Regular Show (season 3)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 | Film | Main

The following is a list of quotes from the third season of Regular Show.

Stick Hockey [3.1a][edit]

Pops: It seems the honorable thing to do is apologize. Oh look! [holds up a joker card with Benson on it] This one is you! [giggles]
Benson: [sighs] Alright.
Skips: Hmph. [tosses a walkie talkie to Benson]
Benson: Mordecai, Rigby, are you there? Pick up!
Skips: [reaches for walkie talkie] Let me try. Mordecai, Rigby. Are you there?
Rigby: (over walkie talkie) Hey Skips.
Benson: Tell them I want to talk to them! Tell them!
Skips: Where are you? [skips away] Where are you guys?

Benson: This wouldn't have happened if you guys had done your job!
Rigby: No, no, no! You can't get mad this time! You messed up, not us!
Benson: Argh! Just LISTEN to me!

Bet To Be Blonde [3.1b][edit]

Blonde: [laughs] I'm just yanking your chain man, it's cool.
Rigby: Huh?
Mordecai: [laughs] OOOOOOOOHHHHH!
Black Blonde: [puts hand on Mordecai's shoulder] Uh. He's had enough.
Rigby: Hm.

Skips Strikes [3.2a][edit]

Benson: Man, Skips is on fire tonight. Another perfect game.
Mordecai: We're going to the championship baby!
Man: You guys wouldn't be so great if it wasn't for Skips.
Mordecai: Well, we can't help that he's just plain awesome, right, Skips?
Skips: Hey, that's just how I roll.
Mordecai, Rigby and Benson: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
Benson: There she is guys. Isn't she a beaute?
Rigby: I want that beaute.
Benson: So who are we up against?
Mordecai: Some team called the Magical Elements.
Rigby: The Magical Elements. Hm, hm, more like the Magical loserments.
Death: What did you say about us?

Terror Tales of the Park [3.2b][edit]

[Mordecai drives to the Halloween Wizard's house; walks to the door; bangs handle against the door]
Mordecai: Hello? Look, I don't know what you're doing to my friend, but please, just stop! He's sorry for egging your house, okay? So, are we cool? [Mordecai walks to the window; peeks into it; a cat pops up, scaring Mordecai, Mordecai pants]
Skips: [on the walkie talkie] Mordecai. [Mordecai gasps] Mordecai, come in.
Mordecai: Yeah, yeah, what's up, Skips?
Skips: [on the walkie talkie] You gotta get back to the house, quick.
Mordecai: Sure, be right there.
[Mordecai runs to the cart; The Halloween Wizard grabs his cat out of his window]

Mordecai: Did you guys see that?!
Skips: This is not good.
Benson: What are we gonna do then?!
Rigby: Guys...?
Mordecai: What, what is it?
[A loud knock is heard at the door, someone quietly opens it and a skinless Muscle Man is shown to be the knocker]
Muscle Man: I told you I was ripped. [falls foward and dies]
Skips/Mordecai/Hi Five Ghost: AHHH! [telephone rings] AHHH!
[Hi Five Ghost runs to answer it]
Skips: [last words] No, Fives, WAIT!
Hi Five Ghost: [answers phone] Hello?
Halloween Wizard: Goodbye! [sucks Hi Five Ghost into the phone and squirts him out as a liquid all over Skips and Mordecai, as Benson vomits his gumballs]
Hi Five Ghost: [last words] Worst phone call ever.
[Mordecai and Skips are covered in liquid and Mordecai is pushed against the bookshelf by the Halloween Wizard and is knock unconscious. Benson and Pops scream in terror and hide in rooms while Skips tries punching the Halloween Wizard but the Halloween Wizard trips him]
Halloween Wizard: If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!
[Halloween Wizard throws Skips into the chimney, and fire goes up the chimney and burns Skips as fire goes to the top of the house and Rigby screams, Halloween Wizard runs into the bathroom, opens the shower curtain, and sees Benson]
Halloween Wizard: What's up, gumball?
[Benson screams. Him and his nun chucks are flushed down the toilet, causing his gumballs to rise]
Pops: [in bedroom] Show yourself. Bad show, very bad show! [door opens] AHHH!
[Pops fires sling-shot, but it hits the wall, Pops gets thrown into a closet and disappears]
Rigby: What's happening? Hello, is anybody there? Can anyone hear me?
Mordecai: [wakes up] Rigby?
Rigby: Mordecai!
Mordecai: Don't worry, Rigby, I'm here. I won't anything happen to you.
[An invisible force comes and chops Mordecai's head off and his head falls to the ground]
Mordecai: [last words] Huh, so this is what it feels like to be as tall as Rigby.
[Mordecai gags and dies]
Rigby: Mordecai, Mordecai? I'm sorry, ok? I shouldn't have egged your house; do you hear me?! I'm sorry.
[The Halloween Wizard goes to Rigby and laughs]
Halloween Wizard: I told you you'd pay.
Rigby: Well then, what are you waiting for? Do it, do it already!
[The wizard uncovers a case and laughs while Rigby screams and eggs are thrown at him]
Rigby: Huh, what?!
Halloween Wizard: How do you like it?
Rigby: What?! You turned me into a house and killed all of my friends just to throw eggs at me? THAT'S IT?!
Halloween Wizard: Yep, that's it.
[Points up; zooms out to reveal a big egg coming down on Rigby, then Rigby screams as the egg collapses and he melts]

Camping Can Be Cool [3.3a][edit]

Margaret: Hey, guys. Do you need any more-?
Rigby: SSHHHHH! This is it.
TV: Your weekend weather forecast. Hope you have your sunglasses ready.

Rigby: You probably shouldn't go, Margaret. I bet your boyfriend won't like you going out on a camping trip with you dudes.
Margaret: Ugh, what boyfriend? Not see anyone right now. Guys are jerks.
Mordecai: Gah, I know, right? Guys are the worst.

Slam Dunk [3.3b][edit]

Muscle Man: Yeah, baby. Go ahead. You can't make it from there. Oh! Oh! Brick!
Mordecai: Ugh!
Muscle Man: Oh, snap. Hey, Mordecai, you're looking a little confused. Did you know that we only need one more point to win?

Cool Bikes [3.4a][edit]

Benson: When are you guys going to get it through your heads? Nothing you say or do will ever make me admit you're cool!
Mordecai: You know what, Benson? I just realized something. We don't care what you think.

Benson: Mordecai and Rigby are the coolest guys I know.

Mordecai: If we can get you to admit that we're cool, then you have to give us the cart back.
Benson: Sounds good to me 'cause it'll never happen.
Rigby: You're wrong! You're all like "that'll never happen", and then we'll get all cool and you'll be all like "whoa" and then we'll be all like "in your face!"
Benson: Haha, and I'll be all like "GET BACK TO WORK!!!"

