The Good Place

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The Good Place (2016-) is an American TV series, airing on NBC, about a woman who wakes up in the afterlife and is introduced to "The Good Place", a Heaven-like utopia, in reward for her righteous life. She realizes that she was sent there by mistake, and must hide her morally imperfect behavior and try to become a better person.

Contents

General Quotes[edit]

  • Welcome! Everything is fine.
    • The sign present outside Michael's office in the Good Place

Season 1[edit]

Chapter 1 – Everything is Fine [1.1][edit]

Michael: Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?
Eleanor: I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?
Michael: Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.
Eleanor: Cool.

Michael: Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.

Eleanor: Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?
Michael: Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.
Eleanor: Who's Doug Forcett?
Michael: Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing!

Eleanor: I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?
Chidi: If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.
Eleanor: That's bullshirt.

Janet: Hi there. How can I help you?
Eleanor: What the fork? Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.
Chidi: She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...
Eleanor: Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?
Janet: No.
Eleanor: Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.
Janet: That's correct.
Eleanor: Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.
Janet: Yes, you were.

Eleanor: Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Chidi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Chapter 2 – Flying [1.2][edit]

Chidi: I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Eleanor: Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?
Janet: It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

Tahani: That was my first time as a fashion "don't," and I did not care for it.

Chidi: You are too selfish to ever be a good person.
Eleanor: Well, I think you're wrong.
Chidi: What country am I from, again?
Eleanor: Sen...sodyne?
Chidi: That is a brand of toothpaste.

Chapter 3 – Tahani Al-Jamil [1.3][edit]

Eleanor: It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Chidi: (pointing to the board) Plato!

Tahani: So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...
Eleanor: "Congratulations, Beautiful.."
Tahani: Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

Chidi: Basically, my life's work is 3,600 pages of garbage. Even Michael couldn't understand it.
Eleanor: So? What does Michael know?
Chidi: Everything. That's my point... he knows everything, and it was too convoluted, even for him.
Eleanor: Michael does not know everything. Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here. You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.

Chapter 4 – Jason Mendoza [1.4][edit]

Jason: When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.
Eleanor: No, Jianyu, we're dead.
Jason: Whoa, that's a dope prank.

Jason: And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.

Eleanor: Pretty unique decorating style you have here, Jianyu. It's like, "12-year-old boy" meets "13-year-old boy."

Tahani: Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves, and picking up my early evening gloves.

Tahani: I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.
Michael: Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.

Jason: I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.

Jason: I didn't get into heaven to go to school.
Eleanor: You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.

Eleanor: I read this entire David Hume book, and then I read it again because I didn't understand it the first time, and now I'm ready to go.

Chapter 5 – Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis [1.5][edit]

Chidi: So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.
Eleanor: I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?
Chidi: Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...
Jason: Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Chidi: Um, okay, what?
Jason: Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
Chidi: Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Michael: I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

Janet: Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.
Michael: A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?
Tahani: Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
Michael: It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Eleanor: When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Chidi: I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.
Eleanor: That's your idea of paradise?

Eleanor: I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?

Tahani: I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.

Eleanor: Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

Eleanor: It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate. I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

Chapter 6 – What We Owe to Each Other [1.6][edit]

Chidi: Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.
Eleanor: Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?
Chidi: Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.
Eleanor: Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.
Chidi: Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon.

Michael: So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.
Eleanor: Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

Tahani: Jianyu, my love. How are you?
Jason: [reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.
Tahani: That's very profound.

Chidi: You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?
Jason: No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.

Tahani: And do you like France as much as I do?
Chidi: Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.

Michael: I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.

Chapter 7 – The Eternal Shriek [1.7][edit]

Eleanor: Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So, in that sense, he is the real problem. Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!

Tahani: By the way, uh, what's you're favorite color for the tablecloths?
Michael: Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."
Tahani: Could you describe it?
Michael: It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Tahani: Hmm. How about blue?

