. That's money in the bank.

Jessica: No, that's disgraceful!

Horatio: Come, come, dear lady. Why this moral outrage? I read your books. We're in the same business.

Jessica: No, Mr. Baldwin. I write for people who read. You apparently stage your bloodbaths for tots who have not yet learned to differentiate the difference between your sordid charades and the real world. There's quite a difference.

Horatio: I'm not used to being refused.

Jessica: They do say a new experience broadens the mind.

Phillip: [About Horatio Baldwin] Face it, Mrs. Fletcher. Beneath the Santa Claus smile beat the heart of a sewer rat.

Jessica: Since Mr. Gardner risked bringing me here at the point of a gun, I assume he feels a very strong attachment to you.

Erica Baldwin: For the past two years, Horatio chose a celibate life, Mrs. Fletcher. With Michael's co-operation, I didn't.

Death Takes a Curtain Call [1.8]

Major Anatole Karzof: Major Anatole Karzof, Committee of State Security.

Jessica: KGB.

Major Karzof: Oh well, if you prefer.

Major Karzof: Radicals! So vociferous on camera but quiet as church mice after interrogation.

Major Karzof: You're not being very helpful, Sheriff. I want to find them and now!

Sheriff Tupper: Major, there's no call to raise your voice. I'm doing my best.

Major Karzof: I'm becoming very aware of that.

Skip Fleming: Well, if no one objects, I'll just get the hell out of here.

Jessica: I was about to suggest the same thing, Mr. Fleming. Good night.

Major Karzof: Farewell, my dear Jessica. I look forward to your next novel.

Jessica: I'd like to send you a signed copy if it won't compromise you in the Kremlin.

Major Karzof: Sometimes, a man likes to be compromised, eh?

Death Casts a Spell [1.9]

[About attending a hypnosis session]

Andy Townsend: I managed to scare up a few of the local reporters but having you in the group would give it a real touch of class.

Jessica: Thanks but I'm headed for my bed. I'm going to go to sleep the old-fashioned way.

Jessica: Good morning, Mr. Michaels.

Bud Michaels: Is it? I didn't notice.

Jessica: An unfaithful mate is the oldest motive in the world.

Jessica: That's the puzzle. Those who were inside didn't have motives and those with motives couldn't get inside.

Capital Offense [1.10]

Jessica: Doesn't sound very honest to me.

Joe Blinn: In this city, that is a word for which there is no clear definition.

Det. Lt. Avery Mendelsohn: Maybe you should have been a cop.

Jessica: I am a cop. When I'm at the typewriter.

Kaye Sheppard: Mrs. Fletcher, how delightful you could join me.

Jennifer: I could hardly refuse your urgent invitation, Mrs... or is it Miss Sheppard?

Kaye: Miss. Permanently. Irrevocably.

Jessica: Amazing. You didn't choke and you hardly blinked an eyelash.

Ray Dixon: What?

Jessica: Lying is a very difficult art, Mr. Dixon, but you have mastered it beautifully.

Joe Blinn: I'm no different than anyone else in this town, Mrs. Fletcher. You buy and you sell people, legislation and influence. There's a price tag on everything and everyone. And I was doing real well too until Martha got just a little too big for her pantyhose.

Jessica: And did you think you were the only one to play the game of buy and sell?

Broadway Malady [1.11]

Rita Bristol: We'll knock their shoes off!

Barry Bristol: Socks.

Rita: Those too!

Rita: [About Jessica Fletcher] This lady happens to write the most delicious mysteries this side of Conan Doyle.

Rita: Funny thing about having your name in lights. When the power fails, you learn a lot about yourself and your "friends".

Murder to a Jazz Beat [1.12]

Lafayette Duquesne: I always say that whatever time a man's got spending it with good food, good friends, good music and good conversation, man can't die no ways but happy.

Jonathan Hawley: In New Orleans! It's a Cajun paradise! The cradle of jazz, oozing the warmth of provincial France, boasting the most succulent culinary delights this side of Paris, tastes and smells worthy of kings and their consorts!

Jonathan: Cops. That's the one thing about New Orleans that's no different from the rest of the country.

Jessica: I see. You're a patron of the arts.

Dr. Aaron Kramer: No, that's someone with class. I'm just a talent broker with a tin ear.

Jonathan: You'd have thrived very nicely in the old West, Detective Kershaw. You have a fine talent for hip-shooting.

My Johnny Lies Over the Ocean [1.13]

Carla Raymond: I'll feel much better after I get my hair done!

Phoebe Carroll: You had your hair done!

Carla: That was yesterday!

Jessica: The truth is that you can be married to someone and think you know them intimately. And then... Well, it's hard to know yourself, let alone another person.

Captain Daniels: If she's insane, then I am too.

Jessica: That's precisely what the Bordens said about their daughter Lizzie.

