Beavis and Butt-head (season 5)

Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. Season five originally aired from 31 October 1994 to 12 October 1995.

Pilots • Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Sequel film • Album • Main

"Held Back" [5.01]

[in a kindergarten class]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. These chicks are flat.

Kindergarden teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?

Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: There's, like, too many of 'em and stuff.

Kindergarten Teacher: [to Principal McVicker] Either get these two imbeciles out my class, or get yourself a new kindergarten teacher!

Principal McVicker: Star pupils? My ass! These two are morons!

Wilson Elementary Principal: You just weren't reaching them. They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school. Their young minds need room to grow, so we graduated them early. And they're not coming back. [walks off]

Butt-head: [to McVicker] You just weren't reaching us, dude.

Beavis: Yeah, and if you try reaching for us, I'll kick you in the nads!

McVicker: Oh, for crying out loud!

[in the 8th grade]

Butt-head: So, have you ever like been with an older man? [laughs]

Girl: [creeped out] Leave me alone, you loser.

Beavis: [laughs] Loser.

'Butt-head'; Shut up, dillhole! [slaps Beavis]

'Beavis; Aah! Butthole!

"Killing Time" [5.02]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think I might throw up.

Butt-head: Cool. That might like, take some time.

Beavis: [leans over and gags, then coughs] …I can't do it.

Butt-head: [gags as well] Uh…me neither. And there's like, an hour and a lot of minutes before something cool's on t.v. Time sucks.

Butt-head: [holding an empty garbage can] Now remember the rules, Beavis. I throw it at you, then you throw it at me.

Beavis: Um, I don't get it. How do you win? [is hit in the head with the can, and falls over]

Butt-head: [laughs] That was cool.

Beavis: What do we do now?

Butt-head: Uh…we could do homework.

[both laugh]

Stewart: Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Stewart can like, kill some time.

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Say something, Stewart.

Stewart: Really? You wanna talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Let's go to the mall, I know this great new place-

Butt-head: [interrupting] This sucks.

Beavis: Yeah. [both get up and leave]

Stewart: [not realising they have left] We could go to my house. I have this awesome new video game.

"Beard Boys" [5.03]

[the duo are watching a movie with a woman and a bearded man in bed together]

Woman on TV: Oh Steve, my career as a leading molecular biologist seems so far away.

Man: Yea, but I'm not.

Woman: Damn you're smooth. Oooooohhhhh!

Butt-head: Whoa! We gotta get us one of those!

Beavis: What, a testicular biologist?

Butt-head: No, dumbass, a beard. We don't score because chicks don't think we're manly enough.

Butt-head: You know what they say, Beavis, when you walk the walk you gotta…uhhh, talk, too.

Beavis: What's that mean?

Butt-head: It means we gotta hit on the chicks, assmunch. Otherwise, they'll just think we're, like, all looks. Check out those chicks over there!

Beavis: Hey, baby.

Butt-head: Hey, baby. Check out our beards.

Beavis: Damn, we're smooth.

Kimberly: We're gonna call the cops if y'all don't leave us alone.

Butt-head: That sucked.

Beavis: Yeah.

repeated line

Beavis: Damn, we're/you're smooth.

"Choke" [5.04]

Man on TV: Oi! I got me finger stuck in me bum!

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Man on TV: Ahoy! I should never have listened to that little Dutch boy by the dike.

[Beavis and Butt-head stop laughing momentarily]

Man on TV: And now I got me finger stuck in me bum.

[Beavis and Butt-head laugh again, then the latter starts to choke]

Butt-head: [choking] Beavis?

Beavis: Yeah, Butt-head?

Butt-head: I'm…[gasps]…I'm…[gasps again]…I'm…

Beavis: Agh, I hate this stupid game. [Butt-head grabs Beavis's throat] Agh ahg! Uhh, choking, your choking? [Butt-head knods, points to the box of chicken nuggets on the couch] Uh, chicken? Your choking your chicken? [Butt-head nods] So what do you want me to do about it?

Butt-head: [choking] Beavis! I'm choking!

Beavis: Oh, yeah? What do you want me to do about it?

Butt-head: Call 911!

Beavis: Why don't you call? You're closer.

Butt-head: You're closer, dumbass.

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

911 operator: What's the emergency? [Beavis laughs] Is there an emergency, sir?

Beavis: Uh, yeah, Butt-head's choking. Heh heh, on chicken.

911 operator: Listen carefully, have you performed the Heimlich?

Beavis: Uhm, is this, like, one of those 976 numbers? Uh, what are you wearing?

