Regular Show

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Regular Show is a cartoon series on Cartoon Network. It involves Mordecai (a blue jay) and his friend Rigby (a raccoon) in their insane and exciting adventures, all during their job at the local park. Joining them are Muscle Man (a short, green, overweight man), Hi Five Ghost (a ghost with a hand extending out from his head), Benson (an anthropomorphic gumball machine), Pops Maellard (a lollipop man), Skips (a yeti), Thomas (a goat), Margaret (a robin), Eileen (a beaver), Starla (an overweight, green-breasted woman), CJ (a cloud woman), Gary (the messenger for the Guardians of Eternal Youth), Mr. Maellard (another lollipop man), Death (a Grim Reaper), Garrett Bobby Ferguson (a floating head), and Garrett Bobby Ferguson Jr. (another floating head who wears a suit).


Season 1[edit]

The Power [1.1a][edit]

Mordecai: I can't believe I listened to you! I knew should've gone out to do some work, but no — let's wrestle this stupid doll, it'll be fun.
Rigby: But it was fun.
Mordecai: Well, yeah, but... now there's a big hole in the wall! Dude, we're 23-years-old. We shouldn't be bustin' holes in walls, we're gonna get FIRED for this!
Rigby: You mean you're gonna get fired for this.
Mordecai: What?!
Rigby: You're the one who threw me too hard, ya hole!
Mordecai: Don't call me a hole! You're the hole! You're the one who wanted to wrestle!
Rigby: Okay, okay! Let's not blame anyone. Now, how in the H are we gonna fix this S?
Mordecai: I dunno, man. Ugh, we can't fix it and we definitely can't pay for it, cos we don't have any money. Unless you had some money.
Rigby: No. Besides, I don't even know how much it cost to fix a hole like this. Probably a ton.
Mordecai: Exactly. Which leaves us with only one possible solution. We convince Benson to give us raises so we can afford to pay someone else to fix it.
Rigby: Dude. [beat] ..You are a genius! Of course, raises!
Mordecai: Okay, dude, here's—
Rigby: Let me stop you there because I already know what you're going to say — hamboning.
Mordecai: What?
Rigby: Yeah, dude! Hamboning! We just go up to Benson and we'll be all like, "We both want raises." [starts hamboning]
Mordecai: No, man! Stop it! We just need to ask him for a raise and just explain all the—
Rigby: No, no, no! That's not gonna work! What're ya, 65?! "Excuse me, sir, can I have a raise?" C'MON!! I'm tellin' ya, dude! Hamboning~!!
Mordecai: No...
Rigby: Hamboning will save your life someday! You'll be all like, "What? You tryin' to mug me?" [starts hamboning again]
Mordecai: No!! We're not doing that, okay?! Okay!?!
Rigby: Fine...

Mordecai and Rigby: Go away, Skips! It's time for you to go away!
Mordecai: It's time for you to go to your room!
Rigby: Yeah, Skips. It's time for you to go to the moon!
Skips: Wahh! [disappears]
Mordecai: [gasps] Where'd he go?
Rigby: Uhh...
Mordecai: Did you just send Skips to the moon?
Rigby: Isn't that what you said?
Mordecai: No, room! I sent him to his room, not the moon, you idiot! Dude, wish him back!
Rigby: But it doesn't work that way!
Mordecai: What do you mean!?
Rigby: I can't see him, can I?
Mordecai: Then we have to go get him!
Rigby: But he's gonna be pissed!
Mordecai: Better than him being dead!

Skips: You guys shouldn't be doing what you just did.
Rigby: What? The flying, or the hole?
Skips: What hole?
Rigby: [mutters to Mordecai] Dude, get to The Power...he knows...

Rigby: Ha ha ha, we did it! YEAH!! [Benson snatches keyboard] Hey, that's mine!
Benson: Nope. You sent him to the moon, so the least you could do is give him your keyboard. Right, Skips?
Skips: Right. [knees The Power]
Mordecai/Rigby: Aww...
Benson: And let's have it.
Rigby: What?
Rigby: Hahh... [both return money to Benson]
Benson: NOW CLEAN UP THIS MESS OR YOU'RE FIRED!!! Ugh, can you believe this?
Skips: No.

Rigby: A bunch of baby ducks...send 'em to the moon! Soda machine that doesn't work...send 'em to the moon!

Just Set Up the Chairs [1.1b][edit]

Mordecai: Dude, how came we're always stuck with the lame jobs? Settin' up the chairs??
Rigby: LAAAAA~ME!!!
Benson: I can't trust you guys with something actually important. You're always slacking off!
Mordecai: You callin' us slackers?
Rigby: Did he!? Did you!?
Mordecai: He's callin' us slackers. Look dude, we can totally set up all those chairs without slacking off.
Benson: Good. Do it then.
Mordecai: We will.
Rigby: Yeah. And then next time you'll get someone ELSE.. to set up the chairs?
[Benson looks at Mordecai, shrugs]
Benson: Fine.
Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time! UUHH!
Benson: ...Just set up the chairs...

Rigby: Benson's gonna drop his balls when he sees how good we set up these chairs! He's gonna be all like, "Oh no, mah gumballs!"

Benson: Let's see, I'm picking up the kids so... Mordecai and Rigby, you set up the chairs.
Mordecai & Rigby: AAAHHHHHHHHH....
Pops: [top window] Ooh, what about me? Surely I'm invited to my own birthday party!
Benson: Um, your birthday was last week, remember? It's a kids' party today.
Pops: I still have balloons!
Benson: We got it covered, Pops!
Pops: Oh... I see.

Rigby: [limply presses against door] It won't open. Let's get outta here!
Mordecai: You try the actual doorknob?
Rigby: [groans] You're KILLING me!

Pops: Oh, who unleashed the Destroyer of Worlds? Good show!

Mordecai: Dude, you kill the Destroyer of Worlds! I'm gonna go get the chairs!

Benson: ...Happy Birthday, Ji-

Benson: YOU!!!
Mordecai: Woah! Hey Benson. Before you freak out, we totally set up those chairs.
[pan left to see cheering kids, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost seated in a moat of fire]
Muscle Man: Wooo!! This birthday party's hot!
Rigby: So we're cool, right?
Benson: YOU IDIOTS!! That's the last time I entrust you with something very important, LIKE THE CHAIRS!!!
Mordecai & Rigby: OOOOHHHHH!!!! Not settin' up the chairs next time! Not settin' up the chairs next time!
Benson: But you ARE going to clean up this mess, and you can start by sweeping up the "special entertainment"!
Mordecai: Yeah, no problem!
Rigby: We got it!
Mordecai: Don't worry about us!
Rigby: ...We're gonna take a break first, right?
Mordecai: Yeah.

Caffeinated Concert Tickets [1.2a][edit]

Rigby: Going to this concert could be the biggest moment of my life.
Mordecai: Wow, sounds like your life stinks.
Rigby: SHUT UP!!!

Rigby: I can't believe you're going to a Fist Pump concert just for some lady-pecs!
Mordecai: Rigby... one day you'll be old enough to understand the real reason that people go to concerts!

Muscle Man: WOOOOO!!! THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES! We got two tickets to Fist Pump! See you later, Grandmas!

Mordecai: You know, at first I thought you were cool, but now I know that you're both total losers.
Rigby: Everybody hates you!
Mordecai: Oh, and I just realized something...
Translator: What?
Mordecai: Your coffee...stinks.
Mordecai and Rigby: OOOOHHHHHHH!!!!

Rigby: [tiredly] Dude, I'm fading fast...
Mordecai: Don't worry, dude. We just gotta fight it with COFFEEEEE!!! [pulls up coffee pot]

Mordecai: Who needs luck when we have COFFEEEE!
Mordecai and Rigby: [tiredly] Ooooohhhh....
Rigby: Dude, seriously, though? My eyes won't stay open anymore, and I think we're almost out of coffee...

Coffee Bean: Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee. [pulls out contract; on it the word "coffee" is written multiple times]
Rigby: Oh, cool! A contract! Let's sign it!

Death Punchies [1.2b][edit]

Rigby: Looks like you've learned the ways of Death Kwon Do.
Mordecai: Looks like you know how to say things that people are already aware of.

Sensei: You're not pure of heart!
Rigby: What?! Don't call me not pure of heart! What about you, with your crappy mullet? You're the one who's not pure of heart!!

Rigby: How come you're not dead yet?
Mordecai: Probably because I learned...the Death Block! [holds up picture of the Death Block] It worked pretty good for a first try. Either that, or your Death Punch totally blows.
Rigby: I'LL KILL YOU!!!

Rigby: Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!
Mordecai: Dude, I'm player one. You're player two.
Rigby: I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel.
Mordecai: Dude, they're exactly the same!
Rigby: Then why don't you be player two?
Mordecai: [scoffs] I'm not usin' that stinky pickaxe.
Rigby: HAH! SEE?!

Mordecai: We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! [imitating a doctor] Quick, doctor. Both of these buttcheeks are unrecognizable! If we want anybody to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, STAT!
Rigby: STOP TALKING!!! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it!
Mordecai: [laughs] That's right! We used to call you the "One-Cheek Wonder!" Dude, I'm bringing it back.
Rigby: You better not!
Muscle Man: Is that One-Cheek Wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies will cheeks like those!

Sensei: [after Rigby steals the Death Punch] NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Death Kwon Do Student: Sensei? Uhm.... I think somebody just Death Kwon Clogged the toilet.

Rigby: Aw, what?! Snails are bad? I thought snails were good!
Mordecai: No, dude. Snails are bad.
Rigby: Aw man, this stinks!...I wanna be player two.

Sensei: Why yes, sir. I have the Death Jump and the Death Dump right her— ...NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Free Cake [1.3a][edit]

Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!

Rigby: There's that chocolate cake at the snack bar!
Mordecai: Yeah...but Benson will only let you have it for free if it's your birthday.
Rigby: Who's to say it's not my birthday?
Mordecai: ...Who's to say it's not MY birthday?
Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
Benson: It's NEITHER of your birthdays.
Rigby: Aw, man! He's killing us with that!
Mordecai and Rigby: No cake....
Pops: {appears from inside the bushes} But it IS Skips' birthday!
Mordecai and Rigby: FREE CAKE! FREE CAKE!!
Benson: But he's really private about it.
Mordecai and Rigby: No cake....
Benson: Come to think of it, I don't think we've EVER had a party for Skips.

Benson: Here's the key to the cake and the snack bar. I guess I'll see you at 8. But if you morons are LYING to me, YOU'LL BE ON DISH DUTY FOR THE NEXT MONTH!!!

Benson: Hit the lights, it's almost 8 pm.
[lights go out; unzipping of clothes is heard]
Muscle Man: WOOOO!! Skips is gonna be so surprised when he comes in and sees us totally naked!
Benson: It's not that kind of party, Muscle Man.
Muscle Man: Oohhhh....don't turn on the lights...

Rigby: Aww, WHAT!? They're not even EATING it — they're just smushing it on their faces!
Guardian: [snap] Begone with you!

Gary: Guardians of Eternal Youth, I have brought to you the condemned.

Wedding Entryman: Do you know the bride, or the groom?
Mordecai and Rigby: Uhhhh...
Mordecai: The one with the cake?
Wedding Entryman: [quickly closes red rope to wedding]
Mordecai and Rigby: UUUUUUHH...

Cashier: Hmm.. Yeah, we don't have cakes.
Mordecai and Rigby: UUUUUUHH...

Rigby: Oh man. Oh man. Oh man, oh man!!! Mordecai! Check it out! [puts plate on table] I found it in the trash out back. Isn't it cool?
Mordecai: Dude. You gotta stop pulling stuff out of the trash. It's unnatural.
Rigby: You're unnatural!

Skips: You guys almost killed me for some cake?!

Mordecai: Don't touch that cake.
Rigby: It's a medical emergency!
Mordecai: You just ate a sandwich!
Rigby: Are you a doctor now? Did you go to medical school in the past five minutes?

Meat Your Maker [1.3b][edit]

Mordecai: [puts arms up]
Rigby: No. No, don't!
Mordecai: It's too late. [begins to move arms together]
Rigby: Come on dude, don't!
Mordecai: It's already in motion.
Rigby: Well, put it out of motion!!
Mordecai: [crosses arms] You pissed me off.

Pops: Oh, it's been a while since I've had a grilled meatling!

Rigby: No! Dude, don't be mad at me! Mordecai, don't die mad at me!

Leader Hot Dog: We don't want to be eaten...we want to eat you!

Mordecai: Just give it up, dude. I knew you couldn't fix it...
Rigby: Dude, I fix stuff all the time!
Mordecai: No, you don't!
Rigby: What do you mean?!
Mordecai: The cart, the shoes, the party, that other party...
Rigby: Stop right there! You know Muscle Man pushed me!
Mordecai: Muscle Man wasn't even there!!
Rigby: Fine, I'll fix it!

Mordecai: Dude, that was awesome.
Rigby: I told you I'd fix it!
Mordecai: I knew you would.

Grilled Cheese Deluxe [1.4a][edit]

Benson: What're you doing with my sandwich?!
Mordecai: What?
Rigby: Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is our sandwich.
Benson: This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says "Benson" on the BAG?
Rigby: Huh? It's supposed to say "Rigby," but they misspelled my name wrong.
Benson: STOP LYING!!
Mordecai: Dude, I thought you said you bought this!

Mordecai: Hey, you know what would go good with these sandwiches? Funny internet videos! [starts typing] Dude, check this out.
Rigby: [takes over typing] No, wait! I know a really good one!
Mordecai: No, man! You're just gonna pull up that ostrich thing with the balls again!

Rigby: Man, I don't think you could last much longer. I think you should give it up.
Mordecai: They're not onto me.
Rigby: Then I guess it's time that I start lying at 100 percent. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT!?!?

Dr. Asinoskovich: I don't remember you!
Mordecai: Really? It was that one-time at that conference! You don't remember me?
Dr. Asinoskovich: Uhh... I don't remember very much from that conference. I uh, have to go...

[Ostrich video]
[ostrich goes up to bat at a tee-ball]
Old Lady: Don't get too close, Carl!
[ostrich hits ball, then kicks the old man in the groin]

Benson: What happened to my sandwich?!
Rigby: [rambling] There were Cheezers...and the two...we went down and...everyone wore sweatpants...even us...and then the room...with the bad stuff...but...we saved the city with your sandwich.
Benson: [groans] Why do you always have to lie to my face?
Mordecai: We ran it over by accident.
Benson: ....See? Was it so hard to tell the truth?

Mordecai: I'm a better liar than you are!
Rigby: Oh, really? The only thing you're better then me at is being a big piece of---OOOF!!

Mordecai: I have to tell you the truth...I have a condition that makes me forget everything in times of extreme stress. But

Lieutenant Rigs doesn't have the condition...he's just an idiot.

Rigby: HEY!!!

Astronaut: If you ever lie about being astronauts again, YOU'RE DEAD!!!
Rigby: WE SAVED THE CITY, ASTRO--- [gets hit in the face with sandwich bag]

The Unicorns Have Got to Go [1.4b][edit]

Rigby: If you buy that cologne, then I'm gonna lose all respect for you!
Mordecai: Good. Then we'll both have the same amount of respect for each other.

Pops: Mordecai, Rigby! Wonderful day we're ha--- [smells air, then smells Mordecai's cologne] [cries and runs away]

Mordecai and Rigby: Hey, Skips...
Rigby: We have a problem.
Skips: Unicorns?
Rigby: How'd you know?
Skips: They peed on my lawn.

Unicorn: We're still gonna help you get your lady.
Mordecai: How?
Unicorn: By partying at your place!
Mordecai: WAIT, WHAT??

Mordecai: Hey, I thought you were gonna help me with Margaret. [puts hand on unicorn's shoulder]
Unicorn: SOMETHING'S TOUCHING ME! [elbows Mordecai]

Unicorn: Oh, we'll tell you what to do...but first you must drink from the Cup of Knowledge... [brings up cup of blue liquid]
Mordecai: [drinks liquid, then immediately spits it out] Aw, SICK! What was that?!
Unicorn: It's definitely not Unicorn Slump!!

Benson: I can't believe you idiots let those unicorns in here. You two morons had better get this mess cleaned up or you'll wish it was YOU DRIVING THAT CAR!!
Rigby: The unicorn one? AGHH! Cold!

Prank Callers [1.5a][edit]

Rigby: [calls Pops]
Pops: Hello?
Rigby: Hello, Pops?
Pops: Yes?
[Rigby and Mordecai laugh softly]
Rigby: Please hold for a collect call from.....Joe Mama!
[Mordecai and Rigby laugh]

Rigby: [calls Skips]
Skips: Hello?
Rigby: Hey Skips, you have a son named.....Joe Mama?
Skips: Excuse me?
[Mordecai and Rigby laugh as Skips hang up]

Mordecai: [calls Benson]
Benson: Hello?
Mordecai: Hey, Benson, got any books by.....Joe Mama!?
Benson: Who is this?
[Mordecai and Rigby laugh loudly]
Benson: [from phone] Wherever this is coming from, I will track you down and I will find you...!
Mordecai: Dude, he's still on the phone!
Rigby: He's STILL on the phone!?
Mordecai: He's STILL ON THE PHONE!!!
[both convulse in fits of laughter]

Benson: HANG UP THAT PHONE!! You think your little pranks are funny? Huh? You think they're funny? What do you guys think of my prank? [imitates phone ring] Ring, ring. [answers phone] Hello? What's that? Mordecai and Rigby are banned from using the house phone? Okay. GRAH!! [Benson had ripped and smashed the phone to Mordecai and Rigby's shock] GOOD LUCK MAKING YOUR PRANK CALLS NOW!!!

Rigby: Time to put an end to this junk-fest!! [calls Master Prank Caller, but is immediately hung up on]
Mordecai: Looks like the junk-fest just got a new member.