House Rules [3.4b][edit]

Benson: Hey, guys. Listen, when you've got a minute, I need you to take a look at these.
Mordecai: Sure, Benson. [hands over "Benson's House Rules" book] Oh, the house rules? Thanks, but we already have these.
Benson: Uh, no, you don't. Cos I've added a few new ones in there and I'm gonna need you to sign off on them, okay? [leaves]
Rigby: Aw, man, more rules?! He's gotta be joking!
Mordecai: Alright, let's see. "Rule #114: No feet on the table." [Mordecai and Rigby's feet are on the table, then they take them off, moaning] "Rule #115: No food on the table." [food is seen on the table, so they knock it all off]
Rigby: Fine!
Mordecai: "Rule #116: No food on the floor."
Rigby: WHAT?! That's going WAY too far!! [growls while straining himself to lift the table] Come on, man! Help me flip the table!
Mordecai: No, dude, just chill out. There's only one more new rule left.
Rigby: What is it?
[Mordecai flips the page that says "Rule #117: No video games.", then, a shocked look comes to his face as the camera zooms in. Cut into Benson's office]
Mordecai: No video games!?!
Rigby: Are you nuts?!
Benson: "Rule #47: No yelling!"
Rigby: You can't take video games away from us, man! What're we supposed to do?!
Benson: Work. You're supposed to work.
Mordecai: You know what? We're sick of all your rules! "No prank calls, no rock-paper-scissors, no punchies — no unicorns"? What does that even mean?!
Rigby: These rules are all totally random, Benson, and they're all aimed at us!
Benson: That's not true. "Number 68: no harpsichord playing after 10 pm."
Rigby: [to Mordecai] I actually kinda like that one.
Mordecai: Yeah, but that's the only good one in there. The rest of them are terrible!
Benson: Look, I'm doing you a favor. Life without rules is chaos.
Mordecai: Fine, but we're only signing off on the rules we like.
Rigby: Yeah, like the harpsichord one!
Benson: It doesn't work that way! If you can't agree to live by all the house rules, THEN YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THIS HOUSE!!!
Mordecai: Well then, we won't live in this house!
Rigby: Yeah, cos your rules are wack!
Mordecai: We'll show you. We're not gonna live with any rules at all.

Benson: Well, well, well. Wasn't so easy living without rules, was it? [opens book] Wait a minute. One of these rules is missing.
Rigby: Oh, no. Which one?
Benson: I don't know, there's over a hundred of these things!
Mordecai: Well, then, how do you know it's missing?

Mordecai: That's crazy. I wonder which one it is. [cut to the No Rules World. The No Rules Man is playing Karate Choppers, all by himself]

No Rules Man: Hmph. Hmph. I don't need those guys, I can play video games by myself. [The ripped page falls onto his lap. It is Rule #117: No Video Games] NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rap It Up [3.5a][edit]

Big Trouble: Nah, I got y'all fools this time, hit it! (V-Tron turns on the radio) (Rapping) You all better watch out, cause Big Trouble's on the mic now, i'll knock all o' your lights out, with my verse, y'all be cursed , blowing up like fireworks. powwwwwwwww!
Alpha-Dog:...that's it? Blitz Comet, show this fool how we do.
Blitz Comet: (Rapping) Blitz Comet on the scene. You step to me and you gonna get creamed-corn! All up in your teeth, you reek, you're the opposite of chic, ya freak! Your rhymes are all antiques. Nobody wants em, they throw em all away. Right from the get go like your brain is on delay. Matter of fact, yo, you better get a check up. Go ask your doctor, why you be so ugly from the neck UP?

Crusin [3.5b][edit]

Margaret: Guys. You're kidding, right?
Mordecai: Are you saying you wouldn't give us your number if we pulled up in some cool wheels?
Margaret: You dorks would never be able to get a girl's number cruising.
Mordecai: Oh yeah?

Under the Hood [3.6a][edit]

Mordecai and Rigby: Benson!
Mordecai: We know who did the graffiti!
Benson: What? Who?
[scene cuts to Muscle Man, High Five Ghost, Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson outside the bathroom]
Muscle Man: It's buffalo sauce, smell it!
Benson: I'm not going to smell your fingers, Muscle Man. Just tell me the truth and I'll take your word for it.
Muscle Man: I am telling you to truth! Benson, I can't believe you are listening to these clowns-- [a can of spray-paint falls out of pocket)
Rigby: Look, it's SPRAY-PAINT!
Benson: Chicken wings, huh?
Muscle Man: Uh... Um... That's not mine!
Mordecai: Yeah, right! It was in your pocket!
Muscle Man: Uh... okay, all right! I was spray-painting, okay? But, but--
Benson: But what?
Muscle Man: But I didn't do the graffiti! I was painting Hi Five Ghost's ride orange!
Hi Five Ghost: Really?
Benson: Then why did you lie about the paint?
Muscle Man: Because it was supposed to be a surprise. Til you guys ruined it.
Rigby: He's lying!
Muscle Man: No, I'm not!
Benson: I'm sorry, Muscle Man. But I'm going to have to ask you to turn in your keys.
Muscle Man: What?
Benson: You heard me.
Muscle Man: Are you firing me, bro?!
Benson: Give me your keys.
Hi Five Ghost: If he goes, I go, too.
Benson: Okay, see ya.
Hi Five Ghost: Aww...
Muscle Man: That was really cool, bro. You want my keys, Benson? Fine! [He throws his keys on the ground at Benson's feet] But we were gonna quit this job anyways to follow our real dreams. And we're not coming back, no matter how much you beg! Come on, Fives. [they walk away]

Weekend at Benson's [3.6b][edit]

Rigby: Dude, Benson! What's the rush? It's not like you have somewhere to be.
Benson: Yeah, actually, I do! I do have a life outside of work, you know.
Rigby: Yeah, right. Where are you gonna go, Benson?
Mordecai: Yeah, where are you gonna go, dude?
Rigby: Come on, man! Spill it. Where are you going to go?
[Mordecai and Rigby let go of the ladder]
Mordecai: Dude, Rigby! Leave him alone! Can't you tell you're annoying him?

Benson: [gets up] That's it... I've had it with you two. I can't even knock out without you ruining my social life and getting me into stupid food challenges.
Rigby: But Benson, we won! [grumble] ...Didn't we?
Benson: Won? I would've never gotten into this mess if you two weren't just messing around. You two are fired! No more chances, just get outta here.
Mordecai: [gasps] Benson, look!
Benson: What? [he pulls off paper attached to him, reading "CALL ME, 555-0155. ♥ AUDREY"]
Mordecai: What does it say?
Rigby: Yeah man, what does it say?
Benson: Ah... Get back to work.

Benson: That’s it. you guys are so unbelievably fi-

         Everyone: Benson!

Fortune Cookie [3.7a][edit]

Benson: I'm glad you could all join me for brunch today.
Pops: What's the occasion?
Benson: Do you even have to ask, Pops? It's to celebrate my amazing streak of good luck.
Pops: Good luck?
Benson: Yeah, don't you remember last night?
(Scene shows flasback of Benson beating Rigby at cards)
Rigby: Augh! You only beat me last night because of my bad luck.
Benson: No Rigby, I only beat you because of my good luck, and it's that luck that makes me trust that we're all going to love this restaurant that none of us have never even been to.
Everyone: Yeah!

Mordecai: Skips, have you seen Benson?
Skips: He's playing cards in my garage. He's convinced he can turn his luck around.
Mordecai: No, he can't. It's not even his luck! We have to stop him. [Benson enters] Benson, I got to tell you something.
Benson: Not right now, Mordecai. I'm right in the middle of a hand.
Mordecai: No, Benson! Listen, you shouldn't be playing cards right now!
Benson: Okay, so I've had a bad stretch lately. So my wallet and credit cards got stolen. So accounting lost my paycheck. So I can't afford to pay my rent or feed myself. But cards are where I'm luckiest! Cards are my girl! She's never let me down before and she won't do it this time.
Skips: Well, you gotta stop playing now because you got nothing left to wager with!
Benson: ..Actually, Skips, there is one more thing.
[Benson walks back into Skips' garage and walks back into the room again]
Benson: I just lost the park to the guy in the fanny pack.

