Murder, She Wrote (season 3)

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Murder, She Wrote (1984–1996) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about mystery writer and amateur detective Jessica Fletcher.

Death Stalks the Big Top [3.1 & 3.2]

Constance Fletcher: [About Carol's wedding dress] I'll reserve my judgment until the final fitting on Thursday.

Alex Cord: But, Mrs. Fletcher, this is the final fitting.

Constance: Thursday, 10 o' clock.

Carol Bannister: Grandmother?

Constance: Carol, this gentleman was your choice. Now let me salvage what I can.

Jessica: My goodness, you look wonderful!

Howard Bannister: [Laughs] I look dreadful but, uh, thanks for the insincerity.

Maylene Sutter: Nobody can fault your taste, tomcat. I can't say the same for the way you sniff around back alleys.

Hank Sutter: Get off my back, Maylene.

Maylene: Let me know if you're coming home tonight. I'd hate to shoot you coming through the door.

Daniella Morgana Carmody: Listen to me, Sutter! You caught me when I was hurting. Okay, I'm not proud of myself, but it's over.

Hank: Mrs. Carmody, there's over and then there's over.

Mayor Powers: Should've known better than to let myself be talked into permittin' these lowlife grifters near my town.

Sheriff Lynn Childs: Well, now, folks have been gettin' a lot of pleasure out of the circus.

Mayor Powers: The Good Book's got its say on the subject of pleasure.

Mayor Powers: If you've got no connection with these fly-by-nights, just what were you doin' here?

Jessica: I thought someone I once knew was with the circus.

Mayor Powers: And?

Jessica: Well, everyone I talked to assured me that he wasn't.

Mayor Powers: And just maybe he was the dead foreman. Why were you lookin'for him?

Jessica: Well, I wasn't looking for him.

Mayor Powers: And how do I know that?

Jessica: Because I just told you.

Mayor Powers: And there'll be a lot more you'll be tellin' me before this investigation's over.

Mayor Powers: You stay out of police business!

Jessica: You could benefit from the same advice, Mr. Mayor.

Mayor Powers: Lady, you're on thin ice!

Jessica: If you think I'm gonna stand by while you railroad a perfectly innocent man for a crime that he did not commit, you are very sadly mistaken!

Katie McCallum: My husband was killed in a high-wire fall last year, and Charlie's just trying to be the man of the family.

Jessica: Oh, my. That is such a big job at his age.

Preston Bartholomew: [About Hank Sutter] A green kid with cotton for brains and a disposition like cactus juice. The years didn't improve either one.

Sheriff Childs: You heard Mayor Powers. The case is closed. He'd have my head if I kept snoopin' around.

Jessica: Fortunately, Sheriff, I am under no such threat of decapitation.

Jessica: I'm sorry, but you have about as much right to conduct a police investigation as Jack the Ripper.

Mayor Powers: Sheriff, you lock up this Yankee busybody right now.

Sheriff Childs: Mayor, I can't just-

Jessica: On what charge?

Mayor Powers: Obstruction of justice! Impeding a police investigation! Flagrant disrespect of the office of mayor!

Jessica: It's not the office that's earning my contempt.

Edgar Carmody: Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?

Raymond Carmody: Being sold off like a piece of equipment is what's wrong!

Unfinished Business [3.3]

Lt. Barney Kale: [after Jessica accuses him of committing the murders] Lowell Dixon was a sanctimonious do-gooder. He caught me doing a few favors for the wrong people. I'd been operating like that for years. Nothing serious, you know. Just a little you-do-for-me, I-do-for-you. It got results, but it violated his Puritan sensibilities. He was gonna bring me up on charges. I would have been dismissed. And ten years ago, Mrs. Fletcher, I was not ready to be dismissed. Dixon was a very religious man. Always talking about getting to heaven. And I ... I just simply helped him on his way.

One White Rose for Death [3.4]

Michael Hagarty: Who do you think it is, woman?

Jessica: Michael! Or is it Dennis?

Michael: Dennis this week. And I'll thank you to remember it. I'm not yet ready to be interred in the family plot.