Michael: For a being like me, retirement is not something fun.
Tahani: What is "retirement" for you exactly?
Michael: Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.
Tahani: Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.
Michael: They're not. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...
Tahani: Like a piñata.
Michael: Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Eleanor: Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Chidi: Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.

Chidi: You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.
Eleanor: Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.
Chidi: Do you know who said that?
Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
Chidi: It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.

Janet: There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact: the first Janet had a click wheel.
Chidi: So it's like aging for a human? You're growing up?
Janet: That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.

Eleanor: Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.
Chidi: Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.

Janet: Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.
Chidi: Ah, thank you. That helps.
Janet: However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.
Eleanor: Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?
Chidi: I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.
[Chidi walks towards the kill switch]
Janet: [begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...
Chidi: Ah!
[Chidi jumps back]
Janet: Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.
Chidi: Your pleading seems so real.
Janet: Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Eleanor: Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's, 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?
Chidi: I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Michael: Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.
Tahani: Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
Michael: I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Chidi: Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?
Janet: A-B... Janet.
Eleanor: She knows her A-B-Janets.
Chidi: She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.

Chapter 8 – Most Improved Player [1.8][edit]

Tahani: You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.

Janet: Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Michael: Is it actually a cactus?
Janet: I don't understand.
Michael: I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
Janet: I have the file.
Michael: You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
Janet: That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Michael: Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Janet: Here you go.
[Janet hands Michael a cactus]

Michael: Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
Eleanor: And socks? Ew, who would do that?
Michael: People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Eleanor: Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.
Jason: That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.
Chidi: You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.
Eleanor: No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Tahani: You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show Anderson Cooper 360.

Eleanor: You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.
Tahani: Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.

Jason: Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Eleanor: Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.
Jason: Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?
Eleanor: Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?

Eleanor: I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.
Michael: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Trevor: This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops. You just thought about it.

Michael: Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.

Trevor: One final note: the dining car is at the very back of the train. It serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed.

Chapter 9 – …Someone Like Me as a Member [1.9][edit]

Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.
Chidi: Famously a piano player.

Troy: Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.
Janet: Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?

Janet: People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.
Jason: That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.
Janet: Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks. Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question? What are jalapeño poppers?
Jason: Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Eleanor: You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?
Trevor: Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person," I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it. But I read your file. You don't belong here. I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away. I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.

Tahani: I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.

Trevor: Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.
Eleanor: No, we didn't.
Trevor: Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?

Trevor: Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.
Michael: Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?
Chidi: What uh, who's Shawn?
Michael: He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.
Tahani: And his name is... "Shawn"?

Michael: You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - [to Eleanor] they have them down there - but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.
Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.

Chapter 10 – Chidi's Choice [1.10][edit]

Jason: Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
Tahani: What are you talking about?
Jason: I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.

Tahani: And is, uh, that a family member?
Jason: I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
Tahani: You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

Michael: Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.
Chidi: Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.
Michael: Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?
Chidi: I don't know.

Eleanor: There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him. His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi!

Janet: Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about.

Uzo: Come on, Chidi, pick someone.
Chidi: Don't pressure me, Uzo.I have to consider all the factors; Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or..or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.

Chapter 11 – What's My Motivation [1.11][edit]

Michael: Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.
Eleanor: That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.
Chidi: You just lost five points.

Tahani: Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!

Tahani: Eleanor, everyone hates you.
Eleanor: Well, fork you too.
Tahani: No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Tahani: We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever. This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.

Michael: Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.
Jason: I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.

Jason: We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.
Janet: And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.
Jason: Love you too, babe.

Michael: Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

Pillboi: Jason going to jail?
Police Officer: No, man. Jason's dead. He suffocated in that safe. There were no air holes. Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there, which couldn't have helped.
Pillboi: At least he died doing what he loved - a bunch of whippits. Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.
Police Officer: Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.

