Beavis and Butt-head (music video commentary)
Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011, 2022-present) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It follows the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. Interspersed with the episodes were music videos, viewed and commented on by the two title characters.
Pilots • Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Sequel film • Album • Main
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[edit]- Beavis: Um, is this football?
- Butt-head: Uhhh...no, I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.
- Beavis: No it's not! You know what this is? This is Telemundo! [gibbers in Spanish]
- Butt-head: How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?
- Beavis: 'Cause they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, that's like, all dorky looking. And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That guy's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes, "Aprenda, [Spanish gibberish]."
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I bet he scores constantly!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: You know what I think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like, learn to dance like that. And then, I will score all the time!
- Butt-head: Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff? That would probably work.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Hey baby, ¿quieres buñuelo?
- Butt-head: I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go, "[Spanish gibberish]".
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, they'd like that.
- Beavis: This music kind of sucks.
- Butt-head: This isn't even music, really. This is just, like, that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those 10,000-dollar organs.
- Beavis: Yeah. "How much for your organ, sir?"
- Butt-head: "Uh, that'll be 10,000 dollars, son. Please don't touch it."
3OH!3, "Touchin' on My"
[edit]- Beavis: [Referring to man walking with stereo] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know?
- Butt-head: Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way…
- Beavis: Not a care in the world, you know?
- [The guy is hit by a car]
- Beavis: Whoa!
- Butt-head: Uh… oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.
- [A naked man appears from the front]
- Beavis: There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it.
- Butt-head: It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.
- Beavis: You know, they compliment each other, you know?
- Butt-head: Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe?
- Beavis: See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy.
- Butt-head: Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons.
- Beavis: I bet deaf people hate them too.
- Butt-head: I'm glad these guys found each other.
- Beavis: I wonder how they met.
- Butt-head: They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like "Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band."
- Butt-head: That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office.
- Beavis: Biatch! Yeah, take that! your walls are clean now!
7 Year Bitch, "Hip Like Junk"
[edit]- Beavis: Ohh yeah, yeah, I've seen this before. This chick beats herself in the head later. It's cool.
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah. This is gonna be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. You know what this band is called? It's called 7 Year BITCH!
- Butt-head: It's like, when a band has a name like 7 Year BITCH, it's like, they don't need to be very good.
- Beavis: Yeah. Also, it helps when they're [suave voice] sexy! Ye-eah! Ooh! That's a fine lady! Yeah. These are some fine ladie-aahhhooowwww...sexy!
- Beavis: Uh...okay, here it comes. Here she goes. [lead singer Selene Vigil hits her open hands against her head] YEAH, YEAH! HIT YOURSELF, YEAHH! YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON!
- Butt-head: Yeah. She kinda looks like she got a little special feeling from doing that.
- Selene Vigil: We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
- Butt-head: Uhh...I think this song is supposed to be, like, how we're all, like, stupid and stuff.
- Beavis: Um, what do you mean? You mean, like, like we're stupid, or like, like, everybody's stupid or - or...
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I don't know! I'm not some rocket...uh, some rocketship or something.
- Beavis: Oh.
A
[edit]a-ha, "Take On Me"
[edit]- Beavis: Is this, like, elevator music?
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is, like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
- Butt-head: Why?
- Beavis: 'Cause I have to take a leak.
- Butt-head: Uh… you mean the bathroom, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um… oh yeah, didn't really matter. [Beavis gets up and leaves]
- Butt-head: You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her… epidermis.
- Beavis: Um… OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.
- Beavis: Um… I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis.
- Butt-head: Uh… no. But your epidermis is showing.
- Beavis: Um… what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?
- Butt-head: You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.
- Beavis: Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!
- Beavis: I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [leaves again]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in here! Her pants are hiked up her butt!
- Beavis: Where? Where?!
- Butt-head: Dumbass!
- Butt-head: All right!
- Butt-head: Angus Young is cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. Malcolm is cool, too.
- Beavis: That drummer is old.
- Butt-head: Shut up, fartknocker, he's cool!
- Butt-head: Did Phil Rudd die?
- Beavis: No, peckerwood! That was that Bon Scott.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. He was cool!
- [a clip of a man with a halo is shown]
- Butt-head: That guy is special.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: [singing with Brian Johnson] Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
- Butt-head: Sing it, Beavis!
- Beavis: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!
- Butt-head: Dirty deeds are cool. Hey, Beavis. Have you ever done a dirty deed?
- Beavis: Yeah. I spanked my monkey one time.
- Butt-head: These guys always wear the same clothes. That's cool! Hey. We always wear the same clothes! I've had this shirt on for six months.
- Beavis: I've had this on for seven months.
- Butt-head: YES! This kicks ass!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Brian Johnson looks like he's taking a dump.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's constipated 'cause he's old!
- [Brian Johnson is naked in a bathtub and scrubbing himself]
- Butt-head: He's naked! Don't forget to scrub your wiener!
- [a woman is shown putting on a tight shirt]
- Beavis: Look! Boobs!
- Butt-head: Yeah. I like when chicks wear shirts that are so tight, you can see their boobs. That's cool!
- Butt-head: Wait a minute! What's this? This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah, it sucks!
- Butt-head: Who's this?
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: What's this buttmunch doing on a stage?
- Butt-head: You got a backstage pass, sir?
- Beavis: Yeah! [imitates the lead singer's German accent]
- Butt-head: Where did this guy come from?
- Beavis: Yeah. Maybe he's just special.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Well, he is saying balls, and normally, that would be pretty cool…
- Beavis: Yeah, but under these circumstances, it sucks!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Usually, demolition and destruction is pretty cool, too, but I don't know, it's like, here, it just like…falls flat.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I think even if they had some fire in this video, it would still suck.
- Butt-head: Look! It's Krokus coming to kick their ass. It's The Night of the Living Bands That Suck.
Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting, "All for Love"
[edit]- Beavis: AAAAHHHHH!
- Butt-head: UGGHH!
- Beavis: NO!
- Butt-head: Oh dear Lord!
- Beavis: AAAAAAHHHHHH!
- [the two start vomiting]
- Beavis: Butt-head, my stomach hurts.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, change it. This is, like, making my stomach hurt.
- Butt-head: I think this is, like, the Traveling Wilburys.
- Beavis: The Traveling Dingleberries? I had one of those once, it traveled all over my butt. Come on, Butt-head, change it.
- Butt-head: Okay. I think it's, like, bad for the TV when you, like, play this kind of stuff on it.
- Beavis: Yeah. I think it, like, messes up the tape.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
- See also: Aerosmith, "Deuces Are Wild", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 6.
- [video opens with a group of Catholic school girls skating down a street with hockey sticks; one of them smashes a car window]
- Butt-head: Whoa! These chicks are pretty tough!
- Beavis: Yeah. I didn't know girls were cool.
- [a naked Steven Tyler is shown with his hand on his crotch]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out! Where's his penis?
- Beavis: It's in his hand, where it always is!
- Butt-head: These guys are pretty cool. Even though they're 60.
- Beavis: Yeah. That one guy's 69.
- [Steven Tyler is shown with dreadlocks]
- Butt-head: He looks like Vanilli.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [the two laugh as Joe Perry plays his guitar on a railroad track with a train approaching]
- Beavis: Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Just keep playing!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Everything's cool. [Joe Perry steps off the track just before the train passes] Aogh! That sucked!
- Beavis: Yeah. He should've waited longer.
- [the two laugh as two teenage boys drive a stolen car towards a brick wall]
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Cool! [car crashes, airbags deploy] Aogh! Airbags suck!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [a Catholic school girl sits on her father's lap]
- Butt-head: Joey Buttafuoco!
- Beavis: You said "Buttafuoco."
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. What do you think "Buttafuoco" means?
- Steven Tyler: They'll never see ya leavin' by the back door...
- Butt-head: He said "back door."
- Butt-head: [about Steven Tyler] Dude looks like a lady!
- Butt-head: This is the coolest video I've ever seen in my life.
- Steven Tyler: Speakeasy on the grapevine...
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Steven Tyler: Rag doll, livin' in a movie, hot tramp, daddy's little cutie...
- Butt-head: Beavis, I thought you were daddy's little cutie.
- Beavis: Shut up, bunghole!
"I Stay Away"
[edit]- [video is entirely claymation]
- Beavis: Um...um, is this Alice in Chains?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Beavis: Wow. Boy, they sure look different.
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe it's 'cause they had to, like, you know, clean themselves up, you know, 'cause it's a slow song?
- Beavis: Yeah. I'll buy that.
- Beavis: Remember that time we went to the circus, and we saw that clown? And then I, like, pulled down my pants-- [a woman's nipple is shown] Whoa, check it out! I just saw a nipple, Butt-head, look!
- Butt-head: Where?
- Beavis: It was - it was, like, right at the end of a boob!
- Butt-head: Beavis, that's just a puppet nipple.
- Beavis: Um...uh...no it wasn't! W - what do you mean?
- Butt-head: That's just, like, a chick made out of clay, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um...oh. Yeah yeah, but...she has a nipple on it!
- Butt-head: Beavis, I could go get some clay now and make a boob with a nipple on it. So what?
- Beavis: Um...wait a minute. You have some clay?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Damn. Next time they have those clay projects in school, I'm gonna make a big boob. Yeah. Maybe a butt, too.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Last time, you just made an ashtray. It sucked.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Well, you made a baseball.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Then the teacher called me a lazy turd.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. So then you made that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. But not out of clay.
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. It rules. It rules. IT RULES!!!
- Butt-head: Right on, Beavis.
- Butt-head: These guys are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. It kicks butt! It kicks ass! It kicks ass!
- Butt-head: Rock on, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Rock!
- Butt-head: No Way, they put that dude in a fence.
- Beavis: Fences are cool.
- Butt-head: Especially electric fences.
- Beavis: [chanting] When I was little and had no sense/I took a whiz on an electric fence/It hurt so bad, it shocked my balls/Then I took a crap in my overalls!
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool.
- Butt-head: Uhh!
- Beavis: Ahh!
- Butt-head: Whoa, his eyes are sewn shut.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He must have seen something so horrible, like, his eyeballs melted.
- Butt-head: Maybe he saw that Winger video.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
"Them Bones"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, a baby.
- Butt-head: How did that happen?
Alien Sex Fiend, "Now I'm Feeling Zombified"
[edit]- Butt-head: Cool! Skulls!
- Beavis: Yeah! Skulls kick ass.
- Butt-head: That guy looks pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. He looks cool because he's like, dead.
- Butt-head: It's like, this video looks pretty cool, but the sound sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [Beavis turns the volume all the way down]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's better. [Starts humming metal music]
- Beavis: [Singing along] I'm a zombie/I'm a dead guy/I like to eat people's brains/and um, and like, look at my eyeballs/and I'm a dead guy in a corner/and I'm a zombie."
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis! You should like, be a lead singer.
- Beavis: Yeah! All I need is clown makeup.
- Butt-head: I bet if we like, did that over this video, it would be like, a buzzclip.
- Beavis: Yeah. We're cool.
"Crucify"
[edit]- Tori Amos: I wanna spit in their faces…
- Butt-head: She's gonna spit on someone?
- Beavis: Yeah! Go for it!
- Butt-head: That would be pretty cool.
- Tori Amos: I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth…
- Butt-head: Is that Dave Mustaine?
- Beavis: Yeah. [imitating Dave Mustaine] I'VE GOT A BOWLING BALL IN MY STOMACH, I GOT A DESERT IN MY MOUTH!
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis.
- Butt-head: How many videos are they gonna make with chicks in a bathtub?
- Beavis: At least if they showed them naked it would be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. How come they never have chicks in showers?
- Beavis: Like in soap commercials. Did you ever see that soap commercial where that chick gets stabbed? [Beavis imitates stabbing movements and Bernard Hermann's score] REE! REE! REE! REE! REE!
- Butt-head: No, buttmunch. That's that movie about those guys in the woods.
- Beavis: They're not in the woods. They're in the shower. [imitates stabbing movements again] REE! REE! REE! REE!
- Butt-head: Is this like, a commercial for VH1?
- Beavis: Yeah. "The difference between you and your parents".
- Butt-head: That's stupid.
"God"
[edit]- [video opens with two rats moving across a wet floor]
- Butt-head: Rats are cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. Somebody better call the Orkin Man. [Tori Amos is holding a candle] Whoa, candle! Candle! Candle! Candle!
- Butt-head: Candles rule.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen those alarm clocks, that they're like, candles, and you stick 'em up your butt?
- Butt-head: Uh, I've never heard of that, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It's like, they have all these times written on the side, and then you light it and sleep on your stomach, and then when it like, burns down to the time, it's like, it's like, it gets on your butt and you go, "AHHHHHH-HHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!" and then you wake up. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: Yeah. I'll show you one, my uncle has a whole bunch of 'em. He usually gives me one for my birthday.
- [Tori Amos is seen playing with rats and snakes]
- Butt-head: This chick is psycho!
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like, she's pretty hot, but it's like, I don't know, man. I'd, like, stay away from her.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, she's got a nice body and everything, but if you went out with her, she'd probably, like, put a rat's head on your bed or something.
- Beavis: That wouldn't be so bad, it's just...she'd probably chop off your wiener, too.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. You don't want to get involved with a chick who has like, a whole bunch of pets.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. They get all psycho!
- See also: Anthrax, "Looking Down The Barrel Of A Gun", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 2.
- Butt-head: The army kicks ass.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Is Anthrax in the army?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that Scott dude is in the army.
- Beavis: Yeah. He has a regulation cut. Like Major Dan.
- Butt-head: Yeah: "Today's army rocks."
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Only the music's a lot cooler. This should, like, be the National Anthem.
- Beavis: Yeah, the National Anthrax.
- Butt-head: Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like, the Judds could come out and go: "I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!"
- Butt-head: That's pretty good, Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.
- [a bomb is shown exploding]
- Beavis: Yes, bombs! Hey, Butt-head, wouldn't that be cool if like, one day we were like, going to school and a bunch of planes dropped a bunch of bombs?
- Butt-head: You dumbass. Bombs would like, hurt and stuff. It's only cool when they drop 'em on CNN.
- Beavis:: Oh yeah. Well, I was just thinking, you know, like, they probably wouldn't have to go to school that day.
Archers of Loaf, "Web in Front"
[edit]- Beavis: Check it out, he's bouncing on his wiener!
- Butt-head: That's a pogo stick, dumbass!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, that looks like that dude who comes by to check the butane.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I saw that guy in my yard once, I thought he was a trespasser, so I started shooting him with my BB gun, and it's like--
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis, those pigs are doing it!
- Beavis: Really? Oh! Yeah. That's cool!
- Beavis: How come that pig can score, and we can't?
- Butt-head: Uh...well, the only reason that pig scored is 'cause he was, like, in a video.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I forgot about that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Like, if pigs had a video...
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Butt-head: and like, we were in that video...
- Beavis: Uh huh, yeah.
- Butt-head: ...then like, we could score.
- Beavis: Hmm. You mean, like, with a pig?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! With a chick in the video!
- Beavis: With a chicken??
- Butt-head: No, Beavis! I'm talking like, about, like, a human chick.
- Beavis: Um, what's that?
- Butt-head: Just a regular chick!
- Beavis: Ohh! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah, th - th - that's pretty cool, yeah.
- Butt-head: What's the deal with this short dude?
- Beavis: Yeah. Really.
- Butt-head: Is he, like, in the band, or is he just, like, some weird dude?
- Beavis: Really. It's like, all these videos now, they like, just get a couple weird dudes, and just like, shake the camera around and just, like, do a bunch of crap.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They need to get back to the basics, like chicks in bikinis and explosions.
- [close-up shot of a woman's breasts]
- Beavis: I wish I had boobs like that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If I had boobs like that, I'd never leave the house.
- Beavis: I'd leave the house so I could go get a mirror, and look at my boobs.
Art of Noise, "Close (To the Edit)"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! He's holding a wiener!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. You know that video about that guy who lost his penis? He should watch this video!
- Butt-head: That's not his penis, Beavis! Uh [chuckles]...his Beavis, penis! Penis, Beavis!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Penis, Beavis, Uranus!
- Beavis: SHUT UP! Shut up, Butt-head! I'll kick your ass!
- Butt-head: Well, at least my name doesn't rhyme with "penis."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Your mom's a slut.
- Butt-head: Beavis, we weren't talking about my mom. We're talking about how your name sounds like "penis."
Art of Noise with Tom Jones, "Kiss"
[edit]- Tom Jones: You don't have to be beautiful...
- Butt-head: Yeah. Really!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Do you think I'm beautiful?
- Butt-head: Prince sure is old.
- Beavis: Yeah. And he's white!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He has that disease, like Michael Jackson.
- Beavis: Yeah. He got it from Prince.
- Tom Jones: You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world...
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Do you have to be, like, cool to rule my world?
- Butt-head: No, you just have to be stupid.
- Tom Jones: ...kiss.
- Butt-head: Kiss this! [Beavis moons the TV screen]
- Beavis: I like that song "Gett Off" better. And "Cream."
- Butt-head: You said "get off." That was cool.
- Butt-head: Hey! This isn't Prince! This is that old guy that stuffs his pants.
- Beavis: Yeah.
B
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa. These chicks rock.
- [Kat Bjelland: Liar.]
- Beavis: Fire?
- [Kat Bjelland: Liar.]
- Beavis: Fire? Fire, fire! Yeah, fire, fire!
- Butt-head: Shut up, assmunch, she said "liar."
- Beavis: Are you calling me a liar?
- Butt-head: No, I'm calling you a waste of bumwipe.
Bananarama, "Venus"
[edit]- Beavis: Is this Wilson Phillips?
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is back when they were cool.
- [Singing along with group]
- Beavis: I'm your Beavis!
- Butt-head: I'm your Venus…um, hey Beavis, what rhymes with "Venus"?
- Beavis: Um…um…venus…Venus Flytrap.
- Butt-head: These chicks should marry GWAR.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That would be cool!
- Butt-head: They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived.
- Beavis: Yeah! And they would rule Antarctica.
- Butt-head: They would rule the entire world.
- [A singer is dressed in a leather devil costume]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Satan's got back!
- Butt-head: Who's this fartknocker?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with him?
- Butt-head: He should like, go to the doctor, and say: "Doctor, I suck! You've gotta help me!"
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, that would be cool.
- Butt-head: AUGH! It's that dude!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's that Boy chick.
- [Phil Collins is seen playing the drums]
- Butt-head: What a dork!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really!
- Butt-head: Oh, I know what this is! This is one of those things where a bunch of rich people get together and ask for money.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's one of those things.
- Butt-head: These are the kind of girls that won't talk to us.
- Beavis: Yeah, these are a bunch of rich chicks.
- Butt-head: Yeah, they're afraid of our love.
Toni Basil, "Mickey"
[edit]- Butt-head: [laughing] What's this? This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah! This is stupid!
- Butt-head: Is this Dire Straits again?
- Butt-head: These cheerleaders are fat.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: This is stupid! Change it.
- Butt-head: No, wait a minute. Check it out.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, change it, this sucks!
- Butt-head: No way!
- Beavis: CHANGE IT, BUTT-HEAD, CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
Battles feat. Gary Numan, "My Machines"
[edit]- [a man begins falling down an escalator]
- Butt-head: Whoa, cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I like watching people fall down on TV! It's funny.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, if he was just falling downstairs, it would be over fast, but with an escalator, it just keeps going.
- Beavis: You know, um, it'd be funnier if he was fat, but you know this is still pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This rules! I could watch this forever.
- Beavis: I don't think he even wants to get up the escalator.
- Butt-head: Maybe if he'd go buy something instead of monkeying around on the escalator, the economy wouldn't suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get off your butt, get off that escalator and go by a Cinnabon! Maybe some Dippin' Dots.
- Beavis: See, see right here during this part, they should be playing some like, uh, some old timey piano music, you know. [Imitates music]
- Butt-head: His kid's probably like "uh… where's daddy with my birthday presents?" He's drunk at the mall again, flailing around on the escalator.
"Pass the Mic"
[edit]- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Beastie Boys! Yeah! Alright!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's about time.
- Beavis: HELL YEAH! HELL YEAH!
- Butt-head: Uh, I heard on MTV News that this dude's dad writes movies.
- Beavis: What do you mean, he writes movies? You can't read a movie!
- Butt-head: No, it's like, he writes what they say.
- Beavis: You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say??
- Butt-head: No he writes it down before they say it!
- Beavis: Well how does he know what they're gonna say??!!
- Butt-head: He just, like, makes it up.
- Beavis: Really? Well anybody can do that!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: So like, if there's an explosion, does he write that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think he just like, writes "kaboom".
- Beavis: How about when like people are like, you know, naked and getting it on?
- Butt-head: Uhh, he just writes "squeak, squeak, squeak, wank".
- Beavis: I'll be damned. Well, anybody could do that! It's like, you know, okay, two dudes go try to like, rob this other dude, and he has this chick and she's got big hooters…see, see? I'm doing it right now.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you're not writing it down.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, here it is!
- Butt-head: It's about time!
- Beavis: It's on, Butt-head, it's on!
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis, now shut up!
- Beavis: Okay. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and watch. [hums the main riff]
- ["The Chief" kicks through a steel gate]
- Beavis: YEAH!!! Check this part out. Yeah, they're gonna kick some ass now!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you said you were gonna shut up.
- Beavis: Oh sorry. I'm just gonna shut up and listen. [Cochese kicks a concrete wall] Yeah, yeah, kick it!
- [Cochese climbs up a tall building, then it cuts to a man carrying groceries]
- Beavis: Now see, this guy's going up on the roof, and this guy doesn't know what's gonna happen, so when they go in, when he goes into his apartment, they're gonna beat the living crap out of him! Check out.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I told you to shut up!
- Beavis: Okay, okay! I'm not gonna say anything! I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm just gonna be quiet for a while.
- [two of the cops are dressed as a chef and a bellhop]
- Beavis: Whoa, check this out! See, he's coming in, he's delivering room service…
- Butt-head: [interrupting] Dammit Beavis! [slaps Beavis]
- Beavis: Oh, sorry. Yeah, I forgot. Yeah, this is exciting! Yeah, yeah.
- [MCA, in costume, exits a hotel, a caption reads "guest starring Sir Stewart Wallace as himself"]
- Beavis: Now that's Stewart Wallace, see? Sir Stewart Wallace, he plays himself. This is gonna be cool when the video finally comes out.
- Butt-head: Uhh, what are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: You know, when the real video finally comes out?
- Butt-head: This is the video, dumbass.
- Beavis: No way! That's cool.
- [DJ Hurricane appears in the video, a caption reads "Fred Kelly as Bunny"]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, see, there's Fred Kelly, he plays Bunny.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [MCA appears once again, but as a different character, a caption reads "starring Nathan Wind as Cochese"]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's Nathan Wind, see? It's Cochese!
- Butt-head: Cochese is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, Cochese kicks ass!
- [Ad-Rock appears in the video, a caption reads "Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'"]
- Beavis: That's "the Rookie", see? See Cochese back there?
- Butt-head: Uh-huh.
- Beavis: See, the Rookie, he's got a really short fuse.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: It's like, he's pretty good, but it's like, he's got a bad temper, and so like, Cochese has to calm him down sometimes.
- Butt-head: Cool.
"So What'cha Want"
[edit]- Butt-head: These guys are cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: These guys are cool 'cause they can, like, jump around real slow.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: That would be cool if we could go to this forest and hang out with these guys.
- Beavis: Yeah. We can, like, dance in the forest and be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- [footage of lightning, a volcano erupting, and a tornado is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Is this, like, The Weather Channel?
- Beavis: Yeah. The forecast is partially cool.
- Beastie Boys: I'm the illest motherf**ker from here to Gardena...
- Butt-head: [imitating the Beastie Boys] Gardena!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis and Butt-head: Gardena!
- Beavis: Gardena! Gardena!
- Beavis: These guys are good dancers.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I wish I was more like them.
- Beavis: Yeah. Me too.
Beck, "Pay No Mind"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, what's that noise?
- Butt-head: It's Satan, dumbass. [imitates warbled tape]
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, that's cool.
- Beck: Tonight the city is full of morgues…
- Butt-head: Tonight, the city's full of whores?
- Beavis: I wish our city was full of whores. That'd be pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah, I guess that would be pretty cool.
- [Beck is wearing a shirt that says "Rock Me"]
- Butt-head: Check it out Beavis, his shirt says "Kick me".
- Beavis: Maybe someone will kick him in the nads.
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, kick him.
- Beavis: Who is this fartknocker, anyway?
- Butt-head: He's like, one of those dudes from the gifted class.
- Beavis: Those guys always, like, write words like this.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. "The sails climb high in the garbage pail sky." That's stupid.
- Beavis: How come people in the gifted class are always stupid?
- Butt-head: Uhh…hmm. I dunno.
- [seeing a policeman run into a house]
- Beavis: Ten Six Niner, Ten Six Niner, we got whores in the city! We need back up now! Come on!
Bee Gees, "Jive Talkin'"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! Is this the Black Crowes?
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Wait a minute, this isn't Black Crowes. This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! These guys are cool!
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, who are these guys?
- Beavis: Uhhhhh, ummmm, I think they just went on tour with Anthrax and White Zombie.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. They're cool.
Belly, "Feed the Tree"
[edit]- [video is set in a forest]
- Butt-head: [scoffs] Trees.
- Beavis: Yeah. I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
- Butt-head: Do you like her hair up or down, Beavis?
- Beavis: I think with this particular outfit, it looks better up.
- Butt-head: Do you think if this band was playing in the forest, and like, a tree fell on 'em, 'cause they sucked, do you think anybody would be there?
- Beavis: No one would hear 'em, because they'd be dead!
- Butt-head: Yeah, but what if, like, the tree fell, and it only, like, hit a couple of 'em, and then-- hey Beavis! What are your hands doing in your pocket?
- Beavis: I'm just looking for my lighter.
- Butt-head: Uh huh. You've been looking for about 15 minutes.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [the video starts with various shots of the groin of different men]
- Beavis: How come they're showing all these guys' crotches?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think this is like a masturbation experiment.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's about time, you know? Because I've always been saying that we need to have more funds for masturbation research.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah really. The Chinese are killing us.
- [a helmet is put on a man, and a scientist sets some controls]
- Butt-head: Masturbation frequency dialed in.
- Beavis: [the man starts to see erotic women in the helmet's visor] Yeah, you know, it's about time they spend my tax dollars on something I can use, know what I'm saying? My masturbation helmet doesn't have naked chicks in it!
- Butt-head: Uh, you have a masturbation helmet?
- Beavis: I mean, it's a football helmt. Safety first.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay Beavis.
- [the helmet is taken off]
- Beavis: "You have now masturbated. Congratulations."
- Butt-head: "You may go, but leave the helmet."
- [the helmet is put on another man]
- Beavis: Whoa! He has to use the same helmet as that other guy?
- Butt-head: Yeah. The doctor's like, "No no, no one's used this before. It's brand new."
- Beavis: "Why's it all steamy?"
- Butt-head: "Those are special gases we use to enhance the masturbation.
- [a man sees a woman in the helmet, and gives her a rose and a ring]
- Butt-head: Uh, so that's this guy's fantasy?
- Beavis: Yeah, what kind of sick bastard is fantasizing about this, on MY tax dollars?!
- Butt-head: Yeah. I think it's part of the stimulus package?
- Beavis: I wonder if like, when you're done, you can use that helmet to watch like, Meet the Fockers or something. That would be cool.
"Satisfaction"
[edit]- [the video opens with a hammer beating on a nail in rhythm to the beat]
- Butt-head: [chuckling] Nail. [A power drill is shown] Drill.
- [as multiple scantily clad women work construction equipment and dance to the music]
- Beavis: Um, how come all these hot girls are working construction?
- Butt-head: Uhh, this is what happens when hot girls don't go to college.
- Beavis: What are they building?
- Butt-head: They're like, erecting a structure... in my pants.
- [they chuckle]
- Beavis: You're pretty funny, Butt-head. That was pretty good.
- Butt-head: Thank you.
- Butt-head: Whatever they're building would probably collapse, but nobody would care. They'd just keep hiring them.
- Beavis: They're like, "Oh no, that's okay, just um, tear it down and build a new one. Real slow.
- Butt-head: Boy, if there was an earthquake, I wouldn't wanna be in a building these chicks built.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah.
- [a woman working a jackhammer appears]
- Butt-head: I'd like to be under her boobs during an earthquake, though.
- Beavis: You know, I like this. For some reason, I like this video.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Every video from now on should be exactly like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, but longer.
- [video opens with Pat Benatar arguing with her parents and running away from home]
- Butt-head: Hey, look! She's running away from home, and she's only 30!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- [Pat is shown walking by a strip club with "GIRLS" flashing]
- Beavis: Girls! Girls! Girls! Girls!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- [Pat is standing by a subway escalator; a man bumps her butt with his hand]
- Butt-head: He touched her butt!
- Butt-head: She's a hooker! [Pat's father is shown] His daughter's a hooker!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [Pat is singing in a crowd]
- Butt-head: She's singing to the homeless!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. What are the homeless?
- Beavis: I don't know.
- Butt-head: She's shaking her boobs!
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis! This video tells a story!
- Beavis: Yeah. I'm pitching a tent!
- Butt-head: This story sucks! Change it.
- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, three-wheelers!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Those are cool! I heard if you, like, turn really sharp on those, they'll turn over and crush you. That would be cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! And if you peel out, you could tear up all the plants!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's cool!
- Butt-head: Divers. Go down!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: This is, like, a James Bong movie.
- Beavis: Yeah. They need that short guy, Handjob to come out.
- Butt-head: You said "job"!
- Butt-head: Is this, like, an Irish Spring commercial? [bad Irish accent] "I might stronger than I care to be!"
- Beavis: Yeah. "It is a manly soap."
- Butt-head: "Manly, yes, but Beavis likes it, too!" [laughs uncontrollably]
- Beavis: Shut up, bunghole! I'll kick your ass! [Butt-head continues laughing] Shut up, Butt-head!
"Punishment"
[edit]- Butt-head: Nipple rings are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
- Butt-head: These guys kick ass.
- Beavis: Yeah, they could kick our ass.
"Tales From the Hard Side"
[edit]- Evan Seinfeld: Tales from the hard side!
- Butt-head: Tales from the hard side?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Is that, like, stories about stiffies?
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like, "Once upon a time, I had a stiffy. And I lived happily ever after. And that's my tale from the hard side. Thank you, I'm Beavis. Good night." Yeah.
- Butt-head: If I had a story for every stiffy I had, I'd have like, uh, several stories.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, me too.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. It's like, these guys, like, jump around and stuff like they're rapping, but like, this isn't rap music. It's metal!
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis? You just don't have any like, uh, imagination.
- Beavis: Um, I know. I don't want any, either. Imagination sucks! It HURTS when I use my imagination!
- Butt-head: Okay.
- Butt-head: Whoa! That dude can scream for a long time.
- Beavis: No way, that's nothing! Check this out. [Beavis screams without stopping for the remainder of the video]
- Butt-head: Shut up!
- Butt-head: These guys are cool cause they're like, pissed off.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're cool cause they're like, pissed off.
- Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, how come you always have to repeat what I say? Why do you do that?
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, why do you do that?
- Butt-head: Beavis, if you repeat what I say one more time I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Beavis: I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Butt-head: See, you did it again, Beavis.
- Beavis: You did it again, heh, Beavis.
- Butt-head: Uh…this is boring.
- Beavis: Yeah, really! It's boring enough to watch this, and then they're bored doing it; maybe next time, they'll learn to rock!
- Butt-head: What a bunch of wussies. It's like they're all hanging out by the diving board, but like, everyone's too chicken to jump off.
- Beavis: If they could like take those guitars and those amps, and just like, push them off the diving board and into the water, and you know, watch them all get electrocuted or something, that would rule!
- Beavis: You know, um, I dove off the high dive once. Remember? That was cool.
- Butt-head: Uh, you didn't dive, Beavis, you fell off. You were trying to run back to the ladder and you slipped.
- Beavis: No, no way!
- Butt-head: You were flailing around in the water. And then that dude with the hairy chest came and saved you.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! At least I fell off it! I didn't even see you climb up!
- Butt-head: Yeah I did! After they took you off in the ambulance, I was like, doing a bunch of swan dives. It was cool! And then I scored.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? You're cool, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It was cool!
- [Biz Markie is dressed as Mozart and playing the harpsichord]
- Butt-head: He's dressed up like that dude on the dollar.
- Biz Markie: You! You got what I need! But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend, oh, baby…
- Butt-head: [singing off-key] YOU!! GOT WHAT I NEE-EED!! BUT YOU SAY HE'S JUST A FRIEND!! Huh huh, I'm pretty cool.
- Beavis: [also singing off-key] OH, BABY, YOOOOUUUUU!!! GOT WHAT I NEEEEEED!!! Amadeus Markie.
- Butt-head: What?
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, I'm gonna get me one of those gold chains to put around my neck.
- Beavis: Me, too.
- Butt-head: I would look pretty cool, huh?
"Army of Me"
[edit]- Butt-head: This is that, Bee-ork chick…
- Beavis: I heard she has a, you know, like, a schlong.
- Butt-head: Where did you hear that?
- Beavis: This guy told me.
- Butt-head: What guy?
- Beavis: This guy in the bathroom.
- Butt-head: You mean in the bathroom at school?
- Beavis: No, the bathroom right here. Right here in this house.
- Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: There's this dude who's in there sometimes. I'm serious. He's probably still there, he was there this morning.
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis. There's no one in there.
- Beavis: Yes there is, Butt-head. Go check it out.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a bunghole. [exits. the sound of a door opening can be heard] Uhh…Beavis, flush the toilet next time! [re-enters] There wasn't anybody in there.
- Beavis: Hm. Usually he's in the mirror.
- Butt-head: Uhh…does he look like a buttmunch?
- Beavis: Um…yeah.
- Butt-head: Does he have like blond hair?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.
- Butt-head: And does he kinda talk like this? [does a bad impression of Beavis] "Oh yeah, uh huh huh huh."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Kinda like that. "Yeah, yeah, Björk has a dong".
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- Beavis: Um, is that Snoop Doggy Dog?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! That's a chick. She's got his haircut, though.
- Beavis: Yeah. She's a weirdo.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She's, like, one of those drama club teachers.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of wussy.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like they say, "Be a tree".
- Beavis: Yeah. "Now be a sad tree. Now be a happy tree!"
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Man. This chick is out of her gourd!
- Beavis: Yeah. She's, like, completely whacked out.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, I can't really blame her, because, like, some of these weird chicks makes tons of money.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's not like they're going around saying, "We need a normal chick to dance on this truck."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Hey, Butt-head. Do you think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick?
- Butt-head: I think you have to, like, be from England or something.
- Beavis: Oh. Dammit!
- [Björk grabs her crotch]
- Butt-head: Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! Um...hey Butt-head, I though chicks didn't have a crotch.
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. You're thinking of nads.
- Beavis: Um, well, I was thinking it was a crotch, actually, but, you know...s - some girls have a crotch? Hmm. I'll be damned.
- Frank Black: I met a man, he was a good man...
- Butt-head: [imitating Frank Black] Uhhhhhh, uhhhhhh, I met a good man! Uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhh!
- [the drummer is pointing his drumstick towards the camera]
- Butt-head: Quit pointing that stick at me!
- Beavis: Yeah. He's just trying to show off.
- Butt-head: Who are these guys?
- Beavis: Yeah. Where's the fat guy?
- Butt-head: Uhh...I don't know.
- Butt-head: This is pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. They ROCK! They ROCK!
- [a car is shown running over several light bulbs]
- Butt-head: Whoa! If I had my driver's license, I'd like, run over some light bulbs.
- Beavis: Yeah! Hey, Butt-head. You know what we should do, like, in the meantime? We should go get some light bulbs and stuff, and stomp on 'em!
- Butt-head: Yeah! That's a good idea, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah. Thanks.
Black Crowes, "High Head Blues"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, cool! That's just like that spaceship I was telling you about, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Uh, what spaceship?
- Beavis: Y'know, that one that landed right outside my window? And then like, these dudes came in the house and like, hypmotized me, and then like, took me into space and stuff. See, check out these marks on my leg. This is where they tried to esperiment on me.
- Butt-head: Beavis, that's where you got a gravel burn tryin' to look cool on your bike!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, that's right.
- Butt-head: And you looked like a dork.
- Beavis: Yeah, that wasn't too good, yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head, they're gonna put him in the oven! AH!
- Butt-head: Yeah. They're putting him in the oven 'cause no one likes him anymore.
- Beavis: Um, I still kinda like him, but um, but y'know, I think it's cool that they're gonna put him in the oven. Y'know.
- Beavis: Who are these little guys?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think these are like the Seminiferous Nadclobial Buttnoids?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, the Seminiferous Buttcloids from outer space. Yeah, yeah that's what they are.
- Butt-head: They're gonna climb inside his mouth and walk down to his wiener!
- Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool. Y'know if, um, if those Seminiferous Nadial Globial Buttnoids had to walk down my mouth and like, all the way down to my wiener, that would be a long walk! Know what I'm saying? Y'know?
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then they'd probably get lost and come out your bunghole.
- Beavis: Yeah, and then I could poop 'em out! Poop!
- Butt-head: Remember that time your mom's cat ate all that string? And then for like a week he had, like, poop on a rope.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that was cool! It was like sausage links! That ruled.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Hey, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Check it out! [screams in delight; he and Butt-head imitate the bass guitar riff]
- Butt-head: Which one's Ozzy?
- Beavis: That's him in the Members Only jacket.
- Butt-head: No way, that's Ozzy's son!
- Beavis: Yeah. Ozzy's older than that.
- Butt-head: Yeah, Ozzy's an old fart!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
- [the two imitate the bass guitar riff]
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Are these guys from Seattle?
- Butt-head: No, assmunch. They're American.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. Hey, Butt-head, Ozzy bit off the head of a cow once.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was cool! Milk poured out of his neck.
Blind Melon, "Galaxie"
[edit]- Beavis: How come it seems like every video now has a little kid in it?
- Butt-head: Uhh, you got some kind of problem with kids, Beavis?
- Beavis: Um, yeah, I do! They're always, like, laughing at me when I'm not looking. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uhh, grown-ups do that too, Beavis. 'Cause you're a dumbass dork.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
- [sperm is shown in the background]
- Butt-head: How come there's always sperm in videos now?
- Beavis: Yeah, I don't know, um...
- Butt-head: I think, like, the band makes the video, and then like, the executives come in and say, "Uhh...well, it's pretty cool, but uh, could you put some sperm in there somewhere?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really. You know, um, I could provide 'em with, um--
- Butt-head: Beavis, stop it!
- Butt-head: Oh no, this is Blind Melon! Did you know all these guys are blind?
- Beavis: No way, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I saw it on MTV News.
- Beavis: Whoa, I'll be damned! You know the cool thing about being blind, is that, like, if a crappy video comes on, you don't have to watch it, see?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. Okay, Beavis.
- Butt-head: What's this crap?
- Beavis: Yeah. This chick looks like that one porno star.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis, that's that chick from that Hairspray movie.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. This chick's real name is Deborah Harry.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: So like, if you looked up her name in the phone book, it would say "Harry Deborah."
- Beavis: How come?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know, they always put 'em backwards.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- [Debbie Harry is dancing with her back towards a man]
- Butt-head: Look at this dork!
- Beavis: Yeah. What is this, Battle of the Dorks?
- [Debbie nudges him away]
- Butt-head: I think we have a winner.
- Beavis: I think we have a wiener.
- Butt-head: This looks like one of those commercials for K-tel Records.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: "Hey, Beavis! I hear disco is making a comeback!"
- Beavis: Yeah. "Just dial 1-800-WUSS!"
- Beavis: Whoa! Check out that chick's panties!
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis! Don't talk to me when a chick's panties are on TV. It's like…you mess up my mind, and I can't see the panties right.
- Butt-head: Uh…I think this is Blues Traveler.
- Beavis: No it's not! Where's that big fat dude?
- Butt-head: I think that's him, Beavis. I think he just like, lost a lot of weight.
- Beavis: Dammit, that pisses me off! Everybody keeps getting skinny!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He looked better when he was a big, fat slob bouncing around on the stage going blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Beavis: Yeah. And his, like, stomach was hanging over his pants, going blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis, I'm fingering my lips. Blblblblblblblblblbl-big fat dude-blblblblblbl.
- Beavis: Remember that cartoon that had that big, fat dude in it and he used to go "Hey Hey Hey!"?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. And then they had that friend with his eyes cut out of his hat and he would go [In wobbling voice] Hey blblblbaby-let's go aroun-blblblblblblblblbl!
- Beavis: Yeah. See, they used to have cool cartoons! Cartoons now just suck.
- Beavis: I don't think Dorothy was this hot in the movie.
- Butt-head: Chicks were all like ugly in olden times…it was like, really messed up.
- Beavis: I guess that's why old dudes are like all cranky and stuff. They're like [imitating an old man] "Back in my day, you'd hardly ever get wood watching TV! Aaaoorrghh, it was rough!"
- Beavis: Whoa, that guy's touching his wiener!!!
- Butt-head: So? You are too!
- Beavis: Yeah! Oh, oh yeah! But that's different.
- Butt-head: What's different about it?
- Beavis: Um, it's a different wiener!
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's probably bigger too.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out. I-I'd like to try peeing on a snail some time. Tha-that'd be cool, yeah!
- Butt-head: You wanna pee on a snail?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, like, I'd like to pee anywhere outside, but y'know, I just feel like, y'know, peeing on a snail, y'know, ehhh that'd be something different.
- Butt-head: Uhhhhh, how 'bout peeing in the toilet?
- Beavis: Heh, oh yeah. I haven't done that in a while.
- [a goat appears on screen]
- Butt-head: Check it out, a wolf.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? I'd like to try peeing on a wolf some time, yeah that'd be cool.
- Butt-head: Beavis, if you tried to pee on a wolf, he would bite your wiener off!
- Beavis: Ohhhh yeah. I'd like to try maybe peeing on one of these guys, some time, y'know like, while they're asleep?
- Butt-head: Yeah, you must get tired of peeing on yourself all the time.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Y'know, when I was like, y'know, talkin' about peeing on those wolves and stuff?
- Butt-head: Uh-huh?
- Beavis: I wasn't really gonna do it, y'know. It just like, y'know, it like, helps to talk about it.
- Butt-head: This is a happy little tune.
- Beavis: Can you change the channel, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Hey, is that that dude who's the host on Family Feud?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Survey SAID!!! Pretty good, huh?
- Butt-head: Name the place where I usually kick Beavis.
- Beavis: Um, nads?
- Butt-head: Survey SAID!!! [imitates buzzer] Buuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm sorry, the correct answer was "ass".
- Beavis: Damn it.
- Butt-head: And I have to kick you there right now. [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: AAHH! Cut it out, butthole! Family Feud sucks.
- Butt-head: Yeah, [scoffs] families.
- Phil Daniels: I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen…
- Butt-head: What the hell language is he speaking?
- Beavis: I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This must be English.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. [Beavis gibbers in a fake Cockney accent]
- Butt-Head: England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!
- Butt-head: How come all these dudes have to put an ice cream truck in their video?
- Beavis: I don't know. I guess it's like…whoa, whoa, slap him!
"Everybody's Crazy"
[edit]- Man in video: Michael, are you crazy?
- Butt-head: Uh, Michael who?
- Beavis: Michael Jackson?
- [the conversation in the video continues]
- Beavis: Oh my god, it's Michael Bolton!
- Butt-head: No it's not. [embarrased] Uhh…uh oh.
- Beavis: What, what?
- Butt-head: I think I just pooped in my pants.
- Beavis: No way, really?
- Butt-head: I realized it was Michael Bolton, and my bowels let loose.
- Beavis: Boy, it's like, he's trying to play heavy metal now or something.
- Butt-head: He can probably make any kind of music suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, he's probably gonna do gangsta rap next, probably like [does a bad imitation of Michael Bolton] "Droppin' plates on yo ass, bee-otch!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Then he'd put the smackdown.
- Beavis: How come chicks like this dude so much?
- Butt-head: There's some snakes and bombs in this. Maybe he has a bomb in his pants!
- Beavis: Well, you know, um, you have a BM in your pants. So like, maybe you could, like, y'know, go up to a chick and say, uh, "Yeah, I have a bee-em in my pants".
- Butt-head: Beavis, I was just kidding. I didn't poop in my pants. Dumbass.
- Butt-head: Uh!
- [Beavis does a spit take]
- Beavis: UUAUGH!!!! AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
- Butt-head: UUHH!!!
- Beavis: CHANGE IT, Butt-head!!!!
- Butt-head: AUGH!
- Beavis: CHANGE IT!!!! COME ON!!!!
- Butt-head: Augh!
- Beavis: COME ON, Butt-head, CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!
- Butt-head: Come on, Beavis, just check it out.
- Beavis: [butting in] CHANGE IT!!! Aah!
- Butt-head: I think this is one of those, like, coffee commercials. [singing badly] THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP!
- Beavis: "Remember that café in Paris?"
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis and Butt-head: "JEAN-PIERRE!"
- Butt-head: This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
"In These Arms"
[edit]- Beavis: AAGH!
- Butt-head: UUGH!
- Beavis: NO!
- Butt-head: Check this out! What a wuss!
- [seeing Jon Bon Jovi]
- Butt-head: Is that Bridget Fonda?
- Beavis: Yeah! Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda! My anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns, hun!
- Butt-head: "I'm a cowboy".
- Beavis: Yeah, "Riding his steel horse, across the great wuss plains!"
- Jon Bon Jovi: Baby, I want you!
- Beavis: [mockingly] BABY, I WANT YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ROSES WANT THE RAIN!!
- Butt-head: "Like the roses want the rain"? [pauses] That's stupid!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Hey Butt-head, remember when these guys were cool?
- Butt-head: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, no? You probably like these guys! Wuss!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, I hate these guys! I was thinkin' of like, somebody else.
"Something For the Pain"
[edit]- Butt-head: [scoffing] Bon Jovi.
- Beavis: But you know, this song, it's kind of, um…uh…never mind.
- Butt-head: Uhh, what?
- Beavis: Well, I was just gonna say, you know, this song, I mean…you know, it sucks, but there's this one part that I kinda like where it kinda goes [sings] "Give me something for the pain…"
- Butt-head: Uhh, what did you say, Beavis?
- Beavis: Well, no, I'm just saying…you know, I kinda like this one part of the song where it goes [sings] "Give me something for the pain…" [Butt-head slaps Beavis multiple times] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Cut it out, bunghole!
- Butt-head: I'm doing it for your own good, Beavis. You were starting to like this song.
- Beavis: Well, no, I mean, I still think Bon Jovi sucks, but I just kinda think this song, you know, it kind of, um…there's just this one part that kind of, like…[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again]
- Butt-head: If you say one more good thing about Bon Jovi, I'm gonna really smack the bejesus out of you.
- Beavis: Okay, so it sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as…[Butt-head repeatedly slaps Beavis again] Cut it out! Damn it, Butt-head! Bon Jovi rules! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles] Bunghole!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis!
- Beavis: Take that! Yeah, I like this song.
- Butt-head: This sucks. And as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you. [Beavis kicks him in the testicles again] AAAAHHH!!!
- Beavis: You can't tell me what sucks! I like this, so blow it up your ass!
- Butt-head: Whoa! This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah. And it sucks, too.
- Butt-head: That's what I said! Bumwipe.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: She should get naked. [Beavis laughs uncontrollably] Shut up, Beavis! You're slobbering all over me!
- Butt-head: She's pretty friendly for a chick with a Mohawk.
- Beavis: Yeah. Chicks with Mohawks are cool.
- Butt-head: Does she want candy?
- Beavis: Yeah. She wants a Baby Ruth and some Starburst.
- Butt-head: And some wacky wafers.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- Beavis: [referring to Edie Brickell, who is squatting] She's pinching a loaf.
- Butt-head: That's disgusting!
- Butt-head: She's married to that short, old guy.
- Beavis: Yeah, that dude from Africa that used to be in The Beatles.
- Edie Brickell: Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
- Butt-head: She said "deep."
- Edie Brickell: Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep.
- Butt-head: Huh, she said "deep."
- Edie Brickell: Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [Butt-head laughs again] Choke me in the shallow water before I get too deep! [Butt-head laughs again]
- Edie Brickell: Shove me in the shallow water before I get too…
- Butt-head: "Deep."
- Edie Brickell: …deep. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let me get too deep.
- Beavis: This chick is deep.
- Edie Brickell: What I am is what I am…
- Butt-head: "What I am." Didn't Popeye say that?
- Beavis: Yeah! They ripped this off from Popeye.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, check this out. (Mocking Garth Brooks singing in warbled voice) "Somewheeere It never should beeeeeeeeen~!
- Beavis: It looks like a zombie.
- Butt-head: Yeah... (Mocking the singer in warbled voice again) THUNDER ROOOOOOOOOOLL~! Whatever happened to country songs about whisky, drinkin', and butt-kicking?
Paul Broucek, "Hollywood Halloween"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, he has an eyeball in his mouth.
- Butt-head: That would be cool if you had, like, an eyeball in your butt. And then you could like, uh-
- Beavis: Ah, shut up, Butt-head, you always say stuff like that.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna shove your eyeballs up your butt sideways if you ever tell me to shut up again.
- Beavis: Heh, oh oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, these dudes look too old to be trick or treating.
- Beavis: Maybe they were like, um, you know how sometimes the kids' dads gets dressed up too?
- Butt-head: Yeah, dads.
- Beavis: Or uh, nads.
- Butt-head: Remember that time your mom had that Halloween party?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Don't talk about that Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Then we went in your mom's room, and that dude dressed up like Colonel Sanders was in there. He didn't have any pants on.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: His "drumstick".
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! [starts laughing] Oh yeah yeah. Oh yeah! His drumstick.
- [a man in a Spider-Man costume is seen robbing a cash register]
- Butt-head: Look, it's Batman.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Anyways, um, whoa cool, cops, yeah! Maybe we'll see some domestic disputes! Or like some excessive force on some perpetrators!
- Butt-head: It's about time somebody called the cops. This video sucks.
- Julie Brown: Girl fight tonight!
- Beavis: Yeah, girl fight! Yeah, yeah, chicks! Yeah, yeah! Here's some chicks! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Uhh, not so fast, Beavis. Those aren't chicks.
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: This is that beer commercial where those four dudes come in and it's like, ladies night...
- Beavis: Hmm...