Jessica: Then it's a good thing that you opened your mouth in that restaurant before I put my foot in it.

Michael: Yes, I could see you were about to make a terrible fool out of one of us. Oh, Jessica, you're as lovely as ever.

Jessica: And you're as devious as ever.

Michael: Tomorrow evening then, we'll rekindle the embers over dinner at a lovely restaurant I found in Alexandria. After which, I trust, we will both be on our worst behavior.

Andrew Wyckham: The girl was wonderful. Simply marvelous.

Jessica: Oh, Andrew, there's nothing simple about what she does with a violin.

Michael: That's why Jack Kendall and I liberated Franz and his sister just before the interval at the concert hall.

Jessica: Liberated? At gunpoint? With shots fired?

Michael: [Chuckles] Lucky for us that the "1812 Overture" was playing. Nobody heard them.

Michael: In our trade, Jessica, you don't wear a badge that says "Spy". Anonymity is what saves your skin, being able to pass yourself off as a tradesman or... whatever.

Franz Mueller: Greta, listen to me. They will give us both political asylum, I am sure-

Greta Mueller: No!

Franz: ...and soon we will be able to arrange for Mama and Papa.

Greta: Nein! Don't you understand? I don't want asylum! I am not political! I am a musician!

Jessica: Michael, you are going to help her, aren't you?

Michael: A sweet young thing like that, Jessica? We're already working on it.

Corned Beef and Carnage [3.5]

Jessica: Apparently half the advertising deals on Madison Avenue are cooked up at the tables over lunch.

Howard Griffin: Yeah, three martinis, a salad, and your name in Advertising Age for dessert.

Victoria Griffin: Mr. Kinkaid, you may own this agency, but you don't own me. You're the one who accepts all the fancy awards, but it's people like me and Aubrey and Phil Conklin, God rest his soul, who have always ground it out for you!

Aubrey Thornton: [after Jessia exposes him as the murderer] You think you've got it all planned, every little detail, and then you get suckered by one little mistake. He cheated me. He humiliated me. I sat in my office for months, trying to figure out how to get him. And it seemed like a perfect plan. He did not even look up. That arrogant, pompous phony. I wanted him to know that it was me. And, you know, killing him with the award, that wasn't improvisation. That was part of the plan. Nice touch, don't you think?

Dead Man's Gold [3.6]

David Everett: [after Jessica invites him to stay in her guest room] The neighbors are liable to start talking.

Jessica: Do you really think so? Good. They think I lead a very dull life, chained to my typewriter.

Bill Ainsley: [after Jessica exposes the murderer] Come on, this is crazy. Tell her!

Susan Ainsley: Tell her what? Bill, I'm sorry. She did call me. Crazy Alex. Drunk, scared and angry. Me, who she was always putting down. Well, I had no trouble finding her. And I was ready for her. And she was glad to see me. I couldn't just run her down. Suppose she lived through that? I had to be sure.

Jessica: It wasn't enough to kill Alex. You tried to fix the blame on Coby. You knew if he was found guilty of killing Alex, he couldn't share in the treasure.

Susan Ainsley: You think that was it? You think the money was it? Well, let me tell you something. I was sick and tired of being the outsider. Bill was a diver. So they would accept Bill, no problem. But Alex kept harping on how the only thing I paid attention to was my looks. Well, my looks are the only thing that I have. I was never smart enough for them. And they kept throwing it back in my face.

Bill Ainsley: Honey, that's just not true.

Susan Ainsley: It is true, Bill. You just never paid any attention to it. To them, I was your airhead wife. Anyway, I went back to Hill House, and I located Coby's rental car. And then I made sure I was alone. And I took off my jacket, and I wrapped it around the tire iron to muffle the sound. And then I smashed the grill and the headlight. And then very carefully picked up every piece of glass, and I took it back with me to that dark, deserted road. Bill, Bill, I didn't do it for me. I did it for us, baby. It was all right there for the taking, everything we ever wanted.

Jessica: Seems you're always sailing away.