Jason: Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...
Janet: I'm not a girl.
Jason: And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.
Janet: Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

Chapter 12 – Mindy St. Claire [1.12][edit]

Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right.

Shawn: I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.
Bad Janet: What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [Farting] Nailed it.
Shawn: I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

Beadie: Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie. I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife.
Trevor: What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?
Beadie: That's not possible.
Trevor: Congrats. Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...
Beadie: They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.
Trevor: Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.
Beadie: We got you your favorite beer.
Trevor: Yeah, but it's always warm.
Beadie: On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.
Trevor: Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible.
Beadie: You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.

Mindy: So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
Eleanor: You were pretty coked-up, huh?
Mindy: Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high. It was so awesome.

Michael: We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?

Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... [read's Jason's file] Oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

Shawn: Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name is Shawn.

Michael: Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.
Chidi: Ah, kind of like a last meal?
Michael: Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.
Tahani: I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.
Chidi: That's what you think hell is?

Chapter 13 – Michael's Gambit [1.13][edit]

Jason: I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.
Janet: I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Chidi: Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.

Eleanor: You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days…side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

[While everyone argues, Eleanor closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she tries to think. Suddenly, her eyes snap open.]
Eleanor: Holy motherforking shirtballs.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.
[Eleanor's bedroom door opens. Michael and Shawn come outside.]
Michael: Is everything okay?
Eleanor: Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.
Chidi: What?!
Eleanor: [to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.
Michael: Well, what about Real Eleanor?
Eleanor: No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.
Shawn: Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.
Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.
[Bambajan suddenly bursts through the door, book in hand]
Bambajan: Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.
Eleanor: Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.
Bambajan: …oh. Okay. [he leaves]
Eleanor: [to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.
Chidi: Eleanor, what's going on?
Eleanor: [turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't. Because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.
[She turns back to Michael and Shawn as everyone stares in disbelief. Michael stares Eleanor down for a moment, before his face splits into a wicked smile and he lets out an evil laugh.]
Michael: Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.

Season 2[edit]

Chapter 14 & 15 – Everything is Great! [2.1-2][edit]

Eleanor: Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or whuuuat are you? A type of soup, maybe?

Michael: Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood. Everyone here led a remarkable life. But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary!
Eleanor: Ah, well, it's the environment. I mean, I loved, um mushrooms. I can honestly say that.
Michael: Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood. And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party. You know, just to introduce yourself.
Eleanor: How can I say no? Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can: Michael, I'm saying no.
Michael: Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so?

Michael: Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.

Michael: Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

Tahani: The point is, we're all good people, right? We all did the right thing whenever we could. And that's why it's so nice to be here among you, in this massive house that I want. I want this house. Give it. No, I'm just kidding. But really, give me the house.

Michael: Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test! Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

Chris: You said that if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying, "I'm going to the gym," so that's what I've been saying.
Michael: That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?
Chris: Five. No, nine.
Michael: You dimwit!
Chris: Hey, man! I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I twist them until they snapped in half, and I move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else. I'm going to the gym!

Jason: Can I go to your house?
Janet: I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.
Jason: Can I go there?
Janet: No. It's a boundless void.

Tahani: It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.
Tomás: My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!

Tahani: I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!

Eleanor: This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.
Michael: Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?
Jason: Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
Eleanor: Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Chapter 16 – Dance Dance Resolution [2.3][edit]

Michael: They're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.

Eleanor: Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?
Janet: Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.
Eleanor: Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.
Chidi: Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.
Eleanor: Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

Jason: I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Jason: I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.

Eleanor: As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
Chidi: Your mom always said that?

Michael: Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.

Chidi: I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
Eleanor: Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us.
Chidi: Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistemological nightmare.
Eleanor: Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.
Chidi: You you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.