- Butt-head: and they're dressed up like chicks.
- Beavis: Um, no way, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's really dumb.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! Um, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Boy. He has pretty nice boobs for a dude!
- Butt-head: Uhh...yeah, I guess so.
- Butt-head: [Julie pulls out a switchblade with a lipstick tip] Whoa! Check it out, she's got a boner switchblade.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. That's cool! Yeah. [girl who got threatened backs against a wall] I'll save you, baby! I'll save you! So long as you do it with me. It's like one of those movies where they're kicking ass in a restaurant, and the guy comes out and says, [Japanese accent] "Your crab style very good, but it no match for my flying crane style! Ah-hooowaaaaaahh!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Except this is a beer commercial.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: I like when girls fight, 'cause they're like, "Yeah, she called me a bitch! And I said, 'You're a slut!' And she said, 'Yeah, well, we'll go outside and we'll see who the slut is, bitch!'" Yeah.
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Julie Brown: That's right, you slut!
- Beavis: Yeah, you slut!
- Julie Brown: I'm gonna rip out your hairs one by one!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, bitch!
- [Julie tackles a girl into a kiddie pool of a white substance, the duo are in awe]
- Butt-head: They should have done this at the beginning of the video!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Mud wrestling rules!
- Beavis: Yes! This song kicks ass! Yeah! The video kicks ass, too.
- Butt-head: Uhhh... what? What did you just say?
- Beavis: [stuttering] Err, I didn't say anything.
- Butt-head: Uhh... I thought I heard you say "this kicks ass." Did you say that, Beavis?
- Beavis: No no, I was talking about something else.
- Butt-head: Don't lie to me, Beavis. I heard you loud and clear.
- Beavis: [stuttering] I was just joking, Butt-head. You know, just saying "this kicks ass," but it sucks, you know? I was just being like... iconic or... you know who sucks the worst, is J-Hope. Yeah. He doesn't even have the positive attitude you know, like Suga.
- Butt-head: You know their names??? What the hell has gotten into you, Beavis?!
- Beavis: [defensive] I was kidding, Butt-head, I don't like these guys! I just said they suck! You know, I just um, I just know their names... because I hate 'em so much, that's all.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm going to leave now. I'm gonna leave you with your... uh, seven, or eight...or 15, BTS, boy band, dudes. [leaves the room]
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, I- I just wasn't paying attention or something, come on... [starts to dance to the song]
- Butt-head: [coming back into the room] You know, Beavis, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed- [sees Beavis excitedly dancing and singing to the rhythm] Jesus Christ, Beavis!
- Beavis: [flustered] Come on, Butt-head, I-I-I was just...
- Butt-head: What the hell is going on in here?!
- Beavis: I was just thinking about something else.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I wish I'd walked in here and you were taking a dump on the couch. Or doing homework. Anything would be better than that.
- Beavis: Okay, okay...
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
- Beavis: I think this is my house though.
- Butt-head: Not anymore, Beavis.
- Beavis: Okay. [leaves the room] I'll just come back later.
- Butt-head: No. Never come back. Bunghole.
The Bubblemen, "The Bubblemen Are Coming"
[edit]- Beavis: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute…ooh, I've seen these guys before.
- Butt-head: No you haven't, Beavis, we've never seen this.
- Beavis: Yes I have. AAH!! Like, I've been having nightmares about these guys. What is this??? Come on, Butt-head, change it, this is freaking me out.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you wuss.
- Beavis: [a Bubbleman stares at the television] AAAHH, LOOK, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!!
- Butt-head: How can you be scared of these guys?
- Beavis: You don't understand, Butt-head. You haven't seen what these guys do. I have these nightmares, it's like they tie me to a chair, and then it's like, they dance around me and look at me going "Doing doing doing doing doing", and then they get medieval on my ass. [a Bubbleman waves] AAAH, HE'S WAVING AT ME!! And it's like, they're smiling because they know what they're gonna do to me. And you know what else freaks me out? It's like, they have nads on their heads, see? [the Bubblemen dance onto a stage with microphones] See, they're just dancing around now, but pretty soon, they're gonna do it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, those aren't nads. Those are like, uh, antennas.
- Beavis: Well, how do you know there aren't like, nads inside the antennas? [the Bubblemen are now playing with a beach ball] AAAH NO, NOT THE BEACH BALL!!!! NO!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! Besides, it's like, I think they use those antennas to receive evil messages.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you wussy!
- Beavis: Oh good, I think it's over. Ahh.
Avi Buffalo, "What's In it For?"
[edit]- [as the video starts with crystal-like formations growing from various plants]
- Beavis: Whoa! All those like, crystal things and those funguses look really cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If nature looked like this, maybe I wouldn't hate it so much.
- Beavis: Yeah, I hate the forest.
- Butt-head: [chortling] White people...
- Beavis: You know, I was thinking like, people couldn't even get any whiter, and then you know, look at this.
- Butt-head: They are the whitest people I have ever seen. I think this is music for like, white people that have never had anything bad happen to them.
- Beavis: They've never had adversity.
- Butt-head: They decided to rebel against their parents by making even softer rock.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, don't express yourself too much. Come on.
- Butt-head: These guys were like, "That music in the elevators is too balls out for us."
- Butt-head: Uhh…who's this?
- Beavis: This is Buk-a-hey!
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay.
- [the man in the video is seen with two women]
- Beavis: Whoa, is this supposed to be a dream?
- Butt-head: Uhh…no, this dude really lives like this.
- Beavis: Whoa, that's cool.
- Butt-head: It's like, if you were scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, what would you dream about? Cause all I dream about now is scoring.
- Beavis: Well, if I was scoring with two chicks at the same time in real life, then I would dream about scoring with three chicks. And if I was scoring with three chicks, I'd dream about scoring with, um…FOUR! Four chicks!
- Butt-head: And then if I had five chicks at the same time, I'd just put my face in all their buttcheeks and go blblblblblb.
- [a shot of a woman's butt in tight pants is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
- Beavis: [quickly] Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked. Her butt looks better in pants than most chicks butts look naked.
Built to Spill, "In the Morning"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, he's sleeping with a pig!
- Butt-head: Yeah, so what, Beavis?
- Beavis: I'm just trying to make conversation! Bunghole!
- Butt-head: Well why don't you make it somewhere else, bungwipe?
- Beavis: You know what this dude looks like? This dude looks like that chick. That tennis player…Monica Seles.
- Butt-head: How come you know so much about tennis all of a sudden?
- Beavis: Um, well you know, I like to watch the Wilbumdon. Oh, and also, there's this chick, and her name is ‘Stiffy.'
- Butt-head: Oh yeah, Stiffy Graf.
- Beavis: You know, this part right here, this was already in another video. Was it, [sings] "Stand in the place where you live," …yeah, that's what this was in!
- Butt-head: Uhh…yeah, I think everything in this video was in another video.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. It's like everything you see in this video was in another video.
- Butt-head: Everything sucks.
- Butt-head: Oh no, what is this crap?
- Beavis: Yeah, why is she just sitting there?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Get up!
- Beavis: Just like, just stand up and get out of there.
- Butt-head: I wish she would stand up and leave.
- Beavis: And I wish the music would stop too.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Just because we have to sit through this crap doesn't mean she can too!
- [Glitter begins to fall on her]
- Beavis: Hey look, Butt-head! They're throwing a bunch of crap on her!
- Butt-head: Yeah! And she still won't get up.
- Beavis: Maybe she's inside one of those things, you know like when you shake it and there's a snowman in it and stuff comes down?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I like to break those.
- Beavis: Yeah. Me too. I like to break just about anything.
- Butt-head: What's all that crap she's holding?
- Beavis: I don't know. Maybe they're like tools or something.
- Butt-head: …tools?
- Beavis: Hey check out those guys!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Mr. Bungholio and his twirling fartknockers.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like someone said, "Okay, this sucks. I think it's time to bring out Mr. Bungholio and his twirling buttknockers."
- Butt-head: Uh…that's fartknocker, Beavis.
- Butt-head: I wish this chick would just quit whining.
- Beavis: Um…you know, you could change the channel, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: I shouldn't have to do that. She should just shut up. She's the one who sucks.
David Byrne, "Angels"
[edit]- Beavis: [singing] Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball!
- Butt-head: This is what happens when, like, old people try to rap.
- Beavis: Yeah. Hey, didn't this guy, like, already do this song before?
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah. But he has long hair now.
- Beavis: You mean, like...every time you grow your hair long, you have to, like, go do all your songs over again?
- Butt-head: Uh...no. That's not what I said. [imitates the Talking Heads song "Once in a Lifetime"] And you may ask yourself!
- Beavis: Yeah. And you may spank yourself!
- Butt-head: And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile!
- Beavis: And you may find yourself, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife! And you may ask her, "Where's the bathroom at?"
- David Byrne: I can barely touch my own self...
- Butt-head: He can't touch himself?
- Beavis: Um... th - that's not really very funny. I - it's like, um, that couldn't happen to me, could it?
- Butt-head: Uh...
- [the two see a spinning naked mannequin with a bag over its head]
- Beavis: H - h - hey, wait! W - w - wait a - wait a minute, wait a minute!
- Butt-head: That wasn't a chick, was it?
- Beavis: I think it was, Butt-head. I think a saw a couple boobs!
- Beavis: Hey, change it, Butt-head, this is making me dizzy.
- Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! It'll give you a good buzz.
- Beavis: Yeah, but it's like, I'm getting sick to my stomach, come on!
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
C
[edit]- [the video opens with Camila getting greeted at the door by her family, kissing the side of her face without contacting her face]
- Butt-head: They missed.
- Beavis: Yeah, by a mile. They suck at kissing.
- Butt-head: They're never gonna score.
- Beavis: Well, you know, I'd score with them. I would not miss.
- Beavis: Is this like, Thanksgiving or something?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah I think so.
- Beavis: When is Thanksgiving?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think it's like the third November of the year or something.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah.
- Butt-head: Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving, 'cause like, she had that boyfriend for like a week?
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, that's right.
- Butt-head: Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah... yeah. Yeah...
- Butt-head: Uh, I mean a lot of dudes, Beavis.
- Beavis: Butt-head, come on.
- Butt-head: I mean, like, hundreds of dudes.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: They all go around the table, and ask what they're thankful for, and they all say "Beavis's mom."
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, that's enough. Come on. You know, I do like this video, though.
- Butt-head: Uhhh... it is pretty cool. But don't change the subject, Beavis. On the first Thanksgiving, the Indians taught the Pilgrims how to eat maize, and the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom.
- Beavis: Yeah. They're like, "See? It's easy!" Come on, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: On the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: And there was peace throughout the land, 'cause everyone got a piece of your mom.
- Beavis: Okay, come on, Butt-head, enough.
- Butt-head: Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis, I know I make fun of your mom a lot, but that's because she's a slut.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! She is not! She just has sex with lots and lots of guys, that's all.
- Butt-head: Oh. I stand corrected.
- Beavis: Besides Butt-head, I heard somewhere that um, slut is like, like a good word now. You know, like, "Yeah yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah!"
- Butt-head: Uhhhh, oh. Well then, like I was saying, your mom is the biggest slut of all time.
- Beavis: Yeah, thank you. I'll tell her you said that.
- Butt-head: Uhh, check it out! An Indian!
- Beavis: You know, something I've always wondered about Indians, are they Mexicans?
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah?
- Butt-head: Remember, you asked that question in Social Studies, and the teacher sent you to the principal's office?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. And the principal didn't know either!
- Butt-head: Uh, do you know what "Cage the Elephant" means?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, like um, choking your chicken?
- Butt-head: Beavis, you think everything means that! But uh, in this case, it does.
- [laughing and a shot of a very content face is shown]
- Beavis: Whoa! That guy just caged his elephant!
California Raisins, "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"
[edit]- Butt-head: What's this? This is pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Who are these guys?
- Butt-head: They look kinda like turds!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Turds are cool!
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, if turds could talk, what would they say?
- Beavis: They'd say: "I don't like being a turd! Being a turd sucks!" It's like, you gotta, like, try to swim in the toilet, and then you like, get flushed down, and then you, go through the pipes, and then you go out to the ocean! And then there's like, sharks and stuff!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! Turds don't drown. They float!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah!
- [a group of camels are shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Those giraffes are pretty cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I like the turds better though.
- Butt-head: Would you feel bad about flushing a talking turd?
- Beavis: No way! I'd say: "Drown you fecal matter!"
Camino, "Burning Fire"
[edit]- Song Intro: We could burn like evergreen, we could fire up every tree...
- Butt-head: Uh, is this like, choir music?
- Beavis: Yeah, it probably sucks, but it's called "Burning Fffire", so like, you know, maybe give it a chance, because you know... fire! Yeah. I mean, you know, maybe they'll burn this guy with a beard or something, I don't know.
- Butt-head: I sure hope so.
- [as a woman shows her husband a pregnancy test]
- Butt-head: He's like, "Oh, you've got COVID!"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, "Let's go celebrate!"
- Beavis: I can't figure out if this is like, like some kind of truck commercial, or like, insurance, or like for some prescription drugs or something, you know?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I think it's like for boner pills.
- Beavis: Side effects may include a burning fffire!
- Butt-head: Camino is not suitable for anybody. Do not take Camino if, uh... well just don't take it. It sucks.
- [an older couple is shown on screen, upset at something]
- Beavis: See now, I think that's supposed to be Camino when he's old, and he's shaved off his beard.
- Butt-head: No it's not, Beavis. That's his dad, and the other chick is his mom. They're ashamed of their son.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, "He's out there in a field singing a song that sucks. We need to stop him, now!"
- Butt-head: "We did our best, honey, and he's still singing."
- Beavis: "Why don't you quit crying then, and go out there and do something about it?"
- Butt-head: Yeah. "Grandma, get me my lighter and a can of gas. I'll show him a burning fire."
- Beavis: Yeah, give Camino something to cry about.
Cannibal Corpse, "Staring Through the Eyes of the Dead"
[edit]- Butt-head: [immitating the singer's growl] OAAAA! DAAAAUUUUGH! Yeah. It's like, everybody sings like this now.
- Beavis: WHoa, look at their hair, Butt-head! It reminds me of like those pom poms, at like pep rallies.
- Butt-head: You go to pep rallies?
- Beavis: Yeah. You know, sometimes I go just to check out the butts.
- Butt-head: If these guys practiced their instruments, as much as they practiced shaking their hair around, they'd be like pretty good, probably.
- Beavis: I don't know, they'd probably still suck, probably. But you know maybe that's just me, I don't know.
- [the band members have long blonde hair]
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Cousin Itt!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: [jabbers like Cousin Itt]
- [seeing what appears to be two men using a welding torch on a taller man's rectum]
- Beavis: Whoa, what are they doing to that guy?
- Butt-head: Uhh…maybe they're welding his buttcheeks shut.
- Beavis: Um, heh…why would they do that?
- Butt-head: Uh…I dunno, I think it would be cool to have a butt without a crack. It's like, instead of having two buttcheeks, you just have one. That would rule.
- Beavis: So like, um, how would you take a dump?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it's like, you wouldn't have to take a dump anymore. Because like, you know, you'd only have one butt.
- Beavis: Really? But, I dunno, I'd kinda miss it.
- Butt-head: This buttmunch sounds like Dave Mustaine.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. [imitates Dave Mustaine, growls incomprehensible gibberish]
- Butt-head: Yeah. What a buttmunch!
- Beavis: Whoa look, he just flipped somebody off!
- Butt-head: He did?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool cool.
- Butt-head: Uhh, not unless we know who he flipped off.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: [sees a man being crucified] Maybe he flipped off that dude.
- Beavis: Yeah, what is that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's like, a gong.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, you hit him in the nads and he goes [screams] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Why don't they do that? It might help the song out a little bit.
- Frank Ski: Whores in this house, there's some whores in this house, there's some whores in this house...
- Butt-head: This looks like one of those videos where they're like trying to sell a house.
- Beavis: Yeah, like that time we went to that open house to get free cookies, and they made us watch a video.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She was like, "Can I answer any questions about the property?"
- Beavis: "Yeah, yeah, I was wondering, are there any whores in this house?"
- Butt-head: "Yes there are, there are several whores in this house."
- Beavis: "The house does include a big old butt on the wall, and lots of boobs, and a tiger."
- Butt-head: "Oh, and the tigers are also whores. And they are included."
- Beavis: "The schools are fantastic. There's some whores in this house, and the roof is brand new."
- Butt-head: "The house has an Olympic-sized pool that's one foot deep."
- Beavis: "Yeah, it's great for little kids, or whores, you know, or both! You know."
- Butt-head: "Uh, ma'am, I have a question about the plumbing. I've heard it can get wet and gushy in here."
- Beavis: "Uh, yes sir, it can, and that's just because of the whores, you know? There are some whores in this house, you know?"
- Cardi B Macaroni in a pot, that's so wet and gushy...
- Beavis: You know, um, you know that's really disgusting, Butt-head. I mean it's okay for grown-ups, but they should make a clean version of this song. You know, like, "Damp Vagina", well I mean not that, but you know like- but maybe that! I mean, you know, "Damp Vagina." Kinda has a ring to it, you know? Kinda romantic.
- Butt-head: Well I wish we had some whores in this house.
- Beavis: I guess. I don't even know where we'd put them, you know? Does this couch fold out?
- Butt-head: Uhhhh... I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. There's no whores in this house.
Carnival Art, "Mr. Blue Veins"
[edit]- [video opens with an old man holding his breath, turning his face blue]
- Beavis: Hey hey, is he gonna vomit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, VOMIT, VOMIT! VOMIT! VOMIT, DAMMIT!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
- Brian Bell: When he was six weeks...
- Butt-head: Buttcheeks?
- Beavis: WHERE, WHERE, WHERE? Buttcheeks?
- Butt-head: They didn't show buttcheeks, dumbass, he just said "buttcheeks."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's cool.
- Brian Bell: Mr. Blue Veins...
- Butt-head: Mr. Blue Vein?
- Beavis: Yeah. Hey, Butt-head. I have a blue vein.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Butt-head. Hey, Butt-head. Check it out.
- Butt-head: UGHH!
- Beavis: Come on, hey Butt-head! Butt-head! Check it out.
- Butt-head: Put Mr. Blue Vein away, Beavis!
- Sabrina Carpenter: It'll be a Wednesday, and I'll be going to this coffee shop, hear the barista call an oat milk latte and your name, and I look up from my phone and think there's no chance it's you, but it is...
- Butt-head: Uhhh...
- Beavis: Uh...
- Sabrina Carpenter: ...say, "How's your family? How's your sister?" I'll say, "Shannon's being Shannon." After a minute of nonsensical chatter, you'll say...
- Beavis: Does she know that the video's started yet?
- Butt-head: She can't decide if she's like talking or singing or rapping or just not really trying very hard.
- Sabrina Carpenter: We've been swimming on the edge of a cliff...
- Beavis: Wait wait a second... "swimming on the edge of a cliff"? I- I don't understand that. I don't get that at all.
- Butt-head: Maybe it's like, uhhh, there's like a waterfall or something.
- Beavis: No, no, that would be a waterfall, it's not a cliff. No, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Swimming on the edge of a cliff? I don't get it.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay Beavis. It's dumb. Do you get that?
- Sabrina Carpenter: ... We've been swimming...
- Beavis: Well maybe there's like a baby pool- but you can't swim in a baby pool. Yeah I don't understand it.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, who cares? It's just stupid.
- Beavis: If there was a pool on the edge of a cliff- just think about for like a couple minutes. If there was a pool at the edge of a cliff-
- Butt-head: [getting annoyed] Uhh, anyway Beavis-
- Beavis: Where's the edge of the pool? Is that the cliff?
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!
- Beavis: Wait a minute, maybe, maybe the whole cliff is made of water, or it's ice, because, you know, because then that's part of- no no, that isn't it.
- Sabrina Carpenter: You'll suggest a restaurant we used to go to...
- Butt-head: She'd be a cool girlfriend, 'cause you could like come home and just say "Well, how was your day?" and then she'd be like "Bleh bleh bleh it was a Wednesday and duh-duh-duh...
- Beavis: I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but I'm thinking about the cliff again, and maybe, maybe it's just like an above-ground pool. [Butt-head looks incredibly agitated] One of those infinite pools or something, but-
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if you say one more thing about the cliff, I'm gonna smack the living crap out of you.
- Beavis: Hang on, hang on, let me just circle back to the cliff for a second, okay hear me out. My grandmother's favorite actor is Montgomery Clift. Now if he had a pool at his house- [Butt-head smacks Beavis] AHHH!
- Butt-head: Uh, who is this dude? He looks familiar.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, that's umm, um, uh, what's his name, um, um, ah, ah, Captain Kangaroo! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Captain what?
- Beavis: You know, Captain Kangaroo. You know, Mr. Green Jeans and Magic Drawing Board, yeah. Yeah. You know.
- Beavis: Um, what kind of music is this?
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this is, like, some kind of gangsta rap.
- Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: I bet this dude scores a lot because, like, he wears black.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Plus he's old.
- Johnny Cash: Kind of evil make me want to grab my submachine.
- Beavis: Whoa! This is pretty violent.
- Butt-head: Yeah! Enough is enough.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Johnny Cash: First time I shot her...
- Butt-head: Whoa! He shouldn't have shot that chick! She's pretty hot.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- Butt-head: I would've taken her off his hands.
- Beavis: Yeah, you know what he should have done? He should have, like, fired some warning shots up in the air, and that would have just scared her away. And then, like, and then I could score. Yeah.
- Butt-head: I guess if a chick has to choose between, like, dying or like, doing it with you...
- Beavis: M hm.
- Butt-head: ...you might actually have a chance of scoring, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know! I know. That's why I was suggesting it. Yeah.
David Cassidy, "Lyin' To Myself"
[edit]- Beavis: Um...is this Richard Marx?
- Butt-head: Uh, no. This is that Keith dude! From the Family.
- Beavis: You mean Bonaduce?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. This is his big brother. Keith.
- Beavis: Whoa! Keith Bonaduce! Bonaduce. Bonaduce.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Did you see when Bonaduce fought Donny Osmond?
- Butt-head: Uh, that was on Pay-per-view, Beavis. We don't get that.
- Beavis: Yeah, but I saw like, highlights from it later. It was cool. Did you see when Bonaduce fought Geraldo?
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah, was that when he like, threw a chair at him and broke his nose?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: That would be cool like, if Mrs. Partridge kicked Geraldo's ass.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then the winner gets to face Bonaduce in the finals.
- Butt-head: That'd be cool if like, the whole Partridge family kicked Geraldo's ass.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! And then like, Tracy could kick him in the nads.
- Butt-head: Yeah! She could stick her tambourine up his butt.
- Beavis: Or like, Chris could stick his drumstick up his butt.
- Butt-head: And then Geraldo would be saying, "That's no fair, there's two Chris's!"
- Beavis: Yeah! [imitating Michael Buffer] ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: That dude looks kinda funny.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Yeah, he kinda was.
- Beavis: What is this, anyways?
- Butt-head: Uhh…I dunno, some kind of show.
- Beavis: Yeah, this is kinda cool.
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. I mean, it's like, the music is horrible. But it rules!
- Beavis: We should watch this all the time. Yeah, this rules.
- Butt-head: I bet you could score with some of those chicks in the audience by just going up to them and saying, "Hey baby. I'm NOT in the band."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like, all you'd have to do is say "Yeah, I have nothing to do with these guys. Wanna make out?" That would rule.
- Butt-head: You know, it's like, this video's cool. It's got something for everyone. You know, like, whatever you're into, like, if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that.
- Beavis: Ah, no thanks!
- Butt-head: If you're into lions, they've got that.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that too. Yeah, something for everybody.
- Butt-head: Everybody sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, everybody is stupid!
"Get Out of My Room"
[edit]- Beavis: Um...um, is this, is this, um, Cheech & Chong?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Cheech & Schlong.
- Beavis: Yeah. Buttcheeks & Schlong.
- Butt-head: I like these guys 'cause they're stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Remember that album your uncle had with these dudes on it?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That was cool. Remember that one where that guy was gonna go downtown and, like, show his schlong to somebody?
- Butt-head: Yeah. [sings in a deep voice] "I'm gonna go downtown, gonna see my gal, gonna show her my schlong."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that was cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And the guy keeps going, [deep voice] "Uh, you know. Uh, you know."
- Beavis: Yeah. [deep voice] "Uh, you know." Yeah. "Uh, you know." Uh, yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah. "Gonna see my gal, uh, you know."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That was a good song, I wonder how they think stuff like that up?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They need to do songs like that again.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Whatever happened to that album?
- Beavis: Um...I broke it, remember? I slammed it against the wall. It like, shattered.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That was cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I thought it was pretty cool, yeah.
"I'm Not Home Right Now"
[edit]- [video opens with Cheech Marin walking into his kitchen with a T-shirt and underwear on]
- Butt-head: Whoa! He's just, like, walking around in his underwear!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, and he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast. That's pretty cool!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. You think he has morning wood?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's got a breakfast burrito.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitates Mexican accent] And a chimichanga! Chimichanga!
- [Tommy Chong is surrounded by five women on the beach]
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! How did that dude get all those chicks?
- Butt-head: 'Cause, dumbass. His name is Schlong.
- Beavis: Um...oh yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, Cheech & Schlong. I forgot about that. You know what? Cheech should change his name to Buttcheeks, and then it's like, they'd be Buttcheeks & Schlong.
- Butt-head: Uh, I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like Buttcheeks, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um...oh yeah. That was my nickname when I was a kid -- Buttcheeks.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
Chick, "Malibu"
[edit]- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, a whore!
- Butt-head: Uh…what makes you think that's a whore, Beavis?
- Beavis: I was just, you know, I was just pretending, I guess. I don't know.
- Butt-head: Uh…well, if you're gonna do that, why not just pretend, you know, you're doing it with her?
- Beavis: Oh, well I was gonna do that. See, I was gonna pretend she was a whore, and then I was gonna pretend I had some money, and then I was gonna pretend I was doing her, see? That's how it works, see? That's what you call a fantasy, bungwipe.
- Butt-head: You know what this chick's name is?
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: Her name is Chick.
- Beavis: No it's not.
- Butt-head: No, I'm serious. I've seen this before. Her name's Chick. That's pretty cool, 'cause you can remember her name, 'cause she's a chick, and her name is Chick.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Maybe I should change my name to "Dude".
- Butt-head: Yeah, or maybe you could change it to "Dumbass".
- Beavis: She's supposed to be like in high school or something?
- Butt-head: Uh…I don't know, she looks pretty old.
- Beavis: Yeah, I think you're not allowed to become a whore until you get older.
- Butt-head: Uh…you're still pretending she's a whore, Beavis? I thought you'd be pretending you were doing it by now.
- Beavis: Well if you would shut up, maybe I would concentrate! Bunghole.
Cinderella, "Somebody Save Me"
[edit]- [two girls are seen from the back running down a hallway]
- Butt-head: Uh, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
- Beavis: [joining in] Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt!
- Butt-head: Uh, I think this is gonna be stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah! Who the hell is this buttmunch?
- Butt-head: Why is this dork here? [mocking the lead singer's expression] "Duuuuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh!"
- Beavis: This is like: "Behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session!"
- Beavis: Look at that guy's poodle hair!
- Butt-head: These guys probably, like, went to Super Cuts and said: "Could you just, like, make it more poofy?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah: "But keep the length! We want it, like, poofy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. That would look really cool!"
- Butt-head: So like, did you ask the barber to make your hair poofy too?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! My hair's like this naturally. That's how come I'm cool.
- Butt-head: No wonder you're such a wuss!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Chicks like it.
- Beavis: That guy looks like a cheerleader. Yeah, yeah: "All those years of hard work and practice in the garage, finally pay off when you see the looks on those peoples faces out in the audience!"
- Butt-head: These dudes are like: "Look at me, I'm kicking!"
- Beavis: "Yeah, yeah, look at me! I'm throwing my guitar around and wiggling my butt, see?! Just like we practiced!"
- Butt-head: "Yeah, look at me! I'm shaking my hips and kicking just like we did at practice!"
- Beavis: Oh, man! Boy I'm glad that's over.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Check it though, they're not stopping.
- Tom Keifer: So what do you think, y'think we got a hit with this one?
- Butt-head: [mockingly] "So you think we got a hit? Mwuh wuh buh uhhhh."
- [the two girls return and run towards the band]
- Beavis: Oh, boy.
- Butt-head: Uhhhh.
- Beavis: [mockingly] Ohhhh, ah ha ha ha ha! Boy, that was funny!
- Butt-head: Uh-oh.
- Beavis: Eh ha ha ha! Ohhhhh, they went to Bon Jovi! [mock laughter]
Circle Jerks, "I Wanna Destroy You"
[edit]- Beavis: These guys are in a trash truck!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Somebody probably threw 'em away.
- Butt-head: Uh, who are these guys?
- Beavis: Um, I think it's the Village People.
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah.
- Beavis: Well I'll be hornswoggled and dipped in turds!
- Butt-head: This guy keeps saying "I wanna destroy you."
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's like, um, you know, they got some pretty good lyrics, you know? Seems like it must be pretty hard to, you know, just come up with stuff like that.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah, but you know, I bet if I was making as much money as these guys probably make, I bet I could do it too.
- Beavis: Um, I don't know, Butt-head. I don't know, I mean, you're kinda stupid, I don't know.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I could come up with stuff like this.
- Beavis: Okay. Let's see you write a song. Come on.
- Butt-head: Uh...okay. Uh, let's see. Uh...I wanna hit you.
- Beavis: Um, uh huh.
- Butt-head: Then I wanna kick you. Then I wanna smack you across the face.
- Beavis: Hmm.
- Butt-head: Uh, and then I want some nachos.
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Butt-head: Baby.
- Beavis: Whoa! That's pretty good, Butt-head! We should start a band!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: That would be cool.
- Beavis: Alright, Montel Williams! Maybe they'll have some whores.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Or some sluts!
- Beavis: Or a girlfight.
- Butt-head: Yeah, or some skank-hos!
- Beavis: Yeah…ah, oh no. It's a video.
- Butt-head: Uh…
- Beavis: …yeah.
- Butt-head: Well, see you later Beavis. [Gets up from couch and walks away]
- Beavis: Ah, wait wait wait. Wait just a minute. Just check out. Maybe like, "give it a chance?"
- Butt-head: Uh…okay. [sits back down] At least it doesn't look like a video.
- Beavis: Yeah, exactly.
- Butt-head: Uh…doesn't your mom watch Montel Williams?
- Beavis: Yeah, she watches Montel Williams, The Jerry Springer Show, Jane Whitney…she watches all of them. She's always like, "I should be on one of those shows, Beavis!" [makes drunken sound]
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, what would be the topic?
- Beavis: Um…I don't know.
- Butt-head: It would be like, "I'm a slut and my son's a dumbass." Next on Montel Williams.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's a good one, Butt-head! That way, we could both be on it. That would rule!
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, who is this?
- Butt-head: Uh...I think it's Seinfeld.
- Beavis: Really? I didn't know Seinfeld rocked.
- Butt-head: Uh, this is like back before he had his show. It's like, you know...Queen Latifah used to do videos, and now she has a show.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I like the fat dude on Seinfeld.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I think he replaced the drummer.
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Remember that episode where they were talking about choking their chicken?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I thought they were talking about not choking their chicken.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I liked that episode where you can see Elaine's boobs on the Christmas card.
- Beavis: Um, no way Butt-head, I couldn't see 'em!
- Butt-head: Yeah, you could see her boobs. TV needs more of that.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. They need more stuff like that on TV.
- Butt-head: You know, this would rock if it was, like, just louder.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. LOUD, LOUD! Why don't you just, like, turn it up?
- Butt-head: If I'm gonna bother messing with the remote, I'll just change the channel.
- Beavis: Um, okay. Do that, then.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. [changes channel]
- Beavis: AAH! AAAH!
- Butt-head: UGH!
- Beavis: THIS SUCKS!
- Butt-head: THIS SUCKS!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is that group with George Michael, and Kenny G, and Snow.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's a super-suck-group!
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. You think if I sang like a wuss, I could get some chicks?
- Beavis: Well, you look like a wuss...
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: ...and you talk like a wuss...
- Butt-head: I'll kick your ass like a wuss if you don't shut up!
- Butt-head: This is irritating! [changes channel]
- Butt-head: Oh no.
- Beavis: Oh God. Here we go again with another crappy suck video.
- Butt-head: Here we go again.
- Beavis: This sucks!
- Butt-head: [Imitating lead singer] UHUHUHUHUHUHUH!
- Beavis: Oh God.
- Butt-head: What the hell is the problem with this crap?
- Beavis: This sucks.
- Butt-head: [Sees a note that says Don't try to follow] Yeah, I think that's what that note said.
- Beavis: [in time with the song] Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch. Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch.
- Butt-head: If those were the words, it'd be cool!
- Beavis: I was thinking of writing a song called "Damn it, Son of a bitch!" And it's gonna go something like "Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Damn it, damn it, son of a bitch/Son of a BIIIITTTCCCHHHH!/SON OF A BITCH, SON OF A BITTTCCHHH!/Dammit dammit dammit".
- Butt-head: That's pretty cool.
- [The lead singer hides herself in a coffin]
- Butt-head: She sucks so bad, they locked her in a box. You know who else ought to do a concert inside of a box? Nelson.
- Beavis: Yeah, Bon Jovi.
- [Two men are trying to open a coffin]
- Butt-head: How come those guys have to use a crowbar? Nobody nailed it shut!
- Beavis: They're using Crowbar?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They should get that big fat dude from Crowbar to come into this video and straighten everybody out.
- Beavis: Yeah. He'd make them all do push-ups.
Compulsion, "Delivery"
[edit]- Beavis: Um…water! Wa-ter!
- Butt-head: Yep, there's some water.
- Butt-head: I'm getting sick and tired of these videos where there's like, college dudes, and they're all in the water and, you know, being all smartass…
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really.
- Butt-head: Uh…maybe we should turn the TV off.
- Beavis: Okay, yeah! Let's turn it off. Okay. [Butt-head turns the TV off; the two sigh in relaxation] Um…hmm…so um…how's it going?
- Butt-head: Uh…pretty good.
- Beavis: So um…so uh…so what did you do today?
- Butt-head: Uh…I've been sitting here all day, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh…oh boy.
- Beavis: Ahh! Okay. So um…you been getting any?
- Butt-head: Uh…no.
- Beavis: So um…what's on TV?
- Butt-head: Uh…I don't know, let's see.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's a good idea! [The video comes back on] Oh, cool! A video! Ahh, this is great.
- Michelle Pfeiffer: You wanna tell me what this is all about?
- Butt-head: "You wanna tell me what this is all about?"
- Beavis: The reason I brought you here, is I wanna do you.
- Butt-head: Uh…oh yeah. This is from that movie where like, you know, that white chick goes into the hood and teaches everybody how to get good grades.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. They always have movies like that where there's this teacher, and there's like all good, and everybody stops being a gangsta and everybody gets good grades and goes to college.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and it's like, you know, she "makes a difference" or something.
- Beavis: Yeah. That's really stupid.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They should like, make a movie that's, you know, realistic…
- Beavis: Uh-huh.
- Butt-head: …where the teacher sucks, nobody learns anything, and in the end, it's like you be all stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! That would rule! And then it's like, see, you could have some cars blowing up and stuff, and you could like, show some boobs, and like, a big chase scene, you know…that would rule!
- Beavis: You know, a while ago when Coolio said "I see myself in the pistol smoke", he stole that from Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Alice Cooper, "Lost in America"
[edit]- Alice Cooper: I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really!
- Alice: I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Me neither.
- Butt-head: Me neither.
- Alice: I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: Life sucks.
- Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.
- Alice: I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
- Butt-head: Preach on, brother Cooper.
- Beavis: Mmhmm, I know that's right.
- Alice: I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
- Beavis: Mmmhmm, I heard that.
- Alice: I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
- Butt-head: That sucks.
- Alice: So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
- Butt-head: He doesn't get cable?
- Beavis: What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um…go to school or something.
- Butt-head: He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
- Beavis: He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.
Corrosion of Conformity, "Clean My Wounds"
[edit]- Beavis: One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
- Butt-head: Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh…apprehend and stuff.
- Beavis: And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.
- Butt-head: All these videos nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
- Beavis: Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
- Butt-head: I know, and they're all weird.
- Beavis: Oh.
- Beavis: It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh…it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
- Butt-head: Frank.
- Beavis: Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.
Coverdale•Page, "Pride and Joy"
[edit]- Beavis: Um...is this Led Zeppelin?
- Butt-head: Uhh...I think this is, like, one of those things where, like, they say it's Led Zeppelin, but it only has, like, one of the original dudes in it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like, they always do that. But you can tell who the original dude is because he's fat, and he's got, like, white hair.
- Butt-head: Whoa, that dude has hips like a woman!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: That sucks when guys, like, just put out the same stuff over and over again. [chuckles] I said "put out."
- Beavis: Yeah. But um, yeah but, but really, that - that sucks when like, when like, guys just repeat themselves. And just do the same stuff over and over.
- Butt-head: You said "eat themselves."
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: Rep-eat themselves.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: I think this is, like, where they like, show how they made the video.
- Beavis: Um...um, I thought this was the video.
- Butt-head: Uh...no, Beavis! This is, like, the making of the video.
- Beavis: Really? They should just, like, show the video because, like, this thing sucks!
- Butt-head: Is that that guy from Cheers?
- Beavis: Yeah. That's that Sam Malone guy.
- Beavis: This video has bikini girls and machine guns.
- Butt-head: If only all videos could be like this.
"Ultra Twist!"
[edit]- Narrator: And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
- Beavis: I think this is Tales From the Crypt! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
- Butt-head: You're a prevert, Beavis.
- Beavis: Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [imitating the Crypt Keeper] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
- Beavis: Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
- Butt-head: That's enough, Beavis.
- Butt-head: Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, [imitating an old lady] "I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?" [coughs]
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then you're like, "Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!"
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!
- Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
- Butt-head: Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
- Butt-head: And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': "Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!"
- Beavis: Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
- Butt-head: These guys understand the importance of a good butt.
"All I Had (I Gave)"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! This dude looks like that assistant football coach.
- Beavis: Yeah. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. "WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?"
- Beavis: "YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!"
- Butt-head: How many fat dudes are there in this band?
- Beavis: Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.
- Butt-head: He's having trouble defecating.
- Kirk Windstein: OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)
- Beavis: Uh, not anymore.
- Butt-head: He just took a dump!
"Existence Is Punishment"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, it's Crowbar!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. They're always taking a dump.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- Kirk Windstein: I gave my heart...
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Kirk Windstein: ...and soul to you!
- Butt-head: He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
- Beavis: Yeah. That must have been, like, at least 50 pounds of meat.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This music is slow and fat.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape if you're skinny and you wanna get fat!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, you put this on, then just like, pig out.
- Beavis: Yeah. And then every now and then, you just go, "I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOOOUUU-AHHH!!!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then you just sit there and get fat.
- Butt-head: I think this is, like, a love song.
- Beavis: Um, yeah. It is a love song so divine. Yeah.
- [a man is shown shouting in the crowd]
- Butt-head: Did you see that guy?
- Beavis: Yeah. Really.
- Butt-head: Must be his first concert.
- Beavis: His mom's waiting outside in the stationwagon.
- Butt-head: She said, "Okay, now what time's the concert gonna be over?"
- Beavis: What a wuss!
Julee Cruise, "Rockin' Back Inside My Heart"
[edit]- Butt-head: Oh no. Is this The Eurythmics?
- Beavis: [laughs] You said, um…you said, uh…eur…uh…you said something…eur…uh, urine?
- Butt-head: No, Beavis. I said is this The Eurythmics?
- Beavis: Yeah, I know, but it sounds kinda funny because it sounds like eur…uh, sounds kinda urine-y. There's something there.
- Butt-head: Shut up.
- [Julee is singing from an open trunk]
- Beavis: Come on, shut the trunk. SHUT IT!
- Butt-head: Yeah! This reminds me of that part in Goodfellas where they have that guy in the trunk. That movie was funny.
- Beavis: Remember that one part where he goes "What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean? Funny looking, what are you talking about? Funny, what, am I here to amuse you? Am I hear for your entertainment? What are you talking about? No! You said I was funny!" Pretty good, huh?
- Butt-head: Yeah, then that guy wussed out. Remember that time you were doing it to McVicker?
- Beavis: That didn't work out to well, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Yeah. You wussed out too.
"Fire Woman"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! Cult rules!
- Beavis: Yeah. These guys kick ass!
- Butt-head: That would be cool if you could, like, watch this video over and over again.
- Beavis: Yeah. You could do that if you had one of those uh, those uh, CPRs.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Those things are cool.
- Butt-head: Tattoos are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. I wish I was born with a tattoo. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: No, dumbass, you're not born with 'em. You get 'em when you join the Navy.
- Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna get one, that would be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah! You could have "I'm a wuss" tattooed across your butt.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'll kick your ass!
- [lead singer Ian Astbury is lying on his side with his face over the edge of the stage]
- Beavis: He's gonna boot on someone!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would be cool.
- Beavis: He's gonna boot!
"Lil' Devil"
[edit]- Butt-head: YES!
- Beavis: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
- Butt-head: This rocks!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: I wish I could rock like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. They rock! They ROCK! They ROCK!
- Butt-head: If I ever get my own car, I think I'm gonna get a truck.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, a truck with a big engine that goes "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
- Butt-head: Yeah! And one that's razed up 30 feet above the ground. Then I'd, like, drive around town crushing stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, you could get one with one of those musical horns, and like, when you beep the horn, it goes, [imitates the Iron Man riff] "Dun-dun-da-dun-dun! Dunna-nana-nana-dun-duh-dun-duh!" Yeah.
- Butt-head: That would be pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Then like, all the chicks would want to go out with us.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If they didn't, we'd just like, run over their cars.
- Beavis: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
- Butt-head: He's wearing leather pants so you can see his wiener.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: This is a very gay tune.
- Beavis: Yeah. You mean, like, happy.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Hey, it's Debbie Gibson.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Boy George: I'm a man...
- Butt-head: You're a man? No way!
- Beavis: He's not even a boy.
- Butt-head: He's Boy George. This video needs some, like, car accidents.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, with lots of fire. Then it would be cool.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Is this supposed to be, like, in the future?
- Beavis: Yeah. The future sucks. Change it.
- Butt-head: I'm pretty cool, Beavis, but I can't change the future. [changes channel]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I think I saw these guys at Chuck E. Cheese's
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! They sucked.
- Beavis: I kept banging on the glass and saying "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"
- Butt-head: Oh yeah, then you got your butt kicked.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. That was cool.
- Butt-head: How come this guy won't look at the camera?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, come on! Look at the camera!
- Butt-head: Yeah! That pisses me off.
- Beavis: Yeah! It's like, when you try to get a cat to look at itself in the mirror, and it's like, it won't look at itself, it like, looks up and down and everything, you say LOOK AT YOURSELF! LOOK AT YOURSELF! NOW, NOW! And it's like, it just won't do it.
- Beavis: (Imitating Robert Smith) Peter Piper picked a pickle of peckled peppers! Peter Piper Picked a pickled pecker!
- Butt-head: How come this guy always has to like, sing like, [wails] uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
- Butt-head: His lipstick's on crooked.
- Beavis: Yeah, he didn't do a very good job.
- Butt-head: [Wails in imitation again] Uhuuuhuuuuuuhhhhhh!
- Beavis: If he didn't do that, it's like, he'd be better.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Or like, if he didn't have the makeup and he didn't sing like that, then he'd be pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, he can keep the caterpillars too. That'd be pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Whoa! There's like, a bunch of water falling down.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, and some mud!
- Butt-head: Uhh...yeah. A chick in the rain.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And a dog.
- Butt-head: I guess that's pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Water, water, WATER! WATER!
- Beavis: That chick needs a raincoat.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Hey, Beavis. Do you like, uh...have a raincoat?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh...when was the last time you used it?
- Beavis: Last night! On your mom!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis! [he and Beavis start fighting]
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. You know how like when it rains, like <?> on the street and like, all of those worms come out and you step on them and they go pizzzhhhfff!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Mud is cool.
- Beavis: Mud rules. How come these guys are like playing out in the mud?
- Butt-head: Err... Well, it's either because they're really stupid or really cool.
D
[edit]- Butt-head: What's this a commercial for?
- Beavis: This is that deodorant commercial.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's 'cause this guy stinks!
- Beavis: Yeah! And he sucks, too!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Is this dude on some soap opera?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's on "As the World Sucks."
- Butt-head: This video should have a warning label. "Parental Advisory: What you are about to see sucks."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It sucks! Let's see if we can find a video that, like, doesn't suck.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
Danger Danger, "Naughty Naughty"
[edit]- Butt-head: Dammit! If this is Bon Jovi, I'm gonna-- [the two see a silhouette of a curvy woman in a window taking her clothes off] Whoa!
- Beavis: Yeah! Her back's all bent out of shape! What's wrong?
- Butt-head: Beavis. You butthole. When you see a chick in a window like that...
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: ...and she's got her back bent out of shape, that means she's hot!
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. I think she was, like, injured.
- Butt-head: Well, whatever it was, it gave me a stiffy.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I thought you called the cable company and told 'em to quit playing this crap.
- Beavis: Um, oh yeah, I did, but then like, when the guy answered, I said, "Excuse me, do you have 12-pound balls?" And then I hung up!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
- Beavis: It was cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [Beavis changes the channel]
"Cantspeak"
[edit]- [round, steel balls are shown dropping]
- Butt-head: "Plop". "Plop".
- Beavis: "Plop, plop!"
- Butt-head: This must be, like, some kind of toilet of the future.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, they use kitty litter.
- Butt-head: Yeah, I'm a water man, myself.
- Beavis: I like to take a dump in the kitty box sometimes. And then, like, the cat comes and buries it for you.
- Beavis: Whoa, this looks pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah, "The electrified forcefield has created the perfect being!" In the future, it's like, all turds will be perfectly round.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, and they will go "plop!"
- Butt-head: It's like, I haven't seen Danzig on TV in awhile.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, he's been hiding out so that I can't find him and kick his ass.
- Butt-head: Yeah, right! I'd like to see you try to kick Danzig's ass!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. It'd probably be pretty close now, 'cause like, all that sand stuff down there, that's probably like that "pearl formula weight gain" powder stuff. He's tryin' to like, bulk up for a fight!
- Butt-head: You're a butt-monkey, Beavis!
- Beavis: Eh, I'm gonna kick his ass, yeah!
- Beavis: Whoa, check out his eyes.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, you want black eyes like that?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I think it would be cool!
- Butt-head: Okay. [starts smacking Beavis repeatedly]
- Beavis: Um, heh, one thing about this video though, that's really cool and everything, but then it just stops! Like, just, out of nowhere.
- Butt-head: Uh-[the video ends]
"How the Gods Kill"
[edit]- Beavis and Butt-head: YES!
- Butt-head: These guys are cool.
- [the song becomes less intense]
- Butt-head: Oh, man! This part sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah. This song was cool 'til they started getting all wimpy.
- Butt-head: For such a big, muscular dude, he sure sings like a wuss.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Rock! Rock, dude!
- [the song becomes more intense]
- Beavis: YES!
- Butt-head: It's about time they stopped being wimpy!
"Mother"
[edit]- Beavis: These guys are pretty cool, but, this lead singer looks like Patrick Swayze and he like-
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis, these guys are cool!
"Mother '93"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, doesn't this song have another video?
- Butt-head: Yeah, this song is so good they had to do it twice.
- Butt-head: I heard this dude could, like, bench press 140.
- Beavis: Whoa! That's pretty good. Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.
- [Danzig shakes around while singing]
- Butt-head: Settle down, Danzig! I wonder what this guy does, like, when he's not doing this?
- Beavis: I bet he just scores with chicks, and then just, like, fights alot.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder who would win in a fight between Danzig, and uhhhhhhhhh….
- Beavis: Uh, Geraldo?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Um, eh, Danny Bonaduce?
- Butt-head: Yeah! Bonaduce would kick ass!
- Beavis: What's he doing? He was, like, shaking his hips back and forth like a little wussy.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That little dance isn't very cool.
Terence Trent D'Arby, "She Kissed Me"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this that Madonna video where she gets naked in front of that little kid?
- Beavis: Yeah. [sees Terence Trent D'Arby] That's not Madonna.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Terence Trent D'Arby: But she kissed me, and she put it there.
- Butt-head: She kissed him where?
- Beavis: Down there.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
- Beavis: Where?
- Butt-head: Uh...anywhere.
- Beavis: Um...yeah.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Liar.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: That would be cool if girls just did what you wanted 'em to.
- Beavis: Yeah. Maybe we could make 'em, like, come over and mow the lawn and do all your chores and stuff.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? How old are you, Beavis?
- Butt-head: This video is complicated.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I like the boobs and the butts and stuff, but it just seems like it needs some accidents and some blood!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah.
"Punk Rock Girl"
[edit]- Butt-head: This is horrible!
- Beavis: No it's not! It's not so bad.
- Butt-head: Something's wrong with these guys.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It's like, they're not trying very hard.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And they're making lots of mistakes.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: I bet I could take this guy in a fight.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: I could kick his butt!
- Butt-head: This is the only guy that's ever been in a video that you could kick his ass.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. I could kick Vince Neil's ass, too.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis.
- Butt-head: A real punk rock girl would eat this guy alive.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! She'd spit out his brains! Yes!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
"Smokin' Banana Peels"
[edit]- Butt-head: [scoffs] Hippies.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Does this suck?
- Butt-head: Beats me.
- Butt-head: What are they doing?
- Beavis: Yeah. This is college music.
- Butt-head: This is musical masturbation.
- Beavis: Yeah. Cool!
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. What do you listen to when you, uh...you know, uh...
- Beavis: I like to put on "Push the little daisies and make 'em come up!"
- Butt-head: Okay.
- [a monkey is shown]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. How come there's so many monkeys in videos?
- Beavis: Yeah. Dogs are cool.
- Butt-head: Okay.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. This sucks, huh?
- Butt-head: It sure does, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Ugh! Is this a joke?
- Beavis: Yeah. I think this is supposed to be funny.
- [commenting on a small boy running]
- Butt-head: Hey, check it out, it's Jeremy.
- Beavis: He's still running. How come Jeremy's always hanging out in the woods?
- Butt-head: Uh, I don't know.
- Beavis: [mocking the singer] YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
- Butt-head: I think I saw this dude in Burger World, once.