David Everett: I never said I was smart.

Deadline for Murder [3.7]

Billy Simms: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] Okay, okay, okay. Oh, God, I did it. About three weeks ago, I tried to work up the courage to tell him who Kay really was. I kept putting it off because I was afraid. Well, I finally screwed up my guts to tell him and he told me, warned me never ever to mention it again to anyone. I watched her grow up, Mrs. Fletcher. I saw her turn into a fine young woman. She's bright and talented and independent. I figured she deserved his recognition.

Jessica: Then Kay doesn't know?

Billy Simms: Her mother, Olivia, she was the only one who could ever stand up to Bennett. He offered to marry her. She turned him down. Must have transferred his hatred for her onto Kay. He told me to fire her, discredit her. Mrs. Fletcher, I sold out my whole life to that man. But, well, you get to a point where you just can't take that final step.

Magnum on Ice [3.8]

Jessica: Captain, I wouldn't dream of asking you to bend your personal policy for me. But a friend of mine in Washington asked me to call the governor while I was here. Just a friendly chat. And I intend to compliment the governor on the personal attention that you give to police department policy. The name is Browning, isn't it?

Joan Fulton: [after confessing to the murders] If I hadn't gotten Houston, he would have sent someone else. Call it self-preservation. It's one of those economic principles they don't teach you at business school.

Obituary for a Dead Anchor [3.9]

Kevin Keats: Don't you worry about your Cabot Cove gig. I have no intention of drowning in the backwaters of Maine.

Doug Helman: Check your contracts. You have a choice. Either take the assignment or go off salary.

Kevin Keats: On the other hand, I've always loved the smell of sea air. I hope the tide's in.

Nick Brody: [after Jessica accuses him of committing the murder] Helman told me I was through. He said he was sorry, but if he didn't give in to the network on the small things, he wouldn't get anywhere on the big ones. You can guess how that made me feel. The phone rang as I was starting out, and he turned his back to me.

Jessica: So you stayed to listen.

Nick Brody: I knew he was talking to Kevin. And I was trying to think of something that would win Kevin over to my side. Then I became aware of what they were getting at, what they were setting up. That's when I got the idea. It just flashed in my head, very clear and very terrifying because I knew I'd do it.

Jessica: How did you get to Cabot Cove?

Nick Brody: I drove all night. It's not that far. Only 350 miles. Oh, about the bomb? Well, you don't get to be a 63-year-old reporter without learning something.

Jessica: But what did killing Mr. Helman solve for you? He was only following the network's orders.

Nick Brody: Without Helman, I had a better than even chance of staying with the show. I had more experience than any of them. To hell with the audience research. So I wasn't young, vicious or even pretty, but I was the one who could talk sense to them. I'm a newsman. I'm not a performer. I tried to tell Doug that. But whatever he started out believing, in the end, he bought the idea that the wrapping paper, the wrapping paper, was more important than the package. If you don't mind, I'd like to finish this rewrite while we're waiting for the sheriff. Just dial nine for an outside line.

Stage Struck [3.10]

Chief Merton P. Drock: What's my motivation in this scene?

Alexander Preston: You're a butler. Your motivation is to buttle.

Night of the Headless Horseman [3.11]

Jessica: My goodness, look at you. You've lost a lot of weight.

Dorian Beecher: Cafeteria food. Thousands for bridles and bits but not one penny for a decent steak.

