The Good Place

The Good Place (2016-2020) is an American TV series, aired on NBC, about a woman who wakes up in the afterlife and is introduced to "The Good Place", a Heaven-like utopia, in reward for her righteous life. She realizes that she was sent there by mistake, and must hide her morally imperfect behavior and try to become a better person.

General Quotes

Welcome! Everything is fine.
- The sign present outside Michael's office in the Good Place

Season 1

Chapter 1 – Everything is Fine [1.1]

Michael: Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?

Eleanor: I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?

Michael: Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

Eleanor: Cool.

Eleanor: Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?

Michael: Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.

Eleanor: Who's Doug Forcett?

Michael: Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing!

Michael: Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep! You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.

Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?

Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

Eleanor: That's bullshirt.

Janet: Hi there. How can I help you?

Eleanor: What the fork? Who are you?

Janet: I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.

Chidi: She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...

Eleanor: Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?

Janet: No.

Eleanor: Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

Janet: That's correct.

Eleanor: Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.

Janet: Yes, you were.

Activist: Hi there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Eleanor: Do you have a second to eat my farts?

[Eleanor tosses her coffee cup at a trashcan but it bounces off and falls on the ground]

Activist: You missed.

Eleanor: [scoffs] Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment.

Eleanor: Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Chapter 2 – Flying [1.2]

Chidi: I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Eleanor: Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?

Janet: It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

Tahani: That was my first time as a fashion "don't," and I did not care for it.

Chidi: You are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Eleanor: Well, I think you're wrong.

Chidi: What country am I from, again?

Eleanor: Sen...sodyne?

Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste.

Chapter 3 – Tahani Al-Jamil [1.3]

Eleanor: It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?

Chidi: (pointing to the board) Plato!

Tahani: So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...

Eleanor: "Congratulations, Beautiful.."

Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

Chidi: Basically, my life's work is 3,600 pages of garbage. Even Michael couldn't understand it.

Eleanor: So? What does Michael know?

Chidi: Everything. That's my point... he knows everything, and it was too convoluted, even for him.

Eleanor: Michael does not know everything. Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here. You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.

Chapter 4 – Jason Mendoza [1.4]

Jason: When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.

Eleanor: No, Jianyu, we're dead.

Jason: Whoa, that's a dope prank.

Jason: And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.

Eleanor: Pretty unique decorating style you have here, Jianyu. It's like, "12-year-old boy" meets "13-year-old boy."

Tahani: Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves, and picking up my early evening gloves.

Tahani: I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.

Michael: Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.

Jason: I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.

Jason: I didn't get into heaven to go to school.

Eleanor: You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.

Eleanor: I read this entire David Hume book, and then I read it again because I didn't understand it the first time, and now I'm ready to go.

Chapter 5 – Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis [1.5]

Chidi: So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

Eleanor: I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?

Chidi: Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Jason: Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Chidi: Um, okay, what?

Jason: Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

Chidi: Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Michael: I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

Janet: Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

Michael: A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?

Tahani: Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

Michael: It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Eleanor: When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Chidi: I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.

Eleanor: That's your idea of paradise?

Eleanor: I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?

Eleanor: Look at all these dishes piling up. I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically clean by morning.

Chidi: I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

Eleanor: Oh... Then what's up with these bad boys?

Chidi: You are unbelievable.

Tahani: I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.

Eleanor: Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

Eleanor: It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate. I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

Chapter 6 – What We Owe to Each Other [1.6]

Chidi: Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.

Eleanor: Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?

Chidi: Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.

Eleanor: Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Chidi: Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon.

Michael: So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

Eleanor: Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

Tahani: Jianyu, my love. How are you?

Jason: [reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.

Tahani: That's very profound.

Chidi: You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?

Jason: No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.

Tahani: And do you like France as much as I do?

Chidi: Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.

Michael: I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.

Chapter 7 – The Eternal Shriek [1.7]

Eleanor: Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So, in that sense, he is the real problem. Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!

Tahani: By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?

Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."

Tahani: Could you describe it?

Michael: It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.

Tahani: Hmm. How about blue?

Michael: For a being like me, retirement is not something fun.

Tahani: What is "retirement" for you exactly?

Michael: Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.

Tahani: Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.

Michael: They're not. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...

Tahani: Like a piñata.

Michael: Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Eleanor: Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Michael: I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get my hair wet. You know? I wanted to pull a hamstring. To learn the difference between "toward" and "towards." I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway, and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card. I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, "Take it sleazy."

Chidi: Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.

Chidi: You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.

Eleanor: Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.

Chidi: Do you know who said that?

Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?

Chidi: It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.

Janet: There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact: the first Janet had a click wheel.

Chidi: So it's like aging for a human? You're growing up?

Janet: That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.

Chidi: Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.

Eleanor: Not with that attitude, we can't! Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.

Chidi: Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.

Janet: Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Chidi: Ah, thank you. That helps.

Janet: However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.

Eleanor: Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Chidi: I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.

[Chidi walks towards the kill switch]

Janet: [begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...

Chidi: Ah!

[Chidi jumps back]

Janet: Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Chidi: Your pleading seems so real.

Janet: Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Eleanor: Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's, 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?

Chidi: I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Michael: Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.

Tahani: Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

Michael: I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Chidi: Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?

Janet: A-B... Janet.

Eleanor: She knows her A-B-Janets.

Chidi: She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.

Chapter 8 – Most Improved Player [1.8]

Tahani: You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.

Janet: Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Michael: Is it actually a cactus?

Janet: I don't understand.

Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?

Janet: I have the file.

Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?

Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.

Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.

Janet: Here you go.

[Janet hands Michael a cactus]

Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?

Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Eleanor: Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

Jason: That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

Chidi: You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.

Eleanor: No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Tahani: You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show Anderson Cooper 360.

Eleanor: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

Tahani: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.

Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.

Eleanor: Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.

Jason: Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?

Eleanor: Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?

Eleanor: I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.

Michael: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Eleanor: I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And that I never did laundry. And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.

Chidi: You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.

Trevor: This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops. You just thought about it.

Michael: Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.

Trevor: One final note: the dining car is at the very back of the train. It serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed.

Chapter 9 – …Someone Like Me as a Member [1.9]

"Real" Eleanor: Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.

Trevor: Yep that was my pitch.

Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Chidi: Famously a piano player.

Troy: Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.

Janet: Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?

Janet: People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

Jason: That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.

Janet: Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks. Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question? What are jalapeño poppers?

Jason: Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Eleanor: You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?

Trevor: Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person," I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it. But I read your file. You don't belong here. I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away. I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.

Tahani: I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.

Trevor: Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.

Eleanor: No, we didn't!

Trevor: Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?

Trevor: Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Michael: Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?

Chidi: What uh, who's Shawn?

Michael: He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

Tahani: And his name is... "Shawn"?

Michael: You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - [to Eleanor] they have them down there - but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.

Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.

Chapter 10 – Chidi's Choice [1.10]

Jason: Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.

Tahani: What are you talking about?

Jason: I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.

Tahani: And is, uh, that a family member?

Jason: I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.

Tahani: You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

Michael: Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.

Chidi: Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.

Michael: Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?

Chidi: I don't know.

Eleanor: There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him. His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi!

Janet: Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about.

Uzo: Come on, Chidi, pick someone.

Chidi: Don't pressure me, Uzo.I have to consider all the factors; Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or..or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.

Chapter 11 – What's My Motivation [1.11]

Michael: Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.

Eleanor: That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

Chidi: You just lost five points.

Eleanor: There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.

Tahani: [confused] Wall mart?

Eleanor: It's a place that regular people go. You haven't heard of it.

Tahani: Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!

Tahani: Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Eleanor: Well, fork you too.

Tahani: No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Tahani: We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever. This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.

Michael: Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.

Jason: I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.

Jason: We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.

Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.

Jason: Love you too, babe.

Michael: Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

Pillboi: Jason going to jail?

Police Officer: No, man. Jason's dead. He suffocated in that safe. There were no air holes. Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there, which couldn't have helped.

Pillboi: At least he died doing what he loved - a bunch of whippits. Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.

Police Officer: Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.

Jason: Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...

Janet: I'm not a girl.

Jason: And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.

Janet: Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

Chapter 12 – Mindy St. Claire [1.12]

Checkout girl: So, big plans this weekend?

Eleanor: Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

Checkout girl: ...

Activist: Hi there! Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Eleanor: No! Buzz off whale humper!

Activist: You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.

Eleanor: It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight I literally forget you exist.

Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.

Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.

Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.

Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right.

Shawn: I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

Bad Janet: What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [Farting] Nailed it.

Shawn: I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

Beadie: Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie. I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife.

Trevor: What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?

Beadie: That's not possible.

Trevor: Congrats. Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...

Beadie: They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.

Trevor: Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.

Beadie: We got you your favorite beer.

Trevor: Yeah, but it's always warm.

Beadie: On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.

Trevor: Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible.

Beadie: You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.

Mindy: So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.

Eleanor: You were pretty coked-up, huh?

Mindy: Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high! It was so awesome!

Mindy: But you're not gonna believe this, I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.

Eleanor: Good for you!

Mindy: And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.

Eleanor: Ooh.

Mindy: Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me. [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just, I shouldn't. Do you?

Eleanor: No.

Mindy: Oh, yeah...I mean, I was just, I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now...

[long awkward pause]

Eleanor: Are you okay?

Mindy: Anyway...

Michael: We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?

Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... [read's Jason's file] Oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

Shawn: Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name is Shawn.

Michael: Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Chidi: Ah, kind of like a last meal?

Michael: Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

Chidi: That's what you think hell is?

Chapter 13 – Michael's Gambit [1.13]

Jason: I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.

Janet: I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Chidi: Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.

Eleanor: You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days…side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

[While everyone argues, Eleanor closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she tries to think. Suddenly, her eyes snap open.]

Eleanor: Holy motherforking shirtballs.

Chidi: What?

Eleanor: Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.

[Eleanor's bedroom door opens. Michael and Shawn come outside.]

Michael: Is everything okay?

Eleanor: Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.

Chidi: What?!

Eleanor: [to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Michael: Well, what about Real Eleanor?

Eleanor: No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

Shawn: Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

[Bambajan suddenly bursts through the door, book in hand]

Bambajan: Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.

Eleanor: Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.

Bambajan: …oh. Okay. [he leaves]

Eleanor: [to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.

Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?

Eleanor: [turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.

[She turns back to Michael and Shawn as everyone stares in disbelief. Michael stares Eleanor down for a moment, before his face splits into a wicked smile and he lets out an evil laugh.]

Michael: Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.

Season 2

Chapter 14 & 15 – Everything is Great! [2.1-2]

Eleanor: Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or whuuuat are you? A type of soup, maybe?

Michael: Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood. Everyone here led a remarkable life. But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary!

Eleanor: Ah, well, it's the environment. I mean, I loved, um mushrooms. I can honestly say that.

Michael: Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood. And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party. You know, just to introduce yourself.

Eleanor: How can I say no? Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can: Michael, I'm saying no.

Michael: Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so?

Michael: Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.

Michael: Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

Tahani: The point is, we're all good people, right? We all did the right thing whenever we could. And that's why it's so nice to be here among you, in this massive house that I want. I want this house. Give it. No, I'm just kidding. But really, give me the house.

Michael: Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test! Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

Chris: You said that if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying, "I'm going to the gym," so that's what I've been saying.

Michael: That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?

Chris: Five. No, nine.

Michael: You dimwit!

Chris: Hey, man! I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I twist them until they snapped in half, and I move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else. I'm going to the gym!

Jason: Can I go to your house?

Janet: I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.

Jason: Can I go there?

Janet: No. It's a boundless void.

Tahani: It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.

Tomás: My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!

Tahani: I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!

Eleanor: This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.

Michael: Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?

Jason: Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.

Eleanor: Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Chapter 16 – Dance Dance Resolution [2.3]

Michael: They're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.

Eleanor: Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Janet: Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.

Eleanor: Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.

Chidi: Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.

Eleanor: Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

Jason: I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Tahani: I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape! She'd fit right in!

Eleanor: Oh, excuse me! You WISH you could have a bite of this pear!

[on Day 55 of another reboot, during an argument…]

Jason: Yo YO! Homies! Check in. 'Cuz there's something messed up about this place. We keep fighting each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?

Michael: [horrified] Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.

Eleanor: As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.

Chidi: Your mom always said that?

Michael: Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.

Chidi: I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.

Eleanor: Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us.

Chidi: Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistemological nightmare.

Eleanor: Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.

Chidi: You, you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.

Eleanor: I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason," but I know a little wisdom I can give you.

Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

Chapter 17 – Team Cockroach [2.4]

Michael: Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.

Chidi: It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

Tahani: You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

Eleanor: What do we do?

Jason: We team up with Michael.

Eleanor: Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

Jason: He has a bow tie.

Eleanor: Oh, no.

Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.

[a beat; Eleanor slaps Jason]

Jason: I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?

Michael: [chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.

Jason: Will they ever win the Super Bowl?

Michael: Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.

Michael: I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.

Eleanor: Gross.

Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael: We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.

Eleanor: "We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.

Host: Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine."

Tahani: Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.

Host: Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.

Tahani: [annoyed] I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.

Host: Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.

Tahani: ...Is there a question?

Host: Don't you find that remarkable?

Tahani: Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period. Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. Perhaps we should talk more about that.

Host: Perhaps we should. But first, another question about Kamilah. Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children.

Tahani: ...

Host: I'm sorry, I forgot about you.

Tahani: Oh, no. I died in Cleveland?

Michael: I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Chidi: How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing?

Eleanor: Nine weeks, minimum.

Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-

Eleanor: Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!

Chapter 18 – Existential Crisis [2.5]

Tahani: Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

Jason: Yes! She does.

Tahani: Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much."

Eleanor: Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.

Chidi: Are you trying to say "valedictorian?"

Eleanor: No.

Chidi: Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.

Eleanor: That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.

Chidi: You mean a skirt?

Eleanor: No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.

Eleanor: Dude, you broke Michael.

Chidi: No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.

Eleanor: And what if he can't?

Chidi: Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.

Donna: Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggie, Max, has passed away. Do you know what that means? Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow. I already said "rainbow". The point is: that's where Max is.

Eleanor: Can we visit him at the farm?

Donna: Nope, because it's very far away in Guam. It's in Guam.

Eleanor: Can we at least...

Donna: Okay, look. I'm lying, okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up. The bridge is made up. There's no such place as Guam.

Tahani: I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.

Michael: Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.

Chidi: Hi, Jeanette.

Janet: Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

Jason: Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.

Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

Jason: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.

Tahani: Why? It's not important.

Michael: Okay, I know what you're thinking. Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison. But don't think about that. Don't be sad, you guys. Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir which I am wearing a lot of tonight. Or the Sharper Image Catalog. What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing. I'm going to do some push-ups. Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.

Eleanor: Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.

Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.

Eleanor: Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Chapter 19 – The Trolley Problem [2.6]

Tahani: But this is hard because the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.

Chidi: Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?

Michael: Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.

Everyone Else: ...

Michael: Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?

Chidi: Yep. Ten more buddy.

[Michael goes up to the chalk board and starts writing]

Michael: People good. People good. Why is that so hard to remember? People- What is it?

Chidi: Good.

Michael: Good.

Jason: Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?

Tahani: Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out."

Jason: Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.

Tahani: But then that person would know we were together.

Jason: Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.

Tahani: But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.

Jason: I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

Chidi: I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?

Michael: "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."

Chidi: Do you see how you're already off topic?

Michael: Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

Janet: Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.

Tahani: Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just heard that.

Michael: These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?

Eleanor: Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.

Jason: Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Michael: What's happening? What's wrong?

Janet: I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why. And it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So that's the main thing. How are you?

Chapter 20 – Janet and Michael [2.7]

Michael: They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void. It's right next to Accounting.

Michael: Wait a second, Janet. What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out the neighborhood is in danger of total collapse?

Janet: Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.

Michael: Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be; What's causing the problem?

Janet: Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.

Michael: That glitch appears to be limited to this building. So Vicky won't know.

Janet: That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janet: Janets can't lie.

Michael: You lied to Vicky earlier.

Janet: Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again... I love your outfit.

Michael: [reading manual] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear. Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."

Janet: I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!

Michael: Janet, uh, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?

Janet: Frozen yogurt.

Michael: Oh, yes! [laughs] Frozen yogurt. Oh, Janet, you're a genius.

Janet: Correct.

Janet: Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.

Michael: Get what?

Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

Chapter 21 – Derek [2.8]

Janet: We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's...

Derek: Derek!

Michael: So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

Chidi: It's frowned upon.

Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

Janet: Say "goodbye," Derek.

Derek: Ah, good-bob. I hope we same place again very now.

Janet: His brain is wrong.

Tahani: It combines both classic aspects of British sport: whimsy and restraint. Oh, so restrained. I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."

Jason: I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

Tahani: Didn't you get seasick?

Jason: No, sorry they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

Tahani: You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off.

Chidi: There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.

Michael: No, I got you, I got you. So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.

Chidi: No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink.

Tahani: Jason I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. I'm not a factory worker.

Janet: Goodbye, Derek.

Derek: Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

Eleanor: Does he seem a little bit uh still alive?

Janet: Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Eleanor: I've been keeping a secret from you. About you.

Chidi: What is it?

Eleanor: The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you. So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.

Chidi: Yeah, well, forget all that. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.

Eleanor: I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."

Chapter 22 – Leap to Faith [2.9]

Shawn: When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick".

Tahani: At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.

Jason: Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?

Tahani: The first bit.

Michael: Oh, Kierkegaard is so great. Have you read "Fear and Trembling"? Well, I don't know, have you read "Boring and Stupid"? Because that's what you are.

Tahani: No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

Jason: I vote we...

Tahani: No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

Jason: I was gonna agree with you.

Tahani: Oh, great, well, that's two votes for my plan.

Jason: I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.

Eleanor: What cops? Where do you think we are?

Michael: Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!

Jason: No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.

Tahani: That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

Shawn: Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't. You aided the humans just to spite Michael. You're not a demon. You're a jerk.

Tahani: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.

Chapter 23 – Best Self [2.10]

Tahani: You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.

Jason: My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?

Tahani: No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories...

Jason: She got fired after I...

Tahani: Please, no.

Jason: ...robbed the pet store where she worked.

Tahani: Please, please, Jason.

Jason: We actually robbed it together.

Tahani: No, no, no.

Jason: Long story short, it was all a dream.

Tahani: Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.

Jason: And to Janet, the best robot...

Janet: Not a robot.

Jason: Girl...

Janet: Not a girl.

Jason: And straight up hottie...

Janet: I am attractive, yes.

Jason: Any of us could have ever asked for.

Janet: Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...

Eleanor: Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.

Michael: All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Michael: As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.

Eleanor: That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.

Michael: The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.

Eleanor: Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.

Michael: In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?

Eleanor: You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.

Michael: I just made an aphorism.

Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes. All the time. It's just the constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of oorrr things that I want or want to want, or want to want to wa...

Eleanor: You're grindin' in there right now, bud.

Chapter 24 – Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent [2.11]

Michael: See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.

Jason: Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.

Michael: Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.

Jason: Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Tahani: What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have. Can I have it?

Jason: I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.

Michael: There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...

Tahani: Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?

Michael: Yes. "Throats".

Michael: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.

Jason: Is there a gift shop?

Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Shawn: Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.

Eleanor: Damn, you're good at this.

Tahani: Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Shawn: I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.

Eleanor: What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.

Chidi: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?

Eleanor: You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Robot Tahani: I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.

Tahani: I have, actually. It's remarkable.

Robot Tahani: It's remarkable!

Tahani: ...

Chapter 25 – The Burrito [2.12]

Eleanor: Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi: Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Jason: I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Tahani: Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

Chidi: Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?

Judge Gen: Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

Judge Gen: I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.

Tahani: Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.

Judge Gen: I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

Tahani: We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.

Judge Gen: Say "aluminum".

Tahani: Aluminium.

Judge Gen: I love that!

Michael: Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

Judge Gen: Tahani it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring - "Gen". It's just short for "hydrogen", which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho.

Tahani: Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.

Judge Gen: How's it going in here?

Jason: I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!

Judge Gen: Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.

Tahani: The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you. Never going to earn your respect. You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening, and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Chapter 26 – Somewhere Else [2.13]

Michael: If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans the very method we use to deem them good or bad is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.

Judge Gen: Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all. Look, I got goosebumps. Doesn't happen very often.

Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Co-worker: Hey Eleanor! Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower!?

Eleanor: Do you want to chew on my ass...sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?

Co-worker: S-sure...

Eleanor: I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.

Brittany: Ew! Why?

Madison: Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?

Eleanor: Yeah. That's exactly why.

Michael: You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.

Eleanor: Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.

Michael: She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.

Eleanor: I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?

Michael: The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?

Eleanor: What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?

Michael: Drinks are on me. Good luck.

Season 3

Chapters 27 & 28 – Everything Is Bonzer! [3.1]

Chapter 29 – The Brainy Bunch [3.2]

Chapter 30 – The Snowplow [3.3]

Chapter 31 – Jeremy Bearimy [3.4]

[Michael has just shown on a board how the timeline in the Afterlife looks like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in English Cursive. Chidi approaches the board.]

Chidi: Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT?

Michael: Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July.

Janet: And sometimes it's never.

Michael: That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it.

[Chidi has very clearly gone insane.]

Chidi: ...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.

Eleanor: You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS.

Michael: NO, no ah, please, Eleanor-

Eleanor: No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell.

[Eleanor makes to leave, but turns around with a gasp of realization.]

Eleanor: You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL.

Jason: Not if I see you first!

Drug Dealer: Hey. You wanna talk to God?

Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead and we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?!" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.

Drug Dealer: I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird!

[Chidi, after his breakdown, is in his university classroom cooking a... very special style of chili.]

Chidi: You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad...

[Chidi clears his throat.]

Chidi: Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

Male Student: Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?

Chidi: All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples?

[Chidi begins a moral ethics lesson more along the lines of his usual behavior.]

Chidi: Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.

[The scene fades to Tahani and Jason speaking to a representative of an opera house.]

Tahani: The gift will be anonymous.

[Back to Chidi's classroom.]

Chidi: Next, there's Consequentialism; the basis for judgement about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action; how much utility or good did it accomplish versus how much pain or bad.

[The scene cuts to Tahani and Jason giving random passerbys in the streets large stacks of money. After this, cut back to Chidi's classroom.]

Chidi: And finally, there's Deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that EVERYONE must adhere to in a functioning society.

[As Chidi continues, the scene cuts to an earlier scene of Eleanor struggling with the idea of pocketing the cash of a wallet she found on the floor of a bar, ultimately making the effort to seek out and return the wallet to its rightful owner. After this, cut back to Chidi's classroom.]

Chidi: Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies: all THREE of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The TRUE meaning of life -- the ACTUAL ethical system that you should all follow -- is NIHILISM. The world... is EMPTY. There is NO POINT... to ANYTHING and you're JUST GONNA DIE. So DO WHATEVER! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and YOU ALL... can jump. Up. Your own. BUTTS.

Female Student: Is that gonna be on the test?

Chidi: Yes. And no. And you all get A's. or F's. And there is no test. And you all failed it. And you all got A's. Who cares? Goodbye. GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

[Chidi's philosophy students disperse after he has alienated every single one of them, but as the students leave, Eleanor is revealed to have been in attendance.]

Eleanor: Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feelin' all right?

Chidi: I feel fine! I DO have a stomachache. Why do I ALWAYS have a stomachache?

Eleanor: Well, you just ate fifty pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak. But I have a plan. Come with me.

[Eleanor makes to leave. Chidi approaches his pot full of chili monstrosity.]

Eleanor: NAH-AH-AH. Leave that chili, weirdo.

Chapter 32 – The Ballad of Donkey Doug [3.5]

Chapter 33 – A Fractured Inheritance [3.6]

Chapter 34 – The Worst Possible Use of Free Will [3.7]

Chapter 35 – Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By [3.8]

Chidi: Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink. I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary... I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf. ... Don't even know what I was trying to say.

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9]

Janet 1: Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet?

Janet 2: You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi]

Janet 3: [In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me!

Michael: This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart?

Janet 4: [Points to own breasts in excitement]

Michael: [Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.

Chidi-Janet: This is nuts. We're in a void inside a white lady...

Eleanor-Janet: Not a lady.

Tahani-Janet: Not a lady, darling.

Jason-Janet: Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel! I found it on Etsy. There was no room to park! Did you refill the Brita!?

Tahani-Janet: I find this void quite calming actually. It's like this time the Xanax took me.

Janet: [Appears] I told you not to conjure anything!

Chidi-Janet: Sorry, I just needed a board to explain...

Janet: Not you, him. [pans to Jason-Janet and Pillboi in a damaged hot tub] Jason! What is wrong with you?

Jason-Janet: Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure anything. I was just thinking about the good times I had with Pillboi chilling and hanging out in his broken hot tub. And then, he showed up.

Pillboi: Yeah, I was just chilling being nothing, and then I was.

Janet: Goodbye, Pillboi.

Pillboi: [Jason-Janet is forced to leave as Pillboi and the hot tub disintegrates and fades away]] Aw, dip. I'm not again.......!!

Neil: Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding: negative 1,200 points. [More details appear on screen] Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding: negative 4,300. [More details appear on screen] The theme's Lord of the Rings - they're basically doomed.

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this… [more details appear on screen] oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.

Matty: I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.

Neil: Request denied. [To Michael] I love Matty. He's hilarious.

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11]

Eleanor: Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!

Tahani: Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.

Jason: Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

Chidi: What?

Eleanor: Don't.

Michael: No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.

[Chidi and Eleanor do so.]

Eleanor: Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Michael: When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.

Chidi: Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?

Janet: Those two things have very similar smells.

Chidi: Hey, there, Smashy, before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?

Eleanor: I can't take this anymore, man! All the running and the hiding and the fighting and this whole insane journey and now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like FOUR Oreos! We're FOUR OREOS FROM HEAVEN!!

Chidi: I know, I know, I know, it's an insane situation.

[Chidi brings Eleanor to a couch where they both have a seat.]

Chidi: But! I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath.

[Both Eleanor and Chidi breathe in deep, then exhale.]

Eleanor: Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.

Chidi: ...How? Why?

Tahani: I'm so sorry, darling. This is all my fault. I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.

Janet: You saw that, too?

Tahani: No.

[Janet groans in frustration.]

Janet: Jason knows that I love him, it STINKS to hear how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin and if I don't remain NEUTRAL in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying. All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing! What if they come out my butt?

[Tahani enters in on Michael after the latter's failed appeal to the Good Place Committee.]

Tahani: Michael? How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?

Michael: The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg. How much more evidence do they need? The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system. There's no other explanation.

Tahani: Can I ask you an unrelated question?

Michael: Absolutely not! The fate of all humanity is at stake and time is running out!

[Tahani stares down Michael until he eventually relents.]

Michael: Go ahead.

Tahani: I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings but everything I do makes it worse. You know them better than anyone else. How do I just make them happy?

Michael: How do you make Jason happy? You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.

Tahani: You'd think it'd be that simple. But EVERY TIME I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions! It feels like a game you can't win!

[Michael lights up with sudden realization.]

Michael: ...That's it...there IS another explanation: unintended consequences! Oh, Tahani...you did it.

Tahani: Well, of course I did, darling...did what?

Michael: All along, I've only been looking at ONE Doug. But there's...[flips through the pages]...MILLIONS of Dougs in here.

[Michael stops on a random page and brings up the profile one one Douglass Wynegarr.]

Michael: In 1534, Douglass Wynegarr of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy, boom, 145 points. Now...

[Michael swipes away Douglass Wynegarr's profile and peruses through the book again.]

Micheal: Yeah, here we go...

[Michael pulls up the profile of Douglass Ewing.]

Michael: In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses. But HE LOST four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals! WHOO!!

Tahani: That is a VERY odd thing to cheer.

Michael: Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't HAVE to. Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated and being a good person...gets a little harder. Gather the others, we have a lot to do.

[Michael makes for the door.]

Tahani: But we didn't really deal with my thi-

[Michael leaves.]

Tahani: Okay. I'll just...figure it out...

Gwendolyn: I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge.

Michael: Don't bother. I already did.

[A doorway shows up in the office. The Doorman walks through.]

The Doorman: Hey, Frogman. The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP.

[The Doorman looks around.]

The Doorman: So, this is the Good Place, huh? Hmm.

[The Doorman sniffs.]

The Doorman: Smells like frogs. Cool. Let's go.

Chapter 38 - Chidi Sees The Time-Knife [3.12]

[Michael opens a doorway to the IHOP (Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes) where they will meet up with Judge Gen.]

Michael: Now...watch your step.

Chidi: Hey, so...yeah, so...I don't wanna go in there.

Michael: I get that.

[Michael pulls Chidi to his side.]

Michael: Here's your options. Option Number One...

[Michael pushes Chidi into the IHOP as Chidi screams.]

Eleanor: Cruel...but necessary.

[Chidi has just fallen through a hole across the multiverse in the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes]

Chidi: I…I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming…a single blade.

Michael: Yeah, yeah. The Time-Knife. We've all seen it.

Eleanor: There's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! And it's delicious!

Judge Gen: It is! It is so good!

Chidi: This house was built to torture you. Why did you have Michael recreate it exactly?

Eleanor: Well, in the memories I watched, this is where we fell in love, so I figured: why mess with success? I mean, BLUEGH, what am I saying, this house is stupid and you're lame and I hate you.

Chidi: I love you, too.

Chapter 39 - Pandemonium [3.13]

[Tahani bursts in on Eleanor and Michael in their office.]

Tahani: Eleanor? Michael? It is I, Tahani.

Eleanor: Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong?

Tahani: I know John. Rather, he knows me. He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth. He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy, and prone to fits of MELODRAMA!

Eleanor: ...What are you saying?

Tahani: Don't you see? The Bad Place DIDN'T pick the worst people! They picked the people who would be the worst for US!

[A tube appears with a file about the new arrival into the fake Good Place.]

Michael: Of course! How did I not anticipate this? Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers. He chose your tormentors or arch-rivals-

[Eleanor reads the file for the new arrival.]

Eleanor: Or exes.

[Eleanor, Tahani, and Michael exit to the lobby to see the new arrival: Simone, Chidi's ex-girlfriend.]

Eleanor: Those motherforkers.