- Beavis: Yeah. [screaming] I'D LIKE TWO TACOS, PLEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSEEE!!!! AND A SMALL ORDER OF FRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!! TO GOOOOOOOO!!!!!
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis. You suck almost as much as this dude.
- Butt-head: Look at this guy. Did I mention that this sucks?
- Beavis: Yeah, but it's like, you know, it can't hurt to say it again.
De La Soul, "Ego Trippin'"
[edit]- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- Butt-head: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- Beavis: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- Butt-head: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- Beavis: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- Butt-head:AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Screaming rules.
- Beavis: Yeah. I think I'll do some more. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- 'Butt-head: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
- Pos: Now I'm something like a phenomenon…
- Beavis: Phenomenon. Phenomenon, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I'm something like a phenomenon.
- Butt-head: It's not very cool when you do it, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh, sorry man. Phenomenon, Phenomenon. Phenomenon.
- Butt-head: Shut up!
- Butt-head: Is that girl like in the band?
- Beavis: Umm. I don't know. It's like she's hanging out with the boys but it's like, you know, she's there just to catch a... Whoa, look at that butt!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Oh my God! Ah!
- Butt-head: that was quite a butt.
- Beavis: Yeah, Yeah. That's something, right there.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, we should get one of those big tubs and like... and then we could like, have some chicks over, you know, and then like they could be in bikinis... Whoa! Look they're beating up a white guy!
- Butt-head: Err... I think he just tripped.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.
deadmau5 feat. Rob Swire, "Ghosts 'n' Stuff"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uh… is that deadmau5?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. He looks like Eminem without his mouse helmet.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out. deadmau5 is dead. I'll be damned.
- Butt-head: Uh… remember that time that kid at school died?
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, who was that?
- Butt-head: Uh…
- Beavis: Was it Stewart?
- Butt-head: No, Stewart's still alive. We saw him yesterday.
- Beavis: Oh, we did? I um, usually don't notice. I know Daria killed herself, I remember that.
- Butt-head: Uh… she didn't kill herself, she just moved away.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? Wow. You know, that's kinda surprising. I thought she killed herself.
- Butt-head: Remember when they set that grief counselor to talk to us right after, uh… whatever his name was died?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. He was cool. He let us call him Rick.
- Butt-head: Yeah, he like turned his chair backwards and rolled up his sleeves.
- Beavis: You know, he invited me over to his apartment for spaghetti too.
- Butt-head: Uh, that's kinda weird. You didn't go, did you?
- Beavis: Um, I don't really remember. Last thing I remember, I got into his van, and um, he gave me some lemonade, and then the next thing I remember, I woke up under a bridge.
- Butt-head: Uh… are you just making this up? You never told me about this.
- Beavis: See, that's exactly what Rick said would happen if I ever told anybody. He would say I made it up, see?
- Butt-head: Uh…
- Beavis: He's a smart guy, that Rick.
- Butt-head: Uh… okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: You know, I think he can see into the future too because he also told me that my butt might hurt for a couple of days. And it did. You see that? Amazing.
Deconstruction, "L.A. Song"
[edit]- Beavis: Well I'll be damned, it's Dave Navarro.
- Butt-head: Who?
- Beavis: Dave Navarro. See, umh he, uh…he was in another band, but then he quit, and now he's in the Chili Peppers or something.
- Butt-head: How do you know?
- Beavis: I saw it on MTV News. [imitates the theme music] Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee…you hear it first. Pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee-pee!
- Butt-head: You're a dork, Beavis.
- Butt-head: Did you hear it from Kurt Scrotur?
- Beavis: No, from Tabitha Sore-End. Get it? Sore end?
- Butt-head: I get it, Beavis. You're a dork. [Scoffs] You know the MTV News theme song.
- Butt-head: How come the Chili Peppers have new guitar player, like, every couple weeks?
- Beavis: Well, I think what happens, is, um, like they join the band, and then Flea is just like kickin' ass, and like dancing and Anthony is getting all the chicks, and then like the guitar player is like, "Screw this".
- Butt-head: Did you hear that on MTV News? [imitating MTV News theme music] Do-do-do-do-do!
- Beavis: [about a man in the background with a bathrobe on] Look at that guy back there. [man opens his robe as a upside down woman's legs go by] WHOA, HE JUST SHOWED HIS NADS!
- Butt-head: Beavis, if you hadn't been looking at that guy's nads, you might have seen that chick's butt that was upside down at the bottom.
- Beavis: Where was the butt?
- Butt-head: It was right next to her legs.
- Beavis: Really? Dammit, I always do that!
- Butt-head: [about another man with a pin in his cheek with a woman on him] He has a boner.
- Beavis: Uh, o-oh yeah!
- Butt-head: Well. This sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, this sucks! Look at that. That guy, that guy with the pin in cheek, you know, you know, the guy with the boner? It's like, it's like, he's bored, and he's in the video!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Check it out, he's got a face painted on his stomach.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. If I was him, though, I'd paint a butt on my stomach, and then my belly button would be the butthole! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you could just, like, you know, show your real butt, and then it would be faster and, like, more realistic. Dumbass.
- Beavis: Um, no, no. I - I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'd paint the butt on my stomach, see--
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're gonna have about four buttholes if you don't shut up.
- Beavis: It's not my fault if you don't understand, Butt-head! Dumbass! [changes channel]
Def Leppard, "Animal"
[edit]- Butt-head: Circuses suck!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Where's the dude with two butts?
- Beavis: Right here next to me.
- Butt-head: Don't make me smack you again.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Have you ever heard that joke about the elephant and the circus?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: There's this dude, and he like, has to clean up all the elephant dung. And it, like, really sucks. So this dude says, "Uh, if it sucks, why don't you give up showbusiness?" And the guy says, "'Cause I like cleaning up elephant dung!"
- Beavis: Yeah. That's pretty funny! That was a good one!
- Butt-head: It's all in how you tell it, dude.
- Butt-head: Spın̈al Tap really sucks lately.
- Beavis: Yeah. They have all new guys.
- Butt-head: Pull my finger, Beavis!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
Del Amitri, "Roll To Me"
[edit]- Beavis: Oh no. This video freaks me out. It's like, you know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, but then I see these stubby dudes, and it, like…makes my testes retract into my globules.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminefrious tubules.
- Beavis: I wanna do every single girl in this video.
- Butt-head: Uhh, you wanna do, like, every girl in every video, Beavis.
- Beavis: No. Not really.
- Butt-head: Uhh, name one girl in a video that you wouldn't wanna do.
- Beavis: Let me think…oh, I know. Um, there's that one video, you know, where they're like, "Been Caught Stealing", and um…there's that one girl and she's, like, you know, stuffing fruit and stuff down her shirt. I don't wanna do her.
- Butt-head: Uhh…that's a dude dressed up like a girl, Beavis. That doesn't count.
- Beavis: Oh. Uh, let me think…"Wilson Phillips"…uh, no, yes I'd do her…ah, oh, um…no. Boy, maybe you're right. I just wanna make love to all the women of the world.
- Butt-head: Me too.
Rick Derringer with Hulk Hogan, "Real American"
[edit]- Rick Derringer: I am a real American...
- Butt-head: He's a real American.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He fights for what is right!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: He fights! He fights!
- Butt-head: He's, like, a good role model, 'cause he just, like, did whatever it took to get big, like, he took those steroid pills.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, those things you, like, you shove 'em up your butt when have hemorrhoids.
- Butt-head: No, Beavis, those are depositories. These are these pills that make you, like, all big and strong, but then they, like, make your nads shrink.
- Beavis: Whoa! What's the point?
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. It's like, you know, I may be only like, above average strength, but it's like, at least I haven't messed around with my nads.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- [a violin that sounds like a siren is used throughout the whole song]
- Beavis: Is that the smoke alarm?
- Butt-head: Uhh...dammit Beavis, did you burn another burrito?
- Beavis: Um...I don't think so.
- Butt-head: We need to just take the batteries out of that damn thing.
- Beavis: Yeah, but then what if there's a, ah...never mind.
- Beavis: Whoa. This is freaking me out.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is weird.
- Beavis: I have a sore throat, Butt-head. [coughs] Does it sound scratchy when I talk?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah, sort of.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You're always like, [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, uhuhuhuhuhuhuh."
- Beavis: I don't sound like that! [coughs] I'm just gonna be quiet for a while because my throat hurts.
- Butt-head: Okay. Good.
- Butt-head: You sound really stupid most of the time. You're like [imitates Beavis] "Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool because…[incoherent gibberish]"
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, I don't talk like that! I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna be quiet. Ow! [coughs] Ow!
- Butt-head: What's that guy patting his stomach for?
- Beavis: Maybe he's got, like, a hurt rabbit in his shirt, he's, like, going, "As soon as we're done with this video, I'm gonna let you out, then I'll give you a carrot, we're gonna fix your leg…"
- Butt-head: [interrupting] Dammit Beavis, now see, that's what I'm talking about, right there. You're going, [mockingly] "Yeah, maybe it's that rabbit in his stomach, [incoherent gibberish]…"
- Butt-head: What the hell is this dude saying? He's like, saying "Fried egg, fried egg, fried egg,"
- Beavis: Fried…[coughs]…fried egg, fried, [coughs] fried egg…
- Beavis: Whoa, is that Ross Perot?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I think that's Ross Perot from a long time ago.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitating Ross Perot] Folks, it's simple. When a problem comes along, you must whip it!
- Butt-head: He looks like some sort of bungsnoidial buttsnoid.
- Beavis: [singing along] Now whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it up! / Get it straight! / Go forward! / Move ahead! / Try to detect it! / It's not too late! [starts going out of time with the song] To whip it! / Into shape! / Shape it, uh…[realizes he is singing out of time]…go forward…move ahead, try to detect it…
- Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.
- Beavis: Well, at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work.
- Butt-head: Check out those hats.
- Beavis: Those are cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know? It's like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put 'em on your head y'know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a damn weirdo.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not from here, you know.
The Didjits, "Judge the Hot Fudge"
[edit]- Beavis: Um, is this Colonel Sanders?
- Butt-head: Uhh...no, dumbass. Colonel Sanders has, like, a white jacket, and like, a bucket of chicken.
- Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah, maybe this is his son.
- Butt-head: This guy fries butt nuggets.
- Beavis: Um, what's a butt nugget?
- Butt-head: Here, I'll show you. [is shown grunting]
- Beavis: Ahh! No thanks, Butt-head. I - I'm not that hungry.
- Beavis: What's the deal with these guys? It's like, they got these long-haired guys and then they got this guy, like, in a dork outfit.
- Butt-head: Uh...I think these guys are just, like, joking or something.
- Beavis: Oh, really? Oh yeah. They're just, like, fooling around and stuff, huh?
- Butt-head: Yeah. This isn't, like, a real video.
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah. Well, that's good, yeah.
- Butt-head: 'Cause if this was serious, it would suck.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I am getting kinda hungry. Got any more of those, uh, those, what are they, butt nuggets?
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. Here you go! [grunts] Regular or cool ranch?
- Beavis: Yeah. Butt nuggets.
Die Cheerleader, "Pigskin Parade"
[edit]- Beavis: Oh no, people on a couch! Is this "Friends"?
- Butt-head: Uhh, no, it's a video. It's like, whenever they want to show that a band is just, like, you know, a great bunch of guys, they make 'em all crowd onto a couch.
- Beavis: You know, that show "Friends" is stupid! It's like, they're always saying stupid stuff, and um, it's all intellectual and s - and something.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, you're supposed to watch that show with the sound down and just check out the chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah, but um, I don't know, even the chicks, like, that one chick is way too skinny. And her face looks like a scarecrow!
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah, but her last name is Cox.
- Beavis: You know, I think you're right, Butt-head, I think, um, there have been a lot of videos, you know, like, with um, where uh, the whole band is on a couch.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: You know, Butt-head, um, maybe you should get rid of this couch and, you know, and get us some chairs to go sit in, you know, change of pace.
- Butt-head: Hey, King Turd, go out and buy 'em yourself if you don't like this couch!
- Beavis: What did you call me?
- Butt-head: I called you "King Turd." 'Cause that's what you are.
- Beavis: Um...um, that sounds kinda like a compliment, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Humpty kicks ass!
- Beavis: Yeah. Humpty rules!
- Humpty Hump: My name is Humpty, pronounced with a "umpty"...
- Beavis: The name is Humpty, pronounced with an "umpty."
- Humpty Hump: ...and all the rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
- Butt-head: Rappers in the top ten -- please allow me to bump thee.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. I heard this guy really doesn't have a nose. He got in some accident.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! That's just a plastic nose.
- Butt-head: I know! That's because he had plastic surgery!
- Humpty Hump: I like the girls with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom...
- Butt-head: Whoa! [he and Beavis laugh uncontrollably]
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Beavis: Whoa, check out that tornado!
- Butt-head: That's not a tornado, that's that Tasmanian Devil dude.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, he kicks ass. Did you ever see that time he beat Bugs Bunny upside the head with a shovel?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I like the one where they grab Elmer Fudd by the head, and form through a knothole in a fence, and then beat him in the head over and over again with a shovel.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That's kinda harsh, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Cartoons are cool.
"Feel the Pain"
[edit]- Beavis: Alright, golf. Yeah, I'm up for this.
- Butt-head: Check this out. [quiet voice] He's teeing off…he's using his woody.
- Beavis: [quiet voice] He's trying to get a bunghole in one.
- Butt-head: We can see some dork riding a tricycle down the street. He's in the rough.
- Beavis: Whoa, look a fight! Yeah, yeah, hit him!
- Butt-head: If they had fights in golf, maybe it would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, then maybe I could watch it.
- Butt-head: You watch golf all the time, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Golf is cool.
- Butt-head: Check this out. [quiet voice] It looks like he's gonna use his nine-iron to smash the big fat dead guy's face in.
- Beavis: [quiet voice] That's right, Butt-head. I think what he's planning on doing, is smashing his glasses in, and shoving the nine-iron up his bunghole.
- Butt-head: It looks straight…oh, he's in the water! That'll cost him a stroke.
- Beavis: That's right, Butt-head. Oh, I don't believe it! He's gonna actually try to, it looks like it's gonna go…
- Butt-head: [raises voice to normal volume] You can't do it, Beavis. Shut up.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You weren't that good.
- Butt-head: You're not good at anything.
- Beavis: Check this out. [quiet voice] That's right, Butt-head, that's gonna cost him two strokes. He's probably gonna…dammit! Dammit!
- Butt-head: See, Beavis, you can't do it. [quiet voice] Beavis is a complete wuss. He's not good at anything. His mom is a slut.
"I Don't Think So"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
- Butt-head: Uhh…it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
- Beavis: Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
- Butt-head: No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
- Butt-head: I know. So what?
- Butt-head: Uhh…is this Sesame Street?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that looks like, uh…Grover.
- Butt-head: You probably watch Sesame Street.
- Beavis: No. I used to watch it when I was a kid. And sometimes, when Sesame Street on Ice comes to town, sometimes I go check that out.
- Butt-head: You wussy!
- Beavis: [sings] One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn't, uh, belong…
- Beavis: You know the guy that comes out, and he goes "Twelve chocolate cakes", and then he, like, falls on his butt, and the cakes spill all over the place? That was pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That was kinda cool.
- Butt-head: Whoa! I've never seen a puppet with hooters like that.
- Beavis: Those are some big boobs.
- Butt-head: They probably have this chick on the show to teach kids the number 2.
- Beavis: I'd say this puppet chick right here is one of the top three muppets that I would do.
- Butt-head: Really? Who else would you do, Beavis?
- Beavis: Well, Miss Piggy's kinda hot.
- Butt-head: That fat pig?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I like 'em with a little meat on their bones.
Dire Straits, "Walk of Life"
[edit]- Butt-head: CROTCH STUFFING!
- Beavis: Let's try that.
- Butt-head: Yeah, maybe we would get some.
- Beavis: Some what?
- Butt-head: Dude.
- Beavis: Nice organ lick.
- Butt-head: Organ lick?
- Butt-head: These guys are hippies.
- Beavis: I hate hippies.
- Butt-head: These are like sports bleepers.
- Beavis: Sports suck!
- Butt-head: This is like circus music.
- Beavis: Yeah, this sucks!
Cale Dodds, "I Like Where This is Going"
[edit]- Beavis: I think that's the guy who does Family Guy. I didn't know he was a country singer too, yeah.
- [as Cale Dodds approaches an overweight man at a diner who failed to get a date]
- Butt-head: "Uh, hello, I'm country star Cale Dodds. I used to be a loser like you. Uh, I mean, not like you, exactly."
- Beavis: "Yeah, you know what I mean, I was in a band. All the chicks liked me and all that, you know."
- Butt-head: "I was nothing like you. You're a loser."
- Butt-head: Uh, this is like all those movies where like, the good-looking cool guy teaches the dork how to score, and he like, trains him.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: He's grooming him.
- Beavis: He's like, "you know, now that I paid for your meal, why don't you come back to my place and try on some clothes for me?"
- Butt-head: He's gonna wind up in a shallow grave. [cackles] They told us about these kinds of guys in health class.
- Beavis: All the warning signs were there.
- Butt-head: They may come across as friendly at first. They might even sing you a country song. But beware.
- Beavis: They might buy you breakfast, but that breakfast isn't free.
- Butt-head: Here's what happened to a young man who went home with Cale Dodds.
- [after a girl trips in a bar and is caught by the overweight man, and she looks at him lovingly]
- Butt-head: Uh, the only way he can score is to go to a club and sit around and wait for a girl to trip and fall over.
- Beavis: Yeah, maybe I should try that.
- Butt-head: As soon as the director says "cut", that hot girl's gonna leave the dork and go score with Cale Dodds.
- Beavis: And then the dork is gonna go home alone, put on a new shirt, and spank his monkey.
- Butt-head: Now that's a country song.
Dog Eat Dog, "No Fronts"
[edit]- [video opens with people snowboarding]
- Butt-head: Aspen Extreme.
- Beavis: That movie sucked! I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick never got naked!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's a good thing we snuck into that movie, 'cause if we had to pay, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. How could she not get naked when they say "ass" right in the title?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Whoa. I didn't know that like, uh, rap dudes ski.
- Beavis: Um, I don't think these are real rap dudes, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They thought if they, like, went to a ski resort, that they'd be sure that no real rap dudes would find 'em and beat the crap out of 'em.
- Beavis: It's the only place they're safe! They probably, like, sit around the corner, and like, have their, like, big 40-ouncers of hot chocolate.
- Butt-head: Yeah. No chicks, no butts.
- Beavis: "Get me some marshmallows, biatch!" Change the channel, Butt-head. I've had enough of this.
- Butt-head: Okay, I think it's over, though.
- Beavis: Ohhh, good it's over. [the song doesn't end] No, no.
- Butt-head: Uh, now it's over.
- Beavis: Oh. Okay, now it's over. Ahhhhhhhh! [the song continues] Oh, no! Dammit! Come on, change it Butt-head, this song's never gonna end!
- Butt-head: What a bunch of buttmunches! [changes channel]
Doug E. Fresh, "I-ight (Alright)"
[edit]- Beavis: YES! I-ight! I-ight!
- Butt-head: That's cool.
- [a woman is shown bouncing her breasts]
- Beavis: Thingies! Thingies!
- Butt-head: Rap videos are cool because, like, they don't mess around with a bunch of crap that you don't want to see.
- Beavis: Yeah. They show, like, bouncing boobs.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Boobs! BOOBS! BOOBS!
- Beavis and Butt-head: I-ight!
- Butt-head: I-ight!
- Beavis and Butt-head: I-ight!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Isn't "I-ight" what that dude Gilligan says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's like, "I-ight, Skipper! Here are those coconuts!"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or like, "I-ight! I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. That Skipper dude is a bunghole. [imitating the Skipper] "Uhhhhh, Gilligan!"
- Beavis: Yeah. He should go, like, "I quit, fat dude. You can get your own damn coconuts. I-ight! I-ight!"
- [Doug E. Fresh clicks his teeth]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Is he spitting?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
- Doug E. Fresh: To the Uptown crew, nuff respect, to my man Shock Dog...
- Beavis: What about me? Yeah. What about me? To my man Beavis, nuff respect!
- Butt-head: Yeah. To my man Butt-head, nuff respect!
- Beavis and Butt-head: I-ight!
- Dr. Dre: Word up, this is Dr. Dre.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's Dre! Check it out, it's Dre! Droppin' plates on yo' ass, beotch!
- Butt-head: Yeah! The D-R-E, out on a robbin' spree. A straight G.
- Beavis: Um, you don't do that very good, Butt-head. It's like this: The D-R-E! A straight G!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, how come I'm white?
- Butt-head: Because your mom's white, dumbass.
- Beavis: You know, my mom used to say it doesn't matter what color your skin is. It's like, what color your skin is on the inside that counts.
- Butt-head: She's a slut.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. She's a cleap slut.
- Butt-head: Check it out, the Doctor's stealing a plane.
- Beavis: Like, what do you do with a plane once you stole it?.
- Butt-head: I guess you, like, go to the flea market or something.
- Beavis: Oh really? But then, what do you do when someone says "So, where did you get this plane?"
- Butt-head: I'd be like "Well, I got it from the airport." Cause they have a store there.
- Beavis: Ah shut up, Butt-head. Keep that up and I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
- Butt-head: What did you say, Beavis?
- Beavis: I said "Shut up". I'm gonna put the smackdown on yo' ass, beotch!
- Butt-head: Beavis, your mom is a depraved worthless slut.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah.
- Smart Beavis: Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
- Smart Butt-head: This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as "Cost of Livin'", and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing."
- Smart Beavis: Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
- Smart Butt-head: Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions.
- Smart Beavis: We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid.
- Smart Butt-head: Yes. Very stupid.
- Smart Butt-head: I don't know why, but this music is making me love America.
- Smart Beavis: This video also makes me want to worship the man they call Jesus.
- Smart Butt-head: Yes, yes, indeed yes.
- Smart Beavis: They have finally made music for ordinary space people like us.
- Smart Butt-head: Those of us from the heartland of space who work hard and deserve to unwind.
- Smart Beavis: Yes, yes.
- Smart Beavis: I wish there was more footage of the females in this video.
- Smart Butt-head: Yes, yes. It is a veritable intergalactic festival of sausage, Smart Beavis.
- Smart Beavis: Ah, yes yes, so called because an intergalactic sausage looks like a space-penis. Yes it does, yes.
- Smart Butt-head: Quite humerous.
- Smart Butt-head: Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
- Smart Beavis: Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive.
- Smart Butt-head: Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother.
- Smart Beavis: Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored.
- Smart Butt-head: Yes, and your mother is quite honorable.
- Smart Beavis: Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head.
- Smart Butt-head: It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe.
- Smart Beavis: ... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. [a horseback rider is seen] Is this the cowboy's wife?
- Smart Butt-head: I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis.
- Smart Beavis: I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
- Smart Butt-head: Humor detected.
- Smart Beavis: Yes, humorous. Quite humorous.
- Smart Butt-head: Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
- Smart Beavis: Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.
Josie Dunne, "Good Boys"
[edit]- [as a group of firemen are shown]
- Beavis: Oh God... firemen, yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like "Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!" But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess.
- Butt-head: Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose.
- Beavis: No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's water! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them watermen! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them "son of a bitches."
- Butt-head: You thought firemen start fires?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the fireman, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.
The Dylans, "Grudge"
[edit]- [video opens with a boombox]
- Beavis: Hey, maybe they'll break it. Yeah. [a sledgehammer smashes the boombox] Ooooh! Yeah! [a fist pounds a piece of cake, then a baseball bat knocks over a vase] Ahhh...uh huh. W - what? What's going on?
- Butt-head: This song, it's like, it sounds like everything else sounds like right now.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, it's like, there's about a bazillion bands that, like, sound exactly like this right now.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Um, at least they're breaking stuff.
- Butt-head: M hm.
- [honey is being poured on fruit]
- Butt-head: Whoa! They're putting honey on grapes?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
- Butt-head: Yeah! That was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Beavis: So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
- Beavis: Yeah, but you did it wrong. The guy in the movie was, like, feet first.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
- Beavis: I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped. It was cool.
E
[edit]- Beavis: Who is this chick?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know. She looks like some chick you'd see hanging out in K-Mart.
- Beavis: Um, I think I've seen this chick before.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She did Prince.
- Beavis: Oh, really? Well, at least that's something.
- Butt-head: You know, they don't have to keep showing her just 'cause she's singing.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Like, move down and show her butt or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Look at this stupid stuff she keeps doing with her face.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. This chick is pretty dumb.
- Butt-head: Yeah! And she's probably a slut, too.
- Beavis: Why do you think this chick, like, dresses up like a slut?
- Butt-head: Prince makes sure that all his women look like sluts.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. That's one thing I like about him.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He has a vision.
- Beavis: Me too. Someday, all the girls in the world will come all unto me! Yeah. It's gonna be cool.
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, "Kisses Over Babylon"
[edit]- Beavis: Um, is that Christ?
- Butt-head: Uh, what language is he speaking? Uh, I think it's Mexican.
- Beavis: Um, you know Butt-head, you really shouldn't say that, seriously. Come on. You know better than that.
- Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah. It's Spanish.
- Beavis: Wow. So Jesus can speak Spanish? That's uh, that's pretty impressive you know, because it's not easy to learn a second language. Not anybody can do that.
- Butt-head: It is a miracle.
- Beavis: Yeah, that Christ is something else. I didn't know he had it in him, you know?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He may look like a bum, but he can do a lot.
- Beavis: [as prisoners try to escape prison] Wow, they really hate this song.
- Butt-head: These people would rather get shot than listen to him anymore.
Elastica, "Connection"
[edit]- Beavis: All right, a chick band! Yeah!
- [several naked men are sitting around the band]
- Beavis: Whoa, look at all these naked dudes! They're just, like, sitting there! What's going on?
- Butt-head: Yeah! Look, you can see that one dude's nutsack!
- Beavis: Look, a buttcheek! A schlong! A nad!
- Butt-head: Those are just hands, Beavis. That's not his nads, his nutsack, or his buttcheeks.
- Beavis: I don't know. You know, you know, this is kind of, like, this is kinda messed up, it's like, they have these dudes there, and it's like, they don't even think of 'em like people. They're just, like, there, they're like they're these things for these chicks to just, like, look at and, like, get off on, it's like, it's DISGUSTING! IT MAKES ME MAD! This band should be, like, ashamed of the way they're treating men, and um, and uh, these men shouldn't have the uh, they should not be in this video! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, well, if these chicks asked you to get naked and be in their video, would you do it?
- Beavis: Uh, yeah, yeah! But that's different; see, 'cause then it would be me, see? And I'd be naked! That would rule! Yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: How come whenever you see a chick band, they're always like, looking down at their hands when they play?
- Butt-head: Maybe they're looking at their boobs. Did you ever think of that?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I guess I would look at my boobs, too. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Check it out. That drummer dude is surrounded by a bunch of naked dudes.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: These chicks must be pretty cool. They, like, just have a bunch of naked dudes sitting around for them to use whenever they need it.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's like, some bands, you know, have like, a bunch of water bottles and stuff around, for when get thirsty, but, like, these chicks like, just keep naked dudes! That rules! I mean, you know, for a chick. You know. That's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's a pretty good idea. You'll probably see a lot more bands doing that now.
Carmen Electra, "Everybody Get On Up"
[edit]- Butt-head: I'm already "up."
- Beavis: Is this a commercial?
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's a commercial for MTV's House of Butts.
- Beavis: She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's high noon on my sundial.
- Beavis: She said "cream."
- Butt-head: Yeah. Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go spank my monkey.
Electric Sun, "The Night The Master Comes"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uh! This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah! AAAAHHHH! It's like, it sucks!
- Butt-head: This is horrible.
- Beavis: Yeah, and it sucks too.
- Butt-head: Beavis, "sucks" isn't strong enough a word to describe this crap.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like it sucks…a lot.
- Beavis: Is this Boy George?!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's all fat now.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.
- Butt-head: He's a turd.
- Butt-head: You know, he's bisexual.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?
- Butt-head: Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!
- Beavis: So, like, um…if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?
- Butt-head: Uh…I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.
- Beavis: And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of…or you take a leak out of both of them…you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?
- Butt-head: You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.
En Vogue with Salt-n-Pepa, "Whatta Man"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! These chicks are horny!
- Beavis: YEAH! YEAH! How come chicks are only horny like that, like, on TV?
- Butt-head: Uhh...they have these places where horny chicks are, but it's like, you gotta have a fake ID.
- Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Dammit. I've seen this video about a million times!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, me too! I've watched this video, like, a zillion times, and it's like, she still never takes her clothes off! I keep, like, waiting for her to get out of that tub or something. She never does!
- Butt-head: Beavis, it's the same video! If she doesn't get naked the first time you see it, she's never gonna get naked.
- Beavis: How do you know, Butt-head? You know, she might, like, decide to get crazy or something. Here it comes. See? Stand up, stand up! STAND UP!
- Butt-head: Beavis! She's not gonna be naked! It's the same video every time!
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. You don't know that. I th - I think she's gonna be naked. Yeah! Yeah, yeah! Maybe she'll do it this time! Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Show it!
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- Beavis: She's got that stuff in her hair.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That stuff's called jelly curl.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Buttknocker.
- Beavis: Hey! Don't call me that, Butt-head! I'm serious!
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. Dillhole.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's better.
- Beavis: Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I got up first!
- Butt-head: Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.
- Butt-head: Well, you snooze, you lose. [leaves the room]
- Beavis: Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head…[turns around and sees Butt-head has left] Oh. Um…guess I'll go take a leak. [gets up]
- Butt-head: [calling from bathroom] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [Beavis sits down]
- Beavis: [hums] Dun da da dun…da na nun dun…[calls out] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?
- Butt-head: Uhh, just a few more minutes.
- Beavis: Guess I'll go take a leak. [leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard]
- Butt-head: UH!
- Beavis: AAHH!!
- Butt-head: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!
- Beavis: DAMMIT, Butt-head!!
- Butt-head: NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!
- Beavis: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
- Butt-head: I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!
- Beavis: YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!
- Butt-head: DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN video, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!
Enuff Z'nuff, "Fly High Michelle"
[edit]- Butt-head: Have a nice day, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up!
- Beavis: She looks like that Peter Frampton chick.
- Butt-head: Yeah. These chicks aren't as cool as the Cycle Sluts.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: And L7.
- Beavis: Yeah. They kick ass.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Are you sure these are chicks?
- Butt-head: They better be. They're giving me a woodrow.
- Beavis: Yeah. Me too.
- Butt-head: Glam rock just isn't what it used to be, Beavis.
Maggie Estep, "Hey Baby"
[edit]- Maggie Estep: Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby…
- Butt-head: This chick doesn't sing very good.
- Beavis: Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.
- Maggie Estep: [Begins talking] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business…
- Beavis: Okay. That's better.
- Butt-head: Is she like, telling a joke?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?
- Butt-head: Beavis…
- Maggie Estep: I get all tense and nervous…
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Maggie Estep: …but I keep walking…
- Beavis: Ah! Uh huh.
- Maggie Estep: …but the guy, he's dogging my every move.
- Beavis: Yeah, that'd piss me off too.
- Maggie Estep: Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh]
- Butt-head: Now that's a good joke.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.
- Butt-head: Yeah, he'd get it.
- Beavis: Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener…
- Beavis: I heard that.
- Butt-head: …and then she just came up and got in his face!
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!
- Butt-head: Uh huh.
- Beavis: And she just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, do that outside.
Ethyl Meatplow, "Devil's Johnson"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! Scummy people.
- Beavis: Yeah. Scummy people are cool.
- Butt-head: Slimy people.
- Beavis: Yeah. Slimy people rule.
- Ethyl Meatplow: Well now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
- Butt-head: Whoa! Did you hear that, Beavis?
- Beavis: WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- Butt-head: He said "devil's johnson"!
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, they don't let 'em say that stuff on TV.
- Butt-head: Well, he just said it!
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, he must've said "Don Johnson."
- Ethyl Meatplow: Now she's smoking on the devil's johnson...
- Butt-head: He said it again!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! YEAH! I heard it! He keeps saying it again!
- Ethyl Meatplow: Smoking on the devil's johnson...
- Beavis: Yeah, he said it again! He keeps saying it again and again! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Maybe he's saying "Magic Johnson."
- Beavis: Yeah. I got a magic johnson.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Beavis' magic johnson. It disappears into his hand.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
The Europeans, "We Are Animals"
[edit]- [Beavis and Butt-head scream once the video starts]
- Butt-head: Oh my God.
- Beavis: Oh, dear Lord!
- Butt-head: This sucks.
- Beavis: AAAH! Good God Almighty!
- Butt-head: This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
- Beavis: Yeah, this sucks, like…like lots and lots.
- Butt-head: Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh…one?
- Beavis: Two…
- Butt-head: Uh…four?
- Beavis: Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…thirteen?
- Butt-head: Uh…seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
- Beavis: Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! Um…eleventeen…
- Butt-head: Uh…what comes after eleventeen again?
- Beavis: Um…thirteen. [Resumes counting] Uh…fifteen…
- Beavis: [Sees two men fighting] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Maybe we should like…take some points off because that was pretty cool.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: [yelling] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!
- Beavis: Um…what?
- Butt-head: NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
- Butt-head: Uhh…I dunno.
Eve's Plum, "Blue"
[edit]- Beavis: WATER, WATER! Yeah, yeah! WATER, WATER!
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis?
- Beavis: I - I don't know, water's cool!
- Butt-head: Hmm.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: This seems pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Ooohh, baby! Ye-eah!
- Butt-head: Ooh, baby!
- Beavis: Yeah. This chick is hot!
- Butt-head: Chicks are cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: This chick's pretty hot, but it's like, she has a tendency to wear too many clothes.
- Beavis: If she would just, like, take that damn turtleneck off, then it's like, "Heeeeyyy, baby! yeeaahh!"
- Colleen Fitzpatrick: ...heading my direction...
- Beavis: WHOA! Whoa, did she say "erection"?!
- Butt-head: I hope so!
- Beavis: I'll say. Errrection!
- Butt-head: I don't care if you say it, Beavis!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Well - well, I think she said it. Really.
- Butt-head: Dammit, this video's been on for two minutes, and she's still not naked.
- Beavis: Well, her face is naked.
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis? Every girl's face is naked!
- Beavis: Really? That'd be cool if, like, they put clothes on their face, but then, like, not on their body. Yeah. I'd settle for that.
- Butt-head: Yeah! I bet chicks would go for that!
- Beavis: Ass naked rules.
- Butt-head: Uhh, alright!
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.
- Beavis: Really? Yeah, I guess so.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you know, it’s kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.
- Beavis: Yeah, I guess so. I see what you’re saying. It’s kinda…[hums the melody] Yeah, this is really cool.
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [laughs] Dumbass.
- Beavis: I know. Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: You really like this crap.
- Beavis: No I don’t, Butt-head, I was just kidding!
- Butt-head: What a wuss!
- Beavis: Butt-head…stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!
- Beavis: You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!
- Butt-head: There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.
- Beavis: This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.
F
[edit]The Fabulous Thunderbirds, "Wrap It Up"
[edit]- [video opens with several women in bikinis]
- Beavis: Whoa! Whoa! WHOA!
- Butt-head: Uh huh.
- Beavis: BOOBS AND BUTTS! Whoa, whoa!
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: Whoa, look at her! Whoa, look at that! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Boy. If this dude here can get these kind of chicks, we might actually be able to score someday.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Beavis, we need to start a band. Today.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Whoa, look at her!
- Butt-head: I mean, like, right now. While we're sitting here on our butts...
- Beavis: BOOBS!
- Butt-head: ...chicks are probably doing it with dudes in bands.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm tired of, like, sitting around and talking about it. Let's do it! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Just as soon as this video's over.
- Beavis: Uh, oh. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Like, in our band...
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Butt-head: ...we're gonna, like, sound just like this, and have the chicks and everything...
- Beavis: M hm.
- Butt-head: ...but we'll have cooler cars.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then, like, the cars we do have, it's like, they'll blow up. And they'll have, like, skulls and stuff on 'em. Ye-eah!
- Butt-head: Yeah! That'll be cool.
Donald Fagen, "Snowbound"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.
- Butt-head: Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.
- Beavis: Ummmmmmmmmm…….
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.
- Butt-head: Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah, just cool out.
- Beavis: Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?
- Butt-head: Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!
- [They begin to fall asleep]
- Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!
- Beavis: Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?
- Butt-head: Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!
"Diggin' the Grave"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?
- Butt-head: No, and I don't care, either.
- Beavis: This is Faith No More.
- Butt-head: [sarcastic] Yeah, right. Faith No More.
- Beavis: No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.
- Butt-head: They just look and sound like everything else.
- Beavis: I don't know, it kinda rocks.
- Butt-head: I wanna lay down. Move over!
- Beavis: No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.
- Butt-head: Come on, Beavis, get up!
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.
- Beavis: I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?
- Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.
- Beavis: No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: You should check it out.
- Beavis: Is it still there?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Let me go have a look. [exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.]
- Mike Patton: I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain…
- Butt-head: That doesn't sound funny.
- Beavis: [referring to a man dressed in women's clothing] That chick's pretty hot.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Ooooaaah.
- Butt-head: They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.
- Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.
- [The camera cuts back to them, and Beavis is combing his hair.]
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.
- Mike Patton: I'm easy like Sunday morning…
- Butt-head: What's so great about Sunday morning?
- Beavis: Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.
- Beavis: You know what really sucks is evening.
- Butt-head: Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah. Every single day sucks.
- [a hand is shown with an eye shooting lightning]
- Butt-head: I wish I had an eye in my hand. That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. You could, like, reach around doors and look inside at people.
- Butt-head: You said "reach around."
- Beavis: I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They're cool.
- [singer Mike Patton is seen wearing a shirt that says "MR. BUNGLE"]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Did you see that? His shirt said "Mr. Bunghole"!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Mike Patton: What is it?
- Butt-head: Uh...what is it?
- Mike Patton: What is it?
- Butt-head: What is it?
- [rain is pouring down on the band]
- Butt-head: Rain sucks.
- Butt-head: I wish this video had, like, some explosions. That would be cool.
- Beavis: It does have some explosions.
- Butt-head: Fairies grant wishes!
- Beavis: Shut up, asswipe!
- [video ends with a man playing a piano, then walking away from it; the piano then explodes]
Fatima Mansions, "The Loyaliser"
[edit]- Beavis: Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [picks up a magazine]
- Butt-head: Uhh…you don't know how to read, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?
- Butt-head: I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.
- Beavis: Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.
- Beavis: Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from Love Boat. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?
- Beavis: Ah, no. Just this one.
- Butt-head: Can I read it when you're done?
- Beavis: No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.
- Butt-head: Beavis…
- Beavis: Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.
- Butt-head: Where'd you get that, Beavis?
- Beavis: I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.
- Butt-head: Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?
- Beavis: You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.
- Beavis: Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those videos where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.
- Butt-head: You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.
- Butt-head: I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: Art sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's all like…you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colors…
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's all, uhh…[the pair fall asleep]
- [the instrumentation shifts in dynamics, focusing more on distorted guitars]
- Butt-head: Uhh!
- Beavis: Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.
- Butt-head: Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be cool right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.
- Butt-head: It still has all this blurry crap.
- Beavis: Well, um, at least the music is in focus.
- Butt-head: Uhh…oh yeah.
- Butt-head: I think this is a buzz clip.
- Beavis: You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um…y'know, like, they had something in the um…um…you know, where they, uh…[the pair resume sleeping]
- [the video ends]
- Beavis: [yells] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!
- Butt-head: [disorientated] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!
- Wayne Coyne: She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast…
- Beavis: He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I can make toast.
- Butt-head: Uh-oh. I think this is college music.
- Beavis: Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like…they're in a field.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Fields suck!
- Butt-head: How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?
- Beavis: Yeah. [sings off-key] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!
"Turn It On"
[edit]- Beavis: We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.
- Butt-head: Uhh, why?
- Beavis: Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, "So, I bet that underwear was on your butt." You know what I mean?
- Butt-head: That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say "So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say "Since you're already doing a load…", heh, load…"Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?" And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.
- Butt-head: And then your underwear would be in there with her's.
- Beavis: I'm ready for love.
John Fogerty, "Old Man Down the Road"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey, check it out, that looks like that Jungle Ride.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's so stupid.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: You get in there and there's that guy with that, like, safari hat on and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah. When I used to go on that thing, I used to just, like, jump off the boat and just, like, wade around in the water, then like, go off into the bushes and just sit there by myself.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go, "Poopapoo!"
- Beavis: You know what another cool ride to jump off of is? Is the, uh, the Haunted House. I used to, like, go in there, and then I'd, like, jump off the car. And then I'd go over by the witches, and wait 'til the next car comes, and put a broom up my butt and go, "Poopapoo!"
- Butt-head: Beavis, witches don't put brooms up their butt, they put 'em between their legs!
- Beavis: Really? I wish someone had told me that before I ruptured my sphincter. I have a splinter in my bunghole the size of a pencil.
- Butt-head: Uhh...you're just joking, right, Beavis?
- Beavis: Um...n - uh...oh. Um, no.
- Butt-head: Hey, that's that dude from Nirvarna.
- Beavis: Um...um, Butt-head, I don't think that dude's with us anymore. You shouldn't say that.
- Butt-head: I'm talking about the drummer, dumbass!
- Beavis: Um, I've never seen that drummer before in my life! That's not him.
- Butt-head: No, buttmunch! I'm talking about the drummer from Nirvarna is playing guitar here.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Oh yeah, you're right.
- Beavis: You know um, these are kinda, you know, like nice colors, you know? They're all orangey and kinda pretty and stuff.
- Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? Do you, like, swing on that side now?
- Beavis: Um...um, do I swing? No, I haven't...I haven't been to the swings since I was, like, eight years old. Um...I don't even think we have a swingset anymore. What are you talking about?
- Butt-head: Uh, never mind, Beavis. Dumbass.
- Beavis: Why are all these dudes dressed up in white?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think it's like, they all drive ice cream trucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, that would be cool. You know, like, if instead of that dorky music the ice cream truck played, if they played this?
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then they take the ice cream and just throw it at you and scream.
- Beavis: Yeah! And then you could just, like, drive the ice cream truck across your lawn and just tear ass, and be like "I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, BWAAA!!!" That would rule!
Lita Ford with Ozzy Osbourne, "Close My Eyes Forever"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Ozzy!
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah! Uh...why is he whining?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, w - what's goin' on here?
- Butt-head: Uh...
- Beavis: Um...boy. This isn't very good.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Ozzy shouldn't have done this.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe this is Meatloaf.
- Beavis: Um, you know who I think this is, Butt-head? I think this is the Indigo Girls.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, he's making one of those monster faces.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Monster face and wuss music do not go together. It's like, he may have scared somebody with that face 20 years ago, but now you just look like some old fart.
- Beavis: Um, oh yeah. Um, you're being kinda hard on Ozzy, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: [starts laughing] I'm being what, Ozzy?
- Beavis: Hard on Ozzy. [gets why Butt-head is laughing] Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Whoa! She's one of those grubby girls.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: She wants me.
- Beavis: Yeah. Me too.
- Samantha Fox: Used to be so good and so bad, sex was something I just had...
- Butt-head: Whoa! She just had sex?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Why don't they show that?
- Beavis: Yeah. She said she just had sex.
- Butt-head: It wasn't with any of those guys.
- Butt-head: If this video had some explosions, it would be the coolest video ever.
- Beavis: Yeah. And like, if the music was cool, too.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. And they'd have to have some, like, better singing.
- Beavis: Yeah. And not those guys.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Then it would rule! [changes channel]
- Beavis: What is this?
- Butt-head: This is crap. Art sucks.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Hey, that's that guy from that country in the news.
- Beavis: Yeah. That's him.
- Butt-head: This video needs more blood.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Is that the President?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is like the ending of that Rocky 4 movie.
- Beavis: No way, asswipe! That doesn't look like Mr. T!
- Butt-head: No, dude! You're thinking of Rocky 3.
- Beavis: No, Mr. T was in Rocky 4!
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! Rocky 4 was where he kicked ass on that dude from that country.
- Beavis: No, dude, that was Rocky 2!
- Butt-head: Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes? That was cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. That was, uhh, Rocky 6.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Rocky 6 was the best one.
- Beavis: Have you seen that movie Rocky V?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's not as cool as Rocky 5, though.
- Beavis: This video has a message.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The message is, "Change it."
G
[edit]Georgia Satellites, "Keep Your Hands to Yourself"
[edit]- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: YES! YES!
- Butt-head: These guys rule!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! [imitating lead singer Dan Baird] Got no loving, no kissing!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's, like, pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: That lead singer?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: He's cool. He looks like my cousin.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Which one?
- Butt-head: Uh, you know. Richard Head?
- Beavis: This guy's teeth are cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It runs in the family. We all have cool teeth.
- Butt-head: This guy's cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He's cool.
Gerardo, "Rico Suave"
[edit]- [both imitate Gerardo]
- Butt-head: Rrrico! Suave!
- Beavis: Rrrrrico! Suave!
- [a woman in a tight dress is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Gerardo: Seguro que han oído que yo soy educado...
- Butt-head: Rentara burritos, uh, tacos... [speaks Spanish gibberish]
- Beavis: Yeah. Guacamole!
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Gerardo: You got to know how to deal with a woman that won't let go, the price you pay for being a gigolo.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. What's a gigolo?
- Butt-head: That's, like, one of those really fat dudes.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Change it. [changes channel]
- Butt-head: [laughing] Check this out!
- Beavis: Olivia Newton-John sucks!
- Butt-head: That's not Olivia Neuter-John. That's that rich chick from 90...2...uh, 6, 1.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Donna.
- Butt-head: That's not Donna! Donna's the slut. This is Kelly.
- Beavis: No way, dude! Donna's not a slut. She's the virgin, Kelly's the slut.
- Butt-head: Does she look like a slut to you, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah. That's why it's Donna!
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you just said Donna's not a slut.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That must be Kelly.
Girlschool, "Play Dirty"
[edit]- Beavis: Um...is this Alice Cooper?
- Butt-head: Uh...this is a chick, Beavis.
- Beavis: Hm.
- Butt-head: This is an all-chick band.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. You couldn't put Alice Cooper in an all-chick band anyways, 'cause like, all the chicks would just, like, be all over him.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It'd be the same way if I was in an all-girl band.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or - or like me, or something, yeah.
- [a woman is sparring with someone in a boxing ring]
- Beavis: Whoa! That chick can punch!
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that was a dude, Beavis.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, that's a chick! It's one of those...one of those girl boxers. That's cool, they can kick ass. They get in the ring and bitchslap each other.
- Butt-head: Beavis, that's not a chick, that's a dude!
- Beavis: No it's not! You said it's an all-girl band. It's like, an all girl-band, they get a chick boxer. [the boxer is punched to the ground] Whoa, look at the nads on that chick!
- Butt-head: Beavis, chicks don't have nads. How many times to I have to tell you that?
- Beavis: I know that, Butt-head! I just thought maybe, like, you know, maybe they put 'em on, you know, 'cause she's fighting. Like, clip-on nads?
- Butt-head: You're a damn weirdo, Beavis. And you're stupid, too.
- Beavis: Shut up!
- Butt-head: And chicks don't like you.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Some chicks like me.
The Go-Go's, "The Whole World Lost It's Head"
[edit]- Beavis: [Sees a woman's bare feet dangling over a road] AAH! No! Don't stub your toe! That scares me, Butt-head. It's like, you're hanging your feet off the end of the car, and then, [shows feet again] AAH! There it is again!
- Butt-head: Settle down, dumbass.
- Beavis: That's dangerous! It's like, she's letting her feet hang down, and like, it's gonna accidentally hit the asphalt, and then it's like "Ow!"
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis?
- Beavis: It's like…I want their feet to look nice, you know?
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, I like it when chicks have nice feet, y'know. [Sees feet again] KEEP YOUR FEET UP, COME ON! Then you can like…put your hands on 'em.
- Butt-head: Uh…okay, Beavis. I think you oughta just shut up.
- Beavis: [Sees feet again] FEET! FEET! OW!
- Beavis: Dammit, it's like…they keep showing naked feet and hands, and it's like…they need to show the rest.
- Butt-head: You have to wait, Beavis. They like to, you know…show a little bit at a time.
- Beavis: Okay, okay, I can wait. [sings along] Has the whole world lost its head…[Sees feet again] AAH, NO! YOU'RE GONNA STUB YOUR TOE! DAMMIT, I WANNA SEE A BOOB NOW!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!
- Butt-head: Whoa, this looks like that Cops show.
- Beavis: Yeah, really, it's like [imitates static] KSSHH!! One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a female caucasian chick standing in the road acting like a dumb ass. We're going to need back up, come on.
- Butt-head: Ah, Roger, One Adam Five. Strip her down naked and bring her to me.
- Beavis: That's a 10-4, good buddy. [speaks incomprehensible gibberish] Come on.
- Butt-head: That's pretty cool, Beavis. You could be a cop.
- Beavis: I think it's like, in my blood because I heard my dad was, like, in the navy or something.
- Beavis: This is, like, one of those dudes that's like really intense all the time, like, he wears earrings and stuff, and like, sometimes he's pretty cool, but sometimes you just like, go, "Settle down, dammit!".
- Butt-head: Yeah. Guys like this, like, they always come into Burger World telling you why meat's bad for you, and stuff. But it's like, I always tell 'em, "If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?"
- Beavis: Yeah, really. See, that's a good point.
- Butt-head: Then I tell 'em to get the hell out of my restaurant.
- Butt-head: This looks like that dude from, uhhh, from that movie, Smell of a Woman.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: You know, he was, like, blind and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, and he's like, "Hoowah! Hoowah! Hoowah!" He's a good actor.
- Butt-head: Check it out. They punch the guy, then they bring in the dancing chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Interrogation is cool.
- Beavis: I didn't know you knew any big words.
- Butt-head: I do when the words are cool. Like "diarrhea." And "assphyxiation."
- Beavis: Yeah. And "seminefrious tubules."
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was pretty cool, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah.
Goo Goo Dolls, "Only One"
[edit]- Butt-head: So if you were on a desert island, and you could only bring three things, what would you bring?
- Beavis: Well, let me think. I'd bring some crackers, so I'd have something to eat. And then I'd bring a swimsuit, so I could go swimming. And I'd bring some Cheez Whiz to put on the crackers.
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: So what would you bring, Butt-head? You know, if you were on a desert island?