Master Prank Caller: The 80s called...they STILL want ya!
[80s clothes appear on Mordecai and Rigby]
Mordecai and Rigby: AAAHHHH!!!
Mordecai: Aw, man! These aren't even the cool clothes from the 80s!!

Rigby: Listen, leave us alone will you??!
Master Prank Caller: "DON'T YOU EVER HANG UP ON ME!!! "

Master Prank Caller: Nice ride, but I like mine better.

Master Prank Caller: I'm going to prank you so hard, you're BOTH going to poop a duke! The 1980s called...they want their cell phones back!

Mordecai's Voice: "Hello?"
Master Prank Caller: 'This is the Master Prank Caller telling you—'
Mordecai's Voice: "Hello?"
Master Prank Caller: 'I said this is the Master Prank—'
Mordecai's Voice: "Hello? I-I'm sorry, I can't hear you."
Mordecai's Voice: "Hello? Hello, are you there?"
Master Prank Caller: RRRGH!!! [WOOSH] I SAID—!!
Mordecai's Voice: "Ha ha! Just kidding. You just got pranked, loser!" [BEEP]
Master Prank Caller: NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Don [1.5b][edit]

Benson: Okay, we only have 'til three to stop the audit. Does anyone know someone who can help us? Anybody? Anybody at all?
Muscle Man: I know someone who could help.
Benson: If you say your Mom, you're fired!
Muscle Man: .... MY MOM!
Benson: GET OUT!
Muscle Man: It was worth it!

Don: Benson, give me some sugar! [hugs Benson] Nice to meet you! [points to Pops] Hey, who's this guy?
Pops: I'm Pops!
Don: Pops, give me some sugar!
Pops: [runs laughing to Don and hugs him]
Don: [hugs Skips] Don. Good to meet you. [to Mordecai] Look at this sugar shack. C'mere, guy! I haven't seen you in forever.
Mordecai: [hugs Don] Yeah, I know! It's been forever!
Don: Rigby, give me some sugar, bro!
Rigby: Don't you have taxies to do? Why don't you get to it?
Don: Oh, ha ha... he was always greedy with the sugar.
Rigby: AUGH..!! I can't wait for you to get out of my life!
Don: What, bro?
Benson: [mouthing] You keep your mouth SHUT!
Rigby: ..Nothing....

Mordecai: Yeah. Don really made that party.
Benson: Call your brother!
Rigby: No!!
Rigby: NO!!! I HATE HIM!!
Benson: Fine. Mordecai, you call him.
Rigby: You better not!
Mordecai: Dude, he could save the park.
Rigby: Dude, he could ruin my life! If he comes, I'm gonna tell him to leave!
Benson: No, you won't! You be nice to your brother, OR YOU'RE FIRED!! Call him.
Mordecai: [to Rigby] Dude, just be cool until he stops the audit.

[Rigby growls]

Benson: Don, wait! ...What happened?
Mordecai: Rigby blew it! He wouldn't give Don 'sugar'!
Rigby: NEVERRRRRR!!!!!

Rigby's Body [1.6a][edit]

Mordecai: [groans] This... sucks.
Rigby: What's that supposed to mean?
Mordecai: It means that the next time we get to pick our job for the day, I get to pick. Why did you pick the snack bar?! This is like the worst job at the park, dude!
Rigby: I think it's the funnest job at the park.
Mordecai: You don't really think that. You just don't want to admit that you're wrong.
Rigby: Why would I admit something that I'm not?
Mordecai: Dude, seriously — this is more boring than watching you try to read a children's book.
Rigby: Is it more boring than your FACE?!
Mordecai: I don't know, is it more boring than my fist in your face?!
Rigby: Is it more boring than my fist in your face, you TURD?!!
Mordecai: You're a turd!
Rigby: No, you're a turd!!
Mordecai: You're the turd!
[Mordecai and Rigby scuffle]
Pops: Mordecai, Rigby! Stop! We can all be turds!
Mordecai & Rigby: No way, Pops.

[at MM's and Fives' shift at the snack bar]
Muscle Man:! Wait.. what is that?
[a bucket on a roller blade squiggles closer and closer, at the door—]
High Five Ghost: What are you~?!
Muscle Man: Looks like a bucket of diarrhea...
Rigby: It's me, Rigby!!
Rigby: No! I didn't steal anything!
Muscle Man: You're not stealin' these voices! C'mon Fives, let's bail!! [run off]
Rigby: Come back!!
Muscle Man: No way, bro!
Rigby: It's me, Rigby!! [falls down] Aw, man!

Skips: Well, it looks like it's not that big of a deal...if he doesn't mind being a bodiless consciousness for the rest of his life.
Rigby: It's cool. I don't mind.

Mordecai: Dude, I'm telling you...if you keep on eating like that, your body's going to quit on you.
Mordecai: Whatever! I'm just trying to help. [walks away]
Rigby: Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. I show him. GLNOM..



Rigby: Now shovel some cheese curls into my trash-hole!

Mordecai: [after Rigby's consciousness enters Rigby's mangled, broken body] do you feel?
Rigby: .....DAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Pops: Are you having a game of tag, turds?
Skips: I really wish you wouldn't teach him those words...

Rigby: [in full body cast on a wheelchair] Well Mordecai, I guess you were right about the snack bar being lame – especially now we're not into eating all the free snacks.
Mordecai: Ohh, about that... Those snacks weren't free.
Rigby: What?
Mordecai: Turns out.. only Pops get snacks for free.
Rigby: POPS..??
Mordecai: Yeah. And I guess we're supposed to work here for the next six months just to pay for it all.
Rigby: Awwoh, TURDS!!

Mordecai and the Rigbys [1.6b][edit]

Record Player: Now, what is the first thing that all good musicians require?
Mordecai: Talent?
Record Player: Yes!...Good personal hygiene is the key to becoming a successful gentleman musician!!

Mordecai: Yes, I wanna be in a band with you! All right, but we gotta have a cool band name. What do think of, "Cool Dudes?"
Rigby: "Face Punch!"
Mordecai: "Rad and Subtract!"
Rigby: "Helicopter Crash!"
Mordecai: What about..."Mustache Cash Stash?"
Rigby: That's it, that's it!!
Mordecai: Order the shirts! Order the shirts!

Mordecai: Wait, wait! I can explain! I can explain!!....We were lip-synching...

Benson: This is gonna be a train-wreck...
Pops: Oooh, I love trains!!!

Rigby: [to Mordecai as Margaret leaves with a guitarist] ....Maybe you should've just kept lip-synching...

Muscle Man: Come on, ladies! Play us a tasty lick!!

Season 2[edit]

Ello Gov'nor [2.1a][edit]

Mordecai: Movie night! I got the popcorn! {holds up a bowl of popcorn}
Rigby: I got the movie!

Mordecai: No, dude...not another horror movie! Last time, I had to walk you to the bathroom every night for a week!

Mordicai: Agh, I knew it, I knew this would this happen. I told you, we should't watch that movie.
Rigby: I know, I'm sorry, I can't help it.
Mordecai: Ah, all right, dude, we're just gonna desensitize you the horror. We're gonna watch Ello Gov'nor over and over again, until you stop being scared.
[later, in the living room]
Mordecai: [as he pushes Rigby against the screen] Look at it! Look at it! It's not real! You can see the microphone showing!!
Rigby: Let me go!!
Mordecai: Look at it!!
Rigby: Get off me!
Mordecai: I'm sick of you keeping me up! You look at it!!
Rigby: Let me go!!
Mordecai: Look at it!!
Rigby: Let me go!!
Mordecai: Look at it!! [mumbling] look at it, you...look at it.

Pops: It seems the smallest bill I have is a hundred. Will that do?
Movie Shack-Hut Guy: Yeah, sure!!
Pops: [places a butterscotch ripple lollipop in guy's hand]
Movie Shack-Hut Guy: [angrily] Is this some kind of joke?!
Mordecai and Rigby: [run away with Pops]


Mordecai: What the heck, Pops? I thought you said you had a British taxi!
Pops: A British taxi? Oh, I thought you said a brownish taxi.
Mordecai: ...But that taxi's yellow.
Pops: Yellow?! My taxi's no coward! I can guaruntee you that!
Mordecai: [sighs] Nevermind.

Benson: Well, you had better have this mess cleaned up by the time I get back from my cricket game!
Mordecai: Cricket?
Benson: Yeah, I'm trying new things. So what?
Mordecai: Will British people be there?
Benson: It's cricket – what do you think?

It's Time [2.1b][edit]

Mordecai: I kinda already got two tickets for Pajama Sisters II.
Rigby: What?! Why? That's just some stupid chick-flick! And not even the good kind. I saw the preview. They're just gonna sit around talking about their feelings...fully clothed...

Rigby: You're jealous, Mordecai! It's all over your face!!

Rigby: Looks like Pajama Sisters II is bombing! But it's doing better than you did with Margaret. OOOOOHHHHH!!!

Mordecai: All right, dude. I'll go to the movie with you. Just call it of with her.
Rigby: [scoffs] Yeah, right! I'm not going with you. You had your chance and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT!
Mordecai: [groans] Come on, dude...just give me another chance.
Rigby: Okay...I'll give you another chance if you admit that you're jealous.
Mordecai: No!! I'm not jealous!
Rigby: Then I guess I'm still going out with Margaret! OOOOOOHHHHH! YOU BLEW IT AGAIN, YOU BLEW IT AGAIN!

Father Time: Hey, who's screwing around up there?

Father Time: You're the one who's been running around microwaving all of my clocks!
Mordecai: I didn't mean to...
Father Time: "Didn't mean to...." You've wasted my valuable time, your valuable time, and you really wasted the time of that guy you killed. He's DEAD!

Rigby: What's your problem?! Why do you have to be jealous all the time?!
Mordecai: SHUT UP! This is all your fault! I finally get a chance to ask out Margaret, but you had to butt in and ruin everything!
Rigby: No, I didn't! I just wanted to see Zombie Dinner Party with my bro! Who flaked on me, for some girl who doesn't even know he exists! (pushes Mordecai)
Mordecai: I'LL KILL YOU!!! (pushes Rigby, he screams, and latter gets disintegrated into dust)

Appreciation Day [2.2a][edit]

Benson: [to Skips] It says here in the park records that you went the whole year without taking a day off.
Muscle Man: Oh, man! That's like, four hundred days!

Mordecai: [reading Book of Park Records] "Mordecai and Rigby are lazy, good-for-nothing slackers"?!
Rigby: It's kind of true...
Mordecai: [continues reading] "Their continued employment is one of life's greatest mysteries"? "Can't be taught", Untrustworthy", "Useless"? "Destruction of park property"?!
Rigby: Oh, sure! That one time!

Benson: What are you two slackers--? [sniffing]

Mordecai: Dude, is it just me, or does being appreciated blow?

Benson: And last but not least, two guys who really pulled it together this year. Two guys that remind us to not just work hard, but to work hard at having a good time. Two guys that we couldn't do without. And these two guys are...Mmmmmmmmm...Muscle Man and High Five Ghost.
Muscle Man: WHOOOOO!!!! Yeah! Eat on that, Mordecai and Rigby!!

Mordecai: The Book of Park Records...
Rigby: Dude! Open it up!
Mordecai: I don't know, man...maybe we shouldn't do this. What if we aren't meant to see what's inside?
Rigby: [scoffs] If we're not supposed to see what's inside, they shouldn't have taught us how to read!

Mordecai: Check it. [writes in Book of Park Records] "There was this blizzard, and Skips broke his leg, but it didn't matter because Mordecai and Rigby took him to the hospital"!
Rigby: They totally took him to the hospital!
Mordecai: Yeah, the emergency part of the hospital!

Mordecai: ...You had to say Snowballs the Ice Monster.
Rigby: He doesn't look that bad.
[Snowballs breathes fire and torches the area around him]
Mordecai: Fire?! You made him breathe FIRE?! Are you kidding?!

Benson: I'll take that! I don't know what's been going on here or why you two jokers have my book, so you had better clean this mess up starting now, OR YOU'RE BOTH FIRED!!
Mordecai: What mess?
Benson: [He looks around and sees no mess at all] Uh—
Rigby: We did all the job you asked us to do.
Benson: ... Skips, let's get outta here.
[Benson gets in the golf cart, then Benson and Skips drive away]
Rigby: What? Still no appreciation plaques?

Peeps [2.2b][edit]

[Rigby and Mordecai have a staring contest]
Rigby: [pulls out a lazer pointer and aims it at Mordecai's eyes]
Mordecai: HEY! No laser pointers! That's not regulation!
Rigby: Street rules, man!

Margaret: Hey, guys. What's with the cameras?
Mordecai: These? Um... we're making an indie documentary.
Margaret: Woah, that's cool!
Mordecai:'s pretty obscure...arthouse stuff...
Rigby: It's so indie, only one dude's gonna see it!
Margaret: What's it called?
Benson: [on mic] It's called "Slackers 2: The Return of Mordecai and Rigby To Their Jobs". [on watch] Break's over!
Mordecai: Uh, I guess we'll take two lattes.
Benson: TO GO!!

Mordecai: Oh! Uh, hey, Benson! We were just getting back to work!
Benson: It's okay, Mordecai. I trust you.
Mordecai: Really?
Benson: Of course I do! Because now I have this! [sets up camera] Say hello to Peeps. It's a surveillance system! Now I'll be able to see what you're up to all the time! 24/7, 365. Isn't that great? Well, I'll let you guys finish your work. And remember: I'm watching you. [walks away]
Rigby: Dude, I don't think Benson trusts us at all!

Mordecai: Oh! Benson! Uh, we—

Mordecai: Benson! This has gone way too far!
Skips: Yeah! I can't work!
Pops: I haven't been able to sleep in a fortnight!
Muscle Man: I've been so stressed that I'm losing muscle mass!

Benson: Listen, Peeps, you're creeping everyone out! You gotta go!
Peeps: I'm here to stay. If you read the lifetime guarantee that you signed, I'm going to watch you, 24/7, 365...until you die.

Mordecai: Did you bring the hacking device?
Rigby: [pulls out a thermos of coffee]

Mordecai: It's true, Benson. You can't trust us to do the dishes, or wash the truck.
Rigby: And you really can't trust us not to fart in your coffee when you're not looking.
Benson: What?
Mordecai: Nothing. But the one thing you can trust us at is... perfecting pointless skills on worktime.
Benson: Wow, I really can't argue with that.

Benson: I hope you learned something from all this.
Rigby: Yeah, make sure we do our chores so you don't narc on us to a giant eyeball.
Muscle Man: I learned that Mordecai can go for a really long time without blinking.
Mordecai: Actually, my eyes won't blink anymore... Does anybody have any eye drops? [Rigby gives him some, and the drop evaporates hitting his eye] ...Take me to the hospital.

Dizzy [2.3a][edit]

Mordecai: Hey, I know! Why don't you just picture everyone naked?
Pops: Naked?
Mordecai: Yeah!
Pops: Okay... [looks at Mordecai and Rigby's crotches] I don't like doing this!!


Pops: Uh, eh... Eh, uh... Um, eh... Um, eh... Uh, eh... Oh, eh...

Benson: It's always good to have you at the park, Mr. Maellard...sir.
Mr. Maellard: Don't try to fraternize with me, Bert.
Benson: Actually, sir, my name is "Benson".
Mr. Maellard: I KNOW WHAT YOUR NAME IS, BEANBAG!! So everything is ready for the unveiling of the new statue today, right, Beanbag?
Benson: Yes, sir. The catering's all set and the sound system is in place.
Mr. Maellard: Good. Great. There's only one thing missing — my son, Pops!! When I told him he had to give a speech today, he ran away, crying! I didn't invite all my friends and waste a lot of money for nothing. Right, Beenteen?
Benson: Uh... no, sir.
Mr. Maellard: Now go find Pops so he can give his speech, or you're FIRED!! Underline — FIRED!!!

Pops: My father wants me to give a speech in front of all his friends today, but I can't. Because I'm a no-good turkey and I'm going to strawberry jam the whole thing up!!
Rigby: ....What are you saying?
Pops: I'm just saying I can't!

Benson: I can't find Pops! Did you see him?
Skips: No! I checked everywhere!
Benson: Muscle Man! Have you seen Pops at all today?
Muscle Man: Yeah. And you know who else has seen Pops today?
Benson: Who? Your mom?
Muscle Man: I wasn't gonna say that!! Why does everyone always think I'm going to say "my mom"?! I saw Pops earlier by the playground with those two losers.
Benson: Oh, great. Mordecai and Rigby found him first.
Skips: We better find him quick!

Rigby: [looks at passed out Pops] ....Is he dead?
Pops: Uhhhhh.....
Mordecai: Oh, dude, he must have passed out from spinning too much!
Rigby: Never pass out...when there's markers about! [pulls out ink marker and opens it]

Pops: [clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby dedicate this new statue to the park.
Mordecai and Rigby: That's the whole speech!?!

My Mom [2.3b][edit]

Muscle Man: You know who else is gonna have to get supervised again for not doing it right? MY MOM!!! So long losers.

Rigby: You can't stick us with Muscle Man and Hi-Five! Those guys are turds!
Mordecai: They have the combined intelligence of bread mould! Come on, Benson, give us one more chance!
Benson: No more chances. I'm sending you to the nursery to pick up another lemon tree. If you screw up again, I'll have Muscle Man and Hi-Five supervise the next job, then the next job, and the NEXT. GET IT?!
Mordecai: Yes... yes sir.
Benson: I'm sure.

Mordecai: Ugh, this blows! You know what the worst is?
Rigby: The smell?
Mordecai: No, dude, those lame 'my mom' jokes Muscle Man always tells.

Muscle Man: You know who else has the best tacos in the city?
Rigby: Dude, Benson will blow a fuse if he finds out we were slacking off!
Muscle Man: You know who else would blow a fuse if she found out we were slacking off?
Mordecai: We don't have time for this!
Muscle Man: You know who else doesn't have time for this!?
Mordecai and Rigby: UGH!!
Muscle Man: You know who else says "ugh"?! MY MOM!!!!