Eleanor: So. The plan is to erase Chidi's memory all the way back to when the air conditioner fell on his head in his original timeline.

Michael: The Judge has given us to tomorrow morning until we have to bring in the other two subjects. Tahani. The welcome party will be tomorrow night.

Chidi: And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident. I...won't know any of you.

Jason: So, will you remember that time in Australia when we stayed up late and ate pizza together?

Chidi: No, buddy, I won't.

Jason: Will you remember when we...ordered the pizza?

Chidi: No.

Jason: Will you...remember...pizza?

Chidi: Will I remember what pizza...is?

[Jason nods in affirmation.]

Chidi: Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

Jason: Okay, so not a total loss.

Eleanor: I don't normally cry at movies…but that one was pretty good. [sniffs] That girl was hot. The guy was, too.

Chidi: I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Eleanor: Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.

Chidi: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

Eleanor: It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack.

Chidi: But I believe in you. [sniffs] I’m not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me.

Eleanor: I wish we had more time together.

Chidi: Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the I forever.

Season 4

Chapter 40 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 1) [4.01]

[Eleanor guides the newly rebooted Chidi into his living quarters.]

Eleanor: Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and-

Chidi: Reading lights! I LOVE reading lights! They are GREAT for reading.

Eleanor: And OH! Check this out. Um...hold out your hand...

[Chidi does so.]

Eleanor: ...and think about a book.

[Chidi does so. A book flies off one of the bookshelves into Chidi's hand much to his delight.]

Chidi: I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer; this is LITERALLY my number one dream! Also: Ow! That hurt.

[Brent awakens in the fake Good Place.]

Eleanor: Brent? Come on in.

[Scene cuts to Eleanor and Michael's office.]

Eleanor: So you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.

Brent: Really? Well, that blows. Ah, yanno what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days. Everything's so PC. And I was an equal opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about EVERYBODY. And, by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My DENTIST was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up. So where am I, exactly?

Michael: ...The Good Place.

Brent: Oh, cool. Good.

[Simone, convinced her brain cooked up her time in the fake Good Place as a hallucination in its dying moments, attends Tahani's welcome party in a ridiculous outfit including Green Bay Packers-style Cheese Hat, foam fingers, and golden MC Hammer pants.]

Simone: Eleanor! Look what my brain did! It's not real, and neither are you. [Sing-song] I'm in a coooomaaaa~ and none of this is real.

[After Simone is out of earshot, Eleanor turns to Michael.]

Eleanor: Okay, I know this is bad and we need a new approach, BUT. She is wearing the HELL outta those foam fingers.

[Michael and Eleanor approach Linda, one of the four test subjects and the most boring of the lot, on Flying Day.]

Michael: Linda? How are you enjoying the Good Place?

Linda: It's good.

Michael: Everyone's flying. You don't wanna go flying...any higher?

[Linda is hovering two feet off the ground.]

Linda: No thanks.

Michael: Well, okay. It says in your file that you liked knitting. Would you like to do some knitting right now?

Linda: No thanks.

Michael: Is there another activity you'd like to do now? You also enjoyed...listening to birds? Man, Linda. You don't even look at them?

Eleanor: Let's go hear some birds, whaddya say?

Linda: I'm gonna get another peppermint.

Michael: No-

Eleanor: Come on, Linds. You can have literally ANYTHING you could po-

[Linda suddenly punches Eleanor square in the face.]

Michael: ...WHAT THE-

[Linda punches out Michael as well. Before long, she is beating everyone and everything, even soaring into the sky to attack the airborne residents]

Eleanor: Okay. So...maybe she's less boring than I thought.

[A resident splats against a wall behind them.]

Judge Gen: Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started "Deadwood" finally and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short: If you so much as BREATHE on this experiment again, I will restart the ENTIRE THING from scratch and then, I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

Chapter 41 - "A Girl from Arizona" (Part 2) [4.02]

Jason: Hey, hey, Mikey, can I-can I ask you something? I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so...here's my idea to make it up to her: me and a hundred Janet-Babies do a giant flash mob, just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?

Michael: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Jason: Mmm-hmm?

Michael: Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if I say your name five times, my headache goes away. Do you know why I forced you to act like a monk in the original neighborhood?

Jason: Does it have to do with the TV show "Monk"?

Michael: No. It's because you have no control over your own impulses. You think every problem can be solved with a Molotov cocktail or slashing somebody's tires or plunging Derek. So being a monk was torture for you. The only way for you to repair your relationship with Janet is to give her some space. Show her you can control your impulses.

Jason: So you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it.

[Michael has a proud, if not exasperated, expression on his face.]

Michael: Yeah.

Jason: Man...I wish someone had taught me this on Earth.

Michael: People tried. Mostly judges.

[The neighborhood is accosted by many elements of Brent's deeds similar to Eleanor back in Season 1.]

Brent: Michael! Eleanor!

Eleanor: Brent, I'm so sorry, we don't know why all this is happening.

Brent: Well, I do. This chaos is clearly all about me. This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.

Michael: Brent, what do you mean?

Brent: I don't belong in the Good Place. I mean, obviously there's a place better than this. I belong THERE. In the Best Place.

[Eleanor and Michael trade dumbfounded looks.]

Michael: Walk me through this, Brent, I'm not sure we follow.

Brent: Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. I mean, this can't be all the afterlife has to offer. Not to the cream of the crop. I mean, if this is Heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo? And where is Mexican William? And what about Squirt Man?

Eleanor: He makes a good point. You know, what ABOUT Squirt Man?

Brent: Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight. I mean, she hasn't worn ANY of my gifts.

Michael: Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes that you...give BACK to her?

Eleanor: Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud.

Brent: Look, this chaos which is clearly all about me is a sign. If this is the Good Place, I belong in the Best Place. So, figure it out. [slaps Michael's shoulder.] Get back to me, okay?

[Brent departs.]

Eleanor: I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head, I'll meet up with you later.

[Eleanor has just walked in on the group talking behind her back about how she's not fit to lead the experiment.]

Jason: Oh, hey, Eleanor, we were just talking about maybe you shouldn't be team leader. [whispers to Tahani] Saved it.

Eleanor: Go 'head, guys. Speak your mind.

Janet: It isn't personal, Eleanor. When we started this experiment, I calculated a 9% chance of success. After your first three days on the job, it's down to 7.1%. So purely from a mathematical standpoint, you ARE kinda pooching it.

Eleanor: Very helpful feedback.

[Janet gives a thumbs up.]

Eleanor: And if I could give you some feedback...uhhh, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ashfaces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box!

Michael: Which curses were those?

Eleanor: I didn't ask for this! I'm only doing it because Michael, who is SUPPOSED to be in charge, had a nervous breakdown the second it started! BUT! Maybe you CAN do it better than me. TAHANI can be in charge since she's so smart. Or better yet: JASON! Maybe ALL OF HUMANITY can be saved with one good, old-fashioned Jacksonville carnival!

Jason: I mean, we could try. All I need is a bouncy house, some ninja stars and a bunch of ambulances.

Eleanor: Welp! Good luck, forkfaces. I quit. Shellstrop out.

[Eleanor storms out.]

[Janet pops in before Jason.]

Janet: Hi, Jason.

Jason: Janet! I'm so happy to see you. I got you a box of chocolates, but then I remembered you can't eat, so I ate them! And I thought it would be a nice present to describe them to you. So...the first one was gross-

Janet: Jason, um, please just let me talk. You know that I've been overwhelmed with work since the neighborhood started.

Jason: Yep!

Janet: And I asked you to give me some space.

[Jason takes a step back.]

Jason: Yep!

Janet: I'm so sorry to say this... [Janet and Jason take a seat.] ...but I CAN'T be in a relationship with you right now. Being with you is fun, but it's not always easy and I'm afraid it would endanger the experiment.

Jason: It won't, though.

Janet: Jason, it already has. So, why don't we just take a break until it's all finished.

[Janet rises to her feet.]

Janet: Also, I hate to pile on, but I think you have a right to know: The Jacksonville Jaguars cut Blake Bortles. He's not on the team anymore. I am genuinely sorry.

[Janet vanishes.]

[Chidi meets Simone in a frozen yogurt shop.]

Chidi: Hi, Simone. Uh, Chidi. From the other night?

Simone: Ohh! Wow! My brain must really like keeping you around. Have a fake seat and grab a yogurt that doesn't exist!

Chidi: Right, um...so, if-if I understand your state of mind, it's basically Solipsism. You think you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.

Simone: Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.

Chidi: No offense, but Solipsism, as a philosophy, is pretty juvenile, ESPECIALLY for a person with multiple advanced degrees. And it's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However...

[Chidi jams his finger into Simone's frozen yogurt.]

Simone: [scoffs] Dude...

Chidi: What? I mean, if none of this is real, then it really shouldn't matter, right? In fact...

[Chidi puts a dab of frozen yogurt on Simone's nose.]

Simone: [scoffs] Dude!

Chidi: Whaaaaaat? IT'S NOT REAL. NONE OF THIS MATTERS. Leave that on your nose for the rest of time.

Simone: Fine. Point sort of taken.

Chidi: You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like...knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just...generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?

Simone: Okay. Keep talking, Probably-Fake-But-MAYBE-REAL-Philosopher Man.

Chapter 42 - Chillaxing [4.03]

Michael: Never seen Chidi like that. He was chillaxing. Which is a word I just invented combining "Chidi" and "relaxing".

Eleanor: Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy. Must be nice, Chidi.

Michael: That's what's missing. Chidi isn't being tortured. As far as he's concerned, he did everything right on Earth, so now he just gets to enjoy himself. If we don't force Chidi into stressful decision-making, he won't even have a chance to become a better person!

Eleanor: Right! You wanna make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam!

Michael: Oyster. We need Chidi to live in a world of low-grade dread.

Eleanor: I've got this. I have a TON of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up: we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food.

[Michael stares.]

Eleanor: Judge me all you want. I get results.

Jason: Dude! Thanks to you, my dream came true! I have a shiny new budhole! You okay, homey?