Penn "Doc" Walker: [after Jessica exposes him as the murderer] I hadn't planned to kill him. I didn't think I had the guts. I'd just gotten back to my place when Nate showed up with that broken tooth. He was in a lot of pain, cussin' out Dorian. And just like you figured, Mrs. Fletcher, by then, I knew he was the one. But I just kept workin' on that tooth, tryin' to figure out somethin' to do. And then he saw Gretchen's picture, and he started talkin' about her. He was drunk out of his mind. Just the way he'd been that night when he drove her car into the river and then swam off to save his own skin without tryin' to help her. Oh, yes, he told me all about it. I got dizzy. My head was poundin'. Suddenly, I just took a pick and jabbed it into his neck. Didn't take long to die. His horse had been left out back, and I knew that I had to make it seem that he'd ridden out of town, that the killing took place out in the country. So I, uh, stripped off his outfit, and I put it on. Then I rode out of town makin' a big ruckus, so's folks would notice. Then, out on the road near the school, I nearly ran down Dorian. Poor guy. Scared the heart out of him. And then it came to me. Dorian threatenin' Nate, the Headless Horseman, it all seemed so perfect. Dorian was lyin' there out cold. So I, uh, let the horse go, and I rushed back to town. Nate's body was stuffed into the trunk of my car. I drove back out and redressed Nate in the outfit.

Sheriff Sam Rankin: I guess that explains how the boots got on the wrong feet.

Penn "Doc" Walker: Then I took the saber, and ... You know the rest of it.

Jessica: I'm sorry, Doc.

Penn "Doc" Walker: Doesn't matter. Gretchen was the best thing that ever happened to me. Ever since she died, I've just been going through the motions.

The Corpse Flew First Class [3.12]

Blanton: We're delighted you're flying with us, Miss Greer. If I may be of any service...

Sonny Greer: Be sure the food's hot and the drinks are cold. We'll get along famously.

Otto Hardwick: Charles Lindbergh had less hassle soloing across the Atlantic than I've been subjected to.

Errol Pogson: Then next time, why don't you do what he did? Fly alone.

Sonny Greer: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] You're right, Mrs. Fletcher. So very right. Leon was my lover. Only I found out I didn't have him exclusively. He climbed into my bed to climb out of his chauffeur's seat and onto bigger and better things for himself. He had an eye on a vice presidency in one of my late father's firms, and he was bedding the wife of a board member to get it. Only yesterday I learned he was secretly planning to meet that woman in London and give me the gate. Well, nobody tosses me aside. He was a nobody.

Crossed Up [3.13]

Jessica: Do you ever get the feeling that you've overlooked something obvious? That you've done something wrong?

Dr. Seth Hazlitt: Yeah. Every time I vote for Amos.

Murder in a Minor Key [3.14]

Jessica: Oh, it feels so good to sit down. You know, I was on my feet half the day down at the power company. Running from one office to the other, trying to get my last bill sorted out. Did you ever try to argue with a computer? It is impossible. It's like trying to talk sense to Amos Tupper once he's made up his mind about something.

Danny Young: Where's Chad?

Jenny: Home studying. He's having trouble with his torts.

Danny: You know, I hear they can cure that these days.

Christine Stoneham: Are you married, Mr. Singer?

Chad Singer: No, I'm not, but I hope to be as soon as I pass the bar.

Christine: It's not a step to be taken lightly. These days, people don't seem to care very much about commitment.

Max Hellinger: You think I killed him? What for? I needed his music.

Chad Singer: Maybe he was holdin' out on you. Maybe he was hittin' you up for more money.

Max: Maybe. Maybe you need something stronger to drink than that beer you're nursing.

The Bottom Line is Murder [3.15]

Dr. Jayne Honig: We're muddling through, Jess. But I can sum up the problem in two words: Kenneth Chambers. Steve produces his program.

Jessica: Chambers? Oh, yes, I remember, you wrote me about him. A compulsive egomaniac suffering from delusions of grandeur?

Dr. Jayne Honig: That was last month. These days, he's even worse. I think Steve would like to quit his job, but then there'd be two of us out of work.

Lt. Lou Flannigan: Ma'am, you're just an observer here.

Jessica: Yes, and what I've observed is a complete lack of common sense!

Death Takes a Dive [3.16]

Harry McGraw: A few months ago, I take a job from this guy, Benny Falcone, to chase down his daughter, who's run off with some saxophone player. He gives me 5,000, and off I go. Only a week later, the daughter and the sax player show up on his doorstep and move in with him. Now, not only is Falcone steamed at his kid, but he's not too thrilled with me. And he wants his five thou back. Which I can't give him because I no longer have it.