Think Positive [3.7b][edit]

Pops: (laughing)
(The butterfly lands on a bush. When Pops is about to catch a butterfly, when...)
Benson: C’mon, You know that's not the way you're supposed to do it.
Mordecai: Well, this way is totally faster.
Rigby: Yeah, cuts the time in half.
Benson: Well, you're actually CUTTING IT IN HALF, you idiots! Oh, and great. You manage to break the saw in the process. Now, we're gonna have to buy a new one!
(Pops is drawing the rose on his notebook.)
Benson: What are you guys doing?! Soda?! You can't use soda!
Mordecai: Yeah, but the hose--
Benson: Oh, what, it's too hard to get the hose off the shed?! UNBELIEVABLE!
Rigby: Well, at least it's diet. Nobody drinks that.
Benson: I drink diet. Not Only Did You Guys Ruin the hose...
Pops: (angrily scribbles his drawing, grunts, and storms away in anger and frustration)
Pops: Okay, men, this is the hour of prominence. On my signal, charge! Wooooahhh--- (interrupted by an angry Benson as he lays back, irritated)
Benson: (OFFSCREEN AND OUTRAGED) YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Give me that. What is this, SANDPAPER?! (Looks at golf cart) You're scratching up the whole thing!
Pops: Benson, would you come see me for a moment, please?
Mordecai and Rigby: Oooooh, somebody's busted.
Benson: Oh, grow up.
Mordecai and Rigby: (RAPPING) B-b-busted. Benson's b-b-busted!
Benson: (SIGHS) What is it, Pops? I'm in the middle of something.
Pops: Have a seat. [Benson sits down, sighs] Do you know why I called you in here?
Benson: Did you lose the colonel again? Try under your hat.
[Pops lifts his hat with the colonel inside, then puts his toy army men in the drawer]
Pops: It's a problem concerning Mordecai and Rigby.
Benson: What else is new? Don't worry, Pops, I'll take care of it.
Pops: Then we understand each other?
Benson: Absolutely. I've already warned them one more screwup and they're both fired.
Pops: But... Benson, I was referring to you.
Benson: What?
Pops: I'd like you to stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby.
Benson: [scoff] You're kidding.
Pops: Quite the opposite. It's too negative and bad for morale.
Benson: What morale? Those slackers never do anything unless you yell at them.
Pops: There's never a reason to yell at anyone.
Benson: They give me a million reasons every day! Ptch, you just want me to be nice to them?
Pops: You don't have to be nice, just don't yell.
Benson: [groans] Listen, Pops, I appreciate the concern, but I know how to do my job.
Pops: Benson, I think it's clear that my dad puts me in charge of running the park when he's not around, right?
Benson: Yes, but—
Pops: And that means you must do what I say?
Benson: Technically, but I—
Pops: And I am ordering you to stop yelling at Mordecai and Rigby.
Benson: Pops!!
Pops: Understood?
Benson: [beat] Understood.

[Cuts to outside]
Rigby: So, what did Pops want?
Benson: Noth-- [quick zoom out] You guys are STILL NOT-- [realizes he's angrily yelling, so he talks through his furious teeth]—guys are still not done?
Mordecai: What? You told us to take it nice and easy.
Rigby: Yeah, I get it now. It takes time to do things right.
Mordecai: You rush, you make mistakes.
Benson: [angrily facepalms] That's not the point I was trying to make.
Mordecai: And then we started thinking—why clean something anyways? Dirt is a natural thing. It's like part of life you know? [Benson turns red and sizzles]
Rigby: Yeah and like, what is a hose? Hose...
Mordecai: Hose...
Rigby: Hose?...
Mordecai: Hose... [Benson growls, still red]
Rigby: Yeah, exactly. But when you turn it on... [accidentally sprays water on Benson which pisses him off] ...Sorry.
Benson: (yells angrily kick Mordecai and Rigby out of his sight) GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!! (Mordecai and Rigby run away)
Pops: Benson, what did we just discuss?
Benson: Yeah, but, come on, Pops. They were totally--
Pops: Benson, I'm serious about this issue. Now if you yell at them again, I'm going to have to write you up.
Benson: [furiously rubs face and angrily growls] Okay, okay. I'll try to get it under control Pops.

(Clock transition to computer room. Benson is on the computer searching "Free anger management tips")
Benson: Recite a personal mantra. Omm? What does that even mean? Next. (searches again)
Fitch: Oh, hello, friend! I'm Fitch Munderson. (A dog runs up to him) And this is Kimmy.
Benson: Okay, where's this going? (fast-forwards the video)
Fitch: We have a sure-fire way to help you control your anger, for only sixty dollars.
Benson: Nope. (searches again while the screen is loading, then clicks several times while the screen is still loading) Ugh, come on! Close! (angrily growls) Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. (sighs) Huh. I guess it works.
(Cut to downstairs. The whole place has been torn apart. Mordecai and Rigby are seen searching for something)
Mordecai: Hey, Benson. Have you seen the keys to the cart?
Benson: Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm. Omm.
Rigby: We can't find them anywhere. (Breaks vase) Uh-oh.
(From the window, two people are seen driving the cart)
Mordecai: Never mind. I think I know where they are.
Benson: (growling) RRRRRAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!
Mordecai and Rigby: Aah! (Run away)
Pops: Benson! I warned you. (Writes on clipboard angrily)
Benson: Pops, you're writing me up?
Pops: You know what happens next, don't you? (angrily hands Benson the paper)
Benson: Of course. Verbal warning, write up, fired. But you wouldn't fire me, Pops.
Pops: I'll do what I must.
Benson: What?! Pops, you can't take this job away from me! It's all I have!
Pops: I'm sorry, Benson. If you yell at Mordecai and Rigby again, I'll be forced to fire you.
(Pops leaves. Benson furiously turns red and angrily begins to jump several times while grunting)
Skips: Jeez, Benson, try counting to 10. (Benson furiously turns around and angrily grunts) Better make it 100. (leaves)
Benson: 1, 2... (Cuts to outside) ...7, 8, 9... (Cuts to near the shed) ...75, 76, 77... (Stops and sees Mordecai and Rigby covered in pink paint laughing)
Mordecai: Oh, hey, Benson! What's up? We're finally painting the shed. (Rigby throws himself on the wall, followed by Mordecai, who crashes through the wall)
Benson: (furiously turns red and angrily growls) 78, 79, 80, 81...
Rigby: Dude, what's he doing?
Benson: (continues counting) 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87....
Mordecai: I dunno. But what do you think he'll do when he gets to a hundred?
Mordecai, Rigby, and Benson: ...88, 89, 90, 91... (Benson stops and angrily growls, put his hands and his face and then furiously storms off while panting, still red)
Mordecai and Rigby: ...92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99...

(Cut to Benson walking into Corners bookstore. Benson puts the Fitch & Kimmy book on the table, leaving a firey handprint. The cashier checks the book, then, Benson storms out as the scene cuts to Benson's apartment, room 1635. Benson inserts the tape into the Walkman and rests)
Fitch: (Over Walkman) The key to managing your anger is control. For example: One should never yell, even if it's to pass the salt.
(Zoom into Benson's eyes. He has a flashback to when he was a child, and his family was all talking loudly and arguing at the dinner table)
Young Benson: Pass the salt, please.
Benson's Father: Quiet, Benson has something he wants to say.
Young Benson: (embarrassed and blushing) Ahem, Um, pass--
Benson's Father: Look here, son! You're never going to get anything in this life if you don't yell for it.
Young Benson: Pass.... ‍'‍PASS THE SALT!‍'‍
Benson's Dad: Atta boy!
(Benson's dad passes the saltshaker to Benson. Suddenly, an earthquake occurs, showing a giant angry Pops ripping off the roof)
Pops: Benson, YOU'RE FIRED! (Points at Young Benson)
Young Benson: NO-O-O-O! (Ripple transition back into Benson in his apartment. He furiously steps on and angrily throws the Walkman, breaking a portait. He then violently jumps and ragefully kicks the TV, and we cut to outside, still hearing Benson lividly grunting. An easy chair is thrown out and breaks a window and ends up destroyed. Benson looks at himself in the mirror. He's red again)
Benson: Keep it together, Benson. (Looks at the mirror. Benson's eyes are super stressed and menacing) You still got a whole day of work left.

