The Thick of It

The Thick of It is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars Peter Capaldi as spin doctor Malcolm Tucker. See also In The Loop, a spin-off feature film.

Series 1, Episode 1

[Malcolm Tucker's first line.]

Malcolm Tucker: [on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office] No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in.

[Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.]

Cliff Lawton: Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves.

Malcolm Tucker: I've made the announcement: I've told the Lobby you're going, Cliff.

Cliff: You've told the Lobby I'm going?

Malcolm: Yeah. Sorry, Cliff.

Cliff: Minister.

Malcolm: Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you were pushed, sorry.

Cliff: Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport.

Malcolm: We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important.

Cliff: What? And Social Affairs isn't?

Malcolm: OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks.

Cliff: I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS!

[Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare."]

Cliff: Look, look...Look. I'll look at it.

[Cliff looks at the resignation note.]

Cliff: Personal reasons.

Malcolm: Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope.

Cliff: Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope?

Malcolm: You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- so far. OK? [beat] Right. One more thing: the Daily Mail. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure.

Cliff: I wonder why.

Malcolm: Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were.

Cliff: You want me to write my own obituary.

Malcolm: Get on the fucking phone. Do it now.

[Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.]

Hugh Abbot: Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. [Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.] Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud...

Ollie Reeder: Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE.

Hugh: ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad.

Ollie: Snooper Squad.

Hugh: [correcting himself] Snooper Squad.

Terri Coverley: The one with the spending implications?

Hugh: Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it."

Glenn Cullen: Good.

Hugh: So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa.

Terri: So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he has authorized you to announce it, has he?

Hugh: That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing.

Ollie: This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got...

Terri: [getting up to leave] Excuse me.

Glenn: Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh?

Hugh: Yeah.

Glenn: Ollie?

Ollie: Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think.

Glenn: Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message?

Ollie: It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message.

Glenn: We give it to her, she'll write what we want.

Hugh: She's easy.

Glenn: She is easy.

[Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.]

Terri: Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one --

Hugh: Sorry?

Terri: That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But...

Hugh: [surprised] Terri!

Terri: But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So...

Ollie: Why not?

Terri: Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury.

Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Hugh: No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you.

Ollie: If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons.

Hugh: I'm not doing that.

Terri: I'm just going by procedure.

Hugh: Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we?

Ollie: The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps.

Terri: Whatever.

Glenn: Thank you.

Terri: Very good, Minister. I'll get to it.

Hugh: [to Terri] You're just doing your job. [After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie] Not very well.

Glenn: [on his cell phone] Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? [to Ollie] You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you.

Hugh: [to Glenn] The driver.

Ollie: [answering Glenn's question, despondently] Technically.

Hugh: [to Glenn] Will it be my usual driver?

Glenn: Yes, Hugh.

Hugh: I don't fucking like him.

Glenn: Why not?

Hugh: He's...I don't know. I think he despises me.

Glenn: We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to.

Hugh: He's sort of contemptuous.

Glenn: The driver?

Hugh: I feel like he looks down on me.

Glenn: No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure.

[Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to The World at One. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.]

Nick Clarke: [on the radio] The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...

Hugh: Well, you can fuck off for a start.

Nick Clarke: The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...

Hugh: [quite proudly] Evening!

Glenn: First story up.

Hugh: Top of the bill.

Nick Clarke: ...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its...

Hugh: Yes it is, and not before time!

Nick Clarke: ...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson...

Hugh: If you can get him out of the bath!

Nick Clarke: But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight...

Hugh: Well, that's marvelous.

[But then, Hugh's cell phone rings.]

Hugh: Oh, Tucker. [Happily answering the call] Malcolm.

Malcolm: What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you?

Hugh: Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury.

Malcolm: Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about.

Hugh: I can hear that you are, as usual, upset.

Malcolm: I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup!

Hugh: Mal– Malcolm –

Malcolm: You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister actually say to you?

Hugh: He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.'

Malcolm: What did he actually say?

Hugh: He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.'

Malcolm: 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it.

Hugh: I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything!

Malcolm: Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody New Avengers or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it.

Hugh: Scam Busters?

Malcolm: Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye.

[Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.]

Glenn: So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK?

Terri: [privately annoyed] OK, great.

Glenn: And Terri?

Terri: Hmmm?

Glenn: You can drop that tone, all right?

Terri: What tone?

Glenn: The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now!

[Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh. The hree of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.]

Hugh: All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire?

Ollie: So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it.

Glenn: Yep.

Ollie: Right.

Hugh: Yes.

Ollie: [to Glenn] Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny.

Glenn: [getting mad] Ollie!

Ollie: Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of...

Glenn: [settling down] You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity.

Ollie: It's not that easy to come up with Das Kapital in the back of a cab, Glenn.

Hugh: [intervening] Ollie.

Glenn: [to Hugh, handing him an electric razor] Here, shave.

[As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.]

Glenn: What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free.

Ollie: Return of capital punishment.

Hugh: [unimpressed] That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something.

Ollie: National spare room database.

[Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...]

Hugh: What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. [beat] That's shit, isn't it?

Glenn: [nodding] No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals.

Ollie: Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets?

Hugh: Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer.

Glenn: What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in...

Hugh: [appalled] You've fucking cracked! Are you mad?

Ollie: What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement.

Hugh: Oh, for goodness...

Ollie: No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this."

Hugh: On target, under budget.

Ollie: Coalface politics.

Hugh: Absolutely. Yes, I like that.

Glenn: Not wasting resources.

Hugh: Good. Let's do that.

Glenn: Let's go for that.

Hugh: We trick them. We trick them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" [beat] Yes, they never print that stuff, do they?

Ollie: Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this.

Hugh: You mugs! You mugs!

Ollie: But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel.

Hugh: Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that.

Glenn: And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it.

Hugh: Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it?

[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.]

Ollie: I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't...

Glenn: Springy concrete?

Hugh: [practicing his speech] Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?"

Glenn: Yes, very nice.

Hugh: Like a fucking panto dame.

Ollie: He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls."

Glenn: He's talking to the audience in front of him.

Hugh: [practicing] Real money for real families. [asking Glenn and Ollie] Real families or real people?

Glenn: Families.

Ollie: People. Real people.

Glenn: You see? Don't -- Families.

Ollie: Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds John Major.

Glenn: People sounds Communist.

Ollie: It doesn't sound Communist.

Hugh: I'll say families.

Glenn: Thank you, Hugh.

Ollie: Say families of people.

[A schools-woman approaches the room.]

Schools-woman: Mr. Abbot.

Glenn: Great. You're on. Here we go.

Hugh: Thank you.

Glenn: It's what you do best, mate.

Hugh: Yep. [to the schools-woman] This is lovely. Very nice indeed.

[But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.]

Hugh: Well, that was a fucking disaster.

[Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.]

Glenn: Well, you really pulled it round, mate.

Hugh: I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket.

Glenn: Yeah, and the bullets bounced off.

Hugh: This is what it's all about, Glenn.

Glenn: Yeah.

Hugh: This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit.

Glenn: When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them.

Hugh: Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that.

Glenn: Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns.

Hugh: Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt!

Glenn: That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do.

[Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.]

Hugh: It's a means to an end, mate.

[Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.]

Hugh: Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that?

Malcolm: Can I have a word with you?

[Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.]

[Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.]

Malcolm: [sighing heavily] I'm hacked off, mate.

Hugh: [stuttering] But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed.

Malcolm: Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera.

Hugh: S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense.

Malcolm: Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with The World At One. He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... [Malcolm takes a long pause] He stuck with the story.

Hugh: He liked it?

Malcolm: Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force.

Hugh: [smiling] Oh, right. [beat] We shouldn't really then have, I mean, you shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? [chuckles]

Malcolm: [unamused] Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this should be happening, SHOULD it? SHOULD IT? SHOULD IT?

Hugh: Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...?

Malcolm: It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told."

Hugh: What, um...What are we gonna do now?

Malcolm: You're gonna completely reverse your position.

Hugh: Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really.

Malcolm: Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did.

Hugh: No, no, I didn't, and there were television cameras there while I was not doing it.

Malcolm: Fuck them.

Hugh: I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.

Malcolm: Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they know that you never said it.

Hugh: Right.

Malcolm: But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying.

Hugh: Yeah, I-I am following this. I just...

Malcolm: I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK?

Hugh: Right.

Malcolm: There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this?

Hugh: The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance.

Malcolm: Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head.

Hugh: OK, stop explaining it to me!

Malcolm: I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough.

[Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.]

Ollie: I'm really glad you came in, Angela.

Angela Heaney: Well, I could lose my job, Ollie.

Ollie: Yeah...

Angela: Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day.

Ollie: I know,

Angela: They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me.

Ollie: Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny.

Angela: Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything."

Ollie: That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive.

Angela: Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin?

Ollie: Wh-Why? What sort of story? [Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...]

Angela: Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all fucked it up! Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on that one!

Ollie: Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis...

[Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.]

Malcolm: Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going?

Ollie: Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper...

Malcolm: [to Ollie] Oh, I don't know. [to Angela] Maybe you should! Good idea.

[Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.]

Malcolm: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio where the sad sack belongs. That's what I'd tell her. [to Ollie] But maybe you should do it. See you later.

Ollie: Yeah. [to Angela] He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day.

Hugh: I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again.

Glenn: On what grounds?

Hugh: Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. [Hugh turns to the driver] OK, thank you very much.

Driver: Which way do you want to go?

Hugh: I don't care, you're the boss.

Series 1, Episode 2

[This is the opening scene of the episode.]

Glenn: [to Hugh] You're late. And you look like shit.

Hugh: I know both of those things already. Margaret Thatcher used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible?

Glenn: Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs.

Hugh: And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye...

Glenn: Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat.

Hugh: I can't break my promise to Kate.

Glenn: I mean, do you actually get to see the children?

Hugh: Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal?

Glenn: It's sad.

Hugh: Well at least I've made something.

[Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.]

Hugh: Hello, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you?

Hugh: I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet.

Malcolm: Have you got to the bit where he calls you out of your depth?

Hugh: No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it?

Hugh: So, how do we respond to this?

Terri: Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.

Ollie: Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?

Glenn: This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.

Terri: Mm.

Hugh: That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.

Ollie: [to Terri] Watch and learn.

Hugh: [thinking of policy ideas] Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit.

Ollie: Aiming high.

Hugh: We aimed high, now we're at dog shit.

Ollie: So what you're looking for –

Malcolm: [entering the room] OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies –

Glenn: [to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm: – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff.

Ollie: Cliff being –

Glenn: Cliff Lawton.

Ollie: Oh right.

Malcolm: Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.

Hugh: Are they now?

Malcolm: Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.

[Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?]

Terri: It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!"

Malcolm: And you're against it?

Glenn: It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.

Glenn: Well, my guts still say no.

Malcolm: Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.

Hugh: Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um –

Malcolm: She's shit.

Hugh: Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Malcolm: She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box.

Hugh: No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box.

Malcolm: Exactly, I like that.

Hugh: I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm.

Malcolm: No, that's good.

Hugh: I have so much stuff to read and think about.

Terri: Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless.

Ollie: Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?!

Glenn: Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense!

Ollie: Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, "I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the National Trust, I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke." Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you!

Glenn: Was that good-natured joshing?

[Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.]

Malcolm: [answering the call] Tucker.

Simon Hewitt: Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up.

Malcolm: [spitting] Hewitt.

Simon: Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups.

Malcolm: [clearly unmoved] I'm shaking with fear.

Simon: Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy.

Malcolm: You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns.

Simon: Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do.

Malcolm: Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat!

Hugh: How fucked am I?

Ollie: Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...

Hugh: I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?

Glenn: Oh, 12.

Ollie: Yeah. 12, say.

Hugh: Out of what?

Glenn: Er... 50.

Ollie: Oh. Mine was out of ten.

Hugh: Right, [to Glenn] so I'm 24% fucked according to you, [to Ollie] but according to you I'm 120% fucked?

Ollie: Um, yeah, I didn't...

[But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.]

Glenn: [to Terri] Terri, have you got anything for us?

Terri: Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic.

Hugh: Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living?

Terri: This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that...

[Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.]

Malcolm: All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon.

Glenn: [to Malcolm] Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm: It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back.

[The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.]

Malcolm: At times of stress, I make jokes!

[Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.]

Hugh: [to Malcolm] Right, um...What do I do?

Malcolm: Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now.

[Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching a recording of The Bill. Hugh is almost dozing off, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!]

Hugh: Oh, shit.

Malcolm: Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000.

Hugh: Oh, shit.

Malcolm: What?

Hugh: She's an actress.

Malcolm: Who?

Hugh: Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress.

Malcolm: Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group."

[Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...]

Hugh: Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just...

Malcolm: Should I pause it?

Hugh: If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec.

[Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.]

Hugh: Glenn?

Glenn: What?

Hugh: I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group?

Glenn: What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception?

Hugh: She's an actress.

Glenn: What do you mean?

Hugh: Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress.

Glenn: Are you sure?

Hugh: I've just seen her, she's in The fucking Bill!

Glenn: Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster.

Hugh: Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home Middle England housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know –

[Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.]

Glenn: Yes. Yeah, I do know.

Terri: What, who said what wasn't what?

Hugh: [whispering to Terri] We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're not ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all!

[Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.]

Terri: [on the phone]' Can I get back to you?

Ollie: [to Glenn] What is it?

Glenn: Your fucking legend is a fucking actress!

Ollie: Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency –

Glenn: Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant!

Hugh: [whispering] We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone!

Glenn: [to Ollie] Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once?

[Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.]

Hugh: [still whispering] Shit! Shit!

[Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.]

Glenn: It's not real!

Terri: I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in Midsomer Murders.

Glenn: Why didn't you say anything?

Terri: I saw her in Midsomer Murders. I thought she might've had a twin or something.

Glenn: What a stupid thing to...

[While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.]

Hugh: Fuck! Fuck!

[But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.]

Malcolm: You said 'she.'

Hugh: Yes.

Malcolm: Come out of the cupboard, Hugh.

Hugh: No.

[Malcolm enters the cupboard.]

Malcolm: Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group –

Hugh: Yeah.

Malcolm: – you said 'she' loved it.

Hugh: We gave her a one-on-one.

Malcolm: Why?

Hugh: She's Middle England.

Malcolm: So Middle England is a big fucking field, with one woman standing in it?

Hugh: Do you think Hewitt will find out?

Malcolm: OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW!

[Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.]

Malcolm: [to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh] We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now!

[Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.]

Hugh: I didn't know that she's an actress!

Glenn: No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse!

Terri: [holding the phone] Ollie?

Ollie: Shut up!

Terri: Can you call her?

Ollie: Yes, I'll call her!

[Malcolm re-enters the picture.]

Malcolm: [to Hugh] How could I know you are a broken vase?

Hugh: What the fuck are you talking about?

Malcolm: You're a broken vase!

Hugh: How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape!

[Hugh comes up with a plan...]

Hugh: Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine.

Malcolm: Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen.

Ollie: Or we kill her.

[Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.]

Malcolm: [to Mary] Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow?

Hugh: Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you –

Mary: In a good way?

Hugh: No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you –

Malcolm: You know that film Notting Hill, have you seen that?

Glenn: She's probably fucking in it.

Malcolm: You know that bit where the guy opens the door –

Mary: What is this?

Malcolm: – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches.

Hugh [trying to comfort Mary]: It's OK, it's OK.

Malcolm: No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the stocks!

Mary: I still don't really understand what's going on.

Malcolm: We can hold those dogs back, right?

Mary: What do you mean?

Malcolm: We can get you a nice journalist, yeah?

Glenn: Yes, exactly.

Malcolm: We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that...

Mary: Who?

Malcolm: Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to.

Mary: I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist.

Malcolm: You spoke to Simon Hewitt.

Mary: No, I...

Malcolm: You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him.

Mary: [getting mad] I'd like to go now!

[Now, ALL the guys are shouting!]

Glenn: Did you speak to Simon Hewitt?

Mary: No! I don't even know...

Hugh: You didn't speak to him.

Malcolm: She didn't fucking speak to him.

[The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.]

Mary: I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck.

[Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.]

Ollie: Hewitt.

Mary: Hewitt, yeah.

Glenn: She doesn't even know! [to Malcolm] Malcolm...Fuck's sake!

Mary: [talking about Malcolm] What's the matter with him?

Glenn: Ollie. [Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.]

Hugh: [to Mary] Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you.

Malcolm: [trying to apologize to Mary] Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that...

Mary: Will you leave me alone?

[Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.]

Malcolm: FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Glenn: She didn't even know!

Malcolm: Fuck him!

Hugh: That didn't really work, did it?

Glenn: Is it too late...

Hugh: [confused and stunned] So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity...

Glenn: Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page?

Hugh: No. It's too late.

Glenn: You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now?

Malcolm: Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed.

Hugh: Kind of ironic, really...

Malcolm: You're fucking on your own! [Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.]

Hugh: ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn.

Hugh: [to Glenn] Can you wake me in a couple of hours? [Hugh lies down on a sofa] There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in.

Series 1, Episode 3

Terri: Did you say we were gonna do a press release?

Hugh: Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"

Dan Miller: How are you, Glenn?

Glenn: I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age.

Dan Miller: Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing.

[Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.]

Malcolm: I'm not complacent, Tom. [beat] Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a big hit. [beat] Oh yeah? Says who? [beat] Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. [beat] Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like Ready Steady Cook. You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? [beat] Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye.

[looking at Hugh's tie]

Glenn: What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they?

Hugh: I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures.

Hugh: So what time does this Daily Mail hack get here?

Glenn: Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you?

Hugh: So she left the Standard?

Glenn: That's right, absolutely.

Hugh: Go on then: ask me some questions.

Glenn: Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions.

Hugh: My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers.

Glenn: Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease –

Hugh: Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling.

Glenn: Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world?

Hugh: On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who deserve a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives.

[both start giggling]

Glenn: Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant!

Hugh: It's a piece of piss.

Glenn: There you are, you see.

Hugh: Go on, ask me something hard.

Glenn: Where's the Nazi gold, you donkey-shagger?

Hugh: I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large –

Malcolm [in his office, on his mobile]: Hi Tom, what can I do for you? [beat] Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the Standard – Fuck, she's just gone to the Mail. I'm onto it. [Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.]

[After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.]

Malcolm: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!?

Ollie: He's in the goldfish bowl!

Malcolm: Fuck...!

[Hugh is still talking to Angela.]

Hugh: No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...[Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl'] Just mucking about...Um...

Hugh: I have always maintained very clearly...

Malcolm: [opening the door] Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment?

Hugh: Sure. Sorry, be right back with you.

[Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...]

Malcolm: [to Hugh] They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!

[While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies]

Terri: Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee?

Angela: No, I'm fine, thanks.

Terri: Um, would you like some tea?

Angela: Nope, nope.

Terri: No biscuits or anything?

Angela: No.

Terri: Do let me know if you need anything else.

Angela: I will. Thanks very much.

Malcolm: [to Hugh] GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP!

[Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...]

Hugh: Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement.

Angela: Blimey.

Hugh: Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends.

Angela: Right.

[Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.]

Malcolm: [to Glenn] You haven't been accepting any offers?

Glenn: NO!

Malcolm: Jesus...

Glenn: Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town!

Malcolm: [to Ollie] What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh?

Ollie: Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea.

Malcolm: Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you?

Ollie: It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you.

Malcolm: Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet –

Ollie: If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months –

Malcolm: Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?

Ollie: Yeah, well.

Malcolm: That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.

[Malcolm's cell phone rings...]

Malcolm: [looking at his phone] Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. [answering] Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. [Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.]

[Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.]

Hugh: What is happening?

Ollie: What the hell was that?

Hugh: What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview.

Glenn: [to Hugh] What on Earth did you say to her?

Hugh: I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so.

Ollie: [to Hugh] You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go...

Hugh: Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any.

Ollie: What did you say about the offers?

Hugh: [stammering] I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers.

Glenn: Hugh?

Hugh: Hmm?

Glenn: Did you mention me by name?

Hugh: [still stammering] Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes.

Glenn: [displeased] Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch!

[Terri enters the office.]

Terri: OK, so what's the line on this then?

Hugh: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this?

Glenn: [to Hugh, still upset] I don't know! Don't look at me!

Hugh: But we need to have a line on this.

[Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.]

Malcolm: OK, we've got movement, we got a break.

Glenn: What? What? What?

Malcolm: The flat's sold.

Hugh: [in disbelief] WHAT?

Malcolm: To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright.

Glenn: Jesus!

Hugh: WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Terri: Malcolm?

Malcolm: Yeah?

Terri: We're too late.

Malcolm: What?

Terri: All the papers have got a hold of it. The Express has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more.

Malcolm: [stunned] Jesus...

Terri: Haven't been accepted.

Malcolm: We've got to stall.

Hugh: This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody!

Terri: [on her cell phone] Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate."

Hugh: Scandal?!

Malcolm: [whispering to Terri] Flatgate?!

Glenn: Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal.

Terri: They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate."

Hugh: Can we at least stop calling it a scandal?

Malcolm: [to Terri, unamused] Are you joking? Are you joking now?

Terri: [leaving the office] On my way to stall.

Malcolm: Yeah, get stalling.

[A moment of silence...and then...]

Hugh: Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri.

Glenn: That is an option, isn't it?

[The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate."]

Hugh: It's a flat!

Malcolm: It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake?

Hugh: It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks.

Malcolm: Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is burying the whole thing!

Hugh: Well, what do you want me to do? Resign? [Malcolm stares at him] No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this.

Malcolm: The way out of this situation is for you to –

Hugh: This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". Mollie Sugden at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick!

Malcolm: It is possible to have a good resignation, you know!

Hugh: "A good resignation"?! Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!

Malcolm: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh?! What a way to go, yeah?!

Ollie: You know, I'm just the counter man in McDonald's, I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.

Glenn: What does that make me?

Ollie: Ronald McDonald.

Glenn: Well, fuck off!

Malcolm: "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, Shits! That's what – [to Ollie] Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat! You're no' on a punt now.

Hugh [to Dan Miller]: I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now.

Hugh: Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'.

Series 2, Episode 1

(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)

Ollie: Terri, is, uh -- (Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.) Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not...

Robyn Murdoch: (smiling) Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman!

Ollie: Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster?

Glenn: (pretending to be seductive) Hey, Horatio! (beat) How's it hanging?

Ollie: It's hanging fine.

Glenn: Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey?

Ollie: Not all of them.

Glenn: What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um...

Ollie: Scrotum? What? What?

Glenn: (beside himself) Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day.

Ollie: Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so...

Glenn: Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers?

Ollie: It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though...

Glenn: Where the fuck's Terri?

Ollie: Oh, Terri. Did you not know?

Glenn: No.

Ollie: Malcolm's, um...

Glenn: Malcolm's what?

Ollie: Binned her. She's gone.

Glenn: You're jo...

(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)

Hugh: (to Ollie) Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy?

Glenn: Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone.

Hugh: What?

Glenn: Terri. Terri's gone.

Hugh: What do you mean "gone?"

Ollie: Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry.

Hugh: (very happy) NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE!

(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)

Robyn: (to Hugh) Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile.

Hugh: (much more sympathetic) I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)

Jamie: Where's Neil?

Malcolm: Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you?

Jamie: Have you seen the whips' numbers?

Malcolm: NoMFuP.

Jamie: Eh?

Malcolm: NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that?

Jamie: Yeah, it's very good.

Malcolm: I think I'll use that quite a lot today.

Jamie: I'll use it as well.

(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)

Malcolm: (to the journalist) OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it.

(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)

Jamie: What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. (Both men enter Malcolm's office.) They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses.

Malcolm: Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah?

Jamie: Obviously, yeah.

Malcolm: And how's the Minister?

Jamie: He's shitting himself. (laughs) He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting."

Malcolm: Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend.

Jamie: Oh, yeah, yeah.

(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)

Malcolm: (to Sam) Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible?

(Sam readily agrees.)

Malcolm: Thank you. Try not to drip in it.

(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)

Malcolm: (to Jamie) I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy?

Jamie: I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter?

Malcolm: No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle.

Jamie: Oh, I know.

Malcolm: I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron.

Jamie: Probably a moron.

(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)

Hugh: (looking at Ollie's cell phone) Is this yours? Is this new?

Ollie: Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10.

Hugh: It's got a camera on it?

Ollie: Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back.

Hugh: (to Glenn) Happy slap him. Go on.

Ollie: (to Hugh) How do you know about happy slapping? How do you begin to know about...

(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)

Ollie: (to Glenn) Get off!

Hugh: (to Glenn) Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again?

Ollie: (to Hugh) That's assault.

(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)

Ollie: (to Glenn) Get off, will you?

Hugh: (to Ollie) No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures.

Glenn: (to Ollie) I really like this!

Ollie: (to Glenn) I'll punch you in your substantial gut.

(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)

Ollie: (to Robyn) Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker!

(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)

Glenn: (to Hugh) We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by.

(Glenn takes the pic.)

Glenn: (to Hugh) Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit.

Ollie: Yeah, then you'll both be out.

Hugh: Giving head to the Policy Unit.

Glenn: (to Hugh) Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now?

Hugh: Yeah.

Glenn: We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay?

Ollie: Forgot the, um...

(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)

Glenn: (annoyed) Stupid boy.

Hugh: That was funny.

Glenn: That was funny?

Hugh: Yeah.

Glenn: I don't think it was funny.

Hugh: I'm an elected representative of the people.

Glenn: Yes?

Hugh: It was funny.

(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)

Malcolm: SAM!

(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)

Malcolm: Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. (Malcolm then sees Ollie.) What the fuck are you doing here?

Ollie: I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say...

Malcolm: I mean what are you doing there? Come on!

Ollie: All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your –

Malcolm: Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.

(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)

Robyn: I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers.

Hugh: Regional news?

Glenn: No nationals?

Robyn: Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that...

Hugh: Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that?

Malcolm: (to Geoff Holhurst) How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and what fucking FLAVOUR is it?

Ollie: (on the phone to Emma) Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! (beat) Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system.

Geoff Holhurst: (to Malcolm) Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1.

Ollie: (on the phone to Emma) Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night?

Malcolm: (to Geoff) You're worse than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures.

(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)

Hugh: Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello.

(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)

Factory Woman: Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?

Hugh: I'm sorry?

Factory Woman: Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?

Hugh: That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.

Factory Woman: But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss?

Hugh: I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this.

Factory Woman: Who do I talk to?

Hugh: Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you...

(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)

Hugh: What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with...

(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)

Factory Woman: But is that your answer? Is that your answer?

Hugh: Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it.

Factory Woman: You'll get someone to note my case?! Nobody's noted my case!

(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)

Factory Woman: STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU?

Hugh: (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just...

Factory Woman: OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts.

Glenn: The minister would love to know the facts.

Factory Woman: There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two!

Glenn: (to Hugh, quietly) Give her a smile...

Factory Woman: The rest are only kids!

(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)

Factory Woman: WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING!

(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)

Hugh: Glenn? Is she still saying it?

Glenn: Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment?

(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)

Glenn: Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know...

Hugh: Great shots?

Glenn: The thing is: Don't panic.

(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)

Factory Woman: ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!

(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)

Glenn: CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please!

(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)

Glenn: Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up.

Factory Woman: Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that?

(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)

Jamie: (to Christian Holhurst) Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him.

(Ollie's cell phone rings...)

Ollie: (answering his phone) Ollie Reeder? (beat) Um -- Sorry, who is this?

Christian Holhurst: (to Jamie and Malcolm) Obviously, he knew, but...

Ollie: (on his phone) No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. (Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.) Sorry, what? Who-Who are you?

Jamie: (to Christian) Well, you-you do talk to your dad?

Ollie: (on his cell) Well, how did you get...

Jamie: (to Christian) NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer!

Ollie: (on his cell) Please don't be aggressive. I will call back.

Malcolm: (to Christian) You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian.

(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)

Malcolm: (introducing himself to Mark) Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone.

Mark Davies: Yes.

Malcolm: Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing.

Mark: Yes...

(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)

Malcolm: Do you see what I have to work with?

Mark: I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he?