- Butt-head: I'd bring three chicks. Then I'd have a massage-a-thra.
- Beavis: You know, I wanna do mine over again. I wanna bring three chicks too.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you can't do it over again, you already blew it. I'll be scoring with three chicks while you'll be eating crackers and choking your chicken.
- Beavis: No way, really? Dammit!
- Beavis: Whoa, look at that shoe! Look, high heels!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That must mean there's a chick.
- Beavis: Or Todd Rundgren.
- Butt-head: Who?
- Beavis: Todd Rundgren.
- Butt-head: Who the hell is he, Beavis?
- Beavis: You don't know who Todd Rundgren is?
- Butt-head: Uh, no. And you don't either.
- Beavis: Um…oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh…he's drinking.
- Beavis: I can hardly wait 'till I get older and like, get a job and stuff so I can drink.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I plan on doing some smoking too.
- Butt-head: Hey, that's that street where Madonna wanted to have her baby.
- Beavis: So what?
- Butt-head: Well, then you think of something to say, bunghole! At least I'm trying.
- Beavis: Okay, I will think of something to say. Schlong. Poop. Anything's better than that.
- [a woman grows to an enormous size]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out!
- Beavis: She must have been drinking milk, because she's getting bigger, see?
- Butt-head: Yeah. And her boobs got bigger too.
- Beavis: Whoa, hey, that just gave me an idea! You know what would be cool, is if they could make me big, then shrink me again, but keep my wiener the same size! That would rule, because then I'd have this gigantic schlong!
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. But, like, if they could really do that, then you could just have them just make your wiener bigger.
- Beavis: No no, Butt-head. I'm saying they make me bigger, see then because my wiener would get bigger, then shrink me, and keep my wiener the same size.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis! What are you talking about? Who are "they?" And who cares anyway? Just shut up!
- Beavis: Well…I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Ariana Grande, "34+35"
[edit]- Butt-head: This is that video where Ariana Grande had a lab, and she was gonna cure cancer, but then she was just like, "Nah, let's just make a bunch of slut robots."
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah, she's creating a Franken-slut. Yeah yeah! [the female robot comes to life] "It's alive! It's alive! It's a slut!"
- Butt-head: Presenting the Slut-bot 3000, the cutting edge in slut technology.
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head, it seems like all that metal would like cut up your schlong, you know?
- Butt-head: That's why you'd need like a special metal robo-schlong.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, that would be cool.
- Butt-head: She's gonna get it on with the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, he's got an iron schlong. Yes.
- Butt-head: Yeah, he'll be like, "Well, I guess I don't need a heart anymore."
- Beavis: "If I only had a schlong..."
- Butt-head: Tin Woodsman. [cackles]
- [the two laugh]
- Butt-head: Look at this! What a bunch of crap!
- Butt-head: Is this a Clearasil commercial?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is stupid!
- Beavis: Yeah. And it sucks, too.
Grant Lee Buffalo, "Mockingbirds"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this another video with big Muppets?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, here we go. Seems like they have these, like, big bird things in every video now.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: I was just thinking, you know, you ever notice, um…Big Bird? He never poops.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, they should have him poop. Then it'd be more realistic.
- Butt-head: [laughs] Then Big Bird could have a big turd.
- Beavis: [laughs] Oh yeah, that's pretty good, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: I'm pretty funny.
- Beavis: You know, if I was a big bird, I'd fly around in the sky and stuff, and then, like, fly over people and poop on their lunch. I'd be like [imitates dive-bomber] "Nyaaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!-nyaaaaaaaanyaaaaa-poop!"
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, that would rule. Actually, y'know I probably could do that without being a bird. It's like, I could go into the cafeteria, and just like stand up on the table, y'know, and pull down my pants and like, go around while people are eating their lunch and just go "Poop!"
- Butt-head: Okay, settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: And run over there and go "Poop!" A little "Poop!" over there.
- Butt-head: That's enough.
- Beavis: It's chicken-fried steak! Poop!
- Butt-head: Uhh…this is kinda irritating.
- Beavis: Hehe, yeah. I bet this is one of those songs that, like, it sucks right now, but then later on it starts rocking.
- Butt-head: Uhh, how do you know?
- Beavis: Cause, that one guy's got a goatee.
- Butt-head: Uhh, oh. Well, let's see. [the chorus starts, but it doesn't start rocking] Uuuuhhhh!!! Is that what you're talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: What's going on?
- Butt-head: What the hell is going on here?
- Beavis: Yeah, what…what is this??
- Butt-head: [imitates an arpeggio in the song] Dududududududuh-daaaaaaaaahhh!!!
- Butt-head: This is like that easy listening stuff.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. How come they call that easy listening, when it's like, it's really hard to listen to? It makes me sick!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you promised that this would start rocking!
- Beavis: I didn't promise, Butt-head, I said maybe it would start rocking!
- Butt-head: Well, maybe I'm gonna smack you upside the head, dumbass.
- Beavis: Well, I'm gonna kick your ass, I promise. Butthole.
- [the chorus starts again]
- Butt-head: [[sings in imitation again] Uhh…dududududududuh-daaaahhh!!! How come these guys suck so much?
- Beavis: Yeah. They dress up like they're gonna rock, but then they just suck!
- Butt-head: Yeah. These guys are like a cross between Stone Temple Pilots and…
- Beavis: Yeah, and my nads…
- Butt-head: Nelson, and…
- Beavis: And my butt…
- Butt-head: Billy Joel, and like, uhh…
- Beavis: And some turds…
- Butt-head: Eddie Rabbitt…
"Basket Case"
[edit]- Butt-head: This looks like that movie, One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, where they got those guys from Taxi, only they're retarded.
- Butt-head: Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them…uhh, mentally superior or something.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Remember that big Indian dude in that movie?
- Butt-head: Mm-hm.
- Beavis: He was cool. And then he couldn't talk unless he was talking about gum.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you're not supposed to call them Indian either.
- Beavis: No way, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You're supposed to call them African American.
- Butt-head: This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken". And then the doctor says "Then why don't you choke her?"
- Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitates chicken] Bawk-ba-bawk!
- Beavis: Check it out, he's watching TV.
- Butt-head: Yeah! And it's like, we're watching TV, so it's like, we're watching two TVs for the price of one.
- Beavis: Um … what two TVs? I don't understand.
- Butt-head: Beavis, we're watching TV, and then there's another TV in the TV.
- Beavis: Oh. There's like a TV inside the TV? Let's break it open and find it! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Boy, Beavis. You're stupid.
- Beavis: Well, well…okay.
- Butt-head: Look at his mouth.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It's all encrustulated with grobiels of feces.
- Butt-head: See what I mean, Beavis? You got like, some problem of something.
- Beavis: Yeah well, your, uh… your mom, you uh, your mom … yeah.
- Beavis: Oh, look at the monkey! You know what they should do? They should like, break that couch. They should like, just rip it up. Like, break it.
- Butt-head: Uh … yeah.
- [[Billie Joe Armstrong]] begins stabbing the couch]
- Beavis: Yeah, like that!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! BREAK IT! RIP IT!
- Butt-head: Break it!
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: GET IN THERE
- Butt-head: Kick it! Kick the couch!
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! No, no no, don't stop!
- Butt-head: Don't stop!
- Beavis: Don't stop, dammit!
- Butt-head: Quitters never win!
"Fathom"
[edit]- [various images flash rapidly on the screen]
- Beavis: Whoa, is this Faces of Death 3?!
- Butt-head: Uhhh, no, it's just a video. Butthole.
- Beavis: Hey, how come this guy's wearing a dress?
- Butt-head: Because he's doing his laundry, dumbass.
- Beavis: Oh, really?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! BUT MMMEEEEEEEEEEEE-AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, it was cool!
- Beavis: Whoa, a toilet! Cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Toilets are cool. They figured, like, since this song was getting wimpy right there, they'd like, just, throw a toilet out.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I think it helped. I-I wonder if there's a turd inside it?
- Butt-head: That's a good question, Beavis. I wondered that myself.
- [one of the band members jumps around and falls over]
- Butt-head: That guy fell over.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! He's gonna get kicked out of the band.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That dude in the dress doesn't put up with that crap.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "You stand up straight, play your guitar, and SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!"
- [images of explosions and car crashes are shown]
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Whoa, whoa, look, look! Eeh, yeah, yeah, car accidents! Yeah!
- Butt-head: That was cool! Uh…
- Beavis: Uh, laundry! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
"Is It What You Wanted"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey, who is this?!
- Butt-head: Uh, this is Greta. And this time, he's gone too far!
- Beavis: Whoa, look at that wiener!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Greta's got quite a unit on him!
- Beavis: Yeah! [laughing] He probably has to wear a dress, 'cause like, he can't fit his unit inside a normal pair of pants! It's like, he tries to put his pants on, and it just goes "Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"
- Beavis: You know one cool thing about having a big wiener, it's like, it's like, it protects your nads, you know?
- Butt-head: Uh…
- Beavis: It's like, it acts as a shield.
- Butt-head: I guess. But getting kicked in the wiener is no picnic either, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, but it doesn't hurt as bad, Butt-head. Trust me. Here, I'll demonstrate.
- [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the groin, causing Butt-head to cry out in pain]
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Beavis: Oh, I forgot! You have a small wiener!
- Butt-head: Ugh [coughs].
- Beavis: You don't have any "nad protection"! Yeah, that was cool!
- Butt-head: [coughing] Beavis, as soon as my nads feel better, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you. Buttknocker!
- Beavis: Butt-head. I'm gonna kick you in the nads again! Don't call me that!
- Butt-head: You wussy….
"Fear No Evil"
[edit]- [both are laughing]
- Beavis: It's this again.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check it out.
- Beavis: Oh wow, it's Grim Reaper again. Whoa, look at that big boat.
- Butt-head: These videos are funny.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: These guys should be on that show The State.
- Beavis: Yeah. Because they suck.
- [the band members are using a giant battering ram to break down a door]
- Beavis: Whoa, what is that thing?
- Butt-head: It's like, these guys suck so bad, they have to go to their concerts in these armoured vehicles.
- Beavis: You know, that singer, um, he looks a little better in this video, it's like, he doesn't look as ugly as, uh…never mind.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad he's not good looking like me.
- [commenting on a wolfman with huge claws]
- Butt-head: Uhh…I think that's supposed to be Wolverine.
- Beavis: That's not Wolverine. No, that's not Wolverine.
- Butt-head: I know, but like, you know, in England they probably, like, draw him different, because they're dumb.
- Beavis: No. That's not Wolverine.
- Butt-head: Yeah it is, but he's just like, you know, a little different than the American Wolverine.
- Beavis: That is not Wolverine, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Okay, okay, buttmunch, it's not Wolverine! Who cares? Now just shut the hell up so at least I can have a good time watching this crap!
- Beavis: Well, how can you have a good time, if it's not really Wolverine, and you think it is…
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, shut up!
"Rock You to Hell"
[edit]- [laughter can be heard]
- Butt-head: [without emotion] Ha ha ha ha ha.
- Beavis: Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. [sees the band] AAAHHH!! OH NO, IS THIS GRIM REAPER?! OH, GOD! OH, DAMMIT!
- [the lead singer rises up from laying down]
- Butt-head: UH!
- Beavis: AAH! What was that? Was that a bulldog?
- Butt-head: I think it was a Shih Tzu.
- Beavis: Yeah. [Cornholio accent] Shih Tzu! Sha-hih Tzu!
- Butt-head: You know, maybe if they put more suck bands in prison...
- [the lead singer is shown again]
- Beavis:: AAH!
- Butt-head: ...people would like, you know, try to stay out of prison.
- Beavis: Maybe it - maybe it would have, um, uh...uh, a - a positive, eh, um, effect on some, uh, generations of - of the youth.
- Butt-head: Beavis, quit trying to sound smart.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Um...actually, um, I think they all should just get the chair!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Including Grim Reaper. Yeah.
- Butt-head: He's got a fat little face.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's got, like, that really bloated face look like you get when you eat too many of those urinal mints.
- Butt-head: Uh...what are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: You know, you know, those little round things in urinals, you know, that they put there, you know, so you can, you know, like, freshen up after you take a leak.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're not supposed to eat those!
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah. Yeah. I knew that. Yeah, I was just kidding.
- Butt-head: Dumbass!
"See You in Hell"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this Spın̈al Tap?
- Beavis: Tap is cool!
- Butt-head: This isn't Spın̈al Tap! This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah, this sucks!
- Butt-head: Where'd these guys get their clothes?
- Beavis: They bought it at that rock and roll store at the mall.
- Beavis: I think these guys played at the state fair last year?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They won a blue ribbon in the pig contest.
- Beavis: Yeah. Because he's fat!
- Beavis: Aaahhh! Shut up! Shut up!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Shut up!
- Beavis: You suck!
- Butt-head: Stop in the name of all that which does not suck!
- [video opens with a woman in body paint, with the American flag painted on her face]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That chick is naked!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: She has the flag on her face.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republican for which it stands, invisible--
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! We're missing this video! And it doesn't even suck.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah!
- Butt-head: This kicks butt!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: That drummer has lights coming out of his butt.
- Beavis: Yeah. Lights are cool!
- Butt-head: Especially when they come out of your butt.
- Butt-head: These guys must be, like, hallucinating.
- Beavis: Yeah. Like back in the '60s, when you like, see stuff that you don't believe.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I must be hallucinating now. I can't believe they're playing something cool.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [crab, dinosaur, and robot toys are shown]
- Butt-head: Toys are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: These guys rock!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! They rock!
"Jack the World"
[edit]- Butt-head: This is what it's all about.
- Beavis: It's like, you watch all these videos, you watch TV, everything sucks, and then something like this comes on, and it's like, it's cool!
- Beavis: It's like, you have to watch TV for hours and hours and hours before you see this video, but it's like, when you do it's all worth it.
- Butt-head: It sure is. You know what they should do? They should, like, tell you what time the video's like in TV Guide or something.
- Beavis: That would be cool. But then it's like, you'd still have to like, watch for hours and hours and hours until it came on.
- Butt-head: No you wouldn't, Beavis! It's like, if they say it's gonna be on like, at eleven o'clock or something, then like, you know when it's gonna be on.
- Beavis: Yeah, but like, if it's like, six o'clock, then it's like, you have to keep watching it, because it's not on.
- Butt-head: Uhh…oh yeah. Well, at least you what time it's on, though.
- Beavis: So, how do you know what time it is?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I dunno. I guess you'd have to keep watching until the video came on. Then it's like, you'd know what time it is.
"The Road Behind"
[edit]- Butt-head: All right! GWAR!
- Beavis: Yeah. GWAR is cool!
- Butt-head: GWAR, GWAR, GWAR! GWAR, GWAR, GWAR!
- Butt-head: GWAR kicks ass!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: GWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!
"Saddam a Go-Go"
[edit]- Beavis: Yes, yes, GWAAAARRRR! Yeah, alright!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Whoa, GWAR has horns now?
- Butt-head: Yeah, they taught the sex slaves to play horns. It's, like, Balsac told 'em: "Throwing blood and urine in the audience isn't enough. You guys need to learn how to play something."
- Butt-head: I heard that one time, this kid had, like, a seizure at a GWAR concert, and that singer dude told everybody not to help him.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Uh oh, it's happening…[convulses as if he were having a seizure]
- Butt-head: I'm not gonna help you. Oderus Urungus would want it that way.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Butt-head.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out. [sings along] He died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died and he died…[Butt-head smacks him] Whaahh!! Oh, thanks, Butt-head. I was stuck.
- Beavis: Uh…whoa, cool! Look at that giant worm thing, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: It's like that worm eats really hot chicks, and then it, like, takes a dump.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Now that's a damn good show right there. [mock-Arabic accent] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they shall drown in their own blood!
- Butt-head: [also imitating an Arabic accent] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
- Beavis: The mother of all wars has begun!
H
[edit]Nina Hagen, "Herman Was His Name"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, that's a big-ass skull, Beavis-- I mean, Butt-head.
- Beavis: Who is this?
- Butt-head: Uh...is this that Toyota Jackson chick?
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like...it's like, it's Toyota Jackson dressed up like Wonder Woman.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
- Butt-head: [reacting to video] Oh no.
- Beavis: Yeah. No! NO! NO! AHHH! GET AWAY!
- Butt-head: Aaaahhhh!
- Beavis: GET AWAY! AHHH!
- Beavis: Oh my God!
- Butt-head: Is this, like, a joke?
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah!
- Butt-head: She's got one of those bathing caps on.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, what's that noise?
- Beavis: Umm...I think it's that chick.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- [John Oates is carrying a stack of presents which cover his face]
- Butt-head: Who could that be?
- [Daryl Hall takes some of the presents]
- Beavis: Whoa, it's Geraldo!
- [A group of people arrive at Hall & Oates' home and are let in. Three other people are left outside]
- Butt-head: Uh-oh, don't let Primus in.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, they'll trash the place. They'll BREAK stuff!
- Butt-head: Yeah. My name is Mud!
- Beavis: Yeah, MY NAME IS MUD! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-MUD-MUD! And then he'd SPIT!
- Butt-head: What's this guy lookin' at?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. There's his little friend!
- Beavis: [about Daryl Hall] This guy's hair is cool 'cause it looks like mine.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And he's a maneater. Are you a maneater too, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. I mean - I mean, no!
- Butt-head: He's smiling at you.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Beavis: Oh god.
- Butt-head: Look at his face.
- Beavis: Look at that crack in his chin.
- Butt-head: I think it's a buttcrack.
- Beavis: Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.
- Beavis: Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.
- [Sam Harris starts belting]
- Beavis: [drinks soda, does a spit take] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL Butt-head, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!
- Butt-head: No way. [turns the volume up to full on the television]
- Beavis: COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT Butt-head! STOP!
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Beavis: [screams unintelligibly]
- Butt-head: That sucked, Beavis.
"50-Foot Queenie"
[edit]- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, that chick from Family Ties.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is really noisy.
- Beavis: Yeah. Noise is cool.
- Butt-head: This chick is weird.
- Beavis: This chick's mouth is crooked.
- Butt-head: I wonder why.
- Beavis: Yeah. Why is it crooked?
- Butt-head: Uh… I don't know.
- Butt-head: Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.
- Butt-head: I'd like a 50 foot weenie.
"Down by the Water"
[edit]- [P.J. Harvey is wearing lipstick and a shiny red dress]
- Beavis: Well, look at that. That's that chick.
- Butt-head: Uhh...oh yeah! That chick.
- Beavis: Yeah, she looks nice when she's dressed up!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Not too shabby!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean...in that other video, she was just like, you know, looked all, I don't know, you know. I mean, she looked all right, you know. Ooohh!
- Butt-head: Yeah, really! She looks kinda sexy!
- Butt-head: How come chicks in videos never dress up? It's like, they always, like, come out all skanky looking.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I think they do that on purpose, because they think that, like, people want to see 'em looking all skanky, but I think like, people don't really want to see that. People want to see 'em, like, you know, looking all sexy and you know, like, with some lipstick, and you know, some long hair, and you know, show a little bit of, uh, you know...
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, this chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. And her nose is kinda big too, yeah.
- Butt-head: And you know what they say about having a big nose.
- Beavis: Ohh yeah, yeah. She probably's got a big schlong, too.
- Butt-head: Yeah! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- Beavis: Um, you can't really do that, Butt-head. So don't even try.
- Butt-head: Uh, I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.
- Beavis: Um...
- P.J. Harvey: [whispers] Little fish, big fish, swimming in the water.
- Beavis: Boy, this chick is freaky! This whispering is freaking me out, Butt-head, I don't like this.
- Butt-head: Yeah. [whispers] I'm not gonna change the channel, Beavis.
- Beavis: It doesn't freak me out when you do it, Butt-head. It sounds stupid when you do it.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? Well, you're gonna be freaked out when you find this remote shoved up your butt sideways.
- Beavis: Um, that wouldn't freak me out that much, I'd just go to the bathroom and poop it out. I've done that before with stuff.
Juliana Hatfield, "What A Life"
[edit]- Beavis: Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.
- Butt-head: Uh…it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?
- Beavis: Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh…WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!
- Butt-head: You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, it was a boob.
- Butt-head: Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?
- Beavis: Um, a second is better than nothing.
- Butt-head: No it isn't. It sucks.
- Beavis: Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?
- Butt-head: 'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and nobody likes you.
- Beavis: Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.
- Butt-head: [half laughing] You don't have any friends.
- Beavis: I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.
- Butt-head: Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, you wish.
- Beavis: Aah, she's got blood in her eyes! Ew, this is freaky, Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a wuss.
- Beavis: Damn it, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like….feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.
Ofra Haza, "Im Nin'alu"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this foreign?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis. She's got money on her head.
- Beavis: Yeah. Money is cool.
- Butt-head: She's gonna take all that money on her head, and go play video games. On her horse.
- Beavis: Yeah. Is this Paula Abdulla?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Is this video about Jesus?
- Beavis: Yeah. Christ is cool.
Max Headroom, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus"
[edit]- Max: There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!
- Beavis: Is it Sting?
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!
- Max: So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!
- Butt-head: This dude stutters!
- Beavis: Yeah, that's cool!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
- Butt-head: Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
- Butt-head: Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!
"Pat's Trick"
[edit]- [video opens with Mary Timony dragging a hoe]
- Beavis: Um, what is that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it's a hoe.
- Bravos: Um, yeah I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Oh, um...why is that funny?
- Butt-head: Because, Beavis. You thought when I said "a hoe," that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.
- Beavis: Um, okay, but - but why is that funny?
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis! 'Cause, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.
- Beavis: I'll be damned. I didn't know that.
- Butt-head: You know, it's like, "choking your chicken" could be, like, you know, if you had a pet chicken, and you were, like, choking it. Or it can mean, you know, like, you're choking your chicken.
- Beavis: [laughing] Oh yeah! Now that's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. Yeah. Yes, I - I get that one. Okay, okay! I got one! Masturbating! [laughs]
- Butt-head: Uhhhhh...that doesn't work, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, it does! I do it all the time!
- Butt-head: This chick has small nostrils.
- Beavis: Yeah, well um, I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head. You look like a cow.
- Butt-head: Uh, well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.
- Beavis: Um...oh yeah. It means you have lots of loogie.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay, Beavis. You'll be thinking about loogies, and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.
"XXX"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.
- Butt-head: I think this chick just like, woke up or something.
- Beavis: She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something.
- Butt-head: She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.
- Beavis: She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Musicians rule.
- Butt-head: Check it out! Her guitar's broken.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah!
- Beavis: They should break that escalator too. That would rule.
- [The lead singer is destroying an overhead projector]
- Beavis: Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!
- Butt-head: Yeah! I hate those things.
- Beavis: Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.
- [A bandmember resembles Jim Carrey]
- Butt-head: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective!
- Butt-head: Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, and then they just leave.
- [A human body in a suit with a Jack-o'-lantern head appears on screen.]
- Butt-head: Whoa, is that the Great Pumpkin?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Hey, Butt-head, what's the Great Pumpkin from again?
- Butt-head: It's from that Charlie Brown thing. That show about that bald kid.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: It's that kid with the blanket that believes in the Great Pumpkin.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, um, Penis.
- Butt-head: His name's not "Penis." It's "Anus."
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah, Anus.
- Butt-head: You're getting him mixed up with that dude Choder who plays the piano. He's a penis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. That's not cool to call someone a "penis" just because they play the piano.
- Butt-head: No, Beavis, that's what you call someone who plays the piano. You call them a penis.
- Beavis: Wow, really? That's cool. You know what we should do? We should go to that piano store in the mall and just start saying, "Penis! Penis! Penis!"
- Butt-head: Yeah! That's a good idea, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah. So, like, uh, like, what happens with that Great Pumpkin? Like, what's he supposed to do?
- Butt-head: He, like comes out of the pumpkin patch at night, and he, uh...
- [A woman in the video pulls up the tatters of her very short dress.]
- Butt-head: WHOA! You can see up that chick's dress!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: So, uh, anyways, uh...what was I talking about?
- Beavis: You were talking about seeing up that chick's dress.
- Butt-head: Oh, yeah.
- Beavis: That drummer looks like a regular guy.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If you, like, saw these guys on the street, you wouldn't even know that they're cool.
"Wilma's Rainbow"
[edit]- Beavis: What's happening to this dude's face?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.
- Beavis: Really? That's dumb.
- Butt-head: It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.
- Beavis: When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [Beavis's face is in his neutral expression]
- Butt-head: Yeah. I usually use this expression. [Butt-head grimaces] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.
- Beavis: I usually use this one when I'm lying. [Beavis's face is once again in neutral] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.
- Butt-head: This one usually works for me. [Butt-head grimaces]
- Beavis: I usually use this one. [Beavis's face is once again in neutral]
- Butt-head: That's a pretty good one, Beavis.
- Butt-head: [The screen says Violet] Uh…violence?
- Beavis: Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.
- Butt-head: Check it out! Hole!
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uh…this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?
- Beavis: Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole.
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah. Hole!
- Butt-head: So like, the sign at the beginning said "violence", and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.
- Beavis: Yeah, really! That sucks!
- Butt-head: Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.
- Beavis: I'll show you my butthole if you want. [Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face] Ow!
- Beavis: You know, I heard this Hole chick is a slut.
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [Beavis's eyes widen] YEAH!
- Butt-head: You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that Tori Spelling chick.
- Beavis: Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.
- Butt-head: What kind of a name is Hole anyways?
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.
- Butt-head: It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.
- Beavis: Yeah, but then why would he, um…oh yeah!
- Beavis: AAHHHHHH! [Butt-head laughs throughout the video] THIS SUCKS! AHHHH! AHH, BUTT-HEAD! Change it, this sucks!
- Butt-head: No way! Suffer, dude!
- Beavis: Give me that thing, Butt-head! Come on, give me the remote, this sucks! This isn't funny, Butt-head, come on!
- Butt-head: Give me a dollar.
- Beavis: That's not funny, Butt-head, come on, this sucks! AAHHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis. Don't soil your drawers. [changes channel]
- Butt-head: [moans]
- Beavis: Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?
- [The song appears to end]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Is this video over?
- Beavis: Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!
- Butt-head: Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!
- Beavis: Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?
I
[edit]- Butt-head: This was before the music revolution.
- Beavis: Hey, this looks like that Les Miserables poster. In Mrs. Dickey's class?
- Butt-head: Yeah. This Les Miserables-looking thing sucks.
- Billy Idol: With the record selection and the mirror's reflection, I'm dancing with myself...
- Beavis: This guy does everything by himself.
- Butt-head: Hey! I detect masturbatory overtones.
- Beavis and Butt-head: [singing with Billy Idol] Playing with myself! Oh oh, playing with myself!
- Billy Idol: Well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove, I'll be dancing with myself...
- Butt-head: He's talking about choking his chicken.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's talking about spanking his monkey.
- Iggy Pop: The cops are well-groomed, with muscled physiques in Butt Town…
- Butt-head: Butt Town?
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what he said! He said Butt Town!
- Butt-head: This is cool!
- Beavis: Butt Town!
- Iggy Pop: If you live in Butt Town….
- Butt-head: Yeah! If you live in Butt Town…
- Iggy Pop: …you gotta get down.
- Butt-head: Yeah! You gotta get down!
- Beavis: Butt Town! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Butt Town rules.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, where is Butt Town?
- Butt-head: I don't know, but I'm gonna find a map and go there.
- Beavis: Can I come too?
- Butt-head: Uh… no, Beavis. Dumbass.
- Butt-head: This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
- Butt-head: Yeah. This dude should hook up with Sir Mix-a-Lot, and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.
"Three Headed Mind Pollution"
[edit]- [Beavis is sitting on the couch by himself while Butt-head is in the bathroom]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head! Butt-head, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: What? WHAT?!
- Beavis: Come here, quick! [to himself] This is cool. Butt-head, come here, quick!
- Butt-head: Uh! [he flushes the toilet and rushes over to the couch] What?
- Beavis: Cool! Check this out Butt-head, this is cool!
- Butt-head: Uhhhhhh, is there a naked chick?
- Beavis: No, but check it out, this is cool!
- Butt-head: It is?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Oh wait, check it out!
- Butt-head: Beavis, what are you talkin' about?
- Beavis: Well check it out, see, see?! This guy has a like, one of those dog things on his neck! That's cool! Yeah! Then check this out, check this out, this guy's about to stab this guy, see, he's got a spear! He's chasin' him, YEAH, YEAH, GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM! YES, YES!
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis.
- Beavis: This is so cool! Yes, yes!
- Butt-head: You got me out of the bathroom to see a dog collar?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! It's pretty cool, huh? Yeah.
- Butt-head: What's wrong with you, Beavis?
- Beavis: Ummm, I don't know!
- Beavis: Whoa! Cool! This RULES! It rules! Yeah, YES! Yeah! Hey Butt-head, now check this out, see, check it out, this guy's chasin' him, STAB HIM, STAB HIM! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis! You're not supposed to get me out of the bathroom unless it's like a naked chick or something.
- Beavis: Yeah, but even like, if this video really does suck, I bet you forgot to wipe!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
"Violent and Funky"
[edit]- Beavis: Those squares remind me of that game all those stupid dorks play…um, chest.
- Beavis: Yeah. It doesn't even have anything to do with boobs.
- Mike Muir: …but a .357 gonna blow your damn head off!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what's a 357?
- Butt-head: Uh…that's like when someone turns all the way around in a circle when they're like slam-dunking or something.
- Butt-head: If I was a clown, I'd make it so like my head would explode when you pull my finger, and all this crap would like fly out of my head and land on other people and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah. If I was a clown, I'd go to all the parties, and like eat all the cake, and take stuff home with me.
- Butt-head: That's what you do at parties anyway, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, but then I'd be a clown, so I'd like have all these big shoes and stuff, so it'd be different.
- Butt-head: If I was a clown, I'd kick your ass, Beavis, until it's beet red and I'd say, [Clown-like voice] "Look, kiddies! Look at his butt!"
- Beavis: Yeah, and then I'd say, "Thanks for coming to the show. Hope you had a good time. See you next time."
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would be cool.
"Devil Inside"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this, like, Satanic music?
- Beavis: No way, dude, it's not cool enough. [imitates the song's bass guitar riff, Butt-head soon joins in]
- Butt-head: If you play this backwards, it says, "This sucks."
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: These guys are from, like, Austria or something.
- Beavis: Yeah. Like that Crocodile dude. The Outback.
- Butt-head: You said "outback."
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. [bad Australian accent] "A dingo took your baby!"
- Butt-head: You said "dingo"! What if a dingo bit off your dingo? That would be cool!
- Beavis: No it wouldn't! That would suck!
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Let's rock. [changes channel]
- [video is set underwater]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis! Have you ever, like, gone to a public pool, and then like, gone underwater and looked at people's butts?
- Beavis: Yeah. That's cool. I do it all the time!
- Butt-head: This is wuss music!
- Beavis: Yeah. [changes channel]
- Beavis: Oh!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Hey, this looks like it might be good. Yeah!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Uh huh. Yeah! [a missile strikes a road sign] OOOOHHH!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Ye-eeaah! Now we're getting somewhere!
- Butt-head: It's like, you can say what you want about Maiden, but when it comes to making videos, they don't screw around.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Like, even if Maiden did unplug, I bet they'd still have explosions. Yeah! And chicks!
- Butt-head: Yeah, they'd be, like, "We're not gonna unplug the explosion machine, dude. That's what got us here."
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Iron Maiden: Hell is from here to eternity.
- Butt-head: Hell is from here to eternity?
- Beavis: Um, wait a minute. That can't be true, Butt-head. 'Cause, like, if Hell was really, like, from here to eternity...
- Butt-head: M hm.
- Beavis: ...then that means, like, Hell was, like, everywhere. So like, it's like - like, everywhere is Hell, so it's like, if you say to somebody, "GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL!", you're just, like, really saying, "Stay right there!" You know. You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: So like, it's like, Hell is from here--
- Butt-head: Uh, go to Hell, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um, okay. No problem. I'll stay right here. See?
- Butt-head: No, I mean, just shut up! It's like, every time you try to figure something out...
- Beavis: Uh huh?
- Butt-head: It's just, like, stupid.
- Beavis: I understand, yeah.
Chris Isaak, "Somebody's Crying"
[edit]- Beavis: Um...what is this?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't really care.
- Butt-head: Look at all these people just lying around like a bunch of lazy slobs!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. They need to get up and get a job!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Dammit!
- Butt-head: Did you know that in California, any chick will do it with you?
- Beavis: Really? You mean, like, all the girls are sluts?
- Butt-head: Yep.
- Beavis: Whoa, now that is cool! Yeah, yeah! Let's go!
- Butt-head: You know another thing about California, is like, all the dudes there looks like Kato Kaelin.
- Beavis: You know, um, he seems like a great guy, you know?
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's how come, like, you know, everyone just lets him live at their house, you know, like O.J. Simpson. He goes, "You know, you're a great guy. Why don't you come on over and stay a while?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd let him crash here because, you know, 'cause he seems like such a great guy.
- Butt-head: Yeah. What a great guy!
- Beavis: Yeah. Except he kinda looks like the ass end of a dolphin.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah, he does, sort of. But that's okay. 'Cause he's cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds, "Shuffle It All"
[edit]- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. What Izzy?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Who Izzy?
- Butt-head: Izzy quit Guns N' Roses 'cause Axl's a wuss.
- Beavis: Yeah. He kicked Axl's ass! He kicked him! Kicked him! And he hit him!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! You're gonna hose your shorts.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- [a train is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Look at that car.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's all, like, long.
- Butt-head: Mass transit is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. I like ass transit, too.
J
[edit]- Janet Jackson: Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?
- Beavis: Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was pretty cool!
- Beavis: I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.
- Beavis: That's a pretty nice hotel.
- Butt-head: Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.
- Beavis: How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?
- Butt-head: 'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.
- Beavis: Wow. A whole hour?
- Butt-head: A whole whore.
- Beavis: Yeah, a whole whore.
- Butt-head: You can get on the phone and be like "Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores…"
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! "And a side order of POOP!"
- Butt-head: Uh, what did you say, Beavis?
- Beavis: Oh, I was just saying, "And a side order of POOP!"
- Butt-head: Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
- Beavis: Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know…I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [muttering to himself] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis.
- Butt-head: Excuse me, are those Bunghole Boys you're wearing?
- Beavis: [laughs] Bunghole Boys.
- Janet Jackson: Could you handle this?
- Butt-head: Could you handle this, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah, since I can handle this, I can probably handle that!
- [Beavis is humping the couch]
- Butt-head: Ugh! What are you doing, Beavis?
- Beavis: Doin' my monkey boy.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, get down!
- Beavis: I am gettin' down! Rat-a-tat-tat-d'atass…
The Jacksons, "Torture"
[edit]- [video opens with Jackie Jackson standing in the doorway of a temple]
- Butt-head: Hey! Where's Tito?
- Beavis: This is that Jermaine dude.
- [Jackie is shown trapped in a rubbery chamber with people trying to poke their faces in]
- Butt-head: They're in a rubber!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This should have been the Super Bowl halftime show.
- Beavis: Yeah! That would've been cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah. They could've had everybody get inside a big rubber.
- [Jackie is shown in a chamber of eyeballs; he sticks his hand in one of them and gets it covered in slime]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Guess where his hand's been!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Where's Tito?
- [camera pans over a lineup of the Jacksons, ending with Tito Jackson]
- Butt-head: TITOOO!
- Beavis: Tito's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Tito rules! He used to be in The Village People.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is torture! Change it!
- Beavis: Yeah! [changes channel]
- See also: Jackyl, "Mental Masturbation", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 11.
- Butt-head: Uhh...is this another one of those damn '80s suck videos?
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Ohhh yeah. It's from that album, The Classics of Suck.
- [the band is in gorilla costumes]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, those aren't real gorillas.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They had to get fake ones, 'cause like, they knew that real gorillas wouldn't listen to this crap.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- Butt-head: You know what animal would listen to this crap? Is a cow.
- Beavis: Yeah. Cows can listen to that crap 'cause they have like, they have like, um, uh, like, six stomachs.
- Butt-head: I bet you could get a cow to listen to like, Warrant.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Who is this buttknocker, anyways?
- Butt-head: Uh, this is James.
- Beavis: James who?
- Butt-head: His parents asked him not to use their last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. His parents said, "Son, we know you suck, and that's okay. But could you just, like, not use our name?"
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then they hugged him!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah. What a wuss!
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
- Butt-head: Whoa! It's hammer time! U can't touch this!
- Beavis: U can't touch this!
- Butt-head: Touch this! [flicks a spoon of ice cream at the TV screen]
- Beavis: I can't touch this!
- Butt-head: I can't watch this. [changes channel]
- Butt-head: Hammers are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I like to take hammers and break stuff—just break stuff. Break it!
- [three birthday cakes are seen floating over a bed]
- Beavis: Whoa, heh, she's like, seeing things! How does she do that?
- Butt-head: Uh, here I'll show you, Beavis. This might hurt a little. [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: AH!!! AHH, heh, AH! Whoa! Um, heh, uh, I don't think that worked, Butt-head. Try it again!
- Butt-head: Uh, okay! [smacks Beavis again]
- Beavis: Whenever I go to birthday parties, I like to just, like, tear open presents and break stuff, and just run around and go: "RAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"
- Butt-head: Beavis, you've never been invited to a party in your life!
- Beavis: Yeah I did, remember at Stewart's party? We were, like, playing hide and seek, and I like, [laughing] climbed in the dryer, and took a poop!
- Butt-head: Yeah! I bet his mom was surprised to find that present!
- [the girl in the video is given an axe]
- Butt-head: These are cool presents!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That dude's pretty cool for an old guy!
- Butt-head: Yeah. She didn't even thank him!
- Beavis: Yeah, if someone gave me an axe like that, I'd say: "Thank you, sir! That's a very nice axe. That was very nice of you!"
- [the girl opens up a present containing a dead, stuffed dog]
- Butt-head: Yeah, the dead dog was nice too.
- Beavis: Whoa! Hey, don't look, Butt-head, that was what I was gonna get you for your birthday!
- Butt-head: Uh, that would be cool.
- Beavis: Now I'm gonna hafta get you what I got Stewart.
- Butt-head: Beavis.
- Beavis: When I was makin' one for Stewart, I made one for you too!
- Butt-head: Beavis, I hope you've got insurance, because I'm about to kick your ass.
The Jesus and Mary Chain, "Come On"
[edit]- Beavis: Oh yeah. I've seen this video before. A chick squats later. You know...
- Butt-head: Uh, really? Can you see some cheek?
- Beavis: Oh, I don't know.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think this is The Jesus and Mary Chain.
- Beavis: Quit cursing, Butt-head. Come on.
- Butt-head: I'm not! That's the name of the band, Beavis!
- Beavis: Why would anybody name their band that?! It means like, every time that you like, um, say the name of the band, you're like, um, doing one of those, um, those sins?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They're gonna spend an eternity in Hell!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. DUN DUN DUNNN! But um, but you're probably gonna go to Hell, too, 'cause you said the name of the band.
- Butt-head: Get it on, bang your schlong.
- Beavis: Yeah, and then there's that other part: "get it on, bang a schlong, with your...dong."
- Butt-head: Yeah. Schlong.
The Jesus Lizard, "Glamorous"
[edit]- Beavis: ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?
- Butt-head: Uh huh.
- Beavis: I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
- Butt-head: Okay.
- Beavis: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
- Butt-head: Buttmunch.
- Beavis: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?
- Butt-head: Uh, Jesus Lizard.
- Beavis: Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD! Yeah. I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah. I oughta be one of those guys. I bet - I bet I could do that.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you would suck! The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities. Dumbass.
- Butt-head: Beavis...
- Beavis: Butthole.
- Butt-head: ...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!
- Beavis: Uh...oh, really?
- Butt-head: These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.
- Beavis: Yeah. They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.
- Butt-head: Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has "Jesus" in their name.
- Beavis: Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph, like, 900-Foot Jesus, you know.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And most of 'em suck!
- [Beavis and Butt-head imitate the song's opening guitar riff]
- [Joan Jett is shown opening her robe, revealing a bikini]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah.
- Butt-head: This chick has a good attitude.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- [a closeup of a man flexing his pectoral muscles is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That guy has bigger boobs than she does.
- Beavis: Yeah. Maybe we should touch them.
- Butt-head: It's a dude, Beavis!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I forgot. He does has big boobs, though.
- [two fishermen are shown flexing fishing rods to the drum beat]
- Beavis: Those are some dudes holding their rods.
- Butt-head: Yeah! That's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.
- Beavis: Why would you need a dress?? You some kind of transformer?
- Butt-head: No, Beavis! Not a dress. An address!
- Beavis: Um...yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh huh.
- Butt-head: You're stupid, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Oh man! What is this?
- Beavis: Yeah! This guy really sucks, and I'm not just saying that either!
- Butt-head: Where's he going with that magazine?
- Beavis: He's going into the bathroom, and he's taking those guys with him.
- Beavis: [Singing off-key] SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PIANO MAN!
Elton John with RuPaul, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
[edit]- [the channel was changed from the video "Demon Juice" by Sweaty Nipples]
- Butt-head: Uh, now what?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, this isn't much better. What the hell is this?
- Butt-head: That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.
- Beavis: Yeah. I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?
- Butt-head: Uhh...I don't know.
- Butt-head: I don't feel like watching this either right now.
- Beavis: Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ever.
- Butt-head: Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?
- Beavis: Yeah. Let's never watch this again. [changes channel]
- [as two people in a car jolt upright]
- Beavis: Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like, brought you back with that... infibulator?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That thing hurt.
- Beavis: They said you were dead for a while, too.
- Butt-head: Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said "I love you, Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back." And then I woke up.
- Beavis: And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?
- Butt-head: No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.
- Beavis: In a just world, they would have killed you.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's not fair.
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, "Dang"
[edit]- Beavis: All right! A video! Yeah!
- Butt-head: I like music videos.
- Beavis: Yeah, because you don't just hear the band, you see 'em too.
- Beavis: This is gonna be cool! I haven't seen a video in a while.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Look, there's like a spaceship and stuff!
- Butt-head: Wow!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! This is great. This is just great!
- Butt-head: I didn't know something could kick this much ass.
- Beavis: Yeah! Oh yeah, that's cool. That's wild.
- [Beavis and Butt-head are both laughing hysterically]
- Beavis: Ooh, she's got a bunch of arms…
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Wow!
- Beavis: That was cool!
- Butt'head: That's unbelievable!
- Beavis: Boy, I haven't seen a video in a while, that is really great!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, got any more nutmeg?
- Butt-head: I don't think so.
- Beavis: That's okay. That's okay, man. I don't need any.
- Butt-head: Wait a minute. This isn't cool. This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: Who is this?
- Butt-head: Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this Manute Bol?
- Beavis: Yeah. That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad he can't sing.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: Maybe this isn't Manute Bol.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Manute Bol sings better than this.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This man has lipstick on!
- Beavis: Yeah. This is scary. Can I sleep at your house tonight?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't know. I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.
- Beavis: Ah, never mind.
- [Beavis and Butt-head are watching a music video with a singing four-and-a-half year old]
- Beavis: Is this kid a foreigner?
- Butt-head: No, buttmunch! He's just too young to know how to talk yet.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. I knew how to talk, like, right when I was born.
- Butt-head: Really? That's pretty cool.
- Beavis: I said, "First, I, like, want something to eat, and then I'm gonna take a dump." It was cool.
- Butt-head: Wait a minute, Beavis. I thought you flunked kindergarten because you didn't know how to talk.
- Beavis: Oh, you mean, like, talking out loud? That's a whole 'nother story, Butt-head.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!
- Butt-head: No way! Check out this wuss.
- Jeremy Jordan: Woo!
- Beavis: [imitating Jeremy Jordan] Woo! IT'S THE RIGHT KIND OF LOVE!
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Beavis: Vanilla Ice sucks.
- Butt-head: Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?
- Beavis: Yeah. Change it. Change it, Butt-head! Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS! CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
Journey, "Separate Ways"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! Is this The Partridge Family?
- Beavis: Um…yeah!
- Butt-head: I think this is Barry Manilow.
- Beavis: This isn't Barry Manilow. He's blonde haired like me.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and he sucks like you too.
- Beavis: Yeah. I mean, no. Buttmunch.
- Butt-head: Uh…uhhhhh…boy, this is horrible.
- Beavis: Yeah! And it sucks too.
- Butt-head: Yeah! This video, like, like if it was a turd, it would like, be like the same thing.
- Beavis: Yeah. At least if this video was a turd, it would like…be kind of cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, this guy sucks! And then this guy! Just look at him!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah. What a dork!
- Rob Halford: FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!
- Beavis: [does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford]
- Butt-head: Hey! I feel like killing myself! I feel like killing you!
- Butt-head: They're guilty. See you in hell, Rob Hellford! This dude is old.
K
[edit]King Diamond, "The Family Ghost"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uh…uh-oh. This is horrible.
- Beavis: I kinda feel sorry for these guys, you know, because um, I think it's probably not their fault that they suck so much.
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah it is.
- Butt-head: Uh…wow. This might be the worst crap I've ever seen in my life.
- Beavis: Um…this dude kinda looks like that dude from Sesame Street…The Count.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like [imitating The Count] A-one! A-two! A-three! A-four buttknockers! Ahahahaha!
- Beavis: [also imitating The Count] Ahahahahahahaha!
- Butt-head: Oh boy. This is really sad. It's probably like, you know, he has kids and stuff, and he's like "Okay kids, I gotta put on my make-up and go do another show."
- Beavis: Yeah, you know? It's too bad, really.
- John S. Hall: This one's called "Martin Scorsese."
- Butt-head: Uhhhhhhh, "Martin Scores Easy"?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! It's hard for me to score.
- Butt-head: Hey, this is that dude who lost his penis!
- Beavis: Yeah! He did that song about how he had a "touchable penis"!
- Butt-head: This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
- Beavis: Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
- Butt-head: You're pretty stupid, Beavis!
KISS, "I Love It Loud"
[edit]- [video opens with a teenage boy eating dinner with his parents]
- Butt-head: Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?
- Beavis: Yeah. Maybe he's in trouble.
- [the boy walks over to a TV]
- Butt-head: Whoa! He's got a comb in his back pocket.
- [KISS is shown on the TV screen]
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Cool!
- Butt-head: KISS rules!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.
- Beavis: Yeah. These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.
- Butt-head: I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: ...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything. I usually kick 'em in the nads.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff. They say stuff like, "AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH!"
- Butt-head: KISS is cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. When's he gonna spit some blood?
- Butt-head: I like when he sticks his long tongue out. [Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out] Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [the boy's mother is shown]
- Butt-head: [scoffs] Old people.
- Beavis: Holy crap!
- Butt-head: Whoa! What the hell is this crap?
- Beavis: Oh my God!
- Butt-head: Is this, like, a joke?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: I think it's safe to say that this sucks.
- Butt-head: I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?
- Beavis: Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?
- Butt-head: Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.
- Beavis: Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.
- Butt-head: No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!
- Butt-head: That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.
- Beavis: That cop should hit him.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Kix: COOL! KIDS!
- Butt-head: "Krokus"?
- Beavis: No, he's saying "cool kids".
- Butt-head: These are supposed to be cool kids?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!
- Voiceover: Kill everything, kill everything…
- Beavis: Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?
- Beavis: Um…uh…no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.
- Butt-head: What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?
- Beavis: Um…no, I just care about my ass. [In Cornholio accent] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!
- Butt-head: Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.
- [An animated man is caressing his hand against a woman's side, about to reach her breast]
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!
- Butt-head: Settle down, dumbass.
- [An animated, giant woman with noticeable breasts walks by]
- Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!
- Butt-head: Uh…oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?
- Beavis: Um, yeah, what?
- Butt-head: Uh…I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.
Chris Knox, "Half Man Half Mole"
[edit]- Beavis: Cool, a cartoon.
- Butt-head: Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.
- Beavis: So? Clay can be cartoons.
- Butt-head: No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.
- Beavis: So? Drawings are things.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out…be…be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.
- Beavis: I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, Davey and Goliath.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.
- Beavis: You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?
- Butt-head: I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [imitating Goliath] "Uhh, Davey, you should try this."
- Beavis: Yeah, and then Davey said "Maybe I should pet you first." And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.
- Butt-head: I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.
- Beavis: Whoa! This looks like it might rock.
- Butt-head: Yeah, maybe.
- Beavis: Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.
- Butt-head: You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Want me to strike you?
- Beavis: No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove.
- Butt-head: Uh, Beavis?
- Beavis: However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality.
- Butt-head: What's your problem?
- Beavis: One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock.
- Butt-head: You're talking like a dork, Beavis!
- Beavis: One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter.
- Butt-head: Beavis!
- Beavis: In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from…[Butt-head hits him several times]…AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?
- Butt-head: You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? Wow.
- Butt-head: But then you did say spinxter.
- Beavis: It's pronounced spinxter, Butt-head.
Lenny Kravitz, "Is There Any Love in Your Heart"
[edit]- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! [Slaps Beavis]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. We should call him up and say "Hey man, know where any parties are at?"
- Butt-head: Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.
- Beavis: Ooh, baby.
- Butt-head: Ooh. [Beavis and Butt-head dance] Lenny rules.
- Beavis: Yeah, Lemmy does rule. Um, what does Motörhead have to do with what's going on here?
- Butt-head: No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy.
- Beavis: I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: You monkeyspank. [Smacks Beavis again]
- Butt-head: Whoa, check out that chick!
- Beavis: Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!
- Butt-head: She must be like, the spare.
- Beavis: Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.
- Butt-head: Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.
- Butt-head: Right, Beavis.
Kris Kross, "Warm It Up"
[edit]- Butt-head: Warm it up, Kris!
- Beavis: Yeah. Warm it up, Kris! Warmer! With fire!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?
- Butt-head: Kross is the Mac Daddy. And Kris is the Daddy Mac.
- Beavis: Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?
- Butt-head: I don't know. But they could both kick Axl's ass.
- Beavis: Yeah. That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. What were we born to do?
- Butt-head: Uhh...
Krokus, "School's Out"
[edit]- [The video opens in a high school classroom.]
- Butt-head: Damn it. I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.
- Beavis: Yeah. Really.
- Butt-head: If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
- [A girl in only her bra and panties appears on top of a locker.]
- Butt-head: Whoa. That locker's pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- [The song reaches the chorus. The band is doing a synchronized guitar dance.]
- Butt-head: Wait a minute. What's this? This sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah. Ahh! Ahhhahhhhyahhhhauughuuuu...