Mordecai: Whoa, dude! You just passed the nursery!
Muscle Man: Pull your panties out of your butt, bro. I know a shortcut.
Mordecai: But it was right there!
Muscle Man: Who's supervising this mission? Me, that's who! Now shut your word-hole, I'm listening to my jam!

Muscle Man: Are you making fun of my mom!?? YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY MOM!! NO-ONE MAKES FUN OF MY MOM!!!
Radio: "Yo little brother! My ears are ringin! Is someone makin fun of our mom!? "
Muscle Man: Yeah, they are bro!
Radio: "Oh no bro! "
Muscle Man: I know bro!
Radio: "That's it! I'm comin up there! "

Rigby: I don't know how long I can take this.
Mordecai: I know, dude, but if we don't pull this off-
Rigby: Ugh, sick!
Muscle Man: I love this tasty lick! [bends over so his butt is showing]
Rigby: That's it, I'm jumping!

Muscle Man: High Fives is on it. He knows how to hot wire the cart to make it go crazy-fast! You know who taught High Fives to hot wire the cart to get away with slacking off at work and not get in trouble with his boss? My Uncle John. He's a mechanic.
Rigby: That's cool...
Muscle Man: You know who taught HIM?! MY MOM!!!!

Muscle Man: It was all a prank and you chumps fell for it!! And that's not even a picture of my mom! It's a picture of my butt cheek! I just squished it up to look like a woman's face!

Mordecai: I really hate Muscle Man...
Rigby: You know who else really hates Muscle Man?

High Score [2.4a][edit]

Mordecai: (groans) What now? Look, we're working. See!
Rigby: Yeah, we're never gonna get done if you keep checking up on us!
Benson: It's payday, fellas.
(Mordecai and Rigby run towards Benson)
Mordecai: Yeah-yuh!
Rigby: Aww, nice! My favorite day of the every other week!

Kid: Respect our butts!
Rigby: No, you respect our butts!!

Mordecai: Why can't we get a check like normal people? Skips gets checks!

Mordecai and Rigby: GBF!!
GBF: Yeah, I'm GBF alright. But it stands for Garret Bobby Ferguson, not "Giant Bearded Face."


Mordecai: Oh hey, Benson. What're you doin here?
Benson: I thought about what you guys said earlier and so I've come down to give you those checks you wanted.
Mordecai and Rigby: Oh wow, thanks!
Benson: BUT now that I'm covered in BRAIN GOO, I realized my mistake! [shreds and throws checks] You want to waste your lives playing video games, we'll then fine! I RESPECT YOUR DECISION!! JUST DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME HERE EVER AGAIN!!
Mordecai: I can respect that.
Rigby: Yeah, that's cool.

Rage Against the TV [2.4b][edit]

Rigby: Oh no, not this guy! We Never beat this guy!
Mordecai: Dude, we're going to do it this time, come on. Hit him! Hit him!
Rigby: I am hitting him! Nothing's happening!
Mordecai: Aw, dude! Try kicking him in the junk! Kick him in the junk! Kick him in the junk!
Rigby: I'M kicking him in the junk!
Mordecai: Well, keep doing it!

Muscle Man: Who is it?
Mordecai: It's us.
Muscle Man: What do you want?
Mordecai: We wanna borrow your TV!
Muscle Man: Why?
Mordecai: Because. We're about to beat The Hammer.
Muscle Man: WHAT? (SLAM) NOBODY can beat The Hammer! It's impossible.
Mordecai: Pft! Not for us. Will you let us borrow your TV or not?
Muscle Man: Yeah. You can borrow it... if you can tell me what The Hammer looks like.
Mordecai: He's blue, with a black mullet.
Muscle Man: Fives!
[Fives scrolls thru Video Game Power Mag to see stats for The Hammer]
Hi Five Ghost: Uh-huh.
Muscle Man: Oh man!
Rigby: So can we borrow it?
Muscle Man: Yeah, you can borrow it. So we can watch you LOSE!! Ahaha! WOOO!!! WOOHOO!!! This is gonna be hilari-uhh! (CRUNCH!!)
Rigby: Does Benson have a TV?

Announcer 1: TV Store Warehouse! We've got TVs!
Announcer 2: TOO many TVs!
Announcer 1: Take your pick! We're practically GIVING them away! No wait, we're LITERALLY giving them away!
Announcer 2: We're LITERALLY giving TVs away!


Announcer 2: And the other TVs are REALLY cheap!
Announcer 1: Yeah, so those ones we're practically LITERALLY giving away for free too!


Announcer 2: You'd better be a truck with a big box in it, cos we're just THROWIN EM AWAY!!
Announcer 1: Yeah, TVs are TRASH to us and so are YOU!
Announcer 1/2: At the TV Store Warehouse!

Party Pete [2.5a][edit]

Mordecai and Rigby: We gonna party!
Mordecai: Got some chips, got some dip!
Rigby: Some call me cheap, bit of a free loada, but I bought cups for that old school soda!
Mordecai: I dont need to brag, I dont mean to boast, but here's some hummus for these mini toasts!
Rigby: HUMMUS!
Mordecai: HUMMUUS!
Benson: Why are you guys yelling "hummus"?

[as Mordecai and Rigby are inviting people to their party]
Rigby: Him. Him. Her. Him. Oooh, definitely invite her.

Rigby: It could be worse.
[toilet spontaneously combusts]
Rigby: That's the coolest thing I've ever seen...

Benson: it doesn't really manner anyway because While I'm on my night off tonight, Skips is in charge! That's right, this guy is going to be my eyes and ears. [walks out]
Skips: This had better be some party.

Muscle Man: It takes more than expired soda to have a party. It takes guests with breasts, and mine don't count.

Partygoer: Hey, what's up, Mordi and Rigbone? You remember how your toilet, like, used to flush... Also, like, how it used to not be on fire? Anyway, phone call for ya! Some angry dude named Benson.

Brain Eraser [2.5b][edit]

Rigby: Augh! I lost again.
Mordecai: Hmph. Hmph.
Rigby: This stupid thing was throwing me off.
(Rigby takes a magazine called "Mustaches Monthly" out of the couch.)
Mordecai: Dude! Pops' "Mustaches Monthly!" Benson told us to deliver it weeks ago! You have to give this to Pops.
Rigby: What!? Why do I have to!?
Mordecai: Because you're the tool that cramped it between the sofa cushions.

Rigby: What're you watching?
VG: "Planet Chasers Starlight Excellent".
Rigby: Is it good?
VG: I watch "Planet Chasers Starlight Excellent" all day, every day. All day, every day.

Mordecai: Margaret's boyfriends were always really lame.

Mordecai: It's gone! Naked Pops is gone! I don't remember it anymore!
Benson: What did you guys do? What is this mess? I can't even take a shower around here without you guys screwing things up— [his towel drops off, looks down on his exposed open dispenser and looks back. Mordecai, Skips and Rigby stare for a beat.]

Benson Be Gone [2.6a][edit]

Mr. Maellard: Snacks disappearing from the snack bar, holes in the walls — $500 worth of prank phone calls?! It's ridiculous! What are you doing to my park, Beenteen?
Benson: But sir, it's not my fault. It's Mordecai and Rigby. It's right here on my report.
Mr. Maellard: Are you my park manager, Beenteen?
Benson: Yes, sir.
Mr. Maellard: Then everything that happens here is your fault!
Benson: Well... yes, technically, but—
Mr. Maellard: Say it.
Benson: ...Everything that happens here is my fault.
[a white limo crashes through the left side of the office!]
Mr. Maellard: MY CAR!!
[Mordecai rolls down the window]
Mordecai: Sorry, Benson, remember how I told you I can drive stick? Well, I'm a little rusty.
Rigby: I told you you should've let me be the one to park it!
Mr. Maellard: Why are they driving my car when I specifically TOLD YOU TO PARK IT?!!
Benson: I did, sir, but I delegated it to Mordecai and Rigby.
Mordecai: ...Uhh, this is getting a little awkward, so we're gonna take off. [backs away]
Benson: Wait!!
[the limo then falls onto the side of the house, bleeping]
Mr. Maellard: That's it! Emergency meeting tomorrow! Things are going to change around here.

Mordecai: Come on, Benson! We gotta rake these leaves, dude.
Benson: I can't do this.
Mordecai: Look, you're bummed out about getting demoted, but if you give it a chance you'll see it's not that bad.
Benson: ...This is horrible.
Mordecai: No it's not, you're just in a bad mood. Look, you just need to take your mind off it for a while and have some fun.
Rigby: Yeah man, we can come back later and finish these leaves.
Benson: Ahah! This is so typical. You get bored so you just slack off instead of finishing your work.
Mordecai: It's not slacking, we're just taking a break. And besides, it's not like you're working that hard anyway.
Rigby: Yeah, you're raking like an old man that has a fatter old man holding his arms down.
Rigby: I'm just sayin'...

Pops: Turn that off and clean up this mess!
Benson: Why don't YOU clean it?


Leon: Time for me to blow this slacker wonderland!

But I Have a Receipt [2.6b][edit]

Mordecai: [reads Darthon manual] "Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?"
Muscle Man: I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out and they're all, "Ooh, Muscle Man! Quit pinching my butt with your war claw!"
Rigby: [reads] "Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door."
Skips: All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
Rigby: Close enough. [Muscle Man chucks the die and marbles]
Muscle Man: Huh! [the die and marbles roll onto the floor] Did it work?
Rigby: Uhh... I don't think so.
Muscle Man: This blows!
Pops: Mordecai, Mordecai! [western accent] Well, I reckon I'd like a turn now!
Mordecai: Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hypersleep. Sorry, Pops.
Pops: Oh...
Skips: Can't he cast a saving throw?
Mordecai: U-uh...
Benson: What does all this stuff mean? Are we even in Darthon yet?
Mordecai: Uhh...
Benson: Or is that just an artifact or something?
Mordecai: Uhh... [shuts book] "Your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of man-bats!" Skips the Mighty gets first strike.
Skips: [rolls die and marbles] Eee-yah!
Rigby: Let's see. Pirate samurai have +2 constitution, -3 charisma, divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
Benson: I'm outta here.
Muscle Man: Worst game night ever!
Rigby: Aah!! Dude, they're right! This game sucks!
Mordecai: Let's get our money back.

Clerk: THAT'S IT!! The Realm of Darthon does not suck!!
Mordecai: Yeah, but your costume does. [both snigger]
[the sales clerk breathes heavily, opens the book to eerily bright green glow showing his x-rayed skull]

Rigby: Fireballs are made of kittens!
Darthon: Kittens are man-eating tigers!
Mordecai: Man-eatings tigers turn into stuffed animals!

Pops: Mordecai, Rigby!
Mordecai: Pops! Where have you guys been?
Benson: We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
Rigby: Good thing it was worth it! Seven bones, baby!
Benson: Seven dollars?! WE ALMOST DIED FOR SEVEN DOLLARS?!!
Rigby: The numbers aren't important!
Mordecai: It was the principle.
Rigby: Yeah, if we're gonna spend that kinda money, it's gotta be on a cool game!
Mordecai: Yeah, something like "Trail of Elderitch" or "The Lair of Anthelon".
Rigby: Dude, is that out?
Mordecai: Yeah, it came out last week.
Both: [run back into store] Yea-yah!

This is My Jam [2.7a][edit]

Mordecai: You gotta be in the know to know. You know?

Mordecai: Now you're makin' sense, and now I'm makin' snacks.

Rigby: Ok, this song is lame!

Mordecai: Man! You got no taste in music!

Rigby: (On the roof) Look, I'm a taking a giant leak!. (Sprays hose off of roof)

(Seeing the Summertime Song as a a physical form, taking the form of a music tape with arms and legs with big, red sunglasses)
Mordecai:...What the heck is that?
Rigby: I have no idea what I'm looking at.

Mordecai: We have to fight fire with fire!
Rigby: What? Dude, Hello? Fire is just gonna go right though him!

Mordecai: I've got an idea: Brain Explosion!
Rigby: What!? That's gotta be illegal!

Mordecai: You can't touch music, but music can touch you!

Muscle Woman [2.7b][edit]

Mordecai: Hey Muscle Man, we got work to do, remember? [Muscle Man breaks down]
Rigby: Dude... are you crying?
Muscle Man: No! Crying's for ladies, LIKE YOU!! I don't cry!!
[cut to a crying nude Muscle Man in the shower, with Mordecai and Rigby knocking outside his caravan]
Rigby: Dude, he's been in there for hours!
Mordecai: Muscle Man! Muscle Man! [looks inside] Muscle Man, are you taking a shower so we can't see you crying?
Mordecai: Dude, what's wrong with him?
Hi-Five Ghost: [appears] His girlfriend Starla dumped him last night.
Rigby: What?! Muscle Man had a girlfriend? I wonder who had more junk in the trunk.
Mordecai: Muscle Man, just come out! We can talk about it if you want.

Mordecai: Alright, Muscle Man, grocery stores have tons of available women.
Muscle Man: I don't know, Mordecai... None of these ladies are as hot as Starla.
Mordecai: Dude, man up! Check this out. [points] That girl is single.
Muscle Man: How can you tell?
Mordecai: Check out her cart. American cheese singles, a single serving of soup—and who buys one banana? And I don't see a ring on that finger. So what're you waiting for? Go get her!
Muscle Man: [walks to her] Uhh... hey. You're a chick. I was wondering if you wanted to....
Muscle Man: I CAN'T DO THIS!! [rips shirt showing his chest tattoo] THIS HEART BEATS FOR ANOTHER!!! [cries as the woman continues strolling] STARLAAA!!!

Mordecai: Look! I know how Muscle Man can be. He's annoying, he smells, and he pretty much has no common decency for others, but he's still human. And he has feelings. We all do. We're just fragile beings looking for someone to share something with. To laugh with. To love.

Temp Check [2.8a][edit]

Benson: Nope. It's no good.
Both: Aw, what?
Benson: It's an INCH TOO tall. Do it again. DO IT ALL AGAIN!!!
Rigby: It's just one inch!
Benson: Who you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash and BAM!! Lawsuit. Now get to work.
Rigby: But- but- but-
Benson: Oh wait... Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? That's what I thought.

Rigby: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Guy: [with fire on his back] Uh, I like pyrotechnics. [fireworks blows off his pocket, sets ablaze his pants]
Rigby: So, what're you good at?
Parrot: Rragh! Pyrotechnics! [boom!!]
Rigby: Let me guess. You like pyrotechnics.
Redneck: No. But I do like this. [brings harmonica to his rear end]
Rigby: Alright, alright! That's enough!

Rigby: Wow, what a windbag! I thought he never shut up. I can't believe you guys thought Doug was me. You must feel like idiots, am I right? Uh... right?
Benson: I'm the only one around here who hires and fires. So if you really don't want to do your own job I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next THREE MONTHS!! UNBELIEVABLE! [everyone leaves]
Rigby: [sigh] Hey Mordecai, wanna make an easy ten bucks?

Jinx [2.8b][edit]

Benson: Of course all this trash would still be here. Why do I even try? [spots Rigby] Hey! Hey!! Get over here right now!
Rigby: Benson! Hey man, I need you—
Benson: No. Stop. Don't say anything. What is this? You guys expect me to let this slide?
Rigby: No—yes—I dunno. Look, I just need you—
Benson: Ugh, what you need? Well, I need is for you to start cleaning up right now or you're FIRED!!
Rigby: Okay, okay! I'm doin' it! But can you just say my name three— [sees Mordecai behind the tree]
Benson: What? Say your name? [Mordecai holds his fist] Why do you want me to say your name? [looks behind] What? What're you looking at?
[Mordecai runs off]
Benson: Is that Mordecai? Mordecai!! Mordecai, get over here this second or you're fired! [canned by Rigby] What the heck, Rigby?! What's the matter with you?? [Rigby smiles, cans him again] AHH!! RIGBY!! [Rigby trashs him] AUGHH!! RAAAHHHHH!!! RAAAAAHHHUH!!! [throws trash can up high into the ground and long kicks it] RAAAGGHHHHH!!!
Rigby: JUST SAY MY NAME ONE MORE TIME!!! [looks up beside Mordecai]
Mordecai: Hmhm. Hm. [PUNCH!!]

Rigby: Gotta find somebody, gotta find somebody! Fives!! You gotta help me, man! You gotta say my name three times! [beat] I'm jinxed and Mordecai's taking this thing way too far! You gotta say my name three times!!
[Fives shakes his head]
Rigby: COME OOON!!! [Fives shakes again] WHY NOOOT?!?!
Fives: Because I'm jinxed too...
Muscle Man: Aha! [leap-punches Fives] No talking while you're jinxed, loser!
Fives: Help.. me—
Rigby: Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost, Hi-Five Ghost!
Muscle Man: Hey!!
Fives: Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo!!
Rigby: Dude, help me back! [Fives flies off] NO, WAIT!!
Muscle Man: Dude, why'd you do that for?!
Rigby: I'm sorry, I just needed to get rid of my jinx!
Muscle Man: Why don't you take it off yourself?
Rigby: You can do that?
Muscle Man: Pft, yeah, it's easy. Now, here's what you gotta do.

Skips: Looks like you guys are off the hook. Nobody remembers anything.
Mordecai: How come you haven't lost your memory?
Skips: My mind's a steel trap. And don't do that again!
Both: We won't!
Rigby: ..Jinx! Ha ha!
Mordecai: Uh— ehh, whatever.
Rigby: No talkin' when you're jinxed!! [striking him thoroughly] How do you like it?! [slowly stops] How do... you... like... it?
Mordecai: I feel bad for you that you'll never be able to fully enjoy this game. [for a short beat, Rigby points into his eye] AHH!!!

See You There [2.9a][edit]

Muscle Man: Yo, HFG! I found a video game system on the ground. Let's see what happens when we put it in the Microwave.