(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)

Malcolm: (to Mark's assistant) That shot, are you going to use that?

Mark: Malcolm.

(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)

Malcolm: Sorry, sorry.

Mark: Don't touch that.

Malcolm: This isn't in the package, is it, Mark?

(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)

Malcolm: (to Mark's assistant) You're not using that. You can't use that. (to Mark) This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way.

Mark: Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'.

Malcolm: Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal.

Mark: I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry.

Malcolm: But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman?

Mark: I'm sure my researchers have, yes.

Malcolm: Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have.

Malcolm: Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL!

Hugh: Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat?

Glenn: I know, and stupid.

Hugh: God, I hate this place.

(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)

Malcolm: Ollie.

Jamie: (to Ollie) We need you to fuck Hugh for us. (beat) Okay?

Ollie: (reluctantly) Okay.

Malcolm: (to Ollie) I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? (Ollie agrees) Good lad. Okay, see you later.

Ollie: (seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair) Oh nice, very nice.

Jamie: WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE!

Ollie: When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot!

Ollie: Fuck's sake. (Ollie answers his phone) Oliver Reeder.

Malcolm: Have you sorted it, Ollie?

Ollie: It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult –

Malcolm: Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that?

Ollie: No, no –

Malcolm: You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together.

Ollie: No, I'm fine.

Malcolm: Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine.

Ollie: Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. (Ollie hangs up) Dickwad. (Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it) Oliver Reeder.

Jamie: Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet?

Ollie: I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try –

Jamie: WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!

Ollie: (Ollie hangs up) Fuck's sake! (His phone rings yet again. He answers) I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? (beat) Yeah. Yeah, Solaris, here we come. Bye.

(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)

Hugh: Have you, though?

Glenn: What?

Hugh: Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss?

Glenn: No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know.

Hugh: Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss?

Glenn: No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship.

Hugh: No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss?

(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)

Malcolm: All right, folks, here we go.

(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)

News Announcer: Tonight, dramatic pictures...

(The newsroom office cheers.)

News Announcer: ...of voter anger over the NHS.

Jamie: (happily) Anything other than Number One spot is a big win.

News Announcer: ...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.

(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)

Glenn: CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?

Jamie: (quite amused) Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! (to Ollie) Hey, good photo.

Ollie: Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone.

Hugh: What fantastic landscaping...

(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)

(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)

Glenn: Who do you think looked worse? You or me?

Hugh: Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really.

Glenn: (quiet, but annoyed) Great.

(Glenn's cell phone rings.)

Glenn: Oh. Go away.

(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)

Glenn: I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. (Glenn's cell phone rings again.) They are all over me like shingles!

(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)

Hugh: It'll be OK.

Glenn: Do you think?

Hugh: Yeah, it'll probably be fine.

(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)

Hugh: (in a voicemail) Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very Malc-iavellian, if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye.

Factory Woman: (in a voicemail) Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you.

(deleted scene)

Jamie: Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free.

Ollie: OK.

Jamie: Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. (Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it) Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: (laughs slightly) I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, (grabs Frankie's head) and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT!

Series 2, Episode 2

(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")

Hugh: (on his cell phone) No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye.

(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)

Hugh: (to Robyn) Good morning.

Robyn: (cheekily smiling) Morning, Minister.

Hugh: Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm?

Robyn: Yep yep.

Hugh: First one?

Robyn: Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit.

Hugh: "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm."

Ollie: The Eye of the Snake.

Hugh: Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so...

Robyn: That's true.

Hugh: A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out.

Ollie: Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic.

Hugh: Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah.

Robyn: What about the...piss?

Hugh: (reassuring Robyn) No no no, it's just a figure of speech.

Robyn: I'd better go.

Ollie: See you later, Robyn.

Robyn: OK.

Ollie: (looking at his cell phone) I'm sure there's a way of...

Hugh: (chasing after Robyn) Robyn!

(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)

Hugh: (whispering to Robyn) Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle?

Robyn: I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late.

Hugh: Yeah, God, don't be late!

Robyn: Apparently, they shout things at the last one in.

Glenn: (entering the scene) If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears.

(Robyn leaves)

Hugh: (to Glenn) Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap.

Glenn: What?

Hugh: Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?

Glenn: That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's –

Ollie: (chuckling) You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you.

Hugh: Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red.

Glenn: I have not gone red. (points to his folder) That's red.

Ollie: Yeah!

Hugh: Look, he can hardly walk properly.

(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)

Malcolm: (entering the room) Morning morning morning morning!

Everyone else: Morning.

Malcolm: OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on Newsnight. I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines.

Reporter #1: It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand.

Malcolm: You grilled him?

Reporter #1: He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep.

Malcolm: I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? (Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.) And that is your job and your job. (He continues pointing.) And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right?

Robyn: Give them all the lines to say?

(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)

Malcolm: This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. (Laughter emanates from the room.) Right, next.

Robyn: Reshuffle?

Malcolm: (to Robyn, smiling) Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." (Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.) Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. I don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't.

Malcolm: (asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting) 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK?

(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)

Malcolm: (on his mobile) In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any (knock at door) – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off.

Hugh: (entering) Well I'll come the fuck in then.

Malcolm: (back on his mobile) It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? Mark Mardell, yeah, (laughs) that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. (hangs up) Hugh?

Hugh: I thought you would want to know as soon as possible.

Malcolm: What?

Hugh: Terri's dad.

Malcolm: Yeah?

Hugh: No news at the moment.

Malcolm: Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah?

Hugh: Yeah, I have.

Malcolm: Yeah?

Hugh: In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart...

Malcolm: Have you not heard?

Hugh: No.

Malcolm: (sighing heavily) He's paralysed.

Hugh: Oh no.

Malcolm: Neil's on wheels.

Hugh: You're kidding.

Malcolm: He's a vegetable.

Hugh: Oh my God.

Malcolm: Yeah.

(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)

Malcolm: That means you could have his department.

Hugh: Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much.

Malcolm: Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak.

(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)

Julius Nicholson: (to Malcolm) Are you in, sir?

Malcolm: (to Julius) Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson.

Hugh: (shaking Julius's hand) Hello, nice to see you again.

(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)

Malcolm: (to Julius) What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles?

Julius: (to Malcolm) I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon.

Malcolm: FSG briefing?

Julius: Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD...

Julius: As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you.

(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)

Hugh: (to Malcolm) That was a bit, um...Are you all right?

Malcolm: (annoyed) I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself.

Hugh: Under the spotlight now, aren't you?

Malcolm: Yeah, well, you should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you.

Hugh: Missus? What missus?

Malcolm: The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son.

Hugh: She doesn't -- She's hardly seen my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. (beat) Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like?

Malcolm: I mean, you just didn't click.

Hugh: (exasperated) We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible.

Malcolm: Don't take it so personally.

Hugh: You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it?

Ollie: Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving –

Robyn: Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about?

Ollie: Sorry?

Robyn: Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes.

Ollie: Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it?

Robyn: I think that would definitely do it.

Ollie: Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you?

Robyn: I'm really well, actually.

Ollie: Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific.

Robyn: All you had to do was ask me.

Ollie: Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. (Robyn bends down to get something) Phwoar! (She gets up and stares at Ollie) It was a joke.

(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)

Hugh: I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – (pulls a slightly disgusted face)

Ollie: Well what does that mean?

Hugh: Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling."

(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)

Malcolm: (on the phone) This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree.

(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)

Malcolm: (on the phone) Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.

Julius: (entering the office) Ah, Malcolm Tucker!

Malcolm: (to Julius) Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for?

(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)

Julius: I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival.

Malcolm: Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible.

Julius: And I need to read the O'Rourke papers.

Malcolm: I'm afraid not. Anything else?

(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)

Julius: Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem...

Malcolm: Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment.

Julius: That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper.

Malcolm: He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. BUT -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government.

Julius: Malcolm, that is my -- that is my JOB! That's my job!

Malcolm: Well, you're doing it very fucking well.

Julius: Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle.

Malcolm: With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit.

Julius: No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit.

Malcolm: Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. (getting up) Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit?

Julius: (standing up) Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access...

Malcolm: Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation?

Julius: It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal.

Malcolm: (confused) 21 men in here?

Julius: Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself...

Malcolm: That's not an office.

Julius: Yes, it is an office.

Malcolm: It's a pantry.

Julius: Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office...

Malcolm: (opening the pantry door) Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look.

Julius: So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. (Julius shuts the pantry door.)

Malcolm: (talking while eating something) What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?"

Julius: I'm here.

Malcolm: He's in the pantry!

Julius: (knocking on the pantry door) Here I am.

Malcolm: You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you.

(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)

Malcolm: Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?

Julius: Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick?

Malcolm: I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking Call My Bluff or whatever it is, I'm supposed to...

(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)

Malcolm: Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here!

(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)

Malcolm: Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there are human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right.

Julius: This is a perfectly usable office space...

Malcolm: (shutting the pantry door) Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here?

Julius: No I don't.

Malcolm: Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that.

(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)

Malcolm: That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry.

(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)

Julius: It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry.

(Discussing Julius Nicholson)

Hugh: Can't we just kill him, shoot him?

Ollie: What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.

Glenn: I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.

Hugh: What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?

(Julius walks in)

Ollie: I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, (having already noticed Julius) but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.

Hugh (to Ollie): I am desperate, but I don't really want to look desperate, like Glenn.

Glenn (entering): Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what?

Hugh: Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...

Ollie: Basic Instinct.

Hugh: You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing.

Glenn: Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you?

Hugh: Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.

Malcolm (on the phone): He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.

Hugh: Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn.

Julius: It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited.

Hugh: Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight.

Julius: So you – you've got your own bash here?

Hugh: Uh yeah.

Ollie: Yeah.

Julius: Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury?

Hugh: Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face.

Hugh: (telling a joke at his party) And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”

(No one laughs)

Hugh: And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. (to Ollie, whispering) A fiver if you set off the sprinklers.

Hugh: Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag!

Glenn: Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything!

Hugh: Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?

Malcolm: Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right?

Glenn: Yep.

Malcolm: Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?

Hugh: Quite possibly.

Malcolm: He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk.

Hugh: Circle jerk? What?

Ollie: It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. (to Malcolm) Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably?

Glenn: (on the phone to a journalist) Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments.

Malcolm (arriving at his 8.30 meeting): Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?

A press officer: Reshuffle!

Malcolm: Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: So how was Cabinet this morning?

Hugh: It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing.

Malcolm: OK.

Hugh: And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think that means?

Malcolm: Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, Constitutional Affairs.

Hugh: Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the Ginger Spice of the –

Malcolm: Of the what, Hugh? Of the what?

Hugh: Of the Gov– the whole –

Malcolm: Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in?

Hugh: There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the Heat magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of –

Malcolm: Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.

(deleted scene)

Hugh: It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me.

Ollie: Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing –

Hugh: Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat.

Ollie: Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point.

Hugh: Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework.

Ollie: Well, not Robyn.

Hugh: Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo –

Ollie: Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that.

Hugh: Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?

(deleted scene)

Glenn: Are you still in the frame for Question Time?

Hugh: I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. (Ollie laughs.) Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours?

Glenn: Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office.

Ollie: The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other quad', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about Chaucer or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons.

Hugh: Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions.

Glenn: That's why you have advisors, you twat.

Ollie: Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn.

Glenn: Yes, so am I, you are a twat.

Hugh: I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing.

(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)

Ollie: It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'.

Hugh: Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is incredibly dangerous.

Series 2, Episode 3

(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)

Hugh: Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this.

Glenn: You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work.

Hugh: But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it?

Glenn: Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders.

Hugh: Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard?

Glenn: No. Right. Yeah.

Hugh: Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it?

(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)

Ollie: (to Hugh and Glenn) Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision?

Hugh: Bollockvision?

Ollie: Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look.

(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)

Hugh: Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop.

Glenn: Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour.

Hugh: Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.

(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)

Hugh: Oh. How's your sister coping?

(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)

Glenn: So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails?

Hugh: Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.

Ollie: See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door.

Hugh: So what are we getting?

Ollie: Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about.

Glenn: And what to do with the Isle of Man.

Hugh: (annoyed) Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job.

(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)

Hugh: Where did that come from?

Ollie: Oh, Malcolm sent that.

Hugh: It's far too big. Why-why did he send it?

Ollie: Uh, office warming present.

Hugh: So why did he send us a present?

Ollie: I don't know.

Hugh: Has Security checked this?

Ollie: What for? Tiny little terrorists?

Hugh: Yes.

Ollie: (annoyed) It's a plant! Yes?!

Hugh: (moving on) Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.

Glenn: New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?

Hugh: Yeah.

Ollie: Making special needs kids clean up graffiti?

Hugh: (displeased) Yeah, that's just very mean.

Ollie: Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean.

Glenn: (to Hugh, calmly but not happily) I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.

Ollie: Okay.

(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)

Hugh: You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie.

Ollie: Why?

Hugh: Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school.

Ollie: Oh.

Hugh: Yep.

Ollie: ...Glenn's had sex?

Hugh: God, you're such a prick, Ollie.

Ollie: It's just a joke!

Hugh: There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry!

Ollie: Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. (smiles smugly) Luckily, I was able to fulfill them.

(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)

Malcolm: So did you enjoy the show?

Glenn: (to Malcolm, jokingly) You were magnificent, darling.

Hugh: (to Malcolm) Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?

Malcolm: (to Hugh) No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?

Hugh: Well...

Malcolm: No. This is my bollocking face?

(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")

Hugh: Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.

Malcolm: Did I send that?

Hugh: As an office warming present.

Malcolm: Christ, she's a great P.A., isn't she, Sam?

Hugh: Yeah.

Malcolm: She always remembers the little people. (looking at the plant) Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. (back to Glenn and Hugh) So what do you think of the new building, eh?

Hugh: Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed.

Glenn: Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window.

Terri: (on the phone, calling out to Glenn) Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief.

Malcolm: (to Terri) How much, love?

Terri: Sorry?

Glenn: Okay, I'm on it.

Hugh: (to Glenn) I'll catch you later.

Malcolm: (to Hugh, smiling) I like your tan, by the way.

Hugh: Thank you.

Malcolm: Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend?

Hugh: I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend.

Malcolm: Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend.

Hugh: You're not really my friend.

Malcolm: So this, uh, Super Schools Bill...

Hugh: Yep.

Malcolm: You don't think it's so super, do you?

(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)

Hugh: You're doing it now.

Malcolm: (unflinching) What?

Hugh: That's your bollocking face.

(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)

Malcolm: You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids.

Hugh: R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he...

Malcolm: The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say?

Hugh: What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea!

Malcolm: Yeah, but I've got an expert who will deny that.

Hugh: And SEN parents want the special schools kept open.

Malcolm: Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that.

Hugh: Who is your expert?

Malcolm: I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah?

Hugh: (reluctantly) OK.

(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)

Hugh: But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children.

Roy Smedley: When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given.

Glenn: (wearily) Inclusion is an illusion.

Hugh: Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to...

Roy Smedley: You spoke to Mark Ryan?

Hugh: Yeah, well, some expert advice, so...

Roy Smedley: (mockingly) OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan?

Hugh: Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan?

Roy Smedley: In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given.

Hugh: Is it?

(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)

Glenn: (responding to the alert) Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important.

Hugh: Is our-Is our e-mail up and running?

Glenn: No. No, no, this is my hotmail.

Hugh: (to Roy Smedley) Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um...

(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)

Roy Smedley: (to Glenn) We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen?

Glenn: Indeed.

Roy Smedley: So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create...

Glenn: Sorry?

Roy Smedley: ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools.

Glenn: The minister won't be a moment.

(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)

Ollie: Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience.

Robyn: What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place.

Terri: What are these, um, hangy-down things?

Ollie: Oh, they're acoustic baffles, they stop it getting too echoey in here.

Robyn: So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming?

Ollie: Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building.

Malcolm: (spotting them from the ground floor) HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!

(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)

Terri: Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly?

Hugh: Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that mustn't happen! You've got – I need you, to –

Terri: What, to lie?

Hugh: I think it was Derrida who said there is no such thing as actual empirical truth, but only –

Terri: Yeah, I'll tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!'

(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)

Hugh: You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble.

Terri: (finally opening the door) I can't even get out the fucking room! (storms out)

(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)

Ollie: How was that?

Hugh: I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building?

Ollie: Malcolm in the Middle.

Hugh: What?

Ollie: It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments.

Hugh: Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now.

Glenn: Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything.

Hugh: Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch.

Glenn: It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler.

Hugh: Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy.

Hugh: Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?

Malcolm: I'm a shape-shifter.

Hugh: It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me.

A civil servant: I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please?

Malcolm: I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, SHITE!!! FUCK OFF! (to Ollie) Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK?

Ollie: Pretty well, yeah.

Malcolm: Is that a lie?

Ollie: Yeah.

Malcolm: That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just –

Claire Ballentine: Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before?

Hugh: No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done.

Hugh: I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.

Malcolm: Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.

Hugh: What?

Malcolm: Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.

Malcolm: (to Terri) God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.

(deleted scene)

Ollie (on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office): Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? (sees the man mime fellatio) Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! (hangs up) You prick!

(deleted scene)

Hugh: First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of Footballers' Wives.

Glenn: How do you know about Footballers' Wives?

Hugh: Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks.

The Rise Of The Nutters

(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)

Ollie: I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party.

Emma Messenger: Good. You should be impressed.

Ollie: Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy.

Emma: Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is...

Ollie: No no no no. Mine is...

Emma: What?

Ollie: ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is if we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...

Emma: Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie.

Ollie: I win.

Emma: Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it?

Ollie: Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me.

Emma: You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie.

Ollie: Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power.

(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)

Jamie: Hey, Poxbridge!

Malcolm: Hello!

Jamie: Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer!

Malcolm: I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas?

Ollie: What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then?

Jamie: Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. (to Emma) You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma?

Emma: Emma. It's Emma.

Jamie: Emma. Hi, Emma.

Malcolm: (to Ollie) What are you doing down here?

Ollie: I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day.

Malcolm: Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? (to Emma) He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker.

(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)

Emma: I'll see you later.

Ollie: Yeah, see you later. (Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)

(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)

Jamie: (to Ollie) So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing?

Malcolm: (to Ollie) Did you take her home for Christmas?

Ollie: No. God, no. I couldn't do that.

Malcolm: Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies.

(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)

Peter Mannion: Are they actually sleeping together?

Phil Smith: Yes, yeah. In the flat.

Peter: Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear?

Phil: Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker."

Peter: Oh, God. (beat) Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror.

Phil: No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then?

Peter: You've been watching CSI again, haven't you?

(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)

Emma: Morning.

Phil: (to Emma) Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy?

Emma: (sarcastically) Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were.

(The three of them are nearing the office...)

Peter: (to Emma) What time are you seeing Stewart?

Emma: It'll be in about half an hour. What about you?

Peter: (groaning) Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the Ryanair queue.

Emma: Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember?

Peter: Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around.

Phil: Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag.

(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)

Phil: Right. What's up first, then, Peter?

Emma: While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around.

Peter: He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers?

Phil: Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog.

Peter: (groaning again) Oh, God. Really?

Phil: I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time.

Peter: Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. (Peter turns to Phil) Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out.

Phil: I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments.

Peter: (to Emma) Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are.

(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)

Malcolm: (to Ollie) Where's My Little Phony? Ben Swain. What's his Newsnight angle gonna be, then?

Ollie: Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?

Malcolm: (chuckling) Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already?

Ollie: Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...

Jamie: The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark.

Malcolm: Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with Stephen Fry or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture.

Ollie: Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...

Jamie: Pat Morrissey?

Ollie: Yeah.

Jamie: Her? What, Fat Pat?

Ollie: Yeah.

Jamie: "Pumpkin Tits?"

Ollie: Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. (to Malcolm) I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously.

Malcolm: (sarcastically) Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick!

Ollie: So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.

Malcolm: (beside himself) Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days.

Jamie: Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like mela-fucking-noma.

Malcolm: (to Ollie) See you later. See you in a tick.

Jamie: (to Ollie) What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

Ollie: I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.

(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)

Ollie: Hey, Terri!

Terri: Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year!

Ollie: How was Christmas?

Terri: Oh, you know...

Ollie: Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." (Ollie follows Terri into an office.) Every bloody year.

Terri: Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home.

Ollie: Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on Newsnight?

Terri: Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?

Ollie: Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me.

Terri: Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually.

Ollie: Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?"

Terri: You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists.

Ollie: (laughing) Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists.

Terri: (dead serious) I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health.

(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)

Ben Swain: Morning, all!

Terri: Benjamin! Happy New Year!

Ollie: Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj.

Ben: Happy New Year to you as well.

Glenn: (to Ben) These are the briefing notes.

Ben: Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn.

(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)

Glenn: (to Ben) If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right?

Ben: Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to.

(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")

Ollie: (impressed) This is looking good. When is it coming out?

Ben: End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party?

Terri: (to Ben) Great title.

Ben: Thank you.

Ollie: And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh...

Ben: By Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes.

Ollie: There you go, you have hidden talents.

Ben: Anyone heard from "The Hughster?"

Terri: Yes, he's suffering from jet lag.

Ollie: (to Ben) Have you ever been to Australia?

Ben: No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things.

Ollie: Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here.

(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)

Ollie: (jokingly) Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.

Ben: Heh-heh, good.

(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)

Glenn: Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him.

Ollie: All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry.

Glenn: Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s.

(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)

Ollie: Happy trails.

(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)

Peter: (coughing) Oh, I can't get rid of this.

Phil: I bet you're looking forward to your holiday.

Peter: Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because...

Phil: Carbon.

Peter: No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom.

Phil: (looking at two lamps) What is that?

Peter: It's just –

Phil: Is that raffia?

Peter: He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he?

Phil: It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA.

Peter: I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men.

Phil: I know.

Peter: Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to old money? Because that's not me!

Phil: (confused) You've still got a video?

Peter: I'm a one-nation party.

(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)

Stewart Pearson: (smiling) Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting?

Emma: (to Peter) You all right?

Peter: Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around.

Stewart: Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff.

Peter: I was talking about the cold hanging around.

Stewart: Oh, right. (Stewart heads back into his office.) Thanks very much, Em.

(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)

Phil: Was that fun there?

Emma: Yeah, it was useful.

Phil: Playing with the big boys?

Emma: Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh?

Phil: No.

(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)

Stewart: So. How are you, then?

Peter: (nodding) Fine, I'm-I'm fine.

Stewart: Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"...

Peter: Still fine.

Stewart: Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... (Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.) Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good.

Peter: But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie.

Stewart: Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? Robert Palmer, Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on.

Peter: (in amused disbelief) Is this a joke?

Stewart: Try the suit on.

(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)

Stewart: Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed?

Peter: Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' (awkward silence) No tie, you say?

Stewart: No tie.

Peter: Quite a nice suit, actually.

Stewart: So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers.

Peter: Outside? Not tuck my shirt in?

Stewart: Yeah.

Peter: I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you?

Stewart: Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing.

Peter: (untucking his shirt) I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for not doing it.

Stewart: Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm.

(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)

Jamie: Mr. Swain.

Ben: Jamie.

Malcolm: Good morning, Ben.

Ben: Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm: (to 2 office workers) Off you two fuck.

(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)

Malcolm: Right, Ben, heard the big news about Paxo.

Ben: Oh right.

Malcolm: What was it you did in your gap year again?

Ben: Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –

Malcolm: Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, unless, unless...you listen to us.

Jamie: He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.

Ben: Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.

Malcolm: Who?

Ben: George Alagiah.

Jamie: Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.

Malcolm: This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?

Ben: Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...

Jamie: (pulling up a chair) Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh?

(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)

Jamie: (As Paxo) Immigration is in disarray. What are you going to do about it?

Ben: Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...

Jamie: Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck!

(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)

Phil: Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here?

Emma: Oh, are you a bit jealous?

Phil: Of the man from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something.

Emma: I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge.

Phil: Oh, yeah.

Emma: So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe.

Phil: Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in –

Ollie: (returning from the toilet) Your life?

Phil: Yes.

(Ollie laughs)

(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's Newsnight interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)

Emma: What's he doing with his eyes?

Ollie: Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink.

Malcolm: That's a mega blink! It's not just a blink.

Ollie: He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. (impersonates a cow mooing in pain)

Phil: Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.

Jamie: The cameramen are laughing.

Ollie: 'J-j-j-j-just'!

Emma: Stop him, stop him!

Ollie: He spelled 'just' with four Js!

Malcolm: He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!

Phil: It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically (gibberish).

Jamie: Well, what about the coalface?

Malcolm: Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.

(After Ben Swain's interview)

Ollie: Well he certainly looked like a Nutter.

Emma: He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone.

Phil: It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car.

Ollie: He didn't mention the coalface idea.

Jamie: (to Ben, in the car back from the studio) You don't deserve to live!

Peter: How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me?

(they all go to the computer)

Phil: There we go.

Emma: Oh, brilliant.

Phil: Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch.

Peter: Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like?

Phil: Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go.

Peter: "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook."

Phil: What?

Peter: Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door.

Emma: Oh come on, that's not too bad.

Peter: "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago!

Phil: I hadn't seen that one.

Peter: "Adulterous Nazi"?

Phil: Or that one.

Emma: That's actually I think the same one.

Peter: This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible.

Emma: Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible.

Peter: Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake.

Emma: The chutney?

Peter: Yes, it's up the arse.

Emma: See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.

Phil: What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas?

Emma: You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite.

Phil: You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas.

Emma: You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him.

Peter: (knocking from behind glass) What's going on?

Phil: Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it.

Peter: (to Emma) Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work.

Emma: (to Phil) Thanks a lot, Supergrass.

Malcolm (seeing Ben Swain arrive): Oh, here he is. Dead man walking.

Jamie: (impersonating Ben) 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' (normal voice) What's your favourite band, blink-182?

Jamie: That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag.

Malcolm: Talking of which –

Ollie (entering): Hi.

Jamie and Malcolm: Hey!

Jamie: Is it Rag Week?

Malcolm: Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.

Jamie: Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.

Ollie: Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it.

Jamie: Who, when?

Ollie: Peter Mannion, I don't know when.

Malcolm: How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ!

Jamie: You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.

Ollie: Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out!

Jamie: Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're David fucking Niven!

Malcolm: Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head.

Ben: Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is –

Malcolm: And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

Ben: Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you.

Jamie: I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson!

Malcolm: He loves Al Jolson.

Jamie: The Governor!

Ollie: 'Maaammy.'

Jamie: You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock! And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track (to Ben) by crushing your balls!

Emma: (to Phil) Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie.

Ollie: Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey?

Emma: Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?

Ollie: Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner!

Emma: If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little –

Phil: (laughing) That's funny.

Ollie and Emma: Fuck you, Phil!

Phil: Oh, suddenly I'm the bad guy again.

Ollie: Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go.

Phil: Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible.

Ollie: I will be so not sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – (to Emma) it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! (leaves)

Emma: Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side!

Phil: He's got keys?

(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")

Malcolm (on the phone): The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK?

Glenn (at his sister's Welsh cottage): You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover.

Malcolm: Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.

Glenn: So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?

Malcolm: You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! (hangs up)

Jamie: (walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story) You seen this?

Malcolm: No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me.

Jamie: All right, all right. What are we doing?

Malcolm: What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here.

Jamie: Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything.

Malcolm: You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy!

Ollie: Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It is you, you hideous vacuous Sloane bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of –

Malcolm: I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder.

Ollie: Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here –

Malcolm: Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me.

Ollie: Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're –

Malcolm: How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ever, call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands.

Peter: Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm Hamish MacDeath?

Jamie: It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it?

Peter: Hah! That's right.

Jamie: I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?

Peter: Just the love child: I was the quiet one.

Phil: Like John Deacon in Queen.

Terri (on her phone): Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg.

(deleted scene)

Jamie: Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no?

Ben: Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – (sees Jamie mime fellatio) He's not gonna do that, is he?

Malcolm: Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks.

Ben: No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm.

Malcolm: You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in.

Ben: All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'.

Jamie: That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but everyone doesn't need to know.

(deleted scene)

(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)

Ollie: Still, at least Hugh will be pleased.

Phil: Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the Midas touch, except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger.