(Cut back to the park where Benson is angrily walking and leaving fiery footprints in the ground)
Guy: Hey, buddy, are you ok?
Benson: (furiously knocks him out of the way) I'm fine, I'm fine! (Benson is still red and is heating up)
(Mordecai and Rigby drive fast past Benson in the golf cart. Mordecai is driving blindfolded)
Rigby: Almost the record, almost the record! (They crash into a tree and fall to the grass) Not quite the record.
(Mordecai and Rigby come up to Benson, who is already heated with rage.)
Mordecai: Benson uh look, we're sorry man--
Benson: No...
Rigby: (Worried) Aw man, here it comes.
Benson: I'm not gonna yell.
Mordecai: Aw, yeah-yuh!
Rigby: Sweet.
Benson: I'm not... going to... yell.
(Zoom into Benson's glass. His gumballs turn a bright orange, then, four gumballs go up in the air, catching on fire, then the rest catch on fire, and the four gumballs spin in a circle. Sparks then appear on Benson's body as he gets more and more enraged but tries not to yell)
Mordecai: Whoa Benson, are you o-- (Benson turns into a fireball, burning all ground around him and sucking in loose objects. He then hovers into the air) What the?
(The ground below crumbles, as Mordecai and Rigby back away. The golf cart flies toward Benson and is destroyed. Skips and Pops come in another golf cart)
Skips: What happened?!
Mordecai: I don't know! Benson saw us crash the cart, and instead of laying into us, he said he wasn't gonna yell!
Rigby: And then he turned into that.
Skips: He's holding all of his anger in.
Mordecai: Why would he do that?!
Pops: Because of me!
Mordecai, Rigby, and Skips: What?!
Pops: I told him that if he didn't stop yelling at you two, I would fire him.
Skips: Pops, you can't do that.
Pops: But I am technically his boss.
Skips: Pops, you can't make him bottled up his anger like that. (Turns to Mordecai and Rigby) You gotta get him to yell at you guys.
Mordecai: Not a problem. Hey, Benson! you're a sorry excuse for a manager!
Rigby: Yeah, you nasal-voiced, loser-loner!
Mordecai: Go back to nice school and learn how to have a personality!
Rigby: And guess what?! We're the ones who keep sending pizzas to your apartment.
Mordecai: And we're the ones who switched the detergent with coffee. (Fireball of anger gets bigger as Rigby jumps into Mordecai's arms) Dude! It's just making it worse! Pops, you have to tell Benson it's okay to yell at us!
Pops: I can't, there's never a reason to yell at people!
Mordecai: Pops! Look around! The park is disintegrating, and Benson's gonna explode!! (Muscle Man flies by in his trailer, screaming) Pops! Do something!
Pops: Benson, I need you to yell at Mordecai and Rigby!
Benson: (angry) But if I yell, you'll fire me!
Pops: (angry) Forget what I said, Benson! If you don't yell at Mordecai and Rigby right now, you're fired!
(He explodes tremendously. Pan down to the damage done) (Pops and Skips get up. Benson gets up, as well, limping while doing so.)
Pops: Benson! Benson, are you alright?
Benson: Yeah, I'm fine. (Feels remorse) Sorry things got so out of control, Pops.
Pops: It was my mistake. From now on, I'll leave the park managing to the park manager. (Shakes hands with his brother) Though, I do wish you wouldn't yell at Mordecai and Rigby so much.
Benson: (Happy again) Let me give it a shot. (The three look down at the duo) Hey, Mordecai and Rigby. (Mordecai coughs) Clean this mess up, or you're fired. (He, Pops and Skips all laugh. A high-pitched noise is heard, and the laughter is drowned out, due to Mordecai and Rigby being deafened by Benson's yelling)
Mordecai: What? (turns head to Rigby) What are they laughing at?
Rigby: What?!

Skips Vs. Technology [3.8a][edit]

[Skips shuts off the computer, turns it on to find more malware in the computer; the printer explodes with all its paper shooting up the ceiling. Mordecai and Rigby enter]
Mordecai: Skips! What are you doing?!
Skips: I was just trying to fix your Error 219!
Rigby: [gets to computer] Eugh... But it's not a 219 anymore!
Mordecai: Yeah, while you were gone, we messed it up and now it's an Error 220!
Rigby: Ah, dude, it's even worse now!
Mordecai: Look, Skips, it's fine. We called someone to come fix it.
Skips: You what?! Look, guys, I can do this. I just need more time. When is this guy supposed to get here?
Mordecai: In an hour.
Skips: Okay, look, I can take care of this. If he gets here before me, stall him.
Mordecai: Why?
Skips: JUST DO IT!!
Rigby: Jeez!!
Mordecai: Okay, okay! [Skips leaves]
Rigby: Man, what's Skips's problem?
Mordecai: I don't know. I think he needs to realize that there's some things he just can't fix.

Butt Dial [3.8b][edit]

Mordecai: Man last night was the best. The best.
Rigby: (while tapping on the keys of Mordecai's phone) Yeah it was pretty fun.
Mordecai: I mean, Margaret and Eileen over for "Game Night," and nothing went wrong. No space portals, no video demons, nobody got hurt.
Rigby: Except for Eileen and I whipping your butts.
Mordecai: Whatever, I had fun. Dude come on help out. Benson's not going to let us have people over anymore if we leave this place a mess. And put down my new phone before you break it.
Rigby: Ok, just a sec. I am making you a new custom wallpaper.

Margaret: Uh, yes? Who is this?
Answering Machine: We intercepted two frauds trying to access your voicemail without your permission.
Spool of Thread: The one who claims to have a complicated relationship with you.
Mordecai: Don't listen to them, Margaret!
Rigby: Yeah, these guys are crazy!
Margaret: Mordecai? Rigby? Wait, you guys tried to hack into my phone?!
Mordecai: It was an accident! We didn't know it was you're phone!
Margaret: Yeah, right!
Mordecai: Well, we didn't know, but...
Margaret: But what? I can't believe you would do something like that! I totally misjudge you!
Rigby: Dude, just come clean already.
Mordecai: (grunts) Okay, look. So I sat on my phone, and accidentally...
Rigby: He called you with his butt!
Mordecai: Yeah. So I accidentally left you a voicemail with me singing this dumb song. (Mordecai scratching his neck) It's really embarrassing. So we tried to erase it before you heard it.
Margaret: You what? I want to hear the message!
Mordecai: Wait! Margaret, please!
Margaret: No, I want to hear it.
Answering Machine: Play the message!

Eggscellent [3.9a][edit]

Waiter: Have you decided?
Mordecai: Uhh, I'll take the Eggs Benedict, a-and uh... orange juice.
Rigby: And I'll have the Eggscellent Challenge.
Waiter: Oh... I wouldn't recommend the Eggscellent Challenge, it's more of a promotional item.
Rigby: Yeah, and it's the only reason we're here, so...
Waiter: Sir, i-it's really just—
Rigby: Okay, hold on, hold on. I'm confused. I'm the customer, right?
Waiter: Well, yes.
Rigby: What does that sign say over there?
Waiter: Uhh... "The customer is always right."
Rigby: And what am I?
Waiter: The customer.
Rigby: And the sign?
Waiter: Sir, please!
Rigby: SAY IT!!
Waiter: "The customer is always right."
Rigby: Hm-hm. Hm!
Waiter: What would you like, sir?
Rigby: Bring me the omelette.