Do Me a Solid [2.9b][edit]

Pops: Yoo-hoo! Mordecai! Rigby!
Both: Hey, Pops! Hey, Skips!
Skips: You think you want some chips with that cheese?
Rigby: Oh, yeah, I guess we overdid it with the cheese, huh? HYAH!! (SPLAT!!)
[all laugh]
Pops: Are you supposed to be working at the snack bar today?
Rigby: Do us a solid and cover for us?
Skips: You shouldn't abuse the power of the solid. Bad things will happen.
Mordecai: Can you at least pretend you didn't see us?
Skips: Okay, but you owe me a solid. [drives off]
Rigby: We should probably get outta here.
Mordecai: Do me a solid and buy me a cup of coffee?

Grave Sights [2.10a][edit]

Guy: That zombie just took a discus to the face!
Audience: Woooooo!

Mordecai and Rigby: (singing obnoxiously) Because we know everything about scary movies and you know nothing about scary movies! We'll save the park with our knowledge of scary movies!!
Mordecai and Rigby: Our...Knowledge...Of...Scary...Movies...

Really Real Wrestling [2.10b][edit]

Mordecai: "Listen up, Mystrious Mister R! Mad Man Mordo is going to take you down! And I'am not talkin' downtown; I'm talkin' 6 ft underground!"

Rigby: And that's why we don't have tickets for wrestling because all you can think about is Benson's crank.

Over the Top [2.11a][edit]

Mordecai: You couldn't let it go. Well, I hope you got what you wanted.

Benson: Hey! Let me tell you guys something. This guy.. this guy right here is SO strong. He could take anyone of you OUT in arm-wrestling.
Skips: Nah, nah...
Benson: Skips! SKIPS!! I am your boss!! And as your boss, I order you to arm-wrestle me.

Muscle Man: Aw yeah! Meat Cooler Kings round two!
Fives: Shotgun!

Rigby: So everybody thinks I'm dead?
Skips: Yep.
Rigby: Dude! We gotta prank 'em!
Skips: Uh.. Y'know Rigby, I think I've had enough pranks for today.

Rigby: (after beating Skips at arm wrestling) HATERS GONNA HATE!

Skips: Two words... PLAYCO ARMBOY!!

Death: I will have your immortal soul.

The Night Owl [2.11b][edit]

Muscle Man: Is there somethin' on my face?!
Guy: [beat] Uhh... no.

Mordecai: Well, we did it.
Muscle Man: Yep.
Rigby: Yeah.
Muscle Man: Guess all that's left to do now is step down and get the car.
Rigby: That sounds about right.
Muscle Man: Well, I'll meet you guys down there. I gotta take down the tent first.
Mordecai: No, no — we'll take care of the tent. You should go first.
Muscle Man: I'm not stepping off this thing until you three step off it first.
Mordecai: What's that supposed to mean?
Muscle Man: It means I know what you're up to!
Mordecai: You know what I'M up to!? I know what YOU'RE up to! Step one: working with you was a huge mistake and step two: get off this billboard, you smell like barf!

Night Owl: How does it feel to be part of the final four?
Rigby: It feels GREAT!
Mordecai: Awesome!
Fives: It's exciting!
Muscle Man: WOOOOO!!!
Night Owl: Mmhm. And how did you make it this far?
Muscle Man: Working together, baby!!
Night Owl: [chuckles] Fantastic. So, what're gonna do with the car?
Rigby: Share it.
Night Owl: Hmm, that's funny. Because that's not what Mordecai said.
Muscle Man: What did Mordecai say..?
Night Owl: Well, that he was gonna take the car for himself.
Fives: Rigby said that?
Night Owl: Yeah. That's what Muscle Man said.
Mordecai: I knew it!
Rigby: That jerk!!
Fives: I can't believe this!
Muscle Man: Oh, he's gonna pay!

Benson: I always knew those guys were special.

Muscle Man: Let's blow this popsicle stand!

Muscle Man: Get your hand out of my FACE!


A Bunch of Baby Ducks [2.12a][edit]

Baby Duck: Hey Mordecai and Rigby, thanks.
(Mordecai and Rigby both smile)
Baby Duck: For being the coolest losers we know!
Baby Duck, Moredecai and Rigby: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

Rigby: Hmm-hmm. Step off! Step off! You don't want none of this!

Moredecai: Is there any other things that might need cleaning?
[Benson walks away]
Mordecai: ...Benson?

More Smarter [2.12b][edit]

Benson: And if you don't stop goofing off and clean up this graffiti NOW, I'M GONNA TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!!
Mordecai & Rigby: Huh...??
Benson: Do you have anything to say for yourselves?
Rigby: What just happened?
Mordecai: Ugh, I don't remember anything...
Muscle Man: Me and Fives were practicing for a pie-eating contest when you two dweebs came in speaking Spanish or something. [chows down pie]
Fives: Then you drank that green stuff.
Mordecai: AUGH!! I can't believe you made me drink your lame drink!
Benson: Better get started, or it's coming out of your paycheck.
Muscle Man: Yeah, losers.

Mordecai: In closing, your theories had failed to prove that you're smarter – for your brain is no bigger than a WALNUT.


Rigby: Very funny Mordecai, but your paper is fundamentally flawed because your brain is made up of 99% CANINE BUTT CHEEKS.


Mordecai: There is still one irrefutable truth. You don't have a high school diploma! So I'm smarter than you! You IMBECILE!!


Benson: Mordecai, Rigby, get downstairs right now and clean up the mess you made, or I'm gonna fire....
[into the smarter world]
Rigby: Dude, what is he saying?
[Benson, Pops and Skips are now ape-like neanderthals speaking nonsensical gibberish]
Mordecai: Oh no! We've become so smart they're stupid to us!
[in the real world]
Mordecai: Quarum hie vitio morionis!
Rigby: MORIONIS!!? Moroionis vestros incipe et rem TOTAM!!
Mordecai: Et harum facere daberet ire stultum!

First Day [2.13a][edit]

Mordecai: Milk...
Rigby: Cereal...
Both: ...COMBINE.

Mordecai: Hey, Pops. What are you doing with that chair?
Pops: Oh. Well...I no longer acquire its services. So Benson and I are taking it to the place where the big men may come upon it, and whisk it away to Magic Trash City!
(Mordecai and Rigby look at Benson)
Benson: ...We're throwing it away.

Mordecai: (reclines in chair) Eh?
Rigby: What? What's wrong?
Mordecai: (shifts around uncomfortably) This is the most uncomfortable chair I've ever sat in.

Rigby: Come on baby, come on baby, come on! Come on baby!! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZQWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM1234567890... Ugh. It's just not comfortable, man.

Pops: Oh, I adore "Rock, Paper, Scissors!" Although where I come from, we call it, "Quartz, Parchment, Shears."

(Everybody gets up; the park is ruined)
Mordecai: Did you win?
Rigby: (coughs)
Mordecai: I think you win.
Rigby: (sighs) It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
Pops: Look!
(half of the chair is still left)
Mordecai and Rigby: Aww, cool.
Benson: No you don't! You're not getting that chair. But here's what you do get. You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwin' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole MESS!! Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
[Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips]
Mordecai: Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?
Rigby: Agreed. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to drive the cart?

Go Viral [2.13b][edit]

Soda Guy: Why, Wedgie Ninja? OOOOOGHHH..!!!
[the bear play thru Glockenspiel to end, and farts]
Soda Guy: Aw, my back!

Wedgie Ninja: Help me.
Mordecai: What?
Warden of the Internet: What's your name?
Pops: Pops.
Rigby: It's Pops!
Warden of the Internet: Step over to your right, Pops.
Pops: Is this my passport photo for the interwebs?
Warden of the Internet: Sort of.
Pops: Ooh, I love photos. I am ready, madame.
Warden of the Internet: Say 'doomed for eternity.'
Pops: Doomed for eternity! Oh!
Rigby: No!

Muscle Man: What're you guys doing?
Rigby: Makin' viral video~s.
Muscle Man: Huh? OOF!!

Skunked [2.14a][edit]

Rigby: What!? AHHH!! What am I gonna do now!?
Mordecai: I dunno dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.
[Rigby ticks off; his pupils dilated, his body has grown larger and throttles Mordecai]

Rigby: Dude, Bingo!
Mordecai: Bingo?
Rigby: Bingo, bingo!
Mordecai: Bingo!
Rigby: Ohhhhh!!!
Mordecai: Woahhhhh!!!


Karaoke Video [2.14b][edit]

Carrey O'Key: I SAID, NO!
Carrey O'Key: I can play that tape whenever i feel like it, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it! I don't want to see you punks back here again. You're banned!

Mordecai: Sorry, guys.
Rigby: Yeah, sorry.
Mordecai: We didn't mean to ruin your good time.
Benson: No, no! I don't wanna hear it! Hey, I don't know what was on that tape or why those guys were after it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. YOU'VE RUINED KARAOKE NIGHT!!!
[Benson and the gang donut-straight outta here, leaving them both Mordecai and Rigby behind]
Mordecai: Yeah, uh– I know, that's why we tried to... apologize... to you. Man, karaoke sucks.

Season 3[edit]

Stick Hockey [3.1a][edit]

Pops: It seems the honourable thing to do is apologize. Oh look! [holds up a joker card with Benson on it] This one is you! [giggles]
Benson: [sighs] Alright.
Skips: Hmph. [tosses a walkie talkie to Benson]
Benson: Mordecai, Rigby, are you there? Pick up!
Skips: [reaches for walkie talkie] Let me try. Mordecai, Rigby. Are you there?
Rigby: (over walkie talkie) Hey Skips.
Benson: Tell them I want to talk to them! Tell them!
Skips: Where are you? [skips away] Where are you guys?

Bet To Be Blonde [3.1b][edit]

Blonde: [laughs] I'm just yanking your chain man, it's cool.
Rigby: Huh?
Mordecai: [laughs] OOOOOOOOHHHHH!
Black Blonde: [puts hand on Mordecai's shoulder] Uh. He's had enough.
Rigby: Hm.

Skips Strikes [3.2a][edit]

Benson: Man, Skips is on fire tonight. Another perfect game.
Mordecai: We're going to the championship baby!
Man: You guys wouldn't be so great if it wasn't for Skips.
Mordecai: Well, we can't help that he's just plain awesome, right Skips?
Skips: Hey, that's just how I roll.
Mordecai, Rigby and Benson: Oh!
Benson: There she is guys. Isn't she a beaute?
Rigby: I want that beaute.
Benson: So who are we up against?
Mordecai: Some team called the Magical Elements.
Rigby: The Magical Elements. Hm, hm, more like the Magical loserments.
Death: What did you say about us?

Terror Tales of the Park [3.2b][edit]

Muscle Man: I told you I was ripped.
'Hi-Five Ghost: Hello?
Wizard: Good bye!

Camping Can Be Cool [3.3a][edit]

Margaret: Hey Guys Do You Need Any More-
Rigby: SSHHHHH! This Is It!
TV: Your Weekend Weather Forecast. Hope You Have Your Sunglasses Ready.

Rigby: You probably shouldn't go, Margaret. I bet your boyfriend won't like you going out on a camping trip with you dudes.
Margaret: Ugh, what boyfriend? Not see anyone right now. Guys are jerks.
Mordecai: Gah, I know, right? Guys are the worst.

Slam Dunk [3.3b][edit]

Muscle Man: Yeah, baby. Go ahead. You can't make it from there. Oh! Oh! Brick!
Mordecai: Ugh!
Muscle Man: Oh, snap. Hey, Mordecai, you're looking a little confused. Did you know that we only need one more point to win?

Cool Bikes [3.4a][edit]

Benson: When are you guys going to get it through your heads? Nothing you say or do will ever make me admit you're cool!
Mordecai: You know what, Benson? I just realized something. We don't care what you think.

Benson: Mordecai and Rigby are the coolest guys I know.

Mordecai: If we can get you to admit that we're cool, then you have to give us the cart back.
Benson: Sounds good to me cos it'll never happen.
Rigby: You're wrong! You're all like "that'll never happen", and then we'll get all cool and you'll be all like "whoa" and then we'll be all like "in your face!"
Benson: Haha, and I'll be like "GET BACK TO WORK!!! "

House Rules [3.4b][edit]

Benson: Hey, guys. Listen, when you've got a minute, I need you to take a look at these.
Mordecai: Sure, Benson. [hands over "Benson's House Rules" book] Oh, the house rules? Thanks, but we already have these.
Benson: Uh, no, you don't. Cos I've added a few new ones in there and I'm gonna need you to sign off on them, okay? [leaves]
Rigby: Aw, man, more rules?! He's gotta be joking!
Mordecai: Alright, let's see. "Rule #114: No feet on the table." [Mordecai and Rigby's feet are on the table, then they take them off, moaning] "Rule #115: No food on the table." [food is seen on the table, so they knock it all off]
Rigby: Fine!
Mordecai: "Rule #116: No food on the floor."
Rigby: WHAT?! That's going WAY too far!! [growls while straining himself to lift the table] Come on, man! Help me flip the table!
Mordecai: No, dude, just chill out. There's only one more new rule left.
Rigby: What is it?
[Mordecai flips the page, then, a shocked look comes to his face as the camera zooms in. Cut into Benson's office]
Mordecai: No video games!?!
Rigby: Are you nuts?!
Benson: "Rule #47: No yelling!"

Margaret: [opens door] Hi guys!
Mordecai and Rigby: Hey, Margaret.
Margaret: : Hey, is it true? Did you really move out of the house?
Rigby: : Yeah, we did! 'cause Benson got all rulesy!
Mordecai: : We had no choice. It was either leave or live with some other dude with rules.
Margaret: : Wow, Mordecai! I didn't know you were such a rebel.
Mordecai: : Yep. You know me. Total rebel. [they both laugh]
Margaret: : Well, good night. [almost closes door, but Mordecai stops the action with his foot]
Mordecai: : Actually, we don't have anywhere to sleep, so we were hoping you would let us camp out here tonight.
Margaret: : I wish I could, but, my manager has a rule about that kind of thing. [pans over to guy in white shirt. He sticks a paper to the window that reads, "get lost campers"] Sorry, guys.
Mordecai: : It's cool. I'm sure we can find some place to crash that isn't so big on rules. Later!
[M&R walk off, beginning a montage that starts off at Awesome Dynamite. The guy carrying a clipboard lets two couples in, but when M&R walk up, he stops them in their path, then turns his clipboard around to show "No losers." Next up is Al's Convienience Market. M&R roll their sleeping bags on the floor before Al walks up and points to a sign reading, "No hanging out." They pick up their sleeping bags and walk off. Finally, they stop at a bench and try to sleep before a shirtless man comes up to point at a tattoo reading "Günther," then he points to the bench, which is revealed to also read "Günther," then, he sticks up a baseball bat, also reading "Günther." Günther chases M&R before he stops at an alley, twirls his bat and walks off. M&R then pop their heads out from behind the garbage]
Mordecai: Dude, this is getting intense.
Rigby: [moans] No! More! RUUUUULES! [zoom out before an earthquake, followed by a gust, occurs, followed by a mysterious laugh]

Rigby: You can't take video games away from us, man! What're we supposed to do?!
Benson: Work. You're supposed to work.
Mordecai: Y'know what? We're sick of all your rules! "No prank calls, no rock-paper-scissors, no punchies — no unicorns"? What does that even mean?!
Rigby: These rules are all totally random, Benson, and they're all aimed at us!
Benson: That's not true. "Number 68: no harpsichord playing after 10pm."
Rigby: [to Mordecai] I actually kinda like that one.
Mordecai: Yeah, but that's the only good one in there. The rest of them are terrible!
Benson: Look, I'm doing you a favor. Life without rules is chaos.
Mordecai: Fine, but we're only signing off on the rules we like.
Rigby: Yeah, like the harpsichord one!
Benson: It doesn't work that way! If you can't agree to live by all the house rules, THEN YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!!!
Mordecai: Well then, we won't live in this house!
Rigby: Yeah, cos your rules are wack!!
Mordecai: We'll show you. We're not gonna live with any rules at all.

[both Mordecai and Rigby are pummelled out of their tent to see a squealing Muscle Man destroying the tent]
Mordecai: Muscle Man, what're you doing?!
Muscle Man: My job, bro. Read it and weep, ladies. [holds up "Rule #118: No overnight camping"]
Mordecai & Rigby: Aw, what?! Come on!
Muscle Man: While I sympathize with your quest to live free of the man's rules, this guy's still gotta put food on the table.
Mordecai: Fine! But you didn't have to ruin our campsite!
Muscle Man: Yes, I did.

Mordecai: There. We signed off on all your rules, Benson.
Benson: Well, well, well. Wasn't so easy living with out rules, was it? [strolls thru pages] Wait a minute. One of these rules is missing.
Rigby: Oh, no! Which one?
Benson: I don't know, there's over a hundred of these things!
Mordecai: Well... then how do you know it's missing?
Benson: Because somebody RIPPED IT OUT!!!
Mordecai: That's crazy! I wonder which one it is.
[back in No Rules World]
No Rules Man: Hmph. Hmph. I don't need those guys. I can play video games by myself.
[a piece of paper falls onto his lap. He holds it and reads "Rule #117: No video games"]
No Rules Man: NOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!! [explodes into nothingness]

Rap It Up [3.5a][edit]

Big Trouble: Nah, I got y'all fools this time, hit it! (V-Tron turns on the radio) (Rapping) You all better watch out, cause Big Trouble's on the mic now, i'll knock all o' your lights out, with my verse, y'all be cursed , blowing up like fireworks. powwwwwwwww!
Alpha-Dog:...that's it? Blitz Comet, show this fool how we do.
Blitz Comet: (Rapping) Blitz Comet on the scene. You step to me and you gonna get creamed-corn! All up in your teeth, you reek, you're the opposite of chic, ya freak! Your rhymes are all antiques. Nobody wants em, they throw em all away. Right from the get go like your brain is on delay. Matter of fact, yo, you better get a check up. Go ask your doctor, why you be so ugly from the neck UP?