Ollie: Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing?

Phil: Shitfinger.

(deleted scene)

(seeing Ben Swain arrive)

Malcolm: Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame.

Jamie: You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying?

Malcolm: Have I seen you on the telly?

Ben: (laughs) Yeah. Blockbuster, 1991, I got a Gold Run.

Malcolm: You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with Pavarotti! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise!

Ben: Can I get you two fellows a drink?

Malcolm: An orange juice, yeah, yes.

Ben: Jamie?

Jamie: Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here?

Malcolm: He's a wee bit disappointed.

Jamie: We'll get you on Newsround next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that.

Ben: Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll –

Jamie: DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! (leaves)

Malcolm: He trained as a priest.

Ben: Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius Pete Doherty Nicholson?

Julius: Who's Peter O'Doherty?

Malcolm: Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield.

(deleted scene)

Glenn (in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone): Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane?

Malcolm: No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are?

Glenn: Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home.

Malcolm: Did I?

Glenn: Yeah!

Ollie (in Malcolm's office, on the phone): Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here.

Malcolm: What is the problem?

Ollie: He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something.

Malcolm: Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away.

Spinners and Losers

(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)

Ollie: (answering his phone) Angela, hello.

Angela: Ollie. How are you?

Ollie: I am tickety-fuckety-boo, thank you very much.

Angela: Sorry?

Ollie: Tickety-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says.

Angela: Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then?

Ollie: Well, you know...Just, could you...

(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)

Ollie: (to Angela) Hang on just a second...

(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)

Ollie: (in a quieter voice) Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben.

Angela: So go on, tell me: Who else is running?

Ollie: (in the men's toilets) Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. (Starts using the urinal) They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, Ted Baker teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader –

Angela: Ollie! Are you pissing?

Ollie: Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory.

Angela: I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis.

Ollie: Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela.

Angela: Er, yes it is.

Ollie: No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say.

Malcolm: Has anybody seen Jamie?

Glenn: Why, have you lost him?

Ollie: Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!

Malcolm: Let's not overreact.

Ollie: Easy for you to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock!

Malcolm: But you get that a lot, though, don't you?

(discussing Dan Miller)

Glenn: You don't think he's got a chance, do you?

Ollie: Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – (makes robotic noises and gestures)

Malcolm: (lecturing Ollie) Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy, and with less warmth.

(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)

Adam Kenyon: Right, Geoff Holhurst?

Angela: Yeah.

Adam: Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? Shallow Throat? Brilliant.

Angela: Yeah, I know you don't rate him.

Adam: You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote Robert F. Kennedy, a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with Janet Street-Porter on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku.

(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)

Cliff: Malcolm.

Malcolm: Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to?

Cliff: I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign.

Malcolm: Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.

Cliff: Yes, fuck you, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Yeah, Happy New Year.

(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)

Malcolm: Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand.

Geoff: Oh. (Geoff sits back down)

Malcolm: No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious.

Geoff: Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing.

Malcolm: Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... (Malcolm sits down in his chair) You're gonna waste everybody's time.

Geoff: I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government.

Malcolm: Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you.

Geoff: Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing.

Malcolm: Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking.

Geoff: (laughing) I'm not drinking.

Malcolm: And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head.

Geoff: (offended) No I haven't!

Malcolm: Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it.

Geoff: Look...

Malcolm: See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell.

Geoff: I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right?

Malcolm: It is very petite. So you're not standing...

Geoff: No.

Malcolm: Right? You will not stand against Tom.

Geoff: I've said. I've bloody said.

Malcolm: Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. (Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.) Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete.

Geoff: (leaving the office) Jesus...

(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)

Malcolm: (seeing Nick enter) Oh, Nice Nutter Nick!

Nick Hanway: What was all that about?

Malcolm: (standing up again) Just, you know, putting out a fire.

Nick: Definitely out?

Malcolm: Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here?

Nick: Yeah, of course, yeah.

Malcolm: So how's the rebrand going?

Nick: Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester.

Malcolm: (chuckling) Oh, Jesus Christ, really?

Nick: Yeah.

Malcolm: (jokingly as a reporter) "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" (and now as Tom) "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before."

Nick: Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on Today in the morning?

Malcolm: Sure, yeah. Do you know?

Nick: Yeah, we just found out. So -- you know who it is?

Malcolm: Well, of course I know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know.

Nick: Who is it?

Malcolm: Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway?

Nick: Because Hugo at Today told us.

Malcolm: Right.

(A bit of a pause...)

Nick: So what name have you got?

'(Another hide-and-seek pause...)

Malcolm: Dan Miller.

Nick: Oh, okay, so you do know.

Malcolm: Of course I fucking do.

Nick: Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's...

Malcolm: That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is?

Nick: The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm.

(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)

Malcolm: Nick. (beat) Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh--

(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)

Jamie: (to Malcolm and Nick) Oh! Trinny and Susannah! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, (to Malcolm) so fuck you, (to Nick) and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening.

Nick: So you're backing Dan Miller, are you?

Jamie: No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!

Malcolm: Fatty?

Jamie: Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, Motherwell rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!

Malcolm: Geoff Holhurst.

Jamie: Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off.

(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)

Jamie: Are you a horse?

Cliff: (confused) Sorry?

Jamie: Are you a fucking horse?

Cliff: Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What?

Jamie: Are you a fucking horse?

Cliff: Okay, no, I'm not a horse.

Jamie: Are you sure?

Cliff: I'm sure.

Jamie: You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you?

Cliff: Okay, leaving the wife aside...

Jamie: Are you a horse?

Cliff: No...

Jamie: EXACTLY!

Cliff: I can categorically say that I am not a horse.

Jamie: Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a stalking horse. You are the real thing.

Cliff: (nodding in agreement) Oh, right.

Jamie: And we are going to ram you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth.

Cliff: It's not a very nice image, really, is it? (beat) But it's very motivating.

Glenn: And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on Strictly Come Dancing.

Ollie: He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time.

Glenn: He often has.

Malcolm (to Robyn): You are going to bury this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with me at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – Israel or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP!

Robyn: Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening.

Malcolm: Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. (Robyn still looks terrified) It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine.

Glenn: Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone –

Malcolm: Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him.

Glenn: What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in?

Malcolm: Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name.

Glenn: So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in?

Malcolm: Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.

Jamie: OK, the line is: wildcat walkout, we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK?

Malcolm: (on the phone to Jamie) There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now!

Jamie: Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm.

Cliff: I will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me.

Jamie: Jesus, this isn't EastEnders! This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands!

(Jamie's cell phone rings)

Cliff: All right –

Jamie: (answering the phone) Yeah?

Malcolm: Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then?

Cliff: Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. (reads from his speech)

Malcolm: It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on?

Jamie: Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah?

Malcolm: Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?

Jamie: Fuck you. (hangs up)

Cliff: ... To put it simply, I'm back!

Jamie: Oh fuck off, Cliff.

Cliff: Sorry?

Jamie: Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off.

Cliff: This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know!

Jamie: Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark.

Malcolm: You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?

Jamie: Yeah.

Malcolm: You and I will have a little discussion later.

Jamie: Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples.

Malcolm: What are you talking about?

Jamie: Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking Smints. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I think that will bump the Watford walkout.

Malcolm: You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! (leaves) TWAT!

Ollie: (answering his mobile) Hello.

Malcolm: Right, what's the plan?

Ollie: Well, they don't have a plan.

Malcolm: Okay, well perhaps you should give them one.

Ollie: Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that –

Malcolm: Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff!

Ben Swain: What do you think?

Nick Hanway: Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone.

Malcolm: Are you in on this?

Jamie: I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.

Malcolm: Au contraire.

Jamie: What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London comprehensive.

Terri: Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.

Angela Heaney: They've ditched Ballentine.

Adam Kenyon: What? Already?

Angela Heaney: Yeah.

Adam Kenyon: What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who is standing?

Angela Heaney: I dunno.

Adam Kenyon (to another journalist working on a Ballentine story): Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face.

Angela Heaney: You know, I think you should eat something.

Adam Kenyon: Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole!

Angela Heaney: Seriously, your blood sugar's low.

Adam Kenyon: Right.

Angela Heaney: Makes you very irritable.

Adam Kenyon: No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having no fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions!

Malcolm: And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story –

Adam Kenyon: Yeah.

Malcolm: I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right?

Adam Kenyon: Right.

Malcolm: And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay?

Adam Kenyon: Good, thank you, again.

Malcolm: Talk to you later.

Adam Kenyon: Cheers. Bye bye now. (Hangs up. To Angela) He's a nice guy.

Jamie: (to Terri and Robyn) Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet?

Glenn: I have. It's Julius! He's just told me –

Jamie: Wait, no, what – That – Julius?

Glenn: Yeah.

Jamie: Nicholson? That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!

Julius: Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.

Malcolm (to Ben): I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.

Adam Kenyon: What's the news, just –

Angela Heaney: What?

Adam Kenyon: Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're The Independent, we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish.

Angela Heaney: Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain.

Adam Kenyon: Ben Swain?

Angela Heaney: Yeah.

Adam Kenyon: Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron –

Angela Heaney: Service.

Adam Kenyon: The Special Boat Service or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.

Angela Heaney: Ben Swain is what I'm hearing.

Malcolm: The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over.

Ben Swain: And so the –

Malcolm: That's great, isn't it?

Ben Swain: Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean?

Malcolm: Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a very buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it?

Ben Swain: What does that mean for me, then?

Malcolm: I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.

Ben Swain: But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!

Malcolm: Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you were in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new Pope. Maybe, you can download rice! I want you right now to think about your future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? (walking out) Half an hour ago.

Malcolm: What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.

Jamie: Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak fuck!

Julius: Sorry, what are you talking about?

Jamie: Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT!

Julius: Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me –

Jamie: (impersonating Julius) 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' (normal voice) You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!

Julius: James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor–

Malcolm: Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn.

Julius: I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you –

Malcolm: Eat that prawn. (throws a slice of pizza at Julius) Eat a bit of fucking pizza.

Julius: Don't be stupid. Malcolm –

Malcolm: Eat another prawn. (throws a prawn)

Julius: Stop it!

Malcolm: (throws more food) Have some fucking chow mein!

Julius: Malcolm –

Jamie: Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head!

Malcolm: (to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese) Get that fucking cheese over there!

Jamie: EAT THE CHEESE!

Julius: I don't want the cheese, stop it!

Glenn: Go on, have some!

Jamie: (throwing food at Julius) EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC–

Julius: (being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie) This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just –

Jamie: Fuck!

Julius: What the fuck are you doing, mate? (runs out of the door)

Malcolm: Hey hey hey, right!

Jamie: EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! (chasing after Julius) EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!

Glenn: Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! I AM A MAN! And –

Terri: I know, listen –

Glenn: No you don't –

Terri: I do!

Glenn: I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant.

Terri: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn –

Glenn: FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?! WELL, FUCK TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! Auf Wiedersehen Pet, the party's over, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL!

Malcolm (receives an alert on his phone): Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here.

Nick Hanway: Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.

Malcolm: Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat Kettle Chips? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon.

(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)

Glenn: I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it!

Ollie: You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway.

Malcolm: You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

(deleted scene)

Ollie: Guardian Online, right?

Glenn: Yes.

Ollie: I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire.

Glenn: What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say?

Ollie: 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.'

Glenn: Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text.

Ollie: 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. (Glenn laughs.) And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?'

Glenn: Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela?

Ollie: Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'?

Glenn: He hasn't.

Ollie: No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'.

Glenn: Oh, right.

Ollie: While wanking.

(deleted scene)

Nick Hanway: Why tonight of all fucking nights, why tonight?

Malcolm Tucker: Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home.

Opposition Extra

Emma Messinger: Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really is the strategy.

Peter Mannion: We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it.

Emma Messinger: If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels.

Peter Mannion: Well, weasily done.

Emma Messinger: Sorry?

Peter Mannion: It's weasily done.

Phil Smith: It's a joke.

Emma Messinger: That was a joke?

Peter Mannion: Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off.

Emma Messinger: Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he?

Peter Mannion: Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.

Peter Mannion: I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech!

Adam Kenyon: Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then Gordon Ramsay walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.

Emma Messinger (arriving at Peter's house): Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. (whispers) Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry.

Peter Mannion: Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.

Stewart Pearson (on the phone): Peter, we need you to go on News 24, like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM.

Peter Mannion: If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments?

Stewart Pearson: No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket.

Emma Messinger: Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand!

Stewart Pearson: Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– (to a colleague outside his office) Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that you think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. (back on the phone) JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as Norman Wisdom. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?

(watching TV in their flat)

Emma Messinger: Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.

Phil Smith: No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does Noel Gallagher getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?

Ollie (answers his mobile): Morning.

Emma: Yeah, have you seen the Mail?

Ollie: Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why?

Emma: They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.

Ollie: What? Me – What, I'm in it?

Emma: You look very very pasty and about nine, so –

Ollie: Am I a winner or a loser?

Emma: You are a loser!

Ollie: I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – (Emma is listening to the radio) God, is that Ben on Today in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous.

Emma: Oh come on, it's only the Mail, don't worry about it.

Ollie: Yeah, yeah, I know it's the Daily Mail, but you know – my mum gets the Mail.

Series 3, Episode 1

(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)

Malcolm: Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod.

Ed: I think he's expecting to be offered Transport.

Malcolm: Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right?

Malcolm: (on his cell phone) He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.

Malcolm: Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song!

(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)

Ollie: (looking at his computer) Remtard at Energy and Climate Change.

Terri: Really? I'm not getting that. (Terri looks at her computer.) It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington?

Ollie: (slightly annoyed) Refresh the page.

Terri: Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty!

Ollie: Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.

Terri: They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much.

Ollie: Well he doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?

(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)

Malcolm: I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew.

(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)

Glenn: Well. That's Hugh gone, then.

Terri: It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh.

Glenn: Yeah.

Ollie: (to Terri) You don't give a shit!

(beat)

Terri: ...No, well, perhaps I don't.

Ollie: Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?

Terri: Isn't he in Harry Potter?

Glenn: Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery.

Ollie: Right.

Malcolm: (calling out to Doug Hayes) Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like the Pink Panther's tail. Come have a Kit Kat.

Doug Hayes: I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me.

(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)

Malcolm: Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head.

Terri: (to Glenn and Ollie) Have you two finished emptying your desks yet?

Glenn: (agitated) Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go.

Terri: I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer.

Glenn: Hand cream?

Terri: Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax...

Ollie: (mocking Glenn) Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? (beat) I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown.

Malcolm: (on his phone again) Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.

(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)

Terri: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.

(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)

Nicola Murray: (on the phone to her husband.) Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. (beat) I didn't know. I had no idea. (beat) James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. (Nicola hangs up her phone.) Fucking arsehole.

(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)

Terri: You all right?

Nicola: Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. (laughing) At the moment, it's all a bit OOH... (Nicola mimes an explosion.)

Terri: Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know.

Nicola: I'm sure.

Terri: In a good way, in a good way.

Nicola: Good.

Terri: Well, like twins or a tax rebate.

(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)

Nicola: My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing.

Ollie: Right.

Nicola: And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time!

Glenn: The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong.

Ollie: I will certainly do that.

Glenn: Social mobility, making people richer, costs money.

Ollie: Yes, and we don't have any of that, really.

Nicola: Right.

Ollie: I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp.

Nicola: What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens.

Ollie: Well, it's just a pen budget.

Nicola: I mean, I have about as much real power as those twats who sit either side of Alan Sugar.

Ollie: Well – Yes.

(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)

Malcolm: (entering the office) Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency?

Nicola: Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello.

(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)

Malcolm: (to Nicola, smiling) The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! (to Glenn and Ollie) All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks.

(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)

Malcolm: Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.

Nicola: Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge.

Malcolm: It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is.

Nicola: Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded.

Malcolm: (smiling) Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was...

Nicola: (getting the joke) Okay, right. Fine.

Malcolm: (serious again) I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair?

Nicola: Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support.

Malcolm: Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.

Nicola: Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?

Malcolm: A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.

(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)

Glenn: Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in and to plan a by-election.

Ollie: (to Glenn) If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff.

Glenn: Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me.

Ollie: You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps.

(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)

Malcolm: So, uh, you got three kids, yeah?

Nicola: Uh, I've got four.

Malcolm: Four!

Nicola: Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school.

Malcolm: Not going to a college or university?

Nicola: Um, she's a bit of a rebel.

Malcolm: (concerned) What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp?

Nicola: It's-it's chiefly heroin. (beat) Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career.

(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)

Terri: I'm sorry to disturb. Um... (to Malcolm) Morning, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Morning, Terri.

Terri: (to Nicola) Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me.

(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)

Nicola: Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids.

Malcolm: It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment.

Nicola: Mmm.

Malcolm: That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say.

Glenn: (to Ollie) Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently.

Terri: Thank God I'm safe.

Glenn: (annoyed) Je- We know you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody Jim Bowen!

Ollie: [imitating Jim Bowen presenting Bullseye)] Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady?

(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)

Malcolm: Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they?

Nicola: They're 11, 9 and 5.

Malcolm: 11?

Nicola: Mmm-hmm.

Malcolm: So that's, uh, secondary school?

Nicola: No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band.

Malcolm: So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September?

Nicola: Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue.

Malcolm: Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right?

Nicola: She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school.

Malcolm: Jesus H fucking Corbett. Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, all the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it!

Nicola: Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't.

Malcolm: Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! (beat) Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you?

Nicola: Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care?

Malcolm: Do you remember The Big Breakfast? Remember that programme?

Nicola: (exasperated) Yes!

Malcolm: You remember how Chris Evans started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, Johnny Vaughan, remember him?

Nicola: Uh-huh.

Malcolm: Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of The Big Breakfast. And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. (beat) So low. (beat) Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low.

(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)

Malcolm: You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage and your dress, which, by the way, is way too loud!

Nicola: TOO LOUD?!

Malcolm: Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. (beat) Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay?

(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)

Nicola: (relieved) Oooh, God...

(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)

Malcolm: Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something.

Ed: Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa.

(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)

Malcolm: (silently, to himself) For fuck's sake...fuck. (to Ed) This is gonna split our vote.

Ed: Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley.

Malcolm: No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys.

Ed: What do we do?

Malcolm: We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.

Ed: You want to send Tom up there?

Malcolm: Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.

Malcolm: You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah?

Nicola: I don't really have any choice, do I?

Malcolm: Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it.

Nicola: (Pause) Yes. (Beat) In my own voice.

Malcolm: (on the phone) Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. (enters Nicola's office) You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. (hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn) Oh hey, Yoko Ono and the two remaining Beatles, piss off.

(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)

Nicola: Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there?

Malcolm: (waiting for a lift) Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, A Beautiful Mind, the one with that, err, Russell Crowe? The one where the maths guy thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you.

Nicola: No. I'm not the mad one here. You are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe.

Malcolm: No, no, no, no, you are Russell Crowe. (waves patronisingly at her) And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old cobber. (enters the lift) The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on?

Nicola: What, now?

Malcolm: Err, if you can spare the time!

Nicola: Err, no. (pause) No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.

Malcolm: (incredulous) You're what?

Nicola: Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just... don't do lifts, that's all.

Malcolm: But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats!

Nicola: It's about not being able to get out.

Malcolm: Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking mental! Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up".

Nicola: (to herself, returning to her office) He so is Russell Crowe!

Terri: (at her desk, overhearing) Who?

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: Where the fuck is Doug Hayes?

Ed: Yes, we put in a lot of calls.

Malcolm: Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'.

(deleted scene)

Glenn: Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for Bupa, don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic.

Nicola: Oh!

Glenn: Don't send your children to independent schools.

Ollie: Don't dig up Diana and have Patrick Moore play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.

(deleted scene)

Ollie: Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage;

Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', (impersonates Malcolm) 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!'

Terri: (sighing) Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off.

Glenn: Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts.

Ollie: Yes, but Disraeli's dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible.

Malcolm: Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best Lidl in the West Midlands.

(deleted scene)

Nicola: (at the poster launch in Leamington) And we need to be investing, er, at least –

Glenn: Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'?

Terri: (on the phone) Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now.

Glenn: Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot.

Series 3, Episode 2

(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")

Nicola: You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is.

(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)

Nicola: It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC.

Malcolm: Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like he's fucked up.

Nicola: I'm not doing terribly, am I?

(beat)

Malcolm: (looking out of the car window) I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so clean!

Nicola: I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum.

Malcolm: Smug.

Nicola: Smug?

Malcolm: Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum.

Nicola: 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends.

Malcolm: Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. (to Nicola's driver) Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's Shadow Cabinet.

Glenn: (to Nicola) I have here the minutes which are a record and –

Ollie: No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file.

Robyn: Do you know, Malcolm? (Malcolm stares back, gravely) Er, the best way to clear a paper jam?

Malcolm: I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?

(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)

Nicola: So. Malcolm --

Malcolm: Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.

Nicola: (to Robyn) Does he know? Well, follow him.

Malcolm: (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn.

(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)

Malcolm: (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want...

(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)

Robyn: Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides...

Ollie: What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run.

Robyn: Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete!

(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)

Malcolm: Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring?

(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)

Malcolm: (annoyed) WHAT? (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. (to Nicola and the team) Two minutes and I will be back.

(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.)

Glenn: Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis?

Robyn: I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me.

Glenn: What?

(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)

Glenn: (still laughing) I'm protecting you.

Robyn: Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up.

Glenn: Well, that may or may not be true.

Robyn: Well, it is true.

Glenn: Well, it may or it may not be true.

Robyn: Well, that is true.

(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)

Malcolm: (in a gruff voice) Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin. (Malcolm's still smiling.)

Nicola: So what was your call?

Malcolm: What was my call?

Glenn: Did you...

Malcolm: (to Nicola) You want to know what my call was?

Nicola: Was it important?

Malcolm: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate.

Nicola: Malcolm, do you know?

Ollie: Obviously, he knows.

Glenn: No, he doesn't know.

(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)

Nicola: There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer.

(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)

Malcolm: Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, (sees Nicola gesture to herself) yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!

Nicola: Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me.

Malcolm: So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking Andrew Marr here!

Nicola: So let's – Terri, let's hear what you –

Malcolm: Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it!

Terri: Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy.

Malcolm: Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve!

Nicola: My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic.

Malcolm: That's it girl, back over the net.

Glenn: You need to be really sure about that, Nicola.

Malcolm: Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here.

Ollie: Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way.

Malcolm (interrupting): Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! (to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks) What about Sue Barker's little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation?

Robyn: No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, (to Nicola) this is coffee, is that all right?

Malcolm: Do The Guardian know about this?

Nicola: Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking Guardian, I don't know.

Malcolm: Yeah, as it's referred to in my department.

Terri: Should I find out? Get some feelers?

Malcolm (looking at Terri's breasts): Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads.

Nicola: What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work?

Malcolm: Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn?

Ollie: No, you can't just fire Glenn like that!

Nicola: We could fire Glenn.

Terri: Shall I get his file?

Glenn: No! I've got a list!

Malcolm: (to Nicola) See, there you are, he's got a list.

(They're all leaving Nicola's office)

Malcolm: (to Nicola) You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other.

Nicola: So, Malcolm, how do we play it at The Guardian?

Malcolm: (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile!

Malcolm (arriving at Nicola's Guardian lunch): Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not Viagra. Geoffrey. (shakes hands)

Geoffrey: Always a pleasure.

Malcolm: Good to see you. John, how are you doing? (John gets up to shake hands) I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel.

John: Oh, thank you very much!

Malcolm: Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!

(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)

Malcolm: FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to check who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU SO DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know when to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. (Nicola tries to speak) FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!

Nicola: It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – (mobile rings) Shit, Malcolm. (answers) Hello?

Malcolm (in his office): Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. (hangs up)

Nicola: Fuck.

Glenn: Has he run off? He does that.

Nicola: Yeah, it's all just gone really HBO.

(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)

Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm extremely miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call violent sexual imagery, and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.

Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm –

Malcolm: Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of E. coli. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour.

Nicola: I simply made a mistake, Malcolm –

Malcolm: You got 'on the record' and 'off the record' fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, George Martin had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to Paul McCartney at fucking Chequers!

Nicola: The data loss wasn't my fault.

Malcolm: Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"?

Nicola: You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like he's fucked up.

Malcolm: Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle!

Nicola: Okay, I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on Question Time wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right?

Malcolm: Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose.

Nicola: No, no.

Malcolm: The Mail have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie.

(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)

Terri: (with pen and diary ready) Right, what's the strategy?

Malcolm: (dramatic growl) The Kraken awakes!

Terri: No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and teabagging, I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.

Malcolm: I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?

Terri: Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.

(deleted scene)

Nicola: I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a pantomime dame'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at The Guardian: apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest Mad Men? Isn't Andrew Neil a jerk?' sort of thing.

Malcolm: The Guardian? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.

(deleted scene)

Nicola: Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a gigantic fucking cock on it!

(deleted scene)

Glenn (to Robyn): Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're the Spartans at Thermopylae. You're Richard Egan with an oily chest.

(later, in Nicola's office)

Ollie: One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody.

Glenn: What, we keep it a secret?

Robyn (running in): Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry.

Glenn: What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans!

Robyn: Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!

(deleted scene)

Marianne Swift: Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss.

Malcolm: Did you say that?

Nicola: No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you!

Marianne Swift: What?

Malcolm: So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in?

Nicola: Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah.

Series 3, Episode 3

(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)

Malcolm: (on his cell phone) We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to cross the floor. I think we should use the carrot-and-stick approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot.

(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)

Glenn: Ah, you got past mad conference security, then?

Nicola: It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel."

Glenn: I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search.

Ollie: Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable.

(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)

Nicola: Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine.

Glenn: (feeling awkward) Well, um...Do you want it?

Ollie: "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in.

Nicola: (reassuring Glenn) Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous.

Ollie: (to Glenn) Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle?

Nicola: (chuckling) It's an electric thimble.

Ollie: Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny!

(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)

Nicola: (to Glenn) So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright?

Glenn: Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase.

Ollie: She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations.

Nicola: Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her?

Ollie: Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously.

Nicola: Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech?

Glenn: Oh, do you think that's a good idea?

Nicola: Not collapsing café jokes.

Glenn: No.

Ollie: That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble!

Nicola: See, that's not funny.

(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)

John Duggan: Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference.

Nicola: Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi.

John: How was your holiday?

Nicola: Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to Suffolk, and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable.

John: I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. (Nicola looks up, unimpressed) Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in Eastbourne now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. Clacton of the South West, they call it.

(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)

Nicola: John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday?

John: Um, Mannion, right, yeah.

Nicola: Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know?

John: Yes.

Nicola: Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht.

John: Oh, okay. "He's gay."

Glenn: Oh, for fuck...

Ollie: No, not gay.

Nicola: It's a hypocrisy thing.

John: (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy.

Nicola: John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. (bluntly) It is your job.

John: I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise.

(John leaves the room.)

Nicola: He's not gonna do it, is he?

Glenn: Absolutely fucking useless.

Nicola: He's completely not gonna do it.

(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")

Ollie: (to John) Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', (John starts laughing) which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place.

Glenn: Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you.

Ollie: Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino.

John: (laughing) Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like Dick and Dom, aren't we? Great chemistry.

Glenn: Yeah. Except neither one of you are Doms.

(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)

Nicola: Terri, hi, it's me.

Terri: (on the phone, happily) Hi, Nicola!

Nicola: Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?

Terri: No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to?

Nicola: Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction?

Terri: I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility.

Nicola: Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat.

Terri: Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it?

Nicola: Where are you, Terri?

Terri: I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today.

Nicola: No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted."

(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)

(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)

Nicola: OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?

Ollie: Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –

Nicola: You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?

Ollie: I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –

Nicola: No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all nanny-state and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.

Ollie: Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.

Nicola: Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.

Ollie: Yeah, all right, no problemo.

(Nicola then gives Ollie a "Well?" look.)

Ollie: Now-Now? Jokes now?

Nicola: Yeah.

Ollie: OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?

Nicola: I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.

(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)

Malcolm: (looking at pictures) I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. Roy fucking Orbison you've got doing that.