Benson: Well, I hope you've learned something from all this.
Mordecai: What?
Benson: Maybe if you'd been working like you were supposed to, none of this would've happened.
Mordecai: [Enraged] HUH!! [angrily punches Benson in the face] (THWACK!!)
[Skips and Muscle Man hold Mordecai away from Benson, Fives and Pops doing the same with Benson]
Benson: Mordecai, what are you doing?!
Benson: And look where it got him! [angrily points at Rigby] Your friend over there is only gonna get you into trouble!
Mordecai: Huh! Yeah, right! Take advice from Benson about friends since you've got so many of 'em.
Benson: I have friends.
Mordecai: No, you don't. Everyone only hangs out with you because you're our boss! Rigby only wanted to try and win a hat. He doesn't deserve to be in a coma because of it. [angrily storms off]
Benson: Where are you going?
Mordecai: Back to the restaurant.
Benson: Why?!
Mordecai: Because I made a promise to Rigby and I'm gonna keep it. That's what friends do for each other.
[he furiously exits and angrily slams the ward door behind him. The group stays silent for a beat]
Muscle Man: Awkward...

Gut Model [3.9b][edit]

Muscle Man: Good, you're all here. As you probably already know, today marks 5 years I've worked at the park. So in honor of me, we're eating at Fry it Up at 8:00!
Mordecai: Oh, no can do, Muscle Man.
Muscle Man: What? Why not?
Rigby: We already made plans with Margaret and Eileen.
Muscle Man: Pssh, your loss, bros. While you're striking out with some chicks, we'll be scoring some wings! And some chicks! Am I right, Skips?
Skips: Sorry, I can't either. I'm bowling with Pops and Benson.
Pops: Lawn bowling!
Muscle Man: Ugh! Well, it looks like it's just me and you tonight, Fives.
Hi Five Ghost: Oh.
Muscle Man: What?
Hi Five Ghost: Low-Five is graduating from the police academy tonight! He's my brother, I have to go!

Video Game Wizards [3.10a][edit]

Mordecai: Hey, Rigby! I've got good news! [Rigby gasps] I put you down as an alternate.
Rigby: What? Why?
Mordecai: Come on, dude. I'm just trying to win the Glove.
Rigby: Then why did you pick Skips?! He's not even good at video games!
Mordecai: Dude, cool it!
Rigby: Why would you pick Skips over me?! He's HORRIBLE at video games!!
Mordecai: No he's NOT! [shoves Rigby down the floor; a crowd of people whoop]
Crowd: Cooooooooooool! [Rigby gets up, looks at Mordecai panting angrily]
Mordecai: Rigby, I picked Skips because you're horrible at video games. [closeup on Rigby, shocked and becomes enraged at what Mordecai says to him]
Rigby: [enraged] Fine! Forget you, then! I hope you have as much fun winning the Glove as you did losing your best friend. [angrily storms off]
Mordecai: Rigby!! [see Rigby leaving with people blocking the exit]
Skips: I know what you're doing, Mordecai, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed in you.
Mordecai: [sighs] Look, Skips, I wanna win the Maximum Glove for me and Rigby to share, but I just can't play with him. He's not good enough at video games to win.
Skips: Mordecai, I know you wanna make Rigby happy by winning that Glove, but are you sure you're going about this the right way?
Mordecai: Don't worry about it. He'll get over it when we win the Glove. Let's go.

Big Winner [3.10b][edit]

Mordecai: (the scene cuts to the Lottery Plaza) Muscle Man, wait!
Muscle Man: What is it?
Mordecai: There's something we need to tell you. The lottery ticket... it's fake. We wanted to get back for pranking us.
Rigby: It just got out of hand! We're sorry.
Muscle Man: It's okay, I'm not mad.
Rigby: Really?
Muscle Man: Nope. I'm furious! (Mordecai and Rigby gasp, then Muscle Man shoves Mordecai and Rigby into the ticket checker and then catapults it over a wall)

Benson: Now go tell him it's a fake or you're both fired!

The Best Burger in the World [3.11a][edit]

Muscle Man: I already got mine. I could die right now with no regrets. You guys are going to have to take this to your graves. Just wishing you got to taste this Himalayan ketchup. [eats his burger]
Pops: Oh, my! I can taste the Himalayas! [Laughs as Mordecai and Rigby moan]

(Benson drives up)

Benson: Did I tell you two you could stop working? Get in the cart. (cut to Skips' garage. Benson kicks M&R out of the golf cart and onto the ground)

Benson: You still need to clean Skips' garage. There's a bunch of Pops' weird stuff in there that needs to go into storage. When you're done, you can have burgers, deal?

Rigby: Really? (Mordecai opens the garage door. The garage is piled to the ceiling with clutter)

Benson: Yep, have fun you two. (laughs and drives away)

Mordecai: I don't believe this. (clock transition to sometime later. M&R are almost done with the boxes. Mordecai pants hard, and Rigby throws a box into the pile) Dude, what are you doing? Do you want an Ulti-Meatum or not? (grabs sheet) Come on, help me move this. (M&R remove the curtain to see a machine called a "Hologram 9000". Dramatic music plays as it is shown)

Mordecai and Rigby: Whoa!

Mordecai: What is this thing?

Rigby: It's says, "Hologram 9000".

Mordecai: Cool.

Rigby: Dude, holograms! What if we use it to make holograms of ourselves and put them in here so that Benson thinks we're working?

Mordecai: What? Why would we do that? We're almost done. Plus, it says it can kill you. (sure enough, there is a sticker on the machine that shows so. Off in the distance, Ajay makes an announcement over the megaphone)

Ajay: Last call for burgers. I repeat, last call for burgers.

Mordecai: Dude, you're going first. (Rigby pushes the red button on the machine, and the door slides open. He enters as the door closes. Mordecai sets the switch to "extremely realistic", then, red lasers scan Rigby.

Rigby: Eeeeyaaghhyrrerrohdough! (Rigby screams in pain before the lasers move off)

Mordecai: Come on, dude, you gotta stay still. It's not gonna work if you move.

Rigby: But it hurts!

Mordecai: Yeah, well, you know what else is gonna hurt? Not getting that burger. (Rigby stands up) Come on, best burger in the world.

Rigby: Best burger in the world. Best burger in the world. Anyone who doesn't eat one... (crosses arms across chest then hold them up like Ajay) a chump! (the lasers scan him) NYAAAAAH! (Rigby's graphic on the machine turns into a wireframe. Seconds later, Rigby's hologram comes out)

Mordecai: Dude, it looks exactly like you. (seconds later, Mordecai is in the machine.)

Mordecai: RRRNNGHH!!! (Mordecai grunts as the hologram of him is created. Mordecai kicks a box as he and Rigby place it next to the Rigby hologram, now holding a box, and place a box under the Mordecai hologram) Nice. Let's go hide over there and see if it works on Benson. (M&R run into a bush as Benson drives up) Here he comes. (Benson brakes)

Benson: Boy, somebody must not want burgers for lunch. (drives off)

Rigby: Dude, he bought it.

Mordecai: Yeah, but we gotta hurry. Those things aren't gonna hold them off forever. (M&R runs to the Grill 'em Up truck)

Mordecai and Rigby: Two Ulti-Meatums!

Ajay: Is that it?

Mordecai and Rigby: Yes!

Ajay: Can I get your names?

Rigby: Mordecai and Rigby!

