It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 7)

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.

Frank's Pretty Woman [7.1][edit]

Dee: [To Roxy] Your life is way more glamorous than I was picturing.
Roxy: Yeah yeah. Now help me dig these crack rocks out of my ass.
Dee: That's what I was picturing.

Frank: Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?

Frank: Roxy, you are good shit and I want to make this legit. I'm still gonna pay you - but I want you to stop banging other guys. What do you say? You wanna be my wife or what?

[To Roxy's Corpse]

Frank: Roxy, God Bless you. You were a good whore, you serviced me like no other whore ever did; not only my crank, but my heart - and I'm gonna miss you. AMEN.

Frank: I love eggs, Charlie. And I love crabs. And I love boiling denim and banging whores. And I don't care if anyone doesn't like that about me, they don't have to stick around.

Dennis: You look fat as shit! I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of our organization here. Mac, you have gained 50 pounds of fat.”
Mac: “Mass.”
Dennis: “Fat.”
Mac: “Muscle.”
Dennis: Let's be clear. Fat.”

Mac: “People change, Frank. Look at me: I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.”

Mac: “But I'm healthy besides the diabitis.
Doctor: “Um, no.
Mac: “But I'm more healthier than he is, is the point I think you're trying to make, even with the diabitis.
Dennis: Dude, stop saying "diabitis"! You sound like an ass...

Charlie: “The other day we were hanging out under the bridge, we found a box of denim, and I'm like "these look like good jeans in here," and (Frank)'s like "Wanna split them with me 50/50?" That's a nice thing to do.”

Roxy: Ew I like this jacket is awesome, and it's tighter than dick skin, man.
Dee: Come on Roxy. We're in a classy place with classy clothes for classy people don't talk about dick skin.
Jerry: Um hi.. Can I help you?
Dee: No thanks, we're just trying some stuff on.
Jerry: Well you are aware that jacket is 500 dollars, right?
Dee: Are you implying we can't afford that?
Jerry: Can you?
Dee: That's none of your business.
Jerry: Umm it's exactly my business.
Roxy: Hey screw your dick skin jacket. [pours vodka on the jacket]
Dee and Salesman: No! No! No!
Roxy: How you like me now? gay boy
Dee: Oh don't call him gay. It'd be one thing if he wasn't but he clearly is so--
Manager: Is there a problem here?
Roxy: Yeah i'm trying to buy this jacket and this asshole here is giving me shit.
Manager: You are aware of the price?
Roxy: Well I have money [Pulls out a giant wad of cash]
Manager: Jerry. Can I speak with you in my office?
Jerry: You have got to be kidding me!
Dee: Boom! Face Jerry! Face! --Sorry about the gay stuff tho that did cross the line.

The Gang Goes to Jersey Shore [7.2][edit]


Frank: Wait a minute! wait a minute! where's the rum ham!?.
Mac: [Pointing to the ham floating away] Ah.
Frank: Ahhhhh! I'm sorry rum ham! Im sorry..rum ham.

Dennis: [Pointing to women sitting across from them] Like what's her story? She's got a decent bone structure she was probably very pretty when she was young.Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach,and scooping ice cream.
Dee: But she didn't want her summers to end so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Dennis: Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Dee: Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.
Dennis: Mm-hmm. Than social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...
Women: You know I can hear you right?
Dennis: Oh sorry, We were just using you as a metaphor, though. We didn't mean anything personal.
Women: Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.

Charlie: "Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."
Mac: "Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."
Dennis:" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"
Mac: "Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."

Charlie: Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah buddy that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now how long would it take....
Dennis: Do not try to swim to Europe.
Charlie: Don't swim to Europe.

Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!
Frank: This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!

Frank: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.
Mac: Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?

Mac: "As a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence... I find shortcuts insulting. Now give me a piece of ham now!"

(Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee have just run into two homeless men having anal sex under the boardwalk, just as Dennis has been telling Charlie about the romanticism of the Boardwalk.)

Charlie (disgusted): NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Dennis: A couple of homeless guys banging each other!
Charlie: I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!

Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties [7.3][edit]

Frank: We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids! (singing) "Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"
Mac (annoyed): There is no quicker way for people to think that you're diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
Frank: You gotta write a song like:

I wouldn't do it with anyone younger than my daughter, no little kids, gotta be big, older than my wife, older than my wife, something like that... (Charlie looks at Mac, as if to say, "Should I? 'Cause I have an idea...")