Angela: Oh, Malcolm?

Malcolm: (to Angela) Yeah?

Angela: Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today?

Malcolm: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers.

Angela: Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS.

Malcolm: I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all.

Angela: Nothing in it?

Malcolm: Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay?

(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)

Malcolm: (on his phone) Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. (beat) Well, I don't know. Google "goolies."

(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the "People's Champion" for today's Party Conference.)

Glenn: Nicola, this is Julie.

Nicola: (to Julie, warmly) Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important.

Julie Price: (jokingly) Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day.

Nicola: (laughing) That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that.

Julie: (smiling) I was just kidding.

Ollie: That's a good joke.

Nicola: (happily) Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now!

Glenn: (to Nicola) Um, Julie's written a speech.

Nicola: (surprised) Oh, right, for today?

Julie: Yeah.

Nicola: What's that about, then?

Julie: Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason.

Nicola: Uh-huh.

Julie: And then, we'll move on to the campaign. (Julie sits down) Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know.

Nicola: You'll get that opportunity.

Julie: Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did?

Glenn: Tell me.

Julie: He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.

Glenn: What, overnight?

Julie: Yeah, overnight.

Nicola: (saddened) Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard.

(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)

Julie: And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass.

Nicola: (concerned) Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht.

Glenn: I mean, that's so trivial...

Julie: I've got more to tell you.

Nicola: Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.

Julie: (getting up to leave) There's not -- Just a couple of pages.

Nicola: Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you.

Julie: Nice to meet you.

Nicola: Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you.

(Malcolm is on his cell phone again, giving the bad news about the health stats to the Prime Minister himself.)

Malcolm: Yeah, look, I'm sorry, chief. But there's no way that I can spin these health stats. They're fucked. We'll have to put something else in the speech. (beat) Yeah, no, I don't know. Um, well, what about the missus? Can we wheel her out again? Well, she basically has that thing of appearing to be a normal human being. That seems to play well.

(The situation looks bleak for Malcolm, UNTIL...Ollie introduces him to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards her.)

Ollie: (to Malcolm) Uh, look, um, this is Julie Price. She is, uh, the People's Champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech.

Malcolm: (to Julie) Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah?

Julie: Yeah, not bad.

Malcolm: You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic Leo Sayer there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you?

Julie: Who, me?

Malcolm: Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. Mandela and stuff. (to Ollie) Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir?

(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)

Julie: (to Malcolm, happily) You're a stunner, ye.

Malcolm: No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive.

Julie: That's good.

Ollie: Well, great.

Malcolm: I think that there is a point in his speech today...

Julie: Mmm?

Malcolm: ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you?

Julie: Yeah.

Ollie: Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause.

Julie: Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog.

(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)

Malcolm: Yeah, that's the ladies there.

(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)

Ollie: Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech.

Malcolm: Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done.

Ollie: Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech?

Malcolm: Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right?

(Julie has finally returned, AND...)

Malcolm: Julie, hi. Feel better?

Julie: Yeah, good.

Malcolm: Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan?

Julie: (excited) I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister?

Malcolm: That is the Prime Minister, yes.

Julie: (to Ollie) Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you.

Malcolm: Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying...

(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)

(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)

Glenn: "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet.

Nicola: I know.

Glenn: Whatever they are, right...

(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)

Ollie: (anxious as hell) Right, right.

Glenn: "It's now my great pleasure -- " (to Ollie) We're just doing the...

Ollie: No no no, listen. Um -- listen!

Glenn: What?

Ollie: You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...

Nicola: What's happened?

Glenn: Where's Julie?

Ollie: Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...

Glenn: What do you mean he's commandeered her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake!

Nicola: No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No.

Glenn: (to Ollie) We can't even fucking trust you to babysit!

Ollie: Malcolm took her...

Glenn: Just say no!

Ollie: (getting defensive) You don't just say no!

Glenn: What part of "no" don't you understand?

Ollie: Babysitting isn't a fucking...

(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)

Nicola: MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!

Ollie: Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well.

Glenn: Deep breath, Nicola.

Nicola: Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you!

Glenn: Right, yes. What do you want us to do?

(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.)

Glenn: (to Nicola) Do you want your Rescue Remedy?

Nicola: No, fuck off! (Nicola takes a few deep breaths...) Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body.

Glenn: Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard.

Ollie: Yes.

Glenn: Take some reasonable...

Ollie: (to Glenn, sarcastically) Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM!

Malcolm: Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference.

John: That's not strictly true, though, is it?

Malcolm: Yeah, well Strictly Come Dancing isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where an old man dribbles. So what?

John: Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is...

(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)

Malcolm: Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved.

Glenn: I'm not having it. You've gone too far.

Malcolm: Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth.

(John starts laughing)

Glenn: (to John, angrily) Are you in on this?

John: Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :(to Julie) You're not Jewish, are you?

Julie: No.

John: (relieved) Oh, good.

Malcolm: (to John) Can you just take her?

John: Oh, yeah, uh... (to Julie) Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories.

Julie: (confused) What are you on about?

John: Your husband dying in a café.

(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)

Glenn: You can't just take her! That's people trafficking!

Malcolm: Am I being threatened by Harold fucking Bishop?

Glenn: No, Malcolm...

(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)

John: Okay, guys, can we just...

(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)

Malcolm: Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now.

Glenn: Yeah, and we're taking her back!

Malcolm: Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier?

Glenn: I found her! I fucking found her!

Malcolm: She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here!

(NOW, tempers are flaring!)

John: Can we get a bit more sane about this, please?

Malcolm: It is not a fucking discussion.

John: Right, nobody argue.

Glenn: I am going to go in there and I am going to take her!

Malcolm: You will fucking not!

Glenn: Fuck off! Fuck --

(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)

Ollie: Jesus Christ!

John: Oh my God...

Malcolm: You've hurt yourself.

John: I've got so much on, as it is.

Glenn: (to Malcolm) You hit me!

Malcolm: I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead!

Glenn: I think you've broken my nose!

Malcolm: No no no, that's just a scratch, mate!

John: Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth.

Glenn: (to John) What the fuck are you talking about?

Malcolm: Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain.

Glenn: Don't touch me!

Ollie: (feeling sorry for Glenn) Look at him.

Glenn: Have you got a hanky?

Malcolm: (to Ollie) You go look after Julie, right? (to John) John, let's get Glenn back to his room.

John: Okay, yeah.

(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)

Malcolm: (to John) Nobody saw that, did they?

John: No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!"

(Ollie and Julie are coming near)

Julie: All right? All right?

Ollie: If we can just get...

(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)

Julie: Is he okay?

(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)

Ollie: He's fine, he's fine.

Malcolm: He's just got a nosebleed.

(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)

Malcolm: (to John) Say, you...

John: Yeah.

Malcolm: If you breathe a word of this, right?

John: Mmm-hmm.

Malcolm: Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard!

John: I am listening.

Malcolm: Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck...

(But Glenn is GONE!)

Malcolm: Where is he?

John: I don't know.

Malcolm: Jesus Christ! Come on!

(Glenn and Ollie safely make their way back to the room, but Glenn's nose is quite bloody from being punched by Malcolm. Nicola is completely aghast by Glenn's bloody nose.)

Nicola: (stunned) OH MY GOD! GLENN, WHAT HAPPENED?

Glenn: Well, I don't think Malcolm saw my point of view. I got punched.

Nicola: Oh, that is a lot of blood.

Ollie: It is.

Nicola: Is that normal?

Ollie: We need a cold press, or... have you got-is there ice?

(Glenn and Ollie look in the mini-bar for something cold to soothe Glenn's nose and try to stop the bleeding. BUT...)

Glenn: (looking in the mini-bar) Oh my God, everything's tiny.

Nicola: Are you having a turn, Glenn?

Glenn: No, I mean the can is tiny.

Nicola: Oh, okay, right, sorry.

Glenn: The kettle-the kettle is tiny.

Nicola: Yeah, come and sit down.

Glenn: Oh, that's better.

(Glenn has a cold can on his face, but he's still in bad shape...and Nicola wants to help him.)

Nicola: (concerned) Um -- Oh, you look like a squeezed doughnut. Right, we need a flannel and some hot water. So I'll boil the kettle.

Glenn: (slightly annoyed) Look, I'm not having a baby.

Nicola: No, no, and anyway, it's a bloody nano-kettle.

Ollie: Yes, there is a hot tap, Nicola.

Nicola: There's a hot tap! Jesus, what am I like? (chuckling) I mean, I could make you a cup of tiny tea.

(After taking the wet flannel from Ollie, Nicola offers it to Glenn. But Glenn wants Nicola to put it on his wounded nose.)

Nicola: (to Glenn) Um, so, there's the...What, you want me to...Okay, I'll have a go. Um, put your head back...

Ollie: (interjecting) No, I think Malcolm said forward.

Nicola: (to Ollie) Forward? Is it forward? I don't know. I mean, I've always had childcare. (to Glenn) So, um, can you try-try and keep the bloody handkerchief away from my dress, if you don't mind? Oh dear, it looks very sore.

(Glenn takes the wet flannel from Nicola for his nose. The conversation now shifts back to Nicola's speech.)

Nicola: I'm assuming we lost our People's Champion, yeah?

Ollie: Well, it felt like a no to me, Nicola. Did it feel like a no to you, Glenn?

Glenn: Um, I think a no.

Nicola: (desperate) I'm so fucked! I mean, I've got an hour and a half!

Glenn: With all due respect, Nicola, there's a human aspect to all this.

Nicola: (to Glenn) I know! I know, and you were very brave. Just look, realistically, there is so little I can do about it. And I've just gotta write a fucking speech. (to Ollie) So, Ollie, could you get on with that? (back to Glenn) Glenn, why don't you come to my room and lie down? Put a towel down on the bed, just for...

(But then, from out of nowhere, an unwanted visitor appears in the room. And that person is -- of course -- Malcolm.)

Nicola: Jesus, Malcolm!

Glenn: What? Oh, God!

Malcolm: How's the patient?

Glenn: I don't wanna speak to you right now, Malcolm.

Nicola: I think you should leave.

Malcolm: Oh, do you?

Nicola: Yes! (beat) What, are you gonna hit me?

Malcolm: I don't fucking hit women.

Ollie: Except Glenn, obviously.

Malcolm: (to Ollie) Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this. Glenn's been through enough as it is. (to Glenn, who is in the bathroom) Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my finger in the dyke, but the dyke's very very squirty.

Ollie: Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er –

Malcolm: (to Ollie) Shut up. (to Glenn) We're old soldiers, right? This is life in wartime, okay? I mean, every now and then you're gonna get an incident of friendly fire. Yeah?

Glenn: Yeah.

Malcolm: Good man. Yes, good.

(Malcolm goes into the bathroom and gives Glenn a hug, telling him he's sorry.)

Malcolm: Now that you've lost Geordie Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?

Nicola: Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.

Malcolm: Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!

Nicola: Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. (beat) Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.

Ollie: OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"?

Malcolm: Glenn.

Glenn: Um, 'He's, um – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?

Malcolm: (unimpressed) That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom.

Glenn: (to Nicola) I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist.

Malcolm: Right, okay, well, how about...

(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)

Glenn: Oh my God...it's got out.

Ollie: No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling.

Malcolm: Who the fuck is leaking this out there? (to Ollie) Find out who's pissing this over the wall.

Ollie: Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...

Malcolm: IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG!

Ollie: I don't know what he looks like. I don't...

Malcolm: (to Nicola) You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her.

Nicola: So we've got her back again now. Is that right?

Malcolm: Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here!

Nicola: (sarcastically) MY responsibility again NOW! Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Yeah, it does fucking matter!

(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)

Malcolm: Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? (bangs on the bathroom door) WILMAAA! Fuck off!

Nicola: (from inside the bathroom) I'm making a phone call.

Malcolm: Make a phone call! Phone a fucking friend!

(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)

Terri: (answering in a sing-song voice) Hello?

Nicola: Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is.

Terri: (looking out her car window) You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers.

Nicola: (getting desperate) Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me.

Terri: (replying to Nicola) The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference.

Nicola: (begging) Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here!

Terri: (reluctantly giving in) Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out.

Nicola: (looking at her speech) 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!

Ollie: No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –

Nicola: You think?

Ollie: Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's The West Wing!

Nicola: You're not Josh, Ollie, just write the fucking speech.

Ollie: It doesn't mat–

Nicola: Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.

Ollie: (to himself) I fucking am Josh.

Nicola: Nicola Murray can do this, come on!

Ollie: Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second and third person? 'Cause they're both –

Nicola: Write the fucking speech!

Ollie: Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!

John: Malcolm, you're really scaring me now.

Malcolm: I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece.

Malcolm (to John) Oh, twat features! I mean that literally.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: (on his phone) No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.

(deleted scene)

John: Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.

Ollie: Where are they?

John: Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, Freshers' Week, it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –

Nicola: Stop talking.

John: Right, OK.

Ollie: Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? (John starts laughing) It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? (mimes undoing his flies) Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' (turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned) Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.

John: Liar.

Ollie: Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?

John: No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: And I need you, big man.

Glenn: Why?

Malcolm: Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?

Glenn: Do we have to?

Malcolm: Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.

Glenn: (to Ollie) He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.

(deleted scene)

Nicola: Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the fucking chickens across the river?'

(deleted scene)

John: See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.

Malcolm: What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?

John: Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.

Malcolm: Look: I need you to find the incy-wincy fucking spider, take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker, right, can you do that?

John: Malcolm, I've got a lot on. (Malcolm glares at him) Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.

(deleted scene)

Ollie (looking out of the window onto the car park): You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.

Nicola: No!

Ollie: Yeah.

Nicola (looking out of the window): Who is she?

Ollie: I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.

Nicola: Maybe they're just talking.

Nicola and Ollie (seeing them kiss): Oh!

Ollie: That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.

(both laugh)

Nicola: The Porn Ultimatum.

Series 3, Episode 4

Ollie: What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator!

Glenn: Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.

Ollie: (re: Nicola's daughter, Ella) She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. Neil Diamond I believe would have called 'a Sweet Columbine incident'.

Emma: Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working.

Phil: Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. (impersonates Malcolm) 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!'

Emma: OK, erm –

Phil: I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like.

Emma: Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound.

Phil: OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall.

Peter (arriving): Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution?

Phil and Emma: Morning.

Peter: Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo!

Phil: Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix!

Emma: Don't ask.

Peter: Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'.

Phil: Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise?

Peter: Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it.

Malcolm: (explaining the Opposition Drill) When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.

Emma: (receiving an alert on her phone) That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up.

Peter: Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we?

Emma: Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? (taps her phone) One button... (leaves)

Peter: Cher?

Phil: Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. (checks that Emma has gone) OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter.

Peter: She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection.

Phil: She's 12.

Peter: Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.

Stewart: Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.

Peter: Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.

Peter: I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC?

Stewart: Yeah, who are you meeting?

Phil: Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks.

Stewart: Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks.

Phil: Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though.

Emma: Very funny.

Ollie: Oi! Oi! James fucking May! It was you sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like Jenson Button shaking up a magnum of piss!

Phil: Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, then it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues!

Ollie: Yeah?

Phil: I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic!

Ollie: I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma...

Phil: Exactly!

Ollie: ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political –

Phil: This is your fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are!

Ollie: (incredulous) I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey (laughs) that gave us AIDS"?

Phil: That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine!

Malcolm: (walking in) I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? (makes boxing motions) Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with.

Ollie: (quietly) Yeah, Malcolm, um...?

Malcolm: What?

Ollie: The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying.

Malcolm: Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that.

Ollie: What? When did –?

Malcolm: Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah?

Ollie: Okay.

Malcolm: Okay?

Ollie: Okay.

Malcolm: On you go. (walks up to Phil) Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking bullying?

Ollie: (to Malcolm) What are you doing?

Phil: No, what...

Malcolm: (to Ollie) Don't worry. (to Phil) Did you not know that?

Phil: No, why would I... No...

Malcolm: Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would know that it came from you.

Phil: Clever. (chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)

Malcolm: (also chuckles, rather deviously) And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. (Phil tries to protest) Do not fucking interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?!

Phil: (nods in shock) Yeah.

Malcolm: Now...get out of my fucking sight!

Phil: Yeah. (wanders off, visibly terrified)

Peter: (Discussing Malcolm) His bark's worse than his bite. (Sees Malcolm approaching)

Malcolm: Peter!

Peter: And speaking of rabies injections, here he is!

Malcolm: I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalikey thing, huh?

Peter: Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?

Peter: (Answers his mobile phone) Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?

Stewart: How's the info-pump firing?

Peter: You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on.

Glenn: Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here.

Nicola: How does he know that?

Glenn: Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'.

Nicola: 'F' meaning –

Glenn: Feasibly, I should imagine.

(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)

Malcolm: Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?

Nicola: Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?

Malcolm: Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got Anthony Eden's lipstick on the bottle.

Nicola: OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something?

Malcolm: There you go, that's my girl, yeah! Indiana Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.

(deleted scene)

(arriving at the DoSAC building)

Phil: This is mint. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a wooden horse.

Peter (quoting Tennyson's Ulysses): 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'

Phil: I meant the film Troy?

Peter: Awesome.

(deleted scene)

Emma: Do you fancy a cup of tea?

Stewart: Er, yes, you got anything herbal?

Emma: OK, yeah. (walking off, to herself) Something perfumed and essentially gay. (sees Phil) Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.

Phil: I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. (Emma laughs) It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.

Stewart: Where's Peter?

Emma: Yeah, where is Peter?

Phil: I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in Greenwich.

Emma: Greenwich?

Phil: I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.

(deleted scene)

Peter: Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.

Series 3, Episode 5

(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)

Peter: Why does the useless one keep staring at me?

Phil: Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. (both chuckle) You've seen Misery?

Peter: I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I?

(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)

Peter: (quietly) The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something?

Phil: OK. (Phil sits on the table, between Terri and Peter.)

Peter: OK.

Phil: (to Terri) Sorry.

Peter: Why isn't Emma here to help?

Phil: She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card.

Glenn: Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

Peter: Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.

Phil: Glenn Elton. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'

Peter: Sorry about the puffin.

(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone.)

Malcolm: No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.

(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box.)

Sam: Happy Birthday, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads?

(Malcolm looks at the box.)

Malcolm: Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face?

(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt.')

Malcolm: This could be from anybody. (He opens the accompanying card.) Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.

(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn.)

Nicola: Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage.

Terri: And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines.

Nicola: I am going to talk in complete sentences.

Terri: I think you should rehearse with those headlines.

Nicola: Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay?

(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)

Peter: "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?"

Phil: (loving it) That's just the sound of wickets falling.

(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)

Phil: Stewart.

Peter: (sarcastically) Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...

Phil: (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart.

Stewart: Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart Tracy Chapman," yeah?

(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)

Phil: (to Peter) He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers.

(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)

Peter: Phil. (Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.) Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no.

(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)

Phil: Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that.

Stewart: No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it.

Phil: (to Peter) Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it.

Peter: Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.

(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)

Richard Bacon: Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...

Nicola: Hello.

(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture.)

Richard:...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')

Nicola: Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.

Richard: Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.

Peter: Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.

Phil: (in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!

Richard: (to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...

Terri: (to Phil) How old are you?

Richard: Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?

Peter: Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?

Richard: Classic!

Peter: Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.

Phil: Yeah! In your face, bitch!

Richard: That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?

Nicola: Um...Uh, no...

Terri: Yes, you do.

Nicola: No piercings at all, no.

Terri: You have got some piercings.

Richard: Okay, all right.

Nicola: Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.

(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)

Nicola: Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.

Richard: Right.

Nicola: But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.

Richard: Let's leave that there.

Malcolm: (listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!

(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)

Glenn: I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get.

Terri: The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'.

(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)

Richard: 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?'

Richard: 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.'

Richard: 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.'

(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)

Nicola: What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage.

Richard: (somewhat cynically) How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Nicola: Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...

Richard: I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Nicola: Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community.

Richard: Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example?

Nicola: No, we're talking about everyday heroes.

Richard: I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?

Nicola: (chuckling) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance.

Richard: Okay.

Peter: Or Chaplin, yeah?

(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)

Janice: (the show's producer, to Glenn) Out!

Glenn: Alright!

Phil: Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.

(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)

Glenn: Malcolm?

Malcolm: Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?

Glenn: Wh– What?

Malcolm: Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fu– put Ollie on.

Glenn: Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.

Malcolm: Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival.

Peter: It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.

(Meanwhile, in the control room...)

Phil: (clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?

Terri: Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?

Janice: (to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!

(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter.)

Richard: I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.

Peter: (laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.

Richard: We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?

Peter: Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...

Richard: Right.

Peter: But, you know...Hey nanny no.

Richard: Right.

Glenn: Oh hello, nice dinner?

Emma: Fuck off, Bagpuss.

(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)

Phil: Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?

Emma: Kind of. He's getting the message.

Phil: Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him.

Emma: You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long.

Terri: (to Emma) Are you splitting up with Ollie?

Emma: Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details.

Terri: No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that.

Emma: (pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks.

Phil: Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here.

Emma: Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.

(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)

Phil: (answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?

Stewart: "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to One Show man and Holby City woman.

Emma: What's he saying?

Phil: Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking?

Stewart: Is Emma there?

Phil: Yes, she is here.

Stewart: Thank God! Put her on, Phil.

(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)

Emma: Stewart, hi.

Stewart: This is the brief. Got a pen?

Emma: Yeah, hang on. (to Phil) Have you got a pen?

Phil: Yeah, you're not having it.

Terri: (to Emma) Do you need a pen?

Emma: Uh, I do, thanks. (to Stewart) Sorry, Stewart, hang on.

Stewart: Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down!

(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)

Emma: (to Phil) I'm serious.

Stewart: (to Emma) Are you listening to Daddy?

Emma: Okay.

Stewart: I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!

(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)

Ollie: Many thanks, Glenn.

Glenn: What?

Ollie: For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did?

Glenn: (smiling mockingly) I see.

Ollie: It was a joke about my sexual prowess.

(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)

Ollie: What the fuck are you doing here?

Emma: Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname.

Ollie: You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal...

Emma: Ordered. And it wasn't lovely.

Ollie: What the fuck's going on?

(Emma's cell phone rings.)

Emma: Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later.

Glenn: (to Ollie) So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there?

Ollie: Fuck off, Glenn.

(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")

Nicola:...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts.

Richard: I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party?

Peter: I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out.

Nicola: Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats?

Richard: (to Peter) Is that what you're saying?

Peter: (stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...

Richard: Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses?

Peter: (still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...

Nicola: Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting.

Peter: (confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.

Richard: I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on.

(Phil enters the green room.)

Ollie: Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.

Phil: Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the weathercock: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.

Ollie: You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?

Phil: I'm Mr. Sunshine!

Ollie: You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.

Phil: Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. Your horn is broken, and will be blown no more.

Ollie: This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends.

Phil: Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that.

Ollie: (sighing) Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil?

Phil: Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat.

Ollie: You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant.

Phil: I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more.

Ollie: What?

Phil: Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she?

Ollie: No, what?

Phil: She's dumped you. She did it tonight.

Ollie: No, no. She didn't do it tonight.

Phil: Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!

(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)

Ollie: Why would she tell you first, dickwad?

Phil: I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of Shakespears Sister, (sings in falsetto) 'You're History'! (Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin) Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I still win!

(Richard is taking another call on his show.)

Richard: James Henderson, what's your point?

Peter: Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton?

Richard: (surprised) You two know each other?

Peter: We've met. We know each other.

James: (talking to Peter on the phone line) We've met! Yes, we have met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party disgusting.

Peter: Well, that's a separate issue...

James: (continuing) Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops.

Richard: Wow!

Peter: What?

Richard: Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious.

Malcolm: (still in his office) YES!

Richard: ...links to sweatshops?

Peter: That should be looked into, but...

Malcolm: Oh, it's my birthday!

Peter: ...I don't know the facts.

James: I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar?

Janice: I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the Ipswich manager just got sacked'?

Malcolm: (leaving his office) It's my birthday! (Offering someone a piece of cake) Cunt cake? Go ahead!

(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)

Stewart: Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes! Hard boil 4 eggs!

(Meanwhile, in the green room...)

Emma: (in a bad mood) Great.

Ollie: (to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?

Emma: (to Phil) What's he talking about?

Phil: (to Emma) I thought he knew.

Emma: (to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!

Glenn: Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.

Phil: I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.

Glenn: If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!

Phil: WHAT?

Glenn: Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!

Phil: Bullshit!

(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)

Ollie: (to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!

Phil: We're trying to listen here now.

Ollie & Emma: Shut the fuck up, Phil!

(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)

Janice: (storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!

Terri: Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.

Glenn: Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.

(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room.)

Nicola: Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.

Glenn: Cooking with gas!

Nicola: I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!

(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live.)

Peter: That was not good. That was the opposite of good.

Phil: Bad.

Peter: How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?

Phil: I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.

Peter: You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside) Sorry, it's just...

(Peter is now very upset with Phil, to say the least.)

Peter: (to Phil) You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy!

Phil: Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...

Peter: Emma? Emma? Why is Emma here?

Phil: Stewart sent her down here.

Peter: (looking at Phil's trousers) Why have you got wet trousers?

Phil: Ollie threw coffee at me.

Peter: I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. Is the vicar about to come around with Brian Rix and Robin Askwith?

Janice: Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.

(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)

Emma: Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.

Ollie: We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...

Terri: Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question.

Emma: Sorry...

Ollie: Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!

Terri: Where am I meant to go?

Ollie: Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.

Terri: (to Emma) You're going to be a lot better off without him.

Emma: What do you mean I'm going to be...

Ollie: You're not going to be better off...

Emma: (to Ollie) Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work?

Ollie: Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.

(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)

Glenn: (to Phil) ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.

Phil: I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.

Ollie: (to himself) Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.

Phil: (still talking to Glenn) Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits."

Glenn: Oh, right.

(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)

Emma: I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.

Terri: No, I agree, I absolutely – (sees that Ollie has returned) Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?

Ollie: I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.

Emma: So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?

Ollie: I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –

Emma: Funny.

Ollie: – you torture horses, and you're in The Bangles, that's what I've been saying about you at work.

Emma: See, I think you've been sexually bragging.

Ollie: Well, don't flatter yourself.

(Stewart has finally entered the room.)

Stewart: (to Emma) Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? (Stewart then points to the Piercings Man.) And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers.

Emma: He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers.

(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)

Stewart: I don't want to know.

Nicola: (seeing Stewart enter the control room) How perfect. Who should walk in...

Stewart: (to Janice) I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.

Richard: Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –

Peter (seeing Malcolm arrive): Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels...

Stewart: Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...

Richard: Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced?

Peter: I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...

Stewart: Don't say it again!

Peter: ...receiving donations from...

Richard: From a sweatshop labour company.

Malcolm: (to Stewart) Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah?

Stewart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb.

Malcolm: (chuckling) Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits.

Stewart: Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing.

Malcolm: 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni.

Stewart: Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks.

Janice: Look, do you guys have to make so much noise?

Malcolm: (to Janice) I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.

Janice: Look, can you please get out?

Malcolm: No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here.

(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)

Malcolm: I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this.

(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen.)

Stewart: Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."

Richard: (in the studio) Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door...

Malcolm: (pushing everybody out) We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know...

Stewart: (to Malcolm) What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me.

Malcolm: It's not. We're going to move on to piercings.

Stewart: (to Janice) Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to...

Janice: Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news.

Malcolm: Absolutely.

Janice: And this is fucking news!

Malcolm: Bullshit! Right. See this here? (Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.) You do it and I will press this fucking button.

Janice: Don't fucking threaten me!

Malcolm: This switch...

Janice: Richard, Tim in Ruislip.

Malcolm: You do that and I will...

(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)

Richard: We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip...

Stewart: (smiling) Ooh. She's actually put it through.

Richard: And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition."

(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)

Malcolm: That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in Ruislip', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. (imitates hammering) Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking –

Janice: Yeah, okay, can you stop fucking saying that, please?

Malcolm: – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip.

Janice: (to her assistant) Erase it. Take it off the screen now.

Malcolm: If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh?