(back at Skips' house, Benson drives up again and looks at the Holograms)

Benson: Why are you guys just standing around? Get back to work! (drives off. Cut to the truck. Ajay places a patty onto the grill and fries one side of it as M&R watch. Back at Skips' house, Benson drives up for a third time) You didn't answer my question. Why are you just standing around? (steps out. At the truck, the small cheeseburger is already placed on the giant patty. It is flipped over as M&R drool in hunger. At Skips' house, Benson walks up to the holograms) What did I tell you about answering me when I speak to you? (pause) Why are you just looking at me like that? (looks at Rigby hologram) Rigby, you put that box down now. (runs up to grab the box off the hologram, but knocks it over onto the ground) What the? (taps Mordecai hologram, which falls over. Benson realizes what's going on, panting and turns red) Mordecai and Rigby think they can just skip out on work to go eat burgers? Well, they've got another thing coming. (drives off. Right then, the holograms come to life and look at each other. The two burgers are then dipped in grease, and Ajay adds the Himalayan ketchup, then Mordecai and Rigby turn around in horror as they see Benson driving up in the cart) (slow-mo) GGGRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Mordecai: (slow-mo) Oh, no! (turns to Ajay) Hurry! (Ajay wraps the two Ulti-Meatums in white bags then rings a bell)

Ajay: You guys are lucky. You just got the last two Ulti-Meatums for the next 100 years. (Mordecai and Rigby grab the burgers, but then the holograms slap them away and grab them)

Rigby: Aw, what?

Mordecai: Give us back our burgers!

Hologram-Mordecai: No way. These are the best burgers in the world.

Hologram-Rigby: Yeah, get lost so we can eat 'em...(crosses arms across chest then holds them up like Ajay) chumps. (begins to take a bite)


Benson: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (They begin to fight Hologram-Mordecai and Hologram-Rigby.) Nobody's going to eat anything until you finish cleaning the-

(They fight but Hologram-Mordecai and Hologram-Rigby just spins through them)

Ajay and the chef: Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight.(They continue through out the fight.)

Hologram-Rigby: I'm gonna enjoy this.

Rigby: (Slow motion voice) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

(Slowly looks at a nearby rock, and The Flower Duet by Lakme start)

(Mordecai and Rigby start throwing rocks at Hologram-Rigby and Hologram Mordecai)

(Rigby picks up the thing keeping the truck in place, causing the truck to roll away, and throws it at Hologram Rigby, destroying him in the process)

Hologram Rigby: (slow motion voice) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! (gets destroyed)

Hologram Mordecai: (slow motion voice) NOOOOO!! WE JUST WANTED A BURGER! (Mordecai does the same as Rigby) AHHHHHHHH!

(Mordecai and Rigby cross their arms and high-five each other.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah!

Rigby: (excited) Dude, I'm so hungry.

Mordecai: Me too. I can't wait to--

(Unfortunately, Benson ate the two burgers)

Benson: You know, you guys were right all along. These burgers are outstanding. (Eats the rest of the last burger) Oh, wait, you guys didn't get to have one. That's too bad, apparently they only make these once every 100 years. Which is about how long it will take you to finish cleaning out Skips' garage.

(Drives away)

Mordecai: Dude, he's gone, let's see if we can get them to make two more of those burgers.

(They turn around and see that the truck is gone)

Rigby: Uh, where'd the truck go?

(The truck is seen rolling towards the crash pit)

Ajay and the chef: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight....

Replaced [3.11b][edit]

Benson: ALRIGHT! That's enough!
Mordecai: (Grunts)
Rigby: Hm hm hm hm hm!

(Purple monster throws 2 people into the lake.)

Benson: This party's over! That's right, beat it. I don't wanna any of your faces here ever again! Ehh, not you 2. MORDECAI AND RIGBY YOU CAN get out BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!
(He angrily camera-flashes in front of both's faces)
Rigby: But you were gonna give our jobs away!
Mordecai: We had to do something to stop them from finishing the boats!
Benson: Yeah, and a lot good THAT did you, Now get lost, you're fired, remember?!
Rigby: But Benso— (He camera-flashes them again)
Benson: LEAVE, NOW!
Rigby: But— (POASH)
(Benson sighs heavily and recedes down to his normal color hue for a beat)
Benson: Hey, Chad and Jeremy! Looks like positions opened up, so whaddaya say? How would you like a job at the park.
Jeremy: (scoffs) Yeah right. We didn't get degrees at the Institute of Technical Technology to work at some at some crazy job like this.
Chad: Good luck finding two suckers dumb enough to take this job!
(Both activate rocket-installed phones and fly away)
Benson: Chad! Jeremy! Wait.... ... But... I...
Mordecai: So.. Benson... Not sure if you're looking, but we know a couple of dumb suckers who are real good at cleaning up pizza parties.
Rigby: REAL good. (He camera-flashes Benson)

Trash Boat [3.12a][edit]

The Urge: Trash Boat. We meet at last.

Benson: Hey Trash Boat, pick that up! Name-tags are mandatory on work-time.
Trash Boat (Rigby): What!? But that's only for new employees!
Benson: Exactly. New name, new man. Now put it back on or you're fired!
[Trash Boat grunts, put back on name-tag. Close-up on tag]
Benson: [chuckles] Never gets old.

Trash Boat: Mordecai, I can't take this anymore! I wanna change my name back! Could you please just be a pal and lend me 50 bucks?
Mordecai: 50 bucks? I dunno.. What do you think, Muscle Man?
Muscle Man: I don't think you should do it. I like Trash Boat WAY better than Rigby anyways. It's way easier to make fun of. [gaping his wolf tattoo belly] Isn't that right, Trash Boat?

The Urge: So I came back in time to keep you from changing your name to Trash Boat. BAH KILLING YOU~!!

Fists of Justice [3.12b][edit]

Benson: Hey, what are you guys doing? I thought that was Skips' job.
Mordecai: But we're just...
Benson: You know what? I don't care. Just get it out of here. It's the fire hazard.

Yes Dude Yes [3.13a][edit]

Margaret: YES DUDE YES!

Busted Cart [3.13b][edit]

Benson: [enraged to see that Mordecai and Rigby destroyed the Cart ] MORDECAI, RIGBY! What have I told you about messing with the cart? If you think— [Mr. Maellard touches his shoulder]
Mr. Maellard: My office, now.
[the scene cuts to Pops' house]
Mr. Maellard: D'you have any idea what these carts cost?!? I'm not paying park money to fix your mistakes!
Benson: But, sir...
Mr. Maellard: BUT NOTHING! [Mordecai and Rigby hears behind the door, off-screen] I could find a new park manager right now if I wanted to.
Benson: Don't worry, sir. The warranty will take care of everything. [Maellard takes his cue card, then angrily slams it on his table]
Mr. Maellard: This expires tomorrow afternoon!
Benson: But the dealership's too far away. I'll have to drive all day and night.
Mr. Maellard: Sounds like a personal problem. Get that cart fixed or you're FIRED!
[The scene cuts to Mr. Maellard angrily slamming the door at Benson]

[a short while after being pulled over]
Mordecai: Benson, we're sorry.
Rigby: Yeah, the bag wouldn't open and the napkins!--
Benson: [ irritated ] No, no more! Here's what you guys are gonna do for the rest of the trip — nothing! Absolutely nothing! (in red) Don't say anything, don't do anything. Just stop messing things up!
Rigby: Benson, why d’you hate us so much?
Benson: [sighs] I don't hate you guys. I just hate some of things you do. Okay, I really hate some of things you do. I know you don't mean them, but I'm your boss and it's my job to push you to do better.
Mordecai: Is that why Maellard yells at you?
Benson: [laughs] You guys dunno how easy you have it! Let's just say his yelling is way worse than mine.
Rigby: But is it worse than his face? [all laugh]
Mordecai: [squeaks] His face.

