Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)
Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011) was an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. Season seven originally aired from 26 January to 28 November 1997.
"Butt, Butt, Hike" [7.01]
"Vaya Con Cornholio" [7.02]
- Immigration Officer: Hey, you! ¿Habla español?
- Beavis: [as Cornholio] Español? Es-bunghole! Habla? Ba-habla! Bla-bla-bla-bla-haaaa!
- Supervisor: Alright, so what do we know about this kid?
- Officer: I picked him up at Burger World, but he didn't have any I.D., or anything. Says his name is "Cornholio."
- Supervisor: The hell kind of a name is that? Is that his first name, or last?
- Officer: Um...I dunno, it's the only name he gives.
- Supervisor: Cornholio...could be Spanish. Probably Italian. Doubtful.
- Officer: Well, that little bastard devoured my taco burrito combo on the ride over.
- Supervisor: Well, probably Mexican.
- Officer: Says he's from Lake Titicaca.
- Supervisor: Lake Titicaca?
- Beavis: Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!
- Supervisor: Alright, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.
- Beavis: Nicaragua!
- Supervisor: Nicaragua?
- Beavis: Agua for my bunghole! Bunghole!
- Officer: Oh, yeah. And he keeps saying he needs "T.P." for his "bunghole."
- Supervisor: What the hell's a bunghole? Can you find out what a bunghole is?
- Beavis: You are a bunghole! And so am I. There will be more bungholes after me!
- Officer: [reading from dictionary] Here, I got the dictionary. "Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid."
- Supervisor: This kid's messed up. Just take him back to Mexico and drop him off with the others. Let the federales deal with him.
- Officer: Okay, Cornholio. Time to go back home.
- Beavis: Are you threatening me? You will give me T.P., bunghole!
- Officer: Yeah, yeah. Alright. I know your bunghole needs T.P. We'll get you plenty of T.P., just as soon as we get you back to Mexico. And your bunghole will be just fine.
- Beavis: I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.
- Officer: Me too. Come on. This way, Cornholio.
- Beavis: The bunghole! It is nothing to be ashamed of.
- Beavis: You must feed the almighty bunghole!
- Officer: I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency, I'm gonna have to take you in!
- Beavis: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole! For I have no bunghole. I am the great Cornholio.
- Beavis: [going to Mexico] I'm the great Cornholio. There will be T.P. for everyman. No man should be without T.P.
- Beavis: [arriving in Mexico] Aaahh, is this Nicaragua? I will take this land for my bunghole! Long live the almighty bunghole!
"Evolution Sucks" [7.03]
- Butt-head: Check it out, this trick rules! It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, okay.
- Man at the door: Yeah?
- Beavis: We tricked him.
- Butt-head: He's probably, like, "Uhh, there is nobody here. I wonder who did that."
- Man at the door: Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two. Do that again I'll kick your ass.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?
- Butt-head: Eeeh, I don't know. Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door. Let's try it again.
- Beavis: Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
- Butt-head: So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.
- Beavis: Ooi, okay. "Before." That was cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah! They're gonna be pissed.
- Beavis: Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.
- Beavis: Yeah, that will be pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Yeah!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!
- Butt-head: Eeeh, okay.
- Beavis: Let me ring it.
- Butt-head: No way, Beavis. You rang it last time.
- Beavis: No way. You did, dill-hole!
- Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute. Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.
- Beavis: Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Yeah, but it's cool once you get it right. Come on.
- Man at the door: What do you want? What? What are you doin'?
- Beavis: Did you see that? That was pretty cool!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you screwed it up again! You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.
- Beavis: No, damn it! I don't know when he's gonna come to the door. This sucks!
- Butt-head: Dumbass!
- Neighbour woman: Where are you goin'?
- Neighbour woman's husband: The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. I hope whoever lives here is, like, taking a dump.
- Beavis: He gotta run to the door.
- Butt-head: Damn it, what the hell is taking so long!
- Beavis: Yeah, really, let's do it again. What's wrong with these people?
- Butt-head: I don't know. They must be stupid.