Stewart: Quite, quite mad.

Malcolm: (whispering to Stewart) You and I have to have a word.

Stewart: (to Janice and her assistant) I think he wants me to step outside.

(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)

Malcolm: (to the "Piercings Man") Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on.

Stewart: (to Piercings Man) He doesn't actually work here.

Malcolm: (to everybody else) Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! (to Piercings Man) Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here.

Piercings Man: (to Malcolm) Get off!

Malcolm: I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there!

(The Piercings Man comes into the studio.)

Malcolm: Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead.

Richard: Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate...

(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)

Malcolm: Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad.

Stewart: Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion?

Malcolm: That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. (whispers) Over here.

(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio.)

Stewart: Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man?

Malcolm: He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on!

Stewart: You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more.

Malcolm: Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors!

Stewart: Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university?

Malcolm: Oh! Please, please!

Stewart: Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah?

Malcolm: Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your fucking Shadow Chancellor, at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking blackface! What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"?

Stewart: Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture...

Malcolm: I have!

Stewart: Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...

Malcolm: Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you?

Stewart: Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.

Malcolm: And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job?

Stewart: No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest!

Malcolm: DON'T!

(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)

Malcolm: Right, look, this is out of order, okay?

Stewart: Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it.

Malcolm: You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry?

Stewart: What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm.

Malcolm: We should just go home.

Stewart: We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM.

Malcolm: I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible.

Stewart: That's an incentive. I'll get my bag.

(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)

Richard: Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.'

Malcolm: (to Nicola's driver) You couldn't turn that to Magic FM, could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs.

(deleted scene)

Phil: You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!

Peter: Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! (Janice the producer shoves him into the studio) You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

Series 3, Episode 6

(This is the opening scene of this episode.)

Glenn: Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?

Ollie: No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-under. First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven?

Glenn: Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie.

Ollie: Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one?

(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)

Terri: Morning.

Ollie: Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk?

Terri: No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming.

(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)

Ollie: Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers!

Terri: Yes.

Glenn: Yes.

Ollie: (laughing) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.

Terri: Well, I don't see there's any...

Ollie: (pointing at Terri's trainers) This-This color for healthy breath...

(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)

Nicola: Morning, morning.

Terri: Do please let me...

(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)

Nicola: Thank you very much.

Terri: Would you like me to take your coffee?

Nicola: Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.

Terri: Well, it will dehydrate you.

Nicola: Good-o.

Ollie: Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.

(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)

Nicola: I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.

Terri: (to Nicola) Would you like some help with your makeup?

Nicola: Um...I'm wearing makeup.

(The conversation shifts to Nicola's upcoming interview, regarding the launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative.)

Nicola: So this interview, who's coming?

Terri: Ten O'Clock News?

Nicola: Okay. Who? Nick Robinson?

Terri: Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the World Tour. No, it's um, it's Gavin.

Nicola: Gavin Esler?

Terri: Gavin Boyes.

Nicola: Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?

Terri: Well, he's up and coming.

Ollie: In what? Gay porn?

Nicola: I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. It's the centerpiece of my political career. I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.

Glenn: (looking at his computer) It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.

Nicola: (to Terri) The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming?

Terri: We've got confirmed four.

Nicola, Ollie & Glenn: (in disbelief) FOUR?

Glenn: That's one per sector!

Nicola: This is not something that we are ashamed of! We're not launching a new leper colony!

Terri: Okay, no problem. I'm just gonna go down and collect Gavin and his boys...

(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)

Ollie: So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan?

Glenn: Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him.

Ollie: Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?

Glenn: Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.

Ollie: You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater?

Glenn: Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts.

Ollie: What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something?

(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)

Ollie: What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding?

(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)

Glenn: I'm going to stand in the election.

Ollie: (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious?

Glenn: I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list.

Ollie: Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that?

Glenn: Actually...I'm pretty excited about this.

Ollie: Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you.

(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)

Ollie: Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.

Nicola: Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. (leaves)

Glenn: (seeing Ben arrive) Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.

Ollie: Ben 10, Benstrual cycle, Ben on the Fourth of July!

Ben: Ollie Put the Kettle On, On the Good Ship Ollie-pop, Oll-d Lang Syne.

Ollie: How are things going at the Department of Education Education Education?

Ben: They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.

Ollie: Well, Robin Hood was a hero.

Ben: No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- Very, very sim -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I was working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray?

Ollie: No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in...

(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)

Nicola: OH!

Ben: JESUS!

Ollie: Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben.

Ben: What? An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally.

(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)

Nicola: (to Ben) Yeah, I really...

Ben: I'm very sorry again...

Nicola: Let's not talk about it ever again.

Ben: I will forget...

Nicola: Right. What do you want?

Ben: ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived.

(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)

Ollie: Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to.

Nicola: He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm.

Ollie: Ignore Malcolm?

Nicola: Yeah, what can he do?

(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)

Malcolm: Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s.

(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)

Ollie: Malcolm, I can explain.

Malcolm: Ollie. Thank God that you're safe.

(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)

Malcolm: That's from me, Cack Efron. (Malcolm then notices Ben) What's Giant Gaystacks doing here?

Ben: Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie.

Malcolm: (to Ollie) Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car?

Ollie: No.

Nicola: (to Malcolm) I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.

Malcolm: Well, listen, I am telling you to un-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.

Nicola: Why are you even here?

Terri: (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired.

Malcolm: (to Terri) Yeah. You look incompetent.

Terri: Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy.

Malcolm: Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag, I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview.

Nicola: A bit late for that.

(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)

Malcolm: (to Terri) Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right?

Terri: Well...

Malcolm: And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send!

Terri: Ah!

Malcolm: It didn't send, right?

Terri: There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all.

Malcolm: (insulted) I'm sorry?

Nicola: That's the one.

Malcolm: That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry.

Nicola: (to Malcolm) Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way?

Terri: Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast.

Malcolm: Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem.

Nicola: Which is?

Malcolm: (to Nicola) Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? Anyway, this interview, right?

Nicola: Mmm-hmm.

Malcolm: How'd it go?

Nicola: (stuttering) It-It-It's a small...

(At this moment, Terri's cell phone rings...)

Terri: (to Malcolm) Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry.

(While Terri leaves Nicola's office to take the call, Nicola continues talking to Malcolm.)

Nicola: (to Malcolm) They wanted to talk Tom, and, uh, I said that he was the best man for the job.

Malcolm: Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC. It's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?

Nicola: I-I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job.

Malcolm: Listen, Nicola, no offense, but you're not leadership material, yeah? I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know.

Terri: (to Nicola) Right, um, the BBC have put it on the website. You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.

Nicola: Shit.

Terri: Yeah, and they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.

Ollie: (watching a video on a computer) I've got it on here.

(Sure enough, a video of Nicola's interview with Gavin Boyes is playing on the BBC website.)

Nicola: (on the video) I mean, yes. Absolutely. At some point, I would love there to be a female leader. But I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best man for the job.

Nicola: (to Terri) No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it!

Malcolm: (to Nicola) This is bad.

Terri: (to Nicola) It wasn't on a microphone...

Malcolm: (again to Nicola) It is fucking bad. (to Terri) Terri. get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them. Nuke them and rebuke them.

Terri; Yep, got it.

Nicola: Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.

Malcolm: No no no no no. We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay?

Ben: (smiling) It's been, uh, a wonderful experience here. I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done.

Malcolm: (to Ben) Whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. You're staying here, mate.

Ben: (objecting) I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here.

Malcolm: You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.

(Ben is puzzled by the word "febrile.")

Malcolm: You don't fucking know what febrile means.

Ben: No.

Malcolm: No you don't. It-It means there are gonna be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make. So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.

Terri: (calling out from Nicola's office) Right, there's-there's a few journalists out there already.

Malcolm: (to Ben) See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.

Ben: Yeah? Well, not in here, it's not.

Malcolm: (again to Ben) Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? (to Ollie) How many are there there?

Ollie: Eight.

Malcolm: Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown.

(And so, Malcolm leaves Nicola's office to lock DoSAC down.)

Malcolm: Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown! Right now!

Nicola: Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?

Malcolm: (to Nicola) We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. (back to the crowd) Right, people, nobody move, right? Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. Do not use the phones. No fucking emails. (to Glenn, who's still on his cell phone) No phones, Glenn. Come on.

Glenn: (ending his phone call) I-I've got to go. Bye.

Malcolm: Is that trainers that she's wearing? (to Terri) Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant!

Ben: It's like wet play, isn't it?

Ollie: Hah!

Glenn: (playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard) Queen to knight 4.

Ben: I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.

Glenn: Do you mind?

Ben: Oh what, can you not multitask, Deep Beige? (He and Ollie laugh)

Glenn: What, check? Oh, fuck you!

Ben: Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.

Malcolm (answering his mobile): Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I know that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.

Nicola: Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?

Ben: No. (beat) Yes, a bit.

Nicola: What are you saying?

Ben: Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'

Nicola: You treacherous shit.

Ben: Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.

Nicola: Why are you doing this?

Ben: Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.

Nicola: Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!

Terri: Right. Bit of good news.

Glenn: What?

Terri: Two bits, actually. Um...

Malcolm: Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. (Glenn runs to his desk) I want to hear what the word is on the street.

Glenn: All right, (reporting from his computer) 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'

Ben: Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –

Malcolm: What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. (Ben does not stand) I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! (Ben stands) Fucking move, right. (Malcolm grabs a keyboard) See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. (Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him) Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!

Malcolm: (to Ben) See, you? Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right?

(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)

Malcolm: It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.

Ben: Your hands have got bigger.

Nicola: That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!

Malcolm: Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?

Nicola: I don't know what you're talking about.

Malcolm: May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment.'

Nicola: Yeah. That's what you told me to say.

Malcolm: Of the moment, of the moment, I told you to say 'of the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go for a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out of your fucking entrails!' (And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.) Excuse me.

(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)

Malcolm: Steven. (beat) Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay?

Ben: Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out.

Nicola: Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal!

Malcolm: Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!

Malcolm: Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.

Malcolm: How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain!

Terri: Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I –

Malcolm: And these crisp packets – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola –

Terri: I didn't mean to be horrid –

Malcolm: AND FUCKING YOU!

(long silence)

Malcolm: I'm sorry.

Terri: I'm sorry.

Malcolm: I'm sorry.

Terri: I'm sorry.

Malcolm: No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL!

Terri: Yeah.

Malcolm: And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah?

Terri: Mmm. Good idea.

Malcolm: I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah?

Terri: (whispers) Yeah.

Malcolm: How are you feeling about things?

Terri: Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle?

Malcolm: No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on.

Terri: Okay.

Malcolm: Yeah. Let's get back on track.

Terri: Get back on track.

(both leave the room)

Malcolm: As they say, right?

Terri: Funny to use that phrase.

Malcolm: All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please.

Ollie: What did he say?

Terri: Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt.

Ollie: Ancient Egypt?

Terri: Yeah.

(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)

Glenn: Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well?

Nicola: Nope.

Glenn: Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive.

Ollie: The dream is over, eh?

Malcolm: I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.

Ollie: Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.

Glenn: (to Nicola) By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died.

Malcolm: Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home.

Malcolm: Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh?

Terri: Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Make sure that Ben does.

(deleted scene)

Ollie: What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then?

Glenn: Oh, plenty of options, Ollie.

Ollie: Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? (Glenn nods.) What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a sleeping policeman, actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade!

Ollie: I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm: Jesus Christ, Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the Tate Gallery that everybody's forgotten about.

Series 3, Episode 7

(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)

Glenn: (to the delivery man, chuckling) Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies.

Nicola: (on her cell phone) So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties.

(MORE big bottles of water!)

Glenn: (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?

Nicola: (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we?

Glenn: Uh, healthy eating.

Terri: Beneficial Lifestyle Choices.

Ollie: Get in!

Glenn: What?

Ollie: (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray.

Nicola: YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray?

Ollie: I've definitely got Andy Murray!

Nicola: Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices.

Glenn: Oh, all right.

Terri: The tennis player?

Ollie: (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist.

Nicola: Nicola Murray NETS Andy Murray!

Ollie: Well, we both netted him together.

Terri: Are you sure you want him?

Nicola: Uh, yeah!

Terri: Murray? (beat) Doesn't it sound like nepotism?

Nicola: (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related?

Ollie: Yeah.

Terri: Possibly.

Glenn: And Bill Murray's her father?

Terri: Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him.

Nicola: (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri?

Terri: Paula Radcliffe.

Ollie: Pooey Paula? That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.

Glenn: She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.

Terri: That is very unfair. It only happened once.

Ollie: Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of Strictly Come Dancing... (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly!

Nicola: Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA.

Terri: TBA?

Nicola: To be announced.

Terri: Oh, just...

Nicola: It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.

Terri: Sure, sure...

Nicola: FFS.

Terri: (to Glenn and Ollie) What's FFS?

Glenn: Oh, for fuck...

Nicola: (to Ollie) Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? (to Glenn) Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.

(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)

Malcolm: Here they come, it's the Flying Scots-curry-man. (sings) 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in ghee, right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking freebasing butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. (mobile rings) Christ, here we go. (answers) No, we don't do takeaway, right? (all laugh, as Malcolm walks away) Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs.

Ollie (at his desk): Where actually are you, Malcolm?

Malcolm: I'm on holidays!

Ollie: Where are you on holiday, where?

Malcolm: Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial.

Ollie: Right, quick summary: Andy Murray, famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you?

Malcolm: Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK?

Ollie: Okey dokey! (hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn) The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!

Malcolm: (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's...

Geoffrey: So, Malcolm, what's all this about?

Malcolm: Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them.

Marianne: What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen?

Malcolm: Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you.

Marianne: What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it?

Geoffrey: You repositioning yourself, Malcolm?

Malcolm: This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay?

Geoffrey: So you're not currying favor, then?

(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)

Marianne: (laughing) Sorry...

Malcolm: (to Geoffrey, jokingly) Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper.

(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)

Nicola: He's really on holiday?

Terri: Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years.

Glenn: Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of Bob Dylan.

Terri: Well, who's driving the bus?

(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)

Steve Fleming: Morning! Morning, DoSAC.

Glenn: Oh.

Nicola: Bollocky bollocks. It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.

Glenn: There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's Reg bloody Varney. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding.

Nicola: Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time.

(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)

Glenn: Come on, have a look.

Ollie: I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh.

Nicola: You're lucky.

Ollie: For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman.

Nicola: Look at him. Super Mario.

(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)

Steve: Morning, campers!

Nicola: Steve Fleming!

(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)

Steve: Oh, no.

Nicola: Hello. Oh! Okay...

(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)

Steve: (happily) Hello, Nicola.

Nicola: Hi.

Steve: You look like you've lost some weight.

Nicola: (surprised) Do I?

Steve: Yeah!

Nicola: I don't think so, but...

Steve: (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly.

Nicola: Does it now?

Steve: Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts.

(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)

Steve: I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter.

Nicola: Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. With Andy Murray.

Steve: Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace!

Ollie: (to Steve) Good joke.

Steve: (to Nicola) We'll make a Minister of you yet.

Nicola: I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week?

Steve: After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before.

Nicola: Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority.

Steve: The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. (beat) Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument.

Nicola: Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay?

Glenn: Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday.

Nicola: I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon.

Steve: (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying Now now now now now now now now. Now!

Nicola: Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve.

Steve: Lovely. Thank you very much.

Nicola: Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again.

Steve: Oh!

Nicola: Oh, I get another one.

(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)

Nicola: (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face.

Steve: (to the whole team) Bye-bye.

Nicola's team: Bye.

(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)

Ollie: What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say.

Nicola: I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this.

Ollie: (impersonating Steve) 'Caffeinated gifts!'

Terri: Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him.

Ollie: Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot.

(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)

Malcolm: So everybody's for coffee, yeah?

Geoffrey: Mmm-hmm.

Malcolm: Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls.

Marianne: This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time.

Malcolm: All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right?

Geoffrey: If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us?

(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)

Malcolm: (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta.

Marianne: (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show.

Malcolm: It's not for me to say, darling.

Geoffrey: No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls.

Malcolm: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson.

(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)

Terri: Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.

Nicola: What?

Terri: Your nephew. Andy Murray.

Nicola: (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line! What line?

Terri: Press two.

Nicola: He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake!

Terri: Maybe it was three.

Nicola: God, it drives me insane! Is he there now?

Terri: Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold.

Nicola: It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you!

(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)

Ollie: Hi, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Ollie. Andy Murray.

Ollie: Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak.

Malcolm: Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad.

Ollie: Why?

Malcolm: We're gonna look desperate, all right?

Ollie: Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea.

Malcolm: Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right?

Ollie: Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy?

Malcolm: It's fine.

Ollie: Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train.

Malcolm: Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats.

Nicola: (still on the phone with Andy) I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, please don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are here to serve, (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye.

(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)

Ollie: Malcolm says we have to drop him.

Nicola: (in disbelief) What?

Ollie: Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water.

Nicola: I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! Why?

Ollie: It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government.

Nicola: We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will!

Ollie: Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal.

Nicola: Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- (to Terri) You've gotta get on to...

Terri: Me?

Nicola: ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign."

Terri: Right.

(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)

Glenn: Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system.

Ollie: Excellent.

Glenn: (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me!

(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)

Glenn: What the hell's THIS?

Ollie: It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats.

Glenn: "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous!

(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)

Ollie: Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.

Nicola: (to Terri) Okay. Think about what you're gonna say.

Terri: Yeah. Okay, I've done that.

Nicola: What? Already? Is that enough time?

Terri: (on the phone) Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board.

Nicola: (whispering to Terri) Get on with it.

Terri: (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's...

(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)

Nicola: (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down!

Steve: (to Nicola) Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along?

Nicola: It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it.

Ollie: "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft?

Glenn: I don't know what other theft is.

Steve: If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help –

Glenn: You want us to work all through the night on this?

Steve: It would be very much appreciated upstairs.

Ollie: Hah, well: I'm an atheist.

Steve: (laughs) By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way.

Ollie: (mouthing) Well done.

(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)

Malcolm: (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much.

Sam: Where did you go?

Malcolm: I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee?

Sam: Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see.

Malcolm: Andy Murray's website?

(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)

Malcolm: Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle.

(Uh-oh...)

Malcolm: Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!

Nicola: Hello, Terri.

Terri: Morning, Nicola.

Nicola: Who am I, Terri?

Terri: You're Nicola? Nicola Murray?

(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")

Terri: Ah. Secretary of State for...

Nicola: That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website?

Terri: Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is.

Nicola: You didn't make the phone call, did you?

Terri: Well, uh, yes.

Ollie: Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way.

Glenn: (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah?

Ollie: Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from The Mail...

Nicola: Oh, Swine-Face Swift.

Ollie: That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out...

Nicola: There was no drop.

Ollie: Yeah.

Nicola: Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...

Ollie: Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures.

Nicola: Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming!

Ollie: Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he?

Nicola: Bring my dispatch boxes.

Ollie: Okay.

Steve: Malcolm!

Malcolm: Oh, there he is, Bob Carolgees; how's the wee comedy dog?

Steve: Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year.

Malcolm: Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain.

Steve: Oh, nice.

Malcolm: Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with Stephen Hawking, he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap.

Steve: Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on!

Malcolm: What?

Steve: Well, we've got to work together. So, you know...

Malcolm: So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it?

Steve: No, I mean...

(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)

Malcolm: (to the passer-by) Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.)

Steve: We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics.

Malcolm: How does that work? Does that mean that I'm the semi-talented songwriter and you're the fucking loutish prick? That's a lovely analogy.

Steve: You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. (chuckles) Come on, let's have a chat.

(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)

Malcolm: You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a limpet up a whale's arse.

Steve: Why do you thrive so much on being disliked?

Malcolm: People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you?

Steve: I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm.

Malcolm: I'll tell you exactly what people think about you!

Steve: All right, go on then!

Malcolm: Fuck-all!!

Steve: Oh, do they? FUCK-ALL?

Malcolm: People have no fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking Special K or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny?

Steve: No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we?

(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)

Malcolm: Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got The Telegraph on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got The Times asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs.

Steve: (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit!

Malcolm: That's DoSAC for you.

Steve: Come on, Malcolm. Team players!

Malcolm: Bring me sunshine.

(Both men leave the office.)

(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)

Glenn: (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who.

Ollie: (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N.

Terri: (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy.

(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)

Glenn: (to Malcolm) Good holiday?

Malcolm: Shut it, you fucking hairdresser.

Ollie: (to Malcolm) Got any photos?

Malcolm: I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's Spinny fucking Hendrix.

(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)

Steve: Nicola, you and your department have screwed up!

Malcolm: (entering) I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'.

Nicola: Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked?

Malcolm: Andy Murray's Henman-fisting us in the press. We can't have that –

Steve: Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal.

Nicola: This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock!

Malcolm: I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz.

(While Malcolm leaves to go to the bathroom, Steve continues scolding Nicola.)

Steve: I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened?

Nicola: Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter.

Steve: Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!

Nicola: 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to and include the number 20!

Steve: The events leading up to the Second World War do not include the Second World War!

Nicola: We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this.

(Malcolm returns from the bathroom.)

Steve: Listen, sweetheart –

Nicola: Do not fucking call me sweetheart!

Malcolm: I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway.

Steve: I will draft a statement.

Malcolm: You fucking will not draft any fucking statement!

Steve: I've been minding the shop!

Malcolm: You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5!

Steve: Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head!

Nicola: Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted?

(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)

Malcolm: (to Nicola) Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office.

Steve: (to Malcolm) Let's deal with the crime stats...

(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)

Steve: (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody.

(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)

Malcolm: Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People.

(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)

Terri: (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you.

Malcolm: (to Nicola) Talk to him.

Nicola: What?

Malcolm: Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him.

Nicola: NO!

Malcolm: (whispering) Yes.

Nicola: You cannot be serious!

Malcolm: Was that an attempt at a joke?

Nicola: You told me to kill it! I've killed it!

Malcolm: Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion.

Nicola: If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave.

Malcolm: He's a boring fuck!

Nicola: Lewis Hamilton.

Malcolm: Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car.

Nicola: Chris Boardman.

Malcolm: Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? Everybody hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, he's a boring fuck!

Nicola: I cannot...

Terri: (still outside the office) Paula Radcliffe?

Nicola: No, she shat in the street!

Malcolm: And she's a boring fuck as well.

Nicola: How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity?

Malcolm: (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs."

(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)

Steve: Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far?

Glenn: Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White.

(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)

Steve: I cannot believe the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't!

(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)

Glenn: (to Ollie) What's his problem.

(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)

Malcolm: Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I did say I was at the heart of government. But when...

(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)

Steve: Malcolm.

Malcolm: (on his phone) Excuse me.

Steve: I need to talk to you.

Malcolm: (to Steve) One second, please. (back to his phone) Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions?

Steve: (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault.

Malcolm: (answering a knock at his door) Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! (to Steve) Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? (to a colleague) No thanks. (back on his phone) How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. (back to Steve) I am on top of this, okay?

Steve: Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down.

Malcolm: I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers.

(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)

Malcolm: I SAID FUCK OFF!

(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)

Malcolm: Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is!

Julius: (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence!

Malcolm: You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag?

Julius: No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go.

Steve: How about a coffee? Coffee?

Julius: Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee.

Malcolm: Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days?

Julius: Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through...

Malcolm: Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard?

Julius: Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday?

Malcolm: Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to?

Julius: I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly.

Malcolm: So soon?

Steve: And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Okay, good to see you both.

(But just before Steve leaves...)

Steve: (to Malcolm, softly) The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From Simon Cowell to Piers Morgan.

Malcolm: See you later, and remember, my door's always open.

(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)

(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)

Ollie: I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003.

Glenn: I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.

Ollie: Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen.

Glenn: Where?

Ollie: 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.'

Glenn: Elderly aide?

Ollie: Elderly aide.

Glenn: God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift!

(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)

Malcolm: Hey, Dora the Explorer.

Nicola: (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm?

Malcolm: Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you.

(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)

Malcolm: There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you?

Nicola: You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking War of the Roses. Or AIDS. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry?

Nicola: Yeah.

Malcolm: The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up?

Nicola: Yeah.

Malcolm: You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea?

Nicola: Yeah, yeah.

Malcolm: It didn't happen, right?

Nicola: You want me to cover your back?

Malcolm: I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines.

Nicola: You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind?

(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)

Malcolm: What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right?

(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)

Glenn: Well done, Malcolm.

Ollie: He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, Chairman Mao was actually quite impressive.

Glenn: Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic.

Malcolm: How are the hacks?

Steve: Ready to eat their own cocks.

Malcolm: They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking Rangers supporters.

Steve: I know they are.

Malcolm: Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray.

Steve: Shall I go first?

Malcolm: Warm them up. Tell them Olivier is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with Peter fucking Bowles.

(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)

Malcolm: Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit Graham Norton.

Julius: Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny.

Malcolm: I'm under scrutiny?

Julius: Yes.

Malcolm: I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary.

Julius: (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care.

(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)

Malcolm: How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford?

Nicola: I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes.

Malcolm: So IF this phone call does come up...

Julius (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not...

Nicola: You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm?

(Julius breaks up the conversation.)

Julius: Don't do that! I made it quite clear...

Malcolm: (to Julius) I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. (to Steve) Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for Tom Selleck!"

Steve: Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes.

(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)

Steve: So, Malcolm, mate.

Malcolm: What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin.

(An awkward silence...)

Malcolm: No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom.

Steve: No, Tom isn't immediately available to you.

Malcolm: Fuck off.

Steve: Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously.

Malcolm: (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right...

(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)

Steve: Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry.

Malcolm: (answering a door knock) Fuck off!

(Julius enters the office.)

Julius: (to Malcolm) Right. Your five minutes starts now.

Malcolm: Fuck off.

Steve: (to Julius) This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to shit off for five minutes?

Julius: Yes, it would.

(And now, Nicola enters the office.)

Malcolm: (to Nicola) Can you fuck off as well?

Nicola: (to Julius) Julius, what -- (to Malcolm) Sorry, excuse me? (back to Julius) Julius, what is the deal?

Julius: At the moment, Malcolm is getting The Sack.

Nicola: (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking?

Malcolm: (to Nicola) Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say!

Steve: (to Malcolm) Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next.

(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)

Malcolm: (to Nicola) You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. (beat) Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame!

Nicola: I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...

Malcolm: You are fucking here!

Nicola: I'm not seeing this.

Malcolm: Open your fucking mouth for once and say something!

Nicola: I'm not getting involved.

Malcolm: You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say!

Nicola: I'm only a Cabinet Minister!

Malcolm: Fuck off, then!

(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)

Steve: Malc, Malc –

Malcolm: Don't fucking touch me!

Steve: Come on, Malc!

Malcolm: You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs!

Steve: Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me –

Malcolm: And fucking snap your fucking cock off –

Steve: MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?!

Malcolm: Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it.

Steve: Listen to me for one second.

Malcolm: Go right ahead.

Steve: I wouldn't tell you what I've just told you before I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone loved the show, but it just wasn't buttering any parsnips ANYMORE, BROTHER!

Malcolm: Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck.

Steve: (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh...

(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)

Steve: (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me.

Malcolm: Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all.

(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)

Malcolm: Get back to fucking Wind in the Willows, 'cause that's where you fucking belong!

Steve: I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please?

Malcolm: I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you.

(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)

Malcolm: (to Julius) As for you...

Julius: Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain --

(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)

Julius: Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm!

Malcolm: I'll fucking touch you if I like!

Julius: Because I'll tell you this, man!

Malcolm: You'll tell me WHAT?

Julius: YOU shafted me, boy!

(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)

Julius: I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm!

Malcolm: Don't you fucking touch me!

Julius: I warn you!

Malcolm: Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! (to somebody else) MOVE!

(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)

Malcolm: YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! (He leaves Number 10.)

(deleted scene)

Marianne Swift: So all this is homemade, is it?

Malcolm: Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like Jamie at Home, right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face.

(deleted scene)

(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)

Terri: What about Lynda Bellingham?

