It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (season 9)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an American television sitcom on FX. It moved to FXX beginning with the ninth season. The series follows the exploits of "The Gang", a group of self-centered friends who run the Irish bar Paddy's Pub in South Philadelphia.
The Gang Broke Dee [9.1]
- Dennis: Oh, Dee... Oh! Snyder?
- Dee: Mm-hmm.
- Dennis: He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
- Dee: I am not using him.
- Dennis: Oh, you're not using him?
- Dee: Nope.
- Dennis: Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?
- Dee: Mm-hmm.
- Dennis: Find him attractive?
- Dee: Absolutely.
- Dennis: Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
- Dee: [scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.
- Dennis: Well, I would hope so.
- Dee: And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...
- Dennis: But not all of them?
- Dee: No, not all of them.
- Dee: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
- [audience laughter]
- Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
- Frank: That's what makes it funny!
- Dennis: Tasteless.
- Dee: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
- [makes fart noises]
- Dennis: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.
[Dee preforming on stage]
- Dee: So I decided to stop showering.
- Frank: Ha-ha!
Gun Fever Too: Still Hot [9.2]
The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award [9.3]
- Mac: Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I would like to recommend to first-timers our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise. People say it's better than an orgasm.
- Dennis: Not that he's ever had one.
- Mac: I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms! I've had one with your mom, dude! I will strangle you, I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!
- Customer: Hi, can I get a drink?
- Mac: Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than bustin' a nut.
- Customer: Excuse me?
- Mac: Bustin' a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowin' your load.
- Dennis: Oh, God.
- Mac: He said it was a funny joke. [pointing to Dennis]
- Dennis: Well, no... Hold on.
- Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
- Dennis: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
- Mac: Sorry. We jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
- Dennis: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
- Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
- Dennis: You don't jizz.
- Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
- Dennis: No, ma'am, I think what...
- Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
- Dennis: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
- Dee: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm. [Laughs]
- Dennis: Holy shit, you're late.
- Mac: She was late.
- Dennis: Go back in your light.
- Charlie: got it! I got it! Got what? The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song. It's amazing. Get with the program.
- Dee: Yes, Charlie, please. We're all clamoring to hear.
- Charlie: Whoa, they say "The world's your oyster" Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me. You're the belle of the ball But you ain't my cup of tea. They always vote you best in Show But this doggie disagrees. 'Cause I like life In Paddy's Pub...There's a place for me It's the place I go Where the beer is cheap, and the lights are low It's Paddy's Pub. I like Paddy's Pub. Let the record show The greatest place to go Is that bar called Paddy's Pub. [Harmonica playing]. I like life at Paddy's Pub.
- Dee: [Sigh]
- Mac: What's wrong, Dee? Oh, nothing. Let me guess-- boyfriend troubles? This guy doesn't know what he's got. He's really ugly, too.
- Guy at the bar: I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
- Mac: Yeah. I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.
- Dee: Okay, he's not ugly, all right? That wouldn't make any sense. That's-that... He's not ugly.
- Mac: Dude's a total tool, too.
- Dee: You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother.
- Mac: [Chokes Dee] What?! Don't talk shit about my mom!
[Charlie after getting high on spray paint]
- Charlie: Attention, attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub. I'm a singer.
- Mac: Charlie's doing the song. The song was light. The song was light. That'll lighten things up. Do the song, dude, do the song.
- Dennis: Please enjoy this song.
- Charlie: There is a spider, spider Spider. He's deep in my soul, soul. He's lived here for years Years. He just won't let go. He's laying around. He's got a mean bite. Now he's ready To fight...And stand up for what he knows...I don't need your trophies or your gold I just want to tell you all Go fuck yourselves...
- Z: [laughing] Oh, shit.
- Charlie: Go fuck yourselves...[spits] Ooh, wah-ooh...
- Mac: Is he spitting? Is he spitting? Oh, he's spitting at them. Is that the sign?
- Dennis: That's the sign. Spit! Spit! [The Gang spits on the crowd]
- Charlie: All right, I'm sold. I'm in.
- Mac: Of course you're buying it, because you're as big of an idiot as she is. You're getting scammed, Dee!
- Dee: It's not a scam!
- Dennis: You walked into a room that you could have walked out of with a free set of golf clubs, but instead you got got.
- Mac: Hey, I say we get ourselves a new pair of golf clubs, huh?
- Dennis: Yeah, well, we won't get got though. We gonna get. See, Dee, people like us, we don't get got. We go get.
- Mac: That's right. You won't see us getting scammed.
- Dennis: No way. (laughs)
Mac Day [9.5]
- Frank: Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.
- Dennis: What?! Yes, he looks like...Look at that.
- Charlie: His name is Mac.
- Dennis: No, we don't know his name.
- Charlie: We don't know it. Oh.
- Dee: His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys.
- Charlie: That's what it was-- Rudy.
- Dennis: We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.
- Frank: Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit suicide. Suicide is badass.
The Gang Saves the Day [9.6]
[Outro song to a TV show Dee is imagining]
- Singer: Life's a lot of trouble. House is a mess. Life as a single parent is full of stress. Makes you want to put a gun in your mouth or get real high. With a little help, I think we'll just get by.