Crusin [3.5b][edit]

Margaret: Guys. You're kidding, right?
Mordecai: Are you saying you wouldn't give us your number if we pulled up in some cool wheels?
Margaret: You dorks would never be able to get a girl's number cruising.
Mordecai: Oh yeah?

Under the Hood [3.6a][edit]

[After Mordecai and Rigby thinks Muscle Man did spray graffiti and Mordecai and Rigby telling Benson on Muscle Man and he know who did graffiti and scene switches back to Muscle Man and Hi-Five-Ghost]

Muscle Man: It's buffalo sauce, smell it!
Benson: I'm not going to smell your fingers, Muscle Man. Just tell me the truth and I'll take your word for it.
Muscle Man: I am telling you to truth! Benson, I can't believe you are listening to these clowns-- [a can of spray-paint falls out of pocket)
Rigby: Look, it's spray-paint!
Benson: Chicken wings, huh?
Muscle Man: Uh... Um... That's not mine!
Mordecai: Yeah, right! It was in your pocket!
Muscle Man: Uh... okay, all right! I was spray-painting, okay? But, but--
Benson: But what?
Muscle Man: But I didn't do the graffiti! I was painting Hi Five Ghost's ride orange!
Hi Five Ghost: Really?
Benson: Then why did you lie about the paint?
Muscle Man: Because it was supposed to be a surprise. Til you guys ruined it!
Rigby: He's lying!
Muscle Man: No, I'm not!
Benson: I'm sorry, Muscle Man. But I'm going to have to ask you to turn in your keys.
Muscle Man: What?
Benson: You heard me.
Muscle Man: Are you firing me, bro?!
Benson: Give me your keys.
Hi Five Ghost: If he goes, I go, too.
Benson: Okay, see ya.
Hi Five Ghost: Aww...
Muscle Man: That was really cool, bro. You want my keys, Benson? Fine! [He throws his keys on the ground at Benson's feet] But we were gonna quit this job anyways to follow our real dreams. And we're not coming back, no matter how much you beg! Come on, Fives. [they walk away]

Weekend at Benson's [3.6b][edit]

Rigby: Dude, Benson! What's the rush? It's not like you have somewhere to be.
Benson: Yeah, actually, I do! I do have a life outside of work, you know.
Rigby: Yeah, right. Where are you gonna go, Benson?
Mordecai: Yeah, where are you gonna go, dude?
Rigby: Come on, man! Spill it! Where are you going to go?
[Mordecai and Rigby let go of the ladder]
Mordecai: Dude, Rigby! Leave him alone! Can't you tell you're annoying him?

Benson: [gets up] That's it... I've had it with you two. I can't even knocked out without you ruining my social life and getting me into stupid food challenges.
Rigby: But Benson, we won! [grumble] ..Didn't we?
Benson: Won? I would've never gotten into this mess if you two weren't just messing around. You two are fired! No more chances, just get outta here.
Mordecai: [gasps] Benson, look!
Benson: What? [he pulls off paper attached to him, reading "CALL ME, 555-0155. ♥ AUDREY"]
Mordecai: What does it say?
Rigby: Yeah man, what does it say?
Benson: Ah... Get back to work.

Fortune Cookie [3.7a][edit]

Benson: I'm glad you could all join me for brunch today.
Pops: What's the occasion?
Benson: Do you even have to ask, Pops? It's to celebrate my amazing streak of good luck.
Pops: Good luck?
Benson: Yeah, don't you remember last night?
(Scene shows flasback of Benson beating Rigby at cards)
Rigby: Augh! You only beat me last night because of my bad luck.
Benson: No Rigby, I only beat you because of my good luck, and it's that luck that makes me trust that we're all going to love this restaurant that none of us have never even been to.
Everyone: Yeah!

Rigby: You know what I think? I think you're just jealous.
Mordecai: Jealous?
Rigby: Jealous!
Mordecai: Dude, seriously...
Mordecai: Rigby!
Mordecai: I'm calling Benson.
Rigby: (Mockingly) Oh, no, don't call Benson.

Mordecai: Skips, have you seen Benson?
Skips: He's playing cards in my garage. He's convinced he can turn his luck around.
Mordecai: No, he can't! It's not even his luck! We have to stop him. [Benson enters] Benson, I gotta tell you something.
Benson: Not right now, Mordecai. I'm right in the middle of a hand.
Mordecai: No, Benson! Listen, you shouldn't be playing cards right now!
Benson: Okay, so I've had a bad stretch lately. So my wallet and credit cards got stolen. So accounting lost my paycheck. So I can't afford to pay my rent or feed myself. But cards are where I'm luckiest! Cards are my girl! She's never let me down before and she won't do it this time.
Skips: Well, you gotta stop playing now because you got nothing left to wager with!
Benson: ..Actually, Skips, there is one more thing.
[Benson walks back into Skips' garage and walks back into the room again]
Benson: I just lost the park to the guy in the fanny pack.

Think Positive [3.7b][edit]

Benson: [sighs, enters office] What is it, Pops? I'm in the middle of something.
Pops: Have a seat. [Benson sits down, sighs] Do you know why I called you in here?
Benson: Did you lose the colonel again? Try under your hat.
[Pops lifts his hat with the colonel inside, then puts his toy army men in the drawer]
Pops: It's a problem concerning Mordecai and Rigby.
Benson: What else is new? Don't worry, Pops, I'll take care of it.
Pops: Then we understand each other?
Benson: Absolutely. I've already warned them one more screwup and they're both fired.
Pops: But... Benson, I was referring to you.
Benson: What?
Pops: I'd like you to stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby.
Benson: [scoff] You're kidding.
Pops: Quite the opposite. It's too negative and bad for morale.
Benson: What morale? Those slackers never do anything unless you yell at them.
Pops: There's never a reason to yell at anyone.
Benson: They give me a million reasons every day! Ptch, you just want me to be nice to them?
Pops: You don't have to be nice, just don't yell.
Benson: [groans] Listen, Pops, I appreciate the concern, but I know how to do my job.
Pops: Benson, I think it's clear that my father puts me in charge of running the park when he's not around, right?
Benson: Yes, but—
Pops: And that means you must do what I say?
Benson: Technically, but I—
Pops: And I am ordering you to stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby.
Benson: Pops!!
Pops: Understood?
Benson: [beat] Understood.

[Benson walks downstairs to see Mordecai and Rigby messing up the entire living room]
Mordecai: Hey, Benson. Have you seen the keys for the cart?
Benson: Omm... omm...
Rigby: We can't find 'em anywhere. [drops a vase] Uh-oh.
Benson: Omm, omm, omm, omm... [see two young hooligans outside doing donuts with the cart before driving away]
Mordecai: Never mind. I think I know where they are.
Mordecai/Rigby: Waahh!! [they run away; Pops comes in]
Pops: Benson! I warned you! [writes down on clipboard]
Benson: Pops, you're writing me up?!
Pops: You know what happens next, don't you? [hands paper to Benson]
Benson: Of course. Verbal warning. Writeup. Fired. But you wouldn't fire me, Pops.
Pops: I'll do what I must.
Benson: What?! Pops, you can't take this job away from me! It's all I have!
Pops: I'm sorry, Benson. If you yell at Mordecai and Rigby again, I'll be forced to fire you.

Dr. Kimmy: [on tape] "The key to managing your anger is control. For example, one should never yell — even if it's to pass... the salt."
[Benson suddenly recalls to his boyhood years where his family members are constantly bickering at each other at the table]
Benson: Pass the salt, please?
Benson's Dad: QUIET!! Benson has somethin' he wants to say.
Benson: Um... pass?
Benson's Dad: Look here, son! You're never gonna get anything in this life if you don't yell for it!
Benson: Pass... PASS THE SALT!!
Benson's Dad: Attaboy!
[the roof suddenly rips open above Benson to see an angrily peeved Pops]
Pops: Benson, you're fired!
Benson: NOOOOO....!!!
[back in reality. Benson then jumps up and down on his tape player breaking it, throws the tape player at a photo frame, knocking things over and throws his chair out the window onto the street. The red-faced Benson repeatedly sighs at the mirror]
Benson: Keep it together, Benson. You still got a whole day of work left.

Pops: Benson, I need you to yell at Mordecai and Rigby!
Benson: But if I yell, you'll fire me!
Pops: Forget what I said, Benson!! If you don't yell at Mordecai and Rigby right now, you're fired!
[Benson finally opens his throbbing eyes; he screams an energy burst directly to Mordecai and Rigby]
[the white flash fades away; pan down to the damage done. Pops and Skips get up. Benson gets up, as well, limping while doing so]
Pops: Benson! Benson, are you all right?!
Benson: Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry things got so out of control, Pops.
Pops: It was my mistake. From now on, I'll leave park managing to park manager, [they shake hands] though I do wish you wouldn't yell at Mordecai and Rigby so much.
Benson: Let me give it a shot. [the three look down at Mordecai and Rigby] Hey, Mordecai and Rigby. [Mordecai coughs] Clean this mess up or you're fired. [he, Pops and Skips laugh]
[ringing is heard for Mordecai and Rigby as they are unable hear the three laughing]
Mordecai: What? What're they laughing at?
Rigby: What?

Skips Vs. Technology [3.8a][edit]

[Skips shuts off the computer, turns it on to find more malware in the computer; the printer explodes with all its paper shooting up the ceiling. Mordecai and Rigby enter]
Mordecai: Skips! What are you doing?!
Skips: I was just trying to fix your Error 219!
Rigby: [gets to computer] Eugh... But it's not a 219 anymore!
Mordecai: Yeah, while you were gone, we messed it up and now it's an Error 220!
Rigby: Ah, dude, it's even worse now!
Mordecai: Look, Skips, it's fine. We called someone to come fix it.
Skips: You what?! Look, guys, I can do this. I just need more time. When is this guy supposed to get here?
Mordecai: In an hour.
Skips: Okay, look, I can take care of this. If he gets here before me, stall him.
Mordecai: Why?
Skips: JUST DO IT!!
Rigby: Jeez!!
Mordecai: Okay, okay! [Skips leaves]
Rigby: Man, what's Skips's problem?
Mordecai: I don't know. I think he needs to realize that there's some things he just can't fix.

Butt Dial [3.8b][edit]

Mordecai: Man last night was the best. The best.
Rigby: (while tapping on the keys of Mordecai's phone) Yeah it was pretty fun.
Mordecai: I mean, Margaret and Eileen over for "Game Night," and nothing went wrong. No space portals, no video demons, nobody got hurt.
Rigby: Except for Eileen and I whipping your butts.
Mordecai: Whatever, I had fun. Dude come on help out. Benson's not going to let us have people over anymore if we leave this place a mess. And put down my new phone before you break it.
Rigby: Ok, just a sec. I am making you a new custom wallpaper.

Eggscellent [3.9a][edit]

Waiter: Have you decided?
Mordecai: Uhh, I'll take the Eggs Benedict, a-and uh... orange juice.
Rigby: And I'll have the Eggscellent Challenge.
Waiter: Oh... I wouldn't recommend the Eggscellent Challenge, it's more of a promotional item.
Rigby: Yeah, and it's the only reason we're here, so...
Waiter: Sir, i-it's really just—
Rigby: Okay, hold on, hold on. I'm confused. I'm the customer, right?
Waiter: Well, yes.
Rigby: What does that sign say over there?
Waiter: Uhh... "The customer is always right."
Rigby: And what am I?
Waiter: The customer.
Rigby: And the sign?
Waiter: Sir, please!
Rigby: Say it!!
Waiter: "The customer is always right."
Rigby: Hm-hm. Hm!
Waiter: What would you like, sir?
Rigby: Bring me the omelette.

Benson: Well, I hope you've learned something from all this.
Mordecai: What?
Benson: Maybe if you'd been working like you were supposed to, none of this would've happened.
Mordecai: HUH!! (THWACK!!)
[Skips, Muscle Man holds Mordecai away from Benson, Fives and Pops next to a comatose Rigby]
Benson: Mordecai, what are you doing?!
Benson: And look where it got him! [points at Rigby] Your friend over there is only gonna get you into trouble!
Mordecai: Huh! Yeah, right! Take advice from Benson about friends since you've got so many of 'em.
Benson: I have friends.
Mordecai: No, you don't. Everyone only hangs out with you because you're a boss! Rigby only wanted to try and win a hat. He doesn't deserve to be in a coma because of it. [walks off]
Benson: Where are you going?
Mordecai: Back to the restaurant.
Benson: Why?!
Mordecai: Because I made a promise to Rigby and I'm gonna keep it. That's what friends do for each other.
[he exits and slams the ward door behind him. The group stays silent for a beat]
Muscle Man: Awkward...

Gut Model [3.9b][edit]

Muscle Man: Good, you're all here. As you probably already know, today marks 5 years I've worked at the park. So in honor of me, we're eating at Fry it Up at 8:00!
Mordecai: Oh, no can do, Muscle Man.
Muscle Man: What? Why not?
Rigby: We already made plans with Margaret and Eileen.
Muscle Man: Pssh, your loss, bros. While you're striking out with some chicks, we'll be scoring some wings! And some chicks! Am I right, Skips?
Skips: Sorry, I can't either. I'm bowling with Pops and Benson.
Pops: Lawn bowling!
Muscle Man: Ugh! Well, it looks like it's just me and you tonight, Fives.
Hi Five Ghost: Oh.
Muscle Man: What?
Hi Five Ghost: Low-Five is graduating from the police academy tonight! He's my brother, I have to go!

Video Game Wizards [3.10a][edit]

Mordecai: Hey, Rigby! I've got good news! [Rigby gasps] I put you down as an alternate.
Rigby: What? Why?
Mordecai: Come on, dude. I'm just trying to win the Glove.
Rigby: Then why did you pick Skips?! He's not even good at video games!
Mordecai: Dude, cool it!
Rigby: Why would you pick Skips over me?! He's horrible at video games!!
Mordecai: No he's not!! [shoves Rigby down the floor; a crowd of people whoop]
Crowd: Cooooooooooool! [Rigby gets up, looks at Mordecai panting angrily]
Mordecai: Rigby, I picked Skips because you're horrible at video games. [closeup on Rigby, shocked]
Rigby: Fine! Forget you, then! I hope you have as much fun winning the Glove as you did losing your best friend. [runs off]
Mordecai: Rigby!! [see Rigby leaving with people blocking the exit]
Skips: I know what you're doing, Mordecai, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in you.
Mordecai: [sighs] Look, Skips, I wanna win the Maximum Glove for me and Rigby to share, but I just can't play with him. He's not good enough at video games to win.
Skips: Mordecai, I know you wanna make Rigby happy by winning that Glove, but are you sure you're going about this the right way?
Mordecai: Don't worry about it. He'll get over it when we win the Glove. Let's go.

Big Winner [3.10b][edit]

Mordecai: (the scene cuts to the Lottery Plaza) Muscle Man, wait!
Muscle Man: What is it?
Mordecai: There's something we need to tell you. The lottery ticket... it's fake. We wanted to get back for pranking us.
Rigby: It just got out of hand! We're sorry.
Muscle Man: It's okay, I'm not mad.
Rigby: Really?
Muscle Man: Nope. I'm furious! (Mordecai and Rigby gasp, then Muscle Man shoves Mordecai and Rigby into the ticket checker and then catapults it over a wall)

The Best Burger in the World [3.11a][edit]

Muscle Man: I already got mine. I could die right now with no regrets. You guys are going to have to take this to your graves. Just wishing you got to taste this Himalayan ketchup. [eats his burger]
Pops: Oh, my! I can taste the Himalayas! [Laughs as Mordecai and Rigby moan]

Replaced [3.11b][edit]

Benson: This party's over! That's right! Beat it! I don't wanna any of your faces here ever again! Ehh, not you two. Mordecai and Rigby, you can get out BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!!
[He camera-flashes in front of both's faces (POASH)]
Rigby: But you were gonna give our jobs away!
Mordecai: We had to do something to stop them from finishing the boats!
Benson: Yeah, and a lot good THAT did you, NOW GET LOST!! YOU'RE FIRED, REMEMBER?!
Rigby: But Benso— (POASH)
Benson: LEAVE! NOW!
Rigby: But— (POASH)
[Benson sighs heavily and recedes down to his normal color hue for a beat]
Benson: Hey, Chad and Jeremy! Looks like positions opened up, so whaddaya say? How would you like a job at the park.
Jeremy: (scoffs) Yeah right! We didn't get degrees at the Institute of Technical Technology to work at some at some crazy job like this.
Chad: Good luck finding two suckers dumb enough to take this job!
[Both activate rocket-installed phones and fly away]
Benson: Chad! Jeremy! Wait! ... But... I...
Mordecai: So.. Benson... Not sure if you're looking, but we know a couple of dumb suckers who are real good at cleaning up pizza parties.
Rigby: REAL good. (POASH)

Trash Boat [3.12a][edit]

The Urge: Trash Boat. We meet at last.

Benson: Hey Trash Boat, pick that up! Name-tags are mandatory on work-time.
Trash Boat (Rigby): What!? But that's only for new employees!
Benson: Exactly. New name, new man. Now put it back on or you're fired!
[Trash Boat grunts, put back on name-tag. Close-up on tag]
Benson: [chuckles] Never gets old.

Trash Boat: Mordecai, I can't take this anymore! I wanna change my name back! Could you please just be a pal and lend me 50 bucks?
Mordecai: 50 bucks? I dunno.. What do you think, Muscle Man?
Muscle Man: I don't think you should do it. I like Trash Boat WAY better than Rigby anyways. It's way easier to make fun of. [gaping his wolf tattoo belly] Isn't that right, Trash Boat?

The Urge: So I came back in time to keep you from changing your name to Trash Boat. BAH KILLING YOU~!!

Fists of Justice [3.12b][edit]

Benson: Hey, what are you guys doing? I thought that was Skips' job.
Mordecai: But we're just...
Benson: You know what? I don't care. Just get it out of here. It's the fire hazard.

Yes Dude Yes [3.13a][edit]

Margaret: YES DUDE YES!