Phoebe: All right, Ms. Pig Out. Don't ask to borrow my bathing suit. No way!

Carla: [scarfing down cake] Listen, Phoebe! Stuff it, will ya?

Phoebe: That's cute. I like that. Look who's talking?

Carla: I happen to be the victim of a very tragic love affair.

Phoebe: You talking about the king of the cowboys? He was a jerk, Carla!

Carla: He was cute! And he was single.

Phoebe: There's a very good reason for that.

Paint Me a Murder [1.14]

Willard Kaufmann: First rule of eavesdropping: Never complain if you don't like what you hear.

Margo Santana: [Indicating Willard and Belle] I don't suppose you'd like to play peacemaker. There's a minor war breaking out over there.

Insp. Henry Kyle: Yes, Diego's taste in old friends is so egomaniacal it's a wonder any of them speak the same language. I'll see what I can do but charming snakes has always been one of my minor talents.

Henry: [Deadpan] J.B. Fletcher. I can hardly wait.

Diego Santana: Oh, you know her?

Henry: Only by reputation.

Diego: You'll have a treat in store, Henry.

Henry: I find most women author to be cold fish, particularly the mystery writers. All this nonsense about bodies buried in rose gardens.

Belle: I looked over at Margo and I thought the way she was looking at Diego was the same way I used to look at him. I'm sorry, Elaine. I've been trying very hard for the last three days but I guess I'm not sophisticated enough to play the charade, that's all.

Sir John Landry: The art business is very volatile, subject to the whims of a tasteless public.

Tough Guys Don't Die [1.15]

Harry McGraw: It took a lot of guts to face me down in here, not knowing who I was.

Jessica: Didn't take any guts at all, Mr. McGraw. While I was out, I phoned the Sheriff.

Harry: Look, Mrs. Fletcher, why don't you take some advice? Why don't you devote that boundless energy of yours to needlepoint or bridge club?

Jessica: I tried that and that's precisely the reason I wrote my first book. I was bored out of my mind.

Harry: Well, I read your first book and I was bored out of my mind.

Jessica: It's your privilege.

Det. Lt. Starkey: Archie Miles was like a father to us. We didn't just like the guy. We loved him, all of us. So believe me, we want to see his killer go down. Permanently. And that's why we're all gonna stay out of Harry McGraw's way.

Jessica: So Mr. McGraw can try, sentence and execute him?

Det. Starkey: Naturally, we'd prefer he turn him over to us first.

Jessica: And if he doesn't?

Det. Starkey: Then at least, we won't have to worry about the possibility of some slick lawyer getting the dirt bag off on a technicality.

Harry: You are trouble.

Jessica: Thank you.

Jessica: Mr. McGraw, may I make a suggestion?

Harry: Why should you stop now?

Gavin Daniels: I'm gonna tell you a secret, Jessica. I'm still in love with the woman, always will be. That's why we've enjoyed such a marvelous divorce.

Det. Starkey: Harry, don't do something stupid.

Harry: Is that official or just a piece of friendly advice?

Det. Starkey: Both.

Harry: You know me, Starkey. I never shot a rattlesnake that didn't bite me first.

Harry: [Confronting the killer] You better pray you get convicted 'cause that's the only way you're gonna see your next birthday.

Harry: Life's a circus, do you understand? Now some people, they just see the tents and they drive by. Other people are in there walking on the high-wire. That's me. All I'm saying is don't sit back and watch. Jump in.

Jessica: Harry, I do believe you are offering me a job!

Harry: McGraw & Fletcher. Your brains, my knuckles.

Sudden Death [1.16]

Phil Kreuger: This is Web McCord, my associate. He's the one that collects Leopards.

Jessica: Not the wild variety, I hope.

Web McCord: No, but some of these animals belong in cages.

Brad Lockwood: Phil died intestate.

Mavis Kreuger: How awful! I never knew that about Phil.

Brad: Mavis, that means he didn't leave a will.

Coach Pat Patillo: Mrs. Fletcher, I think you just put my defensive captain on the injured reserve.

Jessica: Does that mean he's not dead?

Coach Patillo: Not quite.

Web: Mrs. Fletcher is something of an amateur detective.

Jessica: No, I'm just trying to help a friend.

Grover Dillon: Be careful, Mrs. Fletcher. People who get hurt by football aren't always on the field.

Jessica: I think someone was just trying to scare me off.

Grover: Looks like you don't scare easily.

Jessica: I scare all right, but at least it proves I'm on the right track.

Tank Mason: I've been watching you and you've got pretty good wind for an old broad... I'm sorry. I bet you're very well-preserved... No, what I mean is-

Jessica: [Laughs] I know what you mean, Tank. And thanks for the compliment.

Footnote to Murder [1.17]

Jessica: Are we going to that reception?