Jessica: But he can't do that.

Harry McGraw: So I explained. Except he suddenly developed a loss of hearing and threatened osteopathic damage to my legs unless I cough up.

Pam Collins: You ever heard of freedom of the press, fella?

Cosmo Ponzini: Oh, yeah. And I also heard of private property, which this is.

Wade Talmadge: You an expert on the manly art of pugilism, darling?

Lois Ames: No, darling, just the manly art.

Simon Says, Color Me Dead [3.17]

Sheriff Amos Tupper: I know that Simon Thane is somethin' of an institution around here. But just because there's a little snow on the roof, don't mean that there's no fire in the hearth, if you get my drift.

Jessica: I get your drift, Amos. I just think your anchor is slipping.

Carol Selby: [after Jessica exposes her as the murderer] He was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. His creative energy, his excitement. I suppose I fell in love with him, and I thought he felt the same thing for me. And then the night of the party, I realized it was Eleanor he loved and always had.

Jessica: And you suddenly developed a headache.

Carol Selby: I had made a fool of myself. And when that painting was made public, everyone would know. I had to destroy that painting. I waited until I thought everyone had left, and then I drove back. And while Irene was cleaning up, I went in through the kitchen. She was still clearing the table. And I found the butcher knife and slipped out to the studio. He was the finest thing that ever touched my life. And I killed him.

No Laughing Murder [3.18]

Mack Howard: Honey, I'm not gonna be able to go to that thing tonight. Sorry, but I got a very important writers' meeting after the taping.

Trudy Howard: The car's downstairs, darling. I found your favorite old tweed jacket. It's going to be perfect for you up in the mountains.

Mack: Honey, I don't think you quite understand. This is a very important week. The ratings are coming out, and I know that you can explain to Kip and Corrie. They'll understand.

Trudy: Oh, of course I will, darling. And by the way, I do happen to have a locksmith standing by. Because if you don't come, don't bother coming back to the apartment.

Jessica: I'm afraid it's a somewhat less festive group than we'd hoped for.

Phil Rinker: There's always the chance that it'll look better through a brandy glass.

Chief Ledbetter: Acting Chief Wylie B. Ledbetter, ma'am.

Jessica: And what do your friends call you?

Chief Ledbetter: Acting Chief Wylie B. Ledbetter, ma'am.

Trudy: So, what we're left with is that one of us is a killer. And lucky us. We all get to spend another night together.

No Accounting for Murder [3.19]

Ralph Whitman: We're very pleased with your progress, both Mr. Carlisle and myself. We feel you've, uh... you've earned this added responsibility.

Grady: Thank you, sir.

Ralph: Forget the sir. It's Ralph.

Grady: Ralph, right. Thank you, Sir Ralph. I mean, just Ralph...sir. Thank you.

Mrs. Ellis: I hear your aunt is coming for a visit. That's nice. You show her a good time. You know, aunts are very neglected these days.

Grady: Not this one.

Mrs. Ellis: Are you sure? Tax troubles I don't need.

Grady: Believe me, government agents won't be banging down your door with a warrant.

Mrs. Ellis: Ha-ha, that's what Nixon thought.

Paul Carlisle: Oh, Mrs. Fletcher, how delightful to meet you at last!

Jessica: Why, thank you.

Paul: I can see where Grady gets his sharp mind from. I've been a fan of your books for 20 years.

Jessica: Oh...? Yes... Well, thank you very much.

Paul: I always say there's nothing like a good, old-fashioned love story to help you forget your cares.

Grady:Well, actually, sir, she, uh-

Jessica: Oh, I quite agree with you, Mr. Carlisle. I mean, where would we be without Barbara Cartland?

Lester Grinshaw: I've been trying to interface with you now for several days.

Ralph: Look, it's nearly 6:30. Can't this wait?

Lester: The Internal Revenue Service does not wait, Whitman. We act quickly and decisively... with compassion and understanding, of course.

Ralph: Of course. You know the way, Mr. Grimshaw.

Lester: Excuse me.