911 operator: I repeat, have you heimliched the victim?

Beavis: Have I licked his rectum? Heh, no way! But uh, one time me and Butt-head were playing truth or dare, and uh…

911 operator: Sir, please! If you want to save your friend's life, you need to perform the Heimlich manœuver.

Beavis: [looks down at Butt-head] Uhm…heh, he's not really my friend.

Boys playing basketball: [to a boy taking a foul shot] Choke! Choke! Choke! Choke! Choke! Choke!

Beavis: [joining in] Yeah, yeah, choke! Choke!! [remembering Butt-head is choking] Uhh…nachos, yeah, nachos.

"Safe House" [5.05]

Todd: Get the door, you turds. And remember: act dumb. Oh, and bring some of those marshmallow crackers next time, or I'll stomp a mudhole in your ass!

[the boys look at the two police officers at their doorstep via the peephole]

Butt-head: Whoa. Todd's even cooler than we thought. [opens door]

Police officer #1: We're looking for a person named Todd.

Beavis: Uh, he's not here. Uh huh huh.

Police officer #1: That's not what I heard from.

Butt-head: Uh, sirs. I'm afraid I have to kick your ass. Huh huh.

Beavis: And I will kick you in the nads.

[the police drag the boys out the door and arrest them]

Butt-head: Ow! Cut it out! Don't make me kick your ass!

Beavis: Don't make me kick you in the nads!

"Hard Sell" [5.06]

Butt-head: Huh huh…number one…

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah…tinkleh tinkleh tinkle!

"Walkathon" [5.07]

Stewart: Socko's great.

Butt-head: Uh, huh, huh, huh…Socko has a hand up his butt.

"Temporary Insanity" [5.08]

Butt-head: [sitting on the photocopier] Would you like a copy of my butt?

"Dude, a Reward" [5.09]

"Walking Erect" [5.10]

Butt-head: Do have any big dogs?

Zookeeper: Wild animals only.

Butt-head: Uh, do have any woodpeckers? Huh huh huh. Woodpeckers.

"Career Day" [5.11]

[Beavis and Butt-head, working as security guards of the mall, questioning the customer]

Butt-head: Did you pay for that, ma'am?

Female shopper: Yes.

Butt-head: May I see your receipt, please?

Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh. May I see your slit?

Female shopper: [insulted] Excuse me?

Butt-head: Uhh…could we, like, rescue?

Female shopper: I don't think so!

[the security guard arrives at the scene]

Security guard: What are you doing with your jobs? Let me handle this! [to customer] Did you purchase that, ma'am?

Female shopper: Yes, I did!

Security guard: [embarrassed with shame] I apologize, ma'am, for misunderstanding. It was just a cavity search. [laughs nervously]

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heh heh heh.

[furiously, the shopper slapped the security guard in the face]

Female shopper: Ugh! White trash, lousy officer, piece of… [sighs in disgust, walks away]

[the security guard began to laugh stupidly as Beavis and Butt-head laughs with him]

Butt-head: Security is cool.

"Plastic Surgin'" [5.12]

Butt-head: Hey, we could do that so that we could get bigger thingies.

Beavis: [looks down his shirt] Mine are big enough already. Heh, it's not worth the risk.

Butt-head: Not bigger boobs, dumbass; like, we could get bigger wieners.

Butt-head: We're gonna need bigger hands.

"Take a Number" [5.13]

"Beaverly Buttbillies" [5.14]

[digging for oil in their yard]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We're in a hole.

Beavis: Oh, yeah. Hole. [Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel] Hey, Butt-head! Butt-head! I just, like, felt something.

Butt-head: [thinking he meant a boner] Uh…okay.

Beavis: Oh, yeah. Wait, no, no. I mean, I felt something, like, with my shovel. Come here, check it out. [bangs on the pipe with his shovel, makes a hole in it; sewage starts coming out] It's oil! It's oil, Butt-head! We've struck oil! It's oil!

Butt-head: Cool! A bubbling crude.

Beavis: Yeah. Oil, that is.

Butt-head: Black gold.

Beavis: Texas tea.

Butt-head: [smelling it] Ugh! Oil smells like turds.

Beavis: Yeah. I bet that's why it's so expensive.

"Tainted Meat" [5.15]

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, put that away. You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking.

Beavis: Oh…oh yeah. [angry customer drives away]

Butt-head: Err, can I take your order?

Butt-head: Uhh…what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?

Beavis: My thingie itches. It's like the wrong color or something…check it out.

Butt-head: Uhh…no thanks, Beavis.