Busted Cart [3.13b][edit]

Benson: MORDECAI, RIGBY, what have I told you about messing with the cart!? If you think— [Mr. Maellard touches his shoulder]
Mr. Maellard: My office. Now.
Mr. Maellard: Do you have any idea how much these carts cost!? I'm not paying park money to fix your mistakes!
Benson: But sir—
Mr. Maellard: BUT NOTHING!!! [Mordecai and Rigby eavesdrop in shock] I could find a new park manager right now if I wanted to.
Benson: Don't worry, sir. The warranty will take care of everything. [Maellard snatches his cue card]
Mr. Maellard: This expires tomorrow afternoon!
Benson: But the dealership's too far away, I'll have to drive all day and night!
Mr. Maellard: Sounds like a personal problem. Get that cart fixed or you're FIRED!!!

[a short while after being pulled over]
Mordecai: Benson, we're sorry!
Rigby: Yeah, the bag wouldn't open and the napkins—
Benson: No! No more! Here's what you guys are gonna do for the rest of the trip — nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don't say anything, don't do anything. Just stop messing things UP.
Rigby: Benson, why do you hate us so much?
Benson: [beat] ..Ughh... I don't hate you guys. I just hate some of things you do. Okay, I really hate some of things you do. I know you don't mean them, but I'm your boss and it's my job to push you to do better.
Mordecai: Is that why Maellard yells at you?
Benson: [laughing hysterically] You guys don't know how easy you haven't! Let's just say his yelling is way worse than mine.
Rigby: But is it worse than his face? [all laugh]
Mordecai: [squeaks] His face.

[in the paramedic ambulance after the dealership]
Mordecai: Well Benson, at least we got the cart to the dealership.
Benson: Yeah, but the truck is totalled.
Rigby: When does the warranty on the truck expire?
Mordecai & Rigby: ROAD TRIIII~P!!

Dead At Eight [3.14a][edit]

Thomas: Warm milk is nothing to me. I want cookies! [sucks cookies] I also love sugar! [sucks sugar bag] It gives me power! [zip-zaps out the kitchen]
Muscle Man: Aw, you toolboxes are hopeless! You couldn't put a kid to bed to save your lives!
Rigby: Well, it's a good thing it's your life at stake then.

Rigby: What do we do?

Mordecai: Okay, little dude, time to go to sleep.
Thomas: No. I refuse!
Mordecai: What the!?
Rigby: Wait, you can talk?
Thomas: Of course I can, I am over 300 years old.
Mordecai: Wait — do your parents know?
Thomas: No, and let's keep it that way! I want to ride this baby thing out for a while longer, and before I slumber, I demand that we play.
Rigby: Well, okay... but you better go to sleep after that.

[reading thru The Hungry Hungry Soul-Sucking Deathworm]
Mordecai: "..And once all the souls were eaten, he took a nice long nap. The end." It's a pretty good book.
Thomas: No, wait — you forgot to pull the last tab.
Mordecai: Uhh...
Mordecai: What's the point? The book's over, dude.
Thomas: If you don't, I won't go to bed!

Death: You know, it's not easy juggling a full-time job and raising a family, so don't expect it to be so easy to get one of your souls back next time — which will be soon. What with Muscle Man entering that hot dog eating contest.
[Muscle Man, Mordecai and Rigby laugh out loud]
Death: Seriously, you're gonna die in a hot dog eating contest. Ta. [enters, closes front doors]
Rigby: Wait, how do we get home?

Access Denied [3.14b][edit]

Ladonna: What is going on here?
Mordecai: [groans] This is why clubs suck! You think you are better than everybody else? There'a a dumb list that no one can get on? That weird baby water? This annoying music?!
Rigby: Actually, I like the music.
Mordecai: And now you're kicking my friend out because he's not wearing the right clothes?! Well, I'm not wearing the right clothes! [He takes off trash bag] I got this stuff out at the trash. Are you gonna kick me out, too? [all gasp] Rigby is not an embarrassment, this Stuck-Up club is an embarrassment.
Ladonna: Well, I am the owner of the Stuck-Up club, and I want you two gone.
Mordecai: What?!
Ladonna: Harvey, Lafayette!

[Harvey and Lafayette grabs Mordecai and Rigby]

Mordecai: W--What? Wait.
Ladonna: Throw these losers out.
Mordecai: No, please! Margaret's waiting for me! I promised I'd dance with her!
Harvey: Not tonight, kid.
Rigby: Let go of me!
Mordecai: No!

[Mordecai sees Margaret dancing]

Mordecai: [gasps] Margaret! [he stomps on Harvey's feet, and he's running after Margaret]
Ladonna: GET THEM!

Muscle Mentor [3.15a][edit]

Mordecai: Benson, you can't do this to people!
Benson: You better shut up or I'll give you a mentor.

Mordecai: Dude, Benson can't stand it when you leave jobs before they're even finished.
Rigby: Oh please, what's he gonna do? [Benson looks behind him]
Mordecai: Dude, stop.
Rigby: Fire me?
Mordecai: [teething] IT'S BENSON!!
Rigby: Yeah, I know it's Benson, that's how it works around here. I don't do my work, and he doesn't do a thing about it. It's a win-win.
Benson: Actually, it's a lose-lose 'CAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!!
Rigby: Whoa, Benson!! I was just messing around! Sorry about that. I'm just gonna go back to work now, okay?
Benson: No, you're not! You're actually fired. I want you outta here.
Rigby: I'm sorry, Benson, it won't happen again!
Mordecai: Can't you give him another chance?!
Pops: [stops by] What's going on here?
Mordecai: Benson just fired Rigby.
Pops: Why? What's the matter, Benson?
Benson: Well, for one, he never finishes his work.
Rigby: That's not true! I always finish my work!
[cut to Rigby playing video games with the vacuum cleaner running past him; whooping on the duck spring rider with his garbage bag and stick laid down; and himself sleeping with the hose still running]
Rigby: Okay, so... maybe I don't always finish my work, but... you never told me how to! How am I suppose to do something I don't even know how to do?!
Benson: I don't know! If you haven't figured it out already, you're not gonna figure it out anytime soon. I want you outta here!!

Muscle Man: Rigbaby, repeat lessons one and two.
Rigby: Lesson one... is stay calm. Lesson two... is be cool.
Muscle Man: Stay cool.
Rigby: Yeah, stay cool.
Muscle Man: Alright. Forget those two lessons!
Rigby: WHAT!!?
Muscle Man: Lesson three is the only lesson that matters. Lesson three... is never quit. You say it.
Rigby: Never quit.
Muscle Man: What?
Rigby: Never quit!
Muscle Man: I'm sorry, did you say something, Rigbaby?
Rigby: I said never quit!!
[Muscle Man starts on the mower at high volume]
Muscle Man: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!
Rigby: NEVER QUIT!!!
Rigby: NEVER QUIT!!!!!

Trucker Hall of Fame [3.15b][edit]

Muscle Man: We're here today because my dad put a cactus under a cop in a bear costume, who turned out to be an actual bear. [starts freaking out, wreaks havoc]
Mordecai: Muscle Man! [runs with Rigby to comfort him] It's okay, it's okay!
Muscle Man: You're right! You're right! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm okay. My dad might not have been the best pranker in the world... but he was the best trucker in the world. And that hat was his crown. That's why this urn is filled with the ashes of his hat. As the ultimate Father's Day tribute, I'm gonna help my dad fulfil his final wish by spreading the ashes of his hat at the Trucker Hall of Fame.
Benson: Guys, I'd like you to go with Muscle Man to help him spread those hat ashes.
Mordecai: What? Why can't Hi-Five Ghost go with him?
Benson: Hi-Five Ghost doesn't deal well with this sort of thing. [cuts to Fives outside the window crying]
Mordecai: Okay, we'll go with him.
Benson: Thanks. Just make sure to watch after him. If Muscle Man can't spread those hat ashes and get some closure, he may never be the same again.
Muscle Man: [twirling suit, chugs soda on the couch] WOO-HOO!! WOO!! [chucks soda at the wall, runs off] WOOO!!!

Muscle Man: [reads] "Son, if you're reading this, you punched my face and freaked out in the field by the rest stop where I faked that picture. I'm sorry for pranking you all these years..."
Muscle Dad: [writing on his forklift] "...especially about being a trucker. The world is a harsh place, and I only did it to toughen you up for when I'm gone. Now you know the truth — you aren't a Muscle Boy anymore."
Trucker: Muscle Dad! We need those loads now!
Muscle Dad: Yes, sir! Right away!
Trucker: And take off that hat! You ain't worthy of it. [they leave, Muscle Dad takes off his hat and continues writing]
Muscle Dad: "So please, drive to the highest point of the Trucker Hall of Fame, and spread my hat ashes over those stuck-up jerks. It's my final prank from beyond the grave. But if you hate me too much to do it, I understand."

Out of Commission [3.16a][edit]

Bartender: And stay out!

Bartender: This is the Decent Family establishment. don't need you, Low life's messing things up.

Fancy Resturant [3.16b][edit]

Muscle Man: Oh, no, bro!

Gene: Whoa whoa whoa.
Katherine: We're unarmed.

Diary [3.17a][edit]

The Best VHS in the World [3.17b][edit]

Movie Shack Hut Guy: Let's see what we got here. ["Ciao Chow"] Ooh, great director. ["Future War 4"] Ah, that's a good one. ["Re-Exploder"] "Pre-Exploder" was better. ["Let Me Axe You Something – Formatted to fit your TV"] Huh?? What the heck, man? Pan and scan?! Dude, Letterbox! Always!!

MSH Guy: Look, you guys need to return the tape and pay the late fee.
Rigby: But we can't afford a late fee!
Mordecai: Yeah, and what if we can't find it?
MSH Guy: [grunts, grabs a pair of scissors] Then you leave me no choice. [about to snip their membership card]
Mordecai & Rigby: STOP!!!
MSH Guy: Why should I?
Rigby: All we have is a VCR and you're the only place in town that still rents tapes!
MSH Guy: Oh, yeah — all those other places upgraded to D-V-D!!
Mordecai: Dude, we'll find it! I think I remember where it is suddenly!
MSH Guy: Hmmph...
MSH Guy: [groans] Fine, but it's only because you dudes appreciate superior video formats. Get it back here A.S.A.P. and I won't cancel your membership. I'll even wave the fee.
Rigby: You won't regret this!
MSH Guy: I'd better not! Or you'll never rent a tape here EVER AGAIN!!

Rigby: Aw, there's my buttcheek pants! [sigh] But no VHS.

MSH Guy: Dude, the game has been changed. I want that tape back by 9. My manager's doing inventory after we close, and he'll call the collections agency if he finds out it's missing.
Mordecai: What would it cost to just replace the tape?
MSH Guy: You're not going to like it.
Mordecai: Dude, just tell me!
MSH Guy: One.. thousand.. dollars.
MSH Guy: It's a RARE out-of-print VHS! A piece of film history!
Mordecai: It's a piece alright.
MSH Guy: Just find it by tonight. I hear those guys break thumbs.

Benson: I'm going to need bigger mousetraps.

Mordecai: This is all your fault! It was your idea to rent "The Best VHS in the World"!

Mordecai: Give us back the tape!
Gnome: I'll never give you "The Best VHS in the World"! IT'S MY FAVORITE!!

Prankless [3.18a][edit]

Muscle Man: It's not over till I say it's over!

Death Bear [3.18b][edit]

Fuzzy Dice [3.19a][edit]

Benson: As you guys may or may not know, it's Pops' birthday tomorrow. I was planning on getting him something nice from the arts and crafts fair last Saturday, but... nothing really stood out. Has anybody gotten him anything yet?
Muscle Man: [beat] No.
Benson: Why am I not surprised? [pulls cap off of marker] Ideas? Anybody?
Muscle Man: How about one of them Jeff Forgeman grills?
Benson: That's actually not a bad idea, but Pops has been watching his cholesterol. Doctor's orders. What else?
Skips: How about we get him some new gardening tools?
Benson: Well, maybe. It's just, he gets new gardening tools all the time.
Mordecai: What about some horseback riding lessons?
Benson: Please tell me you're joking.
Mordecai: Well, no. Isn't he into that?
Benson: Don't you remember? That's the exact same gift we got him last year.
Rigby: Pshh!
Mordecai: Don't "pshh" me! I don't hear you coming up with anything.
Rigby: Yeah, but at least I didn't say the same thing that we got him last year!

[Mordecai and the group stop the Capicola Gang at their tracks]
Mordecai: Give us back our dice! We won 'em fair and square!
Bear Leader: There's no way you're getting these dice. Now get outta the way before somebody gets hurt!
Benson: What could you possibly want with fuzzy dice?
Louie: Well, ten years ago, we knocked over at big city jewelers, and we made off with millions worth of uncut diamonds. [points to dice] And those diamonds are in those dice.
Bear Leader: [thwacks Louie] Shut up, Louie!
Benson: I remember reading about that. That was you?
Bear Leader: Yeah, that's right. We've been laying low for ten long years waiting for the statute of limitations on grand theft larceny to run out. And it was supposed to end tonight at midnight.
Duck: Mm-hmm. Until you clowns came along and ruined everything.
Rigby: Can't we just have the dice without the diamonds?
Bear Leader: It's too late. And you know too much.
Duck: Mm-hmm.

Sugar Rush [3.19b][edit]

Benson: If you pass them out before the meeting, you're fired, got it?
Mordecai: Yeah, no problem.
Benson: Good. Now what do I just tell you?
Rigby: Get the donuts and don't pass them out, or else we're fired.
Benson: And?
Mordecai: Oh, and you want a whole wheat donut.
Benson: Good. Maybe you are ready for more responsibility. Now go get the donuts.
Mordecai and Rigby: (Gets out of chairs and start rapping) D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts, donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d--
Benson: Just buy the donuts or you're fired!

Bad Kiss [3.20a][edit]

Margaret: (Mordecai walk to Margaret's car, and looks around for his personal item which turns out to be his wallet, Margaret has followed him to the car to check up on him) What's up?
Mordecai: I can't find my wallet.
Margaret: Oh, let's see... (She also joins Mordecai in the car, helping him look for his wallet, then she leans over the seat) Did you check the glove compartment?
Mordecai: Yeah, I checked there... (They realize that they are close to one another once again) alrerady...
Margaret: Oh, ha...
Mordecai: Ha. (They stare at each other, Mordecai glups, an leans in with Margaret joining in, and they kiss. Then Margaret opens her eyes and looks disgusted, and pushes Mordecai away) Oh, sorry, I shouldn't--
Margaret: No, it's fine. It's just--
Mordecai: What?
Margaret: Your breath is really bad...
Mordecai: Ahh! Oh, my Gosh. (Reaches for the door handle to get out of the car)
Margaret: Wait, no! It's--
Mordecai: I'm sorry! (He exits out of the car to run back into the house) I'm sorry!
Margaret: Mordecai!

Season 4[edit]

Exit 9B [4.1][edit]

(After Thomas fetches the coffee for Garrett Bobby Ferguson Jr., he yells at him)

Garrett Bobby Ferguson Jr.: Thomas, stop thinking about things and bring us the coffee already! (to Garrett Bobby Ferguson) Kid's worthless am I right?

(Thomas yells and throws coffee at Garrett Bobby Ferguson Jr.'s face. Enraged, he kicks Thomas off the freeway)

Park workers and Gary: Thomas!!

Terror Tales of the Park II [4.3][edit]

Margaret: Hey! He's passing a movie theatre, Driver, Stop the bus! Let us off, Stop the bus!
Margaret: Ugh!, Mordecai the bus isn't stopping!
Mordecai: You don't looks so good man.
Rigby: Yeah, How long get been here?

Rigby: "Once upon a time, Benson was so dumb."

Mordecai: Let our friends go and then get out of our house!

Firework Run [4.11][edit]

[Benson just arrived witnessing all Fourth of July fireworks blow up and confronts the group in a rage fit]
Muscle Man: We were just—
Muscle Man: Just hang on now, Benson! I know this looks bad, but I can fix it!
Muscle Man: I know! I know! Just hear me out! I know a guy who's got the hookup on cheap fireworks.
Muscle Man: Benson, trust me. This guy's stuff is quality. I'll pay for it out of my own pocket!
Benson: All right, fine! But if you guys aren't back before the show starts at sundown, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Benson: All right, you guys. Somehow, you managed to top last year's firework show, so I guess I'm not gonna fire you.
All Four: Yeah! / Alright!
Benson: In fact, I'm putting you four in charge of a very special job.
Rigby: Oh, cool! What special job?
[he and Skips leave. Muscle Man turns to the group]
Muscle Man: Don't worry. I know a guy who's got the hookup on real cheap sod.

Caveman [4.17][edit]

Benson: Who is that?
Mordecai: He's our new friend. Dancing caveman.
Benson: Caveman? No, no. No way. I'm not having a caveman at the park. We aren't insured for it.
Mordecai: What?! That's not fair!
Rigby: Yeah, we can't just get rid of him!
Benson: A caveman cannot fit into this modern world.
[Caveman squeezes a ketchup bottle and mustard bottle into his mouth and he throw the bottles at Benson, who blocks them with the clipboard]
Benson: See?!
Mordecai: But he's one of us now!
Benson: Really? What's his name?
Mordecai & Rigby: Uh...
Benson: Get rid of him!
Rigby: But he'll die out there alone! Come on, Benson.
Mordecai & Rigby: Please?
Caveman: Ben... son?
Benson: ...Fine. You have a week to get him civilized.
Mordecai & Rigby: Nice!
Mordecai: Thanks, Benson.
Benson: But if he isn't up to park standards in a week, I'm calling the pound!! [leaves]
Mordecai: We're gonna need some help.