Chidi: NO! I've had a stomachache for a week, there have been WAY too many close calls! Please, I beg you: no more meatball subs. No more drawing boobs in the dirt. I cannot lie to cover for you, PLEASE REMEMBER you're supposed to be a MONK.

[Knock on the door. It's Eleanor and Michael.]

Chidi: 'AAAAAAAAAY Eleanor and Michael are here, what a fun surprise!

Michael: You've done some redecorating!

Chidi: Uh, YES, my apartment was decorated in one way and now it has been...RE-decorated.

Eleanor: And how is Jianyu?

Chidi: I mean, you know how monks are. Calm. Peaceful. Never, you know...shotgunning Cheez Whiz. What monk would do that NO MONK. Anyway...I see you guys are still here!

Michael: We're just dropping by to ask a favor. Can you accompany Jianyu to the luau tonight? He still isn't really engaging with the neighborhood, we were hoping you could help him break out of his shell.

Chidi: ...Actually, I don't think I can make it.

Eleanor: Oh! Why not?

[Chidi smiles.]

Chidi: I just remembered...I CAN make it, so I will see you there. 'Kay. Bye!

[Michael and Eleanor fistbump.]

Michael: So...Chidi's set with Jason now. How are you doing?

Eleanor: A little better. But still terrible.

Michael: You were torturing him because that's what we had to do.

Eleanor: I know. I went too far. And what's worse: I LIKED it....because I'm angry at him...for leaving me...which isn't even REMOTELY fair because he sacrificed himself for us, but I'm still angry he abandoned me. Which makes me feel guilty which makes me angry WHICH MAKES ME wanna talk to Chidi because he's the person I go to when I'm angry. So...it's a real fun cycle.

Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad, angry when you should be happy and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but...it's-it's insane. The point is: in THIS case, even if it's not rational, you're ALLOWED to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it, work your way thorugh it, and then get your shirt together because we have a lot of work to do.

Chapter 43 - Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy [4.04]

[The group head to the train station after receiving a notification that an unknown train was arriving. They discover a hooded individual riding a handcar.]

Michael: Whoever you are, show yourself.

[The hooded individual steps off the handcar before the group and takes off his hood...or tries to.]

Hooded Individual: Oh....hold on, the hood is caught in my glasses.

[It is Glenn, a demon from the Bad Place.]

Glenn: Hi. I'm Glenn from the Bad Place.

Michael: What are you doing here?

Eleanor: Yeah, what do you want, creep?

Glenn: No one knows I'm here, and I have some important information. Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone.

Eleanor: Whatever you need to say to me, you can say right here.

Glenn: I don't think I should. It would lead to a very uncomfortable social situation.

Eleanor: SAY IT.

Glenn: ...That's not Michael. That's Vicky the demon in a Michael suit and she's sabotaging your experiment.

[Everyone looks concerning at Michael, who is just as confused.]

Glenn: You see? It's-it's uncomfortable.

[The group guide Michael to one of Mindy's bedrooms.]

Eleanor: Get in there.

[Eleanor is distracted by random objects on a wire cube storage organizer.]

Eleanor: What IS all this stuff? Are these weapons?

[Eleanor picks up a 'weapon'. Derek immediately blips in.]

Derek: Oooh, don't touch those, ha ha! Those are my special magnet handcuffs. They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-Downstairs Derek.

Eleanor: Oooh, they're sex toys!

[The realization sets in.]

Eleanor: OH THEY'RE SEX TOYS

Jason: Dude, get out of here, we have enough problems.

[Derek sighs.]

Derek: My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet. Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy.

[Eleanor continues to investigate the sex toys, this time holding up some manner of wind chime.]

Derek: Ho-HO, I know THAT sound. Looks like someone found my sex diaper.

[Eleanor stares at the sex diaper in horror.]

Derek: I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe life!

[Derek blips out as Eleanor tosses the sex diaper in disgust to Jason, who in turn tosses it past Michael onto Mindy's bed.]

[Eleanor returns to Mindy's home with an nacho plate she was eating with Chidi.]

Eleanor: Okay, here's where I'm at: I just don't know if I can ever trust you. I'm gonna call the Judge, we'll start over. We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.

Tahani: But we know the humans now. Starting over sounds exhausting!

Eleanor: I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder. We have to start over.

Michael: I have a better idea: I'm gonna blow myself up.

Eleanor and Tahani: WHAT?

Michael: I'll blow myself up. That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.

Eleanor: Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something?

Michael: But then you might worry that I'd escape. I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good. Well...parts of me will be in your ACTUAL hair, but you get it.

Tahani: Michael? Wait.

Michael: Tahani, this is the only way. There's literally nothing I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.

[Michael prepares himself.]

Michael: Oh boy...this is gonna suck. Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months. Good luck. Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back, uh...way shorter and that would bum me out.

[Michael turns on Janet's faulty lie detector machine which blew up Glenn earlier.]

Michael: I wish I were saying this in different circumstances, but...take it sleazy.

Jason: Michael, wait!

[Jason uses Derek's magnet handcuffs on Janet, revealing her to be a Bad Janet in disguise.]

Bad Janet: Oh, crud-nuts!

Chapter 44 - Employee of the Bearimy [4.05]

[Jason and Michael are taking Glenn's handcar to the Bad Place along with Glenn, reduced to a puddle of goo by Bad Janet's demon exploder device.]

Jason: Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet. Is there it yet?

Michael: I do have a plan, yes. But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.

Jason: Maybe Glenn could help. Yo, Glenn, how should we rescue Janet?

[The Glenn gloop bubbles]

Jason: He doesn't know.

Michael: Listen, Jason, old friend, I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back. I haven't restored yours...f-for obvious reasons. But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through. Now prepare yourself. This might be intense.

[Michael waves his hand. A wind blows]

Jason: Oooooooooooooooooh DIIIIIIIIIIIIP-

Michael: Do you remember everything?

Jason: YES. Last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail! That was sick.

Michael: I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway. Buddy, I did that to help you know what NOT to do. Impulse control is critical. Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam. Got it?

Jason: I mean...that's very lame...but yeah. I understand.

[They proceed onto the Bad Place.]

Jason: Wait, can I have all my memories back again? I forgot most of them.

[Demons in the Bad Place file into a presentation room during DemonCon. Shawn is on stage at a podium.]

Shawn: All right, idiots. This is Hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.

[Michael and Jason peek in from outside.]

Jason: He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?

Michael: Shh.

Jason: Here's what I think: we should throw a Molotov-

Michael: Jason!

Jason: What? I didn't say "cocktail"! I could have meant "Molotov anything", you don't know.

[Eleanor looks out the window of Chidi's apartment to see all the Janet-Baby residents all unconscious after Derek reboots himself.]

Eleanor: Dude, what were you thinking?

Tahani: I just wanted to be useful! All I ever get to do here is throw parties, which is all I ever got to do back on Earth and now I've ruined everything.

Eleanor: No. You gave us a way out.

Tahani: So I FIXED everything!

Eleanor: No, you made things difficult in a new way, but I can make it work.

Tahani: Well, the important thing is: I did something.

Eleanor: Be quiet and follow my lead.

Tahani: Yes, ma'am.

[Jason and Michael have successfully rescued Janet and are riding the handcart back to the neighborhood. Janet collapses the entrance to the Bad Place.]

Janet: That oughta stop them from following us.

Michael: So smart. Nice to have you back, Janet.

Janet: It must have been hard for you...to go back there.

Michael: It was. I don't like thinking about who I used to be.

Jason: Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you're not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.

Michael: Huh. Heh.

Janet: Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much.

Jason: I missed you, too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. She told me so many lies, like, she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that?

Janet: Oh no...Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles WAS cut by the Jaguars.

Jason: WHAT? How, WHY!? Wh...who's their QB now?

Janet: A man named Nick Foles.

Jason: NICK FOLES? Are you KIDDING ME!?

[Janet cringes.]

Jason: He won a SUPER BOWL! We're gonna be UNSTOPPABLE! FOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Janet: Fooooooooooooles!

Michael: Fooooooooooooles!

Janet: Oh no...Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.

Jason: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Chapter 45 - A Chip Driver Mystery [4.06]

[Michael is in Janet's void inside a special cell for Bad Janet. He is holding a book.]

Bad Janet: Is that your story? Looks boring.

Michael: This book is a PART of the story. You'll see.

[Bad Janet groans.]

Michael: It all started...about a week ago. We had sent the four humans on a ski trip-

Bad Janet: And they all skied off a cliff and they broke all their bones and their pants fell down and you could see their butts. The end.

Michael: Actually...it went better than we could have possibly hoped.

Eleanor: And now...[drumroll]

Michael: Oh-ho-ho!

Eleanor: ...the moment you've all been waiting for. The Humanity Savior of the Week goes to...Jason!

Tahani: Aww.

Jason: Yes!

Eleanor: Keep up the amazing work with Chidi. AND! The award for Hottest Savior of the Week goes to...

[Tahani prepares herself.]

Eleanor: Eleanor Shellstrop! [pulls out a photo of herself.]

[Tahani politely claps as Jason whoops.]

Eleanor: Thank you, I accept.

Michael: I never win Hottest...

[Eleanor is posting her photo on the wall dedicated to Hottest Savior of the Week which is peppered with photos of herself, slightly less photos of Janet and a few photos of Jason and Tahani sprinkled in between. Indeed, no Michael.]

Eleanor: I don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe do some squats? Pop that booty a little bit?

Michael (Narrating): It was a real high point.

[Cut to Michael in Bad Janet's cell.]

Michael: The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then Brent did something...very Brentian.

Bad Janet: [Sarcastically] Who could have predicted that?

Jason: What's wrong, homie?

Chidi: Brent wrote this book and clearly, he put some of us in it. There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who "wears glasses and sweater vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool". I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?

Jason: If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy. Almost everything I did on Earth, I did without thinking or worrying about what would happen. That's how I got my nickname: The Defendant.

Chidi: Not the best argument, but you're-you're right. What is something spontaneous that I can do right now? Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days.

Jason: Better idea: let's dance, baby!

Chidi: Hmm?

[Jason grabs a remote and turns on intense techno music.]

Jason: Get you out of your head! This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd!

[They both dance.]

Chidi: ...Yeah. Look at ol' Igby MOVE!