- Beavis: Are you sure we get it right this time?
- Butt-head: Eeh, yeah.
- [The family living there just arrives their house]
- Family guy: God, it's good to be back home huh again? What a trip!
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.
- Butt-head: That sucks!
- Butt-head: Ding dong ditch is hard.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, that sucks. What a waste of time!
- Butt-head: Maybe we were like doing something wrong. We need practice. Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll, like, do it to you.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, practice. [Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell] Who do that? Hello, damn it! Nobody here, damn it! Bunghole! Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.
"Just for Girls" [7.05]
"A Very Special Episode" [7.06]
- Butt-head: [trying to pronounce "symptoms"] Sym…sym…Simpsons? Uh, they're pretty cool.
- [after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, you "flipped the bird." Heh heh.
"Dumbasses Anonymous" [7.07]
- Bartender: Look, I told you kids! You got no I.D., you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!
- Butt-head: Oh. Uhh…how about one for the road?
- Beavis: Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
- Bartender: Get outta here! Both of you!
- Joe from AA meeting: Oh, yeah! Hey, it's okay, bartender. These are good kids. Y'know, you boys remind me of me I was a kid.
- Butt-head:Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
- Beavis: Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. [Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor]
- Beavis: [as Cornholio] Do you have any tsetse flies? Hehe. Teetsie!
- Nurse: Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
- Butt-head: [laughs] She said "foreskin."
- Beavis: Yeah. Foreskin irritation.
- [Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a flyswatter in an attempt to kill the lice]
- Butt-head: Ow! What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!
- Beavis: Yeah! I'm kicking the bugs' ass! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Ow! I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker! [kicks Beavis in the testicles]
- Beavis: Aaaahh! [falls down]
- Butt-head: Now get up. We gotta, like, use an infesticide.
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, are they dead?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.
- Beavis: [suddenly starts scratching his scrotum] Um…wait a minute. Damn it. I think I got some more bugs on my nads.
- Butt-head: Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?
- Beavis: I don't know. Dammit!
- Butt-head: Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! That's a really good idea, Butt-head! [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area] Let me just get this down here, here we go… [unzips pants; follows Butt-head's advice off-screen; electricity crackles and Beavis screams]
- Butt-head: [chuckling] Dumbass!
- Butt-head: Welcome to the future. Here is your free porn.
- Beavis: Yeah. Porn is good for you. Did you know that?
- Principal McVicker: Uh... Now as you boys know, we have strict rules, about accessing computer pornography from the library. So before, I sentence you to an extremely harsh punishment, I want to know how you little punks did it! Uh... Come on. You idiots can save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell me who helped you log on!
- Butt-Head: I did that myself. But Stewart got us the porn.
- Stewart: What?
- Beavis: He's pretty good.
- Stewart: But... but... but I...
- Principal McVicker: Oh, that's it! You're all getting detention for the rest of the year! And you've lost all your computer privileges!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah we need more porn, come on Stewart.
- Buzzcut: Shut the hell up!
"Nose Bleed" [7.11]
- Beavis: [upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed] No! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!
- Butt-head: [goes up to a woman coming out of a gas station rest-room] So, here's a quarter. Could you like get one of those things, you put in your thing, when you got your thing. [woman punches Butt-head]
"Citizens Arrest" [7.12]
- Butt-head: Beware the long arm of Butt-head.
- Beavis: Beware the long wiener of Beavis!
"A Great Day" [7.14]
- Beavis: Some day, I'd like to be like that. You know, a kid finds a dead bird, you give him 20 bucks for it. Now that's cool.
"Nothing Happening" [7.17]
"Take a Lap" [7.18]
"Bride of Butt-head" [7.20]
"Special Delivery" [7.21]
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.
- Butt-head: Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it "woodshop."
- [after Beavis severs his finger in shop class]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Pull my finger. I mean, your finger.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: [upon handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse] Hey, Beavis. I gave her the finger.
"T.V. Violence" [7.23]
"Garage Band" [7.25]
- Butt-head: Come on, dumbass, play it.