Ollie: Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says the dancing Oxo lady, good idea. No one from the stage show of Calendar Girls.

(deleted scene)

(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)

Glenn: I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist.

Ollie: That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and Roy Jenkins invented democracy.

Terri: Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser?

Ollie: You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it.

Series 3, Episode 8

(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)

Glenn: You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree.

Ollie: I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death.

(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)

Peter: End of an era!

Emma: Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it?

Phil: (cheering) WHOO!

Emma: (to Phil) Oh, f-- Calm down!

Phil: Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost Freddie. You know. Certainly not Paul Rodgers.

(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)

Stewart: All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? (to a female worker) Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements!

(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)

Steve: Um, lads and lasses! (He laughs) Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. (He laughs again) Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- (imitating gun fire) -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. (Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.) Glenn, mate?

Glenn: Sorry.

Steve: Are you on top of your game?

Glenn: I am -- I am above my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!"

Steve: (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor.

(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)

Man: Do you want to swim the Channel for Scope?

Malcolm: No!

Man: Do you want to do Dragon's Den for Children in Need?

Malcolm: I'd rather fuck a real dragon.

Man: Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant?

Malcolm: How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care.

Man: Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'?

Steve: So, everything: Good.

Ollie: Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but –

Steve: No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all gonna be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government.

Ollie: We're in government.

Steve: (smiling, but clearly annoyed) Well then, prepare to stay in government.

Ollie: Oh right. How do we do that?

Glenn: We pack an overnight bag.

Steve: (apoplectic) Will you PLEASE, FUCKING WELL – (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh) I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright.

Ollie: Always in the last place you look, eh?

Nicola: (to Steve) So, can I...?

Steve: Yeah.

Nicola: Great.

Steve: Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please?

Nicola: Yeah. Nicola.

(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)

Steve: I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne.

Nicola: (nodding) Obviously.

Steve: What I need to know is are you solid?

Nicola: Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave.

Steve: (very pleased) Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you?

Nicola: (chuckling) Well, a lot to do.

(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)

Nicola: Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick.

(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)

Nicola: Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. (to Glenn and Ollie) What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them?

Glenn: Well, um, uh...

Ollie: Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh...

Nicola: (embarrassed) That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye.

Ollie: No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure...

Nicola: (to both Glenn & Ollie) Thank you. You may go.

Glenn: (stammering) We st-We still would like to dance with you.

Nicola: (to Glenn) Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on.

(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)

Malcolm: Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money.

(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)

Malcolm: Oh?

(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)

Julius: Take the rice first.

Malcolm: Thank you.

Julius: Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing?

Malcolm: Is it your baldy swimming cap wig?

Julius: No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry.

Malcolm: Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program?

Julius: Well, I had heard something on the grapevine.

Malcolm: Yeah, it's good. You know that program Civilisation with Kenneth Clark?

Julius: Oh, yes.

Malcolm: It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking Ford Focus.

Julius: The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real."

Malcolm: Your nephew?

Julius: Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back?

Malcolm: (in disbelief) Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind?

Julius: Look, we can do this simply.

(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)

Julius: Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. (Julius drops a pencil) Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? (He drops another pencil) Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? (Julius drops down that pencil, too) Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey!

Malcolm: (rightfully confused) You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination?

Julius: You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role.

Malcolm: I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report.

Julius: I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well?

Malcolm: And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck?

Julius: Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. (Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.) You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. (He eats the rest of the bhaji.) Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away.

Nicola: Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look.

Ollie: He's back.

Nicola: Who? Barrymore?

Ollie: No.

Nicola: Clement Attlee? (realises) Oh fuck!

Ollie: Yes.

Nicola: Malcolm.

Ollie: Yes.

Nicola: Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'!

(Nicola is confronting Malcolm head-on.)

Nicola: Malcolm.

Malcolm: Hey Nicola! How are you doing?

Nicola: You're back.

Malcolm: Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends.

Nicola: With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me.

Malcolm: Forgive and forget. That's my motto.

Nicola: I thought your motto was 'Who fucks wins' or 'Honi soit qui Malc y fuck'.

Malcolm: I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola.

Nicola: God, Malcolm –

Malcolm: The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will bury this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend.

(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks.)

Steve: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.

Julius: Well, actually, that is a popular misconception, because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that, because it would spoil the rhyme.

Steve: Julius. What's up, Boo-Boo? (Both men laugh)

Julius: Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively hoggish with this Hovis.

Steve: I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

Julius: Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there...

Steve: Of course.

Julius: (smiling) The report is strictly confidential until publication. (Julius slightly chuckles) Do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done "a funny."

Steve: (unamused) It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius.

Julius: (continuing to laugh) I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form.

Steve: For fuck's sake! You FUCKING... Pontius Pilate, with the emphasis on PONCE!

Glenn: (reading a headline about Steve and Julius on Times Online) "Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?"

Ollie: What have The Mirror got?

Terri: "Give us the bald facts?" (beat) Oh, that's very rude, that, isn't it? I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people.

Ollie: He's impressive, Malcolm, in an evil way. Like those women at Crufts who make dogs dance on their hind legs.

(Julius barges into Malcolm's office -- and no, Julius is NOT in a good mood!)

Julius: You...

Malcolm: Julius!

Julius: ...are a naughty bastard!

Malcolm: (holding up Julius' report) Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you.

Julius: You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit!

Malcolm: Sam, no pissy biscuits. (to Julius) What are you going on about, Julius?

Julius: You made it look as if Steve Fleming leant on me so that I would wrongly exonerate him. And as a result, I had to come down upon him like a ton of bricks. Totally unfairly just to protect my unimpeachable reputation for fairness.

Malcolm: Yeah, well. It's a great report. I mean, what I really like about it is it's fucking short. How long did it take you to rewrite the Steve Fleming stuff?

Julius: I pulled an all-nighter. Black coffee, Vivaldi on the iPod Touch.

Malcolm: It was certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite.

(Steve enters Malcolm's office, and he's not happy either.)

Malcolm: (to Steve) Oh, Steve, mate. Have you seen the papers? Looks like you're becoming the story.

Julius: (to Steve) Steven, can I begin by saying...

Steve: (to Julius) Oh no, I understand, Julius. It's the game we play. You did what you had to do.

Julius: Yes, but all the same, Steven...

Steve: STEVE!

Julius: (to Steve) I'm sorry. (to Malcolm, unhappily) I'll not forget this.

(After giving Malcolm an ice cold stare, Steve gets ready to go back to his office and clear his desk.)

Malcolm: You off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky gonk, and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug.

Steve: (returning to Malcolm) We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over.

Malcolm: Not me, Steve-o, not me. The independent report. So you know, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go.

Steve: Oh, I agree with you, I'm going. I'm gonna resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to go and join Dan Miller's team. (beat) I think we need a new leader. (walks off)

Malcolm: (following) Steve!

Steve: Oh, no, no, no!

Malcolm: Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar.

Steve: I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down. We are gonna take you down to funky town! Funky Town Centre, here you come! CHOO FUCKING CHOO!

Malcolm: Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve!

Steve: (laughing) There's nothing you can do!

Malcolm: Steve!

Steve: Yeah?

Malcolm: There's one thing I can do!

Steve: What are you gonna do?

Malcolm: Yeah, wouldn't you like to know!

Steve: Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with?

Malcolm: (walking off) Bye-bye!

Steve: I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE! (walks down the corridor) Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!

Glenn: Okay, listen up everybody. That was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal.

Everybody: OOH!

Glenn: Yeah, mate.

Terri: That's a complete disaster. There'll be nothing else on television for weeks.

Ollie: Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this?

Glenn: Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now. He'll be on a plane to Brazil and he's about to spend the rest of his days being the world's scariest dentist.

Stewart: All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. Fly my pretties, fly!

(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)

Phil: Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.

Stewart: No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay?

Emma: He is, and he is complete poison.

Peter: Ah, The Fucker! (to Stewart) And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.

Stewart: Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here.

(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)

Stewart: Cal!

Cal Richards: Hello.

Stewart: Hi.

Cal: Hi, Stewart.

Stewart: Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything.

Cal: Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise.

(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)

Stewart: Yeah, why are you...why are you here?

Cal: Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here.

Stewart: Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk.

Cal: No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked.

Peter: (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah!

(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)

Phil: Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?

Emma: Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.

Cal: Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?

(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)

Stewart: Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm?

Cal: (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.

Stewart: (smiling, but not amused) Funny.

Peter: I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.

Cal: No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, Captain Mainwaring.

Stewart: (to the crowd) All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...

(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)

Cal: FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! IT'S THE ECONOMY, STEWPOT! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! (imitating a gun) FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!

(Then, Cal calms back down again.)

Cal: Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. (to Stewart) Come on!

Stewart: (to Cal) I'm coming. (to Peter) Better the devil you know, huh?

Terri (on the phone): I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, (sings at a low pitch) 'Red and yellow and blue' –

Nicola: What's she talking about?

Ollie: Oh. She's putting on her annual production of Joseph, in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers Joseph to be public domain.

Terri: But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, (sings at a much higher pitch) 'Red and yellow and blue and green' –

Glenn: She's directing it. And starring.

Ollie: As Jacob.

Nicola: With a beard?

Ollie: Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens.

(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)

Malcolm: I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is Diagnosis: Murder not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.

Cal: This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a green and pleasant land, now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.

Malcolm: JB, Cal Richards, and their hordes of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and twat the fuckery out of them –

Cal: This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!

Malcolm: Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! (all applaud and cheer) Come on! Let's go, yes!

Cal: OK, let's get going.

Phil (to Emma): What do we do?

Cal: (on an office phone) What do I call for an outside line?

Emma: That was great, wasn't it?

Phil: What do we do?

Cal: Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?

Cal: (to an anonymous Opposition member of staff) Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!

Peter: Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.

Phil (Chinese accent): 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.'

Peter: The old dog I was referring to was me.

(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)

Terri: See you, Nicola! (to herself) Or not.

(deleted scene)

Ollie: Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen Snakes on a Plane, but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes.

Nicola: Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more Snakes Not on a Plane.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm (walking into Steve's office): Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like Noel Edmonds or secondary cancer.

Steve Fleming: Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted panettone, which, I warn you, is most panettones.

(deleted scene)

Cal Richards (giving his pre-election pep talk): Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.

(deleted scene)

Terri (leaving an answerphone message): If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take –

Ollie: 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes.

Terri: Well, you've spoilt it now.

Series 4, Episode 1

(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)

Peter: No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? (Peter's wife said something to him.) I left it on the kitchen table.

(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)

Peter: Oh, right. My bad, as they say.

Terri: You're a very tidy man, aren't you?

Phil: 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.

(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")

Peter: (still on his cell phone with his wife.) Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.

(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)

Adam Kenyon: I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus?

Fergus Williams: Yeah. Somewhat.

Adam: Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go.

Fergus: I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it.

Adam: Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century.

Fergus: Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.

Peter: (STILL on the phone with his wife...) Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! (Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.) Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.

(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)

Stewart: Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM.

Emma: And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win.

Stewart: Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah?

Emma: Absolutely.

Stewart: (happily) It's "win squared!"

Peter: Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table?

Fergus: From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker.

Stewart: Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.

(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)

Peter: (moaning) Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.

Fergus: Are you fucking serious?

Adam: What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse.

Phil: Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with.

Adam: (to Stewart) No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us.

Stewart: Oh, I think we can. You see...

Emma: We can.

Stewart: You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.

(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)

Glenn: (cracking a Superman joke) Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself)

Terri: Was that a joke or...

Glenn: Yeah. No, I was on the phone. (to Fergus) Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right?

Fergus: No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders.

Stewart: PM's orders.

Glenn: What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners.

Adam: The what? The what? Sorry?

Emma: You know that's what we call you.

Stewart: That's what they call you.

Glenn: WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart!

Terri: Oh, come on, calm down.

Glenn: Just a second. Bollocks.

Terri: Glenn, just leave it, leave it.

(Glenn leaves the meeting room)

Emma: (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him.

Stewart: God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on?

(Quiet in the room again...)

Stewart: Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah?

Fergus: (to Stewart) No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel.

Phil: Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey.

Peter: Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey.

Adam: There you go.

Stewart: Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that?

Peter: (bluntly) ALL the words you just used.

Stewart: (at Peter's office door) Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!

Peter: Then you're an idiot.

Stewart: Laters, legislators. (leaves)

Peter (looking at Fergus's policy): The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.

Glenn (walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil): Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?

(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)

Emma: Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.

Peter: I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.

Phil: Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch.

Peter: Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?

Phil: Erm, what about a sexy undergarment?

Peter: (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No.

Emma: Perfume. What perfume does she wear?

Peter: No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.

Terri: Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.

Peter: OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'

Terri: Can't actually say that.

Peter: Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.

(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)

Adam: Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right?

Fergus: And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.

Terri: Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it?

Adam: Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government.

Terri: Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.

Fergus: Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam?

Adam: Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to Call the Midwife.

Terri: Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about.

Adam: The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push.

Terri: Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I will not -- do ask you ask.

Fergus: Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, NURSE RATCHED, because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is "Tonight" from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't "Rain on my Parade", Funny Girl. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a Hobnob while we run the fucking country, all right?

Terri: (unfazed) Anything else?

Adam: No, don't think so.

(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)

Terri: (to Fergus) Thank you, minister.

(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)

Fergus: Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.

Terri: (on the phone to Emma) We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.

Peter: And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?

Emma: You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the BRITs? 'Tinny' Tempah?

Phil: Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.

(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)

Peter: Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon chap. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want you to design game apps for use in the classroom.

Emma: Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.

Peter: Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which –

Raj: 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free?

Peter: If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise –

Charlotte: Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now?

Teacher: Charlotte.

Charlotte: Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt.

Peter: Yes, but she's my lady. (everyone laughs except Emma) Er, what was your question again?

Raj: Why won't we profit from this?

Peter: Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name?

Raj: Rajesh.

Peter: I'm sorry?

Raj: Rajesh, Raj.

Peter: Well, er, Rajesh Raj – (the students laugh) Oh, right. (chuckles) Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you would, er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against tuition fees –

Charlotte: Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.

Peter: Well, erm, what's your –

Charlotte: Charlotte.

Peter: Oh, well, that's an easier one.

Emma: (to Phil) Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.

Raj: I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.

Peter: Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with us, you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see –

Raj: What do you put into the Networked Nation?

Peter: Well, er, I am – a Minister.

Raj: But what do you actually do?

Peter: I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – apply it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective.

Peter: Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.

Phil: Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.

Emma: 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.

Peter: I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.

Phil: You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.

Emma: No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'

Peter: But it is! That's a fact, not a judgement!

(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)

Female Reporter #1: Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day?

Peter: Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it.

Female Reporter #1: Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops?

Peter: I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees.

Female Reporter #2: The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead?

Peter: No, you can't, I'm sorry...

Female Reporter #2: You can according to your Junior Minister.

Peter: I see.

Male Reporter: Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?"

Peter: That's a ridiculous phrase.

Male Reporter: Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister.

(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)

Female Reporter #1: Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne?

Male Reporter: Drinking on the job, minister?

Peter: It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye.

(Peter gets into his car.)

Peter: (to his driver) Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim.

Peter: (shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC) Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!

Fergus: Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch.

Peter: Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place.

Fergus: What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner?

Peter: This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet!

(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)

Stewart: BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW!

Stewart: (to Peter) Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, P. Diddy?

Peter: It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, and I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that!

Stewart: Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht?

Peter: Garage, car, hosepipe.

Stewart: Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. (to Fergus) And Fergus, what about you?

Fergus: Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre.

Stewart: Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning?

Peter: Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking Will Self lecture.

Stewart: What was the word I used?

Fergus: Coalition?

Stewart: BOOM! So you will go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds with Peter, who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist!

Fergus: So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great!

Peter: I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! (leaves)

Peter: (storming out of his office) She's NOT on the FUCKING LIST! (enters Fergus's office) Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list?

Fergus: Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.

Peter: Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here.

Fergus: (smiling) My hands are tied.

Peter: Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! (leaves)

Glenn: What a very principled stand you're taking.

Fergus: Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.

Peter: (on the phone with his wife) No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.

Phil (to Adam): You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it.

(deleted scene)

Peter: (on the phone to his wife) Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.

(deleted scene)

Terri: Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.

Phil: You leave at 5:40!

Terri: One last thing.

Phil: Yes, Columbo?

Terri: The staff cuts. What do you know?

Phil: Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?

Terri: You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?

Phil: Bye, Terri.

Terri: Was that it, was that code? Am I going?

Phil: No, I'm telling you to fuck off.

(deleted scene)

Raj: What do you actually do?

(quiet laughter from the students)

Peter: I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.

Phil: It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?

Raj: This is bullshit!

(the students laugh)

Teacher: Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?

Peter: I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.

Students (shocked): Oh!

Emma: Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.

(deleted scene)

Adam: We have to distance ourself from this now.

Fergus: Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed.

Adam: Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to Ken Bruce.

Glenn: (on his phone) Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of Henrys who tried to explain it just now.

(deleted scene)

Peter: (to Raj) Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks.

Fergus: (to Raj, quietly) It's a show, it's like Britain's Got Talent, from his era.

Series 4, Episode 2

Ollie: Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have Prime Minister's Questions in one hour.

Nicola: No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped.

Ollie: Yep. You'll walk rings round him.

Ben: The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising walking. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony.

Malcolm: A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse.

Ben: Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon.

Malcolm: Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you?

Ben: Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, Nespresso, sometimes a second shit.

Malcolm: Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.

Malcolm (seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier): Oh, that's very moving: 'They shall not grow old, who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.

(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)

Ollie: They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um –

Nicola: You can't call them streetwalkers.

Ollie: They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?

Malcolm: Sorry, I've just got to take a call.

Nicola: Erm, straights.

Ollie: No!

Nicola: No. No, of course, sorry.

Helen Hatley: Commuting champions.

Nicola: Interrai– human interrailers –

Ollie: Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes –

Malcolm: That sounds like a racist tribute band.

Nicola: Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power.

Ollie: Please don't say special. Don't say special.

Nicola: No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes.

Ollie: Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople.

Nicola: They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, Quiet Batpeople.

Malcolm: (glaring) Quiet Batpeople?

Malcolm: She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes.

Malcolm: Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him.

Nicola: Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool.

Ben: Ploop.

Nicola: Sorry Ben, I missed that?

Ben: Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.

(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)

Nicola: "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper!

Malcolm: Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to Snappy Snaps and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag?

Helen: I didn't know they'd be able to see it!

Malcolm: So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle.

Nicola: I can't even say his name without smiling.

Ollie: Yeah, well, he's not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off.

Malcolm: Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there.

Malcolm: It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love?

Ollie: What film?

Malcolm: The one about the fucking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tin foil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego.

Ollie: Star Wars?

Malcolm: That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big –

Ollie: Death Star.

Malcolm: The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears.

Ollie: They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.

Ben: Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please?

Malcolm: Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it?

Dan: So, your loyalty to Nicola is –

Malcolm: Unwavering. Right up to the point that –

Dan: Someone challenges her?

Malcolm: Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess.

Dan: So you think – I should challenge her?

Malcolm: What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party?

Dan: Yes.

Malcolm: Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank.

Malcolm (putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone): What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts?

(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the Remembrance Sunday ceremony on TV)

Malcolm: You're right, she can't fucking walk.

Ben: I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her?

Malcolm: It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal.

Ben: Sorry.

Helen: I don't understand how you can get that wrong.

Ollie: It's this: (demonstrates) de-de-clunk!

Helen: She is officially a Ceno-twat.

Ollie: Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. The Unknown Leader.

Helen: I can't watch: I feel a bit sick.

Ollie: I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile.

Ben (to Malcolm): Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.

(deleted scene)

(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)

Ollie: Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles?

Helen: Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm –

Malcolm: Sorry, I've just got to take a call.

Ollie: Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you?

Helen: I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.

(deleted scene)

Ollie: Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller.

Malcolm: Oh, I am. (to the empty chair next to him) Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe.

Ollie: Are you OK?

Malcolm: Sit down.

(deleted scene)

Malcolm (to Ollie): This is monkey typewriter stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.

(deleted scene)

Ben: How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.

Malcolm: I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits?

Ben: I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left.

Malcolm: They are big wreaths.

Ben: It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely.

Malcolm: What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war?

Ben: There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive.

Malcolm: Yeah.

Series 4, Episode 3

(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )

Peter: I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit.

Emma: Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue.

Stewart: Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran.

Emma: Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. Or Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem.

Peter: If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday.

Emma: What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut!

Stewart: Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator.

Peter: Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one!

Emma: Try and keep an eye on things, all right?

Peter: The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.)

(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)

Peter: Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.

Stewart: Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards.

Emma: Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.

Stewart: Why's he even gone in today?

Peter: I put him on Tickel oversight.

Stewart: Oh, the eviction.

Peter: Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy.

Emma: Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter.

Stewart: Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record.

Peter: He wanted to feel useful.

Stewart: Then he should sell his organs.

(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)

Glenn: Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!

Phil: Yeah, but very much alive. Well, one of us.

Stewart (to party staff arriving at Thought Camp): OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.

Stewart: OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.

Stewart: OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party?

Peter: When it's at your house?

(quiet laughter)

Emma (quietly, annoyed): Peter!

Stewart: A party is not a party when it is plural. (brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd) There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is not you, and yet of course, she is you.

Peter (to himself, sighing): I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.

Stewart: Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus."

Peter: (to Emma) Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me?

Emma: Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office.

(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)

Emma: (to Peter) And yes, JB is punishing you.

Stewart: OK, let's McIntyre this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please.

Peter: Great, vague prancing about.

Mary Drake: Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy?

Stewart: (to Peter) Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts?

Peter: Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that?

Stewart: Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter.

(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)

Adam: Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day Jeeves. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good.

(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)

Fergus: (to Tara) Here we are, at the Coalface. (to Adam) Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan.

Adam: (to Tara) Hello, lovely to meet you.

Tara Strachan: Hi there.

Adam: Really lovely, lovely.

Fergus: Shall we, er...She's an economist...

Adam: Real pleasure, actually.

Fergus: ...and a lady.

Adam: Yes, obviously. Lovely.

(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)

Phil: What's going on? Who's the skirt?

Adam: Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute.

Fergus: (to Tara) I really like your coat, by the way.

Tara: (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.

Fergus: It's like a leopard.

Tara: It is a little bit.

Fergus: Or a cheetah.

(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)

Tara: The beauty of this model...

Fergus: Yeah.

Tara: ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay?

Fergus: Great.

Tara: Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward.

Adam: This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant.

Fergus: (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam.

Adam: Ah.

Tara: Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.

Adam: Yeah.

Fergus: The helping hand for hands-on people.

Tara: Yeah.

Adam: I like that, that's great. That's really good.

Fergus: Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.

Adam: Terrific. Yeah, really good.

(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)

Peter: Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...

Stewart: Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.

Peter: Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television?

Mary: Yes.

Peter: Am I Diversity?

Mary: No.

Stewart: You're out of questions, Peter.

(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)

Peter: Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity!

Mary: (chuckles) No it's not.

Stewart: No it isn't, Peter.

Peter: I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? (Peter sits down) I'm sitting down, I don't care.

Stewart: Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em.

Emma: Great. Thank you, Stewart.

Peter: (to Emma) You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.

(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)

Tara: Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level.

Adam: This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or...

Fergus: The People's Bank?

Tara: Um, Community...

Fergus: The Credit Fund? (correcting himself) No, no, credit's a bad word.

Adam: Negative. Something, something with "Advance..."

Fergus: The We Bank?

Tara: The We Bank.

Adam: I like that.

Fergus: Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee.

(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)

Glenn: There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.

Phil: Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently.

Glenn: Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive.

Phil: You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on Newsnight?

Glenn: Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis.

Phil: Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.

Tara: Do you want to have an "ideagasm?"

Adam: (very much turned on) Yes, please.

Tara: Ask me how we'd initially fund this.

Fergus & Adam: How would we initially fund this?

Tara: A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.

Adam: You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah.

Tara: Yeah?

Adam: I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?

Tara: Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion.

Fergus: £2 billion?

Tara: £2 billion.

Fergus: Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.

Tara: Sure.

Fergus: And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.

(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)

Stewart: OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?

Peter: Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout Sweaty Swain as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.

Tara: I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.

Adam: (suddenly concerned) What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it.

Fergus: Well... (awkward laughter from all 3 people) He's in opposition. We rule.

Adam: We're the rulers, we're the governors.

Fergus: And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us.

Adam: Fuck yeah!

Fergus: Yeah.

(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)

Phil: Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other, Small is Bountiful, Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary.

Glenn: Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?

Phil: And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!

(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)

Phil: Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.

Adam: Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?

Phil: As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.

Adam: If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!

Tara: Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?

Fergus: Not at all.

Phil: Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Adam: Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.

Phil: How do you explain this, then? (waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space) I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. You're a woman.

Adam: Oh, brilliant. That is really good.

(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)

Glenn: (offscreen) FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!

Phil: Oh shit...!

Adam: Jesus...!

(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching BBC News)

Glenn: Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.

Phil: Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.

Glenn: Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!

(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)

Adam: It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...

Phil: Yeah, so what?

Adam: It's a fucking joke!

Phil: No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen Game of Thrones Season 2?

Adam: No!

Phil: Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok!

Glenn: Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then?

(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)

Phil: The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away.

Fergus: He is dead.

Phil: Which makes him easier to ignore.

Fergus: As a minister, I should at least express condolences.

Phil: (stammering) That-that-that should come from Peter.

Fergus: But he's not here. I am.

(Terri enters the room.)

Terri: Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?

Phil: Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.

Terri: I'll take that as a no.

Adam: Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out!

Phil: Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent.

Glenn: TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!

(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)

Fergus: Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank.

Adam: Yeah, meeting's over.

Tara: (surprised) Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?

Fergus: We've done that.

Tara: Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...

Adam: (jokingly) Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that.

Tara: (smiling) So, is-is this the green light?

Fergus: Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion!

Tara: Oh my God!

(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)

Tara: We'll be in touch!

Fergus & Adam: Thank you.

Tara: Thank you.

Fergus: (to Tara, walking her to the elevator) Lovely to meet you, great.

(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)

Phil: What have we just green-lit?

Adam: Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.

Phil: Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?

Glenn: This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?

Terri: So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.

(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)

Fergus: You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it.

Tara: Oh, wow.

Fergus: That's the way we work round here.

Tara: I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay.

Fergus: Uh, well, it'll be fine.

Tara: Thank you.

Fergus: Great. Lovely to meet you.

Tara: See you soon.

(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)

Fergus: Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! (to Adam) Adam, secure the economist. (to Phil) You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT!

Adam: Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay?

Phil: (calling out to Fergus) Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason.

Adam: I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?

Phil: 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes.

(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)

Glenn: (entering): Have you got any of them yet?

Phil: No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! (Peter's office phone rings.) Jesus. (answers) Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. (hangs up)

Terri: (entering) Who was that?

Phil: World At One. I handled it.

Terri: You don't handle The World At One, Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!

(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)

Glenn: We've got to put something out there, Terri.

Terri: That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. (phones a journalist) Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. (laughing) No! No, Peter's not resigning!

Female party worker: Free apples! [throws ball]

Everyone: Yes and ho!

Male party worker: Uh, free coffins. [throws ball]

Everyone: Yes and ho!

Peter: Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.

Everyone except Stewart: Yes and ho!

Stewart: Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.

Peter: Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. [throws ball]

Stewart: We do away with computers.

Everyone except Peter: Yes and h-

Peter: You idiot! That's fucking mental!

Stewart: No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?

Peter: Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your fucking emails. [Peter gets up]

Stewart: Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...

Peter: I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.

Stewart: I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.

Peter: Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. (Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)

Stewart: No!

Peter: Give me... give me the FUCKING ball, Stewart! [grabs the ball] Let's do away with you.

Stewart: What?

Peter: Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit J.G. Ballard, it's irrelevant and infantile!

Stewart: Oh, very droll, Peter.

Peter: Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.

Glenn: Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.

Phil: Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.

Glenn: I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.

Phil: You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.

Glenn: Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.

(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)

Emma: It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something.

Peter: Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.