Beavis: [continuing to scratch his pubic area] Ow, rrr, ehh! Ahh!

News reporter: An outbreak of tainted meat has struck the local Burger World, and once again raised the question of how meat should be handled.

Butt-head: Huhuhuh…ask the expert.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! [continues scratching]

News reporter: Pending a health inspection, Burger World will remain closed.

Beavis: This sucks!

Butt-head: Yeah! We lost our jobs!

Beavis: No! My weiner still itches!

Butt-head: Face it, Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.

Beavis:Yeah, I'll just…wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.

Butt-head: Life is hard, Beavis.

"Stewart Moves Away" [5.16]

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching a pay-per-view program on Stewart's t. v.]

Announcer: Warning. The following feature presentation is not rated. It contains scenes of full frontal nudity and extreme violence. Viewer discretion is advised.

Beavis and Butt-head: Yes!

Beavis: Yes!

Butt-head: Discretion is cool.

Beavis: Pay-per-view rules. It rules!

Beavis: Stewart's dad's dirty magazines.

Butt-head: We've torn out all the pages with butts on them, but there's still plenty of good boobs left.

[Stewart and his parents arrived back home, but seen everything broke.]

Beavis: How's it going?

Stewart's Dad: Beavis? Butt-Head? What happened?! Where's the couch?! Where's the t. v.?!

Butt-Head: Uhh, the movers took it dude.

Stewart's Dad: OHHHH!! Movers?! You idiots! We've been robbed!

Butt-Head: Robbed? We were here all day. We didn't see any robbers.

Stewart: You guys are in big trouble.

"Top o' the Mountain" [5.17]

Butt-head: Beavis, I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good.

"Party" [5.18]

Bum: [to Butt-head] Do you have any spokisus?

"Wet Behind the Rears" [5.19]

[Beavis and Butt-head are watching various sport activities]

Butt-head: Pole-vaulters. Baton Passers. Javelin throwers. [a javelin hits Beavis's hand; Beavis screams] Whoa. [Butt-head removes javelin from Beavis] You dumbass. I'd warn you.

Buzzcut: [blows whistle] All right, men! Hit the showers! Now! [Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

[in the showers]

Buzzcut: Where in the hell do you think you're going?

Butt-head: Uhhh…to class?

Beavis: Umm…yeah, yeah, to class—me, too.

Buzzcut: Maybe you didn't hear me when I told you to hit the showers!

Butt-head: Uhh, we thought you were, like, talking to somebody else?

Buzzcut: I was talking to everybody!

Butt-head: But, like, uhh…we didn't sweat.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's all the same, sir, um, I'd just like to wait till I get home to take a shower. That'll be great.

Buzzcut: Look at you boy! You're covered in crap!

Beavis: Uhmmm…that was last week. This is blood, sir.

Buzzcut: Name of this class is Physical Education! And that includes proper personal hygiene! Hit the showers now, or fail!

Butt-head: Uhhh…well, it looks kinda crowded in there.

Buzzcut: Do I have to undress you myself, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Uh, no?

Beavis: No?

Beavis: This sucks. I hate taking showers.

Butt-head: Yeah, I don't want some naked dudes standing with a schlong right next to me.

Beavis: Yeah, really! I don't want some naked dude standing next to me with his schlong slinging around saying, "Hey, good game, man."

Butt-head: And you better not look at me, fart-knocker, or I'll kick your ass.

Beavis: You look at me, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Guy: Hey, Beavis and Butt-head, are you guys gonna finally take a shower?

Butt-head: Uhhh…ummm…hey, dude.

Guy: I've never seen you guys take a shower before.

Butt-head: Uhhh…yeah.

Guy: How come you guys never take a shower?

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, it's all clear.

Guy: Hey, Beavis, can you help me with this? [Beavis screams]

Buzzcut: I am beginning to wonder if you boys have ever taken a shower in your lives. What in the hell do you think you're doing with your underwear still on?

Beavis: Um, we don't want anybody looking at our nads.

Butt-head: Yeah, are you one of those gym teachers that likes to hang out and watch dudes in the shower?

Buzzcut: Damn iit, boys, you have pushed me to the limit! You're not getting out of it this time! I'm gonna tear your— [fire alarm goes off] That's the fire alarm! Now hurry up and get out of here!

Butt-head: Dude, we have been saved by the power supreme.

Beavis: Yeah, fire drills rule.

Buzzcut: Are you deaf? That's the fire alarm! Get the hell out of here now!

Butt-head: Uhhh…we're just gonna, like, get dressed first.