Mac (annoyed): Don't write a song about that.
Frank: Do I look suspicious?

(Frank backstage with mortician)
Frank: I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]
Frank: [over speakers] I got... I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?
Mortician: Mm... no.
Frank: Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right. [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasping] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.
Charlie: Turn his mic down.
Artemis: I'm trying. I don't know, I don't know how.
Charlie: You don't know how?
Artemis: I don't know which one it is!
Frank: Fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli.
Dee: What's going on, you idiot?
[Indistinct talking]
Frank: Make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?
Charlie: Oh, God.
(Frank rushes back to the stage)
Frank: [chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]

Sweet Dee Gets Audited [7.4][edit]

IRS Employee: Well, if you had opened up the letters you would understand that you're being audited.
Dee: Audited? Why? What are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.
IRS Employee: Your license plate says "$CAMMIN."
Dee: Uh, no.
IRS Employee: What do you mean no?
Dee: Yes.

Dennis: So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Two raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Two raise hands] Now, there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy has failed.

Dennis: But I am gonna need a business card, 'cause I want to be able to hand that shit to people, so they know that I am in a place of power.
Frank: It's not important.
Dennis: It's important to me, Frank! And I know that what's important to you is money and power, but I don't want real power, because with real power comes real responsibility, and I don't want any of that shit. I just want the money. And the illusion of power. And puss.
Frank: What?
Dennis: Hell, I don't know, Frank. I don't know, man.
Frank: What? Tell me, tell me.
Dennis: I need something. I mean, I got this, uh... this giant gaping hole inside me. Oh. And I'm-I'm always trying to fill it with something. I like to call it my, uh, my God hole. And I think a lot of people in this world, they-they fill it with religion. But I don't believe in God.
Frank: But you want to fill it with pussy.
Dennis: Yeah.

Dennis: Wolf Cola, everyone. It's the right cola for closure

Dennis: See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.
[Cut to a funeral for Dees fake dead baby] [bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace"]
Mac: This is dark.
Frank: Darkest thing we've ever done.

Frank's Brother [7.5][edit]

Frank: You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress. They'd tear you apart.
Dee: a Negress?
Frank: What? Whatever the proper word was.
Dee: Well, it's not that.

Frank: The point is, we opened the club, and we named it after our star attraction.
Guy on the street: Shady-nasty's?
Frank: Sha-dynasty's, asshole.

The Storm of the Century [7.6][edit]

[Dennis talking to two women]

Dennis: We're gonna call it a hurricane party. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.
Women #1: What's a hurricane party?
Dennis: A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.
Women #2: Oh, I've heard of that bar.
Dennis: Yeah?..

[Charlie appears next to Dennis wearing fishing gear and pushing a cart]

Charlie: Hey! [laughs] Hello! All right, all right! Hi. Crazy, crazy weather coming our way.
Dennis & The Two Women: Yeah.
Charlie: You trying to get these girls down to the bunker, or...?
Dennis: Oh, no, I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar we own.
Charlie: Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. Yeah, well... It's, like, so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to. We'll be, like, totally safe down there. I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs? Sardines, too...
Dennis: [Nervous laughter] Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food and normal stuff there, too. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and you can bring your girlfriends, too, you know? [laughing] We don't want just the two of you. You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.
Women #1: Sounds like fun?... Can our boyfriends come, too?
Dennis: Oh. Your boyfriends?
Women #2: Yeah, our boyfriends.
Dennis: You two have boyfriends? How did you not know... that the reason I invited you back to my bar... was to bang you?... Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get... Get out of here! Shoo away from me!
Women #1: You're a dick.
Dennis: You're a dick! [turns to Charlie] She's a...i'm not a dick.

Dennis: You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?
Charlie: Yeah. They're gonna be, like, "Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming."

Chardee MacDennis: The Game of Games [7.7][edit]

Mac: [Reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?
Charlie: I don't think I wrote that.
Mac: You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?
Charlie: I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.
Mac: Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the...? Just throw out a guess.
Charlie: Pass.
Mac: No!
Dennis & Dee: Pass, pass?
Mac & Frank: No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.
Mac: Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.
Charlie: Pass.
Mac: Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.
Dennis: [Very eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!!
Charlie: That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.