Stewart: (to the hotel receptionist) Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please?

Receptionist: Um, your name, sir?

Stewart: It's Stewart.

Receptionist: Stewart?

Stewart: Stewart Pearson.

Peter: Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you.

Stewart: Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it.

(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)

Peter: I can't get any reception.

Receptionist: No, you won't round here.

Peter: What?

Receptionist: "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide?

(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)

Stewart: God, I hate the country. (to Peter) Get higher, you idiot.

Peter: That's it, that's it, I've got something.

Stewart: Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker.

Peter: No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil.

(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)

Peter: She's taking the dog to the hospital...

Stewart: Oh, come on.

Peter: She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic.

Stewart: Oh please, Peter, move on.

Peter: Tickle's dead.

Stewart: What?

Peter: (stunned) Tickle's dead.

Stewart: Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.

Peter: Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't --

Stewart: I need to get this signal!

(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)

Stewart: Stop being so childish!

Peter: Jesus Christ!

Stewart: Just get down, Peter.

(Peter slides down the slide.)

Stewart: I've got it! I've got it!

(Emma's come over to the playground.)

Emma: Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. (Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)

Emma: (to Peter) Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. (to both Peter and Stewart) Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement!

(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)

Glenn: Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now.

Fergus: Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy?

Adam: Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A lot of air.

Glenn: Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold.

Fergus: Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?

Adam: The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is...

(Adam mimes an explosion.)

Glenn: Jesus, is this what we came into politics for?

Adam: Yeah. That and the pussy.

(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)

Peter: What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!

Phil: I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. Jon Snow does it.

Stewart (on his phone): I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.

Peter: Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?

Emma: (on her phone) Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye.

(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)

Peter: Can I, can I take the seatbelt off?

Emma: (to Peter) No, Peter. (Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.) Stewart, what are you doing?

Stewart: It-It helps with the car sickness.

Peter: This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.

Phil: We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.

Emma: This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!

Stewart: Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?"

Phil: Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. (shows Peter a black tie)

Peter: But that's too far the other way!

Stewart: It makes him look guilty.

Phil: How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.

Peter: Oh!

Emma: Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'

Phil (showing Peter his tie): Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?

Peter: What's on your tie?

Phil: Tintin moon rockets.

Peter: Oh, for fuck's sake!

Stewart: (to Phil) God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!

Stewart: Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah?

(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)

Fergus: Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of.

Peter: Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died.

Fergus: Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank.

Emma: ... What?

Peter: You did what? You s– You set up a bank?

Phil (returning with Glenn's tie): I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.

Fergus: Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way.

Peter: What are you talking about? What economist?

Fergus: Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing!

Peter: You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!

Fergus: Peter, this is so fucking us.

Stewart: Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank?

Fergus and Adam: Well, £2 billion.

Emma: £2 billion?

Stewart: Sweet Tracey Emin!

Adam: Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes.

Emma: Oh, that's alright then!

Peter: Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising fucking TAXES?

Fergus: Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?

(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)

Peter: You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS!

Phil: Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – (interrupted by an alert on his phone) Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer.

Emma: (looks at the photo) Oh, f–

Stewart: (receiving Phil's phone) No no no no no no...

Phil: It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.

Adam: You look like the Shit Family Robinson.

(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)

Emma: Jesus Christ!

Terri: Shit!

(Stewart storms off)

Adam: Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.

Phil: My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone!

Fergus: Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?

Peter: It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL!

Fergus: Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'.

Emma: Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK?

Fergus: Bring it!

Emma: I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.

(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)

Peter: I don't want the fucking trousers!

(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)

Phil: Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though.

Glenn: Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal.

Phil: You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement?

Glenn: No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more.

Phil: Yeah. You're the last VHS in Oxfam. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of The X-Files, nothing, can't give them away.

(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)

Fergus: (talking to the reporters) ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program.

Peter: He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- him in particular.

Stewart: Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits.

(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")

Peter: There they are. (Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)

Fergus: Thank you. (Fergus heads back inside.)

Peter: Look at him. (beat) Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs.

Series 4, Episode 4

Malcolm: (on the phone) Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah.

Malcolm: (to a hospital receptionist) Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration.

Ollie: (answers his mobile) Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore –

Malcolm: (entering Ollie's room) Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? (briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)

Ollie: I'll call you back, Mum. (hangs up) It's the scary Morrissey!

Malcolm: (throws Ollie some flowers) I've come to cheer you up.

Ollie: Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm?

Malcolm: No no no, it's one of the many advantages of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from The Secret Garden?

Ollie: Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte.

Malcolm: So have you seen this? (holds up the Guardian, which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)

Ollie: (reads the headline) "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"?

Malcolm: (throws Ollie the paper) Fleming is foaming.

Ollie: Is that it then, is she fucked?

Malcolm: Like Caligula's favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our actual pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head.

Ollie: How...Is this it now?

Malcolm: It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box.

Ollie: Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. (In various accents) "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you."

Ollie: So wait, today's the day?

Malcolm: Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later.

Ollie: (laughing) Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants!

Malcolm: I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with Jimmy fucking Savile. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today.

Ollie: (confused) This is a metaphorical bomb, right?

Malcolm: This is it, Jack fucking Bauer. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.

Nicola: I'm not going to exploit a suicide.

Malcolm: Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah?

Nicola: No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that.

Nicola: Erm, John, maybe –

John Duggan: Please, call me JD, I've rebranded.

Nicola: Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great.

John Duggan: Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin.

Ben (to two colleagues): Yeah, it's a Nigella recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic.

Malcolm: Ah, the hairless Hagrid. I need a private word.

Ben: Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something.

Malcolm (to Ben's colleagues): I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves.

Ben: Yeah, we'll pick this up later.

Malcolm (seeing Ben's empty desk): Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy.

Ben: Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.

Malcolm: Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation.

Ben: And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.

Malcolm: I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.

Ben: All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution?

Malcolm: Nicola has to go. Today.

Ben: Oh, right.

Malcolm: You need to resign.

Ben: And challenge her for the leadership?

Malcolm: Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.

Ben: So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do I get out of this?

Malcolm: I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?

Ben: You might.

Malcolm: I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.

Ben: And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.

Malcolm: This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.

Ben: All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.

Malcolm: I beg your pardon?

Ben: I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face.

Malcolm: Oh. I've underestimated you.

Ben: (quite proud of himself) You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens.

Malcolm: Yeah, well...didn't used to.

Nicola: God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first!

Helen: You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle.

(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)

Ollie: (to Glenn) So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating?

Glenn: Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident.

Ollie: Speaking of which, how is Terri?

Glenn: She's entering her dog for Britain's Got Talent.

(Ollie lets out a big laugh)

Glenn: (to Ollie) Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way.

Ollie: Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it?

Glenn: Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left.

Ollie: So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?

Glenn: Sad business.

Ollie: Very sad business.

Glenn: Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.

Ollie: Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!

Glenn: Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.

Ollie: Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.

Glenn: Okey doke.

Nicola (returning to her seat): Right, wee mission accomplished.

John Duggan: Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on The Cube with Phillip Schofield.

Glenn (entering the toilet): Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.

Ollie: Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. (calls Ben) Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!

Ben: Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.

Ollie: Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? Benola Gay? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.

Ben: Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.

Ollie: And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?

Ben: Why, what's Nicola offering?

Ollie: Name your price!

Ben: All right. Shadow Chancellor.

(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)

Ollie: Ah, you still got it, Benny.

Ben: I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.

Ollie: All right, I'll call you back. (hangs up)

Glenn: This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!

Malcolm (answering his phone): What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock?

Ollie: Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning.

Malcolm: Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from Up?

(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)

Ollie: Yeah, you know, getting there.

Malcolm: Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like Cliff Richard out jogging.

Ollie: Right. OK. I'll be right on it. (hangs up)

Malcolm (entering Ben's office): Oh, here she is. Pippa Middleton, trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we?

Dan: Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party.

Ben: I don't want it. I want Chancellor.

Malcolm (surprised): Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom?

Ben: Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me.

Malcolm: Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics?

Ben: Good, strong.

Malcolm: What, you're a PPE-er guy?

Ben: No, History of Art, but –

Malcolm: Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history?

Ben: Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so it's over. The fat lady's singing.

Malcolm: No she's not. The fat man from the GoCompare adverts is talking.

Ben: This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it!

Dan: Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes.

Ben: Oh, Chumba-fucking-wamba! Then I resign on the dotted line.

Malcolm: Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy.

Ben: Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone?

Dan: No, no.

(Ben leaves)

Malcolm: Is this for real?

Dan: No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in The Wurzels, because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine.

Malcolm: Good, so how are you gonna shaft him?

Dan: That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls?

(Dan nods and smiles.)

Dan: Should we get Ben?

Malcolm: Oh, he'll be back. Like the shit Terminator. (Ben returns) There he is.

Ben: I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous.

Malcolm: How many followers have you got?

Ben: 612, or thereabouts.

Malcolm: Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp.

(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)

Nicola: Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her!

(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)

Malcolm: These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an application here that can throw grenades into people's dreams.

Ben: So, how do I look?

Malcolm: Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah?

Ben: Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself?

Malcolm: No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola.

Ben: You've...Um...

Malcolm: There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter.

(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)

Nicola: I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck!

Helen: What?

Nicola: Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself.

Helen: (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself.

Nicola: Malcolm made me do it.

Helen: Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah.

Nicola: You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad.

Helen: I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. (Helen scoffs) Brilliant. Courtesy of the Telegraph website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that?

Nicola: You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the Daily Politics.

Helen: Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and...

(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)

Helen: Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses?

Nicola: Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare.

Helen: Have a good stare.

Nicola: (on the phone to Ollie) You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now.

Malcolm: Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking vuvuzelas: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech.

(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)

Malcolm: Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading.

Nicola: It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party.

Malcolm: You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt.

(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)

Malcolm: And here he is, the anointed one!

(Malcolm leads the room in applause)

Dan: Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man.

Series 4, Episode 5

(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)

Phil: There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams."

Peter: Farewell, our shit and useless servant.

Emma: Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies.

(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)

Stewart: I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. This is what will happen.

Phil: (looking downstairs) What the fuck is Stewart doing?

Stewart: You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.) I expect both of you, you two...

Peter: (groaning) Oh, fuck.

Stewart: ...to get together...

Peter: The man made of space hopper is coming this way.

(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)

Emma: This is gonna be about the inquiry.

Peter: (to Phil and Emma) I'm thinking I should resign now.

(Emma and Phil are stunned.)

Emma: WHAT?

Phil: No, you can't do that! You're Aslan! No one shaves your mane!

Peter: I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out.

Emma: No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically.

Peter: (slumping his shoulders) Yeah.

(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)

Peter: The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of Morecambe and Wise's policy launches is ruined.

Phil: Are those the carers? They don't look old enough.

Emma: Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies.

(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)

Peter: (to the carers) Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do.

Fergus: Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers...

Peter: (to Fergus, flatly) I've just met them.

(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)

Peter: What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking Barabbas.

Phil: Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal.

Emma: Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray.

Peter: Yeah, how?

Emma: You could push for the inquiry to go wider.

Phil: Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down!

Emma: No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement.

Phil: That is a good idea.

Peter: Really?

Phil: Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian.

Emma: We can backspin it, Peter, it's good.

Peter: But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs.

(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)

Stewart: If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri)

(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)

Peter: (to the carers) Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. (Then Peter walks over to Terri.) Terri, I've got a job for you.

Stewart: Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton –

Peter: (to Stewart) Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. (to Terri) Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts.

Terri: Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release...

Peter: Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah.

Stewart: Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator.

Peter: Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye.

Malcolm (to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival): Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; blind man's crumpet's on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking Anne Robinson, right? The look we're going for should be solemn respect: you know, like blokes modelling underpants.

(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)

Nicola: This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down.

Dan: (unmoved) An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate.

Nicola: Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. (chuckling) Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so...

Dan: But you only beat me on a technicality.

Nicola: Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, (Dan nods) you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – (Malcolm enters) Malcolm, this is a private conversation.

(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)

Malcolm: You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck you. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in Grazia.

Dan: Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong.

Malcolm: (to Nicola) Come on, let's go.

Nicola: Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent.

Malcolm: Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. There's your golden handshake.

Nicola: Finished?

Malcolm: You're finished.

Nicola: (to Malcolm) We'll see. (to Dan) Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" (pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign) Illiterate fuckers.

(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)

Adam: Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre."

Fergus: Does that give us enough distance from Mannion?

Adam: Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it.

Fergus: Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us.

Adam: Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he?

Fergus: Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich?

Adam: Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it.

(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)

Glenn (on the phone): Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.

(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)

Adam: Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- (pretending to be a magician) Wow! This. (Adam shows Glenn a USB flash drive.) Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair.

Glenn: What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh?

Fergus: You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn?

Glenn: Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher.

Adam: (pointing to the USB flash drive) Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy.

Fergus: This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate!

Adam: Pick it up.

(After some thought...)

Glenn: Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.

Fergus: Good man. Thank you.

(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)

Glenn: I don't need to shake your hand.

Fergus: All right. Touchy, but not feely.

Glenn: Just go. I'll just have a look at it.

(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)

Adam: You are a brilliant bullshitter.

Fergus: Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.

(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)

Terri: Glenn! (beat) What are you doing at my computer?

Glenn: I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email.

Terri: A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. (pointing to the computer) Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out.

Glenn: No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension.

Terri: (tempted) And a lump sum?

Glenn: Yeah, I guess, yeah.

Terri: (whispering) The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do.

Glenn: Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at The Guardian.

Terri: Okay, yeah.

Glenn: Right.

Terri: Can we do it together?

Glenn: What?

Terri: Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...

Glenn: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Terri: Yes, okay.

Glenn: Not that I'm saying you're butch.

Terri: No, of course not.

(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)

Glenn & Terri: One, two, three...

(They click the mouse.)

Glenn: Just send the email.

(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)

Stewart: Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah?

Peter: (groaning) Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca.

Stewart: Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that?

Peter: What's "Tickle's M Records"?

Stewart: Medical, it's his leaked medical records.

Peter: Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge.

Stewart: Well, they are now, because they have been leaked.

Peter: (to Emma) Did you know about this?

Emma: Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah.

Peter: (to Phil) What about you?

Phil: Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself.

Stewart: Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that.

Peter: He was mad, that's precisely what his records said.

Phil: Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental.

Emma: (taken aback) Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people?

Peter: Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records is illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent.

Stewart: (writing on the whiteboard) Ah! Peter, incompetent.

Peter: Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion!

Stewart: (continuing writing) What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm?

Emma (looking at her phone): Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go.

Phil: Great! (stands up)

Stewart: Hey, no no no no no no no, sit.

Emma: The Guardian have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a chain of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath.

Phil: Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the Mr. Men jokes?

Emma: Yes, yes. That one, Phil.

Stewart: Oh, you kid me!

Phil: Oh, Jesus!

Emma: I kid you not!

Peter: Oh my giddy fuck.

(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)

Emma: They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'.

Peter: I can't see! Can I make it bigger?

Phil: Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus.

Peter: Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet!

Ollie: Erm... Glenn is in reception.

Malcolm: Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie?

Ollie: Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception.

Malcolm: Glenn?

Ollie: Yeah.

Malcolm: Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it.

Ollie: Yes...

Malcolm: She doesn't even know!

Ollie: Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm.

Glenn: Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?

Ollie: Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.

Glenn: No, I have to. I can't go back over there, it's like Alien vs. Predator!

Ollie: Glenn!

Glenn: I want back in! Here!

Ollie: Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--

Glenn: What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided.

Ollie: Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- (Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside) Hey! M-Malcolm!

Malcolm: Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.

Ollie: Right.

Malcolm: You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.

Glenn: I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!

Malcolm: I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.

Glenn: Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.

Malcolm: You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.

Glenn: Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.

Malcolm: Listen, Mary, Queen of fucking Shits: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish pasty, hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! (turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs) Sam, what is it?

Sam: It's a call from Stewart Pearson.

Malcolm: (takes the phone from Sam) Stewart Pearson. (to Glenn) I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. (answers the phone, walking away) Stewart. Yes, the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B.

Ollie: It's a no, Glenn.

(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)

Stewart: Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm?

Malcolm: Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking.

Stewart: No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down?

Malcolm: (sarcastically) Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured.

Stewart: Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah?

(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)

Terri: (to Peter) The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this.

(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)

Peter: (to the carers, smiling) Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. (to Phil and Emma, angrily) Meeting room!

(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)

Peter: (to Phil and Emma) Right, SIT DOWN!

(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)

Peter: I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign.

(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)

Peter: (still composing himself) What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign.

Phil: (stunned) Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister.

Emma: (while Phil's talking) That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description.

Peter: (unimpressed) That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign.

Phil: (struggling) I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know...

Emma: (to Phil) What's his inside leg measurement?

Phil: (to Emma) 34. (to Peter) I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay?

Emma: Phil, you are just a...

Phil: And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here!

(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)

Terri: (entering) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here.

Peter: Oh, Christ...

Terri: Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One.

Peter: (fed up) That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself!

(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)

Terri: I can't bear that you think about me like this.

Peter: Don't follow me, Terri.

Terri: Please...

Peter: Stop following me.

Terri: I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please...

Peter: All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding!

(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)

Fergus: (happily) Mannion goes Mel Gibson.

Adam: (chuckling) Spot it.

(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)

Fergus: You know, you know what you've done?

Adam: Yeah?

Fergus: You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum.

Adam: It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it.

Fergus: Did a liquid shit on it.

Adam: Trousers down.

Fergus: And where did the shit go?

(Adam imitates an explosion.)

Fergus: All over Mannion.

(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)

Adam: That's just priceless.

Fergus: Fuck, hang on...

Adam: What?

Fergus: Um, check the fucking emails.

Adam: What are you talking about?

Fergus: What the fuck did you give to Glenn?

Adam: (checking the computer) Well, it was just the email, just the...

Fergus: Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email.

Adam: Oh, fucking hell...

(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)

Fergus: Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle?

Adam: Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it.

Fergus: Why did you give him the choice?

Adam: Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down!

Fergus: Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam!

Adam: Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it!

Fergus: I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not Madras fucking everywhere!

(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)

Adam: Hey! 2000 Year Old Man! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!

Glenn: Terri and I sent what you gave me.

Adam: (in hysterical disbelief) Terri?! Why the fuc– THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO SHOOT ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!

Glenn: Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!

Fergus: BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, (points to his eye) RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, CALLED TERRI!

Terri: (from behind a book shelf, voice cracking) I am actually here, you know!

Fergus: Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!

(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)

Adam: (singsong) Fuck you very much! (to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Five minutes, guys, yeah?

The Carers: (moaning) Thanks.

Terri: (quietly to Glenn) Glenn...what about my tea shop?

Glenn: (sarcastically) It got closed! There's been a murder!

Ollie: An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so – We are so screwed!

Malcolm: He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it!

Stewart: In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see from space, IT'S GOING TO BE SPACE! BRIAN COX IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS!

Peter: BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!

Stewart: ANYTHING! If I find out that anyone from here has leaked anything, I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet!

Peter: But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here!

Stewart: No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! (mobile rings) Oh, Christ. (answers) Hello, Malcolm!

Malcolm: Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact.

Stewart: Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are.

Malcolm: Yes. You sound really shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly.

Stewart: Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep?

(Fergus and Adam burst in)

Fergus: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

Adam: (restraining Fergus) All right, Fergus. (calmly) What the fuck is going on?

Phil: The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!

Emma: There's gonna be an inquiry.

Malcolm: Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. It's the end of the world as we know it. To paraphrase a popular fucking Bangles song.

Ollie: It was, erm...It was R.E.M.

Malcolm: Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit.

(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)

Malcolm: Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then – it bursts! And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad?

Malcolm: This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes.

Ollie: (sarcastically) Yeah, well...Whereas your closet is completely free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex.

Malcolm: When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it?

(deleted scene)

(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)

Malcolm: Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.

Ollie: All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.

Malcolm: This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.

Ollie: Yeah, what does that tell you?

(deleted scene)

Glenn: But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and Julian Fellowes has written a fucking shit drama about it.

Series 4, Episode 6

(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)

Lord Goolding: This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir.

Simon Weir: Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson.

(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)

Stewart: (to the Bible holder) No, that's, er, it's fine. (taking the oath) Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth.

Simon Weir: On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that?

Stewart: Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process.

Simon Weir: Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair?

Stewart: It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm?

Simon Weir: A transceiver?

Stewart: Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo.

Lord Goolding: Could you possibly speak in plain English?

Stewart: I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was.

Baroness Sureka: So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson.

Stewart: I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito."

Baroness Sureka: So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right?

Stewart: That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor.

Baroness Sureka: (correcting Stewart) No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson.

Stewart: Sorry, I must have misread your face.

Baroness Sureka: Um, does your job intrude on your home life?

Stewart: No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson.

Baroness Sureka: When you...

Stewart: I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson.

Baroness Sureka: So who are you at home?

Stewart: Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist.

Baroness Sureka: A...

Stewart: A flautist.

Baroness Sureka: Right.

Stewart: I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán.

Baroness Sureka: Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family?

Stewart: Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. (Stewart corrects himself) I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again.

Matthew Hodge: Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. (Both turn to that page in their folders.) A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there?

Stewart: Sure, yeah, the main thrust –

Matthew Hodge: Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity.

Stewart: Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I say that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the Pompidou Centre: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane.

Lord Goolding: Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson?

Stewart: People should know, er, what politicians are doing.

Lord Goolding: Brilliant.

Stewart: Thanks.

Matthew Hodge: Government should be porous?

Stewart: Yes.

Matthew Hodge: But not leaking.

Stewart: Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that.

Matthew Hodge: So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists?

Stewart: If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for Gary Lineker?

Matthew Hodge: Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers?

Stewart: No, it is not fair to say that.

Matthew Hodge: In fact, because you disapprove and condemn these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before?

Stewart: I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion.

Matthew Hodge: In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, Centre Point? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there.

Stewart: (calmly, but sarcastically) I think there's some kind of club on the top floor.

Baroness Sureka: So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records?

Stewart: No, no.

Baroness Sureka: Have you ever leaked yourself?

Stewart: No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop.

Baroness Sureka: Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from?

Stewart: Well, you know, if this was CSI: Miami, I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public.

Baroness Sureka: Well, despite your shirt, this isn't CSI: Miami. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak?

Stewart: Well, I guess I'd be sending David Caruso knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker.

(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)

Lord Goolding: Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?"

Malcolm: Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist.

Lord Goolding: So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number?

Malcolm: Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think.

Baroness Sureka: You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you?

Malcolm: (laughs slightly) I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated.

Baroness Sureka: So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it?

Malcolm: It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door.

Baroness Sureka: I've highlighted some quotes: The Guardian: 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a Velociraptor.'

Malcolm: Yes, the Guardian, the newspaper that hates newspapers.

Baroness Sureka: Telegraph.

Malcolm: The Telegr-arse.

Baroness Sureka: 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like raw alcohol, at once cleansing and corroding.' The Times: 'If you make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The Spectator: 'Iago with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided?

Malcolm: The Spect-hater. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way.

Baroness Sureka: Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally.

Malcolm: How do you know that? You don't know what confidences have been breached in order to form these opinions, for that is what they are.

Baroness Sureka: So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery.

Malcolm: Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies.

Lord Goolding: One person did die, Mr. Tucker.

(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)

Baroness Sureka: Would you tell us how it works?

Malcolm: You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah?

Lord Goolding: And what might you expect in return?

Malcolm: Anything.

Baroness Sureka: What?

Malcolm: Well, a Kit Kat, you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal.

Simon Weir: Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean?

Malcolm: (going through his notes) Um...Well, yes. I...This is the Daily Mirror. And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the Daily Mirror about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. (Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.) I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them.

Simon Weir: Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this?

Malcolm: Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this.

(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)

Simon Weir: You were trying to undermine the leader of your party?

Malcolm: (putting away the picture) I was...

Simon Weir: Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker?

Malcolm: I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that.

Simon Weir: And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person.

Malcolm: Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's...

Simon Weir: Yeah, thank you.

Malcolm: ...death came out.

Simon Weir: Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the...

Malcolm: Yeah.

Simon Weir: ...the death of Mr. Tickel. (beat) So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that?

Malcolm: (takes a long pause...) No. No. (beat) No I didn't.

Simon Weir: And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance?

Malcolm: No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because that sort of thing -- makes me queasy.

Simon Weir: So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will?

Malcolm: I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right?

Simon Weir: Mmm-hmm.

Malcolm: This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic.

Lord Goolding: (very upset) Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us!

Malcolm: I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know.

Lord Goolding: Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football?

Malcolm: Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction.

Lord Goolding: (sternly) I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points.

Malcolm: Sorry, I'm, I apologize.

(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)

Matthew Hodge: (to Fergus) Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier?

Fergus: Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye.

Matthew Hodge: Would you like me to read what he said about you?

Fergus: Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw.

Matthew Hodge: Embarrassing, I imagine?

Fergus: (emabarrassed, but gathering himself) Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed.

Matthew Hodge: Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place?

Fergus: (after a pause) They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller.

Matthew Hodge: And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct?

Fergus: (taken aback) Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question?

Matthew Hodge: Go on.

Fergus: You do realise that you're being spun here, you do see that?

Matthew Hodge: Spun?

Fergus: 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get you to then ask his questions.

Matthew Hodge: Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.

Fergus: I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.

Matthew Hodge: Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader?

Fergus: (in disbelief) Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain?

Lord Goolding: (firmly) Mr. Williams.

(A short time later...)

Baroness Sureka: Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department?

Fergus: (stumbling in his testimony) Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.

Baroness Sureka: (reassuring) Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine.

Fergus: Sorry, can I just say...

Lord Goolding: We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid.

Fergus: Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...

Lord Goolding: I'm sorry.

Fergus: ...to be "skin flakes."

Lord Goolding: Thank you.

(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)

Simon Weir: Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel?

Peter: When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer.

Simon Weir: Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness?

Peter: Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – (There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.) No, no, a Housing Association flat was found, which he-he declined. The policy didn't make him homeless.

Lord Goolding: The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived.

Peter: He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face.

Simon Weir: Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face?

Peter: (stammering) Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues.

Simon Weir: The email leaked to The Guardian, uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking Florence Shiteingale." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous?

Peter: (dismissively) This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but...

(A few moments later...)

Baroness Sureka: Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"?

Peter: Data what?

Baroness Sureka: Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money.

Peter: Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it.

Baroness Sureka: Are you at it, Mr. Mannion?

Peter: (scoffing) No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know.

(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)

Matthew Hodge: You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death.

Peter: (getting defensive) Well, I-I-I felt bad. But-but not guilty. I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone.

Matthew Hodge: Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day?

Peter: Why? He wasn't trying to call me, I mean, I-I'm not the Samaritans. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice.

(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)

Baroness Sureka: Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at The Times?

Peter: Yes.

Baroness Sureka: Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story?

Peter: Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember.

Baroness Sureka: Well, did you ring him on any day telling him?

Peter: (trying to assert himself) Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to dare, to-to get things done, not-not to leak things, or-or, or spin or, or blag or-or...smuggle, but-but to serve with honest, hard work, to do.

Baroness Sureka: And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at The Times?

Peter: No, I-I-I didn't do that.

(And now, it's time for the Special Advisers to issue their testimony: Fergus Williams's adviser, Adam Kenyon, and Peter Mannion's advisers, Emma Florence Messenger and -- yes, here it comes -- Philip Bartholomew Cornelius Smith.)

Simon Weir: Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a, you know, what a special adviser does?

Emma: Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing.

Simon Weir: But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service?

Phil: Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be, uh, Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – er, we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens.

Simon Weir: Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon?

Adam: Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps. At all.

Matthew Hodge: Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon?

Phil: Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect.

(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)

Matthew Hodge: Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon?

Adam: Yes.

Simon Weir: What about data smuggling? Is that something you were aware of?

Adam: Yeah, I mean, uh, of course I was aware of it. I think we all were.

Phil: Yeah, that it goes on.

Adam: I would say, I would say it was, uh, it was endemic. It happens every time.

