It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 1)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.
The Gang Gets Racist [1.1]
[edit][Dennis is in bed with a man, whom he believes is a woman at first]
- Gay Man: Hello, lover.
- Dennis: Whoa! What the hell? What is going on here?
- Gay Man: Relax, stud. You got nothing to be ashamed about.
- Dennis: What the fuck...what does that mean? Did we have--No.
- Gay Man: No, don't be silly. It was all hands.
[Another man emerges from behind Dennis]
- Gay Man 2: How's that ass feelin'? [Slaps Dennis's ass]
- Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.
- Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
- [all look over at Dennis]
- Dennis: ...boys are out tonight, huh?
- Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
- Charlie: Well, dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uh...because you're an asshole!
- Charlie: Domino, biatch!
- Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
- Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia. I didn't think it was that big a secret.
- Black Student: 'Bout to bust that shit up, Reece! 'Bout to bust that shit up, boy!
- Mac: Absolutely.
[Students stare at Mac]
- Dennis (to Terrell): Oh, hey, man, we're closed.
- Terrell: Yeah, I know.
- Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't want any trouble.
- Terrell: What?
- Dee: Guys, this is Terrell... From my acting class.
- Terrell: You know, when I'm promoting, you better believe everybody and their mama gonna be there. You know what I mean? There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever. You know, we got niggas hanging from the rafters. So, we got like 400 plus packed into this tiny little place-
- Dennis: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you said you had 400 people packed into this place?
- Terrell: You damn right I got 400 - that's my job, man. And it's mostly college kids. You know, my sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.
- Mac: Ah, and hookups are good. But just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend?
- Dennis: Dude.
- Dee: Oh, Jesus.
- Terrell: I mean my sister.
- Mac: Oh, ok, cool. I was just - because - he could mean his friend or his sister and I was just -
- Charlie: Stop talking.
- Terrell: So we're packing into this little bitty place over on Walnut, right? We're halfway through the night, everything's going alright. You know what I mean? All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballing me from across the bar.
- Dennis: Shit.
- Terrell: And I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me, you know what I'm saying?
- Charlie: He's giving you crazy eyes.
- Terrell: The insane, crazy eyes, right?
- Charlie: I know that.
- Terrell: So I walk over to this guy. He's this big, cut, Mexican dude and I look at him and say, "Yo, ese, unless you want to get your ass torn apart, you'd better get this look off of your face."
- Dee: No...
- Mac: You walked right up to him and said that?
- Terrell: I had to, man. You gotta make the first move. Always make the first move, you know what I'm saying?
- Dennis: I know.
- Mac: That's so badass.
- Dee: So what happened?
- Terrell: Well, hey, he won't stop staring me down and we're, like, eyeball to eyeball, his grill is right up in mine. It feels like an eternity, son, right? Finally, he just opens up his mouth and says (Mexican accent) "I guess you're gon' have to tear my ass apart, holmes."
- Charlie: Oh, man. So, what did you do?
- Terrell: Took him to the back alley and tore his ass apart.
- Mac: Guys, listen, honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.
- Charlie: For what?
- Mac: You heard him! When he's promoting, everybody and they mama looking to get in.
- Charlie: That's true, they do have "niggers hanging from the rafters."
[The Waitress walks up as Charlie says this.]
- Waitress': Wow. Nice.
Charlie Wants an Abortion [1.2]
[edit]- Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
- Dee: Is he jo— Is that—are you joking?
- Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: "And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day, and it was good."
- Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
- Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.
- Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
- Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay. I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
- Dennis: Pff. Sucks for me.
- Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
- Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
- [Tommy spits in Charlie's face]
- Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!
- Tommy: I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black person's hospital.
- Charlie: Wow, extremely racist!
Underage Drinking: A National Concern [1.3]
[edit]- Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
- Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
- Charlie: I guess.
- Mac: Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar, and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
- Charlie: That is true.
- Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
- Dee: Hello, Stephen.
- Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
- Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the backseat puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
- Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
- Mac: You abused alcohol, and that's okay. That's okay. But it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
- Dee: No, I don't like where this is headed.
- Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
- Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what, let's just take it slow.
- Dee: You are so sweet. Where were you when I was in high school?
- Trey: I was eight.
- Dee: Right. Yeah...
- Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine Cannalan said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timmy at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because she thought Trey secretly liked Erin Hennebrary. But Trey didn't like Erin Hennebrary, it was all a bunch of bull.
[Sweet Dee approaches]
- Dee: What's going on here? Who is that?
- Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine-
- Mac: Okay, you know what, dude, you gotta stop.
Charlie Has Cancer [1.4]
[edit]- Dennis: I don't get it, Sweet Dee. There are tons of women in this city. Where do they mate with these gorillas?
- Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
- Dennis: Oh, I see.
- Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley. Might as well call it "Rape Bar".
- Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, okay? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
- Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do.
- Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
- Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
- Charlie: All right, look at this. Sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
- Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
- Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
- Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
- Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
- Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
- Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
Gun Fever [1.5]
[edit]- Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
- Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
- Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
- Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?
- Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
- Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
- Mac: No way!
- Dennis: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.
- Dennis: Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!
- Dennis: We're really sorry, Charlie, but it was dark, we didn't know it was you...and you were robbing the register.
- Charlie: Yeah...still wish you hadn't shot me.
The Gang Finds a Dead Guy [1.6]
[edit]- Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
- Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him. Maybe break his arm.
- Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
- Mac: Oh, yes I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy!
- Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people. I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands, really. You can see right through 'em and all their inside business.
- Mac: [To Dennis handing him a photo] Dude, your grandpa's a Nazi!
- Mac: That guy is dead.
Charlie Got Molested [1.7]
[edit]- Charlie: Okay, okay, first of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested, and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You jackholes are securing your places in hell.
- Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.
- Dennis: So you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
- Charlie: Uh, no. No, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty, I'm sort of off the hook completely.
- Dennis: That's great!
- Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
- Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
- Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out, three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
- Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
- Dennis: Emotional release. Another giant step forward.
- Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
- Dennis: Doctor.
- Charlie: You guys cannot say that he molested you!
- Ryan: Why not?
- Charlie: Because he didn't molest you!
- Ryan: That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him.
- Mac: If the McPoyles got blown and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
- Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
- Dee: Seriously.
- Charlie: Where's your brother dude?
- Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
- Charlie: Alright li--listen, you guys can't go... did you just say "we"?
- Liam: What?
- Charlie: Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?
- Liam: I said "he".