[Frank in a dog kennel]

Frank: Put my cage on the bar so I can see.
Dennis: [Splashes beer in his face] Shut up, dog!

Mac: Last time we played, Dee got "Emotional Battery," we berated that bitch for, like, two straight hours.
Charlie: I mean, really personal stuff. Way over the line. The kind of stuff that cuts you to the core, you know.
Mac: She held it together without a single tear.
Charlie: Dude, when her two minutes were up, she cried for a month straight.
Mac: Yeah, it was really sad. Every day, crying all day long. She talked about taking too many pills.
Charlie: I think she tried to kill herself.
Mac: She did, she did. I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it.

Dennis: God dammit Dee! Your back is so boney and crooked and all over the place I can't get a flat surface!

The ANTI-Social Network [7.8][edit]

Charlie: We have to blow the sign off of the building-- you know, maybe I'll do the blowing, that's fine.
Dennis: Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?
Charlie: I didn't until Mac said it.
Mac: I never said that.
Dennis: A man cannot blow a sign off of a building.
Mac: In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...
Dennis: We are talking about the Internet.You are derailing the conversation.

Charlie: But it was an assault.
Detective: Shushing somebody is not an assault.
Dennis: There was more to it than...
Charlie: yeah it wasn't just shushing, though. Yeah, And the reason it was an assault was because he was shushing our cries for help.
Dennis: Right.
Charlie: This guy was raping us.
Dennis: Well wha?
Detective: He was raping you?
Dennis & Charlie: Yeah, well, yeah Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Detective: The both of you?
Charlie: No. You can't rape two guys.
Dennis: I wouldn't even necessarily classify it..
Charlie: You know what happened was that he only raped my friend here. I actually shook him off in time. The guy never quite made it inside of me but, my friend here, yeah.
Detective: So he was only raping you?
Dennis Yep.
Charlie: Yeah yeah. He, like, really, kinda made soup of your insides.
Dennis: No no, no. He barely, he barely made it in there, so, trust me, I'm fine.
Charlie: Yeah, but he bit his dick.
Dennis: Not-- what?! No, he did He, he the reason we were going to file as a rape was because he did make it inside me, but, like, just barely and the guy was super-small, so I'm fine.

Frank on video: So spread this video to all of your friends, because it's a computer virus. Take it from me. I am a doctor. Dr.Toboggan. Mantis Toboggan.

The Gang Gets Trapped [7.9][edit]

Charlie: Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind. Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.
Dennis [on walkie talkie]: What does that mean? What does that mean?
Mac: He's wearing cowboy boots.

Frank: Deandra, your breath is dog shit.

Dee: A whole bunch of tickets to The Jay Leno Show.
Dennis: Who cares?
Dee: No. Listen to me. Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?
Dennis: No one. No one wants to see him once.

Dennis: Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch, I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.
Dee: I hope they hogtie you. And then I hope the rape you in their basement for ten years.

Charlie: Yeah, give me a chip.
Mac: No, you're not getting the chips. The chips are off the table, okay?
Charlie: I want a chip!
Mac: Don't bring up the chips.
Charlie: Give me a chip!
Mac: He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis, you were there. I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?" He said, "No, I don't want chips." If you wanted the goddamn chips, you should have gotten the goddamn chips at the hamburger store!

Dennis: Frank! Little girl coming your way.
Frank: I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a a peep.

Dee: It was weird that they were Asian, right?
The Gang: Yeah yeah

How Mac Got Fat [7.10][edit]

Frank:Hey Charlie you asleep? Charlie are you asleep?
Charlie: No. NO.

(whiny and tired)

Frank: I got a great idea.

(tapping Charlie rapidly on the shoulder)

Charlie: I don't want to hear it. Frank I'm a successful man now. Okay? I need to maintain a certain level of excellence, so i can't have you like telling me terrible idea all night because that brings me off me excellence. Okay?
Frank: Okay, but this is a great idea. We take, we take the M-80s that i have and we stick 'em in some lamb, and then PATCHYA! We blow it up.
Charlie: What are you looking to do like flash cook a, a gyro sandwich?
Frank: Yeah. That's a good idea. Flash cook a sandwich.
Charlie: Oh my god
Frank: Cook the meat immediately.
Charlie: I mean what you're talking about is just a meat bomb and that's just a waist of a good lamb so if your done coming up with good terrible ideas, um I'm gonna go back to bed.
Frank: A meat bomb! You you you blow it up!