Jason: There you go!

Chidi: Yeah, I've never heard this before, who is it?

Jason: Me! I wrote it. The song is called, "I'll Love You Forever," parentheses, "(Make that Bootie Bounce in the Bath)". Oh, fun fact: the police sirens in the background are real. I was being chased as I recorded it.

Chidi: Okay...okay! OHO NO.

[John has seen the whole thing from the doorway.]

John: OH. MY. GAGA.

Michael: For months, you and I have been debating: Are people good or bad? But as I watched those three people pick themselves up and dust themselves off, I realized we've been asking the wrong question. What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s your answer.

Chapter 46 - Help Is Other People [4.07]

[Eleanor speaks to the viewer as she walks through the neighborhood.]

Eleanor: As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most? The everlasting friendships you made? The adversity you overcame together? The day everything was chocolate?

[Cut to everyone in Mindy's house watching this presentation.]

Jason: That day was awesome! I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It was all chocolate!

Michael: Shh shh shh...

Eleanor (in video): You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight, just in case?

[Michael shuts the video off.]

Eleanor: I know, I know, all right? I'll take it out. I'm a little tired, okay? Lay off.

[5:32:11 until end of experiment.]

Eleanor: So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did. Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?

Janet: There IS a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl.

[Janet blips out, then immediately blips back in, burnt and smoldering in several places while maintaining her typical Janet cheer.]

Janet: It did not work. I'll be right back.

[Janet blips out as Eleanor groans.]

[Simone is in front of a conspiracy board at Chidi's place detailing her findings to Chidi, Brent, John, Tahani and Jason (Jianyu).]

Simone: I've been suspicious about this place since day one. Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.

Chidi: You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

John: Okay, you call her muffin? I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.

Simone: I was gathering evidence. I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.

Chidi: Oh, so romantic.

Simone: Here's what I know: Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us. I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow, they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.

John: Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to? "Dumb Shorts" Cathy?

[Brent laughs]

Chidi: What is your problem with her?

John: I mean, shorts? "Cathy"?

[Brent laughs again off-screen]

John: What ISN'T my problem with her?

Simone: ...Jianyu? Are you okay, you look sweaty.

Tahani: Oh no, he's fine. He always sweats when he's meditating. He calls it "sweat-itating".

[Simone stares.]

Tahani: No, I mean, um, he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

[Everyone stares.]

Tahani: ...I'm friends with Sting!

[Eleanor and Michael have pulled Brent and Chidi into their office after they fell into a sinkhole at the party.]

Eleanor: Guys, we are so sorry about your ordeal. We just have a few questions for you, uh, where are John and Simone? We can't find them.

Chidi: They...left. I don't know where they went.

Brent: Typical. Disloyal jerks.

Chidi: You know, man, actually...they REALLY tried with you and you made it very hard to be your friend.

Brent: You wanna know what happened? They got jealous because I'm going to the Best Place. They bugged out.

Chidi: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE BEST PLACE! Don't you get it? They're torturing you. They're torturing ALL OF US!

[Brent scoffs as Chidi stares down Eleanor and Michael.]

Chidi: Because this is the BAD Place.

[The camera zooms in on Eleanor and Michael, who after a beat break into maniacal cackling. As they do, Brent's expression sinks slowly as the realization kicks in.]

Eleanor: Awww, MAN! I can't believe you figured it out!

Brent: Wait...he's RIGHT? This is the BAD Place?

Eleanor: Yeeeah...dammit, he's right...

Michael: Yeah, we had a good run, though, didn't we?

Eleanor: Yeah, we did.

[Eleanor and Michael laugh again.]

Brent: So...no Best Place?

Eleanor: [mockingly] "OH SO NO BEST PLACE?"

Michael: Oh, Brent, you big white oaf. Never change, bud. [chuckles]

Eleanor: Well, I guess we should let them know you guys are on your way.

Michael: Yeah.

Brent: Wait...on our way WHERE?

Michael: The ACTUAL Bad Place, They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going...[squeaks while pointing downward, then leans toward Brent's ear] And trust me on this: It's a LOT WORSE.

Chapter 47 - The Funeral to End All Funerals [4.08]

[Janet and the humans walk through the neighborhood while Judge Gen renders her decision about the experiment.]

Tahani: Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of good-bye.

Eleanor: Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together. She might just snap her fingers and send us flying into different dimensions. How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?

Jason: Aw, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times. We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. It's getting annoying.

Janet: If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that-

Tahani: Uh, please stop. I don't want to hear it.

Jason: What about mine?

Janet: Your friends didn't say things about you so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.

Jason: Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.

Eleanor: In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, or they can put your body out on a shooting range and you get a $200 state tax credit.

Tahani: Hang on. THIS is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.

Jason: Awesome! And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, juuuust wait a minute!"

[Tahani's funeral commences.]

Eleanor: We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable: the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Jason: Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.

[Tahani raises her eyebrows.]

Eleanor: Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve. She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful"...and "You don't buy bras at Home Depot"...and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot, what the hell are you wearing?" For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.

[Tahani winces.]

Eleanor: She was the best friend I ever had and I loved her.

[Tahani sits up.]

Tahani: Oh, thank you so much, that was wonderful!

Jason: I wish Chidi was here. It sucks that he's too dead for these Heaven funerals.

[Eleanor lights up. Cut to the group grabbing him from Mindy's bathroom.]

Eleanor: Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt.

Jason: How'd he get so jacked?

Eleanor: When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety, he started doing pushups and basically never stopped.

[Jason's funeral commences.]

Tahani: Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life. He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.

[Jason smiles amusingly.]

Tahani: But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.

Janet: Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. I hadn't had any yet, but it made me want to go get some. I could see something special inside him that no one else could see: it was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.

[Jason is listening intently to the praise.]

Janet: That's my Jason: a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.

[Jason smiles again.]

Eleanor: Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy...

[Jason opens his eyes to look at Eleanor offended, then closes them again.]

Eleanor: ...so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.

Jason: Statham forever!

Eleanor: Indeed. Statham forever. Amen.

Tahani: Amen.

[Michael has Judge Gen pull up the numbers for Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, Patricia Katterttrune and Pillboi (Steven Peleaz) after the Soul Squad intervened in their lives.]

Michael: Look! RIGHT THERE. After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college. Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. Heh...yikes. Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don't?

Shawn: Need I remind you that Brent got worse with EVERY second of EVERY moment of EVERY DAY.

Judge Gen: Until right at the end...with ten seconds left, he swung WAY up.

Michael: This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story: NO ONE is beyond rehabilitation. Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that, but what that number CAN'T tell you...is who he could've become tomorrow.

Judge Gen: ...I'll have my ruling shortly.

[Eleanor's funeral commences.]

Tahani: I stand here before you, in sweatpants for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life: a bar in a house she was not invited to.

[Eleanor smiles to herself.]

Tahani: Eleanor was full of surprises. I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, and also vaguely problematic.

Eleanor: Well...

Tahani: But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out...I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.

[Tahani puts her hand on Eleanor's shoulder. Eleanor opens her eyes and takes Tahani's arm comfortingly.]

Jason: Eleanor, I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.

[Eleanor is startled in her coffin as Jason starts to vocalize and scat.]

Jason: That's when the foam cannons go pshh! Explode outward! And then back to the song.

[The nonsense continues until Eleanor takes Jason's hand.]

Eleanor: OKAY OKAY WE'RE GOOD. Thank you...

Judge Gen: Michael...you came to me and said the points system was flawed. A system...that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth. And I have come to the conclusion...that you're right.

Michael: ...I'm-

Judge Gen: You're right. Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are. You won.

Michael: [choking up]...Mmm-hmm...

[Michael turns to face the humans who are absolutely astonished at this turn of events.]

Michael: Well...that wasn't so hard, now was it?

[The Soul Squad celebrate.]

Jason: WE DID IT!

[Shawn sits in disappointment]

Judge Gen: The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.

[All celebration stops dead.]

Eleanor: ...buuuuhhh Earth is WHAT, now?

Judge Gen: All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. And you know what's so funny? In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting "Ally McBeal"...because I'm rebooting everything! Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!

[Judge Gen pounds her gavel. Eleanor stares at Michael horrified.]

Chapter 48 - The Answer [4.09]

[As Judge Gen roots through an army of Janets and their voids to find her humanity eraser device, Michael prepares to restore Chidi's memories so he can help come up with a plan to stop her.]

Eleanor: What are you waiting for? Do it!

Michael: It's not that easy. He lived a whole life, and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife, h-his psyche's like a giant bowl of M&M Peep Chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order. Maybe I just start him at the beginning, a full factory reset.

Eleanor: Man...Janet, can I please have a drink with a lot of alcohol in it?

Jason: Here, I saved this from my funeral. It's called a Duval Ditchwater. It's Midori, Coffee-Mate, and ditch water.

Janet: I'll get you a margarita.

Eleanor: Yeah, that sounds better.

Jason: It's not! Seriously, try this.

[As Chidi's memories return, he relives a day in school after convincing his parents not to divorce.]

Young Uzo: It WORKED?

Young Chidi: Perfectly. They're HAPPY again, Uzo. They're even talking about getting me a puppy! But more importantly, I proved once and for all that you can always find the answer.

Young Uzo: The answer to what?

Young Chidi: To anything! Every problem has an answer. If you just read enough books and think hard enough, you can figure out the answer to any question.

Young Uzo: I know you're really smart, but that sounds wrong.

Teacher: Children? Please take your seats.

Young Chidi: Here's a perfect example: where to sit? What's the answer? Obviously, we want to be back by the pencil sharpener, but in the front I can see the blackboard better...

[Young Uzo sighs and leaves.]

Young Chidi: …Or by the door to get a nice breeze.

Teacher: Chidi...

Young Chidi: Just hang on. Sorry....ooooooooh no...

[As Chidi's memories return, he relives presenting his large paper to Professor Stjepan Radja at university.]

Chidi: So? What do you think?

Radja: I think it's 3,600 pages. I have a JOB, Chidi. I have A FAMILY. Until I had to read this, I had a WILL TO LIVE. This work is an insane, tangled web of inscrutability.