Horace Lynchfield: With free drinks, that is a rhetorical question.

Tiffany Harrow: You know, it's too bad you're not up for an award this year, Mr. Post.

Hemsley Post: Well, even the mighty oak must let a little sunshine on the rising saplings.

Hemsley: Why don't you come back after the party? Have a drink?

Alexis Post: Thank you. I'd rather remember things the way they were.

Lucinda Lark: Isn't it exciting? Everyone's reading "Woman Unleashed"!

Adrian Winslow: Well, that sort of thing has always sold well over and under the counter.

Tiffany: I'm not a writer. By and large, writers starve. The power of money is in publishing.

Frank Lapinski: I've read a couple of your books. Lightweight, but kind of fun.

Jessica: Thank you very much. I never planned to be Dostoevsky.

Adrian: I suppose you're going to steal Hemsley's murder for a book?

Jessica: Well, good plots are hard to come by. But of course, this one doesn't have an ending.

Jessica: At the risk of sounding like a nag horse, you're gonna have to do something about your drinking.

Horace: Are you saying to cut back? That's like depriving a race car of its gasoline.

Murder Takes the Bus [1.18]

Miriam Radford: I think you're a wonderful writer. In fact, you're in my top ten most stolen list.

Jessica: Your what?

Miriam: Most stolen. I'm a librarian. We have had to replace copies of your books a dozen times over the last couple of years. People check them out and absolutely will not return them.

Miriam: As you can see, my husband's mind is cluttered with all sorts of interesting trivia.

Prof. Kent Radford: Better a little cluttered than a empty attic.

Sheriff Tupper: After his speech, they had a drawing for the big TV set. I knew we should have been there.

Jessica: Oh, Amos, I'm so sorry. But as nice as that TV set might have been, I'm sure you can live without it.

Sheriff Tupper: But it wasn't my name they drew, Ms. Fletcher. It was yours.

Armed Response [1.19]

Milton Porter: Gross negligence, open-handed! We're looking at $50,000 here minimum

Jessica: Oh, that's ridiculous!

Milton: You're right. We'll make it $100,000!

Dr. Samuel Garver: Ms. Wells, I'm very familiar with Mr. Ogden's complaints. Now, there's nothing wrong with that man.

Nurse Jennie Wells: No, sir. Nothing that would show up on a chart.

Dr. Sam: How nice that we agree. Bye now.

Jessica: (Your cast) looks very uncomfortable. How did you do it?

Sadie Winthrope: Got mine trying to take a shortcut on the Texas two-step.

Nurse Marge Horton: Maine can be beautiful this time of year, Mrs. Fletcher.

Jessica: Maine is beautiful any time of the year, Ms. Horton. Though I must confess I don't miss those 10 foot snowdrifts.

Lt. Ray Jenkins: I just got transferred here from a real rough neighborhood. Now to me, a murder is when a guy in a bar kills another guy in a bar.

Jessica: Of course it's the murder weapon! Whoever heard of framing anyone with the wrong gun?!

Milton: Mrs. Fletcher, is that all you've got to say to me after all we've been through?

Jessica: There is one other thing. See you in court.

Murder at the Oasis [1.20]

Peggy Shannon: Forget it, Jess. I'm not ready for romance.

Jessica: But it's been years since your divorce from Johnny!

Peggy: I survived the divorce. I'm not sure I survived the marriage.

Peggy: Mickey, what do you know about last night?

Mickey Shannon: We both know. Johnny Shannon wasn't loved by his loved ones.

Buster Bailey: [About Mickey] He hates guns. When all the kids were playing Cops and Robbers, he was playing Agents and Accountants.

Peggy: Once, he even took a girl away from Buster Bailey.

Jessica: Buster must have resented that.

Peggy: It broke his heart. Until he made a joke about it.

Det. Sgt. Barnes: I remember rumors of Johnny having mob connections. But why would they want to have him iced?

Jessica: Suppose he had a falling out with Milo Valentine?

Det. Barnes: That wouldn't be a falling out. That'd be a plunge in Lake Michigan with concrete booties on.

Terry Shannon: [Seeing a video recording of her father flirting with a showgirl] That guy on the screen is some stranger. My daddy is the man is this picture with Mickey and me.

Buster: You don't think I would stoop to listening in at keyholes? [Jessica gives him a look] Okay, okay, so I happened to drop a cigar and my ear chanced to rub the door as I went to pick the cigar up.

Murderer: [Surrendering the murder weapon] You really do take the prize.

Jessica: This means a great deal to me.

Murderer: As a trophy of your victory?

Jessica: No, as the only real evidence I have that you killed Johnny Shannon.

Funeral at Fifty-Mile [1.21]

Sally Mestin: What's on your alleged mind, honey?

Mary Carver: You are, ma'am! You are on my mind, you are in my hair and you're on my nerves!