- Butt-head: Shut up.
- Butt-head: Heavy metal has come a long way.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Really.
- [Three high school girls appear on screen.]
- Butt-head: Cool. Chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Really.
- [The band is playing on stage.]
- Butt-head: This is disgusting, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's sickening.
- [Lead singer Marc Storace appears on screen.]
- Butt-head: Look at this guy.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Look at his face.
- Beavis: Look at his hair.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Look at his head.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. His whole head sucks.
- Butt-head: Yeah. His chest is no picnic, either.
- Beavis: He looks like Horshack.
- Butt-head: Yeah. With Epstein's hair.
L
[edit]L7, "Pretend We're Dead"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this The Bangles?
- Beavis: No, it's The Go-Go's.
- Butt-head: There are like, grudge chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah. Grubby chicks are cool.
- Beavis: I'm gonna get a ring in my nose.
- Butt-head: I had ringworm in my nose once. It was pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. I remember.
- [A Mars symbol shows up onscreen]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener?
- Beavis: Um… what wiener? Where?
- Butt-head: It stands for wieners everywhere.
- Beavis: Um… yeah. Good.
- LaTour: But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.
- Butt-head: Uh… people are still having sex?
- Beavis: Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
- Beavis: Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!
- Butt-head: So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!
- Beavis: Well, okay.
- LaTour: Do you understand me?
- Beavis: Yeah, I understand you, but where?!
- LaTour: Lust keeps on lurking…
- Beavis: Dammit, come on! Who? Where?
- Butt-head: Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!
- LaTour: This AIDS thing's not working…
- Beavis: Um…
- LaTour: People are still having sex!
- Beavis: Yeah, okay…
- LaTour: People are still having sex!
- Beavis: Dammit, there he goes again!
- Butt-head: Beavis, shut up!
- [The top of a Mars symbol penetrates a round shape]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!
- Beavis: Yeah! uh…a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [Gets up and leaves]
- Butt-head: Yea, bring me back a couple!
Annie Lennox, "No More 'I Love You's"
[edit]- [A ballet dancer's legs are shown as the video starts]
- Butt-head: Uh…get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [camera scrolls up to dancer's face] but it's a guy!
- Beavis: Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing…it's like strange, you know.
- Butt-head: [laughs] Yeah.
- [Annie Lennox appears with her eyes largely widened]
- Beavis: AAH! What's her problem?!
- Butt-head: This is stupid.
- Beavis: Um…this kind of sounds like that um…[sings "From a Distance"].
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Who did that song?
- Butt-head: Uh…that's Butt Midler.
- Beavis: That looks like that…that mouse chick…that Minnie, Minnie Mouse, you know?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?
- Beavis: Um…uh…I don't know.
- Butt-head: Check it out, this is funny...because she was doing Goofy! [laughs]
- Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!
- Butt-head: Uh…who's there?
- Beavis: Eura.
- Butt-head: Eura who?
- Beavis: You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: I just made that up! I made that one up myself!
- Butt-head: Okay, I have one. Knock knock!
- Beavis: Who's there?
- Butt-head: Uh…eura.
- Beavis: Eura who?
- Butt-head: You're ain…urine.
Letters to Cleo, "Here and Now"
[edit]- [the lead singer's head is the focus of one shot]
- Beavis: I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [the camera pans down to her legs] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.
- Butt-head: Thank you, may I have another?
- Butt-head: Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?
- Beavis: Let's see, um, Family Ties, Full House, My Two Dads, Growing Pains, One Day At a Time…
- Butt-head: Uh, no.
- Beavis: Melrose Place, Northern Exposure, What's Happening!!, Good Times, Jeffersons…
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, that chick that used to be young and had big hooters.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: And she was like, married to that dude and living with her parents, and now she does those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! And she was also in that commercial for the career institute, where she's going like, [high-pitched voice] "You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. [both laugh]
- Beavis: I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That'd be a good job.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- Beavis: [jabbers nonsensically] What? What did you say?
- Butt-head: What? I didn't say anything!
- Beavis: Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [jabbers nonsensically], didn't you say something?
- Butt-head: Uh, no.
- Beavis: Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [imitates Butt-head] "Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool", or something like that.
- Butt-head: Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.
- Beavis: Okay. I'll give that a try right now.
Jerry Lee Lewis, "Goosebumps"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, I think this is my grandpa!
- Butt-head: No, this is that dude that was in that movie. He married his cousin, and then they did it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I think that movie was called Great Balls of FFFFIRE!
- Butt-head: Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?
- Beavis: Whoa, really? You know, my grandpa told me once that, like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my grandma...is my cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah, and she's also a great slut.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, and um...and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.
- Beavis: It's like, I didn't know you could, like, rock on the piano.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, all you need to do is, like, you know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin, and you'll be cool forever.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or maybe you could, like, do it with the piano and kick your cousin! Yeah!
- Butt-head: [sternly] Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh, sorry about that.
Life of Agony, "This Time"
[edit]- [A man looks angrily towards the camera]
- Beavis: Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!
- Butt-head: You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.
- Butt-head: No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [Mocks Beavis's voice] Yeah…huh huh huh…yeah…huh huh huh.
- Beavis: Yeah. [snickers] Yeah.
- Butt-head: Is that that Christian Slater dude?
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like "Christians? Later, dude."
- Butt-head: Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.
- Butt-head: Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.
- Beavis: If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.
- Keith Caputo: You've got time, but you ain't got time for me…
- Butt-head: Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.
- Beavis: Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!
- Butt-head: He's practically crying.
- Beavis: Aww! That's too bad.
"Industry Baby" feat. Jack Harlow
[edit]- [as Lil Nas X polishes some Grammy trophies in a prison cell]
- Beavis: Whoa! You think he smuggled those Grammies in inside his butt?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. That's why he's cleaning them off. Everything in prison comes in through your butt. [a twerking male is seen] See that guy right there? He's about to pull a Little League trophy out of his butt.
- Beavis: Yeah, nowadays, everyone gets a trophy, you know?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Good for your self-esteem, bad for your butt.
- [Lil Nas X is seen wearing a pink uniform on the phone]
- Beavis: Is he like, working at T-Mobile now?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think you have to work at T-Mobile when you're in prison.
- Beavis: Oh, that sucks. I thought you just get to like sit around and watch TV all the time. You have to work? At T-Mobile? Yeah, that's like, inhumane or something.
- Butt-head: This video's like really groundbreaking, 'cause like, Jack Harlow's not in it. [Jack Harlow appears] Uhhh... Oh... never mind.
- Beavis: Oh yeah... there he is...
- Butt-head: Someone should do something about Jack Harlow being in every video. [Jack Harlow is in an electric chair, and electrocuted by Lil Nas X] Uh, oh. I guess they did.
- [as the video begins in an ethereal landscape with a snake]
- Lil Nas X: ... but here, we don't. Welcome to Montero.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think this is supposed to be like, that garden in the Bible, where that chick, Eve or Eden, or whatever her name is eats that fruit that she wasn't supposed to, and then it like puts a curse on the earth.
- Beavis: See, that's one of those stories that has a moral, you know? And the moral is fruit sucks.
- Butt-head: Yeah. So do gardens. Then remember that other part of the story where like, God takes the rib out of that dude, and makes a chick?
- Beavis: You know, if I could do that, I would have no rib cage.
- Butt-head Yeah. Neither would I. I'd just be a big blob of flesh with a bunch of chicks around me, and no bones. Except I'd still have one bone.
- [as Lil Nas X is surrounded by men in erotic clothing]
- Beavis: You know, Lil Nas X could probably score with any chick in this video that he wanted to, you know? And he definitely wants to.
- Butt-head: He's all about the ladies. Did you know the X in Lil Nas X stands for "extremely interested in chicks?"
- [Lil Nas X begins to caress a demon]
- Beavis: Wait, who's that? Is that Satan?
- Butt-head: No, it's Darth Maul. Satan is like, part of the Marvel Universe.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, remember that time that guy wanted you to be a Satanist, and then he said he'd take you to the Satanic Church, but it was just a room over his mom's garage?
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I thought there'd be like naked chicks and like, blood and stuff, but he just wanted to sit around and talk about low taxes, and... and Liberatarianism or something, I don't know. It's like, that's not evil, it's just stupid!
- Butt-head: And it's also boring, Beavis. And I don't wanna hear about it either. So shut up.
- Beavis: Oh, and um, remind me to tell you later what he said about who controls the media. You'd be surprised, it's not who you think. Oh and you know what else? Did you know that 7-Eleven was an inside job? They don't want you to know that.
- Butt-head: They suck.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.
- Beavis: No he's not! Liar.
- Butt-head: Yeah he is. He's like, "I like what I see. I'll be right over."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.
- Butt-head: Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: He said, "I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?
- Butt-head: What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.
- Beavis: Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?
- Butt-head: I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he’s like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said "Where are your drums?" and he’s like, "Uhh, I thought they were in the van."
- Beavis: And they’re like, "You mean you didn’t bring your drums?"
- Butt-head: And they said "Okay, it’s your own fault. You’re gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Okay, that’s okay with me, yeah. I can do that."
- Butt-head: What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.
- Butt-head: Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.
- Beavis: Yeah, it’s like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.
- Butt-head: That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.
- Butt-head: This is like, the same dance they did in Party Rock Anthem, except they're like pretending they're choking their chicken while they're doing it. I like it.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, yeah it's like, you know, they're like um, growing as artists, or something?
- Beavis: You know, I thought like, that the ecomony sucks, and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere.
- Butt-head: Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, their grandpa is like the same guy, so they don't care.
- Beavis: Whoa, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them.
- Beavis: You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?
- Butt-head: Uhhhhhhh... I don't know.
- Butt-head: Good news, guys. We saved the community center. Let's all dance!
Lordz of Brooklyn, "Saturday Night Fever"
[edit]- Beavis: [sings] American Woman!
- Butt-head: They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.
- [a heavy-set man with a mustache has the caption "Scotty"]
- Beavis: Check it out, Scotty. [imitates Scotty] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!
- Butt-head: [also imitating Scotty] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.
- Beavis: These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be House of Pain.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And the Beastie Boys, and uh, Goodfellas…
- Beavis: And Resavore Dogs.
- Butt-head: You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?
- Butt-head: Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.
- Beavis: No way, really? Cool.
- Beavis: Who are these guys, anyway?
- Butt-head: Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.
- Beavis: I thought there was only one Lord. That's what they said in Sunday school.
- Butt-head: You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.
G. Love & Special Sauce, "Cold Beverage"
[edit]- Butt-head: I've seen this video before. It sucks.
- Beavis: Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, ESP…N.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? That's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.
- Beavis: Wow. So what am I gonna say next?
- Butt-head: You're gonna say "Yeah, huh huh huh huh"
- Beavis: Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool!
- Butt-head: I knew you were gonna say that, too.
- Beavis: Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.
- Butt-head: Okay…ummm….mmmm…dammit Beavis! [slaps Beavis several times]
- Beavis: Cut it out, butthole!
- Butt-head: Don't ever think about that again.
- Beavis: Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something.
- Butt-head: Okay.
- Beavis: Um…are you thinking about…is it some flies?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Is it a suitcase of some kind?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?
- Butt-head: No, but that's not a bad idea. [slaps Beavis several times]
M
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! Check this out!
- Beavis: Yeah. That's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Is this PBS?
- Beavis: Umm...uhh...I don't know.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- [the planet Saturn is shown]
- Butt-head: Is that Uranus?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Uranus is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. Thanks.
- Butt-head: What?
- Beavis: That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--
- Butt-head: Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.
- Beavis: I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad…well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um…dammit! Nevermind.
- Butt-head: You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.
- Beavis: This is gonna suck.
- Butt-head: Whoa! She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That's cool.
- Butt-head: This chick was married to that dude who would punch you if you took his picture.
- Beavis: Yeah. That, uh, Woody Allen dude?
- Butt-head: No, assmunch, Woody Allen's the dude that went out with his daughter.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. If you were, like, a chick, would you go out with your stepdad?
- Butt-head: Uh...not if his name was Woody.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. What if his name was Stiffy?
- Butt-head: Uhh...well...maybe. Stiffy Allen.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Stiffy Allen! Woodrow Allen!
- Butt-head: That was cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: She's almost naked!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Ahhh!
- Butt-head: Look at her thingies!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I like when they push together really close.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Check it out, dude. She's filthy!
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- [a faster version of the video is playing]
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: Uh, this sounds different.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was slower before.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And she was walking slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.
- Butt-head: Yeah, me too. I'd like to have sex with her. That would rule!
- Beavis: Yeah, that...that - that's what I meant, too, yeah. Yeah. That would kick ass!
- Butt-head: Madonna looks pretty normal here.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries. You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. But for, you know, an old white-haired lady, she still looks pretty good.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, no - no, I'd do her. No - yeah. I mean, I'd do her, yeah. I'm not saying that.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you got the chance.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! My grandma's got, like, brown, kinda purple hair. It's not white.
- Butt-head: Uh...oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. So am I! You know, during her videos? Yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna. When you spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!
- Beavis: Um, that's little Beavis. Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.
- Beavis: Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!
- Butt-head: Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!
- Marilyn Manson: The housewife I will beat…
- Beavis: The asswipe I will beat?
- Butt-head: He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.
- Beavis: Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uh…who cares?
- Beavis: Whoa! I think he's saying "Get your gun."
- Butt-head: Uh…I think this is one of those "Stop the violence" things…you know, like enough is enough.
- Beavis: You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, gave peace a chance, and like…[Butt-head smacks Beavis] OW! CUT IT OUT, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!
- Beavis: Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence…[Butt-head slaps Beavis again]
- Butt-head: Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!
- Butt-head: Uh…boy, Cher has sure gone downhill.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like…all weird…
- Butt-head: Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called mentopause, and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up…
- Beavis: Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!
- Beavis: Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I think there's some wee-wee there too.
- Butt-head: Uh…wait a minute. This isn't Cher.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's Charles Manson!
- Butt-head: No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.
- Beavis: Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson…
- Butt-head: You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this Manson dude's family, and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?
- Beavis: Really? I'll be damned.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.
- Beavis: You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.
- Butt-head: These people are messed up.
- Beavis: I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.
- Beavis: You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: I'd like to make love to her.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Me too.
- Beavis: I'd like to stroll down, and make love…
- Butt-head: Come to Butt-head.
- Butt-head: How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?
- Beavis: Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.
- Butt-head: Uh…why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?
- Beavis: Um…I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.
- Butt-head: Uh…wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [Beavis screams] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!
- Butt-head: No I didn't, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yes you did! You said "Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!"
- Butt-head: No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [singing] Beavis wants to make love to a dude…
- Beavis: SHUT UP, Butt-head! Whoa, it's Matt Pinfield!
- Butt-head: You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?
- Beavis: SHUT UP, Butt-head! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!
- Butt-head: [Laughs] Beavis is a lesbian.
- Butt-head: That guy's touching his wiener.
- Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch my wiener.
- Butt-head: If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [scratching his wiener, chuckling]
- [the video continuously showcases a Fiat car]
- Beavis: How come they keep showing this car?
- Butt-head: Well Beavis, that's because it's the Fiat 500X, the best mid-sized sedan on the market today.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: That's right, Beavis.
- Beavis: I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know?
- Butt-head: That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead.
- Beavis: Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?
- Butt-head: Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock.
- Beavis: Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable.
- Beavis: It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something.
- Butt-head: Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me.
- Beavis: What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!
- Butt-head: No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which Car and Driver recently called "the ultimate thrill ride." Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis?
- Beavis: But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?
- Butt-head: Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there.
- Beavis: Why would Fiat give you a free car?
- Butt-head: Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. [Beavis leaves to go look]
- Beavis: I don't see anything, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, are you sure?
- Beavis: Yup. No cars out here at all.
- Butt-head: Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon.
- Beavis: You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
MC 900 Ft. Jesus, "If I Only Had a Brain"
[edit]- [Beavis hums along with the bassline]
- Butt-head: Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis…cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, "Take me to somewhere cool". Beavis, shut up.
- Beavis: [still humming along] Higher!
- Butt-head: Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!
- Beavis: [sings along] Still be here with you…
- Butt-head: I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: OOOWW!! [resumes humming along]
- Butt-head: Beavis, do you hear me? [smacks Beavis again] Shut up!
- Beavis: AH! OW! [resumes humming along]
- Butt-head: Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?
- Beavis: [singing along] Higher, higher!
- Butt-head: Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.]
- Butt-head: Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I'd like to make a motion.
- Beavis: Yeah! Me too! [moons the TV screen]
- Beavis: Yes!
- Butt-head: WHOA! "Cop Rock" reruns!
- Beavis: Yeah! "Cop Rock" reruns! This is cool!
- Butt-head: This is the one where they sing in court.
- Beavis: No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
- Butt-head: That's the same show, dumbass. There only was one show!
- Beavis: Yeah, but it was cool!
- [the judge stands on his bench and plays a saxophone]
- Butt-head: No sax in court!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: The prostitution rests!
- Beavis: Yeah! Change it! Change it, quick!
- Butt-head: I heard this dude, like, did this whole song just by, like, whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? I think I'm gonna try that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. So am I. [slaps Beavis across the face]
- Beavis: AAAH! Cut it out, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. I'm not worried.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? Does this worry you? [smacks Beavis]
- Beavis: AAAH! Cut it out, Butt-head! I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!
- Butt-head: I'd like to see you try, buttknocker!
- Beavis: Don't call me that, Butt-head! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles]
- Butt-head: UUH! I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!
- [the two start continuously hitting each other]
- Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! CUT IT OUT!
- Butt-head: BUTTKNOCKER!
- Beavis: CUT IT OUT!
- Butt-head: BUTTKNOCKER!
- Beavis: AAAHH! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
- Butt-head: Okay, the fight's over, I won.
- Beavis: No you didn't, Butt-head, I won.
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Mrs. DoubtFIRE!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Um...I don't think that guy's very funny.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I think he was like, funny, like, a long time ago, like, when it was, like, really fast.
- Butt-head: Uhhhhh...okay.
- See also: Megadeth, "99 Ways To Die", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 4.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. [sounding like Dave Mustaine] He doesn't talk like me.
- Butt-head: He sorta talks like you. He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
- [several bodies of Dave Mustaine are being shown in the video]
- Butt-head: What's that dude doing back there?
- Beavis: That's Dave Mustaine.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. Dave Mustaine sings better than that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.
- Butt-head: Was this guy raised by wolves?
- Beavis: Yeah. Wolves are cool. If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too. And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.
- Butt-head: You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
The Meices, "Daddy's Gone to California"
[edit]- [video opens with Ron Jeremy driving a convertible]
- Beavis: Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar. Um...whoa, that's that guy! Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house? That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!
- Butt-head: Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?
- Beavis: I recognize him, that's him! That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember? It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...
- Butt-head: You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?
- Beavis: Well, you were probably looking at his wiener. Dumbass.
- Butt-head: No, I wasn't. I was looking, like, around his wiener.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?
- Butt-head: No. This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. How come that guy gets to be in naked movies? He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.
- Butt-head: Yeah! Well...you're almost there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.
- Beavis: Really? Um, how do I get big and fat?
- Butt-head: Uhh...I don't know.
- Butt-head: I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, he's trying to be alternative.
- Beavis: Um...yeah, yeah. Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.
- Butt-head: And it sucks!
John Cougar Mellencamp, "Pop Singer"
[edit]- Butt-head: Heh, this is that guy with all those last names.
- Beavis: Yes! Yes!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: This rules, Butt-head, check this out!
- Buzz Osborne: Los ticka toe rest…
- Butt-head: What? I can't understand what he's saying.
- Beavis: What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um…
- Buzz Osborne: …sender bright like a penelty…
- Beavis: Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.
- Beavis: See, like, right here, he says, uh…
- Buzz Osborne: Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away…
- Beavis: Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.
- Butt-head: These words rule!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, if they X-rayed your wiener, would they see a bone?
- Butt-head: If you had a boner, they would.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.
- [the band members are submerged in water]
- Butt-head: Water is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. We should go to somebody's pool, and like, go inside it, and like, go underwater, and just rock out! [sings along] Like a stinky photographing on a wire relay in a state of!
- Butt-head: Is this Michael Jackson?
- Beavis: I think it's that bee from that Blind Melon video.
- Butt-head: Dammit, I'm sick and tired of seeing crap like this.
- Beavis: That'd be cool, if Robin Hood came and shot these guys with an arrow. Yeah, yeah, YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
- Butt-head: Rock on, Beavis!
- Men Without Hats: We can dance, we can dance…
- Butt-head: This butthole keeps saying he can dance, but it's like…he can't dance.
- Beavis: Yeah, they need to go to a Pantera concert to learn how to dance.
- Butt-head: They'd get their butts slammed around.
- Beavis: Yeah, they'd get their butts kicked. And if I was there, I'd start kicking that one guy in the nads.
Mercyful Fate, "The Bellwitch"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's the Turdburgler!
- Butt-head: You mean the Hamburglar, dude.
- Beavis: No, he's a Turdburgler!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
- Beavis: Look at this dumbass! How come he's the only one wearing make-up?
- Butt-head: It's like, him and the band all got together and stuff, and said, "Okay, man, tomorrow, we're gonna wear some really scary scary makeup tomorrow, and it's gonna be really cool. We're gonna kick some ass." But then this dumbass was the only one stupid enough to do it!
- Beavis: Yeah. The other dudes were probably, like, "You put makeup on? You dumbass, we were just joking!"
- Butt-head: Boy, this is horrible.
- Beavis: Um…don't say that, Butt-head. I kinda feel sorry for these guys.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa! If I had a mic like that, it's like, I'd stick a mic into every end, so I'd have like four mics, and then I'd be four times as loud.
- Butt-head: Uh…no you wouldn't. You can only sing into one end at a time, Beavis.
- Beavis: Not if I spun it around really fast.
- Butt-head: Beavis, it doesn't matter how fast you'd spin it around; you'd still only be singing into one mic at a time.
- Beavis: No, no, Butt-head, I mean, I'm talking about - I'd like roll it around REALLY fast. I mean like just REALLY fast. [high-pitched groaning]. Like that.
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah, I guess that might work.
- Beavis: Yeah, yes! Yes, yes! ROCK! ROCK!
- Butt-head: Sit your ass down, Lars. Play the drums like you're supposed to.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Check it out, I was at this concert, coming up here, Lars points to me. [Lars Ulrich points at the crowd] See? He's said, "There's Beavis", see? And there I am, right there! See?
- Butt-head: Beavis, you've never been to a concert in your life.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Your mom's a slut!
- Butt-head: Beavis, Metallica sucks. And you've never made out with a chick, either.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! [the two can be seen hitting each other]
- Butt-head: That James Hetfield dude looks like the Cowardly Lion.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! He kicks ass!
- Butt-head: The Cowardly Lion sucked, Beavis.
- Beavis: I was talking about James Hetfield! He rules!
- Beavis: YES! YES! Metallica rules!
- Butt-head: Not really, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Just because you say something doesn't rule doesn't mean it doesn't…uh…yeah! Butthole!
- Butt-head: I know. It sucks.
- Beavis: If you say one more thing about Metallica I'm gonna slam you in the nads!
- Butt-head: Go on with your bad self, Beavis.
- [the camera is focused on a close-up on James Hetfield's nose]
- Butt-head: See, look inside this dude's nose.
- Beavis: I know. It's cool. Dumbass
- Butt-head: Well, boogers and stuff are pretty cool, but the hair isn't very cool.
- Beavis: I dunno. I think it's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, if you wanna rule, you gotta be cool, like, all the time, like, even when you're taking a dump and stuff, like GWAR.
- Beavis: Oh. I wasn't saying they were as cool as GWAR. But they still rule! They rule! They rule! They kick ass!
- Beavis: What's this?
- Butt-head: You should know, buttmunch. This is Metallica.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, YEAH!!!
- [commenting on the rather clean and slow intro]
- Beavis: This part of the song sucks, but it gets cool later.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: It starts going, "Dududududuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!"
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're beginning to piss me off.
- Butt-head: Lars is cool.
- Beavis: Isn't he that dude on that Addams Family?
- Butt-head: You're thinking of Lurch, dumbass! Lars could kick Lurch's butt.
- Beavis: Yeah. He could kick Cousin Itt's butt too.
- Butt-head: Does Cousin Itt have a butt?
- Beavis: Yeah. [jabbers like Cousin Itt]
- Butt-head: [imitating Lurch] Uhhh, you rang, Mrs. Addams, uhhh?
- Beavis: Heh heh, that was pretty funny, Butt-head.
- [the music starts becoming more metallic]
- Butt-head: Yes! Yes!
- Beavis: Yes! Metallica rules!
- Butt-head: They rule.
- Beavis: [singing along] Dunununuh! Dunununuh! Darkness! Imprisoning me! I cannot live! I cannot die!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: Oh. Sorry, man.
"It's Working"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uh, this is like, those instructions you get when you try to buy a bed at IKEA.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. The bed shouldn't have instructions. Except for like, "sleep" and "get it on."
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. That's why I stole this couch.
- Butt-head: Uh… remember when you were little and your mom tried to lose you at IKEA?
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah! She's like, um… "just lay down and take a nap right here, Beavis. Everything's gonna be fine."
- Butt-head: And then she couldn't find her way out and kept running into you again.
- Beavis: Yeah, she wanted to go to Las Vegas with the bikers.
- Butt-head: Yeah. They finally found her fighting in the parking lot.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And then they made me, um, go live with that family, um… the Fosters. Yeah.
- [The drummer appears wearing a sombrero]
- Butt-head: Uh… is that a lesbian or a Mexican?
- Beavis: Um… you're not supposed to say those words, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uh… really?
- Beavis: Remember that guidance counselor came and told us that those were both bad words?
- Butt-head: Uh… oh yeah. He said those words were like, intoler-ble or something.
- Butt-head: Uh… I think this is a diagram that shows how the butt works.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's the digestive system of a lesbian. I mean, uh, oh. Dammit.
- Butt-head: Whoa! They gave a poopsicle to that kid!
- Butt-head: Uhhh, is this 16 and Pregnant?
- Beavis: No no no no. I've seen all of those. Plus she already has a baby, so this is probably, um, Teen Mom season 3! I've seen all of seasons 1 and 2!
- Butt-head: She's a lousy mom.
- Beavis: Is this Florida?
- Butt-head: Uhhh… [monsters and zombie-looking people around] Yup, that's Florida. Florida sucks.
- Butt-head: She made this little kid cry just so he could be in this video.
- Beavis: Yeah that's messed up. What kind of parent would let their kid be in this video?!
- Butt-head: Yeah! They're like, "Okay son, now there's gonna be some scary monsters, and some creepy people putting their hands on you, but you should be able to handle it because you're like…uh, one and a half."
- Beavis: "Yeah, you're one now! It's time you start pulling your weight around here!"
- Beavis: Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.
- Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with AC/DC on it, then he would kick ass.
- Beavis: Okay, here we go, another video. Line 'em up.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- [a car peels out]
- Beavis: Yeah, peel out! Burn rubber, yeah! Tear aaassssss!
- [two young men with long hair go inside a house]
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, fight! Fight! Fight!
- Butt-head: Yeah, hit him!
- [a pumpkin is shown on their doorstep]
- Beavis: Kick the pumpkin! Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.
- Butt-head: Uh, no. Hippies never break stuff.
- Beavis: Um, what about that Gallagher dude?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really.
- Butt-head: But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [the young men start vandalizing vehicles]
- Butt-head: Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.
- Beavis: Yeah. Throwing eggs, very nice. M hm.
- [the young men throw rolls of toilet paper over a tree]
- Butt-head: It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house. It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. I wish someone would toilet paper my house. I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!
- Butt-head: Yeah. I've been using this washcloth.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.
- Beavis: This chick looks familiar.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. She was in that movie.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that movie…it was the second one. The second one of that first one where that dude was choking his chicken on that rock.
- [A very brief image of most of Milla's bare butt appears]
- Beavis: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?!
- Butt-head: I sure did. And it was cool.
- Beavis: I've never seen anything like that on TV. She was rubbing her butt!
- Butt-head: This kicks ass!
- Beavis: AAH, OH MY GOD! SHE'S STARK RAVING NAKED!
- Butt-head: Yeah! You could see everything!
- Beavis: Oh boy, this is exciting! This is action-packed!
- Butt-head: I like this song.
- Butt-head: Whoa, it's Death!
- Beavis: If Death came over to my house, I'd just, like, kick him in the nads and run away.
- Butt-head: Death doesn't have nads, Beavis.
- Beavis: I bet his sack, like, shrivelled up like a little raisin.
- Butt-head: [shudders] Ugh! That's disgusting, Beavis!
- Butt-head: That spider's gonna do her.
- Beavis: No way, really?
- Butt-head: Uhh, she's naked again!
- Beavis: Ooh yeah! Whoa, you can see her rump!
- Butt-head: Her what?
- Beavis: Her rump!
- Butt-head: You mean her butt, Beavis?
- Beavis: No, no, her rump. That's the part off to the side.
- Butt-head: It's called a butt, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just get tired of saying "butt" sometimes. I thought I'd throw rump in.
- [as Nicki Minaj dances while attached to puppet strings]
- Butt-head: Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a whole lotta lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, "Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong," and I'd be lying, but then my schlong would get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even need the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um, I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.
- Butt-head: That was quite a ride, Beavis.
- Beavis: I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all.
- Butt-head: That would rule.
- Butt-head: You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, "Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my seventh leg?"
- Beavis: Yeah, "Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that always grows up? Know what I'm saying?"
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says "bitch" I get to smack you.
- Beavis: No way! Why would I do that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says "butt," you can smack me.
- Beavis: Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.
- Butt-head: Now let the games begin.
- Nicki Minaj: ...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... [Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis] Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...
- Beavis: [getting smacked] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!
- Nicki Minaj: Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...
- Beavis: Wait, I think she- ahh! [gets smacked more] Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!
- Nicki Minaj: When we say "Gun the bitch," dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!
- Beavis: Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh!
- Nicki Minaj: Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...
- Butt-head: I win. [smacks Beavis a few more times]
- Beavis: Dammit! I did not think she would say "bitch" so much when I agreed- [Butt-head smacks him] Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- [gets smacked again] Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!
Ministry, "Just One Fix"
[edit]- [A tornado is shown on screen]
- Butt-head: Now we're getting somewhere!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Now we're getting sonewhere.
- Butt-head: Even the old dude is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: I like the tornado.
- Beavis: Almost everything in this video is cool.
- Butt-head: What do you mean, almost? What else do you want?
- Beavis: Um, well, it would be pretty cool, like, if somebody puked.
- [A guy in the video is about to throw up in a sink]
- Butt-head: So let it be done. No Way, Beavis.
- Beavis: AARGHH! That was disgusting!
- Butt-head: You asked for it, dude.
- Beavis: Yeah, but I didn't ask for blood in it. That was beyond the limits of good taste.
- Butt-head: Whoa! It's Barbie!
- Beavis: Yeah. They oughta get some dude without a wiener to play Ken.
- Butt-head: Why don't you go for it, Beavis?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: This chick has more teeth than most people.
- Beavis: Yeah. Bite me!
- Butt-head: She looks like that chick in the mall.
- Beavis: Chicken what?
- Butt-head: That chick in the mall!
- Beavis: That chicken? What do you mean?
- Butt-head: No, asswipe! I'm talking about that chick!
- Beavis: Oh, you mean that chick that works at Chick-fil-A? That chicken place?
- Butt-head: What's your problem, Beavis? I'm not talking about chicken! Pull your thumb out of your ear and put it back in your butt!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! You did talk about chicken! You said that chicken mall!
- Butt-head: I said that chick in the mall!
- Butt-head: This video is upbeat.
- Beavis: Yeah. It makes me want to get up and beat it.
- Butt-head: You said "up."
- Butt-head: This makes me feel good.
- Beavis: This video?
- Butt-head: No. This! [changes channel]
Missing Persons, "Words"
[edit]- Dale Bozzio: Do you hear me?
- Beavis: [Mocking] Do you hear me?
- Dale Bozzio: Do you care?
- Butt-head: Do I care? No!
- Beavis: Yeah, I don't care! Hell, I just don't care about anything!
- [The lead singer is tapping the side of his head]
- Butt-head: He's thinking.
- Beavis: Oh, I see. It's like, you tap yourself on the side of the head to think. I see. I haven't tried that.
- Lead Singer: (singing in a low voice) A little bit more than I could…ever want, A little bit more than you could…ever say.
- Butt-head: This guy pronounces words weird.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. [mocking the singer] A little bit more than you could ever say. [normal voice] Heh, heh, heh. [mocking the singer again] Fade away, fade away. [normal voice] What kind of an accent is that?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think that's the way they talk in like, Wussylvania.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And I was like thinking he was from California.
- [during the guitar solo]
- Beavis: What's that dude's problem?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it's like, he's a little too into the music.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. It's kind of embarrassing.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The other dudes in the band are probably going "Uh, god, I wish he wouldn't do that".
- [the lead singer is grabbing another member by the jaw]
- Butt-head: Whoa, what's he doing?
- Beavis: He's like, "come on, come on, open it up, come on, gimme my damn candy bar back, I wasn't done yet, I was saving that for after the video, spit it out!"
- Butt-head: That was stupid, Beavis.
- Beavis: I thought it was kinda funny. You know, like, you know…
- Butt-head: Beavis, stop trying to be funny.
Monster Magnet, "Negasonic Teenage Warhead"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I know I talk about turds a lot, but boy, these things really look like turds.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I talk a lot about turds too, Beavis. Don't worry about it.
- Beavis: Oh, okay. Poop!
- Butt-head: Uranus is cool.
- Beavis: Oh, thanks! My anus is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: [Gets ticked off and slaps Beavis on the chin] Damn it, Beavis, shut up! I was talking about the planet!
- Beavis: Whoa! Check it out! A flying Poop-tart! They oughta make that, like poop-tarts, like when they pop out of the toaster, they go POOP!
- [seeing some guys in a car drive under a giant woman]
- Butt-head: Uhh, stop the car dude!
- Beavis: I just thought of something. You know what would be funny is if while they were driving under that girl like that, y'know, since they have a convertible, it would have been funny if she pooped on them.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay Beavis, that's enough about poop.
- Beavis: Okay. I'll just talk about wee-wee. Tinkle tinkle tinkle!
Morbid Angel, "God of Emptiness"
[edit]- Butt-head: Hey, look, it's another one of those heavy metal videos with a naked dude all curled up on the floor.
- [the lead singer roars]
- Butt-head: Whoa. Was that a bear?
- Beavis: Um, heh. [Beavis imitates the singer] BLEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Yeah, I think so.
- Butt-head: Hey, beavis, it's that dude from Andy of Mayberry.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean Barney? [imitates Don Knotts] Well, Andy, I'm gonna go over to Mount Pilot and worship Satan.
- Butt-head: That doesn't sound like him, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. Goober spelled backwards is "booger".
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That's cool. So, like, um, what's booger spelled backwards?
- Butt-head: Uh, lets see. Uhhh…I dunno.
- Butt-head: This is where it starts to get really stupid. [imitates the singer] Bow to me, faithfully…
- Beavis: Bow to me…uh…
- Butt-head: Bow to me faithfully.
- Beavis: Bow to me faithfully…
- Beavis & Butt-head: [in unison] Bow to me faithfully.
- Butt-head: Bow to me splendidly…
- Beavis: Bow to me splendidly? What does that mean?
- [a beehive is shown onscreen]
- Beavis: Yeah! [imitates bees humming] Nyayayayayayaya!! Bees are cool. Nyaaayyayayayaya!!
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out! It's Jon Stewart.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's horny.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like, he's the horniest talk show dude on TV.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, he shouldn't try to be in a band like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean this is okay, you know, it's nothing special though. He should just do his TV show.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you know what he should do? He should get rid of all that other stuff on his show, and just have the whole show be like, him trying to pick up a chick.
- Beavis: Yeah, like he would bring out a chick with big hooters, maybe like this one right here, and he just sits there and tries to score. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule!
- Beavis: Dammit. I wish they'd show those bees again. Bees kick ass. [imitates bees humming] Nyayayayaya!! Bees rule!
- Mark Sandman: I like to see a little more fat.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to see a little more fat too! That's the best part. It's like, whenever I'm eating some meat, I'd just eat all the fat and leave the rest.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I like to make a fat sandwich sometimes.
- Beavis: Yeah! A little mayonnaise, a little salt…it rules!
- [a woman in the video is spinning around]
- Butt-head: Cool. Look what she's doing.
- Beavis: I do that sometimes, too. It helps me fall asleep.
- Butt-head: You mean 'cause it like, tires you out or something?
- Beavis: No. Not really, no. It's like, I just spin around until I get really dizzy, then I like, fall down and bang my head on something, and then I just go to sleep. Works every time.
- Butt-head: You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
- [Beavis sees Morrissey dressed in an unbuttoned fishnet shirt and then spits his soda all over Butt-head]
- Butt-head: Watch it, Beavis! I know this sucks, but that doesn't mean you have to spit on me.
- Beavis: You're lucky I didn't barf on you.
- Butt-head: He's trying to hump a rock.
- Beavis: Yeah, that would be cool if he like, pulled it down, and it crushed him. Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Whoa! Did you see that? He had a band-aid on one of his boobs.
- Beavis: Really? Why?
- Butt-head: Maybe he's like, trying to shave the hair off of his chest, and--
- Beavis: OW! Don't say stuff like that, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Why not, Beavis? It's like he shaved his nipple off.
- Beavis: OW! OW! Stop it!
- Butt-head: This is really beginning to piss me off, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, really!
- Butt-head: Get off the ground and stop whining, you wuss!
- Beavis: Get up! Get up, stand up straight, and quit acting like a wuss! Quit whining, go out and get a job and some good clothes!
- Butt-head: You tell him, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! And another thing, stay away from those rocks!
"Dr. Feelgood"
[edit]- [video opens in a field, zooming in towards a tent]
- Beavis and Butt-head: YES!
- Butt-head: Hey! Somebody pitched a tent.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Now this is feel-good music.
- Beavis: This video tells a message.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The message is: Vince Neil is a wuss.
- Beavis: Yeah. That guy from Danzig could kick his ass.
- Vince Neil: He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. What does "Dr. Feelgood" mean?
- Butt-head: That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.
- Beavis: Yeah. That's cool.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?
- Butt-head: This video has fire, and cars...
- Beavis: Yeah. And tattoos, and leather.
- Butt-head: Now all it needs is some chicks. Then it would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [Tommy Lee kicks a flaming drum]
- Beavis: Fire! Fire! Fire!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Butt-head: This isn't as cool as Scarface.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [a mouth is shown behind an open zipper]
- Beavis: Whoa! There's, like, a mouth in those pants!
- Butt-head: Yeah. I think it's your mom.
- Beavis: Really? I don't think that's her, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Well, your mom's a road slut.
- Beavis: Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe. She like, hangs out with bands like Foghat and stuff.
- Butt-head: She's a slut.
- Beavis: Yeah. My mom's a slut!
- Butt-head: Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! That's that dude with the tiny wiener!
- John Corabi: Hooligan's holiday...
- Butt-head: Bennigan's holiday?
- Beavis: Yeah. I thought they were open all the time.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Someday, like, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna go eat at Bennigan's.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. That would be cool. I heard they got, like, chicks in referee outfits.
The Murmurs, "You Suck"
[edit]- Beavis: Um, um...hmm. Is this a diaper commercial?
- Butt-head: Uhh...no, this is a douche commercial.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. Ahh, that's funny, douche. [cackles] What is douche, anyways, like, how does it work?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't know. I think chicks use it, like, when they get that not-so-fresh feeling.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. I think it helps them, like, go horseback riding and like, go down to the beach and stuff like that, too.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: I wonder how come they don't have a douche for guys.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that would rule! 'Cause like, sometimes, you know, I feel like, you, not so fresh.
- Butt-head: Well, maybe if you'd wash your butt once in a while.
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: And I'm not talking about washing your whole butt -- I'm talking about washing your butthole.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- The Murmurs: And for that, you suck...
- Beavis: Um...they just said you suck.
- Butt-head: No they didn't, they said you sucked. They ripped off my idea for a song.
- Beavis: Yeah. And you, like, already ripped off the idea for me, bunghole.
- Butt-head: Beavis, do you remember what I told you about trying to be funny?
- Beavis: Um...um, that I shouldn't?
- Butt-head: That's right. Now sit there and shut up. Nutsack.
- Beavis: Wait wait wait, I think I can see something. I THINK I CAN SEE THE SIDE OF HER BOOB!
- Butt-head: I think that's just a koala bear.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry. You know something? I wish these girls were naked, and um, I wish they were right here without any clothes on, and I wish I was grabbing their butt, and that's about it.
- Butt-head: Uh...well alright, then.
Mutha's Day Out, "Locked"
[edit]- [the video opens on an extreme close-up of someone's eye superimposed over the video]
- Butt-head: Uhh...well, there's a big eyeball.
- Beavis: Yeah, they need more big eyeballs in videos, like a big pile of eyeballs.
- Butt-head: Yeah. What is all this stuff?
- Beavis: Yeah, really. It's like, they're running through the grass, and then there's like, a house.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Whatever happened to chicks with big thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?
- Beavis: Yeah. Seems like they don't do that anymore.
- Butt-head: These guys need to spend more time with sluts.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't filthy enough.
- Beavis: Whoa, are there like two lead singers for this band?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. So what?
- Beavis: Yeah but it's like, there's this dude, like, in overalls, and then there's this other dude.
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis?
- Beavis: I dunno, I just thought like, y'know, if there's two lead singers, it's like, y'know, that's something.
- Butt-head: Hey, somebody's talking.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, what is that? I hate it when people talk over videos.
- Butt-head: Yeah, there's some guy going...[mutters incoherent gibberish]
- Beavis: Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk, like, break something and like, y'know, just do something.
- Butt-head: Either follow or lead or get off the pot.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Get off the toilet!
- Butt-head: These guys are like a cross between like, Stone Temple Pilots and like, just a bunch of regular guys.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like they're a cross between the Stone Temple Pilots and those dudes on Hee Haw.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. [sings] You met another and...[farts] ...you was gone.
- Beavis: That was pretty good, Butt-head.
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, "Blue Buddha"
[edit]- [a man's cheeks are shown flapping]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Did you see that guy's cheeks?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That was cool. I've seen that, like, in a bunch of other videos, too. I can get my cheeks to do that, like, if I eat a lot of peas.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis, I've never seen you do that!
- Beavis: No, I'm talking about my buttcheeks.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: They should put that in every video.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. That would be cool!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. What is all that stuff?
- Butt-head: All what stuff?
- Beavis: I don't know, all th - all this crap in this video, what is all this stuff? It's like...it's like, there's these...people, and then there's this stuff and, like, candles, and...and like, all this out-of-focus crap.
- Butt-head: Uhhh...just the usual bunch of crap they always have on.
- Beavis: Oh, is that what that is?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Butt-head: I think this song is called "Blue Buddha."
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Is that, like, when you get a blue veiner?
- Butt-head: Yeah! Sometimes I wake up with a blue Buddha.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. This chick's giving me a blue Buddha right now.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Pull up your pants, cut it out!
N
[edit]- Butt-head: Uhh, something's wrong. It's like, it doesn't look like this guy would have this kind of voice.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, it doesn't look like that kind of voice would, like, come out of that guy, you know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It looks like it might come out of his butt.
- Beavis: Um, actually um, I was thinking like, it looks like this kind of voice, like, would come out of Godzilla, or maybe it'd, like, it would come out of Godzilla's butt.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If it did come out of Godzilla's butt, that would be a good video.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [a decomposed horse is seen in the video]
- Beavis: Whoa look, check it out Butt-head, it's a dead horse!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember that time we found that dead horse?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. We like, ran and jumped right on his stomach, and then like, all that gunk shot out of his butt.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was cool.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That was sad. Can you imagine if Godzilla was dead? Can you imagine all the stuff that would fly out of his butt?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
Me'shell Ndegéocello, "If That's Your Boyfriend (He Wasn't Last Night)"
[edit]- Girl in video: I feel like such an ass.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I feel like an ass, too. Beavis, go out and get me an ass, please.
- Beavis: Okay. Would you like some boobs to go with that ass, too?
- [a different girl in the music video screams]
- Beavis: AAH! What was that? What's going on?!
- Butt-head: You wuss! That's just a chick screaming.
- Beavis: They should warn you if they're gonna do that crap, dammit.
- Butt-head: Whoa! This song's about like, some chick doing it with like, some other chick's boyfriend.
- Beavis: Yeah! That's pretty harsh.
- Butt-head: Yeah. So like, this chick will only do you if you like, already have a girlfriend…?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! A lot of chicks are like that. They don't wanna go out with you unless you already have a girlfriend…but like, you can't get a girlfriend because you don't have a girlfriend…so it's like…struss-frating.
- Beavis: Dammit, what's going on here? This chick is talking! Is this a commercial or a video? What is this?!
- Butt-head: Beavis, just shut up, and like…free your mind or something.
- Beavis: I wanna know what it is…like, I can't pay attention to this!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, can't you just like…cool out and listen?
- Beavis: Dammit Butt-head, what kind of crap are you talking? You sound like a damn hippie!
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that. I'm not gonna smack you today.
Ned's Atomic Dustbin, "All I Ask of Myself Is That I Hold It Together"
[edit]- Butt-head: Maps.
- Beavis: Yeah, remember that time that guy came into Burger World 'cause he was lost? And you, like, drew a map with, like, ketchup and french fries and pickles!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I was just making stuff up!
- Beavis: Yeah, you were like, "Okay, you see, you go right down here and then you turn left, and then see this pickle, this is like a big building".
- Butt-head: Yeah. He believed me!
- Beavis: He was like goin': "Uh huh, okay, uh hmm".
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah?
- Beavis: Um, is it normal to get wood?
- Butt-head: Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
- Beavis: Oh, okay!
- Beavis: Whoa, is this a demolition derby?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah! I think it is. Demolition derbies kick ass!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeeeeeaaaaahhhh! Y'know, I can't think of anything, that kicks as much ass, as a demolition derby! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Does your mom still go out to Sunset Speedway and watch those?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! "SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! SUNSET SPEEDWAY PRESENTS THE DUKES OF DIRT, DERBYYYYY! THE BARONS OF FAST, THE KINGS OF CRASH, IT'S A SMASH UP DERBY SPECTACULAR, WITH CHILLS, THRILLS, AND BONE CRUNCHING SPILLS! Ticket price pays for the whole seat, BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EEEEDDDDDDGGGEEEE! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Your voice is too high to do that. [in a very high pitched voice] "Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!"
- Beavis: Shut up, butthole! Check this out, [in a deeper voice] "Sunday, Sunday, Sundaaayyyy!"
- Butt-head: You have a high voice, Beavis!
- Beavis: SHUT UP, Butt-head, I don't talk like that!
- Butt-head: These chicks look like guys.
- Beavis: Yeah. That one's not wearing a bra.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I heard that these chicks' grandpa is Ozzy Osbourne.
- Butt-head: No way, asswipe. They're Elvis' kids!
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: I get the one on the left. You get the ugly one. [changes channel]
Vince Neil, "Sister of Pain"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa! Cool! Fire! Fire! Fire!
- Butt-head: What's wrong with you, Beavis? This sucks! Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, but like, the fire itself is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis! Vince Neil's a wuss!
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Mötley Crüe fired this dude.
- Beavis: Yeah. They fired him. Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
- Butt-head: Tommy Lee should have shoved that drumstick up his butt!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That would be cool!
- [a woman in a metallic colored bra is shown dancing]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That chick's got metal pointy things on her boobs. That's pretty cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Vince Neil: She's a knockdown, drag it out, lick it up, do it again...
- Beavis: She's a knockdown, drag it out, pick it up, do it again.
- Butt-head: What does that mean? Who writes this crap?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It sucks!
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis. It's those dudes on Stewart's lunchbox.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This video needs, like, more explosions and close-ups of butts.
- Beavis: Yeah. They should have somebody come out and start kicking these guys! That would be cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah! They could kick 'em! And punch 'em, too! Like Ice Cube! He could come out and kick all these guys! That would be cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- New Kids on the Block: Just hangin' tough...
- Butt-head: He said "hangin'."
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Those drums sound cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. [imitates drum sound]
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
- Beavis: He's probably listening to Pantera.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!
- [Trent Reznor starts singing]
- Beavis: Yes! Yes!
- Butt-head: Rock! [Beavis and Butt-head do their signature headbanging]
- Butt-head: Where do these guys get these shiny pants?
- Beavis: Yeah, really. I went into a store once and asked for some shiny pants, and they kicked my ass out of there.
- Butt-head: Uh…I think you like just take regular pants and you like, have them shined.
- Beavis: Oh really? But I do shine my pants.
- Butt-head: You said douche.
- Beavis: Really? Oh yeah. I douche-ine my pants.
- Butt-head: [during the bridge of the song] This part of the song sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: These guys need to just concentrate on rocking.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Rock! Rock!
- Butt-head: [bridge of song ends] Yeah. That's more like it.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! There you go.
- Butt-head: This guy keeps on like, stumbling around and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, I don't think he's having a very good day.
- Butt-head: I think he's just drunk off his ass.
- Beavis: [Reznor presses against keyboard] Hey, get your hand off his keyboard, butthole!
- Butt-head: Yeah. These guys need to practice more.
- Beavis: Yeah. They weren't very well prepared for this video.
- Butt-head: [farts towards the quiet end of song]
- Beavis: Thank you very much, we're Nine Inch Nails.
- Butt-head: Good night!
- Butt-head: How come all these videos have cages in them?
- Beavis: Because they're cool.
- Butt-head: This is like a zoo, where they keep cool people.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, do you have a nine-inch nail?
- Butt-head: This is pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, nails are cool.
- See also: Nirvana, "I Hate Myself And Want To Die", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 1.
- Butt-head: Yes! Nirvarna rules.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! This is cool! But, um, I mean, you know, this is cool and everything, but it's like, uh, this video's been giving me nightmares, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Cool! I wish I had nightmares about this video.
- Beavis: Um, no you don't, Butt-head, these are pretty scary. It's like, I had this dream that I'm, like, Santa Claus, and I'm, like, on a cross, and there's these crows, like, picking at me. AAAHHH!!
- Butt-head: That's cool!
- Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah.
- [the song's chorus plays]
- Butt-head: This part rules.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Rock! ROCK!
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. You know the bass player in this band? He looks just like a regular guy.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. If you just saw him at school, he'd probably like, you know, get his ass kicked.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [a woman is shown wearing a fat suit and angel wings]
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Butt-head: Check this out. It's like, he pulls his hair out of his eyes, but then it just falls back in his eyes.
- Beavis: Yeah? So what? You got a problem with that?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [the band is shown in a room with lit-up star lights all over the walls]
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out! That room is cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: I think that's Kurt Cobain's bedroom. I'm gonna get my room set up like that, with all, like, lit-up stars and stuff, and then like, uh, it's gonna be cool.
- Butt-head: No you're not! You're never gonna get your room fixed up like that, and you're never gonna score.
- Beavis: Shut up!
- Butt-head: You're just gonna sit around for the rest of your life, spanking your monkey.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I am too gonna fix my room up! Butthole!
- Beavis: Yes!
- Butt-head: This kicks butt! Nivarna is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: [upon seeing the old janitor featured in the music video] Beavis's dad!
- Butt-head: Is this, like, grudge music?
- Beavis: Grudge music is that stuff those guys from Seattle play. Where is Seattle? Hey Butt-head, where's Seattle?
- Butt-head: You don't know? It's this place where, like, stuff is, like, really cool.
- Kurt Cobain: Hello, hello, hello, how low...
- Beavis: Hello? Hello? Hello, may I help you?
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. What is teen spirit?
- Butt-head: Dude, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you. Dumbass.
- Butt-head: Look, this video has cymbals.
- Beavis: Yeah. Is that what they mean when they say videos have cymbalism?
- Butt-head: [laughs] You said "ism"!
- Beavis: Pep rallies suck.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
Nitzer Ebb, "Fun to Be Had"
[edit]- Butt-head: Hi. I'm your tour guide. Welcome to Wuss Gardens.
- Beavis: It was here that George Washington first chopped off his wiener. And then he lied.
- Nitzer Ebb: An anchor!
- Butt-head: [mocking their accents] Like an ankaa.
- Beavis: Like an ankaa!
- Butt-head: An ankaa.
- Beavis: It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!
- Nitzer Ebb: What you say should be from your own mind…
- Butt-head: What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and…wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
- Beavis: Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
Mojo Nixon, "Elvis is Everywhere"
[edit]- Beavis: Uh oh. I think it's one of those TV preachers.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you'd better not send him all our money again.
- Beavis: Sometimes I can't help myself. It's like, I start going "I know that's right. Hallelujah." And then I'm on the phone, and I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, here's all my money!"
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's like, you send him all your money and you're still just a dumbass with a lot of problems.
- Beavis: Hey, you're right. [angry] Dammit! I got ripped off!
- Mojo Nixon: Elvis is in your jeans!
- Butt-head: Elvis is in our jeans?
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out...Elvis has left my jeans!
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, if you pull down your pants one more time, I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!
- Beavis: Heh heh, oh. Okay. [imitating Elvis] Thank you very much, thank you very much.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, while you were fiddling with your wiener, I think he said that Elvis is like, in Joan Rivers.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? That'd be cool. [imitating Joan Rivers] Can we talk? I've got Elvis inside me!
- Butt-head: Beavis, that doesn't sound anything like her.
- Beavis: Oh. [imitating Elvis] Thank you very much, thank you very much.
- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, go-karts!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Go-karts rule.
- Beavis: When I'm old, instead of a car, I'm gonna have a go-kart! [imitates an engine] Brrrrrffffftttt!!!
"Buffalo"
[edit]- [video opens with a long object in the dark]
- Butt-head: Uh, what the hell is that?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, what the hell was that?
- Shane Green: You sacrifice all the things and you won't care.
- Butt-head: What?
- Beavis: Yeah, what did he say??
- Shane Green:: Sit them out on the edge of the river.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, I think I understood something he said! I - I think he said "river"! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Good ear, Beavis. So like, this song must be about, like, this river.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, y - yeah. [buffalo horns are shown] Whoa, was that a buffalo?
- Butt-head: Uhhh...I think it's a wolf.
- Beavis: A buffalo could kick a wolf's ass, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis...
- Beavis: Uh huh?
- Butt-head: ...wolves eat buffalo!
- Beavis: Hmm.
- Butt-head: That's what they do for a living.
- Beavis: Hmm. I'm not gonna argue with you, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: And Morrissey could probably kick a buffalo's ass.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Buffalo rule! Yeah.
- Shane Green: Die like hell, but you know you should care...
- Beavis: Whoa, I...I just heard another word! I think he said "two"!
- Butt-head: Uh huh.
- Beavis: He said "two," Butt-head!
- Butt-head: That's not a word. That's a number.
- Beavis: Well, so what, I heard it. Maybe there's, like, two buffalo.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Or maybe two wolves.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis. There's a chick in a river.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, see? See, so that's why he said "river."
"F-Sharp"
[edit]Ted Nugent, "Heads Will Roll"
[edit]- [a guillotine falls and blood spatters all over the screen]
- Butt-head: Ew! That was disgusting!
- Beavis: Yeah really. That shouldn't show that kind of stuff on TV! Kids might be watching.
- Beavis: Hey, it's that dude from Damn Yankees!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Once I saw on MTV News that this dude likes to take, like, a bow and arrow and go like, shoot animals with it.
- Beavis: No way, really? Doesn't he get in trouble?
- Butt-head: No, I think it's okay. I think he can do that because he's like one of those, uh…Republicans.
- Beavis: Really? I wanna become a Republican! That would rule!
- Butt-head: But then like, I think once you become a Republican, it's like, you don't score anymore.
- Beavis: Oh well. I guess I'll just keep being a Mexican, then.
- Butt-head: They should chop other people's heads off in videos. That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, like in that Neil Diamond video. That's where they should be doing this!
- [Ted Nugent's head is disembodied and is still alive]
- Butt-head: He's trying to look all scary.
- Beavis: He's probably gonna go to jail someday.
- Butt-head: Well, that was pretty good, I guess.
- Beavis: At least it was gruesome.
Gary Numan, "Cars"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! Is this, like, David Bowie?
- Beavis: No way. I mean, this guy's a puss! But it's a different puss.
- Butt-head: This dude is andropynous.
- Beavis: You said "penis."
Audrey Nuna, feat. Jack Harlow, "Comic Sans"
[edit]- [as the video starts with Audrey rapping and acting nonchalantly]
- Beavis: Why's she so bored?
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. What's her problem? It was her idea to make the video.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. No one forced her to do this.
- Butt-head: Well, at least Jack Harlow's not in it. [Jack Harlow appears in a tattoo parlor] What?! Again?!
- Beavis: You gotta be kidding me.
- Butt-head: Boy, he's only been rapping for like five seconds, and he's already exhausted.
- Beavis: Yeah, he's like "Ugh, I suck. Why am I pretending to tattoo? No one's going to believe this."
- Butt-head: Yeah. If Jack Harlow were tattooing me, I'd have him tattoo "Jack Harlow sucks."
- Beavis: Yeah, and he'd probably be too bored to notice. "Yeah, where do you want it? Your arm, your forehead? I don't care."
- Butt-head: Yeah. Then I'd be like, "No, I want it on your forehead."
- Beavis: Then he'd be like, "Okay, I mean I do suck. Ugh..."
O
[edit]Mark O'Connor, "The Devil Comes Back to Georgia"
[edit]- [as the video starts energetically with fire and other flashy effects]
- Beavis and Butt-head: Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- [their excitement begins to dwindle as Charlie Daniels is seen playing his fiddle]
- Butt-head: Uh... uhhhh...
- Beavis: Yea- uh... huh... uh...
- Butt-head: What is this?
- Beavis: I don't know.
- Johnny Cash: [on a hill with a Bible] Been ten long years since the devil laid his fiddle at Johnny's feet, and it burned inside his mind...
- Beavis: Whoa! Look at this guy!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Who's he talking to?
- Beavis: Ummmmm... I don't know.
- Johnny Cash: ... to tempt the fiddle player, for he's just a mortal man...
- Butt-head: Is this, like, one of those priests?
- Beavis: Um, yeah.
- Johnny Cash: "The sin of pride," the devil cried, "is what will do you in."
- Marty Stuart: "I thought we had this settled. I'm the best that's ever been."
- Butt-head: Who's that? [mockingly] "I-thought-we-had-this-settled-I'm-the-best-that's-ever-been..."
- Beavis: He's a wuss!
- Johnny Cash: ... or will you let the devil be the best?
- Beavis: That dude on the hill is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I bet he could like, kick all these guys' asses.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he could! Why doesn't he? A fight would be nice.
- Travis Tritt: "Y'all better just be turning back if you want this boy to win, 'cause practice is the only cure for the predicament he's in..."
- Butt-head: Is that supposed to be Satan?
- Beavis: What a wuss!
- Butt-head: He looks like that fat dude in Van Halen.
- Beavis: They should have gotten that dude up on the hill to be Satan. He's cool!
- Butt-head: I've seen scarier Satans in a Mr. Big video. What's he doing with his hands?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! They could have gotten Richard Marx, and it would have been scarier than this!
- Beavis: This sucks. Change it.
- Butt-head: No way. Check out this chick.
- Butt-head: If you sat on her head, would it scratch your butt?
- Beavis: Yeah. This sucks. Change it.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
- Butt-head: These guys seem pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: If I was, like, old enough to drink and I was in a bar and I saw these guys, I'd sit down next to 'em and say, "Hey, how's it goin', man?"
- Butt-head: Yeah! And then they'd kick your ass.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, I could take these guys.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah, right.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
- [the band members are briefly shown naked or in their underwear]
- Butt-head: Whoa! I could be wrong, but I think I saw a naked chick.
- Beavis: Really? You mean on the TV?
- Butt-head: No, buttmunch! In the TV.
- Beavis: You mean, like, inside, like, where the tubes are and stuff?
- Butt-head: What's your problem, Beavis? Okay, look at the TV. You see those guys?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: That's where I saw the naked chick!
- Beavis: Um...but that's just a bunch of guys.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis! Are you stupid?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: You like this.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't!
- Butt-head: Beavis, I just saw you tapping your foot.
- Beavis: She's making me nervous! It's like, freaking me out. Sometimes I tap my foot when I'm nervous. And sometimes I, you know, hum along too.
- Butt-head: Whoa! This is kinda freaky.
- Beavis: Yeah, see what I mean?
- Butt-head: This is one of those art school chicks that like, you could score with them if you told them all their ideas were really good.
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah, that's probably how she made this video! Just like, got some rich guy, and told him all her ideas were really good, and he's like, "ooh, yeah."
- Butt-head: Yeah. She's like, "uh… I want a unicorn, but then I'm gonna tear the horn off and put it on my head."
- Beavis: Ooh, very good! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Have another drink and continue.
- Beavis: And then, I also want my brother to tap dance. He's really good.
- Butt-head: The rich guy's probably like, "uh… these are all great ideas, but uh… I think it would be really like, uh, really empowering if you took off your clothes and jumped off a cliff." And he's like "if you want, I can help you become a citizen."
- Beavis: Yeah, I don't think I can help your brother though.
- Butt-head: This is why hot girls shouldn't keep a dream journal.
- Beavis: Oh, boy.
- Beavis: [sees a female mannequin hanging from a rope] That chick is really hung.
- Butt-head: That wasn't funny! Dumbass!
- Butt-head: How come they didn't let that dude back in Duran Duran?
- Beavis: 'Cause he sucks.
- Butt-head: This guy thinks he's, like, smart.
- Beavis: Yeah. College music sucks.
- Butt-head: I think it's only cool if you, like, go to college.
- Butt-head: This video is like, complicated.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's stupid.
Donny Osmond, "Sacred Emotion"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this one of those beer commercials?
- Beavis: Yea, this is that one where that dude goes out in the desert, and then he opens up the beer and it starts snowing….."Step out of the old, and into the cold"…
- Butt-head: Uhh…"Nothing Beats a Butt!"
- Butt-head: How come Donny's the only dude with his shirt on?
- Beavis: 'Cause he's a wuss.
- Butt-head: He probably has saggy pecs.
- Butt-head: Did you know their dad, Lee Harvey Osmond, like, killed one of the presidents or something?
- Beavis: Yeah, and I heard the whole Osmond family is a bunch of morons!
- Butt-head: That's Mormons, buttwipe! Those are those dudes that come up to your house in bicycles.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Is this the Moron Tabernacle Choir?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I hate this moron music.
Our Lady Peace, "Starseed"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey, check it out, it's those "Black Hole Sun" mountains!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I heard about that, it's like, there's these hills outside Seattle, and they call 'em the Black Hole Sun mountains. And it's like, they're just filled with bands and stuff.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? That'd be cool if you could, like, take like a bus tour through the hills and see all the bands.
- Butt-head: Yeah, that would kick ass! It'd be like: "Up on your left is Soundgarden".
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah: "And if you be real quiet, we might see Alice in Chains!"
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: "And, if you be real quiet, you might be able to see these buttmunches!"
- Butt-head: [derisively] Church.
- Beavis: Yeah, church rules! Cuz like, there's always, like, snakes in church, and like, chicks getting it on, and like, dude's bleeding, and lots of guitars and stuff. Church rules!
- Butt-head: Beavis, what the hell are you talking about? That's not what happens in church! You've never even been to church.
- Beavis: I know, but I've seen it in videos and stuff, and like, there's always lots of smoke and snakes, and like, cool stuff.
- Butt-head: Beavis, church isn't like that. I went to church once, and it's like, there was a bunch of buttmunches strumming guitars going: "Here we are, all together as we sing our song joyfully!"
- Beavis: Yeah? Well, that song's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: No it's not, Beavis. It sucks! And then it's like, you have to go up and like, this guy puts a cracker in your mouth and like, sprays water on you and stuff.
- Beavis: Really? Well that sounds cool too! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah I guess it is kind of cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, see, see? That's not that bad! "Here we are, alltogether as we sing our song…"
- Beavis & Butt-head: "…joyfully! Keep the fire burning and kindle it with care. And we'll all join in and sing!"
- Beavis: Yeah, sounds pretty cool!
- Beavis: Whoa! A flying skull. That's cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's too bad this music sucks.
- Butt-head: Look at this guy!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! This, SUCKS!
- Beavis: Hey, it's that flying skull again. That flying skull rules.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He oughta, like, fly away and go into a video that doesn't suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, or he could, like, start his own show.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I would watch it!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too!
- Bobby Ellsworth: Hello from the gutter!
- Beavis: What's he saying?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think he's saying "yellow butter".
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Bobby Ellsworth: Welcome to the gutter! We've been expecting you! AHAHAHAHAHA!
- Beavis: [doing a high-pitched impersonation] WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
P
[edit]- Butt-head: This dude looks like one of those drunk businessmen at those croaky-okey bars.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Remember that time we were looking in the window, and we saw that big fat slob? He was going, "I'm crazy…"
- Butt-head: Then remember when that Chinese dude got up, and he sang, [mock-Chinese accent, sings] "You ain't nothing but hound dog, crying all the time"
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And then he sang, [mock-Chinese accent, sings] "Love me tender, love me true, never let me go…" [mock-Chinese gibberish] Taekwondo, better than Thai boxing!
- Butt-head: He didn't say that, Beavis!
"I'm Broken"
[edit]- Both: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Beavis: Turn it up, Butt-head, turn it up! Come on!
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis. Don't cop that attitude with me. [turns the volume down]
- Beavis: No, no, that's the wrong way, Butt-head, come on!
- Butt-head: Oh. [turns the volume up as loud as it can go] Here we go.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, kick some ass!
- Butt-head: Rock, rock, rock!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah!
- [they've turned the TV up as loud as it can go]
- Beavis: [trying to yell above the noise] HEY Butt-head, THIS IS COOL, HUH?!
- Butt-head: UHH, WHAT DID YOU SAY, BEAVIS?
- Beavis: I SAID THIS IS COOL, HUH, IT ROCKS!!
- Butt-head: UHH, WHAT?
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH!!
- Beavis: THIS GUY'S A GOOD DANCER, HUH, Butt-head??
- Butt-head: YEAH! HE'S PRETTY COOL!!
- Beavis: IT'S LIKE, HE'S A GOOD DANCER, AND HE SINGS PRETTY COOL, AND HE, LIKE ROCKS!!
- Butt-head: SHUT UP, BEAVIS!! I'M TRYING TO LISTEN!!
- Beavis: OH YEAH, ME TOO, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO!!
- Beavis: HEY Butt-head, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
- Butt-head: LET ME SEE!! [presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
- Beavis: DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
- Butt-head: LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
- Beavis: YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
- Butt-head: YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Pantera kicks everybody's ass.
- Phil Anselmo: WRONG!!!
- Butt-head: [imitates Anselmo's singing style] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
- Beavis: Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [imitates Anselmo's singing style] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!
- Butt-head: This singer looks pretty mean.
- Beavis: Do you think he gets all the chicks?
- Butt-head: Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
- Beavis: The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, does this Pantera guy ever relax?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so. This guy's dad must have kicked his ass when he was a kid.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. He was like, "Dammit Pantera, this beer is warm! Get me another one!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. He was like, "You treat your stepmother with respect, Pantera! Or you'll be sleeping in the street!"
- Beavis: He's like, "Dammit Pantera, I told you to get out there and mow that lawn! Oh, what's this? Is that a tear, Pantera? Oh, is daddy's little girl upset? I'm gonna kick your ass into next Tuesday, now get outta here! And quit acting like a damn little girl!"
Dolly Parton, "More Where That Came From"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! This is that chick with those big hooters!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah! [imitating Dolly Parton] WORKING NINE TO FIVE! IT'S THE WAY TO MAKE A LIVING!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Dolly Parton: I know I've got some stiff competition...
- Butt-head: Stiff competition?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. She's talking about us. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. This just goes to show you that some things never go out of style.
- Beavis: You mean, like, country music?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! I mean big hooters.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
"Cut Your Hair"
[edit]- Beavis: Ummm, is this one of those sneaker ads where like, those basketball players sit around in a barber shop?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah. Only it's, like, a bunch of white guys. And white music.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's "BUTT-WIPE" music! Hey, where'd that cat come from?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, I think it came out his nose.
- Beavis: Um, is that supposed to be funny?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it's supposed to be. It would have been funny if it came out of his butt!
- Beavis: Why is that, I mean, how come it like, if it comes out of his nose, it's not that funny, but like, if it comes out of his butt, it's funny? Why is that?
- Butt-head: Well, it's 'cause like, your butt has a crack in it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah!
- [one of the band members trips over a table]
- Butt-head: What a wuss!
- Beavis: I hate it when you go to the barber, and it's like, he starts cutting your hair and then he goes: "Soooo, how's school?"
- Butt-head: Yeah. I usually say: "It sucks. Now shut up and cut my hair before I stick that comb up your butt!"
- Beavis: You know, Butt-head, um, maybe that's why you get all those sucky hair cuts, y'know? Maybe you should try being a little nicer, yeah.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna shove a comb up your butt! My hair looks cool!
"Rattled by the Rush"
[edit]- Butt-head: Oh no, it's another one of these. [Beavis groans] They need to try harder.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, they're not even trying! Come on, come on! I want you to start over again, and this time, try! Come on, let's go, pick it up, come on, come on, here we go! Come on, one, two, three, four, yeah, come on! Come on, rock!
- Butt-head: This is just horrible.
- Beavis: If you're gonna be horrible, at least, like, you know, kick ass! You know, like Jesus Lizard! I mean, they suck, but they kick ass!
- Butt-head: I think these guys are just lazy.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. They're too lazy to rock, and they're too lazy to clean the tub.
- Butt-head: These guys are so lazy, they probably take a dump in the tub.
- Beavis: Heh, I do that sometimes. Poop!
- Butt-head: You poop in the tub?
- Beavis: Yeah. And then sometimes, I just pee all over the whole bathroom. Pee pee pee pee pee!
- Butt-head: You're disgusting, Beavis!
- Beavis: Heheh, yeah.
Katy Perry, "Firework"
[edit]- Beavis: You know, um, I have to say, um, I kind of like this song.
- Butt-head: Uh… okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah! Sometimes, um, if I'm not feeling to good about myself, I'll like, put this song on and like, put some fireworks in my pants, and I start to feel better.
- Butt-head: Uh, do you light the fireworks?
- Beavis: Well, yeah, I tried, but every time I put the lighter down there, in my pants, it just goes out. I need longer fuses or something. Like a longer lighter.
- Butt-head: You're a dumbass, Beavis.
- Katy Perry: You don't have to feel like a waste of space…
- Beavis: My guidance counselor said the same thing, you know, I don't have to feel like a waste of space, but when Katy Perry says it, she has fireworks coming out of her boobs, kind of uh, kind of gives me a special feeling, you know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Yeah, except Katy Perry's not talking about you, Beavis. She's talking about that Dove model by the pool. You are a waste of space.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: You're more like that part of the song before where she's talking about the plastic bag floating around, but like, if it floated into a trash can, and then a bunch of stinky homeless dudes peed all over it.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: You're not a firework.
- Beavis: DAMMIT Butt-head! SHUT UP! [Kicks Butt-head in the testicles] I am a firework!
- Butt-head: [in agony] Dammit, Beavis…
- Beavis: I'm an M-80.
- Butt-head: Hey, that's that kid from that "Losing My Religion" video.
- Beavis: Yeah, but I thought he got shot with an arrow or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Tom Petty: It's good to get high…
- Butt-head: It's good to get high?
- Beavis: What kind of message is that sending?
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you see that guy, he had like, mirrors all over himself?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: That'd be cool if you had mirrors all over your clothes like that, and then like, you could use them to see your own taint. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: I don't wanna see my taint. That's stupid.
- Beavis: See, I'm always thinking.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, it's Velvet Jones!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. He's cool. [imitates Eddie Murphy] Hi! I'm Velvet Jones.
- Beavis: Yeah , yeah. [also impersonating Eddie Murphy] Hah! Ah'm Vevvet Jones! Dis is mah book, "How to Be a Ho"! [normal voice] Yeah, it's about time someone put him in a video!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous?
- Butt-head: Because he's on TV, dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah, but how did he get on TV?
- Butt-head: Because he's famous.
- Beavis: Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous?
- Butt-head: He got famous because he's on TV.
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV?!
- Butt-head: Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!
- Butt-head: Whoa! They're, like, diving into the fishtank! That's cool!
- Beavis: Diving into the what?
- Butt-head: The fishtank, Beavis!
- Beavis: Oh. I thought those things were, like, just really fancy clear toilets. I usually take a leak in those things.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you think everything's a toilet.
- Beavis: Well, there's fish in there, right? They go to the bathroom in there, right?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: So it's a toilet. See?
- Butt-head: Yeah. They drink their own wee-wee.
- Beavis: Fish are stupid.
- Butt-head: They're like "Uhh, I guess I'll take a dump and then swim around in it."
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. Do you like sea food?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. [Beavis opens his mouth wide] Beavis, that joke only works if you have food in your mouth. Dumbass.
- Beavis: Well, use your imagination, dillhole.
Pink Floyd, "High Hopes"
[edit]- Butt-head: Oh no, is this Yanni? [pause] Uhh…oh, this is Pink Floyd.
- Beavis: Are they from England?
- Butt-head: Yep. Just another gang of wussies from England.
- Beavis: You know, I'd really like to go to England. You wanna know why, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay.
- Beavis: Because, um, I just think, like you know, since everybody's a wussy over there, you know, I could just go around and kick everybody's ass, and then I could probably get some chicks because I'd be the only guy who's not a wussy. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you'd probably be even be a wussy, like you know, to them.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I could kick some ass. They'd be like [sings] "The grass was greener…" and then I'd come up and kick 'em in the nads - "Wha-ha!" - and then I would score.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but I think their nads are so small in England that, like, it'd be pretty easy to miss.
- Beavis: Well, okay, so I'd kick 'em in somewhere else. Just…just shut up, you always mess up my…my dreams! Butthole!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: You know, if you didn't know anything about these guys, and just heard the name "Pink Floyd", and then you heard this crap, you know, you'd probably think that it was just like, total wuss music.
- Butt-head: Uhh, it is wuss music, Beavis.
- Beavis: Whoa, look! Big bingo balls!
Pizzicato Five, "Twiggy, Twiggy"
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check this out. [sings in a fake Mexican accent] Let us put the man and woman together and find out which one is smarter…that was cool
- Beavis: What language is this?
- Butt-head: Uh…I think it's like…French.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Or Mexican, or something.
- Beavis: I'll be damned... Yeah... I can sing in French; check this out. [Beavis sings in a fake Japanese accent; the only coherent words are "taco supremo"]
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis! You sound just like those dudes.
- Beavis: Whoa! Check it out, Butt-head! That's that guy from My Three Sons! That's Ernie from My Three Sons! See? Back in the doorway? That's him!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! That is him. Check this out. [Imitates Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. Seems like a lot of work to me.
- Beavis: [Also imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think I'll go put on a stupid dork outfit and go dance like a wuss for a while.
- Butt-head: [Continuously imitating Ernie] Hey Uncle Charley. I think me and Chip are gonna dance around like a bunch of dorks.
- Beavis: And then, like, Uncle Charley's like [Imitates Uncle Charley] Dammit Ernie, I’m trying to make a cake here! Will you get out of the kitchen and quit acting like a dork?!
- Butt-head: [laughs] Yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah. My three son-of-a-bitches.
- Butt-head: This is like, one of those commercials where you don't know what it's for.
- Beavis: Yeah, what is it for?
- Butt-head: I think it's that one where guy's like, "When disaster strikes, you want to be covered."
- Beavis: No no, that one has that guy who used to be president before Obama.
- Butt-head: Oh, it's another one of those boner drug commercials.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah.
- Butt-head: "Everyday, millions of Americans can't get wood."
- Beavis: "Ask your doctor is Levitan is right for you. Side effects may kick ass."
- Butt-head: "Levitan may cause excessive vomiting, double vision, blurriness, dizziness, confusion..."
- Beavis: "And a boner that goes on for four hours."
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
Plasmatics, "The Damned"
[edit]- [video opens with this message: "WARNING: THIS VIDEO WAS CREATED AND PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONAL CONCEPTUAL ARTISTS. YOU SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME."]
- Beavis: Check it out. A warning!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That means they're gonna do something cool.
- [a fire is shown]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Like that fire. Fire, fire, fire! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
- Butt-head: Whoa! She's almost naked!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And she has nails coming out of her arms.
- Butt-head: Ooh, baby! Come to Butt-head!
- Butt-head: This chick's a good singer 'cause she hardly wears any clothes.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And she's holding a bomb.
- Butt-head: Chicks are cool.
- [Wendy O. Williams is driving a school bus towards a wall of TVs]
- Butt-head: This is gonna be cool!
- [the bus smashes through the TVs]
- Beavis: Yes!
- Butt-head: Cool! Check it out! This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
- Butt-head: If our school bus did that, I'd go to school all the time.
- Beavis: Yeah. Me too.
- [Wendy O. Williams is on top of the moving school bus]
- Butt-head: This video has, like, explosions, and like, half-naked chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah. And fire!
- Butt-head: Yeah. And TVs getting smashed, and screaming. It's got something for everyone.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- [Wendy O. Williams jumps off the bus right before it smashes into another wall of TVs; the bus then explodes]
- Beavis and Butt-head: YES! YES!
- Butt-head: YES!
- Beavis: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
- Butt-head: Now that really was cool!
- Beavis: Yeah!
Buster Poindexter, "Zat You Santa Claus?"
[edit]- Buster: ZAT YOU, SANTY CLAUS!?!?
- [Beavis does a spit take]
- Butt-head: This guy seems pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Look at his nose! I bet this guy could pick his nose with his big toe!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's cool! I do that sometimes!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? That's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis.
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: If you eat your own boogers, does that make you, like, one of those "cannibists"?
- Beavis: Yeah, it makes you one of those, one of those uh, uh, "cannilbulsists"!
- Butt-head: How come boogers don't, like, stink?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, they look ugly, so it's like you think they would stink.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Actually, I think they look pretty cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too!
"I Want Action"
[edit]- Butt-head: This is so horrible, I can't even begin to talk about how much this sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. Look at these buttknockers!
- Butt-head: Remember back when they used to play videos by these guys all the time?
- Beavis: Yeah, that really sucked.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's a good thing they're gone.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Beavis: Wait a minute. That dude right there, I think he's that dude who drives the snack truck now.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's right, he's got a mustache now, and he's just got long hair in the back.
- Butt-head: I bet these guys like practice their little wussy dance movies.
- Beavis: Yeah. Guitars up! Two, three, four and kick!
- Beavis: It's like, [high-pitched voice] Bobby, I smeared my lipstick when I kissed my finger. Can I borrow some of yours?
- Butt-head: You're a little too good at that, Beavis.
- [the names of the band members are flashed onscreen]
- Butt-head: Bobby. C.C., and Brettt!
- Beavis: And don't forget Rikki!
"Unskinny Bop"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uhh…y'know I don't say this too often, but uh, this sucks.
- Beavis: Ummm, you say that all the time, actually.
- Butt-head: Uhhh…oh yeah.
- Beavis: And to think that this dude used to boff Pamela Anderson.
- Butt-head: Like that would ever happen.
- Beavis: I think it did happen. But anyway, she's on this thing with, um, this guy, his name is…Anthony Roberts, he has these tapes, and these things, and he makes you feel good. She watched him, and now she has huge hooters and she's on TV. It's pretty cool, I was thinking of getting some of those tapes.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you'd look good with big hooters, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You know that's not what I meant.
- Beavis: You know who else Pamela Anderson boffed, is, uh, Scott Baio.
- Butt-head: Uhh, really?
- Butt-head: You know, this Poison dude kinda looks like Pamela Anderson.
- Beavis: Yeah, you know, I was thinking, y'know, if he got some hooters, maybe he could be on Baywatch. You know, since his career sucks now, he probably doesn't have a job.
- [as Black goes through a school cafeteria throwing trays around]
- Butt-head: Uh, what's she so pissed off about?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "Look at all you people with your, with your grilled cheese sandwiches, and your, your milk and your vitamin D. It fills me with rage!"
- [a shot of unenthusiastic teens as Black dances in a gym]
- Beavis: These people don't seem too into it.
- Butt-head: Yeah, they're like, "Another band raged through here yesterday. We're all raged out."
- Beavis: "Yeah, but did they go through the library, the cafeteria?"
- Butt-head: "Yup. Same route. The cafeteria, the gym, they showed up the cheerleaders..."
- [Lil Wayne appears]
- Beavis: Whoa! Is that Little Wayne?
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's like, "I was just back in the teacher's lounge grading papers. What's going on out here?" I wish our guidance counselor was as cool as Little Wayne.
- Beavis: Yeah, he'd be like "Have you considered stackin' papers and gettin' paid? You know what I'm sayin'?"
- Butt-head: "Have you thought about face tattoos and sipping sizzurp?"
- Beavis: So um, how did this chick get Little Wayne to be in her video?
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe it was like part of his community service?
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. It was probably like, either that or pick up trash.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And he did pick up trash.
Porno for Pyros, "Pets"
[edit]- Butt-head: What's with all these squares?
- Beavis: Orange squares suck.
- Butt-head: If I wanted to learn about geometry, I'd go to school.
- Beavis: Geometry's not about squares. It's about triangles and stuff.
- Butt-head: I meant advanced geometry.
- Beavis: These guys sure got wimpy.
- Butt-head: Shut up, fartknocker! These guys are cool!
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- [the video opens with Post Malone, in medieval armor, kneeling]
- Butt-head: "Jesus Christ of the Lord, God on High, thank you for making me Post Malone."
- Beavis: "Thank you for making me rich, and have lots of chicks too. Amen."
- Beavis: Whoa! Whoa, he doesn't have any armor on his schlong! It's just wide open! And his testes too!
- Butt-head: Boy, he just doesn't care about his weiner.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. "An evil rises in Mordor, but Post Malone shall not wear any armor on his schlong!"
- [a woman without a mouth is shown]
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she doesn't have a mouth!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He finally found a chick who can't tell him his music sucks.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I kinda like it, you know? He's just kinda lazy. [imitating Post Malone] "A bad guy now... I don't believe it..."
- Butt-head: Yeah, he looks lazy.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's cool.
- [the mouthless woman is shown with long braided hair]
- Butt-head: Whoa! She grew her own noose so she could kill herself, 'cause he sucks.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. This kicks ass.
- [she's seen walking into a river]
- Butt-head: "Well, the noose didn't work. I guess I better drown myself."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! She just needs to go wash her hair for Post Malone. People keep stepping on it.
"Cooped Up" feat. Roddy Ricch
[edit]- [while Post Malone smokes a cigarette while he sings]
- Butt-head: Boy, when Post Malone smokes, he smokes... and smokes and smokes.
- Beavis: Yeah, he just smokes the bejesus out of those cigarettes.
- Butt-head: When Post Malone smokes a cigarette, that cigarette knows it's been smoked.
- Beavis: If you're a cigarette, and you see Post Malone coming, you can kiss your butt goodbye.
- Butt-head: Pretty soon he's gonna have to have one of those throat voice box things where you have a hole in your throat.
- Beavis: Yeah, then he'll probably sound like, you know... well... well he'll probably sound the same. Just like this, yeah. [imitating Post Malone] Mum-a-sum-a-dip-a-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-toilet...
- Butt-head: Uh, wait a minute. Maybe he's had one of those all along.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah. That's why he's wearing that turtleneck! You know, I used to think smoking was really cool until you get that hole in your throat, but now he's even made that cool!
- Butt-head: Yep. He kicks ass. But he also gets tired really fast, and that's why he sounds all lazy when he sings. He's like, "Ugh... my back, ugh... you take it for a minute, Roddy Ricch. I'm exhausted."
- Beavis: "Ugh, just need to sit down and have a cigarette. You know, I've been working real hard smoking, I'm gonna have a little smoke break here."
- Butt-head: Yup. The best time to have a cigarette is right after a cigarette.
- Beavis: [as dancers dance around Post Malone and Roddy Ricch] Look at that old guy down at the bottom trying to weasel into the party.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that's, like, his doctor. He's trying to dance his way up to Post Malone to tell him he only has six weeks to live.
- Beavis: He's like, "Yeah yeah yeah, hey everybody, hey Post, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah yeah yeah, it's kind of important."
- Butt-head: Yeah he's like, "Uh, Roddy Ricch, can you tell Post Malone to come over here for a minute?"
- Beavis: "Post! Post, the X-rays don't look good, I need to talk to you right now."
- Butt-head: "Well, never mind, he'll find out soon enough."
- Beavis: "Yeah. Nothing we can do anyway."
- [video opens with an animated drawing of a topless woman]
- Butt-head: Whoa! She's almost naked! That's cool!
- [a woman is dancing behind a flame]
- Beavis: Fire! Fire! Fire!
- Beavis: Check it out, it's Pussy Galore!
- Butt-head: That's that chick from that movie about that guy with those numbers.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's got two zeros in his number so that he can kill people. That's cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah. James Bong.
- Beavis: You said "bong."
- Power Station: Get it on, bang a gong...
- Butt-head: They said "bong"!
- Butt-head: Check it out, a toilet!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! M-80 it.
- Butt-head: We should have a toilet installed right in front of the TV. That would be cool!
- Beavis: We could put a uriner right next to the TV.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That sucks when you have to take a leak, and you gotta, like, leave the room.
- Beavis: Yeah. We can just take a leak right here.
- Butt-head: They don't have enough toilets in videos.
- Beavis: Yeah. They need more toilets in videos. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Like more of those uriners.
- Beavis: Yeah. Those are cool.
Primal Scream, "Rocks"
[edit]- Bobby Gillespie: Whores keep whoring, junkies keep scoring…
- Beavis: Um…wha'd he say?
- Butt-head: Uh…I think he said something about whores, and like, junk.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Whores and garbage, that's pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you can't beat that.
- Beavis: Yeah I can!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. [slaps Beavis, who screams] Don't start with me today.
- Beavis: I wasn't. I was starting with me.
- Bobby Gillespie: Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey…
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head what's he saying? Get your rock salt? What's rock salt?
- Butt-head: Uh…you know, like, doing it.
- Beavis: Oh, really? It seems like uh…like most songs are about doing it.
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah. You got a problem with that, Beavis?
- Beavis: Uh, no…
- Butt-head: That's the way it should be.
- Beavis: Uh…oh yeah.
- Butt-head: This like, uh… kinda rocks.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, like you know… rock salt.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, I just saw a girl's butt!
- Butt-head: There's a lot of chick's butts in here, Beavis.
- Beavis: No, I mean she was naked!
- Butt-head: You're not allowed to show a naked butt on TV!
- Beavis: Well, it looked like she was naked. And it was pretty cool.
- See also: Primus, "Poetry And Prose", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 8.
- Beavis: Is this the Benny Hill Show?
- Butt-head: No, there aren't any chicks in bikinis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Hey, this is Primus! [sings] My name is M-M-M-M-M-Mud!
- Butt-head: Maybe this guy will spit again.
- Les Claypool: If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee…
- Butt-head: Whoa, did you hear that? I think he just said "If I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee".
- Beavis: Really? Hey Butt-head, let's go get some druthers.
- Beavis: You know what this video needs, it needs like, a toilet
- Butt-head: Why would they put a toilet in here, Beavis? It doesn't have anything to do with toilets. It's about…uhh…I don't know.
- Beavis: I don't care.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out Butt-head, Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. Kick 'em in the nads!
- Butt-head: Robots don't have nads, dumb ass!
- Beavis: Mine do. I glued 'em on. I put nads on all my action figures. I use, like, BBs and raisins and stuff.
- Butt-head: That's disgusting, Beavis!
- Butt-head: [about lead singer Les Claypool] That looks like that dude from Deliverance.
- Beavis: Yeah. Remember that part with that pig?
- Butt-head: That wasn't a pig, Beavis. That was Ned Beatty.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I've watched that movie seven times.
- Butt-head: Me too. "Squeal like a pig, boy!"
- Beavis: Yeah!
- [Les Claypool spits]
- Beavis: Spit! Cool!
- Butt-head: That's cool!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- [three fat men are shown in a sauna]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Fat people!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. They don't have enough fat people in videos.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And more spit in videos. Like, people hocking loogies.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. More spit, and more fat people.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Fat people are cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [Prince is wearing tight pants and his penis can be seen bulging]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Check out his unit!
- Beavis: Whoa, this chick is flat!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you see that unit?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: That means it's not a chick.
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah. I wasn't looking.
- Beavis: I wonder what the most beautiful chick in the world looks like.
- Butt-head: Uh, well, she has to be naked.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And she'd have to have boobs.
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. It'd also be cool if she had a butt, too.
- Beavis: Yeah! That would rule! And also like, if her butt was naked!
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah. Well, you know, when I said she'd have to be naked, I meant, you know, down there.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: You know Beavis, I was looking at your mom naked once.
- Beavis: Really? How come you were naked?
- Butt-head: No, Beavis! Your mom was naked.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: You know how Prince is searching for the most beautiful chick in the world?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Well, he doesn't need to go anywhere near your house.
- Beavis: Shut up, butthole! I'm sick of you badmouthing my mom!
- Butt-head: [chuckles] Mouthing?
- Beavis: [laughs] Oh yeah, mouthing! Bad mouthing!
The Prodigy, "Poison"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! They're cracking concrete!
- Beavis: Um, [nonchalantly] you said "crack."
- Beavis: Well...I guess I'll just, um...I guess I'll just do this for awhile. [imitates the bass line]
- Beavis: Whoa! They're rolling around in a pool of feces!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! Cool.
- Butt-head: I think this video is, like, a tribute to turds.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's about time. I've been meaning to do a tribute to my own turds. It's called "Poop: A Retrospective."
- Butt-head: You know who I'd like to see roll around in a bunch of feces?
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: Hootie & the Blowfish!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That would be cool. It'd be like, "With a little love, poop! And a little tenderness! Plop, plop!"
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: "Plop, plop, plop!"
- Butt-head: That would rule!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! And I think it would really go with the music really well, too.
"Prove You Wrong"
[edit]- Butt-head: Cool! This sounds pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah! It kicks, BUTT! Hey, check out the skull.
- Butt-head: That's not a skull, Beavis. That's just like, a really ugly dude.
- Butt-head: I wish, like, in school, they would teach something practical, like, heavy metal.
- Beavis: Yeah! They should have, like, "Heavy Metal Choir"!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: UP-UP-URAGH UP-UP-UH-UH-UH-UH-RRRAAAAGGHHH!!!
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah! This video has cool looking stuff in it.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Even though it's not on the screen long enough to see what it is, you could still tell it's cool.
- Butt-head: Y'know what makes this band COOL?
- Beavis: Yeah! Ah, uh, I mean, what?
- Butt-head: They have two dudes who are good screamers, and they like, take turns screaming.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! "PROVE YOU WRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGG!!!!!!" Yeah!
- Butt-head: Screaming is cool!
- Beavis: Yeah! "AAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAGGHHH, PROVE YOU WRONG, AGHAGAHA!!!!!"
"Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"
[edit]- [video opens with a dripping faucet]
- Beavis: Hey hey, did you see the faucet, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Yeah. And you know, wherever there's a faucet, there's probably a toilet close by.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And wherever there's toilets, there's like, butts, and wieners, and turds, and uh, wee-wee! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Yeah. A little something for everyone.
- Butt-head: This dude must use the same shampoo as me.
- Beavis: Umm...uh...you don't use shampoo, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uhh...oh yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Is this that band, Schlong?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! It's Prong!
- Beavis: Oh. Oh. Well...I wasn't that far off. Butthole.
- [video opens with a woman beating dirt off a carpet]
- Butt-head: She's beating her carpet.
- Beavis: Yeah. We should do that.
- Butt-head: It looks cool.
- John Lydon: I could be wrong, I could be right, I could be black, I could be white...
- Butt-head: You're white.
- Beavis: [on John Lydon's orange, spiky hairstyle] He's got a hair stiffy.
- [a group of old people is shown]
- Butt-head: [scoffs] Old people.
- John Lydon: I could be wrong...
- Butt-head: You're wrong.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's all wrong. And his hair is orange.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
"The Body"
[edit]- Beavis: Is this a bakery?
- Butt-head: That guy has a disease.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's got wussyitis.
- Butt-head: Yeah. First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had an operation?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. I had my tonsils removed once.
- Butt-head: Whoa! That means you were neutered, dude!
- Beavis: No way! Really?
- Butt-head: Dude, that's what they do when they remove your testicles!
- Beavis: Cool!
- Butt-head: I was thinking of having my mucous membranes removed. That way, you like, never get a runny nose.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: The mucous membranes are the part of your brain that makes you, like, remember mucus. So like, if you have 'em removed, you'll just forget to blow your nose all the time.
- Butt-head: That would be pretty cool! Let's go get the pliers and remove our mucous membranes.
The Pursuit of Happiness, "Cigarette Dangles"
[edit]- [the lyrics flash on the screen]
- Butt-head: What?
- Butt-head: I hate words.
- Beavis: Yeah. Words suck.
- Butt-head: If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
- Butt-head: This is college music.
- Beavis: Yeah. College music sucks.
- Moe Berg: Your cigarette dangles...
- Butt-head: He said "dangle."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat.
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's pretty cool! You're pretty smart, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah.
Q
[edit]"Delusional"
[edit]- [band member Walter Schreifels, who resembles Jim Carrey, is shown]
- Beavis: Hey, that's that guy from Dumb and Dumber.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! I think that's Dumb.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- [a woman approaches a car]
- Butt-head: Whoa! We need to get one of those!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I know! I know! I KNOW! I've been saying that for a long time, Butt-head. It's like, we need to get a cool-looking chick. Maybe then people will start to respect us and stuff. It's like, then we'll start getting respect, and then we'll get more chicks, and then, like, with more chicks, like, we'll get more respect, and then after that, we'll get, like, more money, then we'll get, like, more chicks and more money and more respect, and we'll just, like, keep on going! And all it takes is just getting that first chick! Yeah, if we could just get one chick--
- Butt-head: I'm not talking about the chick, buttmunch! I was talking about that air freshener thing in the car.
- Beavis: Oh. Oh, oh yeah. Sorry about that.
"Dine Alone"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! I wish I had a shirt like that.
- Beavis: Yeah. That would be cool if we, like, had other shirts and stuff.
- Butt-head: Yeah! It's like, you could wear one shirt one day and then, like, the next day, you wear, like, a different shirt. That would rule!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- [a woman in a bathtub is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's cool. It's like, this video was pretty cool, and then they show a naked chick in a tub.
- Beavis: Yeah. Maybe she'll get up and dry herself off.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. She doesn't want to get out of the tub 'cause she has morning wood!
- Butt-head: Beavis! I hope you were joking.
- Beavis: Um...y - yeah. Yeah, that was pretty funny.
- Butt-head: These guys, like, rule and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! It's like, it's like, it rules and stuff.
- [video opens with a teenage boy on his bed turning on a radio]
- Butt-head: Whoa! I saw that guy in detention!
- Beavis: Yeah. He doesn't want to sit up 'cause he's got morning wood.
- Butt-head: Rise and shine!
- Butt-head: This is stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah. And it sucks, too.
- Butt-head: These effects aren't very special.
- Beavis: Yeah. These effects suck.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
R
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, look at that! They almost showed that chick's butt!
- Butt-Head: Yeah, but close only counts in horseshoes and like, uh, lemonade, or something.
"Pop Song 89"
[edit]- [censored version of the video plays, with black squares covering everyone's breasts, including lead singer Michael Stipe]
- Butt-head: That chick has small boobs.
- Beavis: Yeah. You can tell even with that black square on there.
- [lyrics start crawling across the screen]
- Butt-head: Uhh...
- Beavis: How many times do I have to say this? I hate videos with words.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Beavis: How come they put those black things on all the girls' thingies?
- Butt-head: Yeah. That sucks! How come they don't show boobs?
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah.
- Butt-head: [scoffs] Happiness.
- Beavis: Yeah. Um, uh, you said "penis." Just thought I'd tell you.
- Butt-head: I know! Why do you think they call it "happiness"?
- Beavis: Ohh, yeah yeah, because...um, because like, you know, 'cause like, your wiener, when - when your wiener's happy, you're happy.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Um...you know, um, I wasn't feeling very good when the song started, but um, I - I feel pretty good now! Feelin' pretty happy! Shiny. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis! You're miserable because, like, nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything.
- Beavis: Um, yeah, but I'm - I'm hung like a horse!
- Beavis: Yep. Feelin' pretty good! [sings along quietly] Shiny happy people! Yeah! Dah da-da-dun dun-dun, dun dun-dun, dun-dun! Shiny happy people! [Butt-head smacks him] AAHHHH!
- Beavis: Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Let's get a little mellow.
- Beavis: Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.
- Butt-head: Hey, that looks like that dude…uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
- Butt-head: Uhh…yeah, what is his name?
- Beavis: Dammit…he's always going, "I must say,"
- Butt-head: And then he's always saying he's gonna be on Wheel of Fortune, and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
- Beavis: No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
- Butt-head: Uhh, sure. [slaps Beavis several times]
- Beavis: AHH! OWW!! Um…Ed Grimley!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
- Beavis: You hit me?
- Butt-head: Yeah. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAHHHH!!!
- Beavis: Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!
Raging Slab, "Anywhere but Here"
[edit]- [video opens with a woman spitting out a coin]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was pretty cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head, it's that little dude!
- Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis?
- Beavis: Wasn't that that kid from "Webster"?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
- Butt-head: Is this Skynyrd?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: This is pretty cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Arnold. Where are Willis and Kimberly?
- Beavis: I wonder if they're in the same jail?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Right alongside Danny Bonerduce.
- Beavis: Danny Bonaduce! Bonaduce! Bonaduce! Bonaduce!
- Butt-head: Check this out. He's gonna say it.
- Beavis: Say it! SAY IT!
- Butt-head: Say it! Say it, bumwipe!
- Gary Coleman: What'chu talkin' about?
Railroad Jerk, "Rollerkoaster"
[edit]- Beavis: Woah. Is she Chinese?
- Butt-head: I think that's that Connie Schlong chick that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.
- Lead singer: But sex!
- Butt-head: Butt sex?
- Beavis: How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
- Beavis: Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.
- Butt-head: I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
- Beavis: You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Isn't she already easy enough?
- Beavis: Enough!
- Beavis: Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
- Butt-head: [humoring him] Okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Beavis: Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
- Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.
- Butt-head: Uh, that looks kinda like Conan O'Brien.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong.
- Butt-head: Uh, no. You're thinking of me, Beavis.
- Beavis: No. I was thinking of me, actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
The Rake's Progress, "I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One"
[edit]- Beavis: [seeing a man milking a cow] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
- Butt-head: No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
- Beavis: Um…you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
- Butt-head: No, you squeeze its boobs!
- Beavis: Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it.
- Butt-head: I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
- Beavis: Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [Beavis lets his jaw hang open] This feels kinda good.
- Butt-head: Maybe I'll try it. [Butt-head lets his jaw hang open] This is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own pud.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
- Beavis: Well, um, was I there?
- Butt-head: Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.
- [the duo are watching "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John]
- Butt-head: This sucks. Let's watch something cool.
- [flips channel; "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones is on]
- Beavis: Yes!!
- Beavis and Butt-head: [air guitar and headbanging; imitates guitar sound vocally] Dananananananana dananananananana!
"Pet Sematary"
[edit]"Substitute"
[edit]- [the video opens with a man giving a lecture]
- Butt-head: Uhh, where are the drums?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
- Butt-head: Uhh, maybe this is rap.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?
- Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
- Butt-head: No it's not.
- Beavis: Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
- Butt-head: No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! I think that was him!
- Joey Ramone: But I'm a substitute…
- Beavis: Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, [a painting of Kojak is shown for a split second] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
- Butt-head: Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
- Butt-head: Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, she's a slut!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And that chick from White Zombie! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.
- Beavis: What's he doing in this video?
- Butt-head: He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!
- Butt-head: Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!
- Butt-head: Yeah, he says: [disoriented] "Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh."
- Beavis: Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.
- Butt-head: Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--
- Beavis: Aah, shut up Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?
- Beavis: I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Shut up!
- Butt-head: Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh…my hand hitting your face again.
- Beavis: Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.
- Butt-head: Beavis, don't you ever tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.
- Beavis: [kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [walks away]
- Butt-head: [In pain] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!
- See also: Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Search And Destroy", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 10.
- Butt-head: (On Flea) Hey Beavis, he has your hair.
- Butt-head: Tattoos are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna get one.
- Butt-head: You could have "I'm a puss" tattood on your butt.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Beavis: I saw pictures of these guys, and they had socks on their penises.
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Butt-head: Cool! This is cool!