Chidi: In the fun, "grad students will analyze this for centuries" way?

Radja: No, in the Unabomber way.

Chidi: Okay...well, um...I'll write my way out of the maze. I'll re-outline the middle chapters, do more research-

Radja: NO, Chidi. You can't answer every question every philosopher has ever asked, so...what in these pages do you care about?

Chidi: All of it. Equally.

Radja: Shut up.

Chidi: ...But-

Radja: Shut up, shut up.

Chidi: Should I-

Radja: Shut up! SHUT. UP.

[Chidi shuts up.]

Radja: The greatest works of modern philosophy are emotional. They make an argument about how the world is and OUGHT to be. There is a great mind at work in here, but where is the heart? Where are the GUTS?

Chidi: I understand. I do. So, I'm going to go home and...compose a short paper for you.

[Radja is relieved.]

Chidi: Arguing that I should continue working on this longer paper.

Radja: SHUT! UP!

[Radja throws Chidi and his paper out of his office.]

[As Chidi's memories return, he relives the final moment before his memories were wiped for the last time.]

Chidi: Janet?

[Janet blips in.]

Janet: Hi there.

Chidi: Hi. Uh, can I have, uh, a pen and some paper?

[Janet grants this.]

Chidi: [as he writes] I don't know if I'll see you again, or what I'll remember if I do, but...if we do cross paths again... [tears page out and gives to Janet] ...sometime, somewhere...can you get this back to me?

Janet: Of course.

[Janet kisses Chidi on the cheek and blips out.]

Chidi: I'm ready.

[After Chidi is restored...]

Chidi: Hey, uh, Janet? Can I have my note, please?

Janet: If you know that you wrote a note, then...you know what it says.

Chidi: I do, uh, but I-I'd still like to see it again. Please. I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done.

[Janet smiles and manifests Chidi's note. Chidi opens it up.]

THERE IS NO "ANSWER" But Eleanor is the Answer

Chapter 49 - You've Changed, Man [4.10]

[Janet and Judge Gen blip into a Neutral Janet's void to look for her humanity eraser device.]

Judge Gen: UGH. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like...the MOST nothing.

Janet: Judge, please, please don't cancel Earth.

Judge Gen: Why not? The system's broken, you guys proved it. I just want to reboot the whole thing and go back to my chambers. I am on Season Three of "Justified," and can I just tell you...it is...SO GOOD. I, like, binged all of Season Two in a day.

Janet: Think of all the amazing human achievement you'd be eliminating, UUUH, the works of William Shakespeare. The Pyramids. Timothy Olyphant.

[Judge Gen gasps.]

Judge Gen: OOH. That one stings. There's, like, 50 gallons of man in a 10-gallon hat. I'm like OoOoOoH!

[Judge Gen composes herself.]

Judge Gen: LOOK. I'm the freaking Judge and I made a freaking ruling and it's gonna freaking happen as soon as I find the freaking clicker thing.

[Judge Gen sits at an old computer in the void.]

Judge Gen: All right, what do I search for? Humanity eraser button garage door opener thingy judge.

[0 RESULTS FOUND]

Judge Gen: UUUUGHH!

[Judge Gen and Janet blip out of the void and back into the Judge's chambers in front of a Neutral Janet.]

Judge Gen: Well, it wasn't in you. Any last words?

Neutral Janet: These are my last words. End of words.

Judge Gen: Yes...really boring. Byeeeee!

[Judge Gen marbleizes Neutral Janet.]

Judge Gen: All right, who's next?

Bad Janet: Your dad's pimply butt, you fat dink.

Judge Gen: That is so interesting because last time I checked...I DIDN'T have a dad. That's why I'm attracted to all the father figures on the TV shows I watch, mm-kaymm?

[Judge Gen blips into the Bad Janet's void.]

[The Soul Squad pow-wows with Shawn about a compromise.]

Tahani: So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place Neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.

Shawn: I have to admit, this...DOES make sense...and I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell, I'm in.

Michael: Really?

Shawn: NO. [laughs] You ACTUALLY believed me?

Eleanor: DUDE, in 20 minutes, ALL of humanity is going to be erased forever.

Shawn: And?

Chidi: The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You will have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone LOSES.

Shawn: Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as YOU lose.

Michael: Shawn, listen to reason!

Shawn: WHY should I? None of this would've happened if you hadn't mucked around with your neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.

Jason: Shawn, you used to be cool, but you've changed, man.

Shawn: I'm gonna go write an evil speech for when this is all over. It is gonna be SO...long.

[The Soul Squad fail again to convince Shawn and the Good Place Committee has been, as usual, absolutely no help.]

Michal: FORK this! If we're gonna lose, let's lose on our own terms. Let's come up with a completely new idea that ACTUALLY makes the universe better.

Eleanor: Amen. At least then, we can hold our heads high. Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about ten minutes.

Michael: Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through. Multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives you led here...all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife...all happened so that we could be here, together...as the VERY BEST versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem...in the nick of time.

Eleanor: Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.

[Judge Gen wanders through Janet's void, coming across a door that says "Humanity Eliminator Clicker Thingy: Secret Hiding Place.]

Judge Gen: Idiots.

[Judge Gen enters the door and finds herself in front of the Soul Squad and a blackboard detailing their new plan for the afterlife.]

Judge Gen: AW NUTS. How did I fall for that!?

Chidi: Please have a seat, Your Honor.

Judge Gen: I already told you: I am NOT interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.

Janet: Okay. Here he is.

[Janet manifests Timothy Olyphant to everyone's surprise.]

Timothy Olyphant: Ma'am.

Judge Gen: You MADE me an OLYPHANT? [celebrates.]

Timothy Olyphant: I think you should hear them out, Judge. Only seems fair.

Judge Gen: [saunters up to Timothy Olyphant.] Yeah, you're probably right. Well played, Janet. I don't mind taking in the view when the scenery is so pretty.

Chapter 50 - Mondays, Am I Right? [4.11]

Chidi: So, these computers have access to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place, and the three of us have a very important job.

Eleanor: To find out which former U.S. Presidents were secretly gay.

Chidi: NO.

Eleanor: Okay, fine, bi.

Chidi: Sure, but also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be...people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship...

Jason: I think we just start with the gimmes. The very best people who ever lived, so...Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff...a genie so we can wish for infinity people.

Chidi: Jason-

Jason: Sure, throw me in there, too, ALSO Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive! [sighs] Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone!

[Jason leaves as Eleanor buries her face in her hands.]

[Michael has a Bad Place representative (Megan) configuring a scenario for Tahani.]

Michael: Now, when I press this lever, Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed that will test her ethical decision-making. Obviously, in the real test, the humans won't know they're being tested, but this should be a good practice run. Everyone ready?

[Tahani loads into a fancy party.]

Server: Hors d'oeuvre?

Tahani: Why, yes. Thank you.

[Tahani turns around and faces a-]

Chainsaw Bear: CHAINSAW BEAR!

[Tahani screams as the simulation is turned off.]

Michael: Okay, so, couple of things...we're not using chainsaw bears anymore, remember?

Megan: Right...okay, yeah. What else?

Michael: It was mainly that one thing. Why don't you try again? And remember: th-the challenges your test subject faces should smaller and-and more relatable.

[Megan makes adjustments.]

Michael: Okay...

[Tahani loads back in.]

Server: Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.

Tahani: Is it farm-raised salmon? Because I prefer to support sustainable fishing.

[Tahani is drawn to a throat clearing behind her.]

Chainsaw Bear: Mondays, am I right? CHAINSAW!!

[Michael cuts the simulation again as he and Tahani look at Megan.]

Megan: You said smaller and more relatable! The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays and love bacon! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

[Chidi confronts Jason.]

Chidi: Hey. Um...I'm sorry I said that before, man.

Jason: No...you were right. Janet and I ARE different. Maybe it can't last. Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.

Chidi: How do you know that?

Jason: I read SOME books, man, jeez!

Chidi: [sighs] All right, listen...maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.

Jason: Do you really believe that?

Chidi: Of course I do.

[Jason cackles.]

Jason: SUCKER!

Chidi: ...Sorry?

Jason: I got you SO BAD! Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor!

Chidi: ...Against all odds, I know what you mean and I-I got to give it up. That was...that was good.

Jason: Yeah, it was! Chess...MATE.

[Jason continues to laugh as Chidi allows him to have this moment.]

[1.28 Jeremy Bearimys later and the new system is in play, headed up by Vicky as she directs architects of both Good and Bad Places to their designated positions. As this happens, a bright chime plays overhead.]

Tahani: That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.

Eleanor: Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we got to start over.

Michael: No...it's YOU guys.

Jason: ...ffffor real?

Michael: The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that...saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in!

[The Soul Squad celebrates as Michael summons a golden hot air-balloon to take them to the Good Place...but they all stare at him, remembering what happened LAST time he did that.]

Michael: I know, I know, it's real this time. I promise. Get in.

Chidi: Are you coming, too?

Michael: Yeah, I figured I would. Recently unemployed, might as well do some traveling. Shall we?

[The Soul Squad load into the balloon. It takes off as the Architects below in the neighborhood wave farewell.]

Jason: FOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!

Chapter 51 - Patty [4.12]

[The Soul Squad head to the Good Place in a golden hot air balloon.]

Tahani: We're finally headed to the Good Place. It's the "me" of places!

[Michael and Jason eyeball Tahani.]

Tahani: I-I got in, I can say stuff like that again.

Jason: Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet?

Janet: Well, I've never been to the Good Place before, but yes, I'm sure.

Jason: How?

Janet: Because it feels like I'm on my way home.

[The group take a moment to take it all in.]

Jason: Flying puppy!

Flying Puppy: You're almost there! Just a little further!

Michael: Flying puppies? Dang it, Michael, why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood? These guys are GOOD.

[The Soul Squad, opposed to going through the ethereal portal to their personally tailored welcome parties solo, opt to walk in together. In doing so, a singular party is made with elements from everyone.]

Chidi: Weird...

Jason: Whoa! This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites Hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.

Eleanor: But this has to be MY party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998!

[Eleanor gasps while everyone stares.]

Eleanor: It was a classic moment, don't judge me!