Beavis: We'll be right out. See you later.

Buzzcut: That is a fire alarm! That means the school may be burning down! Now, if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna personally grab you by the grundies and drag you outside in front of the entire student body! So get the hell out! Now!

[next to the entrance]

Butt-head: Uhhh…uhhh…

Buzzcut: Get out there before I drag you out! [Beavis and Butt-head go outside]

Girl: Hey, look, it's Beavis and Butt-head! [every student outside starts to laugh at Beavis and Butt-head in their undies; inside, Principal McVicker is seen holding down the fire alarm switch]

McVicker: Uhhh…good job!

Buzzcut: Too bad! Another minute and they might have been naked! [Buzzcut and McVicker laugh]

McVicker: Yeah. Look at them.

"Bad Dog" [5.20]

Narrator on t.v.: We'll be right back with more of the life cycle of the dung beetle right after this.

Butt-head: Huh, huh, huh. Dung.

Beavis: Yeah. Dung.

Dog on t.v.: It's cold in here.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, that dog just talked.

Butt-head: He did not, dumbass.

Dog on t.v.: Won't you please take me into your nice, warm home?

Butt-head: See, his lips aren't moving.

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

Butt-head: He's, like, communicating tele-pathetically.

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

V.O. announcer: Every year, we kill thousands of dogs like the ones you see here, just because they weren't adopted in time. We don't like to do it, but we have to. It's the law.

Butt-head: Whoa.

V.O. announcer: Adopt a dog now, before it's too late.

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Beavis: Yeah. Those dung beetles are pretty cool.

Butt-head: Dumbass.

Butt-head: Our dog's gonna be cool. We'll have to, like, teach him to do cool tricks and stuff.

Beavis: Yeah. Sit, boy. Sit. Sit. Sit or I'll kick your ass. Yeah.

Butt-head: That's not a cool trick. A cool trick is, like, to teach him to, like, bite stuff.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Bite, bite, bite. Bite everything. Yeah.

Butt-head: We're gonna teach him to, like, bite stuff that sucks.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.

Animal shelter worker: You do know what a dog like this eats?

Butt-head: Uhh…garbage.

Animal shelter worker: If your dog goes to the bathroom in the house, what do you do?

Beavis: [fending off the dog in the background] Rub his nose in it.

Butt-head: Uhh…I'd kick his ass.

Beavis: Rub his nose in it, then kick his ass.

"Lightning Strikes" [5.21]

T.V. voiceover: You're watching PBS.

Butt-head: He said "B.S."

Beavis: But first he said "pee."

[both look in amazement at the documentary, and the lightning outside]

Butt-head: Get the kite, Beavis.

"Dream On" [5.22]

[Beavis dreams that he's on Kung Fu]

Beavis: But, Master, does not the fire needs water, too? Does not the mountain needs the storm? Does not your scrotum needs kicking?

[Butt-head dreams that he's on Star Trek: The Next Generation]

Butt-head: Number 1, I order you to take a Number Two.

Beavis: Aye-aye, Captain.

[Butt-head dreams he's on The Oprah Winfrey Show, surrounded by women, with the headline, "Butt-head: Sleeps With Chicks"]

Oprah: Butt-head, you've slept with over 5,000 women. How do you explain the attraction to you?

Butt-head: Uh…just look at me!

[Butt-head dreams that he is on The Brady Bunch, his face is in a square alongside the three girls]

Butt-head: [chorus] Here's the story of a guy named Butt-head, who was horny for three very lovely girls…

[Beavis's face in a square pops up]

Beavis: [chorus] Then along came a guy named Beavis, he was horny, too.

"Candy Sale" [5.23]

Buzzcut: All right, losers: remember, you're competing against other classes, and I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose!

Mr. Candy: They're a real bargain at only $2 each. Heck, they practically sell themselves! Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world—

Butt-head: [mockingly] Blah blah blah blah blaaah bluhhh-ehhh!

Beavis: [in imitation] Blaaaah-blaaaah, heck, they practically sell themselves, ehhhh!

Mr. Candy: Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls. Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say when a customer says "no"?

Butt-head: Uhhhh, I'd say, "Blah blah blah blah blah-leuuuh-luh!"

Beavis: [in imitation again] Blah blah blah blah, what do you say when a customer says no? You seem to know it all! Blah blah blah-blah-blah-blah!

Butt-head: Uh, our school's making us sell candy.

Beavis:Yeah, we're losers.

Mr. Anderson: What in the hell kind of sales approach is that? You boys couldn't sell a dollar for 50 cents.