Eleanor: I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Jason: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason," but I know a little wisdom I can give you.
Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

Chapter 17 – Team Cockroach [2.4][edit]

Michael: Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.
Chidi: It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

Tahani: You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

Eleanor: What do we do?
Jason: We team up with Michael.
Eleanor: Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.
Jason: He has a bow tie.
Eleanor: Oh, no.
Jason: I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.
[a beat; Eleanor slaps Jason]

Jason: I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?
Michael: [chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.
Jason: Will they ever win the Super Bowl?
Michael: Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.

Michael: I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.
Eleanor: Gross.
Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael: We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.
Eleanor: "We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.

Tahani: Oh, no. I died in Cleveland?
Michael: I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Chidi: How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing?
Eleanor: Nine weeks, minimum.

Chapter 18 – Existential Crisis [2.5][edit]

Tahani: Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?
Jason: Yes! She does.

Tahani: Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much."

Eleanor: Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
Chidi: Are you trying to say "valedictorian?"
Eleanor: No.

Chidi: Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.
Eleanor: That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
Chidi: You mean a skirt?
Eleanor: No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.

Eleanor: Dude, you broke Michael.
Chidi: No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.
Eleanor: And what if he can't?
Chidi: Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.

Donna: Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggie, Max, has passed away. Do you know what that means? Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow. I already said "rainbow". The point is: that's where Max is.
Eleanor: Can we visit him at the farm?
Donna: Nope, because it's very far away in Guam. It's in Guam.
Eleanor: Can we at least...
Donna: Okay, look. I'm lying, okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up. The bridge is made up. There's no such place as Guam.

Tahani: I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.

Michael: Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.
Chidi: Hi, Jeanette.
Janet: Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

Jason: Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Tahani: Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
Jason: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Tahani: Why? It's not important.

Michael: Okay, I know what you're thinking. Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison. But don't think about that. Don't be sad, you guys. Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir which I am wearing a lot of tonight. Or the Sharper Image Catalog. What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing. I'm going to do some push-ups. Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.

Eleanor: Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.
Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
Eleanor: Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Chapter 19 – The Trolley Problem [2.6][edit]

Tahani: But this is hard because the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.

Chidi: Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Michael: Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.
Everyone Else: ...
Michael: Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?
Chidi: Yep. Ten more buddy.
[Michael goes up to the chalk board and starts writing]
Michael: People good. People good. Why is that so hard to remember? People- What is it?
Chidi: Good.
Michael: Good.

Jason: Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?
Tahani: Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out."
Jason: Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.
Tahani: But then that person would know we were together.
Jason: Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.
Tahani: But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.
Jason: I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

Chidi: I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?
Michael: "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."
Chidi: Do you see how you're already off topic?
Michael: Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

Janet: Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.
Tahani: Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just heard that.

Michael: These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?
Eleanor: Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.

Jason: Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Michael: What's happening? What's wrong?
Janet: I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why. And it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So that's the main thing. How are you?

Chapter 20 – Janet and Michael [2.7][edit]

Michael: They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void. It's right next to Accounting.

Michael: Wait a second, Janet. What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out the neighborhood is in danger of total collapse?
Janet: Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.
Michael: Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be; What's causing the problem?
Janet: Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.

Michael: That glitch appears to be limited to this building. So Vicky won't know.
Janet: That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janet: Janets can't lie.
Michael: You lied to Vicky earlier.
Janet: Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again... I love your outfit.

Michael: [reading manual] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear. Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."
Janet: I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!

Michael: Janet, uh, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?
Janet: Frozen yogurt.
Michael: Oh, yes! [laughs] Frozen yogurt. Oh, Janet, you're a genius.
Janet: Correct.

Janet: Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.
Michael: Get what?
Janet: Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

Chapter 21 – Derek [2.8][edit]

Janet: We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's...
Derek: Derek!

Michael: So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Chidi: It's frowned upon.
Michael: Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

Janet: Say "goodbye," Derek.
Derek: Ah, good-bob. I hope we same place again very now.
Janet: His brain is wrong.

Tahani: It combines both classic aspects of British sport: whimsy and restraint. Oh, so restrained. I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."