A Bunch of Full Grown Geese [4.19][edit]

Mordecai: Benson, something's gotta be done about those geese! Pops is locked in his room crying!
Benson: Yeah, we've been getting complaints. They're highly territorial war-like birds. Luckily, I got a couple guys who'll be takin' care of the problem.
Both: Dude, awesome!
Rigby: Who is it?
Benson: Couple of guys named Mordecai and Rigby.
Both: What?!!
Mordecai: Maybe you don't understand, Benson, these geese — they're terrifying.
Rigby: Terrifying!
Benson: I don't wanna hear it! DO IT OR YOU'RE FIRED!!
Rigby: Man, you always say that! You're all talk, Benson.
Both: WAHHH!!!

Limousine Lunchtime [4.21][edit]

Benson: All right, Mr. Maellard gets back from vacation today, so I need you guys to clean the limousine.
Rigby: Why don't we just wait till it rains? That's how I clean myself.
Benson: [beat] I want it looking as good as new when he comes back this afternoon. That means washed, waxed and detailed, got it?
Rigby: Yeah, yeah, we got it.
Mordecai: So where are the keys?
Benson: Oh, you mean these keys?
Mordecai: Yeah.
Benson: Oh, no. I'll be holding on to these.
Rigby: Aw, what? How're we gonna listen to the radio then?
Benson: Your job isn't listening to the radio, it's to clean the car. Do it before Mr. Maellard gets back or you're fired! [leaves]
Rigby: Great, no radio. This is gonna be so BOORRIIIIING!!!

Picking up Margaret [4.22][edit]

Mordecai: Uh... (Margaret turns) Nothing. Sorry. See you. (Margaret sighs and kisses Mordecai)
Margaret: See you soon.
Mordecai: Uh...bye. (leaves, starts dancing, then sees Benson's car being towed)

Margaret: Wait, are you sure you want to give me a ride and not because you bet someone you could or-
Mordecai: What? (scoffs) Come on, when have I- (points at Rigby) Be quiet.

Season 5[edit]

Laundry Woes [5.1][edit]

Mordecai: Dude, Margaret's important to me. I can't just forget her.
Rigby: Okay, okay. You don't have to forget her, but you have to get over her for real. Staying like this is messed up, and is messing you up. I want my friend back.
Mordecai: Well, if you were a real friend, you'd understand.
Rigby: I am your friend. You would realize that, if you weren't such a sad sack chump!
Mordecai: That's it!
(Mordecai stops the car and pushes Rigby out of the car and drives away)
Rigby: Ah, man! (Rigby sighs and starts running after him)

Benson's Car [5.3][edit]

[after Jack ask V.I.C.K.I. to shut down arm cannon, then he shoots Mordecai and Rigby, then Benson pushing Mordecai and Rigby for saving their lives, and destroyed his car]
Jack: Whoo! Bummer about your car, man! At least that explosion was pretty awesome. Totally satisfied my violent urges, you know what I'm saying? Hey, can I get the other 250 bucks?
Benson: POLICE!!!
Jack: Brain check. Got it, Brah. [Police get Jack, then he acrobat backwards into the bushes]
Benson: GRRAHHHHH... YOU!!!!!
Mordecai: Thanks for saving us, Benson!
Rigby: Yeah, thanks, man!
Benson: Damage to the house, damage to my car — my bus fare for the NEXT MONTH!!! YOU'RE PAYING FOR ALL OF IT!!!!
[Mordecai and Rigby groan, then Benson leaves]
Rigby: He didn't say to clean up this mess, but--
Mordecai: [sighs] Yeah, let's get started.
Rigby: Oh Mordecai, check this out.
[they both lift up the sparkling unscathed windshield, with Muscle Man and Fives passing by]
Muscle Man: Told you my guy was good.

Every Meat Burritos [5.4][edit]

(finish this quote)
Jimbros: Jimbros Burritos! Jimbros Burritos! Jimbros Burritos! Jimbros Burritos!
Jimbo: We are the Jimbros! Jimbo!
Jimmy: Jimmy!
Jim: Jim!
Jimbo: Introducing our new Every Meat Burrito! It's got every meat! Beef!
Jimmy: Bacon!
Jim: Crow!
Jimbo: [???]
Jimmy: [???]
Jim: [???]
Jimbo: Puffin!
Jimmy: Crustacean!
Jim: [???]
Jimbo: And every other!

Benson: No way. The last time I let you borrow my car you totaled it. DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY?!? [shuts door]
Rigby: [to Mordecai] You just had to take Margaret to the airport, didn't ya?
Mordecai: Uuuuugh...! Somebody's gotta have a car.

Wall Buddy [5.5][edit]

Mordecai: Oh, hey, Benson. Hey Skips.
Benson: You want to explain why my phone is LEAKING?!?!
Mordecai: Oh — sorry, Benson!
Rigby: Yeah, we must to give it back, but then a bunch of... different stuff... happened.
Benson: Different stuff?! You mean like the garbage that's all over this room?!
Mordecai & Rigby: Uhh...
Benson: This place is a BIOHAZARD!! I want both of you to clean it up NOW!!!
Mordecai: Both of us?! Rigby's the one who's the slob! Look it his chimichanga! [slush]
Skips: He's not wrong.
Rigby: Well, Mordecai even worse! Look at his junk at the corner! [no junk near Mordecai's bed]
Mordecai: Dude, that's my bed!
Benson: I don't care who's responsible! But you're gonna have to clean this room if you want to keep living here FOR FREE!!!!

Rigby: Now before you say anything, we DID do what you said.
Mordecai: Yeah.. we cleaned up Rigby's— I mean.. OUR mess. So you can't fire us.
Rigby: Immunity, son!
Benson: So who can I fire for ALL THE DAMAGE YOU TWO DID TO THE PARK??!!?
[Mordecai and Rigby point to each other]

Terror Tales of the Park III [5.8][edit]

Rigby: Hm. Hm. So easy.


Rigby: Done! [the bed rustles]


[Rigby frantically hammers his bed]


Rigby: Done! Thanks for your help, Skips.
Skips: Yeah, don't mention it.

Benson: Rigby, you're getting ALL the promotions.
Rigby: YES!!


Muscle Man: Wait, did he just say Rigby was getting ALL the promtio—


Jebediah Townhouse: Yo yo! Ice t' meetcha fool!

Jebediah Townhouse: What's cooking Home Skillet?

Jebediah Townhouse: Oh Yeah?, Well, Why you on the Grill?

Jebediah Townhouse: Yeah!, Stick it up to the Max!

Townsman 1: Get down here Jebediah townhouse, so that we can kill you, you witch!
Townsman 2: Come now, there's no need for harsh words. Brother Townhouse, please come here so that we may kill you.

Jebediah Townhouse: Happy Halloween homies!

The Postcard [5.17][edit]

Benson: Mordecai, Rigby, another issue of Fart Weekly magazine came today, which I distinctly remembered telling you not to get set here! They're flooding the mailbox!
Rigby: Relax, man! It's natural.
Mordecai: Rigby's right. It's not healthy to hold it in.
Benson: Ugh! Just cancel it already!
Muscle Man: Yo, is my tax return in there?
Benson: No. But Fives, this came for you. Now all of you stop eating donuts and get back to work!

Wes: So, Low, what's with all the clowns? Is the circus in town or something?!

Rigby in the Sky with Burrito [5.18][edit]

Jumpin' Jim: Okay, when you're in the air, you wanna stay focus. There's only a limited time frame. (Rigby takes out a burrito) Woah, son, what are you doing?!
Rigby: Eating a burrito!
Jumpin' Jim: No! No snacks on my fan! (He and Rigby are struggling for the burrito)
Mordecai: Rigby!
(Rigby and Jumpin' Jim continue to struggle for the burrito until he accidentally drops it into the fan, and it splatters all over their faces, then Jumpin' Jim throws Mordecai and Rigby out)
Jumpin' Jim: Stay out of my school, AND STAY OUT OF MY SKY!

Mordecai: Rigby changed his name to Trash Boat once.
Rigby: Stop talking!

Journey to the Bottom of the Crash Pit [5.19][edit]

Benson: Alright listen up, we've gotten some complaints about the huge sinkhole in the park.
Mordecai: Sinkhole? You mean the Crash Pit?
Muscle Man: You're talking smack about the Crash Pit, bro?
Benson: Yes. It's a potential liability and we're not properly insured for it. It has to be filled immediately
Mordecai and Muscle Man: Aw, what?
Rigby: Aw, no way!
Muscle Man: Come on Benson, you can't fill up the Crash Pit.
Rigby: Can't we just put up more warning signs or something?
Benson: No! I think called a "Crash Pit" shouldn't be even at the park in the first place.
Rigby: What if we call it a "small hole"?


Mordecai: Aw, man. Dead end.
Rigby: Well, we tried. Let's go back.
Mordecai: No, Rigby. We can't leave without the camera.
Rigby: Dude, forget this. The camera's gone and we're running out of time. Benson's probably gonna fill up the hole before we even get back! Then we'll be trapped!
Muscle Man: Easy, bro! The dark is messing with your head. Now just calm down.
Rigby: Don't touch me! I can't breathe! Dark spaces! Need air!
Rigby on the camera: DAAWIHHHHAHAIAHAHAAAAAHH!!!!!
Muscle Man: (laughing) That sound never gets old.
Rigby: That wasn't me.
Rigby on the camera: DAAWIHHHHAHAIAHAHAAAAAHH!!!!!
Mordecai: Wait. It IS you, but... on the camera.

Return of Mordecai and the Rigbys [5.23][edit]

Paint Job [5.31][edit]

Rigby: Dude, that was like really close this time!
Mordecai: Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of the tension in -- oh hey, Benson.
Benson: AAAHHHHHH!!! DID YOU PUT PIZZA ALL OVER THIS HOUSE!?!? DON'T DENY IT!! I SAW YOU!! I SAW YOU PUT PIZZA ALL OVER THIS HOUSE!! And you, you're just as guilty! You'll think I didn't see the whole thing! Guess what, you -- WHAT!!? You're cleaning it too, don't worry!! GHAHH!! [angrily punches pouch] YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!!?
[clock wipe]
[2nd clock wipe]
Mordecai: [sigh] Alright, let's get this over with.

[after missile explodes Benson's car]
Mordecai: Oh man... your car!
Benson: Car? What car? I don't SEE any car! Maybe it's invisible! Kind of like the checks I'LL BE PAYING YOU WITH FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS!!!! [walks to invisibly camouflaged house] AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOUSE!?!?
Mordecai: Yeah... about that....

Take the Cake [5.32][edit]

Benson: All right, time for your assignments. Skips, set up the table. Muscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost, go buy balloons. Mordecai and Rigby, you're picking up the cake.
Rigby: Really?
Benson: Yup, it's prepaid and everything. All you have to do is pick it up. Just give them the receipt and bring the cake back. That's it.
Rigby: Aww, yeah!
Both: Pickin' up the cake, pickin' up the cake!
Pickin' up the cake, gonna do it great!
Benson: Just pick up the cake and try not to ruin my big day.
Mordecai: I though it was Maellard's day.

Benson: Did I not make myself perfectly clear?! Papa eagle is out there and NO CAKE AND NO GUESTS!! What PART of "surprise party" do you NOT UNDERSTAND?!
Mordecai: It'll be fine! We just had a few setbacks. There was this angry woman...
Rigby: And these shaggy-looking business guys...
Mordecai: But C.J. and Eileen helped us to make this better cake. It's just a little too big to get out the door.
Rigby: But now we got this teleporter, so--
Benson: Are you kidding me?! I've had this whole surprise party planned out, AND NOW THERE'S NO SURPRISE!!!
Rigby: But the teleporter--
Benson: FORGET THE TELEPORTER!!! [Benson snatches the teleporter]
Mordecai: No! We can still save the party!
[The three wrestle over the device teleporter which finally goes off and the teleports the cake and everyone else out of the room]

Season 6[edit]

New Bro On Campus [6.02][edit]

Terror Tales of the Park IV [6.04-05][edit]


Muscle Man: So I said, "That's not your back scratcher..."
Everyone: " ...That's my toothbrush!" [laughing]

[Rigby feeds tea to Pops]

Pops: Say, where did you get this wonderful tea?
Mordecai: Oh, well... This is actually kind of embarrassing but, uh... We were able to leave the park and nothing bad happened. [sips tea]
Benson: Turns out the fog was all in our minds. It was really more of a psychological, existential kind of fog.
Skips: I guess you could say the fog represented our fear of the outside world.
Pops: Well, how about that?
Everyone: [laughing]

Mordecai: You're dead, dude.
Benson: What?!
Rigby: Yeah, man. Don't you remember?

[In another flashback, Benson hangs Halloween decorations on a ladder at the top of the stairs. Mordecai, holding up the beast mask, and Rigby walk up]

Mordecai: Benson, look at this mask!
Benson: Aah!

[Benson falls down the stairs and dies. His ghost leaves his body]

Rigby (voice-over): You've been haunting the house for months.

[Benson's ghost scares Rigby while he's eating cereal. When Rigby screams, Benson flees as if he's also scared. The same happens with Mordecai while he's carrying a box up the stairs. Cut to Mordecai and Rigby in the hallway, with Rigby trying to open a bottle of soda]

Rigby: No, dude. It's "lefty locky, righty relaxy".
Mordecai: That doesn't even rhyme!

[Benson's ghost appears again. It sees Mordecai and Rigby and moans in fright as he leaves. The flashback ends]

Benson: Then what are you guys doing here? You've ruined my office!
Mordecai: We're not in your office. This is our office.
Rigby: We got promoted!
Mordecai: And this isn't our office. [screen zooms out from Mordecai's face] It's a cemetery.

[Lightning strikes as Mordecai points down]

Mordecai: And that's your grave!

[Cut to Benson's tombstone, which reads "R.I.P. BENSON. 'YOU'RE FIRED'". Benson falls to his knees next to his tombstone]


Warewolf:(from behind the door) Package delivery.
Hellen: It's a trick. Leave it on the doorstep!
Werewolf: Uh... It needs a signature.
Hellen: Oh, well, in that case... [She walks toward the door]
CJ: Wait!
Hellen: But it could be my special-order legwarmers! I don't want to have to go pick them up at the warehouse.

[Hellen opens the door, and there's no one there]

Werewolf: I'm back here, in the bushes.
Hellen: Oh, okay. [She approaches the bushes] I don't have a pen on me.

[A pair of clawed hands reach out and pull Hellen into the bushes. She screams]

Freddy: Hey! She's my ride home, buddy!

[Freddy runs out and jumps into the bushes. There are sounds of growling and tearing]

Eileen: Oh, no! Inmate!
Wyatt: [He pulls off the straitjacket and laughs] I'm not an inmate. My name's Wyatt. I'm just here for a haircut.
Mordecai: Why would you come to a mental asylum for a haircut?
Wyatt: Well, my barber told me to meet him here. Hmm. Made sense at the time.

Eileen: And somehow this just got creepier.

[Mordecai, Rigby, CJ, and Eileen run toward the window, but Wyatt stops]

Eileen: Come on, Wyatt! What are you waiting for?!
Wyatt: [He looks at his reflection in a mirror] He might not be trying to kill us. And I really need a haircut...
Mordecai: What?! You look fine! Let's just go!
Wyatt: [He backs up into the hallway] No. He might be cool. I'm gonna chance it! [He runs toward the barber]
Eileen: Wyatt, no!

[Wyatt and the barber's shadows are cast on the wall]

Barber: What'll it be, sir?
Wyatt: Just a little off the top.
Barber: You got it! [laughing maniacally]

[Wyatt's severed head rolls into the morgue]

Wyatt: How does it look?

[Mordecai, Rigby, CJ, and Eileen scream]

Wyatt: Oh, come on. It's not that bad, is it?

Kimiko: You must be very lonely. Everyone is afraid of you because you're different. You just want someone to play with.

[The schoolgirl on the seesaw cries tears and smiles. She stands up and joins hands with Kimiko]

Kimiko: I will play with you! Our friendship will be a butterfly floating on the breeze of--

[The schoolgirl's mouth covers Kimiko's body and she eats her whole. She looks at Mordecai and the others]

School Girl Villain: Do you want to play too?

Eileen: Wake up, Eileen! Wake up!
CJ: I'll never forgive you for playing this movie, Rigby!
Rigby: Hey, I thought it would be fun!

Eileen: No lightning can resist metal!

[Eileen sticks the metal sheet in the ground, and the ball lightning's zap is attracted to it like a lightning rod. Eileen gets zapped]

Eileen: Okay, that kinda hurt.
Rigby: Eileeeeeen!

Rigby: You guys okay?
Mordecai: (coughing and groaning) Yeah.
Eileen: I gotta admit, that movie was pretty cool.
CJ: Yeah, but not as cool as ball lightning fusing all of our butt cheeks together.
Rigby: Huh?

[The screen zooms out to show that Mordecai, Rigby, CJ, and Eileen have been fused together at the butt cheeks. Mordecai, CJ, and Eileen laugh]


Mordecai: This is where your mom lives?
Benson: Are you suprised?

Muscle Man's Mom: You know who else likes scaring people? Me!

The End of Muscle Man [6.06][edit]

[after Muscle Man proposed to Starla and start kissing]
Mordecai: Wait, so Muscle Man was fine this whole time?
Muscle Man: I'm as healthy as can be.
Rigby: Then what was all the stuff with Dr. Henry?
Muscle Man: I just had to make sure I was fit enough to keep up with this she-lion. Thanks a ton, you guys, for helping me finish my bucket list.
Hi-Five Ghost: Do you even know what you put us through?!
Mordecai: Yeah, Muscle Man! We all thought you were gonna die!
Muscle Man: What are you talking about, bro?
Rigby: You had an appointment with Death!
Benson: You had to get your papers in order?!
Muscle Man: My toilet papers. I had to fold 'em into little triangles so my place would look nice for the after-party.
Death: [enters] And I'm only here to deliver his aunt's ring from the underworld.
Mordecai: Not cool, Muscle Man.
Muscle Man: Oh, come on! This is textbook engagement story. You shed your bachelor self before you get married and be a husband. All that death stuff was a metaphor.
Muscle Man: Ohhh. Oh, I see what you're saying. Sorry about that.
Rigby: Next time you die, you're on your own! That is completely uncool.
[everyone leaves disgusted, save for Benson]
Benson: You owe me $12,000. [leaves]
Muscle Man: [at Hi-Five Ghost] You get it, don't you, bro?
Hi-Five Ghost: [beat, smiles] Best proposal ever!

