Saturday Night Live/Season 24

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Ben Stiller/Alanis Morrissette [24.4]

Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond): The day is mine! I'll take 'Famous Titties' for 400.

Alex Trebek: 'Titles'. 'Famous Titles'.

Sean Connery: Damn!

Alex Trebek: And the answer is: 'This movie title is taken from the name of the book Gone with the Wind.' Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Dolly Parton.

Alex Trebek: 'Titles', Mr. Connery. Not 'Titties'.

Sean Connery: Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Trebek?

Bill Paxton/Beck [24.10]

[We open with a scene from Titanic where young Rose who, after witnessing the disaster on the Titanic, has arrived in America, looking up at the Statue of Liberty, while old Rose narrates]

Old Rose: Yes, there was a man named Jack Dawson, and he saved me in every way a person can be saved. I don't even have a picture of him. [pointing to the side of her head] He exists now only in my memory.

[Brock, Rose's Granddaughter Lizzy, Keith, Darrell, and two other crew members have been listening to Rose's entire story]

Brock Lovett: Wow, that's uh, that's an amazing story, Rose.

Keith: Yeah, that's messed up.

Brock: Three years I thought of nothing but Titanic, but I never got it, I never let it in.

Old Rose: Well, now you know the whole story.

Lizzy Calvert: Come on, Grandma, you must be tired. You've been talking now for three hours. You need to get some rest, okay?

Old Rose: Yes, I am.

Lizzy: Come on.

Brock: Whoa, whoa, hang on a second. You left out the part about what happened to the diamond necklace?

Old Rose: Oh, you mean the Heart of the Ocean? Well, I'm afraid that that's another story for another time.

Brock: [concerned] Well, we got the time now. [to Keith] You got the time, Keith?

Keith: Hell, yeah!

Brock: [passively] See? We got plenty of time.

Old Rose: [nervously] Well, you know... they call Titanic the ship of dreams, and...

Brock: [annoyed] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just great. Look, Rose. [angrily] I've been listening to this hack romance novel crapathon all afternoon. Now enough's enough. Where's the necklace?

Lizzy: Look, my Grandmother needs to sleep, okay?

Brock: Hey, Granny can sleep for the rest of her life after she tells us where that twenty million dollar diamond necklace is!

Lizzy: [surprised] How much?! [to Rose, realising] You mean... I've been waiting tables at Pizza Hut for the last six years while you've been sitting on twenty million bucks?! Come on!

Old Rose: [nervously, trying to change the story] Uhhh... Uh... A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets... they...

Keith: [fed up] Lady, I'm gonna split your head open with a two-by-four in about five seconds you don't start talking!

Old Rose: [afraid] Uh... I'm not sure what you're talking about... [pretending] Where am I?! [Lizzy rolls her eyes, clearly knows what Rose is doing] I'm sleepy.

Lizzy: [shoves Rose, angrily] Get off me.

Keith: [goes over to Rose] All right, that's it! [begins to slap her continuously in the face] This.. [slap] is.. [slap] for.. [slap] listening [slap] to that.. [slap] stupid [slap] boring [slap] story! Come on! [puts her in a headlock] Come and get some!

Old Rose: Oh... Oh.... Jack!...

Lizzy: [coming up] This is for holding out on me, [kicks Rose in the ribs] Tart! [kicks Rose again] Tart! [kicks Rose again] Tart!

Keith: [getting ready to lift her up] All right, this hag's going over board!

[the other two crew members cheer]

Brock: [breaking it up] Wait, wait! Hold it, hold it! Hold it, hold it! Hold it!

Old Rose: [in pain] Oh... Owwww... I think one of my ribs is broken.

Brock: This one? [he pokes her side, she screams in pain] It's okay, Rose. Everything's gonna be all right. I was just talking to Jack, and he wants you to tell me where the necklace is so the two of you can be together... forever.

Old Rose: But I don't know where it is!

[Brock begins punching her in the stomach]

Darrell: Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock! Just- Just hold on a second. I think she's telling the truth. She doesn't know where the necklace is because she wasn't even on the Titanic. Her story is so full of holes. Titanic went down on a Monday not a Friday. The skipper to the Titanic was Captain Smith not Captain Stubbing! And Bob Seger was not! [smacks Rose hard on the head] On the TITANIC! [walks away]

Keith: Lady, is what Darrell says true?

Old Rose: Ohhh... Oh, oh, oh, yes! It is true. I wasn't on Titanic. There was no Jack Dawson. No diamond. [smiles] I just wanted to ride in a helicopter before I died. Wheeeeeee!

Keith: What the hell. [begins walking away]

[Brock shoves Rose's head. All the crew begin to leave]

Old Rose: Wait... [Lizzy pushes Rose and leaves] Oh, oh, oh... But I really did lose my virginity to President William Howard Taft! Would you like to hear that story? [Rose is alone] Huh? Anyone?

[cut to]

James Cameron: Hi, I'm Jim Cameron. Now what you just saw was the original ending to my film Titanic. I decided to change the ending after a disastrous test screening in which the audience tore up the seats and set fire to the theatre, and chase me down the street booing and spitting. I'm presenting this original ending to you, the Saturday Night Live viewer, in the hopes that you can see beyond the fact that it's stupid and crazy and ruins the movie, and realise how cool it would've been to see a really old lady get beat up. So, for Saturday Night Live, I'm James Cameron saying "You're the King of the world". Thanks. [lights his cigar with a burning $100 bill]

Gwynyth Paltrow/Barenaked Ladies [24.16]

Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, it's Gloatin' Time!

Drew Barrymore/Garbage [24.16]

Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about 'The Penis Mightier'.

Alex Trebek: The what? No. No, no, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier'.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!

Alex Trebek: It's not a product, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if 'The Penis Mightier' works, I'll order a dozen.

Alex Trebek: It's not a penis mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing.

Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon): Wait, wait, are you selling penis mightiers?

Alex Trebek: No! No I'm not!

Sean Connery: Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Let's see what all of you wrote. We'll start with you, Mr. Cage. You wrote... and your podium's gone.

Nicolas Cage: I don't know where it went. I'm confused.

Alex Trebek: You lost your podium? I don't see... You know what? I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore): [louder than before] What? What?

Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote...nothing. And your wager? Nothing!

Calista Flockhart: The pen was too heavy.

Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: We meet again.

Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer. I guess that's your wager: a buck. Fine. And your answer is..."Futter". Buck Futter. I don't get it.

Sean Connery: Oh...I think you do, Trebek. I think you do, indeed.

Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us.

Sean Connery: Buck Futter!