Benson: (Yawns) Huh? [ angry ] What?! (He walks into Joyspot Arcade finding Mordecai & Rigby, angrily getting them out of Joyspot Arcade, they both groan)
Rigby: Turn it off!
Mordecai: Ugh. How long were we in there?
Benson: (turning red) HOURS! You were in there for HOURS! Now, we're never gonna make it to the dealership in time! It closes in 30 minutes!
Mordecai: We're sorry! We didn't know it was daytime. There aren't only windows in the arcade!
Benson: Excuses, excuses! How am I supposed to trust you when all you give me are EXCUSES?!!? When are you two gonna learn that your actions have CONSEQUENCES??!!?! Consequences that AFFECT other people! (Voice breaking) Like me. Don't you two understand? I'm about to lose my job! You may not care about keeping your jobs, but I care about keeping mine. 'Cause if I lose my job, I have nothing! Do you hear me? I have nothing! (breaks down in tears, crying) Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take my last bathroom break as an employed man.
Mordecai: Dude, we really messed up. (The Scene Shows The Bathroom, Where The Toilet flushes, then Benson exits the bathroom, Cleaning His Hands)
Benson: (Shocked) What...? (He notices the cart is gone, Then turns red and starts wailing, screaming in rage, then panting) Hey, You! (the scene shows a hillbilly on a motorcycle, then Benson runs to the biker) There were two guys with a truck that were just here. D’you know where they went?
Biker: Oh, yeah! They're taking a shortcut out to Highway 13 to the car dealership!
Benson: (furiously) WHAT?!?!
Biker: Most dangerous highway in the country!
Benson: How much do you want for that bike? (he is seen driving the motorcycle to catch Mordecai and Rigby, who are driving Benson's truck)

Dead At Eight [3.14a][edit]

Mordecai: Okay, little dude, time to go to sleep.
Thomas: No. I refuse!
Mordecai: What the!?
Rigby: Wait, you can talk?
Thomas: Of course I can, I am over 300 years old.
Mordecai: Wait — do your parents know?
Thomas: NO, and let's keep it that way! I want to ride this baby thing out for a while longer, and before I slumber, I demand that we PLAY.
Rigby: Well, okay... but you better go to sleep after that.

[reading thru The Hungry Hungry Soul-Sucking Deathworm]
Mordecai: "..And once all the souls were eaten, he took a nice long nap. The end." It's such a pretty good book.
Thomas: No, wait — you forgot to pull the last tab.
Mordecai: Uhh...
Mordecai: What's the point? The book's over, dude.
Thomas: If you DON'T, I won't go to bed!

Access Denied [3.14b][edit]

Ladonna: What is going on here?
Mordecai: [groans] This is why clubs suck! You think you are better than everybody else? There'a a dumb list that no one can get on? That weird baby water? This annoying music?!
Rigby: Actually, I like the music.
Mordecai: And now you're kicking my friend out because he's not wearing the right clothes?! Well, I'm not wearing the right clothes! [He takes off trash bag] I got this stuff out at the trash. Are you gonna kick me out, too? [all gasp] Rigby is not an embarrassment, this Stuck-Up club is an embarrassment.
Ladonna: Well, I am the owner of the Stuck-Up club, and I want you two gone.
Mordecai: What?!
Ladonna: Harvey, Lafayette!

[Harvey and Lafayette grabs Mordecai and Rigby]

Mordecai: W--What? Wait.
Ladonna: Throw these losers out.
Mordecai: No, please! Margaret's waiting for me! I promised I'd dance with her!
Harvey: Not tonight, kid.
Rigby: Let go of me!
Mordecai: No!

[Mordecai sees Margaret dancing]

Mordecai: [gasps] Margaret! [he stomps on Harvey's feet, and he's running after Margaret]
Ladonna: GET THEM!

Muscle Mentor [3.15a][edit]

Mordecai: Dude, Benson can't stand it when you leave jobs before they're even finished.
Rigby: Oh please, what's he gonna do? [Benson looks behind him]
Mordecai: Dude, stop.
Rigby: Fire me?
Mordecai: [teething angrily] IT’S BENSON!
Rigby: Yeah, I know it's Benson, that's how it works around here. I don't do my work, and he doesn't do a thing about it. It's a win-win.
Benson: Actually, it's a lose-lose CAUSE YOU’RE FIRED!!
Rigby: Whoa, Benson!! I was just messing around! Sorry about that. I'm just gonna go back to work now, okay?
Benson: No, you're not. You're actually fired. I want you outta here.
Rigby: I'm sorry, Benson, it won't happen again!
Mordecai: Can't you give him another chance?!
Pops: [stops by] What's going on here?
Mordecai: Benson just fired Rigby.
Pops: Why? What's the matter, Benson?
Benson: Well, for one, he never finishes his work.
Rigby: That's not true! I always finish my work!
[cut to Rigby playing video games with the vacuum cleaner running past him; whooping on the duck spring rider with his garbage bag and stick laid down; and himself sleeping with the hose still running]
Rigby: Okay, so... maybe I don't always finish my work, but... you never told me how to! How am I suppose to do something I don't even know how to do?!
Benson: I don't know! If you haven't figured it out already, you're not gonna figure it out anytime soon. I want you outta here!!

Muscle Man: Rigbaby, repeat lessons one and two.
Rigby: Lesson one... is stay calm. Lesson two... is be cool.
Muscle Man: Stay cool.
Rigby: Yeah, stay cool.
Muscle Man: Alright. Forget those two lessons!
Rigby: WHAT!!?
Muscle Man: Lesson three is the only lesson that matters. Lesson three... is never quit. You say it.
Rigby: Never quit.
Muscle Man: What?
Rigby: Never quit!
Muscle Man: I'm sorry, did you say something, Rigbaby?
Rigby: I said never quit!!
[Muscle Man starts on the mower at high volume]
Muscle Man: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!
Rigby: NEVER QUIT!!!
Rigby: NEVER QUIT!!!!!

Trucker Hall of Fame [3.15b][edit]

Muscle Man: We're here today because my dad put a cactus under a cop in a bear costume, who turned out to be an actual bear. [starts freaking out, wreaks havoc]
Mordecai: Muscle Man! [runs with Rigby to comfort him] It's okay, it's okay!
Muscle Man: You're right! You're right! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm okay. My dad might not have been the best pranker in the world... but he was the best trucker in the world. And that hat was his crown. That's why this urn is filled with the ashes of his hat. As the ultimate Father's Day tribute, I'm gonna help my dad fulfil his final wish by spreading the ashes of his hat at the Trucker Hall of Fame.
Benson: Guys, I'd like you to go with Muscle Man to help him spread those hat ashes.
Mordecai: What? Why can't Hi-Five Ghost go with him?
Benson: Hi-Five Ghost doesn't deal well with this sort of thing. [cuts to Fives outside the window crying]
Mordecai: Okay, we'll go with him.
Benson: Thanks. Just make sure to watch after him. If Muscle Man can't spread those hat ashes and get some closure, he may never be the same again.
Muscle Man: [twirling suit, chugs soda on the couch] WOO-HOO!! WOO!! [chucks soda at the wall, runs off] WOOO!!!

Muscle Man: [reads] "Son, if you're reading this, you punched my face and freaked out in the field by the rest stop where I faked that picture. I'm sorry for pranking you all these years..."
Muscle Dad: [writing on his forklift] "...especially about being a trucker. The world is a harsh place, and I only did it to toughen you up for when I'm gone. Now you know the truth — you aren't a Muscle Boy anymore."
Trucker: Muscle Dad! We need those loads now!
Muscle Dad: Yes, sir! Right away!
Trucker: And take off that hat! You ain't worthy of it. [they leave, Muscle Dad takes off his hat and continues writing]
Muscle Dad: "So please, drive to the highest point of the Trucker Hall of Fame, and spread my hat ashes over those stuck-up jerks. It's my final prank from beyond the grave. But if you hate me too much to do it, I understand."