Jason: I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
Tahani: Didn't you get seasick?
Jason: No, sorry they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
Tahani: You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off.

Chidi: There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.
Michael: No, I got you, I got you. So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.
Chidi: No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink.

Tahani: Jason I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. I'm not a factory worker.

Janet: Goodbye, Derek.
Derek: Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.
Eleanor: Does he seem a little bit uh still alive?
Janet: Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Eleanor: I've been keeping a secret from you. About you.
Chidi: What is it?
Eleanor: The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you. So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.
Chidi: Yeah, well, forget all that. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.

Eleanor: I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."

Chapter 22 – Leap to Faith [2.9][edit]

Shawn: When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick".

Tahani: At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.
Jason: Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?
Tahani: The first bit.

Michael: Oh, Kierkegaard is so great. Have you read "Fear and Trembling"? Well, I don't know, have you read "Boring and Stupid"? Because that's what you are.

Tahani: No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

Jason: I vote we...
Tahani: No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.
Jason: I was gonna agree with you.
Tahani: Oh, great, well, that's two votes for my plan.

Jason: I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.
Eleanor: What cops? Where do you think we are?

Michael: Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!
Jason: No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.

Tahani: That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

Shawn: Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't. You aided the humans just to spite Michael. You're not a demon. You're a jerk.

Tahani: I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.

Chapter 23 – Best Self [2.10][edit]

Tahani: You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.
Jason: My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?
Tahani: No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories...
Jason: She got fired after I...
Tahani: Please, no.
Jason: ...robbed the pet store where she worked.
Tahani: Please, please, Jason.
Jason: We actually robbed it together.
Tahani: No, no, no.
Jason: Long story short, it was all a dream.
Tahani: Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.

Jason: And to Janet, the best robot...
Janet: Not a robot.
Jason: Girl...
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight up hottie...
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
Jason: Any of us could have ever asked for.
Janet: Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...
Eleanor: Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.

Michael: All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Michael: As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
Eleanor: That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.
Michael: The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.
Eleanor: Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.
Michael: In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?
Eleanor: You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
Michael: I just made an aphorism.

Chidi: Here's the thing about me. You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes. All the time. It's just the constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of oorrr things that I want or want to want, or want to want to wa...
Eleanor: You're grindin' in there right now, bud.

Chapter 24 – Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent [2.11][edit]

Michael: See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.
Michael: Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Tahani: What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have. Can I have it?

Michael: There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Tahani: Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?
Michael: Yes. "Throats".

Michael: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Shawn: Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.

Eleanor: Damn, you're good at this.
Tahani: Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Shawn: I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.

Eleanor: What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.
Chidi: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
Eleanor: You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Robot Tahani: I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.
Tahani: I have, actually. It's remarkable.
Robot Tahani: It's remarkable!
Tahani: ...

Chapter 25 – The Burrito [2.12][edit]

Eleanor: Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.
Chidi: Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.
Jason: I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.
Tahani: Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

Chidi: Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?
Judge Gen: Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

Judge Gen: I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.
Tahani: Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.
Judge Gen: I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
Tahani: We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.
Judge Gen: Say "aluminum".
Tahani: Aluminium.
Judge Gen: I love that!

Michael: Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

Judge Gen: Tahani it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring - "Gen". It's just short for "hydrogen", which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho.

Tahani: Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.

Judge Gen: How's it going in here?
Jason: I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!
Judge Gen: Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.

Tahani: The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you. Never going to earn your respect. You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening, and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Chapter 26 – Somewhere Else [2.13][edit]

Michael: If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans the very method we use to deem them good or bad is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.
Judge Gen: Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all. Look, I got goosebumps. Doesn't happen very often.

Eleanor: The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?
Tahani: Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Co-worker: Hey Eleanor! Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower!?
Eleanor: Do you want to chew on my ass...sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?
Co-worker: S-sure...