Mac (shouting): OH, GREAT AND ANGRY GOD, I COMMAND THEE TO SMITE MY FRIENDS!!!

Thunder Gun Express [7.11][edit]

[Frank after stealing a tour boat]

Frank: Charlie. He's my buddy. We sleep together. We hang out together. Once I pooped in the bed. I blamed it on him. [laughs] One time the guys got hooked on crack. It was really crazy. Well, they found a baby in a Dumpster. They wanted to make some money with the baby, but nobody would buy the baby because it was white. So they had to turn it brown. We were fighting over the sword. And just about when we were about to hit each other with the sword, Social Services came in, thought we were killing the baby.
Asian Tourist: I-I don't understand this tour.
Frank: Charlie wrote this musical. Oh, man, it was really funny. I played a troll on the musical. And it's called The Nightman Cometh. I could sing you my song, if you like. You gotta... you gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. Yeah, and, uh... But you gotta pay to get in. I was saying, "soul." He thought I was saying, "boy's hole." One of the things I like doing most is banging whores. I, uh, I go out and bang a lot of whores. Listen, here's the thing. I'm going to have to jump off here. So you guys enjoy the rest of the tour on your own, okay?
Asian Tourist: How are we supposed to get back to our tour bus?
Frank: That's your problem. Welcome to Philly.

The High School Reunion [7.12][edit]

The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge [7.13][edit]

Charlie: Do you remember Psycho Pete?
Ingrid: Unfortunately, yes.
Charlie: Any word on if he's coming tonight or...
Ingrid: Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.
Charlie: Ha, that's...
Mac: He was probably just joking.
Charlie: That's his sense of humor.
Mac: He has a very dark sense of humor.
Charlie: You gotta lighten up around Pete.
Ingrid: Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?
Charlie: [pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.
Mac: Did that really happen?
Charlie: Yeah, that sounds much more serious.

Dennis: I want to be inside you. I want to do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a boring, worthless, piece-of-shit your husband really is.
Christie: Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you want to have sex with me?
Dennis: Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, bam, boom.
Christie: Because you're gay.
Dennis: What?! I'm not gay.
Christie: Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup. Who doesn't...
Christie: And a girdle.
Dennis: Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird.
Christie: You've also been gossiping with me for the last twenty minutes.
Dennis: I was speeding through the steps. I have the system that... I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was gonna take you into an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you. And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally. That's what I do, Christie. And it was working. I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want. What I want. And then now it's what you want.
Christie: [getting away] Ew!
Dennis: "Ew," okay, yeah, well, your husband is a liar, how about that, Christie? Yeah, stay with a liar! And a deceiver! [talking to everyone, or no one in particular] Yeah, Tim does not deserve to be the king of the mountaintop! I am the king of the mountaintop! I reign supreme over everyone in this school. I am the golden god of this place. I reign supreme! I! I!

Dennis: Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds...reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.
Tim Murphy: Dude, listen to yourself. Nobody turned anybody against you. You were never really that cool to begin with.
Adriano: Seriously, man. You would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap. And referring to all of us as your minions.
Tim: You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something. It was...it was really weird.
Dennis: Okay. Well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in the school, then why did you have to try to tear me down by sleeping with my prom date?
Tim: I didn't sleep with your prom date.
Dennis: YES YOU DID!
Tim: No, I didn't. [points to Mac] Ronnie the Rat did.
Dennis: Wait, what?
Tim: Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date. Did he tell you I slept with her? I never would've slept with that chick. She was gross.

Waitress: [drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?
[Just before Charlie can say anything, in comes...]
Schmitty: How you doing, fellas? Having fun?
Charlie: Schmitty, excuse me...
Schmitty: Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.
Waitress: Do you wanna have sex with me?
Schmitty: Yes, I do.
'Waitress: Well, there you go.
Schmitty: See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?
Waitress: I don't know.
Schmitty: We'll use mine, come on.
Charlie: Schmitty.
Mac: Let's go back to the bar.
Dee: Yeah.
Frank: Let's go, Charlie.
Charlie: Schmitty just...
Mac: Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.