The Real Thomas [6.09-10][edit]

Benson: Guys, it finally happened. I met the perfect girl! Her name is Natalie, and she's a preschool teacher. I'll be showing her around the park today. So your only duties are to leave us alone. Just leave me and Natalie alone, people!
[Rigby raises his hand]
Benson: No, you can't use the bathroom, Rigby.
Rigby: That's not what I was gonna s—
Mordecai: Y'know, Rigby has a point. What about Audrey?
Benson: We broke up. Remember?
[Everyone can't remember this]
Pops: I don't recall.
Benson: I was sad for months? I loafed around the house?
[Everyone can't remember this either]
Benson: [scoffs] Muscle Man and Pops, you took me to get ice cream! Skips, you made me train for that marathon! In fact, all you guys had a role in my lengthy healing process!
Skips: I don't remember any of this.
[Benson goes full red-hot rage]
Benson: SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS!!! Today is Thomas' last day. Now keep this under wraps, guys, 'cause I want to surprise him. At the end of the day, I'm offering Thomas a full-time job!
[Everyone cheers except Rigby]

Thomas: Hey, guys! Got the coffee. Wait... What are all you doing behind the house? You don't have anymore surprises on my last day, do you?
[Everyone except Rigby laughs]
Muscle Man: Man, you don't even know!
Thomas: Ah, let's see... [focus on the red duffle bag]
Rigby: That's the duffle bag he had last night!
Thomas: Let's see, got a triple esspresso—
[Rigby jumps over Thomas, spilling the coffee and taking the duffle bag. Everyone gasps]
Rigby: This is gonna prove it!
Benson: Thomas, you okay?
[Rigby opens the bag to find white laundry]
Thomas: That's just my dirty laundry, dude.
Muscle Man: Totally uncalled for, bro.
Rigby: But... it wasn't a dream! I'm onto you, Thomas! [runs off]
Thomas: ...What just happened?

Benson: What're you guys doing here?! And what room is this? What's all this stuff?
Rigby: We don't know, but we're pretty sure Thomas has something to do with it. There was a guy in the cupboard, and we're pretty sure he did that too!
Mordecai: I think we stumbled on something really big.
Benson: What guy? What are you talking a—?
[Natalie enters the room, clapping slowly]
Natalie: [Russian accent] I know you Americans love the ironic slow clap.
Benson: Natalie? What's with the accent? What is all this?
Natalie: I am not Natalie! I am... Natalia! And I am not lowly preschool teacher! I am Russian spy!
Mordecai & Rigby: Whoa!
Natalia: So clever, you Americans — only took two years to figure out things at park were not what they seem. And I am not only one right under your ignorant noses. One of your own has been conspiring against you.
Benson: What?! Who would do that?! Natalie, you're acting crazy!
Natalia: Oh, sweet Benson. Why don't you let him tell you yourself? Nicolai!!
[Thomas enters the room. Benson, Mordecai and Rigby gasp]
Benson: Thomas, why'd you step out when she called for "Nicolai"?
Thomas: [Russian accent] Because my name is not Thomas. It is Nicolai. And I am Russian spy.

Rigby: Oohhh! Now we're off the hook! And guess who didn't believe me? You, and you, and you, and-
[Natalia punches Rigby in the arm]
Natalia: Silence, rat!

[Natalia falls off the helicopter, screaming, and gets swallowed by a whale]
Benson: Natalie!
Mordecai: Dude, she tried to kill us!
Benson: I think we could've worked it out.

Benson's Suit [6.20][edit]

Benson: [woefully burying his stained suit] Suit, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me feel... [eats chicken wing] alive, full of... power, full of strong...ness! To you, suit—may we meet again in the next life.

Benson: This is either a miracle or I've gone insane. But who cares? I look good!
Suit: [spoke] "You sure do, Benson."
Benson: Thanks. Wha?! Who said that?!
Suit: "It's me, Benson, the suit."
Benson: You... can talk?
Suit: "I can do many things."
Benson: Why didn't you say anything before now?
Suit: "I wanted to be certain that you were worthy. Incompetence aside, you showed me that you cared about me when you tried to clean that stain. I was created for a dark purpose, Benson. To be a status symbol for evil men—evil, mysterious, powerful, handsome, wealthy men. But after these last few days, I've realised that I would rather be worn by someone with absolutely none of those qualities. I want to live a simple life as the suit of a simple man. You are that man, Benson."
Benson: Cool.
Suit: "I'll never leave you, Benson. Also, if you're interested, I have a few ideas for keeping Mordecai and Rigby in line."
Benson: Let's go manage a park.

1000th Chopper Flight Party [6.21][edit]

[Mordecai looks out and sees CJ on the ground, looking devastated]

Mordecai: [gasps] Uh, I can't be here, I-I gotta hang with CJ. [takes off his seat belt and stands up] CJ, hi! [the chopper jerks, making Mordecai lose balance and fall on Margaret's lap]
CJ: (angrily) Oh, come on! Did you think I wouldn't find out, that you could just make a fool of me forever?! [Turns into a full on storm cloud and flies towards the chopper] This is the LAST TIME! [As CJ threatens, the camera crew is recording the whole thing]

Season 7[edit]

The Dome Experiment [7.05][edit]

Benson: And Mordecai and Rigby, let's have you pick up trash by the snack bar.
Rigby: Ugh! Again?
Benson: Don't worry, this is the last time you'll be on trash duty for a while.
Mordecai: Awesome! Wait, we're not getting another intern, are we? Because I don't think I can handle another spy situation.
Benson: No, I've actually got some very big news about your dome-estic situation! (everybody stares at him) Hopefully it won't cause any pan-dome-onium! (everybody continues to stare) Dome you have any ideas about what's going to happen? (everybody is still staring) No one, huh? Well, since I have to spell it out for you, Maellard's decided to seal off the park in a dome to create a contained ego-system! A group of scientists from the government are going to study it for a whole month!
Muscle Man: Bro, have would we ever have guessed that?
Mordecai: A whole month? Where are we supposed to go?
Benson: You'll have to move out, the dome's dropping tomorrow! Isn't that exciting?
Pops: Why aren't you more upset about the inconvenience?
Benson: Because I don't live at the park.
Skips: So we can stay at your place?
Benson: Heh, well, my place, while officially a one bedroom, (the wind starts blowing strong) feels more like a studio. So there isn't really any room! (he looks up and sees a dome coming down onto the park)
Hi Five Ghost: It's not tomorrow! It's today! They're sealing the park today!

The Return of Party Horse [7.10][edit]

Mordecai: We did it dude! We mowed the entire lawn with out taking a single break! You wanna go get some lunch?
Rigby: Aw yea-uh, I do! Nothing on Earth's gonna stop us from getting some lunch! Huh?

(They see a spacecraft falling out of the sky and lands on the lawn, creating a big hole)

Mordecai and Rigby: Party Horse! (They walk towards it as they chant) Party, party, party, party, party, par... (the spacecraft opens) Huh?
Party Horse 42699: (sniffles) Oh, Chrissy! (cries; Scene cuts to the house where he is lying on the couch and Mordecai and Rigby standing there) UUUUUUGGGHHH!
Mordecai: Dude, what happened to you?
Party Horse 42699: Chrissy happened, man, she dumped me, and she'll probably never talk to me again.
Rigby: That's rough, man. What went wrong?
Party Horse 42699: Augh! It's all her dad's fault. He always telling her my partying is "compulsive" and that i'm a "danger to myself and others." I tried to talk to my bros on Party Horse Planet for advice, but they just duct tape me to a flagpole and put my underwear down. After that, I came to Earth hoping you dudes can help me.
Mordecai and Rigby: Wooooaaaaahhhh...
Mordecai: Uh, don't worry, dude, we'll help you get your girlfriend back.
Party Horse 42699: You will?
Mordecai: It's easy, you just gotta get something nice to show her you care about her.
Rigby: Yeah, man, the mall has like 20 stores that only sells stuff for guys who need to apologize to their girlfriends. With our help, you'll be back in the saddle in no time.
Party Horse 42699: Dude, saddle jokes, not cool.

Maellard's Package [7.26][edit]

[Mordecai calls Benson after having missed their delivered package]
Benson: YOU MISSED IT?!?! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SIT THERE!! You do that all day anyhow, so why can't you do it when I tell you to?!!
Mordecai: We're sorry, Benson! We—
Benson: Just reschedule the delivery and fix this, OR YOU'RE FIRED!!!!! [phone cuts off]
Rigby: I'd say that was only about a five out of ten on the chewed-out scale. Not bad.

Regular Show: The Movie[edit]

Mordecai: We made it... we made it on time! [both high-five]
Benson: Uh, yeah. You're not on time. BECAUSE THE MORNING MEETING'S ALREADY OVER!!!
Mordecai: Sorry, Benson! We would've been here sooner but the cart ran out of gas!
Muscle Man: You know who doesn't run out of gas?
Benson: LEAVE!! [Muscle Man and Fives bumps into each other and run off, followed by Skips and Pops]
Skips: Good luck, fellas.
Pops: Bad show.
Benson: You know, you can't just walk into work whenever you feel like it! We have rules here! And when you break the rules, you're gonna pay the consequences! Wait, pay the consequences or face the consequences?
Mordecai: Face the consequences.
Benson: FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!! [holds two pink pieces of paper reading "OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TERMINATION"]
Mordecai: What are those?
Benson: These are pink slips. One with your name on it, and one with yours on it. And now, it's time for me to say the words I've been waiting to say for a long time. YOU'RE FIRED!!!! [Mordecai and Rigby gasp]
Mordecai: No, Benson! You can't!
Rigby: Yeah! We got a good excuse!
Benson: Oh, really? What's that?
Rigby: We bought you breakfast burritos.
Benson: ..What.
Rigby: Y'know, just to say we're sorry for messing up at work all the time. Right, Mordecai?
Mordecai: Uh... yeah.
Rigby: Best burritos in the city...

[at a house meeting with the covered body of Future Rigby]
Benson: This is crazy... It's crazy! What was he talking about? Time being destroyed?! I... I-I-I-I...
Skips: Why don't you tell us about this time machine?
Mordecai: Well, all we wanted after high school was go to College U together... but Rigby got in and I didn't. So we tried to build a time machine to fix it, but it exploded and destroyed the whole science lab.
Muscle Man: Whoa! Wait, Rigby got accepted and you were rejected? But Rigby doesn't know anything about anything!
Rigby: Hey!!
Muscle Man: You must've really tanked on that college essay.
Mordecai: Pfft! Yeah, who knows? We both got expelled, and our science teacher Mr. Ross got fired. Rigby didn't graduate and lost his scholarship to College University, and I ended up just going to junior college. Rigby crashed with me in my dorm. I dropped out of college, and then we loafed around for a bit, we got this job at the park—
Skips: Okay, okay, I think we're caught up, Monologue Johnson.
Pops: I don't understand. How can Mordecai and Rigby stop being friends?
Hi-Five Ghost: If they can't make it, then you and me have no chance!
Muscle Man: Yeah, bro. What was the future you saying about you having to tell the truth or something? Did Mordo blow you away over some crazy secret?
Rigby: Uh... what? No... I-I don't know! It must be something that happens in the future.
Benson: This can't be happening. This has to be a prank. This has to be a prank! Muscle Man, I won't even be mad at you if you just tell me you're orchestrating all of this.
Muscle Man: Bro, I'm somewhat flattered that you think my craft is at this level, but ultimately I'm deeply offended that A, you'd think I'd put my buns through this turmoil, and B, that you'd think I'd listen to orchestra music!!

Future Mordecai: Seize fire! Rigby and Benson, you're outnumbered! Dude, you totally stop this blood shed! Give up!
Future Rigby: Hey traitor! How's the hand holding up?!

(He gets angry, then a warp hole and came out is Mr. Ross)

Mr. Ross: Ha! Ha! Ha! You might want to listen to your little friend here. While you're still alive.
Future Benson: Go stuff it Ross!
Future Rigby: Yeah! You to chill out man! Forget all about erasing time business!
Mr. Ross: "Chill out!?" Oh I think I was pretty chilled out, when I went to prison because of you and Mordecai's little stunt back in high school But I guess I should thank you for creating this wonderful weapon.
Future Benson: What're you talking about?!
Mr. Ross: Mordecai and Rigby created the Timenado.
Future Benson: What?
Future Rigby: LIAR!
Mr. Ross: Oh I'm the liar? HA! That's a good one! Isn't that a good one, Mordecai?
Future Mordecai: Yeah hilarious. I know what you did, Rigby! And I'll never forgive you!
Future Rigby: (gasps)


Past Mordecai: Dude I didn't get in.

(flashback ends)

Future Benson: Commander Rigby!
Future Rigby: It was such a long time ago! I didn't do anything.
Future Benson: I don't need you to tell what you did. If we get of here, can you fix it? Rigby, fix this. That's an order.
Future Rigby: No, Admiral!
Future Benson: RAAAH!!! Run! Run! (Starts shooting forces) This one's for Pops! And Skips! And Muscle Man! And Fives!

(Mr. Ross hits a volleyball bomb at Benson and it blows up and Benson dies)

Future Rigby: Stupid! STUPID!!

(He gets inside his ship and then he takes off, as a blue ship goes after him. Now cut to Future Rigby's ship, Future Rigby is preparing for time travel)

Computer: Time circuits on.
Future Rigby: Take me back to high school! Gotta fix this!
Computer: Calculating time jump.

(Then Future Mordecai's ship shows up and aims his gun at Future Rigby)

Future Mordecai: Stop that ship in the name of Lord Ross!
Future Rigby: What happened to you, man? How can you work for him!?
Future Mordecai: I couldn't stay at the park forever! I have to think about my career!
Future Rigby: What about your friends?
Future Mordecai: We're not friends! We haven't been friends since a long time!

(The the Time button shows up)

Computer: Course, plotted.
Future Mordecai: Press that button and I will shoot you!
Future Rigby: Hey, Mordecai, GO AHEAD!!

(Future Rigby presses the Time warp button, Future Mordecai and Rigby fire each other as Rigby's ship goes faster)

(Later Muscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost climbs up back to the crater)

Muscle Man: All right, now to get to back to doing what we do best, guarding a space ship that our only hope to get back hooooome.....?

(The ship is gone in not a sight)

Muscle Man: Is this the right crater?

(The van shows up, and Skips get out and finds out the ship is gone)

Skips: What did you do?!
Muscle Man: Nothing, Skips. Honest. We just went to the bathroom real quick, and when we came back the ship was gone.
Skips: The ship doesn't even work, how can it be gone?! AND WHY ARE YOU NAKED!!?
Muscle Man: You know what? I'll... I'll go over there!
Skips: (sighs) How in the world can this happen? (he finds a black shirt and reads the back) "I Ate From the Trash at Paparelli's."
Hi-Five Ghost: Hey, Muscle Man, didn't you had a shirt like that, since years ago?
Muscle Man: Yeah. (realizes something) Oh, no, bro.

Mr. Ross: Hey Rigby, remember when you ruin my state championship game? Now we're even. OOOOOAAAAAHHHH! (Goes through the portal but pops his head out) This is what you losers sound like and nobody likes it! OOOOOOOOOOAAAA!!!!

(Goes in the portal before it disappears)

Rigby: Mordecai?
Mordecai: I can't believe you, Rigby. All this time you were lying to me?! And what? So you forged my rejection letter, is that it?!
Rigby: Yeah, but...
Mordecai: ARRRRGH! Why would you do that!?
Rigby: I had to. You would have gone off to college without me.
Mordecai: You don't get it, do you!?
Rigby: It was just one lie, I was just trying to-
'Mordecai: It's always just one thing with you! You don't that to your best friend! Arrgh!! You're.... (frustrated) YOU'RE THE REASON I'M STUCK IN THIS DEAD-END JOB!!!
Rigby: Well, I'm stuck, too! Who better to be stuck with than your friend?
Mordecai: You're not my friend. All you ever done is hold me back. And I'm an idiot for not seeing it, until now.

(Rigby, heartbroken, he runs away)

Skips:You guys all right?
Mordecai: Yeah.
Skips: Whoa, is he gonna regenerate?
Mordecai: No, the fall must have broken his neck collar.
Skips: Let's do what we came here to do.
Rigby: Wait, I need to say something. (to Mordecai) Mordecai, this is all my fault, if I haven't change the letter, you would have wanted to go back in time and the Timenado would never been created.
Mordecai: Well, I think Mr. Ross had it out for you anyways.
Rigby: It doesn't matter. I robbed you with your future cause I was being self-fish. You're the only friend I ever had and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I held you back and ruined your life, and I'm sorry.
Mordecai: Dude, you didn't ruin my life. What you did was messed up. But I think before I was putting too much blame on you for how things turned out. I've made plenty of mistakes on my own for sure. And if you didn't do what you did, maybe things would have been different. But I take work at a lame job at a park with my best friend, any day.
Rigby: Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph
Mordecai: Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph.
Mordecai and Rigby: Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph-hmph hmph-hmph-hmph.

(Rigby goes to the crystals)

Rigby: Now get out of here. I'm going take care of this on my own.
Mordecai: Rigby, no! You don't have a protective suit, you'll die!
Rigby: I'm tired of you always fixing my problems. This time I'm going to fix it!
Mordecai: No!
Skips: Come one! We've gotta go!
Rigby: Hey, Mordecai, one more thing! Saving the world is the best thing I've ever done. So if you can get Benson to make a sweet bronze statue of me to put at the front of the park, that'll be really cool.
Mordecai: NOOOO!
Skips: We have to leave him!

External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about:
  • [1] – official site
  • [2] – Regular Show Wiki page