Janet: I'm so sorry, guys. The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time. When you walked in as a group, it became-

Tahani: A mish-mash of all four of us.

[Elements include sexy mailmen, dance troupe members, philosophy books, ice swan sculptures, shrimp dispenser machines and cardboard standees of various WWE Attitude Era superstars.]

Eleanor: [sighs] It's PERFECT.

[The Good Place Committee are accepting Michael into the fold.]

Michael: I’m so honored by this gesture. This feels right. This will be my new purpose. Everything's falling into place.

Chuck: Great. Let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.

[Michael chuckles as the Good Place Committee adorn him with the robe.]

Drew: Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.

Daisuke: Just sign this scroll.

Michael: I've never signed my name before. What signature type to choose? Aah..."Doctor blob," or no, "Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid." Oh wait, no..."Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron."

[Michael signs.]

Michael: That way, I can put a little heart over the "I".

Chuck: Perfect, and here is your official medal.

Michael: Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like!

Chuck: And great, now you are officially in charge of the Good Place.

Michael: ...I'm sorry, "in charge"?

Chuck: Yep, you're the boss now, that was all legally binding and we all quit, effective immediately. That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now, don't try to find us, no take-backs, okay, bye-byeeeeee!

[The...FORMER Good Place Committee flee the scene.]

Chuck: Hurry up, move, move, go, go!

Chidi: Um, hi, are you, uh…are you-are you Hypatia Of Alexandria?

[Hypatia, wearing a Jacksonville Jaguars jersey with her name on the back, turns to face Chidi and Eleanor.]

Hypatia: Yup, how's it hangin'?

Chidi: [barely able to contain himself] IT'S HANGING REALLY WELL! Um, I-I gotta say, I was expecting you to be...still, you know...Ancient Greek.

Hypatia: Oh! Well, we sort of stay current in this place. What are the big things from Earth recently, um, the Industrial Revolution, the Manhattan Project, "Gangnam Style"...I feel like I get it.

Chidi: It's really her. I-I can just tell, somehow, it's HYPATIA OF ALEXANDRIAAAAAA

Eleanor: I KNOW, BABE, yes, it is. Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi. We're new in town. First question: How do you get the "of" in your name? Is it just, like, where you hung out the most? Like, am I "Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar"?

Chidi: Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh? Or in the Ancient Greek, "who-PUH-tee-uh?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.

Hypatia: You know what, just call me Patty.

Chidi: Okay, WELL...PATTY. I'm a HUGE fan. I had a poster of you on my wall in high school, actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from "The Matrix," but that's how I imagined you would look because YOU'RE SO COOL!

Eleanor: Oh, is she the reason you got beat up so much?

Chidi: She's ONE of 'em!

Patty: Wanna get a milkshake? I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense. Let's get a milkshake. Yeah. They make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust. It's pretty good.

Chidi: Okay! YEAH! Getting milkshakes with Patty!

Patty: Yeah!

Chidi: Um...but can I ask you a couple of questions first? Uh, you were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality-

Patty: Wait, wait, wait, wait...are you...what's it called, umm...a think-book-man? No, umm...a think-READ-book-man.

Chidi: A philosopher, yes!

Patty: Sorry! It's been SO long, my brain is foggy. Listen carefully before I forget how to say this: you gotta help us, we are SO SCREWED.

[Eleanor and Chidi stare dumbfounded...understandably so, considering.]

Chidi: ............we are?

[The Soul Squad have gathered all in attendance at the party.]

Eleanor: Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please? Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop. Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British library extravaganza.

[No response.]

Eleanor: I guess you don't really have fun ANYWHERE, which is...the point. It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you. You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.

Chidi: So we have an idea. We're gonna set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.

Tahani: You don't HAVE to go through it if you don't want to, but...you CAN...and hopefully, knowing that you don't HAVE to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.

Paltibaal: What will happen when we go through it?

Janet: Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.

Michael: You led great lives. You earned your place here. So stay here as long as you like. Use the Green Doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do. And when you're ready, walk through one last door...and be at peace. Does that sound good?

[The Good Place residents erupt into joyous applause.]

Eleanor: Seems like they're into it!

Chapter 52 & 53 - Whenever You're Ready [4.13-14]

Judge Gen: This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order. Let's make this quick, kids. I just started re-watching "The Leftovers". Honestly, when I found out that Carrie Coon was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity. Michael? Update?

Michael: Things are going fairly well. A new crop of humans just passed their tests. Among the notables who got in: Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, Saint Thomas Aquinas...

Chidi: YES!!

Michael: Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller.

[Vicky looks confused]

Michael: She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.

Judge Gen: Ohhhh.

Michael: "Where's the beef?" lady got in, SO...that's fun. Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.

Vicky: Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting. But pre-acting? Well...that's just being.

Judge Gen: Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis. Shawn, what you got?

Shawn: Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.

Michael: There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good and it's working. Come on, admit it.

Shawn: I will never...ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever, ever, ever ever, ever...ever...EVER admit that.

Michael: I know, buddy. I know.

[Jason has decided to move on so he throws a farewell party. At the party, Chidi encounters Doug Forcett, the man who predicted how the Afterlife worked with the greatest accuracy.]

Chidi: Hey there, Doug.

Doug: Hi.

Chidi: Having fun?

Doug: I've had so much chicken!

Chidi: It's probably good you chose your young body.

Doug: Yeah.

[Chidi pats Doug on the shoulder. Scene cuts to Michael approaching Janet.]

Michael: How are you doing?

Janet: I'm okay, Michael. How are you?

Michael: Well, I'm sad, and I know you're the most advanced being in the universe, but I feel like I need to tell you: it's okay if you're sad, too.

Janet: I know. And I am a little, but also, I know this is the right time for him to leave. I really am okay, I promise.

Michael: Will you come talk to me if you're not?

Janet: Always.

[Janet leads Jason to the peaceful area that contains the Last Door.]

Janet: You can sit on that bench as long as you want. Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

[Jason takes Janet's hands.]

Jason: I love you, Janet.

Janet: I love you, too, Jason.

Jason: I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.

Janet: Mm.

Jason: I made you something. [fidgets through his pocket] AW DIP, I lost it!

Janet: It's okay!

Jason: No, it's not! I made you this cool thing so you remember me even when you're married to Aquaman, and I...lost it somewhere in this forest. Some magical squirrel probably ate it.

Janet: Jason, it's okay. I'm never gonna forget you. In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone. I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once.

Jason: I know what you mean. Once, I smoked salvia, and saw the past and the future at the same time...

Janet: Mm.

Jason: Then I tried to brush my teeth with my cat.

Janet: To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.

Jason: Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?

Janet: There was no bad stuff. It was all good.

[They kiss. Janet leaves and Jason takes a seat on the bench.]

[Tahani and Kamila prepare to meet with their parents after learning that they've passed The Test.]

Kamila: I mean, they've gone through the system, so they'll be a little different, right?

Tahani: One would hope. [groans] I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad. I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta.

Kamila: I'm right here. We will get through this together.

[Waqas and Manisha Al-Jamil arrive.]

Tahani: Here we go. [clears throat] Mother. Father. Welcome to-

Manisha: MY DARLINGS! My darlings, oh!

[Waqas and Manisha hug Tahani and Kamila instantly much to the surprise of the sisters.]

Manisha: Oh, my little girls.

Waqas: We love you both SO much.

Manisha: SO very much, we have a million things to talk to you about, but first, we are sorry. We'll just be endlessly sorry forever and ever.

[Waqas and Manisha hug Tahani and Kamila again as the sisters look at each other in dumbfounded shock.]

Tahani: [whispers] ...Holy crap.

Kamila: [whispers] I know, right?

[Eleanor and Chidi spend one last moment together as Chidi has decided his time has come and Eleanor has finally agreed to let him go.]

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?

Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.

Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.

Chidi: [sighs] ...Picture a wave...in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore...and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a a different way for the water to be...for a little while. That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean...where it came from...and where it's supposed to be.

Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.

Chidi: Not bad.

[Eleanor and Chidi lock eyes.]

Chidi: None of this is bad.

[Eleanor and Chidi embrace.]

Eleanor: I need you to do me one last favor.

Chidi: Mm-hmm?

Eleanor: Say good-bye to me now...and leave before I wake up.

[The next day, Chidi has made good on the favor. Eleanor wakes and Chidi is gone. In his place is a calendar for one full Bearimy of time in the Afterlife with pictures of him in sexy poses and outfits for Eleanor to remember him by.]

[Janet has just guided Chidi to the Last Door. Chidi goes through. Janet turns to leave when a familiar face pops out from behind a tree.]

Jason: Oh, dip! You're back!

Janet: JASON!?

Jason: Yeah!

Janet: Wha...but how...why-

Jason: Funny story! Remember how I made you something and I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket?

Janet: Uh-huh?

Jason: Turns out it was in my OTHER pocket! By the time I found it, you were gone. I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel. So, I decided to wait for you to come back. Every so often, a different Janet came, but...I knew it wasn't you.

Janet: Jason, it's been, like, a THOUSAND Bearimies.

Jason: I know, but I wanted to see you again. It was actually pretty easy to wait.

[Montage of Jason wandering the forest.]

Jason: I sort of just sat quietly and let my mind drift away...thought about you, and the infinity of the universe.

Janet: Kind of like a monk.

Jason: What do you mean?

Janet: Um...

[Jason puts the necklace on Janet.]

Jason: Looks good, not-a-girl.

[Jason and Janet share one last kiss before Jason heads for the door.]

Jason: Chidi, wait up!

[Janet and Eleanor have just had a toast to the now human Michael at the Last Door.]

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.

Eleanor: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me: "The true joy is in the mystery."

Janet: Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?

Eleanor: Only if you say that thing I taught you.

Janet: ...I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence...but I LOVE to watch you leave.

Eleanor: There we go.

[Janet and Eleanor stand and share one last hug. After that, Eleanor walks through the door and dissolves into nothingness, her existence complete, her essence returned to the universe.]

Final line of the series:

Michael: I'll say this to you, my friend, with...all the joy in my heart, and all the wisdom in the universe: Take it sleazy.

External links

Wikipedia

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The Good Place