- Beavis: Check this out. Uhhh yeeah!! Waahhhhh!! You're gonna die!! [smashes Mr. Van Driessen's acoustic guitar] Ohhh dnanananananana didlywoo weewoo browww baaabababa dadadada!!
- Butt-head: Woah! That was cool, Beavis. We're, like, on our way.
- Beavis: We're Metallica, featuring Beavis and Butt-head!
- Butt-head: Uhh, that doesn't sound right. It should be like, Butt-head and Beavis. "Beavis and Butt-head" sounds stupid.
- Beavis: No, no! I kinda like "Beavis and Butt-head"! I don't know just sounds right.
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, this is my band. My name comes first. Don't you, like, wanna be a hit?
- Beavis: No way! If you hit me, I'm gonna kick you in the nads!
- Butt-head: Yeah, try it, and I'll beat the living crap out of you. Damn it, this band isn't working. It's, like, we don't, like, uhh…communicate or something?
- Beavis: What?
- Butt-head: Uhh…I don't know. What?
- Beavis: What the hell are you talking about?!
- Butt-head: Uh, I don't know. You're just a butt-knocker.
- Beavis: Don't call me butt-knocker, you son of a bitch!
- Butt-head: This band sucks. I'm gonna get outta here. [walks off]
- Beavis: Yeah, I'm gonna get outta here. This sucks! [turns around and walks off]
- Dr. Leibowitz: Let's try to see exactly what the problem is. Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Dr. Leibowitz: Now, I'm going to show you some photographs. When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand. Now— [sees Beavis and Butt-head already have their hands raised]
- Beavis: Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?
- Dr. Leibowitz: Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.
- Butt-head: Cool. Bring 'em on.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. [mock-Arabic accent] Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?
- Dr. Leibowitz: Uh, okay. Here's the first image. [holds up photo of a model in lingerie]
- Butt-head: [both raise hands] Yes! I'll take her!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, me, too. [turns to Butt-head] I saw her first, dillhole!
- Dr. Leibowitz: Hmm. Let's go on. [holds up another photo]
- Butt-head: Whoa! [raises his hand]
- Beavis: Wha-ha! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
- Dr. Leibowitz: Interesting. Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time? Didn't you find the image exciting?
- Butt-head: [looks at Beavis] Uhh, Beavis's hands are busy, sir.
"The Miracle That Is Beavis" [7.27]
- Butt-head: [upon seeing a commercial about a book titled Seize the Power] Hey Beavis…seize my weiner.
- Buzzcut: Beavis!
- Beavis: Aaah! [scared]
- Buzzcut: Damn it, you will listen when I'm talking'!!
- Beavis: No way! I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!
- Buzzcut: What?! You get the hell out of here!! I'll see you in detention!!
- Beavis: Okay, cool.
"Shopping Cart" [7.28]
- Beavis: [sees man chopping wood] I know. Let's invent a tree.
- Butt-head: Beavis.
- Beavis: See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could, like, tape some leaves— [Butt-head slaps him] Ow!! See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he— [Butt-head slaps him again] Ow!!
- Butt-head: Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass? Now, quit wasting time. We need to come up with a real money-making invention.
"Die Fly, Die!" [7.30]
- Butt-head: Now we need to get some of that bug spray.
- Beavis: Bug spray?
- Butt-head: Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll, like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!
- Butt-head: [pulling trash can into house] [turns around, sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room] Uhh! What the hell are you doing, butthole!? Get up and help me with this.
- Beavis: [getting up] I am helping, butthole! You said flies like garbage and crap.
- Beavis: Look, Butt-head. [pulls out hedgetrimmer] Say "hello" to my little friend!
"Drinking Butt-ies" [7.31]
"Work Is Death" [7.32]
- Burger World manager: You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.
- Beavis: You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?
Principal McVicker: B-b-but I don't want any visitors... I'm sick in the head!
Psychiatrist: Seeing them is a first step towards resuming your duties as principal. After all, they're your students...
Principal McVicker: No! They're demons sent straight from Hell!
Psychiatrist: Mr McVicker, what are we going to do with you? We tried everything from group counselling to physical isolation, and...