Butt-head: They're two dollars, butt-munch.

Beavis: Yeah! Don't try to rip us off!

Butt-head: Hey beavis. He said what's in your pocket.

Beavis: He's a pocket fisherman.

Mr. Candy: Oh no, you're not gonna pull that on me again! It took me six months to get another job. [grabs Beavis] Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp!

Beavis: Ahhh! He's trying to touch my wiener! Let go, pervert!

Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis!

Mr. Candy: [grabs Butt-head as well] You too, you little farter!

Buzzcut: [enters] What in the hell are you doing?! This is my class, I do the ass-kicking around here!

Mr. Candy: Wait your turn, Jarhead! [slaps Buzzcut; Buzzcut's face turns red with anger]

Buzzcut: You just made a fatal mistake, Mr. Candy-ass! I hope you're familiar with a little hand to hand combat!

Mr. Candy: Oh, you're going down, soldier boy! [tries to hit him, but Buzzcut brutally kicks him in the head]

Beavis: Kick 'em, kick 'em!

Butt-head: Kick 'em in the butt.

Beavis: Kick 'em in the nads!

"Animation Sucks" [5.24]

Butt-head: Hey let's like, draw more people getting killed. That way we can make a total massacre.

Beavis: Yeah, massacre! Massacre!

Beavis: So like, in animation you have to draw tons of dead people just to end up with two dead people?!

Butt-head: Animation sucks!

"What's the Deal" [5.25]

"The History of Women" [5.26]

Mr. Van Driessen: Okay, let's see, who hasn't gone yet? Beavis! Are you ready to inspire us with your report?

Butt-head: [awakens Beavis by slapping him] You're next, dillhole!

Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis! Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most!

Beavis Um…oh yeah…okay.

Mr. Van Driessen: Go ahead! Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female!

Beavis: Oh yeah! Um, uh…oh yeah. My mom!

Butt-head: You wuss.

Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's.

Butt-head: The woman I admire most, is…uh…Beavis's mom.

"To the Rescue" [5.27]

"I Dream of Beavis" [5.28]

"Pregnant Pause" [5.29]

Woman on t.v.: It couldn't be morning sickness. What about these cravings? My God! I better not be pregnant!! Jake, get me some nachos!

Woman in store: [to her pregnant friend] Girl, I can't believe you went and got yourself pregnant.

Beavis: You can get yourself pregnant?! Aaagghh! [takes pregnancy test from woman] Gimme one of those!

Butt-head: What's up with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.

Beavis: Aaagghh!

Beavis: The chick said it changes colour if your pregnant so, [reads French instructions] "Esay la Peesee la Pregwa"…okay…[tries sticking the test tube in his belly button]…maybe it goes in here…

[afterwards]

Beavis: [mutters] It better not change color. [whizzes on pregnancy test tube] It turned yellow! Aaaahh!! No!!

"Here Comes the Bride's Butt" [5.30]

Butt-head: I just realized something. Being married would suck. You'd just hang around with the same person all the time, and say all the same dumb stuff over and over again. That would suck.

Beavis: Heh, yeah.

Tom Anderson: [to his wife] Hold my hand, honeybunch.

Butt-head: [to Beavis] Pull my finger, buttmunch.

Beavis: This music sucks!

Butt-head: Yeah…I wonder when the bride chick's gonna be here…

"Screamers" [5.31]

Butt-head: Screaming rules!

Mr. Anderson: Hello, police? This here is Tom Anderson, 4120 Woodrow Court. There's two hoodlums who came by my doorstep and started screaming bloody murder. Hell, I don't know if they're armed.

[the cop has just discovered Beavis and Butt-head screaming in front of him]

Cop: All right, you little punks, I got ya. [Beavis and Butt-head scream as he grabs the two by their necks] Go ahead and scream all you want. Do you like this, huh? Do you like people screaming?! [continues screaming in Beavis and Butt-head's ear] Now damn it, the last thing I need to deal with are a couple of noise vandals like you! You see, when I hear people screaming, it usually means there's trouble! But if not, It's just like the little brat who cried wolf and someday when there really is trouble, I'm not gonna help you! [let's go Beavis and Butt-head] Now, if there's trouble, all you have to do is call. Here's my number. And if you want to scream, you can scream all you want inside your own home. [turns red-faced and screams in the duo's ears] Just don't do it out here! [lets go of Beavis and Butt-head] Now get your asses home.

[Beavis and Butt-head continue screaming outside awakening two neighbors, who think the other is screaming]

Man: Shut the hell up; my kids are trying to sleep.

Woman: Why the hell you stop screaming? You're not helping.

Man: Oh, yeah! Why don't you scream the hell of it?

Woman: Oh, yeah! How would you like me to kick your ass?

"Beavis, Can You Spare a Dime?" [5.32]

Bum: What's the best city in the world? Generocity!

"Skin Trade" [5.33]

"Oil Change" [5.34]

[Beavis and Butt-head walk up to a mechanic at an auto shop]

Butt-head: Uh…we need to change the oil.

Beavis: Yeah, if you could just change it while we wait, that would be fine.

Mechanic: Okay, pull your car in.

Butt-head: Uh, car?

Beavis: Yeah, what do we need a car for?

Mechanic: Well, how the hell am I supposed to change the oil if you don't have a car?

"Buttniks" [5.35]

[Beavis and Butt-head walk until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club]

Butt-head: Whoa, check it out.

Beavis: Yeah.

Female beatnik:

"You touch me, I shiver

Your tongue, I quiver

My loins, my liver

I, the taker; you, the giver"

Butt-head: Whoa. I've got something to give her.

Beavis: Yeah.

Female beatnik: Did you like my poem?

Butt-head: Uh…your what?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Your loins, your liver!

Female beatnik: There's plenty more inside.

Butt-head: Cool.

Omar: [on stage] "And then, my friend, you die. [louder] And then, my friend, you die, man! And then… [gasps] …my friend."

[scattered applause]

Beavis: You die! Yeah.

Omar: Thank you.

Butt-head: That was cool.

Cafe Owner: Thank you, Omar. Is there anyone who'd like to read now? Any new blood?

Butt-head: [to Beavis] Check this out. [to everyone] Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.

Cafe Owner: What's your name, young brother?

Butt-head: Uh…Butt-head.

Cafe Owner: Cool. Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.

Butt-head: Yeah.

[scattered applause]

Butt-head: Groove with me, people. [chuckles] This is gonna be cool.

Beavis: [walks up to a male beatnik at a table] Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.

Male beatnik: Yeah, man, take a load off.

Beavis: [chuckles] Take a load.

Butt-head: Check this out. Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! [pounds table]

Butt-head: Uh…okay. Here's—

Waiter: [to Beavis and male beatnik] Hi, what can I bring you guys?

Beavis: Um…

Butt-head: [in background] Here I sit—

Male beatnik: Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one, too, right?

Butt-head: The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger. So, look out, butt, here comes my finger. [audience groans] And then, my friend, you die.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! You die! [pounds table]

Butt-head: That was cool.

[waiter hands Beavis and male beatnik their drinks]

Beavis: Um…um…

Male beatnik: Try it, man, come on. It's—it's cappuccino.

Beavis: [chuckles] Crappuccino? Crappuccino. [chuckles] Yeah. [takes a sip]

Butt-head: [in background] Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

Male beatnik: Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.

Beavis: Wahhh! Copasetic, copasetic! Gimme that. [snatches other drink and downs it]

Butt-head: [in background] This is a pee-pee—no.

Waiter: Hi, more cappuccino?

Beavis: I need crappuccino for my bunghole! Gimme that! [chittering; snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all]

Butt-head: [in background] Uh, I'll tell that one later. [Beavis speaks gibberish] There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her—

Cafe owner: [pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines] Thanks, thanks, kid. That was organic. Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.

Beavis: [has his shirt over his head, jumps up from table; chittering] I am Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! [runs into another table] Ah, hey. Are you threatening me? I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole. [snatches drink] Bungholio, bungholio. [slurping]

Beavis: [onstage, gibbering incoherently] I am Cornholio! I need t.p. for my bunghole! I want all your crappuccino!

Butt-head: [sitting at table with male beatnik and another man] Do it, brother Beavis.

Beavis: Are you threatening me?! You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole. My bunghole, it goes bungo. Tungo, tungo, tungo. Tungo! Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. And one for you. Parrrrr! [gulps]

Man: [to Butt-head] Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university. Your friend is, uh, unusual. What is he? Hispanic? Russian?

Butt-head: Uh…yeah. He's Russian. [chuckles]

Man: Uh…hmm. Amazing energy. I'd love to see his portfolio.

Beavis: Portfolio? Holio, holio! Arriba, arriba, yeah. I come from Lake Titicaca.

Male beatnik: Hey, man, you've been holding out on us. Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?

Beavis: Would you like to see my portfoilo? I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.

Waiter: Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.