Ralph: [To Jessica and Grady, with a sigh] Well, have a nice dinner. I have a feeling mine's going to be a bowl of cereal at midnight.

Jessica: Grady, the only things that go bump in the night in this city are the taxicabs, believe me.

Jessica: (Grady) told me that he had reported the crime.

Lt. Timothy Hanratty: That he did.

Jessica: So obviously he didn't kill Mr. Whitman.

Lt. Hanratty: Well, it's unlikely.

Jessica: Unlikely?!!

Lt. Hanratty: Now, now, Mrs. Fletcher. Let's not be giving ourselves a bellyache until after we've tasted the stew.

Lester: Bottom line, Fletcher. You've got 48 hours to come up with the figures.

Grady: Figures? What figures?

Lester: [Laughs] Don't play dumb with me, pal. It's been tried by experts, believe me, some of whom are doing three-to-five in Leavenworth.

Grady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Lester: Neptune Ventures. Whitman said you're the engine driving that crummy tax dodge.

Grady: Me?!

Lester: Save the dumb look. All I want is one thing. Facts, figures, names, dates, places, the whole megillah.

Lt. Hanratty: I took the liberty of pullin' a small file we have on your activities, mum. The young lady murdered by that cosmetic executive, your very own publisher sent away because of your ingenuity. I'm surprised the department hasn't given you a gold badge.

Jessica: Well, it's, uh, just a quirk of mind, really. The way I see things, you know.

Connie: Sorry, Mrs. Ellis. Mr. Fletcher's going to be a little late.

Mrs. Ellis: So I'll wait. I've had plenty of practice.

Lt. Hanratty: Look, son, between you and me and these walls, I also am having a bit of trouble believing you're involved. But the commissioner-

Jessica: Oh, Timothy, hang the commissioner. Since when is an Irishman intimidated by a bureaucrat?

Marty: Lady, I got no time!

Jessica': Make time, Mr. Giles, or would you rather do it?

The Cemetery Vote [3.20]

Sheriff Orville Yates: Folks around here know better than to make threats against the sheriff.

Jessica: Where I come from, folks don't have to make threats. The sheriff upholds the law.

David Carroll: After I got off the phone with you, I wasn't sure I had the time correctly. I mean, nobody meets at city hall at this hour.

Jessica: Forgive me. I'm a writer. We work at all hours.

The Days Dwindle Down [3.21]

Jessica: Thank you for taking time to see me on such short notice, Ms. Davis.

Dorothy Hearn Davis: I have a confession to make. Actually, I prefer Missus.

Jessica: So do I.

Sydney Jarvis: [after confirming the true circumstances of the murder and subsequent coverup] You understand, don't you, Sam?

Georgia Wilson: How can he? You've wasted thirty years of his life. Thirty years of an innocent man's life and the lives of his family. You knew what you were doing, and you sent him to prison just as if you were the judge and the jury. How could you expect him to forgive you?

Murder, She Spoke [3.22]

Jessica: Oh, I think that mystery stories should be read in the dark of the night, don't you?

Greg Dalton: You know, it's interesting. It's always the dark of the night to me.

Sally Ann Carmichael: I gotta learn about this business if I'm gonna be a singer.

Stoney Carmichael: Okay, first rule is, take care of your band. Go get these boys some sodas.

Lt. Faraday: I think writing is a real good hobby for a woman. You can cook up some supper. You can chat on the phone. Then pop over to the old typewriter now and then for a few minutes.

Jessica: Yes, when I'm not too busy beating the laundry against the rocks in the river?

Nancy Dalton: Why do you have to be so damn happy? So nice to Randy in front of me? Didn't you ever just wanna bash his face in?

Greg: Stop it! Just stop it! How do you know what I feel? You know what it's like to wake up every morning and open these eyes? Of course, I hate it! And I hate him! But hating isn't gonna get me anywhere.

Margaret Witworth: There's nothing clandestine about coming to see your husband at the office, is there?

Jessica: Oh, of course not. I just can't help but wonder why you felt it was so important to make me believe that you didn't.