Beavis: Did you try kicking him in the nads?
Psychiatrist: Yeah, good idea.
Butt Head: So, uh... Are gonna like use a straitjacket?
Beavis: [excitedly] Yeah, straitjacket! Straitjacket!
[McVicker gets up and strangles Beavis]
Beavis: Ahh! He's trying to kill me!
Psychiatrist: Nurse, restrain him!
"Graduation Day" [7.34]
- Mr. Van Driessen: This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
- Butt-head: Uh…no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head…there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Cassandra. I know you'll go far in the world, okay?
- Beavis: Heheheheh…tassel.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Here you go, Butt-head. You have many… qualities. [quietly and with a hint of embarrassment] Here's your diploma, Beavis. [while the other students return to their seats, Beavis and Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation]
"The Future of Beavis and Butt-head" [7.35]
- Job Counselor: So, which duty do you enjoy most?
- Butt-head: Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Job Counselor: Well, which do you enjoy most?
- Beavis: Um, well…I guess the ones that take a long time.
- Job Counselor: You like to get your hands dirty?
- Beavis: Well, yeah, sometimes.
- Job Counselor: Something you can really sink your teeth into?
- Beavis: Um…no, that's disgusting.
"Speech Therapy" [7.36]
- Principal McVicker: Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
- Butt-head: Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for, like, two weeks. So I think, like, now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
- Principal McVicker: Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
- Butt-head: Yeah, me, too!
- Beavis: Yeah, really, school sucks!
- Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
- Butt-head: Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van…uhh Rigvantrison?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, something like that.
- Principal McVicker: Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, damn it!
- Butt-head: Yeah, damn it!
- Beavis: Yeah, damn it, god damn son of a bitch!
- Principal McVicker: You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.
- Butt-head: He said "in her."
- Principal McVicker: Oh, no!
- Beavis: Oh, yeah.
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering, "Why do I need speech therapy?"
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Ms. Jenkins: "I already know how to speak. What can I learn here?" You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
- Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?
- Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!
- Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boobs.
- Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
- Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?
- Butt-head: Yeah, this class is cool.
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
- Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
- Butt-head: Really?
- Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
- Beavis: Whoa, no way!
- Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?
- Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, okay?
- Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, boi-oi-oi…
- Ms. Jenkins: Okay, now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
- Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-weed.
- Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
- Butt-head: Ass-munch
- Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your 'S.'
- Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
- Ms. Jenkins: Now, don't get defensive, Butt-head; I just want to try to clean it up a little, okay? Now try this. Make a 'T' sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, okay?
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, check it out!
- Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys? Okay. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, okay? All right, here goes: "Speaking slowly as such can say just as much."
- Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
- Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!
- Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys! "As much."
- Beavis: Ass munch!
- Butt-head: Ass munch!
- Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one: "Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders."
- Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, butthole!
- Ms. Jenkins: "But whole haste…"
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah: butthole, butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!
- Ms. Jenkins: No, no, Beavis, listen closely. "But whole," "but whole."
- Beavis: Oooh, yeah, yeah.
- Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if those two little bastards have done anything I ccould suspend them for.
- Ms. Jenkins: Actually, Principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
- Butt-head: Assmunch
- Beavis: And butthole. Butthole.
- Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches!
- Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal, but I've noticed that you have a little trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
- Principal McVicker: What?
- Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. He's probably like "…" Boi-oi-oi…
"Our Founding Losers" [7.37]
- Butt-head: [as Paul Revere riding into town] Uhh, the Yiddish are coming. Huh-huh-huh. The Yiddish are coming.
- Butt-head: [as Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address] When I almost scored with four chicks seven years ago, this one chick's father brought forth upon me a prostitute. Huh-huh. Because some dudes just weren't created equal. Huh-huh.
- [Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]
- Thomas Jefferson: "All Men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?
- Beavis: Oh, um, heh-heh, okay. Um, heh-heh, yeah, yeah, how about this? "All chicks shall, um, heh-heh, be required to do it with us, huh-huh, at all times, yeah. He-he. E pluribus unum. He-he, yeah, he-he."