- Beavis: This doesn't suck.
- Butt-head: Anthony Kiedis is cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. These guys get all the chicks.
- Butt-head: Yeah. These guys are cool!
- Butt-head: Flea is cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. Flea is cool!
- [a skull is shown]
- Butt-head: I like the skull.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [masks are shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! A mask!
- Beavis: Yeah. That's like that joke, "If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards."
- Butt-head: No, dillweed, that's not how it goes! It's, "If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards."
- Beavis: You mean, "If your dog was as ugly as you."
- Butt-head: That's what I said! "If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards."
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That's pretty funny.
- Butt-head: Uhh…what is this?
- Beavis: Oh, I know. This is that song "Cotton-Eyed Joe", we used to sing this in kindergarten.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules
- Butt-head: That was back when school was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.
- Butt-head: Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?
- Beavis: Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.
- Butt-head: You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.
"Psychobilly Freakout"
[edit]- Jim Heath: It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
- Butt-head: This dude is weird!
- Beavis: Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing video games all day and like, drinking Slushies.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's cool!
- Jim: It's a Psychobilly Freakout!
- Beavis: It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Yeah, yeah! That's what it is, Butt-head! It's a Psychobilly Freakout! Everybody pull down your pants, [shaking] ah-YEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
- Beavis: Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?
- Butt-head: Uh…
- Jim: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh huh huh.
- Jim: IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!
- Butt-head: I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': "DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!" Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: I bet you could score a lot of points.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!
"Wiggle Stick"
[edit]- [video opens with snakes]
- Beavis: Whoa, snakes are cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I've got a good feeling about this video.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me too.
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: YES!
- Butt-head: This guy rules!
- Beavis: Yeah! This guy rocks! He ROCKS!
- Beavis: [singing along badly] I got a wiggle stick, mama! [normal voice] I got a wiggle stick.
- Butt-head: Well, don't wiggle it here.
- Butt-head: This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, get him! Get him in the butt! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! Get him! Get him! Get him in the butt! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
- Butt-head: Did I mention that this is cool?
- Beavis: Um, I don't think so.
- [a newspaper with Oriental characters is shown]
- Butt-head: What's all that crap on the newspaper?
- Beavis: I think that's like, um...words and stuff.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- [a dog is shown]
- Butt-head: Check it out, Beavis, it's one of those Lavatory Retrievers.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?
- Butt-head: Uh...I don't know.
- Beavis: Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your nads.
- Butt-head: Your dentist inspects your nads?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Doesn't yours?
- Butt-head: No. That's what the doctor does, Beavis.
- Beavis: My dentist always looks at my nads. I have full coverage. Yeah.
- Beavis: You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like James Bond? How do you get one of those?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test.
- Beavis: I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, "Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?"
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him.
- Beavis: No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble.
- Butt-head: You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse.
- Beavis: Yeah, exactly.
- Butt-head: Peace...
- Olivia Rodrigo: [dancing with a group of cheerleaders] Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...
- Beavis: You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.
- Butt-head: Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant.
- Butt-head: The coach is like, "Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend."
- [as Olivia Rodrigo dances in a room engulfed in flames]
- Beavis: "When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!"
- Olivia Rodrigo: ... Like a damn sociopath!
- Butt-head: Uhhhh... what is that word, "soshiopath?"
- Beavis Oh, yeah yeah, I wonder what it means.
- Butt-head: That school psychiatrist said I was one of those, but it didn't matter, 'cause I don't care about her at all. Or anyone else really. I don't care about others. [cackles]
- Beavis: You know, I would love to have a girl this mad at me, because that means that I scored with her before, you know?
- Butt-head: Yeah. No girl will ever be this pissed off about you, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah... no one's ever gonna burn down my house. I guess I'll just have to do it myself.
- Butt-head: You'll die alone.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head.
Rolling Stones, "Emotional Rescue"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this Predator?
- Beavis: Um, I think this is Mortal Kombat. Yeah, yeah! They're gonna pull that guy's spine out! YAAAAHHHHH! AAAAHHHH!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Maybe these are, like, those Desert Storm goggles.
- Beavis: Yeah. That was cool. The mother of all wars has begun! YAAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW! Incoming scud!
- Butt-head: You're pretty cool sometimes, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Remember when we saw that thing on TV about that dude in this band who, like, married that chick?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! He married his son's daughter, and then it's, like, his son married his mom.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. And so like, so like, the uh, like - like - like, his son was like, uh, a dork.
- Butt-head: So like, his own son was, like, his stepdad.
- Beavis: And then like, his mom was actually, um, uh, a slut.
- Butt-head: Yeah! She's a slut! And then it turned out that that dude was only 16.
- Beavis: Yeah.
"Disconnect"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out, it's the liar! "Liar, Liar, I'll rip your guts out! I'll kick your ass! Liar!"
- Butt-head: Shut up! Those aren't the words.
- Beavis: WHOA, WHORES! Check it out, Butt-head! Whores!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Whores rule.
- Butt-head: That would suck to be a cab driver.
- Beavis: Um, no wait, Butt-head, I think it'd be pretty cool. I'd be a good cab driver, I'd be, like, "Where are you going today, ma'am? Okay. How do you get there?"
- Butt-head: You would suck, Beavis. You sounded like a stupid dork. You're never gonna be able to do anything.
- Beavis: That would be cool.
- [Henry Rollins is shown walking through a crowded street]
- Beavis: Check out this part, Butt-head. "Excuse me, hey. Hey, excuse me, pardon me. Hey! Hey, dammit! Hey! Hey, watch it! Dammit! Dammit! Man!"
- Butt-head: Beavis, just shut up.
- Beavis: Um...um, okay. Yeah.
- [Henry Rollins is shown doing push-ups]
- Butt-head: Dammit. Just when you think something cool's about to happen, he starts showing off how strong he is.
- Beavis: Butt-head, I don't want to hear you complaining on this video. This is about the only cool thing we've seen in a long time.
- Butt-head: Beavis, don't ever take that tone with me.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Henry Rollins: So you think you're gonna live your life alone…
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Henry Rollins: …in darkness and seclusion.
- Beavis: Darkness rules!
- Henry Rollins: …and then you meet me.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.
- Butt-head: He's talking to a chick, Beavis.
- [Henry Rollins is wearing a Superman outfit with the letter "R" on his chest]
- Butt-head: Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!
- Butt-head: Lying rules.
"Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody"
[edit]- Butt-head: This dude used to be the lead singer for Van Halen. They got that video, "Right Now."
- Beavis: Yeah. That's that video with all those words on the screen.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Like, "Right now, David wishes he had his old job back."
- Beavis: Yeah. Like, "Right now, David is planning to kill Sammy Hagar."
- Butt-head: "Right now, David is trying to convince some chick that he used to be the lead singer for Van Halen."
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- [David Lee Roth enters a room with Michael Jackson]
- Beavis: Fire! Fire! Fire!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Hey, where's Tito?
- Butt-head: This dude dances like John Cougar Mallomar.
- Beavis: Yeah. But he doesn't suck as much.
- Butt-head: Yeah. John Cougar Melon Balls really sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah. John Cougar Military Camp.
- Butt-head: The one cool thing about this dude is that he always has chicks with big thingies in his videos.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- [video opens with David Lee Roth rock climbing]
- Butt-head: He's stuck in a crack.
- [guitarist is shown playing a heart-shaped guitar]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That guitar is cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. It's shaped like one of those things.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Like that tattoo on your mom's butt.
- Beavis: No, that one's on her shoulder. She's got a battleship on her butt.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: [mocking David Lee Roth's long hair] And remember, I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a member!
- Butt-head: You said "member." That was cool.
- Butt-head: Sing, fat boy! Sing!
- Beavis: Paradise sucks. Yeah.
"She's My Machine"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uh...who the Hell is this?
- Beavis: Um...um...um...
- Butt-head: Uh, this guy sorta sounds familiar.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He kinda looks familiar, too. Um...umm...is this Adam Curry?
- Butt-head: No. Uh, is it Sting?
- Beavis: No, that's not Sting, that's umm...uh, oh, I know, that's Miss Romano from, um, from, uh, uh, One Day at a Time!
- Butt-head: No it's not! I think it's David Lee Roth?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah right. Um...maybe it's, umm--
- Butt-head: Beavis, I think this is David Lee Roth. Oh my God!
- Beavis: Oh! Yeah, yeah, it's him! Where are all the chicks?
- Butt-head: I don't know. It's like, something's wrong with him.
- Beavis: Yeah. I'm concerned about him.
- Beavis: Yes!
- Butt-head: These guys are cool!
- Butt-head: This is a def jam. These guys are def.
- Beavis: Whoa! You mean they can't hear?
- Butt-head: No, Beavis!
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Are you down with the king?
- Beavis: Are they talking about, like, Don King?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass, he was talking about Burger King.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Pete Rock: ...since kindergarten, I acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade, I went straight to college.
- Butt-head: Whoa! College sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah. I don't like knowledge, either.
- Beavis: This chick is hot.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? Would you make out with her?
- Beavis: Yeah! I'd be all over it!
- Butt-head: Really? That's a guy, Beavis.
- Beavis: No way!
- Butt-head: You want to make out with a dude!
- Butt-head: He's got a nice butt, huh, Beavis?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Ooh! He's sexy, huh, Beavis?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- [video opens with a shirtless man in dreadlocks]
- Beavis: Whoa, is that Jesus? Is that our Lord Jesus Christ?
- Butt-head: Uh, no, I think it's Lenny Kravitz.
- Beavis: Umm...no, I think it's... [disappointed] oh, it's Rush. Oh, God.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: [imitating the Rush song "The Spirit of Radio"] Invisible airwaves crackle with life! Bright antennae bristle with the energy! Um, this guitar sounds kinda cool, though.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If you happen to be a wuss.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: A dude with dreadlocks and tattoos strapped to a chair. That's a good idea for a video.
- Beavis: Um, didn't they do that before?
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, this guy's on a pole.
- Beavis: O - oh yeah, yeah. No, wait a minute, Butt-head! I think they already did that, too, I saw a dude, like, strapped to a chair up on, you know, like, on a pole.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but he didn't have dreadlocks.
- Beavis: Um...umm, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. He had tattoos, though. That's what I was thinking.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, they've had dudes with dreadlocks strapped to a chair on a pole...
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: ...but they didn't have a tattoo.
- Beavis: M hm.
- Butt-head: And it's like, they had dudes with tattoos tied to a chair...
- Beavis: Yep.
- Butt-head: ...but like, they weren't on a pole...
- Beavis: Yep.
- Butt-head: ...and they didn't have dreadlocks.
- Beavis: Yeah, I remember that. Yep.
- Butt-head: So this is, like, you know, all original and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's right. That's right. M hm. [chuckling] Pole.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Pole.
- Beavis: I think I saw Lenny Kravitz tied to a cross once, too.
- Butt-head: No, Beavis, that was Jesus!
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah, yeah. You're right.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
S
[edit]- Sagat: Funk dat!
- Beavis: Whoa! Did you hear that? He said, "Funk dat." Funk dat! Yeah, that's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Funk dat!
- Sagat: Question...
- Butt-head: Queshtun.
- Beavis: Yeah. Queshtun!
- Butt-head: That's pretty good, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah. Thanks.
- [a little boy stomps on Sagat's foot]
- Beavis: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! STEP ON HIM! Kick him in the nads! KICK HIM!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Funk dat!
- Beavis: Funk dat, funk dat!
- Sagat: Question!
- Beavis: [parroting Sagat] Queshtun!
- Sagat: Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
- Beavis: Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
- Sagat: ...I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Question. Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener 15 times a day for three months?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Funk dat!
- Beavis: Question. Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it? Funk dat!
- Butt-head: They should get this guy on that 16 Minutes show instead of that old Mickey Rooney dude they got. He sucks!
- Beavis: Yeah. Check this out, Butt-head. [imitating Andy Rooney] You know what I don't understand? Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes? Yeah. Funk dat!
- Butt-head: You sound just like that buttmunch!
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah. Check this out, too. [imitating Andy Rooney again] How come they call it "taking a dump" and not "leaving a dump"? I mean, after all, you're not really taking it anywhere! Yeah. Funk dat!
Salt-N-Pepa, "Push It"
[edit]- Butt-head: I like chicks with leather jackets.
- Beavis: Yeah! Me too!
- Salt-N-Pepa: Push it!
- Butt-head: Push what?
- Beavis: Push it! Push it! Push it!
- Butt-head: What are they talking about, Beavis?
- Salt-N-Pepa: Push it good!
- Beavis: Push what?
- Butt-head: Push that little button on the remote.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
Jacob Sartorius, "Chapstick"
[edit]- Butt-head: [chortling] ...white people.
- Beavis: This is like a boy band, but with just one person.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And he actually is a boy.
- Beavis: Yeah, he looks like he's 11. Yeah, check this out, Butt-head. Yeah, I mean this is kid, he's young you know, when he says, "Hey you wanna come back to my crib?" He means an actual crib! You know what I'm saying? He's young, so...
- Butt-head: You're in rare form today, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah, I don't wanna say he's young, but you know, this chick thinks he's got wood, but it's just his diaper's full. He's young, this kid! Hey-ooo!
- Butt-head: Uhh... isn't it like illegal for a girl her age to be with a kid his age?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really.
- Butt-head: He's a victim. [cackles]
- Jacob Sartorius: ... nothing between us, but chapstick...
- Beavis: "Nothing between us, but chapstick?" What's that even mean?
- Butt-head: Well I'll tell you one thing that's not between him... pubic hair.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, that's kinda mean.
- Butt-head: Uh, I don't care! He's rich, and he gets to score when he's 11? He'll be just fine.
Sausage, "Riddles Are Abound Tonight"
[edit]- [music starts, then suddenly stops]
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: Uh...
- Beavis: What the hell was that?
- Butt-head: Hmm. What the hell is this?
- Beavis: Ummmm, I think this is Primus.
- Butt-head: Uh, no. This is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.
- Beavis: Really?
- Butt-head: These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts and, like, go exploring.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: [notices the lights on the band members' heads] Hey, Butt-head. What are those lights for?
- Butt-head: That's so, like, they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
- Beavis: No way. You mean it's dark in your butt?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You know when they say, "Stick it where the sun don't shine"?
- Beavis: Mm hmm.
- Butt-head: They're talking about your butt.
- Beavis: Ohhhh! I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something. But like, um, if it's dark inside your butt, then like, how do the turds find their way out?
- Butt-head: Uhh...I think they can, like, see in the dark, like bats.
- Beavis: Ohhh! Yeah, th - that makes a lot of sense. Yeah.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. We should go see these guys in concert.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids!
- Beavis: The Seminefrious Tulabloidial Buttnoids have left your pants.
- Butt-head: Whoa! This is stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah. And it sucks, too.
- Butt-head: Look at these special effects.
- Beavis: These special effects suck.
- Butt-head: Do you have to spit when you talk, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah. I always try to hock a loogie when I talk.
- Butt-head: You just spit in my eye, assmunch.
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah.
- Butt-head: [about singer Patty Smyth] Is this Pat Nebatar?
- Beavis: Yeah. She's that chick that had sexual intercourse with Dan Henley.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Patty Smyth: Goodbye to you.
- Butt-head: Goodbye to glue.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Patty Smith: Goodbye to you...
- Beavis: [high-pitched voice] GOODBYE TO POO-OOOO!
- Butt-head: Goodbye to poo!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
- Scatman John: Ska-badabadabadoo-belidabbely...
- Beavis: [freaking out] AAH!! AAAHH!! [convulses and spouts gibberish until Butt-head hits him] OW!! AAHHH!! Whoa. What is this?
- Butt-head: It's the Scatman.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. They should have a name for this kind of music.
- Butt-head: There already is a name for this music, Beavis. It's called crap.
- Beavis: They oughta have, you know, a crap section in the record store.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It should be out in the dumpster.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. There's cool stuff in the dumpster. You wouldn't wanna mess it up with this crap.
- Beavis: This is like that music they play in those clothes stores in the mall, where they have a bunch of TV screens.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. And it's all loud, and then the salespeople come up and say "Hi, would you like a tie today?"
- Beavis: Those places are stupid.
- Beavis: Oh boy, this sure is horrible. [snickers]
- Butt-head: The United Colors of Bentaton...
- Scatman John: Be-bop-ba-badda-boop...
- Beavis: You know, it kinda sounded like he said "Poop".
- Butt-head: Well, this is the Scatman, and scat is like, another word for poop.
- Beavis: How'd you know that?
- Butt-head: I learned that when I did my report on feces.
- Beavis: Whoa! Is this Michael Jackson?
- Butt-head: Yeah, that's where he sleeps.
- Beavis: Nah, he told Oprah he doesn't really sleep in a hyperbolic chamber. And he has a skin disease.
- Butt-head: You watch Oprah?! [laughs] What a wuss!
- Beavis: Shut up, bunghole! I just watched it that once because I thought they'd show his hair on fire.
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah. Right, Beavis. What a wuss.
- Butt-head: Let's try to find a video that doesn't suck.
- [video opens with no music]
- Butt-head: Uh, what happened to the sound?
- Beavis: Yeah. Ummm...
- Butt-head: These guys seem pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. It's like, they kinda remind me of myself.
- Butt-head: Yeah, right! You remind me of, like, Urkel.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'm cool!
- [a photo of a bicycle is shown]
- Beavis: Hey, hey, THAT'S MY BIKE! Remember, my bike was stolen last week, that's it!
- Butt-head: Uh...that's not your bike, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah it is! That's my bike. That dude ripped off my bike!
- Butt-head: Uh...did you lock it?
- Beavis: Uhh...um, uh, maybe not. These fartknockers ripped off my bike!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, that's not your bike!
- Beavis: That's my bike, Butt-head, how do you know?!
- Butt-head: Because, Beavis, I stole your bike. It was cool.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! You didn't steal my bike, you just got a new one last week. It looks just like mine.
- Butt-head: Uh...okay, Beavis. You're stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah. You know what else, someone else stole five bucks from me last week.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, since you don't have that bike anymore, can I like, have your lock?
- Beavis: Um, I guess.
- Butt-head: Uh, I'll give you five bucks for it.
- Beavis: Um, okay.
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
Brian Setzer, "Rebelene"
[edit]- [video is set at a gas station]
- Beavis: Um, what's wrong with this dude's hair?
- Butt-head: Look who's talking, Beavis!
- Beavis: What are you talking about, there's nothing wrong with my hair. My hair's cool.
- Butt-head: Besides, that's not his hair, Beavis. He's like, wearing some kind of Davy Crockett hat or something.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, that's his hair!
- Butt-head: No it's not, Beavis! It's, like, a squirrel or something.
- Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, they got Crocodile Dundee in the band!
- Butt-head: Uh, it's pronounced "Dundee," Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I didn't know he played.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He jams with Midnight Oil sometimes.
- Beavis: Oh, really? He sounds better with these guys. I'm glad to see he hooked up with a good band. Yeah.
- Butt-head: This dude's, like, getting on my nerves. It's like, quit wiggling around and get me some gas!
- Beavis: Yeah, really! And check the oil, dammit!
- Butt-head: Yeah! And wash my windows, buttknocker!
- Beavis: Don't call him that, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Why not, buttknocker?
- Beavis: Dammit, Butt-head, don't call me that, I told you that before! And don't call him that, either.
- [Brian Setzer plays his guitar in masturbatory fashion]
- Beavis: Whoa, look, he's choking his chicken!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Brian!
- Beavis: Yeah. That was pretty cool. Hey, Butt-head. I might get a guitar. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah! Then in the morning, you could like, just say, "Uh, I'm practicing."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "I'm wack-tising." Yeah.
Shaggy, "Boombastic"
[edit]- Shaggy: Mr. Boombastic!
- Beavis: Yeah! [imitating Shaggy] Yeah, Bombastic! Here it is!
- Butt-head: [also imitating Shaggy's accent] Mr. Romantic, Mr. Bombastic.
- Beavis: [jabbers in a fake Jamaican accent, the only comprehensible words are "romantic" and "bombastic"]
- Beavis: Bombastic! Yeah. [imitating Shaggy] BOMB-BAS-TIC! De bombastic.
- Beavis: What does "bombastic" mean, anyway?
- Butt-head: Well, it's like, bombastic is even better than fantastic. It's like, if you were scoring with a chick, you'd be saying "Uhh, this is bombastic".
- Beavis: Really? I was thinking, if I was gonna score, I'd be going "Yeah, hoowah, spatang, spatang, yeah, tap dat ass!", you know, stuff like that.
- Butt-head: Really? I ever score I'm gonna be going [imitating Shaggy] "This is fantastic, Mr. bombastic."
- Beavis: Smooth.
- Beavis: What is this accent he's talking in?
- Butt-head: Dumbass, it's foreign!
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- [Beavis humps the couch whilst Butt-head looks at him in shock]
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, cut that out!
- Beavis: [imitating Shaggy] Bombastic, Mr. Fantastic…
- The Shamen: A great philosopher once wrote, "Naughty, naughty, very naughty."
- Beavis: [imitating] Naughty! Naughty! Very naughty, naughty! Naughty, naughty! Naughty!
- Butt-head: These guys are from that country where everything sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah. And they all talk like wussies. Naughty! Very naughty!
- Butt-head: People from that country are stupid. [mock-British accent] I do say, old chap, time to choke my chicken!
- Beavis: Yeah. Bloody well right!
Shonen Knife, "Tomato Head"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uhh...oh no!
- Beavis: Yeah, um, this isn't very good, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Thank you, Beavis, like I couldn't have figured that out myself.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. Anytime.
- Butt-head: Boy. This really isn't very good!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Uh, I know that, Butt-head. Tell me something I don't know. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. You know the last time you went to the bathroom?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: I hocked a loogie in your Coke, and you drank it!
- Beavis: Um...uh...
- Butt-head: It was cool!
- Beavis: I knew that! I spit it out.
- Butt-head: No, you didn't. You drank it!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I took a dump on a cracker you were eating one time.
- Butt-head: Yeah, I remember that. But I didn't eat it.
- Beavis: Yeah, but it was cool! You ate the cracker.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I took the turd off and finished the cracker. So what?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: By the way, this video really sucks, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Tell me something I d-- uh, I mean, yeah. This sucks! Yeah! [changes channel]
Shudder to Think, "Hit Liquor"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is horrible!
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Bunch of rich kid sissy boys prancing around on a boat.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, it's Don Henley! I didn't know he was a wuss!
- Butt-head: You didn't? Where have you been, Beavis? He's a total wuss!
- Beavis: Um, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Any time you see a dude on TV and he's, like, trying to save some forest or something, it means he's a total wussy.
- Beavis: Um...uh, really?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Let me see, um...Sting, yeah, he's a wuss.
- Butt-head: M hm.
- Beavis: Let's see, um, who else, umm...Ted Danson? Yeah, he's a wussy.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And don't forget Jackson Browne.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: AAH! Look at that, he's like, fiddling around with a dead guy's boobs!
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: This is scary, Butt-head! What if after I die, like, some guy comes around and fiddles around with my wiener?
- Butt-head: So what, Beavis? You'd be dead, it doesn't matter.
- Beavis: Um, yeah, I guess so. I guess if, like, if I was out in the ocean with a dead chick, I'd probably kiss her.
- Butt-head: I'd kiss a dead chick right here.
- Beavis: Um, yeah. So would I, yeah. Um, but that's kinda messed up, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Uhh, I know, I was just kidding, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: You were probably serious!
- Beavis: Well, no. Not really.
Sick of It All, "Step Down"
[edit]- Butt-head: This dude should get a better apartment.
- Beavis: It's like, at least we may not be millionaires, but at least we have decent places to live.
- Butt-head: No we don't.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. Well, at least we're pretty happy.
- Butt-head: No we're not.
- Beavis: Well, at least we have lots of friends.
- Butt-head: Not really.
- Beavis: Are we healthy?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Our lives suck!
- Butt-head: Yeah. We're cool.
- Beavis: These dances are pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but they're too easy. Check this out. [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head makes pelvic thrusts while Beavis punches and kicks in the air. Caption reads "The Dillhole"]
- Beavis: That's cool. Remember this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head shakes his butt while Beavis jumps up and down with a gyrating motion. Caption reads "The Bunghole"]
- Butt-head: Or how about this one? [the camera cuts back to them. Butt-head jumps back and forth across the room while Beavis sways his arms. Caption reads "The Fartknocker Double Inverted Nad Twist"]
- Beavis: Next time we go to a dance, I'm gonna pull down my pants and ask a chick to do the Gorilla.
- Butt-head: Beavis, the only dance you know is the Monkey.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I'm gonna do the Monkey right now.
Silverchair, "Tomorrow"
[edit]- Beavis: [sings] More than a feeling…
- Butt-head: I woke up this morning, the sun was gone…
- Beavis: CLOSED MY EYES AND IT SLIPPED AWAY!!!
- Butt-head: That song's stupid.
- Beavis: Hey, get a haircut, hippie!
- Butt-head: This isn't the sixties, dillhole!
- Beavis: My uncle didn't go to Vietnam just so you could walk around with long, hippy-boy hair with your shirt off, heh, damnit.
- Butt-head: Uh, your uncle never went to Vietnam, Beavis. He was in jail.
- Beavis: I know, I know, that's what I said. My Uncle didn't go to Vietnam so you could have long hair, see? That's what I meant.
- Butt-head: You're a stupid, dumb bunghole, Beavis.
- Beavis: I am not. Shut up, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: I think this is supposed to be, like, freaking us out, but I'm un-freaked. In fact, this video is making me feel totally normal.
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, this is, you know, just a normal video like you always see, really.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like, you know, if you turned on the TV and this was on, I'd go, like, "Yep. That's what I thought I was gonna see."
- Beavis: Hey, it's that guy from Dragnet!
- Butt-head: Yeah. I carry a badge. My name's Friday.
- Beavis: [Bono appears on screen] Yeah. My name's Boner.
- Butt-head: My name's Boner's dad.
- Beavis: [on Frank Sinatra] Whoa! Who's that old guy?
- Butt-head: I think that's like, some dude from The Eagles or something.
- Beavis: Or like, one of those Rolling Stones guys?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I think that's Keith Richards.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. He's cool.
- Beavis: Hey, hey! Did you hear that? They're like, screwing up. They're not together.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Boner's dad needs to have a talk with him.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: He needs to say "Dammit Boner, learn to sing before I kick your ass."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He needs to say "Get in your room and practice, dammit!"
- Butt-head: You'd make a good father, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
- Butt-head: Is this like, classic rock?
- Beavis: Uh… I don't know.
- Frank Sinatra: I've got you under my skin…
- Butt-head: He said "skin."
- Beavis: [Laughs] "Skin."
- See also: Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Monsta Mack", The Beavis and Butt-head Experience (Geffen Records, 3 November 1993), tr. 9.
- [television monitors are shown in the background throughout most of the video]
- Beavis: Is this, like, Jeopardy?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Uh, I'll take "Stuff That Sucks" for 500, Alex.
- Beavis: Yeah. What is John Cougar Mellencamp?
- Butt-head: You're supposed to form your question in the phrase of an answer.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: You are now discolorfied.
- [footage of televangelist Jimmy Swaggart is shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! It's that dude who likes all those prostitutes!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Check this out, Beavis. [imitating Jimmy Swaggart] "I have sinned against you!" That was cool!
- Butt-head: Is this CNN?
- Beavis: Yeah. How come they never show reruns on the news?
- Butt-head: They do! That's why it sucks! Every time you see something, it's already happened.
- Beavis: Yeah. That would be cool if, like, there was an explosion, and they would tell you where it's gonna happen so you could go check it out.
- Butt-head: Yeah! That would be great!
Six Finger Satellite, "Parlour Games"
[edit]- Beavis: Ah boy. I think this video has a message.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The message is leave. Don't watch it.
- Beavis: This video is, um, it's like it's causing me to influence my behaviour. I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go into the kitchen and break something. [leaves the room] It's all this damn video's fault! [sounds of banging metal can be heard]
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: [more intense crashes and bangs can be heard] Eh! Ugh! Son of a bitch!
- Butt-head: Go for it, Beavis!
- Beavis: This is cool!
- Butt-head: The video still sucks!
- Beavis: [more crashes and bangs can be heard] This is cool, Butt-head! [the crashing and banging becomes really intense] Ugh! Son of a bitch! AAAHH!!
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis? Beavis? Settle down.
- Beavis: [going really crazy with the crashing and banging] YAAAHHH!!! YOU MUST DIE!!!
- Butt-head: Uhh, don't break the popcorn, Beavis.
- Beavis: AAAAAHHHYYAAAAAHHH!!! [breaks something] OW!! OW!
- Butt-head: Uhh, Beavis?
- Beavis: Dammit! I cut my leg! [re-enters] I cut myself. Where are the band-aids?
- Butt-head: Uhh, they're in the bathroom.
- Beavis: [leaves] Aah, I'm bleeding! Ow!
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, but I'm bleeding. And it's all this video's fault. [crashes can be heard]
- Butt-head: Skateboards are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Like, I was skateboarding down a hill once, and I like, hit this rock, and it stopped my skateboard, only I kept going, so I landed on my stomach, and I kept, like, sliding, like, for a hundred feet, and I scraped up my entire body--
- Butt-head: What are you talking about, Beavis? You've never skateboarded in your life!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Sorry about that. But - but like, anyways, s - so like, when I stood up, I had all this blood all over me, and like, these kids were watching, and like, that's when I knew skateboarding was cool.
- Butt-head: You liar!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Lying is cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [footage of a guy landing on his skateboard with his crotch is shown]
- Butt-head: Ugh!
- Beavis: YES! YES!
- Butt-head: You know, like, this band sucks. But it's like, they suck, like, in new ways, you know?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Like, they suck in ways we haven't, like, seen stuff suck before. So it's, like, pretty cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like, a lot of bands suck, but then like, these guys, like, suck, like, in their own way.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: So it's like, it's like, pretty cool because, like, stuff sucks, but it's like, it sucks, like, in a different way.
- Butt-head: Yeah. But like, what I was trying to say, is like, they suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: Ah, boy. Look at that, he's trying to be Forrest Gump.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Life is like a little box of chocolates. That would be cool to like, try to pick up a chick by giving her a box of chocolates, because then, like if you strike out, you can at least eat the chocolate.
- Beavis: That’s not a bad idea. I think I’m gonna go get me some Enamems and spank my monkey.
- Butt-head: Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh…you know.
- Beavis: Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said "I don’t care how big your turds are."
- Butt-head: [laughs] You dumbass.
- Beavis: No, I’m serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going "I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?"
- Butt-head: Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! And it didn’t work. I said, you know, "They call me Mr. Poop a lot."
- Butt-head: Beavis, you’re making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!
- Beavis: But um…oh. Oh, I see!
- Beavis: Uh...come on, Butt-head, change it, I think this is that music factory thing again.
- Butt-head: Uhh...no it's not. I think it rocks later.
- Beavis: Whoa! Is this White Zombie?
- Butt-head: Uhh...might as well be.
- Beavis: What-- Marcus Welby, what...
- [a man is shown with a suit and sunglasses]
- Butt-head: Every time you see a dude like this in a video with a suit on and sunglasses, it means he bad.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I think that's that guy from that commercial for the Institute of Entertainment Arts. Check this out. "Behind every rock band is an elite group of professionals that make the show happen!"
- Butt-head: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Um, I was thinking of signing up for that, you know. I bet I could score.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you could own the whole arena, and you wouldn't score.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. I bet I could score if I had one of those cellular phones. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uhh, maybe. But you're never gonna get one of those.
- Beavis: Um, well, I can get a fake one. I'd be like, "Okay, we'll have the band over there, we'll be right over, okay." Yeah.
- [Butt-head changes the channel]
- Woman: Call 911 now! [man gets thrown back telikinetically]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, that child molester just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?
- Beavis: Oh, he's a child molester, believe me. Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.
- Butt-head: …
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that's supposed to be her dad. He's like, "Never shoulda sent that kid to Hogwarts."
- Woman: Call 911 now!
- Butt-head: Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but how come he doesn't just call 911 himself?
- Beavis: Yeah, who's he telling to call 911? Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?
- Butt-head: Yeah, he'd be like, "Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see 'Smurfs' again, and then she started warping space and time.
Slash's Snakepit, "Beggars & Hangers-On"
[edit]- Beavis: Um...whoa! Cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is bad!
- Butt-head: Uh...what happened to Axl?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, really. These guys were probably, like, "Okay, Axl. I'm gonna give you one more chance, but if you wear another skirt on stage, you're out of the band."
- Butt-head: Yeah! And then this guy came along, and he was, like, "Well, okay, I won't wear a skirt, but uh, can I like, at least wear tights?"
- Beavis: Yeah. And they were, like, "Hmm, tights. Well, okay, yeah yeah, go - go ahead and wear tights. Just don't wear any high heels or anything."
- Beavis: Um...who is this guy? This guy looks familiar.
- Butt-head: Uh, he kinda looks like that little four-year-old down the street.
- Beavis: Yeah, that little kid who's always going, like, "It's my football! Give it back! I'm gonna go back to my house!"
- Butt-head: Yeah! Remember that time he shoved his Power Rangers up your butt?
- Beavis: Really? Cool.
- Butt-head: Uh, I heard that kid might have the same dad as you.
- Beavis: No way, really? Cool. Yeah.
- Butt-head: You know who else this guy looks like? He looks like that dude that's always stomping us on the way to school and making us give him money.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. He's like, "You got some money? All the money I find on you is mine!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember that day he stomped your ass 'cause you only had a dime?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- [a clip of a man in a phone booth is shown]
- Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. "You could be saving money on long distance calls to family and friends."
- Butt-head: Yeah. "They keep talking about big savings, but I just don't see it."
- Butt-head: Oh, no.
- Beavis: Ohhh, boy.
- Butt-head: How did this ever happen?
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: This is like…just a bunch of bungholes.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because...[sees Shannen Doherty] WHOA! That's that Brenda bitch from Beverly Hills [becomes hyperactive] 902356781234567898265-- [Butt-head slaps him] Uh, 210.
- Butt-head: Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say "Beverly Hills" and forget about the numbers, okay?
- Beavis: Oh. Oh, okay.
- Butt-head: So like, why the hell is she hanging out with these wussies?
- Beavis: Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch, that you'd, like, be into, like, something more hardcore.
- Butt-head: Uhh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, it's like, you listen to crap like this.
- Beavis: Yeah, maybe that's like, it's like, she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off, 'cause she's a bitch!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Butt-head: Bitches are cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. Bitches rule! [they change the channel]
"Seasons In the Abyss"
[edit]- Butt-head: Where the hell is this?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?
- Beavis: What are those guys on the horses?
- Butt-head: They're like the Desert cops. They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.
- Beavis: Yeah they were playing too loud.
- Butt-head: Not loud enough, dude.
- Beavis: Yeah. MOUW MOUW MOUW ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, look its those things. Those big triangulids.
- Beavis: What? I dunno.
- Butt-head: Remember like, in that movie, that Moses dude built them?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It was like, in the 50's.
- Beavis: Yeah, and then he went and wrote the Ten Condiments.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Thou shalt not suck.
"Serenity In Murder"
[edit]- Beavis: Haven't we seen this video before?
- Butt-head: Uh…I don't know. It's hard to tell.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.
- Butt-head: This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
- Beavis: Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.
- Butt-head: Whoa, that sucks! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say "OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs."
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule!
- Beavis: See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. That's like that movie we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.
- Beavis: See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, "No way!"
- Butt-head: Yeah. Like, remember that movie, The Right Stuff?
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: That was stupid. That's never gonna happen.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, Alive?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.
- Beavis: Yeah, like a plane would really crash like that.
- Butt-head: This guy looks like a mass murderer.
- Beavis: Yeah. He looks kinda like you.
- Butt-head: This guy's supposed to be better than The Beatles and Elvis.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's not as cool as Metallica, though.
- Butt-head: Why does he keep looking up?
- Butt-head: This dude sounds like he was neutered!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This is Satanic country music.
- Beavis: Yeah. I feel like killing myself.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!
- Butt-head: Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!
- Billy Corgan: Today is the greatest day I've ever known…
- Butt-head: He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.
- Beavis: That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and…and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies…
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: And the Froggies.
- Butt-head: These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.
- Beavis: Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.
- Beavis: Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.
- Butt-head: These guys should like, get together with the Spin Doctors, and like, paint stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, and throw paint around. Seems like every time a bunch of guys get together and throw paint around, there's always some chicks there.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I wonder why.
- Beavis: Woah, check it out. I can't believe she's talking to Snoop that way.
- Butt-head: Yeah. If that wasn't his mom, he'd be putting the smackdown.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Beavis: Doggy-dog is in the motherf-ing houuuse.
- Beavis: Woah, check it out. He's got a phone on the toilet!
- Butt-head: We got to get one of those.
- Beavis: Woah, he just touched her boobs!
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's a Doggy-Dog World!
- Beavis: [to the music] May, I, kick a little something for the G's, yey-ah. [speaking] Ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm a G, I'm a straight G.
- Butt-head: Yeah, you're a G for gonad.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Watch yo back, homie.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did you know I'm from Compton?
- Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, I'm serious. I was kicking it on the street. It was hard times. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're a white wussy from right here.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Yeah, me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you used to go to the flea market with your mom.
- Beavis: No way Butt-head, see, I wear this shirt because these are my colors.
- Butt-head: Beavis…
- Beavis: Yep, I'm a straight G.
- Butt-head: …shut up.
- Beavis: Goin to the Compton swap meet with Snoop. Sometimes I used to kick it with Dre.
- Butt-head: Beavis, shut up. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money and you're never gonna score.
- Beavis: [mumbling] Um, heh, oh yeah.
Jill Sobule, "I Kissed a Girl"
[edit]- Beavis: These houses look fake, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Of course they do. That's, like, the whole point of college music, to like, make the suburbs look bad.
- Jill Sobule: …such a hairy behemoth, she said…
- Beavis: Hey, did you hear that, Butt-head? She said "Harry Behemoth".
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: What does that mean?
- Butt-head: You don't know?
- Beavis: I think it, maybe, um…it had something to do with stools. Poop!
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, shut up! There are these two chicks that kiss in this video, and I don't want you talking about stools!
- Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
- Beavis: WAAAHHH!!!! Butt-head, SHE SAID SHE JUST KISSED A GIRL!!!
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, I know! That's what I was trying to tell you when you were talking about stools.
- Beavis: Wow, I'll be damned. Look at that, OHH!! Maybe they'll show it! This is gonna be cool!
- Butt-head: [seeing Fabio] Whoa! It's Harry Behemoth!
- Beavis: Boy, this is turning out to be pretty good.
- Butt-head: You know, when I see two girls kissing, it kinda gives me a special feeling.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too. Kinda makes me wanna…make a stool. Poop!
- Butt-head: Damn it Beavis, you are messed up!
- Jill Sobule: I kissed a girl.
- Beavis: Whoa, she said it again! She said she kissed a girl again! Did you hear that?
- Butt-head: You have to do a lot more than that if you wanna be a thespian.
- Beavis: I like this part in here after she says she kissed a girl, where it goes "Nyayayayayayayaya!"
- Butt-head: If there were two chicks right here, making out, you'd probably just go "WAAAHHHUHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHH!!!!", and talk about stools and stuff.
- Beavis: Yep. Sit back, watch a couple chicks make out and talk about stools.
- Kim Gordon: 10, 20, 30, 40…
- Beavis: How come she's counting? Counting sucks!
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe she's counting how many times she's done it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Counting rules.
- Beavis: Is this Romper Room?
- Butt-head: Uh, I wouldn't know, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, me neither, I don't know. I don't know whether this is Romper Room or not.
- [commenting on Kathleen Hanna's appearance in the video]
- Butt-head: Who's that five-year-old girl who keeps bouncing around?
- Beavis: Yeah, really. She sure can't dance. Like, what's the snif-gig-ligance of that girl being there?
- Butt-head: The what?
- Beavis: You know, the sih…um, I forgot.
- [Kathleen Hanna rubs her butt against Thurston Moore's crotch]
- Beavis: HEY!! GET AWAY FROM HIS WIENER!! GET AWAY!!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis. What are you, like, the wiener police or something?
- Beavis: Well, how would you like it if some chick tried to touch your wiener? [Butt-head does a double take and laughs] Um, wait a minute.
- Butt-head: What???
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Shut up!
- Butt-head: You dumbass!
- Beavis: You just weren't listening. I said, like, you know, like, how would you like it if some girl was touching your wiener? That'd be pretty cool. That's what I meant, dumbass!
- Butt-head: Yeah, right.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I just wasn't concentrating, that's all.
"Dirty Boots"
[edit]- [a ticket collector is standing under a sign that says "2.00"]
- Butt-head: Only two dollars to see Sonic Youth?
- Beavis: That's a good deal.
- Butt-head: [addressing a woman in the video] Hey, how's it goin'? What high school do you go to?
- Beavis: I go to the same high school you go to, what are you talking about, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: I was talking to the chick, Beavis! Dumbass!
- Beavis: Well, you should have said "Hey, baby" then. Like this, hey baby! How's it going?
- [the central male and female in the video are divided by a mosh pit]
- Butt-head: Go for it, dude, she wants you!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it! She wants you, c'mon! Slam into her! Slam into her, c'mon! Go for it! C'mon, grab her!
- Butt-head: Yeah, yeah, go for it!
- Beavis: Grab her!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: C'mon! Go for it!
- Butt-head: See, now that dude knows how to do it.
- Beavis:
- Thurston Moore: And tell the story of the jelly rollin'…
- Butt-head: Tell the story of the choad?
- Beavis: This is the story of a lonely little choad. He never scored. And that's the end.
- Butt-head: I think that's like, uh, your story, Beavis.
- Beavis: It's your story too, butthole!
- Butt-head: You sit too close to me, Beavis. Could you like, move a little further down the couch?
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! You move! I'm all comfortable.
- [the protagonists of the video have gotten onstage and are kissing]
- Butt-head: If this was a real concert, some roadie'd be up there in like two seconds, kicking their asses off the stage.
- Beavis: Yeah, he'd just like, throw 'em out into the crowd.
- Butt-head: That dude would probably break a bunch of bones and stuff, but at least he got some.
- Butt-head: It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [an old man with a broad grin is slowly mowing his lawn]
- Beavis: Look at that guy's face!
- Butt-head: Yeah. I can make a face like that, check this out. [opens his mouth]
- Beavis: Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head. [a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face] AAHHHHH! AAH!
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: Th - that was scary, man.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That scared the bejesus out of me.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [a man feeds a goat milk out of a baby bottle]
- Beavis: Aaawwwwww!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Aaawwwwww.
- Chris Cornell: Black hole sun, won't you come...
- Beavis: Black hole sun. Black hole? Cool.
- Butt-head: Black hole?
- Beavis: Um...hey Butt-head, what is a black hole?
- Butt-head: Uh, it's sorta like a bunghole. But it's like--
- Beavis: [interrupting] Whoa, Butt-head, check it out! That's that chick from Whale! Remember? That hobo slumping hobo slut, uh...remember?
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis, I was explaining something!
- Beavis: Oh. Oh, okay.
- Butt-head: So, like...
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Butt-head: ...a black hole is, like, this giant bunghole in outer space.
- Beavis: Ohhhh yeah. Yeah.
- Butt-head: And it's like, it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like, it grinds it up and like, sends it all to Hell or something.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? That’s cool. So like, um, how do you know all this stuff?
- Butt-head: From watching Star Trek, bunghole.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: YES! It's about time they play something cool!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Beavis: This guy kicks ass!
- Chris Cornell: I'm lookin' California...
- Butt-head: Whoa! Seattle kicks ass!
- Beavis: Yeah. Is everybody in Seattle cool?
- Butt-head: Yeah. If you go to Seattle, anybody you see is cool. We should go, dude.
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah.
- Butt-head: That's that dude from the Spin Doctors. He jams with Soundgarden sometimes.
"Rusty Cage"
[edit]- Beavis and Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Soundgarden kicks ass!
- Beavis: This is a ripoff. It's like, when I see a Soundgarden video, I wanna see Soundgarden, not just, like, pictures of Soundgarden.
- Butt-head: Uhh, the video is just a bunch of pictures, Beavis.
- Beavis: What do you mean, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Everything on TV is just, like, a bunch of pictures of something.
- Beavis: No it's not! It's like, sometimes they move.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's still, like, moving pictures.
- Beavis: No it's not, they're moving around! I mean, they're not moving around, but in other videos they're moving around.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you're gonna see a moving picture of my foot kicking your ass in about two seconds. Now just shut up and sit still.
- Chris Cornell (Ben Shepherd): All my friends are Indians (all my friends are brown and red)…
- Beavis: All his friends are brown and red? What's that supposed to mean?
- Butt-head: Uhh, it means they're, like, turds. He's telling his friends that they suck.
- Butt-head: No sir, I don't have any spare change. Get those damn spoons out of my face.
- Beavis: Get those spoons out of my face before I shove 'em up your butt! Get outta here!
Spın̈al Tap, "The Majesty of Rock"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! It's the President of England.
- Beavis: Yeah. She jams!
- Butt-head: Whoa! It's those guys from that movie.
- Butt-head: These guys are good!
- Beavis: Yeah. Tap rules.
- Butt-head: Uh...I think this is one of those cable access shows where you, like, call 'em up and they, like, do anything you want.
- Beavis: No way! Really? Let's call her up!
- Butt-head: Yeah! Let's tell her to, like, shut up and like, take all her clothes off and get over here right now.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She could fix us something to eat, yeah!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: That would rule!
- Butt-head: You can tell this is, like, the kind of chick that's, like, had her tubes tied.
- Beavis: Um...so like, um...how come you know this chick's had her tubes tied?
- Butt-head: Just look at her, Beavis!
- Beavis: Um...umm, oh, ohh yeah. Yeah. I think I'm gonna go tie my tube.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Butt-head: Boy, this music sucks.
- Beavis: Um...what music? Oh, oh yeah! So like, um, what is this "two of hearts" crap?
- Butt-head: You know, like, when you're playing poker.
- Beavis: Uh, oh yeah. Yeah. I'm familiar with that game, yeah.
- Butt-head: When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I have a straight! [changes channel]
- [a man jumps up and down]
- Beavis: Whoa, he's not even on a pogo stick, and he can do that, I'll be damned.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: [addressing a man dressed in a devil costume] Uhh...hey Satan, how's it going?
- Beavis: How come whenever you see, like, Satan in a video, it's just some dork in a costume?
- Butt-head: Yeah. The real Satan doesn't do videos.
- Beavis: Yeah. Unless it's, like, for Danzig or something.
- Butt-head: If they really had Satan on this song, it's like, you'd hear him talking backwards and stuff, 'cause like, he can do that.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. You know, I can talk backwards.
- Butt-head: No you can't!
- Beavis: Yes sir! Check this out. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo. Loohcs ni yats.
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Do it again, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um...okay. Okay. Check this out. Um, okay, here it goes. Um... [backwards speech] hguone si hguone. [normal speech] See? [backwards speech] Gniog ti s'woh yeh.
- Butt-head: That was cool! So like, what did you say just then?
- Beavis: Um, I said, I said, um, "Hey, how's it going?" Yeah, yeah. You should try it.
- Butt-head: Uh, let me see. Uhh...Beavis is a wuss.
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: Ah, I mean, uhh...wuss a is Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, see? See, anybody can do it. [backwards speech] Stnerap ruoy yebo dna loohcs ni yats. [normal speech] That was cool.
- Butt-head: How do you do that, Beavis?
- Beavis: Um, you just talk backwards.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, how?
- Beavis: Like this. Um...I am-- uh, uh, no wait, that wasn't right, um...this is-- uh, um...wait, dammit, I forgot! I can't do it anymore!
- Butt-head: You can't do it anymore.
- Beavis: Is this Pearl Jam?
- Butt-head: Yeah! Eddie Vedder dyed his hair red.
- Beavis: Wait a minute, this isn't Pearl Jam!
- Butt-head: Yeah! It's good to see you thinking, Beavis. That guy makes faces like Eddie Vedder.
- Beavis: No way. Eddie Vedder makes faces like this guy.
- Butt-head: They both make faces like that John Belushi dude.
- Beavis: Yeah. And he's dead.
- Butt-head: I heard these guys, like, came first, and then Pearl Jam ripped them off.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head! Pearl Jam came first!
- Butt-head: Uh, well, they both suck.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Pearl Jam doesn't suck, they're from Seattle.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah!
- [a rottweiler is seen in the video]
- Beavis: That bear is cool.
- Butt-head: It takes a lot more than bears to make a video cool, Beavis.
- Beavis: What if the bear was, like, taking a dump?
- Butt-head: Well, that might work.
- Butt-head: I wanna dye my hair orange.
- Beavis: Yeah. You'd look good, Butt-head. You should do it.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: AAH, I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT SOME DUDE'S BUTT! Come on Butt-head, change it.
- Butt-head: Come on, Beavis! This song kinda rocks! Besides, later, they show a dog's nads.
- Beavis: Oh. I'll stick around for that.
- Beavis: Dammit, I'm sick of seeing water in videos.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but this water's cool because it's like, over by the power plant.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Remember when we went swimming by the power plant, it's like, all warm and stuff? That was cool.
- Butt-head: No it wasn't! Your turds were all orange for a month, and you got those big blisters on your nads.
- Beavis: I know! That's what I'm saying. It was cool.
- Scott Weiland: Flies in the vasoline…
- Beavis: Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
- Butt-head: I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything.
- Beavis: No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah, I think that was it.
- Beavis: That was cool.
Stranglers, "Skin Deep"
[edit]- Butt-head: Why do people make videos?
- Beavis: And why do they have to play this music? Why? Why?
- Butt-head: It's like, some dude gets a guitar, and he sucks, then he gets together with other guys who suck.
- Beavis: Yeah. It really sucks. I'm gonna go outside.
- Butt-head: Really? How come?
- Beavis: My butt's asleep.
- Butt-head: Really? Cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'll be back later. [exits]
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis. Whoa. Hey Beavis…[turns around]…Uhhhh…oh yeah. [sings along] Better watch out for the skin deep. [yells] Hey Beavis, what are you doing? Uhhh….this sucks. [exits] Hey Beavis, wait up!
Stray Cats, "Rock This Town"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is that Billy Idol?
- Beavis: This is a story.
- Butt-head: Yeah! The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.
- Beavis: No way. Then he got in a motorcycle accident. And there was blood. The end.
- Butt-head: Whoa! It's that "Weird Al" dude!
- Brian Setzer: Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...
- Beavis: There's gonna be a fight?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's gonna be one of those girl fights.
- Beavis: Fight! Fight!
- Butt-head: Whoa! He's gonna get some 'cause he's "Weird Al."
- Beavis: Yeah. If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, "Give me some."
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh… [The two laugh dismissively]
- Beavis: What's this?
- [An old woman is sitting in a bar]
- Butt-head: Hey, look, Beavis! It's your mom.
- Beavis: Where? Where?
- Butt-head: Hanging out in bars again.
- Beavis: That's not my mom, Butt-head. That's Grandma.
- Beavis: What is this?
- Butt-head: Uh … is this cable access?
- Beavis: Yeah, I think it is. Cable access sucks!
- Butt-head: They should call it cable suckcess.
- Beavis Yeah, cable suckcess.
- Butt-head: Look at this dork.
- Beavis: Yeah. What a dumbass.
- Butt-head: Ooh, sexy. This band sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. Hey Butt-head, didn't these guys play at that wedding we went to?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when you kept asking them to play Pantera?
- Beavis: Yeah. That was cool.
- Butt-head: Remember when you waited in line to kiss the bride? And you tried to cop a feel?
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Her dad kicked your ass.
- Butt-head: This sounds like "Wipeout".
- Beavis: [half-laughing] I think this is…"Butt-Wipeout". [laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh]
- Butt-head: Check it out, they do this really cool dance coming up here.
- Beavis: Oh, really? Cool. Is that it?
- Butt-head: No, that's just hockey.
- Butt-head: I think they're singing about a car.
- Beavis: See, that's pretty cool. If I had a really cool car, I'd sing about it too. Like [begins "singing"] My car is really fast!/It kicks a lotta ass!/um…It runs on gas!/I drive it on the grass!/um…
- [Sugar Ray do a cheesy synchronized dance in the video]
- Butt-head: Uh, there it is, see? Isn't that cool?
- Beavis: What's cool about it?
- Butt-head: It's like, they're all doing it together. That's cool.
- Beavis: You think it's cool when dudes dance together, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uhhhh…damn it Beavis, just shut up!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head…Would you like to dance? Nananananana!
- [Butt-head smacks Beavis]
Sugartooth, "Sold My Fortune"
[edit]- Beavis: Check this out, Butt-head. It starts out pretty cool, then it starts rocking more and more. [Hums along with bass line] See?
- Butt-head: I get the point, Beavis, now will you shut up so I can hear it?
- Beavis: [singing along] Sold my fo-chun…Hey Butt-head, what's a fo-chun?
- Butt-head: I think it's one of those beds that folds into a couch.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, it's one of those things. So like, how come he sold it?
- Butt-head: 'Cause he probably got like a big bed so he didn't need it anymore.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Maybe he got tired of people crashing at his house and sleeping on it. So it's like, he sold it, and it's like, he wrote a cool song about it. Sold my fo-chun!
- Butt-head: Yeah. And then he had a bunch of fights happen in the video.
- Two people are fighting in the video
- Beavis: Yeah come on! You think you're bad, you wanna do something about it? Let's go!
- Butt-head: I don't there's anybody on TV you can kick ass on, except for maybe like Urkel.
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. Urkel's pretty big now. He's like 6'7" or something.
- Cyco Miko: Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to…
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Sometimes I try to do things, and it doesn't work out the ways I want it to, and…
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Cyco Miko: …it's like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out…
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, people always say "Hey Beavis. Beavis, we know you've been having a lot of problems".
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah, but it's just, I get all frustrated, and I start, like, kicking stuff and burning things, and…
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! I feel your pain.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too.
- Cyco Miko: …I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me…
- Butt-head: This dude's under a lot of stress.
- Beavis: [ranting] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, people say "Hey Beavis, maybe we can talk about it, you'll feel better". I say "Just leave me alone, and I'll figure it out by myself", and they keep saying "Beavis, Beavis", and like, I don't know what to do…
- Butt-head: Come on, shut up, Beavis! About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. This is cool.
Superchunk, "Package Thief"
[edit]- Butt-head: These guys aren't even playing their instruments.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Their fingers aren't even moving. What a bunch of fartknockers!
- Butt-head: You mean fakers, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. Is there a chick in this band?
- Butt-head: Uh, well, I think that bass player has boobs.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, th - that's what I mean.
- Butt-head: Well, there's boobs, but I can't tell if it's a chick.
- Beavis: Seems like all these bands now have, like, chick bass players.
- Butt-head: Uhh...wait a minute! That's not a chick. That's a puppet. These are all puppets!
- Beavis: Um...uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah. Hey Butt-head, I have a puppet. Check this out. [high-pitched voice] Hello everybody! We're gonna have fun today!
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis! Pull your pants up!
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Sorry.
- Butt-head: Is this, like, about the mail?
- Beavis: Yeah, I think so. Where does the mail go?
- Butt-head: I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.
- Beavis: Oh, really? Then where does it go?
- Butt-head: I think it, like, goes to the North Pole. And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.
- Beavis: Really? Thanks, Butt-head. You're interesting.
- Butt-head: Whoa! That looks like that dude from Planet of the Apes.
- Beavis: That movie kicked ass! Remember when they put those naked guys in a cage?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Those guys were wussies.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, really. I wouldn’t take that, if they did that to me, I’d be kickin’ monkey ass all over the place.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Monkeys.
- Beavis: You know, these guys sound pretty cool, you know, for having a monkey, you know, on guitar. I was thinking, maybe they should get a gorilla to play drums. ‘Cause, you know, you go to the zoo, and they’re always playing with themselves, so maybe they could play some drums, I dunno.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but Beavis, you play with yourself, and you can’t play drums.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head, I reckon I can play the drums. I could like, go, you know…parum, parum.
- Beavis: Then, I was thinking, also, you know, if you had a monkey on drums, just one more thing about that…if you had a monkey on drums, you know, you could spank him, that’s all I wanted to say. [Butt-head laughs]
The Supersuckers, "Creepy Jackalope Eye"
[edit]- Butt-head: Is this the Monkees?
- Beavis: They look like butt-monkeys. Is this that episode where they go to the dude ranch?
- Butt-head: Uhh, you're thinking of Happy Days, dumbass.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Heyy, sit on it. Sit on my butt.
- Butt-head: That reminds me of this joke. There's this dude and he like, meets this slut in a bar, and they're like, uhh, going back to her place. But then like, he, uhh, can't find his keys. But then he needs like a flashlight, and then he says, "Help me find my keys and we can drive outta here."
- Beavis: Um, heh. I don't get it.
- Butt-head: She was a slut.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! [they both chuckle]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, is that like, from that City Slickers movie?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Remember that one part where that guy like, sticks his hand up that cow's butt?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! And then like, he pulls out a dog, and it's all wet.
- Butt-head: Beavis, that wasn't a dog. That was like, uhh, a big rabbit.
Sweaty Nipples, "Demon Juice"
[edit]- [an empty beer bottle is shown with cigarette butts inside]
- Butt-head: Uh, are those butts in that bottle?
- Beavis: Ummm...
- Butt-head: Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That's cool.
- Butt-head: Uh...you know what, Beavis?
- Beavis: Um, no, what?
- Butt-head: I don't really feel like watching this right now.
- Beavis: Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.
- Butt-head: Yeah, I thought of that, too.
- Beavis: Uh huh.
- Butt-head: You know, if it's on.
- Beavis: I understand, yeah.
- Butt-head: But if it's not on...
- Beavis: M hm?
- Butt-head: ...who gives a rat's ass?
- Beavis: Yeah. [changes channel to the video "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John and RuPaul]
T
[edit]T'Baby, "It's So Cold in the D"
[edit]- Beavis: Um… is that guy dead, or is he just like, sleeping?
- Butt-head: I don't know, but either way it's cool.
- Butt-head: Uh… is this Real Housewives of Detroit?
- [Butt-head looks at Beavis in confusion]
- Butt-head: Uh… I think that chick in the back is dancing to a different song.
- T'Baby: I'm having visions of how we used to hang and bang…
- Beavis: Hanging and banging…
- T'Baby: How the fuck do you sposed to stack papers…
- Beavis: Stacking papers, you know…
- [The lyrics go off-tempo]
- Beavis: I'm lost.
- [Beavis and Butt-head are dancing]
- Butt-head: It's so cold in the D…
- Beavis: Bump bump bump bump…
- Butt-head: It's so cold in the D… uh, this is hard to dance to.
- [The two pause, then resume, their dancing]
- [The lyrics become increasingly off-tempo]
- Butt-head: Something's off.
- Butt-head: I think she was in Lion King.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! I like her better in this though.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This rules!
- [The two resume dancing]
- Butt-head: It's so cold in the D…
T'Pau, "Heart and Soul"
[edit]- Butt-head: Call now for live one-on-one conversations.
- Beavis: Yeah. Share your intimate thoughts!
- Butt-head: A dollar ninety-five per minute.
- Beavis: Must be 18 or older.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, if we had a dollar ninety-five, we could call and share our intimate thoughts.
- Beavis: We could tell her that she sucks.
- Butt-head: This chick's name is T'Pau.
- Beavis: Yeah. That's Spanish for "this sucks."
- Butt-head: The more things change, the more they suck.
- This is a play on the phrase, "The more things change, the more they stay the same," coined by French critic, journalist, and novelist Alphonse Karr.
- Butt-head: I don't like videos that suck.
Tank feat. Ty Dolla $ign & Trey Songz, "When We (Remix)"
[edit]- [the video begins at a mechanic's auto body shop with Tank, Ty, and Trey wearing clean mechanics uniform, and girls posing intimately around them]
- Butt-head: Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean.
- Beavis: Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.
- Butt-head: "Here at TT&T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women."
- Beavis: "That's the TT&T guarantee."
- Butt-head: "If we don't score with your women, your repair is free."
- Beavis: Yeah. "Our satisfaction is guaranteed."
Terence Trent D'Arby, "She Kissed Me"
[edit]- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Have you ever had a chick kiss you there?
- Beavis: Where?
- Butt-head: Uh...anywhere.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Oh, yeah? Liar?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- [the two are sleeping at the start of the video]
- Butt-head: Ughh!
- Beavis: What, what? I feel asleep there. Yeah. What is this?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, I think it's Jackyl.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss!
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: She's skanky!
- Beavis: Yeah. And she's ugly.
- Butt-head: She's what you call fugly.
- Beavis: Yeah. She's a fugly, skanky whore.
- Butt-head: That wasn't very nice, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh oh, sorry about that.
- Butt-head: This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as yours, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, fartcracker! I could kick this dude's ass!
- Butt-head: You mean fartknocker, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: And for the last time, you can't kick anybody's ass.
- Beavis: Um, yeah I can, I'm getting bigger. Like, I've been drinking milk and stuff.
- Butt-head: Yeah, right.
- Beavis: No really, Butt-head. I had some last week.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but then you spit it out.
- Beavis: Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some vitamins and stuff out of it.
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- [the band are shown as workers in a hot dog stand]
- Butt-head: I think this is that place where you get like, lemonade.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: And they have a bunch of horn dogs working there.
- Beavis: They have horn dogs?
- Butt-head: Yeah. You know, that's where they like, dip their wiener in the fryer.
- Beavis: It's like, every time I go to that damn place, like, I want to get a milkshake, they say "I'm sorry, the shake machine's broken", and I say [angry] "Dammit, it's always broken!"
- [one member proceeds to deep fry two battered hot dogs]
- Beavis: Hey, check this out, Butt-head. Fryer, fryer, FRYER!!!
- Butt-head: Beavis…
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Fryer!
- Beavis: Hey, that's not fair, that dude doesn't have to wear a hairnet!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe we should get a job at this place.
- Beavis: Yeah really, it's like, you don't have to like, pay attention to the customers, and you just sit around and goof off.
- Butt-head: We could put the hairnets on our nads.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. I mean, that's what I do anyways, but I also have to put one on my hair.
- Butt-head: You put a hairnet on your nads?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. You know, they're free.
- Beavis: [sings along] Hey old miner, how come you're drinking red wine at Shakey's…
- Butt-head: This is stupid.
- [Video shows sky-angle footage of New York City]
- Beavis: Um, this looks like the opening to that show, that late night…
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, "Top 10 tall places to take a crap off of."
- Beavis: That's kinda disgusting.
- [Matt Johnson walks among the edge of a tall building]
- Beavis: Whoa! You think he's really up there on that building like that?
- Butt-head: Uh…no. People don't do that anymore. It's like, they have computers and they just like, fake it.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Nobody has any balls anymore.
- Beavis: Whoa, you think he's gonna jump?
- Butt-head: Uh…no, and I don't care either.
- Butt-head: You know what would be really cool? Is like, if he took a leak from up there.
- Beavis: Yeah! He should take two dumps, one leak, cut the cheese, and then he should jump. That would rule! Yeah!
- Beavis: Butt-head, this reminds me of that movie I saw, that…Crocodile Dumbdee, and um…I was just gonna say, um, he's from…down under. You know, down under?
- Butt-head: Okay Beavis, I get it. Down under.
- Butt-head: You know, this is kind of like that movie with The Beatles in it, where they're playing on the roof.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. I saw that on the Discovery Channel. The Beatles suck!
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. How come everybody likes them so much?
- Beavis: I don't know.
- Butt-head: Maybe it's because they were handsome. You should try to get in The Beatles. I heard they had an opening.
- Beavis: "Opening." [Cackles]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. This song is about a boner.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. It's about a bad boner, isn't it?
- Butt-head: There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once. That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped. That sucked.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. I'm sorry. I stand corrected.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener. It's pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah! That's cool! Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
- Beavis: Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
- Butt-head: Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
- Butt-head: Yeah. We should ask it, "Does this video suck?"
- Beavis: Yeah. "Signs point to yes."
Tiësto and Karol G, "Don't Be Shy"
[edit]- [the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]
- Beavis: Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It is the perfect crime.
- [as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]
- Butt-head: It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump.
- [the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]
- Beavis: Whoa. What's his other hand doing?
- Butt-head: He's doing a different kind of fist pump down there.
- Beavis: Yeah, there's something else dancing down there about the same size.
- Butt-head: He's masturbating.
- [they both cackle]
- Beavis: Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either.
- Butt-head: Nothing wrong with that.
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. [a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping] Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
- Butt-head: Tiësto. [cackles]
- Beavis: Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point?
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
- Beavis: Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket.
- Butt-head: Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, "Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside." And then he's like, "Uh, no, you're gonna thank me."
- Beavis: "You're gonna be glad I did, believe me."
- Beavis: This is mall music.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She has to play in a mall because she sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?
- Beavis: Debbie Gibson would kick her butt! She'd kick her!
- Butt-head: She should join a gang, like Wilson Phillips.
- Beavis: Yeah. Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?
- Butt-head: Uhhhhh...you're the expert, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: One chick from L7 could kick all of their asses combined.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Beavis: [singing along] Make up your mind…
- Butt-head: I already made up my mind; this sucks.
- Beavis: Well, now, come on, give it a chance.
- Beavis: Whoa, is that a body?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah I think so.
- Beavis: You think they killed somebody just to make this video?
- Butt-head: They should have killed the people who made it.
- Beavis: I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.
- Butt-head: Uhh, well, you’re gonna find out someday.
- Beavis: [imitating Cornholio] Are you threatening me? I will never die.
- Butt-head: No, I’m serious, Beavis. It’s like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, really? What else?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.
- Beavis: Uhh, what else?
- Butt-head: Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.
- Beavis: AHHH, I’M GONNA DIE!!!
- Butt-head: Yeah. You’re old.
- Beavis: So, um, Butt-head, what would you do, like, if I died?
- Butt-head: I’d probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It’s more comfstrable.
- Tones: But your mama always said, "Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day..."
- Beavis: What's she saying? "Mama always said look up into the sky?"
- Butt-head: My mom never said anything like that.
- Beavis: Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like "Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!"
- Butt-head: [imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
- Beavis: [imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said "There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks."
Tool, "Prison Sex"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
- Butt-head: That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
- Beavis: Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are.
- Butt-head: No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom.
- Beavis: Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
- Beavis: Whoa! Check out that black dude.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'.
- Beavis: Get 'em.
- Beavis: Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
- Beavis: That's not a moth-er. That's a bee.
- Butt-head: Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee.
- Beavis: You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.
- Butt-head: Uhh…uhh…hey, it's that dude.
- Beavis: What dude?
- Butt-head: You know, that pilot dude. That one who was like, in a plane and he got shot down over Bogna-Hersnaslovignia. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.
- Beavis: He lived off BUGS???
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.
- Beavis: Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.
- Martina Topley-Bird: But a brother like me begun, to be another one…
- Butt-head: Uhh, she just called herself a brother.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.
- Beavis: Ohh. So I guess…oh yeah, she is black.
- Butt-head: I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.
- Beavis: Yeah. "Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!"
Tripping Daisy, "I Got A Girl"
[edit]- [the lead singer is in a body bag, and a mortician opens it]
- Butt-head: Zip him back up. He sucks.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.
- Butt-head: They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.
- Beavis: How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.
- Butt-head: Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?
- Beavis: I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?
- Butt-head: Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.
- Beavis: My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid!
- Beavis: So like, what are some other operations?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your tubes tied.
- Beavis: What does that mean?
- Butt-head: I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.
- Beavis: Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.
- Beavis: Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.
Jen Trynin, "Happier"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa check it out, they got some of that Keeyotepcate up there, up above that guy's hands.
- Butt-head: Uhhh…oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.
- Beavis: Y'know, um…that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.
- Butt-head: Uh, really?
- Beavis: It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.
- Butt-head: Beavis…
- Beavis: Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt.
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Beavis: It was pretty cool. It was like, really big…I can show it to you if you want.
- Butt-head: You still have it?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.
- Beavis: Why?
Tyler, the Creator, feat. Kali Uchis, "See You Again"
[edit]- Beavis: Is this Tyler, the Creator?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah.
- Beavis: I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
- Butt-head: If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
- Beavis: Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
- Butt-head: You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
- Beavis: I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?
- [shot of a lifeboat out at sea]
- Butt-head: If I was stranded on a lifeboat with that girl, I'd be like, "Hey baby. You ever do it on a boat with three dudes in raincoats, masturbating?"
- Beavis: "Yeah, make that four."
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, you're messing up my flow again.
- [shot of Tyler in front of a group of naval officers wearing red uniforms]
- Beavis: What country's army is this?
- Butt-head: I think it's like, Europe. Tyler, the Creator's gonna overthrow America.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know, because um, because he's got a lot of good ideas, and he's not like these other politicians, you know? He tells it like it is, you know? And he's concerned about my tax dollars, and he says all the things that everyone else afraid to say, you know?
- [Tyler is dancing atop the officer's heads]
- Butt-head: Whoa! He's stepping on the army's heads!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, exactly! All these politicians, they don't have the guts to step on people's heads. And all these fat cats in Washington, and these companies in bed with the corporations, and the councils of... representatives... he's in bed with chicks!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He'll drain the swamp.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, then he'll drain the main vein. [Tyler is in a ghost costume] See, he's just like us. He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know... [the costume turns into a swarm of bees] See, now he's turning into bees, you know? Just like us. Like a working man do.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, so you'd vote for this guy?
- Beavis: No no no, I'm not gonna vote, no no. That seems like a big hassle, you know? You know I always say, "Don't blame me, I didn't vote."
U
[edit]- [The word "MEN" appears on screen.]
- Beavis: Hey, check it out Butt-head, that's that word.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's that word they put on bathrooms.
- Beavis: Yeah. I must mean, like, "crap," or something.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Hey, that's that word again.
- [Bono appears on screen singing.]
- Butt-head: Crap is singing.
- [The Edge appears on screen dialing a phone.]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Crap is on the telephone.
- [Adam Clayton appears on screen playing bass guitar.]
- Butt-head: Yeah. This turd found a guitar.
- [Larry Mullen Jr. appears on screen playing drums.]
- Beavis: And this piece of crap is playing the drums. Yeah.
- [Beavis and Butt-head fell asleep, snoring. Beavis slumps over onto Butt-head. Butt-head wakes up and slaps Beavis awake.]
- Beavis: Ahhh! Ahhh!
- Butt-head: Dillweed.
- Beavis: He's got one of those attention headaches.
- Butt-head: Yeah. He's got an attention headaches this big.
- Beavis: Sometimes, like, when I get a headache, it's like, I hit myself in the head really hard, and, it's like, it just makes it hurt worse.
- Butt-head: You're pretty stupid, Beavis. Next time I have a headache, I'd like to try hitting you in the head.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be cool.
- Beavis [referring to the buffalo]: Whoa! That's a big dog. Heh-hmm.
- Butt-head: That's a buffalo, dumbass.
- Butt-head: Is this "art"?
- Beavis: This "means" something.
- Butt-head: Yeah, huh-huh-huh. It means something stupid.
- Butt-head: "Boner" is pretty cool sometimes.
- Beavis: That's because he has a cool name.
- Butt-head: I bet when he was little, his mom used to say, "Boner, come to dinner!"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! She'd say, "Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!"
- Butt-head: Then in the morning, she'd turn to Boner's dad, and say, "Is Boner up yet?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!"
- Butt-head: And then, like, when his dad went to P.T.A. meetings, the teachers would say, "Your son sure does sing well," and he'd say, "That's my Boner."
- Beavis: Yeah. Boner!!
- Butt-head: That's a cool name. You know who has a really stupid name, though? "The Edge."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! "The Edge." What is that?
- Butt-head: That's stupid.
"Numb"
[edit]- [video opens with water dripping from a faucet]
- Butt-head: A leak.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- [water is shown to be dripping on The Edge]
- Butt-head: [scoffs] The Edge.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Oh no, I think this is that video where this guy just sits there and, like, mumbles the whole time.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: I think it's called "Numb."
- Butt-head: It should be called "Dumb."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. [reacts to someone tying a rope around The Edge's eyes] Yeah, yeah, get his mouth! Yeah, tie it around his mouth!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Tie his jaw shut.
- [a man whispers something in The Edge's right ear]
- Butt-head: That guy's saying, [softly] "Uh, excuse me, Edge? This really sucks, maybe we shouldn't do this."
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- [Bono starts singing in The Edge's left ear]
- Butt-head: And then Bono's saying, "If you don't stop singing, I'm gonna make out with you."
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. "And I'm gonna rub my chin all over your boobs."
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [two women are licking The Edge's face]
- Butt-head: Wait a minute! This is cool.
- [another woman starts dancing in front of The Edge]
- Beavis: Boy, he's got a lot of self-control not to like, you know, do anything about that.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah, but you can't see his hands.
- Beavis: Ohh yeah. Oh yeah.
- [[two feet are pressed against The Edge's face]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Kick him! Yeah, there you go, yeah. Shove your foot in his mouth!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [a woman takes a picture with The Edge, then kisses his cheek]
- Beavis: Ooh, yuck! She just kissed him where that chick put her feet! That's yucky!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Check this out. [a man whispers in The Edge's ear] "Thank you very much, Edge, now will you please get the Hell outta here?"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. "Up yours." [The Edge appears to give the man the finger] Yeah.
Ugly Kid Joe, "Neighbor"
[edit]- Butt-head: What is this?
- Beavis: Yeah. What is this?
- Butt-head: This is that Ugly Kid Chode.
- Beavis: How come he calls himself "Ugly Kid" and it's like, he's not even that ugly?
- Butt-head: Do you find him attractive, Beavis?
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. Shut up!
V
[edit]- Beavis: All right, Van Halen!
- Butt-head: Van Halen kicks ass!
- Beavis: Yeah-hh!
- Butt-head: Uh...
- Beavis and Butt-head: Uh...
- Beavis: Um...hmm...
- Butt-head: Uh, ohh boy.
- Beavis: Umm, is this Van Halen?
- Butt-head: Uh...yeah, but it's like, where's Eddie?
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, how could they fire Van Halen from Van Halen?!
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [two football players are shown]
- Butt-head: [scoffs] Athletes.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uhh...this is kinda like, a country video. 'Cause it's like, you know, it has, like, football players and like, old people and dogs and stuff in it.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, it's like, every time you watch TNN, all the videos have that stuff in 'em.
- Butt-head: Yeah. All they need now is a big pickup truck.
- Beavis: Ohh yeah, yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, they put plastic on their couch. We should try that.
- Butt-head: That's stupid! Then you can't get any stains on it.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Then, like, you wouldn't even have to, like, get up to go to the bathroom, see? 'Cause I've noticed, like, over at Stewart's house, where they have that plastic on the couch, if you pee on it, it just kinda like rolls off, and it just, like, goes away.
- Butt-head: Uhh, oh yeah. That's cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
Vanilla Ice, "I Love You"
[edit]- Beavis: Look! Look!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Vanilla Ice.
- Beavis: You know, um, they’re always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody’s right. You know what I’m saying?
- Butt-head: Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?
- Beavis: Sometimes you have a way with words.
- Beavis: Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Why bother? All we seem to get on this t.v. is bad videos.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: There’s like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he’s trying to rap a love song.
- Beavis: You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he’d be saying “We have no love for hoes.”
- Butt-head: Yeah. He’d be like, “I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the doe” (door)
"Breakin' Up"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!
- Beavis: Oh, OK.
- Gordon Gano: Dark voices are talking to me…
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.
- Beavis: Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.
- Butt-head: Really? What does the Chinese guy say?
- Beavis: He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."
- Butt-head: And what does the white guy say?
- Beavis: The same thing. But he talks just like me.
- [The band is standing by wedding cakes and holding baseball bats]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.
- Beavis: Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!
- Butt-head: You dumbass.
- Butt-head: I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say "Hey baby…get lost. You know, we can like…still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."
- Beavis: Shut up! Here it comes! [Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat] YEAH!
- Butt-head: Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!
"Nightmares"
[edit]- Gordon Gano: Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares…
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.
- Butt-head: But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [Dramatic shock sound effect plays]
- Beavis: AH!
- Butt-head: Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [Sound effect plays again]
- Beavis: AH! NO!
- Butt-head: Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?
- Beavis: Yeah, it sucks. [Sound effect plays again] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Beavis: No it wasn't.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [Sound effect plays again]
- Beavis: AH! NO!
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Everytime you do that, it sucks! [Sound effect plays again]
- Beavis: AAAAAAAHHH! NO!
W
[edit]- Beavis: Hey Butt-head! It's the Noid.
- Butt-head: Cool! The Noid is cool.
- Beavis: Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!
- Butt-head: Uh … wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.
- [Tom starts his signature wailing]
- Butt-head: You're right, Beavis!
- Beavis: Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.
- Butt-head: This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
- Beavis: What do you mean? Like, like, um… one of those uvulas?
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
- Butt-head: Uh… where?
- Beavis: Um…
- Butt-head: You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
- Beavis: Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Then some chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah! That would be cool.
- Beavis: Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds!
- Butt-head: Where?
- Beavis: Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds.
- Butt-head: Satan always likes to have some turds by.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.
Jake Walden, "For Someone"
[edit]- [as the video starts with Jake Walden looking sensually at the viewer]
- Butt-head: Uh, I don't like the way he's looking at me.
- Beavis: Come on, you wanna start something?
- Butt-head: Yeah, it's like his lower jaw sticks out further than his upper jaw. You kinda look like that too, Beavis.
- Beavis: No, I don't.
- Butt-head: This guy's like, trying to make his voice scratchier than it is.
- Jake Walden: ... even whores can fall for someone...
- Butt-head: [imitating Walden's singing] "Even whores fall for someone..." Anyway Beavis, your lower jaw sticks out further than your upper jaw just like this dude.
- Beavis: Dammit, Butt-head, it does not.
- Butt-head: I think that's part of the reason you look so stupid.
- Beavis: No way, Butt-head. I look cool. Not like this guy.
- Jake Walden: ... I'm just speaking from my heart...
- Butt-head: Are you listening, Beavis? He speaks from the heart.
- Beavis: He speaks from his butt.
- Butt-head: You know Beavis, he actually kinda sounds like you, too.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Jake Walden: [sensually looking at the viewer] ...Tell 'em go and search for someone...
- Butt-head: Look at his face.
- Beavis: [does a horrified spit take] AHHHH! That was horrible!
- Butt-head: I think maybe you need to listen to it again, Beavis. [begins to rewind the video]
- Beavis: Butt-head, do not rewind it.
- Butt-head: Maybe you're not listening with your heart.
- Beavis: No, no, come on Butt-head, no no no, don't rewind it, come on! Butt-head, no! [Walden looks at the viewer sensually again] AHHH, NO! Come on! Butt-head, no! No no!
- Butt-head: I have said all I have to say.
- Beavis: Dammit, Butt-head... [wretches] I need to go throw up.
Jamie Walters, "Hold On"
[edit]- Jamie Walters: I don't wanna see you…
- Beavis: Yeah. I don't wanna see you either!
- Butt-head: Yeah, really.
- Beavis: Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.
- Butt-head: Uhh, there's nothing else on.
- Beavis: Um, what happened to those cards?
- Butt-head: Uh, they're right here.
- Beavis: Come on, let's play another round. I wanna win my two dollars back.
- Butt-head: Uhhh...okay. Uh, this game is called "Bunghole Surprise". [shuffles the cards]
- Beavis: Cool!
- Butt-head: First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.
- Beavis: Um, okay. [cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. The pair have now started their card game] Um, I have...two eights, and a nine, and a three, and um, and a chick.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. Dumbass. Uh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards. Uh, I bet 18 dollars. And I won. So you owe me 18 dollars. Bunghole.
- Beavis: No way! That's too much! I don't wanna play this anymore!
- Butt-head: Uh, okay. If you don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.
- Beavis: Ah, ah no! Okay, I'll play. Um...okay um...umm, okay, 18 dollars.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay. Uh, I won.
- Beavis: Dammit! Really? How come I keep losing? I never win!
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- Butt-head: You think those guys sleep in separate beds?
- Beavis: No way!
- Butt-head: Why are these guys so snotty?
- Beavis: Yeah. They look all pissed off.
- Butt-head: Yeah! And tired!
- [a man is up against a wall in the background]
- Butt-head: What's that guy doing back there?
- Beavis: He's wang chunging.
- Butt-head: That guy's peeing!
- Beavis: That's cool! I peed in the gym once!
- Butt-head: Really? You're pretty cool, Beavis!
- Butt-head: Where are the women in this video?
- Beavis: Yeah. They need some chicks, too.
- Butt-head: Uhhh...who is this?
- Beavis: Um...um, his name is...oh, I've seen this before, um, his name is Mike Watt. And um, later on he, uh, pours a bottle of urine out the window. So um, so don't change it yet.
- Butt-head: Uhh, oh! Cool.
- Butt-head: [sees Watt urinating in a bottle] Is he peeing?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! He did! That-- yeah, that uh, that's the name of the song. It's called "Piss Bottle Man". Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uhh...that's pretty cool, I guess. You know...
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, why not, you know?
- Beavis: Um, later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens.
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I believe in illegal aliens.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I believe in Mexicans.
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. You're supposed to call 'em "Hispandex".
- Beavis: Uh, okay okay, sorry.
- Beavis: You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he changed his last name to Hunt? You know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Uhhhh...why would that be funny?
- Beavis: Um, you know, um, you know, I don't know, actually.
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- [a man on fire running in slow motion is shown throughout the video]
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, I was thinking, um…
- Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh my god…
- Butt-head: You may be about to see the coolest video you have ever seen in your life.
- Beavis: Ohhh.
- Butt-head: Now Beavis…uh…Beavis?
- Beavis: Ohh. Ohhhh.
- Butt-head: [cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis is completely fixated on the television screen] Uh, Beavis?
- Beavis: Ooohohohhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.
- Butt-head: This guy's probably just, like, a stuntman or something. I bet he's not even in the band.
- Beavis: Ohhhhhh, noooooo.
- Butt-head: Like, what's the song supposed to be about, anyway?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Aaaaahhaaa. Ohoooooohhhhh,
- Butt-head: [seeing a homeless man throwing a can] Whoa! Look at that dude back there.
- Beavis: Ohhhohhhhh.
- Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? Beavis, are you there? Beavis, what's your problem?
- Beavis: Oooooooohhhhhhh. Oh no.
- Butt-head: Beavis, it's not even real, it's just like, special effects.
- Beavis: Aaaaaahhaaaaa. Oooohhhh no. Ooooooohhhhhhhh no.
- Butt-head: This is cool! This is a damn good video.
- Beavis: Ooohooooooo.
- Butt-head: It's like, uh…Beavis, are you gonna say anything.
- Beavis: Nooooo…
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, snap out of it. Dumbass. I'm gonna change the channel.
- Beavis: Butt-head, I'm only going to tell you this once - if you touch that remote, I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Butt-head: Yeah right. Dammit Beavis, snap out of it right now. [slaps Beavis multiple times]
- Beavis: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Whoa, what happened? Where am I?
- Butt-head: Uh, you're right here, Beavis. What's your problem?
- Beavis: I just, like, blacked out or something, what going on?
- Butt-head: We just saw a dude running around on fire.
- Beavis: No way, really, and I missed it?
- Butt-head: Uh, no, you saw the whole thing, dumbass.
- Beavis: Wow. Uh, I dunno, I wasn't here.
"Freedom of '76"
[edit]- Beavis: Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's that bell that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.
- Butt-head: No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. And then he created poop.
- Butt-head: That's in that Doo-doo-ronemy section.
- Beavis: The Bible kicks ass.
- Beavis: Hey, check it out. It's Dean and Gene Ween.
- Butt-head: Ween.
- Beavis: Ween kicks ass.
- Butt-head: Yeah. This is kinda groovy.
- Beavis: [screeches] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.
- Beavis: How does he do that? How does he sing all high and stuff?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think if you snip your nads off, it'll make you sing high like this.
- Beavis: Really? That's cool.
- Butt-head: You should try it, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um…no, I don't think so.
- Butt-head: Why not? Have you ever used your nads for anything?
- Beavis: Not really. No, I guess not.
- Butt-head: Don't your nads just, like, get in the way all the time and hurt when they get kicked and stuff?
- Beavis: Yeah, I guess so.
- Butt-head: Then why not just cut 'em off and see what happens?
- Beavis: Let me just wait a minute, because I might need 'em for doing it.
- Butt-head: Beavis, that's what your wiener's for, you don't need your nads for that.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Are you trying to trick me, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: No.
- Beavis: Well, do you use your nads for anything?
- Butt-head: No. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAAAAAUUUUHHHHHH!!! Damn it, Beavis.
- Beavis: See? That's what nads are for. Bunghole.
"I Can't Put My Finger On It"
[edit]- Butt-head: Uhhh...
- [the two laugh at the intense expression on Ween's face]
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis. Do something, like, I dunno, like, something funny or something.
- Beavis: Um, okay. Umm...let me see. Check this out. [blows a huge raspberry]
- Butt-head: Uh...that was pretty cool, but like, you've done that before.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Then you do something! [putting on a slight accent] You think I'm just here to ent-a-tain you?
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: You think I'm just here for your amusement? You wanna do something about it?
- Butt-head: Dumbass.
- [a Greek gyro is shown]
- Beavis: Hey, look at that. Mmm, that looks good! I like those things, they got those things over in the mall, they call 'em, um..."heroes"?
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Whenever we walk by there, the guy goes, [Greek accent] "Gyro? Gyro? Gyro?"
- Beavis: Yeah. One of these days, when I have a lot of money, I'm gonna get one of those things.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That would rule.
- Butt-head: These dudes need to quit screwing around and get back to making sandwiches.
- Beavis: Yeah. But, um, it is kind of a good song, like, if you kinda listen to it for a while, it is pretty cool.
- Butt-head: Beavis, you bunghole! Quit talking about this video and do something funny again.
- Beavis: Um...um, okay. Check this out. [blows a huge raspberry]
- Butt-head: That's not even funny, Beavis. You have to do it like this.
- Beavis: Um...
- Butt-head: [puts his finger between his lips and babbles] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Beavis: Yeah. Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: Now see, that's cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, I see what you mean. Okay, check this out. [babbles] A-blblblblblblblblblbl.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: What the hell is this crap?
- [a bowl of cucumbers is shown]
- Butt-head: Mine has more bumps.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. This guy sounds like you.
- Beavis: Shut up, fartknocker!
- Butt-head: That dude's wearing a Yamaha.
- Gene Ween: If you think that I'm a loser...
- Beavis: He is a loser! And a pansy!
- Butt-head: Yeah. This guy sucks!
- Butt-head: These guys got no future.
- Beavis: Check it out, it's Corky!
- Gene Ween: Push th' little daisies and make 'em come up!
- Butt-head: [changing the channel] Push this!
Weezer, "Buddy Holly"
[edit]- Beavis: Um…this is like…um, some show, right?
- Butt-head: Uh…of course it is, buttmunch! It's on TV.
- Beavis: No but um…I don't think this is a video.
- Butt-head: They don't play many videos anymore. It's all like…shows, and people snowboarding and stuff.
- Beavis: I think this is…I think this is like, Happy Days.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Crappy days.
- Beavis: That was pretty funny, Butt-head. Instead of Happy Days, you called it Crappy Days.
- [Singing theme song to Laverne and Shirley]
- Beavis: One, two, three, four, a shmeagol! A schlong! A zapadun incorporated!
- Butt-head: We're gonna do it!
- Beavis: Give us any chance, we'll take it!/Give us any rule, we'll break it! We're gonna make it/we're not gonna break it/all we need is a little bit of patience!
- Butt-head: I liked this show better when that other dude owned the restaurant…that dude from The Karate Kid.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. [Fake Japanese accent] Daniel-san, if answer come from inside you, always right!
- Butt-head: Yeah. That dude could kick Fonzie's ass.
- Beavis: Yeah. Fonzie doesn't even know karate.
- Butt-head: These dudes were like…always calling each other nerds and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, I wonder why.
- Butt-head: Uh…I think that was back in the old days before they invented words like nads and buttmunch and dumbass.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Things are a lot better now.
- Butt-head: Yeah, buttmunch. You know what else they were always saying? "Sit on it."
- Beavis: Sit on what…? What? Oh yeah! This is a pretty cool show.
- Butt-head: Rock!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: [sings along] You hobo fumpin' humpin', [forgets the words] ah, ah…bitch!
- Butt-head: This kinda like, ah, rocks.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's not bad.
- Butt-head: Check out that dude in the dress. He's groovin'.
- Beavis: [the lead singer can be seen looking at the crotches of several shirtless men] Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, she's inspecting their nads.
- Butt-head: Yeah. You call those nads, sir? Drop and give me twenty!
- Beavis: Yeah, back in line!
- [one of the band members waves towards the lead singer's butt]
- Butt-head: He's pretending to feel her butt.
- Beavis: She won't let him feel her butt because like, he failed the nad inspection.
- [the lead singer, licking a lollipop, licks a shirtless man's armpit]
- Beavis: Whoa! She just licked that dude's armpit!
- Butt-head: Yeah. The guy with the best nads gets his armpit licked.
- Butt-head: I bet this chick would like, be into me and stuff because like, you know, she has braces.
- Beavis: She's probably got one of those overbites.
- Butt-head: Uh, I wish she'd give me an overbite.
- [the lead singer is thrown into the air, and her underwear can be seen underneath her skirt]
- Beavis: Whoa, look at that! I didn't know chicks in videos wore underpants!
- Butt-head: Beavis, if I ever catch you looking at my woman's drawers again, I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Beavis: She's not your woman, Butt-head! She's never even seen you.
- Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, this chick loves me, and I love her.
- Butt-head: [laughing] What's this?
- Butt-head: He's smiling at you, Beavis.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: This guy always likes to show off his butt.
- Beavis: Yeah. And his butt sucks!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah? How do you know?
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I'll kick your ass!
- Beavis: This is one of those workout tapes. They make you work out to this tape, you end up looking like a wuss.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: This video is making me sick. [changes channel]
Barry White, "Put Me In Your Mix"
[edit]- Barry White: Put it in.
- Butt-head: Put it in? Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Put it in. PUT IT IN!
- Barry White: Take my love and put it in...
- Butt-head: Man! I bet this is, like, the horniest dude that ever lived.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He should, like, wear one of those Viking hats with horns on it.
- Butt-head: What? You're a weirdo, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: How come every time I'm talking about chicks and stuff, you just like, don't get it?
- Beavis: I get it! It's just that, you know, I thought it would be cool if, like, he had this hat on with some horns on it. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Eric the Rod.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. The Rod. See? See? I got that. Yeah. The Rod.
- Barry White: Put me in...
- Butt-head: Whoa! This is one horny dude.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah.
Karyn White, "The Way I Feel About You"
[edit]- Butt-head: Come to Butt-head!
- Beavis: Yeah! Me too.
- [a black cat is shown]
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out! That's that same cat from that Janet Jackson video.
- Butt-head: You're looking at the cat? How old are you, Beavis?
- Butt-head: Someday, Beavis, you're gonna have urges like me.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. I'm checking out the chick, too.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- [Beavis changes the channel]
- Beavis: YES! YES! YES!
- Butt-head: Cool! It's about time they play something cool!
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [camera is zooming through a yard]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Cool lawn mower!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Beavis: YES!
- Butt-head: This guy is cool.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Is that guy from Rastafaria?
- Beavis: Yeah.
- [bright lights are flashing inside a barn]
- Butt-head: Cool!
- [a skull is briefly shown]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Skulls are cool!
- Beavis: Yeah. [closeups of eyes are shown] Eyeballs are cool. Let's try taking our eyeballs out.
- Butt-head: That would be cool! I'll go get the pliers.
- Beavis: Yes! Yes!
- Beavis: Um…wow. Something's different about this.
- Butt-head: Uhh…yeah. It's like, it sounds different, and looks different than like, most other videos you see lately.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. Kinda cool, yeah.
- Butt-head: I'm hungry, Beavis. Go make some pancakes.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, I wanna watch this.
- Butt-head: Uhh, you can watch it later. It's gonna be on about 50 times.
- Beavis: Really? Well, okay. I guess I can make some pancakes. [exits the room. all further lines are yelled from the kitchen] Okay, where's the syrup?!
- Butt-head: [calling out ] You gotta make the pancakes first, dumbass!
- Beavis: Um…where's the spatula?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think it's in my bedroom!
- Beavis: Oh, okay! [Beavis can be heard running]
- Butt-head: Look under the bed!
- Beavis: Oh, there's the pan, too! Cool! [walks back to the kitchen, passes by Butt-head] Hey, how's it going?
- Butt-head: Hey. Pretty good.
- Beavis: [hums] Dun dun da dun…[yells from the kitchen] How's that video?
- Butt-head: It's pretty cool, now shut up and get cooking!
- Beavis: How much mayonnaise do I put in?
- Butt-head: None!
- Beavis: One what? Okay, I'll just put one cup then. [long beat] Hey Butt-head, is there supposed to be smoke?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think so. [the smoke alarm goes off]
- Beavis: AAH! OW!!
- Butt-head: Oooh!
- Beavis: Aaaah!
- Butt-head: Ooh, baby! Do that thing you do!
- Beavis: This chick is hot!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: I'd like her music a lot better, though, if she like, didn't wear as much clothes.
- Beavis: Yeah. If she was, like, completely naked, I might go out and buy the album.
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Butt-head: She's got one of those ribbons that all the rock stars wear when they get an award.
- Beavis: Yeah. What are those things?
- Butt-head: They're, like, these ribbons that they give you when you get one of those awards for, like, being rich or something.
- Beavis: Yeah. Being rich is cool!
- Butt-head: If you're like, rich...
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Butt-head: ...you can buy, like, fast cars and, like, houses and...like...ribbons.
- Beavis: Yeah.
Wilson Phillips, "Release Me"
[edit]- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, you get the one in the middle.
- Beavis: Shut up peckerwood! She's yours.
- Butt-head: Their parents were in the Beatles.
- Beavis: These chicks sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks.
- Butt-head: Yeah, I like Theodore. He's cool.
- Beavis: Which one's Theodore?
- Butt-head: He's the fat one. I bet the fat one has a big butt. "I like big butts and I will not lie! You other brothers can't deny!"
- Butt-head: His teeth are whiter than white!
- Beavis: Yeah. They're...white!
- Butt-head: These guys live on the edge!
- Beavis: Yeah. The edge of Wuss Cliff.
- Butt-head: This is Joey Buttafuoco's theme song.
X
[edit]Y
[edit]- Butt-head: Life. What a beautiful choice.
- Beavis: Life. It sucks! All these kids have one thing in common - they're all here because a couple people did it. [Yanni fades in on screen] Whoa, look at that, it's Geraldo!
- Butt-head: Oh no. This is Yanni.
- Beavis: Come on, change it, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: I can't believe they're even showing this.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Butt-head: This guy is the biggest butthole I've ever seen in my life.
- Beavis: Yeah. Change it, Butt-head. Come on, gimme that!
- Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute, I think it's about to rock. [turns the volume up as loud as it can go]
- Beavis: Come on, dammit Butt-head, cut it out!
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You like this.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! No I don't! Turn it down!
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, did you know that this guy is your dad?
- Beavis: AAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOO!!!!
- Butt-head: You're a dumbass, Beavis. You just, like, believe anything anybody tells you.
- Beavis: Um, no. I was just kidding.
- Beavis: Check it out. She's leaving him because he sucks.
- Butt-head: Yep, that's him, officer.
- Beavis: Book him, Danno.
- Butt-head: Kick him, Danno.
- Beavis: And punch him! He deserves it. He sucks!
- Butt-head: We charge you with being in a sucky video for a crappy song.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Guilty as charged!
- Beavis: Whoa, where are they taking him?
- Butt-head: I think they're gonna go torture him somewhere, like, to get him to say something.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. You mean, like, "I'm a monkey's uncle"?
- Butt-head: No, dumbass! Like, y'know, where the money is, or something like that.
- Beavis: If I was that dude, I'd just, like, kick 'em in the nads, and then like smack their heads together, then just like tear ass!
- Butt-head: Beavis, if that was you, they'd just, like, touch you, and then you'd go "Aaaahhh!!! I'm a monkey's uncle and I put the money in my backyard!"
- Beavis: No sir! Buttmunch.
- Butt-head: They're making him fight the janitor.
- Beavis: Fight, yeah!
- Butt-head: If I was a janitor, I'd like, throw a bunch of sawdust with puke at him, and then I'd go "Now who's bad?"
- [a man jumps off a tall building]
- Butt-head: Whoa.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, now this is gettin' good. [The man transforms into a bird] What? He turned into a bird!
- Butt-head: If I could turn into a bird, I'd turn into a cock.
- Beavis: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Yolanda Be Cool feat. DCUP, "We No Speak Americano"
[edit]- Butt-head: This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the Olive Garden.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.
- Butt-head: If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.
- Beavis: [at the chorus] Now this is the cool part of the song.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. That was cool.
- Butt-head: She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.
- Beavis: No you don't. Check this out. [Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat]
- Butt-head: Uh… your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other]
- Beavis: No soy Americano…
Gary Young, "Plantman"
[edit]- Beavis: Um…is this Robert Plant?
- Butt-head: Plantman? What's that?
- Beavis: Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [imitates randomly hitting a drum kit] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!
- Butt-head: That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes "Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!"
- Butt-head: He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help."
- Butt-head: Dammit. This Nickelodeon crap has gone too far.
- Beavis: Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and Spoonman?
- Butt-head: Uhh…I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.
- Beavis: Heyy, I just thought of something else.
- Butt-head: How come you keep doing that, Beavis?
- Beavis: Doing what?
- Butt-head: That thing where you go "Heyy,"
- Beavis: I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.
- Butt-head: Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Heyy.
- Butt-head: Heyy.
- Beavis: This feels good. Heyy!
- Butt-head: Heyy.
- Beavis: Heyy!
- Butt-head: Heyy.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Is this "A Different World"?
- Butt-head: Yeah. School.
- Butt-head: How come they do so many videos in school?
- Beavis: Yeah. That sucks.
- Butt-head: If I wanted to see pictures of school, I'd go there!
- Beavis: Yeah. Hey, Butt-head. You think if we went to school, we could, like, be in a video?
- Butt-head: It's worth a try, Beavis.
Z
[edit]Pia Zadora, "Rock It Out"
[edit]- [video is set in a women's prison; a woman lifts up her shirt, almost exposing her breasts]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That's the most naked I've ever seen a chick on TV!
- Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Um, except for that, um, that body spray commercial they play about 60 times a day.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Those black boxes suck.
- Beavis: Whoa, is this a women in prison movie?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah! I think so!
- Beavis: All right, yeah! I'm up for this, yeah. Nothing like gettin' some nachos and sittin' back and watchin' a good old women in prison movie.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Is this Chained Heat? What is this?
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe this isn't a women in prison movie. It's like, they're singing and stuff.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. W - what's the deal here?
- Butt-head: Uh...maybe this is, like, you know, drama chicks in prison.
- Beavis: Um...oh, wait a minute. Waaaaait a minute. I know what this is. This is "Cop Rock"!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. "Cop Rock" sucks.
- Beavis: Yeah, that show would've been better if there was, like, you know, more fights and brutality and stuff like that.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: So it's just like, you know, "Cop", but without the "Rock"? You know, they're just, like, "Cop." It - it was just "Cop."
- Butt-head: Yeah. Could be a show about people copping a feel.
- Beavis: Yeah! I'd tune in to that, yeah.
Frank Zappa, "You Are What You Is"
[edit]- Butt-head: Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.
- Beavis: His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [blows a long loud raspberry]
- Butt-head: Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?
- Beavis: I'm spraying. [blows another raspberry]
- Butt-head: That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?
- Beavis: Just now.
- Butt-head: Boy, this really sucks. [changes the channel]
- [after watching the Europeans' "We Are Animals" for a long time, they change back to the station where the Frank Zappa video was playing]
- Butt-head: This is still on? That pisses me off!
- Beavis: That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head. She wants it.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And I'm gonna give it to her.
- Beavis: Billy Gibbons has a long beard.
- Butt-head: Do you think he has a long johnson?
- Beavis: Does he have a Don Johnson??
- Butt-head: Yeah. Don Johnson is married to that chick.
- Beavis: Check it out, Butt-head! Al Bundy!
- Butt-head: Is that that dude that killed all those people?
- Beavis: No, peckerwood! That's the dude from "All My Children"!
- Butt-head: Whoa! The dude from "All My Children" killed people?
- Beavis: No, that was the dude from "Rock"!
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. He's cool!
- Butt-head: Better change it, dude. This video is telling a story.
- Beavis: Yeah. Stories suck. [changes channel]
Cast
[edit]External links
[edit]- Official website
- Beavis and Butt-Head quotes at the Internet Movie Database