Beavis: [gibbering]

Beavis: [groaning onstage, the caffeine having worn off, hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whinges] Hey, how's it going? Oh, yeah. Um, roses are—no. Um…heh. Oh, I know. Uh…here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter— You got a quarter?

Man: Well, his fifteen minutes of fame are over. I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.

Male beatnik: Wait, I want more. Man, he's not done. [to waiter] Alphons, bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.

Beavis: Quarter, pay the dime…

[Waiter hands Beavis his drink]

Male beatnik: Yeah, leave the pot.

Beavis: Oh, thanks. Yeah. [slurps drink] Yep. [slurps from coffee pot] Mmm. [gibbering incoherently] Yeah! [pulls shirt over head] I am the great Cornholio! You have awaken my bunghole! And now you must pay! [chittering] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers! [chuckles] That would be cool. [gibbering]

"Bang the Drum Slowly Dumbass" [5.36]

Mr. Van Driessen: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.

Butt-head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.

Beavis: Yeah, heh, I usually win.

Butt-head: [bangs the drum] This sucks. [bangs it again] Uh….this sucks. [bangs it some more] This sucks.

Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.

Beavis: Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!

Beavis: [beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]

Mr. Van Driessen: Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.

Beavis: Yeah, hehe, it's like, it's like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won't let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!

Other dude 1: We feel your male pain.

Beavis: I feel like I’m never gonna score! And chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!

Other dude 2: I can identify with that…I guess.

Beavis: And sometimes I just wanna, like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna, like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!

Butt-head: That would be cool.

Beavis: It's like I know they're naked inside there, and I just can't stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and, like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria, too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal's office, and bulldoze the principal's office, too! EHEHEHEH!

Other dude 1: I think someone's inner warrior needs to go back to basic training…

Beavis: Things will never turn out they way they—!

Mr. Van Driessen: [interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]

Beavis: [beats his hand away] NEVER!

Other dude 3: Someone take that damn drum away from him!

Other dude 2: What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?

Other dude 1: You know, the guys at the gym were right, you are a pantywaist.

Other dude 3: And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!

Beavis: [beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!

Beavis: [tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is] I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end loader and a combine. and um…a getaway car and some rubbers. Only then will I score. Butt-head?

"Another Friday Night" [5.37]

Butt-head: Whoa, the cops are here. Maybe they're gonna shoot somebody.

"Tired" [5.38]

[Beavis and Butt-head are jumping on the bells at the gas station]

Gas station worker: Quit jumping on my bells, you punks, or I'll give you something to jump about.

Butt-head:Uh, Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls"?

Beavis: "Quit jumping on my balls"!

Gas station worker: Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.

[the duo head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle; they see a tire]

Butt-head: Whoa! Poop poop. That's the biggest tire I ever saw.

[Beavis's ride in the tire causes not only a car crash, but also makes Todd spill a small drop of beer onto his jeans]

Todd: Aw, damn it! My good jeans.

[Beavis then hits a car on cinder blocks, owned by a redneck couple, killing the man underneath; Butt-head soon follows up]

Redneck woman: Hey! If you step on my property again, I'll shoot your ass!

Todd: [arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans] You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!

Butt-head: Do you want me to kick Beavis's ass for you?

Todd: That won't be necessary, man.

"Close Encounters" [5.39]

Spelling: Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.

Butt-head: Yeah, my butt.

Spelling: And Beavis, is that what you feel?

Butt-head: Beavis feels himself.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!

Butt-head: [thinking] You will get the chick across from you. You will see her thingies. It is going to be cool.

"Womyn" [5.40]

Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis! We've got a room full of chicks here who do it for free, and all you can think about is why there aren't more guys here?!
Beavis: Ummm, yea, hehheh.
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm a little dissapointed in you!

"Premature Evacuation" [5.41]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.

Butt-head: Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.

"Whiplash" [5.42]

Beavis: I was like, aghh!! My leg!! Uh, I mean, aghh!! My neck!!

"Spare Me" [5.43]

Girl 2: We'll take you for a ride.

"Patsies" [5.44]

Mr. Buzzcut: For today's positive activity you're gonna wash my wagoneer!

Patsy: Umm, that's not what my dad said we're gonna do.

Mr. Buzzcut: Your dad's not here, boy! And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna positively kill you!

Butt-head: Heh heh heh heh, "wood."

Beavis: Heh heh, "boner!"

"Murder Site" [5.45]

Butt-head: [about the place where the guy killed his brother] It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.

Beavis: Hey don't call me "buttknocker," Butt-head. I'm serious.

