Saturday Night Live/Season 37
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Mick Jagger [37.22]
[edit]- Seth Meyers: What have you been up to, buddy?
- Stefon: Oh, the things these eyes have seen?
- Seth Meyers: Yeah. Now, Stefon, the summer means lots, lots of special events. What's a good venue for families looking to get together and celebrate it?
- Stefon: If you're looking to celebrate the summer, I have just the place for you. New York's hottest club is Scampi. Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is the creation of frat-boy guru D-Bag Chopra. This place has everything—Zip drives, Gozers, Kesha, and guess who may drop by. Is it Ryan Seacrest? No, it's a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose. Plus, for the kids, there's a special workshop where you can build a bear, but not the kind you think. So come by this weekend and check out a VIP section filled with furtlenecks.
- Seth Meyers: Oh, I'm sorry, do you mean turtlenecks?
- Stefon: No, no, no, no, no, furtlenecks. It's that thing when fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll.
- Seth Meyers: Stefon, I don't mean to cut you off, but that place just doesn't sound right.
- Stefon: But they even have a pack of roaming draggers.
- Seth Meyers: What are draggers?
- Stefon: It's that thing when an old dog has short legs, but a long penis. [Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face]
- Seth Meyers: Stefon! Now, New York has so many cultural events during the summer months. Can you recommend just one of those?
- Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. If you want culture, and you want it now, I've got the place for you. New York's hottest club is [imitates a passing car]. Written and directed by James L. Brooks, this place has everything—backpacks, sea lions, Ron Wood, a rental car filled with bottled water, my best friend Joel, plus a special appearance by evil celebrity chef Wario Batali. He's just like his brother, expect he doesn't wear Crocs.
- Seth Meyers: I can't wait to meet him. But Stefon, for people who like culture, regular culture like theatre, where can they go?
- Stefon: Try blindfolded theatre group Shakespeare in the Dark. This year, they're performing the Scottish play.
- Seth Meyers: MacBeth?
- Stefon: No, Jacked Beth. The story of a seven-foot-tall female bodybuilder, she's got the heart of gold and a voice as deep as the Mighty Mississippi.
- Seth Meyers: She sounds like quite a woman.
- Stefon: I went to prom with her.
- Seth Meyers: Stefon, I'm gonna do you a favor and narrow it down. Why don't you tell us some spots people can go to for the Fourth of July.
- Stefon: Absolutely. If you want to celebrate the Fourth of July in style, New York's hottest club is [nerd voice] Hello. [Covers his face again]
- Seth Meyers: What place?
- Stefon: Hello. This place has everythings—Raffis, yeticabs—pedicabs driven by Yetis—slowpokes, a woman with nowhere to turn. Just for the Fourth of July, they've got a special display of Jewish fireworks.
- Seth Meyers: What are Jewish fireworks?
- Stefon: The ones that go peewwww-ehhhhhh. The whole thing is hosted by cross-dressing founding father Jenjamin Franklin, and if there's a lightning storm, he'll tie a key to the end of it.
- Seth Meyers: The end of his kite.
- Stefon: No, honey, not his kite. So, this year on America's birthday, give her what she really wants—a hearty salute and a human R2-D2.
- Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, for those of us who don't know, what is a human R2-D2?
- Stefon: It's that thing when a midget on roller skates dials a speakerphone, and you put a garbage can over their head.
- Seth Meyers: Stefon, I know I tell you this every night. Stefon, you can count me out because I'm taking my girlfriend to the beach, and I'd invite you, but there's only room for two in our convertible.
- Stefon: Fine. Guess I'll just eat poison 'til I die. [begs for sympathy from audience] Aww, poor Stefon.
- Seth Meyers: Fine, you can come. I'll make my girlfriend walk.
- Stefon: Fourth of July!
- Seth Meyers: We'll celebrate with a bang. No, wait, I meant
- Stefon: Too late, we're doing it.
- Seth Meyers: Stefon, everybody! Have a great summer!