Saturday Night Live/Season 24

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Ben Stiller/Alanis Morrissette [24.4]

Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond): The day is mine! I'll take 'Famous Titties' for 400.

Alex Trebek: 'Titles'. 'Famous Titles'.

Sean Connery: Damn!

Alex Trebek: And the answer is: 'This movie title is taken from the name of the book Gone with the Wind.' Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Dolly Parton.

Alex Trebek: 'Titles', Mr. Connery. Not 'Titties'.

Sean Connery: Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Trebek?

Bill Paxton/Beck [24.10]

[We open with a scene from Titanic where young Rose, after witnessing the disaster on the Titanic, has arrived in America, looking up at the Statue of Liberty, while old Rose is narrating]

Old Rose: Yes, there was a man named Jack Dawson, and he saved me in every way a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. [pointing to the side of her head] He exists now only in my memory.

[Brock, Rose's Granddaughter Lizzy, Keith, Darrell, and two other crew members have been listening to Rose's entire story]

Brock Lovett: Wow, that's uh, that's an amazing story, Rose.

Keith: Yeah, that's messed up.

Brock: Three years I thought of nothing but Titanic, but I never got it, I never let it in.

Old Rose: Well, now you know the whole story.

Lizzy Calvert: Come on, Grandma, you must be tired. You've been talking now for three hours. You need to get some rest, okay?

Old Rose: Yes, I am.

Lizzy: Come on.

Brock: Whoa, whoa, hang on a second. You left out the part about what happened to the diamond necklace?

Old Rose: Oh, you mean the Heart of the Ocean? Well, I'm afraid that that's another story for another time.

Brock: [concerned] Well, we got the time now. [to Keith] You got the time, Keith?

Keith: Hell, yeah!

Brock: [passively] See? We got plenty of time.

Old Rose: [nervously] Well, you know... they call Titanic the ship of dreams, and...

Brock: [annoyed] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just great. Look, Rose. [angrily] I've been listening to this hack romance novel crapathon all afternoon. Now enough's enough. Where's the necklace?

Lizzy: Look, my Grandmother needs to sleep, okay?

Brock: Hey, Granny can sleep for the rest of her life after she tells us where that twenty million dollar diamond necklace is!

Lizzy: [surprised] How much?! [to Rose, realising] You mean... I've been waiting tables at Pizza Hut for the last six years while you've been sitting on twenty million bucks?! Come on!

Old Rose: [nervously, trying to change the story] Uhhh... Uh... A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets... they...

Keith: [fed up] Lady, I'm gonna split your head open with a two-by-four in about five seconds you don't start talking!

Old Rose: [afraid] Uh... I'm not sure what you're talking about... [pretending] Where am I?! [Lizzy rolls her eyes, clearly knows what Rose is doing] I'm sleepy.

Lizzy: [shoves Rose, angrily] Get off me.

Keith: [goes over to Rose] All right, that's it! [begins to slap her continuously in the face] This.. [slap] is.. [slap] for.. [slap] listening [slap] to that.. [slap] stupid [slap] boring [slap] story! Come on! [puts her in a headlock] Come and get some!

Old Rose: Oh... Oh.... Jack!...

Lizzy: [coming up] This is for holding out on me, [kicks Rose in the ribs] Tart! [kicks Rose again] Tart! [kicks Rose again] Tart!

Keith: [getting ready to lift her up] All right, this hag's going over board!

[the other two crew members cheer]

Brock: [breaking it up] Wait, wait! Hold it, hold it! Hold it, hold it! Hold it!

Old Rose: [in pain] Oh... Owwww... I think one of my ribs is broken.

Brock: This one? [he pokes her side, she screams in pain] It's okay, Rose. Everything's gonna be all right. I was just talking to Jack, and he wants you to tell me where the necklace is so the two of you can be together... forever.

Old Rose: But I don't know where it is!

[Brock begins punching her in the stomach]

Darrell: Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock! Just- Just hold on a second. I think she's telling the truth. She doesn't know where the necklace is because she wasn't even on the Titanic. Her story is so full of holes. Titanic went down on a Monday not a Friday. The skipper to the Titanic was Captain Smith not Captain Stubbing! And Bob Seger was not! [smacks Rose hard on the head] On the TITANIC! [walks away]

Keith: Lady, is what Darrell says true?

Old Rose: Ohhh... Oh, oh, oh, yes! It is true. I wasn't on Titanic. There was no Jack Dawson. No diamond. [smiles] I just wanted to ride in a helicopter before I died. Wheeeeeee!

Keith: What the hell. [begins walking away]

[Brock shoves Rose's head. All the crew begin to leave]

Old Rose: Wait... [Lizzy pushes Rose and leaves] Oh, oh, oh... But I really did lose my virginity to President William Howard Taft! Would you like to hear that story? [Rose is alone] Huh? Anyone?

Gwynyth Paltrow/Barenaked Ladies [24.16]

Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, it's Gloatin' Time!

Drew Barrymore/Garbage [24.16]

Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about 'The Penis Mightier'.

Alex Trebek: The what? No. No, no, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier'.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!

Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if 'The Penis Mightier' works, I'll order a dozen.

Alex Trebek: It's not a penis mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing.

Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon): Wait, wait, are you selling penis mightiers?

Alex Trebek: No! No I'm not!

Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Let's see what all of you wrote. We'll start with you, Mr. Cage. You wrote... and your podium's gone.

Nicolas Cage: I don't know where it went. I'm confused.

Alex Trebek: You lost your podium? I don't see... You know what? I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore): [louder than before] What? What?

Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote...nothing. And your wager? Nothing!

Calista Flockhart: The pen was too heavy.

Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: We meet again.

Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer. I guess that's your wager: a buck. Fine. And your answer is..."Futter". Buck Futter. I don't get it.

Sean Connery: Oh...I think you do, Trebek. I think you do, indeed.

Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us.

Sean Connery: Buck Futter!