Butt-head: Uhh... I wonder why that dude killed his brother?

Beavis: Yeah. He must have been really pissed.

Butt-head: That's no excuse, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh. I guess his brother probably, like, stole his woman or his nachos or something.

[later…]

Butt-head: Buttknocker.

Beavis: DAMN IT!!! STOP CALLING ME "BUTTKNOCKER"!!!

Butt-head: Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!

Beavis: [angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head: Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!

Beavis: [calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]

Butt-head: [scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool… So,uh… where do you think he killed him?

Beavis: Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head: Oh, yeah.

Beavis: Whoa! [walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.

Butt-head: Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.

Beavis: Oh, yeah. [throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [spots a t. v. remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on t. v.

Butt-head: Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!

Beavis: No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!

Butt-head: [climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]

Beavis: Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!

Butt-head: [knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!

Butt-head: [knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?

Beavis: [Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!

Butt-head: Buttknocker…

Beavis: SHUT UP!

Butt-head: Buttknocker…

Beavis: STOP IT!

Butt-head: Buttknocker…

Beavis: I'LL KILL YOU!!!

Police Lieutenant: [barges in] GET HIM!

Beavis: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [growls uncontrollably]

Butt-head: [watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: [to a criminal about Butt-head] He keeps calling me "buttknocker" and he won't stop and IT PISSE ME OFF!!!

[later…]

Butt-head: [pointing to beavis] There he is, the buttknocker in the middle.

"Spanish Fly" [5.46]

Butt-head: Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.

Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!

Butt-head: What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!

Beavis: Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh…

[Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position]

Beavis: Aaahh!! He's got a boner!!

Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

[Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy]

Buzzcut: [whilst tending to Tommy] Beavis, get back here!

Beavis: Let's get outta here before he screws us all! [Beavis and Butt-head walk out]

"Sexual Harassment" [5.47]

Butt-head: Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.

Kimberly: WHAT!?!

Beavis: Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head: Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff….usually harasses me at least once a day.

Beavis: Four or five times for me, sir.

Van Driessen: I think YOU'RE sexually harassing Kimberly.

Beavis: No way! Chicks can't get stiffies!

[Beavis is staring at Kimberly while Joe Adler is pleading Beavis and Butt-head's case of sexual harassment against her]

Beavis: She's doing it again! She's doing it right now!

Judge: What is she doing?

Beavis: She's giving me a stiffy.

Judge: Giving you a what?

Beavis: Heh, you know…boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

Butt-head: [to judge] He has an erection.

"Bus Trip" [5.48]

Butt-head: Let's write big butt on the chalkboard. [Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, "FIELD TRIP TODAY"]

Butt-head: Wait, it's trying to tell us something. [begins to read] "Feel"…"Tit"…err…"Tripe"…"Todd"…

[suddenly…]

Beavis and Butt-head: [running out of school to the bus] Stop the bus! Damn it, stop the bus!

Butt-head: Whoa! That was close!

Beavis: [to Van Driessen] Yeah, next time, tell us, butthole.

Butt-head: I've got a rock formation in my pants.

[Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests]

Dean: Like, "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"?

Van Driessen: Good, Dean. But beer and driving don't mix. How about "99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall"? Or we could try some other arrangement. [cars behind the bus are honking their horns] What's going on? Why's everybody honking?

Beavis: [whilst mooning at other cars] Peek-a-boo!

[after Van Driessen flies through the bus's windshield and off a cliff]

Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool!

Beavis: Yeah!

"Green Thumbs" [5.49]

"Steamroller" [5.50]

Butt-head: Some day, we're gonna have wheels just like Todd.

Beavis: Yeah, then we can, like, drive chicks to school.

Butt-head: You dumbass! If we ever get a car and chicks, we're not going anywhere near a school.

Bill: You're gonna pay for this, Anderson!

Mr. Anderson: Like hell, I am! You're the one who told me to rent from Morgan's. Now get the hell off my property, you son of a bitch!

[Mr. Anderson punches Bill in the chest, sending the latter falling]

Mr. Anderson: And if I ever see that damn dog of yours peeing on my lawn again, I'm gonna shoot both of you!

Cast

Mike Judge—Beavis
Mike Judge—Butt-head
Mike Judge—Coach Buzzcut
Mike Judge—David Van Driessen
Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson
Mike Judge—Principal McVicker
Mike Judge—Thomas T. "Tom" Anderson
Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi

External links

Official website
Beavis and Butt-Head quotes at the Internet Movie Database

Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music video commentary • MTV programming commentary • Feature film • Main