Simon Weir: Endemic?

Emma: It's commonplace. Hospitals, uh, anywhere with-with public information, GPs, passport offices, you know, you name it. They're-They've all been known to slip information for money.

Simon Weir: Do-do any of you know, uh, of specific individuals who will-who will offer this...this information trade?

Adam: No.

Emma: I don't, no.

Adam: No.

Simon Weir: Right, so just to clarify, you say that it's "endemic."

Phil: Right, absolutely.

Simon Weir: But you don't know anyone who actually does it.

Emma: No.

Phil: No. (beat) No, I mean, I could if I needed to. I have a very wide web of contacts.

Simon Weir: Right, but it's not contacts that you use?

Phil: Uh, no. My-My position is, "If you leak, you're weak." If I'm gonna come at you, I'm gonna come at you head on, man-on-man. That's how I like it -- uh, politically speaking.

'(Emma and Adam are both -- literally -- speechless about Phil's rather, uh, blunt admission.)

Baroness Sureka: You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the Guardian? How did you feel about uh, the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death?

Adam: Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive –

Emma: Absolutely.

Adam: – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful.

Emma: I agree, (points to Adam and Phil) I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying.

Baroness Sureka: (reading) 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to change a light bulb? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? Lithium.' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and Captain Oates? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and-and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messenger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health, um, issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'.

Emma: (feeling guilty) I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry.

Phil: If I could add, uh-uh-uh, a mea culpa here rather than dancing around it? Um, others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of, uh, shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. Uh, this has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be.

Baroness Sureka: How did you react to the news of Mr. Tickel's death?

Adam: Shock. Absolute shock.

Phil: Fell to pieces.

Emma: Devastation.

Phil: Awful. I mean, we couldn't believe it. It was tragic...

Baroness Sureka: Can I just refer you to Dr. Tara Strachan, who I believe was, uh, in your department for a meeting, uh, at that time, and she described...the atmosphere in the office as an atmosphere of elation. And you, Mr. Smith, were seen to be punching the air. Do you remember doing that?

Phil: I, uh, I do not remember to that.

Baroness Sureka: Well, if you weren't punching the air, do you remember what you were doing?

Phil: I-I cannot say to that.

Matthew Hodge: Is it fair to say that information coming in and out of DoSAC is, uh, "sticky," for want of a better word?

Adam: Yes. I would certainly agree with that, to that. (Adam clears his throat) If I, if I may speak freely at this point, I-I think the reason for a lot of leaks coming out of DoSAC is that-is that it's very hard to get information out of the official channels.

Matthew Hodge: There's a kind of blockage, is there?

Adam: Exact-Exactly that, um, and an information blockage. Uh, and it-and it-and it has to find its way out through other routes.

Emma: No, it is actually Terri Coverley, um, who is Head of Press, in name only.

Phil: Good, yes. It's Terri. Definitely.

(And with that, Terri Coverley takes her testimonial turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)

Terri: (reading the oath) I, Teresa Jessica Coverley, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Lord Goolding: Please be seated, Mrs. Coverley.

Terri: Thank you very much.

Lord Goolding: Mr. Hodge has some questions.

Matthew Hodge: Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. (Terri laughs.) Why are you smiling?

Terri: I'm not smiling. (beat) No, or rather, I'm-I'm smiling, but it-it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm –

Matthew Hodge: You have a guilty conscience?

Terri: No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, um – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do act guilty, um – When I was a child, um, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, um, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind.

Matthew Hodge: Can you explain to us how communications works in government?

Terri: Well, um, I use an analogy. Um, I like to think that dealing with the press is, is not so much herding cats, it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, um, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, uh, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a-is a lady called Robyn.

Matthew Hodge: How was your relationship with Nicola Murray?

Terri: Professionally or personally?

Matthew Hodge: Professionally.

Terri: Not good.

Matthew Hodge: And personally?

Terri: Not good. No, I mean, she-she resented me. She was jealous of me, I think. I mean, a lot of women are. And it's no secret that...well, she's a woman who has issues. Uh...major issues. I felt...I mean, if you want me to be truthful, I felt very sorry for her.

Matthew Hodge: And, uh, your relationship with Peter Mannion?

Terri: Oh. (nodding) Yeah, very very very good. Um, yes. Both professionally and personally. Although, of course, I...I draw a, you know, between the two. Um, but he's a lovely man to work with, to be-to be with, to be close to, and...

Matthew Hodge: Several others have referred to you as a blockage.

Terri: Perhaps they meant...buffer. Because I am a buffer between their heads and things that want to hurt their heads.

Matthew Hodge: Who, in your opinion, was responsible for the PFI email being leaked?

Terri: Well, that's not for me to say, and I don't want to be accused of telling tales before school...but I think it was Malcolm Tucker.

Matthew Hodge: Why do you think that?

Terri: Um...feminine intuition? Feel it in my water?

Matthew Hodge: Any reasons beyond your bladder?

Terri: Well, Malcolm can be very, very tough. I mean, that's no secret...

Matthew Hodge: Can you give me an example?

Terri: Well, he can send very forthright texts.

Matthew Hodge: And would you say he was bullying?

Terri: (chuckling) Well, I can look after myself. I mean, I wasn't bullied at school. I-I was very popular. But if you were somebody who-who...who had been bullied at school, somebody who was weak or not popular, someone like Robyn, for example, yes. I think Malcolm Tucker would be very, very intimidating indeed.

Matthew Hodge: You are happy to go on record saying Malcolm was a bully?

Terri: (hesitating) Um...

Matthew Hodge: Malcolm was a bully?

Terri: (still hesitant) Mmm...

Matthew Hodge: We'll need a yes or a no.

Terri: (finally) Well, yes, then. Yes.

Matthew Hodge: Mr. Tucker is in next, I can't imagine he'll be very happy about that.

Terri: No, he won't. No, he won't.

Matthew Hodge: Right, well I think we can leave it there, Mrs. Coverley.

Terri: (very relieved) Oh, good. Sorry, I mean, thank you. (Terri stands up) Thank you, thank you very much. (to Lord Goolding, bowing) Your...Your Lordship.

Lord Goolding: We may need to call you back as I feel there are some issues that still need clarification.

Terri: Very good, yes, of course.

(Malcolm is now back for a second turn with the Goolding Inquiry. What Malcolm doesn't know, however, is that there is surprising new evidence that will make him look guilty of doing something illegal.)

Lord Goolding: Thank you for agreeing to return to us at such short notice, Mr. Tucker.

Malcolm: It's no problem. It's, uh, you only appear in front of the Goolding Inquiry twice, once on the way up, and once on the way down.

Lord Goolding: Let's hope that's not the case. Glad to see you again, Mr. Tucker.

Malcolm: Nice to be here.

Simon Weir: Uh, did you watch the evidence, uh, given by Terri Coverley?

Malcolm: Yes. And I find her quite funny, without resulting to vulgarity.

Simon Weir: She was very clear that she regarded you as a bully, something that you denied in your-in your first testimony. How do you respond to that?

Malcolm: Um, well, I respond thusly that that's slander.

Lord Goolding: We're trying to clarify the culture of communications over which you presided. And we have a contradiction between participants.

Malcolm: Well, I would say that I'm someone who lives and breathes communication, so I-I would lend more weight to my words rather than to someone who is just in it for the pension.

Simon Weir: And-And how is that not slander?

Malcolm: Well, because that's true. She wants a pension more than Richard Hammond wants a punch in the face. You know, she sat here for an hour. You can't have looked at her and thought this was not a person who isn't mentally un-robust.

Baroness Sureka: I'd like to return to the Batpeople photograph, if I may.

Malcolm: Why not? Yes, one of my triumphs.

(A TV that Lord Goolding is sitting near is turned on, and a picture of the newspaper headline with the Batpeople photograph appears on the screen.)

Baroness Sureka: Now, um, you said you were cropped out of the original photo.

Malcolm: Sadly, yes.

Baroness Sureka: But they have enlarged -- can we show the enlargement? They have enlarged that photograph for us.

(An enlarged version of the photograph now appears on the TV screen. Malcolm is in on the far left of the picture, carrying some folders under his arm.)

Baroness Sureka: Now, could we, uh, go to the close-up of the folders that you're carrying...

(A potentially incriminating close-up of notes on the folders is shown.)

Baroness Sureka: ...in that photograph? There we are.

Malcolm: Who enlarged this? Was it The Guardian that did this for you?

Baroness Sureka: I believe so.

Malcolm: I didn't know they were offering that service? They should do passport photos as well.

Baroness Sureka: Thank you.

Malcolm: They'd double their revenue if they did passport photos a couple of times.

Baroness Sureka: This-This is the folder that you are carrying in your hand, and you see there, there's a document poking up, uh, out of the top on the notepad. Um...there's a series of numbers written across the top there. Would you be able to tell us what the first two numbers are?

Malcolm: (looking at a copy of the photo) I don't-well they look like telephone numbers, I don't know.

Baroness Sureka: Yes, they are Mr. Tickel's mobile phone number and his ex-wife's landline number.

Malcolm: Yeah. (beat) Well, there's nothing untoward about me having those.

Baroness Sureka: Well, actually Mrs. Tickel's phone number was ex-directory. But let's just leave that to one side for a moment.

Malcolm: Very wise.

Baroness Sureka: Um, the bottom set of numbers. Do you have any recollection as to what they might be?

Malcolm: No.

Baroness Sureka: Really? I mean, you didn't even look.

Malcolm: Where are we going with this?

Baroness Sureka: They are Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number.

(Big silence in the room, at first...)

Baroness Sureka: Mr. Tucker?

(More cold silence...)

Baroness Sureka: So why would you have that?

(Malcolm takes a few moments...and then for some reason, gives a smile as if he's surprised...and then answers.)

Malcolm: I don't-I don't recall...

Lord Goolding: Sorry, can I just clarify that? Are you saying you don't recall having them or you don't recall how you obtained them?

Malcolm: Um... (slightly confused) I don't recall having them.

Baroness Sureka: But it...it appears to me that you have been rather careless in this instance, Mr. Tucker.

Malcolm: Not at all.

Baroness Sureka: What? No, you were photographed with these papers, you flaunted your ruse to puff yourself up, thereby drawing attention to this photograph, this photograph which is now implicating you in a rather troubling way.

Malcolm: (smiling slightly) Sorry, I didn't hear a question there. Is there a question here?

Baroness Sureka: It was an observation, Mr. Tucker.

Malcolm: It's an observation, so what, are we-Is this an-an inquiry or an observatory? It's an optician's.

Baroness Sureka: You'd like a question. Here is a question for you. Do you have an explanation for having these numbers?

(Malcolm has a chance to explain himself...but instead, he answers the question like this.)

Malcolm: Those numbers are not necessarily what you say they are.

Baroness Sureka: (unimpressed) Did you request this information?

Malcolm: Um...

(Explain yourself, Malcolm!)

Baroness Sureka: Because, Mr. Tucker, if you didn't request the information, the only other way that it could have come to you would have been if somebody had supplied you with his NHS number, which would, of course, be illegal.

Malcolm: Yes.

Baroness Sureka: Yes. As would obtaining his health records and releasing them to the press, which you denied all knowledge of earlier, and you would have committed a crime. Mr. Tucker, a very serious crime.

Malcolm: Well, as you say, I denied it.

Baroness Sureka: Yes. And, um...do you repeat that denial here?

Malcolm: I'm not sure that you know exactly how this all works.

Baroness Sureka: Mr. Tucker, are you repeating that denial?

Malcolm: Yes, um...I-I am. I deny it. I do deny it.

Baroness Sureka: Thank you.

(And now, Nicola Murray, the former Leader of the Opposition, is having her turn with the Goolding Inquiry. AND...just like Rodney Dangerfield, Nicola gets no respect.)

Matthew Hodge: Of course, you were until quite recently Leader of the Opposition. You led your party for...

Nicola: For 2 years, yes.

Matthew Hodge: 22 months and 9 days.

Nicola: (quietly annoyed) Yes, I was rounding up.

Matthew Hodge: How does it feel to lose that position so abruptly and so publicly?

Nicola: Um, horrible. (brief chuckle) It feels horrible. Uh, I think I felt as I would feel if I were being strangled to death by somebody I trusted.

Baroness Sureka: Yes, er, the press have been unkind to you over much of your recent career, haven't they?

Nicola: Well, when you're a high-profile politician, you expect to be in the public gaze. Um, I would say that there's a-there's an, eh, a certain level of extra scrutiny that is afforded to women in the public gaze, I-I'm sure you would agree.

Baroness Sureka: (not pleased) But you were, um, followed around for 6 months by a man dressed as a pork chop. Is that the particular kind of scrutiny that-that you're saying is reserved for women?

Nicola: (annoyed again) No, that was just reserved for me.

Baroness Sureka: If we, um, just could turn to Tab 16. We-We have some articles here. There's quite a few, actually. Um -- On the top of the second page here, there is, erm, an exploded view of your face.

Nicola: Yes, well they have, erm...They have magnified, uh, a picture of my top lip...uh, in the hope of finding a mustache, which I do not have. I never have had a mustache, so...

Baroness Sureka: If we, er, yes, again, if we turn to the fourth page of this tab. Uh, "Frumpy, grumpy and dangerous to know: How Nicola Murray went from gold to lead in 6 months." I mean, this is typical of, uh, of many of the pieces printed about you at the time, about a year ago, wasn't it?

Nicola: Yes it was.

Baroness Sureka: Over 35 major articles.

Nicola: Yes. Yeah, I mean, I...I suppose the point I'd make is that...we're sitting here in-in our ivory, um, inquiry...uh, and out there, in the real world, there is actual news happening. You know, we've got the chief whip's office, you know, during the course of this morning, has come under very particular scrutiny, there are funding issues, there's the justice minister crisis that's suddenly sort of spiraling out of control, I just -- I don't quite know why we're-we're focusing on my mustache.

Lord Goolding: I'm afraid both of those very recent, uh, developments may well be the subject of police investigations, so cannot be discussed in this room.

Nicola: (smiling sarcastically) Which shows they've done the job.

Lord Goolding: Done the job?

Nicola: Well, it-it just seems to me that somebody is engineering this flurry of press reports in order to divert attention from the, er, shall we say, dramatic revelations of this inquiry. I mean, it just seems like there's another story every 5 minutes.

Lord Goolding: And who would that somebody be?

Nicola: Well, um...I'd -- Maybe we should ask Taggart.

Lord Goolding: (displeased) Would you care to make a specific allegation against someone?

Nicola: Uh, no, I wouldn't care to, no.

Matthew Hodge: On a completely unrelated matter, Malcolm Tucker was pleased to see you go, is that a fair statement?

Nicola: Uh, yes, I think that would be fair to say. Yes.

Matthew Hodge: Did he engineer the leaking of the e-mail that led to your resignation?

Nicola: Er, well, I don't have any...solid evidence, er, that he did that. (Nicola then hears mobile phones ringing.) Sounds like somebody else's career has just gone into the shredder.

Lord Goolding: (calling out to the gallery) I have asked for all mobile phones to be turned completely off, please. (back to Nicola) I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Murray. (to Matthew Hodge) Mr. Hodge.

Matthew Hodge: Mrs. Murray, we spoke earlier about your husband's interests in the key worker housing sell-off.

Nicola: Yes, we spoke about his lack of interest, in fact, to be precise.

Matthew Hodge: Yes, well I've no wish to retread that particular...

Nicola: No, I've no wish to, either. I mean, I really do want to make that quite clear, I'm finding this constant reiteration of my husband's, er, innocent position, uh, to be wearing in the extreme.

Matthew Hodge: Mrs. Murray, may I remind you that you did ask for this inquiry to be set up.

Nicola: I-I didn't not want an inquiry.

Matthew Hodge: Well, presumably there was something that you feel that needed to be said, needed to be asked about, er, about PFI, about leaking.

Nicola: I think, uh, that it's a good idea to have an inquiry every now and then. I just think it, um...livens things up a bit.

Simon Weir: On-On that subject, was it, um, Mr. Tucker who persuaded you to call for an inquiry into Mr. Tickel's death?

Nicola: Uh, I called for the inquiry after Mr. Tucker had spoken to me.

(Suddenly, someone hands Lord Goolding a note.)

Nicola: Is there...a better party happening elsewhere?

Lord Goolding: I'm sorry, Mrs. Murray. In view of, uh, events developing outside of this room, some of which may be subject to police investigations, and consequently to re-examine the parameters of this inquiry, I think we'll leave it there for the moment, Mrs. Murray.

Nicola: (opening a notebook) Well, uh, yeah, I have actually prepared a very brief statement, which I think will clarify my position on...

Lord Goolding: I'm afraid we don't have the time for that.

Nicola: It is very brief. Um...I think it was Gandhi who once said that an honest man is a gift from God...

Lord Goolding: (to Nicola) I'm sure a written submission will suffice. Thank you so much. (to the gallery) I'm now going to adjourn for a short period.

Nicola: (muttering to herself) For fuck's sake...

Simon Weir: Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms. Murdoch.

Robyn: Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying me at DoSAC.

Simon Weir: You've experienced bullying there?

Robyn: Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.

Simon Weir: That's the form the bullying takes?

Robyn: And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you Mariella Shitstrop. Or Flouncy Sinatra, which doesn't even really work!

(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)

Lord Goolding: As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in The Sunday Times. This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge.

Matthew Hodge: Thank you. (to Ollie) Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC.

Ollie: Yup. I was, uh, the senior adviser.

Matthew Hodge: Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers?

Ollie: Yeah, again, the, the senior adviser, yeah.

Matthew Hodge: I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller?

Ollie: Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really.

Matthew Hodge: Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power.

Ollie: True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah.

Simon Weir: You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now.

Ollie: Yes I have, yes.

Simon Weir: He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he?

Ollie: Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me.

Simon Weir: No?

Ollie: No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest.

Simon Weir: So he's never, uh, bullied you?

Ollie: (smiling) Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No.

Simon Weir: Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly did bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.'

Ollie: Yeah. Well that's – yes. (laughs) That's banter.

Simon Weir: 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, (Ollie laughs) fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.'

Ollie: That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him.

Simon Weir: And what was that?

Ollie: Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so...

Simon Weir: Very good.

Ollie: So it's not bullying.

Simon Weir: Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of?

Ollie: Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but...

Simon Weir: Well, please take your time.

Ollie: Yeah, of course.

Simon Weir: There's no hurry.

Ollie: Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone...

Simon Weir: I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean...

Ollie: Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was...

Simon Weir: You weren't working remotely from the hospital?

Ollie: (stammering) No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No.

Simon Weir: Did you have any visitors?

Ollie: Erm...

Simon Weir: You must be able to remember that.

(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)

Lord Goolding: Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records.

Ollie: Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office.

Lord Goolding: Can you give us a name?

Ollie: Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me.

Simon Weir: Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want?

Ollie: (getting anxious again) He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but...

Simon Weir: I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. --

Ollie: Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to...

Lord Goolding: Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations.

Ollie: No, of course, of course.

Simon Weir: Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know?

Ollie: (still stammering) Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work.

Lord Goolding: Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder?

Ollie: Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP.

Lord Goolding: Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you.

Ollie: Oh, well, okay.

Lord Goolding: That's fine, thank you.

(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)

Matthew Hodge: Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams.

Glenn: Yes, yes I did, that's right.

Matthew Hodge: And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing.

Glenn: Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics.

Matthew Hodge: Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy?

Glenn: Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives.

Matthew Hodge: No friction?

Glenn: No, the only "F" word was "Fun."

Matthew Hodge: Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you.

Simon Weir: Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government?

Glenn: Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying.

Simon Weir: To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry?

Glenn: Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?"

Simon Weir: Does it?

Glenn: Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity.

Baroness Sureka: Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen?

Glenn: First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you...

Baroness Sureka: I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?"

Glenn: Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't.

Matthew Hodge: Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak.

Glenn: Yes I am. (Glenn quickly corrects himself.) By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you?

Matthew Hodge: You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations?

Glenn: Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...

Matthew Hodge: Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then?

Glenn: I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person.

Matthew Hodge: Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case?

Glenn: Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly.

Matthew Hodge: Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak?

Glenn: (after a long pause...) No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics.

Lord Goolding: Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker.

Malcolm: That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week.

Lord Goolding: There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry.

Malcolm: Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers.

Baroness Sureka: Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall.

Malcolm: Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way.

Baroness Sureka: (sarcastically) Thank you, nice to see you too.

Lord Goolding: At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct?

Malcolm: Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you.

Simon Weir: Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation?

Malcolm: Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk.

Baroness Sureka: At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it?

Malcolm: Yes, I have.

Baroness Sureka: And could you tell us any more?

Malcolm: No.

Baroness Sureka: You've got no recollection at all?

Malcolm: No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced.

Baroness Sureka: I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work.

Malcolm: Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here.

Baroness Sureka: I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution.

Malcolm: Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where you are without bending the rules, that's the way it is.

Baroness Sureka: Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number?

Malcolm: Who said I acquired it?

Baroness Sureka: A photograph.

Malcolm: No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder.

Baroness Sureka: Who gave you the folder?

Malcolm: I don't remember.

Baroness Sureka: You are being deliberately evasive.

Malcolm: ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember.

Lord Goolding: Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media?

Malcolm: I can't recall.

Baroness Sureka: So that's not a denial?

Malcolm: Je ne remember rien.

Baroness Sureka: Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them.

Malcolm: Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their vajazzles! We've come to a point where there are people, millions of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to OK! magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a Page 3 girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how dare you come and lay this at my door! How dare you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me.

Lord Goolding: Are you finished?

Malcolm: Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me.

Lord Goolding: Would you like to stand down?

Malcolm: (getting up and walking out) Thanks, m'Lord.

Simon Weir: Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. (Robyn laughs) Now, did you have something to add to that?

Robyn: I just – Shepherdess, did she say – (to Terri) Did you say shepherdess?

Terri: Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow?

Simon Weir: Er, no, not completely, no.

Robyn: The shepherdess analogy's floored him.

(deleted scene)

Baroness Sureka: Your own privacy is important to you.

Stewart: Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home.

Baroness Sureka: Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home.

(all chuckle)

Stewart: Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room.

Baroness Sureka: I see.

Stewart: Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.

(deleted scene)

Matthew Hodge: In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job?

Terri: Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. (looks for the Bible on her desk) Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it?

Matthew Hodge: Sorry, what exactly do you mean?

Lord Goolding: I'm not sure I follow you.

Terri: Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa.

Lord Goolding: So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate?

Terri: No no no, it's a bit, erm – Songs of Praise. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language.

Lord Goolding: Sign language?

Terri: Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture.

Matthew Hodge: If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is.

Terri: No no no, I didn't, I didn't say that –

Matthew Hodge: No, on the contrary, you did say that.

Terri: No, er –

(deleted scene)

Lord Goolding: You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader.

Malcolm: Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens.

Series 4, Episode 7

(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)

Peter: Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. (Peter disconnects his phone.) So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?

Phil: Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us.

Peter: Who's fault's that, Phil?

Phil: I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school swimming gala.

Peter: It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.

Emma: (walking in, on her phone) Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. (hangs up) Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.

Phil: I thought we weren't talking to The Proclaimers.

Peter: We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries.

Emma: You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right?

Malcolm: Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max, and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.

Stewart: Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division.

Peter: Well, yes there is; (looks to Fergus's office) anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.

Stewart: OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group?

Terri: Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.

Stewart: OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.

(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)

Adam: (to Terri) Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then.

Terri: Okay, uh...

Adam: So what is it?

Terri: Simple explanation.

Adam: Love to hear it.

(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)

Peter: (moaning) Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.

(Peter then hides in his office.)

Emma: Look, synchronize lies, all right? (Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.) Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play.

Mary: Yes, you actually did, didn't you? (to Terri) Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. (Mary shakes Terri's hand) I've heard a great deal about you.

Terri: Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear.

Mary: (sharply) I fully intend not to. (to Stewart) Stewart. Chakras balanced?

Fergus: Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. (to Terri) Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that.

Terri: Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes.

(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)

Peter: Mary! Great to see you again.

Mary: (flatly) I'm here in an angry capacity.

Peter: Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.

Mary: (to all) The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours.

Fergus: Sorry to be, uh, contrary, Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.

Mary: Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. (leaves)

Peter: Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?

Stewart: I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. (leaves)

Adam: Subtitles, you need subtitles!

Fergus: (to Terri) Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?

Terri: It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason.

Adam: Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat.

Terri: I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat!

Adam: You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!

(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)

Ollie: M. Tucker.

Malcolm: Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat.

Ollie: You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing.

Malcolm: Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested.

Ollie: Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout?

Malcolm: Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him.

Ollie: So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much.

Malcolm: Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office.

Ollie: So now I have to step into your shoes, but after you've shat in them.

Malcolm: Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out.

Ollie: Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that?

Malcolm: Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie.

Ollie: No.

Malcolm: And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? You?! Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.

Ollie: And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right?

Malcolm: Oh?

Ollie: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.

Malcolm: Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?

Ollie: Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.

Malcolm: You know Jackie fucking Chan about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE! You can't know Malcolm, 'cause MALCOLM IS NOT HERE! MALCOLM FUCKING LEFT THE BUILDING FUCKING YEARS AGO! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job?

Ollie: ... Yes.

Malcolm: Yes! You do fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do!

Ollie: Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out!

Malcolm: I'm as dead as fucking two-tone. But I can fashion my own exit.

Ollie: Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna fly to Switzerland and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?

Malcolm: Funny, funny man. Political exit.

Ollie: No, I know.

Malcolm: I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them.

(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)

Nicola: I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with Abu Hamza? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.

Helen: I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told.

Nicola: (taking a breath) Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record...

Helen: Just get in there before I push you in.

(At Lewisham Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)

Dan: Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral.

Ollie: Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've Apollo 13'd it.

(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of Brentford Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)

Malcolm: 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here?

Prisoner: You could hang yourself.

Malcolm: Fuck off!

(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)

Malcolm: HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! (the taxi stops and they get in) Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! (the taxi drives off) You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit.

Glenn: Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm...

Phil: What is it, you got an erection?

Glenn: No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!

Phil: Is that it?

Glenn: No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!

Fergus: Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –

Glenn: (grabs a desktop lamp) YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!

Terri: Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.

Glenn: (puts down the lamp) You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.

Adam: If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.

Glenn: Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!

Adam: Brilliant. Bring it.

Glenn: You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.

Adam: Yep.

Glenn: You were so well-suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here!

Emma: Hear, hear! (she and Phil clap)

Glenn: Do you know what? I hate you both: Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world, so thank fucking God you have no power!

Fergus: Er, we do actually, it's –

Glenn: No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.

Phil: (gleefully) This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?

Glenn: And Emma.

Phil: Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!

Glenn: Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? (takes a pair of scissors)

Phil: Oh, whoa, whoa.

Glenn: I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, (takes his pass and cuts it up) because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!

Terri: Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.

Glenn: Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! (leaves)

Phil: That was better than IMAX Inception.

Emma: Poor, poor Glenn!

Peter: Should we try and get him back?

Emma: Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!

Adam: He's gone Glenn-tal.

(Malcolm's last line)

Malcolm: I want to say something. I want to say something! (long silence) It doesn't matter.

(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)

Mary: (to Peter) Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut.

Peter: Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had successfully reduced the arrest backlog?

Mary: DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually.

Terri: Thank you.

Mary: But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change.

(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)

Mary: (to Stewart) Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank.

Terri: What?

Stewart: (scoffing) Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm?

Mary: The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you?

Stewart: (calm, but clearly unhappy) Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um...

(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)

Stewart: You know, I've spent ten years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. (finally gets up) But after a while, you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.

(This is the show's closing line.)

Peter: What a shit day!

Cast

The Government

Her Majesty's Civil Service

Joanna Scanlan — Terri Coverley
Polly Kemp — Robyn Murdoch

The Opposition

The Media

Ben Willbond — Adam Kenyon
Lucinda Raikes — Angela Heaney

Former Characters

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

The Thick of It

The Thick Of It quotes at the Internet Movie Database