Eleanor: I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.
Brittany: Ew! Why?
Madison: Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?
Eleanor: Yeah. That's exactly why.

Michael: You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.
Eleanor: Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.
Michael: She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.
Eleanor: I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?
Michael: The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?
Eleanor: What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?
Michael: Drinks are on me. Good luck.

Season 3[edit]

Chapters 27 & 28 – Everything Is Bonzer! [3.1][edit]

Chapter 29 – The Brainy Bunch [3.2][edit]

Chapter 30 – The Snowplow [3.3][edit]

Chapter 31 – Jeremy Bearimy [3.4][edit]

Chapter 32 – The Ballad of Donkey Doug [3.5][edit]

Chapter 33 – A Fractured Inheritance [3.6][edit]

Chapter 34 – The Worst Possible Use of Free Will [3.7][edit]

Chapter 35 – Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By [3.8][edit]

Chapter 36 – Janet(s) [3.9][edit]


Janet 1: Dudes, why are there so many Janets and why do I sound like Janet?
Janet 2: You also look like Janet. Do I...? Why?! What?! What is happening?! [gets a stomachache much like Chidi]
Janet 3: [In a British accent like Tahani] Oh , no! Am I...wearing a vest?! Oh! Michael, help me!
Michael: This is gonna be tricky. How can we tell them apart?
Janet 4: [Points to own breasts in excitement]
Michael: [Points to Janet 4] Okay, that one's Jason.

Chidi-Janet: This is nuts. We're in a void inside a white lady...
Eleanor-Janet: Not a lady.
Tahani-Janet: Not a lady, darling.
Jason-Janet: Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel! I found it on Etsy. There was no room to park! Did you refill the Brita!?
Tahani-Janet: I find this void quite calming actually. It's like this time the Xanax took me.

Janet: [Appears] I told you not to conjure anything!
Chidi-Janet: Sorry, I just needed a board to explain...
Janet: Not you, him. [pans to Jason-Janet and Pillboi in a damaged hot tub] Jason! What is wrong with you?
Jason-Janet: Sorry, Janet. I didn't mean to conjure anything. I was just thinking about the good times I had with Pillboi chilling and hanging out in his broken hot tub. And then, he showed up.
Pillboi: Yeah, I was just chilling being nothing, and then I was.
Janet: Goodbye, Pillboi.
Pillboi: [Jason-Janet is forced to leave as Pillboi and the hot tub disintegrates and fades away]] Aw, dip. I'm not again.......!!

Neil: Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding: negative 1,200 points. [More details appear on screen] Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding: negative 4,300. [More details appear on screen] The theme's Lord of the Rings - they're basically doomed.

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this… [more details appear on screen] oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well, then we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
Matty: I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.
Neil: Request denied. [To Michael] I love Matty. He's hilarious.

Chapter 37 - The Book of Dougs [3.11][edit]

Chapter 38 - Chidi Sees The Time-Knife [3.12][edit]

[Chidi has just fallen through a hole across the multiverse in the Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes]
Chidi: I…I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal forming…a single blade.
Michael: Yeah, yeah. The Time-Knife. We've all seen it.

Eleanor: There's this chicken sandwich that, if you eat it, it means you hate gay people! And it's delicious!
Judge Gen: It is! It is so good!

Chapter 39 - Pandemonium [3.13][edit]

Eleanor: I don't normally cry at movies…but that one was pretty good. [sniffs] That girl was hot. The guy was, too.
Chidi: I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.
Eleanor: Except you won't. That's what's so scary about this whole thing. I'm gonna miss you. You're just gonna think I'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.
Chidi: I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.
Eleanor: It's not a joke. I'm a legit snack.
Chidi: But I believe in you. [sniffs] I am not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here, taking care of me.
Eleanor: I wish we had more time together.
Chidi: Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the I forever.

External links[edit]

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