Out of Commission [3.16a][edit]

Cart: Seriously, you dudes are gonna love this.
Mordecai: Family Restaurant?
Rigby: Why is everything in quotes?

Bartender: Take it up with a complaints department!, right here...

Bartender: Hey!, you gotta order something???

Bartender: And stay out!

Bartender: This is the decent family establishment!, don't need you..., Low life's messing things up!

Fancy Resturant [3.16b][edit]

Muscle Man: Oh, no, bro!

Gene: Whoa whoa whoa.
Katherine: We're unarmed.

Diary [3.17a][edit]

The Best VHS in the World [3.17b][edit]

MSH Guy: Look, you guys need to return the tape and pay the late fee.
Rigby: But we can't afford a late fee!
Mordecai: Yeah, and what if we can't find it?
MSH Guy: [grunts, grabs a pair of scissors] Then you leave me no choice. [about to snip their membership card]
Mordecai & Rigby: STOP
MSH Guy: Why should I?
Rigby: All we have is a VCR and you're the only place in town that still rents tapes!
MSH Guy: Oh, yeah — all those other places UPGRADED to D-V-D!!
Mordecai: Dude, we'll find it! I think I remember where it is suddenly!
MSH Guy: Hmmph...
MSH Guy: [groans] Fine, but it's only because you dudes appreciate superior video formats. Get it back here A.S.A.P. and I won't cancel your membership. I'll even wave the fee.
Rigby: You won't regret this!
MSH Guy: I'd better not! Or you'll never rent a tape here EVER AGAIN!!

MSH Guy: Dude, the game has been changed. I want that tape back by 9. My manager's doing inventory after we close, and he'll call the collections agency if he finds out it's missing.
Mordecai: What would it cost to just replace the tape?
MSH Guy: You're not going to like it.
Mordecai: Dude, just tell me!
MSH Guy: One.. thousand.. dollars.
MSH Guy: It's a RARE out-of-print VHS! A piece of film history!
Mordecai: It's a piece alright.
MSH Guy: Just find it by tonight. I hear those guys break thumbs.

Prankless [3.18a][edit]

[Muscle Man laughs as he strabs part of Mordecai's bed to the ceiling]
Muscle Man: I can't wait to see the look on Mordecai's face when he finds his bed on the ceiling. He'll be like, "Oh, no! Where am I gonna sleep tonight?"! [he and Hi-5 Ghost laugh] Best prank ever! [high five each other]
[Pops runs in playing with a red balloon, laughing]
Pops I've got you this time, balloon! [bonks the balloon which hits the bed. The tape weakens and the bed falls on Pops crushing him, as he squeals]
Muscle Man: Oh, no, bro! [Pops sobs loudly. Benson and the others come]
Benson: Pops! [Skips removes the bed from a severely injured Pops] Call the ambulance, now! It's gonna be okay, Pops. [Mordecai goes to call the hospital while the others try to comfort Pops as he continues sobbing in pain. Muscle Man looks upset and guilty]

[they ambulance people carry a groaning Pops on a ]
Ambulance guy: He should be fine in a few days. But he's defiantly lucky to be alive. That bed could've killed him. [his line "killed him" echos 3 times in Muscle Man's mind]
Muscle Man: Pops, Pops! Pops, I'm so sorry, bro! It was an accident!
Pops: Oh, no worries. I'll be quite alright.
Muscle Man: No, Pops, I almost killed you all because of my stupid prank!

Muscle Man: It's not over till I say it's over!

Benson: [Enters Muscle Man's Trailer] Muscle Man, the rival park is pranking us again. We need you!
Muscle Man: You got the wrong man, I don't do that anymore.
Benson: But we're getting destroyed!
Muscle Man: Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I don't prank anymore.
Benson: I can't believe this! You're just gonna let them destroy the park?!
Muscle Man: [Stands up and points at Benson] Whoa! Back up, bro! I almost killed a man. A park, that's just land. You can replace that any day of the week, but a man's life, that's forever.
Benson: But the park i--
Muscle Man: It's over, Benson. I'm done.
Benson: [Sighs] Thanks for nothing.

Death Bear [3.18b][edit]

Fuzzy Dice [3.19a][edit]

Benson: As you guys may or may not know, it's Pops' birthday tomorrow. I was planning on getting him something nice from the arts and crafts fair last Saturday, but... nothing really stood out. Has anybody gotten him anything yet?
Muscle Man: [beat] No.
Benson: Why am I not surprised? [pulls cap off of marker] Ideas? Anybody?
Muscle Man: How about one of them Jeff Forgeman grills?
Benson: That's actually not a bad idea, but Pops has been watching his cholesterol. Doctor's orders. What else?
Skips: How about we get him some new gardening tools?
Benson: Well, maybe. It's just, he gets new gardening tools all the time.
Mordecai: What about some horseback riding lessons?
Benson: Please tell me you're joking.
Mordecai: Well, no. Isn't he into that?
Benson: Don't you remember? That's the exact same gift we got him last year.
Rigby: Pshh!
Mordecai: Don't "pshh" me! I don't hear you coming up with anything.
Rigby: Yeah, but at least I didn't say the same thing that we got him last year!

[Mordecai and the group stop the Capicola Gang at their tracks]
Mordecai: Give us back our dice! We won 'em fair and square!
Bear Leader: There's no way you're getting these dice. Now get outta the way before somebody gets hurt!
Benson: What could you possibly want with fuzzy dice?
Louie: Well, ten years ago, we knocked over at big city jewelers, and we made off with millions worth of uncut diamonds. [points to dice] And those diamonds are in those dice.
Bear Leader: [thwacks Louie] Shut up, Louie!
Benson: I remember reading about that. That was you?
Bear Leader: Yeah, that's right. We've been laying low for ten long years waiting for the statute of limitations on grand theft larceny to run out. And it was supposed to end tonight at midnight.
Duck: Mm-hmm. Until you clowns came along and ruined everything.
Rigby: Can't we just have the dice without the diamonds?
Bear Leader: It's too late. And you know too much.
Duck: Mm-hmm.

Sugar Rush [3.19b][edit]

Benson: If you pass them out before the meeting, you're fired, got it?
Mordecai: Yeah, no problem.
Benson: Good. Now what do I just tell you?
Rigby: Get the donuts and don't pass them out, or else we're fired.
Benson: And?
Mordecai: Oh, and you want a whole wheat donut.
Benson: Good. Maybe you are ready for more responsibility. Now go get the donuts.
Mordecai and Rigby: (Gets out of chairs and start rapping) D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts, donuts! D-d-d-d-donuts! D-d-d-d--
Benson: [Annoyed] Just buy the donuts OR YOU'RE FIRED!

Bad Kiss [3.20a][edit]

Margaret: (Mordecai walk to Margaret's car, and looks around for his personal item which turns out to be his wallet, Margaret has followed him to the car to check up on him) What's up?
Mordecai: I can't find my wallet.
Margaret: Oh, let's see... (She also joins Mordecai in the car, helping him look for his wallet, then she leans over the seat) Did you check the glove compartment?
Mordecai: Yeah, I checked there... (They realize that they are close to one another once again) alrerady...
Margaret: Oh, ha...
Mordecai: Ha. (They stare at each other, Mordecai glups, an leans in with Margaret joining in, and they kiss. Then Margaret opens her eyes and looks disgusted, and pushes Mordecai away) Oh, sorry, I shouldn't--
Margaret: No, it's fine. It's just--
Mordecai: What?
Margaret: Your breath is really bad...
Mordecai: Ahh! Oh, my God. (Reaches for the door handle to get out of the car)
Margaret: Wait, no! It's--
Mordecai: I'm sorry! (He exits out of the car to run back into the house) I'm sorry!
Margaret: Mordecai!

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