- Thomas Jefferson: A damn fine idea, lad.
- All: Hear, hear!
- The actual text of that line of the Declaration of Independence reads:
- We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness
- Jefferson's original rough draft read:
- We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independant, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness
- The actual text of that line of the Declaration of Independence reads:
- Butthead: Uh... Ok.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hmm... Let's see... um...
- Butthead: Uh...
- Buzzcut: So?
- Butt-head: What?
- Beavis: Yeah. So what?
- Butt-head: [to Coach Buzzcut] Once we tried to "found" Beavis's father, but we never did because his mom's a slut.
- This episode aired after Beavis and Butt-head Do America was released, in which, unbeknownst to Beavis or Butt-head, the duo meet their fathers.
"Leave It to Beavis" [7.38]
- Beaver: [on t.v.] Gee Wally, Dad said not to. And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
- Butt-head: Uhuhuhuh…beaver.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, Beaver kicks ass. But it's, like, um, that's not really what stuff was like back then.
- Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, if this was real, and it was like the '50s, things would be all different and stuff.
- Todd: So, Beaver…
- Beavis: The name's Beavis, sir.
- Todd: Well excuse me, Beaver.
- Mrs. Steveson: Now, dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
- Butt-head: Uh, no. [rubs her arm]
- Todd: Now get in there and get me some smokes.
- Beavis: Are you sure I should be doing this?
- Todd: What did you say?
- Beavis: I said are you—
- Todd: [revs car so the rest of Beavis's words aren't heard] Listen, squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.
- Store owner: Well, hey, there, Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?
- Beavis: Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm s'posed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.
- Store owner: Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy, now, would ya?
- Beavis: …Gee, how'd you know? [store owner looks out window, sees Todd smoking; canned laughter]
- Store owner: Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age. And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.
- Beavis: Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff. A-and then he's liable to beat me up.
- Store owner: Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law, too.
- Butt-head: Woah. What happened, uh, son?
- Todd: It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh…asphalt.
- Mrs. Stevenson: Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
- Butt-head: Huh huh huh, hard. Huhuhuhuh, on.
"Butt Flambe" [7.39]
- Butt-head: Uh, is this the hostipal?
- Guy: Can I help you?
- Butt-head: You can tell me if this is a damn hostipal.
- Guy: Yes, and what's your problem?
- Butt-head: [looks at Beavis] He's the one with the problem. Look at him.
- Beavis: [scared] My butt hurts!!
- Guy: We got a crispy critter!
- [Beavis whimpering]
- Butt-head: [chuckling] "Crispy critter."
- Beavis: [horrified and panicking] I'll never poop again!!
"Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving" [TG.1]
"Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead" [7.40]
- Beavis: Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.
- Butt-head: Yeah, well, make it stop.
- Beavis: [answering phone] Um…who are you?
- McVicker's secretary: This is Highland High calling. We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.
- Beavis: Oh. Um…yeah, they're dead.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy…and I wanted you to hear it from me first—
- Principal McVicker: [over PA] Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. Whoo! Yeah!
- Principal McVicker: [giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
- Butt-head: Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
- Principal McVicker: What!?
- Beavis: Where the hell are the dead people?
- Principal McVicker: Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead! [struggles with Beavis and Butt-head; sees the memories of the boys' antics; has a heart attack]
- Beavis: Whoa! A dead body! Check it out!
- Coach Buzzcut: Give the man some air! He's not dead yet!
- [the final lines of the original run of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens—with the money collected in their names]
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis, did you see McVicker? He was, like, "Uh, uh, uh," and then Buzzcut made out with him.
- Beavis: Yeah, that was cool. We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.
- Butt-head: Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.
- Butt-head: Uh huh huh, yeah.
- Beavis and Butt-head: [simultaneously, laughing for the last time] Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh… Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh…
- [screen fades out and a title card reads THE END]
- Mike Judge—Beavis
- Mike Judge—Butt-head
- Mike Judge—David Van Driessen
- Mike Judge—Principal McVicker
- Mike Judge—Coach Buzzcut
- Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi